222: Weird Here to Help: Hunk of Iron & Dinosaur Juice

Summary

We're Here to Help

Episode 222: Weird Here to Help: Hunk of Iron & Dinosaur Juice
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Date: October 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this lively Halloween-adjacent episode, Jake and Gareth tackle listener questions with their signature blend of offbeat humor, paranormal theorizing, and genuine (if unorthodox) advice. Dressed in the spirit of the spooky season, the hosts chat about costumes and weird experiences before diving into two hilarious and heartfelt calls: one about surviving an “energy vampire” at a bar, and another on how to prepare for a high-stakes, formal pet portrait after a wine-fueled application.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Halloween Nostalgia & Costume Debates (01:26 – 07:40)

• Jake and Gareth reminisce about their favorite childhood Halloween costumes, setting a playful and spooky tone.
  • Jake: Jim McMahon (the “punky QB”), Frankenstein from Universal horror movies.
  • Gareth: Mad Max (“I’ve been fixated on the apocalypse my whole life”) and the challenge of separating Mel Gibson, the actor, from the character now.
• The hosts confess to loving Halloween but not being big on actually dressing up as adults, sparking laughs about half-hearted costumes and parties.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth: “When this goes down, I’m coming your way. I already have an eye patch. If you have an eye patch on, people ain’t gonna mess.” (03:51)
• Jake: “You’re always kind of dressed like Frankenstein.” (02:24)

2. Jake’s Upcoming Bigfoot Expedition (04:06 – 06:56)

• Gareth announces his Halloween plans: a three-day Bigfoot expedition in the Blue Ridge Mountains, nervous but excited about paranormal possibilities.
• The importance of sneaking edibles is discussed, with both hosts poking fun at the rules against alcohol and weed on the trip.

Memorable Moment:
Jake’s certainty that listeners knew Gareth would sneak edibles:

• “Every single listener to the show knew you were going to sneak edibles.” (05:37)

3. Celebrity Stories & Ed Begley Jr. (07:40 – 09:54)

• The hosts veer into classic Hollywood tales: Sal Mineo’s tragic end, Marlon Brando’s electric eel experiment, and Ed Begley Jr.’s extraordinary stories as the life of Jake’s recent dinner party.
• Aspiring to be like Ed Begley Jr. in their 80s: “That is the coolest dude.” (09:40)

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Call #1: The Bar’s “Energy Vampire”

Caller: “Jack” from outside Boston (14:34 – 41:45)

Summary

Jack, a bartender, suspects one of his elderly regulars is a real-life energy vampire who is draining the life out of his poor “familiar” friend at the bar. After observing mysterious behaviors (deteriorating friend, an email like “[e-mail],” avoidance of mirrors, and sitting at the “cursed table” under a skylight/portal), Jack seeks advice: mere humor, or is he confronting a genuine psychic threat?

Key Discussion & Advice

• The Evidence:

  • The “vampire” is increasingly vibrant, social, and fashion-forward, while his companion grows feeble and pays for everything.
  • The man’s email address is literally “[e-mail].”
  • Strategic bar seating avoids mirrors; the table has eerie “curse” lore attached.
  • Vampire’s friend regularly nods off and is rudely snapped awake.

• Hosts’ Guidance:

  • Psychic Self-Defense: Carry a “hunk of iron” (wards off supernatural entities like the Fae), possibly sourced from a railroad tie or hardware store.
  • Classic Vampire Countermeasures: Wear or place a cross discreetly, sprinkle holy water, and avoid eye contact to prevent being “glamoured.”
  • Grounding: Walk barefoot on grass and sit under trees (grounding oneself energetically).
  • Practical Measures: If the victim is visibly unwell, enforce bar policy (“overserved”) to remove him, possibly breaking the vampire’s hold—but beware open conflict.
  • Protect Yourself First: “Put your own life s on first.” (referring to airplane safety oxygen masks)

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth: “Iron wards off the fae. It wards off all kinds… One of my big gripes with public education is they should be teaching kids to carry iron in their pocket in case of supernatural force.” (25:13)
• Jake: “You found the one pocket of the podcast world where you are gonna get some goddamn help today.” (25:28)
• Caller Jack: “I gotta ground myself too.” (39:57)
• Jake: “Negative people are like the flu. You can feel it. They’ll bring you down.” (32:12)

Plan for Jack

• Start with iron & grounding.
• Discreetly try religious (cross, holy water) approaches.
• Consider removing the victim for “overserving,” but beware possible escalation (“that’s war”).
• Regularly check back on progress: “Will you please check back with us? Because you are about to undergo a battle.” (41:21)

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Call #2: The Furry Formal Portrait Predicament

Caller: Holly from Dallas, TX (43:49 – 59:27)

Summary

Holly drunkenly applied for a “fur baby” formal portrait experience with her cat, Rory, and got accepted—but can’t remember what she wrote on her application (which apparently made everyone at the studio laugh). Now she must prepare for a strict, formal (possibly AI-generated?) photo session with a cat that hates carriers, while worrying about matching the unfiltered chaos of her application.

Key Discussion & Advice

• Call Context:

  • The dress code is very formal; the studio touts “museum quality” portraits that last 200 years.
  • Holly’s application described her cat’s breed as “long hair crackhead.”
  • She wants to have fun, avoid embarrassment, and not offend the studio, all while bringing her and her cat’s best selves to the shoot.

• Hosts’ Guidance:

  • Show Up Buzzed (Responsibly): “If you study for a test high, you should take the test high, sister.” (49:49). Suggests Holly have a couple of wines before the shoot, with a friend driving.
  • Play a Character: Treat the session like acting, preparing a “thin veil” version of herself who is confident but polite, not apologetic or cowed by the fancy trappings.
  • Outfit Strategy: Embrace her preferred style—clean Ralph Lauren lines, Texas-chic boots, possibly a bolo tie or cowboy hat, whatever feels true and timeless.
  • Cat Handling Tips: Use appropriate, vet-approved sedatives like gabapentin, and don’t force uncomfortable clothes on the cat.
  • Embrace the Adventure & Follow Up: The story will make a great Christmas card—share the results with the podcast.

Notable Quotes:

• Jake: “Don’t you dare run from a bolo tie…cowboy boots, clean Ralph Lauren lines, and, day of, maybe a cowboy hat.” (54:59)
• Holly: “Under breed on the application I wrote ‘long hair crackhead.’” (49:33)
• Gareth: “Keep doing what you’re doing and keep keeping on.” (57:50)
• Jake: “Start thinking now…doesn’t have to be a big hurt, just a thin veil of a character.” (58:32)
• Jake on drunk audacity: “For you, keep drinking and taking big swings.” (49:46)

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Most Memorable Moments

• Jack’s detailed account of the “energy vampire” and his uncanny, on-the-nose email address (20:50).
• The discussion on psychic self-defense: “Carry a hunk of iron in your pocket.” (25:10)
• Holly’s app content (“long hair crackhead”) and her approach to the unlikely honor of a $1,500 pet portrait (49:33).
• Jake and Gareth’s nonjudgmental (and occasionally supernatural) support for their listeners’ oddest situations.

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Segment Timestamps

• Halloween Costume Nostalgia: 01:26 – 07:40
• Bigfoot Expedition: 04:06 – 06:56
• Hollywood Stories / Ed Begley Jr.: 07:40 – 09:54
• Call 1, Jack: Energy Vampire at the Bar: 14:34 – 41:45
  • “Energy vampire” reveal and details: 16:08 – 19:45
  • Mirror, glamour, iron defense: 24:26 – 31:01
  • Bar lore, cursed table, next steps: 36:46 – 41:45
• Call 2, Holly: Cat Portrait Chaos: 43:49 – 59:27
  • Dress code, application confusion: 47:33 – 52:27
  • Outfit/cat handling strategy: 54:59 – 57:50

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Tone & Takeaways

True to form, Jake and Gareth approach every problem—even those that tip into the supernatural—with a cocktail of empathy, irreverence, and real-life experience in bars, acting, and general human awkwardness. Whether arming listeners with hunks of iron for psychic self-defense or the confidence to turn drunken chaos into a $1,500 portrait, they create a safe, hilarious place for the delightfully weird.

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To call in with your own question, email [e-mail].
And if you’re Holly or Jack—don’t forget to update on your paranormal and portraiture adventures!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

Well, Eric, I'm sorry, buddy. Buddy. We're back. They're letting us do this again.

[A]

They're letting us roll.

[B]

Oh my God. This is great, Eric. It is my favorite time of year this Halloween season. I mean, and all. You know, hopefully in the next few episodes we'll be able to drop some little Halloween pre treats to satiate the Halloween to satiate the people who love all the spooky stuff like myself.

[A]

This is the one time of year where the kind of the world comes around where we are every day.

[B]

Yes, it's. It's our. This is our month. Eric, let me ask you a question. I have two questions for you off the bat. What was the favorite thing you ever dressed up as as a kid?

[A]

This isn't spooky, but I was Jim McMahon two years in a row for Halloween. The punky QB. Yeah, yeah. And then I did Frankenstein a lot. To me, the Universal horror movies are still my absolute favorite.

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

So I would dress up as the Boris Karloff. Frankenstein. He is still a huge personal hero to me. Help get our union going.

[B]

Here's a question I have for you. Like, what's the difference between like, because you're always kind of dressed like Frankenstein. Like what?

[A]

That was incredibly mean. You just said that out loud. Don't make me call you a big guy. But big guy you just said that out loud. But you know, as long as you're probing, Steve, I'll give it to you. First crush I ever really had in this life was Elsa Lancaster, the bride of Frankenstein.

[C]

Ooh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Very young me. And I felt some strange feelings stirring up that haven't left since.

[B]

Okay, okay. God. I'm here.

[A]

To be honest. All right. These people have been through the Rubicon with us. They've crossed it. They know. Yeah. Elsa, Elsa. Elsa Lancaster was a big one. And I love those original Universal movie monsters so much. Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney Jr. Senior. So I was Frankenstein a whole Bunch. And Jim McMahon. And based on some of the stuff Jim McMahon's saying these days now he. They're. They're not too different.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what I was my favorite Halloween costume I loved so much. I did it again the next year, just like you, two times a row. It was Mad Max.

[A]

Oh, Mel Gibson. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Unfortunately, Mel's a guy. I'm separating art from the arts.

[A]

No, no, no. We didn't know at the time.

[B]

Yeah, I love the Mad Max films. And so I had even like the one shoulder pad like he had. My dad saw the shoulder pad in half. It was great.

[A]

This is amazing and in no way surprising.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I was. I've been a fixated on the apocalypse my whole life.

[A]

I think you're ready. That's why when this goes down, I'm coming your way.

[B]

That's. Yeah, I already have an eye patch I keep in my closet that I will put on immediately when shit goes down. Because if you have an eye patch on, people ain't gonna mess.

[A]

No, no. They know this guy's already seen some stuff and lost some vision doing it.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah. So what are you going to be for Halloween this year?

[B]

I don't like. I love Halloween, but I'm not a big dress up guy. However, I will say this. On Halloween, guess what I'm going to be doing? What? I'm going to be in the Blue Ridge Mountains on a three day Bigfoot expedition with six people. No, you're not. Led by a husband and wife Bigfoot team.

[A]

Are you kidding?

[B]

Camping in the middle of. Yeah, I'm serious. I'm. I am legit nervous because this area has a ton of Bigfoot reports and other paranormal weirdness. So I'm going. I'm taking a leap of faith. Me and another dude who I know, a colleague, we are taking a leap of faith and gonna go Camp with total strangers in an undisclosed location in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

[A]

And here's what I love about you, Steve, that this sounds fun to you of camping with strangers. I would be so terrified, so worried about a bunch of stuff. And I just want to say I applaud you for doing this because you would need a firearm to get me to do this.

[B]

Well, thanks. I do appreciate it. Yeah, the one thing they were saying, we had like, a little zoom meeting with the husband and wife team, and they were like, you know, the do's and don'ts, and they're like, oh, you need to bring rattlesnake guards for your pants. I'm like, all right, whatever. Yeah. What? What? Yeah.

[A]

That's scarier than Bigfoot.

[B]

Well, what's scary to me is that they were like, no dope, no alcohol. And I. Huh.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I don't know. But my solve for that is I'll just, you know, pocket some edibles for the road. It's like, oh, yeah. If you're out there in the Blue Ridge Mountains looking to mix it up with old Sasquatch and some flying orbs of light, I'm going to need 10 milligrams in me.

[A]

Yeah. And here's a spoiler. Every single listener to the show knew you were going to sneak edibles.

[B]

Of course. Yeah, that's a given, right?

[A]

But do you know why they're saying no weed, no booze? Like, to me, if you're going out looking for Bigfoot, that would be the perfect time to indulge in some weed or booze.

[B]

I think maybe it's just so people don't get unruly. You know, there's. There's plenty of people out there. There's plenty of people.

[A]

Strangers, Bigfoot strangers.

[B]

Yeah, there's people who can't handle that stuff. And then, you know, I probably wouldn't want to deal with a bunch of roundabouts either, who are all boozed up. There's a booze thing I get, but no dope.

[A]

Isn't it funny? You're not a big dress up guy and I'm not a big dress up guy either.

[B]

I'm not yet.

[A]

I love Halloween and. Yeah, and there's this real fun Halloween party and everybody goes all out and dresses up. And I went there last year and just like, threw on a jack and said, hey, I'm Colombo. And I definitely felt like I was not accepted there. Like everyone else went so, so far above and beyond. And I've really phoned it in. So this year I think I'M gonna go as Victor French on Highway to Heaven. I have the A's hat, I have the Harrington jacket. I have the skeptical. But Jonathan, what's the big guy saying we need now? So I think, and I feel like people that know will know. Oh, God, that's the guy from highway to Heaven. That's funny. Not knowing. That's kind of how I regularly dress in life. I already have an ace out.

[B]

Look, I mean, I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but I'm the one who called out that you looked exactly like a Victor French that one day.

[A]

No. And it made me, I liter so happy.

[B]

I was like, Johnson, in a way, is kind of a bizarro Michael Landon.

[A]

He is. He is.

[B]

Imagine Johnson with that Michael Landon hair.

[A]

Oh, he'd be incredible. And he's got a great head of hair. I'm envious of his hair.

[B]

He needs to let it roll. Let it.

[A]

I mean, I think we're gearing toward a Highway to Heaven reboot way, way, way down the road. When he doesn't care as much about quality, I'm just going to try to browbeat him into being Michael Landon again. And let me be Victor French is Jake.

[B]

Our generation's Michael Landon.

[A]

He could be our generation's A. I think he can be our generation's Pacino. He could also be our generation's Michael Landon. Yeah, we're in a great choose your own adventure here. And I'm excited to see what he does. He's got some really cool stuff coming out.

[B]

He can be our generation Sal Mineo.

[A]

Oh, be careful. Easy. That's some high strangeness. Did not end well for poor Sal. Friends. Google's your friend and Sal's enemy. Poor guy. We might need to look at where that went down for Sal Mineo. Next time you come out, we should maybe do a weird here to help. Like look at some of these sorted Hollywood places. Go to where we lost Lenny Bruce. Go to Sal Mineo. I can take you by Brando's old place where he was trying to power his entire estate from electric eels that he kept in his pool, which was derailed when his cleaning lady son jumped in and got an electric shock. Oh, no. And he had to pay like 20 grand. We can go. And then he was having. They locked up his fridge so he couldn't eat. And then they found that he picked the lock and he nod through a wheel of Brie like a rat. And then he was paying friends to throw bags of Burger King over the Fen. What And I got a corner. But I think Ed Begley Jr. Might have been one of those friends.

[B]

Yeah, well, Begley, you know, I mean, he. He was in some interesting circles back in the 70s, in his drinking years.

[A]

You have to read his book. His book is absolutely amazing. And then we had a party a couple months ago. I brought my Tulsa and Albuquerque friends together, And Ed Begley Jr. Sat at this very table I'm at now. And when I say, nobody in this world has better stories than Ed Begley Jr. Nobody has better stories.

[B]

Here was at your house. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. He loved it. Yeah. I had a glorious friend of mine, Bradley James Dry, who cooked on the Lowdown set. And he was like, I'd love to come out and cook for you and your friends the way I cook for my family and my tribe back in Omaha. So I just started in Oklahoma. So I just started inviting friends over who I knew this would be awesome. We had the greatest group ever. All my Albuquerque and Tulsa friends got together and loved it. And nobody was more excited than Ed. He's like, I went back for thirds. Bradley is a gifted, gifted chef.

[B]

And, like. Yeah.

[A]

So he's kind of a beacon for how I'd like you and I to be in our 80s. That is the coolest dude.

[B]

And I'm honestly, like, I can't believe he didn't tell me sooner about Ed Begley being your house.

[A]

No. Hey, I can do multitudes. I got secrets, buddy.

[B]

Sure. However, I'm like. I'm like. I don't know. Like, I thought our friendship was stronger than that.

[A]

Well, I don't want to know. It just came up now. It was just another. Another glorious day over here, you know? How are.

[B]

Well, do you have anything coming up in terms of celebrating Halloween? Like, are you gonna go to a Halloween party or do anything?

[A]

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go to a Halloween party, and I'm super excited. I'm gonna dress up more this year and really participate. And then the day after November 1st, Brian Jonestown massacre at Pappy and Harriet's. I am so excited.

[B]

Hell, yes. It's gonna be amazing. You're gonna have the best time. It was one of the best shows I've seen in years. All right, man. Well, I am fired up. Take some calls. Eric, you ready to do this?

[A]

Let's dig in. Let's see if we can help. Steve on we help.

[E]

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[F]

Gareth and I send money to each other via Zelle when we are in the hole to the other guy, the easiest way to do it is Zell. We both use it. We both know that it works. Pay and or request. Request Money. Send me some money via Zell.

[B]

Why?

[F]

Because you owed to me, little rat. Time to send me the money you owe me. My brother, the great Danny J. And I do something for each other that to us, it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts and we do it randomly and we use Zell. We'll just every once in a while he'll get. Get $7.50 from me with a big subject that says, you deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts, for a moment, when he saw that $7.50 on a Tuesday morning at 7 before work, he thought, my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little.

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[B]

Hello. How you doing, pal?

[F]

Good.

[D]

How about yourself?

[B]

I'm doing fantastic. From this picture, I see you play guitar.

[D]

I do.

[A]

That's you.

[D]

That's me. I'm not gonna lie though. I plan on using a fake name if that's okay.

[A]

No, no, no. Okay, no more. I'm just saying fake name. My fault, my fault, my fault. Collier on the air, what's your name?

[D]

Jack.

[B]

Jack.

[A]

Okay, Jack, but that is you in the photo. Because whoever's in the photo, I can already tell, I really like and I have similarities with that's me, a younger version.

[B]

Oh, let me just ask a quick question. This. This will be a good way to do a vibe check with you. What is like your musical inspirations for you playing music like what, What. What do you like? Not that you're emulating or copying, but like, what's, what's, you know, what's coming through you?

[E]

Oh, man.

[D]

I. I guess the easy answer would be like Kurt Cobain.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[A]

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[B]

I think we're all. I think we're all inspired by Kurt.

[A]

Do you think. Do you think Kurt Cobain killed himself or was he murdered?

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Let'S just start with the hard hitting journalism.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Let's call it a mix.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right, all right, all right, all right.

[B]

I think that's fair. I think that's fair.

[A]

I think we're on the same page. We're. We're a mixed kind of podcast.

[B]

So, Jack, where you call. Where's the call from, Jack? Where are you calling from, Ben?

[D]

Outside of Boston.

[B]

Okay, I've heard of it.

[A]

Steve's heard of it.

[B]

I've heard of it. Jack, my brother, what is on your mind? What can we help you with today?

[D]

Yeah, so I. So I bartended a restaurant outside of Boston, and I think one of my regulars is an energy vampire. Hey, like an actual.

[B]

Oh, buddy, these are walk.

[A]

They walk among us.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, these are. So go on, let's fill some details and give me some. Give us some examples so we can have something to work with here.

[D]

Yeah, so. So he comes in with his friend there, who I think is the familiar. He's the guy he's draining energy from. They're both, like, in their late 80s, but the. And the vampire, they come in three or four times a week. And the vampire, like, he's been getting. Over the course of the past year, since he started bringing his friend, he's been, like, ordering seconds of his meals and, like, getting more drinks. He'll walk up to other tables and, like, start conversation. He started, like. He started dressing better, like, flashier. He'll, like, undo buttons and show some chest hair. Looks great. Looks great. Yeah.

[B]

No, and he's in his 80s, and he's become a voracious eater and drinker.

[D]

Yeah, he's just like. He's full of life. Just absolutely full of life. And the guy he's with is just looks, like worse every day. Like, it's like.

[A]

Steve, he's getting drained.

[B]

He's getting drained. He's sucking his youth through vampire vampiric powers.

[D]

And so I, like, started this joke that I was like. I was like, oh, this guy's like an energy vampire. Like, and, like, around work, you know, you gotta have fun. So turn around and then. And like a month ago, the vampire gets in. Oh, so by the way, he. The vampire lives, like 40 minutes away. Okay.

[A]

What?

[D]

The familiar lives down the block, but this guy doesn't pick him up. And he, like, inch worms along the street to, like, get to this place. He made the vampire, makes the guy pay.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

He'll, like, fill out the sheep room. It's. It's weird. Like, he'll drive past this guy while he's, like, crawling with his cane to get down the street. He'll drive past and park, go inside, order his drink, and wait for this guy to show up.

[A]

Okay, Jack, I have to ask this. Jesse, the producer, how do you know where the Vampire lives. And how do you know. And how. Have you seen this interaction with the car? Because I bet. I'm willing to say vampires are incredible over sharers as well. Yeah, I bet Jack knows way too much about her vampire.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, well, he's. I mean, it's been coming in for, like, you talk to people, you know what I mean? Like. Like, how's your day go? Like, you get. You just get to know people after a while, especially at the spot. So, like, yeah, he's just like, oh, I live. I live over in XYZ and stuff like that and like, traffic, you know, he'll tell you about, like, traffic on the way and stuff like that. And I. I live around the area too, so I've seen the familiar, like, get. Leave his apartment, you know, Like, I see him around block and stuff like that. Regular. So. Yeah. So I know like the. Yeah, I know where they live and everything.

[B]

Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this, Jack. What. What's the. The vibe with the other patrons in the bar? Do they, like, you see stirring conversations? He is like, you know, apparently kind of affable.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Are the other patrons of the bar, like, weirded out by this guy or they're like, hey, we love this vampire dude.

[D]

Oh, no, they love him.

[B]

Yeah, they love him.

[A]

That's what they do, though, especially this guy gains life force by the day by draining his poor buddy.

[B]

That's right. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I've seen enough Buffy the Vampire Slayer to know that a vampire can charm just about anyone.

[D]

So everything came to a head like a month ago where. So this guy gets. The vampire gets in, you know, before his friend, obviously. And he sits down, he orders a margarita, and he pulls out his iPad. Okay. He's got the iPad. And from where he's sitting, like, if I'm at the computer, we can, like, I can see the iPad. And like, I'm not nosy, but, like, you know, you just like, glance over.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And can I just say, there's nothing more interesting than somebody, some stranger texting in front of me. Whatever they're texting, I jump in. I read it, Mike. It's fascinating. I can't help it. I'll crane my face, like, looking at the sun.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't keep anything from me. I mean, Eric and I are, you know, we moonlight as espionage Asians.

[A]

So please.

[B]

Yeah, please go on. So what was on this iPad?

[D]

So he was just looking at the news, but his email. I don't want to dox Him. But his email was like energy vampire at Gmail.

[A]

No, it's not. No, it is not. No, it's not.

[B]

Are you kidding me?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Okay, so right off the bat, right off the bat to put my supernatural hat on this guy sounds like he might be putting what we call in the business a glamour on this old man. The old man who's hobbling around, who's paying for everything. So vampires, one of the powers that they have is called the glamour, which basically they can put like a spell on a person to get them to do anything they want. Like, anything they want. And it, like you said, it's almost as familiar. I think he might be a familiar, but, like, not of his own accord. You know what I'm saying?

[D]

Yeah, he's trapped.

[B]

He's trapped. So are you looking for this guy just to get rid of this guy, or are you looking to, like, you know, fight fire with fire and go into, like a supernatural battle with him?

[D]

I think I got. I just gotta figure. I figured I'd, you know, come to you guys and how do I get. How do I get proof or what do I do?

[A]

Certainly in that email address, he's. Sometimes it's a crazy thing, they have to self identify, they have to leave clues, they have to leave breadcrumbs because it's part of the cosmic contract they made. And Jack, when I'm most concerned about right now, because already I feel like we're friends and I'm very concerned about your energy. And I worked in bars for years and I was a doorman and I beat the cat in the fiddle. And there weren't many fights there, thank God, because I would have run the other way because they weren't paying me enough to get this beautiful face hit. But I remember I would. There was a guy that would come in named Martin, and he would come in on Sundays. He'd start out sweet as pumpkin pie. He played keyboard in a church. And by the end of Sunday, he drank so much, he would say the worst things in the world to try to get me to hit him in the face. He would make weight jokes. He would try to pinch my fat. What he would never remember it.

[B]

Knocked this guy's head off. Dude.

[A]

Well, then I go to jail. And then also, let's be honest, who knows if I could have beat him. Daddy hasn't been in a fight since middle school, Eric. And it's those little guys. That's how I got out of fights. And I was bouncing, by the way. They come up and Want to fight me? And I'd be like, see this right knee here? You look like you've done some martial arts. Yeah, I'm in a dojo. Yeah, you already won. You take out slide my right knee. I'm on the ground.

[B]

I'm like a goddamn turtle.

[A]

Well, no, whether it's. That's how I got out of fights. It was the anti roadhouse. Instead of fighting, it was negotiating my way out of it and telling they've already won. And then they're so confused they'd leave. But I would feel so drained by these people. I would be grateful that. That it was a distraction time wise, but I would feel so drained. So first and foremost, I want Jack to keep his energy intact because you're kind of captive there making drinks. And I think you actually have. I think we throw around the term energy vampire, but it's very real. You have friends that lift every time I hang out with Steve.

[B]

No, you stop it.

[A]

I'm so happy. I feel my energy boosted. I don't want to stop hanging out. Even in the zoom. I get sad when it's over.

[B]

It's because I put a glamour on you years ago.

[A]

Oh, hey, it's worked. And you can use a glamour for good. I've had a couple times. I have overwhelmed people in audition rooms with energy and they've given me the part in the room. And then after they consider like I. He did something in there. It's actually. He's not right for this. Where I would like. Well, that felt legally binding. But Jack, how do you. How do you. You feel when you're dealing with this creep?

[D]

Dude, I. I let other people deal with them.

[A]

Okay, well, that's already.

[D]

As soon as I saw the email, I was out, dude. I was. I was out.

[B]

Okay, a couple quick things you can. My first question is. This sounds crazy. This sounds crazy. Is there a mirror in the bar? Like, like, you know, a lot of bars, mirrors in the background. Like, is it. Is he. Is he casting a reflection or not?

[D]

They have a usual table. And now that you mention it, it's exactly where the mirror isn't.

[B]

You just.

[A]

Oh, my God. This is wild. This is wild.

[B]

So, okay, you definitely have a psychic look in the technical term is a psychic vampire. Right. Okay, a couple things I would do. The first thing I would do as protection against this is just psychic self defense 101. Here. Carry a hunk of iron in your pocket.

[A]

No way. What? You're kidding.

[B]

Iron wards off the fae. It wars off all kinds.

[A]

What is fae? Steve, pretend you're talking to two people that are not deeply immeshed in this.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Jack, you're not being told to carry a hunk of iron in your pocket because it wards up the fae. You're home, brother.

[D]

You're home.

[A]

You found the one pocket of the podcast world where you are gonna get some goddamn help today. Steve, talk to me about the iron and what is is fay.

[B]

Well, before I get to that, I would say that is one of my big, big gripes with the public education system is that they should be teaching kids from a young age to carry iron in their pocket in case they run into a supernatural force. Right, right. Everyone agrees with that.

[D]

I mean, it's happening right now.

[A]

None of us.

[B]

Anyways, the fae is basically fairies from the fairy realm, like Celtic fairy faith and Scottish fairy faith and Scandinavian fairy faith. Every culture has their version of the fae. In Muslim cultures, it's called the jinn, which I'm not even supposed to say out loud, but I just did, so now I'm screwed.

[A]

I'm shaking that off. Y. Shaking that off.

[B]

Anyways, it's like a lot of the supernatural stuff may emanate from the fay realm. Look, I don't have any scientific evidence on that. That's just a theory. However, we're talking about you dealing with the psych. So this guy's actually calling himself an energy vampire, which is wild.

[A]

And we are watching his friends lose his life force by the day.

[B]

I can't believe he's sitting at the one table that doesn't cast a mirror reflection. That is insane. So, first off, for your own safety, I would definitely go and carry the hunk of iron. Now, I don't how you're bent religiously, but, you know, typically, we all know vampires do not like a cross. I wonder if, you know, maybe wearing a cross or, you know.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Well, I am just saying.

[A]

I know, Steve. I was prepared to come out gunning.

[B]

Look, I mean, I think it's great.

[A]

And it will. It will keep him away.

[C]

Right.

[D]

Should I put it under their table?

[A]

Oh, wow, that's overt. That's then war.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I think, I think you act like you're having a late religious phase. Not unlike Bob Dylan in the early 80s when he came out and sang Three Hours of Christian music. Yeah, you just act like God. Jack's having a religious phase. That cross will keep him away. Don't you think, too, Steve?

[B]

I mean, you know, I, I, I personally have never been around a vampire, but I, you know, I'm Just going by what the lore tells me. And the, The. You know, the lore of vampires is they do not like crosses. I would try the cross on the table. I love it. I would also, if you want to go the extra length, the extra mile, maybe put a little holy water in this drink. Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And see if his mouth starts smoking. Okay.

[A]

Hey, Jack, you're regular smoking over there. Jack, this is a. I think, a more important question. We would imagine. So you say that this. This. This vampire is coming, ordering two entrees.

[D]

Yeah, he'll. He'll clean his plate and then order another one.

[B]

Let me guess. Is it a lot of beef things? Very rich, rare.

[D]

You know, it's. It is a beef pasta that he gets. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, but pasta does have garlic in.

[D]

It, which is to say he's good on garlic.

[A]

He.

[D]

He can eat. So we know that. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Well, I believe the Lost Boys, a great movie about vampires. They were. They. Garlic didn't do anything to him, but holy water did. There's a famous line in it, like, where the vampire says, garlic don't work, boys. And then Corey Haim says, yeah, but holy water does. And he shoots him with a whole. So, I mean, like, I feel like Corey Haim a pretty good handle on vampires in the Lost Boys.

[A]

So that may have been. Would take him down. And according to some rumors, he may have ran into one. And Mr. Charlie Sheen. We don't want to get sued. We totally respect Mr. Sheen ordering from the other side of the menu. He's in a safe place. Well, so.

[B]

And so you're dealing with a specific kind of vampires called, like, whether it's metaphorical or not, we all have been around people who drain our energy, and it is unpleasant. Right. So whether he's supernatural or not, not, you got to deal with this thing. So I think you're doing the right thing by like, having other. Like, you know, if. If other people aren't as bothered by this vampire, that's probably good for. To have them deal with it. However, you know, you're gonna have to deal with them at some point. That's just, you know, it's your job. I would definitely put the hunk of iron in your pocket, and I would never stare into this person's eyes long enough because he will put a glamour on you faster than you can say in Mississippi. I'm telling you right now, like, those do not deep into this man's eyes, Steve.

[A]

Where does one get a hunk of iron?

[B]

Okay, so, you know, and this is actually comes from our colleague and friend of mine, John El Tenney, where he. He would recommend that if your home is under some kind of, like, psychic paranormal attack, go to a railroad. And on any railroad, there'll be railroad ties. And what a lot of. What a lot of people will do is I should say a lot of people probably. Probably like 12 people. They will put a railroad tie in every corner of their yard, and that will ward away bad spirits.

[A]

No. You're kidding.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm almost wondering. You could. I don't know how your boss is fixed for this, but you could go walk down a railroad, which would be a nice little pleasant Sunday walk anyways.

[A]

Oh, right. Come on. Right.

[B]

Oh, beautiful. Yeah. Bring a picnic and whatnot. You could get these railroad ties, or you could go to a hardware store and just buy some hunks of iron, I'm sure. And they'll know you're like, oh, for vampire protection, you know? Yeah. They'll understand it.

[A]

They won't. They won't.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

They will not.

[B]

Explain it to them.

[A]

Please don't, Jack. Please don't. We want to keep your rep in the community. We want you playing that music beautifully.

[B]

We.

[A]

We are a believer in you and your talent.

[B]

Yeah, well, I would. I would. I would put. See if you can put some iron in the establishment. Just little hunks in the corners. Oh, wow.

[A]

Under his table.

[B]

This may actually push this psychic vampire to go to another establishment I really like. If he is. If. If this guy is. Think he might be. I think the iron could be a good, like, first. First line of defense.

[D]

Yeah, something. I mean, I have more examples. Like, it's.

[B]

I want more examples, Jack.

[A]

Give us more examples.

[B]

Give it up.

[D]

So the. His friend will, like, fall asleep at the table, you know, like when they get the food. And.

[B]

Oh, boy, he'll.

[D]

He'll lean in. The vampire will lean in and go.

[B]

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.

[D]

Up.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah, Give us more, Jack. Give us more.

[D]

I'm like, do I. Do I let this guy go? Like, is it. Put your own life s on first? Like, do I. Can I help this guy or do I just gotta, like, guess, save myself?

[A]

I mean, you have to save yourself first. What you're gonna do with the iron. And then also, Jack, what do you know about grounding?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

What I would love electricity. Yeah. There is a massive power in grounding. So what I would love for you to do, and this is all science by way before anybody starts laughing, please do laugh. That's why we're here.

[B]

This is real.

[D]

This is a serious issue.

[A]

Yeah, we know it is. And you know, you're in the right place, brother, because I felt this working in bars, because a lot of people that come into bars are looking for something. And to people that aren't understanding this, perhaps the term vampire became physically synthesized of like biting the neck because of not being able to fully and adequately explain energy. Vampires, I always say, negative people are like the flu. You can feel it. They will bring you down. I make very active choices in my life not to be around them, sometimes at the detriment of perhaps my career. Other stuff. I'm like, it is not worth it for me to be dragged down by this person. But there is incredible science now on grounding. You sit underneath a tree, see how you feel. You will feel grounded. The other thing I would love for you to do, I want you to go bare feet in the grass.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

This will literally ground you, ground your body and give you a force field. Your goal now is to have your energy and whichever religious bent you have. I'd be so curious to see what happens if you just casually give this guy his pasta and you're wearing a little cross around your neck. Keep it hidden. We don't need anybody at the bar thinking you're anything, that you're not, religious wise. But if you just kind of walk up to his table and let that cross dangle around your neck, oh, boy. I also say this to you as somebody who went to nine years of Catholic school, I want to thank the Jesuits for their incredible education that made me so open minded. You go to a Catholic church, they're not going to bat an eye at any of this. And they will fix you up with some holy water.

[B]

That's fine.

[A]

They even sell the little container containers there. If you went to a Catholic priest right now, they would just very nod. And we now have a Pope from the south side of Chicago that I'm sure believes in all this stuff. So I don't know what the spiritual protocol is. I'm putting holy water in his food. I think my friend Steve there might be taking very aggressive action. But if you dust his booth with a little holy water, you hide some iron there, already you're taking giant steps to protect your energy and the energy of this bar.

[B]

I have a practical idea that doesn't involve the supernatural. So his his familiar, this poor man who is paying for everything. And this guy, by the way, my guess is this guy's probably 24 years old and he's been and he's sucking the life out of this.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah, Right. But what you could do, Jack, is he keeps on nodding off at the table. He does not look like he's. Well, you, as a person who owns an establishment that sells spirits, you could go up to this. This. Go. You've been overserved. You have to leave the bar. You keep on. You're falling asleep. And it's just not the look the bar in the establishment really wants. Because that's fair. If I was the owner of a bar and stuff like that or a restaurant, I don't want some old dude who's passing out. That's not the environment I want to go have a cocktail in. If I'm you, and this is really bothering me, I go on the offensive. And I think next time the old man nods off in the bar, I think you can politely see, say, I worked at a bar, too, and if someone was apparently drunk, I was a bouncer as well. They would say, you need to ask them to leave the bar. Because that's just not a good look for the establishment. It really isn't, though. You know, Like, I feel like if you're, like, running a bar or restaurant and you're letting people, like, get overserved and rowdy and passing out at tables, I mean, like, get him, you know, 86 that mother.

[A]

He 86 is the victim, though. That energy vampire is coming after Jack. That's the problem. This is. This is a victim. Think about that, Steve. Jack has watched in real time this, the vampire's energy build up. He's taken down two, three buttons, showing off that probably incredible white chest hair. He's probably going to start chatting up people looking for sexual partners. Stephen. I'm just going to say that right now in the air, they have hunger. Yeah, yeah, they have a hunger.

[D]

And I'm going to go back to school, you know?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, God. Right? It's like. It's like the horror version of Rodney Dangerfield back to school.

[B]

This guy is.

[A]

I. I think if Jack kicks out the victim, all of a sudden it's war. I think that. Steve, I totally respect your opinion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just don't want Jack in a war with this guy. We've now given him a bunch of tools to adequately fight that war. We've given him provisions and a musket and good boots. But, like, all the grounding in the world, all the energy streaming up the iron, holy water across, it's going to be declared war if he starts taking away this guy's accuracy.

[B]

And that's What I'm telling Jack to do. I'll be respect.

[A]

J. How do you feel about that? Are you ready for this?

[B]

I would go.

[A]

Are you strapped in? Are you dialed in?

[B]

I think if you.

[D]

I'm good. I got to figure out how to do all this without looking totally schizophrenic, but.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, You're. You're. You're a hero, and you're going to do this quietly, and you might save this goddamn bar. Let me ask you about the bar itself. How old is it? Is it one of those great haunted bars in the region that you're in? I'm not going to mention, but, like, what's the. What's. Because I was in a completely haunted bar called the Cat Fiddle here, and there were definitely spirits in there, and not just the spirits being sold by the bartenders. So tell me a little bit about the energy of the bar you're in and the history of it, please.

[D]

Yeah, so it's about 20 years old. They.

[B]

They.

[D]

They do sit at, like, what we consider, like, the curse table.

[A]

Oh. Why is it a cursed table? What is happening?

[B]

There's no mirror reflection.

[A]

Tell me about the curse table.

[D]

Well, so it has, like, a skylight above it that, like, the joke. The joke is that the joke has been for years, for, like, 10 years, that if the constellations are different in the skylight, like, we think it's, like, all the bad energy of the place, like, comes in through that.

[B]

It's a conduit.

[D]

It's a portal conduit.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I mean, I had to. I had to, like. I guess, like, slow roll a lot of this stuff because, like, we. We got a lot of lore, you know what I mean? And I didn't. I didn't want to seem totally crazy, you know?

[A]

You know the show you called into, Right.

[D]

You.

[A]

You might be the sanest person we've talked to in a while. Including ourselves. Including ourselves. But that. That also means a lot that he's picking that booth. No. Mirror that is supposedly cursed with the constellations. My God. You're. I think you're up against. Sadly, I hate to report this. I think you're up against a very worthy adversary.

[B]

Yeah. And I. I would. I would concur with that. I do think there are. You should try to take some steps. So, Jack, here's what I recommend, and just let me know if this sounds good to you. Let's start with the iron. Let's get across. You don't even have to brandish it. You can keep it in your pocket as like, as just kind of like a, as a weapon that you have to pull in case you need it. I would also consider. It sounds bananas. Sprinkle a little bit of holy water, which I know in Boston is readily available and you can walk into a church. Look, I've seen plenty of movies where people are filling up their squirt guns with water bottles or with holy water. So I would try, I would try a couple dashes on top of that margarita, see what happens, do some experiments. This is going to be. I don't think there's an easy solve for this one. Cut and dry. But what you're trying to do is organically with a little supernatural psychic self defense, push this guy out of this bar into another. I would also continue consider going on the offensive and using the old man passing out at the table as a reason to kick them out. That's what I would do. But you know, if you don't want to go there, I get it. But what do you think your plan is? Is there anything you're going to take away from this?

[D]

Yeah, I think I'm definitely gonna take some iron and put it, put it under the table or something or under like the chair and keep it, keep.

[B]

It on your personal. And two, I can't.

[D]

I gotta ground myself too.

[A]

First and foremost. First and foremost, yeah.

[B]

You get some iron, you stand in that grass for at least 10 minutes. Erica's right in the money about that. And I mean I would just arm yourself with the weapons of the psychic realm.

[A]

I'm not trying to take on anyone else's energy, but I'm not worried about you. I think you're up against something here. You're watching somebody's life force get drained in front of you and the other person pick it up. Which is what energy vampires do. Those people that you feel weird hanging out, out with. And maybe to our listeners, if you're hanging out with them out of obligation, stop. They will drain you dry.

[B]

Yeah. So your, your whole play here, it sounds like you're going to go with the psychic self defense. I think that's your first volley. However, I would say I would do, I would do some soul searching about being offensive. You know, going on the offense and getting and helping this poor old man. Because I mean like it sounds like this guy is being taken advantage of. It sounds like he's got a glamour put on him. But you could be the one to break this glam and release this man from captivity.

[D]

I mean if nothing else, it's Elder abuse, you know?

[A]

Right, sure is.

[B]

Exactly. So you can. You know, we got to protect our elders, right? That's. It's. That's incumbent upon all of us younger people. So go out there, help an old man. And when you're. By helping your old man, you're going to help yourself and you're going to help the establishment. That sound like a plan?

[D]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Jack, will you please check in back with us? Because we are actively now, I'm sending. Sending you energy right now for your fight, but we really need to stay in touch with this. You have to check in with us regularly because you're about to undergo a battle. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

It's the real deal, brother.

[A]

We believe and we believe in you big time.

[B]

Yeah. You got this.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

You got this, Jack.

[D]

I'm ready to go.

[B]

All right, brother.

[A]

We feel it.

[B]

Good luck, dog.

[E]

All right.

[D]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Bye, Jack. Seeing your bar one day?

[D]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Or when you're playing live music, whatever it is, and then you're going to get a great song out of this more than anything else. You know that, right?

[D]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

I hope you don't get a glimmer. Don't look in the eyes of this man either. Do not look in the eyes.

[D]

Oh, yeah, no. I'm wearing sunglasses at work from now on.

[B]

Amen, buddy.

[A]

Hell yes. Cancel Christmas.

[B]

It's all right. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

All right. Thanks, guys.

[A]

Bye, buddy.

[F]

This episode is brought to you by Square Space. In our last ad, I talked about somebody creating a Squarespace spot for weird here to help. People have been writing in. We are talking to Squarespace. We're going to do this. Why hasn't it happened yet? Who knows? Things are slow. There's a lot cooking. It's a busy world. But we appreciate the emails. We all know you love Squarespace as much as we do. You want to see how good it is? Go to garethreynolds.com to check out Squarespace and that girly ginger.

[E]

Why Squarespace? I don't know. Because they're absolutely the best. They give you everything you need in one platform. Everything. It could showcase your. Your customizable web design. It gets you to attract clients for your business. They help you find the best domain name. I mean, that is the. The building block of a website. They have cutting edge design tools. Helps you get fully customed website in just a few steps. My website is Squarespace. Every website we use for the show is Squarespace. It is Squarespace through and through.

[F]

So go to squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me. Remember him? Gilly bean. To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Wherever you are, Gilly, we're thinking about you.

[A]

Lathered up. Steve. Hello.

[B]

Who. What's your name and who we're talking to? Where are you from, my friend?

[C]

Hi, my name is Holly.

[B]

Love it.

[C]

And I am calling from Texas.

[B]

Oh, we're in Texas. Let's get some specificity going here.

[C]

Dallas, Texas.

[B]

Oooh, Dallas. The JRUing. Okay.

[A]

There's a great reference for the kids. The show that went off the air in 1986. Oh, boy. We are gently culturally relevant.

[B]

Who killed Junior? No, no, no.

[A]

Dallas Cowboy cheerleader Steve.

[B]

Okay, Holly, are you related to Jerry Brown, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys?

[A]

First off, Jerry Jones?

[C]

I am.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

No, thankfully, I'm not.

[B]

Yeah, he's. He's a turkey.

[A]

Uh, okay, so he really is.

[B]

They've not wanted forever.

[A]

It just shows you can get away with murder in today's America if you're a charismatic billionaire. Like, they've not won in forever, and he does this little snake oil stuff and distracts people, and they forget about all the losing.

[B]

Yeah. I hope you're not a Dallas Cowboys fan. Cause I don't. We don't want to come off as offensive. I'm not. Do you? I don't even watch the NFL. Are you a Dallas Cowboys fan?

[C]

One. Not a Dallas Cowboys fan. I also don't watch NFL.

[B]

Yeah, we're done. Okay. Okay, Holly. Well, gush good. Gush good. Gosh. Go all Darnie. That didn't come out right. That was just a word. Sell. What can we help you with today, friend? Lay it on us.

[C]

All right. Yeah, absolutely. I'll give you the situation and then the problem and what I need from y'. All. So a portrait studio, like a photo portrait studio near me, is running a fur baby project where they're basically saying, hey, you can apply. You come in and get your portrait made with your pet. We will use the image to promote our business, and then you, as like, thank you for participating, get to receive an actual portrait. These portraits are, like, 14 inches, so that's already a lot. I found out this week that my application was accepted. The problem is, is that when I sent in the application, I may have had one or two extra glasses of wine that I didn't need to have.

[A]

Holly. Been there, friend. Been there.

[B]

Holly's a good time girl. Okay, let's go.

[A]

I love that.

[F]

You do.

[A]

When you're drunk.

[B]

I'm shifting in my chair.

[A]

You're not. You're not being destructive. You're not getting crazy. You're just trying to get a picture of you and your fur baby.

[B]

Yeah, this is way better than the stuff I do when I'm drunk. We're all, I'll order, like, a $500 UFO book from 1949 that I don't even want to, but.

[A]

Oh, the stuff I bought on ebay. Navajo clasp. Are you kidding? So many baseball cards. Okay, so we already know we have something we can learn from Ollie here. Steve, we've got some dumb. I'm drunk buying.

[B]

I have a great respect for Hollywood.

[C]

Definitely. I followed. I think I fall definitely in, like, the chaotic good place in that quadrant. So. So when they. When I spoke with the studio, they were, you know, we're so excited to have you do this. This is great. The problem is, is that because I applied or sent to my application when I was intoxicated, I remember about 10% of what I put on the application, and I don't know why I was accepted because I don't know what my application said. So I know that every time that I spoke with people, they all laughed really hard when they pulled up my application. I was not sent a copy of my application. So what I need help with is prepping for this portrait because the studio session or this studio has a really strict formal dress code. I sent some. I sent the link in and maybe some pictures of what dress code.

[A]

Talk to us about this studio and the dress code.

[B]

That's. That's odd.

[C]

It's there because they usually do just normal portraits, but this is. Whatever promo they're running. They are real fired up about bringing people in that have pets, but they have a formal dress code.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And underneath, part of the dress code where it asks about, like, if you're considering casual wear, you really should consider, like, the longevity of this portrait that you will be receiving and the timelessness of it.

[A]

So first off, this is that she. She. Dallas. Dallas, you're talking about.

[B]

I'm not even joking. I'm. I feel. I feel like every picture I'm Looking @ is AI, Eric. Do you feel that way?

[A]

A lot of them. A lot of them. And, like, look at the dog in the formal wear. Like, you understand, this is what my wife does.

[B]

Pictures of dogs. You know, they're definitely wanting more. They're definitely.

[A]

What about the one she's dressed like a pilgrim? She's dressed like Hester Prynne.

[B]

It's Terrifying. It's absolutely terrifying.

[A]

Yeah. This is the other side of Texas. This is like the get outside of Tex a little bit, but I think you can soar and rise above this. First off, most importantly, who is your fur baby?

[C]

Yeah, so I have a cat named Rory. I also sent in photos of her, named after Rory Gilmore, but like the.

[B]

Earlier Rory Gilmore before I'm a Gilmore Girls fan.

[A]

Oh, sure.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Great show. Yeah.

[C]

So, yeah, so named after the better version in the earlier seasons. And she's. I know for sure that when I did send in the application, I definitely, definitely worded some things like this might be a disaster. So if y' all want to see like a real shit show go down between me and my cat, you're really sign us up.

[B]

Rory is incredible. Oh my God. What kind of cat is this? Beautiful.

[C]

I don't know what kind of cat she is, but when I called the studio, one of the things that they told me was that under breed on the application I wrote long hair crackhead.

[A]

I. I will not say this often. I, I think it's possible you're you' fightly buzz self is deeply in tune with your best self because clearly you're getting results. I don't ever want on an advice show to say keep drinking and taking big swings, but for you, keep drinking and taking big swings.

[B]

Which brings me to my first pitch and suggestion is, you know, like they say, like if you, if you study for a test high, you should take the test high, sister. I'm wondering, I'm wondering if you, you, you can't bring a cat into a bar, but you could drink at home. So I mean, I'm thinking what if you had two glasses, Sauvignon Blanc or something nice and chilled? Because I would feel like it's hot in Texas and then you, you take an Uber over there. Yeah.

[C]

Or yeah, have someone drive me and I'm sure they're allow me to take in like a water bottle, quote, unquote.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And Uber's will let you take a cat? They'd be lucky to me.

[B]

Are you, are you, are you decent at holding your liquor? Like, I mean, like, you know what I mean? Honestly, like, can you have a couple glass of wine and get by fairly undetected?

[A]

Yes, I can, because Steve can.

[B]

I mean, I can. I'm a professional. I, I think you should get your, get your buzz on and go get this done. I love, I think if you can have a buddy drive you, that's the best case scenario. As long as your buddy agrees not to drink. And then afterwards, you all can get. Go get messed up and have some fun. But, like, I think you get your. Get your homegirl, your homeboy to come over to your house. This is such a fun. You can take video of the whole event because this is so fun. And we would love to see of you having a glass of wine prepared to go get your photographs.

[E]

Oh, please.

[A]

And understand, we already know. It's already been proven they love your drunk self. Yeah, that's hiding that in the door.

[C]

I have to get Xanax for my cat. So, I mean, like, we could both be, like, out of our minds.

[A]

That's the way to do it.

[C]

And I think that that is a way to do it. But I also want to be able to navigate the shoot without letting them realize that I may not even be the same person that sent in the application. Because if they start asking specific questions and it gets to like a. Oh, holy crap. I don't remember putting that in there.

[A]

So.

[C]

Also part of this, and I don't know, I'm not really in the portrait world, so I don't know how things are priced.

[B]

Oh, you know, I'm deep in the portrait world. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

[C]

Oh, great. They told me it is, you know, you do you. But they told me that it is worth fifteen hundred dollars. It's museum quality and lasts for two hundred years. So I also don't want to go in and be making fun of the process, but I also want to be fun in it and also have a picture that still shows personality.

[B]

So, yeah, here's what I would say. Eric, Eric, let me know what you think about this. If I'm. If I'm Holly, I approach this like the acting role of my life. Okay.

[A]

Because.

[B]

Because one, she said some things that we just can't get the information of. Like you can't get the applic back and find out what you said you don't remember. I mean, I think you maybe could do hypnotic regression and pull some of those memories out. I don't think it's worth it. I think you approach this as you are going in to play the role of your life. You choose a slight veil of a character that's not too dissimilar from you. And you go in there and you just make some. You pre. Make some choices. Like, I'm going to stick to this vibe, and it's not going to be disrespectful to the portrait people. However, I wouldn't tower tow to them. You know, because if they're like, well, it's worth fifteen hundred dollars. It will last two hundred years. They're already trying to intimidate anyone coming in. They're like making it seem like we're doing you such a big favor. You're doing them the favor because they're trying to start this and you're helping them start their business and doing, you.

[A]

Know, what doesn't last 200 years.

[B]

People, huh? So I would, first off, don't go in there being intimidated by these people. Let's whatsoever the. You have the upper hand here. And I think you go in there, you look how you want to look, like whatever, like you feel comfortable in. I like the way I look at it. If it's, even if it's not formal, you wear that. You wear what you want to wear. Like, like, I like to wear denim shirts because I feel good in it and I like. I just like the way I feel in it. So I would wear denim even if they're like, well, it's a suit and tie affair. I'm like, well, guess what, Jack? This boy wants to wear some denim. He's a psych rocker.

[A]

Yeah. So it's called a Canadian tuxedo for a reason. And who are your style. Who do you look for? So, like Steve Styling, Anton Newcomb, Brian Dennehy, Roy Clark from Hee Haw. That's where Steve vibrates. When you look at people of like, this is whose style I like to kind of crib who jumps to mind.

[C]

I think maybe less people wise, but just any sort of like, I feel like clean lines. Anytime that I think of, like style icon, I just think of sort of Ralph Lauren, like just sort of their brand in that one kind of simple, like, yeah, sort of Reese Witherspoon. But I can also get kind of Texas with it. And I love a pair of boots. And I, yeah, I do love, like, oh, yeah, all that.

[A]

So don't you dare run from a bolo tie. Now you.

[C]

I have never been one to run.

[A]

From a bow tie, cowboy boots, some clean Ralph Lauren lines. And I will say, Steve, for the large man, there's incredible deals on ebay, ebay for Ralph Lauren, but that's neither here nor there.

[B]

Is that true?

[A]

But I'm already kind of seeing you and Rory of you and those classy, clean lines, but with a good old pair of cowboy boots. And then it could be a daytime on the day decision of a cowboy hat.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because that's also very, very formal.

[C]

I get to take multiple options with me just in case. And then there's like a whole. There's a whole. The artistic director direct quote from the lady I spoke to at the studio with me on our best look.

[B]

Okay, that's great.

[A]

Oil money, Steve. There's a lot of oil money. Fossil fuels. You're right.

[B]

Old dinosaurs. Old dinosaur juice.

[A]

How are we dressing the cat, Steve? Is the cat on natural or formal wear? What are we thinking here, friends?

[B]

I mean.

[C]

Okay, let me jump in and hit pause on that one, because to get this cat into this photo shoot, I'm already gonna have to, like, Xanax her off her ass. So I don't know if I can push it that far as to put an outfit.

[B]

Let me. Let me recommend. I've. I've had to take cats across the country. I. There is a pharmaceutical drug that you can get from your vet called gabapentin. And you do not have to. And talk to your vet about a dosage. Tell them exactly what you're doing. Gabapentin is, I think, good because the cat will be like, cogent and not knocked out. You don't want the cat to be glazed over eyes and drooling. I worry. That's right. We'll do. So talk to. I actually do go to your vet. Do it the right way because. Because obviously, like, this isn't for your cat. Your cat's gonna hate this day. Cats hate getting in carriers. They hate leaving the house. It's traumatizing for them. So make sure whatever you do, like, you're. You're taking the cat's feelings into consideration. So do talk to a vet. I think Gavin pen is going to be the move. But also, you don't want to give too big of a dose that the cat is.

[A]

No, man, you give a gab a pen, you throw a big old beta blocker down its throat, man, that cat's gonna have a good old Friday, man. I mean, that's what I. Don't look back. Honey, just let. Let that cat go, man. It's going to have a trip and she. God. And then when you get home, it is treat central for Rory. Rory's going to get sardines, like raw sardines, not just the dried ones. The next few days, few weeks are just going to revolve around Rory. We know that. We know this.

[B]

And I think. And I think you should get rip roaring drunk afterwards and make some other mistakes online. And then you can call back and we'll have some. Something else to talk about.

[A]

Your track record's too Good friend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we don't give this advice to most. Most like steer clear of the booze. You.

[B]

No, keep.

[A]

Keep doing what you're doing and keep keeping on.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep trucking, sister. We love it. Holly, I love this. Would you do us a favor and please keep us updated with how it's going? And if you wouldn't mind, we would love to see the pictures. Okay, Absolutely. Like, you can't. You can't tease us like this and not give us the pictures. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Absolutely. So once. Once the photo. The photo shoot or photo shoot, whatever, the portrait session is in two and a half weeks, I think. And then if I'm able to get digital copy soon after that, that's what's going out for Christmas cards.

[B]

So. Hell, yeah, I'll.

[C]

I'll get whatever the. The POD mailing address is, and that'll get sent. Y', all.

[B]

This is very exciting, Holly. Oh, I love this play. And just remember, this is a character you're playing and some. And so I would say when you hang up with this call, start thinking. Thinking now. Start thinking now. And it doesn't have to be a big hurt, just a thin veil of a character.

[C]

Sure. Yes. I'll start drinking and start thinking now.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

It's Friday. That's it. That's poetry.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

As long as I get out of this without anybody, like, looking at me going, well, some dumb, drunk Muppet we let in here, I think we'll be good.

[A]

Don't you say that about our friend.

[B]

Yeah, no, yeah.

[D]

Also.

[B]

Also, like, I've been called a drunk Muppet plenty of times. It's not the worst thing in the world. I've been called a lot worse.

[A]

Well, Steve kind of is a drunk Muppet.

[F]

Are you kidding?

[B]

True.

[A]

I mean, those two Muppets up with Stadler and Waldorf just yelling down, and somehow we've been rewarded with the podcast, so.

[B]

Exactly right.

[A]

Thank you for coming in, friend.

[B]

Yeah, thanks a lot, Holly. We can't wait to hear about it. All right, go knock him dead, kid. Break a leg.

[A]

Yay.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Drunk Muppets of the world, unite. We have nothing to lose but our bar privileges.

[F]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gary Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[B]

We're Here to Help is produced by.

[A]

Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston editing, mix and mastermind by.

[E]

Chris Faller theme song by Oliver Raleigh the COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strelecki and if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[B]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two.

[C]

Video episodes will be available every Monday starting January January 20th. Go to Patreon.

[B]

Com heretohelpod.