We're Here to Help

Episode 222: Weird Here to Help: Hunk of Iron & Dinosaur Juice
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Date: October 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In this lively Halloween-adjacent episode, Jake and Gareth tackle listener questions with their signature blend of offbeat humor, paranormal theorizing, and genuine (if unorthodox) advice. Dressed in the spirit of the spooky season, the hosts chat about costumes and weird experiences before diving into two hilarious and heartfelt calls: one about surviving an “energy vampire” at a bar, and another on how to prepare for a high-stakes, formal pet portrait after a wine-fueled application.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Halloween Nostalgia & Costume Debates (01:26 – 07:40)

• Jake and Gareth reminisce about their favorite childhood Halloween costumes, setting a playful and spooky tone.
  • Jake: Jim McMahon (the “punky QB”), Frankenstein from Universal horror movies.
  • Gareth: Mad Max (“I’ve been fixated on the apocalypse my whole life”) and the challenge of separating Mel Gibson, the actor, from the character now.
• The hosts confess to loving Halloween but not being big on actually dressing up as adults, sparking laughs about half-hearted costumes and parties.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth: “When this goes down, I’m coming your way. I already have an eye patch. If you have an eye patch on, people ain’t gonna mess.” (03:51)
• Jake: “You’re always kind of dressed like Frankenstein.” (02:24)

2. Jake’s Upcoming Bigfoot Expedition (04:06 – 06:56)

• Gareth announces his Halloween plans: a three-day Bigfoot expedition in the Blue Ridge Mountains, nervous but excited about paranormal possibilities.
• The importance of sneaking edibles is discussed, with both hosts poking fun at the rules against alcohol and weed on the trip.

Memorable Moment:
Jake’s certainty that listeners knew Gareth would sneak edibles:

• “Every single listener to the show knew you were going to sneak edibles.” (05:37)

3. Celebrity Stories & Ed Begley Jr. (07:40 – 09:54)

• The hosts veer into classic Hollywood tales: Sal Mineo’s tragic end, Marlon Brando’s electric eel experiment, and Ed Begley Jr.’s extraordinary stories as the life of Jake’s recent dinner party.
• Aspiring to be like Ed Begley Jr. in their 80s: “That is the coolest dude.” (09:40)

Call #1: The Bar’s “Energy Vampire”

Caller: “Jack” from outside Boston (14:34 – 41:45)

Summary

Jack, a bartender, suspects one of his elderly regulars is a real-life energy vampire who is draining the life out of his poor “familiar” friend at the bar. After observing mysterious behaviors (deteriorating friend, an email like “energyvampire@gmail.com,” avoidance of mirrors, and sitting at the “cursed table” under a skylight/portal), Jack seeks advice: mere humor, or is he confronting a genuine psychic threat?

Key Discussion & Advice

• The Evidence:

  • The “vampire” is increasingly vibrant, social, and fashion-forward, while his companion grows feeble and pays for everything.
  • The man’s email address is literally “energyvampire@gmail.com.”
  • Strategic bar seating avoids mirrors; the table has eerie “curse” lore attached.
  • Vampire’s friend regularly nods off and is rudely snapped awake.

• Hosts’ Guidance:

  • Psychic Self-Defense: Carry a “hunk of iron” (wards off supernatural entities like the Fae), possibly sourced from a railroad tie or hardware store.
  • Classic Vampire Countermeasures: Wear or place a cross discreetly, sprinkle holy water, and avoid eye contact to prevent being “glamoured.”
  • Grounding: Walk barefoot on grass and sit under trees (grounding oneself energetically).
  • Practical Measures: If the victim is visibly unwell, enforce bar policy (“overserved”) to remove him, possibly breaking the vampire’s hold—but beware open conflict.
  • Protect Yourself First: “Put your own life s on first.” (referring to airplane safety oxygen masks)

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth: “Iron wards off the fae. It wards off all kinds… One of my big gripes with public education is they should be teaching kids to carry iron in their pocket in case of supernatural force.” (25:13)
• Jake: “You found the one pocket of the podcast world where you are gonna get some goddamn help today.” (25:28)
• Caller Jack: “I gotta ground myself too.” (39:57)
• Jake: “Negative people are like the flu. You can feel it. They’ll bring you down.” (32:12)

Plan for Jack

• Start with iron & grounding.
• Discreetly try religious (cross, holy water) approaches.
• Consider removing the victim for “overserving,” but beware possible escalation (“that’s war”).
• Regularly check back on progress: “Will you please check back with us? Because you are about to undergo a battle.” (41:21)

Call #2: The Furry Formal Portrait Predicament

Caller: Holly from Dallas, TX (43:49 – 59:27)

Summary

Holly drunkenly applied for a “fur baby” formal portrait experience with her cat, Rory, and got accepted—but can’t remember what she wrote on her application (which apparently made everyone at the studio laugh). Now she must prepare for a strict, formal (possibly AI-generated?) photo session with a cat that hates carriers, while worrying about matching the unfiltered chaos of her application.

Key Discussion & Advice

• Call Context:

  • The dress code is very formal; the studio touts “museum quality” portraits that last 200 years.
  • Holly’s application described her cat’s breed as “long hair crackhead.”
  • She wants to have fun, avoid embarrassment, and not offend the studio, all while bringing her and her cat’s best selves to the shoot.

• Hosts’ Guidance:

  • Show Up Buzzed (Responsibly): “If you study for a test high, you should take the test high, sister.” (49:49). Suggests Holly have a couple of wines before the shoot, with a friend driving.
  • Play a Character: Treat the session like acting, preparing a “thin veil” version of herself who is confident but polite, not apologetic or cowed by the fancy trappings.
  • Outfit Strategy: Embrace her preferred style—clean Ralph Lauren lines, Texas-chic boots, possibly a bolo tie or cowboy hat, whatever feels true and timeless.
  • Cat Handling Tips: Use appropriate, vet-approved sedatives like gabapentin, and don’t force uncomfortable clothes on the cat.
  • Embrace the Adventure & Follow Up: The story will make a great Christmas card—share the results with the podcast.

Notable Quotes:

• Jake: “Don’t you dare run from a bolo tie…cowboy boots, clean Ralph Lauren lines, and, day of, maybe a cowboy hat.” (54:59)
• Holly: “Under breed on the application I wrote ‘long hair crackhead.’” (49:33)
• Gareth: “Keep doing what you’re doing and keep keeping on.” (57:50)
• Jake: “Start thinking now…doesn’t have to be a big hurt, just a thin veil of a character.” (58:32)
• Jake on drunk audacity: “For you, keep drinking and taking big swings.” (49:46)

Most Memorable Moments

• Jack’s detailed account of the “energy vampire” and his uncanny, on-the-nose email address (20:50).
• The discussion on psychic self-defense: “Carry a hunk of iron in your pocket.” (25:10)
• Holly’s app content (“long hair crackhead”) and her approach to the unlikely honor of a $1,500 pet portrait (49:33).
• Jake and Gareth’s nonjudgmental (and occasionally supernatural) support for their listeners’ oddest situations.

Segment Timestamps

• Halloween Costume Nostalgia: 01:26 – 07:40
• Bigfoot Expedition: 04:06 – 06:56
• Hollywood Stories / Ed Begley Jr.: 07:40 – 09:54
• Call 1, Jack: Energy Vampire at the Bar: 14:34 – 41:45
  • “Energy vampire” reveal and details: 16:08 – 19:45
  • Mirror, glamour, iron defense: 24:26 – 31:01
  • Bar lore, cursed table, next steps: 36:46 – 41:45
• Call 2, Holly: Cat Portrait Chaos: 43:49 – 59:27
  • Dress code, application confusion: 47:33 – 52:27
  • Outfit/cat handling strategy: 54:59 – 57:50

Tone & Takeaways

True to form, Jake and Gareth approach every problem—even those that tip into the supernatural—with a cocktail of empathy, irreverence, and real-life experience in bars, acting, and general human awkwardness. Whether arming listeners with hunks of iron for psychic self-defense or the confidence to turn drunken chaos into a $1,500 portrait, they create a safe, hilarious place for the delightfully weird.

To call in with your own question, email helpfulpod@gmail.com.
And if you’re Holly or Jack—don’t forget to update on your paranormal and portraiture adventures!