224: Once You Pop & Trackin' Turkeys (with Elyse Myers)

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help — Episode 224: "Once You Pop & Trackin' Turkeys" (with Elyse Myers)

Release Date: October 29, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Elyse Myers

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Overview

In this lively and laughter-filled episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds welcome internet storyteller Elyse Myers for a double-helping of candid conversations and hilarious caller advice. The show explores the pressures and pitfalls of digital fame, the blurred boundaries between creator and audience, and the peculiarities of everyday life — including obsessive habits (an epic in-bed popcorn addiction) and a postal worker’s ongoing war with wild turkeys. The trio combine warmth, empathy, and comedic wit to problem-solve with their signature “tipsy-uncle-energy,” never taking themselves too seriously but always rooting for their listeners.

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Main Segments & Key Discussion Points

1. Elyse Myers: Creative Journey, Vulnerability, and Digital Boundaries

[00:24–13:08]

• Elyse’s Book & Creative Evolution
  • Myers discusses her new book, That's a great question. I'd love to tell you, a collection of short stories, poems, and illustrations rooted in her life and viral storytelling style ([00:27]).
  • On discovering her talent: “I’ve been writing since I was like 11… I didn’t realize it was a gift or that people would want to read it.” ([00:43], Elyse)
  • The shift towards vulnerability online: She began sharing more serious, raw stories which resonated deeply with her audience.
• Going Viral & Comparisons to Jake
  • Elyse reveals her followers often compare her comedic style to Jake Johnson — “You're like the female Jake Johnson” — referencing her viral Nick Miller parody song ([03:13], Elyse).
  • Jake responds in deadpan: “I thought I hated your stuff, but you’re definitely middle.” ([01:32], Jake)
• Challenges of Fame, Parasocial Dynamics, and Safety
  • Myers talks about the hyper-intimate connection social media can foster, leading to blurred boundaries and even dangerous situations: “I had to move…I got stalked. People found the address. I had to get a new car. Someone ran me off the road.” ([08:18], Elyse)
  • She distinguishes between traditional celebrities and online creators: “It’s very, very parasocial. They know everything about me, but I don’t know them.” ([09:03], Elyse)
  • On setting boundaries: Refuses to share her kids or family online to keep a sphere of her life sacred ([12:25], Elyse).

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2. Caller 1: “Once You Pop…” — The Popcorn-Obsessed Husband

[15:12–37:53]

Caller: Whitney, 35, Gulf Coast, FL
Main Issue: Husband obsessively eats homemade popcorn nightly — in bed — leaving behind bowls, stains, and a “trail” of kernels throughout the house.

Key Details:

• He's not just munching — he brings his own popcorn gear on vacation and will run out at 9:30 pm to restock if they’re out.
• It’s a nightly, multi-batch ritual, leaving mess and popcorn-related injuries (“He leaves a trail… I wake up to salt in the bed… He has popcorn injuries on his hands” — [16:48], Whitney).

Underlying Factors:

• The behavior began after his recovery from brain cancer and during dialysis for kidney failure ([20:37]).
• Whitney admits: “I feel forced to eat it because it's right beside me… I just stopped buying it, but he'll go out in the middle of the night.” ([19:40])

The Advice Segment

• The group debates the real issue: The popcorn itself, the mess, the nocturnal timing, or its symbolism as a coping ritual.
  • “This call is about a man who makes popcorn every night in the middle of the night. Like a drug addict.” ([18:15], Jake)
• Elyse on Rituals & Compromise:
  • “If someone tried to rip my nightly ritual away from me after my kids go to bed, I would die.” ([28:30], Elyse)
  • Suggests carving out physical and temporal boundaries rather than full cessation.
• The “Popcorn Throne” Solution:
  • Create a “popcorn throne” (a dedicated seat in a new media room) where the ritual can unfold without impacting the whole house ([29:12], Elyse).
  • Light, playful punishments if he breaks the boundary (“You lose popcorn for three days” — [30:54], Jake).
• Gift, Not Punishment:
  • Frame the popcorn room as an upgrade, not a penalty: “You’re just giving him Vegas, and he goes to Vegas when he wants to gamble.” ([36:26], Gareth)
  • Soundproof the room, install specialized air purifiers, and use washable, butter-proof materials ([34:55], Elyse).
• Notable Quotes:
  • “He is a popcorn connoisseur. He will judge the kind of popcorn. He has to have a specific salt, a specific butter.” ([24:04], Whitney)
  • “This problem is confusing… It’s not a bad habit, that’s why it’s confusing.” ([31:35], Jake)
• Caller’s Next Steps: Whitney agrees to try the “popcorn throne/media room” strategy, promising to update the show in the future.

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3. Caller 2: “Trackin’ Turkeys” — The Postal Worker’s Poultry Predicament

[38:01–55:04]

Caller: Alyssa, 34, Boise, ID
Main Issue: Wild turkeys attack her as she delivers mail along her new walking route; wants to deter them, but not harm them.

Key Details:

• “I get attacked by turkeys… There was a lockdown baby boom, even among the turkeys!” ([39:39], Alyssa)
• Attempts with conventional deterrents (air horn, dog spray) have backfired; the turkeys are both organized and persistent: “They know where I park my truck… I tried everything and they just came at me.” ([42:49], Alyssa)

Advice & Brainstorming

• Comedic Solutions:
  • Jake jokes about “dressing as a Thanksgiving chef” or “wearing armor” to scare turkeys ([43:19], Jake).
  • Gareth suggests intimidation: “I would try to out-turkey them!” and demonstrates turkey vocalizations ([47:37], Gareth).
• Practical Ideas:
  • Water guns (“Super Soakers”): “If you got one of those super soakers…and the turkey had an idea, you know, all you got to do is bite one, the rest…they’re not interested!” ([49:19], Jake)
  • High boots or “wellies” for leg protection.
  • Using social media for civic pressure: Film yourself using water guns on turkeys and post it online to “bully the city” into action. Elyse promises: “You make the video; I’ll duet it on my own channel.” ([51:11], Elyse)
• Notable Quotes:
  • “This is a very interesting question. The question is, you’re a male lady and you get attacked by wild turkeys… How do we get the wild turkeys to stop attacking you?” ([44:46], Jake)
• Coordinated Social Push: The team plots a strategic viral campaign (timed with the episode’s October airdate and Thanksgiving) to spur municipal action.

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Memorable & Funny Moments

• Popcorn Addiction as a Coping Ritual:
  • The hosts simultaneously tease Whitney’s husband and empathize with his need for post-trauma comfort:
  • “Like a drug addict… The kids go to bed and once he has that pop, now he can relax.” ([18:21], Jake)
• “Popcorn Throne” Brainstorm:
  • The panel riffs on a maximalist popcorn chair — “It’s like a breastfeeding chair, but for popcorn!” ([29:36], Elise)
  • “Give him Vegas!” ([36:26], Gareth)
• Turkey Tactics and Sound Effects:
  • Gareth’s wild turkey calls and Jake’s improv musings about animal hierarchies and predator urine ([47:37], [46:04]).
• Meta-Commentary on Parasocial Relationships:
  • “People just forget… I have to step back and go, I’m Elise. And they realize: I’ve never met this person.” ([09:03], Elyse)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:24–13:08] — Elyse Myers: Creative beginnings, online fame, and boundaries
• [15:12–37:53] — Whitney’s “popcorn” dilemma: advice, laughter, and the “popcorn throne” solution
• [38:01–55:04] — Alyssa’s “turkey attacks”: comic relief, practical animal control, coordinated social strategy
• [52:35–53:17] — Elyse’s viral video advice and plan for social impact

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Notable Quotes

• Elyse Myers [00:43]:
  “I've been writing since I was like 11… I started sharing, sharing stuff online…more serious, tonally, and people are like, oh, wow, that's actually really good.”
• Jake Johnson [18:15]:
  “This call is about a man who makes popcorn every single night in the middle of the night. Like a drug addict.”
• Gareth Reynolds [36:26]:
  "You’re just giving him Vegas, and he just goes to Vegas when he wants to gamble."
• Whitney [16:48]:
  “I wake up to salt in the bed. It’s everywhere. He also has popcorn related injuries on his hands.”
• Alyssa [39:39]:
  "The only problem is that I get attacked by turkeys."
• Jake Johnson [47:19]:
  "What is the natural predator of the turkey? Is it a coyote?"

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Tone & Style

The episode is marked by quick wit, self-deprecation, and a genuine care for the callers, balancing absurdity with heartfelt problem-solving. Jake and Gareth riff irreverently, while Elyse brings warmth and candor — especially on the double-edged sword of internet fame.

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode spotlights the show's format: friends riffing and rooting for their listeners. Expect equal parts goofy improvisation and practical brainstorming as the hosts and guest tackle problems big and small—from obsessive popcorn snacking to unrelenting turkey gangs. The unique blend of genuine advice, vulnerability, and absurd comedy makes this episode especially engaging and memorable.

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Episode Highlights

• Elyse Myers’ insights on authenticity and setting boundaries online.
• The “popcorn throne” solution—playful, creative advice with real-world application.
• Boise’s turkey crisis—a civic challenge elevated into a viral action plan.

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For episode follow-ups or to submit your own questions, email [e-mail].

“Give him Vegas!” — [36:26], Gareth Reynolds

Transcript

[Elise Myers]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Elise, what's the. What's the book you wrote?

[Elise Myers]

It's called. That's a great question. I'd love to tell you. And it's. It's like short stories and poems and cool illustrations and just fun little things about my life that are fun to read.

[Jake Johnson]

Fun. What sparked the desire to write a book?

[Elise Myers]

I've been writing since I was like 11, and so I wrote a lot of music as a kid and wrote books like in my. Just journals and notebooks and things like that. And then when I got older, I think. I think because it's something I've done my whole life, I didn't realize it was a gift or that people would want to read it because you're just so used to doing it. And then I started sharing, sharing stuff online because usually a lot of my stuff was a lot funnier. And then I started sharing more. Not like sad, but like more serious, tonally stuff. And people are like, oh, wow, that's actually really good. You know, and someone's like, that's actually really good. Like, oh, thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you go like, how was this stuff before?

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So have you hated everything up until now or just.

[Jake Johnson]

Dude, that was actually good what you did. I've been doing this for 12 years, so.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. Yeah. You don't actually suck that bad. Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought I hated your stuff, but you're definitely middle.

[Elise Myers]

That's like, people like, you're not. You're actually pretty. Like, people do that too. I don't look like I just woke up out of bed. They're like, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't look terrible.

[Elise Myers]

Hey, thanks. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

The worst is when you shower and they go, what's different?

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. Or he slept.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you slept a little bit.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. And you're like, well, thank you. I took care of myself. The bare minimum. I did the bare minimum today.

[Jake Johnson]

I literally combed some of my hairs.

[Elise Myers]

Just some of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The showering and is a big one, Jake, because that feels very specific to you.

[Elise Myers]

No, I mean, that's me too. Thanks. I showered.

[Jake Johnson]

And your thing is. So you started up. Where'd you come out of? What was your journey?

[Elise Myers]

I started making, like, content on the Internet. I was a storyteller and I would write and perform these stories, but I would also animate them because I'm an animator and an editor. And so the perfect combo of telling a story but then being engaging while you're doing it and then having on screen visuals, like playing around with my face and the text and stuff was people just enjoyed that. And so I was doing it right after I had my son, and I was like, postpartum, and I was like, who am I? You know? Like, what do I like anymore? And so I started telling stories about my life, and people just really loved it. And then I posted a video of a really bad date, and people really loved that. And then from there, it kind of just snowballed into making content and doing more, like, skit stuff and actually, Jake, I get constantly. I don't know if anyone's told you this. I get constantly compared to you. People are like, you're like the female, like Jake Johnson.

[Jake Johnson]

No way.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, I made a video. I wrote a parody song. Nick Miller. Nick Miller from the streets of Chicago. And I, like, did, like, a whole acapella song of it. And everyone was like, this is the best.

[Jake Johnson]

I actually think I have seen it. That thing went very viral.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, you. I every. So now everyone's like, you are the female Jake Johnson.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm like, well, this. Now, the big difference is you were pretty. Pretty good at your it.

[Elise Myers]

Well, you know, when you started.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but when you started with the. Your mic wasn't working. I've had that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, well, hold on, though. I'll jump in quickly. Jake, what was the. The day that your mic wasn't working? What was the problem?

[Jake Johnson]

I had accidentally muted it, and it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Took a half hour for Jake to finally hit the unmute button.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I did. Gareth is a man who's created a lot of podcasts, and I've been on most of them, but I remember one of them we did during the pandemic. He was really mad at me because I wasn't recording properly, and then I didn'. Have headphones, and I was like, man, let's just chat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Elise Myers]

Learning curve with podcasts, though, it's like, there's so much you don't know until.

[Jake Johnson]

And there's so many rules, and if you don't do. I didn't do podcasts at all until Gareth. I wasn't interested. So he'd be like, just come on, do this one. I'm like, what is this? He's like, it's me and my mom in a closet, and I do stand up, and I was like, just fine. What. What would you like me to do on it? And then I get out, and I'm like, all right, buddy, I'm here. And he's like, this audio is terrible. I'm like, I'm not an engineer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, the.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake Would never be like, let's figure this out. He'd be like, yeah, it's kind of all or nothing right now. So how do you want to hand? You'd be, all right, let's.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go then. Let's not do it. I'll call you. Let's text later.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, can I play the shirt in the closet? Can I be silent and just be the shirt? Because I'm really good at that. I can do that really well. Yeah, but.

[Jake Johnson]

So you kind of hit the perfect storm because you were writing stuff, you were editing, you were doing everything. So when the, you know, this social media explosion happened, you were like, oh, this is right in my wheelhouse. It hit everything for you.

[Elise Myers]

Well, I didn't mean for it to. I was a web developer, so I was like, writing code and building websites at the time, and this happened. And so I switched over and it was like, it just. Yeah, it's something that kind of hits every single box, and no one has to tell me what to do. I get to create whatever I want. Everyone usually niches down, and I'm like, why the fuck would you do that? Like, just make whatever, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree with that 100%.

[Elise Myers]

And so it's really fun because no one ever knows what they're gonna get. Like, I'm gonna write and read, like, a serious poem, and the next day I'm making a video on, like, if. If punctuation had personality, like, what each of them would say to each other. So.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I think that the nice this era in this format, as opposed to TV and movies, is there's no bosses.

[Elise Myers]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So what?

[Elise Myers]

I like anyone's permission.

[Jake Johnson]

And it also. It matters, but it doesn't matter. It's what I like about this podcast. We're able to change format. Do we want. We're able to get emails from the audience where they're mad at us, and then if we want, we can just change the show. Yeah, and then we got an email today. Yeah, we got an email today, Gareth, from a woman who was mad at us for taking people's advice. She was like, you guys, we're fans. Just do your show. And then midway through, she goes, but what I will say. And then she gave advice.

[Elise Myers]

Thanks so much sharing for your feedback. I will be implementing this in the next show. I'm like, I really appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like, I had another guy who wrote in yesterday, and he wrote. Or two days ago, he wrote, hey, just listen to episode 11. And you were so judgmental of the caller. You have lost a listener. So I wrote back and I went like, that's okay, man. What inspired you to write this email? I didn't expect hear from you. All right, I'll keep listening. And I was like, you're listening to a podcast and you got mad and you go like, hold on, helpful pot of Gmail. I'm like, what is that instinct, what.

[Elise Myers]

About me Impression that this is a helpful email for me. I want to know what you're hearing and I need to fix that because I don't want to be giving that impression on the Internet.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, agreed. So you're writing a book? You're doing standup too?

[Elise Myers]

No, I.

[Jake Johnson]

Everything is just. Yeah. So everything is at all. Yours is just comedy that you're creating and putting out.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. Home Alone. I have a guy, so this is my studio. So we have a house that I use as like a studio. So each room is for different things.

[Jake Johnson]

You're kidding. You have a pot. You have a Bert Kreischer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Kreischer house.

[Elise Myers]

What is that?

[Jake Johnson]

Bert Gareth. What's the Kreischer house?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We went and did Bert Kreischer, comedian. We went and did his cooking show together when we first launched the show. And the house is pure and beautiful. House, purely for production, sort of to what you're saying. There's a team of people, they're editing, there's rooms for different things. And we just couldn't get over the fact that it was a home entirely devoted to content.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't want to knock on the door because I knew he had kids and I didn't want to interrupt his family.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Then I just went in and they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Were like two hayseeds. Like, sorry, we're bothering.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So should we go in the kitchen? They're like, this is the second kitchen. We built this kitchen for production.

[Elise Myers]

I'm like, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Some multi million dollar home in the valley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It looked like there was like a room of storm chasers, like everyone at computers and we just like, oh, my God.

[Elise Myers]

No, I mean, there's nothing like that here. This is like actually just me. But it. Yeah, every. Every room. We. This was our house that we lived in with my family. And then we got. I got stalked on the Internet. People found the address. I had to move. Dude, it's a. I had to get a new car. Someone ran me off the road.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, what?

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, it's. It got really wild there for a bit. It's. It's. I think there's no. It's very interesting the way that people relate to me versus, like, to say a celebrity sounds like I'm calling myself a celebrity. But, I mean, people that are, like, known by people on the Internet or in movies, whatever is like, I record in at home with normal thing. Like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah. So they feel like they know you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a parasocial.

[Elise Myers]

Very parasocial. And so it's not like a. I totally hear you. An actor that's like.

[Jake Johnson]

It's totally different.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. And so people just forget, like, I. My number one line when people are coming up to me and I. People are so kind, but sometimes they'll just assume too much. I'll, like, step back and put my hand out and go, I'm Elise. And, like, they realize, like, weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh.

[Elise Myers]

Like, I've never met this person. And I. And they know everything about me, but I don't know them. Some of the stories in the book, they're, like, literal entries from my diary at, like, 10 years.

[Jake Johnson]

See, this is what it is. This is interesting. Yeah.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. And so. So people. I mean, I. I've created that level of intimacy because I. That is how I am with everyone in my personal life. Like, I. I have no. I mean, if I think you're not a boundaries lady. No. And I w. But, like, I just have no filter. And so if I feel something, I'm going to say it. And it can be highly offensive to people, but I'm like, that's okay. Like, you'll get. You'll be okay. But in the flip side of that, it's also. It creates this intense, immediate connection with people where you're like, I think this is going to be my best friend forever. So when I don't break that down and I don't get to get rid of that and I share that on the Internet, that then is. I'm like, bond totally in that way. And so then when they come up and they find my address, they are like, not. They're just putting stuff in my mailbox without sending it or, like, leaving it on my doorstep.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Elise Myers]

Waiting for me in the driveway.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Very different. So I think that the thing that's so different, and this is also an age and a generation thing coming up, is because people will relate to a character of mine and think it's real. And then on something even like this on the podcast, you're just playing a heightened version.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, like, if my kids or wife listen to this podcast, they would be like, what are you doing? Why are you talking about. Why are you talking about gorillas that much And I'm like, well, it works for this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're having fun.

[Jake Johnson]

Because they're bit. It's like, why do you care about Gar. His hair so much? And I'm like, it's just fodder.

[Elise Myers]

It's just come into it.

[Jake Johnson]

We're doing this. But we came up from a generation that was always project based. And who you really were didn't matter. There was a huge shift. Like, I don't care about who musicians are in real life. And then around 2020, they'll be like, well, they're a bad person. And I'd be like, I mean, I. I hear it.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I hear what you're saying, but I don't really care. And then the world changed. That it was about, like, who the person is. And I think it's part of what you' through where you're like. Because people are like, this is my stuff and this is me.

[Elise Myers]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And my generation. It's so. But Gareth, you're in between now because you've done. Because standup is in between.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but it's still very clearly performative. It's true, actually. Personal, but it's also very performative. I think there's something just more vulnerable about the level of content engagement and vulnerability and doing something like what you're doing.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is even. Even in pod. Like, I don't really put out a lot of personal stuff. Sometimes you are talking. I mean, like, this show, like, people know us, but we're taking calls. But there is something different. Different when people genuinely are like, you are this person.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But also your guys. The. The same thing about it is there are also so much. People are live streaming stuff in their. They're. Yeah. Allowing so much access.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a lot of pressure.

[Jake Johnson]

That is insane.

[Elise Myers]

Well, that's why. That's why having this house is so important for me and my family. Because I don't. I don't share my kids on the Internet.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, yeah.

[Elise Myers]

I keep, like, my family life very so different.

[Jake Johnson]

And it has nothing to do with this.

[Elise Myers]

Nothing. And so, like, I have a totally separate place. I don't want anyone to see anything of my home life because, like, I share everything of myself on the Internet that's mine to share. But when it comes to my favorite people, it's like, so sacred to me. It's like a holy. Like, I just want this to myself. So that's why it's so important for me to have this extra space. Because you can get anything of me here. Any. Any room.

[Jake Johnson]

Because this Is the game.

[Elise Myers]

This is. Yeah. This is the job.

[Jake Johnson]

This is what the thing like. I couldn't agree more. When we're doing this show, there is an hour of recording.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So you're willing to share Blank. It's not the whole thing. It can't be. It's a different thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the book is called. That's a great question. I'd love to tell you. And yes, everybody, for joining us.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Elise Myers]

Yes. Do you want to do it without further ado, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. Oh, yes. Thank you, Natalie.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that was it. Let's just use hers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My line.

[Elise Myers]

In My line. My line.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. How are you?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I am doing great. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great, thank you. Well, welcome to the show. We have a great guest joining us today. You have Jake, you have myself, and we also have Elise Myers.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The author of that's a great Question. I'd love to tell you and many other projects joining us. So can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, please?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yes, I am Whitney And I am 35 from Gulf Coast, Florida.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Whitney, 35 from the Gulf Coast.

[Elise Myers]

Is it swampy there right now?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Pretty hot.

[Elise Myers]

Yogurt.

[Jake Johnson]

Human yogurt.

[Elise Myers]

The Air is yogurt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Air is Yogurt is the new book I'm writing.

[Elise Myers]

It's all around me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whitney, what's going on? What can we help you with?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Okay, so I didn't know who else to call. You guys were the best ones. My husband, for the last year and a half, pretty much year and a half, has been having every single night, multiple times a night. Popcorn. Not microwave popcorn. Like just basic happy snack. I'm talking kernels. Make it yourself. Butter salt. Three to four times.

[Jake Johnson]

No, this is weird.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

In bed.

[Jake Johnson]

In bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, oh. Is the best. The dream in bed.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah, it gets worse.

[Elise Myers]

He's making it in bed or eating it in bed?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

No, he's eating. No, he doesn't have that skill. It's probably coming, but not yet. Yeah. So it's not just like at our house too. If we go on vacation, he'll bring the equipment with him.

[Elise Myers]

Yes, he will.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

And it's like now it's also progressed to like during working hours when he's working from home and we have like a toddler and I don't want him having popcorn. And it's like on the floor. Like he leaves a trail like, you know where he's been. And we just moved into a new house. I don't want it smelling like the damn AMC movie theater in here. And I don't want my sheets stained. I wake up to salt in the bed. I wake up to it everywhere. He also has popcorn related injuries on his hands from doing it so much. It's expensive and it's just obsessive. So my question is like, like, how can we get out of this? And I'm even willing to compromise because I'm a great wife one day a week. Like just. Just on the weekends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, you know, you are. This man's addicted. And you're like, he can have it once a week.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, hold on.

[Elise Myers]

So can I ask a question?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, please.

[Elise Myers]

Is the issue that he likes popcorn or that it's making a mess?

[Jake Johnson]

It's the middle of the night too, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The bed eating.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah. So I'll be wanting to go to sleep and I'm like, like it's right beside me, chomp, chomp, chomp. And then, then he leaves the bowl by the bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eating a bed in general is.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, hold on, guys. Let's not. There's too many things. So I'll tell you what, this call is not about eating near a bed. A like of popcorn. A mess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you saying there's subtext?

[Jake Johnson]

No, this call is about a man who makes popcorn every single night in the middle of the night. Like a drug addict. Look, if he's eating popcorn at 5pm in the Living room, this isn't a call. Yeah, I do, like, imagine your partner at 2am being like. And you being like, hey, the. Is going on with you?

[Elise Myers]

Is it really the middle of the night?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

So it'll start when our kids go to bed. Like as soon as the kids go down, he's. It's. I'm talking instant. Like, let's go.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

And then after my shower, I come out. I'm all clean. The air smells like popcorn. I could. I could smell it in the shower. And then it will continue until about. I'd say from like 9 to midnight.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus Christ.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Sometimes 1am it just depends on the day.

[Jake Johnson]

Whitney, does the popcorn making ever wake you up?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

There's been times where I'm exhausted and I had like a colonoscopy the next day and I was starving. Would you please not.

[Jake Johnson]

Whitney, make that singular?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Once a week, you said.

[Jake Johnson]

There have been times I thought a colonoscopy. I think there's been a time.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

True, true, true, true.

[Elise Myers]

I got one time so frequent.

[Jake Johnson]

Once a week, I'm going to get one. It's like, that's on you, dear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's her popcorn.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Is this because you had a colonoscopy and you really wanted some popcorn? Is that what this is all about? Because I get hungry too, dude.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I feel forced to eat it. I feel forced to eat it because it's right beside me and I'm just like, this is my life. And it used to be popcorn and peaches, but he admitted the peaches and the peaches smelled like BO And I was like, I just stopped buying it. And I stopped buying the popcorn too. But he will go out in the middle of the night if we have none. Like, the kids will go to bed and he'll be like, hey, I'm out of popcorn. I gotta. I gotta go up to the store real quick. I'll be back. I'm like, it's 9:30. Just. Can you skip it? You're like, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, yeah, go ahead. No, go ahead, Elise.

[Elise Myers]

Okay, this is gonna be a question that is not meant to be offensive. It's like, it's. I'm asking it from somebody. I'm autistic and I have special interests in things and I cannot let go of them. And I'm hyper obsessive. Is there any. Anything like that happening here. And is there a way that you can meet in the middle?

[Jake Johnson]

That's interesting.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

That's a very good question. So I was gonna get a little dark, but it's important information, I think for the story.

[Elise Myers]

Great.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

This started after his recovery from brain cancer. So he had let the man eat the popcorn. He's also on dialysis right now for kidney failure. But he guys don't have kidney.

[Jake Johnson]

You're having pity, Whitney. We're having pity.

[Elise Myers]

I have a little pity.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I have a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

Me a lot of pity dialysis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No wonder he's eating popcorn laying down.

[Jake Johnson]

What are we talking about here?

[Elise Myers]

I feel like we need to find a way to like take the stress off of you, but still let him have his popcorn.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

It's just a habit.

[Jake Johnson]

This is going sideways on you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel like he should be calling us side.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

That's the rule.

[Jake Johnson]

She's right. The premise of this show is we are always on the. On the side of the caller, even if you sometimes flip. But as of right now, we have not been given enough information, in my opinion, to flip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, we've. There's a lot going on. The husband's side of the scale though. What I really like the cancer dialysis.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not wrong, Gareth. But I really like what Whitney said is you're not allowed to flip. Now she knows you can't and so I know the rules. Yeah, you're right. And okay, you're tough, Whitney, and I respect the hell out of it. What is it that we could specifically help you with?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I just want it to cut down some so it's not as much. Or move it out of the bedroom. Like either one of those things would be a victory.

[Elise Myers]

And an air purifier for me. You should get an air purifier.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Oh, I have five. I have five.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Okay, so it's not a gift. Kidding.

[Jake Johnson]

So he. You're looking for no popcorn in the bedroom. Non. What if I got a question for you. What if it was he didn't make it himself? What if we figured out a way to get you like a ten pound, you know those like boxes, those like. Yeah, a huge thing where it's right next to the living. Right next to the couch in the living room. Remember they used to have this when I was a kid, but on like holidays. Yeah, the uncle who didn't know what to get into just got people like cheddar caramel and regular popcorn.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

We can't. That's not healthy. This was. And this is Gonna sound also bad. This is my fault, guys. This is the truth. When he was out of recovery, he didn't have an appetite. So I thought, what's a healthy snack? And I'm not gonna give him microwave popcorn. That's carcinogens and bad for people with cancer. So I was like, let's do it the right way. And I introduced him to the popcorn maker. So I don't want him to do unhealthy snacks, alternatives. I just want it to just be left because it's. It is a good snack, I guess.

[Elise Myers]

I mean, you know, it's popcorns that are like, healthy as well. Like, literally. The Jonas Brothers have popcorn that's very good. Very healthy. We could gross them up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gross, gross, gross.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Oh, that's very random. Brothers.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but okay, but gross. Oh, and I'll tell you why I think gross. Oh, I'll tell you why I think gross. Why wonderful musicians, great dancers into fashion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

What's their expertise on popcorn? Well, they.

[Elise Myers]

So that's the whole story. It's a very cool story. But what's the story?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm curious.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

He's a connoisseur, though. He will judge.

[Jake Johnson]

What'd you say?

[Elise Myers]

He'll judge. Your husband will judge the kind of the popcorn. Cause he's a connoisseurs. Were.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

He is very picky with his popcorn. He has to have a specific salt, a specific butter.

[Elise Myers]

Well, there you go. This is an art. Yeah. And he very sounds very good at it.

[Jake Johnson]

He doesn't want Nick Jonas's popcorn.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Probably not. I'm sorry, Jonas.

[Elise Myers]

Jonas Brothers. I was joking. That never happened.

[Jake Johnson]

And so you're a no on the ad of finding. So is it the sounds of making the popcorn? Is it the amount of popcorn she's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, this. She's just. It's. It's. At this point.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I'll die with this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She hates popcorn. She hates popcorn. He loves popcorn.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

It's ruined it for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's beyond that.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

It's like cremated one day and he's going to pop in the machine because it's just. It's so much consumed in his body is Whitney.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think, first of all, we should compliment you for your full candor and honesty because it would be very easy to hide some of these facts that make your husband the super sympathetic character in this story.

[Jake Johnson]

Agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, there's a lot he's got going for him as far as why he.

[Jake Johnson]

Fine. Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okie dokie, okie doie. But it sounds like a lot to me. I. It sounds like if we could get it out of the bedroom and we can maybe tone down the volume a little bit.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yes, volume.

[Jake Johnson]

What about. Okay, let's start pitching on this one. Because this is a hard one, Whitney. This feels like a very clear. Let the man eat popcorn. But you are right. That's not the premise of our show. And we're not going down that road. So what about a popcorn schedule?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Okay. Okay, that could work.

[Jake Johnson]

What about. He's allowed, in your opinion, certain amount of popcorns a day or a week. He can use them any way he wants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Elise Myers]

I feel like it has to be daily. I don't think that we can take away. I think this is like a daily ritual for him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But what if we gave him.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like a glass of wine.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really go to bed.

[Jake Johnson]

You need your thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It does sound a lot like an alcoholic. Like it really does. Like, he is out of control with popcorn.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but he. But it's like his ritual. The kids go to bed and once he has that pop, now he can relax.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Once he left, he can't stop but.

[Elise Myers]

Like cutting it off, like having a time, like having a place. He can make it. It's separate from you. It's not in the room. It's not going to one.

[Jake Johnson]

What if we get audio of a popper and he just hears it? You know, I'll tell you what. Here's what I'm thinking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sound therapy.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell. Yes. Sound death. I'll tell you what I'm thinking is when I have. In my younger years, when I used to be a way bigger pot smoker. Smoker. When I needed to stop for memorization, I would be home and I would look at all these lines and I'd be like, all I want to do is have like one beautiful hit of this weed. But then I'm kind of. So I would just smell it.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Damon Wayne's Jr. Did a thing. When I first got on New Girl, they told me I was too fat for television. I had to lose weight. And they said I was one of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best notes possible.

[Jake Johnson]

Obviously too fat for Fox. I had to lose £15.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

That.

[Jake Johnson]

And so I was like, I don't even know how to do this. I'm not a diet machine. I'm an animal. And Damon. And Damon Waynes Jr. Told me something that he does where smells the food, smells the food and takes one bite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've heard of people doing this then spitting it out.

[Jake Johnson]

And no, he eats the bite.

[Elise Myers]

Different, but different.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Different problem.

[Jake Johnson]

But but he'll go like we were at craft service, and it'd be like a hot dog dog. And he'd be like, that looks good, right? And I'll be like, yeah, but I can't eat it. I'm too fat for fox. And he would take one bite and throw the rest out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, Jake, I think we have your book title whenever you're ready. Pretty solid.

[Jake Johnson]

Too fat for foxes. But, Whitney, what about something like that where we're creating the sounds and the smells? Well, but we're weaning them off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I also do like the idea.

[Elise Myers]

I hate it so much.

[Jake Johnson]

She hates it, at least. What are you thinking?

[Elise Myers]

I just. If someone tried to rip my nightly ritual after my kids go to bed away from me.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Elise Myers]

I literally. I would die. I think if I like, it's. For me, it's like a bath. It's a glass of wine, and it's like a little bowl of chocolate chips and cocoa almonds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You almost said cocaine.

[Elise Myers]

Almost. But that's not it. Unfortunately, that's not it. And if someone tried to take that from me, I think I would. I would cry. I'd be rude. Really deeply unhappy.

[Jake Johnson]

A bath chocolate almond.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What if you were drinking that and eating that in bed?

[Elise Myers]

No, that's what I'm saying. Don't. I'm. I'm saying find a way to. To not make it so intrusive in your life and in your space and in. In like Popcorn throne. Popcorn throne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The way you said that, like, we all know the term.

[Elise Myers]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Popcorn throne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eat it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, you could.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

How can I get this on Amazon?

[Elise Myers]

You make it.

[Jake Johnson]

You gotta make it.

[Elise Myers]

He. He decides it. It's his place.

[Jake Johnson]

He has besides it. But there's like a certain seat. It's right in front of the tv. You put like everything. He likes popcorn. You create a perfect popcorn table.

[Elise Myers]

It's like a breastfeeding chair, but instead.

[Jake Johnson]

It'S a breastfeeding chair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I also think we hook cups up to his chest. I think it all works.

[Elise Myers]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We. We create a popcorn throne. And if he's not in it, you go, hey, King, get in your throne.

[Elise Myers]

Get your throne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was gonna go. I was gonna say a little room. Like if there's a closet or something where we can make it as little shame Popcor. But popcorn throne almost is.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

This might work rewarding him because we have. We just moved into a new house and our office, we're converting it to like an office media room.

[Jake Johnson]

Nice. This is a perfect place for the throne.

[Elise Myers]

Sounds like.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

What if it's like a movie theater room?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And what if it's a movie theater type seat?

[Elise Myers]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Because if you're not.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

If you take movies maker in there.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whole thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Elise Myers]

Yes. As soon as you wipe down, it's like pleather or something. You can, like, the butter gets on it, but he can't eat it anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you put us like leather. You put a playful sign up there that says popcorn's not allowed to leave the theater.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Popcorn and candy.

[Elise Myers]

Above the door.

[Jake Johnson]

Above the door.

[Elise Myers]

And then like a circle, like a slash.

[Jake Johnson]

Popcorn and soda can't leave the theater. And then when he leaves, he goes, did you see the sign?

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then it'll take them a couple of days, but then that'll be part of the ring ritual.

[Elise Myers]

What's the punishment?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You lose popcorn for three days, by the way. I like that you have punishments three days. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't.

[Elise Myers]

You can't learn three days.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Okay. I think gonna take me a little bit to do it, but I think it's worth it. He is lazy, you know, I don't want to say lazy. I don't want to be me.

[Jake Johnson]

Makes popcorn everywhere.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

He wants to relax in bed with me. My fear of this, the only caveat that I could think of being a problem is that's our only time together. So do I hang out with him in the popcorn room?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Whitney, come on a little bit.

[Elise Myers]

Little Whitney, Come on, come on, come on.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

About him. It's just about him, I guess.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not making him quit eating popcorn. It's not a bad habit.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

No, it's not a bad habit. That's why this problem's confusing.

[Jake Johnson]

Agree. But what we can do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that she just became. She became a guest on the show. I mean, you just were talking about yourself like you weren't the person calling in.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, you were, like, asking for advice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what's so vexing about this issue that Whitney called in with.

[Elise Myers]

It's not.

[Jake Johnson]

So. I think it's this. If you want to break from popcorn that night, you stay in the bedroom. And then he's got a. He's got a choice to make. Yes, you want to eat your popcorn in the throne or you want to be with your lovely wife, because the popcorn does not leave the theater. We all know that. You don't walk out of a movie theater with a big box of popcorn. It's a insane. He does well, but we're saying we don't anymore.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Normal people.

[Elise Myers]

Go ahead I also. You can. I'm raising my hand as if she can see me. You can. So me and my husband have nights where, like, we have a guest room. And he's like, take tonight. And it's like a. We act like it's like a hotel spa kind of thing. So I have two nights a week where I go and I know, like, I'm sleeping alone. I have Galaxy Light. I can get high. I can watch a movie. It's amazing. So he knows, like, Wednesday night and Saturday night, Elise is in the guest room. But every other night, we have, like, date night nights at. It's just in the bedroom, like, watching TV and stuff together. And so. But he knows that no matter what, Wednesday and Saturday, even if I'm not feeling it, he's like, take it, because that's a schedule. And, like, I want your brain to know that schedule. So maybe he has, like, popcorn nights where, you know, he's not. Even if you get tired of the popcorn, you're gonna leave and he's gonna stay and chill in there eating popcorn, watching whatever he wants. But then there's like, other nights where you're like, maybe you can plan even if you miss every night. But one night a week, he's gonna to. When you're over the popcorn, leave that room and be with you in the bedroom. And, like, all the things.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah. Is that incorporating Jake's idea of the schedule plus the throne?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Whitney, I think there's a win here, but you're going to have to page it a little bit. Yeah, and what I mean by page it a little bit is we to call our. Who evolved the pitch. So we've kind of given you a lot, but you're going to have to create the throne. You're going to have to create a little theater, convince him to stay in it, and then, you know, there's a lot.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Like a dog.

[Elise Myers]

I mean, I don't think he much. His popcorn's in there.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, his popcorn in there.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Put my shirt in there so he could get familiar with my scents. Just make it comforting. Yeah, I get it.

[Elise Myers]

Just wear your brows over the chair.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Like, you have to convince them to go in there and stay in there.

[Jake Johnson]

But what do you think, Whitney? What are you going to do here?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah, I think I'm gonna do that. We haven't. It's the only room we have not remodeled yet, so it's available. The timing's perfect. So I think I will update you guys. If he'll go for it, I'm gonna just pitch it like, you know, I don't want to take away what you love. Let's make it into a room that you can enjoy, and that way my bed sheets stay clean. And we could separate the fun from the sanctuary of sleeping.

[Jake Johnson]

And you know what else you could do, Whitney? While you said you' building out that room, you can soundproof it, and it's not even that expensive. You could do it like.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah, we're planning on.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Those panels.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. And also, I was gonna say hang there. There's air purifiers that are specifically meant for, like, cigar rooms. We have one in our kitchen, and we hang it because I'm really sensitive to smells. So my husband hung it in our kitchen, and it will get rid of any smells. Like, we bought it because someone said online they smoke a CIGAR, and within 10, 10 minutes, it's like, he never smoked a cigar. So look at, like, things like that that you can hang on the wall in there and it.

[Jake Johnson]

But for the theater, he doesn't even know it.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah, right, right. And then separating him from the microwave, one, that's like the glass dome, because he's getting a lot of injuries with it, too, because he's like, it's. It's so much use. It's breaking and cracking. So now I can maybe invest in a machine that. For the room that he can make a big serving and then just serve himself and then his PSM responsibilities. He has to clean it. He has to clean it. I'm not going to be stuck cleaning the damn popcorn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whitney, he's not on the phone right now, so you don't. You don't need to yell at us.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah, true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I'm also.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm having really mixed feelings because one second I'll be getting mad at you, and two, I feel like I'm married to you and I like it, and I'll be a little.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Probably how my husband feels.

[Jake Johnson]

I bet I'll be like this. God, there's so many goddamn rules. You're so mad at me. And then I'll go, I deserve it all. The thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The thing.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm a sloppy human. I've got nothing figured out. Please give me rules or I will turn into mush.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's great about a popcorn room and potentially a throne is it almost feels like an upgrade. Totally. It really is your way.

[Jake Johnson]

Gift to him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're just giving him Vegas, and he just goes to Vegas when he wants to gamble.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly right. And I like that term. Give him Vegas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think Vegas.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? Another way of saying it is what Yoko did for John Lenon. She gave him a year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A year to kind of like do.

[Jake Johnson]

Whatever he wanted to do.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So you're. That he's doing that with Popcorn. Get it out of your system, pal. Just do it in Vegas.

[Elise Myers]

And you know what? He might actually see this as such an act of love because I think this sounds like it's probably a really sort big source of tension in your guys marriage.

[Jake Johnson]

From Whitney's point of view. I don't think he idea.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. He literally has no clue.

[Jake Johnson]

He's just in his point of view. He's literally eating popcorn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's eating popcorn. Blistered hands. His wife's furious at him.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Elise Myers]

But it might feel, I don't know, it might make him feel like you're honoring this like thing that he loves. And, and it might create this response. You can't expect it, but it might create this response of like. Also, now I want to be with you too, because I'm seeing the separation in you and Popcorn. And he's like.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Whitney, will you follow up with us? I think this is a nice way.

[Elise Myers]

I need to know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also want to talk to him at some point. I mean, I would love to.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let's. Let's have him on the follow up to see how it all goes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This is important.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Let's see if he's happy and satisfied.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Let's keep this man happy. Let's keep this man happy, Whitney.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Remember, try my best.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Elise Myers]

You're doing great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're doing great, Whitney.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah. Even though I appreciate it.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Have a good one. Bye. Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye. Bye. Hello.

[Elise Myers]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi.

[Elise Myers]

Hi. Question mark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I believe it was unsure.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Worried as you should be when you call this show. Well, that's the voice of Elise Myers who's joining us. You've got J. Yep. You've got Elise. She has a book coming out called. That's a great question. I'd love to tell you.

[Elise Myers]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we just solved a real normal thing, so we're on fire. What is your name, please?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Alyssa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Alyssa. Where are you calling from, Alyssa?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I'm calling from Boise, Idaho.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Beautiful and rough age you've got there, Alyssa.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

34.

[Jake Johnson]

34 per. Gareth lived in. Gareth lived in Boise for a year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's funny, on the last call, I almost related it to in the place I rented. I had a pot club closet. A place where I only went to get high.

[Elise Myers]

That's amazing. What a dream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it was. It was the weirdest room, but it was like my little. My little sanctuary. It was real weird. Yeah. Like a sad man cave. It was a sad cave.

[Elise Myers]

That's just my garage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, great spot, too. Mine was tight. Tighter quarters.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Alyssa, so what is going on? What can we help you with today?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

So I have been a male man. Male, male, lady, lady for a couple of years now. And. And I finally, a couple months ago, got my own route. And it's a walking route. It's a great route. It's in a really nice neighborhood. The only problem is that I get attacked by turkeys.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, well, thank you so much for the call, everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember the turkeys roaming Boise. I remember so often.

[Jake Johnson]

This is crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They were. Were just out and about.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

And when. When you were here during the pandemic, right? Yeah, yeah. So there weren't that many. And then they started having babies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's locked down. They were. They were. They were into. They did like everyone else. A lot of lockdown babies. Even with the turkeys.

[Elise Myers]

Totally.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Yeah. So basically, I always have to watch my back and keep my ears open and my eyes open and try not to be a touch attacked. So my question is, do you have any suggestions on how to scare the turkeys without hurting them?

[Elise Myers]

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, we're getting some pictures. Nobody better than Jake to handle this.

[Jake Johnson]

At least that's gonna hurt them. Not just, I don't know, they might hurt their suit.

[Elise Myers]

They're gonna go tell their friends. Jake, I know, but you.

[Jake Johnson]

But you do Jiu Jitsu, right? It just rip those necks right off those turkeys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But if you do it like Jake, you just hurt your knee and you have to stop after you built a.

[Jake Johnson]

Little shed and then gonna. I'm going to get three of those turkeys in my garage that start collecting dust.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, you'll be ready. Wow, that's really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're seeing photo evidence of your turkeys.

[Elise Myers]

Holy. Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've got a gang of turkeys over there.

[Jake Johnson]

We got 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 20. I got about 27 turkeys in a photo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All different sizes. Jake's got that animal eye he can count in.

[Jake Johnson]

That ain't. That ain't Jake's baby. Those are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those are full grown Jake's Jiu Jitsu. David Attenborough, he can tell you right there. Those are groans.

[Jake Johnson]

You got. You got about 14 that can do.

[Elise Myers]

Math with pie, but nothing else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right, right. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You got 16 grown. The rest are baby turkeys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's got turkey.

[Jake Johnson]

You've got nine female turkeys. The rest are male turkeys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, we don't have time, but. Okay, Alyssa, two of them are pregnant. Okie dokie. You have to excuse Jake, who's a veterinarian.

[Jake Johnson]

Actually, on the far right, two are about to mate. Look at the ones on the far right.

[Elise Myers]

Look at the picture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're not presenting, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

There's one behind the other one, and the one behind it's got his shoulders up like, come on. And the one in front of it is going like, yeah, look, we are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Looking at 40 turkeys. And Jake is pointing out a specific nuance.

[Elise Myers]

I think search history right now. I think turkey's sex.

[Jake Johnson]

Turkey sex. Merch. Merch.

[Elise Myers]

Wait.

[Jake Johnson]

Tattoo for Steve Berg.

[Elise Myers]

Can we do, like, a spray? Like a scent?

[Jake Johnson]

They don't like the one in the back can.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

So I. They do. So the post office provides us with a dog spray. And so one day I. I saw them. They wait. They know where I park my truck, right? So they were waiting by my truck.

[Jake Johnson]

They are.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

They're like, tracking turkeys. And so I. I FaceTimed my husband, and he's like, well, just take your air horn and take your. Your dog spray and just go at him and yell. And I tried that, and they just came at me, and I tried to get in the back of my truck, and then I tried to get in my truck.

[Jake Johnson]

I was in that. If I was in that turkey group and you tried to come at us like that, I would take you over.

[Elise Myers]

What if she's wearing a night suit?

[Jake Johnson]

A night suit? What does that mean?

[Elise Myers]

Armor.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, like, yeah, that would. That would work.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What if she's dressed like a Thanksgiving chef?

[Elise Myers]

O.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love how you think. I love how you think that the turkeys are going to be like, that's a cook. Stay away.

[Jake Johnson]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not just a cook. That's a Thanksgiving cook.

[Elise Myers]

A Thanksgiving cook. Yeah, I mean, they only on that.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanksgiving's a bad period for turkeys, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Alyssa. What? What? Just you've kind of alluded to it, but a turkey attack looks like what? Just like when geese attack people, they're just kind of coming at you, pecking at you.

[Jake Johnson]

Turkey attack. Never thought I'd hear that.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I've been attacked by a chicken. And it's very similar. They kind of like, you know, they run at you and want to get their talons at you.

[Jake Johnson]

Is everything good? Been attacked by a chicken. What. What other birds you been attacked by? Well, if I'm honest with you. I've been attacked by a chicken. Been attacked by nails.

[Elise Myers]

Alligator in there and that one didn't do good.

[Jake Johnson]

But I got attacked by some crow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was picked up by a falcon and dropped off where I live now.

[Elise Myers]

I was trying to ride a pig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I lived in an eagle nest for a fortnight.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that was a nightmare.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was not as bad as you'd think, though.

[Jake Johnson]

Not exactly. Well, the food was wonderful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My fault for eating worms.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, well. But when it's presented that way, how can you say no? It goes right your mouth. So I.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

It was a long time ago.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is a very interesting question. The question is, you're a male lady and you get attacked by wild turkeys in Boise. How do we get the wild turkeys to stop attacking you?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Well, at least protect myself, because I don't think they're going to stop attacking.

[Jake Johnson]

I love the rhythm of which you speak.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

These turkeys are meant to attack.

[Elise Myers]

You really considered these turkeys, which I really appreciate. Is there like a protective sock? I'm thinking like compression sock, but that's like hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was thinking like a big boot. They call them wellies in England. Like a large boot that goes up to the knee. Like a waiter? Basically. Yeah, something like that. I hear.

[Jake Johnson]

I hear where this is going. Elizabeth, let me ask you a question. What is the, you know, going back to my days of jiu jitsu. Jiu jitsu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a white belt, there's a brown belt, there's a purple. There's a hierarchy. What is the natural predator of the turkey? Is it a coyote?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Jake coyote.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Oh. But are you gonna like that one question you guys had and you're gonna talk about coyote pee and Alyssa, you have to answer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it probably is urine related.

[Jake Johnson]

No, it might be. I was thinking about getting a fake coyote penis, filling it with urine and spraying it on the. The turkeys. But now I' say that. So can you please answer the question? Is it coyotes are the natural predators of these turkeys or what's. I know you guys don't have wolves up there.

[Elise Myers]

Should be.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Honestly, this is a. It's just a very suburban area besides the turkeys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So if you were to add to your male duties a coyote penis that squirted piss that might be frowned upon in the suburban area where you have have to walk.

[Jake Johnson]

Not if she adds it on her forehead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm asking her.

[Elise Myers]

That's what I was thinking.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Honestly, they've started attacking regular people too. So they might need this as well.

[Elise Myers]

What about like calling the city? This feels like a. I cannot believe.

[Jake Johnson]

This isn't being handled by the city. If there were wild turkeys attacking people in my neighborhood, I would never stop calling.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

We called animal control. They told us to call Wildlife and Game and they.

[Jake Johnson]

And then Wildlife and Game told you to call. Have you ever called? We're here to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're going to want to call. We're here to help and find out what kind of piss you need to have out of that fake talk.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, what I think you ought to do is call that show and then have Pigley and Mo leave them a message.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I'll just have a speaker with me so you can yell at the turkeys.

[Elise Myers]

How would you yell at a turkey if you had to scare it away, Gareth? Me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I would probably try to out turkey it. I would try to go.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, I wouldn't be scared about if I was a turkey, but I genuinely.

[Jake Johnson]

Impressed with the turkey, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I love that you're in Boise. You learn. You learn the trades. I think there might be something.

[Jake Johnson]

Winslow, can you please do a turkey in an elevator.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Floor, Sir?

[Jake Johnson]

Holy. Can you do a turkey at a Dodger? Your game. What was that top chanting like?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so we got. Yeah, go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so I think we just said it's a crazy idea, but there might be something to a. I got a combo.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could do the turkey sounds you could have on your phone. Turkey sounds. You could even get a Bluetooth speaker.

[Jake Johnson]

Speaker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could play turkey sounds blasting out of the mailbag that just sort of are confusing them. I think maybe you wear the high knee boots, nice big thick rubber. And then what if you carried a little bit of turkey feed with you? You scatter or.

[Elise Myers]

No, but no, they're gonna know that then and they're gonna come up to her when she's agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But she's just gotta have turkey feed on.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this? I have. I have one. So you got two things because I just wrote turkey food and I wrote throw it away. I was also thinking make friends with the turkey. I was thinking of Eric's approach would be. But I think that's wrong because then I think they are going to fully beg you every time.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What about a water gun? One of those super soakers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't hate that because you're not hurting it.

[Elise Myers]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So we have raccoons that come and eat. We have an outdoor cat and the raccoons eat the cat food and we don't want to hurt the raccoons. They're allowed to be outside, but it's a lot. And they come right up and they eat up. It's an old cat. And so. So lately, what I've been doing is I have a thing of water. I'll just throw the water at the raccoon. And that water freaks out a raccoon like you wouldn't believe. And so if you got one of those super soakers and you walked out and the turkey had an idea, you know, sheepdogs, all. All you got to do is bite. The sheepdog bites one sheep, the amount of blood the other sheep see, they're not interested.

[Elise Myers]

You're only gonna bite that sheepdog one time. It's never gonna.

[Jake Johnson]

And then that blood goes ever. And I've seen it in Ice on Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've seen it.

[Jake Johnson]

I've seen it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, okay. Turkey counter. Yeah, y. I've seen it.

[Jake Johnson]

I've seen it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's okay.

[Elise Myers]

Make videos of you shooting the turkey with a water gun and talk about it and bully the city. It's going to go so viral. You shooting turkeys with a water gun.

[Jake Johnson]

And you go, like, because I have to.

[Elise Myers]

I have to. I literally. I called a podcast so that I could, like, and then people are going to lose their mind.

[Jake Johnson]

Actually, Elise, will you help us with something?

[Elise Myers]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is now all of a sudden, a very strong idea. Will you make a video, Alyssa, of you. You saying the turkey problem is making it so hard for me to do my job because I get attacked. So I had to call. We're here to help. And Elise Myers, Gareth Reynolds, and Jake Johnson told me to get a water gun to shoot them because the city of Boise will not help with this problem. Then go out on a route and while film yourself doing it. And then at least will you help animate it into a clip? And we will post it on our social and see if we can actually help by raising awareness for the turkey issue.

[Elise Myers]

Well, she posted. I'll due at it. I'll literally do it on my own channel.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. What does that mean? Duet it.

[Elise Myers]

Oh, like. Like it put. I put next to, like, my face next to it, and I'm like, this was me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did this call.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elise Myers]

Like 12 million people.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And maybe we hashtag it Noisy Boise.

[Elise Myers]

Noisy, noisy.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's not noisy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do I need to walk you all through the sound?

[Jake Johnson]

Trying to go back to your sounds. But this is about her problem.

[Elise Myers]

Yeah, she doesn't want to be a.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, I know. But also, Garrett, that's just. That's just. You're trying to connect you to her socials.

[Elise Myers]

Neil. Attack turkey.

[Jake Johnson]

Noisy Boise. Should we disconnect that? Michael Winslow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I. Can we isolate the two seconds where it felt like that idea had some steam until it completely fell apart? Felt like there was a sweet little.

[Jake Johnson]

But this is. Is a. This is a real win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

If you. You do that, you say, we didn't know what. I didn't know what to do. I called animal control. They did nothing. So I called. We're here to help. They had Elise Meyers on. The three of them came up with this idea. We. I did it. But, guys, I need some help. These turkeys are out of control.

[Elise Myers]

No, she doesn't say that. No.

[Jake Johnson]

Why not?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

The city is incredible.

[Elise Myers]

Because you want the comments to say that. She doesn't need to say that. So what you do is you just show, like, you. You're, like, you're in your mind. You're resigned. The city's not going to help you. Taking it into your own hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not great.

[Elise Myers]

I don't even think you need to explain that. You talk to us at the. At the top, because what people are going to see is it's going to load onto the screen. They're going to scroll if they see you talking about a podcast, but they're not going to scroll if they see you with a Super Soaker and the next shot is like, the thing propped up. A turkey's coming at you, and you're going like this. And then you explain it because people.

[Jake Johnson]

Are like, how the.

[Elise Myers]

Is she hitting a. A turkey with a squirt gun? And then you don't say anything about, like, helping you. The city is going to. People are in the comments. I'll go in. Give me your socials offline here. So, like, on. On the Internet, I can check in. And when you do it, I'll. I'll repost it and stuff. But you need the comments to. To come up. For you, not you.

[Jake Johnson]

This is perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, what a punch up.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but by the way, that's perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you get all that?

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I. I. Yes.

[Elise Myers]

Sorry.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

Oh, no, no, no, no. It'll be okay. I got this. I actually gotta go back to work in, like, a minute.

[Jake Johnson]

This is perfect. So you got a plan? And here's the reality. We're not airing this episode until October because I think. And that's per U. Elise. So I think that's when the book's coming out. So we will air this and let's not post on the social media until right then. So we will all coordinate it together. So you've got about two. A month and a half or so.

[Elise Myers]

To figure it out to get the footage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Super.

[Jake Johnson]

Get a super multiple if you can.

[Elise Myers]

Outfits or.

[Jake Johnson]

Outfits is exactly right.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

All right, awesome. Well, thanks, you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. If this gets to the city and they change the turkey problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

That's a super win.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a super Soaker win. At least it's taking you, by the way. I mean, she's doing the phone. She's getting the good pitches. She's not saying make it Boise noisy or something Noisy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boise, buddy. And I believe that was an Elise pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we appreciate the call. Follow up with us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

Make a big push in October. Elise, you're the best, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

October, right before Thanksgiving. This timing is perfect. Oh, my God, Alyssa, you just have to survive two months.

[Jake Johnson]

The timing is perfect.

[Elise Myers]

That's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, well, we'll be in touch. Alyssa, thank you for the call.

[Elise Myers]

Thank you, Alyssa. Good to meet you.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

All right, thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stay safe there, nosy boy.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Elise Myers]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohealth what's going on?

[Lamorne Morris or Hannah Simone]

It's Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone, and we host the Mess Around a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it like we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

That's not true.

[Elise Myers]

We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet.

[Whitney / Alyssa (callers)]

I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

[Lamorne Morris or Hannah Simone]

We're just two BFFs having a good old time. Okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayne Jr. And your dad. We talked to your dad on this show as well.

[Elise Myers]

Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you get your up pop podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.