227: Best Advice Vol 3: The Cranky Ronnies (with Steve Berg and Eric Edelstein)

Summary

"We're Here to Help" Episode 227: Best Advice Vol 3: The Cranky Ronnies (with Steve Berg and Eric Edelstein)

Date: November 5, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guests: Steve Berg & Eric Edelstein
Theme: Listeners call in to share the best advice they’ve ever received, personal stories, and follow-ups on previous advice from the show, all with the comedic, irreverent tone that defines "We're Here to Help." The episode features the segment "The Cranky Ronnies," and is rich with banter, fake personas, and playful teasing among friends.

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Episode Overview

In this “fusion” episode of We’re Here to Help, Jake and Gareth are joined by friends Steve Berg and Eric Edelstein for a jam-packed volume of caller stories about the best (and weirdest) advice they’ve ever received. The vibe is part celebration, part roast, with recurring in-jokes, impressions, and inspired tangents. The group also discusses Gareth’s recent standup special, Steve’s upcoming “Home EC” Patreon show, and field calls that range from the darkly comedic (“my wedding DJ was a murderer”) to mischievous (“don’t tell people you’re dead when you’re not”) to heartwarming (“embrace the weird”).

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Key Discussion Points & Caller Highlights

1. Gareth’s Standup Special and Recap

• [03:03] Gareth shares reflections on performing his standup special: a whirlwind night with friends, family, an after-party, and seeing the “We’re Here to Help” van. The emotional aftermath is discussed, but with typically comedic deflection:
  • Steve: “Did you cry that night?”
    Gareth: “No… there was emotion.”
    • Follows with a riff about how men process (“After a great gig, I burp. That’s how I release. I’m a lot like Robert Durst.” [07:08])
• Jake: “You've been working so hard. It's crazy to watch you…” – ends with a playful burp mid-sentence.
• Memorable Quote:
  • “It became cellular... anyone who’s done anything like that, to have a night that culminates and it go well and then it be over, it was just the best.” – Gareth, [04:01]

2. Steve’s Upcoming Patreon Show: "Home EC"

• [07:35–11:13] Steve pitches his upcoming Patreon cooking/party-hosting show, likened to “Martha Stewart on three tabs of acid.” Audience members will email real event dilemmas for Steve to solve—think entertaining tips, menu and music curation—with follow-ups and photos requested.
  • Steve: “The whole idea of cooking with love and entertaining with love is actually a real thing, I believe.” [11:06]

3. Caller Stories of the Best Advice They’ve Received

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Dana: The Wedding DJ/Cold Case

• [11:28–18:29]
• Story: Dana was advised to buy wedding insurance. Months before her wedding, their DJ vanished—he’d been arrested for a decades-old murder. The insurance covered their costs.
  • Dana: “If your DJ commits a murder in the 1900s, it’s all covered. We got our money back.” [16:43]
• Hosts React: Outraged and delighted. Eric (in various impressions) says: “Before you hire a DJ, check his crawl space, babe.” [17:26]
• Advice Takeaway: Wedding insurance is essential—covers even the wildest scenarios.

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Lindsay: Pranks Gone Awry

• [19:01–26:21]
• Story: Childhood story—her brakes were tampered with, almost causing an accident. Her mom’s “lesson” was to pretend Lindsay had been gravely hurt or died (by skipping the bus and hiding at school) to spook the culprits. It worked too well: rumors swirl, classmates distraught.
  • Lindsay: “My advice is don’t tell people that you’re dead when you’re not.” [25:04]
• Hosts: Laugh at the escalation, immediately call it “merch.”
• Advice Takeaway: “If you’re going to do an elaborate prank, make sure you get all the details right… and maybe don’t tell people you’re dead.”

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Mikayla: The Cheese Alibi

• [28:35–39:11]
• Story: Mikayla eats half a pound of cheese during her drive home and concocts a white lie: she gave snack food to a homeless man with a dog, which has become her recurring excuse for missing groceries.
  • Jake: “I would sit in the car, eat all the cheese, and I would die with that wrapper.” [33:05]
  • Mikayla: “I've used it about three different times with different snacks… [now] my husband will say, ‘Can you pick up… cheese?’ And I’m planning what kind of snack I could bring that the dog could also enjoy…” [34:53]
• Hosts: Applaud her creativity. Gareth proposes karma: actually give food to someone in need to “tie the lie to reality.”
• Big Laugh: Mikayla’s covert snack habit is described as “hall of fame level” advice storytelling.
• Follow-Up Offer: Jake and Gareth want to help Mikayla reveal her long-running “homeless dog” alibi to her husband a year from now.

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Ryan: Embracing the Weird

• [39:40–46:35]
• Story: Ryan recounts advice from his wife—“embrace the weirdness.” He describes a co-worker who wore full cycling attire to work (but only swapped out his top for a button-up and tie), plus a “banana guy”—making the office eccentric, fun, and highly successful at sales.
  • Ryan: “He got me onto a slow-pitch softball team of 70-year-old doctors who’ve been playing for 45 years.” [43:50]
• Hosts: “If this show were The Voice, we’d all turn our chairs.” [45:05]
• Advice Takeaway: Leaning into others’ eccentricities leads to unexpected friendships and personal confidence.

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Danae: The Cigarette Compromise

• [46:41–58:21]
• Story: Her friend and her friend’s husband make a pact: every time he bums a cigarette, he has to give his wife all the cash in his wallet. Danae (a smoker) helps enforce the rule and gets introspective about quitting cigarettes.
  • Jake (getting real): “Danae, I need you to stop smoking cigarettes.” [50:10]
  • Emotional group intervention; various hosts share quitting stories and methods. Offer to send her a Steve Berg Hunk Calendar as reward if she truly quits, and check-in accountability is arranged for future episodes.
  • Steve: “Every one of us used to smoke… and we all smoked a pack a day.” [53:19]
• Advice Takeaway: Tough love and community support—committing to real change means accountability and, sometimes, a bit of public shaming and reward.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On big life moments (Gareth’s Special):

  “It became cellular…to have a night that culminates and it go well…was just the best.” — Gareth [04:01]

• On creative pranks:

  “Don’t tell people you’re dead when you’re not.” — Lindsay [25:04]

• Absurd white lies:

  “I made up a fake homeless man with a dog … Now [my husband] says, ‘Stop going to that grocery store because he doesn't want me to keep buying snacks for this dog.’” — Mikayla [34:53]

• On embracing the weird:

  “When in crazy town, embrace it.” — Ryan [43:50]

• On cigarettes and quitting:

  “Danae, I need you to stop smoking cigarettes.” — Jake [50:10]
  “There’s never going to be a good time to quit ever. … I would actually start tomorrow.” — Steve [57:30]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:03] Gareth on his standup special and aftermath
• [07:35] Steve introduces “Home EC”
• [11:28] Dana: wedding insurance/dark wedding DJ advice
• [19:01] Lindsay: prank gone wrong
• [28:35] Mikayla: cheese-eating, snack cover story
• [39:40] Ryan: “embrace the weird” workplace
• [46:41] Danae: cigarettes, group intervention, and quitting stories

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Tone, Inside Jokes & Podcast Vibe

• Playful and irreverent: Hosts frequently joke, riff, and tease both each other and their callers (“The Cranky Ronnies,” “Lindsay & Tracy” alter-egos for Jake & Eric).
• Silly impressions: Eric Edelstein pulls out recurring impressions (Sammy Davis Jr., David Lynch, Bill Walton) to comment comically on caller stories.
• Real advice, delivered comedically: The heart behind the banter is strong. Listeners’ stories are met with genuine warmth and encouragement.

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Recurring Themes

• Accountability & community: Whether it’s quitting smoking, following through with a wedding, or sticking to a white lie, the show emphasizes long-term follow-through and helping each other out.
• Practical but irreverent advice: From “get wedding insurance” to “don’t pretend you’re dead” to “own your quirks,” the advice is both sincerely valuable and deeply funny.
• Celebration of weirdness: Whether in snack habits or workplace attire, “lean in” is the motto.

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Final Takeaways

Best-of Advice from the Episode:

• Get wedding insurance—not just for common sense, but you never know if your DJ is a secret criminal.
• Don’t escalate pranks beyond your ability to control them—especially not faking your own death.
• If you need a snack alibi, philanthropy (even fictional) is a strong move; real kindness is even better.
• Embracing weirdness can transform friendships and yourself.
• If you want to quit a bad habit, enlist friends, accountability, and possibly reward yourself with absurd motivational pinup calendars.

Closing Note: Listeners are encouraged to send in their stories, follow up on their progress, and “embrace the weird” with the hosts—a space equal parts supportive community and comedy clubhouse.

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For those who haven’t heard the episode, this summary captures the show’s full flavor: inventive, warm, wildly tangential, and sneakily wise.

Transcript

[A]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

[B]

You know what Rocket Money does? Rocket Money finds your unwanted subscriptions and it says to you, hey, you still using this? Because I don't think you are. And you go, I don't think I am. And Rocket Money goes, well, you're paying 7.99amonth for it. And you go, what? And Rocket Money goes, put it in the capsule. We'll send it to the moon. I could go on and on, but this is just a short bump. So start saving [e-mail].

[A]

And we are back with a combo Wednesday of We're here to chat and a less ad episode sponsored exclusively by Rocket Money, where we're going to take some calls and people are going to tell us the best advice they've gotten and if they've taken any advice from the show and how it's gone. This is what I like to refer to as a fusion boys. We got a little bit of Korean. We got some Mexican. We're seeing how the taco tastes. I'll tell you why, Gareth, because I just talked to Steve for 35 minutes, just the two of us. He was cooking with such crazy guys.

[B]

Stop saying cooking. What percentage of that conversation was food based?

[A]

Almost 99. Almost all. Wait, did you get a ring the bell hat Gr.

[B]

Yeah, ring the bell. And also I wanted to.

[A]

Looks pretty good.

[B]

Something up there.

[A]

Gareth, what are we looking at?

[B]

Wow, Jake, we're looking at a framed boner alert we have from the calendar. Ally, the fantastic photographer, came in a show, Easy Steve in Wichita, and brought me one of the pictures from the calendar. I don't know if it's our favorite, but it's definitely top three.

[A]

It's pretty great.

[B]

Is in a tie dye shirt that when you ask if it's tie dye, he's very sensitive about, and he's taking a soiled wet sponge from a car washing bucket and just kind of wringing it out over his. His face. That's looking up in.

[C]

When you say soil, that makes it sound like I dipped it in the outhouse and it's like fecal matter. No, it's water.

[D]

That's what we assume, buddy.

[A]

Really quickly. And then I want to get into what Steve and I were talking about because I think you guys are going to love. Gareth just performed his big show, his special. How did it go. When can people watch it? Where can they watch it?

[B]

I know nothing as far as where it'll be, when it'll be. It went great. It was a crazy evening in so many respects. From doing the two shows of like this very prepared thing to, you know, after the shows going out and still trying to thank people and you know, be present there, to seeing the van the wrapped we're here to help van from Paige and Connor. And then my fam. My. You know, my friends were helping me with it. My father and my, my sister were there. My girlfriend was there. So it was just like. It was a really crazy evening and what. And I hadn't really been drinking. I'd been eating really healthy. And then when it was over, I ate pizza and drank wine and it was so. It was kind of the best part. It was kind of the kind of.

[A]

Agree though it was.

[B]

Yeah, it. It became cellular. It was like the, the. The ending of it was so great. And anyone who's done anything like that, you know to have a night that kind of c. Culminates in these two things totally and it go well and then it be over. It was just the best I heard.

[C]

From multiple people that have no connection to this friend group who said it was amazing.

[B]

You know, this is what's crazy is that night I was like, boy, I really stuck the landing. And then the next day I was like, I don't know how that went. I. I don't. I really. I don't know what it is about it, but I'm like, I think maybe the fact that it's over overtook how I even remember it.

[C]

Can I ask a question that's on all of our mind and all the listeners minds?

[B]

What did I have for breakfast? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no. Did you, did you cry that night?

[A]

No, I was not on everybody's mind.

[C]

You had to have cried a little bit with your friends, your family, your sister, your girlfriend.

[B]

No, you're preached everyone.

[A]

What kind of question.

[B]

Yeah, no, there was emotion.

[C]

I would have cried. I would have.

[B]

I was. No, I will say you cried.

[C]

No, not really.

[A]

But wait, hold on. Do you cry after a big acting job?

[C]

No.

[A]

When you did the Olivia Wabu movie, which was a big gig.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And she was a hotshot director. And you do that great scene in the trolley. Are you going back to the hotel room and crying big daddy?

[C]

No, I'm eating enough Mexican food for 12 people. That's.

[A]

I know, but you didn't say a question. We're all wondering, did you eat Mexican food for 12 people? You said, did you cry? Because then you said, I would have. And that's how you're pretending that you I would have.

[C]

I mean, like to a live show with all the energy of all the people.

[A]

You host these high strangeness events and you're going around to Tennessee and performing in front of 3,000 people. And afterwards I'm going, how'd it go? And you're saying, I crushed it. It felt really good. Are you back in the hotel room shedding a tear?

[C]

No, but I'm also a man. We're talking about Gareth here.

[D]

Don't. Jakey.

[B]

Jiu Jitsu your way out of this one.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

How dare you.

[C]

In hell. You.

[E]

Second.

[A]

What a God.

[B]

And by the way, you guys are both overreacting too.

[A]

I'll be honest.

[B]

That was. That was not an al oop. That was like he shot a two pointer over a five year old and you guys like Michael Jordan.

[A]

I made the bucket coming. I didn't see.

[B]

But he. He got scared. He got scared so he punched his buddy in the mouth.

[A]

Yeah. All right.

[B]

That's okay.

[A]

Really quickly. I would agree, obviously. Gr. We're all very excited and happy for you, brother.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You've been working so hard. It's crazy to watch you just burp.

[B]

Yeah, he's emotional.

[D]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

That's how I show emotion.

[D]

That's it. That's the most we're gonna get out of our buddy. No, After I have a great gig. I really nail See New York. I fucking burp.

[F]

I lie to Parliament.

[A]

Light burp. I burp.

[D]

I borrow a scooter.

[A]

I go to a bodega.

[D]

I just get to burp and that's how I release. I'm a lot like Robert Durst.

[A]

So really quickly. And then we're going to take our first call. Steve just. We're working on Patreon. He's going to do a Patreon only show and we're going to build it up and see if eventually we start releasing it. Maine. It's pretty special. Steve, give these dear people a taste of what you are cooking up.

[C]

Imagine if you will, Martha Stewart on three tabs of acid and then she does her show. This is a show.

[A]

Take away the three tabs of acid.

[C]

Okay. Yeah. She's just.

[A]

She's not what it is. She's trying to be cool.

[C]

I was trying to be cool. That was me being cool. It was. It didn't work.

[B]

I'm still digging out of that cry hole.

[A]

Because you admitted you cry. You're gonna cry after the pilot.

[C]

Okay, look, look, I'm gonna. I'm a guy who's in touch with his emotions. I am touched with the feminine side of me.

[A]

But however you touch the feminine side of you.

[C]

Easy.

[D]

Hey, let me grab some low hanging FRU juice.

[A]

Thank you, Eric. Thank you.

[C]

It's a show as a kind of in the spirit of a couple of my heroes and as the Barefoot Contessa and the wonderful Martha Stewart. But it's a show called Home EC where I am going to help people with entertaining or if you're, you know, your husband or wife just graduated from, you know, architecture school, I can help you prepare a nice evening dinner. Whatever.

[A]

People email in, they're hosting a thing and Steve tells them how to do it. What they should eat, what they should decorate as the music they should listen to.

[C]

Light.

[B]

I have two things. One, I have a pitch on the name. And the second is it doesn't sound like Martha Stewart on acid. It sounds like Martha Stewart with a lisp.

[C]

That would be accurate.

[B]

Don't join.

[A]

Maybe the asset gave her a list.

[C]

That's true. It was been known to do that.

[B]

Lethargic LFG D.

[D]

Well, I think you're forgetting Martha did time. Martha was in the joint. That gives her an edge. And that's the edge. Sammy Davis Jr. Martha did time, babe. When you're in the joint, you find one way out and that's Satan cat.

[A]

So if anybody wants to be part of that show, email. Hi. Hi. Strangeness27@gmail. Your question should be about you are hosting a real event. If it's not real, we sniff it out and then we just waste a little bit of time. But what we would love to do, similar to our main show is we're going to follow up with you. We would like pictures of the event. We want to see how the Steve Berg planning goes.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And if it's a success and it.

[C]

Could be, it could be a father and son hang. It could be like. It does not have to be a party.

[A]

Your thoughts?

[B]

No, it has to be a party.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

But there's perfect timing with the holidays coming up. Everyone stresses out. What am I doing?

[B]

Father's son hang. Hey, my dad and I are gonna go have McDonald's. Can we use Steve? I think also I think we should have Steve zoom into the event and I think it should be called Home Ecker. Like a home wrecker, but Home Ecker.

[C]

Oh, Home echo. I like that. Gareth, you're good. You Are good.

[D]

Well, I'll say what excites me about this is there's people that host, and it feels stressful. You can feel the work they put in when Steve Berg hosts. It is effortless. It is fun. It is a vibe. You feel like he's having as much fun as everyone else because maybe too much.

[C]

Maybe too much.

[D]

And he makes it feel effortless while he's cooking up a red sauce from scratch. So I think to put that kind of feeling, because I hate it when I go somewhere and I'm like, everything's correct on paper, but I can tell the host is stressed and they're worried and running around, and I take that on. But with Steve, it is a party, and he's just another guest while doing the work.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, You. The whole idea of a cooking with love and entertaining with love is actually a real thing, I believe.

[A]

Sweet. Jesse. Let's see what happens when we put a caller into this mix.

[B]

Let's see what happens. All right, so these callers are coming.

[D]

In random, so I have no idea.

[B]

What this is going to be.

[D]

I mean, okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

[B]

Okay, here we go.

[A]

Let's take over, bud.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Hello.

[E]

Hello.

[B]

Hi.

[E]

Oh, my gosh.

[D]

Hi.

[B]

Well, I'm not gonna lie. You're gonna. You should if you're a little excited. You're gonna get a lot excited because you're on our very special rocket money. Have you t. What advice has helped you? Has it been from the show? Walk us through this memory. But you don't only have Jake and myself. We are kind of.

[E]

Oh, my God. Hi, guys.

[D]

Hi.

[B]

You've got Eric and Steve also joining us.

[E]

Oh, my gosh. I'm giving you guys all a big group hug. This is so exciting.

[A]

Get in here.

[B]

Steve's crying. So, yeah, go ahead, walk us through it. What's your name first?

[E]

Yes. So my name is Dana.

[B]

Hi, Dana.

[E]

And I do have a little confession to make. I have called in previously under the guise of an alias. Wow.

[C]

Gaming the system.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Who were you?

[A]

What was your fake name before? I see if I remember, Is it.

[E]

Allowed to be, like, bleeped out? Because I don't want that.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no. Never mind.

[B]

Yeah, this is very interesting.

[A]

Yeah, I love the start.

[E]

So this is not advice that I got from the show, but this is advice that I got a couple of years ago. So also now in the moment, I'm wondering if this. I, like, love this story, but I. It might be a little bit too dark for now that I'm, like, Here in the moment.

[A]

Go ahead, let's see what happens.

[C]

I like it dark.

[E]

All right, so anyway, so my husband and I got married in 2019, so we're doing all the wedding planning in 2018. So we find the venue, and the woman that owned the venue had given us a list of like, her top recommended vendors, dj, caterers, all this stuff. So our biggest concern was the dj, because when do you have all of your people under one roof to party? So she was like, you've got to get this guy. He's the best. She gave us references. Everybody said the same thing. He was like a local sensation. So call him, meet with him, give him a $2,000 deposit. My check clears. This is the first week of June in 2018. So then I never hear from him again. So now cut. So cut to. We are at a meeting with the. The woman that owns the venue. We're just finalizing all the details. And she said to us, you know, I highly recommend investing in wedding insurance, which I had never heard of before. And I thought it was kind of a scam, but I was like, you know what? We're already in debt over this. Why not? So we get the wedding insurance, and what it was supposed to be for was like, if somebody gets a little too drunk and they break a glass or something, the cost is covered.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

So we got the wedding insurance. Now.

[A]

Fair.

[E]

We are like, several months. It's like, you know, the end of the summer of that year, and I still have not heard from this guy. No emails, he's not responding to any calls, texts, nothing. I'm complaining to my. My hu. Husband, my mom. I'm like, this is terrible customer service. I mean, I understand it's the dj. Like, what do you need? My. Whatever. So my mom calls me. It's now like around Thanksgiving. So now several months have gone by. This guy has just been crickets. He calls me and she's like, you have to turn on the news your DJ was arrested. So we turn on the news. He had been arrested the week after my check cleared. But they are just like, we're getting into the trial now for a 26 year cold case.

[D]

Oh, my.

[F]

Are you shady?

[B]

By the way, I cannot wait for the advice portion of this setup.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God, Google.

[E]

So, yes. So he had. I don't know if you get beats, I want you to get canceled. But he had. I just committed a homicide in 1992 and in the same town, stayed there. He had this very lucrative career spoken very highly of and stayed like, hidden in plain sight. And so, anyway, so we found out about five months before the wedding that he was no longer going to be able to attend.

[B]

And, like, why?

[E]

He was a little busy. But the kicker is that my husband is also stay true trooper. And we had like a dozen troopers that are running, so we were like. He would have been up there just sweating.

[A]

But anyway, great story. Really wild. Agreed with Eric. It's a movie. Feels like Donnie Brasco type vibes.

[E]

Well, they made a Cold case episode about it.

[A]

Oh, what is the. Let's tie this back to our show here.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

What the hell is the advice you got?

[E]

My advice for somewhere in the fine lines of this wedding insurance was that if your friend breaks the glass or if your DJ commits a murder in the 1900s, it's all covered. So we got our money back.

[D]

No way.

[E]

We got a new dj. And so now everybody, all of my friends that have gotten married since then, I tell everybody, I'm like, yo, get the wedding insurance.

[A]

That's actually great.

[C]

That is incredible.

[B]

Let's go ahead and put the crown on Dana for this format.

[A]

I mean, that is fantastic advice, but a great story. Great landing. Hey, Sammy Davis Jr. What do you think of this?

[D]

I think it's great. I think that DJ got caught up with Satan, babe. And the lesson is, if you're getting hitched, especially with a state trooper, before you hire a dj, check his crawl space, babe. You don't know what's up there.

[A]

Hey, David lynch, what do you think about this?

[D]

Well, the thing is, I just kind of love that darkness. And he probably would have played a lot of Morrissey and dissonant tones. That's just a fantastic thing. Get that insurance. I always do it. My rent a car. I once had blood of a dead bat all over a Sentra. And boy, do they charge you for that, bucko.

[A]

Last but not least, Bill Walton. What do you think of Dana's story?

[D]

Why, why, why? Why do you have a cold case? Why do you kill a dj?

[C]

This is awful.

[D]

No, horrible. When John Wooden crafted the pyramid of success, we knew you don't hire a killer. How did a state trooper hire a killer?

[A]

Dana, thank you so much for the call. We appreciate it.

[D]

We love you, Dana. Everybody get that wedding inside. Get it for a rental car. Get it for your wedding.

[E]

I love you guys.

[A]

You're the best.

[D]

Love you, Dana. This is, aw, amazing. That's incredible.

[A]

Jesse bringing another one right away.

[D]

We're on. Wow. We're cooking. We're cooking, y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

That was wild.

[D]

Thank you. To rocket money. Wow.

[A]

Cut that out. He's trying to get B on the side. He's trying to get B on the side.

[D]

I am here to dance. Are you kidding? I go in and I'm ready to sell out for the man in a second.

[B]

Hello, caller, are you there?

[E]

I am.

[B]

Hi. Hi. Can we get your name, please?

[E]

My name's Lindsay.

[B]

Hi, Lindsay.

[A]

Well, let's be a female. That was going to be my name per my mom.

[B]

Okey dokey.

[D]

We cut that out.

[C]

Natalie.

[A]

I love rocket money.

[D]

I love rocket money. Jake was a female.

[A]

If I was a lady, I would be Lindsay. I love rocket money. Lindsay, take over.

[E]

There's so many different ways to spell this too. So.

[B]

So, Lindsay, you can never find me on the Internet.

[A]

L, I, n, D S a, y. You S, E, Y. Oh, what's up, Different Lindsay.

[C]

Jake's really played out this Lindsay life in his head.

[B]

Like he knew the movie.

[D]

Yeah, that's been living as Lindsay for years.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Much, much happier.

[A]

What I just realized, Eric, our lunches. We're not Jake and Eric. We're Lindsay and Tracy.

[B]

That is when you guys start talking. Lindsay and Tracy.

[D]

Oh, yeah, we've already been called the entity side. That's who it is. Hey, we just finally have a name today.

[A]

So good.

[D]

Those big guys really gossip.

[A]

All right, Lindsay, you know the format of this one, right? Obviously you got Eric and Steve here too. This is the advice one. So what advice did you got? Is there a story with it? Take over, lady.

[E]

Yeah. So did you guys want me to go with how you had done it where there was a problem ish type of thing and then you guys are pitching or are you guys doing it where I think I purple?

[A]

Lindsay, we're making it up as we go. So you just take the lead and we'll see what happens.

[E]

Oh, okay. Yeah, sounds good. Okay, so this is advice from, like a little while ago, you know, before, like, social media and stuff. So I'm not sure that my parents didn't, like, call up to like, a underground. We're here to help dial tone call podcast. But anyway, so we were at an activity and we had rode our bikes there. We were like, having fun and then we were leaving and we all got on our bikes when we were driving or riding down the road and we could. A couple of us couldn't stop and we were like, what's going on? We were like, at an intersection. Luckily, it was kind of like a rural town, so there wasn't a ton of cars, but the cars stopped and Slowed down. And we were just like zooming through the intersection and we got to a point where we could slow down and we realized that our brakes had been like taken apart. Like on our bikes. There's like this little clip or whatever. On our bikes they come in close to a DJ.

[B]

What? Nothing.

[A]

1992.

[B]

Was this 92. And was there a DJ in the neighbor? No.

[A]

Go ahead, Lindsay.

[B]

That's a question.

[D]

This is how we do it at a loud volume. 2000.

[E]

2000 ish year. So you know, everyone was freaked out. They just realized that they survived, so now they're just getting all crazy. Anyway, so we figured out that the bike breaks had been messed with. And we got to my parents house and we told my mom this and we're like, I think our bikes got messed with. And they're like looking at our bikes and. And we realized that there was probably some kids that, that were hanging out by our bikes that had messed with our bikes. And so my mom was coming up with a solution and advice to kind of either teach him a lesson or kind of, you know, kind of get back or let the kids know that that wasn't a super awesome prank. So that was the beginning of the story.

[C]

Okay, set up what.

[A]

And then what was the advice?

[B]

You. Yeah, what was the revenge of the advice?

[C]

Did you kids own a loan shark? Any money at the time?

[E]

No. I'd say we were pretty. We were pretty keep to our own. Like not really getting into trouble or anything.

[A]

So a bunch of kids fucked with your breaks. You guys could have gotten real danger. What happened?

[E]

Yeah, so my mom came up with this kind of like teach them a lesson kind of advice kind of thing. So we all went to. We all heard like the bus stop and then we rode the bus together to the school. And so she's like, well, what if one of you guys or a couple of you guys don't show up to the bun shop?

[A]

Like you got killed.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

So sure thing was just like. Yeah. She was just like, well, what did you just say?

[A]

That you were burned down the farm, all the cows.

[E]

Yeah, I did grow up on the farm. So that's probably where she got that from.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Killed everybody. You killed us all. Good job.

[E]

So she was like, not even starting with that. It was like, just say that you got hurt and that, you know, like they're gonna bikes. It was because of the bikes. That was like the two things, right? So she's like, well, how about I take you to school? So take me to school. I sit in the gym locker room. Because I had gym first class, and so no one would see me. Like, I wouldn't talk to anybody. And then I could, like, jump out, you know, and be like, actually, hey, I'm still alive. I'm not hurt. I know, right?

[A]

Interesting.

[E]

So, yeah, so I went to school. I was sitting in the locker room. I had my gym class, and I, like, come out of gym, and this girl, like, runs up to me. She's like, oh, my gosh, Lindsay, like, I literally thought you were dead. Like, and she was, like, crying, and she was freaking out. And the teacher in my next class was like, oh, I didn't expect this. You know, like, what's going on? And another girl was like, we heard that you were in the icu and they thought you were going to die. And I think they. I think, like, the kids at the bus stop got so kind of, like, into the story and skips kind of the part about the bikes being like.

[A]

Yeah, I get it.

[E]

But, you know, it was like, seventh graders, so, I mean, what can you expect? But that was the advice. I think I learned more from.

[A]

So, Lindsay, take it down as if it was a line of merch. What is the advice?

[E]

A line of merch.

[A]

So I'm not understanding what the advice was. So what is the.

[E]

Oh, yeah, my mom advice was the same thing. Like, be the prank or do the prank. Tell them that.

[B]

They.

[E]

Tell them that you were hurt, kind of get back at the kids.

[A]

Andy, all these years later, what did you learn from it, and what's your advice takeaway from it?

[E]

My advice is don't tell people that you're dead when you're not.

[A]

See, that's merch. That's merch.

[B]

That is. There you go.

[C]

That's it.

[D]

Jake's gonna sell the hat right now, and you're gonna get nothing. Lindsay's gonna sell Lindsay's hat.

[E]

And don't skip over the break bit.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So takeaway from this one is, look, don't tell people you're dead when you're not. And if you do, don't skip over the details of why you're dead.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's also interesting because it's our audience that could relate to this one, but those who can, can.

[C]

Really.

[E]

Well, by the way, if you're trying to. To pull off a prank, make sure you get all the facts that you're trying to do.

[A]

I think that's great advice.

[E]

Was the part.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

That I get over.

[B]

I like the whole. To me, I think it went pretty well. I don't know how much I would change, honestly, you know, but the FBI audience of the.

[E]

Of the prank ended up being me instead of the kids that messed with the bike.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

But I think the idea of that. The takeaway advice that I see is if you're going to do an elaborate prank, make sure you get all the details right. Yep.

[B]

Yep.

[E]

Correct. And maybe not rely on seventh graders so much.

[A]

Yeah. Lindsay, we appreciate the call. Great story. Thank you.

[E]

You're welcome.

[A]

You're midway through the show, and you haven't listened. Okay, then I'll tell you a little bit more about Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Don't you want to grow your savings? Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features.

[B]

A lot of people are not aware of how much they spend each month, how many subscriptions they have, how many subscriptions they're still paying for. You know, you sign up for, like, a. Some sort of streamer for one week, you forget about it, and you're paying for it for six months. And you are probably going to be shocked at how many times that happens and how much money you're spending. And that's why Rocket Money is the app designed to help you manage your money better.

[A]

Get on Rocketmoney.com help. Try it. See what you save. You're gonna save money. Do you like saving money? I bet you do. What are you, a billionaire? You don't care. I bet you care. You're just a little lazy.

[E]

You're just like Jake.

[A]

Stop telling me what to do. You're not my boss, and I'm not. I'm your friend trying to save you money. What, that makes me a bad guy, that I want to save you a little bit of money? I don't think so. I think it's called being a friend.

[B]

So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com/help today. That's RocketMoney.com help. RocketMoney.com help. Hello there. You've got Jake, you've got Eric, you've got Gareth, you've got Steve. Jake and Eric sometimes go by Lindsay and Tracy. What is your name, please?

[A]

I agree.

[E]

Trace four of you.

[B]

Yes, this is an enormous.

[D]

You're here. And you're weird.

[B]

Welcome.

[A]

Oh, shoot.

[E]

She says hi. Hi. Hi. This is exciting. I'm very excited. My name is Mikayla and I am from Winnipeg, Manitoba.

[D]

Cool. Love Winnipeg. I've been there. It was awesome.

[B]

Here we go.

[E]

Nice. Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it.

[B]

Part of me wants to hear what Sammy Davis Jr. Would do there, but part of me doesn't.

[D]

Yeah, Winnipeg was great, babe. Go jets.

[B]

Gave McKaylen.

[A]

Wendy.

[E]

Go jets, go.

[B]

What is the advice you were given or the advice you have taken or a story about great advice that you can present us with?

[E]

Okay, so this wasn't advice I was directly given, but I was in a situation a couple of months ago and I had to think, what would Jake and Gareth do? Because I thought that was the only way to make this happen. So I was.

[A]

Tracy, don't do that.

[E]

Driving home from work. Yeah, I think you're gonna use it.

[A]

Okay. Please, Michaela, take over.

[E]

Okay. Okay. So I was driving home from work. On my way home from work, there's a grocery store that I stopped by if we need anything for dinner.

[C]

Yummy.

[E]

And I was in there and. And, and yes, cheese was on sale.

[B]

Sorry, Michaela. Steve heard. Steve heard. Grocery store hasn't talked in a while. Grocery store, like they place groceries. All of it exists. It's not a dish.

[D]

His mind just went to his favorite grocery and I'm here for it.

[C]

That's my Graceland.

[A]

Michaela, back to you before we go off the rails.

[E]

So cheese was on sale, specifically, like a one block.

[B]

Relax.

[A]

We know you like cheese.

[C]

Oh, God.

[E]

It was a sharp cheddar.

[C]

Oh, are you in Wisconsin right now? You're in Manitoba? Never mind. I forgot.

[E]

I'm in Manitoba. No, no, I'm in Winnipeg.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

So yes, she is. Yeah, close enough. Was on sale. I had to get it. We did not need it, but I just. I needed a little snack. And one block, one pound block of cheese was on sale. So I got it with our other groceries. And the grocery store to my house is about a 30 minute drive, so I got kind of snacky. Next thing I know, I'm turning onto my street and I ate half of the block of cheese, like half a pound of cheese in my drive. And I knew my husband would question me on this and I just like could not admit that I ate it myself. I love two minutes. And I had just finished one of the podcast episodes, so I was like, hey, what would Jake, if I called in right now, tell me to do.

[A]

What was the episode? Do you remember if you don't, it's okay.

[E]

I don't remember. I listen to all of them when they come out, so it must one of the. They're all great.

[A]

You were right in the headspace and you said, I ate a half a pound of cheese. I'm gonna get question. What's a good line of that I could get out of this?

[E]

Yes. And I thought of something really smart and I'm going to tell you guys, and I'm hoping to use this lie. It's a white lie before you start.

[A]

Because I've loved this call. You're a home run. Gareth, what would you pitch to her?

[B]

I would pitch. Well, she sort of set us up for the pitch a little bit, and I like it. I would pitch that you saw someone in need on the way home and you thought, you know what? I just impulse bought all this cheese, I'm going to cut them off a hunk. And they were really happy and I think it made their day.

[A]

Steve, what would you pitch? I'd eat.

[B]

I'd say, aren't you glad that I didn't eat all of it?

[C]

Well, I mean, the obvious pitch to me is just to never mention anything about the cheese and then keep that for your personal stash. Hey, hon, I'm not feeling too hot tonight, so I'm just going to go watch some reruns of Lost, and then you can crush the rest of that cheese. However, you're gonna get the cranky Ronnies if you eat that much cheese. So just know that going in your pitch.

[D]

Yeah, I think you hide the rest of the cheese. You don't ever let them see that cheese. Yeah, you can stay in your car for a while.

[A]

I would sit in the car, eat all the cheese, and I would die with that wrapper. I might even eat the wrapper.

[D]

You can rewrap it in another bag, go in, start making grilled cheese. He doesn't know how much cheese you bought. Yeah, if he does, he's psycho.

[B]

Just.

[D]

It's just a little bit of cheese was eaten in the car. No one needs to know. It's a free country.

[C]

When I. Yeah, when I go to Jersey Mike's, of course I get the giant sandwich, but I don't want anyone to know that. So I eat half the sandwich in my car. Then I come home with like, oh, yeah, I'm just having a halfer.

[A]

Steve lives alone. Michaela.

[B]

We found out he's been lying about the wife. Anyway, go ahead, Mikayla, what did you do?

[E]

Okay, so, Gareth, you were spot on. That's exactly what I did. I made up a fake homeless man, but with a dog. I told my husband, and I knew he would question me on it because he's a sweetheart. And every day when I get home from work, he takes my bag and unpacks it for me and everything. So I knew he'd keep the block. Like, he'd see the block of cheese, and I couldn't hide it anywhere. So I made up a fake homeless man with a dog. And I've used it about three different times with different snacks. The second time, it was a bag of chips. And I told my husband the homeless man was there again, and he asked for more cheese for his dog. But I told him, no, no, I can't keep getting you cheese. Cheese is expensive. So he asked for some chips for his dog. So that's why I got the bag of chips, did it with a veggie tray. I did it with the fruit tray the following week. And now it's to the point that my husband will say, can you pick up, I don't know, goat cheese on the way home from work? And I'll say, okay, sounds good. And in my head, I'm planning what kind of snack I could bring that the dog could also enjoy the fake dog. But now he's told me to stop. Stop going to that grocery store because he doesn't want me to keep buying snacks for this dog.

[A]

This is so great, Michaela.

[C]

Great.

[D]

One of us.

[A]

Yes. This is a hall of fame level for this format.

[D]

We all understand it. Both the eating of the food and the scrambling to cover it up and the elaborate lie out.

[A]

Then it gets deeper, and you gotta keep talking about this dog. And then the dog's almost like it's real.

[C]

This is my whole life.

[D]

Yeah. I have so many backstories for leftovers.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Good Lord.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's great to go with philanthropy. That is a great move to play. Now, I will say, Michaela, I will say, if I may pitch on your great setup. I think what you should do next time you go to the store, actually buy something. And when you see someone in need, I would. And I think Eric will sign off on this. Make a karma play and throw that on the individual so that now there's a little.

[A]

Throw that on the individual.

[B]

Throw it.

[C]

Jake and I were left out of this karma play.

[B]

Well, Jake, Jake, Jake. I'm comfortable with Steve. Let's be honest. You buy the thing to give to someone else, what's going to happen? You're going to eat that all of a sudden. You know what I mean?

[D]

Sure.

[C]

Accurate.

[B]

So I would just.

[A]

I.

[B]

So I would. I would gift someone in need something as well, because then your lie is even tethered a little bit more to reality.

[A]

I would. My pitch to Michaela is do this for another year and then let's pitch a really fun way where you can reveal to your.

[B]

I got it.

[A]

That there is no I've got it on the show.

[D]

Does your husband listen? Like, is he going to hear this?

[A]

No.

[E]

And that's why I emailed, because he listens to advice podcasts, but like the lame kind when people have. I mean, I wouldn't say serious problems because some of these problems you guys solve are pretty serious, but he. He listens to the more boring kind of health podcast.

[F]

So I love this.

[E]

I know you would never listen.

[C]

I'm making a birdhouse and I need help with the. What kind of plywood.

[A]

Let's do this. Let's. Let's do a long play with you. Will you follow up with us? And we are going to plan something as a way to bring him onto this pod and reveal it to him. Would that be fun, him or no?

[C]

I would love that.

[E]

I would think this is so fun. He would probably start by rolling his eyes and then play along with it and think it's hilarious. And I think if I. My plan is to keep this going as long as I can. I've gotten some of my friends on this lie tube just because it's. It's been so foolproof so far. Yeah, it'd be hilarious to reveal this to him in this sort of way because you guys are the exact reason of, like, how my mind came to think of this.

[A]

This. Then we're going to be around for a while, hopefully. So let's plan on doing it to him in a year or so.

[B]

I agree.

[D]

But before that year is up, I want to volunteer. If you need someone to play this unhoused individual, I'll come up to.

[B]

A.

[D]

Whole bunch of cheese.

[C]

Come having had.

[D]

No. I love Winnipeg. I'd love to go back. Last time I was there during a polar vortex. I'd like to go during the summer. So if. Until that year is up, if you need someone to play this guy.

[A]

I have a shocking memory. We're not flying you out there.

[D]

I mean, there's a pretty good here to help budget. We'll see. I'm going to talk to Natalie. I'm talking to Natalie.

[A]

The checks go through me, King.

[C]

Hey, I have one quick question before we let you go, you ate half a pound of cheese. Now that is don't ask about the.

[A]

Dirty Ronnies or whatever you said, which is a scientific.

[C]

But like, but I mean, like I dream of being able to hold down a half, half a pen of cheese.

[A]

We appreciate the I dream of you separately.

[C]

You are superhuman. How would you hold down? Yeah, I mean, like, were you feeling like, man, I can actually dust the whole thing like after I have a pound of cheese and you were doing the thing.

[E]

Can I be honest?

[A]

No.

[C]

Cracker.

[E]

I'm like, God, yeah, I actually, I, I opened the package of cheese with my car keys because I didn't have scissors.

[C]

We would be best friends.

[E]

I, I, I think so. I think so. But I, I honestly, I think the fact that I was driving and not paying attention to how much I was eating.

[C]

Been there.

[E]

Made me not totally shit myself later.

[D]

Yeah, well, I want to know what kind of cheese was it?

[A]

Because you guys have a lot of go. We're getting in the weeds.

[B]

If these guys email you, please ignore them. Thanks a lot.

[D]

Next call, next call.

[B]

Thank you. Sweet God. Dusting it.

[D]

Do we have one more call left? Sweet. Jesse, we got one if you want it. Oh, yeah, we do.

[E]

All right, here we go.

[B]

Eric. Eric, running point. Hello there, caller.

[F]

Hey, how are you?

[B]

Good, how are you?

[F]

I'm doing well. Doing well.

[B]

Well, you're going to be doing better. Can we get your name, please?

[F]

My name is Ryan.

[B]

Hi, Ryan.

[D]

Hi, Ryan.

[B]

You can hear you've got the support. Steve Berg, Eric Edelstein and Jake Johnson here. What's going on? What can we help you with Ryan, or what? What was advice you've given him? What can we react to?

[F]

I got all four of you guys. This is great. I think you all appreciate this.

[B]

I'll be honest, it's probably going to go off the rails, but go ahead.

[E]

I feel like I kind of stayed.

[A]

On the RA.

[B]

A little bit. You remember the last call, right?

[A]

But just at the end.

[B]

Yeah, but that's where the rails start.

[C]

It's fun.

[B]

I think what you've, what we've done is manage the derailment maybe well take over.

[F]

So the best advice I had ever received is from my wife. And the advice was to embrace the weirdness and the hell yes, hell yeah, boom. The context behind that is that I have a good friend and former co worker who I've kind of lost touch with over the years. But when I first met this person, they would ride their bike into work every day and they'd have like the whole bike Attire like the short tight shorts and the tight shirt. He had like the Alex Rodriguez sunglasses. You guys remember those?

[A]

Yes, we do.

[D]

Oh yeah.

[C]

I love this guy already.

[E]

Oh, I love it.

[D]

What a great reference.

[F]

So he, he would come into work and this is like a face to face, like sales job. And he would change out of his top and put on like a button up and a tie, but he would leave on his shorts and his sunglasses and he would help out customers throughout the day in this attire.

[A]

Crazy.

[F]

And we had like regular customers and they, they wouldn't even blink an eye. They would be like, this is this guy, we've worked with him before. Like this is totally normal. And I was like totally thrown off at one point for like four months. This guy was on a banana eating diet.

[C]

Okay, sounds like Gareth with hard boiled eggs.

[B]

Easy.

[D]

Literally all he eats easy.

[F]

So he, so it was just like smoothies, like whole bananas to the point where he had a banana guy. And this reminded me of Jake a little bit with the, the tennis ball shooter thing. So we had a wholesale grocer customer who would come into the office and, and he would deliver groceries to different supermarkets. And you know how like bananas are too ripe, you can't, you can't give them to the supermarkets. So this guy would bring them to our office. He'd do like a side deal with, with my co worker and then we just have boxes and boxes of bananas.

[A]

I love this man.

[D]

Amazing.

[A]

And so what had, so you were getting weirded out. You're saying to your wife, I don't know if I can take it another second. There's bananas everywhere. He's wearing Alex Rodriguez gloves. Is, he's got a little tight booty shorts. And she said, hey, is he good at his job?

[F]

He was amazing at his job. Amazing. Like he was, he was definitely the top salesman there. And guys, he was shredded like he was, he was.

[A]

He'Ll be gone in five years. But what a body, what a body.

[B]

What a casket.

[A]

So Ryan, this is a great image. Visually. I see this guy. I love this guy. The final takeaway from this one, the advice you got was just when in crazy town, embrace it. Is that right?

[F]

That's right. And I'll tell you what, like this guy became one of my closest friends up there. He, he got me onto a slow pitch softball team which was a group of all like basically 70 year old doctors who have been playing like 45 years.

[B]

You're too jaundiced.

[A]

I agree with this advice a hundred percent, Ryan, because when you embrace that Character. They open you up to a whole new world. And you go like, oh, this world was right next to me. But it is so fun. And I never would have seen. Seen it.

[F]

That's 100% right. We, we would have like dinners on the company's dime like every month. And he would go all out like, he was like, we're gonna get steak. We're gonna have lobsters. This was after the banana diet. But he would also bring these like Captain Sailors hats. And he's like, we're gonna wear these. We're gonna have this speak.

[B]

I think, I think you're gonna get four keys turned on the advice of if you're get wild. A captain's hat is only going to help.

[D]

Party, babe. And we're all invited.

[A]

If this, if this show were the voice, we would all turn our chairs around.

[D]

Yeah, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[A]

We're all hitting the X or whatever, whatever button they're all doing now.

[D]

I get paid now and, and pay my rent through what I got made fun of as a kid for. Like, once you lean into your weird being a feel good good.

[C]

No, like, but did you, as a result of like kind of embracing this weird. Kind of like add some eccentricities to your own life?

[F]

Oh, absolutely. So I have a six year old daughter and you know, prior to meeting this guy, like, you know, growing up and kind of caring less and less about what people think, naturally we just like, do whatever. If there's like music playing at the grocery store store, we're like skipping through the aisles, spinning around, like just putting on a whole show. And I would not have that confidence if, like, other people in my life didn't have that same confidence.

[A]

Ryan, we loved you. We love. We appreciate the call. Brother Garrett, you got something?

[B]

I just have one question, Ryan. It's a yes or no. Before we let you go, could you eat a half pound of cheese in one sitting?

[F]

I. I wouldn't be able to shit for like 6 months. I would definitely not be able.

[B]

Cranky.

[C]

The cranky Ronnies.

[B]

Thank you, Ryan.

[D]

Thanks, Ryan. You're a rock star. Stay weird, brother.

[F]

Bye, guys.

[A]

You too.

[E]

Bye.

[D]

Okay, here we go.

[B]

You want to start a Jake?

[A]

Yeah. Hello. Hello. How you doing?

[E]

I'm on mute.

[A]

Well, you're off mute. How you doing?

[E]

Doing pretty well. How are you guys?

[A]

Good. We're excited you're on the show. You got the team from weird here to help, and we're here to help. You got Steve, Eric, Gareth, you got Jake, you got actually Jesse, you got Natalie, you got the Full house.

[B]

Tracy, Lindsay.

[A]

Tracy, Lindsay. Which is amazing. If we were ladies. Wow. What is your name? What is your issue? What was the advice? Just take over for a little bit.

[E]

All right, well, my name is Danae. The issue. Okay. So the issue was that my friend. We'll call her Jake, she was not super stoked on her husband smoking cigarettes. Understandable. But he had a habit. Yeah, so he had a habit of, like, if somebody was going out for a smoke break, like, while everybody was out, he might, you know, snag a cig or two.

[A]

Of course. Or a bum. Or have a drag.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Some of us are a little sensitive to smells and, like, you know, that shit follows you. So basically the issue was she wanted to get him to kind of just chill out a little bit on bumming figs from strangers and friends. And so what she did was. Or what they decided mutually as a healthy relationship pair was. And we'll. We'll call the guy Gareth. For clarity's sake, they made a compromise that whenever he's. Or whenever they're out and he wants to bum a fig, he has to give her all the cash in his wallet. Isn't that amazing?

[C]

That's so good.

[A]

So you're a little too.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

Everything in your wallet is mine.

[E]

So I, as a supportive friend and smoker, have started. Like, when we're all out and I'm going out for a smoke break, I'll just kind of pull her aside and be like, hey, does Gareth have cash on him in significant sums that he might be interested in copying, and that will determine whether or not I offer him one.

[D]

And are you getting a cut of that cash? Yeah, 20%.

[E]

Oh, you know what? That's actually a really good idea.

[D]

Take a video big time in favor of those Sigs. Sigs over vapes. Sigs are. Sigs are analog records.

[A]

I'm gonna go in another direction. Danae, I love. This was really fun. Can I ask you a couple questions?

[E]

Absolutely.

[A]

Where do you live? What area?

[E]

Ah, Denver.

[A]

Denver.

[C]

Mile high city.

[B]

You got a grocery store out there?

[E]

We do have a grocery store out there. Oh, sorry. Did you ask how old I was? I missed that.

[A]

How old are you?

[E]

Sorry, I'm 28.

[A]

28. Hey, Danae.

[E]

Yes?

[A]

I need you to stop smoking cigarettes.

[E]

I know.

[A]

A total fake out. It.

[E]

I have a five year plan, and let me tell you.

[A]

Stop it. That's insane.

[F]

Well, I think.

[D]

I think they're better than vapes. People are scared of vapes. I think the vapes are Worse.

[A]

I'm just saying stop smoking. The worst people in the world are got you addicted to this. They are killing you so that you go to a hospital and they get more money from you.

[B]

You, you. Another thing.

[D]

I bet you do.

[A]

You look so cool.

[B]

But denae, it is true. You stink.

[C]

Yeah, you stink.

[B]

You want you, but you don't even know you're walking back in there in your lungs.

[C]

It's.

[B]

And everybody's like danae stinks.

[A]

Stinks.

[C]

No, no. Nicotine on its. On its face is not bad. Not really bad.

[B]

Defending your habit, Steven?

[C]

Well, no, I'm just saying Eric is.

[A]

Trying to admit he's ripped a couple cigarettes recently. That's where this is going.

[C]

Triathin.

[A]

Isn't it going there?

[D]

Tracy, there is something called knickknacks. There is a medicinal quality to nicotine. I would even say maybe not Zinn. It was recommended by a healer. I'm a parody of myself. I'm gonna stop talking.

[E]

Well, I'll try it.

[D]

I wish none of this was true.

[A]

Hey, I have a kitten.

[E]

And my kitten has started like sniffing.

[C]

When I. Yeah, they don't like it.

[E]

Open the window to have a sick so for her.

[C]

Oh, you're doing it inside too.

[E]

It's out the window. I'm leaning out the window.

[A]

Guys, your cat's still getting second hand smoke. I need a moment.

[D]

You don't want to hurt your cat.

[A]

Eric, please. I need a moment of quiet. Danae, pot, kettle. You called in the show. You don't know why you called in the show. This is the beginning of you quitted cigarette. We're going to follow up with you.

[E]

You okay?

[A]

I want you to call in every three months. If in a year from now you don't stop smoking, what's the punishment? The other punishment is if he asks for one, he empties his pocket. We did a bet with Steve years ago that ended in a photo shoot where we created the Steve Berg hunk calendar.

[E]

Oh, and I can't wait to see it.

[A]

It's hot as hell.

[B]

Talk about smoking.

[A]

Well, first of all, if you quit smoking today, I will will send you the first copy. It'll be signed for free.

[C]

A whole merch package. You'll send.

[A]

We will send you a whole merch packet. And on it at every page of the calendar, he'll sign something that's a motivational speech of don't smoke this month too. Do you want something hot and burning? Look at this pick. Imagine something on fire in your mind mouth. Look at this pig. You want to burn up your body, baby. Look at this one. But Dena, we don't give that to you if you're smoking. And we need, hand to God, real truth. And I don't want to hear this. I tried. It was so hard. And then I had three zimas.

[D]

It's very hard.

[C]

We all, all, every one of us used to smoke. And we all smoked a black a day.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Can I tell you an amazing story? When I first met Jake Johnson, he was smoking and he decided he wasn't going to smoke anymore. So his method was. And it's to the root of who he is and I will always love this. He had an unopened pack of American spirits in his glove box that he stared at every day in his Hyundai and he didn't touch him. And he's like, this is how I'm not going to smoke. That cigarette pack is right there. I can't and I'm not going to touch it. And he never smoked again.

[A]

I did the same thing with booze. I got all my family, my favorite booze at home. I stared at. I did the same thing with weed. I had a little one hitter. I put it in my little shed.

[C]

I would.

[A]

I knew it was there.

[B]

Coffee. Gotcha. One sip a day.

[A]

So much today.

[D]

But today, no, keep with the coffee. You're okay.

[A]

Danae, are you doing this or not doing? If you're not doing it off. Thanks for the call. I will never talk to you again. But if you are, you want to be a part of this community, you want to call back. You want the hunk poster hand written by the hunk himself. You got to be smoke another.

[C]

Someone gave me great advice when I was quitting smoking. They said start cheese. That goes without saying.

[A]

He gave himself the advice.

[C]

Start moving back your when you start smoking. Like say, all right, next week. I'm not going to have my first cigarette till 2pm we're not doing this.

[A]

In a nine month period.

[C]

And it won't be nine months, but eventually.

[A]

Look, you want to know how you stop smoking cigarettes without any of this of in 37 days, stop smoking cigarettes. No one's putting the cigarette in your mouth and lighting it.

[E]

No, but it gives me a I'm not God's toughest soldier.

[A]

Yes, you are God's toughest soldier. You just believe when that cigarette goes to your mouth, spit it out.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

21 days to break it.

[C]

You got it, Danae.

[D]

Whatever helps most. This is really for unreliable narrators, but whatever Jake's method or Steve's method. Method. Take that, integrate it. We know that you're going to quit.

[A]

Integrated with Steve. I don't want her to go. I'm going to start smoking at 10am.

[D]

Then 11am, then 12pm it's weaning off, which might help until yours are nothing. Somebody putting an unopened pack in their car is crazy town. That works for you because you're crazy. Steve's way might work. Whatever way works. We're going to get her to quit. Reduction management.

[A]

How would you get her to quit? Quit.

[D]

I would do a nicotine lozenge. I. I would start with that. And then also be very.

[B]

Here's a good question. Jake, last time you had a cigarette?

[A]

Over a decade ago, Stephen.

[C]

Half a year ago, I probably had one. A little bit of one.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Eric.

[D]

Oh, maybe about eight months ago. And I. And I had it and my wife's.

[E]

Like, you're gonna feel sick. You're gonna feel sick.

[D]

And that is what happens. And felt completely.

[C]

They're not good anymore.

[D]

Stunk. I didn't. Yeah, Once you get to that point, that's a really great thing. You don't enjoy it anymore.

[A]

Hey, Gareth, how about you?

[B]

Yeah, probably about six years.

[A]

And how did you quit?

[B]

You know, the last time I was bumming, I was this guy. I was the guy emptying my wallet. I. I was a real piece of. But then I. It would make me buy more cigarettes because then I'd be like, oh, I socially smoked. So I kept falling off. Off. And then I basically did three weeks without it. And I swore I was not going to do it. I cleaned up everything, diet, I started working out. It fed into it. And at the end of three weeks, I said, I'm just not ever going to even have a puff again.

[A]

So six years later, about a decade for me, six months for Steve, eight months for Eric. Danae, how are you going to quit smoking?

[E]

Okay, I will. I will meet you guys in the middle. I will take you up on you being my accountability buddies. Over.

[A]

I like that.

[C]

Yeah, big time.

[E]

Yes. But I cannot quit today because I'm not equipped to have a tummy ache today.

[B]

Okay, that's okay.

[C]

I will say there's never going to be a good time to quit ever. You'll say, oh, the holidays are coming up. I'll start in January. I would. I would actually start tomorrow, but.

[A]

So, Danae, how are you going to do it? Because I'll tell you what I'm not going to do. I'm nearly 70 years old. I've been on this watch for a long time, honey bunny. This ain't my first merry go round I can't deal with in four months. We're having the same talk. I won't do it. Can't do it. Dress good, Play good. Play good. Pay good. You understand?

[C]

I don't.

[A]

So denae, if you're real, let's do it. If you're not, let's not. Not. Sorry, Natalie. Natalie told us to wrap it up.

[D]

All right?

[B]

You let us go.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

You got this.

[E]

All right, I'll. I'll start cutting back, and you might.

[B]

Get the cranky ronnies, but it's okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Lean into it. Yeah.

[B]

Thanks for the call.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[E]

We're here to help is produced by.

[B]

Rabbit Grim Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[D]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

[B]

Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Themed theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on we're here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

I've given you two chances. This great episode is now over. And now you got no excuse.

[B]

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[A]

So go to rocket money.com help to start saving today. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. You don't want them. They're unwanted.

[B]

So start saving [e-mail] help.