228: Perverts! & Chickens Are Dumber Than Dirt (With Lennon Parham)

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help" – Episode 228

Title: Perverts! & Chickens Are Dumber Than Dirt (With Lennon Parham)
Date: November 10, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Lennon Parham

---

Episode Overview

This episode is a quintessential mix of irreverent comedy, heartfelt advice-giving (qualified or not), and freewheeling tangents. Jake and Gareth welcome special guest Lennon Parham—actor, comedian, and Jake’s former co-star on “Minx”—to help them field calls from listeners in sticky personal predicaments.
The show’s two main arcs:

• One caller seeks a creative solution after losing a treasured family wedding heirloom.
• Another caller looks for help (and perhaps absolution) after encouraging her neighbor to adopt a giant, perpetually escaping pig.

Amid the advice, the hosts and Lennon deep-dive into behind-the-scenes “Minx” memories, joke about nudity and prosthetic penises, riff on family dynamics, and ruminate on the intelligence of chickens. The tone is loose, affectionate, sometimes profane, and always playful.

---

Highlights & Breakdown

1. Lennon Joins the Chaos

Timestamps: 01:17–15:51

• Jake ribbing Lennon about her Zoom settings:
  “You do the weird thing with your Zoom where you block the background.” (01:22, Jake)

• Lennon and Jake reminisce about working together on “New Girl,” where Lennon played opposite Bill Burr under Jake’s first direction.

• Quickfire discussion of “Minx” moving to Netflix and the rarely discussed second season:
  “No disrespect against Starz, but no one that I know watched that second season.” (04:41, Lennon)
  “I never saw the second season.” (04:51, Jake)

• The trio descend into an extended, hilarious riff about male nudity on “Minx”:
  “What I remember about that montage is I do remember a couple. . . it just seemed to be pubes.” (07:43, Jake)
  “If the bush is the buns of the hot dog, I didn’t see the meat.” (07:50, Jake)
  “There were some tiny little dicks in that montage.” (05:44, Lennon)

• Lennon earnestly reflects:
  “I wish that I had seen that montage as, like, a tween... It would’ve taken a lot of the heat off, like, the fear of the penis.” (05:51, Lennon)
  The guys demand clarification, leading to a candid and goofy discussion of adolescent sexual anxieties.

2. Advice Segment #1: The Missing Family Wedding Heirloom

Timestamps: 15:51–41:01

Caller: “Kylie” (Phoenix Metro, a pseudonym)

Problem:
Kylie lost a blue, lace heirloom handkerchief after her wedding/divorce—a hand-me-down that every bride in her family has used. Her cousin is about to get married, and the family will expect Kylie to pass the heirloom along. She’s dreading having to confess she lost it.

Discussion & Suggestions:

• The hosts and Lennon propose several solutions:
  • The “Fake Lizard/Replacement” Option:
    “Let’s call this the fake lizard. Let’s get you a handkerchief we beat up... You just go, ‘Here it is.’” (19:16, Jake)
  • The Blame-the-Ex Option:
    “What if you said to your cousin, I think my ex was such a dick that he jinxed it, so I want to start something new.” (28:22, Jake)
  • The Tall Tale Option:
    “What if you sent an email to everybody in the family? ‘FYI, my house was robbed ... they took my jewelry, my underpants, my socks, and the handkerchief.’” (21:35, Jake)
  • The Witch Hex Option:
    “You could say my friend is really weird and she’s really into witch stuff ... she went and did a spell and she burned that handkerchief.” (30:55, Natalie, producer)
• Lennon urges honesty at first, but Jake counters:
  “If your thought is walk in a straight line, you’re not calling us. She’s thinking, ‘How do I get out of this in the weirdest way possible that just might work?’” (24:31, Jake)

Roleplay (35:11–39:44):

• Jake and Lennon act out how the conversation with the aunt might go if Kylie confesses the handkerchief was lost in a (possibly fabricated) burglary.
• Lennon, as the anxious but supportive aunt, exclaims:
  “Oh, my God, they were perverts! A bunch of— I hope you reported it. Send me the police report.” (36:02, Lennon as Aunt)

Eventual Consensus:

• The team encourages Kylie to get ahead of the reveal. She’ll call her aunt, confide the story about the missing/robbed handkerchief, and engage her aunt in creating a new tradition together—thus saving face while respecting the family legacy.
• Kylie agrees and promises to update the hosts on how it goes.

---

3. Advice Segment #2: The Runaway Pig (“Frankie”)

Timestamps: 45:21–65:10

Caller: Monica (“My real name!”) from Charlotte

Initial Sidebar:
Monica vents about her boundary-challenged parents, but the real concern is the neighborhood pig.

The Dilemma:
Monica convinced her neighbor, Brian (50s, in recovery, chicken owner), to adopt Frankie, a 300-pound pig from animal care. Frankie repeatedly escapes, roots through neighbors' yards, and has become a minor local celebrity—with a dedicated Reddit thread and abundant goodwill but also some understandably frustrated neighbors.

Notable Quote:
“She keeps escaping and she’s causing a lot of ruckus in the neighborhood... She has a Reddit page now because she keeps getting out so often.” (47:52, Monica)

Key Context:

• Frankie is social, likely bored/lonely, and possibly acting out due to unmet emotional needs.
• “Chickens are dumber than dirt.” (54:25, Lennon) becomes a running joke and unofficial episode title.

Solutions and Comic Detours:

• Gift Frankie a buddy:
  “Maybe the pig is lonely. Maybe you need another pig.” (53:33, Lennon)

• Community pig-sitting:
  Jake pitches mobilizing the Reddit community for shared playdates or scratch sessions to keep Frankie engaged.
  “It takes a village to raise a Frankie.” (62:20, Jake) Gareth: “Entertain Frankie more, open Frankie up to new experiences... because the last thing we want in a city named Charlotte is to do anything bad to the pig.”* (61:44, Gareth)

• Build a better enclosure:
  The group jokes about the handyman neighbor trying everything but an electric fence, and how perhaps making Frankie’s life richer is a better solution than imprisoning her further: “I would say rather than trapping Frankie more, let’s free Frankie’s brain.” (64:38, Jake)

Action Plan:

• Monica will post a message on Reddit—crafted with help from the hosts—explaining Frankie’s backstory and inviting the neighborhood to take part in a pig enrichment plan.
• The hosts record a message to include on Reddit, blending earnestness and absurdity:
  “We’re kind of opening Frankie up to new experiences… If you have a family, come see Frankie… we want the pig to be happy.” (61:44, Gareth) “Lennon had a great thought: maybe the pig was lonely or bored because she’s trying to get out, get involved in everyone’s business, and maybe she just needs visitors.” (61:27, Lennon) “I can make you love me if you don’t.” (62:33, Lennon, singing for comic effect) “Get that pig some visitors. Cause chickens are dumb as dirt.” (62:44, Lennon)

---

Other Notable Moments

• Gareth jokes about sleep divorces: “My wife and I are going through… sleep I Love Lucy style. Yes, exactly. Clear boundaries. We had a sleep divorce.” (02:58–03:10)
• Riff on prosthetic penises used in TV: “The hardest was my penis goes all the way up to the top of my butt crack when you fold it over.” (11:24, Lennon pretending to be Eric)
• Multiple fake pitches about where the handkerchief went: Madonna, burglars, witches, etc.
• Running gags about “tossed salad and scrambled eggs” and Frasier:
  “This song has a whole new meaning. Frasier. How dare you.” (22:53, Gareth)

---

Notable Quotes & Time Stamps

• On “Minx” and Nudity
  “I wish I had seen that montage as a tween. It would’ve taken the pressure off… like, the fear of the penis.” — Lennon (05:51)

• On Family Traditions & Lies
  “If your thought is walk in a straight line, you’re not calling us. She’s thinking ‘How do I get out of this in the weirdest way possible that just might work?’” — Jake (24:31)

• On Chickens
  “Chickens are dumber than dirt.” — Lennon (54:25)

• On Escaping Pigs
  “It takes a village to raise a Frankie.” — Jake (62:20)

• On Embracing Community
  “If there was a neighborhood I could take my kids to... every Saturday for an hour and a half, nothing to do. 10:30 till noon. Let’s go see the pig.” — Jake (63:55)

---

Episode Structure & Flow

• 00:00–01:17: Ads, promo, Lennon joins show
• 01:17–15:51: Banter, “Minx” stories, male nudity talk
• 15:51–41:01: Advice Call #1 — Kylie & the Lost Heirloom
• 41:01–45:21: Ads/transition
• 45:21–65:10: Advice Call #2 — Monica & the Escaping Pig
• 65:10–end: Wrap-up, show credits, new “Minx” Netflix plug

---

Summary

Episode 228 of "We're Here to Help" delivers on its promise of dubious but heartfelt guidance through two memorable listener calls—one about family secrets and wedding heirlooms, another about rural animal antics gone suburban. Jake, Gareth, and Lennon Parham offer a chaotic medley of practical ideas, wild lies, role-plays, and occasional wisdom dressed in comedy. Their digressions on TV nudity, prosthetics, sleep divorces, and animal smarts punctuate a breezy, joke-heavy, and empathetic hour.

If you’re looking for actionable advice… well, maybe don’t—unless you need a reason to laugh about telling your aunt burglars are actually perverts who favor vintage handkerchiefs, or how a pig’s emotional needs might unite a whole neighborhood.

---

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[B]

Do you have what it takes to finish first? The App Store is packed with super fast, super fun racing games for every driver. From battling with your favorite characters in Disney Speedstorm to piloting one of over 400 different cars on officially licensed tracks in real racing. 3. It's all right here. Blast down the track with no limit drag racing 2.

[C]

Race and collect the latest and greatest.

[B]

Cars in CSR2 realistic drag racing.

[C]

Or even take over the International Car.

[B]

Racing arena with asphalt Legends and take on the toughest drivers from around the world with NASCAR manager.

[C]

Just visit the App Store to find.

[B]

These racing games and more and get ready to start your engines. Leave boredom in the dust on the App Store. Lennon. Lennon. Lennon. Welcome to the show. Admin.

[D]

Admin.

[B]

So your name on Zoom is Admin.

[D]

I did not know that.

[B]

And you do the weird thing with your Zoom where you block the background.

[D]

I don't want you to see the specifics of my son's bedroom.

[B]

Respect.

[C]

Just like an admin.

[D]

Yep. Keep it professed healthy bounds.

[B]

Well, first of all, Lennon, thank you for doing our show.

[D]

Thank you for asking me.

[B]

Lennon, do you and Gareth know each other?

[D]

We should, but we don't.

[C]

We do now.

[B]

And Lennon, we knew each other before Minx, but we got close on Minx.

[D]

Oh, I like that.

[B]

Did we know each other well before, in your opinion? Because I remember Minx was when I was like, oh, I'm hanging out with the big cat a lot here. Yeah, I like this lady.

[D]

I like. I like you too. I think before, the most we had ever hung out was when you put me in your first directing on New Girl. When you.

[B]

Oh, right. That is what it was. And you play. You and Bill Burr were a couple. That is where I was. I was trying to play. I was like, I know. We didn't just start that close on Minx.

[D]

No.

[B]

And what'd you think of that episode when you go back to Newborn? You guys played. Let's just get into it. Start the fucking intro. Start the show. We've been going for two hours and I haven't been sleeping a lot.

[D]

Oh, no. Really?

[B]

Yeah. Gareth just did his special. He drove 18 hours yesterday.

[D]

Jesus. I thought maybe you're getting a divorce.

[B]

Gareth and me.

[D]

Because of the double beds. No.

[C]

No. This is my home. This is. My wife and I are going through.

[D]

Sleep I Love Lucy style.

[C]

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yep. Clear boundaries. We had a sleep divorce.

[D]

That's a real thing?

[C]

It is for real. Yeah.

[D]

We probably did an episode about it. It's where you can no longer sleep in the same bed together, but you still love each other.

[B]

Then don't put the word divorce, okay? That's a term for sleeping, in other words.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

That is what it means. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. That is because they each need a different.

[C]

Yeah. Snoring. Things get worse.

[B]

Yeah. Respect.

[C]

Space.

[B]

Well, Lena, what the hell's going on with you? You. I haven't seen you a lot since we hung out. We had our hang.

[D]

We did. We had so many, like, weird, low chair, polyester suited hangs where we're waiting for the turnaround or whatever. And it was just you and me in the. In the anteroom, crazy seventies of the Getty villa.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Just chatting about poison ivy or.

[B]

Oh, yeah. All over my private parts.

[C]

What?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I got poison ivy all over my privates and my legs. Taking my dog down by the arroyo, letting her go off leash. And she went down there. Then I grabbed the leash and then put the. Went to the bathroom, I'm sure.

[C]

Okay, so we're. There we go.

[D]

And connected.

[B]

Had to wear the tightest pants. Yeah.

[D]

And furs and gold chains.

[B]

Jewel, what do you make of it? Miny coming to Netflix in November.

[D]

I'm so excited because I feel like, no disrespect against stars, but no one that I know watched that second season.

[B]

I'm going to put it like this, Lennon. I never saw the second season.

[D]

Well, I did. I got a $2.99 for three months. Great subscription to stars.

[B]

I couldn't get myself to get stars with a Z. Yeah. I felt like season one had great momentum.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I think Ellen was such a good showrunner. So sharp, gritty, so many great directors. Rachel was such a killer. We had such a fun cast, great writing.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Beth Morgan, with those wardrobes was so special.

[D]

She's the best. She's the best of the biz.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

The wigs.

[B]

The wigs were great. The amount of nudity. Your thoughts?

[D]

Yeah, I. I always said that. So you know the pilot episode had that big dick montage.

[B]

Yeah, A big montage with penis. Not the big.

[D]

With a ton of dicks.

[B]

There were some.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

If you haven't seen it, Gareth, there's some tiny little dicks in that montage.

[C]

It's good, though. It's got. You got to include them all. I think that's great.

[D]

And I was like, I wish that I had seen that montage as, like, a tween.

[B]

How come?

[D]

I think it just would have taken the pressure off, you know?

[B]

No, explain. I don't want tweens watching that.

[D]

Really? Yeah, I probably would have.

[B]

You have tweens?

[D]

I'm not gonna show it to my tween.

[B]

But you wanted. You said really? Like, it was shocking. You want other people's tweens?

[D]

Maybe when she's like, 15.

[B]

That's not a tween.

[D]

Just.

[B]

That's a teenage.

[D]

13 is a teen.

[B]

Yeah. Not 12.

[D]

Teen tween is a funnier word, let's be honest.

[C]

That's true.

[D]

So I said tween. Just kill me now. I. I just think it was very educational. I think it would have taken a lot of the heat off of, like, the fear of the penis. You know what I mean?

[B]

That. No, I don't, as a guy. So explain what that means, the fear of the penis.

[D]

Well, when we grew up, basically, we were taught as young women that we had to keep it tight, keep it right. Like, not engage, not involved, not lure any sexual attention, lest we be attacked with a giant penis. And I just think if I knew that's what was coming for me, I would have been a lot less worried.

[C]

Yeah, I get that.

[B]

I guess seeing myself naked growing up, I knew there wasn't much to be afraid of.

[C]

Yeah, you knew. You knew.

[B]

You got. You ladies are fine.

[C]

Yeah, you knew. You posed no threat.

[D]

Nah, I posed no threat.

[C]

I posed no threat.

[D]

Yeah. Anyway, that's my two cents.

[C]

That makes sense to me, just because.

[B]

What I remember about that montage is I do remember a couple. Would it just seem to be pubes?

[D]

Full bush. Yeah.

[B]

And there wasn't much. If the bush is the buns of the hot dog. I didn't see the meat.

[C]

Oh, so kind of buried.

[B]

It was Dr. Ken in the Hangover, if you remember.

[C]

Oh, I remember.

[B]

Dr. Ken came out and I thought I got a lot of respect for that guy doing this because just looks like a bush to me.

[D]

Was that. Do you think that was prosthetic? A prosthetic?

[B]

No. But I will say Eric Edelstein, who is a big member of our show now.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

In this community, was on, and we're going to talk to him about it too, Gareth. But he. I got him a part of that show as the dj. He and Sam Levine and Eric.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, he's in both seasons. That's right.

[B]

Yeah. But just killed it. Like, his performances. The dj the best, though, and those two together was great. But what we didn't know when we were talking about this part for him was there's an episode he's in where his wife is giving him a hand job and Uses Tabasco sauce on it.

[D]

Jalapenos, right?

[B]

Jalapenos. Yeah, jalapenos. To burn his dick because she's mad at him.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And what we didn't know was, in the stage direction, it wrote, like, his tiny dick.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So he actually had a prosthetic, but they did such a good job that it looked real. So Eric was calling me furious, saying, what do I do? I was like, well, you're an actor. What do you mean, what do I do? He goes, it looks like it's mine.

[C]

What a great part.

[B]

I was like, eric, I swear to God, I didn't know this when he was like, everyone watches this. You gave it to me.

[C]

Oh, man.

[B]

And the truth is, I totally related to him. Because you're like, right? I. I wouldn't want to be in thing where it's like his character takes his pants off, he's got a tiny little. And you're like, what are you going to say in press? Just so everybody knows, that's not my. My dick is bigger than that. Yeah, you can't do that. That's an insane thing to say in press.

[D]

They'll cut it out.

[C]

You ask.

[B]

Yeah. You got to at least say it.

[D]

You got to say so.

[B]

You just got to like, what do you love about this season? Like, the writing so good. My dick is bigger than what it was represented in episode 10, for instance.

[C]

The small penis scene was such a great scene. The way they made my pe small. It was just great because it's not bad.

[D]

Say, you know what's so funny is because they used real jalapenos, they couldn't use my real huge penis.

[B]

So let's.

[C]

That's a great way to do it.

[B]

Let's try this. You're Eric doing press. I'm gonna. Let's see if you can naturally get it in.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Hey, everybody.

[D]

I'm Eric.

[B]

We're here with Eric. So, Eric, tell us a little bit about Minx this year. The season's been so, so fun. The adventures of Joyce have been great. Tell us a little bit about what you're excited about.

[D]

Oh, my God, these characters. Right? All these incredible actors.

[B]

Yes. Such a great cast.

[D]

The writing. You know, I. I'm. I'm thrilled to be here. It's an honor. When Jake called me on the telltale, I said yes and. Yeah, right. Because that's how we started in improv.

[B]

But Jake didn't call you. You probably had to take a meeting with Ellen.

[D]

Well, that, too. I did put myself on tape. That's true.

[B]

Yeah, you got the job.

[D]

Yeah. To keep going anyway. Yeah. And then they also, they took my character in a really fun direction.

[B]

What did you like about playing him?

[D]

You know, what I loved was, you know, how rude he is and how just he just says whatever he wants.

[B]

Is it fun saying those rude comments?

[D]

It sure is. Because that's not at all how I am. Just how. Just like how my penis is a lot bigger then it is on. Because that was a prosthetic because they had to put jalapeno on so they had to fit me. It was a two hour fitting with Carly and Sue. I was butt naked in the small part of the trailer and they had to really tape down. That was the hardest because my, my penis goes all the way up to the top of my butt crack when you fold it over. And so it was really hard taking the tape off afterwards. But anyway. Yeah, so my penis is huge.

[B]

Thanks so much, Eric.

[C]

Just picturing that in that like little like cross shooting setup.

[D]

In this hotel room. It looks a lot like where you are right now.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Yeah. All right. Should we start the show?

[C]

And we're brought to you by Zell. You know, recently I sent my father some money. He was not expecting it. I wanted to buy him a nice big dinner. And so I buy a lot of dinners. I don't know if you've heard that, but I want to buy him a sushi dinner. He eats sushi in Wisconsin. He's rolling the dice. But what are you going to do? It's what he likes. So I, I use Zell. I sent him money. I said go have a night on the town. Go get your Wisconsin sashimi, you know, and then maybe I'll give you some more when you got to go to the doctor the next day. No, but in all seriousness, it's a great way to do a nice gesture. I like it when I get sent money through Zelle. I like send money through Zelle. It's the holiday season. You might just want to send someone some money through Zelle just to make them feel good. But whether it's a big moment or a small moment, Zelle is here for you so you can be there for them for those that you love. With Zelle, the money is there when you need it. The funds go directly into their enrolled bank account. You couldn't make it easier. So when accounts send Money with Zelle Zelle.com and we are brought to you by Sol. Look, holiday season coming up, you know how it is. You're maybe indulging in the booze a little too much much. Maybe you want to take it easy. That's where Seoul comes in. SOL offers us out of Office gummies instead. Same fun vibe, low in calories, zero hangover. You know it's difficult when you're, you're, you're drinking the booze, you're missing your workouts. Well, you're not going to get that with sole. With the out of Office Gummies. It's a wellness brand that believes feeling good should be fun and easy. So they specialize in delicious hemp derived THC and CBD products designed to boost your mood and help you unwind. Their best selling out of Office gummies were designed to provide a mild relaxing buzz, which they do. There are some nights where you know if you're feeling like, ah, I want to unwind but I don't have a cocktail. That's where the out of Office Gummies or soul products come in handy. They'll boost your mood, enhance the creativity and relaxation. There's five different strengths too, so you can tailor the dose to whatever you're feeling. Take advantage of Soul's Black Friday Cyber Monday deal. Now, for a limited time, get 40% off your entire order. Go to GetSoul.com and use the code here to help. That's GetSoul.com promo code here to help for 40% off. Don't miss their best deal of the year and we are brought to you by Angry Orchard. Angry Orchard Hard Cider welcome to freaky season. Officially, Angry Orchard has partnered with the Jason universe this fall to bring some new sweet treats. You're getting a new limited edition Glow in the Dark thriller pack that includes four unique flavors including Blood orange inspired by the Jason special collectible Jason Crisp apple. 16 ounce and 24 ounce cans. And last but not least, just in time for movie nights, Sweet Revenge, a 13 minute short vignette that brings Jason back to the screen for the first time in 16 years. Directed by Mike P. Nelson. Grab Freaky Good cider from Angry orchard@angry orchard.com Halloween and while you're there, watch the new Jason vignette Sweet Revenge and shop the collab merch. Hello. Hi, how are you?

[A]

Good. How are you doing?

[C]

Good. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name please?

[A]

Yeah, I'm going to go with Kylie.

[C]

Kylie. Great fake name. Kylie. Where, where do you live or not live? Doesn't matter.

[A]

I live in the Phoenix Metro.

[C]

All right, Kylie, listen, we're just gonna jump in. You got Jake, you have me. But we also have a great guest Helper. We have Lennon Parm joining us today. We also should point out Minx is coming to Netflix, so that's part of the celebration here.

[B]

We already said that in the intro. Yeah.

[C]

If you want to handle the intros going forward, Jake, just do it. I'm just trying to hook you up here, my guy. We don't know, Kylie.

[B]

What can we do?

[A]

I love Minx.

[B]

Kylie, take it away before Natalie tells us to have you take it away.

[A]

When I got married five years ago, my aunt passed down a family heirloom to me. It was a blue handkerchief with white lace that kind of every bride wears in our family for, like, the something blue and borrowed tradition. But shortly after my wedding, I kind of went through a messy divorce. And somehow in all of that, in a move, I lost it. And now my cousin is engaged, and I realized that recently my family's probably expecting for me to hand it over to her. And I really don't want to tell my family that I lost it. So what do I do when my family asks me for it? And what can I do? Or what can I do before they ask?

[B]

First of all, Kylie, excellent setup.

[C]

Yep. Clean.

[D]

I think she. You read that off the page, right? You had written that down, because that was too.

[A]

I did.

[B]

Yeah. Good call, Lennon. But that's okay, because it was. That was a master class chef's kiss. This is a really, really tricky one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So how long were you married and what do we call in this? Axiours.

[A]

Oh, gosh. I. I was only married a year. And we'll call him Richard.

[B]

Richard the Dick.

[A]

Because he was kind of a dick.

[B]

Yeah. So married for a year to Richard. Realized you married the dick. Let's get him out of here. But you had a handkerchief that was passed down. And in that chaos of that year, Kylie, you don't even know what happened.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Life comes back into focus, and it's gone.

[D]

And there's no way that it's, like, in your underwear drawer, like, rolled up in a ball or something?

[A]

No, I've looked everywhere. I. I do not have it.

[B]

Is Richard connected to anybody in the family?

[A]

No.

[B]

Everybody hates him.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, definitely.

[D]

Do you have a photo of this handkerchief?

[A]

So it's actually, like, typically worn underneath the dress. So none of my family members or I have, like, a photo of it, and I didn't take a photo of it.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

This is.

[A]

But I did send an image in that was similar.

[B]

Fine. No, we don't need to. This is perfect. Kylie, did you ever watch television shows in the 80s and early 90s.

[A]

A few.

[B]

In almost once a month or so, there was an episode about something that happened, like the pet lizard disappeared or the turtle disappeared, the replacement. And they just brought in a different one and nobody knew anything else. Yeah, we're talking about a handkerchief that goes under dresses. It gets passed right now from one to another, but nobody's studying the thing. Let's call this the fake lizard. Let's get you a handkerchief. We beat up and you never telling you, you just go, here it is.

[A]

Yeah, I definitely thought of that. I think the. The only kind of issue I have with that one is because if I give it to my cousin and my aunt notices, it's different. Yeah, I'm kind of screwed.

[B]

No, you're not. Here's one. They bring it up to. You go, this is the one I was given. It's the game of telephone. That's not true. And then they go to the person who passed to you, and they go, it wasn't that. And you go, this is what I was given. What did I call in a podcast and come up with an idea? Do the fake lizard. That's insane.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, and then also my mom and my other aunt have had the same handkerchief. But, yeah, it's been a long time. So that. That could definitely.

[D]

Years ago.

[A]

That's fair.

[D]

For what? For her grandmother to be weird.

[B]

Oh, that's right. I think he's a mom. Yeah.

[D]

Her mom and her.

[A]

Yeah, my grandma had it, and then my great grandma.

[D]

Wow. It's old. Can you look old? Can you look on. There is actually a thing called replacements.com which has, like, china. So, like, if you're missing a piece of china, you might be able to look on there for, like, a pattern or you could go on ebay. They have a lot of old vintage stuff you can find.

[B]

But what do you think, Kylie, about this idea of the replacement? Because there's other pitches.

[A]

Yeah, I think that it's a solid one for sure. And it's definitely something I've thought about. I guess I. I would be just a little anxious if they comment on it. I guess I could be like, yeah, well, this is the one I was given.

[B]

I got an idea. I got an idea. Look, it could seem out of left field. What if you sent an email to everybody in the family? FYI, I'm totally safe. Nothing to be worried about. My house was robbed.

[C]

It's a good start. You what?

[B]

My house was robbed. What the. And they go, What? I. And you go, I'm totally fine. They Just took my jewelry, my underpants, my socks, and the handkerchief.

[C]

Weird list. Some weird. You included underpants because of what Lennon.

[D]

Said, but jewelry because all they're.

[B]

All they're gonna say is, thank God you're okay. How.

[C]

How close are we with this cousin?

[B]

You're just moving right on from that girl.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. No, expected a different.

[A]

Pretty wild.

[B]

We're gonna pitch on it, but keep going about the cousin.

[C]

The underwear really tossed me. How close are we, cousin?

[D]

Yeah, now we're talking.

[B]

Thank you, Lennon. Very good. Just saying what you're thinking. Yeah.

[D]

Stream of consciousness.

[C]

Tossed salad catchphrase.

[B]

Oh, baby, I hear the blues are calling.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Tossed salad and scrambled egg.

[C]

This song has a whole new meaning. Frasier. How dare you.

[B]

It makes Frasier make a lot more sense.

[C]

Yeah, it really does.

[B]

So coked up, Kelsey Grammer. Of course he's.

[C]

Don't mind if I do.

[B]

Okay. Something about cousins.

[C]

Gareth, how close are we with the cousin?

[A]

Oh, I. I'd say like, we. We talk maybe once, twice a year. So not close.

[D]

What's the fear? What's the fear that, like, who are you most worried about that will get upset with you or get up? Like, are you. Disappointment. Like, who are. What's the fear?

[A]

Yeah, I. I guess probably I'm worried about my aunt the most since she's the one who gave it to me because she was the one who got married last before I did.

[D]

What's like, the worst that could happen, though? Like you say, you know, I went through this shitty divorce. I wasn't tracking the specifics of. Of the. That stuff because obviously I was in it and I needed to get out. And I'm realizing as I'm coming up on. Is it her daughter that's getting married?

[A]

No, no, different.

[C]

Okay, that's good.

[D]

Yeah, I'm really. Guys, as I'm coming up on my cousin's wedding, that I don't have it anymore, and I feel so terrible, how should I proceed? What do you think I should do? Should I go get a new one?

[B]

No, Lennon, I don't think we go this route. And I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you why. And this is because you're a.

[D]

Truth is not good.

[B]

I'm going to tell you why.

[D]

Yeah, I hear you.

[B]

We've been doing this for now 230 episodes. Yeah, if she wanted to do that, she wouldn't have called. Okay, if your thought is walk in a straight line, you're not calling us. She's thinking, how do I get out of this in the weirdest way possible. That just might work.

[D]

I'm just noticing that she was so worried about it that she did not even give her real name.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You know, and so there is a real undercurrent of fear here.

[B]

Yeah, it's real.

[D]

In the family of disappointment. Maybe. You know what you should do? I'll take a page out of the podcast.

[B]

Talk to us.

[D]

Say, last weekend, randomly, you got invited to Madonna's house. Okay. And while you're there, she took the handkerchief, which you carry on because you love it so much, you carry it in your fanny pack. Okay.

[B]

This is a good.

[D]

And she, she. She went through your fanny pack because they search and sees every everybody that comes through Madonna's house.

[C]

Madonna.

[D]

It's Madonna. You got to keep her safe. Got to keep Lourdes safe. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So in it, they find this handkerchief, and Madonna is so creatively inspired by it that she says, I need to keep this. Can I keep this? I want to design my next tour after this floral pattern.

[B]

So, Lennon, just to talk this one out. Which is an interesting pitch.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, what happens when the next tour has nothing to do with this weird old handkerchief?

[D]

Well, she's retired. She's not touring anymore.

[C]

Yeah, that's a future problem, Jay.

[B]

She just stole it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Then the next crazy comes. How'd you get on his house?

[D]

You can't go. What? I, I. Whatever. What's your job, Kylie?

[A]

I basically help other people find jobs.

[D]

Oh, like a recruiter? Yeah. So Madonna's nephew. Son called you, and you got him a kick ass job at Apple. Okay. And Madonna wanted to thank you and invited you to her.

[B]

Hey, Lennon, I'm going to take the reins from you and hand them to Gareth for a little bit. This is me taking the utensils out. I'm gonna let you cook, sir.

[C]

I'll take a fake penis and lemonade. I do think. I think we need to lie. I think we have to lie, Lennon. I lie. I. Sorry. I think I. Kylie, I, I like Lennon's idea that maybe you look for a replacement, something that you can give your cousin that. And I don't think we lie about it not being the original. You could try to keep it like that, but I like the idea of maybe engaging the aunt. But maybe we engage her with. And what if you said, look, you know, I went through this divorce. It was horrible. I, for the past year, in preparation for this wedding, have had to contact my ex, who I despise, and he is being a real piece of about this handkerchief. He has it. He won't give it to me. It's been very difficult for me. I'm unable to secure it. I feel terrible. I was going through so much with this relationship that I. It was lower on the tier of worries I had. As this date is approaching, I feel guilt. Will you help me pick a replacement? And can we kind of do this great idea together and something like that? So then maybe you're, like, helping her kind of feel like, can we start the solution tradition? Yes.

[B]

I really want your office, Kylie, in that zone. What if you said to your cousin, I think my ex was such a dick that he jinxed it, so I want to start something new.

[D]

I do like that he put his stank on it.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

He.

[B]

I don't want you. It was a wonderful tradition. So we're taking the best of it from Nana and Mama. But our generation. Our generation. The weasel.

[D]

Caroline.

[B]

Caroline Frazier. Daphne. Richard put his stink on it. And guess what? I think he's. And I think he stole it. So I got one. And I don't want the ant and everyone to know because, you know, those.

[C]

Old.

[B]

They'Ll go crazy. But this is for us. And you want to know what it is? It's the handkerchief of 2025. Okay.

[A]

Do you want me to go directly to my cousin?

[B]

You don't tell the older ladies.

[A]

I have a. I have a.

[B]

Okay colon. If it's anything to do with Madonna, say.

[D]

Shut up. Shut up. Okay, I want you to go buy an embroidery kit. I want you to cut a piece of fabric the same size as the handkerchief. And I want you to embroider or sew or whatever you want iron on all over it, so much so that it's unrecognizable. And you could write her initials on it. You could write the date of her wedding, anything to make it personalized. And then you can say to her that you did your own spin on it. It. It's the same handkerchief. But she won't know that it's not the same handkerchief because covered it in embroidery and personalization for her.

[B]

But imagine her telling her grandma that.

[D]

Who?

[B]

Yeah, the new one going.

[C]

Her aunt.

[B]

Yeah, Kylie did like a bunch of weird stuff.

[D]

She did a bunch of work. She did a bunch of work on it.

[B]

Why did she ruin it?

[D]

Well, that's that. But they wouldn't say that to Kylie's face. And Kylie could dance the night away to Bruno Mars. Kylie, this is Natalie. Do you have any weird friends you could blame this on and just say my friend is really weird and she's.

[A]

Really into witch stuff.

[D]

And she wanted to break this curse.

[A]

That Richard the Dick left on my marriage.

[D]

And without me knowing, she went and did a spell and she burned that handkerchief.

[A]

And I'm really sorry, but it's not my fault.

[B]

And by the way, Natalie, I actually love that. And then you go. And so we got this one, which is similar, but can we keep this between our generation? Because the witch also said this has great energy, and that one carried all the negative energy of the past.

[C]

Do you think the ant is going to want to be a part of any of this stuff where she will find out about this, Kylie?

[A]

She'll. She'll definitely know. Like, she'll. She'll definitely. She'll probably reach out to me and. And kind of have that conversation of me passing it to my cousin.

[C]

See, that's why I would say get ahead of it and engage her. Like this problem emerged. But I like Natalie's pitch of that happened. I mean, it's better than losing it.

[D]

If someone does something, it's not your fire fault.

[C]

And I think if you go to her and you're like, this is a problem. And I feel like you, I want you to help me pick out the new one or design the new one or find the new one or something like that. If she's gonna find out anyway, you may as well just, you know, it's like you had this terrible situation. Why not use it as a little bit of an excuse to your benefit it in this time? But you could do. I. I think you could do the Natalie version where you do you say, like, a friend of yours thought it had bad juju or, I mean, again.

[B]

So, Kylie, we've been talking about a replacement. We're talking about the ex husband has it. We're talking briefly. And then it got pushed over that your house was burglarized.

[C]

And not in a bad way. Jake. We all.

[B]

We talked briefly about Madonna, wanted it for her next tour, but then she retired. We talked briefly about a witch burned it.

[C]

Sometimes it's funny to hear the list of pitches and what Lennon said at.

[B]

The beginning, which was very dopey of her, is why not just be honest? So as you can see, Lennon, the reason not to be honest is because of all these great ideas. Kylie, with all these really smart ideas presented to you, the witch, Madonna, the burglar, the replacement, what do you think you're gonna do?

[A]

I honestly think that I really like the idea of kind of going to my aunt and maybe. Maybe making up kind of a little bit of a lie of being like, hey, you know.

[B]

Hold on. Stop. Let's do it. Lennon, will you be the aunt?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What? Kylie, what's your give? Lennon, she's truly one of the greatest actors I've worked with. I'm not making a joke.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

You know I love you.

[D]

I love you, too.

[B]

Monster talent. Funniest. Can be in a wonderful hang.

[D]

This has been wonderful.

[B]

Kylie, can you give her a little bit of direction she can sink those big cat teeth into? Because you want to give an artist, you got to give them some colors. Who is this character she's going to be playing?

[A]

Oh, gosh. A little bit. How do I. How do I describe my aunt?

[B]

Country. Little rock and roll.

[C]

Icy.

[A]

Not at all. No. Like, kind of the opposite.

[D]

Super warm.

[A]

Very. A little bit high strung.

[B]

A little bit wheelhouse.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's from lover to pieces.

[A]

No, no.

[D]

Denver.

[A]

She lives in another state.

[B]

Southern, northern, Western. Yeah. Midwestern. Where are we talking? What region?

[A]

California. Oh, California.

[B]

Okay. So little high strung California. Tries to keep it all together. She caught you. Call her on the phone. Kylie, we go to that phone call in three to Piggly and.

[C]

Nope. Hello?

[B]

Kylie? Hi.

[C]

Anthony.

[D]

Oh, my God. Where do I have this pleasure? I love you.

[A]

I know it's been a second. Just. Just wanted to call you because I. I realized, you know, I woke up in, you know, the dead of night realizing that I probably have to pass this handkerchief that you gave me five years ago.

[D]

This tradition. And my marriage is going great. How's yours? Just kidding.

[A]

And I. I just wanted to. To call you because I wanted to let you know that my. My house was robbed and.

[D]

Are you.

[A]

I can't find the handkerchief anywhere.

[D]

They took the handkerchief.

[A]

They took the handkerchief and my underwear, and it was awful. But.

[D]

Oh, my God, they were pervert. A bunch of. I hope you reported it. Send me the police report.

[B]

No way. Would you say that I will.

[D]

Oh, my gosh. That is so traumatic. I think you got to get out of that apartment building.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was. I was hoping that maybe we can get together in the next few months and, you know, maybe pick out a new, you know, tradition moving forward for. There's something blue and borrowed, you know. Really, really sorry.

[D]

You know, I'm just glad you're okay. And if you want to come for a weekend, we could just make a doily weekend of it. Just make a bunch of doilies, you and me. And then we'll dye it blue. And. And Shannon will. Will. Won't know the difference? Because she's not that smart anyway. Right?

[A]

Right. Okay.

[D]

Thank you, auntie.

[B]

And then what you could say, Kylie, is maybe we could keep this between us.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, hey.

[B]

I'm not kidding around, Kylie. You did a great job.

[C]

Great job.

[B]

I think that's actually, by the way.

[C]

Especially going rogue with the robbery pitch. I did not think that was going to be the one.

[D]

But, yeah, yeah, you couldn't bring yourself.

[B]

Yeah, but the way you responded, I think, is exactly how the app would respond, Len. And what do you think? You know her.

[D]

And then she may call your mom and be like, what happened? Tell me the deeds.

[B]

If she did, Kylie, how would you react to that with mom?

[A]

You know, they're actually not.

[B]

They're not close.

[A]

They're not in the best place together, so I don't think that would be a possibility. But we can do it.

[B]

All right.

[D]

If you want.

[B]

Piggly. And your mom's calling.

[D]

Kylie. Kylie. God, what is she. What is she doing? She's always. She's always. Oh, hey. What's going on?

[A]

I'm sorry. I'm confused. Am I my aunt or am I myself?

[D]

No, you're yourself. You're yourself.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah. We're not cutting out that this is happening.

[D]

Hey, you're. You're. Hey, my sister. My sister called me. You know, that. That must have taken a lot for her. She said you'd been robbed.

[A]

Yeah, I. I was robbed, like, about a week ago.

[D]

What happened? You. Why didn't you call me and tell me?

[A]

I've just been. It's just been crazy. But anyway, they took a bunch of stuff. They took.

[D]

What did they take?

[A]

My underwear and. What? And they took my. Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

They just completely ransacked my dresser. And. And they Also. Grandma's handkerchief.

[D]

Oh, not. Not a bella y from the old country.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[D]

They were looking for antiques. I've heard about these gangs that are roaming the streets of Phoenix. Where? Arizona. And it is. You have to. Were you leaving your door unlocked? You got to get out of that apartment building.

[A]

Yeah, I thought. I thought we were in a gated neighborhood, so I thought it'd be okay, but, you know, it was a bad move.

[D]

Are you okay? Were you there? Did you come home? Were you at work? Work? You work from home? What's happening? Where were you?

[B]

Were you at.

[D]

Were you at the mall?

[A]

I was just. We were just out, like, on a date. You know, my fiance and I. Oh, that's nice.

[D]

Where'd he take you?

[A]

And we just. We yeah. We left the house unlocked when we were and then we came back like an hour later.

[B]

Okay, Kylie, this is gonna work. Are you really gonna do this?

[A]

Yes, I am.

[D]

I promise.

[A]

I promise.

[B]

Will you record your side of the call, not theirs, just so we can put at the end of this call you saying on the other. So all. We don't even need to hear her. I don't want to get in trouble with hearing her without her consent, and I don't. If you say it's being recorded, it'll be wrong. But just to hear you go, yeah.

[C]

I. I think you're lucky that. That Lennon is helping us on this one too, because that we're probably not gonna have to deal with that level of intensity, but it's good to have the ankle weight practice out of the way.

[B]

Yeah, I think it's gonna work. You're taking a big chance here. But if you do it, man, good luck. This will get you out of it. Good luck.

[D]

Congrats on being engaged.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Thank you. Guess what? You're gonna need it back soon.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Thank you for the call. Please follow up with us with what happens.

[C]

All right. Thank you, Kylie.

[A]

All right, thank you. Bye.

[B]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the Great Squarespace. If you've been listening to our show at all, you know we use Squarespace. It's how people build websites. I don't think if you're going to build a website, there's no other term. It's squarespace. I'm going to start saying, do you have a squarespace? Which means, do you have a website? What's your squarespace? Huh? Sorry? Website. It's like Q tip.

[C]

Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. My website is a Squarespace website. I use Squarespace. It is the greatest. My website looks awesome. I love Squarespace. We use Squarespace on the show all the time. We use it probably every 15 episodes. We pitch a Squarespace because we know people can use is so user friendly. You can offer your services. They have cutting edge design tools. You can build a bespoke online presence like I have that perfectly fits your brand or business. People go to my website. They're like, this is bespoke. There's SEO tools. What a great way to get discovered faster. You're going to be integrated with Squarespace SEO tools. Your website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, auto generated sitemap and more.

[B]

Check out squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[C]

And we're brought to you by Kachava. Oh my lord. I have told you over and over again people how much I love cachava. This is the greatest protein powder I've ever come into contact with. Nutrition off the charts. It's delicious. I have it in my hotel room right now while I'm on the road. Really is just for your whole body. Great nutrition. I. I mix it sometimes in with my smoothies. Sometimes I just do it with some water, with some oat milk, whatever it is. But it's all day energy because it's got five key vitamins and minerals. Keeps things regular with the fiber, the probiotics and the enzymes. Replenishes your muscles, your protein. You need the electrolytes, B vitamins. I cannot say enough good about cajava. Right now I'm rocking the chocolate, the rocklet. But I love their chai. I drink it every day. I have cachava every single day. But their flavors are chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, coconut, asahi and strawberry, which is their latest one. And I. I'm not gonna lie, I'm maybe a little partial to that one. Your future self will thank you. Go to kachava.com and use code here to help for 15 off your next order. That's K A C-H-A-V-A.com kachava.com code here to help for 15 off uncommon goods.

[B]

The countdown is on, folks. Holiday season is officially here. Time to get gifts for your most loved ones, your mildly loved ones, your close friends, that guy Todd at the office. Everybody needs a gift. What are you gonna do? I'll just find something online. No, I'll put it off. I have a suggestion. Go to Uncommon Goods and I'm gonna tell you why. Uncommon Goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique, high quality finds you won't see anywhere else. You don't believe me? Go to the website.

[C]

There's something for everybody. From moms, dads, kids, teens, book lovers, history buffs, die hard, football fans, foodies, mixologists, avid gardeners. I'm not kidding, everybody. Your postman, your milkman. You've got something for everybody. So when you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists, small independent businesses. Because many of these handcrafted products are small batches. So they're just made in Small batches. So you shop now before they sell out, before the holiday.

[B]

So don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush. To get 15 off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com here to help. That's uncommongoods.com Here to help. For 15 off Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. We got another one we could do.

[A]

Yeah, we've got another one.

[D]

You ready?

[B]

Ready. That was great. Landon, you want to start us?

[D]

Oh, okay.

[B]

However you want to. Just let him know you're here.

[A]

Hello?

[D]

Hi. Hey.

[A]

Can you hear me?

[D]

Yes, we can hear you. Hi. My name is Lennon.

[A]

My name is Lennon. My name is Monica.

[D]

Monica, nice to meet you. I'm here with Jake and Gareth, and we're so excited to talk to you. Is Monica your real name?

[B]

Don't ask her.

[A]

It is my real name. It is, yeah. It is my real name. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have much to hide.

[B]

Cool.

[D]

How could we help you?

[B]

Well, let's hear a little bit more about Monica.

[D]

Yeah, no, right to the question.

[A]

Well, you know, you can help me for a lot of reasons today, but the main reason that I. The reason that I need help today is not the reason that I'm calling. That's besides the point.

[B]

Well, quickly, then. What do you need help with in real life, then?

[A]

Oh, well, so I live in Charlotte, but I'm calling from Connecticut, and I'm here for a wedding. And my parents have just decided to show up at the place that I was at lunch at with my husband without telling me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's just like. It's like an episode of Seinfeld at all times.

[B]

What does that mean? They're following you around. You don't want them around.

[A]

Yeah, they just, like. There's just like, no boundaries.

[D]

Was there a reason that Was something going down with your husband at the restaurant that you, like, didn't waste, like, interrupt? Do you guys not get a lot of time together or, like, it was your weekend away?

[A]

It's just their lack of boundaries and, like, pork. There's. There's a lot of other, like, external factors. Like, my brother lives far away. I live far away. They want to spend time with us, which is great. They just. They just lack, like, general. Just boundaries overall, I guess, is the best way to describe it.

[D]

And this has been a lifelong thing.

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[D]

Have you ever said to them that you want it to be different, Lennon?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Do you remember the last call?

[D]

I'm just curious. I'm honestly asking.

[A]

Guys, she's calling about a pig.

[B]

Can we get to the pig?

[D]

Okay.

[C]

What? Okay, Natalie.

[A]

So my real problem, My real problem.

[B]

By the way, Natalie, you're killing it today.

[C]

She's calling about a pig.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

Talk.

[A]

This is. So her name's Frankie, and about five months ago now I convinced my neighbor to adopt a pig from Animal Care and Control in Charlotte. And she keeps escaping and she's causing a lot of ruckus in the neighborhood and she's going into other people's yards and like, rooting and messing with their dogs and eating their plants. It's gotten to the point where, like, he can't fortify his backyard anymore and she keeps getting out. And she has a Reddit page now because she keeps getting out so often.

[B]

Is that true? So people are so mad that there's a wild pig running around Charlotte.

[A]

I mean, I don't think they're mad. I think that it's not like a small pig. It's like £300. You have a picture?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Pig chair. Yeah, she's a big.

[A]

She's like a hog.

[B]

Yeah, that's a 300 pounder. Yeah.

[A]

So, yeah, I didn't realize how big the pig was when I told him about it, but, like, he full sent it and adapted this pig.

[B]

So Frankie just pushes past that goddamn fence and just walks around and eats people's garbage and fucks with their lawns. God bless.

[C]

And you feel, you feel a sense of guilt because you pushed the pig. You're the pig pusher. And now you got an out of control pig. And it's kind of your fault a little bit.

[A]

It's totally my fault.

[C]

So now what are we gonna do? So, but what is.

[B]

So what is the. Is there any more setup? Monica.

[A]

Other than that she just keeps getting out and the neighbors are upset and they're upset with my neighbor.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not me. And I keep having to, to like deflect and stick up for him. So is your neighbor politely.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What's that?

[D]

Is your neighbor.

[A]

Yeah, he's a little annoyed.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And what's your neighbor? Is your neighbor your age? Can we get a picture of who we're talking about here?

[A]

No, we'll call him Brian. I don't. He's a little older. He's in his 50s. He's in recovery. He's got about 12 chickens and a roommate.

[D]

It.

[B]

Why the roommate?

[D]

Are you like hanging out?

[B]

Is that there?

[A]

Well, the roommate was gone for like six months when he adopted the pig. And now the roommate's back.

[B]

So you don't live in the kind of community where it's normal that there's a 300 pound pig is what I'm gathering. This isn't a. This is a country living.

[A]

No, I live like three miles from uptown Charlotte.

[B]

Okay, so this is either in the city or pretty suburban living. And it's odd. Well, first of all, it's od it odd that there's 12 chick. That there's 12 chickens?

[A]

I mean, kind of. But a lot of people in Charlotte for some reason have chickens, so.

[B]

Okay, so chickens is socially acceptable, but a 300 pound pig is odd.

[A]

I think it's just more frustrating that she keeps getting out and like messing with people's stuff.

[C]

It's the escaping.

[B]

Okay, so what specifically can we help you with today? Are we trying to cage Frankie? Are we trying to figure out a way to put the blame on you? Are we to apologize to. I'm guessing o'? Brien? What is the specific question? Because both calls are about boundaries.

[A]

I feel like I'm trying to convince him to get rid of the pig now, but he's really committed.

[B]

And what would happen?

[A]

He doesn't. Well, if we have to find a place for it to go, I don't want to bring it back to animal control. You do?

[B]

Who?

[C]

Yeah, your parents.

[A]

Oh, I can't give it to your parents.

[C]

They.

[D]

They need.

[C]

They need a place. They need a place to lay all their affection. Get them the pig. This is a perfect project for the folks.

[D]

All you need is a van big enough to drive from Charlotte.

[C]

We have Lennon. We have a van. We're here to help.

[B]

We actually do have a weird.

[C]

We have. It's in Chicago.

[A]

Is this a Chicago van?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And I don't know if they're gonna want to be involved in it.

[B]

Is there any world. Hold on, Monica, before we go down this insane road, is there any world where you would ask your parents if they wanted to do you a big favor and adopt the pig?

[A]

I absolutely would. There's just one problem.

[B]

What? They live in an apartment building?

[A]

No. They moved to like an ho or not a 55 plus community after they retired. No, they can't do it.

[B]

Okay. All right. So that's. Yeah, we don't even have to go down there. But was a great beginning of a pitch.

[A]

It's not bad.

[B]

Okay, so we're tr. Trying to figure out. So you want. You know, I'm just going to say, and I know our listeners are going to get mad. Is there any way we could donate it to a place That's a restaurant.

[D]

No.

[C]

What? No. Off the table.

[A]

North Carolina is known for its barbecue. I do understand where you're coming from.

[C]

My opinion, unfortunately, we have. We have to solve this without a returning it. It to where it came from and be eating it. We're not eating it.

[B]

We have to.

[A]

She's a nice lady. She doesn't deserve to be eaten. I agree.

[C]

But you. You. You brought.

[B]

Say that while eating pork, you brought.

[C]

This into the world. We have to figure out a way to get it somewhere where it's another acceptable situation.

[D]

Maybe the pig is lonely. Maybe you need another pig.

[B]

Thanks for coming in today, Lennon. We're gonna actually.

[D]

Pig. The. The pig becomes friends with Frankie. Okay. Because you. What's. What. I don't know what's happening with you and Brian that you're, like, giving him life advice.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So maybe there's an opportunity here.

[A]

He's a handyman. He comes over and, like, you know, helps us with yard or house stuff. And I mentioned that there was a pig that needed adopting, and he was like, I'll take a pig. I don't want a dog. But a pig sounds good.

[B]

Wait. I've got a real pitch, you guys.

[D]

I just Googled it, and pigs are.

[A]

Social creatures, and they get bored when they're by themselves.

[D]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

You're really smart.

[D]

They're very smart, and they're very social.

[A]

And they're very smart.

[C]

Smarter than dogs, so.

[D]

And chickens are dumber than dirt. So, you know, he's, like, not talking to the chickens.

[B]

Yeah. Other than dirt. Line and bar. You have to put her first and last name on that merch, though, is. So It's. What we're kind of getting at is the reason Frankie's escaping is because she's lonely.

[A]

She's bored hard, or you have to play with her.

[D]

They're really smart.

[A]

I got her a toy. I got her a hurting ball, and she broke it.

[B]

She popped it because she was playing.

[A]

And then I got her.

[D]

She's like, what the is this? What is this? Dumbass.

[B]

Really quick, Lennon, you're the voice of Frankie the pig. We just gave you the ball. Your thoughts in three, two, Piggly and Mo.

[D]

What the fuck is this?

[B]

Thank you so much.

[C]

Okay, we'll be in touch.

[B]

So are we. I just want to know what we're pitching. Are we all going in? And this is a question to you, Monica. Are we leaning into this idea? Because I think this is way sweeter than the other ones, but that Frankie just needs a friend. And the Way we can almost do this is through the community. Meaning if you have a dog, when you take your dog for a walk, bring the pig. We need help as a community to entertain Frankie. Frankie was only brought here because Frankie was in need. So let's fix this problem together. We have a bored ass pig.

[A]

We do now. Okay.

[C]

There's a risk. There is a Reddit with a lot of posts.

[A]

It's got 89 posts, I think. 490 views.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I'm looking at it. Yeah. Google spotted on Bentley Place in Country Club Heights today. You'll see Frankie. He's there.

[B]

So here's what I'm kind of thinking we do is you go on Reddit right now and post.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

I am the person responsible for the pig. I asked my neighbor to have it because she needed to be adopted. She was in a bad situation.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

What?

[C]

I'm just looking at this post. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Did you find it?

[B]

Yeah. Literally just walking down the street, the.

[C]

Pig looks like got laid off.

[B]

That also, I mean, obviously it's the turn. The pig, it's getting pretty big. It needs some exercise. I don't think she lost, but I don't think a pig's supposed to look like that. That's just a rectangle.

[C]

There seems to be some goodwill towards the pig.

[B]

Frank is adorable. Yes. Frank the Tank was a volunteer favorite.

[C]

So I would say what we need is. Well, keep going, Jake, but I think you're on the right side.

[B]

Definitely her. She's very good at escaping her. But the entire neighborhood knows her and keeps an eye out to bring her home. She's something of mascot over here. That's amazing. I'm so sad I don't live in the neighborhood laughing my ass off. So this is a lot of love.

[C]

A lot of love.

[B]

I think we post on there saying mention our show.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

I was just on. We were here to help the podcast and one of the experts, Lennon, one said chickens are as dumb as dirt. And two, yeah, something about Madonna. But then our producers saved her.

[D]

Don't worry.

[B]

Different color. No, but they'd say one of the experts on that brought up the idea that Frankie is escaping based off of loneliness.

[C]

Yeah, boredom maybe.

[B]

Boredom. Maybe as a community we could come together to find ways to entertain Frankie. We could do it in shifts. We could sign up on like, you know how you have in a neighborhood. Yeah, but you have like in a neighborhood, you have like the communal library, a meal, train a little everybody. You have like a sign up sheet to spend time with Frankie to see if it helps the problem.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, everyone. Most people. Most people have dogs. And she seems very interested in. Well, she seems very interested in the neighbor's dog dogs, and my dog is not interested in her, so I do feel kind of bad.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I think that we could have, like, some sort of, like, visiting hours for her.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Where everyone comes up. She likes the back scratcher.

[B]

Yes. You could literally have a. You know what you could do? You could have a zone if your neighbor is into this, where people could essentially take the pig out.

[A]

So they don't necessarily walk like dogs when she gets out. It's quite a. An experience.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because she doesn't. If they don't, they. She doesn't really walk. You have to kind of, like, basically, like, push her, and that's quite disgusting.

[B]

I've never heard of somebody escape in jail because they got pushed out of their cell, push down the street.

[A]

She takes her whole body and just, like, leans on the fence until she can get under the chain link.

[C]

It also sounds like we got to build maybe a better system to keep Frankie in. But I. I do think post in the Reddit for. Look, twofold. One post in the Reddit suggests what Jake just said. And I also think if we have people listening who have. Yeah, maybe a more suitable situation, we could be open to that as well.

[B]

But also. Yeah, we're airing this. Did you have something, Gareth?

[C]

No, I just think just. Just open it up to the community. Because even just scrolling through that, it seems like people have interest in this.

[B]

Let's do this really fast. Let's make a pitch for the people of the community right now that we can send you as its own little clip. And you just put this right on Reddit.

[C]

Yes. Good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Does that make sense?

[A]

Okay. Yeah, that'd be great.

[B]

Okay, so let's do it in. I'll start us in three, two, one. Hey, everybody. My name is Jake Johnson. These are my friends Gareth Reynolds and Lennon Parham, and we are doing the show. We're here to help. It's a podcast. We hope you all listen to it. We're on Reddit right now talking to you because, as you know, the neighborhood has an issue with Frankie the pig leaving her yard and walking around. And Lennon had a great thought. Lennon, go ahead.

[D]

Well, I just surmised that maybe the pig was lonely or bored because he's trying. She. Excuse me. Frankie is trying to get out and get involved in everyone's business, and maybe she just needs some visitors or some walks or.

[B]

So, Gareth, what Were you thinking about that?

[C]

I think what we're looking for is to bring some business to Frankie, make Frankie's life better, entertain Frankie more. We're kind of opening Frankie up to new experiences. Yeah. Just some fun. If you have a family, come see Frankie, make Frankie's life more interesting. Because the last thing we want is in a city named Charlotte it to do anything bad to the pig. We want the pig to be happy.

[B]

So they say it takes a village to raise a baby. But what we say is it takes.

[C]

Go ahead.

[B]

It takes a village to raise a Frankie.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Lennon, take us out.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

In closing, Lennon, go ahead.

[A]

I can make you love me if.

[D]

You don't.

[B]

Get that pig some visitors.

[D]

Cause chickens are dumb as dirt.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you, guys. That was pretty excellent, I think.

[C]

I don't know. Why do two takes when one did it all?

[B]

I think that was pretty good.

[A]

Was fantastic.

[B]

Flip that and send it to Monica.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Monica, will you post that on Reddit today and start it saying yes. Hi, guys. I am the person and explain the story that what happened with the neighbor and explain the situation that you guys don't know what to do to fix it and you feel terrible, but you don't know what to do at this point. So you called this pod looking for help and this is the best we have. But say like, we're looking for help. We all have a situation. I feel sad for Frankie and I think we could fix this.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. She just needs some friends.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

So could you please follow up with us? Because I think this could turn into a very positive thing for the neighborhood. And Frankie, if there was a neighborhood I could take my kids to, especially when they were young.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Every Saturday for an hour and a half. Half. Nothing to do. 10:30 till noon. Let's go see the pig.

[D]

Yeah. And you've got people posting that they would love. They wish they lived in that neighborhood. So maybe people will drive and then.

[B]

Maybe the handyman could build a little area that Frankie could go out to that's not in his yard that people could scratch a little back.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Give it a carrot.

[C]

Back scratchers, some snacks. Also, he's a handyman. Let's fortify this. This pen a little bit.

[B]

But rather than lock the guy, I.

[A]

Will send some pictures of what he's done. It's. It's pretty funny. He's done everything except really put up an electric fence. When my follow up, I'll send some pictures.

[B]

I would say rather than trapping Frankie more, let's free Frankie's brain.

[C]

Yeah, that's right. Free Frankie.

[B]

I don't want a better. Let's just get Frankie. Let's give Frankie the best life we can and see if that old son of a bitch goes those. Why escape paradise?

[A]

This is true. Yeah. I mean, the chickens are boring. You are right.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

They are. Yeah.

[C]

No, it's true. They are dumb.

[A]

Hey, they don't do anything.

[B]

Will you please follow up with us?

[A]

Yeah, I will. I will. I'll post it today. And.

[B]

And also, did you watch Minx at all the show?

[A]

I have not.

[B]

You have stars?

[A]

Yes, I do.

[C]

Do you really?

[D]

All right.

[A]

I have no idea. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I don't think it's on Netflix. It's coming to Netflix in November.

[B]

Hold on. You have stars and you didn't watch me?

[C]

I don't think she has stars. I think she's. She doesn't have stars.

[D]

She doesn't have stars.

[A]

I don't have cable.

[B]

Oh, nobody's cable. Where do you think it is?

[C]

Maybe I hear the blues are calling.

[A]

Scrambled eggs. I do have Netflix, though.

[B]

Okay, well, it's November. Check out Minx in November.

[D]

Let us know what you think.

[A]

I will.

[B]

All right. Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you for doing Lennon.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

What a performance. Bye, Monica.

[B]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[C]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions Executive producer Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer, Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only. And all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[D]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon. And season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.

[C]

What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone, and we host the Mess Around a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on Headgum.

[B]

Now here's the thing.

[C]

Every single week we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

[D]

That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

[C]

Which is just two BFFs having a good old time. Okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Waynes jr. And your dad. We talked to your dad on this show as well.

[D]

Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.