229: Muffin Beef & Vision Board Loophole (with Ophelia Lovibond)

Summary

We're Here to Help

Episode 229: Muffin Beef & Vision Board Loophole (with Ophelia Lovibond)
Podcast by Headgum | November 12, 2025
Guests: Ophelia Lovibond

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Episode Overview

This episode finds hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds in high spirits as they celebrate the arrival of Minx (the show Jake stars in) to Netflix. They’re joined by Minx lead actress Ophelia Lovibond. Together, they take calls from listeners with delightfully quirky dilemmas, from a workplace muffin snub to an elaborate plot to dodge an 84-year-old grandmother’s drinking rituals. Throughout, the tone is warm, irreverent, and full of supportive energy—true to the show’s brand of offbeat “helpfulness.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Minx on Netflix & Creating a Podcast Community (01:51–08:09)

• The episode kicks off with Jake’s bittersweet announcement: Minx is now on Netflix, but without much promotional support.
  • Jake shares nostalgia for the show’s cancelled run:

    “It felt like we were writing a book, and in the middle of it, it just stopped.” (03:51)

• Gareth notes the unique qualities of a show set in the 1970s and the fun directions it could have taken.
• The hosts discuss the evolving nature of their own podcast, emphasizing how unsolicited advice—no matter how silly—sometimes genuinely helps people:

  • “When this show’s long dead and buried… the reason that we’re really loving it is a lot of people have written in with really hard things… and this insanity… has helped.” (07:01, Jake)

  • “We might be falling into something that, dare I say, could save a life.” (07:58, Jake)

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2. Caller #1: Muffin Beef at the Pest Control Company

Guest: Santos from Coachella Valley
Main Segment: 12:15–31:31

Summary: Santos works at a pest control company, and his wife’s home-baked goods are the office hit—except with one coworker, “Joe,” who refuses all offerings. Joe is notorious for gorging only on certain store-bought lunches, to the point that management buys inferior food (Little Caesar’s) just to curb his gluttony. Santos wonders: does Joe’s refusal of the baked goods mean “beef” with him? Or does Joe simply not like baked goods?

Memorable Quotes & Exchanges:

• On local attitudes toward Coachella:

  • "How annoying is it for locals when Coachella happens?” — Jake (12:37)
  • "Super fucking annoying." — Santos (12:40)

• On Joe’s behavior:

  • “Every single time that I bring something, he’s in the room... They offer it to him—no, I’m good. No, it’s okay. Every single time." — Santos (15:30)
  • "He’s crushing the lunch, but he’s having none of the baked goods.” — Gareth (16:54)

• On Santos’s motivation:

  • “Why do you care?” — Ophelia (23:11)
  • "I care for her, because it’s great. I think everybody should try." — Santos (23:20)

Advice & Brainstorming:

• “The Sting Operation”:

  • Gareth pitches: Get Santos’s friend to present the baked goods as his own wife’s, to see if Joe will eat them (26:36–27:08).
  • Jake suggests a data-driven approach: Get everyone in the office to list their favorite baked good next to their birthday and have Santos’s wife make Joe’s favorite. If Joe still refuses, it’s personal. (20:58–21:48)
  • Ophelia suggests hiding a coin (or cash) in baked goods, referencing a British Christmas tradition—sparks laughter and skepticism (23:55–25:03).

• Caller’s Final Plan:

  • Santos decides he’ll coordinate “the sting” with a coworker:

    “I’m gonna get my wife to just make one of her delicious baked goods… and have [my friend] say his wife baked them.” (28:11)

  • Jake counsels patience: "Don’t confront him, call us back and we’ll plan the next step." (30:26)

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3. Caller #2: Vision Board Loophole & Grandma’s Booze

Guest: “Red” from Sheffield, England
Main Segment: 33:08–56:10

Summary: Red is about to visit his wife’s grandmother in Quebec, an 84-year-old woman with whom he has bonded over copious amounts of alcohol—including 9 AM vodka shots. The twist: Red’s 2025 vision board says “no alcohol all year.” With only weeks left to go, he asks—how can he honor both the vision board promise and this cherished family ritual, especially since grandma is eager for their next drinking session?

Memorable Quotes & Exchanges:

• On Red’s first breakfast with grandma:

  “She offered me vodka, I slammed it... apparently you're supposed to sip it, not slam it.” — Red (35:34)

• On Red’s vision board:

  “This year… I specifically said I’m going the whole year without drinking alcohol.” — Red (36:56)

• Jake’s uncle-at-the-bar wisdom:

  “This is as dark as it gets in a dark night… Drink with the old woman for God’s sake.” (39:08)

• On Jake’s vision board reversal:

  “I was anti vision board until this…” — Gareth (44:27)

Advice & Brainstorming:

• Fake-out Techniques:
  • Use non-alcoholic beer, wine, and mixers; keep them in his room, swap at every opportunity (40:38–41:48).
  • Gareth suggests: “Bring an empty bottle of Monkey Shoulder [whiskey], fill with apple juice and use for yourself.” (46:57)
  • Ophelia: “How good are you at faking being drunk? Drunk acting is actually quite hard.” (47:15)
• Physical Methods:
  • Ophelia floats the idea of a spittoon or “secret tube” for stealthily and theatrically disposing of drinks (48:53–50:18).
  • Jake expands: "A tube… that goes to a little bag. The bag goes in your pocket. You cover your mouth, pour it into the tube..." (49:50)
• Emotional/Relational Approaches:
  • Jake: “Do it as a tribute to her late husband—just drink wine in his honor, with 0% wine for yourself.” (48:03)
• Vision Board Loophole:
  • If Red gets caught, he drinks with grandma but extends his no-drinking vow beyond New Year’s as compensation (55:24).

Caller’s Final Plan:

• Red enthusiastically decides to create the “tube rig” for stealthy drink disposal. If caught, he’ll accept the loophole and push his dry period to March.
  • “Because I have two weeks, I’m gonna try and make the tube.” — Red (54:51)
  • “If you get caught, you make a joke of it. ...and then you say ‘I love you... let’s drink.’ That’s a loophole on the vision board because you tried your hardest.” — Jake (55:21)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Ophelia on British Christmas pudding:

  “In the UK… at Christmas time, you put money in the Christmas pudding. It’s quite normal to put money in baked goods…” (24:12)

• Vision Board Inspiration:

  “Let’s… for this new year, everyone start vision boards—put the dumbest things you want to do in 2026… That’s what a vision board’s for.” — Jake (45:31)

• Red on childlike goals:

  “I wanted to keep the child inside me alive… so I always throw something stupid on there.” (46:07)

• Ophelia’s Parenting Dream:

  “I dreamt I was just asleep with Robert Redford… not spicy… just sleeping, and then I remembered he’s dead.” (51:59)

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Timestamps of Key Segments

| Time | Segment / Topic | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------| | 01:51 | Minx on Netflix; bittersweet reflections | | 05:12 | Show’s podcast community & caller appreciation | | 12:15 | Caller 1: Santos, Coachella & Muffin Beef | | 15:30 | Santos describes coworker “Joe’s” odd habits | | 18:01 | Assigning “Joe” a pseudonym; lunch sabotage | | 20:26 | Solutions: secret survey, “sting,” coin-in-cake | | 26:36 | “The Sting Operation” detailed plan outlined | | 28:11 | Santos commits to the operation | | 33:08 | Caller 2: Red, UK window cleaner & Quebec grandma| | 35:34 | Red’s drinking rituals with grandma | | 36:56 | Red’s vision board dilemma revealed | | 39:08 | Jake’s “uncle in a bar” intervention | | 40:33 | Faking cocktails; non-alcoholic tips | | 46:57 | Apple juice in whiskey bottle ruse | | 49:01 | The “tube” plan—to stealthily dispose of drinks | | 54:51 | Red settles on the tube; plan if caught | | 55:36 | “Vision board loophole” agreed upon |

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Episode Takeaways

• Beneath the heavy humor, there’s real appreciation for listeners’ lives and the ridiculous human need to figure out social puzzles.
• The collaborative advice—wild plans, pranks, and emotional honesty—captures both the foolishness and the warmth that drives communal problem-solving.
• Ophelia Lovibond fits right in, bringing fresh energy and irreverent British traditions to the table.
• Both callers left with multi-step strategies (and encouragement to report back), upholding the show’s blend of silliness and actual support.

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

This episode is a stellar example of “We’re Here to Help” at its best: silly advice with genuine heart, group brainstorming, and camaraderie with both guests and callers. Whether you’re trying to solve office mysteries or honor a vision board loophole at the family table, Jake and Gareth (with a British assist from Ophelia) serve up practical, hilarious, and—sometimes—truly helpful solutions.

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Go watch Minx on Netflix. Make your own vision board for 2026. And for answers to life's weirdest conundrums, the guys are here, laughing and scheming right along with you.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[Lamorne Morris]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Jake and I'll tell you, how does it feel?

[Jake Johnson]

It feels unfunded by Netflix.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

It feels. We created Minx Week because Alan showrunner wrote to me and said, hey, short to the whole cast, hey, the show's coming back. Netflix bought it. And I contacted somebody on my team and said is Netflix doing any press for it? Would they want to partner up in any way? And no word back. So it's a show that I love. I think it's really fun and I hope everybody checks it out. So we had some members of the show come on and guest for the fun of it. And today is the lead of the show, Ophelia Levy Bond, who I loved working with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's great. I mean show too. It must be in because you really I remember when the show was like not coming back, you were very upset. You felt like it didn't get the shot it deserved. So now it is. It's Netflix is going to help.

[Jake Johnson]

What I really was sad about was it was a show about people starting a business in the 70s and there was a lot of really fun characters and there was, I thought, really fun places to go. So I was really excited for the future. The 80s. Yeah, I was excited for if you run A smut magazine. Like, my character, for sure, he was going to start failing. And you're like, well, what happens when this dude puts some white powder in his nose? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, his downfall is going to be so fun to do. Yeah. And so I was like, and it's so clear. He gets murdered middle of season three. You're like, just the character Doug Retti. I was like, oh, it just didn't get to finish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I was like, oh, they would. Ellen was writing him so well. He was so clean. Beth Morgan, who did wardrobe, just knew what these people should look. I was like, it was just working. And I was like, all right, we'll give it a little bit of time to cook, and we'll figure out what this thing, like, how this story ends. It felt like we were writing a book, and in the middle of it, it just stopped. Yeah. And you're like, other things have been on other things that stop. And you go, like, I think that's fine that it stopped. Yeah. No, this one was like, this one didn't finish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's also that the, like, the piece being in a different era, there's so, like, knowing the era is going to influence the character.

[Jake Johnson]

80S are going to happen. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, what an error to go through, too.

[Jake Johnson]

But all of a sudden, leave from the 70s when all of a sudden they start dressing differently, they get shorter.

[Santos]

Ha.

[Jake Johnson]

Guts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All of a sudden, capitalism really becomes king. It's a lot less groovy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You're like, oh, that's gonna get really fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Well, I mean, the truth, like, okay, so let's just say everyone go watch Minx on Netflix. That helps. That helps get the show. If you get the show on the top 10 part there. Tell, tell. People share about the show, Watch the show. But Opilia was great, and we have a couple of great problems with her.

[Jake Johnson]

Today and had a pretty great day today of calls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. We really do say it all the time, that we just are astounded by how much fun the show is to do and how great our audience and our callers are. Because every problem today, I mean, we were just laughing the whole time.

[Jake Johnson]

So fun, these problems.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's.

[Jake Johnson]

There's going to be something coming up, everybody, that I hope defines the next era of the show. And it might not, but you're going to. You're going to see an attempt. It's about the popcorn, follow up, and you're going to. You know, we've been doing stuff where friendship games and playing around and the community jumping in more, and we got a van going to Ravinia, and what are we doing? And I'll tell you what. Gareth and I don't know. There's nobody driving this ship. Jesse Natak. Nobody really knows. We're just experimenting. And the experiment might all be happening for this reason. If this thing lands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think we do. We do. Even though we are giggling throughout this. There are times where people's lives get better or a problem gets solved.

[Jake Johnson]

If it's by 1%, it. The show's worth it, and that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That happens. And it is great. I mean, we love to hear about that. And we do feel accomplished, and we know we're goofy and idiots and we fall short sometimes and we give bad pitches. And there's certain types of people, like, hey, don't dig up a body on that property. It's illegal. Whatever. But there is something where we were, like, both of our eyes kind of lit up in the sense of, like, oh. Like actual. Real, real.

[Jake Johnson]

When we. The truth of the matter is when this shows long dead and buried and we're looking back at it together, the real takeaway is, you know, the reason that we came back and the reason that we're really loving it is a lot of people have written in with really hard things happening in their life and how this insanity, which is really for me and for Gareth, we hung out for three hours together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's fun with, like, a great activity with a great. Rather than us being like, should we drink?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like, I don't want to, but I'd like to decompress press. But if we're gonna. If Gareth and I actually were just hanging out in person, we would have to drink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What else are we gonna do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

We'd be like this. We would hike for an hour and be like, that's cool. And if you're like, I'm here for three more hours, we would eat and then be like, yeah, should we have to? Yeah. Or should we have random people call in and have funny things? And we could all discuss it together?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way better.

[Jake Johnson]

And so all of a sudden, we might be falling into something that, dare I say Gareth could save a life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what a great cliffhanger.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody. Enjoy the show and go watch Minx. Go watch Netflix.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Santos]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

How are you?

[Santos]

Good, good. How are you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

We're doing great. What's your name, please?

[Santos]

My name is Santos.

[Jake Johnson]

Santos. What a cool name. Yeah. Where are you calling from? Santos.

[Santos]

Thank you. Thank you. I'm calling from the Coachella Valley.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that where Coachella is?

[Santos]

Yes, sir.

[Jake Johnson]

How annoying is it for locals when Coachella happens?

[Santos]

Super fucking annoying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go. Thank you. Thank you.

[Santos]

It sucks, I bet.

[Jake Johnson]

Does it get. Is it getting worse each year or just a consistent suck?

[Santos]

I mean, it's pretty consistent. It's also consistent when, like, you. You've worked, like, retail and, like, fast food, you know, when that sucks. So, you know, you get your. Your normal, and then you get your. Your annoying out of town, where you're just kind of like, well, you're out of town. So what can I really tell you, sir?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, it's cool that you get both varieties of asshole, though.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I was thinking the same. It's nice to have a variety of asshole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, exactly. That's a wild line. You just said affiliate. So what? It's nice to get a variety.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I'll tell you what else. It's not the first time I've said.

[Jake Johnson]

I know about you, young lady.

[Santos]

Honestly, I think it keeps. It keeps things interesting, I think. Right?

[Lamorne Morris]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Santos from Coachella likes a variety of. You are with Gareth and I and the star, the lead of a show that I did for a couple years called Minx who is a ton of fun and a great actress, just kills it when Minx is now on Netflix. You have Netflix, Santos?

[Santos]

Yes, sir.

[Jake Johnson]

I'd like you to watch this show. Now, here's what you're going to realize. If you haven't seen Minx yet, there's a lot of dicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, a variety of dicks. Instead of the front, I might enjoy it.

[Jake Johnson]

Then you might something different. Ophelia Laviban is joining the pod. Ophelia, welcome to the show. Thank you very much, Santos.

[Santos]

Yeah, so my little problem here is I work at a pest control company, and I have a wife that loves to bake. So when I'm telling you she loves to bake, she makes. I mean, you know, this. This can come out of a bakery, you know, it's. It's great. And we brought about four different items on to the. To the guys, you know, to try out, and they loved it. Every time. Every single time. It's a knockout. From crumb cake to coffee cake, from, you know, talking to cookies and just all sorts of things.

[Jake Johnson]

The cookies, they look delicious.

[Santos]

Yeah, so. They're so good, man. I mean, honestly, they don't last.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Santos]

Oh, everything. She makes everything. Donuts, carrot cakes.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus.

[Santos]

Those are donuts, man. Can you believe that? We live in a studio and she's popping that out.

[Jake Johnson]

Looks like a variety of get some dough. Does she just drop that? I mean, that's why I love it.

[Santos]

I think she does it all because she does it all on our stove, man. Our stove and our oven. So. But I just have this one co worker, which I need you guys to help me out with. I don't know if it's beef or if he just doesn't with, you know, baked goods. Wow. But every single time that I bring something, he's in the room. Everybody's, like, enjoying it, right? Like, oh, this is great, Santos. Like, it's so good. They offer it to him now. I'm good. No, it's okay. Every single time.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Santos]

Yeah. Every single time. And then the thing is too, like. So here's the thing. So we've had. We have work lunches, right? And they've brought everything. Chipotle, Panda, Express, the Habit, anything, anything. But it's never enough because this guy, my co worker, is always the first one there, and he takes, like, four servings for just himself.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Does he have a plate? Does he bring his own plate?

[Santos]

I mean, basically, he basically means it to go.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I think. I think that's smart, personally.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not what the show is about. Our show is not about my side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we can take our hat off to our enemy. So wait, he's. I mean, he's crushing the lunch, but he's having none of the baked goods.

[Jake Johnson]

It's crazy.

[Red]

No.

[Santos]

And then the thing is that now, because of his fault, we can't have good lunches. So now we're just getting trash as Little Caesar pizza because, you know, it's $5 a pop.

[Jake Johnson]

So. I like your rhythms a lot. Yeah, you are doing a great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm in your headspace.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm with it.

[Santos]

You know what I mean? So it's just like. Come on. So he. And they're buying Little Caesar pizza because the man doesn't like it, so he doesn't eat.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, wait, you're saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what?

[Ophelia Laviban]

Sabotage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He doesn't like Little Caesars.

[Jake Johnson]

He's saying if it's, like, cheap food he doesn't eat, he eats. So.

[Santos]

No, no, I'm saying they specifically. They're specifically buying Little Caesar because he doesn't like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eat it.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I guess he won't eat it. Give me fast.

[Santos]

40 pieces.

[Jake Johnson]

What are we calling this guy? What's his name?

[Santos]

Let's call him Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

Joe. So we got a setup of Joe. Joe's a weird guy. He eats so much of the food he likes that the boss decided we got to get food that Joe doesn't like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it doesn't.

[Jake Johnson]

So he doesn't eat it. And the other part of this call is your wife makes unbelievably good baked goods, and Joe doesn't feel good.

[Santos]

Yeah. And I want to know, is it beef? Like, is he just. Is it with me, you know? Like.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Santos]

What's the problem here? Or also, like, try. Try my wife's cookie, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, but here's what we got to do. Here's what we got to do, because there's a lot going on here in a good way. But what is the specific question we could help you with?

[Santos]

I want to know how I can get this man to try one of my wife's baked good so I can once and for all see if it's beef or if he just doesn't fuck with baked goods.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Santos, it's not helpful for you to throw in another food as the issue. Is this beef?

[Santos]

You think so?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you're. What you're saying is, does he have a specific problem with you? I. I must say, I don't think I can solve it that way, but I might have a silver bullet.

[Jake Johnson]

Go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, why don't we get, like. Let's say we get Chipotle. Okay. We don't bring it in in a Chipotle box. We put all of the stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

This is not the problem. No, you're not. You're pitching on a different thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you sure?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. He does it. We're not. The other stuff about the Chipotle was just to get to know Joe a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but I think what he's saying is Joe will crush Chipotle.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is weird because it's free. So is he not eating the baked goods because he has beef with Santos's wife? To which I would say, yeah, Chipotle items in Tupperware. And Santos brings it and says, my wife made lunch for everybody today, and you put it all out. But it's Chipotle, which we know Joe loves. And it's Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Chipotle that he thinks is made by your wife, it's not beef, but. And it's just against baked goods. But if he doesn't eat it, he has an issue with the Santos family.

[Jake Johnson]

Very smart. Wow. Your thoughts on that?

[Santos]

I mean, that's actually. That's actually pretty smart. I kind of like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That nobody's ever said that to me on this show.

[Jake Johnson]

I got an idea. Santos, I need you. Somebody at the place of work, either an assistant or a secretary, somebody who's not dealing with the pests. So it's not one of the people he deals with all the time. Go around and ask everybody what their birthday is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

And what their favorite cupcake or cake is.

[Santos]

Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And the idea of it, it's a long play where people go like, why? And they go like. It's just something that the company wants. So you'll go like, cookie cake. What?

[Santos]

Yeah, it prints out all the. The birthdays. So they. They say. They make sure to, you know, say, congratulations, Happy birthday to all the guys. So.

[Jake Johnson]

So then what we're doing on this, Santos, is. And you could do a fake one that you put around, but what we're doing is we're asking people to put next to their birthday their favorite baked good. And then you start. You sign yours where you'll be like, cookies. Chocolate chip cookies. And somebody else will go like, I don'. Vegas. Any cupcake will do whatever he writes down. Ask your wife to make it, then bring it in a month later randomly, so we know it's his favorite thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

If he doesn't eat it, then have somebody else say. Or you could say, go. You don't Want this? And he'll go, no, and go. It's your favorite baked good. Why wouldn't you want your favorite baked good?

[Ophelia Laviban]

This is very good. This is a very good plan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We do that and then we slow play it where we wait until it's his birthday and we have someone bring this, a similar version of that in and see if he eats it on his birthday.

[Santos]

Oh, I like that. You know what, Garrett? That was good, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, don't get sensitive. He said Garrett. It's close enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I need a five.

[Jake Johnson]

Santos.

[Santos]

What did I do? I'm sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

San Santos. Santos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have an accent. Please don't.

[Santos]

Don't.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Red]

Wow. Wow, wow.

[Santos]

I see. You know what? I was gonna wait till end. But as a. As a Packers fan. As a Packers fan, I was gonna tell you I love you. I love you, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love you, brother.

[Santos]

You gotta change the haircut. Gotta change the haircut. Why did you leave me? I love him, too.

[Jake Johnson]

We're getting it. We're getting back in. Yes.

[Santos]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

[Jake Johnson]

So I like.

[Santos]

I like. I like your idea, Jake. I think it's. It's super. Like, I could definitely do that. I could print out a paper. You know.

[Lamorne Morris]

You so much.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Why. Why do you care?

[Jake Johnson]

I would care, too.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yeah, but I mean, I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm just. What is it? On behalf of your wife. Is your wife bothered?

[Santos]

Yeah. I mean, I don't. I don't think my wife really cares, but I care for her because it's great. I mean, I think everybody should try.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's very nice.

[Santos]

Tastes good.

[Jake Johnson]

Sweet.

[Santos]

Yeah, they're delicious.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Sanchez, I want to interrupt for a second, and I want to put my friend Ophelia on the spot. Hey, I know you don't have anything planned. You didn't even know the premise of this show. You're figuring it out as you go. You're tired. You're a new mother. What's your. What's your pitch? And you're not allowed to say, I don't have one.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I'd put money in them. I'd put money in the baked goods, and then if it doesn't take it, you just know something's not right. No one says no to free money.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, hold on.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I don't. Essentially paying him to eat it.

[Jake Johnson]

How do you do that, Ophelia?

[Ophelia Laviban]

Okay. Would do you not do. I don't know if you do this in the States, but in the UK at Christmas time, you put money in the. In the Christmas pudding. It's quite normal to put money in baked goods in the uk. I mean, not a lot like, not.

[Jake Johnson]

Like literally just put like a disgusting five dollar bill with everyone's grimy hands on it in the middle.

[Ophelia Laviban]

You don't put bills in there. We're not completely nuts. You'd like, you know, coins.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but still. Do you boil?

[Ophelia Laviban]

You don't have to actually, you don't have to eat. I mean, I don't.

[Jake Johnson]

Ew. You're talking about coins. I know. They just transfer everybody's disgusting hands. You put it in a cake. Is this a real thing?

[Ophelia Laviban]

Cake? You put it in a. You know, it's a real thing. You put it in a Christmas pudding.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's a.

[Ophelia Laviban]

It only happens once a year, so it's not like you're interesting. Well, you don't actually eat the thing. You kind of, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you eat around it.

[Ophelia Laviban]

You bite. You take a bite and then you bite into the coin and then, I mean, that's what you win. It's not like a big prize. So anyway, it's not beyond the realms of. It's not. That's interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

You're getting him to eat it by putting. You know what I kind of like about that possible pitch, Santos? You could say there is a surprise in one of the muffins. Everybody gets one.

[Ophelia Laviban]

That sounds really wrong. If someone offered me a baked good and said there's a surprise, I would.

[Santos]

Not eat that bacon.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true. Yeah.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I mean, that's a whole world of pain.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what?

[Santos]

We have something similar. We have something similar in Mexican culture where it's like a big piece of bread and you cut it and inside it's like a baby Jesus. I know that sounds really weird, but it's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It does.

[Santos]

A whole bunch of baby, baby, baby Jesus inside the bread.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like king cake from Mardi Gras.

[Santos]

Where it's considered good luck.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Santos]

Yes. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. And you cut it and you get the baby and then it's considered good luck.

[Jake Johnson]

I kind of love this. Santos, what if you said when you brought it out, make sure Joe's in the room. We're doing. There's a baby Jesus in one of these and it's good luck if you get it.

[Santos]

I could do that too. It would just take some convincing to my wife about making that sort of.

[Jake Johnson]

One with a baby Jesus in there. So here's a Santos, here's another pitch for you. Who's your best friend? Co worker.

[Santos]

His name is Elise.

[Jake Johnson]

So you know, you could do. Why don't you have your wife make some baked goods one day, hand it to him, and have him say his wife baked him.

[Santos]

Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a good move, too.

[Jake Johnson]

You just meet in the parking lot, and he goes, hey, everybody, my wife baked these. Anybody want them? And if Joe eats them, then you go, what the fuck? Yeah, what's going on?

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yeah, I quite like that one, because that's more like a sting.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a sting.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I just need him.

[Santos]

What I could do is I could do a combination of your ideas. I could do the. The paper with the birthday, See who, like, what's his favorite thing? And that way she could cook, she could bake that, and I could give it to him, and then he could give it to him, and then we'll see if he really does eat it or not.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, hold on, Santos, But I think.

[Santos]

If you're saying, like, just in general.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, if you do the paper and he eats it, we still don't know if it's beef with you, because if it comes from the other guy, I think if you do. I think if you do the paper and we find out what he likes and your wife bakes it, he's got issues with you, then we could heighten that, and a month later, your co worker can make him. And if he eats it. Now you're about to have a duel with this guy.

[Santos]

Oh, I think you should have a. Yeah, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we're. I mean, but I think what we. I. I think we are in a very good spot. I think we could solve this problem. We've given you some really solid pitches, Santos. What the hell are you gonna do here, Big daddy?

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yep.

[Santos]

I think I'm gonna go ahead and do the steam operation.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Walk us through it, you know, and.

[Santos]

Play a long one. So I. I'm gonna get my wife to just make one of her delicious baked goods.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Santos]

And I'm gonna hit up my. My friend and just let him know, you know, a little bit of the situation. He's a little bit of a jokester, so I think he'll. He'll be into it, have a little laugh at it.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Wait, he doesn't know the situation. So does no one else know this?

[Santos]

Well, everybody around always just like, well, you're not gonna take it, like, you don't want. You don't want to. You don't want to try it, like, all the time around. And, you know, the little ones are always trying to get him to taste it, but he just won't so Right. I think he knows, you know, how.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Do they make him taste it? How did. How do they try and make him taste it?

[Santos]

They'll like bite into it and go, it's so good, dude. Like, you sure you don't want to bite? You know, like, like literally in their face, like crumbs and on. He's still like, no, no, I'm good. Like, no, I. I don't like that. Or like, I just had breakfast. Like, come on, Big dog is like 6am I know. Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, one last thing. Let's say we do the sting operation. Your friends bring in and Joe eats it. What are you gonna do?

[Santos]

And honestly, I think I'm just gonna. I've been waiting. I've been waiting. I've been waiting to. To confirm him and just be like, so what is it, Big Dog? Like, what is it about me that you don't like?

[Jake Johnson]

Like. All right, okay, I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you think he doesn't like you?

[Santos]

I think so. I think so.

[Red]

And I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He doesn't like you either.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. I don't know.

[Santos]

Yeah, I think I. I give good vibes, you know, and it's just like this one guy that I just wanted to get him to.

[Jake Johnson]

Santos, here's what I'm thinking. We do. Let's do this in stages. Let's bring you back on the show. We are going to get to the bottom of this one, but this one is multi, tiered. So let's start with your buddy first. If your wife's willing to make some more, which it sounds like she is, let's have your buddy bring them. If he eats them, Santos, do not confront him. No call and we'll come up with our next plan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would even say maybe don't be in the room when they're dropped off.

[Jake Johnson]

Agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Might be a little extra pressure he feels. And let me say this, your wife should bake something for the fake bake that she's never made before.

[Santos]

O.

[Red]

Okay.

[Ophelia Laviban]

To really put him off the scent.

[Santos]

Something completely different.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cuz we're in phase one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. And then. Okay, what we're going to do afterwards when we get that next information, we're going to figure it out then. But this is, this might be a three stage thing to get to the bottom of this. But you have called the right place and similar to your job, we're gonna find the rat on this one and we're gonna get it out of the house.

[Santos]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Santos]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This might end with Me doing an undercover boss at your work. Just so you know, you always pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

That happens. So this is again, might happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Coachella. He's a drive away, Natalie.

[Jake Johnson]

No, that's another one for Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm being entertaining.

[Jake Johnson]

Santos, thank you for the call. Please follow up with us.

[Red]

Thank you so much, guys.

[Santos]

I love you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. Thank you, Santos.

[Jake Johnson]

Uncommon Goods. The countdown is on, folks. Holiday season is officially here. Time to get gifts for your most loved ones, your mildly loved ones, your close friends, that guy Todd at the office. Everybody needs a gift. What are you gonna do? I'll just find something online. No, I'll put it off. I have a suggestion. Go to Uncommon Goods and I'm gonna tell you why. Uncommon Goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique, high quality finds you won't see anywhere else. You don't believe me? Go to the website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's something for everybody, from moms, dads, kids, teens, book lovers, history buffs, Die Hard football fans, foodies, mixologists, avid gardeners. I'm not kidding, everybody. Your postman, your milkman. You've got something for everybody. So when you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists, small independent businesses. Because many of these handcrafted products are small batches, so they're just made in small batches. So you shop now before they sell out, before the holiday.

[Jake Johnson]

So don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush. To get 15 off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com here to help. That's uncommongoods.com Here to help. For 15 off Uncommon Goods, we're all out of the ordinary. Hello, hello, hello.

[Ophelia Laviban]

You're an echo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, it sounds like two Jakes.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello, Hello, hello, hello, hello, Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi there.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we get your name, please?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on?

[Red]

Sorry, I kept. Every time I kept saying hello, I kept hearing hello back and I think I got confused there. I'm from Sheffield, England.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy.

[Jake Johnson]

Ophelia is with us. She is the lead of the show Minx, which is coming to Netflix in November. Have you seen Minx yet? It.

[Red]

I haven't, no.

[Jake Johnson]

I would like you to watch it, please.

[Red]

Yes, sir.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. Ophelia, our callers from Sheffield.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Lovely. Love Sheffield.

[Red]

Oh, beautiful.

[Jake Johnson]

And what is your first name, sir?

[Red]

I'm gonna go by Red.

[Jake Johnson]

Red.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Red, that's correct.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Red.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah. R E, D. Okay, so Red from Sheffield. And what do you do, Red?

[Red]

I'm a window cleaner.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, perfect. And I like that you say cleaner. Did you go to International school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, Easy, buddy.

[Red]

No, I didn't. But my wife is Canadian and I really pick up accent, so my accent kind of bounces all over.

[Jake Johnson]

So does mine, but that's the school I went to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, we have company. So let's maybe not this call.

[Jake Johnson]

Red, can you let us know what your issue is and how we could help you?

[Red]

Yeah, of course. Once a year, my wife and her family meet in Quebec to see her grandparents. And I never really grew up with a lot of like grand grandparents in my life, so I wanted to really connect with them. The issue being that they don't speak English.

[Jake Johnson]

Buddy, it's a big issue. Keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's massive.

[Jake Johnson]

Bigger.

[Red]

Yeah. So the grandfather spoke, took perfect English, not a problem. But the grandmother didn't, so she was a harder nut to crack. So that was the one I focused on. And it turns out we had a mutual love of alcohol.

[Ophelia Laviban]

So great.

[Red]

9Am vodka shots for breakfast, Red. Red wine at dinners, beer throughout the day and whiskey at night.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. Red.

[Red]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So we realized you and this is you and grandma in Quebec.

[Red]

Yes, that's correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How old is she?

[Red]

She is 84, 85.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Now she's doing vodka shots in the morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Morning.

[Jake Johnson]

Good for her.

[Red]

This is where I went wrong. We were eating breakfast and she said she offered me vodka, which I accepted and I slammed it, which she started laughing because apparently when you have vodka with breakfast, you're supposed to sip it and not slam it, which I didn't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Strange.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I don't know that that's a rule. I feel like that's her rule.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I'm not. That's not like a general rule in Quebec, actually.

[Red]

Well, I don't know. But it's. It's what she said, so I just had to follow suit. So over the years, every time we've gone to visit because we bonded over alcohol, she always buys me my specific bottle of whiskey. And anytime anyone comes to visit, they will say, you cannot touch that. That's for him. That's his. That's his special bottle. And every time I fly out, I buy her a bottle and she responds the same way. No one else can drink it. It's her special bottle from England that she loves. And this year we're flying out next week because unfortunately the grandfather has passed away and she's been telling everyone how excited she is. Just have the whole family together again and how he's specifically looking forward to drinking with me. And the problem is, however, every year my wife and I do a vision board of Things we want to achieve. And on it. I specifically said I'm going the whole year without drinking alcohol.

[Jake Johnson]

Fuck.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Oh, no.

[Red]

So now I'm in a bit of a predicament and I'm hoping you can help me figure out a way to trick a widow into either not letting me drink alcohol or make her believe that I'm drinking alcohol.

[Jake Johnson]

So you're talking about the Indiana Jones?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes. First, what a great, beautiful problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you very much. You set it up perfectly. It's. Our producers are doing a great job. This is a wheelhouse thing. Really quickly, what is the type of alcohol Grandma likes? Let's just give a shout out to the companies. What bottle. What bottle do you get her the.

[Red]

Last time she was drinking? Monkey Shoulder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me?

[Red]

I believe it was called Monkey Shoulder.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Nice, good whiskey.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it?

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Monkey Shoulders. You do?

[Red]

Wow. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because to me that sounds like shittier than Old Crow, but Monkey Shoulder. It might just be the joy I'm experiencing from hearing Red say monkey.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm dying for a bottle of Monkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shoulder, by the way. Monkey Shoulder, what are you doing? You have your dream sponsorship with Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

I would love to go to England and do the boys monkey show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He'll drink Monke Shoulder out of a chimp head.

[Jake Johnson]

Come on, Monkey Shoulder, find me. And then what are. What is she getting you? What do you love out of Quebec?

[Red]

Well, we usually drink Molson Canadian throughout the day, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Fun.

[Red]

Just a nice light beer just to smooth everything down until the next dinner or until we sat down at night to play card games or whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

Sounds lovely. So. So we're going to get into pitches and what you want to help with is how do we trick her into you not drinking? Can I just throw out a bad pitch to start?

[Red]

Yes, you come.

[Jake Johnson]

Kate, she just lost her husband. This at 84 red. It's a big blow, brother. Yeah, this is. This is as dark as it gets in a dark night. I know what you're drink with the old woman for sake.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I almost thought that was my first thought.

[Red]

Call by saying, jake, please remember that you're supposed to be on the caller's side.

[Jake Johnson]

You're right, but I'm saying this as an uncle in a bar who cares about you. Now, if you said, I got in three DUIs, I gotta quit drinking, I'm going. All right? You're talking about a vision board.

[Red]

Yeah, I mean, Joe, if this was February, I would be with you, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you're so close to the end.

[Red]

It's middle of November. I'm five, six weeks Out.

[Jake Johnson]

I now I get it. You, you're about to accomplish a huge goal.

[Red]

I've been to birthdays, I've been to. I've been on vacation.

[Jake Johnson]

I've been to my brother's got engaged. Okay, I get it. I do get that this has been a huge accomplishment and you don't want to it up in the last mile of the marathon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you pitched is exactly what I would do. I'd be like, It's a. She's 84. I'm going to do it. But, but it. What's going to be hard, I think is the variance of cocktails and beverages you're sharing. So my pit first pitch would be maybe you go, I'm trying to lose weight. I'm off the beer and I'm off the wine. And then you can fake cocktails and shots all day.

[Red]

Yeah, I can try that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You know fake.

[Ophelia Laviban]

You can fake every drink.

[Jake Johnson]

You can.

[Ophelia Laviban]

You really can. As you know, you know like when you're pregnant and you don't want people to immediately. When you say you don't want an alcoholic drink, you don't immediately want people to go, are you, are you pregnant? So you just fake drinks. I mean you, I'm talking, you put little sprigs of rosemary in to make it look like Bloody Marys. You kind of, you have your gin and tonics, you put the leb. There are ways to fake loads of drinks.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you can too. You know what I think you got to do? And I don't think this is going to be hard to an 84 year old woman. I think when you first get there, when you get off the plane, you've got to go to a liquor store and buy a case of fake beer, non alcoholic beer. Then you've got to. In through production, you can be in a movie drinking something that looks just like gin. It's just tea. They literally get a version of tea and ice and it looks like whiskey.

[Red]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

You need to have in your backpack a fake bar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep it in your room. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And she pours you a drink, you go to the bathroom, you come back from your room with the fake one. And guess what, Red? You tell no one.

[Red]

So what do I do with the original one? If she pours me a bottle, if she pulls me a glass of whiskey.

[Jake Johnson]

Poured in the toilet.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Why don't you also, but in front.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Ophelia Laviban]

She's right. What if you kind of changed all the labels so then she didn't know that she wasn't drinking. She could be drinking the non Alcoholic? Like how? Yeah, but is she, how strong is her constitution? Is she, does she. Can she really. Can she drink under the table? Well, she knows she's not drunk.

[Red]

Well, my other issue is that if I was going to just say screw it and drink, I haven't drank all year, so I feel like after two glasses of wine, I'll be KO'd, I'll be out for the night.

[Santos]

I got one.

[Red]

I've lost my intolerance and it's, hey, Red. Yeah?

[Jake Johnson]

What if you're too broken up of the passing of her husband to drink? That's a possibility. You just, you're all turned around. Well, you want to hang with her, play cards, but when she offers you a drink, you just go, like maybe a little bit later you go, I don't want to cry.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yes, that's good.

[Red]

My mother in law has already spoken to her and said that I'm not drinking alcohol this year. But she just turned around and said, I'm sure he'll still drink with me. Like I'm still looking forward to drinking with him.

[Jake Johnson]

So we're not doing that. Because here's what we don't want to have happen to her. We don't want her to go, I love this guy. He's my guy. We have fun together. I want to see the family, but I'm so sad. I'm gonna have fun with my guy. And then you go, I did a vision board. So I'll tell you what, if I'm 85 years old and I have a nephew or a niece or one of my daughters something, and I like doing something with them and they talk about a vision board, I'm gonna just put a knife right through my chest and I'm gonna just end it right there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, certainly don't be telling people you have a vision board. And that's so Red, we're proud of you for having else.

[Ophelia Laviban]

What else was on the vision board? And have you adhered to everything else on the vision board? I mean, are there any other holes anywhere that could justify you not fulfilling.

[Red]

This bit this year? No, but we've had crazy. I always try and sneak a couple crazy, stupid ones in just for shits and gigs. I always think it's funny. Something real stupid in there. Yeah, which were in the past. I wanted to eat 100 chicken nuggets.

[Ophelia Laviban]

That sounds stupid.

[Red]

I signed up to run a 5k naked at Yorkshire Wildlife park with a polar bear mask on.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Haven't we all?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta be honest, I was anti vision board until this me too.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't realize vision boards were cool.

[Red]

We always put the same few serious ones on. But I just think I want to have a bit of fun with it. So I always throw something stupid on there.

[Ophelia Laviban]

How did the race go?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Did you do it?

[Red]

No, it got called off because of COVID unfortunately.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, did you eat 100 nuggets?

[Red]

I did, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not a hard one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sitting? Yeah.

[Red]

No, in one sitting?

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Oh, you did in one year long. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way to go.

[Red]

I also did three and a half liter mason jar of Skittles and I think it was 16 packs in 24 hours. Just because when I was at tiles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Red, I don't think we ever got. I don't think we ever got your age. What's your age?

[Red]

I'm 32.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. This is a great vision board. I. I'm a hundred percent wrong about the vision board.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Red, if you have any photos of old vision boards, will you send it in so we could post and put on the website?

[Red]

Yeah, I can try and find them. My wife is very artistic so she does pictures and borders and.

[Jake Johnson]

And then let's. Let's to the viewers and the audience in the base this New Year's, let's everybody start vision boards and let's put the dumbest stuff on the world. Nothing serious. Just three dumb things you want to do in 2026, like eat 100 nuggets or eat 60 bags of Skittles. That's what a vision board's for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's to be 11 years old.

[Jake Johnson]

Because now you're an adult and you have money, you can afford 100 nuggets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna buy five Playboys.

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That is not.

[Red]

Was kind of the idea. I wanted to keep the child inside me alive and I just. We'd always do something serious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's alive. He's at the wheel.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but that's true. Brad, let's get back to the premise here and pitch on that. So what do you think about the idea of the Indiana Jones? The fake out?

[Red]

Yeah, I like it. We always stop by a liquor store so I can get zero percent red wine. I can get zero beer. I think it'll be hard to find a zero percent whiskey, especially if she has bought one for me. That will be quite tricky.

[Jake Johnson]

But you could make a whiskey.

[Ophelia Laviban]

But are you the only one that drinks the monkey shoulder or does she partake?

[Red]

She partakes. And I have a brother in law that also likes a little bit of whiskey as well.

[Ophelia Laviban]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'M just going to say you bring an empty bottle of monkey shoulder that you fill with apple juice upon arrival and you're just gonna have to be faking at an 84 year old all day with giving her real monkey shoulder while giving yourself fake or the only.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Thing with that is how good at you are you at faking being drunk?

[Red]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

You'll have to.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Drunk acting is actually quite hard.

[Red]

Yeah, yeah, that's. I feel like maybe I'll try placebo effect it where I can try and tell my brother in law to hide a, a 0% beer and give me that and hopefully the smell of it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So I think the fake out could work. I think that's going to be fine. Gareth, you got any other pitches?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I, the only thing I would say is if she knows about the vision board, it might provide you a good opportunity to just be like, I'm only doing vodka this year. And you could kind of send that message out and that way you can just be doing water all day, make it a little easier on yourself.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, what going off of that. What was her husband's favorite drink?

[Red]

I think it was red wine. They drank a lot of wine at dinners.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do this as a tribute to him. You're just gonna drink red wine in his honor and you get the 0% red wine so grandma can drink whatever she wants. But if she goes to pour you something, you go in honor of my guy. This is a red wine day for me, but I'm going to drink a hundred bottles of these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? This is perfect because you're not going to have to do the. I need to see you drink it all in one. You can fake sip your way out of it.

[Red]

I can make that work.

[Jake Johnson]

Ophelia, I'm going to put you on the spot here. What is a pitch you could throw at him? That's other than what we've been pitching.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I mean, you could have a spittoon.

[Jake Johnson]

You think, you think she's gonna see that?

[Ophelia Laviban]

You could have. No, I don't mean an actual spittoon. I mean, you could have them kind of hidden around the house, like in plant pots or. Oh, my God, actually under a table.

[Jake Johnson]

This is actually really. You know what I could do? What about this? What about a tube that's right in your shirt? I mean it, that goes to like a little bag so that you drink that. You then cover your mouth a little bit. You spit it in the tube, it goes in the bag. When you go to the bathroom, you empty the bag so the problem is.

[Red]

That I would either have to buy that in England and bring it with me or trying.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you. You build that before that can get through customs. That can get through everything.

[Red]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All I'm talking about is a plastic tube. A tube that is essentially two feet long. @ the base of it, it connects to a Ziploc bag. The Ziploc bag.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Goes in your pocket. You. You. You go like this. You take a sip.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I don't know about any. I mean that's. That's. Unless you wear car trousers with masks anywhere.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Tape it.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Tape it to your body.

[Jake Johnson]

While an 84 year old woman is paying attention to other things, which she will be. This is about her whole family coming to celebrate her. She's not staring at you the whole time. Take a huge chug of your drink. She looks elsewhere. You cover your mouth. You pour it into the tube. Goes in there. She goes like, God, you want another one? You go, I'm okay for now. Yeah.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I like this idea because I think this is going to be a lot more entertaining for everyone else.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I.

[Jake Johnson]

But I also think this could be in a way where it's. It's just. You drink what she puts in front of you and here's how you win on your vision board. You never swallow.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Yeah. It's good advice.

[Jake Johnson]

Work ail. How about another one off the top of your head?

[Ophelia Laviban]

Oh, God.

[Jake Johnson]

Because the tube thing was actually really great. I was saying it to maybe tease you, but I think that's a great solution.

[Ophelia Laviban]

But I do want to see. I really want to see that now. I kind of don't want to, but.

[Jake Johnson]

I also think that's a great way to do it where you don't have fake booze in another room. It is a two. It's like the Donnie Brasco. You're wearing a wire.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Well, the other thing. I can't. Well, the only other thing you could pretend, but then you miss out on the whole day. I was going to say you could pretend that because your tolerance is so low from abstaining all year, you could pretend that one drunk drink has knocked you out and then you could pass out all day. But then you miss out on. I don't know. I like the tube.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too. So, Red, just. We've given you some good ideas. The last one. Let's not do. Don't sleep through the whole trip after one drink. That is the pitch of a new mother. That is not the pitch for you.

[Red]

Yeah.

[Ophelia Laviban]

That's the pitch of what I'm dreaming Of. You know what I dream of last night? I dreamt that. Yeah. I was just asleep with Robert Redford. That was my dream last night.

[Red]

Just.

[Ophelia Laviban]

There was nothing, nothing spicy. I was just sleeping next to him. But then I remembered that he's dead. And I was like, am I wishing that I'm dead?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, no, you're wishing you're asleep. That's him just wishing.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I was asleep. While I was dreaming. While I was sleeping. My dream was that I was sleeping.

[Jake Johnson]

My wife and I, when we.

[Ophelia Laviban]

So anyway, yeah, maybe ignore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ignore that.

[Jake Johnson]

She said that when I was coming home from work, she goes, you're it up if you let the kids sleep on your chest because when you're not here, they're not able to fall asleep. So when they're three months, it was fine, but my girls were getting older. So she goes, when you come home and pass out on the couch with one of the girls on your. In your. On your chest, it's harder for me to put them to bed after that because that's what they want. So I was like, I actually, I think her theory was right, whatever. I came home after work in a huge, huge. It's not a shift, but what we do in our line of work. And I was gone for 12 hours or whatever it was. And my daughter Elizabeth couldn't sleep, and so I was laying on the couch with her and I. I passed out with her on my chest. But I had a dream that I went to a seminar called the Jonathan. And the Jonathan technique was when a child sleeps on your chest, but it's on a way that it does not screw up the next person putting them down. And when my wife came in in the morning, she goes like, Jake. And I go, what? She goes, I asked you so many times. And I go, I know, but I just went to the Jonathan Technique, so it's fine. And because she was so tired too, she goes, what's the Jonathan Technique? And she said, I was, I was like, it's a seminar I went to, but the way I slept with Elizabeth, it doesn't make it harder. And she goes like, oh. And then she goes, when did you go to the Jonathan Technique? And I go, I have no idea. And we started realiz. It was a dream.

[Ophelia Laviban]

This is quite frightening.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, but there was a good two minutes where we were talking as if the Jonathan Technique was real.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I mean, I really. I'm glad it didn't last longer than that. That's quite a long time to not realize.

[Jake Johnson]

So, red, back to you, sir. Tell us what you're gonna do with this? What are we calling sweet grandma?

[Red]

Hey.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh?

[Red]

We'll go with Kate.

[Jake Johnson]

K. K. So you're gonna see K in a month or two and a half weeks.

[Red]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

You. She wants to drink with her guy. You don't want to let her down. You got a vision board saying you can't drink until January 1st. We've given you, I think, a lot of pretty good pitches, Red, what you gonna do?

[Red]

Well, because I have two weeks. I'm gonna try and make the tube.

[Ophelia Laviban]

I'm so happy about the tube.

[Jake Johnson]

Same.

[Red]

And then if that does fail and I can't get it to work, then I will buy apple juice and 0%. And if I get caught, then.

[Jake Johnson]

Then you get caught.

[Red]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you admit, hey, how about this? If you get caught, Red said you drink.

[Red]

Deal.

[Jake Johnson]

If she catches you, you make a joke of it. You tell about the vision board, and then you say, okay, I love you. I'm here for you. Let's drink. And guess what? That could be a loophole on the vision board because you tried your hardest.

[Red]

Yeah, Yeah, I agree with you, unfortunately.

[Jake Johnson]

And then add. You know what we do? Let's make an amendment to the vision board. Then you don't start drinking January 1st. First. January, February, March. You can't drink until March 1st. Oh, yeah, I know.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Wait, so. So. So three more months.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So if he gets caught and he drinks, then you have two days of drinking, but once you're home, you're dry again until March 1st.

[Red]

Okay, I can make that work.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's fair. It sucks. But then you basically did a year.

[Red]

Yeah, I can do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Red, will you follow up with photos of the tube as it's going and keep documenting this for us? Because I am very interested. I'll do my best. Yes. All right, Red, Ophelia, thank you for joining the show. Red, do me a favor. Watch Minx on Netflix. It's a great show. Affiliate, is great in it as Joyce. You get to see so many different.

[Ophelia Laviban]

Oh, my gosh.

[Red]

So beautiful.

[Jake Johnson]

Ophelia, great to see you. Thanks for doing it. Thank you. I hope to see you in real life soon.

[Ophelia Laviban]

That would be nice.

[Jake Johnson]

I think so, too. Hopefully we do a season three. Who knows? Let's put it on the vision board. Let's put it on the vision board. Hey, Red, will you put on your next vision board that we do an EP season of Minx in the 80s?

[Red]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Red]

That's already on YouTube.

[Jake Johnson]

Minx, little indie movie.

[Red]

I can do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, Red. And then follow up with us. Really interested in this story.

[Red]

Will do. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you my friend. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our patreon@patreon patreon.com hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller Theme song by Oliver Raleigh the COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strelecki and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, remember all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Ophelia Laviban]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod what's going on?

[Hannah Simone]

It's Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone and we host the Mess Around a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now here's the thing. Every single week we chat about an episode of New Girl. And we really get into it. Like we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia, Rodrigo.

[Hannah Simone]

We're just two BFFs having a good old time. Okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield and Damon Waynes Jr. And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

[Jake Johnson]

Make sure you subscribe to the Mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.