231: Wearing Garbage & Scooter Cooter

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 231: “Wearing Garbage & Scooter Cooter”

Podcast: We're Here to Help
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: November 17, 2025
Episode Description: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds attempt to dole out helpful—if not strictly qualified—advice to callers with problems both trivial and serious, all wrapped in their signature blend of dumb bits and affection for the listener.

---

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jake and Gareth take on two hilarious and oddly specific listener dilemmas: a woman whose husband insists on wearing a truly trashy “home shirt,” and another who is repulsed by the idea of riding her new scooter because her nudist relative previously owned it. Along the way, they riff on the weirdness of home attire, the dangers of “Scooter Cooter,” and revisit a past call about a man’s popcorn obsession—culminating with talk of a kidney transplant and crowd-sourcing a donor from the podcast audience. The hosts, as always, err toward comedic exaggeration and support, blending advice with wild riffs and affectionate teasing.

---

Main Topics & Key Moments

1. Cold Open & Restaurant Stories (01:57–06:00)

• Jake opens with a long bit teasing his friend Eric about persistently recommending a grimy Chinese restaurant despite its questionable hygiene and “living room” ambiance.

• Gareth and Jake riff about the highs and lows of Chinese restaurant roulette, mocking Eric’s unsinkable positivity—even at the most squalid spots.

  • Quote (Jake, 03:21): “He’s the drug dealer…before you know it, I’m driving around every city I’m ever in going, ‘what’s the grossest Chinese restaurant you got?’”
  • Quote (Jake, 05:18): “Let this disgusting in-hole be your mistress...”

• They draw parallels to Rocky, with Eric as the stubborn boxer and his friends as long-suffering Paulie or Mickey trying to save him from himself.

Memorable Moment

• Jake, on inviting Eric’s wife to the dingy restaurant:
  • "Why would you bring a woman who's married? You don't show her these places. This is your affair..." (05:08)

---

2. Call #1: Joy vs. The Garbage Shirt (15:42–33:46)

Joy’s Dilemma

• Joy from Harrisburg, PA calls about her husband's “home shirt”—a hideously decrepit, sentimental tee handed down from his dad.
  • “It's disintegrating...it literally looks like he wore a shirt and a bear attacked his back.” (Gareth, 18:40)
  • The shirt once said “think, love, Jesus,” now it’s mostly holes.

Hosts’ Reactions

• Jake: Refuses initial empathy, then relents on seeing a picture.
  • "I might wear an old shirt. I don't wear garbage." (20:05)
• Gareth: “It would be better if he wore a trash bag.” (21:08)
• The guys repeatedly dub Caleb—the husband—'garbage man.'
• They joke through the possible emotional significance, relieved when it's NOT a tragic heirloom.

Advice & Solutions

• Strategic Embarrassment:
  • Invite friends over spontaneously so Caleb is caught in public with his shame-shirt.
• Buy a Replacement:
  • Custom-make a new version of the shirt, or frame the old one as “retirement.”
• Mob Hit the Shirt:
  • “Next time you see that shirt in the laundry bin, very quietly put it in a bag…make it swim with the fishes.” (Jake, 29:43)
• Parental Swap:
  • Collaborate with Caleb’s mom in a “hate swap”: exchange each other's hated shirts.
  • Joy, live on the podcast, texts her mother-in-law to request replacement shirts.

Roleplay Segment (34:09–36:43)

• Jake and Gareth run Joy through mock confrontations, helping her finesse the potential lie if she secretly disposes of the shirt.

---

3. Call #2: Allison and the Scooter Cooter (47:41–62:21)

Allison’s Issue

• Allison from San Antonio acquired a scooter from her husband’s nudist uncle. She’s horrified at the thought of sitting where the nude uncle’s bare butt was—and her husband insists she should drive due to weight balance.

  • “There’s not enough bleach in the world to take care of that.” (Allison, 48:10)

Hosts’ Jokes & Analogies

• Scooters and “butt imprint” jokes abound:
  • “That is gross. Especially right, look…” (Jake, 50:24)
• Jake equates the issue to using restaurant silverware: if you’re okay with used forks, it’s not THAT much worse—but understands Allison’s higher standards.

Advice and Bit Creation

• Fabric Seat Cover:
  • Consider covering the seat with a layer of protection, but Allison wants a “forever” out.
• Excuse Arsenal:
  • Pretend a phobia or accident: “Have a dream one night and wake up and go, I had a nightmare where I fell off the scooter and now I’m petrified.” (Jake, 53:02)
  • Fake a medical reaction: After one ride, feign an intense rash/burning known as “Scooter Cooter.”
• Name the Malady:
  • Gareth: "You know what you would call it? Scooter Cooter"
  • Jake: "It means the nudist rode on a scooter, their butt juice got on your cooter and ruined it." (55:12)

Roleplay Implementation

• Allison, in mock dialogue, masterfully stonewalls all her husband’s solutions with Scooter Cooter logic:
  • “I told you, I found this new thing. It's called Scooter Cooter… Like, it causes this red itchiness, it can cause blisters... No, no, I'm not.” (Allison, 57:12)
• The group agrees: create urgency, treat “Scooter Cooter” as a universally understood risk, and make it clear this is non-negotiable.

---

4. Follow-Up: Popcorn Couple & The Kidney Saga (66:01–89:50)

Context

• Whitney and husband Alexa called previously about his intense popcorn habit—multiple bowls a night, eaten in bed, leading to mess and marital discord.
• Jake and Gareth had advised making a “popcorn room.”

Update

• Whitney built the popcorn room and even scented it with her clothes as a lure.
  • “You created a room, things that smell like you in there for some reason...” (Jake, 68:48)
• It didn’t stick; Alexa preferred the comfort of eating in bed after a long day (and his history with brain cancer & dialysis).
• Solution: compromise—Whitney joins him with “one to two bowls max” and stricter cleanup.

Dialogue Highlights

• Alexa drops the guilt trip masterfully:

  • "As a brain cancer survivor…do I not deserve popcorn at the end of the night?” (71:15)

• Jake breaks into song ("Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba), using the lyrics as a metaphor for resilience:

  • “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down…” (72:18; throughout segment)

• Joking reference: New podcast segment—crowd-sourcing a kidney donation for Alexa, leading to wild speculation about a "kidney game" or even a documentary if it works.

  • “If from this community there was a kidney given to the popcorn king, it makes sense why we do this show.” (Jake, 87:47)

• Merch ideas fly: “I got Alexa on a kidney. That’s a shirt I’ll wear.” (Gareth, 88:50)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Bits

• On the garbage home shirt:

  • “It's more holes than shirt.” (Jake, 19:29)
  • “He's wearing garbage. It would be better if he wore a trash bag.” (Gareth, 21:08)

• On Scooter Cooter:

  • “You either ride the scooter or you ride him.” (Jake, 55:56)
  • “What does scooter cooter do? You just get a little bit of an itch on your cooter?” (Jake, 58:04)
  • “It is your job to protect your cooter.” (Jake, 61:26)

• On Popcorn & Resilience:

  • “Truth is, I thought it mattered. I thought music mattered, but does it bollocks? Not compared to how people matter.” (Jake, 75:07, quoting Chumbawamba)
  • “Popcorn is better than three, generally speaking. That is a hat. That is something you wear.” (Gareth & Jake, 76:52)
  • “You got knocked down by some serious stuff, but you guys did get up again.” (Jake, 83:03)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|---------| | 01:57–06:00 | Chinese restaurant bit, Eric’s taste | | 15:42–33:46 | Joy’s “garbage shirt” call | | 34:09–36:43 | Shirt role-play (“mob hit the shirt”) | | 47:41–62:21 | Allison’s “Scooter Cooter” dilemma | | 66:01–89:50 | Popcorn couple follow-up, kidney plea, community call-to-action |

---

Episode Tone & Takeaway

This episode is a classic “We’re Here to Help” blend: rollicking bits, lived-in friendship, and tangential riffs, all wrapped around surprisingly helpful advice. Jake and Gareth continually affirm their affection for the callers—even as they mock, exaggerate, or invent new syndromes (“Scooter Cooter”). They create a communal, safe space for oddball quirks while offering pragmatic solutions (however wrapped in jokes) and building to an unexpectedly touching segment by volunteering their audience to help a family in need of a kidney.

If you’ve never listened before, this episode is a whirlwind introduction to Jake & Gareth’s tone: raunchy, affectionate, frenetic, and—just occasionally—genuinely heartfelt.

---

Episode Highlights

• Home shirt dilemma prompts ruthless honesty and teamwork for spousal sabotage.
• “Scooter Cooter” is coined—a new term for aversion to nudist rear-ends.
• The popcorn king and queen return, triumph over adversity, and spark a podcast-organized “kidney game.”
• Show ends with heartfelt community outreach, plenty of wild merch ideas, and many, many Tubthumping references.

---

Interested in calling in? Email your question to [e-mail]

Transcript

[Joy]

This is a headgun podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you have what it takes to finish first? The App Store is packed with super fast, super fun racing games for every driver. From battling with your favorite characters in Disney Speedstorm to piloting one of over 400 different cars on officially licensed tracks in real racing three. It's all right here. Blast down the track with no limit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Drag Racing 2 race and collect the.

[Jake Johnson]

Latest and greatest cars in CSR 2 realistic Drag Racing. Or even take over the international car racing arena with asphalt legends and take on the toughest drivers from around the world with NASCAR manager. Just visit the App Store to find these racing games and more and get ready to start your engines. Leave boredom in the dust on the App Store. Introducing Family freedom from T Mobile. We'll pay off four phones up to $3200 and give you four free phones all on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com familyfreedom up to $800 per line via virtual prepaid card. Typically takes 15 days. Free phone via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement. Example Apple iPhone 16128 gigs $829.99 Eligible trade in example iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due. If you pay off early or cancel contact us and we are back. So I'm going to do something in this intro that I'm not going to give him a chance to defend himself, but I'm going to tease our friend Eric.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, good, that's coming my way.

[Jake Johnson]

Nope. So long story short, there's a restaurant that he's been talking to me about that he's like, how long? I don't want to exaggerate, but four months. Okay. Right? It fe maybe, but maybe longer. Okay, man. Dude, I've been going. It's special. I was there years ago. It's an atwater when I live there. It's gross. Food wasn't good. It's gross, man. It's. Dude might be top five in the city. Really? Man, they're doing some good work. Big part of the team, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So I'm like, do you want to go to this delicious place that we've gone to a bunch we love?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go to this place. Trust me. Bean sprouts, brother. They have bean sprouts instead of rice. Okay. You will not miss the rice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What kind of food?

[Jake Johnson]

Chinese, of course. Of course. Yeah. All that guy and me eat together. Our whole relationship is finding different variations of Chinese food to eat together. Yeah. I don't know how it started he started it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was gonna say, yeah, I know.

[Jake Johnson]

He's the drug dealer. He said, try one of these, you'll learn to fly. It's free. Before you know it, I'm driving around every city I'm ever in going, what's the grossest Chinese restaurant? You got eaten in a corner alone going, ew, why am I doing this? And then I'm thinking of Eric going, like, they're doing a lot of good work for the team.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, by the way, the thing is, if you miss order a Chinese restaurant, it can be. If you hit, you hit.

[Jake Johnson]

But it could be a nightmare.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It can be bad.

[Jake Johnson]

This place was gross as hell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When did you go?

[Jake Johnson]

A week ago. Okay, Eric, I was. Look, Garrett, during the meal, I'm looking at this guy wet food in front of us unnecessarily. What? Where? You're like, what's the sauce?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ugh. What's the sauce?

[Jake Johnson]

So dirty in there. It was just as if.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you see the letter grade?

[Jake Johnson]

No, but it's, you know, his goofy theory. Yes. Now you're talking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it was in the Cs.

[Jake Johnson]

A, it was in the B.2C vibes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It really just felt like I was in a living room of a multi generational family that they all just live there. And then every once in a while, two weird people walked in and they went like, oh, yeah, we have to pretend this is a restaurant. What do we got? Just somebody go in the back and just put some food in front of these two men. And it was gross. And then a couple days later, I was giving him hell on it, obviously not letting it go. And then he said, I'm there now. While we were texting, he's like, it's funny you're texting that. Because I'm currently at the same restaurant. I'm meeting my beautiful Jess there. His wife Jess. Rona, who's coming on the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

And I thought, why would you bring a woman who's married? You don't show her these places.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is your affair.

[Jake Johnson]

This is your affair. Is right. Let this disgusting in hole be your mistress. You're like, this Chinese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I need to know about this.

[Jake Johnson]

Doesn't need to know that you like this weird just when you're with her. Go to a nicer restaurant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. This is the peep show.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a terrible part of your personality. And at some point, you have to grow out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You hide this. You get caught doing this. You don't invite this.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you don't ever get Caught. It's going to kill you one day. You'll die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. That's why he needs you and people to just be like, hey, get the fix. Get out of here. Yeah, yeah. You're going to die in this place. Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Eric is Rocky, and everyone in his life is that Coach Paulie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get out of here.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Mickey was the coach, but you're. It's. It's kind of a combination of Mickey and Paulie.

[Jake Johnson]

He. You know what, unfortunately, he needs. We all want to be Mickey, but he turns us all into Paulies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Where you're just kind of like, I was just drinking. A chair next to the madness.

[Jake Johnson]

You go like this. Get out of this disgusting place. Right? And then you go, what am I going to do? I live in a dump with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He dragged me.

[Jake Johnson]

Give me the bean sprouts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll eat the sprouts. Rice is way better.

[Jake Johnson]

But this is how predictable this guy is. I was being mean to him and I texted, it's not going to go well. Do not take this woman there. And he's like, brother, it'll be fine. And so I texted him this as a mean joke from him. I wrote, quote, hey, Jess, here's some mushy veggies, but there's also a dead rat in the bathroom area, so if you go look up. Also later tonight, I'm seeing the bases from Van Halen do spoken word in Ventura tonight if you're interested in being healed. So I expected, you know, you or something back at me, an impression of. And here's what he got. It took a while. Then he wrote, here's the reality of what happened, and you could see how close you were. Full disclosure, I ordered delivery fruit from here on Christmas, and Jess and our other friend bitched and did not like it. But they did like the eggplant and the tofu. They loved it. So I ordered that for her. Remembering this, she showed up, went to the bathroom, came back and said, quote, that bathroom is not clean. Is this one of those C rated places you talked about on the podcast? But then she did love the eggplant in the tofu. Didn't seem to eat much else. Then asked what we were doing tonight, and I said, I can't hang. I'm going with George, Reg, and Riley to see the Brian Jones Massacre in Santa Hannah. I was just like, you can't be this predictable. It's almost the same text. And then he wrote. I wrote, ha. And he wrote, you break it, you buy it. Which is his term to Jess, as if you married me. Therefore, somehow my logic is you broke the thing in the store, therefore you have to buy it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's unfixable. And you bought.

[Joy]

You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You bought a bike to ride. And guess what? It's just gonna have to sit in your garage with no seat.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the wrong logic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You bro. It's a great if. If you're him, it's great to have that as be your dad.

[Jake Johnson]

It's. Hey, man, you broke it, you bought it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm unchangeable. You gotta eat. Sometimes you're stuck. Duck bills and get food poison. Wow, it's this. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So I wanted to share that as an intro. I love it. I obviously, I love him. That is crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best.

[Jake Johnson]

That is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The reason why it's so great with Eric is because he is endlessly positive.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, he's. And also probably the funniest guy I've ever met.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Him. Hysterical. But his general attitude, it's like. It's one thing to be like, I got dragged to a restaurant and I'm going to be positive about it with my friend. It's another thing to be like, come to hell.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And I've been here, when I do the joke, if I'm like, yeah, don't go to the bathroom. There's a dead rat. He'll go, brother, I've been to a place with dead rats on the floor. And I go, but why? And he's like, man, the mushu veggies. And I'm like, you want that? All right, let's get to the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Without further ado, and we're brought to you by Armor.

[Jake Johnson]

What happens when your health becomes the punchline? Lord knows that's happened to Gareth and myself. Our health and our bodies, we're the punchline. And we're changing it. From seed oils to stress toxins to pollutants, the modern world is screwing with our health at the cellular level, leading to sluggishness, bloating, accelerated aging and more. And sure, Gareth is trying to stop accelerated aging with creams, but it's not helping the inside. He's got the insides of an 80 year old man and it's gross. But here's the thing. You don't have to settle for feeling like garbage. 24.

[Gareth Reynolds]

7 armor Colostrum is nature's original health hack. Colostrum is packed with over 400 bioactive nutrients that fortify your gut health, strengthen your immune health, and promote healthy metabolism. That and get that fitness performance fueled and revitalize your health from the inside out. Function like a human again, would you please? I've started taking armor on colostrum. You definitely feel a difference. That helps with the metabolism, that gut integrity which I've always had. Gut integrity. But it's always good to have more armor. Colostrum is a way to ignite inside out transformation for the whole body, including hair, skin, gut and more. Your skin gets better your everything. It harnesses the closely guarded secrets of elite athletes. So for too long, athletes like I have been holding on to these secrets and and now we're finally sharing it with the world. So you could be apex like me.

[Jake Johnson]

We've worked out a special offer for the we're here to help audience receive 30 off of your first subscription order. Go to armra a r m r a dot com here to help or enter here to help to get 30% off your first subscription order. That's armor a r m r a dot com Here to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we're brought to you by Acorns Early.

[Jake Johnson]

You want your kids to be good with money or bad with money? I prefer good with money because if they're bad with money, they're screwed. And let's be honest, when I was growing up in the 1980s, I was bad with money. I viewed money as it just put it in a big bank account, AKA a drawer, and spend it until it's gone. I had no financial literacy until my 30s and that's embarrassing. So I don't want that reality to be for my kids. And so I like the product Acorns early to help teach financial literacy. Acorns early knows you've got a lot on your plate. That's why they help you teach your kids about money one small step at a time. Let them learn by doing and watch their potential grow for tomorrow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like when I was a kid, I had no clue. I had a little weird bank. The pat the code was 50. Every other kid I knew had the same bank. The code was 50. We were all we stole baseball cards from each other. But this is different, okay? What Acorns early is doing is a lot different. They want to teach your kids and you are going to teach your kids that hard work pays off.

[Jake Johnson]

Acorns early is the money app and debit card that makes it easy to grow kids smart money habits. It's not just a card, it's their card. With 35 plus customizable designs to choose from. Plus, kids feel the impact of their spending choices, sparking independence and confidence with every swipe. This is a solid Christmas Gift, actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So are you ready to join the 1.2 million parents and kids who've unlocked their kids potential with Acorns early? Get your first month on us when you head to acorns early.com/here to help or download the Acorns early app. That's one month free when you sign up at acorns early.com/here to help. Acorns early card is issued by NBC bank member FDIC pursuant to license by Visa usa. Free trial for new subscribers only. Subscription fee starting for $5 per month unless canceled terms [e-mail] earlyterms. You know, life's full of those little moments when you're sending money and it can make a big difference. So why not do that with Zelle?

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth and I send money to each other via Zelle when we are in the hole to the other guy. The easiest way to do it is Zelle. We both use it. We both know that it works. Pay and or request. Request money. Send me some money via Zell. Why? Because you owe to me. Lil Rat. Time to send me the money you owe me. My brother, the great Danny J and I do something for each other that to us, it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts and we do it randomly and we use Zell. We'll just every once in a while, he'll get $7 and 50 cents from me with a big subject that says, you deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment, when he saw that $7 and 50 cents on a Tuesday morning at before work, he thought, my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whether it's a big moment or a small moment, Zell is here for you. So you can be there for them when it counts. Send money with Zell.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Joy]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. How are you?

[Joy]

I'm good. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

What's your first name? My first name is Jake.

[Joy]

Hi, Jake. This is Joy.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Joy, Gareth is here.

[Joy]

Hi, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good day.

[Jake Johnson]

He's being weird.

[Natalie]

That's what we're talking about.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. We're moving on, but it's now very clear, right? Natalie?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good day.

[Jake Johnson]

Out of your minds, Joey, where are you calling from?

[Joy]

Hey, I'm calling from Pennsylvania.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm Cinderella. You're the sisters.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, what city?

[Joy]

I'm calling from Harrisburg.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. You a football fan? You care about sports at all, Joy?

[Joy]

Not NFL, but I Am an Alabama fan.

[Jake Johnson]

Alabama. From Pennsylvania.

[Joy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Walk us through how that happened.

[Joy]

My husband, he's an Alabama fan, so I converted.

[Jake Johnson]

Is he from Alabama or is he a Pennsylvania native?

[Joy]

His family is. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So you. You married this. You married into the south, huh? What do you think about the chats and weird here to help?

[Joy]

I love them. Are you talking about the ones with Bergen? Everybody love them.

[Jake Johnson]

Eric's everybody?

[Gareth Reynolds]

In a way, yes.

[Joy]

Eric is everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Joy, take it away.

[Joy]

Okay, so I have a question that I think a lot of women who are married to men also just experience in our lives. My husband has a shirt that he wears after he comes home. It's like a house clothes type shirt.

[Jake Johnson]

Home shirt is what I refer to it as.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Play clothes.

[Joy]

A home shirt. Okay. He has had it for five years and it was passed down to him from his dad. And so the shirt is old. It's from the early 2000s.

[Jake Johnson]

I have one of these and he.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn'T a pass down.

[Joy]

Sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

It used to be my dad's. It's a city of like a hand me down. Yeah. City of Chicago. Mayor Daly on it from probably 1988.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

I wear it at home exclusively. It's a home shirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's gonna be hard for Jake to give advice on this.

[Jake Johnson]

I think what this call is going to be, how do I keep myself from not being so insanely turned on when he's wearing a home shirt? And I'm going to say, oh my God. Lean into it. It's sexy and it's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let your loins do their thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. That's why the good lord, however you see it, made us. It's so we can make babies.

[Joy]

The issue is that it shows too much skin. So you're right on.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Joy]

No, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, because it's old.

[Joy]

It's disintegrating and it has. Oh my God.

[Jake Johnson]

What are we looking at here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it literally looks like he wore a shirt and a bear attacked his back. You ever see the reven where the bear attacks Leo in the woods?

[Jake Johnson]

It's mine is not like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, this. This is far worse than wearing a.

[Jake Johnson]

Tie dyed shirt that truthfully had was ripped in the back. He almost looks like he's in like the Thriller video. It looks like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It looks like you would see it at fashion week, but it would be on like a 28 year old model.

[Jake Johnson]

Like it's okay. Can we see the other lot of skin. Oh, the front is destroyed too. It's like a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The letters are tie dye peeling off.

[Jake Johnson]

But there's something about Jes on it. What did it originally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Joy]

It's ridiculous.

[Jake Johnson]

This is ridiculous.

[Joy]

So it's the wording.

[Jake Johnson]

It.

[Joy]

It had three words. It said, think, love, Jesus. But all of that is just ripped up and gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I really need people listening to understand that this shirt, it's more holes than shirt.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you know what it looks like? It looks like a shirt that used to be something, and then you found, like, a wild raccoon and you were transplanting it. So you threw the shirt in the raccoon cage, and then the raccoon went crazy while you were driving it and left. And you're like, jesus. It destroyed the shirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is ravaged.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, it's like it's been pissed on. It looks like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I'll say this. It's the worst shirt I've ever seen.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As far as wearability, it is the least wearable shirt I've ever seen someone wear.

[Jake Johnson]

I will also. Joy, take back what I said at the beginning. This is not something I can relate to. No, I'm going.

[Joy]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

This is not a night shirt.

[Joy]

I don't think anybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, and when you said, it is joy, but Joy. But, Joy, you started this incorrectly. May I say that you said, most women will be able to relate to this who are married to men. That's not accurate. Like, he's wearing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's in rarefied air.

[Joy]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He'S wearing garbage. He is wearing garbage. Here's the truth.

[Jake Johnson]

I might wear an old shirt. I don't wear garbage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I thought we were going to see a couple holes, and I was.

[Jake Johnson]

Going to be like, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're like, look, this thing's got a couple of years maybe left in it. You know what I mean? But this is.

[Jake Johnson]

He's wearing garbage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He is where? He's actually.

[Jake Johnson]

He's wearing a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It would be better if he wore a trash bag.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He is wearing garbage.

[Jake Johnson]

You could literally tape 10 pieces of garbage to throw it on his head and go like, you're wearing a fucking. You're wearing a hat now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is an unrepairable bit of damage. That shirt is history.

[Jake Johnson]

What's this man's name?

[Joy]

His name's Caleb.

[Jake Johnson]

Caleb.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, don't.

[Jake Johnson]

And what connection. Don't. Please don't tell us his dad gave it to him before his dad passed away. Please tell us there's no emotional significance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is the dad still with us?

[Joy]

No, I heard the popcorn call. Trust me, it's nothing like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, Joy. Wait till you hear the follow. Joy. Joy, you have no idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The colonel hadn't even popped until what we just went.

[Jake Johnson]

You did, Joy, what you heard was nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing. It was just the popcorn didn't even take Call.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie. Can we put this call and that follow up on the same episode?

[Natalie]

Yeah, for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

And we could intro it together. Because Joy, you just set it up perfectly. Holy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just a different game now.

[Jake Johnson]

So now, Joy, talk to us. Why does he wear garbage?

[Joy]

I don't know. It's because it's just around the house and it's him and me, so he doesn't care very much because nobody, nobody would see him. He doesn't even wear shorts outside the house, so he, he cares about what he looks like.

[Jake Johnson]

Except Caleb is pretty in the real world.

[Joy]

He is very.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, can I ask you a question, Joy? And this is real. And this is not all men and women. I'm not saying men are from Mars, women are from Venus and any of that nonsense. But you keeping yourself together at home, how you dress, you looking a little cute. Are you like mama slob too? But not as bad as him. You a little flirty?

[Joy]

None of my clothes.

[Jake Johnson]

I get you. But when you get home, are you in like a. I mean, I like my little recruiter outfit. Like I'm looking pretty good in these slacks. And you get home and you go take them off, throw these disgusting old plaid shorts on. Who cares? I'm going to just take this weird sheet and throw it on top of me. Are you guys the kind of couple that around each other you just look like slobs and who cares? Are you a little flirty?

[Joy]

We're. I mean, he is wearing that. But no, I, I, if I am in house clothes, it's still a presentable.

[Jake Johnson]

Type shirt, so you're a little cute. And pants, so you're looking a little cute. And he looks like a garbage man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He doesn't even look like a garbage man. He looks like what the garbage man grabs early on.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't mean a garbage man who works for the city. You mean a man of garbage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A trashed human?

[Jake Johnson]

He's just garbage. He's. If he were a character, it would be garbage man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He, if he were a cartoon, flies would be around him.

[Natalie]

I have a quick question. If he's wearing this after he gets home to decompress, do you guys never have like a surprise delivery or someone.

[Jake Johnson]

Different kind of surprise?

[Natalie]

No, a delivery or someone comes to the door.

[Jake Johnson]

Like you ever have a surprise delivery. Somebody comes to the door, got a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Package out of nowhere for you. Whoa, Natalie.

[Joy]

I mean, I'll answer. Yeah, I'll go over and answer, because I. He'd prefer not to, but I just automatically kind of would get up and. And do it for him because I don't want anybody to see him.

[Jake Johnson]

Joy.

[Joy]

I got that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a pitch in that direction, too. Can I ask one question?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this every night he's wearing this?

[Jake Johnson]

Camp?

[Joy]

No. It's probably two times a week, though, because I have to wash this thing or if he's doing laundry. Can't even imagine wash and dry this. And that's what I find ridiculous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My last question is, is there any. Is he getting any pleasure out of how much you hate it, or is he unironically just rocking this?

[Joy]

He unironically loves this thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Amazing. All right, go ahead, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I ask a personal question?

[Joy]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretend I'm Chuck Worley from the old school Love connection. How often are you guys making Whoopi?

[Joy]

Enough.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. But once a week.

[Joy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Joy]

More.

[Jake Johnson]

Good for you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. Good addendum.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So. So, Joy, Whoopi is still a part of the relationship. Does Whoopi ever occur randomly, or is it somewhat scheduled later when you're in bed and everything in that garbage is off his body? You understand the question?

[Joy]

Randomly. I do understand, yes.

[Jake Johnson]

You see where I'm going?

[Joy]

Yes. I. Here's the thing. I actually, I'm okay with the fact that he dresses like this in the house.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Joy]

It doesn't. It is ridiculous. It is ridiculous. But that doesn't affect. Yeah. Like, our life.

[Jake Johnson]

So. But here's what I was gonna say. What if we pretended it did?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He's wearing an unfuckable shirt.

[Jake Johnson]

What if you one day, when he's putting it on, put on an extra cute home outfit, and when he sat down next to you and did, like, the, hey, babe, pretty good day at work and did the, like, touching of the leg routine, you went, you're wearing a garbage shirt. I'll tell you what does not make women go hallelujah. Garbage shirts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy.

[Jake Johnson]

And so you could say, and I did hear it, Gareth, I'm just pushing. But when that shirt comes on, you can do anything he wants. There's not a chance it's happening that day because he's wearing garbage. And then he's gotta go, why am I wearing garbage? Because it's a very easy thing to do, to frame the shirt and say. You could say, hey, I know you love this shirt. Why don't we frame it for you? You have it. It's part of your life. It connected to your dad. You love it. But let's stop putting it on the bodies that we use to pleasure each other, and let's let the garbage either go as garbage art or where garbage belongs, and that's in a trash can.

[Joy]

I think I like the pitch. I think he would just wear it after or, like, on other days. Like, I don't think it would get him to throw it away.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I'll move away from it. I think there's. Okay. There's a couple things we could probably do, I think, to. What Natalie was saying is like, I think you should probably set up that a couple friends. Like two friends of yours who are a couple, randomly stop over with a bottle of wine, and he gets busted in that shirt when you're wearing a nice little outfit, and then you're standing next to Trash man and so that they. So you don't shield him from the outside attention. You invite it. You don't tell this, but they stop by, and then they can go, whoa, whoa, what the hell is that? And that can kind of spur you into sort of maybe what Jake's talking about a little bit, which is like, hey, it is pretty bad. And maybe what you do is you get a replica shirt made so that when he's like, you get another. Whatever it says, like, loves Jesus. Whatever. The sort of Airbnb quote that's on the front of it is you. You have that coming, too. So you could kind of embarrass him. Then you go, hey, it's kind of an unfuckable shirt to me. And then you go, I've replaced it. Let's go bury it in the yard or throw it in the landfill.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I push something a little bit different, Joy, on this?

[Joy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You okay to lie?

[Joy]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We didn't need the O.

[Jake Johnson]

But make it disappear. We're gonna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're talking. Good fellows.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You know what I mean? I was about to say, he's gonna swim with the fishes, but Joy Jolie, with all great mob hits, it's untraceable. Nobody knows who killed him. What I mean is, next time you see that shirt in the laundry bin, very quietly put it in a bag. Next time you go, make it swim with the fishes, you know it's gonna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Disintegrate with the fish.

[Jake Johnson]

Goes, have you seen my love light Jesus shirt? And you go, no. He goes, it was in the laundry bin. You go, okay. Anyway, so I was watching this show. He goes, I just haven't seen it. And you go, I. I don't know. Caleb. He keeps looking around. It's gone. What would you like me to do? It disappeared in the middle of the night instead.

[Joy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Bottom of the lake.

[Joy]

I'm at that point.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think let's do it. I think what I would say to Steve on top. Oh, my God. On top of that. I love it. On top of that, Eric. Wow. That is just an unbelievable get. Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a shirt, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am garbage doing everything I can around that thing. Why don't you. You also lose something. I'm missing something, too. But, Jake, why don't you act it out with her now so we can see.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How she handles it? Because this is a. This is. This is a Whopper.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Joy, would you truthfully consider doing this? And then rather than throwing it out, what we can do is we can send it to Steve. And by sending it to Steve, it's dead. Or you could send it to either. We can just get. You could throw it out. You could send it to. We could do whatever we want with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But what do you think?

[Joy]

I like it. Yeah. I think it needs to go somewhere.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So rather than. So if it really goes sideways and he's really sad, a follow could be in two years, we send it back to him. But it's. You know, we could do. You could send it, and then in a year or so, if you're like, he's kind of sad, we can send it back to him framed so he can't take it out of the frame. Right. But we'll have.

[Joy]

I thought about that. If we could turn it into something, but I couldn't. But I think I couldn't think of anything.

[Jake Johnson]

Garbage. I wouldn't want to take a Whopper wrapper and be like, let's really honor it. Well, it's a Whopper wrapper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I think let's start with that version. If you like that. Let's start there. And then if he is, like, he is ruined by this news.

[Jake Johnson]

Figure that out later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We could probably have someone try to stitch it together, like, and fill the holes with some patchwork or something.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's that artist who made that weird doll with the vagina. She's the real deal, man. She. All she does is stitch work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we'll cover the holes with vaginas. That just. That is. I love the language of the show sometimes. We've got that artist. Yeah. But if he is heartbroken, we can reach out to our vagina artist and see if she can maybe fill some of the major issues on the shirt. But maybe we start nuclear and you just get rid of it and it swims with the fishes. Is that where you're leaning?

[Joy]

I think I probably will need to lean that way. I did like the idea of people coming over because I know that would bother him to be exposed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So let. You want to do a role play, See how it would go?

[Joy]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so I'm gonna be. You're. You. How aggressive is Caleb? What's his kind of vibe? I don't want to do this just for the bit. I want to actually practice.

[Joy]

He's really chill. I. I don't think. Yeah, not aggressive.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a natural character for me. Yeah, go on.

[Joy]

That's why he's wearing that.

[Jake Johnson]

How tall? Like six? 2, 6, 3 5, 11. Little guy. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Short king.

[Jake Johnson]

Short king with. Wearing garbage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Short king with trash thrown.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. What does he call you?

[Joy]

What does he call me?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Joy. Honey.

[Joy]

Well, I use a. Yeah, Honey.

[Jake Johnson]

Honey. Okay. Hey, honey.

[Joy]

Yeah?

[Jake Johnson]

Have you seen my home shirt?

[Joy]

Which one?

[Jake Johnson]

You know, the one with the. That my dad gave me that I wear everyone like. Oh, I haven't seen, like.

[Joy]

Yeah, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Have you seen it?

[Joy]

Oh, I don't know. I haven't seen it recently. When did you wear it last?

[Jake Johnson]

I think I wore it last week, but then after this weekend, I think you did the laundry and now it's gone. But everything else was in there. It was like my. That said those black shorts I always wear were in there. And then. Yeah, I just. It's the only thing that I can't find.

[Joy]

Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I'll keep an eye out for it.

[Jake Johnson]

But when you did laundry, did you see it in the laundry? Did you wash it and dry it?

[Joy]

No, I didn't.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay.

[Joy]

I forgot about it.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean you forgot about it? Oh, if you did, you forgot about it.

[Joy]

Yeah, I forgot about it.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean you forgot about it? You forgot about what?

[Joy]

I didn't look for it when I was doing the laundry.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I didn't ask last weekend. Why would you look for one specific thing that. But when you were doing it. You've seen my clothes? I don't have. Not a fashion model. I don't have that much. Did you see it and then you see it in there that you saw?

[Joy]

I didn't see it in there. Maybe it. Maybe it went under the bed or something instead of going in the hamper.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, one. I should go. But One more thing. I know you took the shirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, chick. No, that's.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a crazy thing to say. Maybe it went under the bed. Yeah, but you pushed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You pushed because she. Which is good.

[Jake Johnson]

You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You. We put her through it. I will. I thought that was pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think, Joy? You and Gareth do it now? Because I honestly thought that was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Question. All right, I'll do. I have one question for you. Are you always doing the laundry? Joy, does he sometimes do it?

[Joy]

I normally do it because I love doing the laundry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting answer.

[Joy]

So I don't know that he would believe. Yeah, all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Here we go. Hey, honey.

[Joy]

Yeah?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you seen my. My Jesus love shirt? The one my dad gave me?

[Joy]

Oh, no, I haven't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I put it in the hamper.

[Joy]

Is it not in the closet?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's nowhere.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, where?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I'm so confused. Everything else that you washed is there.

[Joy]

Weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you see it when you watched it? I'm kind of upset because that means a lot to me. My dad gave it to me.

[Joy]

Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna. I'll double check for you because I know maybe you just didn't see it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's honestly stressing me out a little bit, so I don't know.

[Joy]

Oh.

[Alexa]

Oh, no.

[Joy]

Well, I'll look for it. If we don't see it, I don't know why.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've looked everywhere. I'm. It's just weird for it to not be there. You didn't like.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a jump, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But pushing her. Get her. Give her every option.

[Jake Johnson]

But she was doing really good.

[Natalie]

Joy, does he know you hate the shirt? Have you asked him if you can throw it away before?

[Joy]

Yes.

[Natalie]

Yeah, if that was me, I would be like, you hate this shirt. You definitely dumped it. You don't lose laundry ever before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Natalie, you do it with her. Let's go.

[Natalie]

I mean, he's chill. I'm not chill.

[Jake Johnson]

So facts. So, Natalie, what's your pitch?

[Natalie]

I think you have to, like, lock it in a frame. I would also be really mad if someone threw away something from me. You know, he's passed this. Dad passed away.

[Jake Johnson]

Dad's alive.

[Joy]

That is alive.

[Natalie]

Oh, okay. Just get him a new shirt. Dad.

[Joy]

There is no replacement. I have gone online.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we didn't.

[Jake Johnson]

Ask dad for a new shirt.

[Joy]

That could work for Christmas.

[Jake Johnson]

For Christmas? Why don't we have dad? How about this? Ask dad for three of his shirts that he has and say when he goes, what are these? You go, these are your dad's. Shirts. I'm getting rid of the other one. And my Christmas gift is I throw out the other one.

[Natalie]

You know, does his. Does his. Are his mom and dad still together?

[Joy]

Yes.

[Natalie]

Does his mom hate any of his dad's shirts?

[Jake Johnson]

This is great.

[Natalie]

And then you get three of the shirts that his mom hates seeing his dad wear. And then you can get them.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a great idea. And then you send her three shirts that you hate from yours so he can't get mad. You go, I'm doing this with your mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The hate swap.

[Jake Johnson]

The hate swap.

[Joy]

That could work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, you think if you tee it up like that, then you'll be able to get it out of there?

[Jake Johnson]

Caleb will laugh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Only thing I think is the dad could be like, caleb, let the shirt go.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but this is a. I think, Joy, this is a great idea. If you engage the mom, she takes a couple of his shirts, you take. And even if it's just one to one, you just do a swap and then the mom could throw out the shirt. It's her. It's her husband's old one.

[Joy]

I think that would work.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Will you.

[Joy]

I think you'd be happy.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you going to call your mother in law or text her?

[Joy]

I can. I'll text her. I can text her.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you text her now?

[Joy]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, great.

[Joy]

I can text her.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you gonna text her? You want to just open up the phone?

[Joy]

She recently asked about Christmas gifts we wanted so I would honestly be replying to that.

[Jake Johnson]

Joy, open up that goddamn phone text.

[Joy]

Okay, let's just do this.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's just do this now. I should do it. Yeah, let's just eat the goddamn cold slow. Let's not talk about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If only he knew right now the lengths that this shirt was driving a show to.

[Jake Johnson]

If he knew people right now are driving to work in Greenland going like this. It's trash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's wearing garbage. Yeah. Talk to his mom. He's wearing garbage.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, this. And then luckily Natalie came in because you cannot throw the trash with the fish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Their marriage is going to be over. What are you writing to her, Joy?

[Joy]

I'm gonna say hi. Just a Christmas idea. Caleb loves the shirt he got from his dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, could we hear it, Jake? Do we want her to just say, hey, are you around for a quick chat about Christmas? I have an idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it might be hard with the zoom with her and it feels like it might be a situation where it gets confusing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Does mother in law have a good sense of humor? Do you think she'll Be into. Like, she'll.

[Joy]

Yeah, Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so. Just a Christmas idea. Caleb loves the blue shirt he got from his dad. Could we get a couple more from him as a gift? Or do you want me to go more with the trade of.

[Jake Johnson]

It's up to you, Joy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I think maybe start there.

[Joy]

I don't know that they need their church back.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. So then say, can we get a couple more and then maybe send a photo, but maybe without holes.

[Joy]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So that she goes. Oh, my God, Caleb.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long have you had this shirt again?

[Joy]

Since 2020. So for five years, but it's probably 20 years old. That's why it disintegrated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Joy]

I like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

Joy, thank you for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Joy. Follow up.

[Jake Johnson]

Like this is gonna be one. We want to know what happens either way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Oh, yeah, I will. This is a Christmas. Great for Christmas. All right, Joy.

[Joy]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Joy]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are brought to you by Angry Orchard. Angry Orchard Hard cider welcome. Welcome to freaky season. Officially, Angry Orchard has partnered with the Jason universe this fall to bring some new sweet treats. You're getting a new limited edition Glow in the Dark thriller pack that includes four unique flavors, including blood orange, inspired by the Jason special collectible Jason Crisp Apple 16 ounce and 24 ounce cans. And last but not least, just in time for movie nights, Sweet Revenge, a 13 minute short vignette that brings Jason back to the screen for the first time in 16 years. Directing. Hosted by Mike P. Nelson. Grab freaky good cider from Angry orchard@angry orchard.com Halloween. And while you're there, watch the new Jason vignette, Sweet Revenge and shop the collab merch. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. Oh, sweet Squarespace. Look, all in one website platform there to make you succeed online. You're starting your small business, you're scaling up. You want to claim your domain, you want to show people what you have, grow your brand, get paid. All these things. They sound pretty good, right? Well, then you go with Squarespace and you're going to get it done.

[Jake Johnson]

If you're going to build a website, go to Squarespace. Don't be a nutball. You want to see how it works? Go to garethreynolds.com okay. Go to garethreynolds dot com and look at the website. It looks good, it's professional. And a dope like Gareth made it. And that's not being mean, that's being honest. He's dopey. He doesn't understand things. He's bad with technology. But he did it and nobody helped him. He pressed the buttons on the keyboard. He figured it out. So could you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it gives you everything you need. Offers you services to get paid. All in one place could showcase what you have going on. They have cutting edge design tools so you can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits with your brand or business. SEO tools. What's SEO stand for? Why? Search Engine optimization. You're going to get discovered now because Squarespace's SEO tools are going to get you noticed. So go to squarespace.com GilSentMe for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And we are brought to you by Mint Mobile. Most holiday gifts end up in a drawer or the back of your closet or accidentally left at your cousin's house. But not this one. Your cousin's not getting this one. Mint Mobile is offering unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month. That's their best deal of the year, aka the only holiday gift you'll actually use every single day. So Mint Mobile's best deal of the year is happening right now. So get a 3, a 6, or a 12 month unlimited plan for $15 a month. All their plans come with all the same stuff. The high speed data, the unlimited talk and text. Nation's largest 5G network. You can bring your current phone, you can bring your phone number. So all these things, all these talking points you're trying to push back on, they're not holding up in Mint Mobile court. My guy, I switched to Mint Mobile. There is really no difference. It's the same thing. The only difference is the price. Okay? So get involved. This. Here's what you're not gonna do. Don't get them socks.

[Jake Johnson]

Get them premium wireless for 15amonth. Shop Mint Unlimited [e-mail] here to help. That's mintmobile.com here to help. Limited time. Offer upfront payment of 45 for three months. $90 for six months or 180 for 12 months. Plan required, $15 a month. Equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term Only greater than 35 GBS. May slow when network is busy. Capable devices required. Availability, speed and Coverage varies. See mintmobile.com hello.

[Joy]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi there. Welcome to. We're here to help. Can we get your name, please?

[Joy]

My name is Allison.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Allison. Allison, whereabouts you calling from roughly?

[Joy]

San Antonio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Approximate age 28. 28. Okay. All right. You got Jake, you got Gareth. Why don't you just jump in, tell us what's going on.

[Joy]

Okay, so, long story short, over the summer, my husband's uncle listed a scooter for sale and kept it at my father in law's house. So we saw it often. My husband drove around and jokingly offered like $500 for it. Well, he accepted it. So now we have this scooter. It's a two seater, and my husband wants me to ride with him. But the thing is, his uncle is part of the nudist community, so he wants me to ride around on the scooter with him, but I'm not too keen on that, especially because my husband said because of our weight difference, it's better if I drive it, but that would mean that my crotch would be where his, like their ass has been. And there's not enough bleach in the world to take care of that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, fuck. I just looked up for the first time.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, we're seeing the scooter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've got a close up of the seat. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry. That's condensation. I literally thought it had.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a coloring change. So we're looking at a scooter right now.

[Joy]

I was looking because I was like, well, it's a little dewy this morning, so. Because I took that picture this morning, so I didn't forget. And I was like, oh, man, there's definitely an imprint, because I really didn't look like that well on the scooter before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But how long.

[Jake Johnson]

I can see what you're saying. The.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's a kind of a green black scooter. It's kind of cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is kind of cool. It's like a little pulley.

[Joy]

Yeah, it's a nice little bit of scooter. It really is.

[Jake Johnson]

I can't believe you got that for 500 bucks. I would have spent 500 bucks on this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is where I knew Jake was gonna go. So have you. Have you ridden on it at all?

[Joy]

No, I'm too scared to sit on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long has the scooter been in the possession of your husband?

[Joy]

It's been about a month. I would say almost close to a month.

[Jake Johnson]

But let's. Let's be real for a second, Allison. I just got to get to planet Earth for a second, so. I love this setup. I think you've done a wonderful job. Your husband's uncle used a bare nut butthole on that scooter, and that is gross.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Especially right look.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's gross.

[Jake Johnson]

Nobody on planet Earth is going, that's cool. No, now it's been cleaned. And you're not going bare vagina on this, are you? You got underpants, right? So, no, but covering up your privates.

[Joy]

Like, I don't know, it's just. It's just so too weird for me. And, like, I even, like, looked at, like, oh, can I replace the seat? Or anything? But no, those seats cost a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, but, Allison, how about this? You ever go to a restaurant?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Movie?

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. You ever go to a restaurant?

[Joy]

I do.

[Jake Johnson]

You ever use a fork?

[Joy]

Is it weird to say I asked for the plastic dust?

[Jake Johnson]

No. That's interesting that you have. That's. That's quite a tell. So you never use a used fork?

[Joy]

Oh, not. Not just Covid. No.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, you know what? Then I'm wrong, because this is your. Because I do. And guess what? It's just going in some disgusting restaurant dishwasher. It's in every slob's mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you might have just sold me in the other direction. It's gross. Does say we put, like, a bit of fabric over that? Does that help you at all?

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you another thing that's gross. I went to the Russian baths in New York City. These things have been around for over 100 years. I'm just cooking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you went in the water.

[Jake Johnson]

I went in the water. I went in all the rooms. Just bacon, Gareth. It got Old World smells in there. What were you saying, Allison? So your thing would put a different seat cover on it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, a fabric, something to sort of separate it all. Is that possible? Or are you looking for us to give you a reasonable out to never go on the scooter or I challenge you. Wrong direction, amigo.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll give you a hundred bucks if you smell the seat on video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wrong. What?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm just making shit up, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

Tired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. Lock in. All right, so, Allison, are you. We want to help you, so why don't you just, bottom line the question? Yes.

[Joy]

So I think my question is because I really don't want to ride the scooter. I would say I need some kind of Out. I told him. He's like, oh, let's go take it for a ride. I'm like, no. Like, I have stuff to do around the house. Or. No, we don't, like, have the helmets yet. No, we didn't change the tile over or anything. So, like, looking up.

[Jake Johnson]

What irrational fear of falling equivalent to. And we've talked about this earlier, but, like, on The Maury Porvin Show. They used to have people who was, like, afraid of ketchup, afraid of pickles, have a dream one night and wake up and go, I had a nightmare where I fell off the scooter and be like, I'm petrified. And when you go around it, do, like, a weird shake where he's like, whoa. Allison is having a reaction to this scooter. And go, I'm fine with you riding it. I can't go around that fucking thing. It's like a tarantula to me.

[Joy]

Oh, that could work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's. That look. I mean, I actually was on my friend's moped, and he hit a curb, and we went down, and I cracked, like, three rib. I mean, it is no joke. Like, so you. I don't think that's a crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

You were on the back of the moped?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Was Luke driving?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, Allison. So I don't think that's irrational. That feels very possible. I could give you a couple other options that are in the direction of. We could do. You could. You could go for a ride and fake an itch after.

[Jake Johnson]

This is interesting as hell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could fake it.

[Jake Johnson]

I actually love this and that itch. I wouldn't say it, Allison. I would say burn. And that burn is preventing you from doing other stuff with your partner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And maybe you're a little irritated. Maybe if you mention that you don't really want to because he's nude, but you do it, and then you have an itch.

[Jake Johnson]

And here's what you do. You wear a skirt that day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And you go, so you. Something from his butt. Butt got into my vagina. And you go, it's on fire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

He goes, what? You go, I got his butt juice on me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I think if you. One ride can get you out forever.

[Jake Johnson]

And then he goes later, a couple days later, he's like, hey, are you awake? Then he go. And you go, I got scooter vagina.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It still hurts.

[Joy]

You know what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what you would call it? Scooter cooter.

[Jake Johnson]

You got scooter Cooter. Scooter. Cooter means the nudist rode on a scooter. Their butt juice got on your cooter and ruined it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, great. Now I got scooter cooter Hank.

[Jake Johnson]

And it doesn't feel good. It's uncomfortable, the banging around. You got the. I. Allison, this sounds like we're making a joke. I promise you this works. You say you can't do it because you get scooter Cooter. And that means the bumping and riding whatever was on his butt irritates your vagina in a way. You either ride the scooter or you ride him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think also if you did it, even if he's like, that's irrational, not connected. It just gives you enough of a bridge between how weird it is to have your wife sit on your uncle's nut spot. On a scooter?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You don't just say you're afraid of getting Scooter Cooter, which is a real thing, and it's your friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Y.

[Jake Johnson]

You heard on a podcast these guys talking about scooter, which you did. No, I'm not saying Pigley and Mo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm saying weird out the slippery slope.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I agree. Fine. Don't mention the podcast. But just say you're afraid of getting Scooter Cooter. He goes, what? Scooter Cooter. You go. When you sit on a scooter that somebody's butt juices were on, you could get an infection.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's like putting your bare skin on a movie theater seat.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's try this for a second. Allison, will you be you. And I'm gonna be your boyfriend. And can you explain to me why you don't want to ride it using Scooter Cooter?

[Joy]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Hey, hon. Want to go for a ride on my new scooter? I just. It's so fun.

[Joy]

No, I really don't want to.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, it's so fun. You have to drive because of our weight difference.

[Joy]

Oh, but I told you, like, I don't want to. And I found this new thing. It's called Scooter Cooter. I know it sounds crazy, but, you know, like, it's.

[Alexa]

It's a poss.

[Joy]

And, you know, where are my chances? Like, I. I would. I would be that one in a million, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

Scooter Cooter.

[Joy]

Oh, dude, it's like. It's like, you know where you'd, like, sit on a contaminated scooter. It's common and, like, used vehicles and stuff, and it caused, like, this red itchiness. It can cause blisters. Like, no, no, I. I'm not. I don't want to go further. Like, no, It's a no for me.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll bleach the seat.

[Joy]

No, it. I don't think bleach will take care of it.

[Jake Johnson]

Wear denim, dude.

[Joy]

It is too hot in Texas to wear denim. You know that.

[Jake Johnson]

Wear shorts, dude.

[Joy]

You want. Okay, so then I have exposed legs for it. To climb up. Huh.

[Jake Johnson]

And what does Scooter Cooter do? You just get a little bit of an itch on your cooter?

[Joy]

No, I said it has this rash and stuff. And I have to go to the doctor. And then how am I going to explain that to the doctor that I sound on a contaminated scooter with my husband?

[Jake Johnson]

Holy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Allison, you volleyed everyone back perfectly. You.

[Jake Johnson]

I tried to put you in a corner, and you just knocked me out. That was a master class.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. That's how. That is how you do it.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, if you do that, if I'm the guy who owns. If I'm your husband, I don't think I've lost. But I'm not asking you anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you know what else? There's the right amount of Its kind of endearing ish. That you're not gonna push too hard because you're like, Jesus Christ.

[Jake Johnson]

Well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. She's got Scooter Cooter in her head.

[Jake Johnson]

But also pushing hard with. I'm not taking the chance. I get Scooter Cooter. Yeah. As if. I wouldn't even say there's a thing. Make it seem like everybody knows what Scooter Cooter is. I'm not getting it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What's Scooter Cooter? It's Scooter Cooter. It's where you could never heard. It's how every woman knows about this. Yeah, it's a woman thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think?

[Jake Johnson]

That women has to spread their legs their cooters right there. It's disgusting. That's why.

[Joy]

I think that would work really well.

[Jake Johnson]

I do, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think if you're good with it, I mean, I feel like. Look it again. You have a great foundation, which is that this. This is gross. I mean, it is. It is gross. It's like, I. That is not a crazy thing to be like. I don't want to sit where your uncle's nuts were forever.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a question for you, Allison. Can you really try to record this audio of the voice note in your phone?

[Joy]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But. And again, would two things. One, obviously, we don't want him to know that part of it way. Okay. Because that, I think, is not only not what we're going for, it undercuts your argument, and it just turns it.

[Jake Johnson]

Into a joke and it's not fun. Then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think the other thing is we can't see your face. It. Sometimes it just. Make sure to have a focus on your mouth, too. The less smiling, the better. Even if it feels kind of silly that you're having this conversation, get the mouth to commit with as straight a face as possible, because you sold it verbally very well.

[Jake Johnson]

It was excellent.

[Joy]

Yeah, that would be my downfall, because I cannot lie to him.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not lying, Scooter Cooter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The thing is, the way that you were volleying it back, even if there's, like, a smirk, you're allowed to smirk. It sounds legit. Yeah, it's a crazy little conversation, this.

[Jake Johnson]

Allison, for real now. And you're not lying. Scooter cooter is a real thing. And what happens is, on scooter seats, sometimes women can get infections because their legs are spread. And the cooter. The scooter germs can get near the cooter. And what it can lead to is burning rash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're talking about not to. Not to go at the newt. But he's a nudist. Who knows what he was playing with? I mean, he could. Who knows what he might have that.

[Jake Johnson]

Might be cooking in that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Joy]

And I've never met the guy, honestly, like, so I don't know what he's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't. Doesn't matter.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, it's Allison. And I say this to every person I meet. It is your job to protect your cooter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Jake has always said that, even at.

[Jake Johnson]

Times when it is out with so wrong. I get on a plane, they say, what's your seat number? I say, 14D. They go to the right. I go, it's your job to protect your cooter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. It's a. It's become a problem, to be honest. But I think coming from you, it'll be fine. But for Jake, we are trying to kind of make it limit. It's just. It's great that it's applicable now.

[Jake Johnson]

It means a lot to me. Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Just don't get Scooter Cooter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the more you know. Don't get Scooter Cooter.

[Jake Johnson]

That is the more you know. For this, we should actually. Jesse, can we maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The star.

[Jake Johnson]

Get the star with the song, but get Steve Berg to go. Don't get Scooter Cooter and play that. Absolutely, Absolutely. Thank you, sir. Allison, will you follow up with us? This is gonna work?

[Joy]

Oh, absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Allison, go get him then.

[Jake Johnson]

Before we go, Gareth, will you give us how you think Steve Berg's will go? We'll play his right after yours, but just to take us out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Hey, careful out there. Don't Get Scooter Cooter.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what he would say? Hey, female friends of mine. Or hey, lady, the planet Earth. We all know we love an adventure. So do I. I love adventures.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Sisters, moms, daughters, aunts, whatever you are. Grandmas, be careful out there, okay? It's a real jungle. That's why you don't want to get on some weirdo's moped all willy nilly. Be careful out there. You could get scooter Cooter, the star.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Allison.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, Allison.

[Joy]

Thank you. Appreciate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, bye. Ladies out there. Sure. There are times where I'm sure you're tempted to get in a scooter and let your hair flow in the wind while careening down an empty street. Hi, My name is Dr. Berg from the Berg Medical Institute of Idaho. I'm here today to tell you a little bit about a new epidemic going around called scooter cooter. Scooter cooter occurs when a female sits on a scooter seat. It is potentially fatal and it's a nasty little thing that you do not want. So at all costs, women avoid getting on a scooter whenever, every time. Never do it. Don't do it. You will get scooter Cooter. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll start us g. All right, great.

[Natalie]

Jesse, sorry, can you come back? Do you want to do. It's a two person follow up. Do you want to do one first or let them in at the same time?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think. I think we can let them in at the same time. I don't see why not.

[Natalie]

Okay, sounds good. Here you go. Two people for you. One you've talked to and one you have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting noise.

[Jake Johnson]

Really crazy sound effect here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll do it real quick.

[Joy]

Go.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie, will you make sure when this episode starts it starts with all of that that just happened behind the scenes. So then the audience and there's nothing.

[Natalie]

You can do about that then, can you?

[Jake Johnson]

So we can see if. Cuz I'm going to talk about a lot. So then it's just wasted time. We can see if it was a good idea to have one or two callers come at once or separate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Jake fighting you in the edit battle. I'm going to keep talking about it.

[Natalie]

Really making Sweet Jesse's life really hard because he's gonna have to go through and cut everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not gonna confront Jake or.

[Jake Johnson]

Or we're gonna just put it in the show and let the audience see that. I thought Gareth's impression was Perfect. I think they would enjoy that, Natalie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, that's a performance, basically performance based show.

[Natalie]

All right, here's your callers.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Joy]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. I think we've got two callers on at once. And that is per Natalie. No, I'm sorry, that was per Jesse. He wanted two callers on at once. Is that right, Jesse?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's correct.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, Jesse, will you take over for a second? Just because you wanted two on, could you get it a little bit set up? And also, so editorially, it's really hard if we don't do that beginning. Go ahead, Jesse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought it made sense to bring them both on together because the two callers are not in conflict with each other particularly.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, wonderful. So then, Jesse, who should we talk to first?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's talk to Whitney first.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Whitney.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Joy]

How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome to the show or welcome back to the show? Can you tell us who you are? Did you ever call this show what's Happening?

[Joy]

Yes. So I am popcorn wife. Yes. Not too long ago. And you and Gareth and Elise. Wonderful, sweet Elise suggested popcorn throne. So if you remember.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't remember. Hold on. So will you. Whitney. Whitney, not Gareth. Yeah. Whitney, will you rehash what your problem was?

[Joy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And our pitch actually was to you.

[Joy]

Yeah. So my husband had a really weird obsession of eating multiple bowls of popcorn a night all into the night. So three to four bowls. And he would make it very specifically, you know, with the kernels, the salt, the maker, not microwave. And it was in the bed. It was making a mess. It was just getting everywhere. And so you. You guys suggested we have a media room that we're converting, like a media room office to make it into a popcorn room only and to keep the popcorn in that room, you know, to not take it away from him, but just to kind of re put where it's being at. So it's not in the bed, it's in a specific room. So that's. Yeah. And a great idea and concept. Very happy with the idea and I was very excited about it. We sound proof.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not great.

[Joy]

No, it was great. It was great. Especially for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Joy]

I don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. So I soundproofed the room. I got a nice tv, I got a couch. I sent some pictures. You know, I try to make it comfortable, but I think because he works from home in there too, he's done with that room at the end of the day, honestly. And it was really hard keeping him in there. I did try putting my scent in the room and my shirt and all of that. It just didn't work like I wanted to.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're saying he's an animal.

[Joy]

Exactly. You know, I was in there with him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was that part of what we had? We pitched scenting it of you.

[Jake Johnson]

That's.

[Joy]

I. I kind of talked about that. Jake specifically told me I need to keep him in there. And I said, well, well, I. He's not a dog, but I'll try.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's face realizing he pitched that is phenomenal.

[Joy]

That's attract.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but you're you chimp guy.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but chimps aren't smell guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's not do that.

[Joy]

But it was okay. It was good.

[Jake Johnson]

So you created a room. Things that smell like you in there for some reason. So while he's eating, he's like, Jesus Christ. Wow. Smells like my wife in here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want to leave. I got popcorn. My wife smells.

[Jake Johnson]

I wanted to eat popcorn, but hey, it's disgusting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Secret.

[Joy]

But I have. I have a good news on the end of it. So. You know, I don't just take one thing and then defeat. Right? We keep going. When we fall down, we get back up.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what we do here about taking shots.

[Joy]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. That's your family song.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. No clue what you're talking about. She was like, yeah.

[Joy]

Oh, I thought you were talking about alcohol at first.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Joy]

I also, I do love Chamberlain. Also. The other part of the story you might not remember is he is a brain cancer survivor. He's on dialysis.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, right.

[Joy]

He has kidney failure.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus Christ.

[Joy]

Yeah. You've been going through a lot, but I reminded you in the call, that was the one calling in, and you were on my side and to remember to stick to the rules. So you were starting to turn.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm trying to turn again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Joy]

But I. I compromised. I started to just say, you know what? I'm just going to have popcorn with him and aid into the addiction. But we're going to have to set some boundaries. So one to two bowls a night, max. We got to cut you off at 2 because first of all, I'm worried your colon, I mean, it's just not healthy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two bowls of popcorn is plenty, plenty.

[Joy]

And they're big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is he at the movies every night?

[Jake Johnson]

That's crazy.

[Joy]

No, it's bad, Jake. It's really bad. He brings it on vacation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We have this guy brings it on vacation.

[Jake Johnson]

Guy had got cancer. He got knocked down. He got back up again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God, Don't Jumba W him. Let's remember that we do have him.

[Jake Johnson]

On the call right now, which we love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's on the call. That was my.

[Jake Johnson]

That was it. Wait, so hold on, just to be clear, Natalie, right now there's a little weird transition because Chumba W was on the call, but he's been listening this whole time. Is that correct, Natalie?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Silently.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. So. What? Hey, sir, can we get your name, please?

[Alexa]

Hey, guys, this is Alexa. How you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Alexa. Hey. You got knocked down. And you got up again, sir. Bravo from us in the community, you bad man.

[Alexa]

Thank you. Thank you. Jake. I just want to say, as a brain cancer survivor, someone who works full time, is a great dad, and is currently on dialysis, do I not deserve popcorn at the end of the night? Do I not deserve that?

[Jake Johnson]

Right, My king. Hey, Whitney.

[Joy]

Bye bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye, Whitney. Whitney.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you see what he did to me? Playing my hard ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

String works full time.

[Joy]

I want him on the call again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And hey, guess what, Alexand. I'm not technically a brain cancer. We all know something's wrong with my brain, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's something in there that's not a brain.

[Jake Johnson]

Probably worse if I gotta eat five weird things of popcorn at the end of the night. I got knocked down. Down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got up again. Well, now, hold on. So I will say, first of all, Alexa, look, it's great that you're here. Thank you for being here. We don't know why he put her scent in that room. We don't remember whose idea that was.

[Jake Johnson]

Dunk, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a strange one.

[Jake Johnson]

We're sorry about that, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we apologize. There is the. How were you? Did Whitney. Did you tell him about this plan or did you just kind of let it play out a little bit?

[Jake Johnson]

Bit. Good question.

[Joy]

That's a very good question. So I did tell him that, hey, I really want to support you and make a media room. I think it would be nice to have your own special space for your hobbies. And he was on board, but, you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Know, he didn't realize it was just going to be your dirty laundry and popcorn.

[Joy]

He'll tell you this is what his. You speak, Alexa, and you tell him, I mean, what your response was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they.

[Joy]

She.

[Alexa]

She did do a great job with getting the media room set up. Couch, we have tv, soundproof the room. It was great. And I was able to, you know, watch my movies in there. Work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But.

[Alexa]

Yeah, it was. It was hard staying in there to eat the popcorn at night because usually the kids go down at 9ish. And after a long day, I'm not really looking to sit upright and eat popcorn. I'm looking to like, like lay down.

[Jake Johnson]

But tell me why you prefer to lay down. Just cuz you're tired. We, yeah, we are seeing photos of a room with little things of popcorn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are seeing some evidence of the initial problem to sort of remind us what got us here.

[Jake Johnson]

I will say this. There's not a lot of popcorn. It's just like one piece.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but a little popcorn.

[Joy]

No, no, it's everywhere.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not everywhere. There's one piece on the floor, there's one piece on the couch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every.

[Jake Johnson]

That's one piece of popcorn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's in trouble.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm looking at this room. You know what I'm seeing? Whitney, you're a goddamn clean freak. I would eat sushi carpeted floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus God. What? Sushi is your united in sushi off a carpet.

[Alexa]

Jake, Jake, Jake. I still have to live with her after the phone call.

[Jake Johnson]

Whitney, you stop talking, Alexa, and go on.

[Joy]

You know what I said?

[Alexa]

I said, jake, I have to still live with her after this phone call.

[Jake Johnson]

And we're gonna make it work. Let me just say something to both of you before we say anything else, okay? Just to keep everything. Very good. Truth is, I thought it mattered. I thought that music mattered. But does it bollocks? Not compared to how people matter. We'll be singing when we're winning. Will be singing. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down. Okay. He drinks a whiskey drink. He drinks a vodka drink. He drinks a lager drink. He drinks a cider.

[Joy]

He would die at this point. He has no kidney.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake, this song is about alcoholism.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, very much alcoholism this is.

[Jake Johnson]

But now listen to Whitney, the other thing we've got. Okay, truth is, I thought it mattered. I thought the music mattered. But does it box? Not compared to how people matter. I eat a little bit of popcorn. I eat a little bit of popcorn. I eat a little bit of popcorn. I eat a little bit of popcorn. That's your chumbawoman. He's not drinking a whiskey, drink a vodka, drink a lager, drink a cider drink. He sings the songs that remind him of the good times. He sings the songs that remind him of the better town. He gets knocked down, but he gets up again. And there's one to two kernels on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The floor and in the bed.

[Joy]

Thank you, dearest.

[Alexa]

And in the bed I will Say. I will say this to my wife's defenses, that. That this whole process, it really has helped cut down the popcorn. Because I will admit, although you're right, Jake, I'm siding with you as well. I mean, it's one or two kernels at most, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Most.

[Alexa]

But I am doing better with trying to clean up my mess more in the morning to make it easier for. And also, one popcorn bowl is better than three, just generally speaking. So I think there's been, like, some benefit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, me too. That's a hat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a hat.

[Jake Johnson]

Popcorn was better than three, generally speaking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a hat.

[Jake Johnson]

That is something you wear. And a flight attendant on the plane goes like this. I would agree with that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's really.

[Alexa]

This guy gets it.

[Jake Johnson]

Back, rather than, we're here to help. It says chumbawamba.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. I welcome the lawsuit.

[Jake Johnson]

But. But, Alexa, I'm sorry. So the question for you, sir. First of all, not all heroes wear cape, but guess what? Heroes get knifed down and get back again. That's what you did. And popcorn is making what for you. It makes the nights better. Why so much, though, big daddy?

[Alexa]

Yeah, with the medical stuff that's gone on, there are days where I just. I'm not hungry. I don't have a big appetite. Something about popcorn. It helps with the calorie intake. Like, I'm hungry for it. So it's a way to kind of like, fill up at the end of the night.

[Jake Johnson]

Night. Hold on, Whit. Whitney. Whitney, honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whitney. Bat in the hatch. Whitney. Get ready.

[Jake Johnson]

Love of my life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Babe.

[Jake Johnson]

My daughter. Why? Grandma. Honey bunny. Love of my life. The reason I wake up in the morning. Kiddo, are you not hearing what this man is saying?

[Joy]

It's for I do and not the update. Listen, I'm sharing the bowls with him now. Our hands romantically touch when we go in for the pieces. We watch Love is Blind. We love it. It's okay. Okay, I'm doing it now. I'm doing it now. Okay, but he has to wash his hands after. He has to brush his teeth.

[Alexa]

And then.

[Joy]

And then we can have our sweet nothings. It's fine. But it just has to be one bowl a night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's it.

[Jake Johnson]

So I'm asking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, look. Now, look, look.

[Jake Johnson]

I like you a lot, Whitney, because you don't back down. You get knocked down and you get up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. All right, look, we got.

[Natalie]

We got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we got to a good one place.

[Jake Johnson]

You drink. It's one lager. Drink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Popcorn in the bed. I think. What? So it sounds like we ran the mile to walk the block in a good way. We've. Yeah, we've tried to. I actually be.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll be honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

After seeing the popcorn room.

[Jake Johnson]

Room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's weird. It's weird to have to go into a room alone in solitary to eat.

[Jake Johnson]

A snack straight that's so clean that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That, by the way of all snacks is not a. It's not a, like, shattering snack. It's like.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but that room is so clean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she likes it. The clean is okay. And. But I do think if you're talking. If you're talking about. If you're talking about snacks, it's not like he's pounding Pringles in there, and they're just shattering all over the place.

[Jake Johnson]

Two pieces of popcorn. It added character.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she didn't send us every picture. It added character. A wild thing to say. Don't think I didn't notice.

[Joy]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it sounds like now we've come to the resolution that what we do is we limit our popcorn to one. Share our popcorn.

[Jake Johnson]

But now he's not even. He's only getting half of a. Hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He says he doesn't. What? He says he doesn't are.

[Joy]

So he makes two.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you each get a bowl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two balls. No, no.

[Joy]

He just makes multiples. But there is another golden lining to this. The butter golden lighting days from popsmith reached out to you guys, which is, I guess, this, like, phenomenal company that's like, Oprah's favorite popcorn machine. And they sent us one, and it's on the way, and I laugh because I'm like, so this isn't a great solution to the problem to send me a lifetime supply of popcorn. But I appreciate it. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know this. I can't believe.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Whitney or Natalie, will you guys jump in and give the proper shout out to the company right now?

[Joy]

Yeah, he's been great.

[Natalie]

So this is Pop Smith, and they make a really cool, like, on the stove. Popcorn maker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know what this is.

[Natalie]

Yeah. And they have their own popcorn line. And it will help, I think, with the stovetop mess, which I didn't show you guys, but there is a little bit of a stovetop mess.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. That.

[Natalie]

She said that in a video.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So first of all, thank you to Pop Smith for reaching out and for doing this. Whitney, that does make it better for you a little bit. Yeah.

[Joy]

And it's supposed to. It's like, a healthy option, too. And it makes a bigger batch. So he doesn't have to keep getting up and making multiple trips to make lots of bowls because his machine is very small. So this is like a one serving, and it's more of a fun event. Like, we can make flavors and like. Like, we could make it a date night type thing so kids go to.

[Jake Johnson]

We could embrace drinking a lager drink or a whiskey drink or a cider drink. I'm actually landing the plane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it feels like you left the cockpit a long time ago. You're just shouting through the loudspeaker.

[Jake Johnson]

Everyone's screaming on the plane, oh, Danny boy, Danny boy. Danny, Danny boy. We're trying to land the plane. Okay. You're just pissing the night away. Pissing the night away. Okay. Don't cry for me next door neighbor. I'm trying to land the plane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Rather than a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, a cider drink, it's one Popsmith popcorn treat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

That's all I was trying to say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the word special.

[Jake Johnson]

That's. That's special. That's all I was trying to say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And can we just say that I get knocked down. No.

[Jake Johnson]

Now I'll tell you up again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quiet. Stay down.

[Jake Johnson]

And you're never going to keep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stay down. Pop Smith came in and saved this a lot, but it does now seem like. Now, unfortunately, Whitney, you are synonymous with popcorn. But in a great.

[Joy]

I'm popcorn queen and he's popcorn colonel for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And, yeah, I mean, I think it's a good thing.

[Joy]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I. I think it's a. Can I ask my guy a question?

[Alexa]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

You happy with this stuff?

[Alexa]

I like it. I'm happy with it.

[Natalie]

Yes.

[Alexa]

I'm happy with it. You guys do good work. You guys are doing good work.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys have. Some would say the best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some would say the best.

[Alexa]

Some would.

[Jake Johnson]

Some would say the best, and definitely. Can I ask you a question, my lady? My queen? My popcorn queen. Queen.

[Joy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Light in my eye the reason I wake up in the morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you happy with this?

[Joy]

I'm happy. I'm satisfied. Ring the damn bell, Jake, ring the bell.

[Jake Johnson]

Ding, ding, ding. Can all four of us really quickly just sing? No, don't do it.

[Joy]

Oh, God, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Whitney, election. Thank you for the.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, okay, okay. Take it back. You guys are a wonderful couple. Thank you guys for calling. You guys got knocked down by some serious stuff, but you guys did get up again. And you guys, before we go. Yeah.

[Joy]

I have one last request. When it's time for him to get his kidney because that's going to happen in March when he's eligible. We will be emailing because we go find this man a kidney because he's been knocked down and he needs to get back up again. Am I right?

[Alexa]

Jake?

[Joy]

Am I right?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Whitney, do the pitch. What do we. I mean, look, we got a popcorn maker sent to you. Let's see if we can fucking find a kid kidney.

[Joy]

There's plenty of them.

[Jake Johnson]

How do we even ask? How does that happen? We just go in March.

[Joy]

I will send you an email and it will have all the details.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you in.

[Joy]

We're in Florida, but he'll get his transplant in Birmingham, Alabama. But a kidney can come from anywhere, so it don't matter if any.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna just throw this out now. And now, is there either one of you, is there any kind of early rules or regulations? Because this could turn into the biggest chapter of the goddamn show we have ever had. Rather than the friendship game.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We might create the kidney game.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. World we're living in.

[Jake Johnson]

We might create let's Shade Our Organs Presents hosted by Gil Buchanan. Kidney is the best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd offer mine, but that would be greatly damaged.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the doctors are passing on old gillies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They apparently. I need to find one myself. I did have a whiskey drink, a lager drink, a cider drink, and I.

[Jake Johnson]

Did get back up again in 1961 and I can't remember anything since.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you what, I've been through five divorces. I've been knocked down and I've crawled up again.

[Jake Johnson]

I've financially been knocked down by duty. I've been knocked down by Carol.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rachel financially knocked me down down. I've stopped getting up internally. Anyway, it's not about me.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Whitney, really fast, what is the requirements? What's the ask? I'm not saying it's going to happen. Look, we're just a stupid old radio show with two older guys.

[Joy]

They just got to do a blood test and then you just basically just have to be a match with just some genetic markers. But it's really simple for the person who wants to donate. They just can go get labs and then they just do like a swab and it kind of goes from there. But yeah, it's not hard. It's just we need our willing participant that doesn't have a lot of crazy, serious medical issues who could live with one kidney, after which you pretty much can. I mean, he's been doing it for 25 years, so. Yeah, I could Send all the information. And I think a game would be great because the younger the better. You know what I'm saying?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're out. Yeah, well, take it easy, gramps.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, Elvis knows I should probably be a contestant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm 20.

[Jake Johnson]

I play 20 kidney plates.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, this is serious stuff. Not right now. I think what we're actually. What we should do is when, you know, come back on and I'll tell you, we're going to have to obviously go through the litany of boxes that need to get checked. And I'm not kidding, we should find someone if we have a couple options who hates popcorn and see if when.

[Jake Johnson]

We get the new effect and you like gross.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It's.

[Jake Johnson]

And then the makeup hospital goes wasted that I took a PR chance. Now the guy gets a new kidney, ates popcorn, ended up in a Salvation army in Florida.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We tracked it, put a tracker on it.

[Jake Johnson]

It'll be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, you two call back. We'll. I think that's a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And again, thank you, Pop Smith, for sending that.

[Jake Johnson]

That's awesome. Whitney. If it doesn't work and it's not, we don't do it. It is. Obviously, you know, we have in reality nothing but positive thoughts and prayers. Your guys's ways. But let's do as a show and just see if we get lucky. The chances are very low from us, but it could be a lot of fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But let's try.

[Joy]

Yeah. And it would make you guys like epic in history. I mean, it would be pretty cool if you delivered a kidney to someone.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm waiting. I'm gonna tell you something really honest. Sometimes I wonder why the hell we're doing this. And I go, there's a prayer. There's a book called A Prayer for Owen Meanie that Eric and I use as a life Bible that everything makes sense in the. But we're not sure why in the middle if we from this community, there was a kidney given to the popcorn king. It makes sense why we do this show.

[Joy]

You could die a happy man. This would be true.

[Jake Johnson]

On my deathbed, I would go, I know why I got in the entertainment game.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you like.

[Alexa]

I'm just. I'm just thinking of the merchandise opportunity at this point.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, the $30 that's divided up between all of us. Me too. I can't. We say merch all the time. We don't sell a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, but boy, would we make fun. I got Alex on a kidney. That's a shirt I'll wear.

[Jake Johnson]

I got Alexa and Hey, Alexa. And take my kidney. My kidney's better than theirs.

[Alexa]

Oh, yeah, There we go.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the one, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You fighting for it.

[Jake Johnson]

Are the best. This is bordering on top five of all time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This is big. And we're not even done.

[Joy]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

And we're not even done works, guys. If. Hey, if you're out there and you're like it, I might do this. You're gonna be part of this show in a way you had no idea. I mean, this would be something during whatever's happening. The show's going to Florida.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. This is where the show travels. That's a documentary.

[Jake Johnson]

Then. We're doing a live show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Documentary.

[Jake Johnson]

We're doing a live show there. And all the money goes to the. The. The. Everything with the hospitals and everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we'll talk about the financials after. But. But I do think that. No, I mean, we. This could be awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

This could be massive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really could be awesome.

[Joy]

We appreciate it, guys. We could take all the help we need. We've been through a lot, but we love you guys. You make us laugh. We really appreciate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you so much, guys.

[Alexa]

We appreciate you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, guys, bye.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reyn Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston editing, mix and master by creating Chris Faller theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Joy]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

[Natalie]

Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone, and we host the Mess Around a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on Headgum.

[Jake Johnson]

Now here's the thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

[Joy]

That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're just two BFFs having a good old time. Okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Waynes Jr. And your dad. We talked to your dad on this show as well.

[Joy]

Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.