We're Here to Help – Episode 231: “Wearing Garbage & Scooter Cooter”

Podcast: We're Here to Help
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: November 17, 2025
Episode Description: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds attempt to dole out helpful—if not strictly qualified—advice to callers with problems both trivial and serious, all wrapped in their signature blend of dumb bits and affection for the listener.

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jake and Gareth take on two hilarious and oddly specific listener dilemmas: a woman whose husband insists on wearing a truly trashy “home shirt,” and another who is repulsed by the idea of riding her new scooter because her nudist relative previously owned it. Along the way, they riff on the weirdness of home attire, the dangers of “Scooter Cooter,” and revisit a past call about a man’s popcorn obsession—culminating with talk of a kidney transplant and crowd-sourcing a donor from the podcast audience. The hosts, as always, err toward comedic exaggeration and support, blending advice with wild riffs and affectionate teasing.

Main Topics & Key Moments

1. Cold Open & Restaurant Stories (01:57–06:00)

• Jake opens with a long bit teasing his friend Eric about persistently recommending a grimy Chinese restaurant despite its questionable hygiene and “living room” ambiance.

• Gareth and Jake riff about the highs and lows of Chinese restaurant roulette, mocking Eric’s unsinkable positivity—even at the most squalid spots.

  • Quote (Jake, 03:21): “He’s the drug dealer…before you know it, I’m driving around every city I’m ever in going, ‘what’s the grossest Chinese restaurant you got?’”
  • Quote (Jake, 05:18): “Let this disgusting in-hole be your mistress...”

• They draw parallels to Rocky, with Eric as the stubborn boxer and his friends as long-suffering Paulie or Mickey trying to save him from himself.

Memorable Moment

• Jake, on inviting Eric’s wife to the dingy restaurant:
  • "Why would you bring a woman who's married? You don't show her these places. This is your affair..." (05:08)

2. Call #1: Joy vs. The Garbage Shirt (15:42–33:46)

Joy’s Dilemma

• Joy from Harrisburg, PA calls about her husband's “home shirt”—a hideously decrepit, sentimental tee handed down from his dad.
  • “It's disintegrating...it literally looks like he wore a shirt and a bear attacked his back.” (Gareth, 18:40)
  • The shirt once said “think, love, Jesus,” now it’s mostly holes.

Hosts’ Reactions

• Jake: Refuses initial empathy, then relents on seeing a picture.
  • "I might wear an old shirt. I don't wear garbage." (20:05)
• Gareth: “It would be better if he wore a trash bag.” (21:08)
• The guys repeatedly dub Caleb—the husband—'garbage man.'
• They joke through the possible emotional significance, relieved when it's NOT a tragic heirloom.

Advice & Solutions

• Strategic Embarrassment:
  • Invite friends over spontaneously so Caleb is caught in public with his shame-shirt.
• Buy a Replacement:
  • Custom-make a new version of the shirt, or frame the old one as “retirement.”
• Mob Hit the Shirt:
  • “Next time you see that shirt in the laundry bin, very quietly put it in a bag…make it swim with the fishes.” (Jake, 29:43)
• Parental Swap:
  • Collaborate with Caleb’s mom in a “hate swap”: exchange each other's hated shirts.
  • Joy, live on the podcast, texts her mother-in-law to request replacement shirts.

Roleplay Segment (34:09–36:43)

• Jake and Gareth run Joy through mock confrontations, helping her finesse the potential lie if she secretly disposes of the shirt.

3. Call #2: Allison and the Scooter Cooter (47:41–62:21)

Allison’s Issue

• Allison from San Antonio acquired a scooter from her husband’s nudist uncle. She’s horrified at the thought of sitting where the nude uncle’s bare butt was—and her husband insists she should drive due to weight balance.

  • “There’s not enough bleach in the world to take care of that.” (Allison, 48:10)

Hosts’ Jokes & Analogies

• Scooters and “butt imprint” jokes abound:
  • “That is gross. Especially right, look…” (Jake, 50:24)
• Jake equates the issue to using restaurant silverware: if you’re okay with used forks, it’s not THAT much worse—but understands Allison’s higher standards.

Advice and Bit Creation

• Fabric Seat Cover:
  • Consider covering the seat with a layer of protection, but Allison wants a “forever” out.
• Excuse Arsenal:
  • Pretend a phobia or accident: “Have a dream one night and wake up and go, I had a nightmare where I fell off the scooter and now I’m petrified.” (Jake, 53:02)
  • Fake a medical reaction: After one ride, feign an intense rash/burning known as “Scooter Cooter.”
• Name the Malady:
  • Gareth: "You know what you would call it? Scooter Cooter"
  • Jake: "It means the nudist rode on a scooter, their butt juice got on your cooter and ruined it." (55:12)

Roleplay Implementation

• Allison, in mock dialogue, masterfully stonewalls all her husband’s solutions with Scooter Cooter logic:
  • “I told you, I found this new thing. It's called Scooter Cooter… Like, it causes this red itchiness, it can cause blisters... No, no, I'm not.” (Allison, 57:12)
• The group agrees: create urgency, treat “Scooter Cooter” as a universally understood risk, and make it clear this is non-negotiable.

4. Follow-Up: Popcorn Couple & The Kidney Saga (66:01–89:50)

Context

• Whitney and husband Alexa called previously about his intense popcorn habit—multiple bowls a night, eaten in bed, leading to mess and marital discord.
• Jake and Gareth had advised making a “popcorn room.”

Update

• Whitney built the popcorn room and even scented it with her clothes as a lure.
  • “You created a room, things that smell like you in there for some reason...” (Jake, 68:48)
• It didn’t stick; Alexa preferred the comfort of eating in bed after a long day (and his history with brain cancer & dialysis).
• Solution: compromise—Whitney joins him with “one to two bowls max” and stricter cleanup.

Dialogue Highlights

• Alexa drops the guilt trip masterfully:

  • "As a brain cancer survivor…do I not deserve popcorn at the end of the night?” (71:15)

• Jake breaks into song ("Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba), using the lyrics as a metaphor for resilience:

  • “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down…” (72:18; throughout segment)

• Joking reference: New podcast segment—crowd-sourcing a kidney donation for Alexa, leading to wild speculation about a "kidney game" or even a documentary if it works.

  • “If from this community there was a kidney given to the popcorn king, it makes sense why we do this show.” (Jake, 87:47)

• Merch ideas fly: “I got Alexa on a kidney. That’s a shirt I’ll wear.” (Gareth, 88:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Bits

• On the garbage home shirt:

  • “It's more holes than shirt.” (Jake, 19:29)
  • “He's wearing garbage. It would be better if he wore a trash bag.” (Gareth, 21:08)

• On Scooter Cooter:

  • “You either ride the scooter or you ride him.” (Jake, 55:56)
  • “What does scooter cooter do? You just get a little bit of an itch on your cooter?” (Jake, 58:04)
  • “It is your job to protect your cooter.” (Jake, 61:26)

• On Popcorn & Resilience:

  • “Truth is, I thought it mattered. I thought music mattered, but does it bollocks? Not compared to how people matter.” (Jake, 75:07, quoting Chumbawamba)
  • “Popcorn is better than three, generally speaking. That is a hat. That is something you wear.” (Gareth & Jake, 76:52)
  • “You got knocked down by some serious stuff, but you guys did get up again.” (Jake, 83:03)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|---------| | 01:57–06:00 | Chinese restaurant bit, Eric’s taste | | 15:42–33:46 | Joy’s “garbage shirt” call | | 34:09–36:43 | Shirt role-play (“mob hit the shirt”) | | 47:41–62:21 | Allison’s “Scooter Cooter” dilemma | | 66:01–89:50 | Popcorn couple follow-up, kidney plea, community call-to-action |

Episode Tone & Takeaway

This episode is a classic “We’re Here to Help” blend: rollicking bits, lived-in friendship, and tangential riffs, all wrapped around surprisingly helpful advice. Jake and Gareth continually affirm their affection for the callers—even as they mock, exaggerate, or invent new syndromes (“Scooter Cooter”). They create a communal, safe space for oddball quirks while offering pragmatic solutions (however wrapped in jokes) and building to an unexpectedly touching segment by volunteering their audience to help a family in need of a kidney.

If you’ve never listened before, this episode is a whirlwind introduction to Jake & Gareth’s tone: raunchy, affectionate, frenetic, and—just occasionally—genuinely heartfelt.

Episode Highlights

• Home shirt dilemma prompts ruthless honesty and teamwork for spousal sabotage.
• “Scooter Cooter” is coined—a new term for aversion to nudist rear-ends.
• The popcorn king and queen return, triumph over adversity, and spark a podcast-organized “kidney game.”
• Show ends with heartfelt community outreach, plenty of wild merch ideas, and many, many Tubthumping references.

Interested in calling in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com