We're Here to Help — Episode 233: "Breaking and Entenmann's & Tat-Two"

Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: November 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In this lively episode of We're Here to Help, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle two wildly memorable listener dilemmas: one involving boundary-challenged neighbors who crash baby homecomings, and another featuring a well-intended dog tattoo that looks, unfortunately, like male anatomy. While not fully qualified, the hosts lace their advice with genuine care, plenty of laughter, and outrageous brainstorming. Across both calls (broken up by banter and wild pitches), recurring themes include community, boundaries, creative solutions, and—above all—the absurdities of everyday life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kidney Donor Emails & Community Update

[03:47–08:11]

• Jake shares the stunning news that two listeners have genuinely offered to donate a kidney after a previous episode’s call for organ donors (04:06).
• The hosts riff on the ethics and risks of “organ donor match games” as podcast content:
  • “Are you suggesting we literally pick a personality?” – Gareth (04:39)
  • “That’s organ porn. This is pork.” – Gareth (04:48)
• They consider follow-up episodes featuring the donor process.
• Brief tangent: Jesse Eisenberg supposedly also donated a kidney, and Gareth jokes about being on the donor list himself.

2. Gareth Coaches a Nine-Year-Old on Writing a Wedding Speech

[08:06–12:02]

• Gareth tells Jake he’s helping a nine-year-old prepare a wedding speech, and they roleplay the session, poking fun at the earnestness of child-coaching.
• They debate how honest, jokey, or “bad boy” Gareth should be in his mentorship.
• Memorable meta-moment: Jake questions the safety and logistics of a grown man Zooming with a kid, leading to a hysterical but sincere discussion about keeping parents present and making everyone comfortable:
  • “There's not a chance a nine-year-old boy should be on a Zoom with you talking jokes.” – Jake (10:43)

3. Caller #1: “Breaking and Entenmann’s” — The Overly Friendly Neighbor

[16:17–42:18] Caller: Katie from San Diego
Issue: Geriatric neighbor “Sunny” shows up uninvited each time Katie brings a newborn home, making himself among the first to meet her baby—even ahead of close friends.

Main Points:

• Katie’s had three pregnancies in the same house; Sunny’s crashed both “baby homecoming” days so far (20:02, 21:49).
• She describes Sunny as a nice but lonely man in his 70s who helps himself to visits, even letting himself in without knocking.
• Katie’s main question: “How do I kindly... make it so Sunny isn’t one of the first people who meets my brand-new baby?” (24:47)

Advice and Brainstorming:

• Gareth’s “Coffee Cake on the Porch” idea:

  • Create a “resting, help yourself” station with coffee cake and a guestbook, signaling well-wishers to leave notes instead of entering (26:21).
  • Jake interjects: “We're not going to pitch extra work for a pregnant woman.” (27:10)

• Katie reveals her dad’s balloon-naming tradition tips Sunny off (28:10).

• The Decoy Baby Plan:

  • Jake & Gareth riff on setting out a very realistic baby doll as decoy, so Sunny thinks he’s met the newborn while Mom and real baby rest in private (31:41, 32:11).
  • “You get a fake baby before... your three-year-old and your 18-month-old get to play with it because you’re using the baby to teach them how to be big brothers...” – Jake (32:09)
  • “He sees the baby. He has no idea the difference.” – Jake (33:03)

• Escalating to Comedy:

  • Home Alone-style sound effects (36:52), booby traps, and, as Gareth coins it, “Breaking and Entenmann’s” for the title (38:58).

Caller’s Conclusion:

• Katie decides to blend their ideas: “I love it. I’m gonna have the in-laws buy the Entenmann's, drop them on the porch, put a little note. I'll also buy the baby doll... just in case.” (39:16)
• Both hosts applaud her “fun mom vibe” and decisive energy (40:07, 40:18).

4. Caller #2: “Tat-Two” — The Unfortunate Dog Tattoo

[45:01–71:34] Caller: Katie from Phoenix
Issue: A flash-tattoo fundraiser dog outline on her upper arm looks unmistakably like a penis—especially when part is covered by her work T-shirt.

Problem Details:

• Katie described the tattoo: “It basically looks like the outline of a dog sitting down.” But with certain shirts, “People keep thinking my tattoo is a penis.” (47:08)
• “When I first got home... I was like, oh, shit... that looks like a penis.” – Katie (49:39)
• At work as a nurse, multiple coworkers have pointed it out; rolling up her sleeve slightly lessens but doesn’t fix the issue.

Advice and Brainstorming:

• Add the Dog’s Name (“Styx”): Not favored, as “Styx” itself sounds ambiguous (51:32).

• Tattoo on a Tattoo:

  • “If you add a little color, like he’s sitting at the park... shade up a little bit and color in the dog...” – Jake (52:23)

• Focus on Realism:

  • Use realistic brown spots to match her dog, but test it first with marker (55:10).
  • “Just get a marker. Have your fiancé do the shading the way it looks on the dog for now...” – Gareth (59:51)

• Community Input:

  • Katie agrees to submit a photo of her actual dog, and the hosts suggest professional tattoo artists could submit their cover-up ideas, culminating in a three-finalist, Shark Tank–style segment (“Tat-Two”) (66:06–69:06).
  • “Let's have three people come on, who know the tattoo cover-up business, pitch Katie three options. Finalist gets something.” – Gareth (67:00)

• Test-Run Results Reveal a New Dilemma:

  • Katie returns with mock-ups; brown shading fixes the “dick” issue up close, but “from a distance, it looks like a turd coming out of your... (arm).” (63:14, 63:15)
  • Jake: “You went from dick to turd—this ain't it, Katie.” (63:28)

Next Steps:

• Post tattoo images to social media, request artist submissions, and plan a future “Tat-Two” segment with finalists. Katie is open to a total transformation: “My goal is that it looks cool. I don't care if it's still a dog.” (65:53)

5. Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On organ donor listeners:
  “This is organ porn. This is pork.” – Gareth (04:48)
• On neighbor boundaries:
  “Old neighbor should not be one of the first people to meet all your kids who's not in your life. That is weird behavior.” – Jake (25:17)
• On tattoo misfires:
  “You don't dress up the penis. That's never the right idea.” – Jake (50:37) “It looks like a poop dick.” – Gareth (64:21)
• On creative problem-solving:
  "Worst case for you, best case for us, he’s like—those people are out of their minds." – Gareth (35:41)
• On Katie’s parenting:
  “You got fun mom vibes... but you’re in charge. We felt like your kids throughout this call, in the best way possible.” – Gareth (40:19)
• On embracing the ridiculous:
  “If you filmed it... how funny that would be.” – Jake (34:51) “Why not solve it by having Sunny look at a fake baby thinking that he just saw his new neighbor baby?” – Gareth (34:57)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Kidney Donor Community Update: 03:47–08:11
• Wedding Speech Coaching Banter: 08:06–12:02
• Caller 1 — Breaking and Entenmann’s (Katie/Sunny): 16:17–42:18
• Caller 2 — Tat-Two (Katie/Dog Penis Tattoo): 45:01–71:34

Episode Flow, Tone & Takeaways

Jake and Gareth maintain their trademark blend of warmth, mischief, and sincerity—dropping heartfelt advice in the middle of wild tangents and comedic bits. They champion community spirit (whether with organ donors or tattoo artists), creative boundaries, and the value of rolling with life’s weirdest (and most embarrassing) dilemmas. And, as always, they invite listeners to both participate and laugh at the unpredictable ride.

For follow-ups and to participate in “Tat-Two,” listeners are encouraged to submit cover-up designs!

“We’re gonna get this dick off your arm before your wedding.” – Jake (61:13)
“This is the show. You got a penis on your arm, you’re getting married—let’s go get you out of this.” – Gareth (61:27)