235: Rye of the Tiger & Kevin Don't Like Deli Meats

Summary

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We're Here to Help – Episode 235

“Rye of the Tiger & Kevin Don't Like Deli Meats” (December 1, 2025)
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds

Overview

In this lively episode, Jake and Gareth field their signature “bartender-uncle” style advice to a cast of unique callers. With topics ranging from preparing for a drinking-heavy cruise, to explaining a dislike for cold deli meat, to an update on a backyard grave dilemma, the hosts blend sincere attempts to help with their trademark riffing and wild bits. Notable moments include the debut of Gareth’s project coaching a nine-year-old best man and a “Rye of the Tiger” drinking montage challenge.

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The Helpy Awards: Listener Participation (01:10–05:14)

Jake and Gareth kick things off by hyping the first International Helpy Awards—a playful end-of-year celebration of their community’s best calls.

• Categories include: Best Caller, Best Guest Helper, Best Animal Call, Best Song, Best International Call, Top Call (03:07)
• Instructions: Listeners should email nominations—be specific about the episode and segment—to [e-mail] by Dec 7.
• Gareth jokes about surprising Jake with Steve Berg in a tux as a guest host (04:14).
• Notable Quotes:
  • “The only problem is…after the initial minute you’d be cracking up, and then I would have to go, ‘But now what are we doing?’” – Jake (04:28)

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Gareth Coaches a Nine-Year-Old Best Man (05:14–11:16)

Gareth updates listeners on his ongoing project: helping Keith’s nine-year-old son write a best man speech for Keith’s upcoming wedding.

• The goal: Kid gives a surprise speech; friend of the family acts as moral support.
• Gareth describes winning the kid’s trust, pitching jokes, and lightening his nerves.
• Sample jokes include “She sleeps in the garage” cracks about the new stepmom, and Lucky Bear the stuffed animal “giving a speech” (08:46).
• Jake likens it to a Dodo rescue video: awkward at first, but “by the end, it’s hopping and frolicking” (06:41).
• Notable Quotes:
  • “He started off and he was like—I mean, think about being a kid, how weird…And then I’m there. I was shiny. I mean, I just had moisturized.” – Gareth (07:22)
  • “You ever watch a dodo video? ... At the end, it’s hopping and frolicking. I think we will get there, but right now we’re in the ‘it’s okay’ stage.” – Jake (06:41)

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Caller #1: Vicki Prepares for a Boozy Family Cruise

Theme: “Rye of the Tiger” (17:34–33:53)

The Call

Vicki, a 23-year-old teacher from Arkansas, is nervous about an upcoming cruise with her heavy-drinking boyfriend and his parents. She’s a lightweight—“drunk after two Seagram’s Escapes”—and doesn’t want to be the first one drunk every night. Seeks advice on “training” for higher alcohol tolerance, or faking it.

Hosts’ Advice

• Jake: Suggests a “Rocky-style” alcohol tolerance training montage—start slow, have a nightly drink, escalate to more on weekends (20:13, 27:05).
  • “I’m talking a Rocky montage. Rather than working out, she’s building tolerance. We got a big fight in June on a boat. We gotta start training.” (20:42)
• Gareth: Advocates for strategic loopholes—order the weakest drink, secretly switch to non-alcoholic versions, and carb up before drinking (21:43, 24:35).
• Both recommend safe experimentation to learn her limits, plus “fake” food poisoning as an excuse to sit out a night if needed (24:12).
• Suggestions for Vicki to send voice memos of her “training” progress; plan is dubbed “Rye of the Tiger” (32:57).
• Gareth: “Maybe a little wine with dinner is the move…find your little loopholes, and you keep the water going.” (29:47)
• Vicki agrees to document her journey, prompting musical parody requests (“cover of Rye of the Tiger”) (33:03).

Notable Quotes

• “You need to build your tolerance... The only way to train: Get the booze in!” – Jake (20:31)
• “If you want to see me and the nine year old boy, we’re going to put it all unedited on the Patreon.” – Gareth (11:16)

Special Segment: Vicki’s First Voice Memo (34:26)

Vicki checks in during her “training”—sneaking a Blue Hawaiian, alone and giggling (“…it’s really tasty, but only after you swallow it…”), hiding from her boyfriend to keep her project a surprise.

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Caller #2: Kevin’s Aversion to Cold Deli Meats

Theme: “Kevin Don’t Like Deli Meats” (35:25–53:28)

The Call

Kevin from Raleigh, almost 50, is plagued by social awkwardness due to his refusal to eat cold sandwiches, especially with deli meats. Beef jerky and PB&J are fine; cold cuts “turn his stomach.” Family and friends find it odd, probe for explanations, and he wants a slicker way to handle it.

Hosts’ Advice

• The guys probe for the root cause (“Do you like sushi? No. Fish? Only fried.”), ultimately clarifying it’s about “uncooked” cold meats.
• Jake and Gareth propose several social dodge solutions:
  • Blame an “allergy to cold meats.”
  • Blame food poisoning and lifelong aversion.
  • Carry business cards to hand out (“I don’t like cold deli meats. I know it’s weird. For more, listen to episode 235 of We’re Here to Help.”) (45:46–47:51)
• Jake: “What if you made business cards that said, ‘I don’t eat cold meat. It’s not that interesting. Let’s not spend the day talking about it…’” (46:32)
• Kevin is delighted and plans to print the cards.
• Extended riffing on logic, leftovers, food temp preferences (“Do you eat cold spaghetti? No. Cold chicken? Maybe a drumstick, not salad.”) (50:45–52:10).

Notable Quotes

• “You can eat a slab of jerky but not cold meat? It’s throwing me…” – Gareth (39:34)
• “This is a psychological issue—and it’s a fun psychological issue. It invokes people wanting to get to the bottom of it. I’ll tell you what’s not a fun issue: stomach issues you don’t even fully know.” – Jake (43:43)
• Gareth’s summary: “It’s taking something puzzling and making it funny, interesting, and intriguing.” (47:26)

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Callback: Olivia’s Backyard Grave Situation

Follow-up to Episode 188: “Digging up Orville” (55:31–63:01)

Olivia from Ohio gives an update on the infamous headstone she found on her property. Her fiancé Nick originally wanted to dig up the grave and bring the headstone inside, prompting a debate and a deluge of listener feedback (“he’ll go to prison!” vs “it’s your property!”).

Resolution:

• Nick lost interest in the exhumation. Olivia planted a Korean lilac bush and set up a little garden shrine with a bench and candles.
• “There was an old stump on top of the grave, so I dug it up and I planted a Korean lilac bush…then I put this cute little white bench and chairs…it almost looks like a fairy garden.” – Olivia (58:14)
• The solution is deemed “very classy,” and the hosts are proud of their role.
• “Above the body of a guy, the headstone is being preserved, there’s a nice coffee drinking area…we got a good place.” – Gareth (61:35)
• Bell-ringing and celebratory beatboxing ensue.

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Lightning Round: Listener Note on Kidney Donation (63:06–64:10)

Rachel, referencing a prior call, shares her family’s experience with domino (paired) kidney transplants, encourages living donation, and offers support to anyone considering it.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “Why does that man shine? I see reflective…” – Gareth, imitating the 9-year-old’s confusion about his moisturized skin (07:42)
• “You need to start training…big fight in June on a boat.” – Jake (20:42)
• “Unfortunately, my body took a trip to the wet county…” – Gareth, riffing on Vicki’s quest to buy alcohol (26:10)
• “It’s throwing me that you’ll eat a bag of meat, but not cold, same temperature meat.” – Gareth to Kevin (39:34)
• “Make the cards. Send us a picture of the card.” – Gareth, on the business-card solution for Kevin (52:44)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------------|-------------| | Helpy Awards Info & Categories | 01:10–05:14 | | Nine-Year-Old Best Man Speech Update | 05:14–11:16 | | Vicki’s Cruise Drinking Dilemma “Rye of the Tiger”| 17:34–33:53 | | Vicki’s First Voice Memo | 34:26 | | Kevin Don’t Like Deli Meats | 35:25–53:28 | | Olivia’s Backyard Grave Shrine Update | 55:31–63:01 | | Kidney Donation Listener Note | 63:06–64:10 |

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Episode Tone

Warm, irreverent, rambling, and witty, with plenty of self-deprecating asides and quick pivots from “real” advice to outrageous bits.

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Final Thoughts

This episode exemplifies “We’re Here to Help” at its best: blending real warmth with absurd, sometimes wildly impractical advice, always in service of camaraderie, honesty, and laughter. The hosts never guarantee perfect guidance—but make “the best they’ve got” highly entertaining. Whether you need to prep for party parents, own your weird food lines, or create a backyard memorial, Jake and Gareth are, as always, in your corner.

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Transcript

[Olivia]

This is a headgum podcast.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Jake Johnson]

And we are. This is a Gareth heavy intro.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it? Well, should we start off with the business or do we want to get into the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, let's start with the business and then let's get into what you did with the nine year old boy today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the business is that the helpies are happening, Jake. The first international helpy awards and you'll.

[Jake Johnson]

See one attack and Jesse and Rob are really running it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm very.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't do anything. You're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't know that. If you're listening. No, I'm not. We don't do video. No, you don't know that. So we all, Natalie, Rob and Jesse and myself, we've been working pretty hard on the helpies. We're excited for everybody. All right, here's what we need you to do. We need you guys to nominate people. So our people need to nominate people. You can send the nominations into the show. Email, email helpfulpodgmail.com Please be clear about where they can find the call. Don't just say like the call with the guy. Be like this episode number, second call, something like that. So it's easy for them and us to locate. I'm also a big part of this. So that starts on 12 7. That's the, the deadline is 12 7. So you can start nominating.

[Jake Johnson]

Ready? Send it in. I think she's just saying the final push.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she's saying the more the merrier. Because we do have a number of catego. Our categories are Best Caller, Best Guest Helper. Ooh, Best follow up, Best Animal Call, Best Sports Call, Best International Call, Best Song. And then our, then our best picture is Top Call. Now all those ones we just said are three nominations per except for top call, which we're going to have six final nominations. So you get those nominations and now send them to helpfulpod Gmail.com.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you read those again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, we have best Caller. And be clear when you send it in, which the, which category this is for best Caller Best Guest Helper, best follow up, best Animal Call, best Sports Call, Best International Call, Best song and Top call. And then so you'll nominate. You'll send in those nominations by 12 7. Then voting is going to start at. We need to pick on 12 8. And that will run through 12 14. And then the Helpies. The first annual International Helpy Awards will be airing on Monday, December 22nd.

[Jake Johnson]

So we're getting those in, but we're recording it Wednesday the 17th and we might end up doing it live on Patreon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We might. And I will say I had a, I had a pitch on a way to surprise you with something. And Natalie was like, it's just, what if it's not the right surprise? I was like, yeah, you know what, you want to know what my pitch was?

[Jake Johnson]

Please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My pitch was flying Steve Berg to host.

[Jake Johnson]

I would love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I didn't know if it'd be like, if he'd be like. She was like, well, you guys are hosting it. I was like, if we got him in a little tux.

[Jake Johnson]

The only problem is with that idea, Gareth is after the initial minute, you'd be cracking up. And then I would have to go, but now what are we doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's where Natalie and I basically got.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I would go, great. So Steve can't host it because he doesn't know what it is either. So he's in a tux with a mic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But now to me, that still works for me.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. I think that's a really. But then I go, so what is the show today?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's what I think the fear is that it just adds exactly what are we doing?

[Jake Johnson]

So now are we taking calls or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do we keep it high and tight? We'll keep it high and tight. So please write in and nominate. And again, be very clear. All right, so you want to talk about my nine year old buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to hear remind the audience what's going on. And then so take it away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We had a caller who's named Keith and Keith is on his second marriage. He's getting married to some. To a woman named Nikki. And he is adorable and he wants his son to be the best man. His son is nine. His fear is the best man has to give a speech. What are we going to do about that part of this? I pitched very early to and Keith really could not have seemed less into it that I help his son write the speech. Jake, you know, croco car salesman him into agreeing that I will help his son write the speech.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way it was the right pitch, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then basically I'm going to work with the kid and, and a friend of the family so that Keith's out of the room. So the speech is going to be.

[Jake Johnson]

A surprise for Keith is, well, it should.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so I'm right. So there's a friend of his in the room who is there to sort of make the kid feel comfortable. The kid is a great kid.

[Jake Johnson]

So you, how long did you meet with him today?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I probably did about 40 minutes today, I'd say.

[Jake Johnson]

And be honest, how entertaining is that? 40 minutes for someone who's going to watch it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think where I think look, because.

[Jake Johnson]

Main show, we're going to edit down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You ever, you ever watch a dodo video? I don't think the dodo animal videos, they find an animal, it's in need of help.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the end, it's hopping and frolicking.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, he got there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I think we will get there, but right now we're in the, like, it's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

It's okay. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I won the trust today. But what I, what I will say.

[Jake Johnson]

Is, the ladies who love you, Gareth, which there are a lot of them, they're gonna like this hole. I don't have kids, but he's a wounded little boy and I'm getting him there. This is good for the evolution of the bad boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I got a heart.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey. There's something pretty sweet about this kid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I, I have to say, he started off and he was like, I mean, think about being a kid. How weird, like, to be like this. And then I'm there. I was shiny. I mean, I just had moisturized.

[Jake Johnson]

So I showed up confusing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was like, dadd. Why does that man shine? I see reflective.

[Jake Johnson]

Do all standard comedians shine?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, literally one. Literally one guy. Why can I see the ring light in his skin?

[Jake Johnson]

Why did your friend get so shy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Daddy, Why is your friend oil?

[Jake Johnson]

So that I can't explain that part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just trust him. Yeah, it's fine.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, so basically, like, I worked with him and like, you know, he was nervous, and so I just started asking little questions about the relationship. And then I would just pitch him little jokes. And he started to kind of come out of his shell a little bit. And then I was saying, well, do you want to try that joke? And he would be like, yeah. And then I would write the joke in the, the chat, he would read it, he started smiling and laughing. I, we probably got about five jokes today.

[Jake Johnson]

Give us a taste of some of these jokes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so. Okay, so he has three cats, two dogs and a turtle. And I say so he'd be like. Having Nicky move into our house has been a real pleasure considering we have three cats, two dogs and a turtle. That wasn't easy. That's why she sleeps in the garage. Did I say she's made our household feel better? I meant the garage. And if we get that fourth dog, she'll be sleeping in the hammock outside. Something like that. He also, this was very cute. He's holding a little stuffed animal. Like he's.

[Jake Johnson]

He's nervous. Come.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And do you have a stuffed animal of your cat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, hundreds of them. And they're given to me. I'm at the Arcadia Mall sometimes. No, people give them to me. People, people. So, but, but so he has it. So I just grab mine. I'm like, I'm like, here's a joke you could do real easy. I'm like, what's the. What's the thing's called? He's like, it's Lucky Bear. I'm like three quarters of the way through the speech, you can say, you can have Lucky Bear with you. And I'm like, you can be like, Lucky Bear would also like to say some stuff. And then you can just hold Lucky Bear in front of the mic and you can start just nodding along. And I was like, the longer you do that, the funnier it gets.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh. You know, you could also do you know how best men in all movies go like this? I just want to say, like, my brother really helped me out when I was going through that thing that I can't talk about here. It was a really dark period in my life. He was really there for me, bro. You know, like there's that. The best man bit where it's getting too dark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Like I was living out of my car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you know, it's a good one too. The bachelor party I planned for my dad was crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Crazy. That's really fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm talking Oreos, Diet Cokes, and we stabbed a limo driver.

[Jake Johnson]

I finished, finish there. Just give him a chance to hit hard. But let's get to the show right now. So everybody remember right into the helpies. Right into the helpies. If you want to see Gareth and the nine year old boy, we're gonna put it all unedited up on the Patreon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if you want to see me in general, do stand up. Buy some tickets to my shows in Seattle, Eugene, Vancouver and Kansas City. Berg might be there. We're redoing that show on January 2nd and January 3rd. So go to GarethRealns.com and I will.

[Jake Johnson]

Say GarethReynolds.com is a Squarespace website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love our babies.

[Jake Johnson]

So more ado because here comes ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They'll love that.

[Jesse Thurston]

Sweet Jesse here. Jake and Gareth are about to talk about a call that hasn't aired yet. But stay tuned. We're going to air the call and the follow up as soon as we have it all. Finished.

[Jake Johnson]

Finished. Hey everybody. We are looking for somebody in the Omaha area who knows anybody who has access to a billboard or anyone who.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Works in billboards who can get one up in Omaha.

[Jake Johnson]

In Omaha. But we are if anybody has any access or connection or can link us to somebody who could do some sort of a billboard in an area of Omaha that is popular, we would like to do some very specific advertisement for a calendar there. So please email the show if you have any link to billboard sales in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Omaha, Nebraska, helpful pod gmail.com and just put in the subject billboard Help and help us help everybody. Help us help us help everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Enjoy the show. The holidays are almost here and if you still have names on your list, don't panic. Go to Uncommon Goods cuz it makes holiday shopping stress free and joyful with thousands of oneup a kind gifts you can't find anywhere else. They're not generic, they're fun. They're unique. You can do it. You'll discover presents that feel meaningful and personal, never rushed or last minute. Uncommon Goods looks for products that are high quality, unique and often handmade or made in the U.S. many are crafted by independent artists and small businesses, so every gift feels special and thoughtfully chosen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Let me tell you about a time when I just used 1, 800 flyers and I even used our own code, which is crazy to say, but I did. It was 1-800flowers.com here to help. I put that in myself. I saved up for 40 off of the Christmas bestsellers. But you know what? I sent it to a sweet woman named Pam. A sweet, beautiful angel named Pam. I sent her a little lover's gift. Something to let her know that I was thinking of her. I think she is gorgeous. I think she smells as sweet as a 1-800-flower. Because she is my 1-800-flower. She is as good as it Gets. She just gave me a little gift of a little coffee cup with a baby monkey on it. I said, cheeky monkey. And in return, I sent her a lot of flowers from 1-800-Flowers. So, Pam, enjoy the sweet smell because I enjoy the sweet smell of you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I use 1-800-flowers all the time, and I'm using it this holiday season. So you're going to get a bouquet. It's going to look beautiful. It's fresh, it shows up. I mean, really, it just. It makes you look good. So beat the holiday rush and save 40% off Christmas bestsellers at 1-800-flowers.com heretohelp. That's 1-800-flowers. Com heretohelp for up to 40% off Christmas best sellers. Hello.

[Olivia]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. How are you?

[Vicki]

I'm doing good.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, welcome to the show. You've got Jake, you've got Gareth. Can we get your name, please?

[Vicki]

I'm gonna go by Vicki.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Fake Vicki and fake Vicki. What city are you? Maybe. Or not at all.

[Vicki]

Do what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are you calling from?

[Vicki]

Oh, I'm from Arkansas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And people like the questions. All right, Vicki, you're on a desert island. You're thinking about one meal the whole time. You get picked up. What's the first thing you're going to eat? I should do this with a Steveberg voice.

[Vicki]

I'm eating Freddy's French fries.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting. Don't hate it. Don't hate it. All right, Vicki, Arkansas French fries. What is happening?

[Vicki]

All right, so I am going on a cruise next June with my boyfriend and his parents. So that is already a little scary. Now let's talk about the alcohol part. So I am 23 years old, and I am probably just, like, the biggest lightweight you will ever meet. I was drinking with my boyfriend the other night, and I'm telling you, I was drunk after two Seagram's escapes. It was embarrassing, to say the least. And so we have gotten these drink packages because my boyfriend and his parents are very heavy drinkers and I am not. So I'm trying to figure out what do I need to do before June to try and prepare myself to. At least I know I. I am not going to be as crazy as they are, but I would love to not be, like, the first one drunk every night.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or.

[Vicki]

And I also don't want to make myself sick. And I was also thinking, like, maybe I can do something to, like, pretend I'm drinking. I don't know. I haven't that forehead.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Vicki. This is a really. First of all, great job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Really clean, really, really good setup. I'm going to pitch something that I know people are going to say. This show's about a bunch of idiots pitching stupid stuff. That's irresponsible. But, Gareth, I have to pitch what I believe is the right pitch to Vicki.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't wait.

[Jake Johnson]

Not the people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. No, no, no. She's let us. Yes, she's got a very specific question.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm Vicki. I'm your weird uncle.

[Vicki]

Awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

What you need to do is every night, drink until June.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a crazy bit of advice here, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

I know it is. We're playing alcohol, fire, but you don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, here's what. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Every night when you get home from work, one cocktail, then slowly.

[Vicki]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Two cocktails. On the weekends, four cocktails. This is what we have to do is we need to build your tolerance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're talking montage, you're talking drinks.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm talking a Rocky monster. Rather than working out, she's building the tolerance. We got a big fight in June on a boat. We got to start training. The only way to train. Get the booze in. Get the booze in.

[Rachel]

Barf.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you pitching any specific sort of drink? Are you saying we just go with Seagrams? No, look, look, the crews, they're probably pouring pretty.

[Jake Johnson]

They're mixing weird syrups.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, it's very sugary.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I would say all we got to do right now is we need to shock your system and let your body know we're going to jump off that ship and drown in alcohol.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, it's very counter to what my advice was going to be. My advice was going to be, let's find you the weakest drink. You need to be carbing up day of to get ready for the night. And you need to be going up to the bar and doing secret virgin cocktails in between. My guess is the parents like to party. Vicki.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Vicki]

Oh, yeah. That.

[Olivia]

That's what I have heard.

[Vicki]

I've met them one time, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the problem is they're probably going to be pushing pretty shots.

[Jake Johnson]

Well. So, yeah, they want to see if she's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's. Jake's. Right. They're probably going to be kicking the tires. And if you want to hang, then there really is building up your tolerance is the only way now is Seagram's a drink you like or do you just not even know? Are you. How new to drinking are you?

[Vicki]

I would say I'm still pretty new. Like, usually I just go for a Seagram. The probably the Most adventurous I've ever been is like vodka and fruit punch. Like, I don't know anything. I also live in a dry county, so it's not like it's easy to go get things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's it. I'm gonna ask you, Vicki, a question that is just completely inappropriate. What do you.

[Jake Johnson]

I would stop. Gareth. It's not what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me.

[Rachel]

Let me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me handle this.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's remember what we're doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me handle this.

[Jake Johnson]

I love you. I care about you. Be careful. You got a big special coming up, baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. What are you weighing in at?

[Jake Johnson]

That's the wrong question.

[Vicki]

What am I doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brother.

[Jake Johnson]

Brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wrong. Stop. You get on the scale, what's the number?

[Jake Johnson]

Giraffe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. I'll be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll be honest.

[Olivia]

Hey, I.

[Vicki]

This is why we did an anonymous name. Okay. I'm about £150.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good. That. Now that's. Okay. That just tells me that we're in the realm of Jake's pitch being possible. So I think you do want to build. I think you do want Jake. It's fair to know what we're working with here.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you got a few tactics here. I like Jake's pitch of let's build the tolerance up. Because, look, if you're like, I 98 pounds, I'm like, don't do Jake's. But if you're saying you're anything over 125, I'm like, all right, we're.

[Jake Johnson]

She could maybe handle it. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So. So I would say maybe we do the. Find your drink. Find a. A lightweight drink. I also think you want to probably do a clear drink or a juice mix cocktail so that if you make a trip up to the bar, you can say you pretend it's a cranberry vodka, but it's actually just cranberry on top of that. I think during the day, load up on some carbs. But I also think you are going to want to have a stable foundation, which is what Jake is saying, which is just get going. What?

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Vicki.

[Vicki]

Yeah?

[Jake Johnson]

How about the night before the trip, we fake food poisoning, but then she can't have fun. Yeah, she can, because she's got such a great attitude.

[Vicki]

I am not opposed. However, I do want to have a little bit of fun. Like, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Because of the food poisoning, Vicky, you could only have one or two, unfortunately.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long is the. What's the duration of the cruise?

[Vicki]

It's a whole week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Okay. A whole week. You know what? You could do you could start off strong and. Listen, you're probably going to actually get food poisoning on a cruise anyway. But maybe halfway through, if you need to take a knee for a night or two, you say you had an ambitious trip to the crab leg station, and something's not agreeing with you, so you're going to take a night off.

[Jake Johnson]

And just do diarrhea. Is I got to go to the crab leg section? What's going on? Excuse me, everybody. I gotta get. I'm having a. I went to the crab leg station, so I gotta do the drink where I go to the crab leg station all night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I went to the crab leg station one too many times.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Vicki, I don't think we're at the point yet where we're gonna ask you what you're gonna do, but I do think we're at the point where I would like to hear from you what's kicking around in between those ears of yours. Where you at?

[Vicki]

Yeah, so I think I am just. I'm gonna have to start now. You know, the weekend is coming up, so I can, you know, make a trip out to the wet counties, you know, and stock up. And then I guess I'm just taking a trip to the wet county.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's another way to say that you're gonna get hammered. I'm about to take a trip out to the wet county.

[Jake Johnson]

It's also another way to say you have diarrhea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I actually think it's a better way to say you have dia. Unfortunately, my body took a trip to the wet county.

[Vicki]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you're gonna go to the wet.

[Vicki]

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna go to the wet county, I guess, and doc up, get some. Get some of the goods. I don't know what I'm gonna get, but I have the Internet.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so. Well, no, you don't have the Internet. You got us, too. We're gonna help you with that. But. So, Vicki, the thing you're going is. Is. And now are you thinking of drinking? You want to just be a weekend party girl or you want to. Well, how do you want to do it?

[Vicki]

I am a teacher.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Jesse Thurston]

It's big.

[Vicki]

So I. It would probably be mainly weekend.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Vicki]

But I mean, I'm not a. You know, like I said, I am a teacher and may need to unwind a little bit during the week.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Can I pitch you something?

[Vicki]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Monday through Thursday night, after dinner, I want you to have a big glass of white wine or red wine. I don't care what type. Okay. Or you could do one of your little seagrams. Or you could do a white claw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

White might be a nice loophole.

[Jake Johnson]

But Monday through Thursday after work, just so your body starts getting used to alcohol. Guys, save the comments in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The comments are going nuts. And Vicky, let's just say this. Start slow.

[Jake Johnson]

I. This call was off air, so we could just give the real advice because here's the reason.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Monday through Thursday, just have a drink or two. What's going to happen, Vic, is your body's going to get used to the alcohol. Your first two nights on Wednesday, you're going to go like, I'm smashed, watching tv. I ate a whole ham sandwich and popcorn. Then by like two weeks after, you're going to go like, like, I think I might need two glasses of red wine. And I'll tell you this, for years of my life, I was drinking an entire bottle of red wine at night. It snuck up on me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I did it last night.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. It starts off as you go, look at me, I'm sophisticated. I'm getting a four dollar bottle of wine. I'm having one glass and a coffee mug. Look at me. Then before you know it, you're like, I'm killing bottles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's very true.

[Jake Johnson]

It's fast. Then, Vicki, on the weekend, either Friday or Saturday, I want one of the nights you take it up a notch and you go to booze and you go, I think we start you with vodka and you get a really intense mixer. So you put orange juice in there, you put grapefruit juice, you put cranberry juice. Hell, pick a juice, babe. You want seven up? Put seven up in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kind of a tequila sunrise could be a good starting point.

[Jake Johnson]

We're just talking about deliciousness. So your body gets used to poison in preparation for you poisoning it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Alcohol is amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

It's poison.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The fact that I was just saying this the other day, it was like, we as a society have gradually been like, I don't know if I like this as much anymore, but a certain.

[Jake Johnson]

Group of society has.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It might be that I'm just age.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you're getting older. I would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The people I'm talking to are my age.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, am I even listening to Vicki?

[Jake Johnson]

So cruise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's a good idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Vicki.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think, and I will say I think probably white wine is a pretty good starting point. There's also the white wine spritzer, which I believe is like just club soda and wine. I might be wrong, but that's a way to water down the white wine a little bit because you don't need to like, I think again, you want to build up your tolerance but also find your little loopholes and, and you keep the water going. But I do think maybe a little wine with dinner is maybe the move. And my other question is, are we telling the boyfriend about this move in this direction?

[Jake Johnson]

Good question.

[Vicki]

I didn't mention that I was making this phone call and I wasn't sure which way to go with that. I didn't know if I wanted to surprise him or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, but don't you think he's going to be like, Jesus Christ, this now?

[Jake Johnson]

He's a drinker, Vicky. Does he drink all the time?

[Vicki]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I don't think, I don't think you need to say it then. I think you're. I think you're adapting. But again, let's. You got it. You got some time. So don't jump in the deep end. Let's just, let's use the ladder to get in the pool. We're not doing a cannonball.

[Jesse Thurston]

So, Vicky, I got a question. Vicki, do you want this to be like a, A lifestyle shift or do you want it to be just around the cruise? Like how long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jesse Thurston]

How long of a Runway do we need? You know, is it like.

[Vicki]

I. Yeah, I think mainly for the cruise, but also, you know, there have been times when like my friends have come over and I like to host parties and like, they'll get really drunk and then I'm like drunk two drinks in, and I'm like, okay, well that was bad.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's okay?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, it's. This is not a. This is not a feel good call. But it is a call. No, this is, here's what you're looking to do. You're like, I want to be a better drinker and you've come to the right place. Gareth and I are professionals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, good lord. I mean, Jesse, Jesse. Jesse's question was adorable.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But unfortunately, Jesse, you are dealing with degenerates.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Vicki, you need Runway.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Look, here's the thing. You gotta start. Your body needs to get used to the poison. So every day, babe, the comments.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Vicki, I'll tell you what, we'll make a promise, okay? If you stick to this plan, we want to do a follow up and see how it's going. And we promise we're not going to read the comments. So don't even bother commenting.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Vicki, here's what I want to do the follow up on this one. Here's what I would love you to do, actually, when you're doing one of the weekend nights when you're letting it rip and you are drunk, make a voice note and send it to us about how you think this call went and how your training's going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's great.

[Jake Johnson]

Throughout training. Every once in a while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Just say who you are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Set up the thing. Talk about how soon we're getting until the cruise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Days. Until the cruise.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, days. And then where you're at with your training. But this is a rocky montage. And then what we could do is we can put all of them together with the rocky theme behind it eventually as a. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The rye of the tiger.

[Jake Johnson]

The rye of the tiger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Vicky. Vicki, what is. What does the boyfriend drink?

[Vicki]

Oh, he is a big Coors Light person.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, also, I. I don't know if we go in that direction, but that is. He could drink 30 of those. I mean, that's Berg's whole angle.

[Vicki]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. So. So don't be afraid to pace yourself.

[Jake Johnson]

Anybody out there? And I know we've got a lot of musicians. We've got the Gingerbread House. We've had people send things in. If anybody wants to do a cover of Rye of the Tiger, please send it in. And we will put it underneath Vicky's drunk ramblings on voice notes. Maybe this will come out next April and just be a killer. Who knows? But, Vicki, please follow up with us. Please make the voice notes. Please be. This is just for the comments. Please be safe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be safe. And remember. Remember the disclaimer at the end of the episodes.

[Jake Johnson]

We never said these were the right ideas. They're just simply ideas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We're not saying we're the right guys to call, but we are guys to call. Okay. Why? Because we have microphones in our closet. Leave us alone. Okay. Thank you, Vicki. Appreciate it.

[Vicki]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good luck.

[Vicki]

Thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye.

[Olivia]

Bye.

[Vicki (voice memo)]

Hello, everyone. It's me again. I'm drinking and on the rocks, Blue Hawaiian. And it is really tasty, but only after you swallow it. And it is kind of hard to drink it because it tastes really bad. My boyfriend is walking his dog, so I'm making a voice memo because he's not here and it's a secret. So this. This. It's going really well, I would have to say.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Vicki (voice memo)]

Yeah, that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Vicki (voice memo)]

Cheers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How's it going?

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Kevin]

How you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. Can we get your name, please?

[Kevin]

Yeah. My name is Kevin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kevin. Hi, Kevin. Kevin, where are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Shout out to shark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are you calling from, Kevin?

[Kevin]

From Raleigh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Raleigh. Beautiful. How old are you, bud?

[Kevin]

Almost 50.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Almost 50.

[Jake Johnson]

What does that mean, 49 or 37.

[Kevin]

Yeah, I'll be 49 this year.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so a young guy. You're a young guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A kid. Okay. Don't let anyone tell you different. Use moisturizers. You shine up. Well, Kevin, Jake's been asking people if they have any notes for the show. You got a show note? You got anything? You think we could be doing better? Are we perfect? Where are we at? I got it.

[Kevin]

No real notes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Kevin]

Nothing really. I mean, sometimes you guys get on a tangent sometimes, and it's just like, you just forget the guest is even there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Probably six times.

[Kevin]

But usually they bring you back. Usually like Jesse or Natalie brings you back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah, that happened. I would say every call today that has happened.

[Jake Johnson]

Shark. Probably gonna happen on this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think. I feel it happened before we knew the problem. To honest. All right, Kevin, what's going on, man?

[Kevin]

Okay, so the. The gist of it is, I don't like cold sandwiches. Like, I don't like cold.

[Jake Johnson]

Cold meat sandwiches. I figured you're gonna say that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta say, sometimes it's the first line of. It's just. It's like, you know, they ask for a log line at a pitch. Like, what is the show like when you hear the log line of the. So I gotta be honest. I don't like cold sandwiches.

[Kevin]

Well, the issue is, like, you know, yeah, it is a hot day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I. I don't hate it. Okay, keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

I like.

[Kevin]

Yeah, so. So the issue is, like, if I'm camping and I'm. Or I'm with, like, a work event or extended family or something, everybody's all excited, like, what should we eat? Or what you have for lunch? And they want to order something or they get cold sandwiches once they come there and everybody's all excited eating them and I'm not eating it and looking at me, whenever I tell them why, you know, I don't want to eat it, they always look at me like I'm a weirdo. And then when I go into it more, you know, they never. Doesn't seem to justify anything.

[Jake Johnson]

They just even think, man, I'm gonna need you to go into it more. Yeah, I don't like the talking about.

[Kevin]

I don't like deli cuts. Just, like, the texture of them and just, like, the taste of them, and I just don't like it. It just turns them in my stomach.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Kevin]

I mean, especially when it's cold.

[Jake Johnson]

You like any kind of sandwich?

[Kevin]

Yeah, like, I'll eat like a Philly cheesesteak hot or like a meatball sandwich or. I mean, I don't mind grilled cheese, stuff like that. It's just cold deli meat. Stuff like that. I don't like. Or even like cold turkey and stuff and things like that, like on a sandwich.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about a PB&J?

[Kevin]

Yeah, I'll eat a PB&J.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you don't like cold meat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't like cold meat.

[Jake Johnson]

That's it.

[Kevin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I got one for you after Thanksgiving when there's a little extra turkey. Oh, you ever do a turkey sandwich the next day?

[Kevin]

I've tried that. I gotta heat up the turkey first. I can't just eat it cold.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, well, this is cool. So this is more of a. This is a hot take. I feel like a seventh grader in the room going like, this is crazy.

[Kevin]

Yeah, that's how it reacts. Yeah. And what's funny is now my extended family makes fun of me and they're like, when we're about to eat dinner, if it's meat or something like, Kevin, you can eat it right now. So, you know, you know, before it gets cold.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't wait. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin]

And I've tried to get around it, like on fishing trips and stuff with guys, and they pull out all the stuff and they're all excited and they're looking at me like, why aren't you eating this?

[Jake Johnson]

So what do you do in those situations? What do you eat? Do you have a little portable microwave? That's solar pants.

[Kevin]

I'll usually bring like. I usually bring, like, power bars. No, peanut butter and jelly. Usually bring my peanut butter jelly or like, I'll have backups.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Kevin]

I have like beef jerky or trail mix and a bunch of stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm on the boat with you. If I'm on the boat with you, I'm looking at you so strange. And you. Gareth knows me on this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I. Larry David.

[Jake Johnson]

It would be what's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, there would be, but the.

[Jake Johnson]

Beef jerky, I'm like, you can eat a slab of jerky that isn't that cold meats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's throwing me. It's throwing me that you'll eat a bag of meat, but you won't eat a cold. Same temperature meat.

[Kevin]

It's mostly deli meat. I mean, I think I could eat a cold piece of chicken, like fried chicken, but that's about it. I think that's probably the only thing.

[Jake Johnson]

I Think we need to do a hypnosis session. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I really. You're, you're. Look, they're your lines. We're not, we're not necessarily poking fun, but we're trying to find the thread here.

[Jake Johnson]

This is the premise of the show. And Gareth and I are in a bar with you. Before we pitch on what's happening, we're going, what's happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What about like, like, if french fries go cold, would you eat them?

[Kevin]

Man, I'm not looking forward to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

With their better hot. Yeah. You have a policy with the, the sandwiches.

[Kevin]

I think it's like you said, I think it's the mixture of the stuff on the sandwich. So I think it's like if I really, really was hungry hamburger from like.

[Jake Johnson]

An in and out takeout. By the time you get home, it's not hot anymore. Yeah.

[Kevin]

If it's warm, like lukewarm, but not like if it got cold.

[Jake Johnson]

So if it's anything, not the cold, but nothing. It's just room temperature.

[Kevin]

If it's room temperature, I could probably handle it.

[Jake Johnson]

But I mean, you're not psyched.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not like, wait a second. The difference there is that the meat in the burger has been cooked. Now, if some of these deli meats were, say, cooked turkey melted for lack of a better term, and then you got the sandwich with the meat that had been heated up, like on. In a pan or something prior, would you eat that?

[Kevin]

I probably could do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So it's uncooked. Meats that are not warm is gross. Let me ask you a question. Do you like sushi? Do you like sushi?

[Kevin]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you like fish?

[Kevin]

I mean, fried fish?

[Jake Johnson]

Do you like steak tartare?

[Kevin]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you like steak? Yeah. You don't like things that are uncooked, Right? That's simple. Yeah.

[Jesse Thurston]

So wait, Kevin, what is the actual questions?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Remember, there's one note on the show.

[Jake Johnson]

So we just brought him into the tangent. Yeah, yeah, we took your note and we heightened it.

[Kevin]

So in those situations when there's like sandwiches involved and everybody's like, why aren't you eating them? You know, what's something I can say? Right? Don't look like such a weird.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't like uncooked meats that are cold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's a podcast. I need you.

[Kevin]

You just said you, you thought like, what is happening when I said that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, but now we're more defined it then you. They go, what? And you go, I love fried fish. I'd never eat sushi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got it.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your intermittent Fasting.

[Jake Johnson]

He's gonna eat something, you idiot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's in his window.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. What's in the middle? If it was cooked, he's gonna make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but if he's going, well, he's gonna eat.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm intermittent fasting. Why are you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Because it's peanut butter and jelly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. My ketosis is weird. My ketosis is unique. I have unique ketosis.

[Jake Johnson]

So then, Kevin, the specific question is, is what do you say when people say to you, why aren't you eating this turkey sandwich? Is that correct? Right.

[Kevin]

And then once I say, I don't like cold meat sandwiches.

[Jake Johnson]

Right, right.

[Kevin]

Because then they kind of want to go into it, like what you guys are talking about.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't want. You don't want your whole life to be this conversation that we made. You just do. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Probably the worst version of it ever, to be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. So how about this? I have an allergy to cold meats.

[Kevin]

I think it's a good idea.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's allergy.

[Kevin]

Yeah. Or to the preservatives in it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Because of the preservatives and. What do you mean? I get a terrible stomachache. It sucks. Yeah. So if it's cooked, there's something about. And you go like this. I don't even know. But there's something about once it's cooked, I don't know, something changes with the meat. But if it's uncooked, I get sick. Yeah.

[Kevin]

Just say it's like a gluten allergy. Seem really, like, messes with your stomach or something.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I just. But I would say rad, because here's where it's crazy, Kevin. This is a psychological issue, and it's a fun psychological issue. So it invokes people wanting to ask questions and get to the bottom of it. I'll tell you what's not a fun issue. Stomach issues that are physical that you don't even fully know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Easily you go, no, thanks. Why don't you eat a turkey sandwich? Deli meats give me diarrhea. Yeah. Oh, really? You go, it sucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But you had that warm turkey sandwich yesterday. If it's cooked, it's different. They go, that's so weird. And you go, rather not talk about my diarrhea on a fishing trip, gentlemen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And just a different scapegoat. I. If you've ever had food poisoning off of a dish, it's over. Like, I. I will. Like, I've gotten food Poisoning off of things. And I like, if someone is. I'm like, I will never eat that. It got ruined. If you had bad deli meats, like you got a club sandwich recently that ruined you. So you're off the deli meats. That maybe plays into the Jake pitch a little bit where it's like, if it's cooked, it's a little easier for me. I try not to. It's not my favorite, but I like lost three days, I'll tell you.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm going to agree with Gareth on this. When we were kids, my mom used to have. We used to have like, I don't even know what it would be now, but she'd go to this, I think, Polish deli and just get a big chunk of like liver and you would scoop the liver onto saltine crackers.

[Kevin]

My dad was like that, yeah, that's raw liver.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what we. I would do that. And it was. I don't know if it was. I don't even remember. I just remember it was just like a snack we had in my mother's house. And one day I was eating it in the kitchen and as I was eating it, a mouse ran out at my floor. And it was so bold. I was eating the liver and then a mouse just runs from like under the refrigerator right at me. And I was like, I've had a full there's a mouse in my house moment. And then it keeps running around the kitchen. I'm screaming. After the chaos all settled down, my mom was like, it's a mouse. Relax. It's 100 year old house. I was like, never ate liver again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, sounds like a win. I, I would say take something like that. That they're only going to make fun of you more. It's crazy to see a mouse and be like, I'm done with liver.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I tried. So this is where I'm relating to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not, I'm not saying that.

[Jake Johnson]

I was like. As I was doing it, I saw the little mouse fur and I was like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ew. It's just the. Under my refrigerator for that to ruin liver.

[Jake Johnson]

What if we did this? What if you made. There's an old story about Steve Martin. When he was first famous and he got recognized all the time, he got so bored of doing it that he made little business cards that said, said Steve Martin. I met Steve Martin and then number whatever. So it was specific. So rather than stop and talk, you just hand the card. What if you made business cards that said, I don't eat cold meat. It's not that interesting. Let's not spend the day talking about it. And so. And then you write like, I'm nearly 50 years old. We can't spend time talking about this. This card tells you everything you need to know. I promise, if you ask more questions, it gets less and less interesting. And then a link to this podcast episode. If you need to know more, listen to We're Here to help, episode 231. They'll explain everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I'm gonna say I fell in love with that as we got into it, because we're not dealing with a huge. I was gonna say maybe get a shirt that says that. But we're not dealing with a huge circle. No, it's just everyone will have one within a year.

[Jake Johnson]

Less. And you know when it's gonna happen. You're going out with guys, then it'll be a really funny thing where the guy will read it and go, like, what the fuck? You giving me a business card? And you go, I've given you a business card. Oh, you want it? And I go, you're choosing to talk about the most boring thing in the world. That's on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I've given you the card.

[Jake Johnson]

And then somebody goes, what is going on? You hand them the card too, and they go, this is really weird with the cards. You go, I know. Okay. Ask any questions you want. And then a minute. In you go, I warned you. You know, it's not going to happen a second time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That you could also say, I gave you the card with the link. If you listen to the episode and you want to talk about it after. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

But right now, let's go back to what we were just talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

How many. Have some beef jerky. Yes. It doesn't make sense. Yes. And I'm gonna have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And. Yeah, my logic's all over the place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll eat what we're gonna drumstick.

[Jake Johnson]

And the person who is happening to in a year from now, listen to this episode after receiving that card from Kevin. You're right. Kevin's logic is really weird. And moving on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kevin, what are you thinking?

[Kevin]

I think that's funny. I think. I think that would be good to make a card and give it to people.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you could make a card so easily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Cheap these days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What would you put. Let's figure out. Kevin, can we. Will you grab a pen or something? Let's write that card together as a team. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the first thing we could do is when we release the episode. Part of the title can be Kevin don't like deli meats. Which right off the bat, send a signal to the person they're on the right one. I. I think you could say something like this. Look, I don't like cold deli meats. I'll eat jerky. Maybe it's weird. Who cares? For more go here.

[Jake Johnson]

Ooh. Do you think that's simple?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Kev, I think I'm thinking the Steve Martin card.

[Kevin]

So you're thinking saying, look, I don't like deli meats a jerky. I know it's weird, but if you'd like to know more, go here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe it's weird. Who cares?

[Jake Johnson]

What are we thinking here?

[Kevin]

Yeah, I think it's worth a shot. Like making a card and doing that.

[Jake Johnson]

You like it? Yeah, I think it works.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's it gonna say?

[Kevin]

Look, I don't like deli meats. I eat jerky. Maybe that's weird. If you want to know more about that, go here.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, if I got that card, I would have a laugh. And then. But Kevin, here's the response. If they go, what does this even mean? You said go there. Yeah, it's all there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, honestly, I don't know how you feel, but to me I think it's. It's taking something that's kind of like puzzling.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And making it funny. Interesting and intriguing and funny. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so. So stick with what we got. And then really quick, let's Uncle Buck this for a second. Kevin, do you like salad? Yeah. Do you like salad with chicken on it?

[Kevin]

If it's warm.

[Jake Johnson]

Would you eat a cooked chicken Caesar salad out of the fridge?

[Olivia]

No.

[Kevin]

Well cooked one. But how would you do that?

[Jake Johnson]

You've cooked chicken, right? Then that chicken, which has been cooked is now chopped up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A pre made salad basically in a container.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're getting it out of the fridge. So it's cold cooked chicken. No, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you'd eat a drumstick cold. Yeah.

[Kevin]

I think what it is is maybe like the thought of eating cold meat and it turning my stomach is going to be there when I go to even I pull it. And noting it was cooked before the salad. No, it's kicked before. The thought of that, the trauma of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That before, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.

[Jake Johnson]

But we're getting all of this out. So everybody in his life hears this. So the questions are done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so funny. The day we started about how sweet Jesse, it's Jess for Jesse. To jump in and be like, stop.

[Jake Johnson]

Kevin, would you eat cold spaghetti with me? Kevin? No.

[Kevin]

No, you wouldn't.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kevin, do you eat leftovers?

[Kevin]

When I heat it up, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kevin, what cold food do you like?

[Kevin]

I mean, like ice cream and stuff like that.

[Jake Johnson]

That's freezing. What, what do you eat anything out of a refrigerator?

[Kevin]

Yeah, I mean, like pickles, vegetables, stuff like that.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, do you eat anything that's not in a jar? Do you eat anything? Yeah. Do you eat any protein from the refrigerator? Nah.

[Kevin]

Must have sheated up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We gotta let him go. Are you gonna make the cards?

[Kevin]

Yeah, I think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Make the cards. You could go on. There's so many sites you could go on. Make a card, send us a picture of the card.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And also go out on a couple trips.

[Jake Johnson]

A lot of people have said this to me in my life after I explained my logic. But who hurt you, man?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know who. Finally we know a mouse.

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody hurt you while you're eating a cold thing of amount.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So hand them out for a little while. Follow up and let us know how it's going.

[Jake Johnson]

And I love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll let you know. It's awesome.

[Kevin]

Appreciate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't make the cards until we could tell you the episode number and the episode title. But I think Kevin don't like deli meats. Could be in the.

[Jake Johnson]

I think so too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In the header. All right, dude, shine on, you crazy diamond.

[Kevin]

Take care. Big fan of you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Big fan of you, Kevin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Enjoy more meats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jesse Thurston]

Sweet. Jesse here. This next call is a follow up to episode 188, digging up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Orville. Hello.

[Olivia]

Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. What is your name?

[Vicki]

Hi, I'm Olivia. Olivia, I'm from Ohio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Olivia]

Yeah, from Ohio. My fiance was Nick, and he's the one who really wanted to dig up the grave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel]

Oh.

[Jake Johnson]

A lot of backlash on this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of legal talk, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. A lot of people saying like, hey, hey, that's crazy, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And saying, it's illegal.

[Jake Johnson]

I know it.

[Olivia]

Yeah, apparently I brought up the topic. I mean, my friends and family listened to the pod, too, and people were very split. They were either like, yes, dig it up.

[Vicki]

Check it out. It's your property. And then other people were like, he'll go to prison.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting. All right. Oh, dog. So walk us through what the problem was again. Just do a little recap. Walk us through what we pitched, and then, hell, let us know what happened.

[Olivia]

All right, so the problem was that we have. We have this old house, and we found headstone outside, and my fiance wanted to just dig up the grave and check it out and see if there was even a body there, because he doesn't even think anyone's there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Elmer.

[Vicki]

And then.

[Olivia]

Orville.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Orville, that's it. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty close.

[Olivia]

And then he also really wanted to bring the headstone inside just to preserve it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. I love that.

[Olivia]

I did. I did not want that.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's right.

[Vicki]

Correct. Yes. The.

[Olivia]

The pitches were. Jake immediately took Nick's side, and then. But you guys said that we could build a little shrine.

[Vicki]

Put a little.

[Olivia]

Table out there to have some coffee and just pay our respects to Orville.

[Rachel]

Pretty much.

[Jake Johnson]

In hearing what you just said, I have no idea why we got all those angry emails.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it does feel like we Landed in a very rational place. Maybe we went.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought the email. Yeah, I thought the emails were because I was saying dig up the body, but it doesn't sound like I was saying that.

[Rachel]

Did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did he say dig up the body?

[Olivia]

I think he did. You may have said that. You got a little bit lost in the sauce, I think.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You. You hear digging?

[Jake Johnson]

That's the name of my memoir, Lost in the Burg songs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're here digging and body, and you get a little. It's.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a little weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wires get a little crossed.

[Olivia]

Got a little excited.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Doug, we. What you end up doing.

[Olivia]

So I. I'm still in the process of the shrine, but Nick, he kind of. He phased out the hole digging up the grave, and the grave is still against the garage, so nothing made it in the house. He got onto new phases. He's painting things and doing whatever, but I ended up buying a stone sealer for the headstone. We haven't tried it out yet because he's a little bit cautious. He doesn't want anything to ruin the stone. He wants to preserve it. So we'll see if he ends up wanting to use that. But I ended up. There was an old stump on top of the grave, so I dug it up and I planted a Korean lilac bush so it should, like, bloom in the spring. And it's a really, really pretty flower. I don't know if you guys know anything about flowers, but it smells good. And then I put. Oh, yeah, I put this cute little, like, white bench and chairs. It almost looks like a fairy garden chair right in front of it. So then we could have coffee out there and talk. And then I bought some clay, and I'm going to make a little shrine with a candle in it and put it right next to it. So we didn't dig up the.

[Jake Johnson]

What are we seeing here, babe?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we're seeing very classy sort of iron or metal furniture. A very. What I would describe as like a little English tea garden almost. You've got a little table, a little kind of love seat, and then two chairs, and it's a beautiful view. And this is right next to the grave?

[Vicki]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

So right behind it, you could see.

[Vicki]

That it kind of looks like a.

[Olivia]

Dead stick, but it's a bush that's going to flower in the spring.

[Jesse Thurston]

That's great.

[Olivia]

And there's a rock on top of it. So that rock was there, too. And it's a nice flat rock. So I was like, if Nick wants to keep the headstone preserved and keep it Underneath the garage so it doesn't get rained on or anything. Then maybe we could etch something in that flat rock.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right. How far are we from the grave here, pal?

[Olivia]

That's on top of the grave, that stump. So that hole was a stump and the grave was like on. Leaning against the stump.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Orville's under the bush.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And now I get it. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't you worry. We're four feet away from a body. Don't you worry.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, that's all I need. So essentially. Go ahead, Olivia.

[Olivia]

I was just gonna say I just. So everyone knows I dug up this stump. I didn't go past like a foot. I didn't go six feet.

[Jake Johnson]

It sure get it. That's just Olivia hick. I gotta tell you something about the comments. You gotta view comments like a WWE wrestler. Sometimes the bad ones are good to all of our callers. When people are turning on you, don't write back. Don't be like, that's actually a nice person. I was just tired on a Wednesday. Yeah, just be Andy Kaufman. Let him come in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, don't read them. Just. If you're a caller, don't read them.

[Jake Johnson]

Them or have fun with them or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, B. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Enjoy it. Enjoy it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And let's remember that at the end of the day, there's a lilac bush above the body of a guy. The headstone is being preserved. There's a nice coffee drinking area. To quote Jake, sometimes you gotta run a block to run a mile to walk a block. So we got a good place.

[Jake Johnson]

It just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We. There was.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We talked about a lot of digging for a minute, but.

[Jake Johnson]

But, but I will tell you this, Gareth, and thank you for bringing it back home. The premise of this show is you can call in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

There's two guys who act like your uncles in a bar who are going to help you come up with a solution. We've had a couple problem. Had a couple of pops. Your problem came in and we got you a really nice solution.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Vicki]

I'm very happy with the solution.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Olivia]

I think think looks cute. And Orville being honored.

[Vicki]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And so I just want to say to us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bell ring.

[Jake Johnson]

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Gareth, will you give us a little bit of a beatbox bell ring. Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's an impossible ask, but sure.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. That's a win now let's keep going. We got some. That's a win now. That's a win now. That's a win without a bell. Because he's a hotel now. No That's a window. That's a window. Olivia Jumping it's hotel cuz. It's a window. Olivia. Go Orville.

[Olivia]

That's a win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a win.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you very much for the call. We're happy about it. I think you guys got a lovely little thing. Yeah, we appreciate you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, Olivia.

[Olivia]

Thanks, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Rachel]

Hey, guys, this is Rachel. I just got done listening to the dog tattoo episode and heard Kelsey come on and talk about our fellow listener who is in need of a kidney. And that Grey's Anatomy episode, you nailed it, Kelsey. That's called a domino transplant. And I have happy to say that I've been part of one of those. I donate a kidney to someone in order for my brother to get a kidney and it works. If anybody's thinking about it and isn't sure, being a living donor is wonderful. As long as you're healthy and you listen to your doctors, living with one kidney is absolutely doable. My mom, my dad, my eldest brother and myself have all donated and we're fine. My mom donated back in the 80s and she's doing great. So if you're considering it, just talk to your doctors and give it a try and I'm happy to give my information. If anybody ever has any questions about what it's like being a living donor, thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Jesse Thurston]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Rachel]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.