240: Looks 61, Feels 51 & Tight Little Bottoms, Tight Little Top

Summary

We're Here To Help – Episode 240 Summary

Episode Title: Looks 61, Feels 51 & Tight Little Bottoms, Tight Little Top
Release Date: December 15, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Special Guests: Andy Roddick (tennis star), various callers

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Episode Overview

In their typically irreverent, riff-heavy style, Jake and Gareth open the mailbag for another hour-plus of chaotic advice-giving to listeners. From an unhinged dating pitch left in a Little Free Library to homemade Christmas weapons and an epic “Trash Hole” marital showdown (with athlete Andy Roddick officiating), the guys lean on bits, banter, and occasional real wisdom. Expect oddball humor, gentle roasting, and a surprising number of practical strategies to weird problems.

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Key Segments and Insights

1. Catalina Island & Chimp Sanctuary Dreams (01:02–07:47)

• Gareth shares his love for Catalina Island, likening it to a utopia for the "We're Here to Help" podcast crew.
  • “If there was ever… a place where we all live, the ‘We’re Here to Help’ group, it’s Catalina” (02:07 – Gareth)
• Discussion of unique Catalina features—no cars, only golf carts, leftover movie bison, Chicago Cubs spring training history, and the fantasy of opening a chimp sanctuary.
  • “I think I just realized my calling in my later half of life: chimp sanctuaries.” (03:50 – Gareth)
• Riffing about charity chimp telethons and how weird tour guides always fill silence with nonsense.
  • “The reality of rain is rain coming from the sky… hits the ground… creates puddles. Puddles. Animals bounce in, then dries. And I’m like, this is nonsense.” (06:26 – Gareth)
  • Both hosts question why tour guides must talk incessantly, inviting tour guide listeners to explain.

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2. The Little Free Library Creeper Letter (12:41–39:12)

Caller: Kate from Greater Boston

• Situation: Kate runs a Little Free Library; repeatedly finds a bizarre, detailed personal ad from a 71-year-old man seeking a much younger, very tall, heavyset white Catholic woman.
  • The note: “…looks 61, feels 51. 5’5”, 160 lbs. Gentle, peaceful…seeking a single white Catholic woman, 40–55, 6’ to 6’5”, 200–300 pounds, to go hiking, camping, and boating…” (14:07–15:48 – Kate reading Joe’s letter)
  • The letter gets weirder, with references to “Amazon women” and a request to be “treated like a queen.”
• Hosts’ Key Reactions:
  • “I mean, he wants a WNBA player.” (16:43 – Jake)
  • “All right, Kate, so this is as wild of a setup as we’ve had in a while.” (17:08 – Gareth)
• Safety Concerns: Creepy/kid-inappropriate; the guy doesn’t live nearby but distributes the letters across towns, using neighborhood libraries as a “geriatric eHarmony.”
• Potential Solutions Debated:
  • Install a camera—rejected due to privacy for kids and library users.
  • Leave a clear, firm letter or sign addressed to "Joe," asking him to stop, using neutral, communal language.
• Collaborative Letter Draft:
  • “Dear Joe, Please stop putting letters in this box. This is a book exchange. If you are looking for love, perhaps try the Internet, but this is for people who live in this community. Thanks.” (31:31 – collaborative writing segment)
• Hosts Goof on Joe’s Request:
  • “He wants to get dominated in the paint. Jake.” (22:21 – Gareth)
  • “He looks 61, but he feels 51.” (22:32 – Jake)
• Pitch for Listeners: If any listener matches Joe’s description (“if you are between 6’ and 6’5”, weigh 200–300 lbs, and fancy hiking with a 5’5” 71-year-old romantic…”), email the show. (33:42–34:49 – Gareth and Jake)
• Conclusion: Kate will laminate and post the letter, send photo proof, and follow up. “I’m gonna do that. But I still want to hear you call him and pretend to be an Amazon woman.” (38:46 – Kate)

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3. Homemade Christmas Weapons Rivalry (42:01–55:19)

Caller: TT from Oakland, CA

• Situation: TT’s brother Paul, a sports and Lifetime movies enthusiast, has made a holiday tradition of giving her creative, sometimes dangerous, homemade weapons (e.g., “Molotov’s Mocktail,” tuna can knives, beaded machete with “Badass circus chick”). It’s become a family spectacle.
  • “Last year, he made a weapon with, I think it was 50 tuna can… pop tops.” (44:21 – TT)
• TT’s Dilemma: Wants a return-gift idea “to rival his creativity,” ideally not a weapon.
• Hosts dig up TT’s aerialist/circus artist background (national championship winner!):
  • “What does that mean, a circus artist?” (48:17 – Gareth)
  • TT: “I’m an aerialist—my specialty is the fabric.” (48:20)
• Solution: Make Paul an annual "uniform"—a tight, circus-inspired outfit he must model for the family, perhaps stitched with his favorite sports team’s logo.
  • “Tight little bottoms, tight little top… your uniform was provocative.” (53:01 – Gareth)
  • “Every year, he makes you a weapon and you make him a cute little outfit.” (54:13 – Gareth)
• TT loves it, commits to the bit, and promises follow-ups, including video of Paul in costume.

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4. Return of Trash Hole: The Contract, The Critique, The Roddick (56:57–79:06)

Caller: Nadine (with fiancé Javier as context); Guest judge: Andy Roddick

• Review: In a past episode, Nadine wanted permission to play “Trash Hole” (throwing trash bags from balcony to bins). Javier objected after repeated misses caused garbage messes.
• Nadine’s New “Professional” Contract (read at length):
  • A 70% baseline (7/10 bags made cleanly, practicing first with safe items), “service obligations” if she fails, and activity rewards for Javier (15-min back scratch, Lego building, YouTube videos watched together, etc.).
  • “This agreement is entered into by and between Javier (plaintiff) and Nadine (defendant)…” (58:31 – Jake reading contract)
• Hosts and Andy Roddick’s Responses:
  • Amused by the contract’s detail. “In the event of failure as defined in Section 2.2… the defendant agrees to provide one of the following services of the plaintiff’s choosing…” (60:16 – Nadine’s revised contract)
  • Roddick: “This is a very easy fix… sandbag the can so it doesn’t tip over.”
  • Jake: “The whole point… is not to knock over the bin.” (65:07)
• Video Review: Nadine nails 9/10 bags—but the bin topples almost every time. Hosts are divided—has she really “won”?
  • “If you have a trash full of garbage and you throw it in and the bin tips over, that’s the worst case scenario.” (65:04 – Gareth)
  • “If she can get Javier to agree that’s a make, why grasp defeat from the jaws of victory?” (67:01 – Andy Roddick)
• Final Word: Nadine can “win” if she moves the bin, and it stays upright with bags landing in it. They demand proof on her wedding day. “You got a wedding in two days, kid. I’d get out there and practice.” (75:28)

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5. Lightning Round & Listener Mail (79:26–80:39)

• Lex from Austin calls in with the following take:
  • “When I saw Harry and Marv [in Home Alone], the only two people I saw was Jake and Gary. Jake’s accent, Gareth’s curly hair…I can’t unsee it.” (79:26 – Lex's voicemail)
  • The hosts are delighted to be compared to the Wet Bandits.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Bits

• On the Amazon woman letter:
  “He’s getting boxed out… He wants to get dominated in the bedroom.” (22:21–22:27 – Gareth)

• On circular gift escalation:
  “Every year, he makes you a weapon and you make him a cute little outfit. And then eventually get him hanging from a rope.” (54:13 – Gareth)

• Trash Hole athleticism:
  Andy Roddick: “To get to the highest level of Trash Hole, you can’t do that weak stuff and say you’re winning. There are better players out there… in Singapore playing Trash Hole and not missing!” (78:15)

• On the detailed “contract”:
  “This agreement, intended to be humorous, binding only in spirit, carried out in good faith by both parties…” (62:02 – reading Nadine’s contract)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |----------|-----------------------------------------------| | 01:02 | Catalina Island and chimp dreams | | 12:41 | Start of Little Free Library/“Joe” segment | | 31:31 | Collaborative writing of the anti-Joe letter | | 42:01 | Homemade Weapons sibling rivalry (TT) | | 48:17 | TT describes circus/aerialist career | | 53:01 | Costume return-gift pitch | | 56:57 | Andy Roddick ‘Trash Hole’ segment begins | | 58:31 | Reading Nadine’s contract | | 60:16 | Service obligations in Trash Hole | | 75:28 | “You got a wedding in two days, kid” — pep talk| | 79:26 | “Wet Bandits” voicemail bit by Lex |

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Tone & Style

• Bawdy, silly, warm-hearted, sometimes biting humor.
• Callers are treated as old friends, with plenty of affectionate teasing.
• Tangents, inside jokes, and side character (Eric, Steve) references throughout.
• Advice is well-meaning but rarely expert—hosts are quick to admit when things have gotten off the rails.

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Conclusion

Episode 240 highlights everything “We’re Here to Help” does best: wild real-life problems, semi-useful advice, creative problem-solving, and constant laughter. The hosts’ chemistry and the blending of the absurd with moments of community wisdom (and actual letter-writing) create a one-of-a-kind listener experience. Bonus: if you’re 6'5" and shopping for a date named Joe, you know who to call.

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Catch up or listen in for:

• The creepiest Little Free Library letter you’ll ever hear
• The world’s quirkiest sibling gift exchange
• The most detailed marital “Trash Hole” contract on Earth
• Andy Roddick’s athlete’s mindset for household sports

All timestamps, quotes, and segments true to show’s original banter and language.

Transcript

[Andy Roddick]

Quick.

[Jake Johnson]

Choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and four piece of McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Prices and participation may vary.

[Jake Johnson]

Not Valver McDelivery.

[Steve Berg]

Hey, we're Heredos. The Steve Berg 2026 calendar is here. Well, almost. It will be available for order on December 3rd at 12:00pm Eastern Standard Time. We are doing a limited run of 500 calendars, so get yours while you can. All orders will ship December 9th, just in time for the holidays. Visit www.heretohelppod.com to order.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Garfan. I just went to Catalina and loved it and thought about our group a lot there. It was the perfect place for the we're here to help. If there was ever like the remember the Beatles movie and the monkeys movie of the monkey show where they live. The we are here to help group all lives on Catalina Island. The weird guy weird here to help has their own little area.

[Jake Johnson]

Good. It's that's important.

[Gareth Reynolds]

88 of the island is untouched. It's conservatory. Everybody else is only on 12%. There's no cars. There's all golf cars. Everybody's just all I did the whole time I get there. You can walk from where the ferry drops you off to all the hotels in town.

[Jake Johnson]

I love that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dude. There's no cars.

[Jake Johnson]

That that's that golf carts. That's the best mini little golf cart parking area. So what do you just rent one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So when at our Airbnb we part of the Airbnbs is you get a golf cart. We went ziplining. We went kayaking in the ocean. How many days I think four or five. That's per to the for Thanksgiving dinner went to this place called the Avalon Grill where they did a whole Thanksgiving. It was delicious. I could not have liked it more. And I had that realization while I was there that I was like this is a place that feels like where I belong. But more so. I can't believe Steve and Eric don't live there. Well, I can't believe Eric isn't the mayor. They have wild. They have bison. There's literal bison Western they but they had a western movie they made back in the day and they brought in bison for the scene. Then the bison didn't listen. They just ran wild. So the guy said to Wrigley From Wrigley Field. The Wrigley family who owns the island, he goes, these bison just escape. What should we do? And Wrigley goes, leave them for tourism.

[Jake Johnson]

So Wrigley. The Wrigleys own the island. So you went to a Wrigley owned island.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Chicago cubs from the 20s to the 50s used to do spring training on Catalina.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Even for you, this is extra.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I went there years ago with Croco.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he knew all this stuff. He. When I first moved la, my brother was reminding me. I didn't remember, but I told my brother, I was like, I'm in Catalina. And he goes, I think we went there together. And I was like, right, we did. But it's really connected to the Cubs and Wrigley and Chicago. It is. I didn't like it. Gareth. I loved. Doesn't feel like a real world. All the houses are mini. If it had a chimp sanctuary on.

[Jake Johnson]

That island, that's where you come in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'd be heavy.

[Jake Johnson]

That's where you come in. The Jake Johnson chimp house, by the way. Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I just realized my calling in my later half of life chimp sanctuaries.

[Jake Johnson]

Dudes, seriously, we need them. We need them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These people are raising chimps like kids and getting sick of them. Well, what happens to bubbles?

[Jake Johnson]

You're again, you're going very specific with bubbles because you do know the ins and outs of the bubble story. But there's a lot of other bubble stories that are, you know, Nim the chimp? There's a lot of those. There's a lot of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Buddy wants to get into the chimp sanctuary game. I want to get in.

[Jake Johnson]

Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to start. I will do my Jerry Lewis telethons raising money for him.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just you out there. All right, bring out gumball. Gumball's a beautiful capuchin. We got a real son of a. Look at this guy. Oh, my God. Look at the nuts on this guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This chimp over here can paint. Look at that son of a bitch. Look at that one. He's wild.

[Jake Johnson]

That art's not really good, but he's a chimp. What do you want? Come on. Keep calling everybody these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a good looking chimp.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a good chimp. Is that a boy or a girl?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then this green goes black. The host said too much.

[Jake Johnson]

The little color bars come on. Then they come back. Hey, all right, look, I got some directorial correction. We got a lot of beautiful chimps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But this is a true shout out to Catalina.

[Jake Johnson]

I would love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody should go. You gotta go.

[Jake Johnson]

You just take a ferry out there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I was thinking while I was out there, how fun. I just don't think it's right. But that's where we should do a live show.

[Jake Johnson]

Why not?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just think it's too much of a pain in the butt for audiences to come.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, but whatever, you're listening. You're gonna be out there for your chimp work anyway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, the idea of only doing live.

[Jake Johnson]

Shows for 18, 18 people are like, wait, what is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Does anyone have a problem? I have an issue with the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not on this island. It's paradise. One thing I do need to say about tours, my family and I, now that I have kids on vacations, we do a lot of tour things or we'll go on like, kayaking or ziplining or a. You know, in Alaska, when we did that movie, like, you go look at whales, you do whatever. One woman admitted that in their contract, they have to talk the entire time. So if you've ever been on a tour, there's. The person's always talking.

[Jake Johnson]

Horrible, too. There's a lot of filler.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we were in Denali. We went on like a seven hour bus ride into D Back at one person. At one point, the woman was talking. Gareth. She was. She was literally just words. She was like, well, at that point, there is rainfall. And then she went like, well, the reality of rain is rain coming from the sky, hits the ground, creates puddles. Puddles. Animals bounce in, then dries. And I'm like, this is nonsense.

[Jake Johnson]

No, shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I think there's something. And if anybody has been a tour guide and knows that that's part of the training and policy, I want to get to the bottom of it. Because there is just straight up, there can be silence.

[Jake Johnson]

I've been on tours. I was on a waterfall tour in Iceland and I put in AirPods. I was like, I can't do this anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. But it's so, like, I get the information. It's.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure, there's a lot to give out, but it doesn't need to be a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

15 minutes of silence.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, no, neither's the tour guide.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody wants it. But I think there's a policy in whoever is running this that goes, hey, they're paying good money for this. Fill their ears with garbage. And if anybody has been a tour.

[Jake Johnson]

Guide, you know who's going to push back on your theory?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eric?

[Jake Johnson]

100, brother. Let him talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God, you're a grump. I've learned more nonsense from tour guides. Everybody. Enjoy the show.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Arma has sent Gareth and I some of their products. I have been drinking it while I'm working out with Rudy Garcia at G Fit Training, and I'm turning into a wild animal.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Look, you remember the early days, we didn't know what we were doing. Then we found our rhythm and then we started using Squarespace. So this is whether you're just starting or whether you want to build it up, whatever you want to do. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, and grow your brand. And also at times, grow your bs. I mean, Squarespace is cool with us admitting that on this show, there are multiple times where we have created a fake website for people and we continue to do it. The amount of times we talk about Squarespace when someone needs to build their business up or they need to tell their boss that they're actually taking a cooking class when really they're involved in some, you know, ribald stuff that, that Squarespace probably doesn't want me to bring up on here. But they have so much stuff. They're offering services. They give you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. This is if you want to do consultations to events and experiences. It showcases your offerings with customizable website design to attract clients and grow your business. Cutting edge design. They have cutting edge tools so they make it look I'm. I all websites that I'm associated with are Squarespace. They all look awesome. Do you think that's because I am good with computers? I know what I'm doing? No, I'm an idiot. Squarespace is smart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So go to squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me tell you about a time when I just used 1, 800 flyers and I even even used our own code, which is crazy to say, but I did. It was 1-800-flowers.com here to help. I put that in myself. I saved up for 40 off of the Christmas bestsellers. But you know what? I sent it to a sweet woman named Pam. A sweet, beautiful angel named Pam. I sent her a little lover's gift. Something to let her know that I was thinking of her. I think she is gorgeous. I think she smells as sweet as a 1-800flower because she is my 1-800-flower. She is as good as it gets. She just gave me a little gift of a little coffee cup with a baby monkey on it. I said, cheeky monkey. And in return, I sent her a lot of flowers from 1-800-Flowers. So, Pam, enjoy the sweet smell because I enjoy the sweet smell of you.

[Jake Johnson]

I use 1-800-flowers all the time and I'm using it this holiday season. So you're going to get a bouquet. It's going to look beautiful. It's fresh, it shows up. I mean, really, it. It just. It makes you look good. So beat the holiday Russian. Save 40 off Christmas bestsellers at 1-800-flowers.com here to help. That's 1-800-Flowers.com here to help for up to 40 off Christmas best sellers. Hello. Crikey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello, caller.

[Kate]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

How are you?

[Kate]

I'm good. How are you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. What's your name?

[Kate]

Please, My name is Kate.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, Kate. Where are you calling from, Kate?

[Kate]

The greater Boston area.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure. Boston. Beautiful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth went to Emerson.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure did. Read that T. How many who went to Emerson?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did, Gareth.

[Kate]

Oh, nice.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kate]

Wait, so did you grow up over here?

[Jake Johnson]

No, I grew up in Wisconsin, but I went there. I was in Boston for five years. Read the tea. How much the T cost now?

[Kate]

God, honestly, I try to avoid it at all costs, to be honest with you.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Oh, that's interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Kate. You got Jake, you got Gary. Gareth, what is. What's going on? What can we help you with?

[Kate]

All right, so I have a little free library on my front yard. I love you guys. That is. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. One across the street.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Kate]

Nice. So lots of kids in the neighborhood, and so obviously there's kids books in there. And there's a letter that we seem to get pretty frequently. Have you guys seen it or should I read it to you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We, Gareth and I have not.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, read it.

[Natalie]

I have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Natalie]

If you guys want to look.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, let's have Kate read it.

[Natalie]

Okay.

[Kate]

Okay.

[TT]

All right.

[Kate]

So, single, white Catholic man, 71, looks 61, feels 51. 5 5, 160 pounds. Gentle, peaceful, dependable, polite, honest, devoted, organized, clean, fair, not greedy and wasteful. Very romantic and very patient, but still seeking a very strong, single, white Catholic woman, 40 to 55. 6 to 6 5. 200 to 300 pounds. To go hiking. To go hiking, camping and boating with. On small, gentle rivers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy shit.

[Kate]

I also love to play my electric guitar with my oldies music in my office, in my house. Holy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God, there's another page.

[Kate]

My favorite movies are of expeditions in the Amazon jungle with Amazon women and of Amazon women bodybuilders who are heroines. Please call me. I. I'm assuming I could say his name because he's definitely.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, just don't say his number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kate]

Please call me Joe at blank. Or please mail a letter to me, too. And then this town, Bridgewater. Okay. I'll just say that please include your home address as neatly as you can so that I can write back to you as soon as I can. And then in all caps, like, written very aggressively, it says, if you're the right one for me, I'll treat you like a queen. Underlined, exclamation point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy shit, Kate. I mean, incredible. That was left in the little library thing.

[Kate]

Yes. Multiple times, same letter, Same letter.

[Jake Johnson]

The writing's also wild.

[Kate]

It's funny. Honestly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's unhinged. First of all. First thing, Kate, be careful. We got to be very careful on.

[Kate]

This one because all my uncles told me that.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a weird.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll be honest. It's the. Taking the woman out on the boat is where I got a little. Ooh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would say everything.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that's when I go, murder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I don't think it's murder. I just think it's a super weird dude.

[Jake Johnson]

The parameters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We do, whatever we do in this solution, we got to keep it very anonymous and keep this guy away from you.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, he wants a WNBA player.

[Kate]

Okay?

[TT]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He wants a £300. He wants a £300 65 from an Amazon woman who's white.

[Kate]

Yeah, yeah. Who's also like 30 years younger than him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did he say white?

[Jake Johnson]

Anyway, she did say white.

[Kate]

Yes, he said white. He said white Catholic. I mean, boxing white catholic guys, but I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy cow. All right, Kate, so this is as wild of a setup as we've had in a while. What's the question?

[Kate]

Okay, so one more piece of information, please. Just so you guys see where this is coming from. The address he gives, I, like, put it into Google and it's at least like 35 minute drive from me. So he doesn't live in my neighborhood. It's not a neighborhood. Like, this is some guy who must go to multiple.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kate]

Little free libraries and use them as his, like, geriatric harmony. Hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what?

[TT]

Natalie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Didn'T ring. Reach out to us.

[Natalie]

Ring.

[Steve Berg]

The door.

[Natalie]

The door.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One of these companies that does surveillance reached out. I can find it on the email saying if we ever needed products, they could send them. This feels like we need to put a camera in the box and see.

[Jake Johnson]

The old guy you want to get eyes on.

[Natalie]

He did get a reach out from ring, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, because I remember they were reaching out and they were trying to schedule a call, and then I never did it.

[Jake Johnson]

So what. What if we get eyes on him? Then what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I agree that it satisfies this just base curiosity of what are we dealing with?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're driving 35 minutes away to leave this insane question.

[Natalie]

Did we get the actual.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm sorry.

[Nadine]

Yeah, sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do I gain weight so that he wants me?

[Jake Johnson]

Where do I find this woman?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do I gain £150 in two weeks?

[Jake Johnson]

Can I be stretched long?

[Kate]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kate]

I just need this to stop happening because it's kind of. It's kind of creepy and creepy. There's too many kids to Be finding this in my mailbox. You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's exactly right.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, then the ring pitch isn't bad because that shows sort of like, hey, we're keeping an eye on this box a little bit.

[Natalie]

71. He's not even going to know what that is. It's like a little robot in the corner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Kate]

So I mean, my husband and I.

[TT]

Talked about that originally.

[Kate]

Like when the first one came, we're like, should we put a little camera there? But then I'm thinking that might deter people from like taking and leaving a book.

[Natalie]

I don't want children on a little camera as they take little books out of a free library.

[Kate]

That's exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want my kids near that 71 year old weirdo.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want people putting books in my dating box.

[Natalie]

I think we have to nudge him. We have to nudge him to leave the notes elsewhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I think that's exactly right. I think this might have to be. Here's the first beginning of a pitch. A note on top of the thing that says, this is not a dating box. No personal notes. This is a library and not a dating box.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's pretty good for a start. I mean I, I, something like that. Like a box disclaimer that is just like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or put a note that says, There are no 2 to 300 pound white Amazon women here. Stop leaving notes.

[Jake Johnson]

You are looking for a unicorn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your or your queen is not here. Go to a different dating box.

[Kate]

Okay. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Only he would know your queen is not here. Please don't leave any more letters.

[Jake Johnson]

How often is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also don't want him to like.

[Kate]

Come bang on my door and be like, did you leave this note?

[TT]

Or something.

[Kate]

Like, I don't want to communicate with this creepy guy.

[Jake Johnson]

How was this showing up? Like, how often is this happening?

[Kate]

So we've had two so far and I'm just expecting more because they're all written the same way.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Kate]

And so the imagine I want to say was September. I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just imagine this. Some old guy going, I got an idea.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, it's just lunacy.

[Nadine]

I mean, he clearly doesn't have any.

[Kate]

Grandkids to like put him online and get him on a dating app or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I find a queen. Can you bring for a big Amazon woman?

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie, just bring it up, up again. Jake, you can keep talking. I just kind of want to read it again just because it is a shocking.

[Kate]

I thought someone was with me like the first time I got it. Yeah, My husband brought it in, and I was like, no, you wrote this.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Kate]

You wrote this. Like, come on. He was like, no, I swear to God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a little guy.

[Jake Johnson]

He's 5, and he wants a woman who's Catholic, white, 40 to 55, 6 to 65.

[Gareth Reynolds]

65.

[Jake Johnson]

2 to 300 pounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He weighs. He wants a woman. He's 5. 5.

[Kate]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's looking for a 6. 5 woman.

[Jake Johnson]

Look at it again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He weighs a.

[Jake Johnson]

He wants to get dominated in the paint. Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's looking to get.

[Jake Johnson]

He's getting boxed out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He wants to go hiking, camping, get boxed out. Get dominated in the bedroom.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He said, but what does that even mean? 71 looks 60. One says, who feels 51 feels 51 is a really.

[Jake Johnson]

That is by far the weirdest part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. And he loves to play that electric guitar. Let's see the second page. My favorite movies are expeditions in the Amazon jungle with Amazon women and Amazon women bodybuilders who are. Hey, that's a wild line.

[Kate]

I know. At first I thought, this is kind of sweet, sorta. And then I flip it over and it becomes like his kink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what it reminds me of is R. Crumb. Remember that comment?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And all our Crumb liked were these huge Amazon women who had, like, squashed this little creep in between their legs. He's a guy.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what you should do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Leave an R. Chrome comic in there.

[Jake Johnson]

Too vague. I think you'd have to look. There's some with the letter in the comic in. In the back of my mind. Like, we have his number, but we obviously don't want to engage. I think a specific letter to Joe number on the box, that's the. We have his number.

[TT]

Number.

[Natalie]

Are you trying to call him? Gary?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you trying to call him?

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, well, how. How crazy we want to get is. Eric.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eric would. Eric would turn it and go, like, hey, brother, he's a hell of a guy. And then he. He and I would text, fight for a year about. He would go, he's no different than us. He's a good guy. And then I go, eric, you're getting confused.

[Jake Johnson]

Joe's coming to town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not our friend.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna go see ZZ Top.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. He's such a weirdo. You're telling me you don't want to get dominated in the paint? What? Don't even know what we're arguing about.

[Jake Johnson]

Eric, the friending Joe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want you calling him Gareth, okay? Because I don't want him linked to you. I think this guy might be nutty.

[Jake Johnson]

I could star 6, 7. That'll block the number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. Could do it right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do it.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, well, we got to get the sign off. Kate, what do you think?

[Kate]

I mean, if you start with seven, sure. But who knows if he'll even answer?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he might not answer. I can also leave a message.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think leave a message.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to say, hey, Joe, I. You left one of your notes at a place in my neighborhood that I think is a little inappropriate. So I just want to let you know I really hope you find.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do it as an Amazon woman and go. You're 6 foot 5, 300 pounds and you're tired of these notes. If he's looking for, go. You know where to find me. I'm coming for you. Don't leave that house again. Don't you go in another library. I'm coming to your house. Don't you go there again, you little gentle boy.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's you. You do that one. The other thing is we could leave something like at his pla. Like a letter at his place. Just being like, don't do this. With so much information about the guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We could send him an anonymous note.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Saying, I mean, we could catfish him.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no.

[Kate]

Yeah, so my friend already tried that, so that didn't work. Well, she tried to text him and I was like, he's 71. He probably doesn't know how to text.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he feels 51.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I mean, that's true. He looks 60 when he feels 50. When he texts, like a 30 year old.

[Kate]

He made up a whole character. Her name was like Patty or something. And she's a 300. 300 pound woman who likes boating.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm a 300 pound.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And what happened? He didn't write back.

[Kate]

He just never answered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, here's what I. Here's my thought. And Kate, what's your thought? Actually, what do you think is the best movie? Because you've gone down some roads.

[Kate]

Yeah, honestly, I have no idea what to do because after, after the first one, I was like, okay, no response. So hopefully he'll just not do this again. And then he obviously did. So I don't. Honestly, I don't know. That's why I'm calling you guys. I can try the letter at the top of the mailbox or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you know what you could do? You could. What if you laminated the letter and put it on top and said, whoever wrote this, don't do it again. This is not the place for love letters.

[Jake Johnson]

I also think if you just had almost a disclaimer, like a laminated disclaimer on the box that said, go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What if you put in an envelope a note that you taped that said, what's the guy's name again? Joe.

[Kate]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What if you wrote to Joe and he opened it and you said, no bad blood or bad feelings. But this is not the place to look for a date. This is a library for neighborhood kids. Good luck in your search. Maybe check the Internet.

[TT]

Okay, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's not. Yeah, yeah. And then it's. And then if he knocks on your door, you know nothing of it, right?

[Kate]

So hopefully he just takes it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it just goes to Joe and it's, you know, and then it's.

[TT]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Typed up or handwritten, that just says, thank you for your notes. But this is not the place to look for love. This is a book swap.

[Jake Johnson]

How the fuck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you even get book swap is you swap books, you meet women, search for Amazon women, you look for big women.

[Jake Johnson]

I know how these work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're looking for big Amazon women, perhaps you should look online. I'm sure there are sites for that.

[Jake Johnson]

That's where you get books.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But this isn't where that's done.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a love box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All the best. And then write the neighborhood.

[Jake Johnson]

The neighborhood.

[Kate]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think of that?

[Kate]

I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do that. But I still. I still want to hear you call him and pretend to be an Amazon woman.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure, we can do both.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want to do the prank. I don't want to call.

[Jake Johnson]

All right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't need this. We. We had enough nonsense with the Dick Van Dyke stuff. I don't think we need to nonsense you.

[Jake Johnson]

Winning. Winning content and our audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was our lowest rated episode.

[Jake Johnson]

But those who tuned, I'll tell you anecdotally, I hear a lot of.

[Kate]

Now I have to go back and check that one out.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God, you didn't listen, huh?

[Kate]

I don't recognize that one.

[Jake Johnson]

Kate's just. I'll tell you what. Well, it's kind of a Joey. It's kind of a little bit of a Joe ish episode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One question for you, Kate. How did you find this show?

[Kate]

I think my. So when the first episode dropped, my aunt put me onto it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. A while ago.

[Kate]

And. Yeah. And. And then we've been listening to it since, like, we'll just text each other about it and listen to it on our commutes and stuff. But she Actually ended up going to Gareth's stand up in Rhode island, and she bought, like, a bunch of tickets trying to get everybody to go there. But it was like a Thursday night or something in Rhode island, and all of us live near Boston, so nobody went.

[TT]

It was just.

[Kate]

Yeah, I know. It was just her at the table in the front. And I guess you roasted her for, like, 10 minutes.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I kind of remember this a little bit.

[Kate]

Do you really?

[Jake Johnson]

Kind of. Yeah. I remember she was sitting. I think I got her, like, a couple cocktails because she was like, yep, yep, just me. And I was like, you want another drink?

[TT]

Yes.

[Kate]

So I'm so glad you asked me, because she wanted me to bring it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me ask you this very. Just while we're off subject a little bit, Kate, when you got this note, did part of you get happy because you were like, I could call the show?

[Kate]

No, I didn't even think about it until recently. Like, after the second one, I was like, yeah, it's so funny. After the second, I was like, okay.

[TT]

This is so weird.

[Kate]

Like, I really don't know what to do now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kate]

And then it just, like, dawned on me randomly.

[TT]

Oh, my God.

[Kate]

I can call a show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do this. Let's start writing the letter. You got a piece of paper? Let's do it together as a team.

[Natalie]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tell us when you're ready. And then if we pitch something, you don't like it, don't write it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. Push back.

[Kate]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Gr. You want to start us?

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Kate]

Yep, I'm ready.

[Jake Johnson]

Dear Joe, Please stop putting letters in this box. This is a book exchange.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not a love box.

[Kate]

Please stop putting letters in this box. This is a book exchange.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you are looking for love, perhaps check the Internet. There are many sites for that, and.

[Jake Johnson]

You'Ll save money on gas.

[Kate]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But this, underlined, is to exchange books for people who live in this community. Thank you for understanding. Good luck on your search.

[Jake Johnson]

Signed, the community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The community. Or sign the name of your town. Police.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I don't know. I don't think you want police because it then makes. It's already a weird thing to put there. So I think you want to keep it. Just the community makes it feel like it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the. The next one, Kate, we're going. We're contacting the authorities.

[Jake Johnson]

The next one, I think we reach out to Rink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kate]

Yeah. But then I would have to, like, maybe put it on my house just in the general direction of the library.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we can get there next. We'll figure that out next. I think this is going to work because I think he's going to see.

[Jake Johnson]

It and go, okay, I'll tell you what. You want to get crazy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we do.

[Jake Johnson]

We accept options for Joe's date and we reach out to Joe and we set up. We just do one. We don't do a whole thing, but we just see if we get one email.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So let's do this.

[Kate]

Who would actually.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you pull the letter up again? This is for the community. Now, if there's anybody out there that is looking for a single white Catholic man who's 71, he looks 61, but he feels 51. He's 5 foot 5. He weighs 160 pounds. He's gentle, he's peaceful, he's dependable, he's polite. He's honest, devoted, organized, clean, desperate, fair, not greedy. He's not greedy and wasteful. He's very romantic and he's very patient. If you're looking for that and you happen to be a strong, single, white Catholic woman between 40 and 50, you cannot be 51, you cannot be 39. If you are between 5, 6, you must be taller than him. And 6 5, you have to weigh between 200 and 300. If you're 198, don't email in or just email. But I'm not talking about in my boots on 200.

[Jake Johnson]

We need a real. You're a dude. 200.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're 301, you're out. And you need to like hiking, camping, boating on a small, gentle river.

[Jake Johnson]

Grammar is not something that matters to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You need to like boating on small, gentle rivers. And you need to like an old timer who likes to play electric guitar.

[Jake Johnson]

He can do it in his office if that's a problem for you or his house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is in his house.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's bad news.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He does like movies, but that has nothing to do with you. But fine. Who cares what he likes? Now, listen, if you're interested, contact the show. We'll try to hook you up. And if you're interested in being treated.

[Jake Johnson]

Like a queen, J can't stress that enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, if this is you and you're truly interested and you live in the Bridgewater, Massachusetts, can you imagine leaving your.

[Jake Johnson]

Address for this guy? Like, being like, yeah.

[Kate]

Was like, we live in a world where men can, like, literally write this and leave it anywhere and feel perfectly safe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's because he's not right. Let's not lump him into the category. Of just men.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And by the way, if you do reach out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not going in the direction of. We live in a world where men can do this. He is not men. He is Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, if you do reach out to the show, there is a lot of papers we're going to have to go through that you're going to have to sign to agree. We are nowhere near legally involved in your decision to go meet Joe, who, once again, feels 51.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so now, in terms of the letter, Kate, will you read back what we got?

[Kate]

Yep. Dear Joe, please stop putting letters in this box. This is a book exchange. If you are looking for love, perhaps try the Internet, but this is for people who live in this community. Thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think this is for people who live in this community. Underline. Who want to exchange books.

[Kate]

Okay. Who want to exchange books.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because you might go, oh, if I move to the community, can I put a love letter in there? No.

[Jake Johnson]

He moves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, now I live in the community. Is there an Amazon? No. So then, thanks. The neighborhood committee.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I don't hate that.

[Kate]

Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he goes like, there's a gave committee. Oh, how's that sound?

[Kate]

That sounds good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you send us a phone?

[Kate]

Should I put it in an envelope and put his name on it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you should lick it closed. I don't want some random kid opening it. I.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I think. I. I think you should just laminate it and put it on, like, a little above the box, higher up, because I think, like, someone will just take it. Like, if I saw that, I'd be like, I'll take this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why would you steal it?

[Jake Johnson]

Scandalous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're such a. Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

How.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How.

[Jake Johnson]

Excuse me, Kate, Let me talk to Jake for a minute. How dare you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would just steal it.

[Jake Johnson]

How dare.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is.

[Jake Johnson]

There's only two people on the call. Natalie, stay muted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay? Will you. Are you gonna put it above or put it in the envelope? How do you want to do it?

[Kate]

So I'm probably gonna put it inside the library in an envelope, just because the weather. And then hopefully the child doesn't take it. A teenager.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or Gary.

[Kate]

You know, teenager, like Garrett.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't need to take it. I've seen it. I'm happy with where I'm at.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then will you take a photo of the letter and then send us that letter and then take a photo of it in the box, too?

[Kate]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just see what it looks like. I think that'd be fun.

[Jake Johnson]

And Then I mean, we have to have an update as far as if it gets taken.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And if it stops.

[Lex]

Oh, my God.

[Kate]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Kate]

It will definitely update you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And also, if anybody's actually interested, do not email in unless you fit all that stuff. I'm not looking for somebody calling it, like, similar to our dating game where we go, must like golf. And they go like, I've never played golf.

[Jake Johnson]

I like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not looking for just. Yeah, we're looking for. You got to fit all those things if you do and we can get proof of it, man. We'll set you up with Joey. I'll call Joe personally. Hey, big daddy, we found somebody for you. You got to meet in a public park. Meet at a police station.

[Jake Johnson]

There will be a sniper on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kate. Follow up with us. Thank you, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Kate. Yeah, I will.

[Kate]

Thank you. Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye. And we are brought to you by Mint Mobile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

So turn your expensive wireless present into a huge wireless savings future by switching to Mint Shop. Mint unlimited [e-mail] here to help. That's mintmobile.com here to help. This is a limited time only, folks.

[Jake Johnson]

Limited time offer upfront payment of $45 for 3 months, $90 for 6 months or $180 for 12 months. Plan required. $15 a month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only less than 35 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com and we are brought to you by Kachava. I love cachava. I talk about cachava all the time. I drink cachava pretty much every day. It really is the best. I take it on the road with me. It is the best protein powder I've ever had by far. Cachava is a great way to reset and get the nutrition that you need during the holiday season. If you're having one of those days where you feel like, ugh, I like, ate terribly yesterday. Cachava is the best way to just get back on the horse again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Nadine]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome to the show.

[TT]

Thank you. Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I get your name, please?

[TT]

I'm TT say it again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

TT2 capital Ts, TT and TT where are you calling from?

[TT]

I'm in Oakland, California.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice. TT From Oakland. What's your age range? What are we talking about? How old is T.T. we're talking.

[TT]

We're talking 40s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I had a girl, Titi. 40s. Are you from Oakland or did you move to Oakland?

[TT]

I moved to Oakland, but I've been here a long time.

[Nadine]

About 15 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

15. Anyos in Oakland? And where are you from originally?

[TT]

I was born in Sacramento.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, so this is our second Sacramento of the day. And tj, what's your sign?

[TT]

I'm a Libra.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And what does that mean to you?

[TT]

Well, libras are very well balanced. We're the scales. People like us, we're kind of. We're kind of everybody's friends, I would say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool.

[Jake Johnson]

You write that down, Jake?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did. Well balanced scales. Likable scales.

[TT]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, T.G. what can we do for you today? What can we do for you, you well balanced, likable person?

[Nadine]

Well.

[TT]

Actually, that is a good question to ask first, being that I'm well balanced and likable because my brother, my oldest brother, decided it would be hilarious several years ago to start making me homemade weapons for Christmas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus Christ. It's a good thing you're gonna get both sides of this coin.

[TT]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eric Edelstone wants us all to buy illegal switchblades.

[Jake Johnson]

He sent a link.

[TT]

Well, these are homemade. Homemade weapons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do you make a homemade. He's making shit.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is.

[Jake Johnson]

He's making, like, prison contraband.

[TT]

Okay, so the very first one was a Molotov's mocktail. Yeah. What is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dude's a legend.

[Kate]

He's.

[TT]

He's hilarious. And they've gotten more creative over the years. Last year, he made a weapon with, I think it was 50 tuna can. Pop those things. Those suckers are sharp.

[Gareth Reynolds]

DZ, you got any pics of these weapons?

[TT]

I sent one. I sent my favorite one in. He.

[Kate]

He. He made.

[TT]

Well, so this one wasn't exactly made, but he gave me a machete.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure did.

[TT]

But he beaded. He beaded the machete with. With beads that have letters on them. And he put a really pretty scarf on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What does it say?

[TT]

It PT Badass circus chick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This dude's awesome. What's your brother's name?

[TT]

Yeah, Paul.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Paul. You know what this reminds me of? Gareth, my friend Nick Pool, the guy from Win it all with the long black hair. Remember I told you about him? Nick would do something like this where he. You just get weird weapons.

[Jake Johnson]

He wasn't even an actor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

And he's so good. And he's so good in that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so Paul's making you cool weapons for holidays. It just started out of the blue. It's random. But now he's into it. But I gotta say, great idea for gifts. Just weird weapons. Y. I will say the timing is really funny, Eric. Literally, the group text thing with you, me, er, and Gareth has been on fire. Oh, just the four of us have been texting. And lately, Eric has a link to illegal switchblades that he wants us all to buy because if you get stuck in water in your car, you can break yourself out of it. And by the way, that I don't think we should all buy illegal switchblades.

[Jake Johnson]

Especially not for that. The amount of. There's so many commercials where it's like, what if your car went in a river? You'd be like, yeah, it's not ideal. I don't know if it's by a weapon. Not ideal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think I need a knife in my pocket.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think I need to have a knife for a window. But, yeah, he's bragging about these switchblades anyway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But his new nickname is Switchblade. So if anybody sees Eric out on the streets, call him Switchblade. So tt Back to back. Yeah. So Paul sends you weapons and keep going.

[TT]

Well, we open them.

[Kate]

He.

[TT]

It's very important that I open them in front of family.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[TT]

Because that's part of the presentation. He's got to show off his creativity.

[Jake Johnson]

I get that.

[TT]

I get that too. So. So it's a whole thing. Everyone anticipates it every year. And so this year, apparently, he has an idea already. So that's Exciting, I guess, or scary, I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[TT]

But. So my question is, yeah, there's no problem.

[Nadine]

Anything back?

[TT]

There's no problem. That's not a problem. It's not a problem. Although sometimes I do get scared because he gives so much anticipation around what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[TT]

But I've never given him anything back, and he's always kind of like, highlighting his. His weapon. Giving. And I've been thinking about it for a couple years. What could I give him that would rival his creativity? And I have no ideas, so I just haven't. So I would love some ideas for what I could give him. It doesn't necessarily have to be a weapon. In fact, I'd rather it not be because I want to be different, but I have no ideas. So I wondered if you guys had ideas.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you do for work, Titi?

[TT]

Well, I work at an animal shelter. I'm in fundraising, but I'm also an artist.

[Jake Johnson]

Get him a cat every year.

[TT]

He's got plenty of animals. He definitely does not need more animals.

[Natalie]

Wait, T.T. what else do you do?

[TT]

I'm a circus artist.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, well, well, welly well, well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What does that mean, a circus artist?

[TT]

I'm an aerialist, so I do. My specialty is the fabric.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You hang from those fabrics?

[Jake Johnson]

Spins.

[TT]

I do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's cool as hell.

[Jake Johnson]

Glides through the air.

[Kate]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got any video we could watch?

[TT]

Could you get Google tt? If you Google tt. And my last name, which I don't know if I should give you on. On a recording, but I emailed my last name into Google tt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you throw up a quick video with. And then I kind of want to see this. This might inspire the gift. And do you care if we put your video on our social.

[TT]

Oh, please do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Well, my favorite one.

[Natalie]

Your last name, then. If. If I'm showing.

[Steve Berg]

Oh, that's okay.

[Nadine]

I don't mind.

[TT]

I just. I'm not sure what the. I. I've never been on a podcast, so I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no rules. It's the wild.

[TT]

I don't know what's normal?

[Nadine]

Nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no normal. That's the beauty of it. I mean, he's in a hotel in Montana. I'm in my closet.

[Natalie]

I'm going to have to. Give me one second.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just. The reality is madness.

[TT]

You'll see. You'll see a lot of them. But my favorite is the US Aerial Championship one.

[Jake Johnson]

Whoa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You were in the US Championships?

[TT]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Whoa. How'd you do?

[TT]

I won. I'm Proud of that act.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so what do you do? You just go around and you do shows?

[TT]

Not so much anymore, but I. I was a professional for years and years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's cool.

[TT]

So now I just do it as kind of a side. Side thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get a wedding.

[TT]

Yeah, actually, I did a wedding not that long ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, the we're here to help world with my brother officiating. He might be. We might be in talks to be doing a wedding. I think it's in Florida. And if it happens, I might go too. We might see if Gareth wants to come, if Steve and Eric want to show up. Maybe you'll be the entertainment.

[TT]

Sign yet.

[Jake Johnson]

If we start a whole we're here to wed angle of this is just like.

[TT]

Like, it's just like, I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you go out there and you're on swinging on rope burg, getting.

[Jake Johnson]

A red face, lispy toast while we're like, Jesus Christ. Wrap it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You do 15 minutes.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crowd.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Oh, wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's just you. It's two ladies on a hula hoop. What it looks like or a big ring.

[Jake Johnson]

Now you're getting higher.

[Kate]

Oh, you're.

[TT]

They're watching my double. That Jesus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Natalie]

I wanted to share the other one, but YouTube was blocking it, so I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus Christ.

[Andy Roddick]

Wow.

[TT]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is wild. This is a lot of intertwining, spinning, dangerous. What is below you, Annette?

[TT]

I. I'm not sure which one you're watching, but we're watching Gold Edwardian ball. Vadimir Society. Yeah.

[Kate]

There's nothing. There's nothing.

[TT]

There's a floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You ever taken a big fall here?

[TT]

Tt one time? Yes, I did, and it was with the act that you're watching. Actually, that's with my aerial partner, Shredder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[TT]

And yeah, there's a move that's really dangerous that it just didn't go quite right that night.

[Jake Johnson]

It's pretty impressive.

[TT]

That's the only time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it is impressive. Cool. So this is cool. Tz so now we're thinking of a gift of what we could give your brother because he gives you weapons.

[TT]

Yeah. So just to give you a little bit of insight on him, because this also might help you figure something out, is that he is like a huge sports guy. Obviously has a great sense of humor, but he loves sports.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I'll tell you why.

[TT]

But he also loves Lifetime movies, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[TT]

Anyway, I've got a picture, an idea of this guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he's not. He's not doing anything that you like. He's making you weapons, so who cares what he likes? Okay, you're trying to be thoughtful. He gives you a machete. Here's what I. How did you make your uniform? When you would perform.

[Kate]

Kind of piecemealing.

[TT]

It together, I would maybe buy a base and then add. Add things to it. I think I know what you're gonna say. I'm excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I am. I want you to make him an annual uniform. A two piece.

[TT]

Oh, my God, I love this idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So tight little bottoms, tight little top. We go. You gotta admit, your uniform was provocative.

[TT]

Oh, yeah, yeah. And I definitely make him unproductive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get him so a little hugs, the little butt cheeks a little bit. Give it in front of the family. And then say, paul, I would like you to try on your gift.

[Kate]

Oh my God, I love this so much.

[TT]

Why didn't I think of this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He gives you and swords and you give him outfits inspired by your championship performances.

[TT]

Should I, Should I. Should I just actually give him one of my old. Old, you know, something that has.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think he would fit into it.

[Jake Johnson]

No. And I also think you wanted. You want to cater it to him a little bit.

[Kate]

It.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, he's put his favorite team on the back.

[Jake Johnson]

I was gonna say you maybe could make it a little sports themy, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Part of the thing he likes everyone to open. You have to look at the knife. You then do it to him and go, I'd really like you to try it on. He's a funny guy. When you call out a funny guy, it's like, hey, you, Mr. Funny Guy. So go be funny.

[TT]

Yeah, no, he'll. He'll do it too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course he will put it on. And then every year he makes you a weapon and you make him a cute little outfit. And then eventually get him hanging from a rope.

[Kate]

Rope.

[TT]

See that little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But swing around on Christmas.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. This is what we call. This is a one for one. This is a one pitch. We're good to go.

[TT]

A perfect pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

A perfect pitch.

[TT]

Perfect pitch. Home run.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're happy, T?

[Nadine]

I am.

[TT]

I. I'm so excited. I can't wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Follow up with us how the uniform looks. You got to be really discreet and get his sizes.

[TT]

Yeah, I. I could guess. I could guess.

[Jake Johnson]

But also remember, tight is funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. But we also need it to fit so it doesn't go like. It doesn't go above my thighs.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then will you send us the video on Christmas of him trying it on.

[TT]

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll have to let you guys know what I get as a weapon this year, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course. Yeah. But this will be a very good follow up, and it will really end with photos of him or video of him in this cute little outfit.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Maybe dancing a little bit, maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, if you get. And then if you could get them. You know how on the machete he put a little bit of that. The robe, the little rope thing. You could give him a little thing that he could hang on, too.

[TT]

I'll see if I can come up with something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kate]

I don't know.

[TT]

No, this is great. It's gonna be really fun. We haven't decided when we're getting together, but.

[Jake Johnson]

How old is Etta?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He.

[TT]

He's in his 50s.

[Jake Johnson]

This is awesome. He's my older brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's gonna look great.

[Jake Johnson]

This is awesome. Don't be afraid to let it really show everything off like I said.

[TT]

No, of course, if it's an aerialist inspired costume, it has to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I totally agree.

[Andy Roddick]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

There we go.

[Kate]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Titi Jake swished it. We can't wait to see the follow up with your brother. And good luck. Where do you put all the weapons, TT?

[TT]

Oh, well, see, the only one I kept is the machete, which is why I sent that, because I don't. I. I just. I look at it and. And I think. What? I can't. I just can't keep this.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you can't keep a tuna can weapon. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, TT thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Appreciate it.

[Kate]

Thanks so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello. Yo, what's up, Rodick?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Natalie did not tell us what was going on.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, what's happening, big dog?

[Andy Roddick]

What's going down?

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not much. Natalie, do we have a followup on Trash?

[Natalie]

Follow up on Trash Hole.

[Jake Johnson]

You want to talk to what's been going on? Big fan, Andy. Hi.

[Andy Roddick]

Hey, Gareth. Me too, man. Jake, I've been doing nothing except waiting.

[Jake Johnson]

For this, by the way, that athlete mentality.

[Andy Roddick]

Yeah, I can't. I can't get it out of my head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Same. All right, well, let's bring him on.

[Jake Johnson]

That's amazing. I love that you came back so great.

[Kate]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Nadine]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Can we. Can you retell us your name, please? We know this is a follow up.

[Kate]

Yes.

[Nadine]

My name is Nadine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nadine. And we know because Andy Roddick is back for this.

[Kate]

Oh, hell, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We also got Gareth Reynolds now, too. So, Nadine, Gareth threw what? The first problem was what the pitch was, and then we'll get to the follow up.

[Nadine]

Okay, so I was playing, or I tried to play this game called Trash Hole with my fiance where I would just throw the trash off my balcony into the bin, but I sucked at it. And so he told me I couldn't do it because I was making messes. But so we decided to come up with a plan, a contract, and so I could play and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, and what was the contract we came up with?

[Nadine]

So I did change it a little bit. So the contract that we came up with was that I would like practice on my own.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, Nadine. Gareth, will you read with this contract? This is. You made a real contract?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let's just say. Yeah, let's just say it's quite official looking. Okay, quickly. Trash Hole participation agreement. This agreement is entered into by and between Javier plaintiff and Nadine Defendant collectively referred to as the parties. Practice Session 1. A supervised practice consisting of 10 throws will be conducted. 2. Said practice shall utilize bags filled only with non trash items, I. E. Towels, blankets, pillows, etc. 3. The session will be seen and filmed by the plaintiff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Conditions for weekly play. Should the defendant achieve a minimum success rate of 70%, defined as 7 successful throws out of 10 during the practice session, the defendant shall assume both the right and the duty to participate in Trash Hole on a weekly basis, specifically on the evening prior to municipal trash collection day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is great.

[Jake Johnson]

Failure to achieve the 70% benchmark in the initial practice session or failure to successfully execute any future trash hole throws with real trash which results in a mess and or general chaos shall trigger the service obligations outlined in section 3. Yes, section 3. Service obligations. In the event of failure as Defined in Section 2.2, the defendant agrees to provide one of the following services of the plaintiff's choosing in addition to promptly cleaning any resulting messer disorder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, one. Stop. G. Nadine, are you a lawyer?

[Nadine]

No. See, AI is good for like a couple things, right?

[Jake Johnson]

This is worth the water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so here we go. The prizes. 15 minute back massage with complimentary scratch session. Wow. 15 minutes of video gameplay. Game choice to be determined by the plaintiff. With full engagement by the defendant. 30 minutes of Lego building. Oh. With future engagement. With full engagement by the defendant, 30 minutes of YouTube content. Viewing of the plaintiffs choice with full.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The play choice is really funny. My wife had to watch my YouTube videos, pretend to be interested. Shocking. That's tough stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

That is tough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Watching somebody's YouTube videos is the new. Looking at their porn.

[Jake Johnson]

What about watching them build Legos?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, YouTube is worse. What you watch at YouTube at midnight, it's the weirdest stuff, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. In the event, I put a lot.

[Nadine]

Of pressure on myself.

[Jake Johnson]

In the event of failure, as defined in section 2.2 and is briefed in section 3.1, the defendant agrees to promptly and thoroughly clean and dispose of any and all materials included in a potential mess as a result of said failure. Satisfactory cleanup parameters will be determined and agreed upon by the parties in real time per incident, with final approval by the plaintiff. 4.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many pages is this?

[Jake Johnson]

That's a good. Okay, we're all. Definition of Full Engagement, Addendum 1. A full engagement shall be defined as an active participation in the chosen activity without. You go to five.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good, Skip.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, basically, don't use your phone. Don't use your phone and don't be a jerk. Five governing principles.

[Nadine]

Pretty much it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. This agreement, intended to be humorous, binding only in spirit, carried out in good faith by both parties. Both parties acknowledge that the purpose of this agreement is to foster entertainment, household harmony and mutual amusement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Insane. 5 was insane that you guys had to do that. Yeah. So, Nadine, you and Javier both signed this.

[Nadine]

In spirit? I. Like, yeah, sure. Not like, actually, because I don't have a printer, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. But he agreed.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow, what a.

[Andy Roddick]

What a hurdle.

[Nadine]

He agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So wait, you did.

[Andy Roddick]

You did all of those five things and you. You went through all of the stuff that Gareth just talked about, and you. You couldn't get it printed off? Like, that was the barrier to defeat not getting this official.

[Nadine]

I'm 32.

[TT]

I don't have a printer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's crazy.

[Andy Roddick]

Like, wait until she hears, like, you can sign things digitally. Be crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

I can't believe coming up and not knowing about Docusign.

[Andy Roddick]

That's the point.

[Steve Berg]

Okay.

[Nadine]

I just figure, yeah, okay, I will sign it and make it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You guys are both. The point is, you and Javier agree to all this, correct?

[Kate]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then he's on board. What I remember on our last call was there was something about practice. And then, Rod, we were talking about watching video and giving notes or something.

[Andy Roddick]

Yeah, there was a whole weight thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, I.

[Andy Roddick]

We just. We needed you to get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You.

[Andy Roddick]

We needed to streamline her practice organization.

[Jake Johnson]

Right?

[Andy Roddick]

Like, yes. The shapes of the trash.

[Jake Johnson]

How.

[Andy Roddick]

What's an average bag? Like, if we were gonna get serious, let's actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's do it. And so, Nadine, where are we at?

[Nadine]

That part didn't work out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Nadine]

That part didn't work out because if I'm being honest, I just wasn't, like, gonna practice. Trash hole.

[Kate]

But.

[Nadine]

So that's why I changed it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And a professional athlete. This is why Trash Hole gets a bad name.

[Jake Johnson]

Andy's not impressed.

[Nadine]

As it should.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so you're not gonna practice?

[Kate]

So.

[Nadine]

No, the practice was condensed into the 10 practice sessions where he watched. So I just skipped the practice part because I had faith that I could make seven out of ten.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, shit, how'd.

[Nadine]

And I did nine out of ten. I got a 90%.

[Natalie]

Wait, what? The video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, let's see the video.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Natalie.

[Nadine]

He wanted to make it, like, really short because I wasn't. He didn't want to, like, edit the audio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, this is. Cool down. Let's watch the whole thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we'll post this on Instagram.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, first shot. This is great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good technique.

[Nadine]

This was not my idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, but the trash fell over.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. Two out of ten every time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's terrible.

[Nadine]

Okay, that's. That's what I need help with. That's my new problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. These are all misses. These are all misses. Okay, the bin for falls over. It's a mess.

[Jake Johnson]

So she's getting it in, but the bin topples.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is insane. Stop the video. Stop the video. This is madness. Okay, the whole point, Nadine, is not to knock over the bin.

[Nadine]

I know. And so. But I let him decide. I said, do you want these to count as makes or misses? And he said, you know what? It's fine. It's a make. So I made nine out of ten. And I figure I can just move the trash can into the middle.

[TT]

So.

[Andy Roddick]

I mean, the technique is great. Obviously you're one of those athletes that doesn't need practice. I envy you. But you gotta put like a sandbag on the other side of the trash can. This is a very easy fix. So I wish I. I just wish you would have kind of put that thought into it, Nadine, before we went through it, but congrats on your natural athleticism anyways.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but also, Nadine, I gotta say, the whole idea of this is not just to. If you have a trash full of garbage and you throw it in and the bin tips over, that's the worst case scenario. Here, pal. You go. Yeah, it fell over and all the trash went in the driveway, but I made it in. That is a miss from my eyes. Well, 0 for 10.

[Nadine]

I understand. I understand your point of view, but the trash is well tied. I will. I can move the trash can into the middle of the three trash cans so it won't fall over. I think it's bullshit that we get these rinky dink trash cans. Like, why is the recycling and grain one, all big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. But Nadine, my fault.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't blame the sport, Nadine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But Nadine, I just gotta be real here. Javier is being nice. If you're throwing trash in and it's knocking the bin over, that's a miss. The idea is it has to be clean.

[TT]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You missed them all.

[Andy Roddick]

Jake, I kind of slightly disagree with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How come she can.

[Andy Roddick]

If she can get Javier to agree that that's a make, why is she gonna grasp defeated from the jaws of victory?

[Jake Johnson]

It's very true. But it makes me wonder what's going on with Javier. Jake.

[Andy Roddick]

And also, ring the bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I.

[Jake Johnson]

She's not wrong at all. But I mean, does Javier even want to be watched while building Legos? That's my question. But I do think Andy's right. It is a bell ring.

[Nadine]

Point is that I have to help.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I think it's a bell ring. I think she moves it in the middle and it's a bell ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just not there yet. Nadine. So what happened? So you hit. You hit nine out of 10 and then you got a back massage for that effort. This poor man had to rub your back and scratch your back after you knock in the bin over nine times.

[Nadine]

No, my prize is that now I get to play Trash Hole. I don't need a back scratch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I got you. So now he's.

[Nadine]

I mean, I do, but I don't need to put it on contract.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay. So the end is you can play Trash Hole whenever you want.

[Nadine]

Yes, well, on municipal trash days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But, Nadine, what do you think about. And I'm in. I'm with Andy. I'm with Gareth. Ring the bell. But I just had a principle, which is where I live on this show. How do you feel about you throwing it in in the trash bin, falling over in your heart?

[Nadine]

Not great. I don't feel great about it. I really don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But. Because the bin's falling over. So I know you're saying it's tied up tight, but the whole idea is not. If I'm throwing something in the garbage and I go. I'm taking a shortcut.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the bin falls over. Now it's a long cut. Now I need to go down there and pick up the bin and all the trash that fell out.

[Nadine]

No, I don't. He's down there. He.

[Kate]

He.

[Nadine]

He'll do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta talk to Javi. He needs a lawyer. He's getting on this deal. Nadine, you're throwing garbage into a bin. Javier has to go pick up the whole bin and throw the garbage back in. So you get to throw it off a balcony?

[Nadine]

No, the garbage stays in the bin. It doesn't roll out, it just falls over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth, your thoughts?

[Jake Johnson]

I think if she moved. This is what I think. I think if she moves it to the middle and the bin stops falling over, we've got a bell ring. But I do think we probably need to just make sure again by seeing a little bit more evidence. And the idea that you're not going to be watching Javier's YouTube or something like that does feel a little strange to me. There is a flaw in your practice, but I do think after reading all that, you know, this is a bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Andy, your thoughts?

[TT]

Yeah.

[Andy Roddick]

One, I'm happy that you. You're. You're holding. Holding up the moral fiber of. Of this show and really sticking it to trash. All wanting it done the correct way. Jake.

[Steve Berg]

That's.

[Andy Roddick]

That's admirable. Also, are you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are.

[Andy Roddick]

Are you not married? You don't know that. This is obviously just like Javier going, yeah, yeah, honey, you win.

[Jake Johnson]

No problem.

[Andy Roddick]

Is your marriage different technically?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't understand.

[Nadine]

No, technically, we get on our next trash day is. So in two days, we are getting officially married on our trash day. So I'll celebrate with the trash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Congratulations. Wow.

[Nadine]

Okay, so here's here, Jake.

[Kate]

I'll.

[Nadine]

I'll raise. I'll raise you this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Nadine]

If on my wedding day I can make a clean trash hole without the bin falling over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Nadine]

Can I just do it my way?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, but here. But Nadine, here's what it has to be dude, that you. You have to move the. If the bin falls, it's a miss.

[Nadine]

Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because the bin.

[Nadine]

Yeah, I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Falling over.

[Jake Johnson]

The convenience is. The whole point is that it makes your life easier and then it makes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How.

[Kate]

You know what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right.

[Jake Johnson]

You're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whole point is this. I don't have to walk out there. I can throw it. And he's going to. Going, I don't know, honey, it's gonna be more of a mess. And you go, it's not. Trust me. And then you go, I made nine of 10. He goes, you're the best. Then he walks down and picks up the bin and throws the garbage in this.

[Nadine]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This is. The math don't add up.

[Andy Roddick]

This is. This is screaming for an addendum on that. That contract.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I think. I think that's a great. That. What? I know you said you don't do practice. That was practice. On your wedding day is the game.

[Nadine]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we got to do 7 out of 10 with the bin standing. If the bit and however you want to do it. I don't know, put them in the middle, throw a sandbag. That's going to be. I mean, if. But if the middle works, I'm good with it. But if one of the bin falls, Nadine, that's a miss.

[TT]

All right.

[Nadine]

Damn, I knew you were gonna say that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's hard.

[Kate]

All right, then I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you need to practice, then practice. Do you think Andy Roddick became a champion by not practicing?

[Andy Roddick]

Do you think I still lost People, Nadine, that's what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't just go out there and go.

[Nadine]

Exactly.

[Andy Roddick]

I'm. I'm sorry. Wimbledon's not given to me. Can you. Can you get the trash can to stand up, please?

[Jake Johnson]

Nadine, you're exactly as mistimed, I think, but yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Nadine, here's. We're very close to a bell ring. We appreciate the hell out of you. We appreciate the work. Did I just as. What this has turned into is where your coach and as your coach, I think in your heart, you know, you got to give a better effort.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is tough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to know why, Nadian? Because I think you're going to win, but I don't think you've won.

[Nadine]

I think I'm gonna win too, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think you've won yet.

[Nadine]

Okay, so would can like moving that little trash can into the middle, Is that considered cheating?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, there's no cheating here. Why would it be. There's no cheating. Here's what the game is. Can you throw trash from upstairs into the hole and make it easy? I don't care if you cement the goddamn thing to the ground.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't do that, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't do that, because that would make it harder. But the point is, is I need to see video of you throwing it. It going in the trash can. Same. The dream would be if the lid falls too.

[Jake Johnson]

No, come on, stop being greedy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I am getting.

[Jake Johnson]

You want to shut out? Just let her win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but if you. If you. Look, if you get seven out of ten and three times the bin falls over, that's still a win. But if it's six out of 10, then it's a loss. Nadine, right now I saw nine losses.

[Jake Johnson]

What could it take?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did every time. Play the video again.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't play it again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you mind playing it again?

[Nadine]

Don't play it again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we play it again?

[Kate]

Yeah, I can play it again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna watch it again really fast. Keep in mind a fall is a miss. Right? Let's just see what happens. Okay, first throw, Nadine. Cool rocky music. And throw number one. Good technique. And miss. Over ten. Over one. And number two. The throw. She threw it too far again.

[Lex]

Missed.

[Andy Roddick]

It's got to go to the inside. The bin's got to be on the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Inside cuz she's not practicing.

[Jake Johnson]

Andy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Same miss.

[Andy Roddick]

She's just trying to escape by here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Same miss, same miss.

[TT]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Missed.

[Andy Roddick]

It does look really fun. I got to be honest. It looks really fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but it'd be more fun to not miss. Miss this. You miss.

[Nadine]

Be on my side, Nadine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't be. I'm your coach. You missed in the same spot every time.

[Andy Roddick]

Every time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to know why? Because you were throwing it too hard. Move the bin, you got to hit it in the middle. That's a miss. That's a miss.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Andy Roddick]

Or even go full inside. I mean, obviously the. The trajectory, the angle is too extreme. You're just knocking it over every time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then the adjustments you made, Nadine, were nothing, Jake.

[Kate]

Okay?

[Nadine]

It's. I was trying to do it with one hand and then I tried to do with two hands to like guide it more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine somebody shooting a free throw, missing and going, I'm gonna miss 10 times? In the same way.

[Andy Roddick]

Expectations are again.

[Jake Johnson]

That'S tough, but true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got a wedding in two days, kid. I would get out there and practice.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Andy Roddick]

What else?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[TT]

I mean, honestly.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Focus on what matters. Figure out how to toss trash off your patio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's important here, bud.

[Nadine]

I'll get to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna say this, and I mean this. In my heart of hearts, I believe in you. And I really think you could do it.

[Jake Johnson]

You're right there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you showed was not it. And I know you know that.

[Nadine]

I really was hoping you wouldn't call me out, but you're 100% right. I was not happy that that can was falling over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You couldn't believe it, but you did such a great contract that you thought maybe everyone's just going to be positive. What do you think? This is weird. Here to help. And Eric and Steve are going to go.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus. You threw it.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I think. Huge win for you, Nadine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Steve would have said the win of you by simply throwing garbage.

[Kate]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You threw garbage.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a great feeling about you two kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So in closing, Nadine.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Say it again, Andy.

[Andy Roddick]

I just want to hear him say municipal.

[Jake Johnson]

What you need to get is a scanner or a printer. I take this down to your local municipal courthouse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nadine, seven out of ten.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, seven out of ten. Not bad, that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm expecting a lot out of you, and I think you can do it. It's not going to be easy. Maybe the strategy is move it in the middle. If I were you, I would try that before you film it again. Because if it. If you go a little left, you're hitting on the outside. If you hit the outside and it hits the other garbage and the other garbage falls, I don't need to tell you. We both know that's a miss.

[Nadine]

Oh, yeah, no, that's o. Yeah, no, no, that's really bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A miss. A make is you throw it from the balcony, it goes in the garbage. The garbage is stand up. That's a make.

[TT]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

However you need to do that. I would have that organized. I would figure out your throws. You kept throwing it long, kid.

[Nadine]

That's what I thought, but I was scared that if I did it too short, it would just explode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you were long. You were hitting the outside of the box. You got to swish these.

[TT]

All right, that's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let us know.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. Come on. Hold on a minute. This feels like a downer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it is.

[Jake Johnson]

Nadine, you got this.

[Nadine]

Okay. Move the pin to the middle.

[Jake Johnson]

Throw your bouquet like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's do this. We have a professional athlete on the.

[Nadine]

That's what I can do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Andy, do you have any parting advice? This is a big game coming up for her. Gareth and I have never played a big game in our lives. Don't speak to me.

[Andy Roddick]

I'm going to tell you something happen to get to the highest level of threshold. You can't. You can't do that weak stuff and say that you're winning like the game's only going to get better. There are better players out there. Whenever you think you're great at something, just travel a little further, right? See what the rest of the world has to offer. There are people in. In Singapore playing trash hole and not missing. No trash on the ground, Right? You have to want it. You have to stay disciplined. Let's actually get a real win. Let's not just skate by us, all right?

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, boom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because you do have talent, Nadine.

[Andy Roddick]

A lot of talent.

[Jake Johnson]

Now it's time for some.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take it, Nadine. Follow up with us. This next one. And if it's not a win, follow up.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. Also on the wedding list, put a printer. It's just super easy to get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you for the call. Rodic, thanks for being. And Rodick, we're gonna invite you back again for the real.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Andy.

[Andy Roddick]

This is all I like to do.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, Andy.

[Kate]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

That's awesome.

[Lex]

Hello, my name is Lex. I am from Austin, Texas, and I. This might be a hot take. It also might just be a unanimous point of view. But now that we're in the the holiday season, watching a lot of Christmas movies, just got done watching Home Alone for the probably hundredth time. But this time felt a little different because when I saw Harry and Marv, the only two people I saw was Jake and Gary. And I don't know if anybody else can relate. I don't know if anybody else sees those two when they see Harry and Marv, whether it's Jake's accent or Gareth's curly hair. Yeah. And now I can't unsee it. So, like I said, might be a hot take, but I wanted to bring this observation to the table because it's brilliant. Merry Christmas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] to see our entire catalog.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller, theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Steve Berg]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.

[Nicole Byer]

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends. Yeah, we talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to best friends on Spotify. Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm really sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The support.

[Nicole Byer]

I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But I was like, I don't know. Reading seems pretty hard right now.

[Lex]

It's a lot.

[Kate]

I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You did good.

[Nicole Byer]

Thank you so much.

[Kate]

You're welcome.