241: Get His A** UP & Soup To Go (with Dakota Fanning)

Summary

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We're Here to Help – Episode 241: "Get His A** UP & Soup To Go" (with Dakota Fanning)

Date: December 17, 2025
Host(s): Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Dakota Fanning

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Episode Overview

This episode features actor Dakota Fanning joining hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds for two lively advice sessions with callers. The group grapples with practical relationship and life conundrums: a partner’s infuriating snooze-button habit and a pregnant woman’s quest for impossible-to-take-home French onion soup. Along the way, they share film set stories, riff on the quirks of restaurant policies, and treat listeners to their trademark blend of earnest advice and sharp, absurdist humor.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Welcoming Dakota Fanning & Indie Film Tales

• [01:00–08:10]

  • Jake introduces Dakota as a friend and collaborator, bantering about recent and upcoming film projects, including working with indie financier “Danny J.”
  • Lighthearted recollections of filming in Alaska with Joe Swanberg, stories about working (and being slightly out-of-focus) in films, and the dynamic of actor siblings on set.
  • Memorable story: Dan’s mad dash to ride a mechanical bull in an empty Anchorage bar, culminating with jokes about fame and bull-riding videos.

  Quote:

  "There's no getting rid of them, is there? Get out of this photo shoot, bitch."
  —Jake Johnson to Dakota, joking about siblings, [05:38]

2. Dakota’s Recent Work

• [08:13–09:00]
  • Dakota shares news about her upcoming series "All Her Fault," shot in Melbourne, Australia, with Sarah Snook, Jake Lacy, and Michael Peña.
  • She expresses excitement about the cast and the project’s mysterious tone.

3. Caller #1: Ronnie and the Revenge of the Snooze Alarm

• [13:00–38:56]
  • Setup: Ronnie (Canadian in London, originally from Yukon) describes her husband’s endless 5am snooze-button ritual, keeping her awake for hours and ruining her sleep. She seeks advice on stopping him.
  • Dakota’s Perspective: Admits to her own “optimistic alarm setting,” sympathizing with both sides, and confesses, "I like the feeling of waking up and knowing it’s not quite time yet." [20:00]
  • Hosts’ Approaches:
    • Jake’s Pitch: Go “full crazy” one night—start snoozing her own alarm from 1am to 7am to mirror the experience back to her husband. [21:58]
    • Dakota’s Pitch: More measured—start at 4am, systematically escalate if needed. "He just has to stop doing it." [21:43]
    • Dan’s Pitch: Next time he snoozes, force him up: "Lights on, covers off, glass of water to the face if necessary!" [24:02]
    • Escalation Option: Use an air horn at 5am or play a stern recorded message from Dakota.
  • Acting Out Scenarios: The crew role-plays wake-up confrontations, culminating in Dakota recording a "get your ass up" message for Ronnie to use.
  • Resolution & Tone: Dakota advocates for directness: "You have to get a little aggressive... you mean business here." [34:03]
  • Notable Plan: Dakota records for Ronnie:

    "Brian, this is Dakota Fanning. Wake the fuck up at 5 or stop setting your alarm for 5. Ronnie is over this shit and it’s a problem. Wake up at 5 or set your alarm for 7. Thank you." [37:15]

  • Follow-up Promise: Ronnie vows to try the advice (“military-style wake-up” or recorded Dakota alarm), and will report back on the outcome.

4. Caller #2: Bethany vs. The Soup Integrity Doctrine

• [39:15–60:50]
  • Setup: Bethany, a pregnant Chicagoan, craves her favorite neighborhood French onion soup, but the restaurant refuses to offer it to-go, citing “integrity of the soup.” Desperate, she seeks a workaround.
  • Group’s Reactions:
    • Jake: Outraged at policy—"Once you buy something... it’s not up to them. They've sold it!" [43:13]
    • Dakota: Validates Bethany’s frustration and pitches a loophole: "Sit down like you’re going to eat it, bring your own to-go containers, and transfer the soup yourself. Make eye contact with the rule-enforcer!" [46:16, 54:54]
    • Dan: Offers to go in-person, schmooze or “bribe” the staff, and secure a special dispensation (though with a comedic, over-the-top threat of public health inspection).
  • Role-Playing and Solutions: Dakota takes on the restaurant owner’s persona, stonewalling Dan’s request, underscoring the futility of negotiation—but her “bring your own Tupperware and stare them down” solution remains the top pick.
  • Signature Advice:

    "There's no cut. They cannot tell you that you cannot bring your own glassware... they can’t tell you that, Bethany, are you willing to do it?"
    —Dakota Fanning, [57:36]

  • Alternative Suggestions:
    • “Healthy, friendly bribe” to the kitchen—perhaps a bottle of whiskey (Jesse/Jake)
    • Express extreme pregnancy woes to guilt restaurant staff into relenting (Jake)
    • Get Dan (the “Big Cat”) to personally intervene if other tactics fail
  • Bethany's Choice: Prefers to try the bribe/diplomatic route via her husband, aiming for a long-term solution.

5. Closing Banter and Promises of Follow-ups

• Both Ronnie and Bethany commit to trying the advice and following up with the show.
• Jake, Dan, and Dakota sign off with warmth, anticipating a return episode and more press for their Alaska movie.
• Listeners are encouraged to send in updates and new questions.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the universal pain of the snooze alarm:

  "It’s almost every day... this is fucking madness. Are you kidding me?"
  —Jake Johnson reacting to Dakota’s habit, [19:54]

• On taking back control:

  "Lights on, covers off. This is what you're doing to me every single morning. Stop."
  —Dakota Fanning’s proposed script for Ronnie, [32:58]

• On soup integrity:

  "We don’t serve ketchup here. Why? Because we’re adorable."
  —Jake Johnson on restaurant’s policy, [52:02]

• On looped alarm vengeance:

  "Natalie, when we sent it, could you put that [Dakota wakeup message] on a loop so it just keeps going over and over."
  —Jake Johnson, [37:44]

• On hosts’ chemistry:

  "Do you notice how quickly Dan and I agreed and we dropped all the other stuff and... your tone is more a little bit quieter."
  —Jake Johnson observing Dakota’s no-nonsense clarity, [33:34]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | Welcoming Dakota & Alaska bull tales | 01:00–08:10 | | Dakota talks about "All Her Fault" | 08:13–09:00 | | Caller #1: Ronnie vs. Brian’s Snooze Alarm | | | – Ronnie introduces problem | 13:00 | | – Dakota’s confessions | 17:00 | | – Advice pitches escalation | 21:43–25:14 | | – Acting out confrontations | 29:34–37:15 | | – Dakota’s “wake up” recording | 37:15–38:03 | | Caller #2: Bethany & Soup To Go | | | – Bethany presents dilemma | 41:39 | | – Hosts pitch solutions | 46:07–58:14 | | – Role-play w/ Dakota as owner | 52:22–54:45 | | – Bethany chooses strategy | 59:34–60:10 | | Sign off/Call for listener follow-ups | 60:50–61:17 |

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Episode Tone and Language

The episode is informal, quick-witted, and deliberately silly at times, with the hosts and guest never hesitating to riff, role-play, or get outrageous for the sake of entertainment. Dakota Fanning’s sincerity and playfulness blend seamlessly with the hosts’ irreverent style, especially when she lays down direct, “enough is enough” advice or gamely plays along in comedic scenarios. The spirit is supportive—even when the solutions are tongue-in-cheek.

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Final Thoughts

Those who missed this episode will appreciate the mix of genuine, if unconventional, problem-solving and the comedic rapport among the cast. Whether it’s dealing with a sleep-disturbing partner or crusading for righteous soup access, the show’s takeaway is clear: sometimes the most satisfying answer is direct, a little petty, and, when possible, accompanied by a friend (or Dakota Fanning herself) backing you up.

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To Call In:
Email your question to [e-mail].

Bonus Quote for Posterity:

"It’s salmon season and I’m the grizzly. Get out of the river."
—Jake Johnson, imagining Ronnie’s revenge wakeup line, [27:55]

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Transcript

[Dan]

Quick.

[Jake Johnson]

Choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its.

[Ronnie]

Own small fries, drink and four piece of McNuggets. There's actually no rush.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary.

[Dan]

Not Valver McDelivery.

[Natalie]

Hey, we're Heredos. The Steve Berg 2026 calendar is here. Well, almost. It will be available for order on December 3rd at 12:00pm Eastern Standard Time. We are doing a limited run of 500 calendars, so get yours while you can. All orders will ship December 9th, just in time for the holidays. Visit www.heretohelppod.com to.

[Jake Johnson]

So we are here today with a new friend of mine. I would say a good friend.

[Dakota Fanning]

I would too.

[Jake Johnson]

Dakota fan is joining the pod. We are also here with one of the biggest indie financiers in the game, somebody who Dakota Fanon has been a fan of of years.

[Dakota Fanning]

Long time.

[Jake Johnson]

When Danny J. Came to Alaska. I've never seen her so girlish and nervous. Dakota, is this wrong? Am I making things up?

[Dan]

Not at all.

[Dakota Fanning]

I was starstruck.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Dan]

It's exciting for you and I'm delighted to meet another fan, Dakota. It's great.

[Dakota Fanning]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being so nice to me.

[Dan]

Well, you know, I like to put people at ease.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah, you did.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you remember, Dakota, you did a scene with the great Danny J. AKA my brother.

[Dan]

I did.

[Jake Johnson]

Dakota and I did a movie together. A Joe Swanberg movie that. First of all, we both just watched your thoughts on the movie, Dakota.

[Dakota Fanning]

Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with it. I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

So good, right?

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah, I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

Same. Joe's been working his ass off.

[Dakota Fanning]

I know. I can't wait.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a really good movie.

[Dakota Fanning]

And. And Dan did make it in the cut.

[Jake Johnson]

Did I? Yeah. And. Yeah.

[Dan]

Well, Dakota, yes, I would. I did want to.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan and Danny J. Let's let Dakota speak for once.

[Dan]

That's fine. I would just want to note steamroller for the. That my invitation to the screening got in my spam folder or something. But the executive producer wasn't in that zoom screening, so I just wanted to note it was a bit of a.

[Dakota Fanning]

Fail, Jake, I have to say, because I've watched it twice.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Dakota, thank you.

[Dakota Fanning]

I watched it. I watched it twice. And the first time I had forgotten. Dan, about your moment. The first time I watched it. But I thought in my mind, whoa, what did that guy just say? Like in that scene? But it didn't clock. And then the second time, it was Danny J. Yeah. And then the second time I watched it, I was like, oh, my God, Stani Jay, that's awesome.

[Dan]

It was great working with you.

[Jake Johnson]

Dakota, before you steamroll, is one of our greatest actors. I'm excited to hear her thoughts. When you did realize the second time because his character is slightly out of focus. Well, Joe did not. Nobody pulled focus to him. Danny, you have not seen it yet. Your character is slightly out of focus.

[Dan]

Well, that's because I wanted to play it that way because the great actors as Dakota and I talked about when we did our scene together on a movie set as two actor to actor, as we discussed, sometimes you are the foreground and sometimes you're the frame and you're like, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

When we did also actor to actor, when you and I did Easy together, Dan said to Joe, should I look at the camera? And Joe had a great laugh and said, no, look at your brother in the scene. And then Dan goes, how do you do this and not just look at the camera? The thing is like six inches from this. I guess practice. He's like, it's crazy. Shouldn't we just be looking at it? Nah, Nah.

[Dan]

I will say the great Joe Swanberg did tell me after my almost award winning scene in Easy when I played your brother Jake, he said, hey, you.

[Jake Johnson]

Played my brother Danny L. I did, yes.

[Dan]

Yes. Danny L was a butcher. And I brought a lot of, you know, visceral feeling to that butcher role.

[Jake Johnson]

But.

[Dan]

But he did say with all sincerity, hey, the guy can act.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Well, also, this isn't about you. It's about our guest Dakota.

[Dan]

And you know what?

[Jake Johnson]

I think our audience will be more excited to hear about. Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure.

[Jesse]

I just wish.

[Jake Johnson]

Compliment.

[Dan]

I'm already finished. But I'm just going to tell you, my point is that when the great director Joe Swanberg said that, hey, you can act, I said, you know what? I think it's time for me to be an independent film financier. Thanks, Joe Swanberg. Okay, shut up.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Dakota, obviously we will do another one of these when our little movie comes. And unfortunately for you, Danny J. Will be part of all the press in the festival.

[Jesse]

Everything.

[Dan]

100%. 100%.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. As you know, because you're very close with your sister. We've discussed.

[Dakota Fanning]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

There's no getting rid of them, is there? Get out of this photo shoot, bitch.

[Dan]

I'm ready to get out of here.

[Dakota Fanning]

We should tell. Or maybe we save it. I don't know. But the riding the bull story.

[Jake Johnson]

Please take over.

[Dakota Fanning]

Dan. You had, like. You had to be on the airplane in like, 18 minutes.

[Dan]

I was pushing it.

[Dakota Fanning]

We had finished working. It never gets dark in Anchorage Alask, as we know.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Dakota Fanning]

And so we went and were. Everyone was meeting at this bar after work. Like, you know, I think it was a Friday. And you were leaving. You had 18 minutes to get to. On the flight. And the bull. There was a, like, you know, to ride the bull in the middle of this bar, but it was down. It was off. Like, the inflatable thing was not pumped up.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It was like 10 people in the whole bar.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah. It was a huge place, but no one was there. We were. We were. For the 10 people. Like, plus Joe.

[Ronnie]

Yes.

[Dakota Fanning]

And Dan's like, I think I gotta think. I'm gonna ride that bull. And Jake is like, no. Like, it's off. Like, no, you gotta go. Get out of here.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, no, you've already said your goodbyes. I did.

[Dan]

I have.

[Dakota Fanning]

In the two minutes of lingering between the goodbyes and Dan getting in the car to go to the airport.

[Ronnie]

It starts.

[Dakota Fanning]

The bull starts to inflate.

[Dan]

Crazy.

[Dakota Fanning]

We didn't ask for that to happen. It happened on its own. And so Dan got his wish of riding the bull with.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you ever ride that bull?

[Natalie]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, no. I know. I didn't either.

[Dakota Fanning]

I wanted to so bad because I wanted to so badly, but I didn't want to do it in a bar full of people.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I understand.

[Dakota Fanning]

Because I felt like there would be, like, a lot of videos of me riding the bull, and I just didn't think. I just, like, didn't think that's something that I needed to happen.

[Jake Johnson]

I had to deal with that. Similar.

[Dan]

Yeah, it went very. A lot of videos. I'm like, oh, guys, enough. I know you're excited to see one of the biggest indie film financiers in the game, and I. Anchorage. But put the phones away, guys. Be cool. But it's fine. You know, I dealt with it.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan, you literally did the opposite and yelled, anybody want to this?

[Dan]

I don't remember that part. The real.

[Jake Johnson]

The real star is here.

[Dan]

That's weird. I don't remember that at all. Weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Back to the great Dakota. Back to the great Dakota.

[Dan]

Why am I on here? Why am I here?

[Jake Johnson]

To steamroll Dakota really quickly. What is this other show that you've cheated on our Alaska movie with?

[Dakota Fanning]

In another place, starting with an A. Filmed it In Australia. Melbourne, Australia. It's called All Her Fault. It's with Sarah Snook and Jake Lacy and Michael Pena and Abby Elliott and great cast.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you. This is the one you were telling me about. Yes, yes.

[Dakota Fanning]

And I was so excited to work with Sarah. That was really a big draw for me and little bit of a mystery element. And it was really, yeah, really fun to work with such a great cast.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, totally.

[Natalie]

It's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

So everybody check it out and let's take some calls.

[Dakota Fanning]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Jesse]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jesse]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jesse]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jesse]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jesse]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jesse]

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[Jake Johnson]

15% off can we get your name please?

[Ronnie]

Hi, yeah, this is Veronica. You can call me Ronnie.

[Jake Johnson]

Ronnie. Call you Ronnie. Ronnie Love Ronnie. That's cool as hell.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Home run.

[Jake Johnson]

I love. I love calling somebody by a nickname like that. Who's a Veronica.

[Dan]

Yeah, it's like Ronnie.

[Ronnie]

Good. I'm glad you like it.

[Dan]

Like the 80s show sisters go on.

[Jake Johnson]

How so?

[Ronnie]

I haven't seen it. I haven't seen that.

[Jake Johnson]

Unfortunately, Ronnie, nobody has I'm not even sure it's a real show. This is Danny J. Logic at its core.

[Dan]

Sisters was a great show. It defined a lot of the late 80s, I'm sure. Ronnie, you're in your 30s. That's understandable. But you may want to check it out when you get some time on Peacock.

[Jake Johnson]

Delete all of this. Ronnie, can we get your age and where you're calling from?

[Ronnie]

Yeah, I'm 34. I'm Canadian originally, but I live in London now, so that's where I'm calling from.

[Jake Johnson]

London is called anywhere near Alaska, east or west.

[Ronnie]

I. I was like, yes. Actually, I was born and raised in the Yukon, which is right next door to Alaska.

[Dan]

Oh, perfect.

[Ronnie]

Did you random that? You've asked that?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. It is real. Well, not random for us.

[Dakota Fanning]

Not for us.

[Dan]

We're in Alaska.

[Jake Johnson]

You are here with my brother, Danny J. And you are here with the great Dakota Fanning.

[Dan]

True story.

[Ronnie]

Oh, nice.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

Nice roster today.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you got a nice roster here. And all of us spend some time up in Alaska. And our big takeaway is we love it, but it's different up there. Your thoughts, Ronnie?

[Ronnie]

It is different up there. I moved away when I was 13. That so it was too different.

[Jake Johnson]

It's different.

[Ronnie]

We moved to British Columbia. Yeah, it was. It was very isolated and weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Weird wild living feels.

[Dakota Fanning]

Twin pixie wild life.

[Jake Johnson]

Wild. Yeah. All right. All right, Ronnie, you get it. We get it. We had all just chat about Alaska for a while here if we wanted to, but.

[Dan]

Okay, what's going.

[Jake Johnson]

No one's asking you, Dan. We want Dakota to talk more. You laugh.

[Dan]

Absolutely. But because you refused to let her.

[Jake Johnson]

Speak, I had to, like, open the door. I'm like, okay, let's talk about Alaska.

[Dan]

Dakota, what's up?

[Dakota Fanning]

No, he said, let's stop talking about Alaska.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Dakota.

[Dan]

I saw him say that. I felt bad for you because obviously you guys shot a movie in Alaska.

[Jake Johnson]

You've got a lot in common with Ronnie.

[Dakota Fanning]

Doesn't give a shit.

[Jake Johnson]

No. Thank you, Dakota.

[Nicole Byer]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

W. Head to Dakota.

[Dakota Fanning]

Sorry, Dan.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Ronnie, back to you. Give us the setup, Give us the problem. What's happening? And take your time, and if we interrupt, just go back in it and steamroll.

[Ronnie]

All right, Sounds good. Okay. All right. So my husband has been doing something for a while that has been really winding me up, and I don't know how to fix it. So hopefully you guys can help. Basically, Brian, my husband, he's optimistically setting his alarm clock to go off at 5am every morning in the Hopes he'll get to work early, beat traffic, be productive, that sort of thing. But he rarely gets up at that time, and instead he's hitting the snooze button on the clock for an hour or two every time it goes off. So this obviously fills me with rage because he will carry on sleeping through while hitting snooze. But the clock is going off like seven minutes from 5am Keeping me awake, nightmare, sometimes the whole time, until my own alarm goes off at 7.

[Jake Johnson]

But you've been off since 5am yeah.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, exactly. I'm getting two hours less sleep than I need. Sleepy as hell at my own job for pretty much the whole day. So the question is, how do I curb his 5am alarm clock habit? And I have told him several times. He's very apologetic, but it hasn't been enough to get him to sort of. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What does that even mean?

[Dakota Fanning]

I do this. I do.

[Jake Johnson]

You do.

[Dakota Fanning]

You do this.

[Dan]

True confessions. True confessions.

[Jake Johnson]

Dakota, what are you talking about?

[Dan]

Here we go.

[Dakota Fanning]

I do this. It's not 5am but optimistic, alarm setting. I do. I do do this. And every single morning. It doesn't work.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Dakota Fanning]

And so I feel. I get it. I get it from his perspective. He wants it to work so badly.

[Jesse]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Okay, that's it. That's it.

[Dan]

I've gotta.

[Jake Johnson]

We have.

[Dan]

Dakota, you are.

[Jake Johnson]

Brian, stand. Shut up. She's talking.

[Dan]

She is. Brian. She's in his head. We have a gift.

[Dakota Fanning]

I know. I fear that it's pretty black and white that he just has to stop doing it, but it's really hard because I know what he's going through.

[Ronnie]

How do we get him to.

[Jake Johnson]

We're going to get him to for sure.

[Ronnie]

I told you.

[Jake Johnson]

This is insane.

[Ronnie]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Dakota Fanning]

What is his reasoning for continuing to do it?

[Jake Johnson]

Beat traffic?

[Dakota Fanning]

Well, he's.

[Ronnie]

I mean, the last few years, he's gotten into a management position. I think he's just very keen. Wants to get to work early, get stuff done, and, you know, he's very optimistic, but rarely. I mean, he does sometimes get up at that time, but usually it's a snooze situation for a good amount of time.

[Jake Johnson]

Snoozes from 5 to 7.

[Ronnie]

Oh, it could be like. It. It literally could be for like an hour or two. Like, he will sometimes not get up till seven.

[Dan]

That's like 14, 16 snoozes.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, exactly. Every. I swear, it's like every seven, eight, nine minutes, something like that.

[Dan]

Dakota, how many snoozes? Oh, God.

[Dakota Fanning]

I mean, it could be. It's usually from like 8 to 9:30 for me.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow, that's not too bad.

[Dan]

I appreciate it.

[Ronnie]

That's like a decent time.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Dan]

That's.

[Dakota Fanning]

If I don't have. Let me tell you, if I don't have anything real to do if. For work, for. If I know that I have, you know, something in the. I'm away, I'm never late. You know, I'm always early, I'm always on time. But this is just a day where, like, I got Pilates at 10 and that's it. So, you know, should I wake up earlier at 9:30? I could wake up at 9:30 for pilates. At 10 down the street, I could. Yeah, I'd like to wake up, make my coffee, not be rushed with, you know, feeding my dog, taking my dog out. I'd like to do that. But the reality is I don't have to do that and I know it. So I snooze until 9:30.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, I got a real question for you, Dakota. And this might help, Ronnie, with your husband. How many times a week? And I'm not including when you're working.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

How often are you doing this snooze routine for your 10 o' clock Pilates? Are you a once a weeker or is this every day?

[Dakota Fanning]

It's almost every day.

[Jake Johnson]

This is fucking madness. Are you kidding me?

[Dan]

How about it? How about it?

[Jake Johnson]

This is wild that you're on this call because.

[Dakota Fanning]

Also.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I can't relate to this at all.

[Dakota Fanning]

I know. I know. The other. The other thing. I wonder if this is a factor for Brian because it's also a factor for me that I like the feeling of waking up and the alarm going off and knowing that it's not quite time to get up yet, that it's okay if I go back to sleep. Does that make sense?

[Dan]

It does.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Dan]

But you are Brian. And this is the only way we'll cry.

[Dakota Fanning]

I'm Brian. I know, but I know how annoying it is. I really do.

[Jake Johnson]

But I get what you're saying. It does make sense to me. I remember when I'd wake up for school and then all of a sudden you find out it's a snow day.

[Dakota Fanning]

Or waking up at like 4am and being like, what time is it? And being like, oh, I don't have to wake up.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God, it's four.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah, it's the best.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you the nightmare of that, and this has been happening to me with this New York job where I'm going back and forth too much, is my times are all weird. So I'll be like, all right, I have a 5:30am Wake up, it's 11:00pm now, if I fall asleep now, I can get enough sleep. I fall asleep. I go like. I fell asleep perfectly. I wake up, I feel fully rested. It's 1:15 in the morning. Oh, no.

[Dakota Fanning]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like, might as well have coffee goofy, because you're up, right? And that's a nightmare. So this is the thing.

[Dakota Fanning]

I can do this because I'm single, so I'm not bothering anybody. I can do whatever the I want. Brian is not.

[Jake Johnson]

That's some rock and roll James Dean vibes, right?

[Dakota Fanning]

I can suck and set my. I can snooze my alarm all night if I want to. Tell me anything. But Brian's not. So I think this is a. I think. I think it's full stop. He just has to stop doing it. How?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know, Ronnie. How about this? How about this? I got a pitch.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Set your alarm for 1am and snooze from. Take one day where you're going to be really tired. You were okay, like, let's go to crazy town.

[Ronnie]

I was going to say being crazy. Let's see how crazy.

[Dakota Fanning]

I was going to say, start setting yours at 4am and do like a week of. And he's like, white's four. And you're like, hello, this is what's been going on.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm optimistic.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ronnie]

I could suffer for a few days.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah, a few days.

[Jake Johnson]

You're suffering right now too much. If you start setting that alarm for literally 1am and you snooze from 1 until 7, he's gonna look at you like you're insane. And you go, why don't you look in the mirror, babe? This is what I live with. You want five to seven?

[Ronnie]

No, that's a good one.

[Jake Johnson]

I want one to five. Or we both just set the alarm for when we need to wake up like civilized people. I'm 100% on something here, okay? I. I think we could round about this a lot. I think you're gonna have to bite the bullet. And I think you gotta spend a week of your life really tired. And I think tonight, set your alarm for 1am and every 15 minutes, snooze. And when he gets mad at you, go, how could you get mad at this?

[Dakota Fanning]

But I think you should do four. I think you should do less extreme than one. I think you should do four and.

[Jake Johnson]

Just start an hour to one.

[Ronnie]

If it's not exactly.

[Dakota Fanning]

You could work back. You could work back an hour.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Dakota Fanning]

But I say start at four.

[Jake Johnson]

How about start at three? And here's why.

[Dan]

Jeez.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'm just pitching. Here's why. Because he falls right back asleep from five to seven and sleeps great. So four to seven, he'll be like this. What happened? And then, whatever.

[Dakota Fanning]

True.

[Jake Johnson]

Ronnie's gonna be insane.

[Dan]

True.

[Jake Johnson]

We need to worry.

[Ronnie]

I do worry. It won't even wake him.

[Dan]

Okay, I got a different pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Go.

[Dan]

So tomorrow it's 5am Right? Oh, now, I'm so sorry. You're. You pivot instead of just sort of like, oh, you're so annoying, Brian. You say. And you're awake, and you force him to get up.

[Jake Johnson]

I like this. You toss the covers off.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yes. Yes.

[Dan]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

You're like, I was just about to say something.

[Dakota Fanning]

Lights on.

[Dan]

Yes.

[Ronnie]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

How about even this? How about this? Rather than lights on. We're up. Have a glass of water. 5:00am right in his face. Yes.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You go back to bed.

[Jesse]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Throw water on him. Kick his ass.

[Natalie]

Go.

[Jake Johnson]

Get out of the room. I'm going back to bed.

[Dan]

You're welcome. You're welcome.

[Jake Johnson]

Make his dreams come true.

[Dakota Fanning]

Your glass of water. And you just pivot to a spray bottle so it's not so messy in the bed. I mean.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this, Ronnie? And I'm not making a joke here. An air horn. Yeah. So 5aM it goes beep, beep. You turn it off. You get one of those little air horns that fit in your hand, put it right by his face and just go. He will pop out of bed.

[Dakota Fanning]

Oh, yeah.

[Ronnie]

And then you go like, I'm not sleeping. He's not sleeping. Got you.

[Jake Johnson]

And then once he jumps, he's like, Jesus Christ. You go, you made it. It's five. Yeah. Good night. I'm going back to bed till seven because I'm not a maniac. The blanket over yourself. Let him live in hell. And then he'll go, I'm so tired. Why? Because you set an alarm two hours early?

[Ronnie]

Yeah, I think I got him up the time he wanted to get up, so he should be thanking me.

[Dan]

Really, he's very.

[Jake Johnson]

What you got to do is he's writing a check and you got to cash it for him.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, exactly. Now, that's a good idea, Ronnie.

[Jake Johnson]

Tell us what you're gonna do, because this is it. But how are you gonna do it tonight?

[Ronnie]

I've got a few different options. And I do have to do it tonight because he will do this on a Saturday morning as well. So that's rude.

[Dan]

That's atrocious.

[Ronnie]

Because he sets it well. It's not intentional. It's always there. So it will carry on on a Saturday as well?

[Jesse]

No.

[Ronnie]

So I will test this out and I could start with. I could sort of work my way up. If the 1am or the 3am snooze thing that I'm doing isn't helping, then I could escalate into the more sort of dramatic way.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, so you're. You're gonna. So, Ron, just to be clear.

[Dan]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're starting with the 1am you're not starting with the crazy 5am get him up.

[Dan]

I'd flick that, I suppose.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, I think so. To be fair, I don't think the one. I think he'll probably. He's quite a good sleeper. He probably wouldn't even wake up with. With the snoozes that I do from one or three or whatever time. I could try it. If that's not working.

[Jake Johnson]

Go abort that.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Okay.

[Bethany]

Okay.

[Dan]

Go direct.

[Jake Johnson]

Get his ass up at 5am I think.

[Dakota Fanning]

Get his ass up the first time it goes off.

[Ronnie]

I'll do it in the morning.

[Dakota Fanning]

But it's Saturday morning. So she's gonna be testing this on a Saturday. That's really gonna make a point.

[Jake Johnson]

But perfect. Yes, perfect. Get your ass up.

[Ronnie]

I'll just do a big. I'll do a pint of water then by the bedside table. Just chuck it on him and record it, will you.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you do us a favor?

[Dakota Fanning]

Turn the 5am alarm off on the weekend.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not like.

[Dakota Fanning]

Of course you don't have.

[Ronnie]

Of course you can. Can.

[Jake Johnson]

He doesn't want to.

[Dan]

What's wrong with you?

[Jake Johnson]

Brian?

[Ronnie]

So he's a nightmare, isn't he?

[Jake Johnson]

Brian, this is for real now.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is what you need to do tonight. And I think it's a little extreme, but it will work. Yeah. A big cup of water at 5am Turn your phone on, record you throwing the water in his face when he jumps up, startled, go, congratulations, you're up. Or.

[Dan]

Or jumping on his face, you look right in the ph and say, we're here to help Brian.

[Jake Johnson]

Or when you throw his face into the camera and go, it's salmon season, I'm the grizzly.

[Ronnie]

Did you say it's salmon season? Is that what you said?

[Jake Johnson]

It's salmon season and I'm the grizzly. Get out of the river. Okay, this is how we do it.

[Ronnie]

You tied it right back around to the. Yeah, yeah. You cut it right back around to The Alaska vibe. I like that.

[Jake Johnson]

This is how we do it in the Yukon. It's salmon season. You're a salmon, I'm a grizzly. Get out of the river.

[Ronnie]

It's 5am okay.

[Jake Johnson]

But more than anything, Ronnie, I really want if you're willing to film this interaction because I want to see how he reacts to being woken up at 5am because his alarm went.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And you know, I'm a light sleeper too, Ronnie, and it takes me forever to fall asleep.

[Ronnie]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So let him know this is how it feels when that alarm goes off for you. You're not doing anything wrong.

[Ronnie]

I think extreme. Great idea.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Tonight.

[Ronnie]

Could it end in divorce?

[Dakota Fanning]

Who knows?

[Ronnie]

We'll see.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Ronnie]

Might be fine.

[Dakota Fanning]

Maybe you with him, right?

[Dan]

If he keeps doing this.

[Ronnie]

Yes, True.

[Jake Johnson]

The path you're on.

[Ronnie]

All right. I'm willing to risk it anyway.

[Jake Johnson]

Love it. Okay, great. And so record it tonight. And follow up. Will you follow up with us next week? And will you just send us the video of the wake up and we'll just post that at the end of the episode.

[Ronnie]

I will, I will.

[Jake Johnson]

Really fast. Will you practice what you're gonna say? Let's do Danny. Will you be Brian?

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The alarm's gonna go off.

[Dan]

Well, can Dakota play the part of the alarm, please?

[Dakota Fanning]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know if she wants you willing to.

[Dan]

Thank you.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Oh, I just remember when you asked her to do something, you got a hard pass. I asked the great Dakota Fanning actor. The actor got a yes. Just noting that for the record. And three, two, one, Cut.

[Jake Johnson]

Cut, cut.

[Dan]

No, cut.

[Jake Johnson]

Bring in a new alarm clock. That was real weird. Real.

[Dakota Fanning]

Why? What's it supposed to sound like?

[Jake Johnson]

Right? It's not supposed to sound like a baby duck going.

[Dakota Fanning]

Maybe he has the duck squacking.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, well, then we need to know that beforehand. That's such a bold choice. Let's just do it.

[Dakota Fanning]

I'm not doing this. What's alarm?

[Jake Johnson]

Not quack.

[Dakota Fanning]

That's what I did.

[Jake Johnson]

Quack. That's what I did. All right, maybe I heard it wrong. Let's try again. Okay, good.

[Dan]

In three, two, one. And action. Sorry, babe. Sorry, babe.

[Dakota Fanning]

Back.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. My God. What is this? He's a. Dan, we obviously want Ronnie to talk here. We don't want a monologue from Brian about bullets. Right? That's fair.

[Dan]

That's fair.

[Jake Johnson]

The whole idea was.

[Dan]

Good note, good note.

[Jake Johnson]

First of all, you started snoring so near the alarm.

[Dan]

Good note, good note.

[Jake Johnson]

You were doing a lot of scene work with the bollocks. Madness.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go one more time. And remember, once the water comes, it's all the Ronnie show.

[Dan]

That's a good point. Candidly, I don't remember it. I was so in character, I wasn't aware what was occurring. But I hear it.

[Jake Johnson]

I hear it. Okay. Three, two. We're.

[Ronnie]

Flash. It's salmon season, bitch. And I'm the grizzly.

[Dan]

I've never loved you more, Ronnie.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I will say Ronnie. That's weird. It's weird.

[Ronnie]

It is weird. You suggested it.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but hearing it from his point of view, it's crazy.

[Ronnie]

It's crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Your wife throws water in your face.

[Dakota Fanning]

That's why this. The spray bottle idea might be better.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Dakota. What got me as weird was that it's salmon season, bitch. And ectication.

[Bethany]

Well, sure, but that was fully.

[Dakota Fanning]

That was fully all you.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a mistake. Yeah, that was a mistake.

[Dan]

Walk away. How about. How about good morning, my love?

[Jake Johnson]

5Am let's get. Maybe it's 5am get up.

[Dan]

Just all kind and loving optimism. You've done it again, you wonderfully keen 5am riser.

[Jake Johnson]

Off to the races. That's not how she talks. Right.

[Ronnie]

I'm throwing water in his face and I'm saying it's time to get up, my love. Is that what we're doing?

[Jake Johnson]

I think so. I like that a lot more. Your thoughts on that? What do you think?

[Dakota Fanning]

My thoughts are less on the water and more on the, like, lights are on, covers are off. This is how it feels every morning.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Like a very real, like, almost military.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yes. This is what you're doing to me every single morning. Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

Get up.

[Dan]

Okay.

[Dakota Fanning]

Get up or don't.

[Ronnie]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Ronnie, are you interested in trying to.

[Dakota Fanning]

Get up at 7? That's what I would do.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Natalie]

That's.

[Jake Johnson]

But this is over now.

[Dakota Fanning]

But this is it.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. This is the. This is today.

[Dakota Fanning]

It ends today. That's what. That's what I would do.

[Jake Johnson]

Because if you're gonna set your alarm, you're getting up every day at 5.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah. And then if you don't, then I'm gonna start setting. Then you tell them what you're gonna start doing.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah.

[Dakota Fanning]

I would tell him systematically what I'm gonna start doing.

[Jake Johnson]

And then, Ronnie, you notice Dakota's tone on this?

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you notice how quickly Dan and I agreed and we dropped all the other stuff and.

[Dan]

Whatever you want, Dakota.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan was all of a sudden awake.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

He had stopped the accent.

[Dan]

I'm still intimidated.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm no longer pitching about grizzlies and salmon. I'm getting up at five.

[Dan]

Whatever she wants.

[Jake Johnson]

Your tone is more a little bit quieter.

[Dakota Fanning]

I know maybe that's not you, Ronnie, but I think you have to inhabit that tone. You gotta. You need that tone for a. Mornings at least.

[Ronnie]

Okay.

[Natalie]

She's got a.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Dakota Fanning]

You mean business here.

[Dan]

You got it in your channel. You got it. Come on, Ronnie. You got it.

[Jake Johnson]

Channel. What Dakota did. Let's try it once and let's see if we can nail it. And if we can, we're hanging up the phone. If we can't, we gotta fix it.

[Ronnie]

So what am I. There's. So what's the thing? There's no water left. Now I'm just getting up, turn the light on, and using a calm tone.

[Dakota Fanning]

I wouldn't say calm, Dakota. I would say not calm. I would. 5:00am it goes off, you wake up, he snoozes. I would say lights on, covers off. Stop setting your alarm for this time unless you're gonna get up. You're fucking with me every morning, and I'm over it. Enough. And if you don't? Then I'm gonna start setting my alarm for four. I'm gonna start setting my alarm for three. I'm gonna start pouring water on you. Tell him. You know, that's what I would do.

[Ronnie]

That's what I would do. Okay, I'm done.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, let's. Let's see what happens.

[Dakota Fanning]

If this is bothering you, if it's really. If it's an issue to get that serious about, which it sounds like it is, Is. I think you have. You have to get a little aggressive.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you have.

[Ronnie]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you have this in you?

[Ronnie]

Oh, yes, of course I do. Definitely.

[Dakota Fanning]

Great.

[Dan]

All right, here we go.

[Dakota Fanning]

She's got it.

[Dan]

Ready to sleep.

[Jake Johnson]

You're dreaming.

[Dan]

Good night, my love. I can't wait to be optimistic at 5am can't wait.

[Jesse]

Right?

[Ronnie]

Brian, get up. We're out of bed, lights on. You gotta get better at this. We can't be having the 5am alarm. If you carry on with it, I'm throwing water in your face. And we're all getting up at 5am every morning. And I'm gonna kick your ass.

[Jake Johnson]

If you don't mind, I got. I got an idea. I got an idea. I'm gonna be honest here, Ronnie. I thought that was. Okay.

[Ronnie]

Okay, fair enough.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we try something? It's. Could it be a mistake? Yes. Okay. Can we have Dakota do it one more time, record it and send you the voice note? And when you wake up, just play Dakotas.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

By the way.

[Dakota Fanning]

Listen.

[Jake Johnson]

Dakota, will you say at the beginning, hey, this is Dakota?

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then let him know Ronnie's over your get up. Wait, hold on, cuz.

[Ronnie]

This great.

[Jake Johnson]

What is his real name? Brian.

[Ronnie]

It is. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so let's do that. And then when he wakes up, because then no matter what, it's going to be funny for him too. We don't want to break up. We don't want to fight. We want him.

[Dakota Fanning]

And then we want resolution. Realize this is you're under duress, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Mention Dakota in there, anywhere in there. Every day at 5am he's getting this message unless he stops.

[Dan]

And that's. That's the new alarm. It's Dakota Fanning. Is your new alarm.

[Dakota Fanning]

That's good. That's good.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Ronnie]

And I'll rock it.

[Jake Johnson]

And we will send you just this clip so you could do it. Is this something you would do tonight?

[Ronnie]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so let's. Let's try that in three.

[Dan]

Good night, my love. Good night, my love. See you in the morning.

[Jake Johnson]

Click.

[Dakota Fanning]

Brian, this is Dakota Fanning. Wake the fuck up at 5 or stop setting your alarm for 5. Ronnie is over this shit and it's a problem. Wake up at 5 or set your alarm for 7. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty good. Ronnie, your thoughts?

[Ronnie]

That was good.

[Dan]

That was it.

[Jake Johnson]

That's clean.

[Ronnie]

I like. I like the anger. I can feel the anger. I really appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Mean business and you know what we could do?

[Ronnie]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie, when we sent it, could you put that on a loop so it just keeps going over and over.

[Ronnie]

And.

[Dakota Fanning]

I said thank you at the end, like 20 minutes. Just looped.

[Dan]

Yeah, 20 minutes.

[Ronnie]

And do you want me. Do you want me to try and film this again as well?

[Dakota Fanning]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that's going to be harder because see the reaction. Yeah. If you can. Could we also maybe Natalie, at the end of this episode, just do a loop of Dakota singing that for like three minutes? So, Ronnie, will you try this tonight and let us know how it goes? Because I actually think it's going to work.

[Ronnie]

I will.

[Dakota Fanning]

I think it's going to work too.

[Ronnie]

I think it'll work.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think it's going to be a fight. I don't think it's a problem with the relationship. He's going to be so weir it out.

[Ronnie]

He's gonna go like, yeah, he's a good sport. I think he's a good sport.

[Jake Johnson]

I do this weird thing. Promise me you'll never tell him about the podcast. So he just goes like the Dakota Fanning's mad at me for setting an alarm in live.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, that will be.

[Jake Johnson]

Get up.

[Ronnie]

That would be a wild one.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to help. We're here to help.

[Dan]

Ronnie.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Thank you for the call.

[Dakota Fanning]

Thanks, Ronnie.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, thanks so much, guys. All right, chat soon. Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Bethany]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, how are you doing?

[Bethany]

Well, how are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Great. What's your name?

[Bethany]

My name's Bethany.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Bethany, where are you from?

[Bethany]

I'm from Chicago.

[Dan]

Oh, yes you are, Bethany.

[Jake Johnson]

Greatest city in the world already.

[Dan]

It's an um run.

[Jake Johnson]

My girl. Bethany.

[Dan]

Loving it.

[Jake Johnson]

Where in Chicago are you, Bethany?

[Bethany]

I'm in Bucktown.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Dan]

Where the two people live in Bucktown.

[Bethany]

We love Bucktown. Yes, we do.

[Jake Johnson]

Unfortunately, my brother in the last six months has started saying Q E, W L a lot. I don't know. He got an office in the city and the whole call was.

[Dan]

Yeah, I'm from. I'm calling from Fulton Market. It's such a cool neighborhood. I'm so glad. How's the 606 trail? It's so cool in Bucktown.

[Jake Johnson]

The Bethany, Chicago in a cool neighborhood. How old are you? What's your zone here?

[Bethany]

I'm 32.

[Jake Johnson]

32. And what's your sign?

[Bethany]

My sign? I'm a Leo.

[Jake Johnson]

Leo. And what does that mean to you, Bethany?

[Bethany]

I think most people will say Leos are self centered and dramatic.

[Dan]

Wow.

[Bethany]

So I'd like to say.

[Jake Johnson]

That'S not a great one.

[Bethany]

Maybe not me.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm a Leo. Most people say we're psychopaths and really assholes and thieves. Never heard one. So negative. Wow.

[Dan]

We don't own it. That's great, Bethany.

[Jake Johnson]

It's always positive stuff. We're compassionate. We're good partners. That was wild.

[Dakota Fanning]

I like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Whoever told you that? Me too, but someone's gaslighting you. Whoever. Whoever said that's what a Leo is. That's what you're calling. It was him. He's the problem. Yeah. So you got Danny J here, my brother. And then you've got new friend and co star in a movie. I'm very excited about Ms. Dakota Fanning.

[Dakota Fanning]

Hey, Bethany.

[Ronnie]

Wow. Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Bethany, you're in a very good spot here. We just really solved a problem problem before I think we did an A job. So what do you got? What's the problem today?

[Bethany]

Yeah. So now that I'm thinking about it, this might lean into the dramatic title of being a Leo. So as I am thinking about it, so I am obsessed with a restaurant in Bucktown. Kind of close to me. I've been eating there for years. And they have one thing on their menu that you can't get delivered or take out, and it's their French onion soup. And I've, you know, been over it. It's fine. But in, like, March of this year, I had Covid, and I was stuck at home, and all I wanted was the soup. So I sent my lovely husband to go there to see if he could take it out. And they said to him, you can't take this away because it compromises the integrity of the soup.

[Dan]

Nice.

[Jake Johnson]

I hate this so much, Bethany. I hate this.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, me too.

[Jake Johnson]

I hate when a restaurant does stupid shit like this.

[Dan]

I love it.

[Bethany]

And it was so good.

[Jake Johnson]

It's so good because you're so cute.

[Dan]

Because a cool restaurant has high standards. And I think I know the restaurant, Bethany, and I am on their side. But I want to hear your problem.

[Jake Johnson]

She already told us her problem.

[Bethany]

Well, my problem now. So at first, I got over it. I was able to say, that's fine. I'm also a strong believer that soup is to be eaten, like, on your couch, not at a restaurant.

[Jake Johnson]

It can be eaten anywhere you want.

[Dakota Fanning]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

You could buy it and throw it in a dumpster. It's yours.

[Dakota Fanning]

It's your soup.

[Jake Johnson]

Once you buy something, you could. You could literally buy it, go to a bowling alley where all the disgusting shoes are and just pour it in your mouth if that's what you want to do. It's not up to them. They've sold it.

[Dan]

Jake, it's not a chef.

[Jake Johnson]

Dakota, where do you. Oh, really fast.

[Dan]

Hold on.

[Dakota Fanning]

I'm with you right now. I'm with you.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, okay.

[Dan]

Look, I can't wait to see the new one.

[Dakota Fanning]

I'm with you. It's like, enough. Like, if you want. You want something the way that you want it, where you want it, it's like, we got it. You've had the soup at the restaurant how many times? You just want it at home?

[Jake Johnson]

Like, please, who cares? I bought it. I don't want to eat it. I want to bring a toy.

[Dakota Fanning]

By the way, this is not some specialty that has never been done anywhere else in the world. It's a French onion soup. It's pretty standard in Bucktown.

[Dan]

But it's their French onion soup, and it comes.

[Dakota Fanning]

Hey, Bethany, do they do something different with the French onion soup?

[Bethany]

I mean, it's better than any French onion soup I've ever had. That's why this is so important to me.

[Jake Johnson]

Right?

[Bethany]

So I don't Think.

[Jake Johnson]

Think.

[Bethany]

It's that unique, but it's so good.

[Dan]

It's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. But you can get. So they're basically admitting their sandwiches are dog.

[Dan]

They're not. They're not on the call. Jake, take it easy on this restaurant.

[Jake Johnson]

The rest of their food. Dog. Why Eat it wherever you want. Go. Go eat it in there. There's a dog shelter down the street. Go eat it in the. In there with those dogs. Wife. It's dog. Our French onion soup. We have rules for.

[Dan]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

It's becoming. Definitely not getting a chicken salad sandwich from that dog.

[Dan]

All right, let's see what Bethany's problem is.

[Dakota Fanning]

Okay, Continue, Bethany.

[Dan]

Take it easy, Jake.

[Bethany]

I totally accepted it, moved on with my life. But now we're approaching soup season. I'm also now five months pregnant. Congrats and thank you. I'm expecting at the end of February.

[Dakota Fanning]

Thanks.

[Bethany]

And I am very lucky and that things have gone smoothly and everything like that, but I'm still miserable. I work out of the house. I don't work from home. And literally all I want to do is come home and get the soup. And so now I care a lot more, and I really want to be able to take it home. And my husband has been ineffective in convincing them to let us take it home.

[Dan]

How high up the chain.

[Jake Johnson]

You've called the right place. You've called the right place.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

In baseball, every once in a while, if you got a good curveball, you got a good fastball, but it's not the best curveball. Fastball. Yeah. A little bit of funk to it, right? You can, on the brim of your hat, have a little bit of something, a little bit of Vaseline. You throw on a corner, and it's gonna really make that ball curve. So I think, yeah, you're pregnant. Well, there's a lot of pregnant people. There's pregnant people everywhere. There's not a lot of people who are having a very difficult pregnancy, and they're. They have bed rest, and they can't get out of bed for medical reasons, and we don't know how it's all going to turn out for the mother.

[Dan]

Oh, geez. This is dark. Nope, nope, nope.

[Jake Johnson]

Pull it back, bro.

[Dan]

Pull it back.

[Jake Johnson]

Dakota, your thoughts?

[Dakota Fanning]

Okay, I have another idea. If that doesn't work, I say that you sit down. He sits down like he's gonna eat it there. You bring your own to go containers.

[Jake Johnson]

I love this.

[Dakota Fanning]

And then this is great. Like, kind of disassemble the French, you know, like the Get. Lift the cheese. You Know what I mean? And. And put it in a to go box, wrap it up, and then go.

[Jake Johnson]

And go, hey, Bethany, that's in front of me. What do you think about? What do you think about? I'll take one French onion soup. Table for one.

[Natalie]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

Here you go. As soon as he gets it, you've got all. You've got a metal. I mean, like a glass bowl. It's all set up.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

He does it and he goes, thank you so much. Just the bill, please. That is technic. You're allowed to take your food to go. It is a loophole.

[Dan]

Feels. Feels.

[Jake Johnson]

Weird.

[Dakota Fanning]

Big loophole. Well, but, hey, you gotta. You know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Feels. And then if they go, hey, could you not. You know what it feels like?

[Jesse]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

You guys created a weird rule and I have to go by it. I'm bringing this home to my pregnant wife.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, let me hear.

[Dakota Fanning]

Will your husband do that? Bethany?

[Bethany]

The only thing I'm afraid of is he's really gotten into this whole, like, dad tax with food already. Even though the baby's not even here yet. And he eats so much of my food, it drives me crazy. And I don't trust him not to eat too much of it before he puts it in the bowl.

[Dakota Fanning]

No, I'm saying he doesn't eat any of it. No, it arrives and then you put it in the. To go 100.

[Dan]

But she doesn't trust him to do it. He's gonna eat it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I got a crazy pitch. Okay.

[Dakota Fanning]

Order two.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a pitch. I got a pitch here. That's close. Dan. Danny J. Is a Chicago guy. Yeah. He can go.

[Dan]

And Dan will talk to the owner.

[Jake Johnson]

Going out there. I know you are, but we might be able to take this to a real big level. It's not a call for everybody, but it happens to be Chicago. Danny J. Happens to be here. Dan is a talker. There is a world where we get to this situation and we get to an ending.

[Dan]

I was gonna pitch that. Unless that. I mean, I'm happy to go directly and we can go tonight if you'd like. But my pitch was if you're talking to the bartender. Right. Bartender's gotta do what he's gotta do. It sounds like you're regular, that you've been here often. You have a relationship with the restaurant, right?

[Bethany]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And so it sounds like. And for whatever reason, and I'm sure you've met the owner at some point.

[Bethany]

I don't know if I have.

[Dan]

Well, we're gonna change that because my husband would know, because Somebody with more authority than the bartender can just say, of course, for you, Bethany. We're in the hospitality industry. We take care of people.

[Jake Johnson]

But Dan, here's what we're. Here's what we're looking for. More of.

[Dan]

Here it comes last.

[Jake Johnson]

That's Bethany getting involved. And more Danny J, AKA Croco's son, going in there, finessing it, trying to record some of it, and getting him to say for Bethany and for you, Danny.

[Dan]

Annie, if you give me the name of the restaurant, I'll be there. And the next I could go right. I don't think they're open in the afternoon.

[Natalie]

You.

[Dan]

But I will go in, find the owner.

[Jake Johnson]

After work today.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey. Hey, Bethany, I got to ask you a real question right now. And I can vouch for this guy because he's my older brother. He's a safe guy. There's no. Nothing to be scared of. Do you want French onion soup tonight?

[Ronnie]

Okay.

[Bethany]

I'm actually out of town until Sunday.

[Ronnie]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Until Sunday.

[Dan]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Damn it. That will go okay. But we could put you guys on a text thing or an email, and Dan can go and the rubber can meet the road. Dan, you can record it as you're doing it with your phone. Yes, absolutely. And see if we can get to the bottom of this with a. A pass for her while pregnant. Yes. That French onion soup is picked up by the husband. He can't touch it because his fucking little fingers are going to get in that cheese.

[Dan]

How close are you? How many steps do you live from the restaurant? Are you on the same block or really near?

[Bethany]

Yeah, we're really nearby. Probably like four blocks.

[Dan]

Okay. So you could walk it on a nice day.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Okay. And you're. I bet you're in the 32nd Ward. Are you near, like, you know, Damon?

[Bethany]

Yes.

[Dan]

Okay, so you're probably in the 32nd Ward. I think this is. You are two steps from having a piping hot bowl of French onion soup in that pregnant body to get fueled up.

[Dakota Fanning]

Up.

[Dan]

Because you deserve it. Bethany, we're going to take care of this for you.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we do something really fast? This is going to work. Yeah. He's. He's. Danny J. Has a guy.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Dakota, are you comfortable playing the owner of the restaurant where you believe just for this soup, you don't do it, that.

[Dakota Fanning]

That the integrity of the soup is too important?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yes. It's just a fun thing that the restaurant does, but also the answer is no. Like, it's a policy. Yeah, it's a stupid policy, but we don't serve ketchup here. Why? Because we're adorable.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah, right, right.

[Jake Johnson]

It's one of those places. Dan, you, however you did it, you got a phone call with Dakota, the owner of this place.

[Dan]

And is Dakota playing the owner or is Bethany playing the owner?

[Dakota Fanning]

Yes, I am.

[Dan]

Awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Bring, bring.

[Dan]

Hi, is this Dakota Fanning of La Franche au Pac? It is pleasure to meet you, Dan Johnson. I've got a great opportunity for you and I'm hoping we can solve a problem for a delightful long term client who is in fact expecting. She raves endlessly about your French onion soup. But here's the only issue, and I'm hoping we can get there together today. She's not allowed to take it home. So I'm asking you, Ms. Fanning, would you be open to an exception to allow this wonderful woman three blocks away, maybe a block and a half to get that French onion soup to go and enjoy it at home while she's pregnant instead of forcing her?

[Dakota Fanning]

I wish, but chef doesn't allow that. It changes the integrity of the scene.

[Dan]

I believe it. I believe it. And I hear that. My only question is, I noticed that you haven't had your inspection recently.

[Dakota Fanning]

Little blackmail.

[Dan]

And I love this restaurant and I love keeping it open and serving customers, especially Bethany. And that's, I think, an easy ask.

[Jake Johnson]

My friend Miss Fanny, your thoughts.

[Dakota Fanning]

Is that true? And I'm going back to me, I'm going Back to real. Ms. Fanny.

[Jake Johnson]

We just made that up.

[Dakota Fanning]

Oh, I don't know. Maybe Dan walked by. He claims to know this restaurant.

[Jake Johnson]

A little bit of homework. Oh, great. With the district, all that, he did seem like he knew what he was talking. No, it's total bullshit. 100% bullshit. Yeah.

[Dan]

I've not identified the restaurant yet.

[Dakota Fanning]

You know what? That's so not true. And I'm sorry, but I gotta keep the. I gotta keep the integrity of the food at my restaurant. I gotta go with what chef asks that no takeout for the French onion soup.

[Dan]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree with Dakota on this one. Also after threatening me.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Jesse]

Play.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Click. Okay, by the way, Bethany, you're banned.

[Dan]

Okay, Plan B, baby.

[Dakota Fanning]

I'm telling you, you gotta go in and put the soup in your own to go container while making eye contact with whoever told you that you can't do that. That's what I would.

[Jake Johnson]

So right now. So, Bethany, we're gonna go back to you for a second here. So you got Dakota's pitch. Have a container, direct eye contact, transfer it. Your rules. There's a loophole I could win it. You have my original pitch. Keep in mind. Decoder. He said it was so dark. And then he tried to blackmail the person.

[Ronnie]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

He tried to, essentially. So mine was.

[Dan]

I got a little lost.

[Jake Johnson]

You got. You got like a crazy.

[Dan]

You got turned around a bit.

[Jake Johnson]

That's.

[Natalie]

That's true.

[Dan]

That's true. I'm not proud of it.

[Jake Johnson]

So my. Not my greatest. That was. Dan. That was wild.

[Dan]

It wasn't my greatest. That's true. That's true. I thought I was gonna get yes out of Dakota.

[Jake Johnson]

She gave you such an easy apple. She's like, we don't do that. You go.

[Dan]

She's like, no. Like, you said no to that.

[Dakota Fanning]

That hurt.

[Dan]

My Felix.

[Jake Johnson]

You overreacted in such a way. That was shocking.

[Dan]

Yeah, it was wrong. It was wrong.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta walk that back. Okay, so you. So you got Dakota's pitch, Bethany, which I think is a very good one. And do the transference. Up to you. If. Up to your husband. If he wants to make the weird eye contact. She pitched it. I would say don't make the weird eye contact. That just seems weird, but totally up to the player playing the game. Mine is the pregnancy is kind of brutal, and you could really appreciate the help in this very specific situation. Or we bring in Danny J. He does some leg work, as we saw. It could go really well or it could go sideways. But I will tell you, he's a man that delivers in the clutch, and I don't think he would do that in real life. I think he got thrown by doing a scene with Dakota.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And thought, I'm gonna steamroll at the beginning, and she's gonna say yes. And when she didn't, he panicked.

[Dan]

Well, it's a. It's intimidating.

[Jesse]

Right?

[Dan]

It was like a brick wall, and nothing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Dakota Fanning]

I will say, I do believe that Dan will get that suit to kick.

[Jake Johnson]

Go. I do, too.

[Dakota Fanning]

No question.

[Jake Johnson]

But I will say this also, B. You have three great pitches. What are you gonna do?

[Bethany]

They are good. I like Dakota's idea of him getting the two souped. I think that's the very important part is doing the two soups. I'm a little worried what. How he would handle if he were to get caught doing that.

[Dakota Fanning]

There's no cut.

[Jake Johnson]

You can't.

[Dakota Fanning]

They can't tell you. They cannot tell you that you cannot bring your own glass. Wear that. You. They can't tell you that. Bethany, are you willing to do it?

[Bethany]

Oh, if there were to be one of us, it would definitely. I'm the one that would do something like that more often.

[Jake Johnson]

That is the right question. Will you do it?

[Dakota Fanning]

Defeats the purpose of having it delivered to you on the couch. Which I understand. But if you're already out and making your way home and going, you could, you know, you could.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right. The only other.

[Dan]

The only other piece of my pitch is that I'm delighted to do it, but I think you can do it too. So the pitch is not to ask the bartender, but to say, hey, can I find the owner? Can I speak with the owner? I wanted to pay my compliments. I've gone here for a year and a half. I just wanted to meet the owner.

[Natalie]

Owner.

[Dan]

And call and just say how wonderful the restaurant is, how great it is, how meaningful it is. Oh, and by the way, do you think I might be able to get some of the French onion soup to go, I'm pregnant, blah, blah, blah.

[Jake Johnson]

So that's because if not, I need to ask you, when was the last time you got an inspection? So what about a bribe?

[Jesse]

Like a healthy, friendly.

[Jake Johnson]

Go on, Jesse.

[Jesse]

Like a friendly bribe. Like a bottle of whiskey for the kitchen.

[Jake Johnson]

Or like, there you go. Like, I love you. I love your food. We've been coming here.

[Jesse]

I just wanted to thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

And also, by the way, but that could be the husband.

[Jesse]

Like, whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Is there any way my wife is pregnant at home. She's going to be pregnant through February. Is there any way we could do this? And then all of a sudden you go in your backpack and there's a nice bottle of something and you go, like, just for you guys, just with a big smile. I'm playing a game here, but I need this. Is there a way you could help me? So, Bethany, we gotta go to you now. We gotta find the end of this. What the hell are you gonna do?

[Bethany]

I think the bribe is a nice addition to keeping it on my husband so that he does it. I don't have to do the work. And it feels like the long term payoff where once he gets in, I.

[Jake Johnson]

Can do this in forever.

[Bethany]

More than once.

[Ronnie]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Bethany]

At least until February.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, agreed. And then by February, you're in a routine. They're not going to go, was the baby born? You're still pregnant in three years. Who's keeping track? I'm pregnant again. Who gives a shit? But is this something you're gonna actually do or is he gonna actually do?

[Bethany]

Yeah, he's. He's been pretty devoted to figuring out a solution, so I think he will give it a try.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you have Him Try it. Will you get some French onion soup this weekend?

[Dan]

He's out of town.

[Bethany]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I'm sorry. You're back on Sunday for neck. Can you do it next week? Week.

[Bethany]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. And then follow up with us because I'm. I think this is gonna work. And if it doesn't work, you know what we're gonna do? Plan B. Send in the big cat.

[Jesse]

Absolutely.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Dakota Fanning]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna. We're gonna send in the bro.

[Dan]

Yeah. Yeah. I gotta try this.

[Jake Johnson]

Is gonna come in and close this game. Yeah.

[Dan]

I gotta try this soup. This is gonna be great.

[Jake Johnson]

It's.

[Dan]

This seems like a really cool restaurant.

[Jake Johnson]

Stop it. So follow up with us. And, Dakota, thank you for doing the show for the first time. We will be doing it again. Yes.

[Dakota Fanning]

I can't wait.

[Jake Johnson]

So fun. But I can't. The movie is so good. I'm so excited to do the whole press run with you. I think we're gonna have a ton of fun.

[Dakota Fanning]

Me too. We're gonna have a huge.

[Dan]

I can't wait, guys. It's gonna be great.

[Jake Johnson]

Goodbye, bethany. Follow up.

[Ronnie]

Bye.

[Dakota Fanning]

Brian. This is Dakota Fanning. Wake the fuck up at 5 or stop setting your alarm for 5. Ronnie is over this shit and it's a problem. Wake up at 5 or set your alarm for 7. Thank you, Brian. This is Dakota Fanning. Wake the fuck up at 5 or stop setting your alarm for 5. Ronnie is over this shit and it's a problem. Wake up at 5 or set your alarm for 7. Thank you. Brian. This is Dakota Fanning. Wake the fuck up at 5 or stop setting your alarm for 5. Ronnie is over this shit and it's a problem. Wake up at 5 or set your alarm for 7. Thank you, Brian. This is Dakota Fanning. Wake the fuck up at 5 or stop setting your alarm for 5. Ronnie is over this shit and it's a problem. Wake up at 5 or set your alarm for 7. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our [e-mail] here to to help. Pod to see our entire catalog. We're here to Help is produced by.

[Jesse]

Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and.

[Jesse]

Master by Chris Faller Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Natalie]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.

[Nicole Byer]

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends. We talk, and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

[Jake Johnson]

You were?

[Nicole Byer]

I'm really sorry. I was so. Okay. I was trying to be supportive.

[Dakota Fanning]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But I was like, I don't know. Reading seems pretty hard right now.

[Dakota Fanning]

It's a lot.

[Ronnie]

I think.

[Jake Johnson]

You did good.

[Nicole Byer]

Thank you so much.

[Ronnie]

You're welcome.