242: The 1st Annual Helpies

Summary

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"We're Here to Help" – Episode 242: The 1st Annual Helpies

Release Date: December 22, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds | Produced by Headgum

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Overview

This special episode brings listeners the inaugural “Helpies”—a tongue-in-cheek awards show celebrating the most memorable callers and moments from the "We're Here to Help" podcast’s past year. Jake and Gareth are in full awards-show mode, fueled by caffeine and mischief, reflecting on some of the weirdest, funniest, and surprisingly heartfelt stories sent in by listeners. Winners receive the podcast’s coveted limited-edition Steve Berg calendar, with frequent discussions breaking into loving self-parody of award show traditions.

Throughout, the episode’s energy is both chaotic and warmly communal, echoing the spirit that has made “We’re Here to Help” a podcast about dubious advice and sincere support.

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Key Segments & Award Winners

1. Best International Caller

[02:10 – 09:54]

• Nominees highlighted by Natalie include Rolly from the UK (tormented by an old woman shouting “shit on me”), Hardik from India (parking spot warfare), and Margaret from Iceland (accent dilemma on Bumble).
• Jake: “Steve is a professional model… The winners of the helpies today will get a calendar sent to them.” [01:36]
• The crew marvels at how many votes they received, and play back memorable call clips.
• Winner: Rolly, UK ("the Shit On Me Woman" story)
  • Rolly joins live to accept and discuss how "the word got around" and now neighbors know him as "the shit on me guy."
  • Rolly: “It's not my favorite association, but, you know, it’s better than nothing. It's a hook, babe.” [06:40]
  • Jake suggests sending an extra calendar for the old lady.
  • Memorable moment: Jake on the silliness of awards: “It's not any crazier than when Blockbuster did an award show… this is as dumb as the other dumb ones.” [05:17]

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2. Best Sports Call

[10:13 – 24:24]

• Nominees: Alex & Jack (floor hockey rank argument), Aaron & Sophie (post-breakup season tickets), Taylor & Brian (Pickle and Chip Classic pickleball).
• Insights: Jake and Gareth reflect on producer Jesse's call selection; “The calls… it is the most important part of the show.” [12:46]
• Winner: Taylor & Brian (Pickleball)
  • Both join in to recap the infamous Thanksgiving dinner where Brian wore “bikini bottoms” as payoff for losing.
  • Brian: “Hey, you know, there’s one thing I’m not and that’s shy.” [16:48]
  • Taylor: “If I do lose, sure, I’ll wear the bikini bottoms.” [22:45]
  • Plans for future matches and even a possible doubles event are floated.

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3. Best Animal Call

[24:29 – 32:38]

• Nominees: Aubrey (fed cat earwax), Mateo (duck in love), Rebecca, Sue, Susan & James (hand-feeding raccoons).
• Debate: Jake and Gareth crack up about which story touched or unnerved them the most (Earwax Cat? Gandalf the Duck?).
• Winner: Mateo, for Gandalf the Duck
  • Mateo updates: After trying the “stuffed duck” strategy, Gandalf stopped harassing him, and others in the building have spotted the duck around.
  • Mateo: “It is a tremendous honor to win this podcast… probably one of the greatest parts of this entire year.” [29:43]
  • Jake quips: “We did not kill the duck!” [31:06]
  • Steve Berg calendar will replace King Kong in Mateo’s extensive dinosaur-themed apartment.

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4. Best Follow-Up

[33:47 – 41:08]

• Nominees: Tom (first intern/psych ward alibi), Zach (made three friends poop in the woods), Mr. Hot Takes (infamous classroom debates about fruit).
• Insight: “The follow-ups are such a big part of why I love this show.” –Jake [34:47]
• Winner: Mr. Hot Takes
  • Joins in with prop trophy and hot takes from his students: “Michael Jackson isn’t impressive.” & “No one likes dark chocolate; they just say it to sound sophisticated.” [39:25, 40:02]
  • Jake: “Do you think you can put the Steve Berg calendar up in your classroom?” [37:04]
  • Plans to sneak the calendar into school and neighbors’ homes for comedic effect.

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5. Best Song

[42:46 – 51:11]

• Nominees: “The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread (Irene),” “22nd Pilot (21 Pilots cover),” and “Don’t Cry for me, Argentina” (performed by Aaron, Gareth, and Judd Apatow).
• Winner: Irene for “The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread”
  • Irene joins for a bittersweet update: she and Derek broke up, she’s unemployed, and no longer with the titular cat.
  • Irene: “I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread. I wrote a ballad about you. I’ve never written a ballad about anyone else.” [49:29]
  • Jake, awkwardly: “We're sending you a calendar.” [47:47]
  • Irene teases future music as “Mrs. Ginger and the Breads.”

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6. Best Guest Helper

[51:49 – 55:03]

• Nominees: Cat Reitman, Lamorne Morris, Justin Long.
• Discussion: Jake credits Lamorne for “building the house of the show.”
• Winner: Cat Reitman
  • Cat calls in, triumphant: “Eat it, your girl won!… Regular Mother Teresa type.” [54:18-54:28]
  • Welcomes the award, jokes about the logistics: “Do I have to come pick it up?” [54:49]

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7. Best Caller

[55:07 – 59:22]

• Nominees: Regina (orgy finger foods), Heather (cat/wife mix up), Lisa (mom & daughter), Paige (mannequin for Dennehy), Professor Dr. T (jungle animal conundrum), Connor (Airbnb saga).
• Winner: Connor (Airbnb saga)
  • Audio acceptance: “I'm here to tell you that you too can win a helpy if you end up signing up for a random Airbnb and moving across the country and everything goes wrong.” [57:59]
  • Connor’s moving to Texas next year—potential for more chaos.

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8. Top Call

[59:59 – 63:27]

• Nominees: Chris (ostrich farm tickets), Emma (cat-sitting/masturbation confession), Robert (brother’s possible circumcision mystery), Angelica (haunted Jake & Gareth dolls), Stone (not a foot fetish), Nick (sauna stains).
• Winner: Robert (Circumcision Mystery)
  • Did not appear live but acknowledged the win by message: “Oh, wow. Really? That's crazy. Send me the number to call and I'll try to find time.” [63:07]

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9. Listener Tributes & Finale

[63:46 – 68:15]

• Special segment: Listener Rob Miranda’s 3D-printed busts of Steve Berg are presented, plus keychains and planter heads.

  • Gareth: “This is like his bust in the hall of fame. I mean, this is shocking.” [64:15]
  • The hosts joke about passing the statue around.
  • Plans to commission “little Bergs” as next year’s official helpy trophy.

• Shoutouts: Thanks to everyone – from Natalie, Jesse, Chris, and the crew, to all callers and listeners.

• Jake: “We’ve done about 250 of these and without people like you calling in with energy, Gareth and I would be bored of each other.” [40:50]

• “The Helpies were a smash. They will be annual.” [63:27]

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Notable Quotes

• Jake: “Our point is that this is as dumb as the other dumb ones… So therefore, this matters as much as that.” [05:37]
• Rolly (accepting Best International Call): “It’s a hook, babe… It’s not my favorite association, but, you know, it’s better than nothing.” [06:40]
• Brian (Pickleball): “Hey, you know, there’s one thing I’m not and that’s shy.” [16:48]
• Jake (to Mr. Hot Takes): “We love you. You have been one of the reasons this show is so enjoyable.” [40:34]
• Irene (Mrs. Gingerbread): "I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread. I always will. Nothing will change that." [49:29]

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Funniest and Most Memorable Moments

• Jake threatening to “sell my house” to buy more calendars for all callers [57:28].
• Irene’s bittersweet win, asking to “unring the bell” after her breakup, with the hosts unsure whether to comfort or giggle [45:31-47:41].
• Trio dissecting the absurdity of awards, with Jake invoking the Blockbuster and Spike TV awards [05:15].
• Live debates over which animal story was the weirdest; Gareth suggesting merch with “I love that duck’s penis” [27:02].
• Plans to sneak Steve Berg calendars into random homes for neighborly confusion [38:01].
• Presentation of Rob Miranda’s Steve Berg bust, planter, and keychains [63:46–67:08].

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Tone

The episode is fast, friendly, irreverent, and loaded with improvisational riffing. The hosts’ energy oscillates between wild, caffeine-driven riffing and sincere gratitude, poking at the silliness of podcast award shows while genuinely celebrating their community’s beloved inside jokes and oddities.

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Timestamps of Major Segments

• [00:44] – Show opening & concept for “The Helpies”
• [02:10] – Best International Caller
• [10:13] – Best Sports Call
• [24:29] – Best Animal Call
• [33:47] – Best Follow-Up
• [42:46] – Best Song
• [51:49] – Best Guest Helper
• [55:07] – Best Caller
• [59:59] – Top Call
• [63:46] – Presentation of Steve Berg busts & episode wrap-up

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For New Listeners:

This episode encapsulates the “We’re Here to Help” spirit: smart-dumb advice, genuine community, and a LOT of running jokes. It’s a tribute to the show’s “call-in” culture—elevating and gently roasting the most offbeat voices who make the podcast work. Expect warmth, chaos, and the realization that dubious advice is just an excuse to make people feel seen, and included.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, we're heredos. The Steve Berg 2026 calendar is here. Well, almost. It will be available for order on December 3rd at 12:00pm Eastern Standard Time. We are doing a limited run of 500 calendars, so get yours while you can. All orders will ship December 9th, just in time for the holidays. Visit www.heretohelpod.com.

[B]

2222.

[C]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual. We're here to help helpies. Gareth, where are you at? We're finishing off another year of the show. We are about to enter year three.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

We're going to have an announcement soon about it. We're talking to head gum. We're coming back. We're not taking the weird break we took after the first one.

[D]

Yep.

[C]

We've been really happy with Rabbit Grin. It's all kind of working right now. We're doing a big ending this year to celebrate season one and two overall. Where you at, big daddy?

[D]

I think we're. This is our best year. Like you said. I think we really. You know, it is. The calls. Rabbit grin puts us in a great position.

[C]

We are now going to start the official helpies first annual. First annual. Where every winner. I don Know if this has been announced. They're getting a calendar.

[D]

Yep.

[C]

So the winners of the helpies today will get a calendar sent to them. We've sold so many of these goddamn calendars.

[D]

I mean, it's. It feels like we're going to run out.

[C]

It's crazy.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. It feels like.

[C]

Makes no sense.

[D]

No, no, it's crazy.

[C]

Steve is a professional model. And so, Natalie, what do we do?

[A]

You guys are going to listen to the nominations. So we are going to start with our best international caller.

[D]

Best international caller.

[C]

Best international caller.

[D]

It's a good order. That's a good starter.

[C]

Oh, and how many did we get a lot of votes on? We need to pick. Did people actually vote? Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Good job, everybody. Thank you. Thousands of votes. Good job, everybody.

[D]

It's exciting. So this is our best international call. Okay, are we ready to announce the nominees? Let's give it a shot. That's the spirit.

[B]

And the nominees for best international call are. From the United Kingdom, Rolly, who was accosted by an old woman on his morning walk. Yeah, the first one I thought I misheard until it happened so many times. And this became a theme. And so I was walking past her and I smiled at her.

[C]

Excellent.

[B]

And she said, shit on me. From India, Hardik, whose neighbors stole his parking spot. I might actually hire some people to pick up this.

[C]

Film it.

[B]

Be one guy quickly.

[C]

Hardik, if you film it, send it to us and we'll put that theme song under it. Okay.

[B]

The fresh maker from Iceland, Margaret, who needed to pick an accent.

[D]

Hi, I'm Margaret. Hi, I'm Gareth from Bumble.

[A]

Hi. How far do your legs go?

[D]

What's the question? It's very.

[A]

My legs go from my ankles to my ears.

[D]

That's perfect.

[C]

Well, first question to everybody really fast. What did you guys think of that with Eric reading it? The sound effects. Who did the sound effects on that? The clapping and the music?

[A]

Your editor, Chris.

[C]

Really? He did a great job. And he picked those clips.

[A]

No, that was Jesse.

[C]

Jesse.

[D]

Great picks. Also, Eric's voice is perfect. God, he's good.

[C]

So now we get to who wins.

[A]

Well, I would like to know who you think.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

I have. I think Raleigh from I Think They Shit On Me Lady. I think that one.

[C]

Oh, you do?

[D]

Yeah. That was such a saga.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

And I can't remember the exact resolve, but it like we got. I think we helped, sort of.

[C]

I think Margaret.

[D]

I also. Great call.

[C]

Do you know?

[A]

I do know.

[C]

Do you know?

[A]

I do know. Who do you think I'm a Margaret.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I think it's too good.

[C]

Is it time to announce the winner?

[D]

But you've got to do the whole like. Oh, yeah, let's see. This is. This is. This is my sweet spot. And the winner is. Can never get these things open. Moonlight. Oh, no. Raleigh. Raleigh, uk. Raleigh. The On Me woman. And we have Raleigh joining the show.

[C]

And by the way, great call. I'm happy he won too.

[D]

Yeah, he's great.

[C]

Oh. So, Riley, are you here?

[D]

I can see you.

[C]

So, congratulations. You've won Best International Call at the first annual Helpies. Really?

[D]

That's crazy. I did not expect that.

[C]

Yes, it's crazy, but it's not any crazier than when Blockbuster did an award show. They did the Blockbuster Awards.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Spike did one.

[C]

Spike. I was at the Spike one with Damon Wayne Jr. It was the dumbest Men's Choice Awards.

[D]

The Men's Choice Awards.

[C]

So stupid. But this isn't any more stupid than this. What?

[D]

Our point is that this is as dumb as the other dumb ones.

[C]

So therefore this matters as much as that. Sir, how does it feel to win the first.

[D]

The first award?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I would so much rather have this than Men's Choice.

[C]

Or was it Blockbuster did an award show for. And everybody in Hollywood took it seriously. They're all wearing gowns. Gowns and tuxedos to Go to the Blockbuster Award.

[D]

The first Oscars must have been. People must have been like, what is.

[C]

They must have thought. They're like, this. This will never work. And now people are like, I've spent my life trying to get this award. So, more about you. What's going on with the story here? What's going on with that old lady? Where are you at? What's the latest?

[D]

I've spent in Italy for the month, so I haven't seen her in a little while. But the word got around about how she was around me. And now we've got a few neighbors who, whenever I bump into them, ask for an update. And it's. Yeah, it's pretty much how I'm known. I'd say around where I live, in your neighborhood. Really? It seems like you don't like that, being known as that person. I sure don't know. It's not my favorite association, but, you know, it's better than nothing. It's a hook, babe.

[C]

So how did it spread in your neighborhood?

[D]

Well, my friends found out about it. I hadn't told them much about it, but as soon as they found out, it was like wildfire. And now there's a good few neighbors who. They wouldn't know my name, probably don't know what house I live in, but whenever they see me, they come and ask what she said. Is she still saying stuff to you, Rollie? She is, yeah. Like, there was. There was a gap where I didn't see her for a while, but. Yeah, no, she came back strong. She came back swinging.

[C]

What was the last thing she said to you, sir?

[D]

Oh, it's. Honestly, it's very repetitive. I think I told you. It's pretty much the general line of inquiry, but it's. It's. Yeah. Like, you know, what. What she's planning to do with me, you know?

[C]

Well, after seeing you, I get it.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

First time was audio only. Now I'm thinking of the things I would do to you.

[D]

We'd all love to be on by Rolly.

[C]

Are we doing this weird laugh the whole show?

[D]

I think it's nice.

[C]

I don't.

[D]

Let's go back to Garrett. No, it is. Every now and then you're done reading.

[C]

These because this brings out the monologue and it brings out this guy.

[B]

No.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

No, Jake.

[C]

There's no studio audience, Jake. They don't count. They work for the show.

[D]

I'm playing to them. The audience at home. Well, if it counts, I love it. It makes me feel like I'm at.

[C]

The Oscar that's all he's trying to do.

[D]

Is there anyone you'd like to thank in. In your acceptance again? You won the first award. Yeah. Is there anyone you'd like to thank? Huge honor. Just like the Oscars. I imagine my name will be that first one on the list that everyone looks back to. And of course, I have to. I have to thank that old lady. I don't know her name. You know, don't know much about her except for, you know, what she. She likes to do in her private time. But, yeah, she's. She's wrong with you guys, so that's a treat. Might be nice in 2026, maybe for Rolly to take us on one of the walks and maybe we could film it, hear the woman live, and we could say something to her on behalf of the show.

[C]

Maybe we'll do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, listen, enjoy Italy.

[D]

Enjoy Italy, Rolly. Hopefully. Thank you so much, guys.

[C]

Sending you a Steve Berg hunk calendar as that's the trophy. It's the ultimate trophy. So would you want it in Italy or do you want it back in England?

[D]

I'll be back in England in a couple of days, so that would be great. Oh, look at that. Looks amazing. Yeah.

[C]

You know what we should do? On each one, we should write.

[A]

Yeah, you guys should sign it.

[C]

You should sign it. And then say, oh, I'd love for first annual winner.

[D]

Each one will get.

[C]

Yeah, okay. Well, enjoy the first. That's a treat.

[D]

Thank you very much.

[C]

You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna send you two and. And give one to the old lady.

[D]

Oh, just next time she goes like.

[C]

I want to on your face. Go like this.

[D]

Look at this. On this guy.

[C]

Look at this.

[D]

There you go.

[C]

What do you think of December? We're going to send you two. One for her.

[D]

Thanks so much.

[C]

Welcome.

[D]

All right. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Have a great day.

[C]

Wonderful warm feeling.

[D]

Yeah, that's exciting.

[C]

This, the helpies is about warmth.

[D]

Yes. And reflection and reflection. Reflection and warmth. You guys ready for the next category?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Okay, next category.

[C]

All right.

[B]

And the nominees for best sports call Alex and Jack, who disagreed about their pff ranking. Because I don't think I'm the best.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I love, like, if you're gonna show.

[D]

Up and play for hockey and, like, be mediocre, like, don't pretend that you're the best.

[B]

Aaron and Sophie sang for their season tickets.

[A]

So I've been on the waiting list for season tickets for forever.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We finally got them this year. And my partner at the Time went in on it with me to buy them. And then about a month ago we broke up.

[B]

Taylor and Brian who competed in our first annual Pickle and Chip Classic.

[C]

You versus Taylor at pickleball. What do you think's gonna happen?

[B]

I will annihilate him. Have you ever played pickleball, Brian?

[C]

That's back. Jesse, wonderful clips.

[D]

Great. What do you what I know which one we don't think it is.

[C]

I agree.

[D]

So we.

[C]

Not the tickets.

[D]

Not the tickets.

[C]

And I'll tell you why. It's a great call.

[D]

The saga ended up working.

[C]

Yeah. But it was a lot that first call.

[D]

Little bizarre.

[C]

The relationship was heavy. We got there with one of them didn't join. Yes. Who do you think?

[D]

It's got to be pickle. Pickleball. The floor hockey one was.

[C]

I mean changed the game for the show.

[D]

It. And that really was excellent. Katie Nolan, guest helper and. And we really perfect. It was quite a. It probably had a more dramatic ending for sure. So maybe that I got to say.

[C]

That one was, you know, I gotta say sometimes the show and I don't know. I've got a question for the producers. What are you. When we have a guest, how much time do you put in to pick in the call that it might work? I was re listening to the one wits Aaron today with Dakota Fannin and the alarm thing happened to work for her. Are you guys thinking, oh yeah, this could really work for her for some reason or is it just sometimes blind luck?

[A]

Yeah. I knew she did that with her alarm.

[C]

You did? I just became bird's friend. Huh. Jesus Christ.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Very clearly it was revealed why he's one of my oldest friends.

[A]

What?

[D]

Are you serious? Oh my God. You guys knew they served lasagna.

[C]

Oh my God.

[D]

Oh my God. I'm gonna do marinara too.

[A]

Serious answer. Jesse and I spend a lot of time on picking callers cuz it is the most important part of the show.

[C]

I totally agree. It's everything.

[A]

And Jesse does a lot of work. So I'd like to shout out Jesse.

[D]

Shout out. Shouting him out after we ask. So it's not like a. You know, it's not a traditional shout out.

[A]

You're so jealous all the time. All the attention from you to someone else.

[D]

It's. I'm happy for Jesse.

[C]

So mad.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

Now look how happy he is.

[D]

I'm not. This is the worst.

[C]

Did you see that smile? He's like now it's on me again.

[D]

Oh my Lord. You get Morgan in the room. It just activates negatively in my direction.

[C]

But so that. So you guys do. Because a lot of these, when you go to the Katie Nolan one, that one was perfect.

[D]

Perfect. I mean, we also get lucky sometimes, obviously, but we do our best.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

All right, so you're predicting floor hockey.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. You're predicting pickleball, I think, by a hair.

[C]

Yeah. The winner for the best sports call, the first ever, goes to Taylor and Brian. Pickle ball. It did pull through and they're joining on Zoom. Hey, Brian.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[C]

I want to tell you something here, big daddy.

[A]

You.

[C]

You lost at pickleball that day. You know that, right? Yes, but you won today.

[D]

Best sports call of the year.

[C]

We're sending you a goddamn calendar and we're not sending one to Taylor.

[D]

Well, I don't know about that. We'll probably.

[C]

He's not on the call.

[D]

I know. We'll probably still send it to him. We got a bunch of us. I don't think that's right. He might re.

[C]

Brian in a lot of ways. You won and he lost and you dominated him.

[D]

Well, I don't. I mean, he was drinking beer during the pickleball game.

[C]

Hey, Brian.

[D]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[C]

True.

[B]

Brian.

[C]

Brian, did you ever.

[B]

There's nothing wrong with light beer, Brian.

[C]

Did you ever do the wear the underpants thing?

[B]

Yeah, we did.

[D]

Hey, Taylor. What's up, my man?

[B]

I made it.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

I was watching the live and then I couldn't figure out how to switch.

[D]

That's okay, Jake. You had some stuff you wanted to say.

[C]

You got a calendar. Now, I was going to cut you out of the calendar.

[D]

Some stuff got said while you.

[C]

Yeah, because if you did, if you had to go to work or something. Sorry, man. You lost today. Brian won. He gets calendar. You don't get a calendar. But now that you're here, Congratulations.

[B]

You won.

[C]

The first ever helping for best sports go. And I gotta say, you beat.

[D]

I think it was close. Had to be.

[C]

So talk to us now. Where are you guys at? What's the latest? Brian was saying he did the dinner where he wore the little panties. Tell us about it.

[B]

Yeah, it was Thanksgiving. It was.

[D]

Wait, you did Thanksgiving with the. The bikini bottoms?

[B]

We were on. We were on the verge of disaster for the entire meal.

[C]

I mean, it was.

[B]

I'm still. Still a little scarred by it. I think most of the family is.

[D]

How many people were there?

[B]

Well, we had my family, some four. Brian, Heather, the kids. I think we had eight minutes.

[C]

So walk us through what happened. Will you slowly paint the picture.

[B]

Well, he came out with apron first. Apron first. And then the big reveal when he came out with the food and just walked around from person to person. How much turkey would you like? Would you like, you know, do you need some stuff?

[C]

Wow.

[B]

I mean, nobody can keep a straight face. Nobody could even answer the question.

[C]

How could you?

[D]

It was awesome.

[B]

It was just absolute chaos.

[C]

Brian, what a victory, bud. How did it feel being the hunk?

[B]

Hey, you know, there's one thing I'm not and that's shy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I have no problem.

[C]

Hey, Brian, how did it feel being the main course at Thanksgiving dinner?

[B]

I don't think. I don't think my. My father in law or mother in law want to have very many conversations with me for a while.

[D]

Wow. Because they don't deserve one picture.

[C]

Any pics.

[B]

The wife is.

[C]

That's.

[B]

That's the hard one with the wife.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Understand just because of social media. Wow. All right, well, we can dig into this baby.

[C]

Hey, Brian, can I throw something out at you, man? You interested in being a calendar?

[B]

Being in a calendar?

[C]

Yes. Yeah. We just did a calendar with Steve Berg that has sold so many goddamn copies, we don't know what to do with them. We might have to make it.

[D]

You said you tell the wife if this is a financial decision now, you.

[C]

Get 40 of profits, my king.

[D]

Great iceberg out like that.

[C]

Berg is not in it.

[D]

Hey, I was thinking for 2026, we got Brian. He lost a pickle, drank beer during the match. We like the direction he's going in right now.

[C]

The audience prefers his cat. Holy. Would that be good?

[B]

We'll have to get it. We'll have to get it sponsored by Miller Light or something.

[D]

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[C]

Where are you guys at with pickleball? You guys played again?

[B]

We haven't played again. Yeah, go ahead.

[D]

We will.

[B]

We will soon. I mean, I know it's. It's annual now and the police committed and my dad's getting hats and. I mean, it's.

[D]

Well, let's explode. Let us know so we can help blow it up to make it an even larger event.

[C]

But it's becoming, so. It's becoming a really fun thing for the family. It's becoming a big game. You guys are going to do it next year? Brian, are you training at all, man?

[D]

No.

[B]

Yeah, but mostly just exercise wise, not pickleball wise.

[D]

Okay? Conditioning.

[B]

Trying to. Trying to drop some pounds, get more back into, you know, you know, not fighting shape, but be a little bit more agile, you know.

[C]

Expect the hell out of that. I'm doing the same thing, brother.

[D]

Hold on. And Taylor, would you.

[C]

Not fighting shape per se, but we're.

[D]

In the middle of their experience. Right. Right now, Taylor, you're still being in fighting shape. Kill Jake's mike, can we. Taylor, will you be wearing the bikini bottoms if you do lose?

[B]

If I do lose, sure. But I mean, we've got a head start at this point. As long as I keep going, it's not even close. Be hard to catch.

[C]

Hey, Taylor and Brian, can I pitch something? When is the next match?

[D]

We are.

[B]

Have not gotten that far ahead.

[C]

Okay, can we. And this is more of a question to Brian because I know Taylor's answer. Taylor's going to say, of course. Brian, will you play with Taylor and let him teach you a little bit?

[D]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not against that.

[D]

I don't mind it.

[B]

And I hope one day we can get a doubles match going. Me and Brian. Try and take somebody else down. Because Brian actually bonded over this now.

[C]

I think that's right. And I think you should train him to be better than you.

[B]

Well, you know, that's gonna be tough.

[C]

To do, but here's why I said, because in a couple, if every year it gets closer and closer and closer, you could enter a great zone in a couple of years.

[B]

Oh, sure. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. All right. So, guys, we appreciate you. We loved this call.

[D]

Sexy calendars of Steve Berg will be shipped to you.

[C]

Yeah, you're getting.

[D]

Don't worry.

[C]

You Know what we're gonna do? Brian, you said your in laws are not into this.

[D]

You're right, Jake.

[C]

Do they want a calendar?

[D]

We're giving them a calendar. We're giving them a calendar too.

[B]

Calendar.

[C]

If they don't like seeing you in your underpants, they surely won't like seeing Steve Berg pose. 12 times.

[D]

Are the Oprah of Steve Berg. Calendar.

[C]

You get a calendar. So, guys, you're gonna get a few calendars. We appreciate you. And follow up with us so we can know about the next match.

[D]

Love it, guys.

[B]

You guys are the best.

[D]

Thank you, guys.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

Bye. Great.

[B]

I'm up for the calendar. Let's do it.

[D]

What a great ending to this moment. Here we go. Animal Call. Ooh, Jake.

[B]

And the nominees for best animal call are. Aubrey, who fed her cat earwax.

[C]

Oh, right. You. You got a big old fat cat named Livy. It ate your earwax and you picked your ear and gave it to the cat.

[A]

Yeah, I was really curious to see if she'd eat it.

[B]

Mateo, who fell in love with a duck.

[C]

Mateo. Why the fuck are we talking about their ducks this season?

[B]

Because there was a day when Gandalf was climbing on me and I spotted it and it scared me and I.

[C]

Pushed him off and I sprinted. Why anger bring the audience up my staircase?

[B]

Rebecca, Sue, Susan and James. Who had raccoons eating out of their hands.

[D]

They might be 69ing. I've never seen a raccoon blowjob. Right?

[C]

No.

[D]

I don't know if they've been doing that.

[A]

Yeah, they could.

[B]

You never know.

[D]

C2 record 69.

[C]

Wow. Everybody's thoughts around the room. Starting with you two boys.

[D]

They. Oh, I know.

[C]

Yeah, Never mind.

[D]

Yeah, never mind.

[C]

Actually, you know too now.

[A]

Yeah. Morgan doesn't know.

[C]

Morgan Captain Morgan calendar. Morgan calendar girl.

[A]

Gandalf.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You know what? I know. I'm not sure. There's one that I feel like I'm surprised was not on this. Please. Mrs.

[C]

Gingerbread, I think she got the best song.

[A]

Is going crazy about that.

[C]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. They're like, where's Mrs. G? She wasn't nominated enough times for this category.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Oh, no way.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Then the nominees.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[A]

Email in.

[C]

Hey, hey, hey. Stop getting mad on Patreon.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

If you wanted her in, vote.

[D]

There you go. You're Obama. You're the Obama of the helpies.

[C]

Don't boo. Vote.

[D]

What do you think?

[C]

I don't think it's going to be Gandalf. Even though I think Gandalf would be mine. We got a lot of comments and emails about we hurt the duck.

[D]

It had a tough ending.

[C]

That they're like, you guys are doing that. You murdered the duck. But I don't think we murdered the duck. I just don't.

[D]

I don't.

[C]

I loved that story. And I love that duck.

[D]

I love that duck's penis. Go ahead.

[C]

Merch.

[D]

No.

[C]

He'S a merch machine today. That merch is. I love the hedge penis. Gareth Reynolds.

[D]

Me next to a duck.

[C]

What do you think?

[D]

I don't. I don't think it's the raccoons.

[C]

The raccoons was such a good call.

[D]

It was correct.

[A]

It may.

[D]

It might be. I. I think the earwax. Cat.

[C]

Earx was such.

[D]

That activated you in a way.

[C]

Yeah. That was the first time.

[D]

I think I probably said five words.

[C]

That was the first time I got mad.

[D]

You were furious.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So I feel like people will be responding to that. I feel like it will be earwax. Cat, what about you?

[C]

I'm good. I'm going against what I said. I'm going Gandalf.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

I thought he also made that beautiful video.

[D]

It was all. It was a sign.

[C]

It was the beginning of season two. That was great.

[D]

Absolutely.

[C]

And the winner for best animal call. Look at Natalie's face.

[A]

So look at me.

[C]

So excited. And she knows.

[D]

She knows she killed it.

[C]

The winner is. Mateo.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Man, am I excited. Joining on Zoom Wow. Dying for a follow up. And guess what, everybody? It's gonna be sad. We're not gonna know what's going on with that duck.

[D]

Maybe not. Hey, guys.

[C]

What's up?

[D]

You've won a helpy for best animal.

[C]

Also, Mateo, I'm seeing dinosaur stuff in the background.

[D]

Jake, please.

[C]

Have you not contacted Rob Miranda?

[D]

I mean, this is so the. I have not.

[C]

The guy's a dinosaur sculpting expert.

[D]

Mateo.

[C]

Oh, we gotta connect you to Matteo.

[D]

Yes. Probably be buying you a raptor, but fill that place up. Let's easy does it, mateo.

[C]

You've got 500 dinos.

[D]

Okay, just easy does it now, Jake. Just lock in the pocket.

[C]

Okay, so this is intense coffee. This cold brew ain't no joke, Jack.

[D]

Jake's drunk and he sees. And he sees cocaine.

[C]

I got this.

[D]

No, you need more dinosaur.

[C]

How does it call? I'm king.

[D]

If you could block Jake's voice out, that'll be really helpful for the rest of this. How does it feel to win a helpy? And did you think you'd win? And is there an update for us?

[C]

Hold on really bad ending, but great for the first four fifths.

[D]

I'm worried about.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, you are?

[C]

That's what it was.

[D]

Concern entered my mind.

[C]

Yeah. Understood.

[D]

Merch. It is a tremendous honor to win this podcast, and my time on here has been truly pretty awesome. Probably one of the greatest parts of this entire year.

[C]

Well, that's great to hear, man, because you crushed it.

[D]

Yes. Oh, hey, man.

[C]

And your video crushed it.

[D]

Yes. Oh, I am. I am extremely glad that you guys, like, in. Enjoyed it. I did ask a few people around my apartment complex. A few people said that they did spot him, but I have personally not that'll do.

[C]

Ever. Hold on.

[D]

Let's come across him again.

[C]

Let me get crystal clear on this. The original call was you wanted the duck to stop humping your leg and getting weird with you.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

We pitched. I can't even remember.

[D]

We pitched duck costume. We pitched faux duck to put on his porch like he's seeing other ducks.

[C]

And Mattel, what did you do again?

[D]

So I put a. Like a. Not exactly like a stuffed animal, but I put, like a stuffed.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Stuffed duck out.

[C]

Okay, great. And the point is, the duck stopped messing with you. People in the building have seen it.

[D]

Ring the bell, ring 100 bells.

[C]

When did somebody say to you. And please don't lie, I can't deal with this level of excitement.

[D]

You're honest with us. You're getting five raptors for the background, buddy. All right. It was about one month after our last.

[C]

Great. Which means. That's huge. Which means you. And we did not kill the duck.

[D]

The duck ghosted you. We did not kill.

[C]

It worked.

[D]

He went. Yes.

[C]

Guys, got somebody else.

[D]

All right, I get it. You're in a thing.

[C]

You, too. Don't worry, I'll put this weird dick onto somebody else.

[D]

I got a pig's tail as a dick. I'll figure it out.

[C]

Well, this is huge news.

[D]

Yeah. Mateo, where are you gonna put the calendar? Because you're getting a Steve Berg sexy calendar. Your background looks pretty. Oh, yeah. You're getting one, buddy. Oh, my God. But your background looks pretty. It's pretty crowded. Are we gonna be able to get in that background there? If I'm getting a Steve calendar, I will take down King.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So the quote is, Steve Berg took down King Kong Dream. Yeah. That's good news.

[C]

Well, listen, you're a king. We love you. We love the call. Thank you. Follow up if you hear anything about this duck again. And. Okay, you know you're getting a calendar. My man. Congratulations on the huge win. Awesome.

[D]

I just want to say, you guys are absolutely incredible. I love this podcast. And again, just. Yeah, you guys are.

[C]

You're a big part of it, buddy. Thank you.

[D]

Thank you, Mateo. Appreciate it, buddy.

[C]

You know what I think we should do?

[D]

That was great.

[C]

Great. Some really.

[D]

That's. There's a genuine relief there.

[C]

Agreed. By the way, I'm not making a joke. I presented at the Spike Choice Awards, and it was. At that moment, it was Damon and I.

[D]

As I was just for let's Be Cops.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. As I was on stage, I was like, awards are stupid.

[D]

That. There.

[C]

There's a stupid. I don't want to do this anymore.

[D]

There really was a time when there was, like, so many and people were showing up. Remember Cable Ace Awards?

[C]

No, but I'm sure. What does that even mean, cable?

[D]

It was like a big. It was like a Emmy. People took it seriously.

[C]

They take Blockbuster seriously. That's Google Blockbuster Awards red carpet.

[D]

What? You got a popcorn thing, didn't you? I mean, the MTV Awards gave you a popcorn thing, but I think.

[C]

I think it was like a blockboard Blockbuster box. You know what we should do? We should create a fake award show.

[D]

And we have Jake.

[C]

All right, next spoiler.

[D]

Look around.

[C]

This is real. All right, next one we have.

[B]

And the nominees for best follow up are. Tom, our first intern. So I had been in a psych ward, and I needed a really cool story to tell at school, so we.

[D]

Made up the story that I had.

[B]

Been an intern, and it went pretty well. Zach, who made his friends shit in the woods within the next five minutes. There were, you know, we were. We were half a group, really.

[D]

So you. You really had three go off and have to take wild shits in the place that gave you your problem from the beginning?

[B]

Absolutely. It's. It's one of my. It's one of my greatest success stories. Mr. Hot takes, what's your.

[C]

What's your hot take on? Fruits.

[B]

See, now there is a hot take on fruit. Fruit. I, I. Strawberries.

[D]

Great.

[B]

Honeydew. Melon.

[C]

Fantastic.

[B]

Watermelon. Get out of town, honey.

[D]

Do.

[C]

If it's not Mr. Hot Take.

[D]

Has to be now. I got to say, the first two are great, though.

[C]

All of our follow ups. The follow ups are such a big part of why I love this show.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Mr. Hot takes is in a league.

[D]

I mean, Mr. We. We talk about, like, if we get asked on stuff about a cult, we talk, we bring up Hot Takes.

[C]

Schools are doing. His schools are.

[D]

It's been franchised. All right, so here we Go. So what? Who is the winner?

[C]

Oh, who's the winner?

[D]

Yeah. Jesus, you are so coffee drunk.

[C]

Yeah, I'm high as it's you.

[D]

Follow up, here we go.

[C]

And the winner, the pride. We know. I don't have to open it, Mr. Hot Takes.

[D]

Well, why don't you just.

[C]

I'll open it.

[D]

You are hammered energy right now. This is.

[C]

This is.

[D]

This is rustic in at 2:00pm you're not wrong.

[C]

Mr. Hot Takes.

[D]

Yeah, there you go. Well, I mean, we just did it just to be sure.

[C]

Go join in on Zoom. Let's bring the king out, you guys. You, sir.

[B]

What an exciting win. I can't. I am excited to win also because I wore the jacket in case. Cake prepared. Brought myself this. And about five minutes ago, I got really worried that if I didn't win, I would have to, in a walk of shame in front of the entire school, walk us back to the trophy case with a Hot Take jacket and explain, I didn't win.

[D]

Is there any part of you that thought you wouldn't win, though? I mean, we knew you. We have heralded you the intern.

[B]

You guys did such a good job.

[C]

The intern was special.

[B]

Yeah, I thought the intern. And it's also a real short window because when you guys give someone a kidney, there's no way I'm beating.

[C]

I agree. I guarantee, if that happens, you're old news.

[D]

Yeah. So enjoy it now.

[C]

Now, Mr. Hot Takes, what's your hot take on the helpies and you winning?

[B]

Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to tell my students first. I'm going to ask them if they know what the Nobel Prize is.

[C]

Very good.

[B]

And from there, say, basically, this is the Nobel Prize. It is podcasting, and it's kind of.

[C]

The biggest award in podcasting.

[B]

I think it is. I mean, look at the size of this thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It is a shame that you're holding up a huge trophy and we're sending you a calendar, but I get you.

[C]

Wait, I've got a question for you, Mr. Hot Takes. We're obviously sending you a signed calendar. The Steve Berg calendar is your victory. Is it appropriate to put it in your classroom? Yes.

[B]

Oh, well, I'll tell you guys. I'm on your Patreon, and I already bought two calendars for bits. In the first calendar I bought for a bit, I'm filling out with the school schedule and hanging up in the teacher's room right by the mailbox.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

But we're sending you two more for more bits.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, that's great. Because I'm also buying some frames and seeing how many houses I can sneak them into.

[C]

We're gonna send you far more.

[D]

Do you want 150 calendars?

[B]

Actually, I knew it was going to be a calendar and I had an idea for you guys. Now that it's signed, I was going to say you guys could look up. You guys know Steve Berg's address, obviously. Just pick a random house, like a street over, drop into the mail with that person with a note that says, happy Holidays, neighbors.

[C]

That is so funny.

[D]

The greatest idea.

[C]

We could do every house on his block.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And just as a holiday gift. Mr. Hot takes. That's the funniest pitch.

[D]

It's.

[C]

Of all the calendar pitches, I really.

[D]

I don't know how else to put this, but we've missed you. We've missed the energy.

[C]

Holy shit. Mr.

[D]

Height takes.

[B]

You guys have turned. I love bits. You've been able to turn the bit into something that's helpful in my class.

[C]

But Mr. Hot Takes, that's next level.

[D]

Why don't we just do a few at the adjacent neighbors?

[C]

The directly next door and across the street.

[D]

And across the street. It's awesome.

[C]

Oh, my God. You know, you get like holiday cards.

[D]

Happy holidays, you know, Let me know how you like it.

[C]

We'll sign. We'll sign them as him. We'll write on the COVID Yes. Happy holidays. Hope you have a great new year. Steve Berg.

[D]

Let me know what you think of.

[C]

This with your eye contact me know.

[D]

Which one's your favorite.

[C]

Let me know which one's your. Hey, have a good December.

[D]

Thanks for watching.

[C]

Thanks for watching.

[D]

What a hot take, boy. Nobody's ever deserved this more.

[C]

So you've already outdone yourself. So I'm not putting pressure on you. You've already won huge. But any other hot Takes on the tip of that tongue of yours?

[B]

Well, you know, I thought I would think of some of the one students giving me this. My favorite this year so far has been Michael Jackson Isn't impressive.

[C]

Is not.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

He's not impressive.

[C]

That's. That's such a young person saying that.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

If you were alive in the 80s before the New stuff, the guy's the most impressive guy on Planet Earth 100.

[B]

What do you think? I yelled at the students?

[D]

Yeah, you can't yell it too loud at a school. Michael Jackson's the best. Everything he did was good.

[C]

Yeah, well, the way he glides on stage is pretty good.

[B]

I made sure he was talking musically and not personally. It's really out of agreement.

[C]

The way the man moves his body. Tell me that's not important.

[D]

It's not moving anymore. But that's a good one.

[C]

The way the man moved his body.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And then another one I really enjoyed was dark. Nobody actually likes dark chocolate. They just say to sound sophisticated.

[C]

I agree with that. Hot take.

[D]

Great hot take.

[B]

And then. Can I just show you how often I. You guys are on my mind in this classroom. I'm just going to turn my camera to Gareth. I think I stole the title from you. But there is the Wall of Flames.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Wow, that is awesome.

[B]

Every picture.

[D]

Every.

[B]

Every time we take a picture, having.

[D]

Him as a teacher. How awesome it would be. Love it.

[C]

Well, Let me say, Mr. Hot Checks, we love you. You have been one of the reasons this show is so enjoyable. We've done about 250 of these and without people like you calling in with energy, Gareth and I would be bored of each other.

[D]

No, we. We love you. Like, you're so great even coming in with the Steve I know.

[C]

But everybody from the this community, they'll pitch things that are greater than we'll go like. Well, anything that now we can do.

[D]

Yep. Thank you. Hot takes. Thank you.

[C]

Thanks, Mr. H. Dr.

[D]

Hot Takes. Bye, buddy. Bye. The best boy.

[C]

Shocking.

[D]

Shocking.

[C]

Wow. Emotional.

[D]

That is. That is. I feel a little.

[C]

Me too.

[D]

Feel something.

[C]

I feel something.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow. These the best, by the way. What a great idea. Let's do that. For sure.

[D]

Yeah. We just have to look.

[A]

Those will go out today.

[C]

Yes. That's a top priority.

[D]

But we've got it. Will you sign it? Tell me which ones you're.

[C]

We'll sign it.

[D]

Yeah. Anyone can say it's not his signature. It's not notarized. It doesn't matter if anyone sign it. We're doing it as bird.

[C]

That's true. All right. Best song. I'd be careful with this cold brew, brother.

[D]

Yeah. I mean, it's strong talk to you.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. Say that to you.

[C]

I'm just letting you know.

[D]

Yeah. Even just.

[C]

It's like liquid cocaine, brother.

[D]

Yeah, Some I can tell you.

[C]

I gotta get out here.

[D]

No gambling today. Do you hear me?

[C]

You're not my boss. Yeah.

[D]

Do not gamble today.

[C]

You're not my dad. My dad's dead, so. Sir, I'm going right to Commerce.

[D]

No, you do not go to bike.

[C]

I'm going to Hollywood.

[D]

You're not going to bike and you're not going to Commerce. Look at your foot.

[C]

You're not my dad.

[D]

What's wrong with your foot? It's like.

[B]

All in.

[C]

Yeah, let's go. What do you guys want to do?

[D]

Hey, we need to get more people on Patreon asap. Jake, where are you? I'm in a bad spot, but I'm. Logistically, I can't tell you where.

[C]

Hey, Morgan, how many of those calendars have sold? I'm gonna do one. I'm gonna do.

[D]

I'm gonna sell them outside of the casino for a little while, get some chip money.

[C]

All right, what's the next one?

[D]

Here we go.

[C]

Let's try again.

[D]

There we go.

[B]

And the nominees for best song are. The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread. Music and lyrics by Irene.

[D]

Music and lyrics.

[C]

And this is done at weddings. This thing has.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Gone through it. I like it.

[D]

I love it.

[B]

22Nd pilot, music by 21 pilots.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Lyrics by Ben.

[D]

The songs out the wedding are great, great. But my taste in music's on the stage. In a taste makes a PowerPoint to show you how.

[B]

Don't cry for Me, Argentina. Music and lyrics by Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice. Performed by Aaron Gareth and Judd Apatow.

[D]

For Detroit lion tickets. Okay.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Don't cry for me, Argentina the truth.

[D]

Is I never left you all through.

[B]

My wild days My mad existence I kept my promise don't keep your distance Boy.

[D]

Boy, that was a wild one.

[A]

She got a lot of nominations.

[D]

Shocking.

[C]

I mean. And the winner. We don't have to guess, do we?

[D]

I mean, just open it just to be safe, but.

[C]

And the winner is. Mrs. Gingerbread House.

[D]

It is Mrs. Gingerbread. Okay.

[C]

Joining a. Irene Joining on Zoom. Let's bring God. Agreed. Thank God.

[A]

Hello.

[C]

I mean, hey, you've won.

[A]

Thank you so much. I. I think people knew I was for the people and jumping right in. I'm so grateful to you all.

[C]

Well, I think not only are we grateful for you and your song, but people at weddings have been.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Which is crazy. Did you ever think that this song would kind of move around the world the way it has?

[A]

I did not. But in hindsight, I really.

[C]

And how. How does that make you feel when you're looking at your cat thinking that people dance to this at weddings? People have played it at home. People have admitted they listen to it daily.

[D]

That's crazy.

[A]

I mean, it makes sense to me. She is a star. I want to dedicate this to her. I do want to dedicate this to Derek, though. We did break up, and I'm gonna have to ask you to unring the bell.

[C]

Why? Well, you didn't know. Hold on. Let the woman speak.

[A]

Since the episode aired, Derek and I broke up. I am unemployed and now living with my parents. So I'm gonna ask Irene.

[D]

Irene? Listen, we're not Irene, I. Did you hear?

[C]

We're gonna send you a calendar.

[D]

Jake, not now. Jesus Christ. Read the room.

[C]

All right, Irene, so this is interesting.

[D]

But I, I, I, I mean, I. You feel like it's the Mrs. Gingerbread situation that got you to this point? You're willing to put the culpability on us and the show?

[A]

I think so.

[D]

I think. Tell you what. We're sending you two calendars.

[C]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[D]

We didn't murder the duck, by the way. Go ahead.

[C]

Hold on. We didn't murder the duck. The ducks alive. Irene, walk us through what happened here, pal.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to air anyone's dirty laundry, but it just. It didn't work out. And he's wonderful, and she's wonderful.

[C]

You don't have the cat anymore.

[A]

She's Derek's cat.

[C]

Holy.

[D]

Oh, boy. We got to get this cat.

[C]

Holy.

[D]

Drink two of those. We're going to get the goddamn cat. Do you hear me?

[C]

So you write a fucking banger and then ballad. You include his ass in it? Because I know he was a music guy.

[A]

He was half of the magic, but he was.

[D]

The whole reason we got this song is because of his attitude.

[C]

He wasn't half the magic. He wasn't half the magic.

[D]

Yeah, he wasn't.

[C]

He wasn't half the magic. He wasn't half the magic.

[D]

This is like. It's not your fault. In Goodwill hunting.

[C]

He wasn't half the magic.

[D]

Irene. You gotta cry soon.

[A]

You guys were. You were there to help, but. But then you weren't. It's okay. We all have failures and you don't take the calendar.

[D]

What the hell is wrong with you?

[C]

I'm sending two to Derek.

[D]

What is in this coffee? Who are you?

[C]

You're out.

[D]

What are you doing?

[C]

The cat gets one. He gets one. You're out.

[D]

Your mouth didn't even know how to do that.

[C]

You're not in the will anymore.

[D]

Mouth rejected your brain there.

[C]

So your parents have an animal.

[A]

They don't.

[C]

You gonna get another cat?

[D]

You want a duck?

[A]

I mean, I think I'm their animal now.

[D]

I'll tell you what, Irene. This. This has been a bizarre and yet also kind of downer call. But look, you're getting a calendar. It looks like there's a fridge behind you. It might go great up there.

[C]

I'm not ready to move on. When did this thing fall apart.

[A]

It's been falling apart. It's been falling apart.

[C]

I sensed it. What were the two jobs you had and what kind of work are you looking for? In what area? In.

[A]

I had an evil AI job and a human rights job. Looking for anything, really. I mean, bit comedic roles, stock photo model. I can. You pay me, and I can pretend to be normal.

[C]

I don't think she can.

[A]

Because you promised me you were gonna be normal.

[D]

I don't think you can put that on your resume.

[A]

I didn't see you there, so I thought maybe. Natalie's not here.

[D]

She's clearly ready to talk.

[C]

I mean, I don't know. Maybe here. Maybe you want to be in a calendar.

[A]

What?

[D]

Jake.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. We might put you with the guy who played pickleball.

[D]

We'll sidebar on the next calendar because again, I don't think you're writing it. I think of beverages. Irene, whereabouts are you located if people want to reach out and have you pretend to be a human for Boston area.

[A]

Boston area.

[D]

All right.

[C]

Well, in closing, we're going to send you some calendars.

[D]

In closing, we'll send you 44 calendars. How about that? Make you feel good.

[C]

What would you like to say to Mrs. Gingerbread?

[A]

I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread. I love you so much. I always will. Nothing will change that. I love you so much. I wrote a ballad about you. I've been written a ballad about anyone else. And Derek, you're such a wonderful person, and I really wish you the best. And I think you're amazing.

[C]

Do you want him back?

[A]

No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go my own way.

[C]

So. Yeah, the thing you said about him wasn't totally true. You're like, jake, do you want.

[D]

Mrs. Jim, it's an award show.

[C]

She changed the vibe, not me.

[D]

You've been. You've been the conductor of the vibe the whole time.

[C]

No way. Not with her. With Mr. H. We were getting emotional.

[D]

Stop pointing at her. Go ahead.

[A]

I want Mississippi in my life. I want her in my life. But Dee and I are taking a little break, and then we're gonna be platonic friends in the future.

[D]

Great. That's exciting.

[C]

I'd like to take a little break.

[D]

From g. Okey dokey. Look, Irene, thank you for calling. We're gonna send you 44 calendars. You can sell them on the street corner like a newsy. But we appre. The song is great.

[C]

Such a banger.

[D]

I have merch. We have merch of the. The. The song. It's Just been really great.

[C]

Any, any other songs you thinking about in the cooking in the back of your head?

[A]

We have Nobody loves her, Nobody Loves you Like Me on The Spotify by Mrs. Ginger and the breads. Maybe in the future we'll do some more Mrs. Ginger in the bread sounds.

[D]

That sounds great.

[C]

Well, we appreciate you. You truly do deserve this win.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

And I have to say this officially, going forward, a caller cannot unring the bell. It is a bell ring for us.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Because the thing was you wanted to be able to do it around him. You did. What happened between you two kids after, we can't control that.

[A]

And I mean this is just. I just want to say this is perfect timing because my dad has a doctor's appointment on Zoom, so I have to go anywhere.

[C]

Goodbye.

[D]

Happy holidays.

[C]

Irena, say hi to dad. Actually, tell your dad to get on and we'll be the doctors. We'll confuse him.

[D]

Goodbye, Irene. That's a goodbye officially. Wow. Bravo. All right, here we go. And this is guest helper. This is exciting.

[B]

And the nominees for best Guest helper are. Cat Reitman.

[A]

Christmas time.

[C]

I mean, if one of these is here, it's not going to be short.

[A]

Santa Marlowe. Do we celebrate Hanukkah?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Even though for the record, I'm a Jewish fish now, I am not going anywhere. I'm staying where I am.

[D]

And if I have to bite, I will.

[B]

Lamorne Morris.

[D]

So we really do wish you the best. Lamorn, you got anything? Yeah, shout out to Deacon Jones in the back.

[B]

You gotta call me. You gotta call me. You owe me something.

[C]

He is so funny.

[D]

I'll take payment soon.

[B]

Venmo works.

[D]

I, I.

[B]

Listen, don't think cuz you had a wedding that I wasn't going to run up on you.

[D]

I love you and I know there's.

[B]

A wedding, but I need my stuff. Deacon. Justin Long.

[C]

Come on. Your hair.

[B]

You have the perfect head shape to this bollocks.

[C]

What are you talking about?

[A]

No, really, I'm, I'm being fully honest.

[D]

I've never seen you look more youthful than just then.

[C]

You're teasing me, aren't you?

[D]

No, I'm really not.

[A]

I promise.

[D]

You're having a go.

[C]

Man.

[D]

Who do you think. I mean, we, we talk about all of these people as the best.

[C]

Yeah, but there's so many more too.

[D]

I, I do think Justin, with his performances on the show, interesting by a hair because he's very good at the acting out. I would say, I would say Justin by the slimmest of hairs.

[C]

Captain Morgan or Calendar Girl.

[A]

I'm pissed. I mean, I'm Michael. Sarah is my favorite.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Mike was a favorite episode all season.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You should have nominated him.

[C]

Yeah. There's a lot of people who didn't get. But Mike was great. Natalie. You know, I'm gonna go Lamorne. I do think the house of this show was slightly built by Lamorne Morris.

[D]

You're not wrong.

[C]

Our numbers.

[D]

We started.

[C]

It was really slow.

[D]

The wedding speech.

[C]

That first. That one popped.

[D]

That felt like it was written and.

[C]

That felt like, oh, now we all know what the show is.

[D]

Yeah, I agree.

[C]

So.

[D]

So you're going Lamorne.

[B]

Cat, right, Man.

[C]

Not mad at Cat right now at all.

[D]

Oh, my Lord.

[C]

The video.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Cat high. Oh.

[A]

Oh. Your girl won. What's that? What's that? Justin Lamorne. Suck it. Eat it. Your girl won.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

Best Guest Helper. In your face. And let's be honest, I'm helping. I am helping.

[C]

Gareth. Jake.

[A]

You know, I'm out here giving it my all. Regular Mother Teresa type.

[C]

Just passing out soup.

[A]

What's that? Soup kitchen. You need help? No problem. Helping.

[D]

Guys.

[A]

You make a hell of a show. It is a pleasure to be on it. It is so much fun. I love you both.

[D]

Happy holidays to all. Thank you for this incredible award.

[A]

Does that come in the mail? Do I have to come pick it up?

[C]

I hope I don't have to come pick it up.

[D]

That'll make her feel.

[C]

Could you send it?

[D]

She'll regret saying that.

[C]

Yeah, we'll send it.

[D]

Once she gets a Steve Bird calendar in the mail.

[C]

She'll like it.

[D]

She'll be like, what the hell is this? Yeah.

[C]

Absolutely nothing but love.

[D]

Fits in the best. She is the best.

[C]

All right, next one.

[D]

Oh, that's a big one.

[A]

These last two are the. The Big.

[C]

The Best Caller and Top Call.

[D]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

And the nominees for Best Caller are.

[C]

Great.

[B]

Regina in Finger Foods at the Orgy.

[D]

Oh, wow.

[C]

I'm gonna say you're gonna have three great sessions before that baby comes. Gareth, you want the over and under on that?

[D]

Would you take. Take three sessions, Regina? Would that. You'd be up for that.

[C]

We're betting on the session. She has.

[B]

Apologies. Heather in Smart People. RR Kryptonite.

[D]

How's your wife?

[A]

I mean, your cat.

[B]

In spray mess.

[D]

One is Mexican. His name is Roberto. He doesn't speak a lick of English. He has nine fingers. It is incredible.

[C]

You're living a wild life.

[B]

Kate in Long Island. Lisa.

[A]

That was so nice of you, Mommy. Thanks. Lisa. Can I color with you guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, awesome.

[C]

Great follow up.

[B]

Paige in mannequin for Dennehy.

[C]

Literally. You just put it in front of the store and took a photo.

[A]

Well, we were trying.

[C]

My husband and I, we were trying.

[D]

To see a store that wasn't open at the time.

[B]

We could just like Professor Dr. T, squeeze in copper tone style.

[D]

So why don't you guys want to know my memoir?

[B]

Nothing like that. What kind of animal I'd suck off in the jungle?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

What?

[C]

I don't get animal.

[D]

I'd suck up.

[C]

I have a guess.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Who do you think?

[D]

I mean, it's obviously there's. It's an embarrassment of riches. We were losing our mind. Like when Paige did the.

[C]

Yes, we were.

[D]

I mean, that was really an exceptional caller move.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So it feels like maybe the problem wasn't as big, but her solve really was where it started.

[C]

I gotta say. I'm not. There's too many for me.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I think this is a fun part. Why Everybody gets a calendar. And even people who aren't nominated should get them.

[B]

What?

[D]

People who didn't win? People who were nominated.

[C]

Everybody who called.

[D]

I don't think we have enough for that.

[C]

I'll order more.

[D]

Jake, you're in the weird phase of the coffee right now because you're kind of crashing.

[C]

I'll buy a million calendar.

[D]

I don't think you understand the money that that's.

[C]

I'm gonna sell my house. All right, so which one is his best caller?

[A]

Yeah, best caller.

[C]

I don't. Do you have a guess?

[D]

Paige?

[C]

And the winner is. Connor.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

And I think that's fair.

[D]

I'm not surprised.

[C]

Connor absolutely murdered.

[D]

Well, the world building with Connor is.

[C]

For so many episodes, and then he guessed it on a couple. Can we. He's got an audio message.

[D]

Yeah, we got a acceptance speech.

[A]

So he's a teacher now, so he couldn't join us.

[D]

Fair.

[C]

Fair. I'm happy he's teaching. We should connect him with Mr. Edge.

[D]

This is Connor. Thank you so much. I can't believe that I won the helpy here. I want to thank Gareth and Jake for giving me the opportunity to be on a few of these calls here. I hope you guys were able to get a few laughs out of my interesting situation there in the Airbnb. I'm here to tell you that you too can win a helpy. If you end up signing up for a random Airbnb and moving across the country and then everything goes wrong and it becomes a very interesting situation that could Be you next time. You can win that healthy my life update for you guys. He's growing up is I'm actually gonna be moving to Texas starting next year. So that's a big change. Don't know anybody there.

[C]

He's crazy.

[D]

So this could also be.

[C]

This is gonna go sideways.

[D]

Something interesting.

[C]

I thought he had it all together as his new daughter.

[D]

I don't have a roommate this time around so I won't be able to give you any more updates on that.

[C]

He will.

[D]

But if something does happen down there, I'm definitely be calling again.

[C]

We need to follow.

[D]

Thank you guys.

[C]

Sometime October of next year. It's gonna be some crazy stuff.

[D]

I'm.

[C]

He hasn't grown up.

[D]

You're talking very fast.

[B]

I'm.

[D]

I'm gonna be in Texas in April.

[C]

So what?

[D]

Maybe I can go see. Well, maybe he said next year.

[C]

Oh, that's interesting.

[D]

Two weeks.

[C]

Yeah. Texas is big.

[D]

What's going on?

[C]

Top call.

[D]

Texas is big. You really have not let me open one of those since the beginning.

[C]

No, I had to change your tone.

[D]

But you.

[C]

You realize we couldn't do the whole show.

[D]

Is that you're on cocaine.

[C]

No, it was a choice. You were playing to a non existent studio audience.

[D]

They're there. That's just what the Oscars are.

[C]

I know but I couldn't do that for the full hour.

[D]

I get it. I think it won't top call.

[B]

And the nominees for Top Call are. Chris, who bought his boss tickets to an ostrich farm.

[C]

Yeah, I don't think tickets to go.

[D]

To Solvent called this is gonna be weird. It's ostrich land usa.

[B]

Emma, who masturbated while cat sitting.

[A]

So when I get there I am catching so excited. I get to just be a human for an entire week. And of course that consists of just near constant masturbation.

[B]

Robert, whose brother might not be circumcised.

[D]

I mean you can.

[B]

You can take your pants off.

[D]

God damn. We're brother. We're brothers.

[B]

Thinking the same thing. Angelica, whose haunted doll dolls look like Jake and Garrett.

[C]

Look at the big fat baby.

[D]

These are. You got a new nickname. You got a new nickname. Little weird guy.

[B]

Big fat baby Stone who does not have a foot fetish.

[C]

What can we do?

[B]

Yeah, so my friends think I have a foot fetish, but I most definitely.

[D]

Do not have a foot fetish.

[C]

Okay. Thanks for the call, my man. We'll about talk do really?

[B]

So clearly as a fetish who leaves stains on his towels in the sauna. You emailing into a Podcast about my dirty.

[C]

And I'm not going to try everything, Nick. I'm wrong. You're.

[B]

Honestly, I'm offended.

[C]

Come on, Jake, who's your guess?

[D]

These are some. I mean, there's some throwbacks. Ostrich guy was probably like. Like, you know, first two sessions. Yeah.

[C]

I.

[D]

It's hard. It. I. I think I'm going to go. Nick. I just think the stains were.

[C]

Yeah, it was.

[D]

But also when I. When she says constantly masturbating that I. I'm going.

[C]

I. The Greenfield one. The Circumcision.

[D]

Also a great one there. Great options, buddy. You're. Damn it. What a tease. All right, here we go. Top Call.

[C]

Hey, Gareth. Do it the way you want to.

[D]

No.

[C]

Do it the way you want to. No.

[D]

Because next year I won't be able to do it.

[C]

Just don't try to be cute for the girls. Just do it the way you want to do it.

[D]

And the winner of Top Call and rounding out the first annual helpies is Robert Circumcision. We're not sure if he'll be calling or not. Do we know if we have him?

[A]

He wouldn't commit and he is not here.

[C]

But what a win.

[D]

What a win.

[C]

Gray call. Oh, he doesn't get a calendar.

[A]

I did tell him he won. I was getting a calendar, begging him for an audience.

[D]

Was there a response at all?

[A]

Yes, there was.

[D]

He just has. He's moved on, I guess.

[C]

Let's hear what it is.

[A]

I said. I sent him a pretty desperate message, I'm not gonna lie.

[D]

That's so funny.

[C]

Please. What'd he say?

[A]

He said. Oh, wow. Really? That's crazy. Send me the number to call and I'll try to find time.

[C]

Wow. Respect. But guess what? It's not.

[D]

We probably don't even have his address, so we can't send him account.

[C]

But here's the reality. Great call. All of them were. Thank you to everybody who did call in. Yes, the Helpies were smash. They will be annual.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

This is great.

[D]

Great. January to January, fun to. I mean, you forget how many crazy this show is.

[C]

So now we've got a very special moment. Rob Miranda, your best friend, he's in.

[A]

The Patreon right now too. Listening.

[C]

Rob, we gotta get. Will we connect you to the duck guy? Mateo?

[A]

I asked him if he would make a Gandalf for him.

[C]

Yeah, you guys should connect though, in a real way. But Rob, we're about to see the thing.

[D]

It's exciting.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

What's the best camera for this here?

[D]

Oh, My God. Oh, my God. I mean, it's like he's getting put in Canton. This is like his bust in the hall of fame. I mean, this is shocking.

[C]

What do you. Walk me through all your thoughts?

[D]

Can't. What the fuck is happening? What has happened? I mean, what. What's going through you right now? You're drunk on coffee.

[C]

I'll tell you what.

[D]

You're holding your best friend's head.

[C]

I'll tell you what's going through me is. This is. Taking. The calendar thing has been a really intense bit. This is. We're entering a world. I don't know what we're doing.

[D]

Yeah. We're wrapping out the year with. This is. This is.

[C]

Why do.

[D]

We're in Total Recall now.

[C]

Why do we have a 3D sculpture?

[D]

The idea that you're asking.

[C]

I mean, I love it, Rob, as always. You crushed it. We're gonna figure out what we're gonna do with it. It might live back there. Apex Rex for flightless bird in ours. Whatever. We're in studio. It might go home with me. It might go home with Gareth.

[D]

It's not going home with me.

[C]

It's not.

[A]

Not.

[D]

No, no. I can. For sure. I would love it. Yeah. I mean, we could pass it around a little bit. We could share it around.

[C]

We could pass.

[D]

Spread the wealth.

[A]

There's two more things.

[C]

Oh, there are?

[A]

Yeah. Pictures.

[C]

When you're ready. Yeah, we're ready.

[A]

Do you want Steve to sit next.

[C]

To you in this chair? No, it's fine right here. All right, what's next? Whoa.

[D]

If you're curious, kind of like, oh.

[C]

My gosh, it's a planter.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[C]

That's going home with me. I'm putting that in my.

[D]

Yelling.

[C]

I'm putting that in my backyard with a plant coming out of its head.

[D]

Absolute. I mean, unbelievable.

[C]

Rob, your Christmas gift for Aaron.

[D]

The thing is, Berg would love this.

[C]

Hand it to me.

[D]

Berg would love this, so. Oh, I could put my heirloom tomatoes in my own head.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

If I grew fresh basil out of myself, how good would that be?

[C]

Yeah, that has to.

[D]

I can make a pesto for Susie and I out of my own brain.

[C]

Holy.

[D]

Unreal. Looks like it's from Greece.

[C]

Yes, it does.

[A]

And last thing.

[C]

Yeah. Jesus Christ.

[D]

Oh, my God. You got a keychain of Berg's head. Rob. Rob. Remember when Rob called and his problem was his wife was upset at how much he was obsessed with dinosaurs? He's now making keychains of Berg's head. Holy.

[A]

Have one of those yes.

[C]

Whoever wants. You know, by the way, we could send these to one of the winners.

[D]

I was just gonna say, you know what? Next year if we want incredible, we could make little berg trophies. And that is the helpy.

[C]

If you wanted, by the way, you know what we could do? We'll rob, let's do a deal next year.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

We're gonna commission little bergs. And for the help statue. That's the statue.

[D]

That little Birgie guy with a little body.

[A]

So he also sent these pictures. So when he was making Burke. That's his kid's birthday party.

[D]

We should probably talk to Rob's wife at some point, maybe do a check in.

[C]

See, that's gonna be an unringing of the bell.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Incredible.

[A]

And then making bird.

[D]

Wow. With the no eyes. That's a incredible zombie.

[A]

There's one more. Was there? Oh, the last one's the best one.

[C]

Just great.

[D]

Man.

[A]

Is it coming?

[C]

Are we obsessed with Steve?

[A]

There it is. That's Rob's wife watching.

[D]

You know what? Oh my God.

[C]

Cuddling.

[D]

By the way, Jake.

[C]

Yeah, I.

[D]

If you want to have a framed picture, I mean, that's a pretty good frame.

[C]

That's pretty good.

[D]

Well, I mean, what else? Can we say? Thank you to all the callers. Thank you to everyone who worked on this here at Rabbit Grinu.

[C]

What a win. And thank you to you, G. Thank.

[D]

You to you, Jake.

[C]

It's been a ton of fun.

[D]

The best. Thank you to everybody and we're excited. There we go. Closing out the help piece.

[A]

Hi there, this is Stephanie. I am a long time listener and I listen to your podcast religiously. I just finished episode 240 and you jokingly said we're here to wed. And it made me laugh because I'm a local wedding planner in Ontario, Canada, and I would be thrilled and overjoyed to help out this couple in Florida. If someone can fly me there, I would be happy to plan or coordinate for them. Especially if Danny J. Is gonna be our lovely officiate. I thought it's just so lovely and funny that this community, you know, it supports anybody for a wedding or for a kidney transplant or even a creepy doll in some museum. So I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring and offer that up should anybody need it.

[C]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[B]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Holland, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

[D]

Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdyke. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelppod.

[D]

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer.

[A]

Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just.

[B]

Just talk?

[A]

Yeah, we're best friends. We talk, and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends.

[D]

We are professional friends.

[A]

Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week.

[C]

Week.

[A]

I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. Okay. I was trying to be supportive.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But I was like, I don't know.

[C]

Reading seems pretty hard right now.

[A]

It's a lot.

[D]

I think.

[B]

You did good.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[D]

You're welcome.