"We're Here to Help" – Episode 242: The 1st Annual Helpies

Release Date: December 22, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds | Produced by Headgum

Overview

This special episode brings listeners the inaugural “Helpies”—a tongue-in-cheek awards show celebrating the most memorable callers and moments from the "We're Here to Help" podcast’s past year. Jake and Gareth are in full awards-show mode, fueled by caffeine and mischief, reflecting on some of the weirdest, funniest, and surprisingly heartfelt stories sent in by listeners. Winners receive the podcast’s coveted limited-edition Steve Berg calendar, with frequent discussions breaking into loving self-parody of award show traditions.

Throughout, the episode’s energy is both chaotic and warmly communal, echoing the spirit that has made “We’re Here to Help” a podcast about dubious advice and sincere support.

Key Segments & Award Winners

1. Best International Caller

[02:10 – 09:54]

• Nominees highlighted by Natalie include Rolly from the UK (tormented by an old woman shouting “shit on me”), Hardik from India (parking spot warfare), and Margaret from Iceland (accent dilemma on Bumble).
• Jake: “Steve is a professional model… The winners of the helpies today will get a calendar sent to them.” [01:36]
• The crew marvels at how many votes they received, and play back memorable call clips.
• Winner: Rolly, UK ("the Shit On Me Woman" story)
  • Rolly joins live to accept and discuss how "the word got around" and now neighbors know him as "the shit on me guy."
  • Rolly: “It's not my favorite association, but, you know, it’s better than nothing. It's a hook, babe.” [06:40]
  • Jake suggests sending an extra calendar for the old lady.
  • Memorable moment: Jake on the silliness of awards: “It's not any crazier than when Blockbuster did an award show… this is as dumb as the other dumb ones.” [05:17]

2. Best Sports Call

[10:13 – 24:24]

• Nominees: Alex & Jack (floor hockey rank argument), Aaron & Sophie (post-breakup season tickets), Taylor & Brian (Pickle and Chip Classic pickleball).
• Insights: Jake and Gareth reflect on producer Jesse's call selection; “The calls… it is the most important part of the show.” [12:46]
• Winner: Taylor & Brian (Pickleball)
  • Both join in to recap the infamous Thanksgiving dinner where Brian wore “bikini bottoms” as payoff for losing.
  • Brian: “Hey, you know, there’s one thing I’m not and that’s shy.” [16:48]
  • Taylor: “If I do lose, sure, I’ll wear the bikini bottoms.” [22:45]
  • Plans for future matches and even a possible doubles event are floated.

3. Best Animal Call

[24:29 – 32:38]

• Nominees: Aubrey (fed cat earwax), Mateo (duck in love), Rebecca, Sue, Susan & James (hand-feeding raccoons).
• Debate: Jake and Gareth crack up about which story touched or unnerved them the most (Earwax Cat? Gandalf the Duck?).
• Winner: Mateo, for Gandalf the Duck
  • Mateo updates: After trying the “stuffed duck” strategy, Gandalf stopped harassing him, and others in the building have spotted the duck around.
  • Mateo: “It is a tremendous honor to win this podcast… probably one of the greatest parts of this entire year.” [29:43]
  • Jake quips: “We did not kill the duck!” [31:06]
  • Steve Berg calendar will replace King Kong in Mateo’s extensive dinosaur-themed apartment.

4. Best Follow-Up

[33:47 – 41:08]

• Nominees: Tom (first intern/psych ward alibi), Zach (made three friends poop in the woods), Mr. Hot Takes (infamous classroom debates about fruit).
• Insight: “The follow-ups are such a big part of why I love this show.” –Jake [34:47]
• Winner: Mr. Hot Takes
  • Joins in with prop trophy and hot takes from his students: “Michael Jackson isn’t impressive.” & “No one likes dark chocolate; they just say it to sound sophisticated.” [39:25, 40:02]
  • Jake: “Do you think you can put the Steve Berg calendar up in your classroom?” [37:04]
  • Plans to sneak the calendar into school and neighbors’ homes for comedic effect.

5. Best Song

[42:46 – 51:11]

• Nominees: “The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread (Irene),” “22nd Pilot (21 Pilots cover),” and “Don’t Cry for me, Argentina” (performed by Aaron, Gareth, and Judd Apatow).
• Winner: Irene for “The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread”
  • Irene joins for a bittersweet update: she and Derek broke up, she’s unemployed, and no longer with the titular cat.
  • Irene: “I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread. I wrote a ballad about you. I’ve never written a ballad about anyone else.” [49:29]
  • Jake, awkwardly: “We're sending you a calendar.” [47:47]
  • Irene teases future music as “Mrs. Ginger and the Breads.”

6. Best Guest Helper

[51:49 – 55:03]

• Nominees: Cat Reitman, Lamorne Morris, Justin Long.
• Discussion: Jake credits Lamorne for “building the house of the show.”
• Winner: Cat Reitman
  • Cat calls in, triumphant: “Eat it, your girl won!… Regular Mother Teresa type.” [54:18-54:28]
  • Welcomes the award, jokes about the logistics: “Do I have to come pick it up?” [54:49]

7. Best Caller

[55:07 – 59:22]

• Nominees: Regina (orgy finger foods), Heather (cat/wife mix up), Lisa (mom & daughter), Paige (mannequin for Dennehy), Professor Dr. T (jungle animal conundrum), Connor (Airbnb saga).
• Winner: Connor (Airbnb saga)
  • Audio acceptance: “I'm here to tell you that you too can win a helpy if you end up signing up for a random Airbnb and moving across the country and everything goes wrong.” [57:59]
  • Connor’s moving to Texas next year—potential for more chaos.

8. Top Call

[59:59 – 63:27]

• Nominees: Chris (ostrich farm tickets), Emma (cat-sitting/masturbation confession), Robert (brother’s possible circumcision mystery), Angelica (haunted Jake & Gareth dolls), Stone (not a foot fetish), Nick (sauna stains).
• Winner: Robert (Circumcision Mystery)
  • Did not appear live but acknowledged the win by message: “Oh, wow. Really? That's crazy. Send me the number to call and I'll try to find time.” [63:07]

9. Listener Tributes & Finale

[63:46 – 68:15]

• Special segment: Listener Rob Miranda’s 3D-printed busts of Steve Berg are presented, plus keychains and planter heads.

  • Gareth: “This is like his bust in the hall of fame. I mean, this is shocking.” [64:15]
  • The hosts joke about passing the statue around.
  • Plans to commission “little Bergs” as next year’s official helpy trophy.

• Shoutouts: Thanks to everyone – from Natalie, Jesse, Chris, and the crew, to all callers and listeners.

• Jake: “We’ve done about 250 of these and without people like you calling in with energy, Gareth and I would be bored of each other.” [40:50]

• “The Helpies were a smash. They will be annual.” [63:27]

Notable Quotes

• Jake: “Our point is that this is as dumb as the other dumb ones… So therefore, this matters as much as that.” [05:37]
• Rolly (accepting Best International Call): “It’s a hook, babe… It’s not my favorite association, but, you know, it’s better than nothing.” [06:40]
• Brian (Pickleball): “Hey, you know, there’s one thing I’m not and that’s shy.” [16:48]
• Jake (to Mr. Hot Takes): “We love you. You have been one of the reasons this show is so enjoyable.” [40:34]
• Irene (Mrs. Gingerbread): "I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread. I always will. Nothing will change that." [49:29]

Funniest and Most Memorable Moments

• Jake threatening to “sell my house” to buy more calendars for all callers [57:28].
• Irene’s bittersweet win, asking to “unring the bell” after her breakup, with the hosts unsure whether to comfort or giggle [45:31-47:41].
• Trio dissecting the absurdity of awards, with Jake invoking the Blockbuster and Spike TV awards [05:15].
• Live debates over which animal story was the weirdest; Gareth suggesting merch with “I love that duck’s penis” [27:02].
• Plans to sneak Steve Berg calendars into random homes for neighborly confusion [38:01].
• Presentation of Rob Miranda’s Steve Berg bust, planter, and keychains [63:46–67:08].

Tone

The episode is fast, friendly, irreverent, and loaded with improvisational riffing. The hosts’ energy oscillates between wild, caffeine-driven riffing and sincere gratitude, poking at the silliness of podcast award shows while genuinely celebrating their community’s beloved inside jokes and oddities.

Timestamps of Major Segments

• [00:44] – Show opening & concept for “The Helpies”
• [02:10] – Best International Caller
• [10:13] – Best Sports Call
• [24:29] – Best Animal Call
• [33:47] – Best Follow-Up
• [42:46] – Best Song
• [51:49] – Best Guest Helper
• [55:07] – Best Caller
• [59:59] – Top Call
• [63:46] – Presentation of Steve Berg busts & episode wrap-up

For New Listeners:

This episode encapsulates the “We’re Here to Help” spirit: smart-dumb advice, genuine community, and a LOT of running jokes. It’s a tribute to the show’s “call-in” culture—elevating and gently roasting the most offbeat voices who make the podcast work. Expect warmth, chaos, and the realization that dubious advice is just an excuse to make people feel seen, and included.