242: The First Annual Helpies

Summary

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We're Here to Help — Episode 242: The First Annual Helpies

Podcast: We're Here to Help
Host: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Date: December 22, 2025

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Episode Overview

In a special year-end episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds host the first-ever "Helpies," an irreverent but heartfelt awards ceremony to honor their favorite listeners, questions, stories, and guests from the past year of We're Here to Help. Drawing parallels to the Oscars, Blockbuster Awards, and even the infamous Spike TV awards, the hosts celebrate their show's unique community with signature humor, memorable moments, and genuine appreciation for their audience. Winners receive the coveted Steve Berg "hunk" calendar— because, as the guys say, “it’s the ultimate trophy.”

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Key Segments & Insights

Introduction: The Spirit of the Helpies (01:39)

• Jake and Gareth introduce the Helpies as both a joke and an earnest thank you to their listeners.
• Announcement: Winners will each receive a Steve Berg calendar; just 500 printed and selling fast.
• Quote (Jake): "The Helpies is about warmth... and reflection." (11:19)
• The hosts promise a bigger and better third year for the podcast without a break between seasons.

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Awards Categories & Winners

Best International Caller (03:48–11:13)

Nominees:

• Rolly (UK, accosted by “the shit on me lady”)
• Hardik (India, neighbors stole parking spot)
• Margaret (Iceland, choosing an accent for dating apps)

Winner: Rolly (UK)

• Rolly joins live, shares how the story of the "shit on me lady" has made him a local celebrity.
• Quote (Rolly): "I would so much rather have this than Men’s Choice." (07:03)
• Hosts joke about sending a calendar to Rolly and the infamous old lady.

Memorable Moment:

• Jake: "We're going to send you two [calendars]... One for her." (11:02)

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Best Sports Call (11:29–26:09)

Nominees:

• Alex & Jack (disagreement over floor hockey ranking)
• Aaron & Sophie (season ticket saga)
• Taylor & Brian (Pickle and Chip Classic pickleball)

Winner: Taylor & Brian (Pickleball)

• Brian and (eventually) Taylor join live, recounting the infamous Thanksgiving "bikini bottoms" dinner wager and family reactions.
• Quote (Brian): "We were on the verge of disaster for the entire meal... most of the family is [scarred]." (17:09)
• Banter over whether in-laws should also receive calendars and ideas for a "2026 Brian" calendar.

Jake:

"Brian, how did it feel being the main course at Thanksgiving dinner?" (18:13)

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Best Animal Call (26:10–34:28)

Nominees:

• Aubrey (fed cat earwax)
• Mateo (falling in love with a duck, Gandalf)
• Rebecca, Susan & James (feeding raccoons by hand)

Winner: Mateo (The Duck Saga)

• Mateo updates: Gandalf the duck stopped bothering him after deploying a fake stuffed duck decoy.
• Quote (Jake, excited): "Which means... we did not kill the duck!" (33:17)
• Discussion of signature podcast obsession with animal stories and merch ideas: “I love that duck’s penis.” (Gareth, 28:43)

Memorable Moment:

• Gareth: "I'll put this weird dick onto somebody else." (33:25)

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Best Follow-Up (34:32–42:54)

Nominees:

• Tom (the first intern, psych ward story)
• Zach (made his friends poop in the woods)
• Mr. Hot Takes (viral school segment, "Wall of Flames")

Winner: Mr. Hot Takes

• Live acceptance with trademark jacket and bits.
• Suggestion to send calendars to neighbors addressed from Steve Berg, greatly amusing the hosts.
• Quote (Mr. Hot Takes): "I'm going to tell my students this is the Nobel Prize of podcasting." (38:24)

Memorable Moments:

• “I already bought two calendars for bits.” (Mr. Hot Takes, 38:59)
• Extended brainstorming on escalating calendar pranks.

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Best Song (42:54–53:12)

Nominees:

• The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread (Irene)
• 22nd Pilot (Ben)
• Don't Cry for Me Argentina (Aaron, Gareth, & Judd Apatow)

Winner: The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread (Irene)

• Irene shares a bittersweet update: she and Derek broke up and the eponymous cat now lives with him.
• Hosts offer commiseration and multiple calendars as consolation, joking about "unringing the bell."
• Quote (Irene): "I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread... I always will. I wrote a ballad about you." (51:13)

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Best Guest Helper (53:33–56:48)

Nominees:

• Cat Reitman
• Lamorne Morris
• Justin Long

Winner: Cat Reitman

• Victory speech is classic Cat: “Best Guest Helper! In your face. And let’s be honest, I am helping. Regular Mother Teresa type.” (56:04)
• Group discusses other memorable guest appearances.

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Best Caller (56:52–61:13)

Nominees:

• Regina (Finger foods at the orgy)
• Heather (Smart people are kryptonite)
• Connor (Epic Spray Mess—Airbnb roommate saga)
• Kate (Long Island "Lisa")
• Paige (Mannequin for Dennehy)
• Professor Dr. T. Squeeze (Coppertone memoir)

Winner: Connor ("Spray Mess"/Airbnb Roommate Hero)

• Acceptance speech (audio): “You too can win a helpy if you move to a random Airbnb and everything goes wrong!” (59:50)
• Connor is moving to Texas, setting up future shenanigans.

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Top Call (61:13–69:19)

Nominees:

• Chris (boss's ostrich land tickets)
• Emma (masturbated while cat-sitting)
• Robert (brother might not be circumcised)
• Angelica (haunted dolls)
• Stone Road (no foot fetish)
• Nick (dirty towels in the sauna)

Winner: Robert (Circumcision Mystery)

• Unable to appear, but responds with: "Oh, wow. Really? That's crazy. Send me the number to call and I'll try to find time." (64:51)
• Jake and Gareth reflect on the sheer weirdness and success of the segment.

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The Ceremony's Surreal Finale (69:19–End)

The Steve Berg Calendar & Custom Trophies

• Rob Miranda reveals a 3D-printed Steve Berg head, which stuns the hosts and devolves into banter about what to actually do with it—plant herbs, frame photos, commission mini-Berg awards.
• Suggestion (Gareth): "Maybe next year, we could make little Berg trophies. And that is the Helpy." (68:45)

Final Thanks and Reflections

• Jake and Gareth express heartfelt gratitude to their audience, callers, producers, and each other.
• Callers and community highlighted as the true heart of the show.
• Quote (Jake): “We’ve done about 250 of these and without people like you calling in with energy, Gareth and I would be bored of each other.” (42:18)
• Announced: The Helpies will be an annual tradition.

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Notable Quotes & Key Moments

• Jake (helpies ethos): "The Helpies is about warmth... and reflection." (11:19)
• Rolly (Best International Caller): "I would so much rather have this than Men’s Choice." (07:03)
• Brian (Pickleball): "We were on the verge of disaster for the entire meal... most of the family is [scarred]." (17:09)
• Mr. Hot Takes: "I'm going to tell my students this is the Nobel Prize of podcasting." (38:24)
• Irene (Mrs. Gingerbread): "I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread... I wrote a ballad about you." (51:13)
• Cat Reitman: "Best Guest Helper! In your face. And let’s be honest, I am helping. Regular Mother Teresa type." (56:04)
• Connor (Best Caller, via audio): "You too can win a helpy if you move to a random Airbnb and everything goes wrong!" (59:50)

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Timestamps – Key Segments

• Introduction/Set-Up: (01:39)
• Best International Caller: (03:48–11:13)
• Best Sports Call: (11:29–26:09)
• Best Animal Call: (26:10–34:28)
• Best Follow-Up: (34:32–42:54)
• Best Song: (42:54–53:12)
• Best Guest Helper: (53:33–56:48)
• Best Caller: (56:52–61:13)
• Top Call/Grand Finale & Steve Berg Calendar Madness: (61:13–69:19)
• Final Thanks & Farewell: (69:59–End)

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Closing Thoughts

The inaugural Helpies is part loving roast, part community hug, and part bizarre podcast fever dream. Jake and Gareth’s blend of sincerity, chaotic energy, and running inside jokes turns a podcast "award show" into an ode to their fans and each other, celebrating everything from crank-calling teachers to duck obsessions. If you’ve never listened, this episode gives a hilarious yet honest glimpse into why We’re Here to Help has built such a dedicated following.

Transcript

[Announcer]

Quick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Choose a meal deal with McValue.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6.

[Gareth Reynolds]

McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal. Each with its own small fries, drink and four piece of McNuggets.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only.

[Jake Johnson]

Prices and participation may vary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not Valver McDelivery.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Hey, we're Heredos. The Steve Berg 2026 calendar is here. Well, almost. It will be available for order on December 3rd at 12:00pm Eastern Standard Time. We are doing a limited run of 500 calendars, so get yours while you can. All orders will ship December 9th, just in time for the holidays. Visit www.heretohelpod.com to order.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree. Zoe. This thing weighs a ton.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Drewski, live with your legs, man.

[Announcer]

Santa.

[Jake Johnson]

Santa, did you get my ledger? He's talking to you, Bridges.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not.

[Jake Johnson]

Of course he did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right, Santa?

[Jake Johnson]

You know my elf Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list. An elf? I'm six three.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

You can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies.

[Jake Johnson]

Right, Mrs. Claus? I'm Mrs. Claus much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you can keep your old phone.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Or give it as a gift.

[Jake Johnson]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My side of the tree is slipping, Kimber. The holidays are better.

[Jake Johnson]

AT T Mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T Mobile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

T Mobile is available in US cellular.

[Jake Johnson]

Stores with 24 month legal credits for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well qualified customers plus tax and $35 device connection charge credits and imbalance due.

[Jake Johnson]

If you pay off earlier. Cancel financing agreement. 256 gigs, $830 eligible Ford in a new line, $100 plus a month plan without our pay plus taxes and fees required.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Check out 15 minutes or less per line.

[Jake Johnson]

Visit t mobile.com. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual. We're here to help helpies. Gareth, where are you at? We're finishing off another year of the show. We are about to enter year three. Yes, we're gonna have an announcement soon about it. We're talking to head gum. We're coming back. We're not taking the weird break we took after the first one. Yep, we've been really happy with Rabbit Grant. It's all kind of working right now. We're doing a big ending this year to celebrate season one and two overall. Where you at, big daddy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we're. This is our best year, like you said. I think we really. You know, it is. The calls. Rabbit grin puts us in a great position.

[Jake Johnson]

We are now going to start the official Helpies first annual. First annual, where every winner. I don't know if this has been announced. They're getting a calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So the winners of the Helpies today. We'll get a calendar sent to them. We've sold so many of these goddamn calendars.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it's. It feels like we're going to run out.

[Jake Johnson]

It's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. It feels.

[Jake Johnson]

Makes no sense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, it's.

[Jake Johnson]

Steve is a professional model, and so it's upsetting. Allie, what do we do?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

You guys are going to listen to the nominations. So we are going to start with our best international Caller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ooh, Best International Caller.

[Jake Johnson]

Best International Caller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a good order. That's a good starter.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, and how many did we get a lot of votes on? We need to pick. Did people actually vote? Really?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Good job, everybody. Thank you. Thousands of votes. Good job, everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's exciting. So this is our best International Call. Okay, are we ready to announce the nominees? Let's give it a shot. That's the spirit.

[Announcer]

And the nominees for best international call are. From the United Kingdom, Rolly, who was accosted by an old woman on his morning walk.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Yeah, the first one I thought I misheard until it happened so many times. And this became a theme. And so I was walking past her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I smiled at her.

[Jake Johnson]

Excellent.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

And she said on me from India.

[Announcer]

Hardik, whose neighbors stole his parking spot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I might actually hire some people to.

[Jake Johnson]

Pick up this film.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'd be one.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Be one guy quickly.

[Jake Johnson]

Hardik, if you film it, send it to us and we'll put that theme song under it. Okay.

[Announcer]

The fresh makeup from Iceland, Margaret, who needed to pick an accent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, I'm Margaret. Hi, I'm Gareth from Bumble. Hi. How far do your legs go? What's the question? It's very.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

My legs go from my ankles to my ears.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, first question to everybody really fast. What did you guys think of that with Eric reading it? The sound effects. Who did the sound effects on that? The clapping and the music?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Your editor, Chris.

[Jake Johnson]

Really? He did a great job and he picked those clips.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

No, that was Jesse.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great picks. Also, Eric's voice.

[Jake Johnson]

It's perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God, he's good.

[Jake Johnson]

So now we get to who wins.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Well, I would like to know who you think.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a. I think Raleigh from I think the Shit On Me Lady. I think that one.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That was such a saga.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I can't remember the exact resolve, but it like we got. I think we helped, sort of.

[Jake Johnson]

I think Margaret. I also.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great call.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you know?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

I do know.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you know?

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

I do know.

[Jake Johnson]

Who do you think?

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

I'm a Margaret. Yeah, I think it's too good.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it time to announce the winner?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you've got to do the whole like. Oh, yeah, let's see. This is. This is. This is my sweet spot. And the winner is. Can never get these things open. Moonlight. Oh, no. Raleigh. Raleigh, uk. Raleigh. The On Me woman. And we have Raleigh joining the show.

[Jake Johnson]

And by the way, great call. I'm happy he won too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's great.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh. So, Riley, are you here?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

I can see you.

[Jake Johnson]

So, congratulations. You've won Best International Call at the first annual Helpies. Really?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

That's crazy. I did not expect that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, it's crazy, but it's not any crazier than when Blockbuster did an award show. They did the Blockbuster Awards?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Spike did one.

[Jake Johnson]

Spike. I was at the spike one with Damon Wayne Jr. It was the dumbest Men's Choice Awards.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Men's Choice Awards.

[Jake Johnson]

So stupid. But this isn't any more stupid than this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What Our point is that this is as dumb as the other dumb ones.

[Jake Johnson]

So therefore, this matters as much as that. So, sir, how does it feel to win the first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The first award?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

I would so much rather have this than Men's Choice.

[Jake Johnson]

Or was it Blockbuster did an award show for. And everybody in Hollywood took it seriously. They're all wearing gowns. Gowns and tuxedos to go to the Blockbuster Award.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The first Oscars must have been. People must have been like, what is.

[Jake Johnson]

They must have thought. They're like, this. This will never work. And now people are like, I've spent my life trying to get this award. So more about you. What's going on with the story here? What's going on with that old lad lady? Where you at? What's the latest?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

I've spent in Italy for the month, so I haven't seen her in a little while. But the word got around about how she was around me. And now we've got a few neighbors who, whenever I bump into them, ask for an update. And it's. Yeah, it's pretty much how I'm known. I'd Say, around where I live, in your neighborhood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really? It seems like you don't like that. Being known as that person.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

I sure don't know. No, no. It's not my favorite association, but, you know, it's better than nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a look, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

So how did it spread in your neighborhood?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Well, my friends found out about it. I hadn't. I hadn't told them much about it, but as soon as they found out, it. It was like wildfire. And now there's a good few neighbors who. Who I. I. They wouldn't know my name, probably don't know what house I live in, but whenever they see me, they come and ask what she said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Saying stuff to you, really?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

She is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Like there was. There was a gap where I didn't see her for a while, but. Yeah, no, she came back strong. She came back swinging.

[Jake Johnson]

What was the last thing she said to you, sir?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Oh, it's. Honestly, it's very repetitive. I think I told you. It's pretty much the general line of inquiry, but it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Yeah, like, you know, what. What she's planning do with me, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, after seeing you, I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

First time was audio only. Now I'm thinking of the things I would do to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'd all love to be shit on by Rolly.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we doing this weird laugh the whole show?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's nice.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's go back to Garrett. No, it is. Every now and then.

[Jake Johnson]

You're done reading these because this brings out the monologue and it brings out this guy. No. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

There's no studio audience, Jake. They don't count. They work for the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm playing to them. The audience at home.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Well, if it counts, I love it. It makes me feel like I'm at the Oscar.

[Jake Johnson]

That's all he's trying to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is there anyone you'd like to thank in. In your acceptance again? You won the first award.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Is there anyone you'd like to thank?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Huge honor. Just like the Oscars. I imagine my name will be that first one on the list that everyone looks back to. And of course, I have to. I have to thank that old lady. I don't know her name, you know, don't know much about her except for, you know, what she. She likes to do in her private time. But, yeah, she's. She's wrong with you guys, so that's a treat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Might be nice in 2026, maybe for rolly to take us on One of the walks and maybe we could film it, hear the woman live and we could say something to her on behalf of the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe we'll do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, listen, enjoy. Enjoy Italy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Enjoy Italy, Rolly. Hopefully. Thank you so much, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm sending you a Steve Berg hunk calendar as that's the trophy, the ultimate trophy. So would you want it in Italy or do you want it back in England?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

I'll be back in England in a couple of days, so that would be great. Oh, look at that. Looks amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what we should do on each one, we should write.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Yeah, you guys should sign it and.

[Jake Johnson]

Then say, oh, I'd love first annual winner.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Each one will get.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Okay. Well, enjoy the first. That's a treat.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Thank you very much.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what we're going to do? We're going to send you two and. And give one to the old lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, just next time she goes like.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to on your face. Go like this. Look at this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On this guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Look at this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of December? We're going to send you two. One for her.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Thanks so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. R. Thank you.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Thanks, guys. Have a great day.

[Jake Johnson]

Wonderful warm feeling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

This the helpies is about warmth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. And reflection and reflection. Reflection and warmth. You guys ready for the next category? Yes. Okay, next category.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Announcer]

And the nominees for best sports call Alex and Jack, who disagreed about their.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Pff ranking Because I don't think I'm the best.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Right.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

I love, like, if you're gonna show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Up and play four hockey and like, be mediocre, like, don't pretend that you're the best.

[Announcer]

Aaron and Sophie, who sang for their season tickets.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

So I've been on the waiting list for season tickets for forever.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

We finally got them this year and my partner at the time went in on it with me to buy them. And then about a month ago, we broke up.

[Announcer]

Taylor and Brian, who competed in our first annual pickle and Chip classic.

[Jake Johnson]

You versus Taylor at pickleball. What do you think's gonna happen?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

I will annihilate him. Have you ever played pickleball, Brian?

[Jake Johnson]

That's back. Jesse, wonderful kicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. What do you. What? I know which one we don't think it is.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we.

[Jake Johnson]

Not the tickets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not the tickets.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'll tell you why. It's a great call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The saga ended up working.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But it was a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That first call. Little bizarre.

[Jake Johnson]

The relationship was heavy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got there with one of them, didn't Join.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Who do you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's got to be pickle. Pickleball. The floor hockey one was.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, changed the game for the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that really was Katie Nolan, guest helper. And. And we really perfect. It was quite a. It probably had a more dramatic ending for sure. So maybe that I got to say.

[Jake Johnson]

That one was, you know, I gotta say, sometimes the show and I don't know. I've got a question for the producers. What are you. When we have a guest, how much time do you put in to pick in the call that it might work? I was re listening to the one Wits Aaron today with Dakota Fanon, and the alarm thing happened to work for her. Are you guys thinking, oh, yeah, this could really work for her for some reason, or is it just sometimes blind luck?

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Yeah.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

I knew she did that with her alarm.

[Jake Johnson]

You did. I just became a friend.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Huh?

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus Christ. Whoa. Very clearly it was revealed why he's one of my oldest friends.

[Announcer]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Are you serious? Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You guys knew they served lasagna.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. I'm gonna do marinara, too.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Serious. Jesse and I spend a lot of time on picking callers because it is the most important part of the show.

[Jake Johnson]

I totally agree. It's everything.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

And Jesse does a lot of work. So I'd like to shout out Jesse.

[Jake Johnson]

Shout out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shouting him out after we ask. So it's not like a, you know, it's not a traditional shout out.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

You're so jealous all the time.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

From you to someone else, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm happy for Jesse.

[Jake Johnson]

So mad.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Now look how happy he is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not. This is the worst.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you see that smile? He's like, now it's on me again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my Lord. You get Morgan in the room, it just activates negatively in my direction.

[Jake Johnson]

But so that. So you guys do. Because a lot of these, when you go to the Katie Nolan one, that one was perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Perfect. I mean, we also get lucky sometimes, obviously, but we do our best.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're predicting floor hockey.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You're predicting pickleball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think by a hair.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. The winner for the best sports call, the first ever, goes to Taylor and Brian. Pickleball. It did pull through, and they're joining on Zoom. Hey, Brian.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Yes, sir.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to tell you something here, big daddy. You. You lost at pickleball that day. You know that, right?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But you won today. Best sports call of the year. We're sending you a goddamn calendar, and we're not sending One to Taylor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't know about that. We'll probably.

[Jake Johnson]

He's not on the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. We'll probably still send it to him. We got a bunch of us. I don't think that's right. He might re Brian in a lot of ways.

[Jake Johnson]

You won and he lost and you dominated him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't. I mean, he was drinking beer during the pickleball game.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Brian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Brian, did you ever.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

There's nothing wrong with light beer.

[Jake Johnson]

Brian. Did you ever do the wear the underpants thing?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Yeah, we did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Taylor. What's up, my man?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

I made it.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Sorry. I was watching the live and then I couldn't figure out how to switch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's okay, Jake. You had some stuff you wanted to say.

[Jake Johnson]

You got a calendar now I was going to cut you out of the calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some stuff got said while you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, because if you did, if you had to go to work or something. Sorry, man. You lost today. Brian won. He gets calendar. You don't get a calendar. But now that you're here, congratulations.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

You won.

[Jake Johnson]

The first ever helping for best sports go. And I gotta say, you beat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it was close. Had to be.

[Jake Johnson]

So talk to us now. Where are you guys at? What's the latest? Brian was saying he did the dinner where he wore the little panties. Tell us about it.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Yeah, it was Thanksgiving. It was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, you did Thanksgiving with the. The bikini bottoms?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

We were on. We were on the verge of disaster for the entire meal. I mean, it was. I'm still. Still a little scarred by it. I think most of the family is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many people were there?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Well, we had my family, some four, Brian, Heather, the kids. I think we had eight, maybe 10.

[Jake Johnson]

So walk us through what happened. Will you slowly paint the picture?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Well, he came out with apron first, apron first. And then the big reveal when he came out with the food and just walked around from person to person. How much turkey would you like? Would you like? You know, do you need some stuff?

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Wow.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

I mean, nobody can keep a straight face. Nobody could even answer the question, how could you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was awesome.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

It was just absolute chaos.

[Jake Johnson]

Brian, what a victory, bud. How did it feel being the hunk?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Hey, you know, there's one thing I'm not and that's shy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

So I have no problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Brian, how did it feel being the main course at Thanksgiving dinner?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

I don't think. I don't think my. My father in law or mother in law want to have very many conversations with me for a while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, guess What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because they don't deserve one picture.

[Jake Johnson]

Any pics.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

The wife is.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

That's.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

That's the hard one with the wife.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Understand just because of social media.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. All right, well, we can dig into this baby.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Brian. Guy, can I throw something out at you, man? You interested in being a calendar?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Being in a calendar?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Yeah. We just did a calendar with Steve Berg that has sold so many goddamn copies, we don't know what to do with them. We might have to make it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You said you tell the wife if.

[Jake Johnson]

It'S a financial decision now, you get 40 of profits. My king.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And great Tiesberg out like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Berg is not in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I was thinking for 2026, we got Brian. He lost a pickle beer during the match. We like the direction he's going in right now.

[Jake Johnson]

The audience prefers his cat. Holy. Would that be good?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

We'll have to get it. We'll have to get it sponsored by Miller Light or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Where are you guys at with pickleball? You guys played again?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

We haven't played again. We will soon. I mean I know it's. It's annual now and the police committed and my dad's getting hats and I mean it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, let us know so we can help blow it up to make it an even larger event.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's becoming. So it's becoming a really fun thing for the family. It's becoming a big game. You guys are going to do it next year. Brian, are you training at all, man?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Yeah, but mostly just exercise wise, not pickleball wise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Conditioning, trying to, trying to drop some pounds, get more back into, you know, you know, not fighting shape, but be a little bit more agile, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Respect the hell out of that. I'm doing the same thing, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. And Taylor, would you.

[Jake Johnson]

Not fighting shape per se.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we're in the middle of their experience right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Taylor, you're still being in fighting shape.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kill Jake's mike, can we. Taylor, will you be wearing the bikini bottoms if you do lose?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

If I do lose, sure. But I mean, we've got a head start at this point. As long as I keep going, it's gonna be hard to catch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Taylor and Brian, can I pitch something? When is the next match?

[Mr. Hot Takes]

We are.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Have not gotten that far ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Can we. And this is more of a question to Brian because I know Taylor's answer. Taylor's gonna say of course. Brian, will you play with Taylor and let him teach you a little bit?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Yeah, exactly. I'm not against that.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's a good way for you guys to get together. And I know it's not gonna feel good, Taylor, it's gonna be scary, but sometimes you gotta teach somebody to maybe kill you one day. It's called parenthood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? I don't mind it.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

And I, I hope one day we can get a. A doubles match going. Me and Brian. Try and take somebody else down because bonded over this now.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right. And I think you should train him to be better than you.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Well, you know, that's going to be tough to do, but I'll do.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's why I said because in a couple, if every year it gets closer and closer and closer, you could enter a great zone in a couple of years.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You said it's like parenthood training someone to kill you.

[Jake Johnson]

You're trying to train your kids to be greater than you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, but you should kill. It's another, it's another step.

[Jake Johnson]

It's. I meant be greater than.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Sure.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so guys, we appreciate you. We loved this call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sexy calendars of Steve Berg will be shipped to you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you're getting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't worry.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what we're gonna do. Brian, you said your in laws are not into this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right, Jake, do they want a calendar? We're giving them a calendar. We're giving them a calendar too.

[Jake Johnson]

Calendar. If they don't like seeing you in Your underpants. They surely won't like seeing Steve Berg pose. 12 times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are the Oprah of Steve Berg. Calendar.

[Jake Johnson]

You get a calendar. So, guys, you're gonna get a few calendars. We appreciate you. And follow up with us so we can know about the next match.

[Announcer]

Love it, guys.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

You guys are the best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye. Great.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

I'm up for the calendar. Let's do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a great ending to this moment. Here we go. Animal call. Ooh. Jake.

[Announcer]

And the nominees for best animal call are. Aubrey. Who fed her cat earwax.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, right, you. You got a big old fat cat named Livy. It ate your earwax and you picked your ear and gave it to the cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I was really curious to see.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

If she'd eat it.

[Announcer]

Mateo. Who fell in love with a duck.

[Jake Johnson]

Mateo. Why the fuck are we talking about their ducks this season?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because there was a day when Gandalf was climbing on me and I spotted.

[Jake Johnson]

It and it scared me and I pushed him off and I sprinted. Why anger the audience up my staircase?

[Announcer]

Rebecca, Susan and James, who had raccoons eating out of their hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They might be 69ing. I've never seen a raccoon blowjob.

[Jake Johnson]

Right?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

No.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

I don't know if they've been doing that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, they could.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

You never know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

C2 record 69.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody's thoughts around the room. Starting with YouTube boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then. Well, I know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, never mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, never mind.

[Jake Johnson]

Actually, you know too now.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Yeah. Morgan doesn't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Morgan. Captain Morgan calendar. Morgan Calendar girl.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Gandalf.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? I. I'm not sure. There's one that I feel like I'm surprised was not on this.

[Jake Johnson]

Please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mrs. Gingerbread, I think she got the best song.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Is going crazy about that.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

They're like, where's Mrs. G? She wasn't nominated enough times for this category.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, no way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

The nominees.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

That's right.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Email in.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, hey, hey. Stop getting mad on Patreon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

If you wanted her in, vote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. You're Obama. You're the Obama of the helpies.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't boo vote.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who do you think?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think it's going to be Gandalf. Even though I think Gandalf would be mine. We got a lot of comments and emails about we hurt the duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It had a tough ending that they're.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, you guys are doing that. You murdered the duck. Which I don't. But I don't think we murdered the duck. I just don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I Don't.

[Jake Johnson]

I loved that story. And I love that duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love that duck's penis. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Merch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

He'S a merch machine today. That merch is. I love the hedge penis. Gareth Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me next to a duck.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. I don't think it's the raccoons.

[Jake Johnson]

The raccoons was such a good call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was correct.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

It may.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It might be. I. I think the earwax. Cat.

[Jake Johnson]

The earwax was such.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That activated you in a way. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That was the first time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I probably said five words.

[Jake Johnson]

That was the first time I got mad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were furious.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I feel like people will be responding to that. I feel like it will be earwax. Cat, what about you?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm good. I'm going against. What I said. I'm going Gandalf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought he also made that beautiful video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was all. It was a sign.

[Jake Johnson]

It was the beginning of season two. That was great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

And the winner for best animal call. Look at Natalie's face.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

So look at me.

[Jake Johnson]

So excited. And she knows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She knows she killed it.

[Jake Johnson]

The winner is. Mateo.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Man, am I excited. Joining on Zoom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Dying for a follow up. And guess what, everybody? It's gonna be sad. We're not gonna know what's going on with that duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe not. Hey, guys, what's up? You've won a helpy for best animal.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, Mateo, I'm seeing dinosaur stuff in the background.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, please, have you not contacted Rob Miranda? I mean, this is so the. I have not.

[Jake Johnson]

The guy's a dinosaur sculpting expert, Mateo. Oh, we got to connect you to mat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Probably be buying you a raptor, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Fill that place up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's. Easy does it, mateo.

[Jake Johnson]

You've got 500 dinos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, just easy does it now, Jake. Just lock in the pocket.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so this is intense coffee. This cold brew ain't no joke, Jack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's drunk. And he sees. And he sees. Liquid cocaine.

[Jake Johnson]

I got this.

[Announcer]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

You need more dinos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you doing, Mateo?

[Jake Johnson]

Derailing the show. How does it call? I'm king.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you could block Jake's voice, that'll be really helpful for the rest of this. How does it feel to win a helpy? And did you think you'd win? And is there an update for us?

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

Really bad ending, but great for the first forfeit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm worried about.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Oh, you are? That's what it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Concern entered my mind.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Understood Merch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a tremendous honor to Win.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This podcast and my time on here has been truly pretty awesome. Probably one of the greatest parts of this entire year.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that's great to hear, man, because you crushed it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Oh, hey, man.

[Jake Johnson]

And your video crushed it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Oh, I am. I am extremely glad that you guys, like, in enjoyed it. I did ask a few people around my apartment complex. A few people said that they did spot him, but I have personally not. That'll do. Ever.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's come across him again.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me get crystal clear on this. The original call was you wanted the duck to stop humping your leg and getting weird with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

We pitched. I can't even remember.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We pitched duck costume. We pitched faux duck to put on his porch like he's seeing other ducks.

[Jake Johnson]

And Matteo, what did you do again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I put a. Like a. Not exactly like a stuffed animal, but I put, like a stuffed.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stuffed duck out.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. And the point is, the duck stopped messing with you. People in the building have seen it. Ring the bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ring.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. 100. When did somebody say to you. And please don't lie. I can't deal with this level of excitement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're honest with us. You're getting five Raptors for the background, buddy. All right. Yeah. It was about one month after our last.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Which means. That's huge. Which means you. And we did not kill the duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The duck ghosted you. We did not kill.

[Jake Johnson]

It worked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He went.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys, got somebody else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, I get it. You're in a thing.

[Jake Johnson]

You, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't worry.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll put this weird dick onto somebody else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a pig's tail as a dick. I'll figure it out.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, this is huge news.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mateo, where are you gonna put the calendar? Because you're getting a Steve Berg sexy calendar. Your background looks pretty. Oh, yeah. You're getting one, buddy. Oh, my God. But your background looks pretty. It's pretty crowded. Are we gonna be able to get in that background there? If I'm getting a Steve calendar, I will take down king.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the quote is, Steve Berg took down King Kong dream. Yeah. That's good news.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, listen, you're a king.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

We love you.

[Jake Johnson]

We love the call. Thank you. Follow up if you hear anything about this duck again. And. Okay, you know you're getting a calendar. My man. Congratulations on the huge win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Awesome. I just want to say you guys are absolutely incredible. I love this podcast. And again, just. Yeah, you guys are.

[Jake Johnson]

You're a big part of it, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. Thank you, Mato. Appreciate it, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I think we should do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was great.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Some really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. There's a genuine relief there.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. By the way, I'm not making a joke. I presented at the Spike Choice Awards and it was at that moment, it was Damon and I, as I was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On just for let's Be Cops.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. As I was on stage, I was like, awards are stupid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That there, there's a stupid.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want to do this anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There really was a time when there was like so many and people were showing up. Remember Cable Ace Awards?

[Jake Johnson]

No, but I'm sure. What does that even mean, Cable Ace?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was like a big, it was like a, a Emmy Jr. People took it seriously.

[Jake Johnson]

They take Blockbuster seriously. That's Google Blockbuster Awards red carpet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? You got a popcorn thing, didn't you? I mean, MTV Awards gave you a popcorn thing, but I think, I think.

[Jake Johnson]

It was like a blockboard Blockbuster box. You know what we should do? We should create a fake award show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we have Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, next.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Spoiler. Look around.

[Jake Johnson]

This is real. All right, next one we have.

[Announcer]

And the nominees for best follow up are. Tom, our first intern.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

So I had been in a psych ward and I needed a really cool story to tell at school. So we made up the story that I had been an intern. And it went pretty well.

[Announcer]

Zach, who made his friends shit in.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

The woods within the next five minutes. There were, you know, we were, we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Were half a group really. So you, you really had three go off and have to take wild shits in the place that gave you your problem from the beginning?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Absolutely. It's, it's one of my, it's one of my greatest success stories.

[Announcer]

Mr. Hot takes.

[Jake Johnson]

What's your, what's your hot take on Fruits?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

See, now there is a high take on fruit. I, I. Strawberries.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Honeydew.

[Jake Johnson]

Melon.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Fantastic.

[Announcer]

Watermelon.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Get out of town, honey.

[Jake Johnson]

Do if it's not Mr.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hot takes.

[Jake Johnson]

Has to be now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta say the first two are great though.

[Jake Johnson]

All of our follow ups. The follow ups are such a big part of why I love this show. Yeah, Mr. Hot Takes is in a. I mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mr. We, We Talk about like if we get asked on stuff about a call, we talk, we bring up Hot Takes.

[Jake Johnson]

Schools are doing his.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's been franchised. All right, so here we go. So what, who is the winner?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, who's the winner?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Jesus, you are so coffee drunk.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm high as it's you follow up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

And the winner, the pride we know I don't have to open it, Mr. Hot Takes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, why don't you just.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll open it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are hammered energy right now. This is. This is. This is rustic in at 2pm.

[Jake Johnson]

Mr. Hot Takes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. Well, I mean, we just did it. Just to be sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Go join in on Zoom. Let's bring the king out. Wow. You guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You, sir.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

What an exciting win. I can't. I am excited to win also because I wore the jacket in case.

[Jake Johnson]

Brought myself this.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

And about five minutes ago, I got really worried that if I didn't win, I would have to, in a walk of shame in front of the entire school, walk us back to the trophy case with a Hot Take jacket and explain I didn't win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is there any part of you that thought you wouldn't win, though? I mean, we have heralded you the intern.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

You guys did such a good job.

[Jake Johnson]

The intern was special.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Yeah, I thought the intern. And it's also a real short window, because when you guys give someone a kidney, there's no way I'm beating.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. I guarantee, if that happens, you're old news.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So enjoy it now.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, Mr. Hot Takes, what's your hot take on the helpies and you winning?

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to tell my students first. I'm going to ask them if they know what the Nobel Prize is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very good.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

And from there, say, basically, this is the Nobel Prize of podcasting, and it's.

[Jake Johnson]

Kind of the biggest award in podcasting.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

I think it is. I mean, look at the size of this thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It is a shame that you're holding up a huge trophy and we're sending you a calendar, but I get you.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, I've got a question for you, Mr. Hot Takes. We're obviously sending you a signed calendar. The Steve Burke calendar is your victory. Is it appropriate to put it in your classroom? Yes.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Oh, well, I'll tell you guys, I'm on your patreon, and I already bought two calendars for bits. In the first calendar I bought for a bit, I'm filling out with the school schedule and hanging up in the teacher's room right by the mailbox.

[Announcer]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

But we're sending you two more for more bits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Okay, that's great, because I'm also buying some frames and seeing how many houses I can sneak them into.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna send you far more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you want 150 calendars?

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Actually, I knew it was going to be a calendar, and I had an idea for you guys. Now that it's signed, I was going to say, you guys could look up. You guys know Steve Berg's address, obviously. Just pick a random house, like a street over, drop the mail with that person with a note that says happy Holidays.

[Jake Johnson]

That is so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The greatest idea.

[Jake Johnson]

We could do every house on his block.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

And just as a holiday. Mr. Hot Takes. That's the funniest pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Jake Johnson]

Of all the calendar pitches, I really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know how else to put this, but we've missed you. We've missed the energy.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy shit, Mr.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

You guys have turned out of bits. You've been able to turn a bit into something that's helpful in my class.

[Jake Johnson]

But Mr. Hot Takes, that's next level.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't we just do a few at the adjacent neighbors.

[Jake Johnson]

The directly next door and across the street.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And across the street. It's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God. You know, you get like holiday cards.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Happy holiday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, let me know how you like it.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll sign. We'll sign them as him. We'll write on the COVID Yes. Happy holidays. Hope you have a great new year. Steve Berg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me know what you think of this with your eye contact. Which one's your favorite?

[Jake Johnson]

Let me know which one's your. Hey, have a good December.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks for watching.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Thanks for watching.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a hot take. Boy. Nobody's ever deserved this more so.

[Jake Johnson]

You've already outdone yourself. So I'm not putting pressure on you, you've already won huge. But any other hot takes on the tip of that tongue of yours?

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Well, you know, I thought I would think of some of the one students giving me this. My favorite this year so far has been Michael Jackson isn't impressive.

[Jake Johnson]

Is not wow.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

He's not impressive.

[Jake Johnson]

That's. That's such a young person saying that.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

If you were alive in the 80s before the New stuff, the guy's the most impressive guy on planet Earth.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Oh, 100. What do you think? I yelled at the students.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't yell it too loud at a school. Michael Jackson's the best. Everything he did was good.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, well, the way he glides on stage is pretty good.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

I made sure he was talking musically and not personally good.

[Jake Johnson]

The way the man moves his body. Tell me that's not impressive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not moving anymore, but that's a good one.

[Jake Johnson]

The way the man moved his body.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

And then another one I really enjoyed was dark. Nobody actually likes dark chocolate. They just say it to sound sophisticated.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree with that. Hot take.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great hot take.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

And Then can I just show you how often I. You guys are on my mind in this classroom. I'm just going to turn my camera to Gareth. I think I stole the title from you. But there is the Wall of Flames.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is awesome.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Every picture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Every time we take a picture, having.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Him as a teacher, how awesome it would be. I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Let me say, Mr. Hot Checks, we love you. You have been one of the reasons this show is so enjoyable. We've done about 250 of these and without people like you calling in with energy, Gareth and I would be bored of each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we. I mean, we love you. Like, you are so great even coming in with the Steve I know under prank.

[Jake Johnson]

But everybody from the this community, they'll pitch things that are greater than.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

We'll go like.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, anything that now we can do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Thank you. Hot takes. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, Mr. H. Dr.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hot Takes. Bye, buddy. Bye. The best boy.

[Jake Johnson]

Shocking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shocking.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. Emotional.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is. That is. I feel a little.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Feel something.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. He's the best, by the way. What a great idea. Let's do that for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We just have to look.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Those will go out today.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, that's a top priority.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we've got it. Will you sign it? Tell me which ones you're.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll sign it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Anyone can sign. It's not his signature. It's not notarized. Doesn't matter. Have anyone sign it. We're doing it as Bert.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true. All right. Best song. I'd be careful with this cold brew, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I. I mean, it's strong. Talk to you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Say that to you.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm just letting you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Even just.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like liquid cocaine, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, some. I can tell.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta get out of here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No gambling today. Do you hear me?

[Jake Johnson]

You're not my boss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Do not gamble today.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not my dad. My dad's dead. Sir, Sir, I'm going right to Commerce.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you do not go to bikes.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to Hollywood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not going to bike and you're not going to Commerce. Look at your foot.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not my dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's wrong with your foot? It's like.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

All in.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, let's go. What do you guys want to do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, we need to get more people on Patreon asap. Jake, where are you? I'm in a bad spot, but I'm. Logistically, I can't tell you where.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Morgan, how many of those calendars have Sold. I'm gonna do one I'm gonna do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna sell them outside of the casino for a little while, get some chip money.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, what's the next one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go. Let's try again. There we go.

[Announcer]

And the nominees for best song are. The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread. Music and lyrics by Irene.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Music and lyrics.

[Jake Johnson]

And this is done at weddings. This thing is.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Gone through it. I like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it.

[Announcer]

22Nd pilot. Music by 21 pilots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Announcer]

Lyrics by Ben.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

The songs out the wedding.

[Jake Johnson]

Great, great.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

But my taste in music's on the.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

ST.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

And it takes a PowerPoint to show you how.

[Announcer]

Don't cry for me, Argentina. Music and lyrics by Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice. Performed by Aaron Gareth and Judd Apatow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For Detroit lion tickets.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

Okay.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

All right.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you all through my wild days My mad existence I kept my promise don't keep.

[Jake Johnson]

Your distance Boy, I was loving that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Before Boy, that was a wild one.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

She got a lot of nominations.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shocking.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean. And the winner. We don't have to guess, do we?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, just open it just to be safe, but.

[Jake Johnson]

And the winner is. Mrs. Gingerbread House.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is Mrs. Gingerbread. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Joining A. Irene joining on Zoom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's bring God.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. Thank God.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, hey, you've won.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

Thank you so much. I. I think people knew I was for the people and jumping right in. I'm so grateful to you all.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I think not only are we grateful for you and your song, but people at weddings have been.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Which is crazy. Did you ever think that this song would kind of move around the world the way it has?

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I did not. But in hindsight, I really.

[Jake Johnson]

And how did. How does that make you feel when you're looking at your cat thinking that? People dance to this at weddings. People have played it at home. People have admitted they listen to it daily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's crazy.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I mean, it makes sense to me. She is a star. I want to dedicate this to her. I do want to dedicate this to Derek. Even though we did break up. And I'm gonna have to ask you to unring the bell.

[Jake Johnson]

Why? Well, you didn't know. Hold on. Let the woman speak.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

Since the episode aired, Derek and I broke up. I am unemployed and now living with my parents. So I'm gonna ask Irene.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Irene, Listen, we're not. Irene, I.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you hear? We're gonna send you a calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, not now. Jesus Christ. Read the room.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Irene. So this Is interesting, but I, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I mean, I. You feel like it's the Mrs. Gingerbread situation that got you to this point? You're willing to put the culpability on us and the show?

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tell you what. We're sending you two calendars.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We didn't murder the duck, by the way. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. We didn't murder the duck. The ducks alive. Irene, walk us through what happened here, pal.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to air anyone's dirty laundry, but it just. It didn't work out. And he's wonderful, and she's wonderful.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't have a cat anymore.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

She's Derek's cat.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy. We got to get this cat.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Drink two of those. We're going to get the goddamn cat.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you hear me? So you write a banger and then ballad. You include his ass in it. Because I know he was a music guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he was.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

He was half of the magic, but he was the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whole reason we got this song is because of his attitude.

[Jake Johnson]

He wasn't half the magic. Well, he wasn't half the magic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he wasn't.

[Jake Johnson]

He wasn't half the magic. He wasn't half the magic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is, like. It's not your fault. In Goodwill hunting.

[Jake Johnson]

He wasn't half the magic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Irene. You gotta cry soon.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

You guys were. You were there to help, but. But then you weren't. It's okay. We all have failures.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're not at the calendar. What the hell is wrong with you?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm sending two to Derek.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is in this? Coffee? Who are you?

[Jake Johnson]

You're out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

The cat gets gone. He gets one. You're out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your mouth didn't even know how to do that.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not in the wheel anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mouth rejected your brain. There.

[Jake Johnson]

So your parents have an animal.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

They don't.

[Jake Johnson]

You gonna get another cat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want a duck?

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I mean, I think I'm their animal now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you what, Irene. This. This has been a bizarre and yet also kind of downer call. But look, you're getting a calendar. It looks like there's a fridge behind you. It might go great up there.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not ready to move on. Yeah. When did this thing fall apart?

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

It's been falling apart. I could tell it's been falling apart.

[Jake Johnson]

I sensed it. What were the two jobs you had and what kind of work are you looking for? In what area? In.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I had an evil AI job and a human rights job. Looking for anything, really. I mean, bit comedic roles, stock photo model. I can. You pay me and I can pretend to be normal.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think she can because you.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Promised me you were going to be normal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think you could put that on your resume.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I didn't see you there, so I thought maybe Natalie is not here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's here. She's clearly ready to talk.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I don't know, maybe. Maybe you want to be in a calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Jake.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

We might put you with the guy who played pickleball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll sidebar on the next calendar because again, I don't think you're writing it. I think of beverages. Irene, whereabouts are you located if people want to reach out and have you pretend to be a human For Boston area.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

Boston area.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, well, closing. We're going to send you some calendars in closing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Send you 44 calendars. How about that? Make you feel good.

[Jake Johnson]

What would you like to say to Mrs. Gingerbread?

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread. I love you so much. I always will. Nothing will change that. I love you so much. I wrote a ballad about you. I've been written a ballad about anyone else. Derek and Derek, you're such a wonderful person, and I really wish you the best. And I think you're amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

You want him back, Jake?

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go my own way.

[Jake Johnson]

So. Yeah, the thing you said about him wasn't totally true. You're like, jake, do you want Mrs. Jim?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's an award show.

[Jake Johnson]

She changed the vibe, not me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've been. You've been the conductor of the vibe the whole time.

[Jake Johnson]

No way. Not with her. With Mr. H. We were getting emotional.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop pointing at her. Go ahead.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I want Mississippi in my life. I want her in my life. But Dee and I are taking a little break and then we're gonna be platonic friends in the future.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

I'd like to take a little break.

[Gareth Reynolds]

From G. Okey dokey. Look, Irene, thank you for calling. We're gonna send you 44 calendars. You can sell them on the street corner like a newsy. But we appre. The song is great.

[Jake Johnson]

Such a banger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have merch. We have merch of the. The. The song. It's just been really great.

[Jake Johnson]

So any other songs you thinking about in the cooking in the back of your head?

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

We have Nobody Loves Her. Nobody Loves You. Like Me on The Spotify by Mrs. Ginger and the Breads. Maybe in the future we'll do some more Mrs. Ginger in the bread sounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That sounds great.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we appreciate you. You truly do deserve this win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And I have to say this, and officially, going forward, a caller cannot unring the bell. It is a bell ring for us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Because the thing was, you wanted to be able to do it around him. You did. What happened between you two kids after, we can't control that.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

And I mean, this is just. I just want to say this is perfect timing because my dad has a doctor's appointment on Zoom, so I have to go Anyway.

[Jake Johnson]

Goodbye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Happy holidays, Irene.

[Jake Johnson]

Say hi to dad. Actually, tell your dad to get on and we'll be the doctors. We'll confuse him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Goodbye, Irene. That's a goodbye. Officially. Wow. Bravo. All right, here we go. And this is guest helper. This is exciting.

[Announcer]

And the nominees for Best Guest Helper are. Cat Reitman.

[Jake Johnson]

Christmas time. I mean, if one of these is here, it's not going to be short.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Santa Marlowe. Do we celebrate Hanukkah?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Even though, for the record, I'm a Jewish fish now, I am not going anywhere. I'm staying where I am. And if I have to bite, I will.

[Announcer]

Lamorne Morris.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow. So we really do wish you the best. Lamorne. You got anything? Yeah, shout out to Deacon Jones in the back.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

You gotta call me. You gotta call me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You owe me something.

[Jake Johnson]

He is so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll take payment soon.

[Jake Johnson]

Soon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Venmo works.

[Jake Johnson]

I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, don't think cause you had a wedding that I wasn't gonna run up on you. I love you and I know there's a wedding, but I need my stuff.

[Announcer]

Justin Long, come on.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Your hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have the perfect head shape. This bollocks.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you talking about?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

No, really, I'm being fully honest. I've never seen you look more youthful than just them.

[Jake Johnson]

You're teasing me, aren't you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm really not.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

I promise.

[Jake Johnson]

You're having a go, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who do you think. I mean, we. We talk about all of these people as the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but there's so many more, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I do think Justin, with his performances on the show, interesting by a hair. Because he's very good.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At the acting, I would say. I would say Justin by the slimmest of hairs.

[Jake Johnson]

Captain Morgan or Calendar Girl.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

I'm pissed. I mean, I'm Michael. Sarah is my favorite.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Mike was a favorite episode the whole season.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

You should have nominated him.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. There's a lot of people who didn't get. But Mike was great. Natalie, you know, I'm gonna Go, Lamorne. I do think the house of this show was slightly built by Lamorn Morris.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not wrong.

[Jake Johnson]

Our numbers. We started. It was really slow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The wedding speech.

[Jake Johnson]

That first. That one popped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That felt like it was written and.

[Jake Johnson]

That felt like, oh, now we all know what the show is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're going Lamorne.

[Jake Johnson]

Cat, right, man. Not mad at Cat right at all. Oh, my Lord, the video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Cat high.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. Oh.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Your girl won. What's that?

[Jake Johnson]

What's that?

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Justin Lamorne. Suck it. Eat it. Your girl won.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Best guest Helper. In your face. And let's be honest, I'm helping. I am helping.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

You know, I'm out here giving it my all. Regular Mother Teresa type. Just passing out soup. What's that? Soup kitchen. You need help? No problem. Helping guys. You make a hell of a show. It is a pleasure to be on it. It is so much fun. I love you both. Happy holidays to all. Thank you for this incredible award. Does that come in the mail? Do I have to come pick it up?

[Jake Johnson]

I hope I don't have to come pick it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That'll make her feel.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Could you send it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'll regret saying that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we'll send.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When she gets a Steve Bird calendar in the show.

[Jake Johnson]

I get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'll be like, what the hell is this? Yeah, absolutely nothing but love Fits in the best. She is the best.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, next one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, this is a big one.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

These last two are the. The big.

[Jake Johnson]

The Best Caller and Top Call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's right.

[Announcer]

And the nominees for Best Call. Regina in Finger Foods at the Orgy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna say you're gonna have three great sessions before that baby comes. Gareth, you want the over and under on that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would you take. Take three sessions, Regina. Would that you'd be up for that?

[Jake Johnson]

We're betting on the session. She has apologies.

[Announcer]

Heather in Smart People. RR Kryptonite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How's your wife?

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, your cat.

[Announcer]

In spray mess.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

One is Mexican. His name is Roberto.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

He doesn't speak a lick of English.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He has nine fingers. It is incredible.

[Jake Johnson]

You're living a wild life.

[Announcer]

Kate in Long Island. Lisa.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

That was so nice of you, Mommy. Thanks, Lisa. Can I color with you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Oh, awesome. Great follow up.

[Announcer]

Paige in Mannequin for Dennehy.

[Jake Johnson]

Literally. You just put it in front of the store and took a photo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we were trying.

[Jake Johnson]

My husband and I, we were trying.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

To see a store that wasn't open.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At the time so we could just, like, I know.

[Announcer]

Professor Dr. T. Squeeze in Coppertone style.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

So why don't you guys want to know my memoir? Nothing like that. What kind of animal I'd suck off in the jungle?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. What?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Animal I'd suck up in the jungle.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't have a guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Who do you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it's obviously there's. It's an embarrassment of riches. We were losing our mind. Like when Paige did the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, we were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, that was really an exceptional caller move.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it feels like maybe the problem wasn't as big, but her solve really was where it started.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say, I'm not. There's too many for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I think this is a fun part. Why everybody gets a calendar. And even people who aren't nominated should get them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People who didn't win. People who were nominated.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody who called.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think we have enough for that.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll order more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Jake, you're in the weird phase of the coffee right now. Cuz you're kind of crashing.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll buy a million calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think you understand the money that.

[Jake Johnson]

That I'm gonna sell my house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so which one is his best caller?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Yeah, Best caller.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't. Do you have a guess?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Paige.

[Jake Johnson]

And the winner is. Connor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

And I think that's fair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not surprised.

[Jake Johnson]

Connor. Absolutely murderous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the world building with Connor for so many episodes.

[Jake Johnson]

And then he guessed it on a couple. Can we. He's got an audio message.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we got an acceptance speech.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

So he's a teacher now, so he couldn't join us.

[Jake Johnson]

Fair. Fair. I'm happy he's teaching.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

We should connect him with Mr. Hi, this is Connor. Thank you so much. I can't believe that I won the helpy here. I want to thank Gareth and Jake for giving me the opportunity to be on a few of these calls here. I hope you guys were able to get a few laughs out of my interesting situation there in the Airbn. I'm here to tell you that you too can win a helpy. If you end up signing up for a random Airbnb and moving across the country and then everything goes wrong and it becomes a very interesting situation. That could be you next time. You can win that helpy. My life update for you guys. He's growing up is I'm actually going to be moving to Texas starting next year. So that's a big change. I don't know anybody there.

[Jake Johnson]

He's crazy.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

So this could Also be.

[Jake Johnson]

This is gonna go sideways.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

Something interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought he had it all together as his new job.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

I don't have a roommate this time around, so I won't be able to give you any more updates on that.

[Jake Johnson]

He will.

[Connor (Best Caller)]

But if something does happen down there, I'm definitely be calling again.

[Jake Johnson]

We need to follow up with you guys sometime. October of next year. It's gonna be some crazy stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm.

[Jake Johnson]

He hasn't grown up yet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talking very fast.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna be in Texas in April.

[Jake Johnson]

So what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe I can go see. Well, maybe. He said next year.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two weeks.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Texas is big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on?

[Jake Johnson]

Top call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Texas is big. You really have not let me open one of those since the beginning.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I had to change your tone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you.

[Jake Johnson]

You realize we couldn't do the whole show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that. But you're on cocaine.

[Jake Johnson]

No, it was a trice. You were playing to a non existent studio audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're there. That's just what the Oscars are.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but I couldn't do that for the flower.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get it. I thought I get one. Top Call.

[Announcer]

And the nominees for Top Call are. Chris, who bought his boss tickets to an Australian ostrich farm.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I don't think I gave him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tickets to go to a place called. This is going to be weird. It's ostrich land, usa.

[Announcer]

Emma, who masturbated while cat sitting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So when I get there, I am so excited.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

I get to just be a human.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

For an entire week.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

And of course that consists of just near constant masturbation.

[Announcer]

Robert, whose brother might not be circumcised.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a time. I mean, you can.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

You can take your pants. We're Bro, we're brothers.

[Jake Johnson]

No, man, I was thinking the same thing.

[Announcer]

Angelica, whose haunted dolls look like Jake and Garrett.

[Jake Johnson]

Look down. Look at the big fat baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are. You got a new nickname. You got a new nickname.

[Jake Johnson]

Weird guy, Big fat baby, Stone Road.

[Announcer]

Who does not have a foot fetish.

[Jake Johnson]

What can we do?

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Yeah, so my friends think I have a foot fetish, but I most definitely do not have a foot fetish.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, thanks for the call, my man. We'll talk to you.

[Announcer]

So clearly as a fetish who leaves stains on his towels in the sauna.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Emailing into a podcast about my dirty asshole. And I'm not gonna try everything.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Nick, I'm wrong. You're.

[Brian (pickleball winner)]

Honestly, I'm offended.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, take.

[Jake Johnson]

Who's your guess?

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are some. I mean, there's some throwbacks Ostrich guy was probably like, you know, first two sessions. Yeah, I. It's hard. It. I. I think I'm gonna go. Nick. I just think the shit stains were.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But also when I. When she says constantly masturbating that I.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going the Greenfield one. The circumcision, also a great one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's great options, buddy. Damn it. What a tease. All right, here we go. Top Call.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth. Do it the way you want to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Do it the way you want to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Because next year I won't be able to do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Just don't try to be cute for the girls. Just do it the way you want to do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the winner of Top Call and rounding out the first annual Helpies is Robert Circumcision. We're not sure if he'll be calling or not. Do we know if we have him?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

He wouldn't commit and he is not here.

[Jake Johnson]

But what a win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a win.

[Jake Johnson]

Great call. Oh, he doesn't get a calendar.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

I did tell him he won. He doesn't get a calendar. Begging him for an audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was there a response at all?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Yes, there was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He just has. He's moved on, I guess.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear what it is I said.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

I sent him a pretty desperate message. I'm not gonna lie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so funny. Please.

[Jake Johnson]

What'd he say?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

He said, oh, wow.

[Irene (Best Song winner)]

Really?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

That's crazy. Send me the number to call and I'll try to find time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Respect. But guess what? It's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We don't even have his address, so we can't send him account.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's the reality. Great call. All of them were. Thank you to everybody who did call in. Yes, the Helpies were smash. They will be annual.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

This is great, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

January to January, fun to. I mean, you forget how so many crazy this show is.

[Jake Johnson]

So now we've got a very special moment. Rob Miranda, your best friend, he's in.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

The Patreon right now too. Listening.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob, we gotta get. Will we connect you to the duck guy? Mateo?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

I asked him if he would make a Gandalf for him.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You guys should connect though, in a real way. But Rob, we're about to see the thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, it's like he's getting put in Canton. This is like his bust in the hall of fame. I mean, this is shocking.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you walk me through all your thoughts?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't. What the fuck is happening? What has happened I mean, what. What's going through you right now? You're drunk on coffee.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're holding your best friend's head.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what's going through me is. This is. Taking. The calendar thing has been a really intense bit. This is. We're entering a world. I don't know what we're doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We're wrapping up the year with. This is. This is. Why do we have. We're in total recall now.

[Jake Johnson]

Why do we have a 3D sculpture? Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The idea that you're asking.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I love it. Rob, as always. You crushed it. We're gonna figure out what we're gonna do with it. It might live back there. Apex Rex for Flightless Bird. And ours. Whatever. We're in studio. It might go home with me. It might go home with Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not going home with me.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. I can for sure. I would love it. Yeah. I mean, we could pass it around a little bit. We could share it around.

[Jake Johnson]

We could pass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We can spread the wealth.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

There's two more things.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, there are? Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pictures.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

When you're ready.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we're ready.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Do you want Steve to sit next to you in this chair?

[Jake Johnson]

No, it's fine right here. All right, what's next? Whoa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're curious, kind of like. Oh, my.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a planter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

That's going home with me. I'm putting that in my building. I'm putting that in my backyard. With a plant coming out of its head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolute. I mean, unbelievable.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

Christmas gift for Aaron.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The thing is, Berg would love this.

[Jake Johnson]

Hand it to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Berg would love this, so. Oh, I could put my heirloom tomatoes in my own head.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If I grew fresh basil out of myself, how good would that be?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that has to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can make a pesto for Susie and I out of my own brain.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Unreal. Looks like it's from Greece.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, it does.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

And last thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Jesus Christ.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. You got a keychain. A Berg's head. Rob. Rob. Remember when Rob called and his problem was his wife was upset at how much he was obsessed with dinosaurs? He's now making keychains of Berg's head. Holy.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Have one of those.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Whoever wants. You know, by the way, we could send these to one of the winners.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just gonna say, you know what? Next year, if we want incredible, we could make little Berg trophies. And that is the helpy.

[Jake Johnson]

If you wanted, by the way. You know what? We could do. Well, Rob, let's do a deal next year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna commission little bergs and for the help statue. That's their statue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That little birdie guy with a little body.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

So he also sent these pictures. So when he was making Burke. That's his kid's birthday party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We should probably talk to Rob's wife at some point. Maybe do a check in.

[Jake Johnson]

See, that's gonna be an unringing of the bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Party hat.

[Jake Johnson]

Incredible.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

And then making bird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. With the no eyes. That's a incredible zombie.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

One more. Was there? Oh, the last one's the best one.

[Jake Johnson]

Just great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Man.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Is it coming?

[Jake Johnson]

Are we obsessed with Steve?

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

There it is. That's Rob's wife watching.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Cuddling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you want to have a framed picture, I mean, that's a pretty good frame.

[Jake Johnson]

That's pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, what else can we say? Thank you to all the callers. Thank you to everyone who worked on this here at Rabbit Grinu.

[Jake Johnson]

What a win. And thank you to you, G. Thank.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You to you, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

It's been a ton of fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best thank you to everybody and we're excited. So there we go, closing out the whole piece.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Hi there, this is Stephanie. I am a long time listener and I listen to your podcast religiously. I just finished episode 240 and you jokingly said, we're here to wed. And it made me laugh because I'm a local wedding planner in Ontario, Canada, and I would be thrilled and overjoyed to help out this couple in Florida. If someone can fly me there, I would be happy to plan or coordinate for them. Especially if Danny J. Is going to be our lovely officiant. I thought it's just so lovely and funny that this community, you know, it supports anybody for a wedding or for a kidney transplant or even a creepy doll in some museum. So I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring and offer that up should anybody need it.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Mr. Hot Takes]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Master by Chris Fall theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends. We talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so the audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcasts, and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

[Guest Helper (possibly Cat Reitman or Nicole Byer)]

You were?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm really sorry.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

I felt the support. I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Reading seems pretty hard right now.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

It's a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think.

[Announcer]

You did good.

[Producer Jesse Thurston]

Thank you so much.

[Rolly (Best International Caller)]

You're welcome.