We're Here to Help

Episode 243: "Birthday B*tch & Luberacci" (with Dave Holmes)

Release Date: December 24, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Dave Holmes

Episode Overview

In this lively, irreverent episode, Jake and Gareth are joined by writer, editor, and podcast host Dave Holmes to take on two uniquely awkward listener dilemmas: one about integrating into a restaurant's birthday pie-in-the-face tradition, and another about surviving family embarrassment after being caught with an extravagant assortment of lube and sex toys during airport security. The trio's blend of supportive advice, banter, and comedic detours leads to outrageous stories (like being banned from the San Diego Zoo for drunken giraffe heckling), creative problem-solving, and lots of memorable one-liners.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Introduction & Icebreaker Stories

[01:00–06:35]

• Dave Holmes’ Media Plugs
  • Holmes lists his work for Esquire, his "Troubled Waters" podcast, and his limited series on MTV history.
• San Diego Zoo Banning Story
  • Dave recounts being banned after a crew member drunkenly insulted a giraffe during filming.
  • Quote:
    • "For calling a giraffe a little bitch." – Dave Holmes [05:00]
    • The incident spirals into a discussion about social media call-outs and the perils of online arguments.
• Takeaway:
  • The group sets the goofy and confessional tone that persists throughout the episode.

2. Caller #1: The Birthday Pie Tradition Dilemma

[08:39–29:34]

Overview:

“Ellie” (pseudonym for Deborah/Debro), a 30-year-old server newly working part-time at a Florida restaurant, struggles with how to signal that she wants to participate in the workplace’s "pie in the face" birthday tradition—without seeming needy or awkward as the “new girl.”

Major Discussion Beats:

• Caller Set-Up
  • Debro is shy, wants to fit in, and fears colleagues may skip her in the slicing, since she works few shifts and isn’t fully in the social fold yet.
• Clarifying the Issue
  • Dave and Gareth probe for details: timing of birthdays, how the tradition works, specifics of her employment.
  • Quote:
    • "You want them to pie you in the face, and you're worried they think you're, I guess, as you say in Florida, too snowflakey to get pied in the face." – Gareth [12:24]
• Florida Restaurant Culture Detour
  • Dave describes outlandish FL dining ("Bacon Bitch") in a long comic aside, comparing it with Debro's relatively low-key workplace.
  • "Are you a hungry bitch?" [17:32] and "Birthday bitch!" [18:15] – Dave Holmes

Advice & Solutions:

• Jake’s Pitch: Plan A & B
  • Subtly let coworkers know she’s game (e.g., prepping her own pie in case the staff doesn't do it).
  • Or, ask a trusted coworker (Jack) to orchestrate it at the right time.
  • "Just letting people know: Deborah is into the pies." – Jake [20:57]
• Dave’s Pitch: Emotional Signal
  • Publicly show delight when others are pied—evoke “family” or “childlike wonder”—so colleagues get that she’s into it without needing to ask outright.
  • Roleplay Practice:
    • “Give a reaction as though you are watching a baby take their first steps or a dog standing on its hind legs." – Dave [21:59]
• Combining Approaches:
  • Use both emotional signaling and direct conversation with a coworker (Jack) to smooth the path.
  • Optional: express interest to management under the guise of practical concerns (e.g., whether to prepare extra clothes).
• Consensus:
  • Plant seeds in different directions so colleagues know she’s “part of the family” and wants to join the fun.
  • "It is an emotional risk to say, like, I think this is fun. And it makes me feel like you guys are a family." – Dave Holmes [24:37]

Ending:

• Debro agrees to employ the combined approach, planning to keep the hosts posted about her birthday and the potential pie-ing outcome.
• Memorable Moment:
  • Dave on self-pieing: "You don't want to pie yourself. That is really… that is a last-ditch." [28:33]

3. Caller #2: "Luberacci" and the Family Lube Baggage

[29:40–50:22]

Overview:

“Liam,” a 22-year-old from Ottawa, Canada, tells a mortifying story—during Christmas airport security, his bag was searched, revealing not one but multiple bottles of lube (plus condoms, fun cards, and furry handcuffs), all in front of his mother and girlfriend (but thankfully not grandma… yet).

Major Discussion Beats:

• Security Fiasco Details
  • Liam, traveling with girlfriend/family, is stunned as security produces an "intimidating" sex kit from his backpack.
  • Quote:
    • "My mom was like, is that the second bottle of lube? [...] And the security guard looks at me, and he pulls out a second bottle of lube." – Liam [31:42]
    • "Are you going through narrow doorways?" – Dave [31:55]
• Visual Gag:
  • Shared photo of contents: lube in bilingual packaging, Durex condoms ("Sensi thin"), Trojan items, “fuzzy love cuffs,” and a potato with a joke sticker.
  • Color commentary: "The color story that is being told here is really strong. There's a lot of purples, there's a lot of hot pinks…" – Dave [32:56]
• Family Fallout:
  • Story has become family lore, spawning nicknames: "Lubatious," "Little Lube Boy," "Luberace." [36:41]
  • Liam dreads that his mother and stepdad will share this with his visiting grandma during "convocation" (graduation).
• Family Openness Context
  • Family is comedically, sometimes uncomfortably, open about sex and embarrassing trivia.
  • "She [mom] gave herself the nickname 'sugar tits,' which was an interesting thing to say to her kids." – Liam [39:34]
• Central Dilemma:
  • Should Liam try to pre-empt or mitigate the story’s impact, or just roll with it?

Advice & Solutions:

• Jake’s “Muddy the Waters” Pitch
  • Secretly ship a “pornucopia” of sexy items to his parents’ house for comic confusion, making the whole family seem complicit, not just Liam.
• Dave’s “Fully Own It” Approach
  • Embrace the lube-laden persona; joke about it, shamelessly play along, sap the story’s teasing power.
  • "The less comfortable you visibly are about this, the more they're gonna push, right? So get comfy with it. Lub spiritually." [43:33]
  • "Become Lubacious. Maybe you get yourself some sort of like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat cape, maybe you lean into Lubacious." – Gareth [43:40]
• Embellishments (for Extra Flair):
  • Dress the part with a “Lubacious” crown, cape, or custom hat (“Grandma to a Sex Machine”).
  • Get girlfriend involved with costuming for family events.
  • Respond to family with puns (“Luke the Vandross,” “Lube Daddy,” “Liam the Luber”).
• Practical Note:
  • Future tip: use travel-size bottles and put all sex products in checked luggage, not a carry-on.
    • "Let me introduce you to something called travel size...That's what you need to be filling with the lube you're bringing away for a week." – Gareth [49:59]

Ending:

• Liam enthusiastically vows to “morph into lube man. Lubacious is going to become a real person.”
• Hosts urge Liam to send photo/video evidence of the eventual family encounter.
• Memorable Moment:
  • "It is your world. We're just lubing it." – Gareth [50:22]

Notable Quotes & Funniest Moments

• "For calling a giraffe a little bitch." – Dave Holmes, on getting banned from the San Diego Zoo [05:00]
• “Birthday bitch! About time to do some birthday shit.” – Dave, quoting a song from “Bacon Bitch” [18:30]
• "Deborah's into the pies." – Jake Johnson [20:57]
• "You want them to pie you in the face, and you're worried they think you're, I guess, as you say in Florida, too snowflakey to get pied in the face." – Gareth [12:24]
• “Maybe you lean into Lubacious.” – Gareth [43:40]
• "The less comfortable you visibly are about this, the more they're gonna push, right? So get comfy with it. Lub spiritually." – Dave [43:33]
• "It is your world. We're just lubing it." – Gareth [50:22]

Important Timestamps

• [01:00–06:35] – Dave Holmes' ban from the San Diego Zoo, establishing the episode’s comic energy.
• [08:39–29:34] – First caller ("Debro"/Ellie): The birthday pie-in-the-face conundrum, brainstorming, roleplaying solutions.
• [29:40–50:22] – Second caller (Liam/"Luberacci"): Sex-toy travel debacle, family embarrassment, leaning into the bit.
• Selected Key Quotes: [05:00], [12:24], [18:30], [20:57], [24:37], [43:33], [50:22]

Episode Tone & Takeaways

• The episode is energetic, silly, and encouraging—Jake, Gareth, and Dave riff, self-deprecate, and occasionally break into improv or roleplay that both disarms and empowers the callers.
• Both dilemmas demonstrate the hosts’ genuine fondness for "weird" or niche problems: whether it’s craving inclusion in odd team rituals or managing family lore about one’s sexual preparedness.
• The consensus advice is to join the fun, “own your weird,” and transform embarrassment into an inside joke.

Conclusion

Episode 243 is a showcase of We're Here to Help at its funniest and most compassionate: irreverent, supportive, and inventive. Gareth, Jake, and Dave deliver both practical strategies and encouragement to lean into the wild, pie-in-the-face and lube-laden moments in life—with all the whipped cream, wordplay, and wisdom you could hope for.