243: Birthday B*tch & Luberacci (with Dave Holmes)

Summary

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We're Here to Help

Episode 243: "Birthday B*tch & Luberacci" (with Dave Holmes)

Release Date: December 24, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Dave Holmes

Episode Overview

In this lively, irreverent episode, Jake and Gareth are joined by writer, editor, and podcast host Dave Holmes to take on two uniquely awkward listener dilemmas: one about integrating into a restaurant's birthday pie-in-the-face tradition, and another about surviving family embarrassment after being caught with an extravagant assortment of lube and sex toys during airport security. The trio's blend of supportive advice, banter, and comedic detours leads to outrageous stories (like being banned from the San Diego Zoo for drunken giraffe heckling), creative problem-solving, and lots of memorable one-liners.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Introduction & Icebreaker Stories

[01:00–06:35]

• Dave Holmes’ Media Plugs
  • Holmes lists his work for Esquire, his "Troubled Waters" podcast, and his limited series on MTV history.
• San Diego Zoo Banning Story
  • Dave recounts being banned after a crew member drunkenly insulted a giraffe during filming.
  • Quote:
    • "For calling a giraffe a little bitch." – Dave Holmes [05:00]
    • The incident spirals into a discussion about social media call-outs and the perils of online arguments.
• Takeaway:
  • The group sets the goofy and confessional tone that persists throughout the episode.

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2. Caller #1: The Birthday Pie Tradition Dilemma

[08:39–29:34]

Overview:

“Ellie” (pseudonym for Deborah/Debro), a 30-year-old server newly working part-time at a Florida restaurant, struggles with how to signal that she wants to participate in the workplace’s "pie in the face" birthday tradition—without seeming needy or awkward as the “new girl.”

Major Discussion Beats:

• Caller Set-Up
  • Debro is shy, wants to fit in, and fears colleagues may skip her in the slicing, since she works few shifts and isn’t fully in the social fold yet.
• Clarifying the Issue
  • Dave and Gareth probe for details: timing of birthdays, how the tradition works, specifics of her employment.
  • Quote:
    • "You want them to pie you in the face, and you're worried they think you're, I guess, as you say in Florida, too snowflakey to get pied in the face." – Gareth [12:24]
• Florida Restaurant Culture Detour
  • Dave describes outlandish FL dining ("Bacon Bitch") in a long comic aside, comparing it with Debro's relatively low-key workplace.
  • "Are you a hungry bitch?" [17:32] and "Birthday bitch!" [18:15] – Dave Holmes

Advice & Solutions:

• Jake’s Pitch: Plan A & B
  • Subtly let coworkers know she’s game (e.g., prepping her own pie in case the staff doesn't do it).
  • Or, ask a trusted coworker (Jack) to orchestrate it at the right time.
  • "Just letting people know: Deborah is into the pies." – Jake [20:57]
• Dave’s Pitch: Emotional Signal
  • Publicly show delight when others are pied—evoke “family” or “childlike wonder”—so colleagues get that she’s into it without needing to ask outright.
  • Roleplay Practice:
    • “Give a reaction as though you are watching a baby take their first steps or a dog standing on its hind legs." – Dave [21:59]
• Combining Approaches:
  • Use both emotional signaling and direct conversation with a coworker (Jack) to smooth the path.
  • Optional: express interest to management under the guise of practical concerns (e.g., whether to prepare extra clothes).
• Consensus:
  • Plant seeds in different directions so colleagues know she’s “part of the family” and wants to join the fun.
  • "It is an emotional risk to say, like, I think this is fun. And it makes me feel like you guys are a family." – Dave Holmes [24:37]

Ending:

• Debro agrees to employ the combined approach, planning to keep the hosts posted about her birthday and the potential pie-ing outcome.
• Memorable Moment:
  • Dave on self-pieing: "You don't want to pie yourself. That is really… that is a last-ditch." [28:33]

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3. Caller #2: "Luberacci" and the Family Lube Baggage

[29:40–50:22]

Overview:

“Liam,” a 22-year-old from Ottawa, Canada, tells a mortifying story—during Christmas airport security, his bag was searched, revealing not one but multiple bottles of lube (plus condoms, fun cards, and furry handcuffs), all in front of his mother and girlfriend (but thankfully not grandma… yet).

Major Discussion Beats:

• Security Fiasco Details
  • Liam, traveling with girlfriend/family, is stunned as security produces an "intimidating" sex kit from his backpack.
  • Quote:
    • "My mom was like, is that the second bottle of lube? [...] And the security guard looks at me, and he pulls out a second bottle of lube." – Liam [31:42]
    • "Are you going through narrow doorways?" – Dave [31:55]
• Visual Gag:
  • Shared photo of contents: lube in bilingual packaging, Durex condoms ("Sensi thin"), Trojan items, “fuzzy love cuffs,” and a potato with a joke sticker.
  • Color commentary: "The color story that is being told here is really strong. There's a lot of purples, there's a lot of hot pinks…" – Dave [32:56]
• Family Fallout:
  • Story has become family lore, spawning nicknames: "Lubatious," "Little Lube Boy," "Luberace." [36:41]
  • Liam dreads that his mother and stepdad will share this with his visiting grandma during "convocation" (graduation).
• Family Openness Context
  • Family is comedically, sometimes uncomfortably, open about sex and embarrassing trivia.
  • "She [mom] gave herself the nickname 'sugar tits,' which was an interesting thing to say to her kids." – Liam [39:34]
• Central Dilemma:
  • Should Liam try to pre-empt or mitigate the story’s impact, or just roll with it?

Advice & Solutions:

• Jake’s “Muddy the Waters” Pitch
  • Secretly ship a “pornucopia” of sexy items to his parents’ house for comic confusion, making the whole family seem complicit, not just Liam.
• Dave’s “Fully Own It” Approach
  • Embrace the lube-laden persona; joke about it, shamelessly play along, sap the story’s teasing power.
  • "The less comfortable you visibly are about this, the more they're gonna push, right? So get comfy with it. Lub spiritually." [43:33]
  • "Become Lubacious. Maybe you get yourself some sort of like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat cape, maybe you lean into Lubacious." – Gareth [43:40]
• Embellishments (for Extra Flair):
  • Dress the part with a “Lubacious” crown, cape, or custom hat (“Grandma to a Sex Machine”).
  • Get girlfriend involved with costuming for family events.
  • Respond to family with puns (“Luke the Vandross,” “Lube Daddy,” “Liam the Luber”).
• Practical Note:
  • Future tip: use travel-size bottles and put all sex products in checked luggage, not a carry-on.
    • "Let me introduce you to something called travel size...That's what you need to be filling with the lube you're bringing away for a week." – Gareth [49:59]

Ending:

• Liam enthusiastically vows to “morph into lube man. Lubacious is going to become a real person.”
• Hosts urge Liam to send photo/video evidence of the eventual family encounter.
• Memorable Moment:
  • "It is your world. We're just lubing it." – Gareth [50:22]

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Notable Quotes & Funniest Moments

• "For calling a giraffe a little bitch." – Dave Holmes, on getting banned from the San Diego Zoo [05:00]
• “Birthday bitch! About time to do some birthday shit.” – Dave, quoting a song from “Bacon Bitch” [18:30]
• "Deborah's into the pies." – Jake Johnson [20:57]
• "You want them to pie you in the face, and you're worried they think you're, I guess, as you say in Florida, too snowflakey to get pied in the face." – Gareth [12:24]
• “Maybe you lean into Lubacious.” – Gareth [43:40]
• "The less comfortable you visibly are about this, the more they're gonna push, right? So get comfy with it. Lub spiritually." – Dave [43:33]
• "It is your world. We're just lubing it." – Gareth [50:22]

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Important Timestamps

• [01:00–06:35] – Dave Holmes' ban from the San Diego Zoo, establishing the episode’s comic energy.
• [08:39–29:34] – First caller ("Debro"/Ellie): The birthday pie-in-the-face conundrum, brainstorming, roleplaying solutions.
• [29:40–50:22] – Second caller (Liam/"Luberacci"): Sex-toy travel debacle, family embarrassment, leaning into the bit.
• Selected Key Quotes: [05:00], [12:24], [18:30], [20:57], [24:37], [43:33], [50:22]

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

• The episode is energetic, silly, and encouraging—Jake, Gareth, and Dave riff, self-deprecate, and occasionally break into improv or roleplay that both disarms and empowers the callers.
• Both dilemmas demonstrate the hosts’ genuine fondness for "weird" or niche problems: whether it’s craving inclusion in odd team rituals or managing family lore about one’s sexual preparedness.
• The consensus advice is to join the fun, “own your weird,” and transform embarrassment into an inside joke.

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Conclusion

Episode 243 is a showcase of We're Here to Help at its funniest and most compassionate: irreverent, supportive, and inventive. Gareth, Jake, and Dave deliver both practical strategies and encouragement to lean into the wild, pie-in-the-face and lube-laden moments in life—with all the whipped cream, wordplay, and wisdom you could hope for.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

And we are back. Dave, It's a Wednesday.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[C]

Guest helper Dave Holmes has joined us. Dave, promote. You have. You are a jack of all trades. What. Where should people find you? What should people listen to? What should people read?

[A]

Well, I am. I am an editor at large for Esquire magazine. I have a column in our. In our, like, print issue. I have a podcast called Troubled Waters on the Maximum Fun Network every couple of weeks that comes out. I did a. A limited podcast about the story of MTV last year called who Killed the Video Star? That's out now as well. And then I.

[C]

You're all over.

[A]

But I'm all over the. I'm everywhere but the bank, Garrett.

[C]

Well, that's a good way of putting it, isn't it? But you are banned from the San Diego Zoo.

[A]

I am banned for life from the San Diego Zoo. For life? Yes.

[C]

What happened?

[A]

I'll tell you. So I worked on a show. I'm not going to say which show, but I was hosting a television show, and. And we were. We shot an episode at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park. Okay. Which is not the San Diego Zoo proper. Okay. But it's like, it's a little bit north, and it's like, it's on a ton of land. And they have, you know, it's like an African safari, but it's in, like, Temecula. Sure. And. And so we recorded an episode there, and one of the other people I worked with and two of the other people I worked with got real drunk during this shoot. They would occasionally nip a whiskey. Yeah. Occasionally. Have like, a little, you know, just to kind of. To lubricate things, as it were. Sure. And. But it was like a hot day. Things got a little bit out of hand, and so two people on the crew got drunk as shit. And. And so we were on these flatbed trucks going through the safari park and, like, stopping where we could, like, if there was a nice view to get a quick, you know, get a take and then go. And we went through the giraffe area. And the people from the park who were on the trucks with us were like, one of these giraffes is really aggressive, and we forget which one. Yeah. So. But they were like, you can feed them. And so they gave us these, like, Yukon eucalyptus leaves to, like, you know, feed them. And they, like, the big long tongue comes out and wraps around the eucalyptus leaf and sucks it in and whatever. But they were just like, just be gentle because they're easily spooked. And again, one of them. One of. One of them might hurt you.

[C]

Yeah, one of them's a wild card.

[A]

Yeah, it's the one with the long neck.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. And so we were, you know, everyone was kind of gently feeding them little eucalyptus leaves. And then one of the drunk people yelled to the giraffe, come here, you little bitch. I'm going to feed you. And so the. Yeah. So nobody attacked. Like, they didn't attack us, but the people from the park were like, all right, let's. Let's keep. Let's keep it moving.

[C]

So we kept going. It was not okay. I mean. Yeah, it's not okay. And this is one of the people who's drunk.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Okay. So a drunk person called the giraffe a little.

[A]

A little. And so, yeah, so we got through the day. And it was like, you know, it was.

[C]

It was.

[A]

We just barely got through the day.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

And. And then a. The production company got a letter a week later that said, we are not welcome back in the. Are you.

[C]

You. Do you think you could not get your names on? Everyone was banned.

[A]

I bet I could go, by the way. I could go. I'm sure. You know, it was a long time ago.

[C]

If I were you. And I'm not. And you won't do this. If I were you, I would put on a disguise and see if you can get back in there.

[A]

I. I doubt I didn't even need to do that, but I did.

[C]

I still think this guy did receive.

[A]

A letter that we are. Yeah. Officially banned.

[C]

For calling a giraffe a little bitch.

[A]

For calling giraffe a little bitch. So that I will say that. That the person who did that was a. Was a makeup artist. And like, years later, I was working on a different show and. And I told that story because it's fucking ridiculous.

[C]

Ridiculous.

[A]

Bad for. Anyway, and I told. I told that story and it got. And I should. I should have known better than to tell that story in the makeup chair because one of the other makeup women knew that person and got a hold of that person, and then that person got real mad at me on Facebook. Oh, yeah.

[C]

And what was like, you're talking giraffe.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

And. And. And I was like, listen, I just. It was a funny story. I got too drunk that day. Whatever. But she. And I. I will never forget this because I can't. It won't leave my brain. She. This woman was like. She also smoked a lot of weed. This. This woman.

[C]

This is great.

[A]

And. Yeah. And. And she was like, you know, how dare you try and ruin my reputation? And she. She meant to write, sure, I smoke pot or whatever, but she spelled it wrong. And she's like, sure, I smile pot. I smile pot.

[C]

You like for. To prove that you're not a train wreck. To just. It's so simple. A quick spell check.

[A]

Just a quick. Just. Just a proof. Proofread with your own eyes.

[C]

It's. I. When you have an argument with someone online and they use. And you're like, yes, buddy, I've won.

[A]

You have won.

[C]

You have won. Well, some great calls. You're a great guest helper, Dave.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[C]

People should. You are endlessly talented, so people should go follow you and listen to you and read you and. And it's a Wednesday show, so things get a little wet. Wild. And without. And Winnie without. We're winning. Without further ad. And we are brought to you by Quints. Oh, cold mornings, holiday plans. You know the deal. This is just when you need your wardrobe to work. And that's why I. And we always depend on quints. Quince makes it very easy to look sharp, to feel good, and to find gifts that last. You could get that Mongolian cashmere sweater, or you could get an Italian wool coat. Quint's pieces are crafted from premium materials and built to hold up with the luxury markup. They give you the essentials that every guy needs. Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50, Italian wool coats that look and feel designer, and denim and chinos that fit. Their outerwear lineup is no joke. They've got down jackets, wool top coats, leather styles built to last. Each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards and craftsmanship and ethical production. I cannot say enough good stuff about qu. I exhaust people at holiday parties. They're like, shut up. They cut out the middleman and traditional markups, Quint's delivers the same quality as luxury brands at a fraction of the price. It's everything you actually want to wear, built to hold up season after season. So get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with quints. Don't wait. Go to quints.com heretohelp for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com heretohelp for free Shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com help. All right. Hello, caller, are you there?

[D]

Hi, yes, how are you guys today?

[C]

We're good. Thank you for being so pleasant. Where are you? You've got a Midwestern sort of disposition.

[D]

Oh, that's sweet. I'm actually in Florida, so not quite Midwestern.

[C]

I was just there. It's. It's wild.

[D]

Yes, it is.

[C]

Okay, can we get your name, your approximate age and where. Where in Florida you're calling from, Address wise?

[D]

Oh, perfect. Okay. Yeah, I'll give you my exact address. Actually, I'm going to go with a fake name. Okay, so we're going to go with Ellie.

[C]

Ellie. Can I ask what led you to Ellie? Is there. Was there an Ellie in your life at some point?

[D]

No, no, I was just trying to think of names. My sister suggested Deborah and I just did not like that suggestion. So I'm.

[C]

Since we're making it up. Yeah. Since we're making. Yeah. What was your.

[A]

Can I talk yet?

[C]

Yeah, you. So. So let me explain. That's my favorite question. So. So, Ellie, quote, unquote, so. Or Deborah. Dave Holmes is joining us for this call. Ellie.

[A]

Hello, Ellie.

[C]

Deborah. Dave is a force to be reckoned with, not only in media, but also with his kind spirit, his great advice.

[A]

Deborah, when you think of Deborah, is it D E B R A or is it D E B O R A H?

[C]

It's got to be the H I.

[D]

Honestly, it's a. It's a fake name, so I don't like it either way.

[A]

But just like in your head, what are you seeing when you sign your name as Deborah? How are you doing it?

[D]

D E B R O H. Debro. I don't know.

[C]

Debro. All right, so we're gonna go with Debro. We are gonna go with Debro.

[A]

Perfect.

[C]

So Debro. Deborah. Approximate age?

[D]

30.

[A]

Okay, 30.

[C]

All right, so Deborah, you've got. You've got Dave, who's probably sweaty. He's definitely dirty.

[A]

No, no, no, I'm very clean. I did take the shower.

[C]

Oh, you did?

[A]

I prioritize self care.

[C]

Wow, that's. You didn't want to do. We're help. Okay, so. So Deborah, what's going on? What can we help you with?

[D]

Okay, so I just recently moved to a new city, like about three months ago, and I started a job at a restaurant in the area. And a tradition of the restaurant is when it's an employee's birthday that said employee gets pied in the face. So Florida, I am kind of shy and really new, trying to make some friends with my co workers, but obviously the team has kind of been working together quite a while. It's not a place where people leave often. And so I just. My question is how do I let them know that I'm open to the tradition? And I. Because I basically want to get pied in the face for my birthday, but I'm afraid that they don't know me well enough and I think it's going to be like mean or something if they do it.

[C]

Wait, I'm a little confused. Yeah, you, you are okay with the pie in the face?

[D]

Yes, I am okay with a pie in the face.

[C]

And you're worried. You explain your problem. Again, I'm a little confused.

[A]

Yeah, I am too.

[D]

No problem. Okay, so I basically, because I think that they will think that it's mean because they don't know me very well because I just started, oh, your birthday.

[A]

Must be coming up real soon.

[D]

Shy, trying to make friends. I think that they might think it's mean if they just like pie the new girl in the face for her birthday.

[C]

You are. You want them to pie you in the face and you're worried they think you're, I guess, as you say in Florida, too snowflakey to get pied in the face.

[A]

Oh, wow. Yeah, sure.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

So. Huh.

[A]

Okay, wait, hold on, hold on. How long. When is your birthday?

[D]

My birthday's in like three, four weeks.

[A]

Three or four weeks. Unsure about the date of your own birthday, Deborah?

[C]

Well, Deborah, that's how Deborah is.

[A]

Okay. And how long have you worked at this restaurant?

[D]

About three months.

[A]

This is. So it will have been more than four months before from the. You fill out your start paperwork to you get pied in the face on your birthday.

[D]

Exactly. Yes.

[A]

What do you think is an appropriate amount of time to work there before you get pied in the face or have you heard with the sincerity that you're hoping for, or have you heard.

[C]

That they like take it easy on people or something? Is this a founded fear?

[D]

Yeah, this is just a thing that they do. And I didn't even know about this until like a couple of weeks ago. And because somebody got pied in the face for their birthday and I didn't realize that that was even like a thing that they did. And now I'm like, oh, my birthday's coming up. They don't really know me that well. They don't know my birthday is coming up. But I do want to get pied in the face. But I don't want to be like, hey, by the way, it's my birthday. Will you pie me in the faces.

[A]

Of employment have ways of knowing when your birthday is?

[C]

Yes. Okay.

[A]

I will refer back to the start paperwork that you filled out about three months ago. It's on there. So the manager has a list of birthdays. So it's coming. I don't think you need to ask for it.

[C]

Well, here's what I would do because I think Dave's right. I think they're gonna. Four months at a restaurant shop. Like, do you, do you not feel like you're part of the restaurant? I feel like when I've worked in restaurants four months, I'm like, I got my. You're good. Yeah. Do you, do you feel like you're still an outlier A little bit.

[D]

Well, I work two jobs and at one point I was working three. So I like have been part time there for quite a while. So I'm not as, I'm not as, like I maybe work there one day a week now just because I Other jobs too. So. And it would be definitely, I'm trying to get to know more people, but I, you know, sometimes I'll work. I won't work with the same person. Like, like weeks apart. What do you make sense?

[C]

What do you do at the restaurant?

[D]

I'm a server.

[C]

So you're a server. Okay. I kind of have a pitch, Dave, because I kind of, I kind of get the idea if she's part time, that I kind of get the idea that she might be on the pie bubble a little bit, that maybe they're not going to do it for a part timer. I. But I also would think that they would if it were me. Honestly, I would just like let them know I'm open to it. But I have a way that maybe we can help raise your profile and get you a pie in the face. But Dave, you're the guest, so if you have something first, go ahead.

[A]

No, I, all I have is questions. When we all do. When in the server's shift, would the pieing take place?

[C]

Good question.

[A]

Right. When you get there, is it at the end of the night when you're. When you're cleaning up, when.

[C]

Yeah, because it's a weird thing. If I was, like, in a restaurant and, like, eating and I saw this happen, I'd be like, all right, well, I'm not coming back here. This is like a clown factory.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

In the random time throughout the shift, so it's not a designated point.

[A]

Oh, so they really keep you on your toes. You're really.

[C]

So you're torture.

[A]

Yeah. You're not. You're not fully present mentally in your shift because in the back of your mind, there's a pie. Is it. Is now? Is it. Are we talking. Talking a pie plate full of whipped cream that they might do in the movies? Or is. Or is this a hot pie right out of the oven? Not a hot pie.

[C]

No. But has the pie been. Has the. Have they gone to a place where this would be a good pie to eat? Or is it a prop pie? I'm guessing prop pie.

[D]

Well, yeah. It's not. Yeah, obviously you're like, it's not. They don't just, like, go buy a pie.

[C]

Debra, don't. Obviously, Dave's question. First of all, Dave, I'll stop it. Don't. Don't you. Obviously Dave's question. You have brought one of the odd in the show's history, to be quite fair.

[A]

It truly. Yeah, it's an Ottawa. Okay. I just want to take. This isn't. I just want to dig. I want to tell you about a place that I went to in Florida, and maybe this is the place you work. I hope not. But it was on South Beach. My partner and I were in south beach, and we did a Yelp search for Sunday brunch, and a restaurant came up called Bacon Bitch. And we said, well, we have to go to Bacon Bitch Florida.

[C]

Florida's wild.

[A]

Florida is so wild. It's wild. So, yeah, so we went to birthday, and it's literally Bacon Bitch. Bacon Bitch.

[C]

You're solving this. Birthday bitch.

[A]

Oh, did I say birthday? Well, we'll come around to that because. So first of all, you go up to the. To the hostess stand, and she asks, are you a hungry bitch? Like, I'm not kidding. And then they put you on the list, and then you wait at the bar, and they ask, at the bar, are you a thirsty bitch? And it's like. And it's one of these places where you get a Bloody Mary and there's like.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

16 inch piece stuck into it, the top of it.

[C]

And a burrito. It's just a burrito with a straw and some tomatoes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of a New York strip on a skewer. And. And when it's someone's birthday and it was like 18 different people's birthdays, they come out and they twerk on you and they play a song called Birthday.

[C]

Which I only come around so much on this place in your description.

[A]

Honestly. I mean, you do have to go there once. Yes. And of course there's like a wall of greenery with neon cursive that's like, you know, eat bitch or whatever.

[C]

It's like eating on Love Island.

[A]

It's exactly like eating on Love Island. But the only line that I remember from the song Birthday Bitch is it's your birthday bitch. About time to do some birthday shit. Which it's great anyway, you can find it on Spotify. So I guess my question is, do you work at Bacon Bitch?

[D]

I do not work at Bacon.

[C]

Do you know of Bacon?

[A]

Is. Are there elements of Bacon Bitch? Okay, Are there elements of bacon in this place? Like, is it. Is it a grown up restaurant? Is it a Chuck E. Cheese for grown ups? What is. What's the general.

[D]

No, it's really not campy or anything like that. It's very like. It's just a, like a fun kind of laid back environment though. But it's not like, there's not like a theme.

[A]

Dave.

[C]

But Dave, you're asking and I'm not. I was in Florida and I was like, you know what? I'm back in on Florida. But you're asking someone, someone from Florida if it's camping. It's.

[A]

That's.

[C]

He can't. You know what I mean?

[A]

It's like the scale is off.

[C]

Yeah. You're like asking someone from New Orleans if they're experiencing humidity in a humid space. Like, imagine. Yeah. So. Okay, well, Deborah, I'm gonna give you a pitch. And Dave, feel free to punch it up or throw your own out there. There's strength and options. But. But this is what I would do. I think I kind of understand your position because you are like. It is weird to be like, I want the pie in the face. It's kind of weird. You know, I think you're also maybe a little more on the bubble because you're part time. I feel like maybe you're a little more reserved and there's probably some real outgoing people here. So. But I think what you need to do is find A way to, to be open if they're going to pie you, but also plan be it a little bit. So what I would say is one of two things. Either you have someone waiting in the bullpen with a pie that you can text as your shift is winding down to come in, pie you in the face so that you can say to them in a creative way, I just want you to know that next time it's my birthday, which is today, I want the pie in the face because I'm part of the team. Or you bring your own whipped cream pan setup, and when you're there, you ask one of the servers that you're close with towards the end of your shift to pie you in the face. Same kind of sentiment at the end. You're just sending, you're just letting people know. Deborah is into the pies.

[A]

Deborah's into the pies. Yeah. My, my, my advice is similar to that. And I have, I just have one more question. Like, who's your. Who is your favorite person at the. Who's your favorite co worker at this restaurant? You can give him a fake name.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're great at this.

[D]

Yeah, I've done well so far.

[A]

Yeah, I know you're killing it, Deborah.

[C]

You've been great.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, I will. Let's just go with Jack.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So let's call him Jack. Let's call him Jack. So you got, you got a month. You got four to five weeks. Three to five weeks until your birthday. If you and Jack are on the same shift and it's someone else's birthday and they get pied in the face, I think what you need to do is, is express how much you are enjoying watching that. But not in a way that is straightforwardly saying, like, God, I hope someday somebody pies me in the face. I think you need to give a reaction as though you are watching.

[C]

A.

[A]

Baby take their first steps or a dog standing on its hind legs. I don't know why these are all walking examples, but you to give a reaction that is like pure childlike wonder and bliss. Can you, well, like, can you quickly practice one of those just so we can get a sense?

[C]

So, Dave, Dave, let, let's do this. And I'm gonna follow up your pitch with an alt pitch. But let's do that, Deborah. So I'll be the staff pying someone in the face, and you approach Jack, who will be Dave with the energy Dave's asking you for. Okay. So, okay. Oh, that's right, Carl, you're part of the team. Eat pie we're just. Hey, for those of you who've never been to maybe the second weirdest establishment in Florida, we do this when. We love a server here. It's his birthday. Go clean up. That's how we do it. All right, now we.

[A]

Oh, Debrow. This is a thing we do here. I don't know how I feel about it. What's your take?

[D]

Oh, Jack, that is so cool. It just makes me feel like you're all such a good, close family, part of the team, and. Wow. I just. I just am so glad that you have that type of camaraderie here.

[A]

I.

[C]

It's pretty.

[A]

I loved that. I loved it. Honestly, the. When you said the word family, that hooked me in emotionally. And I was there for a while.

[C]

And he was Jack. Keep in mind, Dave, I was just.

[D]

Like dog legs and the baby walking for the first time. Vibes.

[A]

Yeah. And I don't know if you caught the curveball that I threw you there, but Jack wasn't 100% sure about how he felt.

[C]

Oh, no, no, Dave, I don't think we lost the beautiful angle that Jack and I love it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, I think that's good. Deborah. I would. My alt pitch on that would be pull Jack aside two weeks before your birthday and say, hey, I kind of dig that pie in the face thing. Do you think they'll do it to me, or are they not going to do it to part timers? So that would be my alt pitch that could lead into my first pitch, but I kind of like, like Dave's pitch the best. But this show is about you, Deborah. So you've got your three pitches. You've got the first pitch, which is that you have a plan B. You take advantage of the. The vacuum. If they don't have a pie in the face for you, you've got Dave. When you see the pie in the face at work and you and Jack are on the same shift, you go over to him and you let him know how much that would mean to you if you had it happen. And then the third pitch is just approach Jack and try to get him to kind of plant the seeds that you want that to happen.

[A]

You know, it is an emotional risk to say, like, I think this is fun. And it makes me feel like you guys are a family, like that's. You're really going out on emotionally. I think there's a practical way to do it, which is to say, like, whether or not I'm gonna have pastry and cream on my face and on the collar of What I'm wearing. It does sort of affect what I'm going to wear to work that night. So just. Can I get it. Can I get a vibe check on whether the Gallagher A pie is coming? Right.

[C]

I also like that one. I think. I think you could do Dave's first pitch as a heat check and then go into a secondary port of call if you liked it. But. But Deborah, it's up to you. So what do you think you're going to do? Or what combo are you going to do? Or have we missed Jake Johnson so much on this call that. That it's been terrible. It is a weird problem. It's a very niche problem.

[A]

It is a strange, weird problem.

[C]

It's boutique.

[D]

Yeah. So I think I'm gonna probably do like the two. Two parts of it. Maybe I do like Dave's pitch of the kind of like expressing like, your like, feelings around it. I think that's like having like a reaction. My only concern with that is I don't know if there's gonna be a birthday within the next, like, couple weeks for me to have that type of reaction, you know.

[A]

So how big a restaurant are we talking?

[D]

Yeah, it's a pretty small restaurant. So the. I mean, it's pretty like.

[C]

Okay, I got. Allow me to throw. Allow me to throw something in the direction of that. Find out. I mean, you work with these people, there is a way for you to find out when there's going to be a birthday. And what I would say is if you feel like it's not going to match up with your schedule, which is a rational fear, I would find a way to figure out a birthday, the next birthday that's going to happen there. And I would try to go into work that day. And even if you don't see it, which you might, you can still on that day to Jack say, do you know when they're going to pie Sally in the face? Like, I don't know. I just love that. Like, to me that's. Then you go into the Dave pitch.

[D]

Okay. Yeah, I like that because that kind of helps. Like, that's a good.

[C]

It's a, A, a plan B on the.

[A]

And is.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is this always. I have a lot of questions here still. Is this done on the birthday proper or is it just sort of the. The shift that is closest to your birthday?

[C]

Great question too.

[D]

Yeah. From my understanding, because, like, you can't like all the time be working on your birthday. I think it's the shift closest to the birthday.

[A]

So birthday observed.

[C]

That does open up my last pitch, which would be go to management and say to one of the managers, that is the coolest. Hey, I have a question. Do you know the next time someone's getting the birthday pie in the face, I just hope I can see one. Like I love it. So I kind of want to see if one's going to match up with my shift. If not, I might just come in and eat that day with my friend to show her how awesome it is. Like to me it's kind of like the fan. Then you're in the Dave pitch.

[D]

Oh, that's also a good, that's a good one as well. I think like a good combination of the three could work really well.

[C]

There's a few ways to start floating out there that, that you're, you're a pie fan and.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And I think they'll do it. I think plant enough of those seeds. So. So here's what you should do. Come back on, let us know how it goes. You're probably going to jump back. I mean this is going to be within six weeks. So.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Figure out which one you'll do. I think there, there's a few options and I would, you know, employ a couple of them and see and. And again there's always that nuclear one of day of just have some whipped cream and a pie canister in the car to self pie if you want.

[A]

You don't, you don't want to pie yourself. That is really. That is a last ditch. Okay.

[C]

Yeah. See Dave, See Dave. I was so supportive of everything you've said and then you come at me and Deborah.

[A]

No, I think you've given some wonderful options. I just feel like that one, that is, that is the drop dead.

[C]

It's nuclear. Yeah, that is nuclear. That is, there's no. I'm just saying. And I'm just saying you might even at the end of it be like I don't want to do like you might just be the person who just has whipped cream and pie accoutrement on their car and that's okay too.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

But let us know, you'll get a.

[D]

Vibe weird in Florida. People are crazy in Florida.

[C]

Did you hear the restaurant Dave just described?

[A]

Yeah. No.

[C]

All bets are off.

[A]

All bets are off in Florida. What's your favorite dish at this restaurant front?

[D]

Oh, probably a cheese quesadilla.

[A]

Cheese quesadilla. Simplicity.

[C]

Well, Deborah, let us know how it goes. Keep us posted. Okay.

[D]

Okay. Thank you both so much. It was.

[A]

Happy birthday.

[C]

Yes. Happy birthday soon and we'll talk to you soon.

[D]

Okay, talk to you soon.

[A]

Bye.

[C]

All right, caller.

[A]

Hello.

[C]

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome. Good, you've got Gareth, and you've got guest helper Dave Holmes joining us today.

[E]

Dave Holmes.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, and. Oh, my God, are we speaking with.

[C]

Who are you?

[E]

My name is Liam.

[A]

Liam. Great to meet you, Liam.

[C]

Where are you calling from?

[E]

I'm calling from Ottawa, Ontario and Canada.

[C]

Beautiful.

[A]

Be darned.

[C]

How old are you, Liam?

[E]

I know. I am at the ripe young age of 22. Going on 23.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'd ask you for a memoir title, but you shouldn't be even thinking about that right now.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Canadian, what's going on?

[E]

Yeah, well, I. I have a bit of an issue, and I need to keep it from my grandma, and I was hoping that you guys can. Can help that. So sometime around last Christmas, I was traveling to visit some extended family with my mom, my stepdad, and my girlfriend. And this is kind of a big deal because this was the first time that my girlfriend was going to meet my extended family. Okay. So we were pretty excited. And as we were going through airport security, my backpack got flagged, and I had no idea why. I mean, it's happened to me before, but I went over to the security guard and I was like, all right, what's the deal? And he says, is this your bag? And he opens it up and he pulls out a bottle of lube. I'm like, oh, my God. And then he goes, was this used before? And I was like, yeah, you can just throw it out. It's fine. Because at this point, my mom and my girlfriend were standing to the side trying to guess what was going on. My mom was like, I had a bottle of lube. Then the security guard puts it back in my bag. Yeah, my mom said that. And I was pretty embarrassed. And the security guard looks at me, and he pulls out a second bottle of lube.

[A]

What are you.

[C]

Did he. What's going on?

[E]

Well, you know, when the situation calls, you know, you got to be ready for anything.

[C]

And how dry is your situation?

[A]

Yeah. Are you going through narrow doorways?

[E]

Well, you know, sometimes, you know, you might be in tight spaces. Anyway, my girlfriend or my mom was like, is that the second bottle of lube? And my girlfriend standing beside her was like, yeah, that's right. But I had no idea that this was in my bag. I had a couple of other things in my bag, too. I sent some pictures in, so I don't know if they'd want to show them, but they would.

[A]

Liam, it's pretty awesome. Yeah.

[C]

You know what lube looks like, but. Okay. Is this about the other items that were curious.

[A]

I'm curious about the size. So many more.

[C]

Jesus Christ. Why is this. Okay, Dave.

[A]

Yeah, I'll. I'll talk.

[C]

Please. First of all. Okay, by the way, just so you know, this is an intimidating look. He's got a lot of stuff. This makes me feel like I'm lame.

[A]

But you know what? It's.

[C]

The.

[A]

Color story that is being told here is really strong. There's a lot of purples, there's a lot of hot pinks. Up in the upper left hand corner there is a potato that says life was all out of lemons. So here's a potato instead.

[C]

But that's not what we're.

[A]

That doesn't relate to the story. Or does it?

[E]

The potatoes, the solo thing. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, well, that's good to hear. So your story about being Canadian absolutely checks out because all three of the lubes that we see are described in English and French. Gel lubricants, Lubrifriance gel, Sensi thin mace. So we have some Durex condoms. Sensi thin.

[C]

Thin ones. Meaning he can hold himself in control for a while, which is a brag.

[A]

It's indicated by feathers. I don't understand. But that's okay. We have an explore. Just pure fun water based gel or gel basse dough from Trojan. We also have a Trojan houo. Is it closer or closer? Like, here's our Closer.

[C]

Closer.

[A]

Here's our closer lube. Okay. It's infused with vitamin E, which is very important. There are let's fool around cards and there are love fuzzy handcuffs. Love cuffs.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Fuzzy handcuffs.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

This was all in your bag?

[E]

It was all in my bag.

[C]

You swear to God?

[E]

I swear to God.

[C]

And you had no idea these were in your bag?

[E]

Well, here's the thing.

[A]

I currently.

[E]

Yeah, well, me and my girlfriend don't live together currently. And we're good. We're about to, but I. So I kind of bring it with me wherever I go and I frequently.

[C]

You check it? Did you check a bag?

[E]

I also checked a bag, but I didn't think to check my backpack because.

[C]

No, you crazy. In the check bag. That's. That's. I mean, you're 22, you're young, but.

[E]

Good Lord, I wish I knew.

[D]

Guys.

[E]

I couldn't. You guys don't know the embarrassment I felt going.

[C]

Did they take the. The handcuffs out in front of your mother too? There's no need for them to take those out. Although I guess they could it's kind of like.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[E]

They kind of, like, dangled them and then looked at me and then put them back in the bag quietly, and I. I was so embarrassed.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right. Anyway, this is some real life sitcom.

[C]

Shit that you're also.

[A]

Right now.

[C]

It's also novice traveler shit.

[B]

It.

[A]

Yeah. This TSA role, I mean, it's. I. I see a young Kathy Griffin, you know, doing the thing. Taking it out item by item, giving you the side eye.

[C]

Yeah, Like Eminem video style.

[A]

Yes. I have to ask, is there room for anything else in your backpack?

[E]

Oh, yeah, there's. There's room for more, but I have a special pocket for it.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Don't put your lume in that.

[A]

Okay, I see. I see. Okay, so, like, reading material, an iPad, a good set of headphones, a human fist, and a sampler platter of lubes. Lube Grief.

[C]

Just a butt. Liam, how does this relate to your grandma? So keep going.

[A]

Yeah. What's she got to do with it, right? Why she got to do that?

[E]

Obviously, I swore my mom and my stepdad to secrecy and all was well. And then I saw the rest of my siblings a few months later maybe, and somehow they all knew about the story. And they all had a nickname for me. It was Lou Batious. They call me Little Lube Boy. They call me Lubalicious now.

[C]

Luberace.

[E]

Like, it's gonna be Luberace. That's not a bad one. And the thing is. Yeah, My convocation is next, or it's in three days, actually, and my grandma is flying to Ottawa to see it. And as far as I know, she doesn't know the story. She's also staying with my mom.

[C]

What is she flying there for, sir?

[E]

My convocation. Just finishing university. She's coming by to watch the ceremony.

[C]

We call that graduation.

[A]

Yeah, I guess that's a French word that means graduation Convocation.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, we're real fancy up in convocation.

[C]

Sounds like what you need those furry handcuffs for.

[A]

Personal convocation.

[C]

Yeah. Okay, so Graham is flying to Ottawa for your convocation. Not a word.

[E]

Yeah, it's for. As far as I know, she doesn't know about this, but she's also staying with my mom and my stepdad for 10 days after, and I don't trust my parents to keep it a secret. But my question is, how do I either stop my grandma from thinking I'm some kind of sexual deviant, or if she finds out, how do I own this or erase it from her memory? Or, you know, how do I Go on living with this.

[C]

Do you really think your parents, your mom and stepdad are gonna tell your grandma that you travel with more lube than a porn shop?

[E]

Yeah, 1,000%. Yes. 1,000%.

[A]

Why? Why?

[E]

I think that my parents thrive off of these kinds of stories, you know, if I do something dumb, all 38 of my cousins are hearing about it kind of deal.

[A]

Well, but this, this gets into a. This, this is odd. This is difficult territory.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Because this proves conclusively to your mom. And I don't know what, you know what your. The sexual. I don't know if you're raised religious at all, if there was any, like, talk of. Of sexual ethics or anything like that, but this is. This is a story that proves conclusively that you are getting it on.

[C]

Right?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

But that might not be something that your mom wants your grandmother to know, because it might. And I don't. Again, I don't know what you're like. If it were my family, it would reflect. Well, I mean, if it. My mom calls my partner of 22 years my roommate. So whatever.

[D]

But.

[A]

But like anything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wild. So. But like anything that. That might indicate to her mother that she has been a mother who gave you looser morals, she might not want to say to her. You know what I mean?

[E]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah, no, my mom just let it all hang out.

[E]

Yeah, she gave herself the nickname sugar tits, which was an interesting thing to say to her kids.

[C]

So we're dealing with a family that is kind of open about this sort of stuff. I have a pitch.

[A]

I guess that's how we got here in the first place, isn't it?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, that's true. I mean, yeah, my mom had me at 21. My grandma had me at 20. So it's an active family.

[C]

Where you might have said this, where is grandma staying?

[E]

She's staying with my. With my mom and my stepdad, which is about. About two hours away from where I am.

[C]

All right, here's what we're gonna do. Are they coming to see you for your convocation?

[E]

They are indeed. Yeah.

[C]

Okay. I think there's a way for you to order a cornucopia, or what I'll call a pornucopia of stuff to your parents house with your stepdad's name on it and find a way for grandma to see that that stuff is associated with him. And then you're gonna make it seem like you're all involved in more of a porn slander war versus you are directly on an island alone, going through TSA with lube options, Thin mint rubbers, and your little play cards and fur cuffs.

[E]

Yeah, okay, that's actually not an awful idea.

[C]

I think you could go online and.

[E]

Find a place the other way.

[C]

Well, look, what would you rather. Would you rather be involved in World Porn 3 or would you rather them just sort of let it rip? I would say if you should let that show up there, your dad, Your stepdad's gonna open it. They'll probably be talking about it. They won't understand what happens. And then it. Worst case scenario, you can be like, yeah, those are fur cuffs that my stepdad put in my bag without me knowing because they keep trying to have this weird porn war with me that I didn't want you to know I was involved in. Just muddy the waters is my pitch.

[A]

Yeah, make them. Make them a little guilty. Yeah, you know, tell me the waters. Call me the waters. There's also just the possibility of fucking owning it. You're having freaky. It's pretty good freaky wet sex. You're having slick, well lubricated, partially restrained sex, as the cards dictate. What are some of the activities that. That you are directed to do by these cards?

[D]

Well, they.

[E]

Okay, well, they have to. I'll try to find them for you. But it's like lick your partner's torso down, that kind of thing.

[A]

Get down.

[E]

You know, it's nothing insane, but nothing.

[C]

Right. Stuff you already do.

[A]

Sexy suggestions.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[A]

Yeah. Well, you know what? It sounds like everybody who would make fun of you for this is a little bit chok. Jealous of you, aren't they? Because maybe, maybe they are not having sex. Or maybe the sex that they are having is dry and creates friction. Well, maybe is out of fresh ideas.

[C]

Maybe to that idea. Dave, we could do this in preparation of them spilling the beans. What if you order a hat that says grandma to a sex machine and when she comes down and she has this knowledge, you tell her you want her to be proud of you so you get that hat made for her to wear.

[A]

I like that.

[E]

Hey, Grandma, guess who's getting it on. Yeah, this guy.

[C]

Yeah, they're right. I do travel with fur cuffs and lube options.

[A]

Yeah, you don't. The less comfortable you visibly are about this, the more they're gonna push, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So get comfy with it. You know, lub spiritually. Yeah.

[C]

You've got to become lubacious. Maybe you get yourself some sort of like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat cape Maybe you lean into Lubacious.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Maybe you get a crown and a staff.

[E]

The world's most uncomfortable handshakes. It's my superpower.

[C]

Yeah. There it is.

[A]

What is your. What's your favorite lube?

[E]

My favorite one, I think. Well, anyway, the one I use Most is the H2O closer one.

[A]

That's your closer. What do you like about it? What do you like about it?

[E]

I don't know.

[D]

It's.

[E]

I mean, it does the job, and it's. I don't know. It's okay. Smelling, I guess. And it's got all that vitamin D, so, you know, get all your vitamins.

[C]

Sounds like you're giving her the vitamin D. Am I right, Liam?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I just want to get you comfortable and conversational talking about lubes, because this is, you know, for the time being, this is how you are known within your family. The only way. The only way to make this moment pass is to get comfy with it so that they know that they are not bothering you anymore. You take back your power, and you own it.

[C]

I like that, too. I would say in that pitch, you might want to get yourself a little bit of a costume that does sort of show both that you. Yeah, you are lubacious.

[A]

I do like a custom hat.

[C]

You are lube daddy. You could get a shirt that says Lubacious. You could get, like, a Dracula cape and bedazzle a little something on the back and get yourself some sort of staff. And when grandma shows up, it's like, yeah, grandma, that's right. Because I am Lubacious. I'm the king of lubes.

[A]

Put on lub and say, hey, does everyone like lube andros?

[C]

Luke the Vandross is good. I like that.

[A]

Yeah, do like Batman and robin from the 60s and just, like, work it in. Do puns.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Or you're Liam the luber.

[E]

Liam, can I get my girlfriend a costume, too?

[C]

Yes. No. You know what?

[A]

Yeah. I keep forgetting she's involved.

[C]

Yeah, I forgot. Well, there's. You got to put the lube on something. I do think that this sounds like it's probably right in the zone of your family's sense of humor. So I would say, why don't you get ahead of it? Why don't you start getting some lube merch together for when grandma comes? Get a crown for yourself. Get a crown for your girlfriend. And if grandma doesn't know, then you just let her know. This is who I am. Yeah.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

And you're Liam the luber. You're Lubacious. Yes. You're the Luber.

[A]

Was it your mom or your grandma? Yeah. There it is. Yeah. Any kind of utility.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Put the handcuffs on there. I can arrest people and stuff.

[C]

Yes. What were you going to ask, Dave?

[A]

I was going to ask was it your mom or your grandmother who calls herself sweetie tits or whatever.

[C]

Sugar tits.

[E]

Sugar, Sugar tits. It was my mom. It was my mom.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, Yeah. I think that's kind of right in the sense of humor of the family a little bit. So, Liam, we're suggesting that you either order a cornucopia box to your parents place where your grandma's going to be staying. We suggest. Yeah, I remember that pitch that happened more than anything. We're suggesting that you just. Just really lean into it and just make it part of your personality. And you almost take on a wrestler heel vibe with this for you and your girlfriend. Or in preparation, you get grandma a, you know, a hat that says grandma to a sex machine. But I think we all know where we kind of felt most comfortable. I'm lubed up, naturally, after this conversation. Liam, what are you thinking?

[E]

I'm thinking I'm gonna morph into lube man. Lubacious is gonna become a real person.

[C]

Great.

[E]

And we'll get a little weird with that.

[C]

Now, here's what the show needs.

[A]

We're not gonna get a little weird.

[C]

No, it's the lube checks in the mail. Here's what the show needs from you, Liam. We need pictures. We need some video of when grandma is first introduced to you as your alter ego. If indeed it happens, when it happens. We just need proof of life, proof of lube. That's what we need. Yeah. We need a proof of lube.

[E]

All right.

[A]

And even if she doesn't take the grandma to a sex machine hat, that's. It'll look great on you.

[C]

I agree.

[A]

A lifetime of fun memories.

[C]

That's like a Judah Friedlander hat. So I think. I think you should go with that. I would get her the hat made just for the finale of this moment. Moment. And I would really lean into it. That I think is going to make your family. There's. It. It takes some of the fun out of it for them, and it adds more of the fun into it for you. So I think that's a great idea.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Liam, you're in a tight spot, but I think you can get in. I think you can get yourself in there and do some great work.

[C]

Absolutely.

[E]

That's what the loop's for.

[A]

That's exactly right.

[C]

Yeah. Okay. All right, Liam, keep us posted. And I'm not gonna lie. I'm thinking about lube now more than I have in a while. I'm not a big lube. I'm not a big luber, but it seems like. No, no, but time.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, these are two. These are two brands I was not familiar with, so I'm gonna need to get myself back to the pleasure chest.

[C]

Bringing that much lube in a carry on is insane. I mean, how long are you gone?

[B]

That.

[C]

That is like a three month trip worth of lube you brought.

[E]

Well, this is just like I'd bring it generally with me, you know, and if we want to change up how much vitamin E we're getting, you know.

[A]

Because you can get too much.

[E]

We'll change the lube. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. You can't. You can never get too much. Yeah, well, it was about. It was about a week I was there.

[C]

I mean, that you brought. I mean that. The amount. It's like you were doing a tour of duty in Afghanistan with the amount of lube and you're just going away for a week. So.

[A]

For your like essentials. Backpack. Yeah.

[C]

For your. I might need on the plane.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. It's not like something that you check and it's okay if the. The bag gets lost. No, this is. This has got to stay with you at all times.

[C]

You my man. Let me introduce you to something called travel size. There's a whole section of Target. They've got it for you. That's what you need to be filling with the lube you're bringing away for a week. But.

[A]

But either way, you know better than remain full sized. So. But that I. That feel I. From here on out, just for practical reasons, that's. That's. Check back.

[C]

That's the move. But. But it is your world. We're just lubing it.

[A]

It.

[C]

Liam, good luck. Keep us posted. You little stinker. Go out there. Keep it greasy, baby. Have fun.

[E]

I will. Thanks, guys.

[A]

All right. Thank you. We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes, episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[C]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston editing mix and master by Chris Faller, theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stay stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[B]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod hi, I'm Nicole Byer.

[F]

Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends. Yeah, we talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

[C]

You were.

[F]

I'm really sorry.

[C]

The support.

[F]

I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

But I was like, I don't know. Reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot.

[D]

I think.

[A]

You did good.

[F]

Thank you so much.

[C]

You're welcome.