251: A Bridge To Trash & Poop Plinko

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 251: "A Bridge To Trash & Poop Plinko"

Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Date: January 19, 2026

---

Overview

This lively installment of We're Here to Help features hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds dispensing their signature blend of sincere and silly advice to callers with personal dilemmas. Despite repeatedly claiming they are unqualified, Jake and Gareth tackle a series of offbeat situations—ranging from awkward gift exchanges to creative solutions for a persistent bird poop problem and updates on previous neighborly entanglements. With their casual banter, the episode orbits around themes of healthy boundaries, friendship etiquette, and the creative use of calendars and bird decoys.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Jake’s Vegas Flu Misadventures (00:45–09:12)

• Jake begins by sharing his misadventures of catching the flu during a family trip to Las Vegas, reflecting on the challenge of being sick in the least restful of cities.
• Discusses over-the-counter medicine abuse, the ubiquity of cigarette smoke in Vegas, and the cultural shift post-smoking bans (“Once there’s a new rule, everyone just does it”—Jake, 05:10).
• The hosts trade childhood stories about dismissive parenting during injury and illness, and Jake muses on improvised parenting strategies.

2. Call 1: “Bridge to Trash” — The Overzealous Gift-Giver (15:42–33:01)

The Dilemma

• Caller “Amy” (16:03): A woman in Texas wants advice on ending an awkward ongoing gift exchange with a friend-of-a-friend ("Charles") who continues to give them personal, thoughtful gifts for holidays—including Valentine’s Day.
  • “The mutual obligation of giving gifts—it just needs to stop with this person.” (16:18)

Discussion & Advice

• Hosts are baffled and amused by the intensity and specificity of Charles’s gifts and especially him scheduling gift drop-offs.
  • “Valentine’s Day to a friend of a friend is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.” —Jake (17:22)
  • “The get together is a very interesting detail.” —Gareth (19:06)
• Jake suggests directness: sending out a group message declaring "no gifts this year" or pivoting to charity donations as a socially acceptable boundary. (21:30–22:57)
• The hosts brainstorm creative "exit" strategies, including gifting him with a show-branded “bird calendar” as a subtle hint, then escalating to oddball or outright trash items if the issue persists.
  • “The bird calendar is the bridge to trash.” —Jake (31:01)
  • “Turning you into the worst gift givers possible is pretty good and fun... just give him garbage.” —Gareth (28:02)

Notable Segment

• Memorable Solution Pitch: Using the bird calendar repeatedly, then moving to increasingly odd or unwanted regifts, and asking Amy to record the moment for the show. (25:43–29:10)
• Quote: “Let’s punch down. Let's have him go, ‘Amy gives some really weird stuff.’ I think she gave trash!” —Jake (28:45)

---

3. Call 2: “Poop Plinko” — The Bird Poop Problem (36:51–51:46)

The Dilemma

• Caller Mike from Charleston, SC (36:54): A bird repeatedly perches and defecates on the same section of Mike’s tall front window, leaving a mess ("worse last year… he would drop it right on the door handle", 41:41).

Discussion & Advice

• Jake and Gareth, aided by photos from Mike, riff on the "targeted" nature of the bird’s behavior, likening the poop streak to “Plinko.”
• Possible friction between Mike’s dog and the bird is humorously analyzed ("I think it's attacking the dog through the anus" —Jake, 40:13).
• Various solutions are pitched:
  • First Attempt: Relocating the bird by enticing it to a proper birdhouse in a nearby tree (“You’re offering him the opportunity of a lifetime… just gotta go to the oak tree, get off my glass.” —Jake, 43:00)
  • The Owl Decoy: Placing a realistic fake owl near the problem area to scare the bird away. The importance of realism and proper positioning is emphasized.
    • “Spare no expense. Don’t get it out of a claw machine... We want him to go, ‘What the—there’s an owl in my toilet!’” —Jake (46:14)
    • “We want the bird to go, ‘Ah, someone’s in there.’” —Gareth (47:01)
  • Community Help: If the owl fails, the show offers to enlist artist “Rob” or the community to build a custom solution.

Notable Moments

• “It’s like Plinko. He’s doing Plinko.” —Gareth (41:21)
• Mike is asked to document the owl attempt, and, if that fails, to reconnect for crowd-sourced help.

---

4. Call 3: Follow-Up — Neighborly Boundaries & the Handsy Porch (53:30–68:58)

The Dilemma (Update)

• Caller Katie, 36 weeks pregnant (53:30): Updates the hosts on her prior query—keeping her overly-familiar neighbor “Sunny” from being the first to visit her newborn after hospital discharge.

Update & Revelations

• Recaps team’s prior advice: decoy baked goods outside and a realistic baby doll in the living room as deterrents.
• Shares a new revelation—a secret from her husband: he inadvertently discovered Sunny being "serviced" by his wife late at night on their front porch.
  • “I heard the unmistakable sounds of a man receiving some sort of sexual pleasure on his front porch.” —Katie relaying her husband’s words (62:29)
  • “For anyone who’s not understanding—Sunny got jerked off on the porch by his wife.” —Gareth (63:25)
• Debates whether this social awkwardness will now keep Sunny away or, conversely, if he’ll overcompensate in friendliness.
• Katie affirms she has purchased a decoy baby and is ready to use the “coffee cake on the doorstep” tactic as a polite deterrent.
• Extended riffing on womb comfort, donut sponsorship (“Entenmann’s please reach out”), and the surreal nature of the neighbor’s behaviors.

Notable Quotes

• “Womb to tomb in Jake!” —Katie (55:57)
• “He can’t get caught getting his hog yanked and then just be like, ‘the baby's born, let me meet her!’” —Jake (64:18)
• “You've got a moat. We've got a moat.” —Gareth (66:19), referring to the layered boundaries in place

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On awkward gift exchanges:
  “You’re heightening a game you don’t want to heighten. Let’s punch down. I literally think she gave trash.” —Jake (28:45)

• On Plinko poop:
  "It's like Plinko. He’s doing Plinko." —Gareth (41:21)

• On a targeted bird:
  “Spare no expense... We want this guy to be at a music festival, run to the porta potty, see somebody in there and go, 'Ah, someone’s in there.’” —Jake (46:40–47:01)

• On neighborly weirdness:
  "Womb to tomb in Jake!" —Katie (55:57)
  “He can’t get caught getting his hog yanked and then just be like, 'the baby's born, let me meet her!'” —Jake (64:18)
  “Sunny’s a bit of a Glazer.” —Gareth, playing on the donut theme (63:36)

---

Important Timestamps

• 00:45 — Jake’s Vegas Flu recap
• 15:42 — Call 1: Amy, the awkward gift exchange
• 23:28 — The “bird calendar” solution is devised
• 28:07–31:02 — “Bridge to Trash” strategy outlined
• 36:51 — Call 2: Mike, the bird poop problem (“Poop Plinko”)
• 41:21 — Plinko analogy and dog-bird dynamics
• 46:14–47:01 — Owl solution, “someone’s in there” analogy
• 53:30 — Call 3: Katie’s neighbor update
• 62:29 — The porch revelation
• 66:19 — “You’ve got a moat. We’ve got a moat.” —Gareth

---

Tone & Style

The episode pivots between sincere problem-solving and comedic tangents. Jake’s direct but warm approach to advice (“aggressive-aggressive or nothing”), Gareth’s penchant for playful escalation, and the playful, improvisational back-and-forth create a relatable, laughter-filled environment—reminiscent of a well-meaning but slightly unhinged family gathering.

---

Conclusion

Episode 251 demonstrates We're Here to Help at its best: sharp, irreverent, but always aiming to empower listeners to draw healthy boundaries—with a side of bird calendars and well-meaning nonsense. The eclectic advice, full of left turns and community spirit, ensures that listeners leave entertained and (sometimes) a little bit wiser.

---

Interested in participating or following up?

• Email your dilemma to [e-mail]
• Patreon for video episodes: patreon.com/heretohelppod

Transcript

[A]

New year, same extra value meals at McDonald's now.

[B]

Get a savory sausage McMuffin with egg, plus hash browns and a small coffee.

[A]

For just $5 for limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery. This is a Headgum podcast.

[C]

We're here to help.

[A]

And we are back, Gareth. We're back with a Monday intro. We got a fun show today.

[B]

You're sick calls.

[A]

I'm sick. I got sick over New Year's Eve. I got the flu in Vegas.

[D]

Ugh.

[A]

The flu in Vegas was.

[B]

You gambled?

[A]

I gambled. It was a living nightmare. That is not a place you want to be. The flu. That's the place you want.

[B]

I've had it in Vegas.

[A]

There.

[B]

Yeah. Because remember when I did the show where I met Kat on. We shot it in Vegas. And, I mean, I remember, like, having to try to be. It wasn't even. It was trying to find the healthy ingredients that the flu requires. And you were. People were just like, do you want a sunny D?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, there was also, like. They're like, do you want to just party? I was.

[B]

So when did you start feeling it?

[A]

So we flew in. I was feeling fine. And then the problem with when you get sick, at least for me, is the beginning of it. I don't believe it's happening.

[B]

That tracks. And guess what? I do.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

Something. Is that true even when I don't? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

That is. We are opposites.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

I can be nine quarter. Nine steps into it, into the swamp. And I'm like, nah, this is how I will be.

[B]

Like, I should sleep. There's a tickle. There's a tickle.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

There's something.

[A]

So I was. I was feeling pretty beat up, but, you know, I've been. Work. I've been grinding pretty hard this fall.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I grind myself pretty down. I'm like, you know, I'm on break mode. I'm with the family. Maybe I'm just shutting down. Maybe the old machine's shutting down. That's why I'm sweating in weird times.

[B]

The sweats.

[A]

Oh. And then really, what got me was so, first of all, staying at the Venetian, which it. It's funny to be at a certain age where I go to the same hotel in Vegas. I stay in the same area. The North Suites. I've been there, so I know where all the restaurants are. Gareth. I love it.

[B]

I know. I could just tell you love it.

[A]

I love it. It's a Great hotel.

[B]

Are you. You knowing some of the people. Are you like Rudolph? Are you on that level yet? No, I think that will happen.

[A]

It could.

[B]

I said that will happen with you. That you'll have a couple guys.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that would.

[B]

You'll send Berg a text to go. Go to Rudy's. This. He talked to my guy, Hank.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, he's wonderful. He's wonderful.

[B]

I can see this. That's my dream, you putting them on a group text.

[A]

Well, that. That's so funny.

[B]

That's how you got me on New Girl. I don't know if you even remember that.

[A]

No, tell me you.

[B]

You pressured Lamorne. I mean, you. Basically because Lamorn was directing it. So you. Basically, I said. I asked you, I was like, should I whatever, do this or whatever. And you. Right away. It was a group text. A little more. Hey, Lamorne, this is Gareth. He's coming in for Brian the security guard or whatever. Should he do that? You know, Lamorne gave me a note, and then it's kind of like, hey, man, I got your number now. So if you pass it. Super awkward.

[A]

I am such a believer in connecting and hooking things up. It is so joyful. And I never get when others don't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I've been around somebody who's got something and I don't have something, and they're talking about it, and I'm like, that'd be cool. And they're like, yeah, man. Well, anyway, good luck with your terrible career. And I'm like, I mean, can't you.

[B]

Just make Daniel Day Lewis on the plane? Okay, wait, so. So okay, so you're there.

[A]

The nightmare for being sick in Vegas, in my opinion, and you were there, too, is the amount of people smoking cigarettes.

[B]

Oh, that is shocking that it's hanging in there still with. It feels like nobody really smokes anymore.

[A]

Enough do.

[B]

Oh, yeah, there they do.

[A]

But it reminded me, so it was so crazy. So the Venetians are really nice hotel. So it didn't really take me back to my childhood. It felt more like in the 90s, early 2000s in New York when they created that role where you couldn't smoke in bars. And remember how crazy that felt. And everyone in New York, all the bar owners were like, oh, you want to put us all on a business? You want it to be the end of bars? And then it was crazy. People just smoked outside.

[B]

I remember Ireland was like, you think we're gonna fucking stand for that? Like, and then it was like two months later, it was like, nobody's smoking Bars.

[A]

Well, once there's a new rule, everyone just does it. And you go like, yeah.

[B]

Did you take six months?

[A]

You can't smoke on a plane, you maniac. Smoking on planes, maniac behavior. But seeing all these cigarettes, I was feeling. I got the. I got. I was feeling pretty sick, but I. I wasn't sure if it was real or just worn down. So I was taking a bunch cough medicine. And when you do that unregulated, which is what I like to do, I don't use the jar I go by as the Steve Berg would do when he puts different seasonings in his jambalaya.

[B]

Eyeballing?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're going for feeling you're eyeballing.

[A]

And some of that stuff doesn't have a bad taste to it. Gareth.

[B]

Listen, I. When I was a youth. You've heard of robo tripping?

[A]

I have heard of robo.

[B]

Used to robo trips a couple times. I mean, think of scissor. It had a hell of a run.

[A]

It had a real run.

[B]

Real. Where everyone was like, whoa, hold on a minute. We are misusing this.

[A]

I used to drink nyquil every night.

[B]

I used to. I used to, first of all, Nyquil all the time. And I would rock dayquil for like two years. I don't know what was.

[A]

In College.

[B]

I took DayQuil every day for two years.

[C]

Why?

[B]

I think I was. I still was like, there's a tickle.

[A]

That's so funny. Were you over cared for when you were sick by Pam?

[B]

No, I think she kind of rode the depression era. Like, get up, have a sprint, you know? And I was like, I broke my arm when I was like, six.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And my parents did not believe me for two days.

[A]

Dude, we have a similar. I broke. When I broke my nose. I got elbowed in the face by Ken Anno playing basketball. And my nose to this day is bent because of it. Yeah, but you could see where his elbow went in and bent. This guy. And the. The nurse at school, this guy goes like, oh, yeah, that's broken. You're gonna have to go to the hospital room. He goes, do you want to go now or do you want to go home first? And I was like, I don't want to get in trouble. I should tell Eve. And I got home and I was like, hey, Mom, I think we need to go to the hospital because I broke my nose. And she goes, it's always been crooked. I was like, end of discussion moment. Or continuing to talk about.

[B]

And then how long were you.

[A]

A couple days went by, and then it set. And she goes, I am sorry. It was never that crooked.

[B]

Oh, my God. What words to hear.

[A]

I was like, well, we're not going now, are we? Like, the adrenaline's gone, so it never got. We never got it fixed.

[B]

That's interesting.

[A]

And then it.

[B]

I did get wrist attention.

[A]

So what ended up happening?

[B]

So I came home with a cast on. Like, the doctor was like, oh, yeah, his wrist is totally broken. I came home and my dad was like, really? Like. Because I was. I. I think because I was such a little ham, they thought I was, like, making, but I was genuinely writhing in pain. I was like. And they're like, quiet, you know? I was like, it's broken. Shut up. Hbo just come out.

[A]

There's a quiet when parents make mistakes raising kids. Looking back, it is so glare. You're just like. They're just. It wasn't.

[B]

I think of me. I think the fact that you are in charge of two, like, you're a great dad, but it's shocking.

[A]

Shocking.

[B]

You're.

[A]

You.

[B]

You're the guy who's walking around Vegas pounding Robitussin.

[A]

Well, not only that, what I've decided to do is lean in as a parent of. Rather than try to think of how somebody should be a parent because you're just making this shit up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, man, we're just going to kind of do it. It's why we went to Vegas. I planned the trip last minute. I was like, what are we doing post Christmas? My wife was like, just chilling. It's been a long fall. You were gone a lot with work. And I was like, vegas. And then once we got off the plane, I was like, why did I choose Vegas over New Year's? There's no kids here. This is crazy behavior.

[B]

But that's all internal. You're not saying.

[A]

You're not saying your wife spinning it. I'm like, this was the move. This was the move. And then, like, the Uber drivers or the Lyft drivers, like, yeah, be careful on New Year's. It gets really crazy here.

[B]

I was like, man, we're good. We're talking amongst ourselves back here, buddy. Quiet up there.

[A]

It gets very busy. It gets very wild on the streets. And I was like, that's what we're about. And I'm like, that's not what we're about.

[B]

I hope my. I feel my wife looking at me angrily.

[A]

She's kind of like, yeah, this is not relaxing. I'm like, no, it will be, though.

[D]

It will be.

[A]

Once we get to the Room and we smell the cigarettes.

[B]

You're sick.

[A]

Actually, let's start this show. What I say.

[B]

Yeah, let's do it.

[A]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Walden University. For over 50 years, Walden University has helped working adults turn ambition into action through flexible distance learning. Today, our mission is simple. Provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change.

[D]

You know, Jake, you and I are big believers in evolving, always getting better, always improving. You don't want to run in place, you want to jog forward, friends. So, I mean, this is a great way to educate yourself, get smarter, get better, get more professional at whatever your given vocation is.

[A]

Walden is where students get the W, those big and small wins that help them move forward and create the change they want to see in their lives, careers, and communities. With graduate degrees in nursing, social work, counseling, and psychology, as well as undergraduate and certificate programs, Walden empowers students with the skills and the confidence to get it done.

[D]

I'm a classes guy. I have taken so many classes in my adult life because I feel like your real education starts after the forced education.

[A]

So, like, I kind of agree.

[D]

Yeah, you know, it's like, always be getting better, always learning new things. I'm a huge, huge supporter of this.

[A]

With Walden's Tempo learning, you're in control. No set weekly deadlines, no rigid schedules. Just the flexibility to progress toward your degree at your own pace. That works for me.

[D]

Me too. Me too.

[A]

What if we both went to Walden University and got a degree?

[D]

Oh, my God, Jake. Reliving the college life together and did.

[A]

It like Rodney Dangerfield movie where he went back to college. Walden University set a course for change. Certified to operate by Chev. This episode is brought to you by Function Health. New Year's choices and resolutions don't always stick or make lasting impact, but insights from functions 160/lab tests will. Here is the truth, Stephen. I got a subscription to Function Health. I am yet to do the blood work, but I am a believer in this. I'm about to go do it. It's a way where you can get all your blood and all your metrics and everything tested so that you can be more in control of your health rather than just getting blood work from a doctor and then being like, pretty good, right? You can have it all on the website and learn about your stuff. I think this is really smart stuff. My brother and I were talking about it, doing it every year, so I'm into this. I'm a believer in it. I Just haven't done it. But like an idiot, I already paid for it. Right?

[D]

Well, you told me about this and immediately I was interested because I was telling you, you know, I want to be more healthy in 2026, which everyone, you know, aims to. And I'm not getting any younger. But like when I get my blood work done from a doctor, I don't understand any of the results that come back. They say either high, low, or it's okay. Like, I truly don't understand. But with this, I feel like I understand where I'm at, how I can improve. So it kind of gives you more ownership, your health, which I think is great. That interests me a lot.

[A]

So here's the thing about New Year's resolutions, everybody. Nearly 80% fail by February. And it's not because people lack willpower. It's because they lack data. Real lasting change starts when you actually understand what's happening inside your body. Things like leptin resistance, thyroid dysfunction, chronic inflammation, or hormone imbalances. I bet you got some hormone imbalances, Steven.

[D]

I got, I think I have imbalances on every one of those you just listed.

[A]

You are all, you are imbalances. So own your health for 365 days a year. That's a dollar a day. Learn more and join using our link that is www.functionhealth.com here to help. Use our gift code here to help. 25 for 25. Credit towards your membership. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. Isn't that right, Steven Berg, host of Weird here to Hell. Oh, it sure is.

[D]

Correct. Correctamundo, Jaco. I'll tell you what. My lovely wife, she always, I feel, deserves something that shows that I put thought and effort into the situation, right? It's why I trust one, 800flowers.com Jake. They have never let me down. Amazing bouquets, high quality, delivered on time. Which is something because today a lot of things aren't delivered on time. And they do it every single time.

[A]

You know who I send my flowers to? Not my lovely wife.

[D]

Who?

[A]

Pam Reynolds.

[D]

Oh, well, I'm, you know, I'm with you. I have said a probably a baker's dozen bouquets to her and it's paying off because she likes me the most.

[A]

No, she doesn't. She likes me the most.

[D]

Contraire, mon frere. She is quite the Berg fan. I mean, she has a calendar. Do you have a calendar, Jake? I don't think you do.

[A]

Did you know that 1-800flowers has been doing this for 50 years. They source roses from the best high altitude farms that produce bigger blooms, richer colors and flowers that last. All joke aside, I did get a Christmas bouquet for Aaron. I just wanted to use our promo code and see how it worked. They were beautiful. They came on time and she was impressed and she thought wow. Oh, Jakester. I didn't want to say. Well they're an ad sponsor so I didn't mention that part of it. This year, 1800 Flowers is making it even better. With exclusive double Blooms offer. Buy one dozen roses, they'll double your bouquet to two dozen for free. Twice the impact without breaking the bank. Make this Valentine's one. She will remember to get your double blooms offer. Buy one, get two dozen free. Go to 1-800-flowers-com here to help. That's 1-800flowers.com here to help to double your roses for free. Hello.

[C]

Hello.

[B]

Hi. Welcome to the show. How you doing?

[C]

I'm doing well, how are you guys?

[B]

We're great, thank you. You've got Jake and myself. Can we get your name please?

[C]

Yeah. So I'm gonna go with Amy for.

[B]

This, Amy for this. And Amy, how old are you?

[C]

28.

[B]

Okay. Where are you calling from, Amy, roughly, even if it's a fake city.

[C]

Texas.

[B]

Texas. Very tiny little spot of land.

[C]

Yeah, just somewhere in Texas.

[B]

Amy, what's going on? What can we help you with today?

[C]

So the one sentence version of this problem is that my husband and I have a friend of a friend that gives us gifts for pretty much every gift giving holiday and we would like the, the mutual obligation of giving gifts to stop with this person.

[B]

I get this, okay, It's a run on sentence but it's still pretty good. It's a friend of a friend who's doing this. That seems very strange too.

[A]

Agreed.

[C]

Yeah. So this is, I have this friend, we'll call her Gina. And we've been friends for a while. And this is her friend who we only really see this guy through her and we'll call, call him Charles. So Charles has gotten into the habit the last few years of getting us gifts for Valentine's Day and for Christmas.

[A]

That says Valentine's Day to a friend of a friend is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

[B]

Couple to fuck it. I mean that it's absolutely.

[A]

Unless it's a pineapple.

[C]

Yeah, it's not, it's not pineapples yet. I mean that would be a different Italian.

[A]

It'll be like, guys, here you go, you two love birds. How you doing? Check me out.

[B]

I've been working out, looking for a shakeup. Okay, keep going. This is very strange. Obviously.

[A]

Agreed.

[C]

Okay. So, yeah, the Christmas and the. And the Valentine's Day, for sure. The definite are definitely the weirdest things, and they're not, like. They're not generic. Like, here's a box of chocolate or here's like, a Christmas card that, you know, maybe I give to everyone that I know. It's, like, very specific gifts as, like, you know, books or movies that we've talked about in, like, group setting.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's thoughtful. Yeah.

[B]

Now, does he. Are you saying this is not. He's not doing this for everybody. He's kind of isolated, you two, for some reason.

[D]

We don't know.

[C]

I mean, so it's not a. It's not a big group of friends that I. That we hang out with him, and it's like, us, our mutual friend, and then him. And then maybe one other person.

[B]

He's single.

[C]

But when. Yeah, he's single, and when he's giving us these gifts, he'll, like, text us and be like, hey, can we get together with, like, the three of us so that I can give you your Christmas gift or your Valentine's or your birthday gift?

[A]

Amy, is this real?

[D]

No.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

The get together is a very interesting detail to me.

[A]

Agreed. I hate that.

[C]

It's. It's interesting. And, like, otherwise, he's a really nice, normal guy, and I'm gonna sound like the. The Bosnian barber dude. Like, he's a great guy, and I don't.

[B]

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

[A]

No, he's a great guy.

[B]

He's a great guy.

[A]

Everybody's a great guy.

[B]

Everybody's great.

[A]

Here's what we're gonna say overall to all of our callers. Everybody's a great guy.

[B]

Yeah, look, you're not. You're not coming off as rude.

[A]

They're great.

[B]

We love them.

[A]

Great guy.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

The reason people call in is because you don't want to hurt the people in the situation. That weirdness is happening because everybody's a great.

[B]

Very true. We're trying to.

[A]

Great guys.

[C]

Great.

[B]

So he's a great guy. Clearly, this is a very straight now. Okay. But your problem is that there is a feeling of now you have a big problem. You have to reciprocate.

[A]

Nightmare. You have to. And then you got to sit there and watch each other give gifts and do the fake smile.

[B]

But then you feel like you have to give him a gift because he's like, I got you something.

[A]

Because she does, yes.

[B]

Kind of.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Gareth, most people aren't like you. They don't just receive gifts and go like, your joy is watching me open it. That's strictly. You had too much Pam in your life.

[B]

Most people literally just walked in.

[A]

It's mostly 50. 50. Their joy is not watching what I'm saying.

[B]

First of all, your barbs do not hurt me. I will push through with what my.

[A]

Point is, because I. I hit home on that one.

[B]

Absolutely not. I do think that is. I'm not saying he's doing it for reciprocation. You're thrown.

[D]

You're thrown.

[B]

That would be the first. That would be the first thing.

[A]

You're vampire.

[D]

The first.

[B]

The first.

[D]

The first.

[B]

The first light pitch, I would say, is you don't give gifts back to him anymore. But that's probably a longer term solve, right? You know, like, that's making him feel like this is an event. Like we're. We are. We're getting together.

[A]

You just hit your microphone. You are spiraling.

[B]

You are. You are doing this thing. You're gaslighting. That's what you're doing. You're gaslighting and everybody knows it.

[A]

Now you're doing the. Everybody knows it.

[B]

It's fine. All right, I gotta go. Hold on. Yeah, I got. They need me on set. I gotta get out.

[A]

There's no set. You're at home.

[B]

Oh. So let's keep moving then.

[A]

Amy, back. Back to you here for a second. Three, two, back. So this is. Here's my question to you. Why not just say to him, I'm a very direct person. I'm not a passive aggressive guy. I believe in aggressive. Aggressive or nothing. Why not just send them an email or a text that said, we are not doing gifts this year? Like, if you. A buddy just invited me to his 50th, and one of the things I liked was he wrote no gifts. And then you go, it's not personal. Just no gifts. Don't do this thing. I don't want to have to write you a thank you card. We're cutting all that out. So how about just a fake message to everybody in your group of friends that are saying, we're not doing any gifts this year, Instead, donate to a chimp sanctuary.

[B]

I. I was. I wasn't sure where you were headed.

[A]

That I didn't know either.

[B]

Well, that's. But I think that's good because what you could do, like, if. I think that's right. I think if you say just donate, you're off the hook. Just Say we're not doing gifts this year. We're actually. We have enough stuff.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

Yeah. Donate to here. You know, whatever your charity.

[A]

Charity that we're interested in.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Rather than give a gift, please donate here. And if you have a charity on your own, tell us which ones you do and we'll donate to the charity you believe in.

[B]

I think this is pretty good.

[C]

Yeah. So I like that for going forward. So our. I guess our problem right now is that he currently has Christmas gifts in his possession for us that he's texted us, like five different times right now being like, hey, can we get together? Are you guys in town that we can get together so I can get your Christmas gifts?

[B]

I think he's doing.

[A]

And have you gotten him a gift this year?

[C]

No. No, because it's just. It's not something that we think of. You know, I'm not getting Christmas gifts and I'm like, okay, my husband, my. And then.

[B]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[A]

Without question.

[B]

It's not nuts. It's. I mean, even your family, you're basically like, we don't need to do gifts.

[A]

You know what I think you got to do, Amy? And it's going to be a very awkward thing. And I'm calling it the Pam and Gareth. Just receive the gift. Have daring and. What?

[B]

What. What are you drinking coffee out of today, sir? Oh, well, what do you normally drink a coffee out of? A gift given to you by Pam? Yes, because where she wanted nothing. She's a great gift mom.

[A]

Oh, Gary, missing the point.

[B]

I just want you to know that Jake is suggesting you and I only like to receive gifts.

[A]

You're missing it in such a crazy way. Pam gives you receive.

[B]

Oh, sorry, he's suggesting that. Jake's suggesting that I say that. That I just receive. What is my. Okay, Mom. My mother's handed me a late breaking. A late breaking suggestion, which is just give him a card.

[A]

Oh. Oh, that's a good idea.

[B]

It's actually hit quite well. I didn't. I don't agree with it, but interesting.

[A]

So here are the two ideas. We could just give a card. Oh, I know what we could do. When are you gonna meet with him? Here's what we're gonna do. Actually, Amy, we're gonna send you because we lost so many. So many of those bird calendars got lost in the mail. Every day people are writing in the post office to send this. So by the way, if you lost it right in again, we'll get it to you. Amy, here's what we're gonna do after this call, email your address. I'm gonna have Morgan send you a bird calendar. And what I want is this. When he gives you the gift, give him the bird calendar. That's amazing, because that'll change it. Where he'll go like, oh, thank you. And he'll go. And he'll go, why did they give me this?

[B]

You know what you could do? You know what you could do? Give him the bird calendar. And say. Kind of be like, we didn't know what to get you. You know, it's so hard now with the holidays. That tees up up before the next holiday. The group text where you say, please just make a donation.

[A]

Yes. Or you know what we're gonna do? I have an idea. Wait.

[C]

But the next gift is going to be Valentine's Day.

[A]

Okay, I have an idea. Hold on. I have an idea. I have an idea. I have an idea for real.

[B]

Go ahead.

[A]

We're gonna send you three calendars. On Valentine's Day, give him the calendar again.

[C]

So he just keeps getting bird calendars until.

[A]

And then he's gonna stop. He's gonna go like, I can't. Every time I go there, I get him a thoughtful gift. They give me this calendar with this guy I've never heard of.

[B]

I like it, by the way, when.

[A]

You give him the third one. If he gives you more, call back, we'll send you a 10 more.

[B]

The thing, I think, is that I think he's giving the gift because he's lonely and likes to hang out with them.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

And so I think it's saying. I don't think it's gonna penetrate the issue. Yeah. If you don't mind hanging out with them, then honestly, we'll send you six calendars. You're covered for the next couple years.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, and I think that he'd kind of get the big. And he might. He might just kind of like. Like being involved in this, like, joke with us. Because I think you're right. I think it is just that he wants the friendship that doesn't really know how to go about it.

[A]

Yes. But then, you know, you could say, for next gift, send me your address and I'll just mail you the gift.

[B]

Well, if you don't mind hanging out with him, whatever. If it's the gift is the issue. But then I think if you do get to the point where you're like, we. This whole thing is a little weird. That's when you send. That's before that next holiday where he's going to send A gift. You shoot the group text.

[A]

Also, here's what else.

[B]

February 1st.

[A]

Here's what we'll do. If you're into this, Amy, we're going to send you a couple calendars. Try that. If that doesn't work, call back. And then what we'll do is we'll have somebody from the community who's just got, like, weird garbage, like a gross old doll. Or they'll be like, my dad has a shirt that I just stole from him because it's so ugly. We'll just start giving this guy those gifts. I've got stuff. You know what I'll send? This is an old iPhone charger that I got from the airport. I'll just send him that.

[B]

Honestly, turning you into the worst gift givers possible is pretty good and fun.

[A]

Just weird garbage.

[B]

Just give him garbage.

[A]

Yeah, he'll go like this.

[D]

What is this?

[A]

A couple of shirts that I used to wear. Okay, well, they're women's shirts.

[B]

I have a Samsung. This won't work.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Give it to someone else.

[A]

These are old cords.

[B]

Remember how the VCR needed a red, white, a yellow cord?

[A]

I had a box, dude, I had, like, 10 cords. I just gave you six of them.

[C]

Because I think we've. We've tried to give him, like, thoughtful gifts back.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But I think that that created a weird precedent, too.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

You're. You're heightening a game. You don't want to heighten. Let's punch down. Let's have him go. Amy gives some really weird stuff. I literally think she gave trash. Like, I would literally. I just found this. This came in a sunglasses case. It's just like a weird thing that clean sunglasses, I guess with some weird message from a company. Send them stuff like that that you just go, this is just trash from a company.

[B]

Just give him garbage.

[A]

How about this, Amy, I've got a really weird idea. Rather than the calendar, go in your refrigerator right now, and whatever food you don't want, wrap it. And he'll go like this. What's this? And you go, ham. This is like ham. Yeah, yeah, but still in the package, brother. It's just some honey glazed. And he'll go like, gross. And you go, agreed.

[B]

Now, Amy, are we gonna get this done? Are you feeling like you'll do something? Will you would. The first gift, could you make it something from the fridge? Do you have that level of gumption?

[C]

So we have, like, leftover, like, Christmas, like, goody things that people have sent to us that are kind of like, kind of Opened, but not all the way eaten.

[B]

I want to make sure that he knows that, that this is. That this item, these things have been open. And if you do that, the only request I would make from, on behalf of the show is when you guys present it to him. Just. Just wear a wire. Get the phone audio recording, please just get something so we could see the reaction to you basically giving him secondhand stuff. Please.

[C]

Okay, I can do that. So I guess. And then I like the bird calendar also, because I feel like it's still nice and it's like it's new thing and so it's not starting off with like.

[A]

Yeah, I agree.

[C]

Hey, you know, we've been giving each other nice gifts for the past couple of years, but sure, you know, here's my expired.

[A]

Cream.

[B]

We'll consider this. This. This round is the bridge into trash.

[A]

Agreed.

[B]

So we're kind of now moving in the new direction, but the bridge there will be.

[A]

The bird calendar is the bridge to trash.

[B]

I agree. That's what I mean.

[A]

Yes. But, like, as a whole, culturally.

[B]

We'Re not here to holistically address.

[A]

We used to have calendars where you're saying these beautiful specimens where you go like, how was that even created? You go like, what is Kathy Ireland? How did she. How is she on planet Earth? And me too. Amy, what are you gonna do?

[C]

So I think for our next gift giving exchange that we have to do with him because we have these Christmas gifts that are pending. We're gonna give him the Steve Berg calendar so that he kind of knows that this is the direction that we're shifting into subtly. And then if he decides that he wants to meet up with us then for Valentine's Day, after receiving the calendar, then we do it again. And then after that, it's just. Just random stuff that we have left over or that we found.

[B]

Bridge to trash.

[A]

Bridge to trash.

[C]

Bridge to trash.

[A]

So let's do this. Amy, send the email right now with your address, and while I'm doing the next call, I'll check email and connect it to Morgan and I'll confirm she sends it today.

[C]

Okay, perfect.

[A]

All right.

[C]

We're really excited about this. I think you guys got us out of this.

[A]

Please let us know what happens. This is obviously, obviously, if you can get your husband to secretly film the interaction or voice note it, it'd be appreciated. If you can't, you can't.

[B]

Here's what I'm going to suggest. And this is. Then we'll get off. Just phone. Your husband puts a phone in a pocket on a shirt. Records just has it shooting out, little body cam angle. Just give us that. It's possible. Anything's possible if you put your mind to it.

[A]

But. Yeah, I agree.

[C]

Yeah, he's. He's sitting right here and he's just giving me thumbs up and. Okay.

[B]

Like all the way.

[C]

So we're good.

[B]

All right, Amy, let us know.

[C]

All right, we will. Thank you so much, guys.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Bye. He was there the whole time.

[A]

I heard him laughing.

[B]

I know he's laughing a couple times.

[C]

Bye.

[B]

Oh, bye.

[A]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Stevie, what are three things you think you're pissing money away on at this moment? Because you're not even thinking about it.

[D]

It. Okay, well, one, I just can't actually give you examples. How Rock Money save me. I was paying for a UFO form from 2003 that had been. That had been defunct for 15 years, yet they were still charging me $5 a month. I had no idea I was. And I actually used Rock Money. I am the best case example. Half the things I was paying for, I no longer use or needed.

[A]

Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] help. That's Rocket Money.com help RocketMoney.com help. You want to be sexy this year? You want to compete with Steve Berg with the sexiest hunk of the year? Then you gotta wear Quince. A new year, colder days. This is the moment your winter wardrobe really has to deliver. If you're craving a winter reset, start with pieces truly made to last season after season. Quince brings together premium materials, thoughtful design, and enduring quality. Quality so you stay warm, look sharp, and feel your best all season long. Hey, Quince. If you want to dress Eric and Steve, we'll do a little photo shoot of those two hunks you want. Looking for some new models, Quince, I got the guys for you. They're great looking men and they know how to wear Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They know how to wear wool coats, leather and suede outerwear that actually hold up to daily wear and still look good. Their outerwear is really impressive. Imagine Steve Berg in that. Think down jackets, wool coats, and Italian leather outwear that keeps you warm when it's actually cold.

[B]

I've had so much stuff from quints. I've got my corduroy jacket. I've got a wool coat from Quint that is the best coat. It's my number one coat when I go on the road and I'm in colder climates. Keeps you warm. Can't recommend it enough. So refresh your winter wardrobe with quint. Go to quint.com heretohelp for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com here to help. Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com here to help this episode of.

[A]

We'Re here to help is brought to you by booking.com booking.com offers a wide array of hotels and vacation rentals across the U. S. So you can find exactly what you're booking for. Oh.

[B]

Booking.com offers you such a wide array of options when it comes to vacation rentals, hotels. Whether you're booking for yourself, whether you're booking for your. Your teenagers. Like me, I'm my little boy, Gareth Jr. I'm booking him hotels through booking.com. booking.com makes it so easy. And then, you know, on the off night when I have to book a hotel for myself. Booking.com right there. You know what? You're getting so user friendly.

[A]

Find exactly what you're booking [e-mail] booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app.

[B]

What's your name, bud?

[E]

My name is Mike.

[B]

Hi, Mike. Where are you calling from, Mike?

[A]

Big Mike.

[E]

I'm from Charleston, South Carolina.

[B]

All right. Beautiful, beautiful, Mike. What are we, 31?

[E]

I'm 40.

[B]

Okay, what's going on? That's the last time I'll play that game.

[A]

Really strange game to play there.

[B]

Completely. I agree. I'm walking away from it. Mike, what's going on? What can we help you with?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, I have a bit of a bird poop problem.

[B]

What's going on?

[A]

Who doesn't, brother?

[B]

What, Jake?

[A]

Bird poo? Sure. I parked my car in the driveway, my brother. I get it.

[B]

Okay. Refocus. Go ahead.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. So I have an issue with a bird that has decided to turn my front porch into a bathroom.

[A]

It's pointed.

[E]

It is pointed.

[B]

One bird you believe it might be.

[E]

I'm hoping one bird. It's better than a group of birds.

[A]

Real quick question, Mike. Is it? Any chances of. If it's a crow? If it's a crow, you're fucked up.

[E]

It is not a crow.

[A]

Okay, never mind. Keep going.

[E]

Okay, so, yeah, so in the, the foyer of my home. There's a, you know, pretty tall like a nine foot window and that sits above the, the front door.

[A]

Beautiful.

[E]

And the very top of this window there's a bit of a trim that goes around it and I guess it's the perfect spot for this bird to sit.

[A]

You know, it's asking some pictures.

[B]

Oh wow. Destroying that glass it worse than expected. Oh, so you have an anno. I mean like you said, nine feet.

[A]

So Gareth, Gareth, walk the audience through who are driving what we're looking at.

[B]

Okay, so we're looking at an enormous window above the door. So if you were to let's say want to clean the window. It's a huge pain in the ass because of how high up it is. And what we have is a bird above the window. We've got picture evidence of the bird just all over the highest point of the window. And dare I say the picture zooms in so far into the bird we maybe could see whole.

[A]

I gotta say, we're in shot of a dog.

[B]

Is your dog upset by what the birds.

[A]

Now we're looking at a very cute little like poodle dog just looking sad out the window.

[B]

He is unaware.

[E]

He's unaware.

[B]

It looks like it's affecting him. But, but yeah, we, I mean it's very clear. The bird has found a great little home up there and considers this nine foot window to be the toilet. And the part of it's right and.

[A]

I know I'm projecting and this is just for the people listening who aren't gonna go to our IG or the website. The dog looks very emo in the photo and I'm not even kidding when I say that it looks like sad and like it knows it's being on. And I will say, and I know the bird only has little tiny black eyes. It looks mean the bird, look at the bird's face.

[B]

You, you believe there to be animus towards the house?

[A]

No, the dog.

[B]

You think that the bird is directly attacking the dog through the window.

[A]

The dog is probably barks at that bird sometimes. And the birds going like this, you're just a little dude on your window. You can't get out here.

[B]

Mike, any reality to this? Do you believe there to be some friction between the dog and the bird and that the bird is found a way to attack the dog through the anus?

[A]

The dog is Matt Lafleur. The bird is Ben Johnson.

[B]

Listen, so we don't know when this call is going to go out and it's just not.

[A]

Mike, is there any truth to this.

[B]

The dog.

[A]

Honestly, the dog shot. Somebody put a Packers hat on that dog.

[B]

Packers fans. With one minute left in the. In the game. The dog, honestly, to Jake's point, it looks so sad. It looks extremely sad.

[A]

It's such an.

[B]

It looks well done. Yeah.

[A]

It does look well, though.

[E]

It's just his face. He's a happy guy. He's probably wondering what I was doing.

[A]

All right, so, Mike, back to you. That was a tangent. Let's pretend I didn't do that.

[B]

Sure. I mean, we are. There's so much. There's all over this.

[A]

But also only in. So the windows. There's five columns. It's only in column two, right under. It's like. You know those games where you drop a ball?

[B]

Yeah. It's like Plinko. He's doing Plinko.

[A]

It's just. But it doesn't bounce around. Yeah, it just goes straight.

[B]

He does. He definitely.

[A]

He shits in the same spot, too.

[B]

He is. It is. It's.

[E]

Yeah, it was worse. It was worse last year because that's when it started.

[A]

And.

[E]

And he was just slightly over a little bit, like a few inches.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And would drop it right on the door handle.

[A]

Oh, God. So, Mike, what have you guys done so far? What have been the solutions.

[C]

So far?

[E]

The only thing I have done is, you know, I have to go out, basically. It happens at night. I think he's, you know, hiding from the wind or rain or whatever. And, you know, I go down late at night to see if he's out there. And if he's out there, I step outside, I grab an acorn tossed up. He goes away. But that's kind of a nightly occurrence.

[A]

It can't. That's not sustainable.

[B]

You. You toss an acorn up.

[A]

What's he gonna do, toss it down? He's trying to scare him away. Gareth.

[B]

Oh, I thought it was, like, an offer you. I thought it was like. Like.

[A]

Hey, you thought he was, like, feeding a seal.

[B]

He's, like, paying the mob off so it doesn't, like, damage his. His business?

[A]

No, he's not paying security.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. I thought it was a bribe.

[A]

Hey, Mike, I got a pitch.

[B]

O. Yeah.

[A]

And all you've done is tossed offerings to him. So far? As Gareth would say.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah. So far. Just offerings.

[A]

When I'm looking out that glass window. You know what I'm saying? A beautiful tree. You all know what I'm. You said oak tree.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

You know what? I'm imagining that oak tree.

[E]

I'm gonna get some birdhouse.

[A]

You Goddamn right I am. I'm gonna suggest not a birdhouse, the birdhouse. I'm talking about the kind of birdhouse that this fucker sees and goes like, excuse me. You fill the inside with offerings and food. Start them off with a little bit of, listen, homeboy, if you meet a lady, throw a nest in here. Brother, I just need you off my glass. But I'm offering you, my friend, the opportunity of a lifetime. You just gotta go to the oak tree, get off on a glass, and he's gonna think about it. But then he's going to start getting the food and the safety. He's going to realize that little hole in the front is big enough for him, but too small for the raccoons, too small for the squirrels. And what you're going to do is you're going to win by losing.

[E]

Okay?

[A]

Because I. What I'm not going to do is suggest trying to get rid of this guy.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Birds brains are so small. We can't play games with him and go like, you know where. Dress like a coyote. The bird will go like, oh, on that thing. I.

[B]

This is. I like it. I would say, on top of that, why don't we put a fake bird right where he is normally shitting.

[A]

Ooh, a crow.

[B]

Yeah. Let's put something up there that's sort of like there's a new sheriff in town. Yes. Like a scarecrow. And then I also think to what Jake's saying, let's put a little bird feeder under this tree and let's put a little penthouse in there for the guy.

[A]

Yeah. But really fast. You have access with a big ladder. Can you get to where he's at?

[E]

It's about 17ft up. And my ladder is not high enough.

[A]

So we can't. We can't quite get up there. Damn it. Okay, so I could.

[E]

There is a. There is a ledge on the inside of the window at the. At the base of that window that I can maybe prop something up. But I don't know if it's too low for the bird to care.

[A]

That's interesting. What would be a natural predator of that bird? An owl?

[E]

Yeah, maybe. Why don't.

[A]

Why don't we start with one of those cheap plastic owls? Because all the birds got to think is like, I gotta go take a dump. I'm gonna go take a dump in my toilet bowl. And he's gonna go like this. What the. There's an owl in my toilet.

[B]

The. The bird's awesome for deciding to just. All over your window.

[C]

Over.

[B]

Over Over.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, there's something great about that.

[A]

It's literally got wings. It can go anywhere.

[B]

Yeah. It's just it.

[A]

I like where there's those walls.

[B]

Well, it likes to see what it's done.

[A]

Oh, it's also without the wind. It's lovely. And then that little emo dog watches me. It makes me laugh.

[B]

Every time I crap, it cries little dogs like this circle. You like that?

[A]

So here's Mike. Here's the first pitch. I think Gareth is right.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I think we start with the as realistic of an owl as we can get.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Spare no expense.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Don't get it out because I don't want the bird to go like this. Oh, look at that fake toy. I can on true, right? That does nothing for us. We want him to go like this. I gotta take a. I gotta get off this highway.

[B]

Someone in there. We want the bird to go. There's someone. You know when you go to the bathroom and there's no stalls and you go.

[A]

Yeah, we want him to be him or her. I think it's a him, though.

[B]

I do too.

[A]

We want this. We want this guy to be at a outdoor music festival. Be exploding, run to the porta potty, see somebody in there and go, I.

[B]

Got to figure out there's someone in there. It's what I see at the airport every time I travel, which is the line of dudes. We're waiting for the stall. And I'm like, there ain't a sadder line on earth.

[A]

Great.

[B]

So we want the bird to go, ah, someone in there.

[A]

And then there's some little boy who doesn't use the urinal who goes in there. And you're like this little guy, kid.

[B]

A grown man is about to die.

[A]

Yeah. You see this heavyset guy in sweats? You don't think he overate on the plane, Let him unleash. He didn't do it on the plane.

[B]

Put your phone down.

[A]

He ate that disgusting plane food. So, Mike.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you think about an owl to start? And if that doesn't work, then we do the house.

[E]

Yeah, Yeah, I like that. The owl's a good starting point. I think it's a low hanging fruit. I think I can. I can get one.

[A]

And I think that's a try.

[B]

And.

[E]

And let's look at like prime real estate.

[A]

I agree. I mean, that if you build there, you're building a mansion. But before we get to that, can we see the photo and can you tell us what ledge you're talking About. So we're now looking at the photo and from where the bird shits. I see in terms of window panes. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Where is this ledge you're talking about? Do you have to go six windows down?

[E]

I might have to. I might have to take another photo to send you the actual ledge because I was only trying to capture the bird shit on the window.

[B]

You think it's that base there, Natalie? Is that what you're suggesting?

[A]

So right at like the top of where the door would be, that might.

[B]

Be too low, is that where you're saying?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's. That's where the ledges.

[A]

I don't know. That feels pretty great.

[B]

I would honestly, if I were you, I would take the nine foot ladder on the side there and figure out a way to just get the owl on the. Totally on that point.

[A]

As high as you can get.

[B]

As high as you can get with your ladder.

[E]

That has like suction cups or something.

[A]

I think that's a great idea. A suction cup. Drill it.

[C]

It so that it hangs from the very top of.

[A]

Because he can't get up. That's about.

[C]

I mean you could get a taller ladder.

[B]

This is like, look, if you can get a taller ladder where, you know, we're.

[A]

Yeah, but. But no tall ladder, that's a re. That's a dangerous gig. And you're.

[B]

That is. Yeah.

[A]

You're trying to screw up. I'm not trying to kill the man. I'm trying to get a bird not to shut.

[C]

Get a friend to hold the ladder, please.

[A]

Yeah. Natalie, this is your. As a woman who makes great pitches, this is a terrible.

[B]

If I pitch this, imagine, oh, we kill you.

[C]

Shocked that you can't handle a laughter.

[B]

Sexist, sexist, sexist, sexist attack. Toxic femininity.

[E]

To be fair, I don't trust myself on a ladder that full.

[A]

No, Mike, and neither would I because I would die. And I'll tell you why.

[B]

And that's a new problem.

[A]

Attack from fear.

[B]

That's a new problem.

[E]

Sure.

[A]

Mike, will. Will you do what you can with the suction and send us a photo of the owl and then send us a photo of it. Post and it. Please, if this doesn't work, follow up with us because I really do think.

[B]

The birdhouse would work and I also would. I would imagine that there's someone in the community who would maybe even help build this penthouse birdhouse for us.

[A]

That's interesting.

[B]

So. But let's get there. Let's start with the owl. We're not drilling it to the ceiling and having a.

[A]

And also, if anybody's inspired to build a birdhouse, just start. We will get it to Mike.

[B]

If I may, if you need inspiration, if you're. This person out there is hearing and feels the call, maybe we make a Berghaus. And, you know, we could put a. We could make it as like an homage to Steve and something. You could put a little baby calendar on the outside of it or something. I don't know. It's just a pun and maybe it goes somewhere. Either way, Mike, let us know what happens and get the owl. Like Jake. I think this is spare no expense.

[A]

I think this will work.

[E]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[B]

All right, Mike.

[A]

All right.

[E]

I appreciate it, guys. Thanks.

[A]

Wait. Actually, Mike, really fast.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

If you can't find the owl, why don't we pay Rob, our sculptor, to make an owl with a suction hook on it? And those are realistic owls.

[B]

How about we get the wings out, too? Like it's. It's not happy.

[A]

So let's do this, Mike. Look around for it, and if you can't find, email in and we'll talk to Rob. And see.

[B]

By the way, Mike, if I'm you even hearing what Jake said. Fake. Look around. Just tell us you couldn't find anything and then we'll take it.

[A]

It's gonna take a while.

[B]

All right, so look around, see if you can even just get something there to start. And if it isn't working, then maybe we can get Rob involved.

[E]

Sounds good.

[A]

All right, thanks, Mike.

[B]

Go get him.

[E]

I appreciate it, guys. Thanks a lot.

[A]

Bye. Pretty good.

[B]

Hell yeah. What's going on?

[A]

Pretty bad.

[B]

I was excited to hear.

[C]

I hope I get so much backup in the comments. That is not that high.

[B]

That is high.

[C]

Tie with a friend. You'll be fine.

[B]

With a friend.

[A]

You do it.

[C]

Why me out there?

[B]

I'll go.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[D]

All right.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

All right.

[A]

We also got a guy who will film it.

[B]

Wait, I'll tell you what.

[C]

You also have to get a babysitter for my kids.

[B]

That's Rob.

[A]

Yeah, Rob.

[B]

You have a husband, remember?

[A]

Sort of.

[B]

Hello.

[C]

Hello.

[B]

Hello. Wow. Aggressive.

[C]

Gareth, you would love the whole music that happens.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

I don't even think we know that there's hold music.

[C]

It restarts every 30 seconds. Which is your favorite.

[B]

Could you possibly give us a. Just a quick music. Could you try to do it real quick? It's all horrible.

[C]

And then it'll do that for like 20, 30 seconds and then restart.

[E]

It's great.

[B]

That's the Worst.

[A]

Can we ever hear that actually, like.

[C]

The real hold music?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It'd be nice to not only get a sense of it, but the whole community gets a sense of it. We could play some of it.

[B]

Hold music. I mean, in general.

[A]

You are wild.

[B]

It's a crazy thing we do.

[A]

All right, so who are you? What's your problem? We don't remember. We don't know who you are. So tell us who you are, what the problem was, and where you're at.

[C]

Yeah, so this is like a halfway point. Follow up. My name is Katie. I'm from North County, San Diego, and I'm 36 weeks pregnant with a neighbor named Sunny who likes to pop in the day. I come home from the hospital with my baby.

[B]

All right, so. Right.

[A]

I remember Sunny's wild ass. He likes to come over and be first. But you're not close with him.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only times he's ever been in our house.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

In the three and a half years we've lived here.

[D]

So.

[A]

So, Katie, what was the pitch that we, as a team, came up with?

[C]

Yeah, so I'll tell you that this is a. Like I said, this is a midpoint. I haven't had the baby yet.

[A]

I, like.

[C]

I have, like, a twitch, too. It's a long pregnancy, folks. So you guys. Well, first I said I don't want the guy over. And Jake being. I don't know if you're the last boomer or the first boomer, but you said, come on, I would want to go over to the house when I'm 70 and, you know, celebrate new life.

[B]

Katie, you're highlighting a very interesting quality in Jake, which is that the. The kind of empathy for the old weirdo is. The force is strong with him in that one.

[C]

Every call where there's an old man, Jake's like, you're losing me.

[A]

You're losing me.

[B]

I'm going to his time.

[A]

You're funny, Katie. Why do you think I like Eric so much?

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So, Katie, keep going. Where are we? So, first of all, 9 times 4 is 36.

[B]

Truth.

[A]

That baby's just chilling. What's going on with that wild ass baby? It's just going like this. I pass. I like it in here.

[C]

Brain cells. I have so few brain cells right now, I had no idea what you were talking about.

[A]

I'll tell you what's happening. And this is a guy who loved being inside my mother's womb. Eve. Jay. It's comfy in there, dude. You're creating a nice little home, Katie. You're fun to live inside. Gotta evict that little son of a. Is going like this? Nah, pass.

[B]

I'm doing pretty good here, to be honest with you.

[A]

You want me to go out and start my life? I'm good.

[B]

You know what I've discovered? Jake has extreme empathy for inside the womb. And when you're about to go into the grave.

[C]

Womb to tomb in Jake.

[B]

Circle, Mercy title bell.

[A]

Holy Katie.

[C]

To admit that's. That's straight from west side Story. Sorry.

[A]

Hey, D.

[B]

We don't need that.

[A]

Take the win. All right, Katie, so you're. Where are we at in the. Not at the midway point. We're at the end of the story. The baby just hasn't come.

[C]

Yeah, but for the call. This is a midway point. Yeah. For my pregnancy.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

Get out of this.

[C]

I'm glad I was on hold because I.

[A]

Do me a favor. Put the phone at the womb for a second. I'm going to talk to this.

[B]

This is biologically important.

[A]

Just give me a quick second.

[C]

Speaker phone.

[A]

Okay, nice. And is it a boy or a girl? Do you know?

[C]

It's a girl. Her name is Meline.

[B]

How are you?

[A]

All right. Hey, Meline, it's Jake. It's time to get out of this.

[D]

There.

[A]

I know, I know, I know. You're warm and comfy and all that, and your head is mushed up near your butt. But get out of your mom and let's start this thing, okay? You got about 85 to 90 years of work ahead of you. Okay, kid, you're gonna get it. Go to school. It's gonna be a drag. You're gonna get a job. Hopefully you get married, pop out some kids, maybe one day be a grandparent, do the whole thing. Okay, you listen to me, Maddie, but it's time to get out of your mother's body. All right?

[C]

Wait, wait, wait. Could you tell her to hold on for two weeks? I got people coming over in two weeks to clean my house.

[A]

Give me a second. Katie. Hey, Maddie. Good news. You got two more weeks, kiddo. Yeah, you know, we could have.

[B]

We could have done a piggly and mo for. We could have just. You know, a lot of babies are. Once they get out of the womb right away, they're experiencing extreme dysphoria.

[A]

Want to stay? They want to stay. All right, so, Katie, save us.

[B]

All right, all right.

[C]

Okay, reel it in, reel it in. Okay, this is threefold. The first part's really short. Gareth. Thank you for naming it. Breaking in Entamins. That's what you Named the episode. All right, someone from Entamins emailed the podcast. We'd love to get some goodies.

[B]

I remember I was just telling someone about that the other night, how Entenmanns reached out to us. Yes, because Natalie mentioned something.

[C]

But here's the thing. I emailed back and I was so sick in December and, like, pregnant and hungry that I was like, just send me everything now. Here's my address. Here's all my information. I like your donuts. And I never heard back. What if that was fun? And I looked in the email. Nowhere in the email did it say Eminence anywhere.

[A]

Wait, it was a fake?

[C]

I don't think so. I think it's just like a. A publicist or something for their agency.

[B]

But they. But Entamins offered and has left you hanging.

[A]

Entamins. What's up?

[C]

Entamins Heard anything?

[B]

This is a pregnant.

[A]

You can't. You can't practice donuts.

[C]

So it was like Sunny's adult daughter somewhere in the US thinking, I gotta find out if this is my dad, and then went fishing and she got.

[B]

Me because I was so hungry. But wait, you. But your concern has been that you over responded to.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You're like, I love everything.

[C]

My home address to a stranger.

[A]

No, hold on. Wait, Natalie, did you vet them at all or did we just forward it over?

[B]

Yo, I'm Gus Entomans. I'd love to send us some kicks.

[A]

This, Katie, this is your pregnancy. You've turned into Steve Berg. I. Jesus Christ. Get me those donuts. Here's where I live.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Hey, that's a murderer.

[C]

You guys, I did not get. Oh, no, we got a lot of emails.

[A]

I know we do. I know we do.

[C]

If I get murdered, just follow the trail of donut crumbs back to that email. It's a global agency. They. They represent Gillette. It'll be fine.

[A]

All right, guys, so if you were the person who emailed in, if you're with enemies, get in touch with us. So we know that donuts are coming and not John Wayne Gacy.

[B]

Honest.

[C]

Okay, I might already live next to John Wayne Gacy.

[A]

Oh, Sonny, man, you live next to Eric.

[C]

He's sweet.

[A]

Okay, so here you went weird with the donuts and they passed. It's happened to the best of us.

[B]

Very relatable.

[A]

Very relatable.

[C]

It's a real update. I'm probably. Natalie's probably, like, she's taking way too much time. But here's the story. So my husband told me something last month. We were sick which is why I haven't called until now. But he one day at the kitchen table said, it's time I let you in on something.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

And I think this is going to affect whether or not Sunny comes over. And I don't think he's coming over. I was like, what? What are you talking about? And he goes, so a couple months ago, when we had all those ants, we got terrible ants this summer. It was so hot and just horrible ants.

[B]

You're not ready for intimates. You're an intimate. You will.

[C]

Guys, you'll appreciate this story. Okay?

[B]

The little.

[C]

Here's the qualifier. The thing you should know. In the, like, warm months, Sunny and his wife will sit on a little bench in front of their front door late at night, like 9 to 11 type of late, right? So we sit out there to enjoy the time. So my husband's like, there were a lot of ants. And I just went nuts and I grabbed the spray stuff. And if we come out our front door, they can immediately see us. So I sent you a picture. We're at the end of a cul de sac.

[A]

We get to see Sunny's ass. This. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

We get to see his little bench.

[A]

Oh, there's all beautiful little neighborhood. It's gonna be great for the kids. They're gonna ride their bikes on that thing.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I love living on a cul de sac. But they can see us if we come out the front door.

[E]

Here's the issue.

[C]

My husband was following ants out the other side of the house. So he comes out.

[A]

It's late at night, the ants. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

He's just bending over, following this trail two houses down, and he says to me, me. And I heard the unmistakable sounds of a man receiving some sort of sexual pleasure on his front porch.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

What?

[A]

Oh, gosh.

[B]

What?

[A]

Sonny's 70.

[B]

Oh, my God, the porch.

[C]

That's 70 70s. It's late as night in his hog on the front porch.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait means masturbating.

[B]

You're. I thought I was picturing the. The wife was maybe on the porch giving him a.

[A]

Or at least somebody.

[C]

No, no, I. I think she was reaching over, doing it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Two young fucking kids.

[B]

Yeah. So Sunny's getting just a couple of.

[A]

Teenagers the night of prom. God bless him.

[B]

For anyone who's not understanding, Sonny got jerked off on the porch by his wife. Life.

[A]

Hey, Ed, you want to send some donut holes?

[B]

Hey, Sunny. Sunny's a bit of a glazer.

[A]

Hey, less sweet story. Yeah. Donut machine.

[B]

En.

[D]

Please.

[B]

Reach out.

[A]

Yeah, we don't do great with sponsors. So there's an old guy getting his hog Yang.

[B]

Now, are you ready to join the train Intimates? Hello.

[C]

So, yeah, so my husband just tries going back to the house. House unnoticed. And he's. The houses he was in front of are on the other side. So he wasn't in front of Sunny's house. But all of a sudden my. My husband said he heard his name, like Sunny said, like date, you know, David's out here or something like that. Because it stopped. And he said ever since then, he thinks then he's been avoiding him.

[A]

Son, he's not coming over. You can't get caught. You can't get caught getting your hog yanked and then go like this. The baby's born. These are different sides of a personality.

[B]

You. You. I will counter that it could happen just because you want to make it seem like you weren't getting jacked off on the board.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

So as a sign of coverage, two.

[A]

Things can be true.

[B]

Yeah, this is very true. Yes. Right.

[C]

So this. He told me this in December. This happened probably like late September or something. And a couple like a week ago, I heard Sonny talking to my husband and I said, was it. Was that like a normal interaction or something? Now my husband's like, I don't know, still come over because he's asking about the baby and how far you are and everything. The third update is I did go with your advice, which was to buy a fake baby doll and have it ready to go. So there is a picture of that.

[B]

Oh, my God, that looks so real.

[A]

That looks so good.

[C]

It was Black Friday, 25 bucks.

[A]

That's great.

[C]

You know, you just throw a magnetic.

[A]

If Aaron sends you donuts, put them all around that big baby.

[B]

Oh, honestly, if Andaman's ever. Yeah, that can be sort of a.

[C]

Shoot just with fake babies and donuts.

[B]

Pastry Nativity.

[C]

That's your 20, 27 calendar right there.

[A]

Fake baby and donuts.

[B]

We sell eight now, Katie, just to be clear, the pitch is that if Sunny's coming round, then you put the.

[A]

Fake baby baby in the living room.

[B]

You've got the fake baby. You go to the baby sleeping. It's not time or something like that.

[C]

You know, just take your baby, right? Your two pitches were, hey, leave some. Leave some coffee cake at the front door and say, mom and baby are home, they're doing great, and maybe that'll keep him. But then it led to. He's probably just going to show up with coffee cake in his mouth and go, hey, where's the baby? So in that case, have a fake baby.

[A]

Yeah, these are great place.

[B]

These are great place.

[A]

Yeah, these guys are smart.

[B]

Yeah, we've got a moat.

[C]

Hey, you're here. You're here to help. All right?

[A]

Yeah. Gareth and I, we pitch. And dumb enough that we barely remember what happens afterwards. But I will say the guys who pitched on this are smart.

[B]

I agree. If us or whoever. I'm loving what we're hearing.

[A]

We probably as a guest.

[B]

Two great pitches.

[A]

Maybe. Maybe the guest helper on that one was Albert Einstein. Because that's a genius idea.

[B]

You've got the door bribe followed by the baby distraction linked with a donut company. Yeah, well, ideally, apparently we've got entamins ghost posted.

[A]

So, Katie, this is great news. I would say. I love. This is our first ever mid update, but it's a win.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Now we're just. We're back to the baby for a second. Hey, Maddie, I need you to stay in there for two more weeks, kid. And then after that, she's gonna listen. She's. She's. She and I are connected. She's a good kid, so. And then when you're born, hey, up to you. You want to fart and burp and scream. Do your thing, kid. Your life starts. It's not on your mother's sleep schedule. It's on yours. Right?

[D]

Let's.

[B]

Let's remember the truth. I know.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Everybody has babies and they go. I'm trying to put them on a schedule.

[B]

I understand.

[A]

They're not accessories, honey.

[B]

Well, look, there's an entire life is starting. Are we trying to coerce or trying to keep the baby? You know what I mean.

[A]

Friends with. I'm choosing Maddie over Katie.

[C]

I think. I think he got lost along the.

[B]

Way, which happens, but I've never seen the unbolt born.

[A]

Guess what? Maddie and I are a team here. Hey, Maddie, honey, do it. You want to come out tomorrow? Do whatever the you want. It's your reliance.

[C]

You know what, Jake? Screw you. I didn't put you on speakerphone. She hasn't heard a single thing.

[A]

You snake. I'm gonna be sunny and get a hand job by my wife on the.

[B]

Porch next to yours.

[A]

And look at your husband's butt while he's looking at ants.

[B]

Oh, no. Can you imagine getting jacked off around ants? And I'd like to take a second to talk to intimates real quick. Look, you didn't have to reach out, but if it's you really? Who reached out? This baby's coming soon. Can we get some coffee cake over here? I was explaining Entenmanns to someone the other day who somehow didn't know what Entenmanns was. And I'm not going to lie, the word classy was thrown around.

[A]

Holy shit. And Gareth never uses classy.

[B]

No, I'm from a place called Brown Deer. Okay, we don't know what classy is, but I know entamins is classy.

[A]

Katie, thank you for the call. Thank you.

[B]

Katie's way to go.

[C]

You'll hear from me soon.

[A]

Let us know what happens with those donuts. That old man?

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Okay. Will too.

[B]

Boy, what a closing.

[A]

See you, Katie.

[B]

Bye, Katie.

[A]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by.

[B]

Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis.

[A]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[B]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember all the advice advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[C]

That was a hitgam podcast.

[A]

All video episodes of season one are.

[C]

Available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward/heretohelpod.

[B]

Hi, I'm Drew Offalo.

[C]

And I'm Jason Afoalo, and we host.

[B]

The Headgum podcast Two Idiot Girls.

[C]

Each episode we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at at a sleepover with your weird cousins.

[B]

We talk about all kinds of things.

[C]

Like weird dating, horror stories, maybe a.

[B]

Really bad wedgie you had once, or.

[C]

Even a show you're loving and anything in between. So you can listen to two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.