B (2:07)

Grier, you know, great cheese.

A (2:09)

It's a fancy little old event.

B (2:10)

Yeah, he knew. And I'm like, obviously knows what he's doing.

A (2:13)

Yeah, he was going the good cheese. But, like, I was watching this guy, and I'm like, he has no idea that his breath smells like a baboon's GI tract. You know what I mean? Like, he's walking around like this. What do you mean?

B (2:28)

I don't know, actually, Steve, it was horrible reference.

A (2:31)

It was horrible.

B (2:32)

If I could Pull out.

A (2:33)

And I'm like, what if? And we can tie it in with what we do. Is there a business opportunity and. Because if I would desperately want to know if I was doing something like that. Right?

B (2:43)

Sure, sure.

A (2:44)

What if for a small fee, say 70 bucks Canadian, somebody can email us and say somebody's doing X, whether it's horrible breath, dandruff, saying something offensive.

B (2:58)

Right.

A (2:59)

We don't know how to deal with it. Can you guys reach out and let this person know? And we can do it through a burner phone or anonymous email, but to me, this guy has no idea that he's alienating and oppressing people with his God awful breath. Well, and is there something we can do to help?

B (3:16)

Now, I'm not going to mention any names, Eric, but there was someone in the improv community years ago who had halitosis and he had done everything.

A (3:24)

Give me that name. Give me that name.

B (3:26)

I'm not giving you the name. All right, you want me to name?

A (3:30)

Would you have to be on stage with this guy and then dealing with him in the bar at the improv Olympic west afterward? Yeah, I can't do it. I. I start to hate the person. I feel really bad saying that.

B (3:40)

Well, yeah. Well, Eric, this might be more about you opening your heart to someone who actually has a disorder. Halitosis is something not easy to get rid of. You could eat 27 mints and buddy, that house is going to push on through to the other side, so.

A (3:55)

But if I talk with somebody that has it and they don't have a mint in their mouth, they could be doing something to mitigate it. Maybe this is more on me, but what if this guy has no clue? What if the guy in the improv community had no clue?

B (4:07)

He knew. He knew because he had halitosis. He told us. He's like, have you heard of halitosis?

A (4:15)

Supercalifragilisticexpialitosis.

B (4:19)

It always goes.

A (4:20)

Even though the sound of it is, the smell of it is really quite atrocious. It all comes back to Dick Van Dyke, baby dude. Well, that's. So he would say, I have halitosis. I have horrible breath. Like, yeah, his life just has to be worse for it. And now I'm sure. Oh, that's rough, man.

B (4:38)

But it's a thing. I mean, like, you can. You can get it from having a weird diet.

A (4:41)

So if you have a medical condition and then you get an anonymous email from we're here to help, saying you're pissing. It's not helping, is it?

B (4:47)

Or, no, it's not helping. It's probably just hurting this guy for. He's like, dude, I know, I know.

A (4:51)

There's nothing I can do.

B (4:53)

All of a sudden, you have Edelstein calling you on a burner phone that it keeps. You keep on watching on a burner phone. I love. First off, you. You love to mention a burner phone.

A (5:01)

Oh, I want a burner phone. I've never had one. I want one.

B (5:04)

I'm gonna get you one. Because you talk about, like, there's this. There's some exotic object that are impossible to like, actually.

A (5:10)

Well, where do you get them? Is it still. I mean, really.

B (5:14)

Well, I mean, I'm saying that from. Because I watched the Wire. That was also, like, 15 years ago.

A (5:19)

But is it different now with an iPhone? Because it's not like a little Nokia. Yes. Do you have a burner phone?

B (5:24)

No, my dad did until about a year ago. Whoa.

A (5:26)

Why'd your dad have a burner phone? Is he moving drugs?

B (5:29)

Well, I'll tell you what. He is a Luddite and against technology. And finally, we made him get an iPhone just so we could, like, you know. You know, when he's off playing tennis, we can keep track of him a little bit. You know, he's not a young man, but up to then, he just had a burner phone he left in his glove compartment for emergencies. But, I mean, the man still doesn't really even know how to use a phone. Well, I think, Eric, we should do an experiment where we get you a burner phone and you turn off your iPhone for one week and just go, burner phone.

A (5:54)

Oh, my God. That'd be so fun, buddy.

B (5:56)

Do you think you could do it?

A (5:58)

No, I think. I mean, I'm sort of addicted to the iPhone, too. I've been off Instagram this year. The only time I've gotten on was to retweet weird here to help repost. And then this live read I did last night at the Dynasty Typewriter, and I have not scrolled yet in this new year.

B (6:16)

Yeah, that's good.

A (6:16)

It's a real. I realize what a goddamn addict I am.

B (6:19)

We're getting you a burner phone.

A (6:21)

So we're going to get a burner phone. We're going to build that to Jacob Johnson.

B (6:24)

Yeah, Jacobus J. Johnson.

A (6:26)

Jacobus J. Johnson is going to pay for this burner phone. And it's an experiment for Weird here to help.

B (6:31)

It is. It's great.

D (6:33)

I think you get a lot of joy out of it. You can hide it under Your bed, you can have it in your, in your glove compartment.

A (6:39)

And so maybe I'll do it rogue on my own. Like, if somebody does not have medically induced halitosis and you think they need a delicate reminder, if somebody has dandruff, if somebody talks too closely, if, you know somebody's using some words maybe they shouldn't be using, they're going to get a call from an 818 burner phone and I'm going to lead them to glory. So let's ask the listeners, because I like this, because I'm starting to. You and I are very positive. I'm starting to air some social graces stuff.

B (7:05)

Yeah.

A (7:06)

And we did get some kickback last week on my rants about one saying, don't correct people in bars. People like, well, we are in a battle against misinformation. I really don't think your country. I'm not talking about political stuff. And then the other thing, which is hilarious is I railed against people playing videos loudly in public. And then I insisted they had to watch the Australian guy at the succulent meal. But I said, watch it on your own time. I wasn't pulling it out at a restaurant. And loudly having someone watch it. What we're talking about is in public, don't watch these videos. And what we're talking about is in a bar. Let the illusion of a bar exist.

B (7:44)

Yeah.

A (7:45)

I'm not saying don't fact check. I've worked on many political campaigns. I'm as upset about the misinformation as anyone. But I'm talking about social graces here that nothing derails a fun Barclay section like, oh, actually it was Archduke Ferdinand in 1916.

B (7:59)

Shut up.

A (8:01)

Let it leave.

B (8:02)

I've worked on many political campaigns. Like, he's Eric. Eric's our James Carville over here.

A (8:07)

I'm a James Carter. Now, what we need to do, I'm telling you right now, Stephen, I'm telling you right now, is you need to quit correcting people. Let the bar drunk be our ambassador.

B (8:17)

I mean, Eric, you'll find Eric at a lot of political war room tables.

A (8:20)

Oh, come on, please, please. Down to brass pack. Well, I, I, I worked. You know, it's a little like working on I was a political junkie. And then it's a little like, if you love hot dogs, don't go work at the hot dog factory. Because working in political campaigns was pretty, pretty disheartening. I should talk to Dan Johnson about this stuff because for me, it was like, oh, it's just all about what? Your donors. Are you serious? Well, it's only about your donors. We're not. Oh, no. And my idealism kind of got swept away.

B (8:48)

I think. What? They're just the police, you know, These campaigns are just using you the wrong way.

A (8:53)

I think they excuse.

B (8:54)

They need to get you just in just an office. Not the script office. Maybe it's like a globe. So we can kick your feet up and just get you about six to seven burner phones and just calling people for campaigns.

A (9:06)

And I promise for the people that thought I was promoting misinformation, I promise to promote goodness and fact checking in a political realm, but in a bar realm. Leave that phone in your pocket, babe. When? 13ft. When we open our bar in Omaha, Spokane, we're not going to allow cell phones to leave a pocket.

B (9:21)

I'm with you.

A (9:22)

I'm with you. Until you call Lyft, that phone is in the pocket. And you sure as shit can't play a video, email it to that person, have them watch it later.

B (9:30)

Yeah, you are. You're going to hear no arguments from old Steve Berg.

A (9:33)

I appreciate that, but I love the kickback and I want to keep this dialogue going. Keep calling me crazy friends, as you can tell, Steve, Gareth and Jake keep me from being a true lunatic. I'm like a quarter lunatic because they're keeping me in check. And I'm asking the listeners to please keep doing it.

B (9:52)

Yep, Hear that, folks. So it's on you. Help us out. Help help us keep Erica, check. Eric, without further ado, would you be interested in taking some calls and see.

A (10:00)

If we can help Steve, I'd be so interested. I love you, buddy. Let's help.

B (10:03)

All right. Let's do it. God bless. Bob Weir. Thank you so much for everything.

A (10:06)

All right, let's take some calls.

E (10:11)

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. Isn't that right, Stephen Berg, host of Weird, Here to Help?

B (10:22)

Oh, it sure is. Correct. Correctamundo. Jaco. I'll tell you what. My lovely wife, she always, I feel, deserves something that shows that I put thought and effort into the situation.

A (10:32)

Right?

B (10:33)

It's why I trust 1-800-FLowers.com.

A (10:35)

Jake.

B (10:35)

They have never let me down. Amazing bouquets, high quality, delivered on time. Which is something because today a lot of things aren't delivered on time. And they do it every single time.

E (10:45)

You know who I send my flowers to? Not my lovely wife.

B (10:48)

Who?

E (10:50)

Pam Reynolds.

B (10:51)

Oh, well, I'm, you know, I'm with you. I have sent A probably a baker's dozen bouquets to her and it's paying off because she likes me the most.

E (11:00)

No, she doesn't. She likes me the most.

B (11:02)

Contraire, mon frere. She is quite the Berg fan. I mean, she has a calendar. Do you have a calendar, Jake? I don't think you do.

E (11:08)

Did you know that 1-800flowers has been doing this for 50 years? They source roses from the best high altitude farms that produce bigger blooms, richer colors and flowers that last. All jokes aside, I did get a Christmas bouquet for Aaron. I just wanted to use our promo code and see how it worked. They were beautiful. They came on time and she was impressed and she thought, wow. Oh, Jakeer. I didn't want to say, well, they're an ad sponsor so I didn't mention that part of it. This year, 1800 Flowers is making it even better. Better with exclusive Double Blooms offer. Buy one dozen roses, they'll double your bouquet to two dozen for free. Twice the impact without breaking the bank. Make this Valentine's one. She will. Remember to get your double blooms offer. Buy one, get two dozen free. Go to 1-800flowers.com here to help. That's 1-800flowers.com Here to help to double your roses for free. You want to be sexy this year? You want to compete with Steve Berg with the sexiest hunk of the year? Then you gotta wear Quince. A new year, colder days. This is the moment your winter wardrobe really has to deliver. If you're craving a winter reset, start with pieces truly made to last season after season. Quince brings together premium materials, thoughtful design and enduring quality so you stay warm, look sharp and feel your best all season long. Hey, Quince. If you want to dress Eric and Steve, we'll do a little photo shoot of those two hunks. Looking for some new models. Quince, I got the guys for you. They're great looking men and they know how to wear Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They know how to wear wool coats, leather and suede outerwear that actually hold up to daily wear and still look good. Their outerwear is really impressive. Imagine Steve Berg in that. Think down jackets, wool coats and Italian leather outwear that keeps you warm when it's actually cold.

D (13:18)

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E (13:54)

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Do you like building websites, Elizabeth?

B (14:00)

Yeah.

E (14:01)

Do you know an easy place where you could build a website? Squarespace. Squarespace.com a sponsor of the podcast. We're here to help. Thanks, Elizabeth.

D (14:11)

We adore Squarespace. My website is Squarespace. My other podcast, the Dollops website, is Squarespace. Every website I am associated with is Squarespace. I am currently working with one of the callers behind the scenes on a website and we're going Squarespace because they do it all for you. They make it easy for you to get involved in the website game. And you have to have a website. I mean, what are we doing here? They've got everything. They have cutting edge design, SEO tools. You know, I'm a big SEO tools guy. Search engine optimization, that's me, baby. If you want to set up a place for donations, videos, it's just every way you can up your legitimacy online, Squarespace is there for you. And like I said, right now I'm working very closely with a caller and I am shark tanking her business. And we're using a Squarespace site and we've used Squarespace on the show tons of times because user friendly, makes it look legit and can't say enough good stuff about it. I mean, that's why we talk about Squarespace all the time. So go to squarespace.com GilSentMe for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code GILSENTME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

B (15:30)

Well, hello, caller. You are on Weird. Here to help with the lovely Eric Edelstein and me, which I'm Okay. Steve Berg, where are you calling from and what name will you be using today?

F (15:42)

Hello?

C (15:43)

Oh, so fast. Thanks, guys. Hey, I'm Kristen and I'm calling from Kansas City.

B (15:50)

Oh, wake up, wake up, wake up. To Kansas City. I went to the University of Kansas. I am. And I was in Kansas City last Monday. How about that?

C (16:00)

Oh, my God, I missed you.

B (16:02)

Yeah, I had.

C (16:03)

What were you doing in case.

B (16:05)

I had a friend who has had some health problems. So I went there, there and I took him some Minsky's Pizza and we had a wonderful pizza lunch in a really short, like little visit. But it was lovely. Lovely. I love Kansas City. I know it very well. I grew up there. A lot of family there.

C (16:21)

Oh my God. Well, I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but that's. Yeah, that's very cool. You're in town.

B (16:25)

Yeah. Shout out Jim Williams. We love him. He's. He's doing great now. Well, Kristen, to get us started, would you mind if you're in a desert island, would you mind telling us without thinking of it, thinking about it? One album you would bring, one film you would bring and one book you would bring just off the top of your head without thinking about it. Go.

C (16:44)

Yeah, I would bring the Zaba album by Glassy Animals. School of Rock would be the movie.

B (16:53)

Sure. Fun.

C (16:54)

And then book would be Lord of the Rings because I've never read it but I heard it's really long. So I feel like that would keep me pretty busy.

B (17:01)

It would. It'll take your place into some really wonderfully fun, magical realms. You, I can already tell you're a, you're a fun, fun person.

A (17:08)

Those are great. We know you now. We know Chris.

B (17:10)

Chris. And really quick, what part of Kansas City do you live in? I'm not sure I dox you or anything, but just so I can, I can get a feel of your geographical location.

C (17:18)

Yeah, I live near Westport.

B (17:21)

Oh, you live in the hipster area. Are you by, you're by Brookside and stuff?

C (17:25)

Yeah, it's north of Brookside, so yeah, it's kind of like midtown area.

B (17:30)

Oh, that is the place to be the home of jazz music. Oh my God. The best barbecue in the lower 48. I know that's controversial, but I think Kansas City is the best. So Kristen, my great sister friend from Kansas City, how can my brother Eric, Elstein and I help you today?

C (17:49)

Yeah, so we have been living in this house in I guess around Westport for a few years now. And it's been somewhat of the same group all living together since 2021. And we've had lots of get togethers and thrown lots of parties and whatnot. And one of our biggest parties has been Halloween.

E (18:12)

Yes.

C (18:13)

Yeah, it's pretty well attended. We go all out on decor. And one year, I think it was back in 22, our, one of our roommates, Lauren, she made a mummy out of one of our friends.

B (18:27)

Classic Lauren.

C (18:28)

He's like six four. Yeah. So it was like a life size mummy. She wrapped him in duct tape, covered it in like, toilet paper and then stuffed it with plastic bags and whatnot. And I love this. It's been. Yeah.

B (18:41)

Yeah.

C (18:41)

It's been a fixture at all of our Halloween parties since. And we keep in our basement. So whenever we get house tours, like, we'll always talk about the mummy, and the repair guys that come visit the house always ask about it, and then we'll bring it out every now and then.

B (18:56)

And the repair guys are like, well, we're not sure if you're, like, a serial killer or some kind of necromancer, but either way, we're going to fix that cable box for you.

A (19:05)

Oh, well.

B (19:05)

Amazing. You have a fun spirit. I wouldn't hate it. I wouldn't hate it. Jesse, let me get my peepers on this thing. Lay it on me.

C (19:16)

Yeah.

B (19:16)

Here we go.

A (19:17)

Oh.

C (19:17)

I mean, yeah.

A (19:18)

Wow. It's horrifying. Oh, my gosh.

B (19:22)

Is that. Is that. Am I looking at King Tut right now?

A (19:25)

King Tutor. Oh, my God. Upside down is terrifying. It looks like it's in a cocoon and about to sprout.

B (19:34)

Honestly, that is. I could totally see some, like, ancient, like, deity just, like, emerging from that mummy casing.

C (19:41)

Yeah, no, the mummy means a lot to us, and it's been a lot of fun living here, but we're all moving out at the end of this month.

B (19:50)

Everyone's growing up, going their separate ways.

A (19:53)

End of an era. Yeah.

B (19:55)

Everyone's gonna say, hey, man, we'll hang out. We'll hang out. You're never gonna hang out with these people ever again. Kidding.

A (20:02)

I'm skating. Not true. 723 sharp. And Spokane. No, they're. They're family.

B (20:11)

No, I'm kidding. Okay, so is everyone. Are you all, like, kind of disassembling? Because, like, he kind of hit that age where it's like, all right. It's like, you know, living in the party house was fun. We had a good time. But now it's time to, like, you know, butt it up a little more. Is that what I'm getting at?

A (20:27)

Yeah.

C (20:27)

Yeah. Kind of just closing the chapter in our lives. Everyone's going their separate ways, and the, I guess question or pitch is how to end this chapter in our lives and also how to commemorate the mummy, because no one will be taking it with them since it's so big and we won't really be throwing the same types of Halloween parties that we started in the past.

F (20:49)

So.

C (20:50)

Not really sure what to do with it.

B (20:51)

I have an idea wrapped. We can get more detail, this idea, but what comes to mind right off the bat, even before you said what the problem was. You have to have one last Halloween party. I don't give a shit if it's on Halloween. It could be January 20th for all I care. Because Halloween is a state of mind. Spooky season for me is 365. Not just in October. I'm thinking you have the Halloween party to end all Halloween parties. And at the end of the night, you know how they used to honor people? Like a Viking funeral. You burn this effigy in the most positive way and you send this mummy into the ether. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. And like, look, is it up? Are you going to get in trouble? Sure. But you're also moving out.

C (21:39)

Yeah, true. Who cares?

B (21:40)

Yeah, I mean, you know, it's a rental. I'm not saying break stuff and stuff. You know, you have a security deposit, but like, I think a small fire or you go out to, like, you know, a place where you feel like it's okay for you to burn like a mummy or. And you do it up. Eric, where are you at with this?

A (21:56)

I think you find the busiest bus stop in Kansas City. You drop that thing off before it gets busy, like 5:30 or 6. Then you hang back and watch what goes down because it is going to be the most entertaining thing you've ever seen in your life. People are going to freak out. That is a great. Cops may be called. You are going to end your reign as roommates together perfectly by freaking some people out in a truly cosmic way.

B (22:23)

That is so great. You know what?

A (22:26)

Imagine you're driving by a bus stop and you see that thing.

B (22:29)

Eric, you know, I think both these ideas couple together wonderfully. It's like you take this mummy out, like, on a. Like one last run. You show it a great week. That's why you showed a great time.

A (22:41)

I was in Tulsa this year. I drove up to Kansas City because I've always wanted to go. What a great city it is. I went to a Royals game.

B (22:48)

I went to Kaufman Stadium, one of.

A (22:51)

The great ballpark parks in the world.

B (22:52)

Agreed.

A (22:53)

You try to bring that mummy to a Royals game.

B (22:55)

Yeah.

A (22:56)

You show that mummy. You get pictures of the mummy with a hot dog and a beer.

B (22:59)

Put it in a Rocky with a Royals hat, with a Bobby Witt Jr. Jersey.

A (23:03)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You let Bobby Witt and Jack Haglion see the mummy, like, for real. Like, this is a very exciting chance to really mess with people's heads and get this mummy seen by the world. And it's a perfect way to kind of end an era.

B (23:19)

Yeah. Yeah.

A (23:20)

I think that, like, I'm curious what they're going to charge the mummy for admission. They're great people at Royals Ballpark. Made some friends there in the front office. But I think you got to try to get that mummy in the game. If you don't, you leave it outside, which is kind of even more hilarious in that, like, courtyard out there.

B (23:37)

You basically. You're basically doing a one week, like. Like a week or two, like Weekend at Bernie's with this mummy.

A (23:43)

Yeah. Well, what's your favorite barbecue place in Kansas City? What's your absolute favorite restaurant in Kansas City?

B (23:49)

Oklahoma Joe's. Q39. Jack Stack. It's got to be one of those.

C (23:54)

Yeah, I was gonna say Jack Stack.

B (23:56)

Yeah.

A (23:56)

Jack the Mummy's going to Jack Stack and it's going to party.

B (24:00)

Get the rib trio of lamb, pork and beef.

A (24:04)

We want the mummy covered in barbecue sauce with a Bud Light and a joint dangling from its mouth. Or we haven't done this properly.

B (24:11)

Yeah.

A (24:11)

This mummy needs to go outright.

B (24:13)

And it's a big Weekend at Bernie's Mummy get.

A (24:16)

Weekend at Mummies.

B (24:17)

Yeah. Weekend Do a weekend at Mummy's. This little baby who's met a lot to you guys, the time of his life. It's like. It's like. It's like the mummy has a bucket list. Whatever you think the bucket list would be, start checking those off. And then I would say it all ends with one big, beautiful party for this mummy. It's also a great way to burn something and, like, solidifies the friendship that you all have had.

A (24:42)

I don't want you breathing in the tape and all that other stuff, though. I. Steve is burning. I think you leave it at a bus stop because. And watch someone is going to pick up that mummy and it's going to be one of the funniest things you've ever seen in that life of watching someone load that mummy in their car. Because someone's going to want it because it's a free mummy. You know, you don't get a lot of chances to get a free mummy in this life. It's going to surprise you who takes it. And you know that mummy is going on to a real fun new adventure.

B (25:09)

And I will say, in a perfect world, someone at the bus stop grabs that mummy and takes on the bus with them. And then we never know where the mummy ends up.

A (25:15)

Never know again, just. But the mummy starts popping up around Kansas City.

B (25:19)

Yeah.

A (25:20)

Oh, my God.

B (25:20)

It'll be in a Taylor Swift show in, like, you know, Tallahassee in a month. Who knows where the thing can end up? You could even put it.

C (25:29)

Yeah, I love that.

B (25:30)

You could even put an air tag on it and so you can track it.

A (25:32)

Oh, air tag the mummy. Well, pay for the air tag. That's no problem at all.

B (25:37)

Yeah, well, Jacobus Johnson Industries will pay for the.

A (25:40)

Yeah, we really need. Because this demands an update. We want pictures of the mummy at the. At the Royals game, at the restaurant, at the bus stop. And if you can get a picture of whoever grabs this mummy or burning it, whichever you choose, we love.

B (25:55)

That's up to you. That's up to you.

A (25:57)

Steve and I have two different opinions, but I think the mummy could stay alive.

B (26:01)

Where are you at? This Christian from Kansas City.

C (26:03)

Yeah, I like the Weekend at Bernie's idea. I think that's hilarious. It is super heavy. So there's some logistics to figure out with that.

B (26:11)

Right, right. A wheel. Like a garden wheelbarrow. Put it in a wheelchair. I mean, like, you know, there's transportation. I mean, I'm a heavy guy. Eventually someone's got to lug me around, probably. So. I mean, like, you know, there are just ways around it.

A (26:23)

Odds are it's me, and I'm thrilled with that sacred responsibility because it goes both ways.

B (26:29)

Eric, you would be the best. I mean, like, yeah, if. I mean, like, look, I'm putting you in my hands, man.

A (26:35)

Please, I promise I won't let you down. I. I know how to keep you happy, buddy. Don't you worry.

B (26:39)

You do.

A (26:40)

You. Don't you worry. Oh, yeah. You're a dream caretaker. And everything else, we even. Don't even. Even need to mention.

B (26:47)

We don't need to mention the rest.

A (26:49)

Yeah. Take this mummy to a proper meal. Give time of its life.

B (26:54)

Yeah, Yeah. I love.

C (26:56)

Absolutely. I love the airtag idea. I think that was maybe the best advice you guys ever. So we're gonna incorporate that.

B (27:03)

Yeah. Follow. Follow the money or the mummy. And I would. I. I would say what if it.

A (27:08)

Ends up in Egypt in the museum.

B (27:13)

Sarcophagus, right under the sphinx, where the hall of Records is. We all know the hall records is under the Sphinx. But I. You know, I'd also say what'd be kind of fun, too, is if you and your roommates right now, y' all had, like, some kind of fun beverage, and you sat around and you created, like, five things on the mummy's bucket list. And that's just things you guys have to. That's and you have to check it off.

C (27:35)

One thing that came to mind was seeing if the museum would take it. But I don't know. I'd rather have the museum unwittingly, like have it come into their possession.

A (27:45)

Yeah, well, you instead of bus stop, drop that off at the Kansas City Metropolitan Museum of Art or the Natural History Museum and like let them deal with it and just say, put a note on it that says, hi, my name is Augustus. Please take care of me. And it will freak them out. And any museum curator worth their salt is going to realize they can't just throw it away, that they now have a mummy issue.

B (28:07)

No, you could also bury it.

A (28:09)

You could bury it. That's true.

D (28:10)

And then call an anonymous tip.

B (28:12)

There you go.

A (28:12)

That's great. That is great.

B (28:15)

I was also thinking when you put it at the bus stop, you could call the local news station or the Kansas City Star and say, hey, I don't know if you guys are aware of this. There's this mummy that keeps on shoving at random places all over the metro area. You guys should do a. It'd be interesting to do a story. You guys should get on top of that before an independent source does it. Is local news dead? I don't know how news.

A (28:34)

Today, a mummy has been spotted around Kansas City. We go now to Earth Schlatterton Live. What's the story with this mummy at the bus stop? Well, covered in barbecue sauce and cheap beer.

B (28:47)

Well, we're at the bus stop right now and apparently people have been calling in saying there's a mummy here. So lo and behold, there sure is a mummy here. It's got appears to be an oat milk latte and a bunt cake. We're not sure what the mummies do.

A (29:00)

You can't be surprised there. Everyone knows mummies can't do dairy. Goes right through them.

B (29:05)

Yeah. Now the weather. So I think there is a chance you could be like, you could make this into a really fun Kansas City metro area story. You know, take it to worlds of fun. I mean, take it, you know, down the water slide rides, take it to the jazz museum. I mean, Kansas City is, is just. There's so many wonderful things to show this mummy. So I would, I would really create that bucket list. See if you can turn it into this like, kind of like news worthy prank that the Casey Star or local news to get involved with. I mean, it's a long shot, but if it worked, legendary people would be singing songs about you forever.

A (29:48)

When are you or at the house.

C (29:49)

Yeah, January 31st.

B (29:51)

Oh, it's coming up.

A (29:53)

Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

B (29:56)

You guys have been living that same almost fire life, and then now it's ending. You're all gonna grow up and go to Wall street and, like, lose touch with who you are. Wear suits and hard shoes. I mean. No, don't. I'm just kidding. Don't do that.

A (30:07)

Shoes.

B (30:08)

We're wearing hard shoes. You're gonna start seeing concerts and hard shoes. You didn't have time to go home after work and change. But I'm just kidding. You don't have to do that if you don't want to. You never have to grow up. Eric and I didn't. And we made.

A (30:20)

No. Here we sit. We're getting paid for this.

B (30:22)

Here we sit. Here we sit. We're getting paid for this. To be a bunch of jackasses.

A (30:25)

Okay, hold on. I got a couple. I got one more. Steve. I'm sorry. Just on a win. Do you know that there's some pretty famous people buried in Kansas City, Including Walter Cronkite, who we desperately need these days in this world of misinformation.

D (30:41)

And.

A (30:42)

And one of my all time heroes in life, Satchel Page. Oh, yeah. So imagine if you take this mummy to a cemetery. If you kind of leave that mummy on Walter Cronkite's grave. Oh, my. Will the local news come calling.

B (30:59)

That's true. That's true.

A (31:00)

I will also say this. I know and am friends with the great Rob Curley, who is the editor of the Kansas City paper. Now, he's the editor of the Spokane paper, but he has tons of connections with Kansas City journalism, so we might really be able to get this covered.

B (31:15)

Eric would be willing to hop on a burner phone paid for by Jacobus Johnson Industries and make a call to the newspaper at Spokane. Wouldn't you, Eric?

A (31:23)

Oh, yeah. I don't even need to be a burner phone. Rob Curley is one of my good friends in this life. He's a hero. He got the local paper in Spokane, hooked up with Gonzaga. So instead of having an owner of the paper, it's now completely autonomous and they can just print the truth. It's a pretty cool thing. So we can talk to the great Rob Curley and say, hey, there's a mummy around Kansas City. This is a huge story. It's surging out of the Midwest.

B (31:47)

Taken. It's taking Casey by storm.

A (31:49)

Yeah.

B (31:49)

Well, Kristen, first off, I love Kansas City. It's automatically you're part of the family. And you have to do Eric and I a Solid. And please update us and let us know how this goes. We love pictures. We love video even more. But if you send those in, we will put those on the Patreon and people will eat it up like a spaghetti dinner.

A (32:08)

Oh, bonus points for a picture of the mummy at Walter Cronkite or Satchel pages. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

B (32:15)

How's that sound?

C (32:16)

Absolutely. I will confer with the roommates and. And see which way we're going.

A (32:20)

Okay. We love it.

B (32:21)

Go get a six pack of Boulevard this afternoon, sit around with the roommates and come up with that bucket list.

C (32:26)

Okay. We'll do. Well, thank you guys both so much for the help. It's been really fun listening to you on the show.

A (32:32)

So, Kristen, you give us wings.

B (32:35)

Yeah. Thank you, sister. At part two. We'll talk soon.

C (32:39)

All right.

A (32:39)

Bye bye.

B (32:40)

Peace.

E (32:44)

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hungry Root. You've heard us talk about Hungry Root before, so you know how much we love it because it truly simplifies our lives. As a busy parent, it's been a game changer, saving time, reaching health goals, and reducing stress. To do all my weekly food shopping with Hungry Root, it makes it easy to make sure that I'm getting good, nutritious food for the family in one stop shopping.

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E (34:43)

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A (34:56)

Oh.

D (34:56)

Booking.com offers you such a wide array of options when it comes to vacation rentals, hotels. Whether you're booking for yourself, whether you're booking for your. Your teenagers like me. I'm my little boy, Gareth jun. I'm booking him hotels through booking.com booking.com makes it so easy. And then, you know, on the off night when I have to book a hotel for myself. Booking.com right there. You know what? You're getting so user friendly.

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B (35:35)

Explain it. I do it frame by frame. Experiment. I don't.

A (35:38)

Ladies and gentlemen, Rooster t. Feathers presents Gareth Reynolds. Hello.

D (35:45)

We're combining the Saturday two shows into one. Well, numbers are low.

B (35:51)

You want. Gary, you want to do the intake or you want me to do this?

D (35:54)

No, I want to be the guest. I want. Yeah, I wanna. Yeah, I'm in the sidecar.

B (35:57)

Feeling spicy today.

A (36:00)

Let's go.

B (36:01)

I want to be good at something.

A (36:03)

Come on. Great.

B (36:06)

Well, hello, my friend, calling from a 603 area code. What is your name and where are you calling from?

F (36:13)

My name is Sarah and I'm calling from New Orleans.

B (36:16)

Sarah, have you ever heard that song by Jefferson Starship? Sarah. Sarah.

F (36:21)

I totally have.

B (36:22)

No, I bet you were named after that song. Cause you're having a good.

F (36:30)

I wish, but I'm. Me too. But I'm way too old to be named for it. But thank you. I love that.

B (36:35)

Well, you have a very useful voice, friend. Starship dude. Grace slick.

A (36:41)

No, I'm saying there's also hollow notes. Sarah, smile.

D (36:44)

Right?

F (36:45)

Oh, yeah. I think I'm also too old for that.

A (36:48)

You sound like you might be in our age range then, which we're thrilled with. We're happy dealing with Jake Johnson's younger fans, but this is. We're glad to have somebody in our age range. This is glorious.

B (36:58)

Are you genuine X?

F (37:00)

I am, I am. And actually, I Think I'm a couple years older than you guys.

A (37:05)

Right, Sarah, we also have huge news that you are joined by a special guest. It's Gareth Reynolds.

B (37:12)

Yeah, Serious.

D (37:14)

I'm serious.

A (37:15)

He's playing Rooster T Feathers Comedy Club tonight, but he was able to just jump in for a call with you, Sarah, and we're excited. New Orleans, a very spooky city. We hear you may have something kind of crazy going down. Say hi to Gareth, though, Sarah, please.

F (37:30)

Oh, my gosh, Gareth, I love you. And I actually wrote in my. In my email. I. Can I just read you one quick thing? I said I would love Eric and Steve's help with this, as I think it would really, quote, spark their interest. Horrible pun. Completely intended, even if only Gareth would appreciate it.

D (37:49)

I'm here.

F (37:50)

My issue is electrical.

D (37:51)

I'm here. Oh, wow.

F (37:53)

I know. And so the fact that we are here to help, I'm telling you, first off, it's meant to be.

A (37:59)

Okay, well, armistice. Consider it marvelous, sister.

D (38:02)

Huge.

A (38:03)

And we're thrilled to be talking to a Gen Xer. Finally, old Ben Franklin with the kite and the key. Oh, boy, that's big. Great poll, Steve. Great poll.

B (38:12)

Do you like that one?

A (38:13)

Yeah, Good reference. Good reference. It's Gen X. We can go further back. We can go back to the 1700s.

B (38:18)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

D (38:19)

I love it.

B (38:21)

I'll workshop it. I'll workshop it.

A (38:23)

Okay, so, Sarah, what is going down?

F (38:27)

Okay, so I have a fun random electrical issue or occurrence, I guess you could say, for a current I can remember.

B (38:38)

I love it.

C (38:39)

That's so good.

B (38:40)

So good.

A (38:41)

I love it.

B (38:44)

Yeah, he's too good.

F (38:46)

Nice. So when I walk under or drive under streetlights, they will often just turn on or turn off when I'm directly under the them.

A (38:55)

Really?

F (38:55)

Right? Yes. And I know this isn't, like, super duper uncommon, but this has been happening for, like, as long as I can remember. And it's in different cities because we're not from New Orleans. My husband's active duty military, so We've lived in 11 cities. It's happened everywhere, really. Just kind of weird, right? So combine that with one other weird electrical. Ish. I think things that I have, which is in. In almost every musical that I've been in for, like, the last 30 years, when we've had to use body microphones, like the mic pack, my mic will short out every time, but the same mic will work for another actor because it's community theater, so you always have to share. And then I'll get the mic Pack back and it won't work for me. It got so bad that in one of the last shows I was in, the sound engineer was like an actual scientist by day, and he's like. He put two condoms over the mic pack and it worked.

B (39:52)

You got to wear protection. Well, okay.

D (39:56)

I'm going to ask a lot came at us.

A (39:59)

Yeah.

B (40:01)

This is something I have actually heard about. You have Opening gambit Question. Have you ever worn a. Have you ever worn a wristwatch? And if you do, do they work?

C (40:12)

Yes. No.

F (40:13)

Okay. So my husband told me to mention this. I haven't worn a wristwatch in forever.

B (40:18)

Because I don't remember watch you.

F (40:20)

They don't work that well. No.

B (40:21)

Yeah.

A (40:22)

Steve, how'd you know that?

B (40:23)

Because I'm a professional.

D (40:24)

So, Stephen, you have heard of this?

A (40:28)

Yeah.

D (40:29)

What would your question be as far as this problem goes, Sarah, is there something distinct you need solved here?

F (40:37)

Ish. Yes. So my question is, am. Is there something like. I know this sounds really cheesy. Am I powder? Am I like a superhero? Am I a witch? Have you heard of this? And I would love your take. I would love your thoughts. And like, is there something cool I.

C (40:54)

Could do with this?

F (40:55)

Because it's so random and weird, but I feel like it's connected now.

A (40:58)

Well, the fact Steve nailed the wristwatch is. And I. I hope that silences a ton of critics out there because Steve took a huge swing there and I was prepared to cover for him. But the fact you said there's a wristwatch issue. What happens when you wear a wristwatch?

B (41:14)

Well, really quick, let me ask.

A (41:16)

No problems with my timing.

B (41:17)

There is something with a, you know, called the piezoelectric effect, which is like, you know, quartz can cause it. Quartz is a natural conductor. Remember, like quartz radios you could. Those little kids you could build. So I'm wondering the places where you're having this. Do you know if there is a big, like, unusual quartz deposits?

F (41:36)

Okay, well, I don't. We've lived all over. So now we're in New Orleans.

A (41:42)

We're everywhere.

F (41:42)

We were in Portland, Oregon. Portland, Maine. Oh, in Texas, Michigan. We've been everywhere.

C (41:48)

So the.

F (41:49)

It's happened here. It definitely happened a lot in New England.

C (41:53)

Where?

D (41:55)

Salem.

F (41:55)

Yeah.

B (41:56)

Yeah.

D (41:57)

Witch trials. I honestly making it. I'm just trying to hang with you guys.

B (42:01)

You were. You did a great job.

A (42:02)

You're doing great.

B (42:03)

You're doing great. It was probably rugat poisoning, but, yeah, 100%.

D (42:06)

That old wheat makes you trip.

B (42:08)

Yeah, it was. It was. I'm pretty sure it Was. Okay. So, Sarah, you want basically the. The. Your. It's not necessarily a problem. You want to know is, like, do I have these special abilities and how do I harness them? Is that what you're asking? Asking?

F (42:21)

Yeah. Because it's just kind of weird and it's fun, and I thought maybe there's something neat I could try with it.

A (42:28)

A superpower. Steve, what do you think is going on? She's affecting. It's every city, so it can't be quartz deposits, King.

B (42:37)

Yeah. No, you can't. You're right about that.

A (42:39)

Unless she's got quartz deposits with her. Yeah.

B (42:42)

Did you, like. I'm.

A (42:43)

I mean, like, what changes electrical currents in people? Steel, buddy.

B (42:47)

I don't know. This is a Slightly above my pay grade. It's a phenomenon I have heard, like, oftentimes in paranormal hotspots, people's batteries will drain, like their phone and whatnot. That. That's. That's pretty common, but I'm trying to, like. So, like, you wouldn't know if you have a superpower? Like, I kind of think you probably don't. I don't know what you can really do with it other than, like, maybe, like, have fun turning things on and off. Gareth, what do you think?

D (43:08)

I think that, first of all, turning things on and off is fun if you're not trying to.

F (43:13)

Yeah, it really is fun.

D (43:15)

When you walk, are you shocking people a lot, like, with your fingers when you go to, like, hit an elevator, is it shock? You get the shock.

F (43:24)

But I always thought that was like, my shoes, you know, like a static electricity thing. But, yes, I do shock people a lot. Yep.

A (43:30)

What does your amazing.

D (43:31)

What does your husband think of all this?

F (43:34)

He thinks it's hilarious. And. And he wanted me to mention just in case it. It applies. There's a weird thing also that happens to me, but he thinks this is more like simulation thing, where no matter what, every day, if I take a walk or a bike ride, if there's nobody on the road at all, I'll walk by a house, and all of a sudden the car in that driveway has to pull out.

A (43:56)

What?

B (43:57)

Well, that's unrelated, Right.

C (43:59)

Isn't that.

F (44:00)

Not related, but it's weird. I don't know.

A (44:02)

That's why Gareth is here, just to say stuff like that.

B (44:06)

Weird.

A (44:06)

Eric, there are people that are considered superconductors.

B (44:10)

Yeah.

A (44:11)

That have a ton of energy coming off of them. And especially if you're already an artist. You're doing the Sound of Music, you're one of the Von Trapps, you Might be one of those people that just is gifted with a little bit more energy in this life, especially hearing a microphone. Works for everybody else, but doesn't work with you. I think you may well be a superconductor, which, if not a superpower, is a pretty cool thing. Thing. And who knows when goes down and it may, you might have something that could really help you out when it does. Oh, hey, man.

B (44:39)

Powers that. We gotta find Sarah, man.

A (44:42)

Yeah, right. They're lining up at your place.

B (44:44)

Deep freeze.

D (44:45)

She's like Hulk.

B (44:47)

Yeah, exactly. Empower us, like. Well, you know, it could be that you've given too many electrifying performances.

D (44:55)

Stephen, on timeout. Sarah, please let me jump in. Steve's on timeout. Eric, I'm curious where you're at with this sort of stuff, because Steve seems to have a solid bench. What do you think?

A (45:09)

I think it gets into the realm Steve and I love of kind of science that's undiscovered or even. There is the thing with people's superconductors. I think we have energy in us. You have a real energy about you, Gareth. That's what people are going to see at Russell T. Feathers tonight on stage.

D (45:24)

Rooster.

A (45:25)

Rooster T. Feathers on stage. Everyone should go.

D (45:27)

Natalie, make sure to edit that proper.

A (45:29)

No, I'm just kidding. But yes, I think certain people in this life are gifted with more energy. And a lot of things people try to do is to try to channel or harness that energy in a certain kind of way. Like, you know, my superpowers, people will trauma dump after meeting me. After, like 30 seconds, I'll go to a gas station, someone will start telling me about somebody that just died. I wish I had something involving electricity.

D (45:54)

I was going to say, what would you rather. Would you rather what Sarah is calling about, which is much rather street lights on you or you have to be.

A (46:00)

Therapist day for people, for strangers to trauma dump. It's a. It's a wild and amazing thing. It's fine. It's fine. This. This show makes it all worthwhile. But, yeah, I think you're. I think you might be Google superconductor Sarah, because I think you may well be a superconductor and you just have energy flowing through you. There's probably ways to lessen it, but it sounds like it's all fun, right? Like, are there ways thing to have have.

D (46:25)

Are there ways to increase it?

B (46:28)

Now, now we're getting down to brass Taxi.

A (46:30)

There we go.

D (46:32)

If I were to have a pitch for you, Sarah, my pitch for you would be why not start trying to use this as a skill. Maybe we do it as a party trick, but maybe we even go a little further and you start posting videos where you're putting spoons on your head or you're holding light bulbs and we see if this. We see how much this grill can cook.

B (46:53)

So I'm gonna. I'm gonna. On top of Gareth's wonderful suggestion, I'm going to say, or to go online, order yourself a hunk of raw pure quartz, put that in your pocket. And I am just. Because, I mean, this is pure science. Quartz does cause the piezoelectric effect. I'm thinking, is it pure science? Pure science. That is like. That's, That's. That is pure. An adult.

D (47:18)

Eric, will you go sign now?

A (47:19)

Because I'm trying to go science.

B (47:21)

It's science, man.

A (47:23)

What is a person who can control electricity called? And it says electrokinesis is a real scientific phenomena. Point, Steve Berg. The psychic ability to manipulate anything electrical electronic is actually called electro psychokinesis or epk.

B (47:39)

You're an epk, dude.

A (47:41)

You're an epk. Sarah, don't let it go to your head. Don't run around, get lottery tickets, light bulbs. But you're special. You're special.

B (47:50)

I'm telling you. I'm telling you. If you get this course, you may start flying around, sister.

D (47:55)

No.

A (47:56)

And I'd love to see you. My pitch is you need to do another musical knowing you have this ability. Yeah. You show up, you do Pippin with a piece of quartz in your pocket, you're gonna be on Broadway in four to six months.

B (48:08)

You know, I would have.

A (48:09)

Wow.

B (48:09)

I always wish I would have done Oklahoma.

D (48:12)

It's interesting.

B (48:13)

I would have been great in Oklahoma.

A (48:15)

You would have been fantastic.

B (48:17)

Or Big River Ski.

A (48:18)

Either of us could have done that. Damn government. You start. You're right. You got your hand and every.

B (48:25)

My britches we got back on the boards.

D (48:27)

Now, hold on, fellas.

A (48:28)

I just.

D (48:28)

I love it. But I want to remind us that Sarah's on the call now. This is, I think, you guys together. Look, we would all love to see you guys do Big river together.

B (48:37)

Thank you. Thank you.

D (48:39)

But do we really think that we can increase her level of electricity? Because if we can, what would be awesome. Awesome would be for Sarah to just film herself testing some of these things.

A (48:51)

I love this.

D (48:52)

And then she could call back and show you all what she's doing and see if we're really working with something.

B (48:58)

And Sarah, I called dibs because I'm probably gonna hire you to be Like a carny trick. And we'll travel around in a weird little van, like Garrett does, and we'll just do exhibitions where you'll, like, electrify different things.

A (49:10)

I don't pitch the van thing. There's a court order.

D (49:13)

Sorry.

B (49:14)

It'll be 20 split. You know, I think this will be with Steve's PO.

A (49:18)

Shut up.

B (49:19)

Get. Stay out of it.

D (49:20)

You know, Eric, Steve goes to Vancouver, shoots for 10 days. Oh, la la. Now he's doing 8020 splits.

F (49:27)

Montreal.

B (49:28)

Montreal, whatever.

A (49:30)

But, I mean, for anyone that doubts the power of us, Steve just did a little show called Ghosts.

D (49:34)

Ever heard of it?

A (49:35)

And so, yeah, the. The Monolith on cbs. So anyone that's doubting the power of this show, Talking about ghosts, everything else. Stevie Berg just booked Ghosts.

B (49:42)

I'm a ghost.

A (49:43)

He's a damn ghost.

B (49:44)

What is.

A (49:47)

He just manifested a ghost.

D (49:49)

I don' even think I talked to you about what level. Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how exciting was it to play a ghost?

B (49:56)

It was great. It was great for you.

A (49:58)

Yeah.

B (49:58)

I mean, it was. It was. It was. You know, I felt like I had done it before. It was one of those things where I'm like, oh, retro causality is real. Everything's already happened. We're just experiencing time in a linear fashion. But time isn't linear. We all know that. That's silly talk. Sarah, I need you to get a hunk of quartz.

F (50:16)

Oh, I can do that. My. No, seriously, I can do that.

A (50:20)

At least 2 to 3 ounces. Jake Johnson will sell T shirts and said. Sarah, I need you. I need you to get. He keeps selling quartz on the website. Look, I don't believe in this. I'm selling iron pie right in court. He's a whole bunch of geodes for these suckers. You guys keep talking up the course. Okay?

D (50:38)

He's got a car sold a bunch.

A (50:40)

Of iron for the guy.

D (50:41)

A car's picking him up to take him to the airport. He's asking the guy to swing around some weird shanty to drop off Courts.

B (50:47)

Yeah, we gotta make one pit stop first.

D (50:49)

We got to stop over here. My guy.

B (50:51)

So, Sarah, can you. Will you please. I mean, you can build Jake Johnson for this, but.

A (50:55)

Yeah.

B (50:55)

Will you please give yourself a hug?

A (50:58)

Of course.

B (50:58)

At least two to three.

A (50:59)

Good hunk of quartz. Right?

B (51:00)

I think this, I think, accentuate the superpowers. I really do. I'm not joking. Like, I think this is going to work.

F (51:06)

I'm pretty sure my son already has quartz.

B (51:10)

Yeah.

C (51:11)

Oh, yeah.

F (51:11)

He's Big into all that.

B (51:13)

I will say if it has paint or any kind of doodad on it, that's not going to work. We need raw unstepped on a pure from stepped on. Stepped on.

D (51:22)

Well, now, hold on. If she has quartz in the house right now, if she goes and grabs, is that going to do anything for us or. No?

A (51:28)

No, you got to have intention when you work with geodes gr. Okay, tell Steve.

B (51:32)

Well, I mean, scientifically speaking, I don't think that's true. But. But like, I don't think the intention's gonna hurt. I don't think it's gonna hurt. I don't think it's gonna hurt now. I mean, can you go. Can you go grab a piece of quartz really quick or that be like.

F (51:44)

I wish that was it. Like, he doesn't live. He. He's older, so he's moved out, but he lives.

A (51:50)

This is so exciting. Finally somebody already flew away.

B (51:53)

Little baby bird wouldn't flew away.

A (51:55)

No, he did.

F (51:55)

He flew a mile away. But I can get quartz by later tonight for sure.

A (51:59)

Hold on, Sarah, right there. That's a huge tribute to you that your. Your son lives only a mile away. That means you're cool and you're somebody channeling energy and wait till we get you this quartz. My God, that tells me a lot about you.

B (52:12)

Is he coming stealing your baloney and stuff like that as like sons will do?

F (52:16)

No. Well, he started to, but now he lives with. In a house with all of his friends and his girlfriend and they're living their best life. And no, we hardly see him.

A (52:25)

Yeah, but he's still only a mile. Steve lives very close to his parents. And I realize they're missing a lot of lunch meat.

B (52:30)

Oh, boy.

F (52:31)

Oh, really?

B (52:32)

I took yesterday for yesterday.

A (52:34)

I goes first. Are you getting over there and stealing that blood baloney?

D (52:39)

They got a jelly drawer.

A (52:41)

Oh, for sure. They're hiding it before Steve gets there. Hide the prosciutto sneaks on the way.

B (52:49)

I'll park myself there for a while.

D (52:50)

He's just nodding while he's just slow chewing salami.

A (52:54)

Is there any good?

B (52:56)

Well, I'll tell you, it's about dinner time. The heartland and I am getting peckish.

D (52:59)

All right, Steven, stay focused. Okay, well, why don't we do this if I may. May Sarah get some courts and maybe you do like a prelim of like testing a few things. Maybe you guys have more specifics here because this. I'm out of my element. But you do a few things where we register if anything happens and then you hold the courts for a minute we come back and we run the same gambit of test and see if your electricity has increased in any yes.

B (53:28)

That'S a great great okay.

A (53:29)

And you got an empty net. I want to see you book another musical.

B (53:33)

Yeah.

A (53:34)

I want to see you take that courts in. I want to see a return to live theater for you. I truly do get back Wouldn't you love it Sarah? Wouldn't you love.

F (53:44)

Would be fun.

C (53:44)

It would be fun.

A (53:45)

It's New Orleans. You got a great theater scene there.

B (53:48)

No time is a good time for goodbye. What a Sorry. I love that. Great song.

D (53:57)

Beautiful voice. I support my friends when they sing.

B (54:01)

Do you have any watch the appet.

D (54:02)

How episodes please buddy.

A (54:05)

There's a buzz.

D (54:06)

Don't do me any favors pal, all right? I'm living off the fat of that land. Will you Berg or Eric are there any specific things she can do that we could like Are there a couple of things she could do? Could she Go ahead.

B (54:22)

I, I know right away. So it's going to involve a light bulb and a quick run to a hardware store. So you're going to go to your, your local hardware store. Don't go to Home Depot. Depot this off Go to a local hardware store. Make friends with them first. Go to the light bulb section. If you can find one of those long tube light bulbs. You know the ones that are like kind of like three like an Edison bulb I think I'm not sure if I really don't know the name. I should know the name. I'm embarrassed but I think yeah, one of those ones are like three feet long.

D (54:51)

Oh, one of those like factory ones.

B (54:53)

Yeah, exactly. And I want you to put but before you grab it and take it out of box the bucks get that hunk of quartz in that pocket and then grab that thing and there are people who I, I, I now believe this. I've always thought it was fake but I've seen people like online hold those things and charge them and turn them on.

D (55:15)

She holds it and it kind of lightsabers in her hand.

B (55:17)

It will light up. Some people have an ability to have these. I have a picture of a guy who did it in outside of Nebraska City.

A (55:24)

What? How do you have that picture?

D (55:26)

It's crazy, crazy thing to say Eric. And I'm, I'm glad you're on board.

C (55:30)

Later.

A (55:30)

I have it on my hard drive.

B (55:31)

I swear to God.

D (55:32)

Hard drive Steve.

A (55:34)

It's terrifying.

D (55:35)

Is Steve, is Steve a data center?

B (55:38)

Well.

A (55:40)

He does drink a ton of water an inordinate unfair amount of water.

B (55:45)

I do. I do.

A (55:46)

Are you getting stealing lunch meat from his parents, sir? I'm sorry you had to hear all this, Gareth.

B (55:51)

My dad took me to the doctor because he thought I had diabetes with a little kid because I drink so much water. True.

D (55:55)

Well, it turns out it was just cured meats were dehydrating.

A (55:58)

You.

B (55:58)

My dad also. My also. My dad also claimed like 10 years ago to not know had a list.

D (56:03)

That is one of the funniest stories of all time.

B (56:07)

I don't know you're talking about.

D (56:08)

He's like. You say your ass is like a regular boy. I think that I would be very curious. So I don't know, what do you think? Do you think that maybe we just get. She goes to the hardware store. You don't have to make friends with the people at the hardware store, Sarah. I mean it's very nice, but they'll also. They'll. They'll serve you either way.

A (56:28)

That's Steve's Lane.

D (56:29)

That's Steve's Lane. You know, you gotta yuck it up too hard.

A (56:31)

What is your mom and pop hardware store in Omaha, Steve?

B (56:33)

Oh, it is, it's. Well, it's. There was Joe's. Joe's is old, but Joe's just close. And now I go to a locally owned Ace Hardware. Ah, I know. It's just convenient. I'm sorry. It's not.

A (56:45)

It's not kind of a bummer, Steve.

B (56:46)

Yeah. I'm not feeling great about it and I feel a little bit exposed and shame on you for putting me in this position.

A (56:52)

I didn't think. I thought you were gonna be great guy. I. I know him by name and they love me there.

B (56:57)

Well, they do love me there. I know him by name all right.

A (56:59)

Yeah, he's just better than Home. Home Depot. Yeah, they're not going to listen to.

B (57:02)

Much evil shit is the place for the helpful hardware.

D (57:05)

Well, we don't need to promote them on that level, but.

B (57:08)

Okay.

D (57:09)

So is that a good thing? Maybe we have Sarah go to the hardware store. She's got the quartz. She holds the bulb. I think we should have her film it just to see either way.

A (57:19)

Yeah, perhaps we're singing a show tune.

D (57:22)

Start we should do. I love that.

A (57:24)

Right? You got this, friend. You got this. Got this. Yeah.

D (57:27)

Why don't. Why don't you, you know be funny is if you guys like she brings in the video. You don't tell them anything, Sarah. Let the guys react and guess if whether or not they think your energy is going to turn the bulb on or not.

B (57:41)

Yep, yep, yep. Exactly. I love this.

D (57:44)

Maybe you could do it.

A (57:45)

Maybe.

D (57:46)

Maybe if one of you takes pro, one of you takes con, and then loser buys the other one a meal. Where Eric Ace Hardware. Is the staff up?

A (57:54)

Oh, for sure. And I will take Steve to the rack. Apps, dessert, fun mocktails. Oh, I'm sorry. There aren't free refills in the Shirley Temple. Keep them coming, babe. This big galoot's paying.

B (58:06)

If you see it halfway empty, that means bring another.

A (58:10)

Let's go. All right, Sarah, you got homework.

F (58:13)

Okay? I wrote it all down. I'm gonna do it.

A (58:15)

Oh, we love it. We love it. And then I don't want to say I'm gonna get crazy, but you just let us know when you do that musical in New Orleans when it opens, because I've actually, believe it or not, never been in New Orleans. I'd like. Yeah. John Goodman's place is for sale, and it's staged, so I'd love to go, you know, look at it and see if I can send some of his energy there.

B (58:32)

This is.

F (58:33)

This is the time of year to come. The weather's just turned, and it's really nice and cool and beautiful.

A (58:38)

Oh, I love it. And my friend is there. The great Steve Gleason, former New York Saint, New Orleans Saints legend, great man statue. So, yeah, I've been meaning to come to Orleans. So I will come and watch you do Pippin. You if on.

B (58:50)

Yeah, Eric will.

D (58:52)

You got a lot of work to do.

A (58:55)

So much.

F (58:57)

Sorry, no idea. Would be this great experience.

B (59:00)

A lot of assignments. Go, go lean into the superpower. Get that hunk. Of course, like tonight.

A (59:06)

Own that. You're a start walking with that. You know, you can't afford to.

B (59:11)

Oh, my God.

C (59:11)

I totally will.

B (59:12)

All right, we're.

A (59:14)

You're stuck.

B (59:15)

Keep in touch, Sarah, and listen.

F (59:18)

All right, thanks so much.

B (59:19)

Bye.

D (59:19)

Sir.

B (59:24)

Give us your name and where you are calling from.

C (59:28)

All right, so today we're going to go with the name, but you can call me Greg. And I'm calling from the north.

B (59:35)

Greg, so go ahead.

A (59:37)

What was the first name you rolled out there?

B (59:39)

Yeah. Did you say Jack?

E (59:45)

I love it.

B (59:46)

But we'll call you Greg. Okay, you can. You can call.

A (59:48)

Sorry, my partner called you Jack off.

B (59:50)

I thought that's what he said. I thought he was.

A (59:52)

I did, too. Full disclosure, I did, too. I want to honor his name and his culture. Jago, AKA I don't hear. Well, I don't hear whatever you want to call it. No, there's a lot of in those ears.

B (60:01)

And where are you calling from?

C (60:03)

So it makes sense, you know, with Jag Off, Right. Because this is a northern suburbs of Chicago.

B (60:09)

Oh, yeah.

A (60:10)

Love it, love it, love it. That's weird territory. There's a van driving around full of love and goodness.

B (60:16)

We love Chicago on this show, let me tell you. So, Greg, what is your favorite rock and roll album of all time?

C (60:28)

Oh, my God.

B (60:31)

Don't think about it. Just, I think Revolver.

A (60:33)

Oh, that's great.

B (60:35)

Revolver by the. A little band I like to call the Beatles.

C (60:40)

I know it's a bit of a sellout move, but.

A (60:42)

Yeah.

B (60:42)

No. Are you kidding?

A (60:43)

Not at all. And my sister and I weaponized Revolver because my parents are huge Beetle fans, and my sister and I love to sleep in. And when my parents would, like, wake us up and make us get up early, we would play I'm Only Sleeping at my parents. Using a taste of their own medicine. Revolver's punk, Steve.

B (60:59)

Yeah. I love Revolver. I'm a Beatles guy.

A (61:01)

Greg, I love you. I just want to say that I feel your energy. I love you. What's going on?

C (61:06)

Okay, so I'm gonna. I'm gonna do my best to be brief here because it's a bit of a. It's a bit of a tale, and we can go into any parts you need to after we hit the highlights. All right.

B (61:16)

Okay. Love it.

C (61:17)

So a few months ago, I got a ticket in the mail. It was for a vehicle that I do not own, though. So I called the customer. So it was like one of those red light violations. They snapped a picture and there was this. There's this.

B (61:30)

Yeah.

C (61:30)

And there's this big ass van, and I own a Prius. Like, this is not. This is not my car.

B (61:35)

Yeah.

C (61:36)

So I called the customer helpline, and they're like, no, no, no. This is you because of your name and the address. So they're like, your address. We sent it to the right place. Right.

A (61:48)

Name.

C (61:48)

I'm like, this is crazy to me. So I call my friend who's a cop. He does a little bit of digging on his side, and he tells me that it's likely registered to a person with the same name as me but a different guy.

B (62:00)

This is.

C (62:01)

This is crazy unlikely.

A (62:03)

Chicago.

C (62:05)

Well, only in Chicago, right? Like, third largest Polish population in the world. But, like, my. My name is not that common like those two together in Poland, let alone here.

A (62:14)

Right?

C (62:14)

So this is crazy to me.

B (62:16)

Whoa.

C (62:17)

So I called the Secretary of State. A lot of. A lot of back and forth with Them. Eventually I get a letter. It took forever, but they agreed with me that this is not my vehicle. But they're like, no, it's registered to someone with a very similar name. So now I have an in person hearing because I have to, to like, go prove that I don't own this thing. So it's, you know, the ticketing authority still doesn't believe me and the state can't directly determine liability. It's been a hell of a time proving I don't own something, and especially because the owner and I share a very uncommon name. I'm literally a Kafka novel.

B (62:53)

And yeah, you are very surreal.

C (62:56)

Like, this is. It's not a question of if, but when. This guy breaks another traffic law and I'm on the hook, right? So all that to say, here's my question. How do I convince the state that they have the wrong going forward? How do I have him clear things up on his end? Or how do I convince myself that this is just part of life? I guess, asked another way. How do I avoid this endless loop, Avoid the endless loop of, like, bureaucratic nightmares when my name doppelganger runs a red light?

A (63:27)

Well, how do we. How do we make sure you haven't had some kind of weird psychic split? This is that there's another part of you that's driving a van or a around now, let me ask you this.

B (63:36)

Very well, the good.

A (63:38)

I've got those red light tickets and I've gotten a few. And it's always real fun to see a picture of yourself. Like, I had Wilco Chicago man turned up and I got my last one. And I can see myself just loving it. And I look kind of cool in the picture. I will say. Can you see the guy in the. In the red light camera picture?

C (63:55)

No. So it's. It's the ass of the van. But I do have the. It's a work van. So I have where he works on there and like his website.

A (64:05)

Yeah. Friend. Oh, you got step one. I'm sorry, we gotta go visit him. We have to unite the clans. All right, you gotta go visit this guy. He's not gonna be thrilled to hear you got a ticket.

C (64:19)

Work.

B (64:20)

Yeah, I mean, like, look.

A (64:22)

Yeah. And you're gonna show up in the we're here to help van. It's in Chicago. You show up in the van with some backup. Up with Jake Johnson's brother, who's an attorney. Just as a friend, though. He's got a great energy. He loves the Doobie Brothers. But like, I think you should try, you should try to meet him. Right? And like maybe, maybe this is all cosmic forces of like you're meant to meet this guy. He's got your same name. I'm so confused how it got to your address, but like very confused about that as well. It's gonna keep happening, I think, think and this is a scoff law. He's breaking laws. The shadow you is breaking laws. You need to one meet him to make sure it's not a psychic transference and that you aren't living a double life. Like you don't go to bed and then get in your van and break a bunch of traffic laws and have another family, first of all. Isn't that right, Steve?

B (65:16)

Okay. Yeah. I mean I, I wouldn't love the idea that there could be someone out there like doing a bunch of like, you know, law breaking things and I could be pinned for it. I do think it would be something that I would absolutely. Because just the way I am, I wouldn't like, like, like you Greg. I would absolutely want to do something to attempt to solve this. I think first off. So you have his place of work, right?

C (65:42)

Well, so it's, it's like a larger company that's based out of Wisconsin. I don't know how many shops they have or anything like that, but like it's, it's for like some sort of like heating and like aircon maintenance.

A (65:55)

So.

C (65:57)

Yeah, but you.

B (65:58)

But I think with a little bit of detective work, it would not be hard to locate this person. Like, I mean right off the bat, the first thing I would do, I would call the headquarters of this business and say hey, I'm looking to speak with Blank myself basically. Yeah. And then I would get this guy's contact and then start thinking about taking the next, next steps. But like just getting the content information and like you could show up there. But obviously we don't know where exactly he is. Like he's. There's not one central hub in northern Chicago. Right. So I think that kind of. Unless you want like.

A (66:30)

And he's in Wisconsin.

B (66:31)

Yeah, potentially in Wisconsin.

A (66:33)

When is your hearing.

B (66:36)

Hearings?

C (66:36)

In a couple of weeks. I'm not super worried about that because I have the, the thing saying that I don't actually own this vehicle. It's not registered to me. Like this is going to keep happening.

A (66:46)

Right. Making you go to this. I tell what happened during Mayor Daly. Mayor Daly wouldn't allow this.

C (66:53)

A daily junior.

A (66:55)

Oh, is it, is he the mayor?

C (66:59)

Well, no, there were two dailies. There was the older Daily, the younger Daily. And now we have Brandon Johnson.

A (67:03)

Yeah, I like Brandon Johnson.

B (67:04)

And there's also Time Daily from K and Lacy. Great.

A (67:09)

Steve has a giant crush on by the way.

B (67:11)

Yes, she's a.

A (67:12)

He's a huge Ty Daily thing. True.

B (67:14)

Guilty. Guilty.

A (67:15)

Oh yeah. If she had an only fan, Steve would give her everything he's got.

B (67:18)

Well, now you're divulging all my secrets.

A (67:20)

But Steve likes Lady. I think it's awesome. I think it's a wonderful quality that he has. Huge Cagney Glacier.

B (67:26)

This isn't about me right now, so.

A (67:27)

No. Well, I'm so curious one about this hearing. Like, what do you do to show up and say, I'm not me, I'm not this guy? Like, are you going to bring in the stuff you think? I don't know, man. Here we said he has to go into a hearing to say it's not his red light.

B (67:41)

Yeah, but the Secretary of def. Not Defense.

A (67:45)

Secretary of War. Steve. Secretary of War.

B (67:48)

The Secretary of the State, like, said, like, oh, yeah, you're good. There was a clerical error, so.

A (67:52)

But he still has to go in.

B (67:54)

But he's going to go in and they're going to see it was a clerical error.

A (67:59)

La. You just would have had to pay this ticket.

B (68:01)

You wouldn't even have to show up.

A (68:03)

No, you would have paid the ticket. You would have talked to someone that said there's nothing you can do. This is Jacof. You're fucked. Yes, sorry. And if you don't pay it, there's going to be a huge crippling fine soon. And I would have had to pay the ticket.

B (68:14)

You'll be getting on a bus and goes to Chino for six to 10 years.

A (68:17)

Yeah, yeah, that's my mantra. Forget it. It's Chinatown.

B (68:20)

But, but Greg, I think what you have to do is you have got to get this, this person's content information and I think you have to write him a letter or call them. Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to this. And this isn't being confrontational. This is just being like, in me. Like, hey, like, I don't want to like, take the heat for your wrongdoings or your right doings. I don't want to take credit for something wonderful that you've done. You know, like, it's.

C (68:46)

Well, and here's.

A (68:49)

That's a great. Is. Is that's why they're trying to bring back trade school Steve. Electrician make 300 grand a year. This guy's probably rolling around in filled gold yeah, well, it's.

C (69:00)

It's funny you mentioned because I think so. I've. I've received. Also, I thought these were just like, scam things in the mail trying to get me to scan a QR code because I'm paranoid, but should be. It was for a Mercedes Benz sports car, and they had defective airbags. And so, like, oh, my God. And the last time I called about the. To the ticketing authority, they were like, hey, do you have a Mercedes Benz as well? I was like, oh, my God, no. But now I think, like, it's a matter of life and death. I gotta get in touch with this guy. You got to get his airbags in his other car.

A (69:29)

Oh, no, no, no. This is what you lead with, actually.

B (69:32)

Yeah.

A (69:33)

This is now because. Secondary, if I may. There's not many things I'm a weird skull about, but I want everyone out there to look at the recalls on your car, not to bring the whole thing down. I had a friend that had a horrible, tragic accident because his car was recalled. He didn't know it, and when he put it in park, the thing was actually neutral and it rolled down and. And hit him.

B (69:55)

I'm.

A (69:55)

It's.

C (69:56)

Oh, my God.

A (69:57)

So everybody please check the recalls on your cars, because there's sometimes some really crucial stuff they're not telling you about. But if he has defective airbags in his back Benz and is the owner of a 1995 E320 Cabriolet, that stuff's very important, especially with Mercedes. Germans are great at a lot. Sometimes they leave electrical problems, and they're not great at world wars. So it is very important you need to now lead with the defective Mercedes Benz stuff. So we know he's rolling around in a Benz. My Benz cost six grand. So that doesn't necessarily mean he has a ton of money, but if he's working in H Vac. Electric, Electrical, he's probably clearing a good charm.

B (70:34)

Fair enough.

A (70:35)

So I think you lead with that. And then the ticket also is also a funny thing. But I'm guessing you two are meant to meet up and be friends in this lifetime, right? With the same name, probably. Same background. If nothing else, you're going to get a discount on H Vac work.

C (70:51)

That's true.

B (70:53)

Yeah. You got to get in touch with this guy. And that's. That's just going to be. You may have to do a little.

A (70:58)

I'm now worried about these airbags, Steve. Yeah, I'm a worrier. Okay. I'm in a empath.

B (71:03)

And using the airbags as like, hey, man, just a concerned citizen. Like, I want you to know your airbags are. They are been rendered useless. So you can do that and they could be once you have his attention. Oh, my God. Wow. Crazy. Thank you so much for letting me up.

A (71:18)

Also, also Captain Leg.

B (71:22)

Yeah, it seems like you're busting some red lights there, big cat. So, you know, then you can kind of hit him with your, your real concern and how you go about fixing that for future things.

A (71:35)

Well, Christ, he's running red lights with bad airbags. You're about to save a goddamn life and probably his family too. This is now. Now. I'm gonna have trouble sleeping tonight, Steve.

B (71:46)

Yeah. You won't sleep.

A (71:47)

I will.

C (71:47)

Sorry.

A (71:48)

No. I love you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I can detach. I meditate.

B (71:53)

No, yeah.

A (71:54)

Please, please, please. It's all just skin.

C (71:57)

Yeah, I mean, I think that, that, that has to be the play here.

B (71:59)

Right?

C (72:00)

Because it's like, especially because I thought, like, I thought the airbag stuff was a scam, but like, the more I think about it. Yeah, you're right. Like, that's a little scary for everybody.

B (72:10)

Yeah, it is. And also I, my gut feeling is that this is not going to happen again because if this is something that was going to happen, I mean, like this would. I mean, like, look, there's not that many Steve Bergs in like a. But I bet in Chicago, I bet there's 48 Steve Burst and this would have happen all the time. So I really think you just had like a bad stretch of luck and this was a weird little coincidence. I don't think it will happen again. But I do think you should contact this person and let them know about the airbags because that is a good karma move right there.

C (72:45)

Yeah.

A (72:46)

And show up in the we're here to help van. Just that you're in the Chicagoland area. It's there for you.

B (72:51)

Yeah. And that's what the van should be about. It should be about solving cases like this. It's like the Mystery Machine.

C (72:57)

It's like the Mystery Machine.

A (72:58)

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And Dan Johnson is only a phone call away as well. If we, if we have to take this legal, it's happening. Yeah, but we really want to hear about your court hearing because this is uncharted ground.

C (73:08)

Does he want to represent me at my hearing?

A (73:10)

I think you would. I think.

B (73:12)

Look, we, we can, we can, we can make some requests. You know, I mean, I, I don't have Dan on Speed Dale right now, but we'll talk.

A (73:17)

Oh, I do.

B (73:18)

We'll talk to Big Jake. We'll talk to Big. The Big J man about it. But I think this is great. And honestly, like, what a unique call. Amazing. Will you please do us a favor and follow up with us about the court hearing and stuff like that? And if you make contact with him, there's a lot we want to know, so please.

C (73:37)

No, I definitely plan on following up, you know, and I'm going to really try and get in touch with them again because those airbags are terrifying, dude.

A (73:43)

So, yeah, please, please do that. And I do think there's a 10 to 15% chance this is actually a shadow side of you that's split. You're living a double life with another family, driving a van, fixing H Vacs. If that's true, we want to get you the mental help you need. So either way, please keep us in the loop. We love you.

C (74:00)

Okay, thank you so much. Have a great night, all.

A (74:02)

Great to meet you, buddy. We love Chicago.

B (74:05)

Great to meet you, Chicago. Tavern Pizza for me.

C (74:08)

Absolutely.

B (74:10)

Best pizza in the world. All right, Greg, Take care, man.

A (74:14)

You're a tavern guy.

B (74:15)

Over Deep dish in a second.

A (74:16)

Oh, I love Deep dish.

E (74:22)

To Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our patreon@patreon.com hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

B (74:40)

We're Here to Help is produced by.

D (74:41)

Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis.

B (74:44)

Jeff Porter, and Natalie Holland.

A (74:46)

Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

D (74:48)

Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

A (75:12)

That was a Headgum podcast.

B (75:21)

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.

D (75:31)

Hi, I'm Drew Offalo.

A (75:33)

And I'm Daen Affalo. And we host the Headgum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode we're discussing plenty of topics.

F (75:40)

That you would be giggling at at.

A (75:41)

A sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things like weir dating, horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgie you had once, or.

D (75:49)

Even a show you're loving and anything in between.

A (75:53)

So you can listen to two idiot girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.