Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help" – Episode 259: Crochet Court & Very Noise Very Loud

Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Release Date: February 9, 2026

Episode Overview

In this fun, chaotic, and advice-packed episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle their usual array of delightfully ridiculous and endearingly odd listener dilemmas. The show's spirit is classic: the hosts don’t claim expertise, but approach each "case" with genuine curiosity, humor, and support—like your "tipsy uncle at a family gathering."
This week, listeners are treated to a double-feature:

• Sarah’s awkward crochet commitment—which the guys escalate into a mock legal battle ("Crochet Court")
• Murphy’s quest to reclaim her apartment’s living room from a stubborn couch-sleeping roommate, with noise and creative sabotage as solutions Plus, there’s a quick tattoo follow-up featuring an unfortunate "dog-dick" tattoo and a collaborative approach with listener artists.

The episode brims with personal anecdotes, playful teasing, and over-the-top advice, all delivered in the friendly and slightly self-deprecating banter fans love.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Opening Bits & Banter

• Vasectomy Filming Plea (00:00–01:31):
  • A comedic plea to vasectomy doctors to let Gareth get his vasectomy filmed for content.
  • "Nobody wants a bunch of little Gareths running around when Gareth himself doesn’t want that." – Jake [00:24]
• Valentine’s Day & Christmas Cards Rant (02:00–04:55):
  • Both hosts openly mock the forced sentiment of Valentine’s Day.
  • Disdain for family Christmas cards in the modern era—especially the elaborate "newsletter" backings.

“Christmas cards are from the era of no social media ... now we’re constantly sharing your family, your life ... this is not worth a tree.” – Jake [02:55]

• Chimpanzee Adoption Bit (05:15–05:55):
  • Jake and Gareth riff about adopting chimpanzees—a running gag involving "Wheel of Fortune" and various celebrity cameos.
• Stories About Fist Fights & Getting Older (06:15–09:52):
  • Memories of bar fights in Alaska, being sucker punched ("noodle legs"), and how age changes your approach to fighting and embarrassment.
  • “There’s an age where somebody gets hit and the rest of the men go like, let’s stop pretending to be tough guys.” – Jake [06:59]

Advice Segment 1: Crochet Court

Caller: Sarah from Ottawa, Ontario
(15:36–44:22)

Situation:

• Sarah promised her best friend an extra-large, weighted, crocheted elephant. She quickly realized the project is much bigger (and more expensive) than anticipated (approx. $300 in costs, 5–6 hours of work so far).
• She wants advice: How does she ask her friend to contribute, or should she back out altogether?

Key Moments:

• Jake and Gareth delight in the Canadian politeness of Sarah’s plight and her accent.
• Discussion about the cost, effort, and etiquette of handmade gifts gone too far.

“This feels like such a Canadian problem—‘I overpromised a crochet.'” – Gareth [19:32]

Proposed Solution:

• The hosts devise "Crochet Court":
  • Sarah’s friend is invited for a mock trial-style negotiation, mediated on-air by the Hon. Judge Steve Berg.
  • Roleplay: Jake and Gareth become opposing counsels.
  • They script out a lighthearted, slightly awkward text with Sarah inviting her friend to participate.
  • In a rapid-fire three-minute call, the friend reveals she did offer to pay for materials, but assumed the cost would be $100 or less.
  • Both sides agree off-air to limit the elephant’s size/cost and reconvene for the full “trial” in a future episode.

Notable Quotes:

• “Should we do something totally different and confront her on air and just have it out and see what happens?” – Jake [24:20]
• “I could see their argument here ... I’ve got to believe it, I’m not a real lawyer.” – Jake [30:36]
• “You’ve got to kind of reset him and that’s the way to do it—you’re a puzzle person now.” – Gareth [70:37]

Resolution:

• Plan for a live “Crochet Court” to settle the matter with laughter, audience input, and no hard feelings.
• Sarah is counseled to either scale down the project or split costs, aiming for fairness and preserved friendship.
• Ongoing: listeners are promised an update.

Advice Segment 2: Couch Martyrdom – Reclaim Your Living Room

Caller: Murphy from Queens, NY
(48:53–70:53)

Situation:

• Murphy’s roommate (“Marty”) insists on sleeping on the communal couch 3–6 nights a week, despite having the largest bedroom with a balcony and ensuite. The living room is in constant use, the couch is partially broken, and access for others is awkward.

Key Moments & Solutions:

• The hosts analyze Murphy’s hand-drawn apartment layout for tactical insights.
• Marty’s couch sleeping is deemed a tyrannical breach of roommate etiquette, especially since it disrupts Murphy’s ability to use the space without awkwardness or confrontation.

Advice/Pitches:

• Direct Confrontation: Already tried, didn’t work.
• “Smoke Him Out”: Make the living room inhospitable by being loudly active:
  • Take up noisy, well-lit hobbies late at night (e.g., puzzles).
  • Watch TV (feigning a “broken” personal set) and cook meals at odd hours.
  • “If you just make his life super loud and uncomfortable, he’ll go to his room. This is not a room for sleeping.” – Jake [61:15, paraphrased]
• Amp Up the Sabotage (mostly jokes):
  • Ideas range from petty (covering couch with popcorn, fake pee, leaving “used condoms”) to theatrical.
  • Ultimately, practical advice is favored.
• Recruit Allies: Team up with 3rd roommate Nicole to create a united front.

Resolution:

• Murphy commits to the “puzzle blockade” method and promises a photo update.

“You do this for a month, it will work ... if you don’t do it, it won’t work.” – Jake [70:00]

Advice Segment 3: Tattoo Cover-Up Follow-Up

Caller: Katie from Phoenix
(71:16–82:46)

Situation:

• Returning caller Katie’s dog tattoo looks uncannily phallic, especially when partially covered by her work shirt. She’s a nurse, so this is a recurring social blunder.

Key Moments:

• Listener Brittany, a Kansas tattoo artist, joins to discuss possible fixes.
  • “I call it the dick jelly ... my sponsor always said: make sure when you’re designing something, you don’t see any dicks or vaginas.” – Brittany [76:23]
• Options include:
  • Not a total cover up—creative shading or colored ink to reframe the dog’s shape.
  • Audience is promised a poll to help pick the new design.

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Vasectomy Filming Plea: 00:00–01:31
• Card & Fall Banter: 02:00–14:09
• Start of Crochet Court / Sarah's Call: 15:36–44:22
  • Sarah’s Dilemma: 15:36–24:10
  • Texting the friend & live call: 24:10–44:20
• Murphy’s Roommate Problem: 48:53–70:53
• Tattoo Cover-Up Follow Up: 71:16–82:46

Memorable Quotes

• On Roommate Space:
  • “The reason you have roommates in a room is you can go in your room and close the door and nobody can go in. In a shared space is a shared space.” – Jake [57:22]
• On Escalating Crochet Commitment:
  • “This is a great question. Okay, so we do have a picture of how far she got. ... Did you volunteer it? Because you did volunteer it, so it’s a little bit tricky.” – Jake [18:18]
• On the Host Dynamic:
  • “We're both shitty ... when we're gray hairs, and just full on gray hair, and we're still the same guys.” – Jake, on aging and friendship [10:18]

Overall Tone & Vibe

The hosts keep things relentlessly light-hearted, deeply empathetic, unselfconsciously silly, and always weirdly practical. Whether they’re riffing on listener emails or mining personal stories of embarrassment, the focus is always on finding a laugh—and sometimes, a real solution.
The meta “courtroom” improvisation is a highlight, showing the duo at their most playful, supportive, and creative.

For Newcomers:
This episode is a stellar taste of the show’s absurdity, warmth, and odd-ball support. Even listeners who don’t know the show will be able to follow, laugh, and maybe take away a useful tip—or at least, a sense that everyone’s weird dilemmas are valid.

Next Steps & Audience Involvement

• Crochet Court will be continued in a future episode, with Jake and Gareth roleplaying as legal counsel for each friend.
• Listeners are invited to share their opinion (and vote) on Katie’s new tattoo design once Brittany sends in the options.

To Submit Your Own Dilemma:
Email helpfulpod@gmail.com

Support & Bonus Content:
Full video episodes on Patreon: patreon.com/heretohelppod

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