268: Perfect For Each Other & Losers Helping Losers

Summary

Podcast Summary: We’re Here to Help – Episode 268: "Perfect For Each Other & Losers Helping Losers"

Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Date: March 9, 2026
Episode Highlights: Unfiltered, comedic, and surprisingly earnest attempts to help callers with everyday (and not-so-everyday) problems; extended riffs about bathroom etiquette, embarrassing moments, and sticking up for yourself in the workplace.

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Episode Overview

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds return for another episode of their “we’re barely qualified, but we try our best” advice podcast. Episode 268 features relatable and hilarious real-life dilemmas: the main ones being an accidentally indecent moment involving an HVAC repairman, a slow-motion gift card standoff at a tax office, and a follow-up to a workplace monitor-swap caper. If you’re familiar with their mix of dumb bits and sincere advice, you’ll find this episode in peak form, from wild personal stories to group interventions and new definitions of "help."

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Key Discussion Points & Timestamps

1. “Naked Yoga in a Hotel Room” Riff (01:42-08:53)

• Gareth recounts doing naked yoga in a hotel room to save underwear—culminating in a hotel staff member walking in on him.
• Jake and guest Natalie roast Gareth mercilessly for his Depression-era underpants conservation.
• Notable Quote:
  • Jake (07:46): “This is a great intro. It's a regular problem that a lot of people have and you guys gave some great pitches and I'm going to wear underwear from now on. Nobody has this problem.”
  • Natalie (07:56): “Nobody.”
• The hosts agree this is not a "relatable" problem (despite Gareth's protest) and suggest that perhaps a show sponsor should send more underwear.

2. Caller Jacob: “Bathroom Door Wide Open” Fiasco (12:27-46:23)

Embarrassing Emergency Meets a Homegrown Policy (12:27-23:28)

• Jacob calls from Kansas, recounting how an HVAC repairman unexpectedly walked in on him while he was reading Fahrenheit 182 “mid-business,” pants down, with the bathroom door open.
• Amber (Jacob's fiancée) joins to explain they both habitually use the bathroom with the door open—“so the smell airs out” and “the dogs like to join.”
• Hosts’ Reaction: Utter disbelief; extended roast of their home “open door” policy.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Jake (15:23): “There's a problem you don't even see that needs to be fixed. Your furnace is the least of your issues.”
  • Amber (22:58): When asked why keep the door open – “So when I go in there, it's not still lingering. It's got to air out.”
  • Gareth (25:54): “It's not a rumpus room. Just close the door!”

The Family That Leaves Doors Open Together… (23:28-36:38)

• The open-door habit is revealed to be a family tradition—Amber has “10 sisters” and “13 siblings.”
• Jake and Gareth are gobsmacked.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Jake (36:57): “This is like an episode of Hoarders. And we just found the attic.”
  • Gareth (38:54): “Crab smells are going through the house like a pie in a Looney Tunes cartoon.”

Official Advice & The Open-Door Intervention (27:28-46:23)

• The hosts arrange a “show contract”: Both Jacob and Amber must vow to use the bathroom with the door closed and to air out smells via window, not the house.
• Propose “accountability” via voice notes (and jokes about photographic evidence).
• Discuss how this new policy will keep Amber’s visiting sister and guests safe, “saving” the family.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Jake (31:21): “If you ever are in the bathroom and the door is open, I want you to make a voice note and go, 'I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I’m keeping the door open because I’m a lunatic.'”
  • Gareth (32:55): “Just so it doesn’t feel like you’re still having a cocktail with dinner?”
• Resolution:
  • Both parties swear to close bathroom doors going forward; proper apology to the HVAC guy recommended (with a note and bottle of whiskey).

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3. Caroline’s Delayed Gift Card Dilemma (49:35-60:13)

The Great Accountability Struggle at Work (49:46-58:06)

• Caroline, a tax accountant, explains that after winning a morale-boosting challenge at her firm, she's waited almost a year for the promised gift card—her boss keeps saying “I forgot” or “I’m too busy.”
• The hosts brainstorm creative, passive-aggressive, and subtle ways to remind the boss, including:
  • Pretending to receive an unknown gift card in the mail and asking if it’s from the contest (53:06):
    • Jake: “Strangest thing, I got an email with a gift card link. Is that the one I won here about 10 months ago?”
  • Planting “gift card” clues around the office.
  • Using tax jargon about needing the gift card amount to report on taxes.

“Losers Helping Losers” Law Firm Bit (60:21-61:17)

• Extended riff on their advice business:
  • Gareth: “Our law firm tag is ‘helping losers lose less.’” (60:51)

Resolution:

• Caroline agrees to “strangest thing” pitch, to report back on results.

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4. Workplace Monitor Swap Follow-up (61:36-73:35)

Kyle had previously sought advice on how to procure a better work monitor. Original suggestions included sabotage and pranks.

• Kyle’s Solution: Created a TikTok where he swapped monitors with a co-worker as a “game” and nobody noticed.
• Result: The company updated everyone’s monitors soon after, but his was upgraded first.
• Funny Moment:
  • Jake: “Take the TikTok down. Delete it. Burn it. It never happened.”
• Rating Segment: Kyle gives their advice a 4.5/5, hosts debate the deduction for timing.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Gareth (07:25): “1930s Gareth lives like it’s depression era. And I’ll be honest, you’re not wrong.”
• Jake (23:02): “You kids get out of the bathroom.”
• Amber (35:22): “I will close the bathroom door, ignore the dogs, and open the shower window.”
• Gareth (60:51): “Helping losers lose less.”
• Jake (31:21): “If you ever … make a voice note and go, 'I made a mistake. I’m sorry. ... I’m insane.'"
• Caroline (58:07): “I’m gonna have to see her on Monday and say: ‘Strangest thing, I got an email with a gift card link. Is that the one I won here about 10 months ago?’”
• Kyle (66:09): “Hi, everyone. My name is Kyle, and today I’m going to be participating in the We’re Here To Help challenge. I am going to be swapping my co-worker’s monitor for my own.”

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Episode Takeaways

• Major Themes:
  • The power of simple etiquette (and the horrifying consequences when it's ignored)
  • Embracing embarrassment and laughing through mortifying moments
  • Creative confrontation in the workplace and the satisfaction of small victories
  • The comfort of mutual weirdness in relationships
• Show’s Signature Tone: Unfiltered honesty, self-deprecating humor, and genuine attempts to address both trivial and significant problems.
• Memorable Dynamic: Jake and Gareth’s relentless roasting, confessionals, and the sense that “losers helping losers” isn’t just a slogan—it’s a mission statement.

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Useful for New Listeners:

• This episode captures the heart of the show: wild storytelling, affectionate roasting, and actually actionable (if occasionally offbeat) advice.
• Whether you’re looking for how NOT to conduct yourself in a hotel room, tips for awkward apologies, or clever strategies on holding your boss accountable, you’ll leave entertained—and maybe even helped.

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Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgun podcast. This episode is sponsored by the great Squarespace.

[B]

We love Squarespace here at the show. We are constantly using Squarespace to build different websites for the show that support the show, that support or corroborate some of the show's bs. Again, we've never promised. We're very good at giving advice, but Squarespace helps corroborate what we're going for.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

So go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.

[B]

And we are back. Okay, Jake, so I wanted to, I wanted to walk you through something and I think you'll. It's show related. So I did the waxing. Right. Yes, that happened. The old wowee session. By the way, are you doing. Were you doing a tiny shot glass of coffee earlier? Did I see that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm limiting it again.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And you know, I haven't gone back for the waxing since.

[A]

Okay. So it's grown back.

[B]

I think so. Yeah. I think it's safe to say you could see.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I'm talking about the back.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But the front, front's back. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've had to do this. So.

[A]

Jared, the back's back.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

This is why it's not a compliment.

[B]

Okay, so. So I'm in the hotel and I, you know, it. I. They still haven't most hotels figured out the do not disturb technology on the handle. Like if you shut the door, sometimes it falls off, you know, So I do the yoga with the headphone. I'll do like yoga on my phone and I'll have like the headphones in. And you know, a hotel is difficult, like space wise. There's not a lot of rooms, especially if you're doing yoga, especially if you're

[A]

sharing a room with another guy.

[B]

I'm not sharing a room at this time. Okay. That's Important to the story.

[A]

It is.

[B]

Yes. So I'll do the headphones in normally because it's. I have to like, put the phone, you know, prop it up somewhere as the speaker gets covered. Whatever this. You're gonna flag this behavior right off the bat. Everyone's gonna hate what I'm about to say. But I'll normally do for what? Because I'm limited on clothes, I'm using a towel as the yoga mat, essentially on the floor.

[A]

Are you sleep doing yoga naked in a hotel room?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You swear to God?

[B]

Natalie, don't. Natalie, Go away.

[A]

Wait, is this real?

[B]

This is real.

[A]

Is it carpeted?

[B]

Yes. But I have the towel on the floor.

[A]

You're not getting the whole area, brother.

[B]

No, but you're moving it around a little. You're. I'll take.

[A]

I'll take a couple sweaty butt juices.

[B]

Not sweaty. I'm not sweaty. Nobody's sweating. It's not hot yoga. But I am naked. I'm not.

[A]

Put underpants on if you're not sweating because it's.

[B]

I'm trying to limit the clothes usage. I'm milking every day. Possible.

[A]

What the.

[B]

There's more to this. There's more to this.

[A]

I know. Someone's gonna walk in and you're gonna not know if they saw your butt, if it was shocked or not.

[B]

No, no. My butt to the door.

[A]

And the door opens.

[B]

And the door opens. And a maid entered without. Or maybe she not.

[A]

You should be in jail.

[B]

I. I'm in my room. Open the door. Open the door. And then the door shut.

[C]

And it.

[A]

Natalie. Natalie, your thoughts.

[B]

I don't want Natalie's thoughts.

[A]

Natalie, you're reading.

[D]

Natalie's so gross.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

It's horrible.

[A]

Disgusting.

[D]

This is a dirty ass hotel floor. You're not wearing any clothes. The towel is not that big.

[B]

There's tiny towel.

[A]

It's not a beach towel.

[B]

I have. First of all, I have a couple of hand towels up a little bit, spread. I'm not making direct nude body contact with the floor one time. I honestly. So you guys get that thought out of your head.

[A]

Hold on. Don't get defensive. You.

[B]

How can I not get defensive?

[A]

Because we're not turning this into a yelling intro. Yeah, you can't add so much insanity and then just get loud. Okay? Why can't you wear an a pair of underpants? I could, but you said. Gareth, you're not sweating.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

So therefore.

[D]

So why did you take your underwear off? You were wearing underwear before, weren't you?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Maybe I Don't know. Maybe sleeping naked. I don't know. And now your point. Hold on.

[A]

But no, you have underpants. You take them off, put headphones in, and then don't do the latch lock.

[B]

Latch lock.

[A]

No, you're walking. You want somebody to walk in on you. No, this is assault. This is. This. A poor woman has a terrible job. You know what I've learned about this podcast with Eric and Steve on theirs too. Eric was talking about there was an intervention because. And then another thing he said was he gets like chili oil over the, on the bed sheets. Oh, yeah. Eating it. But you're like, no, no, no, those are Chinese food.

[B]

Those picture sheets like napkins.

[D]

Your grocer, nothing to stand on.

[B]

I do too. A towel from the bedroom, from the bathroom.

[A]

Yoga in a Holiday Inn Express is disgusting. My king.

[B]

I'll say this, look, this is, I want it. This is for you, for the poor

[A]

person who has to be in there after you. They're cleaning those floors.

[B]

I, I, I, I.

[A]

100% soft vacuum king.

[B]

I'm telling you, there's towels down. And I want to be very clear because I'm saying it again, there's towels down. Okay? So let's stop running away from facts here because there's towels down.

[A]

Also, this is not a joke now, but I know at a certain point we had skims as a sponsor. Can you send this to Anna at Headgum and and ask that they send Gareth more underpants so he doesn't run out of underpants on the road? This 1930s Great Depression era maniac Jake. Well, I didn't want to waste money while I was on the road. Soft what?

[B]

Jake slowly got a new angle. There's some chum in the water and shark Jake is swimming around. 1930s Gareth lives like it's depression era. And I'll be honest, you're not wrong.

[A]

I crazy.

[B]

I will now wear Save me under. I will, I will wear underwear. I will wear more underw.

[A]

Thanks for saying that like it's a big statement. Dude, that's so cool.

[B]

G. This is a great intro. It's a, it's a regular problem that a lot of people have and you guys gave some great pitches and I'm going to wear underwear from now on. Nobody has this problem.

[D]

Nobody.

[A]

Guess what? Three people will comment and be like, I get it.

[B]

Okay? It's a relatable problem. That's what it is. So enjoy the what?

[D]

No, no. Is there an end this story? What did you do?

[B]

Did you like. I talked to two friends of mine on my podcast and they're going to give me more underwear when I do yoga.

[A]

I'll tell you what happened afterwards. He goes, whoa. Somebody might have walked in. And I don't know if my has hair in it because even though the front grew, I don't know if butthole hair grows at the same speed. And this is a real question he had right now. He's going to do a silly voice to pretend to be on top of it, but he thought at the beginning, I don't have eyes that could see my butthole, so maybe there's no hair there. But it's hair. You could either feel it or not. So he goes, so maybe they saw a shaved butt or a hairy butt.

[C]

Who's to say?

[D]

Preferred Gareth, if she saw your butthole naked or covered in hair?

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Hello.

[B]

Hi. Welcome to the show.

[C]

Hi.

[B]

What is your name, please?

[C]

My name's Jacob.

[B]

Jacob.

[A]

You go by Jake ever?

[C]

Sometimes. I've never really gone by Jake. I don't know why. I've always been adamant about the Jacob thing, but some people call me Jake.

[A]

I respect the hell out of that.

[B]

Well, it's not too late. How old are you, Jacob? We could make a twist if we wanted to.

[C]

I don't know. I mean, 30 is kind of old to make that die.

[A]

30, don't you think 30 is too old to make a name last throws. Yeah, but in your 30s, no more big changes.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Gareth doesn't agree.

[B]

That is definitely how Jake feels.

[A]

This is. This is kind of who you are, Jake. No nose rings in your late 30s.

[B]

No microwaving the dish. Eat it cold. It's over. Enough's enough. What are you doing?

[A]

Season marinade. They already seasoned it, so now it's too much. Now it's too much.

[B]

All right, Jacob, 30. Where are you calling from, bud?

[C]

I'm in Kansas.

[B]

Beautiful. All right, Jacob, 30, Kansas. What can we do for you? What's going on?

[C]

Well, I had something embarrassing happen last week. Yeah, exactly. Last week. Last Thursday. Where? So my. My girlfriend at the time, she's now my fiance since this past week. I proposed.

[B]

Way to go.

[C]

Thank you. We had that winter storm recently, and our furnace was making some interesting noises, so we called our landlord, and they sent a guy out, and then basically he worked on the furnace, and he was like, okay, well, I have to replace a part and whatnot, you know, and, like, I'll come back out in a week. And he left. And then after that, he turned up the heat to work on it, I guess. So it was, like, 76 degrees in the house, which is. Oh, my gosh, so hot. And we have two bathrooms in our house. One upstairs, one downstairs. The upstairs bathroom door was shut, so it was super hot in there. I didn't want to go to the bathroom in there because I desperately had to go. So I went to the bathroom downstairs, which is directly across from the furnace. So I went down there with my phone in my pocket. I usually wear my Apple watch, but I wasn't wearing it for whatever reason, so I didn't really get any notifications, but I took a book, which is super rare. I'm getting into reading, so I was reading a book on the toilet. And where things go bad is I. My fiance and I leave the bathroom doors open. We're not very private with each other, so.

[A]

I know. Can I. Hey, Jacob, can I pitch on that?

[B]

Yeah, I. We will be pitching on that. Get to the end, but 100% with you. Yes. There's a problem you don't even see that needs to be fixed. Your furnace is the least of your issues.

[A]

All right? It's. It's 76 degrees, it smells terrible, and the doors open.

[B]

Hey, it's nice and hot here. Let's get that aroma cooking. All right, keep going, Jacob. So you're. So you're there. You guys got into reading?

[C]

Yep. Yep, I got into reading. And then. So I'm down there. I'VE got the door open, and then I. I hear steps coming down the stairs. So of course, I think it's either, you know, my fiance or one of our dogs or something. Coming down the stairs, you know, door wide open, whatever. And lo and behold, the H Vac guy comes around the corner. Oh, my God. All exposed, pants down, doing my business, reading the book.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

That's humiliating.

[B]

This is just so bad.

[A]

I mean, having a H Vac guy see you taking a dump is a nightmare.

[B]

It's also. I can't believe we. The idea that we even have to tell peop. Shut the. There's a thousand reasons to shut the door, but the idea that there's a. Someone's working on stuff in your house, the door. And you're just like, I just gotta sit here, have a crap and read.

[A]

Well.

[C]

Well, okay.

[D]

He.

[C]

He left the house. Left.

[A]

No, I got you.

[C]

Come back.

[A]

No, what Gareth is saying is it's not about the H Vac guy. It's about the doors there for a reason. But again, that's not what this calls about. We've made our point very clear on that really quickly. What book were you reading?

[C]

Oh, my gosh. It was. It was. Let me see here. What book was it? It's the new Mark hoppus book, Fahrenheit 182 from Blink 182. The bass player. Yeah.

[A]

Perfect book to be reading while taking the dump with the door open.

[B]

Blink 182. You're doing stink 76. We're good.

[A]

So he. Okay, so take us back to where we were, Jacob. He walks downstairs, the door's open, you're dropping heat. What happens?

[C]

Yeah, so tons of. Tons of things went wrong here. Of course, you know, none of this would have happened if I went to the bathroom upstairs. He wouldn't have seen that at all. But, you know, I did the rare thing and went downstairs. But so we. We. It got even worse because that bathroom door downstairs opens out, not in. So I can't close the door.

[B]

Right. You're trapped.

[A]

Walk me through. I'm so sorry.

[B]

So you know how the door, it. Sometimes it could. The door can swing into the bathroom. This door goes out into the hallway.

[A]

So you would have to do this. Stand up.

[B]

Well, he. Yeah, he can't. He could do the like one step grab if it went in, but he's got to do like a crab walk

[A]

and with the pants at the ankles. With your hog flopping around in a dirty.

[B]

With the hold, you're.

[A]

You're in A situation for a rock

[B]

biography in his hand.

[A]

Yeah. And if you fall there, Jacob.

[C]

Yeah. Yep.

[A]

Yeah, I'm with you. Don't do the reach. I would.

[B]

But also by the way. But by the way, Jake sitting there is also insane. I mean, great. To just be. To have and be like, how are you? Yeah.

[A]

Or you say mine. Closing the door. But then it makes you feel like he's the creep.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, pal, shut the door. That's a loss. That's a loss.

[B]

Like he's. He's the crazy guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, shut the door. This is crazy.

[A]

I'm reading Blink 182 and taking a shit in my house.

[B]

Shut the door in here.

[A]

And he goes. And then he would have to go like this. I'm sorry.

[B]

Occupiedo.

[A]

Yeah, so that's crazy, Jacob. So what happens? You see him, you're taking a dump. And what happens?

[D]

He.

[C]

So he's also on the phone with my landlord because he needed to get, you know, the. The serial number for the part or whatever and get a quote. Okay, so he's on the phone with my landlord. He doesn't want to say anything. We just make awkward eye contact. Oh, no, the corner again.

[A]

And then,

[C]

yeah, he's pretending like it didn't happen, but then he comes back around and he closes the door for me.

[B]

Like, Jacob, this is. There's no bottom here.

[A]

This is insane, by the way. Gareth, you're right. There's no bottom. It could not be.

[B]

It was already horrible, but now this guy's like, hey, you're out of your mind.

[A]

He just. He faked it and then just went, by the way, this smells. He was probably like, this is atrocious, by the way. I can't work like this.

[B]

It's a door.

[A]

I can't work like this.

[B]

Why have a door?

[A]

Why shit down here at the door? But I'm fixing your furnace, you maniac.

[B]

There's a guy in your house.

[A]

You don't want him to call this show. Not you, Jacob.

[B]

Honestly, this guy should be calling the show. This guy should be calling the show. Be like, I gotta go back there. What do I do?

[A]

If he's doing anything, I would say, quit the job.

[B]

You don't die. Yes.

[A]

Psycho.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, Jacob. So then what happens?

[C]

Okay, so he tries to shut the door, but it's also in the same area as our laundry room. And for some reason I just hung hoodies on both the knobs so the door can't even shut properly.

[D]

I have to.

[C]

I have to do the little get up.

[A]

Oh, My God.

[B]

You did the crab walk.

[C]

Holding the door.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

So I'm holding. I'm holding it. I'm listening. And I'm waiting for him to leave. He eventually does leave. I hear steps, go upstairs. I wait a little longer, of course, and then I'm just like, so embarrassed. And my fiance's upstairs. I'm like, why didn't you stop him?

[B]

The idea.

[A]

How. By the way, how can you blame her?

[B]

How dare you? The idea that she has any culverability for what you just did. She is back there.

[A]

Yes, Jacob, how did. By the way, I've warned you twice. Is. Who hurt you?

[B]

Honestly, who?

[A]

You. Okay. What? Okay, that's insane. Insane.

[B]

Insane. Jesus. Everyone. This. This is like a drug addict being like, everyone did this.

[A]

You know what? I. This one actually feels like we're in a rehab facility and this is day one.

[B]

Yeah. And we're. And we're like making eye contact, writing stuff down.

[A]

Like, for sure, you and me are the weird counselor guys. We're going like, this guy's out of control. And you're like, Jacob, you're the guy going, you think I need help.

[B]

Yeah. Jake yells at you. I come back in a little bit. Like, let me tell you what the

[A]

H Vac guy did. No, let me tell you what my fiance did. No, Jacob, this is all you, brother.

[C]

It's. It's all me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, Jacob, you do the weird hold. He leaves, you go upstairs, you yell at your beautiful fiance. She's going, like, I've always wanted you to close the door in the first place.

[B]

She's also, like, a week ago, I attached myself to you forever.

[A]

Yeah. Really fast. Jacob, can you put the fiance on the phone for just a second?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, she's right here.

[A]

Yeah, throw her on. I gotta ask her a quick question.

[D]

Hello?

[A]

Hey, how are you? Can we get your name, please?

[D]

Good. Amber.

[A]

Amber, quick question. Whose idea is it to leave the bathroom door open around your fiance while you guys are taking dumps?

[D]

Well, have you smelled him? It's gotta air out. And the dogs like to join him.

[B]

That is Jake.

[A]

Wait, hold on. Amber.

[B]

Is there a worse answer?

[A]

You guys are perfect.

[B]

Is there a worse answer than what just happened?

[A]

No.

[B]

Spread the smell, wealth, because the dogs need to hang out in there.

[A]

No. And also because it's so bad you need to air it throughout the whole house, not just the bathroom. Is that the logic? Amber.

[B]

You kids get out of the bathroom.

[A]

Wait, Amber. Amber, is your logic. Because his dumps smell so bad, you need to Keep the bathroom door open so that it could take over the whole house.

[D]

No, don't get trapped. The bathroom. So when I go in there, it's not still lingering. It's got to air out it.

[B]

Amber, Amber. Are you familiar with oil spills? Have you ever seen an oil spill? Do you ever notice that they try to get it out as they try to. They don't go. Let it spread. It won't be that much oil as long as it goes everywhere.

[A]

How about a fire?

[B]

About a fire.

[A]

Just let it burn everything.

[B]

It'll. It'll tucker itself out sooner or later.

[A]

Quick question and we'll of course get to this problem. But. My God, this bomb got dropped on us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you have a. Just pitching. Do you have a window in the bathroom?

[B]

It's a great call, Jake.

[D]

We do. It's in the shower.

[A]

Okay. Hey, hey, Ams. Let's do this.

[D]

It's in the first hour.

[B]

It's okay. But saying it's in the shower like it makes your policy okay? What are you talking about?

[A]

Agreed. But we're not gonna drown.

[B]

But, Jake, we really. We really. I mean, these kids are lucky they found us.

[A]

Crazy. They need us. You guys need us more than anyone's ever needed.

[B]

It is just this hat. Even the dogs are furious. The dogs. We don't want to hang out of there.

[A]

Shower window.

[B]

It's torture.

[A]

Open. You know why the dogs go in that bathroom, Amber? They're trying to open the shower window.

[B]

So, Amber, The H vac guys with two hounds behind him, please.

[A]

So, Amber, the door to the bathroom. Let's close it. Yeah, and let's crack the bathroom window so that smell goes outside, not throughout the house. Is that. Can we agree to that?

[D]

We'll try.

[A]

No. Nobody tried. Now, Amber, when you go to the bathroom, do you close the door?

[B]

Jake, you don't want any answer to this.

[C]

She doesn't.

[B]

No, she doesn't.

[A]

Because

[D]

the bathroom is super tiny. So when you close the door, you're kind of squished.

[B]

This is kind of squishy. Listen to me, Amber. And this is for Jacob, too, who clearly he. Listen. He's behind yelling. Like you do it. Like you're. Neither one of you should be doing this. The bathroom is a space, for one thing. You don't. You kids don't need room to lay down on the floor. Shut the door. Which we know opens out into the hallway. So it's not like you're downstairs.

[A]

That's the downstairs one.

[B]

Either way, you. There's no point in trying to make this room. It's not a rumpus room. Just close the door. The whole point of it is, for one thing, get in and out.

[A]

Amber, when you hear that from Gareth, which I think is really smart, what

[D]

do you think when I was.

[A]

What do you think when you hear that from Gareth?

[D]

I don't know.

[A]

Amber, let me ask you. Let me ask you a quick question. We're going to just cut through all

[B]

this stuff because, Jake, the comments will be like, I think it's lovely.

[A]

Yeah, who cares? Then the comments are wrong.

[B]

I completely agree.

[A]

So, Amber, why don't you close the door when you take dumps?

[D]

Well, my dogs come in and sometimes I like to put my legs out, kind of stretch. Yeah, we don't want the dog scratching the door.

[B]

Listen to him coaching.

[A]

Explain what you mean about put your legs out and stretching.

[B]

That's where I'm flagging.

[A]

How long you in there?

[B]

How tall are you? What are you guys, eight feet tall? What are you talking about?

[D]

We're five, six.

[A]

All right, Amber, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get off this bomb because I think it's gonna kill us all.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And can we go back to Jacob? It was lovely.

[B]

We're happy that you're happy.

[A]

And you know what? I'll tell you, Amber, I'm happy you guys found each other.

[B]

Oh, for sure. Because you cannot be, like, out there searching for a partner who's into open

[A]

door crapping because you like to put your legs out because the hogs want to smell it.

[B]

You want to get fur involved.

[A]

Yes, let's. Amber, thank you. Let's go back to Jacob and Gareth. Let's just get to the question.

[B]

Really agree. We have not gotten anywhere near the question.

[A]

All right, so, Jacob, what is the official question we can help you with?

[C]

Okay, the official question is, how do I apologize to this guy in two different ways. I could either do it in person if I'm the guy here when he has to replace the part, or do I leave him a note when Amber's here?

[A]

Yeah, well, first of all, that's a great question. And we can pitch on that. Absolutely. I'm gonna say, no way do you do it in person. And I'll tell you why. For my two cents. And you shouldn't, because first of all, you're not making any changes. It could happen again.

[B]

What do you mean he's not making any changes?

[A]

He's going to keep with the door open.

[C]

No, I need to make a change because her, Amber's sister, is Going to start going to school here in our town and she has to stay at our house sometimes. So I need to make this change.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This is this. First of all, the degree of seriousness that this has taken.

[A]

I love Jacob.

[B]

I do too. If only someone would invent a piece of wood that went in that door zone.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I had like a handle and a thing. Like an option closed, purp.

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

Yeah. Like shut you off from the other parts. You know what I mean? I don't know.

[A]

I have to figure something out. That I could have privacy while going

[B]

to the bathroom, but then it would smell. But you could put like a window. Yeah, go ahead.

[A]

But that goes outside. Yeah, very much.

[B]

Very, very true. Very true.

[C]

This hasn't started until her and I moved into this house. I haven't done this any other time. I don't know why we started.

[A]

Understood.

[C]

Right.

[A]

So let's just go to you, Jacob, because I got to tell you, we're not going to get through to Amber.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's another call that we're not qualified to help with. But to you, sir. Close the door when you take a dump.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You hear me?

[D]

I know.

[A]

Jacob, do you hear me?

[C]

I hear you.

[A]

I don't give a. If the dogs want to go in there and lick your goddamn ass. When you're taking a dump, the door is closed. If the dogs bark, put them in another room.

[B]

Yeah. They dogs will.

[A]

They'll go like this. I want to be in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you.

[B]

That's because you created the condition where they think that's how this goes. You need to take it. You need to take the power back. And I heard you say in the background, Jacob, they're scratching it. I've gone through this with my cat. Put it. Put something over the door that prevents the scratch. This is just. You called us for a different reason. But this really has to be a wake up call. It especially.

[A]

This is an intervention.

[B]

This is an intervention because now she's bringing her sister in. If she starts crap, all bets are off. This is like your wife gonna lay

[A]

on the toilet while taking a dump.

[B]

I. I just. The. The spreading out part will affect us forever. Yeah, it's. It's not okay. But again, Jake, let's focus on the problem. Now the question is how do we. May 1st.

[A]

Yes, but hold on. But first, because you're right, Gareth, and we're going to get there. Jacob, as your lawyer, I got a piece of paper in front of you. Will you sign? You personally will always close the door upstairs. And downstairs. And if there's jackets and sweatshirts on the door, you take them off before you take a dump. That's what people do.

[B]

Well, you just don't know what a door is. You think it's like a hanger.

[A]

Yeah. So, Jacob, can we get you to agree from here on out, you, sir. Oh, guess what? Bring the dogs in before. Lock them in.

[B]

I'm not going to co. Sign that, but if that's all you get, who cares?

[A]

And then what you're going to start doing is you're going to open up the window in the shower and the smells are going to go outside where they belong. Can we get you to agree to that? And just to start, I. I will sign that. You swear to God.

[C]

Swear to God.

[A]

If you ever are in the bathroom and the door is open, I want you to make a voice note and go, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I'm keeping the door open because I'm a lunatic. I'm a mad person. I'm insane. And I just want to apologize to the. We're here. We're here to help Community and send it to us. We'll air it at the end of episodes and then at the end go one. If we get to five, Jacob, if we get the five, we're going to figure out a real punishment here.

[B]

Yeah. We're going to get you a porta potty and you're going to be going outside like a construction worker.

[A]

You might have to dig a goddamn hole. You want to be an animal, we'll treat you like an animal. Yeah, okay. But you can fix this problem right away.

[B]

And yeah, I. I will also say I think we should be trying to coach Amber in that direction as well. I mean, I really do be included.

[A]

All right, let's put her. Put her on the phone.

[B]

I just think it's gotta be a community. This is like two people have to stop drinking for them to all start.

[A]

Garrett starts going sideways. We got to get back.

[B]

I agree. I have stuff I want to talk about. I want to get to the problem.

[A]

Gareth, go ahead, talk to Amber.

[B]

Amber, look, we're talking to Jacob here, and you seem like great kids and we're really happy for you and all that. Obviously, we're just trying to clean up a thing that I think long term is going to not only be helpful for your relationship, but for when people come over and experience the love you two have created. We're getting Jacob in the zone right now where he's agreeing to. To close the door when he's in there.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So he's going to close the door when he's in there. That's a big deal for us. Can you also commit to trying to shut that door when you're in there so that we're not? So that it doesn't feel like you're still having a cocktail with dinner?

[A]

He can't let me jump in.

[B]

Yeah. Help me, man.

[A]

You're being really nice. There's a lot of words. Hey, Amber, close the fucking door when you take a shit. Exactly. Okay, I don't want to hear Amber. I don't want to hear about the dogs. I don't want to hear about stretching.

[B]

What is.

[A]

Close the door very quickly.

[B]

Just quickly. What do you mean, stretching out? What are you doing in there? Yoga?

[D]

Well, like, if I'm sitting there and my legs don't always reach the floor, so I'll kick them up.

[A]

You said you're five, six. Your leg should always reach.

[B]

Get a squatty potty. You don't have to sit there like Drew Barrymore on the Tonight show at six. Go ahead.

[A]

She says she's five six. Her feet hit the floor.

[B]

Squatty potty.

[A]

She doesn't need a squatty.

[B]

Put your feet on the floor.

[A]

Hey, Amber. Can we get you to agree when you take dumps, you close the door? Can I get you. I'm your lawyer right now. You will. Okay, so now will you make a promise to me in this community? And we got people in Thailand listening. If you ever. If you ever find yourself in that toilet and you've started and the door's open, when you're done, you grab your phone, you make a voice note, you apologize, you say, I have taken a dump with the door open because I have a problem with this. And you number it and then send it to the show.

[B]

I'm gonna say we even need to go one bigger because they now have to hold each other accountable. If you catch one of the others cracking with the door open. I want a picture. I want a picture.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

No.

[B]

Yes. I want. Hold on, let me finish. And then you could say no. We can. At least we can put it on our Patreon. We could blur the faces.

[A]

This is about if you want a photo of.

[B]

How dare you? You've been on this call with me the whole time. You think this is a fetish, that I've been slow playing.

[A]

Okay, but Amber, no. No pictures. But if Jacob does it, you send a voice note, rat him out, and we'll get Jacob to do the same. Can you agree to this we agree. Starting immediately.

[B]

Yes. That's today. That's next. Crap. That starts.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

So do me a favor, then. Say your name. It will beep out your last name. Then say, I agree that when I take a dump, I will close the door. I will not be bullied by the dogs. And if the smell is too intense, I will open up the shower window rather than the door airing it to the house. Will you say that for me, please?

[D]

I am. We'll close the bathroom door, ignore the dogs, and open the shower window.

[A]

Thank you. You're great. We appreciate you. Now can we go back to Jacob? This is gonna be a big help, Amber.

[B]

And by the way, Jake, you know who the real winner of this call is? Is the sister. I mean, we just saved her.

[A]

How about the dogs?

[B]

Dogs, too. But the sister. The sister now doesn't have to go hang out in a saloon.

[A]

How about anybody who goes to that house and eats in their kitchen? Oh, that's just Amber. Can we talk to this sweet Jacob, please?

[C]

Yeah. I'm back. Can I include something that happened yesterday that I also think goes into this?

[A]

We would love it.

[C]

So we. We went to her mom's house yesterday, and all of her. All of her sister.

[A]

I don't want to hear that her mom takes shits with the door open

[B]

or that you accidentally crap there.

[D]

The sisters did.

[A]

Oh, God. I can't. We can't do this with their whole family.

[C]

We. We were sitting in the house.

[A]

They came in.

[C]

We were. We were there before them because they were picking them up from school, and one of them went in, went to the bathroom, and Amber went, are you. Are you going pee right now? And she was like, yeah.

[D]

And she's like, jacob's here.

[C]

And she's like, oh, my gosh.

[D]

I'll close the door.

[C]

So.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Look, we. We. We can't.

[D]

I have. I have 10 sisters. It's normal for us.

[A]

Wait, you said 10?

[B]

Jake? Yes.

[A]

How many brothers you got?

[D]

I'm the middle child. Out of 13.

[A]

You got 13 siblings growing up, and people aren't closing doors.

[B]

Jake. This is. Jake, you know what this is?

[A]

I'm going to be sick.

[B]

Jake. This is like an episode of Hoarders. And we just found the attic.

[A]

You got 13 kids in a house. Out of the 13, how many are closing doors?

[D]

So my parents are divorced. Some are from my mom, some are from my dad. Oh, my mom. Seven girls.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I guarantee you that divorce happened because of this.

[A]

I think it was part of it.

[B]

Had to Be part of it. One of them was like, look, I can't do this anymore.

[A]

The parents will deny it forever. It's not the kid's fault. But sometimes it might be.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

Somebody went like this. I can't do this. Everybody's with the doors family.

[D]

Like, if we don't have company,

[B]

there's

[A]

nobody in my family. You said you're not wearing clothes, but hold on, Amber, what does that even mean? Like, you're just. You're like, hey, I'm making deviled eggs and my ass is out. Is that what you mean? Or do you mean, like, you might be in, like, underpants and a big shirt? Or is your literal bush out while in the kitchen?

[B]

You bush of deviled eggs? All your sisters crap them with the door open.

[D]

They're usually underwear on.

[A]

How about bras?

[D]

Sometimes, Depending if it's day or night.

[B]

How about a shirt?

[A]

You're just walking around with the boobs

[B]

flopping about the garden. What. What is going on?

[A]

But are you wearing underpants and no shirt, just walking around the house Sometimes, if it's hot. Taking dumps with the doors open.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[D]

I swear we're normal. We really are normal.

[B]

Okay, look, we're very clean. Now. Hold on. You are not Jacob, for God's sake. No, you're not. No, you're not. You got. No. You got hoodies hanging on your crap factory door.

[A]

Jacob76.

[B]

I don't have a problem. Crab smells are going through the house like a pie in a looney tunes cartoon.

[A]

He yelled, I don't have a problem,

[B]

but here's my question. And then we got to get to this.

[A]

This.

[B]

My question is, Jacob, did you grow up crapping with the door open, or

[A]

was this learned from him married into this?

[B]

This is an Amber.

[C]

Very private family. I only have one brother. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. This is crazy to you. Okay, so you're gonna. You're gonna drive point on this. Sir, you're gonna have to send us voice notes and shame her a little bit. If she does it, by the way, we're still. She's gonna hang up and go. Yeah, she's gonna hang up and go. Those guys were just being funny. It is totally normal.

[B]

Oh, yeah,

[A]

she's gonna go. My dad used to take dumps on the floor of the living room.

[B]

Yeah, just. Just to be way better consistent with the alcohol. This is. She's in a couple weeks. Gonna go. We can have a glass of wine while we cook.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Marijuana is not a drug. Just cocaine.

[B]

Let's take some edibles. That's fine.

[A]

Exactly Right? I can eat it.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

It's a good thing I'm straight edge.

[A]

So we need something.

[B]

You do have a vice, buddy.

[C]

Yeah, my vice is going to the bathroom with the door open, apparently.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, Jacob, Jacob, first of all, thank the beautiful Amber. We appreciate her. But now we are going to get to the official pitch. The first thing I'm going to say is, no in person. We've already embarrassed this guy enough. My pitch is going to be actually pretty straight here. It would get a bottle of nice whiskey with a note that said, to the guy who had to see me going to the bathroom, I apologize. Our door was broken at the time. We have since fixed. It won't happen again. My bad. Enjoy this bottle of Jameson so that hopefully you could forget what you saw.

[B]

I love it. I think it's a great pitch. I'm gonna say just very quick relatability. I want time. These. These guys were. When I was in an apartment, were coming over to fix the sink. They did their job. They left. They. As soon as they left, I wanted to work out. I, for whatever reason, was doing P90X in my room completely naked. One of the guys forgot something. And as I was doing bicep curls totally naked, he walked by and I went, oh, my God. And then he left. And our relationship was never close, but it was never right again. So I do think it's important.

[A]

Are you to judge Jake.

[B]

Very different.

[A]

All of this.

[B]

Very extremely different. And I'm not. We don't have time for me to tell you what. You know why it's different? You know why?

[A]

It's because. Put some shorts on, brother.

[B]

I agree. I agree. And you know what I did?

[A]

Balls got to be flopping around while you're PX90. And by the way, all those squats

[B]

in your bedroom, it was bicep curl.

[A]

Guess what? But also, no, no, no. PX90. You're doing all sorts of stuff.

[B]

When he walked in was bicep curls. And I. I'm not kidding. I do think sweatband on. Go ahead.

[A]

But you've also told me about those workouts that the. You lived in an apartment building. The people underneath hated you.

[B]

I can't believe you remember that. Yes. Yeah. One day. One day the guy goes, hey, enough. And I was like, okay. I was doing plyometric work on the second floor of an apartment.

[A]

But question for you. Was that bedroom carpeted?

[B]

Jake, I don't. Yes.

[A]

By the way, I want you to apologize right now to Jacob and Amber for judging.

[B]

No.

[A]

Because you're an ad. If you're a counselor, you have cocaine all over your nose.

[B]

Wrong.

[A]

Then. Then I'm gonna ask you to mute yourself for a little bit, because we can't. So.

[B]

All right. Okay. Listen.

[A]

Jacob, you have alcohol on your breast. Jacob, you are a counselor.

[B]

Jake, Jacob and Amber, I. Look, I was trying to get the full disclosure, but we got so in the weeds about what you guys have been doing. And as much as I don't see the direct parallel, I brought it up because I relate to your problem a little bit. And what I'm saying is I think that gives me a specific words. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You guys crap with the door open, you monsters, I'll meet myself. I don't give a shit.

[A]

So, Jacob, what do you think about. What do you think about the note?

[B]

I have a pitch too, Jake.

[A]

Okay, go ahead.

[B]

Okay. My pitch is this. I think that's great. I think that's a great way to do it. I'm gonna go a little more in the direction of why don't we make this a little funnier because this is so fucking crazy. So what I'm gonna pitch is you buy him two boxes of Raisinets and you wrap them. You get a happy birthday card. You cross out everywhere there's an H, and you put a CR before it, and you write a note similar to what Jake said, where you say. And I think you hand it in person. You say, hey, I know what happened the other day. A little wild. I wanted to get you something to sort of say, my bad. So you give him a crappy birthday card and Raisinets that look like little.

[A]

Okay, so rather than happy birthday. That's fun. Crappy birthday. I like making fun of yourself a little bit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You have to, like, I promise you, I don't. I'm not a creep who likes this sort of attention. It was a mistake. Making a. Or, you know, you know, what I'd actually write. Please listen to the podcast. We're here to Help, where I discuss what happened here. Yeah, very embarrassed. But Amber and I are making changes. What you had to see while we were still in our sickness. Here's a bottle of wine, a bottle of booze, so that you can hopefully forget about the trauma I made you endure. You know what you're doing, brother. In aa, you're making amends.

[B]

Yeah. You're in a very important step right now.

[A]

This is, I think, step two, I believe it is.

[B]

And it's a long one for guys like you. You And Amber really have a long list.

[A]

You are. This is. I am making amends. Yes. Because I have a problem.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Keeping the door open when I go to the bathroom. The problem is getting fixed. I'm sorry that my problem. My illness got thrown on you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Here's a bottle of booze or even a gift card to like, target for 50 bucks.

[B]

Yeah. Something. And I. I will say you two, you're gonna. A lot of people are gonna rally behind your cause. I guarantee you do not listen to them. Jake and I are right. This is not okay. This is not okay.

[A]

And also, you need to know, sometimes the loud voices are wrong. Gareth has been saying that for a long time.

[B]

Oh, yeah. This is.

[C]

They.

[B]

They're. And they're gonna come out. I think it's nice. Who cares? It's. It's a human function. Yeah, I hear you. I hear you. No, you're wrong.

[A]

I hear you. I hear you. No, you're wrong.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

So, Jacob, what are you going to specifically do on this one? Sir?

[C]

I'm going to get him a nice bottle of something. Write it. Write a nice note. And then Amber is pretty much the only delivery because our landlord lives in Colorado, so.

[A]

Okay. Understood. All right. So she can do that. And it's better if she does it.

[B]

Yep, it is. He doesn't want to see you.

[A]

And then, Jacob, I just want to say to you and Amber, thanks for doing a master class. I'd be in a great call, honestly.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

You guys gave so much. We appreciate you.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Got the dogs for us outside of the toilet.

[C]

Will do.

[A]

Take care. Thank you. Bye.

[B]

And we are brought to you by Walden University. Oh my. We love Walden University. Look, I could hit you with some of the stats. For over 50 years, Walden has helped working adults turn ambition into action. They have a hundred plus degrees and certificates. Walden has made it so easy. Well, not so easy, but it's never been easier to get your degrees or your certificates.

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[A]

waldenu Edu and take that first step. This episode has been brought to you by Wayfair. Wayfair is a place that has a bunch of different stuff to sell at discounted rates. I just bought one of those robot vacuums from them. I found it online and I found it on Wayfair for 200 cheaper. And I don't see a quality difference. And I'm really into robot vacuums.

[B]

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[A]

Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's Wayfair. W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Squarespace.

[B]

Oh, we love Squarespace. We use Squarespace on the show. I use Squarespace in my real life. All my websites, I have a bunch of them. They've been doing it for a long time. I've been working with Squarespace for a while because they are the best. It's how you build your own brand. They give you all the tools. They also give you ways to showcase what you're offering to people so that when people come to the website, they go, oh, whoa, this person's legitimate. So my personal website, GarethReynolds.com Squarespace my film, GiveItUpFilm.com Squarespace every everything is Squarespace. They have it all. They just keep growing and getting better because they know they're dominating and they know they're the only place to go. So they keep offering everything.

[A]

So go to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or a domain.

[B]

Hello.

[D]

Hi.

[B]

Hi. How are you?

[D]

Good, how are you?

[B]

Good, thank you. Can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, please?

[D]

Yes, I'm gonna go by Caroline, but I am 25 and I'm from the southeast region.

[B]

You're being very non specific, which we welcome here. That we're here. That's fine. No, that's fine. I would do that.

[A]

I would do it too.

[B]

I would definitely do it. I've actually called the show and done it. Okay, Caroline, 25 southeast. What can we help you with?

[D]

So I'm a tax accountant at a firm, and last busy season, which is like January through April, a few offices in our region did this little morale boosting challenge where we answered weekly questions, earn points, and the top people were supposed to get a gift card. Well, me and two other co workers ended up winning. But by like May or June, still no gift card. So I asked my manager who's in charge, and she was like, oh, shoot, I've been way too busy. Totally forgot. Okay, fine. I let it go. And then August past in September, I checked in again, same response, too busy, totally off her radar. Well, I followed up at least once since then. And so now we're in February, almost a year later, and still no.

[B]

What is going on? I know. For work, incentivizing. That is so insane. To not follow through on.

[A]

This is becoming a real American problem.

[B]

Yeah, this is. This is the follow through. There's no follow through.

[A]

Of all the issues we got, this is number one.

[B]

No, I don't agree. Okay, okay. By the way, this is a clip and we're shutting the comments off.

[A]

Yeah, keep going.

[D]

Well, just without going to HR and making things awkward closely together in a very small office, how do I go about getting this gift card? Because it's not even about the gift card.

[B]

Really. Yeah, completely. That's what, that's what we're sort of saying here. Where was the gift card to? Did you say?

[D]

No, I don't know. It's probably like a Visa.

[B]

Okay, and how much was it for?

[D]

Probably not much. Again, it's more about the principle.

[B]

Okay, yeah, all right.

[A]

I agree with this.

[B]

Not a life. Life changing amount or anything.

[A]

And who would be and who's the boss? Can we give a name to the person who we need the gift card from?

[B]

Let's do a real name for the boss. I'm kidding.

[D]

Oh, I can't. We'll do Mary.

[A]

Okay, so Mary is the boss. Mary has to buy the gift card, and we need to get Mary to send you the gift card. And as of now, you brought it up and it hasn't come. Is that all true?

[D]

Yes, but she's not buying it. It's more. I mean, it's a big firm. I mean, you know, so it's not her money.

[A]

I agree.

[D]

She has to check in with.

[A]

Yeah, she just has to do some other.

[B]

It's on her, though.

[A]

Yeah, she just has to do it.

[D]

Right, Exactly. And she willingly signed up to do

[C]

this sort of stuff.

[A]

What do we have in terms of access to Mary? Do we have an email? Do we have texts? I'm just. This is so early. I'm just.

[B]

Jake's trying to figure out, like, how comfortable.

[A]

Different way. And what are different ways we can get at her.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

We.

[D]

I mean, I see her three, four times a week. We use teams messenger and then email.

[A]

Oh, I have an idea. Go. Next time you see her, go, hey, really strange question. I got sent a card with no name and a gift card at my home address. Was that from the survey? Did you send me the winning card? Because it wasn't signed and this is a great pitch. And then she'll go, oh, my God, we haven't. And then you guys. Okay. It was so weird. Then she goes like, yeah, I got a 200 gift card, so I don't know if it's me or. But. And you're like, okay. And then she'll go, we're so sorry. We haven't sent that yet. And go like, thanks.

[B]

Or.

[A]

Or you don't say the gift card. You go, it was a gift card and a bottle of wine. And it said, like, from Jim. Are you. Are you guys. Jim?

[B]

This is a great pitch. I had a pitch. It's much weirder.

[A]

What's your pitch? Let's just hear it.

[B]

My pitch is that you and I was going to need some help.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But since it's the tax world. Right. We're coming up on tax season. Carolyn says something to the effect of, hey, I'm doing my taxes under my donations and gifts section. I want to put in what the gift card was or what the gift

[A]

card's going to be, what it's going to. Telling me how much it's going to be.

[B]

I just want to put it in this year's taxes.

[A]

Caroline, does that make any sense in the world of taxes?

[B]

Because Jake and I have no clue.

[D]

Kind of. I mean, I would probably not have to report it because it wouldn't be big enough to have.

[A]

You don't know that.

[B]

But you don't know the amount. You don't know the amount. That's what you're saying. Basically saying, is this a reportable amount?

[A]

You could make it playful, but you go, the gift card I'm going to get. I'm sure it's Not. I'm sure it's going to be small from the survey, but I'm just, you know me. I'm such a professional.

[B]

Ridiculous.

[A]

I'm crazy. That's why it makes me a good employee. But a bad person. You think what would happen.

[D]

I think she would know that. Like, I'm trying to get at something.

[A]

That's okay. Okay. There's something I really liked about that, though. But I totally hear it. Is there anything in that zone we can do or, you know, you could say, you could go, I've got a question for you. What is the amount of gift, again, that could be, in your opinion, written off? Like, let's say you get a gift card. Anything under. Anything under $14,000 does not need to be reported. You know, that's what I was.

[B]

I. I like that. I listen, I like that. I do think. I think what the problem is, what you're flagging, is that it's a little more obvious what you're going in Jake's pitch.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You literally are just trying to see if you check that box. So if I think if you just say, hey, I got sent a gift card.

[A]

Did you send it?

[B]

Is that from you guys?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that the name? But make it.

[A]

Don't let her just say yes. Because you could also go, but it said it was from, like, Danny J.

[B]

But, but, but then what you can do is if she says yes, a week later, you go. Just so you know, that was actually from someone else, Danny J. So.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a great idea. Sorry about that was Danny J. That's.

[B]

So it wasn't from you guys. I figured it out. You know, he's a finance.

[A]

He's a financier.

[B]

He wears the tie dye shirt. He drinks margaritas on bus tops.

[A]

He climbs on vines. He's a weird guy. Yeah.

[B]

She wanted sweepstakes.

[A]

She won a.

[B]

We're here to help.

[A]

That's really funny.

[B]

That's great. That's great.

[A]

And then you go, I'm really sorry. I want to. We're here to hear sweepstakes. But they hadn't announced it yet. Yeah, but that's what that.

[B]

That's what it's from. So they paid me. You didn't. No big deal. Whenever you're ready.

[A]

So that will for sure work. Let me just give you another pitch just to throw it out there. I want you to just start writing words around the office and hanging them up like gif and then T and then ca and later RD and slowly gift cards. That's What I'm trying to get. If we can gift card things around. If you see like a gift card promo, you could put up a fake thing. A lost dog offering. Gift card, call this number. So gift card just starts popping up.

[B]

Yeah. Like 12 monkeys. You're just starting to see it all over subliminally.

[A]

So Mary just goes, I gotta buy those gift cards because it's just not on our brain. God damn gift cards. Do you think.

[B]

Do you think that it is she's forgotten or she just doesn't really care about the following?

[D]

I. No, I think she just doesn't care

[B]

because I think that's why your pitch is good, Jake.

[A]

Yeah. Interesting.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think, because I think that's why I. I mean. Well, you tell us what you think. Yeah, that one where you're like a gift card showed up is such an easy natural in.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

All right. So, Caroline, what you gonna do here, big dog?

[D]

I'm gonna have to see her on Monday and say, strangest thing, I got an email with a gift card link. Is that the one I won here about 10 months ago?

[B]

Yep. Yes, yes. Adding the time.

[A]

Love this grace.

[B]

And then if she says, ooh, I've got a sweet little out here. Yeah, I think it probably was. You go, great. And then eight days later, you come a calling. Hey, Mayor, just a quick update. I'm still owed the gift card from the team building exercise. Great day, by the way. What morale. We all learned a lot about follow through and things of that nature. That gift card email, that was actually from the podcast. We're here to help. I won a little contest. They just didn't label it properly. It's from Danny J. He sometimes probably drinks margaritas from that helmet with two cups on the side and straws going into his mouth.

[A]

When I first got on television on New Girl, we went to the Old Town Ale House in Chicago, and a couple of people at the table, other tables you could tell, recognized me. And they were younger, like females and. But they didn't want to say anything. And my brother was bored of just. I had come in from la, we were just seeing each other. He was not getting enough attention that he thought we deserved, so he stood up and screamed at the top of the lungs, hey, everybody, I'm Chris Miller, Nick Miller's brother. And I actually went to law school. Come say hello.

[B]

Oh my God. Just take the character's last name. What a weird. I'm Chris Miller. I'm a fan. Fictional character who's here.

[A]

Let's go. There were 15 people at our table. We're all buying drinks, and I was like, yeah, he's the life of the party. So, Caroline, are you gonna really do this?

[D]

Yes. Oh, absolutely. I will do it on Monday.

[A]

So let's do this. If you can record your side of it, we don't need to hear her.

[B]

Yes. But we can edit her out completely.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And then record it.

[A]

Yeah. Follow up with us because I think that will work. Park.

[B]

I do too. I think it's pretty perfect.

[D]

I'll hit this out of the park. I appreciate it.

[A]

Well, thank you. Thank you for saying that. It means a lot to us.

[B]

It does.

[A]

We do feel like a couple of losers in hotel rooms and closets sometimes.

[B]

Sometimes. Yeah.

[D]

They're listening to y'. All.

[B]

That's why the show works. Losers try to dig out of problems.

[A]

It's a world full of losers. God damn it.

[B]

Who is better POV than a couple of old losers?

[A]

That's the whole premise. We've been losing for so long and you're still in your 20s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let us tell you how to lose.

[B]

Our. Our law firm tag is haping. Losers lose less.

[A]

By the way, if I saw that on a billboard. Yes. If I saw that on a billboard

[B]

driving, I would call them helping losers lose less.

[A]

Yeah. Two losers Helping losers.

[B]

And we would definitely. We would definitely have one of those numbers. That's just the one digit. Seven times.

[A]

Right.

[B]

7, 7, 7, 77 7, 7, 7 7.

[A]

By the way, all jokes aside, I would spend real money for that right now. If my thing. If my phone number could be 1-323-888-8888, I would go. I would love it.

[B]

I completely agree.

[A]

Thank you so much for the call.

[B]

Thank you. Let us know.

[A]

Sweet.

[B]

Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 255, monitor swap with David Krunholz. Hello.

[C]

Hello. Hi.

[B]

How are you?

[C]

How are you guys doing?

[B]

Good, how are you?

[C]

Good, thanks. Great.

[B]

You're a follow up.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So my name's Kyle. I'm from Massachusetts. I called in a couple weeks ago because my co workers monitor at work is nicer than mine and I wanted.

[A]

Kyle, we got a lot of backlash on this one, bud.

[C]

Yeah, Really.

[A]

A lot of people were so mad that you, as a gentleman, were so threatened by a woman having a bigger screen that we had to gaslight her.

[B]

It's called splaining.

[A]

And they were so disappointed in Gareth and I always.

[B]

Now.

[A]

Yes, Kyle, just so you know, I thought that was interesting to tell you.

[B]

There was a I believe Kyle made a TikTok about this. Did you see?

[A]

Great one. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So first of all, reset up the problem before we see anything. For anybody who hasn't watched the original Kyle takeover, what was the problem and what did we suggest and what'd you do?

[C]

Yeah, so my co worker Emily was pretty new, and she works right across from me, and we all have these company monitors from. Well, the company and hers was a lot newer than mine, and I really wanted that new one, so.

[B]

Monitor coveting.

[C]

Yeah. So I think David Krumholtz was on Holtz.

[A]

He was great.

[B]

He was great.

[C]

He was hilarious. And, I mean, at one point, he, like, role played with being my dad and calling the company as, like, saying I needed a new monitor. There was also you recommended filling. I think it was either chili or jelly on the monitor to get it.

[B]

And we hear it back, we're like,

[A]

wow, don't do chili or jelly on it.

[B]

It's like we're kind of the commenters after we hear our own back a little, we're like, these guys are idiots.

[A]

These guys are not doctors. All right, Kyle. So some idiot, probably me, said chili on was hoping it was Gareth, but it feels like it was me.

[B]

Pretty sure it was you, sadly.

[A]

Especially because it was chili. If it was chili, it would have been.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

If it's part of it. You know me, I go.

[A]

You go cheese. I go chili. And I go ham sandwiches.

[B]

Cheese and chili. All right, keep going.

[A]

By the way, Sam, we do nicknames.

[B]

I merch. Nicknames, whole thing.

[A]

All right, so, Kyle, keep going.

[C]

We. We originally were on the path of let's break the monitor, bring it to the tech center and, like, tell them it's broken. Or then we went along, like, if the cable or connection wasn't working, like, it wasn't necessarily broken, but you couldn't get it to work. But Natalie brought up the point that they just give me a new cable and call it a day.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

We ended up doing the Asshole game, where we pretended for the podcast that there was a game called Asshole. And the challenge for me is was to feel her monitor or swap it, rather, with and see if she actually noticed.

[B]

So make a game out of your monitor theft.

[C]

Right.

[A]

So if you get caught, it's based off this TikTok trend.

[C]

Yeah. Yep.

[B]

Invisible scapegoat.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Kyle, you made. And you made the TikTok.

[C]

I did, yes. I. I made it and I. I didn't share it with her, but I shared it with my other co workers because they were looking at me when I was filming this, and they were like, what are you doing?

[B]

That's a wild decision to share with the co workers, I would say.

[A]

I wish you would have brought that by us.

[B]

Yeah, that would have been. That would have been.

[A]

I would have said, don't share it with them.

[B]

Yeah, Jake's the chili spill guy, and he thinks that was an issue. Just so you know, Kyle.

[A]

So you're teasing me with two hands of parmesan cheese? Yeah.

[B]

You got chili, I got cheese. We're both like, buddy, that guy's stupid. Button it up.

[A]

We both have a shirt that says, I'm with stupid with an arrow to the other guy.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So, Kyle, can we watch the tik tok now?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

All right, so let's go through this. We'll probably be able to hear some stuff. It starts with you talking to camera, so let's. I'll narrate anything that needs to be narrated.

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

Hi, everyone.

[C]

My name is Kyle, and today I'm

[B]

going to be participating in the We're

[A]

Here to help challenge.

[B]

I am going to be swapping my

[A]

co workers monitor for my own.

[C]

So now I am taking my old

[A]

monitor and putting it on Emily's desk and taking Emily's monitor and putting it on. On my desk.

[C]

I am now plugging both of them in, and this is all sped up to save time. Now I am admiring my handiwork by showing you the end results.

[A]

They're so similar.

[B]

They're the exact same.

[A]

So, Kyle, I gotta say, I think this is effective. I know it's bad, but in terms of what the premise of the show is, I feel like this is a fix, but you tell us what happened.

[C]

Yeah, so it did work. So we can go ahead and ring the bell.

[A]

Gareth, that's a real ring.

[C]

Yeah, you just ring the bell.

[B]

Another satisfied customer.

[A]

And also, don't forget, to the people listening. That's the point of this.

[B]

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. For all the naysayers, the bell just got rung.

[A]

Okay, so you can be all mad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But these two guys just solved Kyle's problem.

[B]

Well, you guys are commenting. We're down in the trenches pitching because

[A]

of the new Hulu deal. Now everything's changed. The whole show's different because Hulu leased it for a year.

[B]

The idea that the Hulu. This is a post Hulu deal, and we recommended that he steal his coworker's monitor and blame it on the show is a ticket.

[A]

Everything's different now. All right, so, Kyle, what happened?

[C]

Yeah, so I made the switch, and then I ended up having to travel for work. So I wasn't in the office for about a week and a half. And in that time period, I didn't hear bring up anything in the remote vicinity of a monitor or swapping or any of that. And then I came back and it was still there. And then about a couple days ago, they started doing a company wide thing where they switched all the monitors to newer ones, so.

[A]

You gotta be kidding me.

[C]

I. I wish I was making it up. I like to think I was a pioneer, but I guess it was already in the works and I just.

[A]

All right, Kyle, here's what you got to do. First thing you do, take the TikTok down.

[C]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

Delete it. Burn it.

[B]

Never happened.

[A]

It never happened because guess what? We won. But then there was like an earthquake.

[B]

But I'm gonna say something, Jake. I think we caused that earthquake.

[A]

You really do, in your heart of hearts?

[B]

No, I just want to keep ringing the bell.

[A]

Ring it then, baby. So, Kyle, basically what happened is everybody got a new screen. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Yep.

[A]

But. But you got one first.

[C]

Yeah, but I got one first.

[B]

Yep. We solved it for that week. Even though you weren't there, you had a nice monitor.

[A]

I gotta say, to me, this feels very. Look, this is kind of the whole show, guys. It's a small little problem that in the end got fixed by the company anyhow, but beforehand, Kyle, you won. You made a little tik Tok video that would have protected you, and you switched the monitor. But enough about what we think. How do you feel about this call? If you were on Yelp doing a review, how would you review this?

[C]

I'd say I'd give it four and a half stars. I mean, it was. I was a satisfied customer and I.

[B]

Go ahead. Sorry, Kyle. Jake's gonna jump in here.

[A]

Nearly perfect.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Walk us through how everything worked out perfect, but we're half a star shy of a fiber,

[C]

so it's all. It's all out of love.

[B]

But why are we being punished?

[C]

Well, the hardest part was we decided to do this in the middle of the work day. So this was something when it was like, prime busy hour.

[A]

Hey. Hey, Kai. Kai.

[C]

Yeah?

[A]

Did we pitch do it during the workday or was that you?

[B]

Did we say do it right now? Oh, we did. Okay. All right. There you go.

[C]

You said, as soon as you get off the call, let's do it.

[A]

That actually sounds like me. Yeah.

[B]

That has Chili Johnson written all over it.

[A]

That's got chili sauce all over it. I got excited. Yeah. You know what? 4.5 makes a lot of sense to do it right.

[B]

Then thank you for defending yourself. Okay, well, great. Look, it's a win. We're all happy.

[A]

Kyle, are you happy? Definitely.

[C]

I am. I had, believe it or not, a lot of fun going through this. A little nerve wracking at first, but getting over that, I think I'm in a new space. Maybe not for the better or worse, but just a new space in general.

[A]

So that makes sense. Man. Well, that's. There's no better or worse, just different days. So can everybody. Whoever wants to participate, can you comment on whatever you Watch? If it's YouTube, if it's Spotify, if it's Apple music, I don't know. And just out of five on this one, without any context, just rate what you think. Kyle gave us a 4.5. Just and without. You don't have to say anything, just 4.7 or 4.2 or 5. And then we'll just kind of get a sense of if. Gareth, what would be your rating out of 5, considering what Kyle said, too?

[B]

Honestly, as an outsider, a 5. The problem got solved. I felt no nerves. The company got new monitors. I'm willing to take credit for that. Yeah, granted, he was a little nervous, but dare I say, there was some growth. You know, growth happens outside the comfort zone. And that's what we gave to Kyle on that day. Plus, we got to see Kyle. Handsome guy, things are good.

[A]

I would give it a 4.65.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Why are you.

[B]

What are you. Why are you shaving us?

[A]

Yeah, because of the same reason Kyle did. We said go right away, and I think that was. That was not. What we could have said was do it at a time, sneak in in

[B]

the night, make it look like a caper, Watergate, get arrested.

[A]

Just pay attention to when no one's watching and do it fast.

[B]

I mean, I don't know. Okay, I get it. Five from me, but that's great. Look, the point is, Kyle, it's solved. You're happy, you met two of your heroes.

[A]

That. I think you just said that. I don't think he said that. By the way, that's a new.

[C]

It was implied.

[A]

Everybody, thank you for the call. You're welcome. You're reading two of your heroes and they go. Who's here? Kyle Garrett.

[B]

Garrett the Jake.

[A]

Kyle, in closing, you got anything you want to say about this one? Wrapping it up. Did you learn anything? Is there anything we could take from this? What do you think about the people who said it was really rude as a guy to do this to a woman. Any thoughts?

[C]

I. I like to think that I'm above the whole gender thing. If it was a guy, I would have done the same thing. A monitor. Monitor, in my opinion.

[A]

So, you know, monitor has.

[C]

I can separate the person from it

[B]

as well as we would have if this was a. A female call. Any call, anybody calling, any gender calling.

[A]

We would say, I don't care what your gender is. I would say, spill chili on it.

[B]

I would say, no matter what your gender, the same agenda.

[A]

Yeah, that was the worst ending possible.

[B]

All right, Kyle, you're welcome, buddy. You met two legends. Thank you, Kyle. You've been two heroes. Take care, pal.

[C]

Yes. Thank you, guys. Have a good rest of your day.

[A]

You too. Thanks for the follow up.

[C]

Bye Bye.

[A]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds Fiddler. Like to be on the show. Please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[B]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast. That was a Headgum podcast. At vrbo, we understand that even the best of plans sometimes need a little support. So we plan for the plot twists. Every booking is automatically backed by our VRBO care guarantee, giving you confidence from the very start. Whenever you need help, it's ready before your stay, through the moments in between and after your trip. Because a great trip starts with peace of mind and maybe a good playlist. But we've got the peace of mind part covered.