WE’RE HERE TO HELP — EPISODE 271: “Iowa Nachos & Off To Work!”
Host: Headgum | Date: March 16, 2026
Special Guest: Mary Steenburgen

EPISODE OVERVIEW

This episode is classic “We’re Here to Help”: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, in their trademark blend of camaraderie and comedic honesty, take on two main listener calls—one about parental boundary-setting (with some truly “Iowa” snack creations) and another on awkward roommate dynamics. They end with a much-anticipated cameo from actress Mary Steenburgen, who holds them to account for a previous episode’s questionable advice, resulting in a unique, impromptu courtroom of sorts. The show is equal parts absurd and genuinely caring, digging into the tricky nitty-gritty of giving and receiving advice, all delivered with an undercurrent of self-deprecating humor.

1. OPENING BANTER — THE DEATH OF SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS & SOCIAL MEDIA (01:47–09:39)

• Jake and Gareth reflect on nostalgia: the loss of Saturday morning cartoons as a marker of adulthood.
• Transition into how algorithms shape their digital lives, from shirt ads (“Hey, fat, I know you’re fat”—Gareth, 03:13) to political text spam.
• Both share stories about pranks involving email sign-ups and Craigslist ads ("My buddy Dan Levy put my number on Craigslist… leave me a voicemail with your political take. Didn’t tell me. I started getting these crazy voicemails about Ron Paul..." — Gareth, 06:00).
• General theme: how digital and real-life pranks, algorithms, and unintended consequences mingle in modern friendship.

2. CALL 1: MARIA FROM CEDAR RAPIDS – “IOWA NACHOS” & PARENT BOUNDARIES (09:40–27:22)

Topic:
Maria (39, Cedar Rapids, IA) asks how to kindly stop her mom (aka “Share Bear”) from bringing her wild, stoner-esque homemade lunches to the attic where she works—interrupting Zoom calls (sometimes in less-than-full attire).

Call Highlights

• Maria describes her mom's “Iowa nachos”—stacks of hot dogs, Doritos, grapes, cheese, and “some kind of sauce.” (12:41)
• Mom interrupts Zoom meetings, proudly delivering these chaotic meals. Co-workers see, Maria is mortified.
• Mother wears cut-off hospital scrubs, often without undergarments, adding to the awkwardness.

Advice/Riffing (14:28–25:16)

Jake and Gareth brainstorm increasingly absurd, creative scripts/strategies:

• Bag Lunch Pretend: “Show up old-school, brown-bag it. Claim it's for a doctor-ordered health kick. Blame your husband if you have to. ‘For my 40th birthday, he wants me to get bloodwork done.’” (16:04)
• Fake Diet Plan: “Try saying you’re on the chimp diet: ‘It’s all bananas and greens, no proteins except beans. It’s how to get a chimp body in six months!’” (19:30)
• Fasting/Keto Excuse: “Say you’re doing fasting windows, can’t eat during work hours.” (18:15)
• Food Poisoning False Alarm: “Wolf down a hot dog and then claim food poisoning. ‘Sorry, love ya, but I can’t risk it—missed three meetings last time!’” (21:36)
• ‘Choke on a dog’ method: Comedic but not advised—“Fake-choke, blame the food, beg off future lunches.” (18:49)
• “The grandma clause”: Don’t fight how she feeds the grandkids—let grandma-grandkid weirdness stand.

Notable Quote:
“If you told me nine minutes ago that would sound logical, I just said you’re crazy.” – Gareth, (22:31)

Maria’s Thoughts & Resolution (25:16–27:22)

• Maria appreciates the advice, especially the food poisoning excuse, given her mom’s phobia: “If I told her I had food poisoning, she would lose her mind.” (23:47)
• Jake and Gareth recommend starting with this to break the cycle, then shift to healthier visible snacks (like almonds). If “Share Bear” persists with unsavory attire on Zoom, they suggest faking a workplace HR scare—“Mom, they saw your butt.” (25:43)

3. CALL 2: HEATH FROM BROOKLYN – ROOMMATE “THEFT” & NON-CONFRONTATION (31:11–48:28)

Topic:
Heath (25, Bushwick, Brooklyn) wants advice on confronting roommate “Cody,” who keeps “borrowing” (and losing) Heath’s things (e.g., spatulas, furniture) without asking or replacing them.

Situation Breakdown

• Heath and Cody: college acquaintances, not close, now room together with one other person.
• Cody appropriates common items (spatulas for a chef costume—never returned, chairs for parties, a mug turned into a key bowl—34:01).
• Pattern is irksome, apology style is lackluster, but Heath wants to keep peace—the NYC “bad roommate” baseline is low (“If you got a good enough thing working, don’t mess with it.” — Jake, 36:10).
• Relationship is distant: “I hardly see him because he’s in his room all the time.” (36:15)

Jake & Gareth’s Solutions (40:10–47:53)

• Phantom Thief/Cold War Approach:
  • “Start stealing his stuff—kitchen only, never his room. Aim for a silent arms race, so he feels what you feel. Eventually, you both silently agree to stop.” (43:00)
• Camera Bluff:
  • “Pretend you’ll contact the landlord and set up cameras. ‘Shit’s been missing, might set up cameras. Anything weird for you?’” (40:17)
• Direct Confrontation?
  • Neither Heath nor hosts favors old-school direct confrontation or note-leaving.

Notable Quotes:

• “I think what you’re hoping for is essentially the Cold War.” — Jake, (43:20)
• “Are you going to do it?” “I think I can do it. I don’t think it’s too evil.” — Jake & Heath, (46:49)

Conclusion

• Ultimately, Heath favors the “revenge disappearance” route—hiding things like protein shaker bottles, then cycling their return (“Once he buys a new one, bring the old one back, hide something from the new one…” 46:15).
• Jake: “Some action is better than no action. This is the right move.”

4. FEATURED GUEST: MARY STEENBURGEN – “CROCHET COURT” ACCOUNTABILITY (51:49–71:26)

Context:
Mary joins for a “follow-up court” on a previous episode (“Crochet Court”), where the hosts handled a crafting payment dispute awkwardly, flipping it into an on-air confrontation between friends.

Mary’s Critiques (52:04–58:10)

• Points out tone dissonance—transitioning from stories of physical fights to a delicate crafting conflict.
• Notes the “court case” vibe was inappropriate and pressured the caller’s friend (“She had a meeting in six minutes, and you go, okay, we have five minutes, let’s do it now… This woman had no clue what was happening.” 54:44).
• Criticizes the “toxic masculinity” energy that spilled over: “You were surging with testosterone… you instantly made her friend be on the radio.” (55:16, 55:40)
• Brings up pattern of advice drifting from actually helping callers (butthole waxing episode; marketing callers’ issues for show benefit—59:01).

On-Air Accountability & Apology (61:59–71:26)

• Show producer Natalie manages to bring on Sarah (the "crochet" caller) in real time.
• Sarah states: the advice did help spark a needed conversation, her friend will chip in, and things are resolved, but the crochet court wasn’t fun for her friend.
• Mary suggests more careful, sensitive handling in future craft-related calls (“When you knit something, you can undo it... Can she make a smaller elephant, maybe $100? Then split it.” 60:38)
• Mary delivers a formal apology:
  “On behalf of Gareth and Jake, I, Mary Steenburgen… humbly apologize for any discord between you and your best friend… the men promise not to get themselves all worked up about how macho they are… They promise never to do that again.” (68:03)
• Both hosts reflect on lesson learned: Don’t use “fight energy” for craft conflicts or push callers into live confrontations, especially with non-consenting friends.

5. ADDITIONAL FEEDBACK SEGMENT: SLEEP ADVICE CLARIFICATION (71:45–72:53)

• Listener feedback: A nurse practitioner notes a previous caller with excessive daytime sleepiness should seek a sleep specialist, not just use the show’s workarounds.
• Hosts affirm the show is entertainment, and all listeners should seek professional advice, not just their own.

NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• “Hot dogs as a choice is wild… it really is college high.” — Gareth (13:07)
• “Wolf down one of these hot dog plates from hell, and you fake a food poisoning…” — Jake (21:36)
• Maria: “If I told her I had food poisoning, she would lose her mind.” (23:47)
• “Start stealing his stuff… What you’re hoping for is essentially the Cold War.” — Jake (43:20)
• “I think making it so you’re like—yeah, I’ve been trying to sort of show you what it feels like to not have control of your stuff.” — Gareth (46:47)
• “You, this other thing you did—you go: ‘Your friend is nervous about asking you for money. So what would you be comfortable paying? Would you be comfortable paying $30,000?’” — Mary (61:18)
• “I don’t think it’s helpful to get yourselves all jacked up on testosterone before you take calls from women about crocheting.” — Mary (66:02)
• “Some action is better than no action. This is the right move.” — Gareth (47:35)

KEY TIMESTAMPS

• 09:40–27:22: Maria’s “Iowa Nachos” mother/Zoom boundaries call
• 31:11–48:28: Heath’s “borrow-happy” Brooklyn roommate call
• 51:49–71:26: Mary Steenburgen “Crochet Court” follow up, apology, and Sarah’s perspective

SUMMARY

Episode 271 is a vibrant tour de force of the show’s strengths and weaknesses: absurd comedy, deeply relatable listener issues, and a willingness to self-correct. Jake and Gareth’s advice is both caring and quick-witted, leaning into the chaotic, but they are also ready to genuinely listen and make amends (especially with the guidance of Mary Steenburgen). It’s helpful for anyone navigating awkward boundaries—at work, at home, or in friendship—and offers a good-natured, if at times bumbling, blueprint for dealing with the messiness of life with humor and heart.