271: Iowa Nachos & Off To Work! (with Mary Steenburgen)

Summary

WE’RE HERE TO HELP — EPISODE 271: “Iowa Nachos & Off To Work!”
Host: Headgum | Date: March 16, 2026
Special Guest: Mary Steenburgen

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

This episode is classic “We’re Here to Help”: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, in their trademark blend of camaraderie and comedic honesty, take on two main listener calls—one about parental boundary-setting (with some truly “Iowa” snack creations) and another on awkward roommate dynamics. They end with a much-anticipated cameo from actress Mary Steenburgen, who holds them to account for a previous episode’s questionable advice, resulting in a unique, impromptu courtroom of sorts. The show is equal parts absurd and genuinely caring, digging into the tricky nitty-gritty of giving and receiving advice, all delivered with an undercurrent of self-deprecating humor.

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1. OPENING BANTER — THE DEATH OF SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS & SOCIAL MEDIA (01:47–09:39)

• Jake and Gareth reflect on nostalgia: the loss of Saturday morning cartoons as a marker of adulthood.
• Transition into how algorithms shape their digital lives, from shirt ads (“Hey, fat, I know you’re fat”—Gareth, 03:13) to political text spam.
• Both share stories about pranks involving email sign-ups and Craigslist ads ("My buddy Dan Levy put my number on Craigslist… leave me a voicemail with your political take. Didn’t tell me. I started getting these crazy voicemails about Ron Paul..." — Gareth, 06:00).
• General theme: how digital and real-life pranks, algorithms, and unintended consequences mingle in modern friendship.

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2. CALL 1: MARIA FROM CEDAR RAPIDS – “IOWA NACHOS” & PARENT BOUNDARIES (09:40–27:22)

Topic:
Maria (39, Cedar Rapids, IA) asks how to kindly stop her mom (aka “Share Bear”) from bringing her wild, stoner-esque homemade lunches to the attic where she works—interrupting Zoom calls (sometimes in less-than-full attire).

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Call Highlights

• Maria describes her mom's “Iowa nachos”—stacks of hot dogs, Doritos, grapes, cheese, and “some kind of sauce.” (12:41)
• Mom interrupts Zoom meetings, proudly delivering these chaotic meals. Co-workers see, Maria is mortified.
• Mother wears cut-off hospital scrubs, often without undergarments, adding to the awkwardness.

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Advice/Riffing (14:28–25:16)

Jake and Gareth brainstorm increasingly absurd, creative scripts/strategies:

• Bag Lunch Pretend: “Show up old-school, brown-bag it. Claim it's for a doctor-ordered health kick. Blame your husband if you have to. ‘For my 40th birthday, he wants me to get bloodwork done.’” (16:04)
• Fake Diet Plan: “Try saying you’re on the chimp diet: ‘It’s all bananas and greens, no proteins except beans. It’s how to get a chimp body in six months!’” (19:30)
• Fasting/Keto Excuse: “Say you’re doing fasting windows, can’t eat during work hours.” (18:15)
• Food Poisoning False Alarm: “Wolf down a hot dog and then claim food poisoning. ‘Sorry, love ya, but I can’t risk it—missed three meetings last time!’” (21:36)
• ‘Choke on a dog’ method: Comedic but not advised—“Fake-choke, blame the food, beg off future lunches.” (18:49)
• “The grandma clause”: Don’t fight how she feeds the grandkids—let grandma-grandkid weirdness stand.

Notable Quote:
“If you told me nine minutes ago that would sound logical, I just said you’re crazy.” – Gareth, (22:31)

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Maria’s Thoughts & Resolution (25:16–27:22)

• Maria appreciates the advice, especially the food poisoning excuse, given her mom’s phobia: “If I told her I had food poisoning, she would lose her mind.” (23:47)
• Jake and Gareth recommend starting with this to break the cycle, then shift to healthier visible snacks (like almonds). If “Share Bear” persists with unsavory attire on Zoom, they suggest faking a workplace HR scare—“Mom, they saw your butt.” (25:43)

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3. CALL 2: HEATH FROM BROOKLYN – ROOMMATE “THEFT” & NON-CONFRONTATION (31:11–48:28)

Topic:
Heath (25, Bushwick, Brooklyn) wants advice on confronting roommate “Cody,” who keeps “borrowing” (and losing) Heath’s things (e.g., spatulas, furniture) without asking or replacing them.

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Situation Breakdown

• Heath and Cody: college acquaintances, not close, now room together with one other person.
• Cody appropriates common items (spatulas for a chef costume—never returned, chairs for parties, a mug turned into a key bowl—34:01).
• Pattern is irksome, apology style is lackluster, but Heath wants to keep peace—the NYC “bad roommate” baseline is low (“If you got a good enough thing working, don’t mess with it.” — Jake, 36:10).
• Relationship is distant: “I hardly see him because he’s in his room all the time.” (36:15)

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Jake & Gareth’s Solutions (40:10–47:53)

• Phantom Thief/Cold War Approach:
  • “Start stealing his stuff—kitchen only, never his room. Aim for a silent arms race, so he feels what you feel. Eventually, you both silently agree to stop.” (43:00)
• Camera Bluff:
  • “Pretend you’ll contact the landlord and set up cameras. ‘Shit’s been missing, might set up cameras. Anything weird for you?’” (40:17)
• Direct Confrontation?
  • Neither Heath nor hosts favors old-school direct confrontation or note-leaving.

Notable Quotes:

• “I think what you’re hoping for is essentially the Cold War.” — Jake, (43:20)
• “Are you going to do it?” “I think I can do it. I don’t think it’s too evil.” — Jake & Heath, (46:49)

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Conclusion

• Ultimately, Heath favors the “revenge disappearance” route—hiding things like protein shaker bottles, then cycling their return (“Once he buys a new one, bring the old one back, hide something from the new one…” 46:15).
• Jake: “Some action is better than no action. This is the right move.”

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4. FEATURED GUEST: MARY STEENBURGEN – “CROCHET COURT” ACCOUNTABILITY (51:49–71:26)

Context:
Mary joins for a “follow-up court” on a previous episode (“Crochet Court”), where the hosts handled a crafting payment dispute awkwardly, flipping it into an on-air confrontation between friends.

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Mary’s Critiques (52:04–58:10)

• Points out tone dissonance—transitioning from stories of physical fights to a delicate crafting conflict.
• Notes the “court case” vibe was inappropriate and pressured the caller’s friend (“She had a meeting in six minutes, and you go, okay, we have five minutes, let’s do it now… This woman had no clue what was happening.” 54:44).
• Criticizes the “toxic masculinity” energy that spilled over: “You were surging with testosterone… you instantly made her friend be on the radio.” (55:16, 55:40)
• Brings up pattern of advice drifting from actually helping callers (butthole waxing episode; marketing callers’ issues for show benefit—59:01).

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On-Air Accountability & Apology (61:59–71:26)

• Show producer Natalie manages to bring on Sarah (the "crochet" caller) in real time.
• Sarah states: the advice did help spark a needed conversation, her friend will chip in, and things are resolved, but the crochet court wasn’t fun for her friend.
• Mary suggests more careful, sensitive handling in future craft-related calls (“When you knit something, you can undo it... Can she make a smaller elephant, maybe $100? Then split it.” 60:38)
• Mary delivers a formal apology:
  “On behalf of Gareth and Jake, I, Mary Steenburgen… humbly apologize for any discord between you and your best friend… the men promise not to get themselves all worked up about how macho they are… They promise never to do that again.” (68:03)
• Both hosts reflect on lesson learned: Don’t use “fight energy” for craft conflicts or push callers into live confrontations, especially with non-consenting friends.

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5. ADDITIONAL FEEDBACK SEGMENT: SLEEP ADVICE CLARIFICATION (71:45–72:53)

• Listener feedback: A nurse practitioner notes a previous caller with excessive daytime sleepiness should seek a sleep specialist, not just use the show’s workarounds.
• Hosts affirm the show is entertainment, and all listeners should seek professional advice, not just their own.

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• “Hot dogs as a choice is wild… it really is college high.” — Gareth (13:07)
• “Wolf down one of these hot dog plates from hell, and you fake a food poisoning…” — Jake (21:36)
• Maria: “If I told her I had food poisoning, she would lose her mind.” (23:47)
• “Start stealing his stuff… What you’re hoping for is essentially the Cold War.” — Jake (43:20)
• “I think making it so you’re like—yeah, I’ve been trying to sort of show you what it feels like to not have control of your stuff.” — Gareth (46:47)
• “You, this other thing you did—you go: ‘Your friend is nervous about asking you for money. So what would you be comfortable paying? Would you be comfortable paying $30,000?’” — Mary (61:18)
• “I don’t think it’s helpful to get yourselves all jacked up on testosterone before you take calls from women about crocheting.” — Mary (66:02)
• “Some action is better than no action. This is the right move.” — Gareth (47:35)

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KEY TIMESTAMPS

• 09:40–27:22: Maria’s “Iowa Nachos” mother/Zoom boundaries call
• 31:11–48:28: Heath’s “borrow-happy” Brooklyn roommate call
• 51:49–71:26: Mary Steenburgen “Crochet Court” follow up, apology, and Sarah’s perspective

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SUMMARY

Episode 271 is a vibrant tour de force of the show’s strengths and weaknesses: absurd comedy, deeply relatable listener issues, and a willingness to self-correct. Jake and Gareth’s advice is both caring and quick-witted, leaning into the chaotic, but they are also ready to genuinely listen and make amends (especially with the guidance of Mary Steenburgen). It’s helpful for anyone navigating awkward boundaries—at work, at home, or in friendship—and offers a good-natured, if at times bumbling, blueprint for dealing with the messiness of life with humor and heart.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgun podcast. This episode is sponsored by the great Squarespace.

[B]

We love Squarespace here at the show. We are constantly using Squarespace to build different websites for the show that support the show, that support or corroborate some of the show's bs. Again, we've never promised. We're very good at giving advice, but Squarespace helps corroborate what we're going for.

[A]

We have a new website that's not for us. It's for Hot Takes. Some members of the community have written in, we've been on an email chain and they wanted to start a website and we wanted to do it for Hot Takes. So this is a Squarespace made website.

[B]

Squarespace offers tons of stuff. They offer cutting edge design. So your website is going to look cool, beautiful, dare I say SEO tools, search engine optimization.

[C]

It's important.

[B]

It's how people find you. You've got your domain recommendations, Don videos, subscriptions. They are offering all this stuff on their website.

[A]

So go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you are ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Back on a Saturday.

[B]

Used to be when we'd watch cartoons as a kid.

[A]

Were you a big cartoon Saturday morning? Because I. Yeah, was.

[B]

I think all kids were. Oh, the Saturday morning ritual of this is Right. It meant something big.

[A]

And it's gone.

[B]

Gone.

[C]

It.

[B]

It is. I. I don't know, man.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's very. We're old men, but. I know, but that's Saturday morning nostalgia.

[A]

Yes, but when you say it's gone. Speaking of it. So one of the reasons I took this NBC pilot, which, by the way,

[B]

all over the trades.

[A]

All over the trades. I mean, Oliver, like one trade in my social media.

[B]

No, they were.

[A]

I saw a couple things but one. But that's the problem with right now.

[B]

I know it's all over the trades

[A]

that you and I see. Because we're connected to each other.

[B]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[A]

Like, your stuff is all you are.

[B]

My algorithm is the biggest actor in the world.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, wow. My buddy Bill Bungarth used to call it J Town, where he's like, I put your name in once and now all of a sudden I'm. I'm constantly J Town with these, you know.

[B]

Well, very quick, before you get into it, I. I made a joke, like to a buddy of mine about I keep getting advertisements for shirts that like, cover up your fat. And so. And it's like, my algorithm on YouTube is very, like, depressing at this point. But I was talking about it. And now, because I was like, I keep getting these you're too fat, wear different shirts ads. And now my algorithm is fully like, hey, fat, I know you're fat.

[A]

Like, same dude. And you make one joke or even a half comment that you're like, I don't even care, but this is it. Then they also start marketing to where it seems like, like, they're talking. And I'm like, don't market it like this. You guys are close, but it's offensive how you're doing it. I. I'm not like you guys.

[B]

You know what? I always think that when you order something.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they're just like, spam him. I'm like, I'm out. I bought your product.

[A]

I'll tell you what else. I do that with politicians.

[B]

Oh, completely, Completely.

[A]

I, you know, I donate to the things. I'm like, I'm in when you write me. So, Jake, I knew. I mean, I literally will go, not only that, but now I hate your guts. Stop texting me.

[B]

You know the. When you get a text from a number you don't know and you go, who could this be? And then it's just like, gareth, it's Bernie Sanders. Democracy is going to die this evening. And I'm like, bernie, get out.

[A]

Yeah, Bernie, we're friends.

[B]

We had a nice thing for a little while.

[A]

It's over enough.

[B]

It's over.

[A]

I agree with this.

[E]

Leave me alone.

[A]

Really pisses me off.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, my brother did to me as a prank, which he will not admit, but one day he will admit because he's claiming it's not true. But I get a bunch of stuff right now from politicians that say, like, hey, Dan, I think he donated, but put my phone number.

[B]

That's crazy to do because what's h.

[A]

Like, I'll literally get a bunch of t. Be like, hey, Dan, I'm a. Like a third seat congressman in witch. And I'm like, why am I getting this? You know me, I love hunting. Where I'm like, huh? And then I reached out to him and I go, dan, are you pranking me? And he goes like, I would never. But I'm like, well, you also did used to. I told you when he used to. When I'd move into a new place, get really graphic.

[B]

Oh, yeah. He'd send you. Yep.

[A]

But like, yeah, you know, big, heavy blanks.

[B]

Yeah, Holes.

[A]

I like them.

[B]

Holes magazine.

[A]

Disgusting. Like, where you're like, jesus, really graphic. And so I would move. I was living with Aaron, my wife. We've moved into our first place together and all of a sudden with my full name on it and the address, the mailman's dropping them off in those little plastic things. And I had to be like, hey, man, just so you know, my brother does pranks and the guy's like crazy. He's like, all good, man.

[B]

Everyone's brother's pranking him with those.

[A]

I'm like, but I swear on my life.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, no, of course you don't like it. Your brother's pranking you.

[A]

No, I don't even open it is what I'm saying. I throw them, right?

[B]

Of course not. Yeah, as you should, man. Hey, either way,

[A]

that's literally what happened to me for years, you know who

[B]

the Dan Levy, our friend who's a stand up. Not. Not from Schitt's Creek, our other friend. Nice mug. He played some pranks on me back in the day that were insane. And one of them was he put my number on Craigslist. This is insane. He put my number on Craigslist and he said, I'm auditioning people for a new hot political show in one minute. Leave me a voicemail with your political take. And he didn't tell me. And so I just would be ignoring calls and it would be people just like, you know, I think the thing about Ron Paul. Look, Ron Paul is like Lord of the ring. And I'd go, what? I'd be like, what? And then it was like 10 days later, he's like, if you'd be getting some weird voicemails, that is a great prank.

[A]

He got me on something similar to Michael Angarano, but it wasn't as thought out as that. We were doing something where we were talking years ago and I think we did it on social media or something happened. And so I just posted on Instagram or Twitter, whatever it was at the time, and I gave his email and I said, hey everybody, it's his birthday. We just wish him a happy birthday. And he emailed me back and he was like, hey bro, not funny. And then sent a screen grab in there, hundreds emails. And I was like, I mean it is funny, but it's also not like it's an move. But that damn is so funny.

[B]

That long is. There's some long term damage there. Yeah, because that is like I got to change my email and then you've

[A]

got to email everybody you have a

[B]

new email which is the Berg did that. Berg went from whatever His. His old one used to be to. Now he's got that crazy ass. Like, yeah, like he's got a crazy email now.

[A]

It used to be Bergmaster, like 5,000.

[B]

Yes. And then that got blown up. And then so now he's like, got the weirdest one where I'm always like, what? And I'll, like, email burg master 5000 sometimes. And he'll just go, hey, yeah, that sounds good. Also, can you make sure to email this one? And I'm like, seems like this one's still a little active, to be honest.

[A]

By the way, our boy Berg, I don't know if you've talked to him lately. Crushing. He's blowing up.

[B]

He's great.

[A]

He's getting.

[B]

You're talking about the TV work.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's some more stuff.

[B]

Is that right?

[A]

Yes, that's right. I'm not gonna say anything about it, but to this audience. And look, I don't like to take credit. I do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not a bragger. I am. You are. And I give you the same credit. You're not a bragger. You are. You don't like to take credit. You do.

[B]

I have less. I make a bigger deal about it.

[A]

Who cares? It doesn't matter what you have. It matters how much you brag.

[B]

And that's a lot. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Because bragging's the best. So Burke's career really seemed to have a bump after something that this community did. And that's a little thing called the calendar. Gareth. Now, is that accurate? Probably not. Is that the spin job two car salesmen are gonna do for our dealership?

[B]

I don't think so, but you should. You've got to be bad cop.

[A]

Let's do this. Let's do a little IMDb. There was. He's always working. Steve Berg is an unthinkably funny actor. He's always grinding, but he had a little dip. Yeah.

[B]

Well, let me. I'll do it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Mike's Hard Lemonade. Nothing. We're here to help. Tons of stuff.

[A]

Not accurate.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I'll. I'll sign on the dotted line if you want to.

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

I'm ready.

[C]

We're in the office.

[A]

Let's Corsica. We blow them up, baby. We get 30%. Everybody enjoy the show. We got a fun one today.

[B]

Hello.

[F]

Hey there.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

How are you?

[A]

Good.

[F]

How are you?

[B]

Good, thanks. Pretty serious tone so far. Can we get your name, please?

[F]

Yeah, it's Maria.

[B]

There it is. I am Maria. Where are you calling from, Maria?

[F]

I'm calling From Iowa.

[B]

Beautiful. Whereabouts?

[F]

Cedar Rapids.

[B]

Yeah, I've been there.

[A]

Rapids a lot, too.

[B]

Yeah, I played a real weird banquet hall in Cedar Rapids about a year and a half ago.

[F]

I'm sure you did. Oh, I was there.

[A]

Oh, wow. Maria, how was the show?

[F]

It was good.

[A]

Good. Yeah. Maria, what's up?

[F]

All right. So I sometimes work for my parents. Addict. Because I work from home. I have been ever since the pandemic. And so I'm with my parents and my mom. I didn't request this. Decides to make me lunch sometimes. So she comes upstairs while I'm on my Zoom meeting.

[B]

Sorry, there is a question that we didn't ask that we sometimes. How old are you, Maria? I think I'm 39.

[F]

I'm 39.

[B]

That's a helpful. Okay.

[A]

That helps, actually, a lot.

[B]

Okay, go ahead.

[F]

Yeah, sorry.

[B]

No, it's not your fault. Go ahead.

[F]

Yeah. So, yeah, she decided to take upon herself to make me these lunches and she'll interrupt my Zoom meetings by coming upstairs in the attic. And my mom's not known for wearing undergarments either, so it's really scary to see, like, what she'll present herself with. But she comes upstairs with these, I call them kind of stoner bowls. It's like a stoner paradise of like hot dogs, Doritos, cheese, anything. Anything but the kitchen sink. And she wants me to eat them. Or, you know, she's very proud of herself. But I. I can't. My mom's amazing.

[B]

She's right. I have two questions right off the bat. What are the outer garments? What?

[C]

What's the outer garment?

[A]

A big shirt.

[B]

Yeah, that's a picturing, like a nightgown.

[A]

Just a big ass shirt.

[F]

Well, it's. It's usually like. She worked at the hospital for 40 years, so it's cut off scrubs.

[A]

That's cool.

[F]

So it's like. It's cool, just oversized, cut off scrub.

[C]

Not cool.

[A]

I kind of like Mom. What? What's Mom's first? Yeah, Mom.

[F]

I call her Share Bear.

[A]

Share Bear, for sure. I could definitely chill with Share Bear in those fucking goofy ass snacks.

[B]

And trust me, keep them away from your mom. I've learned that the hard way. Maria, now, are you. It's seriously like a hot dog with Doritos and crazy. We've got some pictures whenever you guys

[A]

want to see 100. Let's see. Let's. I don't think we need to edge this one,

[B]

Gareth.

[A]

What are we looking at here?

[B]

We're looking at the salad of the day, which I'M praying those aren't grapes. But it looks like lettuce.

[A]

Okay, Those are grapes.

[B]

It looks like lettuce are the tips

[A]

of a hot dog.

[B]

Well, okay, you're right. Thank God it's grapes, I guess. Lettuce, grapes. A Mexican blend of cheeses, chicken and some kind of sauce. Some kind of whitey sauce.

[A]

And then with a Dr. P in the back. Those are the hot dogs.

[B]

Shit, this is bad. This one's bad.

[A]

Nachos, baby.

[B]

They're technically, we've got. Yeah, we've got some nachos again, some cheese, some. I don't know, like maybe fresco cheese as well. And hot dogs and cut up hot dogs. I mean, it really is college high.

[A]

You know what that reminds me of a little bit of how chop suey was created. Just whatever the. In the fridge.

[B]

Yeah, just trash plate.

[A]

Sherry's just going like this. Ah, you know what? Let me grab a little bit of this, a little bit of that, throw it in the microwave and boom.

[B]

Hot dogs as a choice is wild. Yeah, those are gross. They are. They are gross. And so it. We'll keep going. But I'm assuming the issue is that your co workers are seeing this versus your not wanting this.

[A]

So.

[F]

Yeah, I mean, that is the issue. But my real, like, my question is, though, like, how do I tell my mom to stop making these stoner bowls without hurting her feelings? Like, she thinks she's being mom of the year. Everything with a food pyramid in that bowl and I can't choke it down.

[A]

What? Period?

[B]

Yeah. Honestly, I don't.

[F]

Protein in there. And fruit. She's very proud of her.

[A]

So, Maria, let's do this. I'm going to put you on the spot just because I think it's going to help a little bit. At least help me. This is a hell of a set, if it's very clear. But what is the specific question we could try to help you with today?

[F]

Yes, I want to let my mom down nicely and be like, please stop making me these bowls. But I'm afraid of hurting her feelings, so.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah. Like dialogue or script I could deliver to her because right now it's really hard for me not to just be like, cherry. What the f. Stop making me.

[A]

Yeah, I get it.

[F]

I'm going to die.

[A]

You took away my first pitch.

[B]

Same.

[A]

I literally wrote down, Sherry, what the. I'm gonna die here. Honey, you want to go back to the hospital and take care of my body? I'm 39, I got two kids, I'm working out of an attic.

[B]

Thank God, you got scrubs on. I'm gonna need them.

[A]

Yeah. Pull me out by my ankles. Babe.

[B]

My first pitch was going to be a way to just hide it from the co workers and then.

[A]

No, I know. She's. Yeah. All right, so Murray, this makes sense. So really, a little bit of backstory as we're just trying to get a little sense of this. How long have you been back living with mom? Are the kids living with you too? What's going on?

[F]

No. So like I live two miles down the road. It's just that I don't have space in my house for an office.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[F]

So I go to my parents house, just have like an old school attic. Yeah, it's just work, so. But. But she tries to have my kids eat it too when they come over there.

[A]

So I guess. But. But that. But by the way, we can't touch that. No, I. I learned the hard way. Whatever a grandma wants to do with the grandkids, get out of that. Let that insane dynamic work together. But that really helps that you're only there from nine to five.

[F]

Exactly.

[A]

First pitch. And we're gonna get better than this. Show up with a bag lunch. Old school brown bag. I don't hate it, Mom. Go, Sharon. She goes. How you doing, babe? I'm just boiling you hot dogs for lunch. You go. My goddamn husband is starting to make me bag lunches. I gotta eat this. Why? For my 40th birthday, he wants me to get blood work done.

[B]

What?

[A]

I gotta. Mom, you're not gonna believe this stuff I'm eating. Celery and vegetables. No hot dogs and gross cheeses. Just healthy stuff. Mom, you're not gonna believe it. I'm in hell. But I can't have any snacks. I made a promise.

[B]

I can't. I can't eat Mexican cheese and hot do little while.

[A]

I can't. I can't. Iowa nachos. Those are called Iowa nachos.

[C]

Those are.

[B]

Yeah. That is. It is offensive.

[A]

I lived in Iowa for two years. I went to University of Iowa and while I was in college, that. No way.

[F]

Yeah, man.

[A]

You ever go to George's Bar? You ever go to the dead?

[F]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[A]

Absolutely.

[E]

I look down the street from it.

[A]

Me too. What's up with neighbor? But. So the first pitch is you're 39 years old on your 40th birthday. You are making some changes. And so you're. You and your husband are doing bag lunches. Here's another thing. If you don't want to do the age thing, you go, mom, we're doing a thing in our house where we're all doing bag lunches together. And this is something Eve J. Used to make us do, where we would have to make bag lunches. Our lunches, like, four months in advance and store them in the freezer. So you just make a ton of lunches for the kids. And you got them, too. And you just show your mom there. When you get there, you go, like, share bear. I got the thing. Thanks for the Iowa nachos, but it's a pass.

[B]

I. I like that. I definitely. I. I was. My first thought was a similar vibe, but I would probably go post doctor and I would say, you talk to the doctor. We could do a voicemail for you that you could play. You've got to kind of clean up your diet a little bit. So you're going to do something. You could say you're doing keto, where you have fasting windows. And so you're not eating 500 hot dogs. You're not eating for the fasting window.

[C]

So you're not eating.

[B]

When you' over there because you're fasting, you apologize. My other thought was maybe you could set, you know, similarly, however, we motivate the. I'm trying to watch what I eat. But you could. And the only problem with this is you're putting too much on your plate. But you could bring her, like, a gross, simple salad and be like, that's what I've started to eat. And maybe try to neutralize that we're feeding each other space by that. Motivating, like, you know what? Well, let's just. We have different diets. Let's just take care of it.

[A]

Let's just call it. We're both going crazy with getting each other.

[B]

Yeah. What do we do?

[A]

I got two pitches for you, Maria. Number one, fake choke on a hot dog and then go, mom, this chunk got stuck. I don't know what happened. And she'll go, what? And you go, I'm just gonna eat my own applesauce. Kind of. I don't know what happened. And two, rather than say keto and fasting, which I think you were right on because your mother's older, we could confuse her. What if you say you're on the chimp diet and we create a fake diet, which is like, you know, a fad that you saw on Instagram, where it's like, all you eat is bananas, greens, no proteins besides, like, beans. But you're like, it's crazy. It's called the chimp diet. It's how to get a chimp body in six months. I don't know. It's so stupid. I'm just doing a chimp diet so I can't eat tortillas. Why? Because chimpanzees in the wild don't have tortillas.

[B]

Have you ever seen a fan chimp?

[A]

Yeah, it's only. And you go. She goes, what is this? You go, it's this like new fade that's coming out that I don't know, it's insane. But it's. All these supermodels are doing the chimp diet. So it's only eat what a chimp would eat in the wild because chimps are in the foraging, foraging. But every once in a while a chimp could eat something different.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'll tell you what a chimp can't get is Iowa nachos. And she will get so confused. She'll go, I don't even know what to make you. You go, mom, I'm. Listen, it's easier if I just make my own. Thank you. And then if she brings it up, go like this. Oh man, this is so tempting. But it's not on the chimp diet.

[C]

I think. Yeah.

[B]

If you own it and be like, mom, I'm being a pain in the ass. I know, but this is, the chimp thing is so straightforward and it's so.

[A]

And also, mom, it's so popular right

[B]

now and cheap and. But everybody's doing it.

[A]

Yeah, go ahead.

[F]

My only problem is she's the typical like 70 year old that's always on Facebook. So she's gonna try to Google it because that's. Facebook is life.

[A]

Yeah, but that's fine.

[F]

She won't be able to find it.

[A]

Well, that's because you say you're searching the wrong places.

[B]

Yeah, you could say it's, you could say it's a specific dietitian you subscribe to an app that they've just started.

[A]

She goes, I can't find you. I don't know what to tell you.

[B]

Yeah, like, yeah, it's everywhere.

[A]

You're. You might, might not be that old lady.

[B]

Jake. Jake's right. In the sense that I guarantee you if I had to have that conversation with either of my parents, I would be able to be like, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. What are you using Google?

[A]

Yeah, the Internet's massive, you know.

[C]

Yeah, it's huge.

[B]

AIs ruined a lot of these search searches. I mean, you know, mom, did you even understand? I like, I would say that's probably my number one, too. I have one more for you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Wolf down one of these hot dog plates from hell, and you fake a food poisoning and you tell her, sorry, love you. I'm off the eating while I'm here.

[A]

No, because I can't risk it. I missed three meetings on the can.

[B]

Yep, yep.

[F]

That's a really good one, because she has a fear of that.

[A]

Yeah. So it's. Okay. So here's what we got. Food poisoning. Chimp diet.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

Bag lunches, choke on a dog. What was the other one we had, Gareth?

[B]

We had. Or is that kind of fasting window?

[A]

Oh, the fasting window, but that also goes into chimp diet.

[B]

I think that's chimp. You know, the truth is, not to cut you up, but I think you could do food poisoning into chimp diet if you wanted to.

[F]

Yeah, I like that.

[A]

Like, how official you say that.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Like it's not one of the dumbest things you've ever.

[B]

If you told me nine minutes ago, that would sound logical. I just said, you're crazy.

[A]

Here's why we've done this. Too much is that we think we are 10% doctors.

[B]

I'm going to go higher than that.

[A]

You're going this. All right, let's just do this. Let's do the wolf down the food. Food poison, Go to chimp diet. I think that's going to work.

[B]

All right, so to get you out of the hot dog quagmire, what we're going to do is we're going to recommend a fake food poise. We're going to go into the chimp diet. You're getting the point.

[A]

You're not even having fun with it. It's just you're actually giving a prescription. All right, here you go.

[F]

I'm at, like, telehealth right now.

[B]

Take that to Rite Aid. They should fill that for you right away.

[A]

Yeah, you'll be just fine. All right, Maria, thanks so much.

[B]

Call, we got.

[A]

Take another one.

[B]

I schedule something on your way out.

[A]

Okay, let's.

[B]

Let's make sure we get this all fine.

[A]

And she's writing down chimp diet. W. Diet.

[B]

Yeah. Her mom's gonna see her notebook and be like, what the.

[A]

I mean, if you saw my notebook, it says, Maria, Iowa. 39, two kids, bag lunches, choke on hot dog. A chimp diet, Wolf dog, plate, food poison. These are the scribbles of a maniac.

[B]

No. If people ever find our notebooks, they are going to be like, find them.

[A]

And then at the top it says, share bear.

[B]

I Got share Bear, too. I was going to point out. I do have that in my notes.

[A]

Maria, what are you thinking? What do you think? What are you going to do here? I think we got some winners.

[B]

So.

[F]

Yeah, I. Yeah, I really agree. I think when you said food poisoning, that's spot on. Because this woman, like, if you were to come over and you were to have, like, let's say, like a pizza, but you left it on the counter for more than 10 minutes, it would already be in the garbage. Because she's terrified of. Of food contamination. So if I told her I had food poisoning, she would lose her mind. Yeah.

[B]

For someone prepping those meals to be like, I really just are terrified of food poisoning. Have some hot dogs and cheese.

[A]

Yeah, but that. I mean, so that works. Maria, let's start with the food poisoning. And from that, are you good to. Then bring some bag lunches and go, like, I'm just eating really solid, and all you need is a few days where she doesn't make food, and then you broke the cycle. Then if she brings something up, you just go like this, Bob, it's okay. It's okay. And go, I love you. I love you, but I'm just worried about the food poisoning. Or if you don't want her to Google chimp diet, which is also fair, you could go food poisoning into. I can't risk it because I missed some meetings. So I'm actually. I eat before work and I eat after. I'm actually not eating during work. If anything, I bring a bag almonds that I always have. I just leave up there and I just snack when I need to.

[F]

All right, I like that, too. Because then it's like a physical thing that she can see that I'm eating because otherwise she'd be worried that I wasn't eating.

[A]

Yeah. And what she could do, if she really wants, is she could refill the almonds before you get there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because sometimes she just wants to do something.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

That doesn't help. She might come in with no underpants on, though. So.

[F]

Yeah, that's a.

[G]

That's.

[A]

That's a twofold. Yeah, but I gotta say that's a second call, because this will. This will fix the food. Yes, I believe. But if then mom keeps popping up, then we gotta do another thing where we fake a meeting. She comes in the background and you say, mom, they saw your butt.

[F]

Yeah, no, that's. That's happened.

[A]

And I'm getting in trouble because, Mom, I was on a meeting, they saw your crack, and I'm in A I'm in a world of trouble. They said that we did it on purpose. They're making it seem like I'm a pervert.

[B]

They did a meme. We can make some memes for you.

[A]

Oh, if we made a fake.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

HR is involved.

[B]

Yeah, Just a couple memes. They're passing these around.

[A]

You know, we could do Maria, which would be really fun, is if you staged a photo with her in the background that you didn't realize it was being staged on. And you took a photo of her behind you and you said you made a fake meme and you go, mom, you can't keep coming up there like this. Look at what happened. They're all sending this around work and, and it has like some like joke line on it about like mom's nachos. Yeah. It's like, ew. And she's like, oh my God. And you like, mom, this is like somebody, somebody sent me this at work. I don't know who started it. You cannot come in the background with no underpants on.

[B]

I think that's fair. I think that is a fair follow up too. But that's if we get there.

[A]

Yeah, if we get there.

[B]

Yeah. But the food wise, I think you're going to be good to go.

[G]

Yeah.

[F]

Food poisoning and chimp diet.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you as happy as we are with this one?

[F]

No, I truly am. I think it'll be good. Share Bear. Hopefully we'll stop making those because it'll work. I can't. Yeah. I might die if I keep eating them.

[A]

If not, come in and talk to us and we'll do a follow up on this. Yeah, we could, we could figure this one out.

[B]

Schedule something on your way out right now and we'll, we'll see in maybe

[A]

a couple weeks, three months.

[B]

Three months or something like that.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Thank you.

[B]

I don't know what's funny. Thanks, Maria. Thank you so much.

[F]

I appreciate it.

[B]

We're doctors now, not lawyers. We're doctors.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Bye.

[C]

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[B]

Hello.

[E]

Hello.

[B]

Hi, how are you?

[E]

I'm doing well. How are you guys?

[B]

Great, thank you very much. Can we get your name, please?

[E]

Yeah, my name is Heath. He's 25.

[B]

Great. And where are you calling from, Heath?

[E]

I'm calling from Brooklyn.

[C]

Beautiful.

[E]

In a stairwell.

[B]

Actually, you're in a Brooklyn stairwell, which is how I pretty much picture living in New York for the most part.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Pretty similar.

[B]

Heath, you have roommates.

[E]

I do have roommates. I have two. My call is actually about one of my roommates.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

So since we started living together, we went to college together and we're like, we were kind of acquaintances. Not super close, I'd say, in college. And so we started living together and he kind of like, you know, we had that sort of male friendship where we weren't really, like, talking about a lot of stuff.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

And coming out from confrontational. And so one time he, like, I need to give a bit of backstory, but one time he took these, like, wooden spatulas that I had and used them for, like, a chef's costume for Halloween. And then he lost these spatulas. Then this other time, he, like, has taken all the chairs from our apartment to, like, throw a Party on the roof. But, like, didn't say anything about it either. And I brought this up to my roommate, my other roommate, kind of recently, and she mentioned that he had taken some of her things from the living room and just like moved them into his room as like decor, but like never mentioned anything about it. And I saw that he like, did the same thing for me. And so the problem that I've kind of run into is like, how do I talk to this guy when we've gotten into this like weird non confrontational space, like both of us, about like this weird sort of behavior where he's just not even telling me that he wants to use things of mine and we'll just like take them.

[B]

What should we call this guy? Should we just give him a name? You want to just give us a name?

[A]

He's.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, you can call him Cody.

[D]

Cody.

[A]

Okay, so let me just try to get this clear because I'm a. I got a little bit thrown with the party on the roof and that stuff. So Cody just takes your stuff, like your furniture and doesn't ask for it and you guys never talk about it?

[E]

Yeah, like the spatulas he took for this costume, which maybe it was like last minute, but then he lost the spatulas. And the only reason I found out is because he like had them on an Instagram post. So I was like, oh, I forgot those were gone.

[A]

Oh, understood. I got you. But he didn't replace it or bring it. What else has he taken?

[E]

When I brought it up,

[A]

Heath, what else has he taken? That's yours.

[E]

So he lost his spatulas. He broke this chair. He broke another cup that I have, and then it was like a set of two. And now the other one is just sitting in his room and he's like storing his keys in it. Like it's a little catch all tray. And so that's like the most recent thing that I noticed where I was like, I don't know how to approach this guy about it. And what it seems like it's a pattern.

[A]

It is a pattern. And what is his vibe kind of describe him. And what is your guys's relationship? You know, I. I used to live in New York and I had the weirdest of all roommates. I moved every nine months. So, you know, it depends on the situation of how we can pitch on this.

[B]

Why did you move so much? Just because.

[A]

Cheap rent. Okay. Just always looking for. I was never on a lease.

[B]

That tracks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Paper trail.

[A]

Yeah, man. So he. Can you kind of break down what's going on between you and Cody, what the dynamic is, what's happening in that apartment and also what part of Brooklyn we live in?

[E]

Bushwick.

[A]

Oh, I lived in Bushwick off the M train. Koskio school.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

That is

[E]

all right.

[F]

Area.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, so.

[E]

So we knew each other in college. He's cool. We kind of, like, ended up living together because we both needed a roommate at the same time. So it just, like, worked out well. And I knew he was, like, a nice guy and that we would get along well. So he's. He's pretty clean and, like, he's a good person to live with. So I do want to, like, maintain the, like, peace of the household because we. Yeah, we are gonna move somewhat soon this year, and so, like, I want him to still be my.

[B]

You do?

[E]

Well, I. Man, like. Like you said, Jake, like, roommates can be so insane here that I'm like, this guy's not that crazy.

[A]

I understand. If you got a good. Good enough thing working, don't mess with it. Don't roll the die.

[E]

Exactly. But he's like, really? I hardly see him because he's in his room all the time.

[A]

I get this.

[B]

That's all the good is.

[E]

So, yeah. Great roommate.

[A]

You want to hear a really weird roommate situation really fast, and I'll do the whole story in under two minutes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

When I first moved to New York, I was in the old Bed Stuy, which was really tough and scary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I had a. I moved in with this, like, goth girl who never talked. But you were, like, all black. Had the eyeliner. We did. She. We were not social at all together. And I didn't have any furniture. I just had a couch I was sleeping on and my little, like, writing table. But the bathroom. You had to go into my room to get to the bathroom, and you had to go through my room to get to the kitchen. God, awful, awful. One night I was up till about 7am and I woke up at, like, 8 because I had to go to. I was so tired, and I was taking a shower, and I was bending over and I stood up too fast. And when I stood up, I scratched my back on the faucet. And then because I was bleeding, I tried to get out of the bathroom. And because of the change of temperature, I fainted. Totally naked. About 180 lab lbs hitting the ground. Thump on my front butt open to the air. Back, bloody back, buddy. I was out for probably 10 minutes, real time. When I came to, I realized this roommate had walked in, turned off the shower, walked past me, got her coffee, and left for work.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

What the.

[B]

There is.

[A]

Didn't check on me. Just she heard, walks in, turns the shower off, gets coffee, sees my big old body laying on the ground with a bloody back, and goes like this, off to work. So Cody is stepping over.

[B]

Stepping over you to turn the shower off. Shows some level of understanding.

[A]

She'd know. She didn't want to pay for the water.

[B]

I know, but it's like she. She is able to have concern, just not empathy.

[A]

Oh, he's dead. Hopefully somebody the cops come went on.

[B]

I gotta get out of here.

[A]

I gotta go to that coffee. I gotta go to that coffee shop I work at. I'm groggy, crazy, so. Wow. I. I agree. We want to keep Cody.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I. I mean, we.

[B]

Everybody who's lived with multiple roommates empathizes to the idea of, like, look, nobody's perfect. You live with someone, you find the thing. So this, to me, feels like we can do it with a nudge into a chat, an action, maybe into a conversation. I don't know. Is there anything else you want to get out there, Heath?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

The only other thing that I would say is, like, what throws me the most about this is that he just won't mention anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

I'm not even that mad about the things that have happened. Like, mistakes happen. I can forgive it. But, like, if you want to use my thing in your room, why are you just taking it? And then the times that I have confronted him about things, maybe he's, like, kind of rectified the situation. But even the apologies are like, that kind of apology. Like, yeah, like when a kid is playing and they want to get back to playing. So you're like, all right, it's fine.

[A]

I get it. I get it. I know that exact apology.

[B]

Like, as you're in the middle of still explaining, they're like, all right, cool. Got it. And you're like, let me get this out there.

[A]

Yeah. A forced apology. Yeah, Sorry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, sorry. Sorry if I pissed you off.

[B]

Sorry I had such a great chef outfit. See you around town.

[A]

Sorry you got sensitive that I rolled, but sorry. Okay, so this is an interesting one. He. The specific question is, how do we confront Cody in a way that keeps it gentle but lets him know, please stop stealing my stuff? Is that correct?

[E]

Yeah. Or just, like, ask.

[A]

Yes. So here's what I would maybe do. I'm going to go a mile to walk a block.

[B]

I'm similar. Go ahead.

[A]

I would say, hey, man, I Might have to contact the landlord. And he'll go, why? And you go, I think someone's been breaking in.

[B]

This is pretty good already.

[A]

And he goes, what do you mean? I go, shit's been missing my spatula.

[B]

Chairs.

[A]

Chairs are getting. Chairs are getting broke. And no one's talking to me. So, like. And you go, like. And I know you, Cody. You're not crazy. So if you broke my chair, you would tell me. Me and I didn't break it. And we're not throwing parties here. So I think somebody's coming in and doing this stuff. And you start mentioning the stuff that has happened and go, before I contact him, is there anything that's been really strange for you or that you're missing? And then go. Because what I might end up doing if this landlord doesn't help is setting up cameras, because I'm getting really spooked

[B]

and we should probably all pitch in.

[A]

Yes, but this idea where he starts going, like, he wants to set up cameras in the common space. And you go, I don't want to, man. But, like, things are happening that aren't explained.

[B]

I like that. I mean, that.

[C]

That's kind of a.

[B]

That's a way to force the confession. I've got.

[A]

I'll.

[B]

I'll get. I think that's pretty good, honestly. And I do think if you say cameras and you're like, we should all pitch in, because this is fucking crazy. I want evidence that then has a financial hook that probably great.

[A]

Not gonna be interested in.

[B]

Here's one.

[A]

I.

[B]

This isn't flushed out fully, but something where you're like, can I get a. Can you say to both your roommates, hey, I'm thinking of. I mean, again, I'm not finished here. I'm thinking of throwing, like, a Halloween party next year or Halloween in July. Can you guys get me a picture of your costumes last year so I can make, like, a little Evite for it? And then when you see the picture of him in the chef costume, you go, go, are those this. My spatulas. I was looking for those. And that prompts you into the conversation.

[A]

That's interesting.

[B]

My other pitch is take two of his pillows off his bed and just start putting them in your room and using them.

[A]

So I was gonna go there, Gareth. I was gonna go. I wrote down, start stealing from him so that there is a phantom thief.

[B]

Well, then it goes like.

[E]

Yeah, I do feel like something with, like, the phantom thief feels more relevant. And I'm only saying that because with the other two pitches. Yeah, the Problem is that he knows that I know about some of it. Like in front of him, about the spatulas I confronted him about.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Taken from the living room. It's like we've just never discussed.

[A]

Okay, so then here's what you've got to do. Start stealing his stuff. And he's at first gonna go like that son of a. And then he might retaliate and steal more of your stuff, but then you need to steal more of his stuff, and what you're hoping for is essentially the Cold War.

[B]

It's. I was just gonna say it's an arms race. Yeah.

[A]

Because what you want to have happen is without talking about it, he goes, that son of a is crazy. He'll bomb my whole country. And you go, that son of a bitch is crazy. And you both go, okay, nobody steals anything. And something's missing from you. Something's missing from him.

[B]

You know what the nuke is? The nuke is when you start eating someone else's food. If you start, like, eating his food and using his food, that's when you're just kind of going, well, I just don't know what the line is here.

[A]

And bathroom products.

[B]

Yeah, leave the shower gel open.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, but I think I. Yeah, I would just send that message, and he'll probably say something, and that's when you get to say, well, yeah, you took my spatulas for a chef outfit,

[A]

and you weren't stopping. What do you think about the Cold War idea?

[E]

Yeah, I don't hate it. I think. Do you. Do you guys think I start stealing stuff from, like, his room? Because so far, he hasn't gone into my room, and that's, like, a line I don't want to read.

[A]

No, no, no. You start with it. You do exactly what he's done. So he stole your spatula. Figure out what he uses in the kitchen a lot. If he's got a thing where. If he's like, he's a pasta guy, right? Get the strainer, throw it in the dumpster.

[C]

Or. Or.

[B]

Or, you know what's always bad is, like, you'd have, like, a bowl that's yours that you love and then the roommate's coffee mug. Yeah. So whatever he has a real affinity for. Start using that.

[A]

You. No, no, don't use Gareth throw. Make it disappear.

[B]

Okay, all right. Yeah, make it disappear.

[A]

Because then he goes, have you seen my muggy? Going this? Yeah, I brought it to a party and it broke.

[B]

Or do you have a. Does he have a mug or a bowl that he loves most of the,

[E]

like, stuff in our kitchen is mine.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

That I think would matter like that. But I. I feel like he does have, like, those, like, blender bottles that he uses to go to the gym and, like, take up a protein shake.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

And I could just, like, hide that somewhere.

[A]

Or, you know, you could do. Hide the tops that. Hide.

[B]

Hiding the tops is great. Or the little shaker guy in there.

[A]

Yeah. So that he goes, like, I can't use this. And you go, I hear you. I can't use my spatula because you are a goddamn chef. How about.

[B]

Look, and after a couple weeks, why don't you put one of those protein shakers in the kitchen with pencils and pens or something like that? Like, you're just like, yeah, it's a utility now. Go ahead, though, Jake.

[A]

Yeah, that's interesting. So, Heath, what are you thinking?

[E]

I kind of like that idea. What if I also, like. I take the things and I just make them disappear for, like, a month at a time.

[A]

I love this.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And then they appear. Like the top of the thing just appears, like, literally on his bed. Like the. Like the horse. Yes. And he just goes, like, when.

[E]

Once he's finally lost hope for it ever returning.

[A]

Yeah. Once he buys a new. Once he buys a new one, you bring the old one back, and then you hide something from the new one so that he goes to you one day. And this is what we're hoping for, Heath. He goes, hey, man, could you stop stealing my. And you go, yeah. Could you stop stealing my. And he goes, yeah, fine. And you go, how about this? Let's not steal each other's.

[B]

That's what I was gonna ask. So I think that's better. Making it so you're like, yeah, I've been trying to sort of show you what it feels like to not have control of your stuff.

[E]

Yeah, I like this.

[A]

I do, too. Are you gonna do it?

[E]

I think I can do it. I don't think it's, like, too. Too evil.

[A]

No, look, now, it's not nice, but he's stealing from you.

[B]

Yeah. He started it. I mean, you're just trying to kind of level it out.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, hell, man, good luck. Let us know what happens.

[B]

Go for it.

[A]

Look, it's it. This one is kind of. It is what it is, man. Yeah, it'. You know, you don't want to do a big confrontation. We don't want to leave notes. You didn't. You. You don't want to do the. Go to the landlord and say, so what you were kind of driving us towards what it seemed like you wanted was just take a. So, yeah, man, just take a. I. I think it's.

[B]

We're validating and I think, yeah, you go for it. This is the right move. I mean, some action is better than.

[A]

It ain't gonna feel good, though. Now what you could do, it might. Yeah, but take his and save it so you can give it back. But what you're trying to do is little consequence.

[B]

Yep.

[E]

Yeah, we're already at that level, so, like, just evening it out. I'm just retaliating now.

[C]

He.

[B]

You're calling a podcast about this. So it's time.

[A]

It's gotten that.

[B]

It is time for action. Feel validated. We see you take his protein shakers. He won't maybe, but do that and let us know.

[C]

Okay. And maybe if you can, for our

[B]

sake, take some pictures of the things you're taking just so we can have a list when we do a follow up and we can sort of see what's been going on here a little bit.

[E]

Okay, I can do that.

[A]

All right, buddy. Thanks, pal.

[B]

Thanks.

[E]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

All right. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Squarespace.

[C]

Oh, we love Squarespace. We use Squarespace on the show. I use Squarespace in my real life. All my websites, I have a bunch of them. They've been doing it for a long time. I've been working with Squarespace for a while because they are the best. It's how you build your own brand. They give you all the tools. They also give you ways to showcase what you're offering to people so that when people come to the website, they go, oh, whoa, this person's legitimate.

[A]

It.

[C]

So my personal website, Gareth Reynolds.com squarespace my film, giveitupfilm.com squarespace every everything is Squarespace. They have it all. They just keep growing and getting better because they know they're dominating and they know they're the only place to go. So they keep offering everything.

[A]

So go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10 off your first purchase of of a website or a domain. This episode has been brought to you by Wayfair. Wayfair is a place that has a bunch of different stuff to sell at discounted rates. I just bought one of those robot vacuums from them. I found it online and I found it on Wayfair for $200 cheaper. And I don't see a quality difference And I'm really into robot vacuums.

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Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's Wayfair. W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home this episode has been brought to you by the great Quince. Let me tell you a little bit about Quince clothing.

[C]

Really everything I wear that I love is Quince.

[A]

The black T shirt that I got from Quince I've been wearing for all my press.

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[I]

Yeah.

[A]

And we started talking about the podcast and we're going to have you on closer to the movie and do a full real episode. But okay, at the present you were getting mad at me about something.

[I]

Yeah, I'm, I'm starting to listen to your podcast I'm sorry I haven't listened to it.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Before, but I'm making up for lost time. And I listened to your one that I think you guys call. Is it crafting court or crochet court?

[A]

Right, yes, Crochet core. And Gareth, I'm going to tell you, a lot of people got really mad at us on the comments on this one. Okay, well, would it marry? The call was. It was just to remember all of us. It was somebody called in with a crochet problem, they wanted to charge their friend, right?

[B]

Oh, right.

[I]

And we, Sarah from Ottawa, horse loving, coffee loving.

[B]

Oh, no.

[I]

Yeah, agreed, Sarah. Yeah.

[A]

And then we decided what, we were gonna make it a. Like a people's court and go to court and have Steve Berg be the judge.

[I]

I know, but you're not explaining it very well.

[A]

Okay, you explain it.

[I]

Okay. She is into crafting. And she was made. She made a gift for a baby and her friend saw this little whatever it was, monkey or something like that that she crocheted and said, I want one of those. And so she. She said, well, what would you want? She would want an elephant. So for her friend, she starts doing this elephant. But. But they talked about it being kind of big, and she got like a third of the way through with it. And it was. I can't believe you guys don't remember.

[A]

Anyway, we've done a lot of these calls. I remember.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

Okay.

[I]

So then it was. It was $70 and she'd only just started. So then she started doing the math and realizing this was going to be really expensive and what should she do and how should she tell her friends and this person. You asked her to describe her worst trait, and her worst trait was that she was overly confident about directions. Okay, so this is a really nice

[D]

person,

[A]

by the way. You're right. That is a very great worst trait.

[I]

Yeah, like an angel.

[B]

That is an angel.

[A]

That is a very funny take, Mary. I didn't even think of that.

[I]

I know you didn't think about it. And here's the other thing. Before you guys started pushed into a court and calling her friends and, like scaring her friend to death about suddenly being on the radio, you didn't like, you instantly made her friend be on the radio. She had a meeting in like six minutes. And you go, okay, we have five minutes, let's do it now. And this, this woman had no clue what was happening to her.

[A]

You're right.

[I]

And I mean, all this was just so wrong. And the other thing I realized about it was right before you. You took the call from her, you and Gareth were. You guys were talking about fights you'd been in, like how many times you either beat someone up or got beaten up. Mostly got beaten up.

[B]

Got beaten up. It feels like we're being taken to court and just absolutely murdered. You are.

[A]

All right, keep going.

[I]

So then you're like surging with testosterone when you take the call and. And you take the call immediately. Make it this fight. And you assign yourself to be her lawyers and go to court and you call it crochet court. And these are like two Canadian friends who crochet and talk about. Oh, and the other thing you did, and this is probably what made people really mad, is you couldn't stop talking about how ugly it was. You especially garrus, you're like, that is so.

[A]

This is humiliating.

[B]

Oh, God. Right. Just coming up of a fight Gab is not good. This is called toxic masculinity. This is what that's.

[I]

It was. It was so toxic.

[A]

And then what happened, Mary?

[I]

Well, I don't know what ultimately happened

[A]

because we don't either. We haven't had a follow up with them yet.

[C]

Well, we should have.

[B]

Marianne from the following.

[I]

I didn't know if you. I'd missed the follow up.

[A]

Yes.

[I]

I just hope you didn't destroy a friendship because you took it straight from. It was just like, second her friend, by the way, you didn't use her name. They bleeped her name.

[A]

Yeah, pretty sure.

[I]

Because she was terrified of you guys.

[A]

Right?

[I]

And you're like toxic masculinity.

[A]

So can I read? What? And now it goes back to it. Stevie B. Gareth, it's the same comment that maybe Stevie B. Was. Was right.

[B]

Don't.

[A]

So this all started, Mary, where, you know, we're out here, we're trying our best, we're making these. We do a bunch of calls in a day and sometimes we go the wrong direction.

[B]

It happens.

[A]

We're trying our best. But can I read to you guys the response that we got? Really? Our first, like, very. Not our first, but our most angry take on what we've been doing that got a lot of people agreeing. We got a lot of emails about this. And so when Mary, you brought it up to me at the Apple Day about your frustration, I. I figured we might as well have you on to voices because I think there's a lot of people who agree with you. But that is hot take ever since the butthole waxing episode. Gareth, you want to tell Mary what? That was really fast.

[B]

I mean, I'D really rather not. Okay, well, Mary, I'm gonna do this as quickly as possible.

[I]

Why are you looking at me directly?

[C]

I just don't know where my camera

[B]

is in relation to yours. It's nothing to do with.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

Okay, so a gentleman called in. He'd been going to the steam room. When he'd been getting up out of the steam room, he'd noticed that the towel had been stained a little bit. We tried to figure out what was going on. By the way, we got a lot of heat because never at any point did we say, go to a doctor. Anyway, our pitch was wax your butt, get all the hair out of there, and maybe that'll clean it up. Now, let me point out that our pitch did work. I, as a move of solidarity, agreed to also get my back waxed. I got my front. I got my back waxed.

[A]

Waxed.

[B]

So this person is citing this as maybe our jump the shark moment where I got my butt waxed. He got his butt waxed. And so when he references that, that's what he's talking about.

[A]

Okay, so hot take. Ever since the butthole waxing episode, it seems like Jake and Gareth are getting away from helping people and focusing more on marketing people's problems for the show's benefit. I understand why, because it's hilarious, But I think they need to make sure they are focusing on helping people well, more than helping the show. The whole idea of getting advice at a bar is because you don't know that person. It's supposed to be. Here's my advice as an independent third party. Then somebody said, I totally agree. She called in to have them help with a solution, but it felt like involving the third party right away negates the premise. So, Mary, as another voice of disappointment in the job we have done, how do you.

[B]

This is tough.

[A]

Which. Which is a part of it. Guys, look. It's a part of it. This is an organic fluid situation. What would be your pitch? And I'm going to put you on the spot now of how, with this specific call, we could follow up with them and try to remedy the situation.

[I]

Okay, well, here's. I definitely would be able to answer this more accurately if it were a cross stitch or a needle point problem, because I've done both of those. I've never crocheted anything, but when you knit something, you can undo it, you know, and still have the yarn. So my question would be, what can she use what she has?

[A]

Right.

[I]

And. And make a small elephant that maybe costs $100.

[A]

Right.

[I]

And then. And then gift that. Or they can split it and each pay 50. But you, this other thing you did, you go, okay, you say to a friend, your friend is nervous about asking you for money for this. So what would you be comfortable paying? Would you be comfortable paying $30,000? That's where you start.

[A]

This is Jay, because I was going high, Mary. So now that was Jay, but now Mary. While that was happening, I sent a text to Natalie because I thought, Mary's my friend. She's putting us in a corner and, you know, as we work together, we're going to do another movie together and I hope we do a bunch of projects together. We like to mess with each other, other. And when we were doing press, we were like, you know what, let's just mess with each other and turn this into a fun thing. So as you were giving advice, I just texted, can you try and get the OG caller on? And she wrote, she's in the waiting room. Just didn't want to interrupt the flow. So let's bring her on, Mary and see what happens.

[I]

Sarah.

[A]

Is it Sarah?

[I]

I remember her name.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I didn't same. I remember she's here now.

[A]

Okay. Hey, Sarah, really fast. Where? This is kind of a follow up, but it's a special follow up. So we've got Mary Steenbergen here, the great actress. We star in the movie the Dink together. It's going to come out this summer. You got Gareth. But the reason we're doing this right now is Mary was very mad at how Gareth and I handled the call. Your call, your God. And she scolded me behind the scenes and so we brought her on, but she is here now.

[G]

Thank you so much for joining. Hi.

[A]

So could you, Sarah, recap a little bit what the problem was and where you're at? And we're gonna see if we can kind of. This isn't what I like to refer to as a little bit of a redo.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Okay. Oh, no. Okay.

[F]

Okay.

[G]

So I had promised my best friend to crochet a large animal and it ended up being more expensive than I was expecting. And I wanted a. Or I was asking guys for some help on advice on how to deal with that and be in a nice way, seeing if my best friend could chip in some money for it. And then they pitched going to crochet court, which was awesome. But my best friend just was not, not interested in going to court, if that. If that makes sense.

[C]

It makes.

[A]

Mary would agree with that. She just did the hands up and did a c Face.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So a loaded gesture. Yeah, a very loaded. Proofs in the pudding crochet court was stupid. And she only. Sarah said it was great to be nice, but it was not great.

[B]

And by the way, after hearing back from Mary, everything that transpired, it was like having someone read a transcript script. Yes, she's 100% right.

[C]

We.

[A]

Okay, it wasn't great. So then, Sarah, where are we at right now with the problem with the best friend? We are here to help you. And now we've got Mary to make sure that Gareth and I, who are both wearing matching black hoodies. And the only reason I took my hat off is we weren't fully twinsing out, talking about fights we've lost and bullying people like two.

[B]

Two bad adviced druids.

[A]

So, Sarah, take over for a second. Where are we at now? Believe me, you're in better hands. We've got the great Mary Steenbergen. She's an absolute killer. She's really smart. We're in good shape. Catch us up.

[G]

He can chip in. Help. And she felt bad. And then we just said, oh, this is a weird miscommunication on my end. And we were happy that you guys helped us reconnect over. I think we. I think we just. What do you say? Ran a mile to walk a block

[A]

or whatever you say, but it's feeling good.

[F]

Feeling good.

[G]

Yeah, like, I think, like, she's gonna send me some money to chip in. I think we said like a hundred dollars as you suggested. Okay, so you kind of broke the ice on the conversation, so I would

[A]

say it was a win. Is it? Hold on, Mary, hold on.

[I]

Wait, was I making and I told

[A]

you so face, but now I'm making one to you.

[I]

Oh, because you did in the end, help. Yes, yes. And listen, this is why you're so good at your job and why we all listen to you, but I don't think it's helpful to get yourselves all jacked up on testosterone before you take calls from women about crocheting.

[B]

Okay, that's a very valid point.

[C]

And Jake, let's be honest.

[B]

We're both shocked that it worked.

[A]

Yes, shocked.

[I]

Shocked.

[C]

After hearing it back.

[B]

I mean, I'm absolutely. I. I had my apology ready to come.

[A]

I was about to each. I couldn't believe the ending of this. Sarah. We lost Sarah for a second, but quickly. To you, Mary.

[I]

Yes.

[A]

And hearing that, because I thought what we were going to do is bring you on and we were going to be in a worse situation. We were going to have to pitch new Solutions now, what are your thoughts? Where you at?

[I]

Well, did you pitch a hundred dollars and share in it?

[A]

We. Everything we pitched did not work, but it led them to talk about it and then they came up with a conversation.

[I]

I feel really good about them. I think we couldn't really hear her. Audio is a little funky, so. But I'd like to think that she was saying, thank you so much, Gareth and Jake. We're still. She's still my best friend in the whole world and I'm still her best friend.

[A]

Yes, that's what the whole world.

[I]

And she's not mad at me. That I just for sure. Two guys on her right as she was going into a meeting, a big meeting, an important meeting, an important meeting. And throw out things like $30,000.

[A]

Can we do. Can we do one thing then, Mary? Can you make a little apology on all of our behalfs? And we will send this. We will send this to Sarah to send to her best friend about what Gareth and I did wrong. And we're going to send it just to her. We can get her response after. But a quick little apology and then Gareth and I at the end will say, I'm sorry, but what you didn't, you know, just. Just to really mend the fences, fix this thing between friends so we can move on and be happy.

[I]

Do you want me to do it right now?

[A]

Yes, please.

[I]

Sarah, on behalf of Gareth and Jake, I, Mary Steenbergen, who didn't have anything to do with what they did, but did call them out on it, we would all like to say we humbly apologize for any discord between you and your best friend in the whole wide world. And in the future, when we take calls that have to do with crocheting or any other type of crafting at

[A]

all,

[I]

the men promise not to get themselves all worked up about how macho they are, or not in their case. But they were trying to talk like they were big fighters and they promised never to do that again. Because I really do believe that was the source of the whole problem that skewed them into so radically wanting to take you to court. And anyway, we don't have to revisit it. We're sorry. I'm sorry as well.

[G]

I really appreciate that, Mary. Thank you very much for saying so.

[I]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

And thank you, Sarah. And I think to what Jake was saying before, I will say on behalf of both of us, yeah, I think Mary has made a lot of great points. And when we heard the transcripts back of what we said and what had

[C]

preceded

[B]

Wasn't right to sit there and talk about a fight club and then go into advice about how to relieve some crochet issues.

[C]

That.

[B]

That is. That wasn't right. I will say, you know, maybe the producers could have thought about the sequencing of those calls a little better, but I'm not going to put that on them. Mary, to your point, this is a. Jake and I need to look and watch. Yeah, you're exactly right. Are you blaming another. No, no, no, don't. Natalie, I don't. I mean, with all due respect, mute yourself. But, Mary, you're exactly what I heard. Sarah, I don't think. Sarah, go back to your landline, because that was a better connection for stuff like this. But, Mary, you're exactly right. And we're not. We're never going to do that again. And again, I'm. I'm saying. I'm saying as an ally, you know, no, we should not have done that. And going forward, we're not gonna. If we hear someone's about to go into a big meeting, we're definitely not gonna say, hey, let's, you know, thrust this big, big thing on you.

[C]

We'll wait.

[B]

We won't just think about our schedules.

[C]

We'll think about your lives.

[B]

And I think that's. That's what this is really about. And to Mary, thank you for saying that. Sarah, thank you for joining us. And. And Natalie, when I said mute yourself, I meant that in the. You know, and I did not mean that in any negative way.

[C]

And I'm talking and I should stop. But we just.

[B]

On behalf of Jake and I, thank you and sorry and thank you and. And thank you and sorry and sorry.

[G]

Thank you.

[F]

G. That.

[B]

No, and I don't need. I don't do it for a thank you. Do you want to ring the bell?

[C]

I don't.

[B]

I don't want to ring the bell. I just feel like that's such a.

[C]

Just kind of a.

[G]

So now you're denying her a bell

[A]

ring even though she solved the problem?

[B]

Stay muted.

[C]

I don't love doing.

[B]

Okay, bell's wrong. Bell's wrong. Sarah. Mary, Natalie, thank you so much for

[G]

your help with my problem.

[B]

All right, thank you, Sarah. And thank you, Mary. Natalie, or what do you think? Natalie?

[A]

I think we're good.

[B]

Finished. All right. Mary, you're the best. It is an honor to meet you. For real.

[I]

Oh, my God, it's so nice to meet you. It was fun.

[D]

Hi, Jake and Gareth. I'm calling about episode 265, the caller named Greg. This person is falling asleep at work and you all gave him some very humorous workarounds for his issue issue I'm a nurse practitioner and I'm not a sleep expert, but this gentleman needs to see a doctor. I know he said he has had tests, but I would be asking him if he's had a sleep study or seen a sleep specialist. There are physicians who have training specifically for diagnosing and treating sleep disorders and this person really needs to see one. Falling asleep every day at work despite sleeping all night is not normal. He could have sleep disordered breathing, such as sleep apnea, which can be dangerous if left untreated. Not to mention the other risks of moving through the world with the possibility of falling asleep at any moment, like when driving a car. Please encourage him to seek a second opinion specifically from a sleep expert. Thanks for the show. It's the lighthearted thing we all need in this world and it has me laughing each week on my commutes. Thanks guys.

[A]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[B]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdyke, animations by Andrew Strelecki and if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a hitgum podcast. That was a Headgum podcast.