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Jake Johnson
This is a Headgum podcast.
Natalie
This is a Headgum podcast.
Headgum Announcer
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Natalie
N.
Jake Johnson
And we are, we are back.
Grace
Back.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, hey, our pilot's here.
Jake Johnson
Dan.
Gareth Reynolds
Dan, How's United?
Jake Johnson
How's United in 1997? If you don't have video, look at Instagram of what my brother is choosing to wear as a headset. Look at every podcast you've ever heard. Have you ever seen this? Go ahead. D100.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, I think a Joe Rogan suggested. Yeah, Joe Rogan's like, yeah, dude, this is what I use. Gareth, can I throw something out at you for a second?
Gareth Reynolds
Yes.
Jake Johnson
So Dan and I are going to south by Southwest in two weeks. Awesome, right? It's going to be a two day thing. It's going to be fun with the movie the Sun Never Sets. Joe Swanberg, Corey Michael Smith, Dakota Fanning, Lamorne Morris, Anna Conkle, Debbie Ryan. We got some killers. Crikey. World premiere, open to the world, right? I think everybody got that, Dan. So we're going to south by Southwest and our producer Ashley, who's great and a friend, and she and I and Dan text a lot of bits. We were texting this morning, she said to me, hey, I've got a fun idea. They're turn. They're charging an arm and a leg for car service to get you, Corey and Dakota around for your press day on Friday. And mostly everyone's got their own car. And I go like, what's it cost? Like 150, 200 bucks each person. And she goes, 2,000 each. And I was like, oh, that's a rich. And she's like, I know, markup. It's such a disgusting thing. That Apple will be willing to pay because they don't even think about it. But we're an indie. And so she goes, what do you think? Should we just have people do Ubers? And I'm like, I don't want to be standing on a corner with Dakota and Corey and be like, it's three minutes away, guys.
Gareth Reynolds
Where's this guy going?
Jake Johnson
And then we're like, you know what? We're late. Why? Our guy went the wrong way. Hey, Jonathan. Jake. Yep, this is the one. Wait, were you for Dakota? Dakota Fanning. And Dakota's like, who put it in this guy? Car's got a funky stick to it. Jonathan. Yeah, someone barfed in it last night. Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Sixth Street World premiere up here on the right.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, yeah, I didn't really want to pay for Uberx. You know, everybody squeezes like, oh, this is a tight little Corolla. Everybody pile in. And Dakota's like, in a nice dress, being like, what is this movie? And I'm like, don't Worry, we saved $80.
Gareth Reynolds
This is gonna help. We're putting this money on screen. Movie's done. I know, but you'll. You'll see.
Jake Johnson
This is just gross. Also, everybody, we did craft service. We have a sponsorship deal from Subway. And by sponsorship, I mean I just paid for Subway because it's cheap.
Gareth Reynolds
Got a bunch of those little bag chips. Variety pack, as many as you want.
Jake Johnson
Total of 12. As many as you want out of 12. I'm not buying another thing. They cost 3.99. So. So Ashley said, I have an idea. We could rent a, like a big Escalade and just get a local guy to drive. And everyone. And I go, that's actually fun, cuz we're all together. And she's like, I just wanted to run it by you. Are you. And I'm like, everyone would be good with that. Would pile in. But then the only problem with that is if the driver's annoying, you're like, ah, get out of here. And I thought, you know, it'd be funny. Dan as like the disco driver of the day, pumping the music. So he's like. He wakes up where they're like. And we don't till the day where the Dakota's like, Dan. And Dan, like, has a little, like, taxi hat on. And he's like, let's rock. We're going to 4th Street. How's the. And so every time we're in it, it's a bit, right? I was like, oh, that'd be fun. And I go to Ashley, I Go. Yeah, I think my brother would be down. It'd be fun. And she's like, you should probably ask. My thought was, of course he's in. We'll all be hanging out all day. Dan writes, I don't think so. Maybe have a PA do it. Not how it went at all. I'll go to the red carpet, though. Yes. Fake narrative, fake news.
Gareth Reynolds
Fake news. Okay, hit us with a straight poop.
Jake Johnson
Dan, why don't you read the text? Because Ashley said, I got a local pa. I said, I think that's a better idea, honey. Yeah, because she was. I'll read the text, honey. Go ahead, sweetheart.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh.
Jake Johnson
Oh, no.
Gareth Reynolds
Two Crocos.
Jake Johnson
Can I ask you a question?
Grace
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
You can't, sweetheart. This was a big opportunity.
Jake Johnson
You blew it. Oh, wow. I get to drive around, you guys go have some fun and I'll sit in the Escalade. That sounds like a blast, honey.
Gareth Reynolds
You know what the alternative, you sit
Jake Johnson
in the hotel room and sniff your own butt. You're not doing the press. You're not in the cast. I am in the case and I am doing the rest.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, you're not.
Jake Johnson
He also said, I'm considering wearing a tuxedo or a bright colored suit. And I said, please don't be a pick me girl.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, Dan, I'm gonna just go the other direction real quick before we hear the evidence. This is so. I love the dumb and dumber style for you at this event. I think Jake, long term, Jake's going to like it, trust me.
Jake Johnson
My man seems like he's just so negative. He's like, my brother. No, no, because he's like, I didn't
Gareth Reynolds
get my way on the driver bit,
Jake Johnson
so I'm going to take it out on the rest of everything else.
Gareth Reynolds
Man, everyone should have a dad in their career. Just because it's like, you're never going to feel big.
Jake Johnson
I'll tell you who doesn't. Your brother there, Tom Hanks. All the big stars. I'll tell you who does.
Gareth Reynolds
Me.
Jake Johnson
I get up. I. I told you this story, Gareth, but we went back to Chicago. My brother and I loved Second City as kids. We talked about Del Clos and the good improv. It was just cool. Yeah. So I get an opportunity through Bill Bungar to go do the improv with the mainage. Guys like Tim Robinson were there. I think Sam Richardson, but I'm not. But a great cast.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
Tina Fey, Chris Farley were there. They weren't there.
Gareth Reynolds
Either way.
Jake Johnson
What a nice man who's a lightweight with alcohol.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, damn.
Jake Johnson
That's fair.
Gareth Reynolds
That's fair.
Jake Johnson
I don't say that mean I've become one too. And you're gonna see in Texas, I don't have what I used to have. Good, good. Because otherwise embarrassing. Way good. Lightweight's better. I agree. You are. You have been right about that. I used to think the other way was cooler, but now I like being a lightweight.
Gareth Reynolds
Awesome. The talk of two guys who ruin an event.
Jake Johnson
Open bar. Awesome.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. You want to lose your mind after two, right?
Jake Johnson
That's the point. Why not? So we go to the old town house before, maybe have a couple of drinks, we get a little loose. We get to the place, we're sitting in the front row, we have a couple more drinks, we're getting a little bit loose. Yeah, it's fun. Then they say Bill goes, hey, Jake, get up on stage, man. And I was like, what an honor. And my brother's like, get up there, man. Big brother, little brother. What a moment. He, Gareth. The second I get on stage, he starts heckling me with Gareth.
Gareth Reynolds
What's he doing?
Jake Johnson
Heckling improv.
Gareth Reynolds
Seems so.
Jake Johnson
So like he and I are dying.
Gareth Reynolds
Shake him up.
Jake Johnson
Shake him up a little bit. You know, it's not going to be like cozy.
Rachel
Come on.
Gareth Reynolds
You're tough.
Jake Johnson
Hey, everybody, you're tough. New girl. We're so excited to have Jake Johnson and everyone supposed to be like, oh,
Gareth Reynolds
look, I'm a seal.
Jake Johnson
I'm clapping. Nope. Be tough, bro. Everybody, enjoy the show. This episode has been brought to you by the great Quince. Let me tell you a little bit about Quint's clothing.
Gareth Reynolds
Really, everything I wear that I love is Quince.
Jake Johnson
The black T shirt that I got from Quince I've been wearing for all my press.
Gareth Reynolds
Quince shines. I mean, it's premium fabrics considered design everyday essentials. It feels effortless to wear, dependable even as the seasons change.
Jake Johnson
I highly recommend the T shirt shirts for men and for ladies. But I just say men because I'm a gentleman.
Gareth Reynolds
Whatever you want. Lightweight cashmere sweaters, short sleeve Mongolian cashmere polos, linen bottoms and shorts. And they only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Thousands of people who are wearing it every day. The point is I could go on and on.
Jake Johnson
Right now, go to quints.com here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince q u I n c e.com heretohelp for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com hereto help Are you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?
Rachel
Really?
Jake Johnson
At a playground?
Headgum Announcer
Yeah.
Grace
Really?
Headgum Announcer
Look at these listings from dealers.
Gareth Reynolds
Wow, your search can really get that specific.
Headgum Announcer
Really?
Jake Johnson
And you just put in your info and boom. Cars in your budget.
Gareth Reynolds
Mom needs a second.
Jake Johnson
Honey, you can really have it delivered.
Headgum Announcer
Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership.
Jake Johnson
One sec, sweetie.
Gareth Reynolds
Mommy's buying a car.
Natalie
Mommy's.
Jake Johnson
I think your kid is walking up the slide, Kyle.
Gareth Reynolds
Again?
Grace
Really?
Jake Johnson
Auto trader.
Natalie
Buy your car online.
Headgum Announcer
Really?
Gareth Reynolds
Hello?
Grace
Hi.
Gareth Reynolds
Hi. How are you?
Natalie
I'm good. How are you guys?
Jake Johnson
Great.
Gareth Reynolds
Great. We're in the middle of some real wild stuff over here. Can we get your name, please?
Natalie
Yes, my name is Natalie.
Gareth Reynolds
Hi, Natalie. Do you ever go by Nat Attack Natalie?
Natalie
Not usually, but I'm open to it.
Gareth Reynolds
How old are you, Natalie? Roughly.
Natalie
Roughly. 31.
Gareth Reynolds
Great. Where are you calling from today?
Natalie
From New Hampshire.
Gareth Reynolds
New Hampshire. Beautiful. Anything else, Jake, or should we just dive in here?
Jake Johnson
I think we're Good.
Gareth Reynolds
All right, Natalie. 31, New Hampshire. What's happening?
Natalie
So I am calling because last week my husband and I were eating one of our favorite soups for dinner when he thought that he got a bean stuck in his throat from the soup so he could still breathe and eat and drink. So it wasn't, you know, really that bad, but he could feel it somewhere in his esophagus. And it was bothering me so much.
Grace
Right?
Rachel
It is. So.
Natalie
It bothered him so much that that night he was having a hard time sleeping because he was panicked that the bean would dislodge in the middle of the night and he would choke.
Gareth Reynolds
So he thought the bean was gonna jump from wherever it was, so.
Jake Johnson
You're married to a man, baby.
Gareth Reynolds
By the way, as soon as she said he thought he swallowed a bean.
Jake Johnson
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Flag started to drop for me.
Jake Johnson
No official bean second. Henny, there's no chance I'm sleeping. This bean could fall and I could be a dead man by morning.
Gareth Reynolds
Honey, you know how beans are. They'll jump back up into the throat, choke you.
Jake Johnson
I guess our pitch would be, give him a big hug and tell him he'll be fine. All right, Natalie. Keep going.
Natalie
So the next morning, he called his doctor, and they were like, you know what? Yeah, we. We do want to see you. So he went to his regular doctor. They said, we can't see anything. You need to see a Throat specialist. So they sent him directly to the throat specialist where the specialist scoped his esophagus to try and find the bean.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, now, just very quickly, this is great. But. But he. He's. What, is he worried about the bean? Just, like, living in his throat like some sort of fake.
Jake Johnson
Because he feels it and he's having a hard time. He's worried it's going to move in a weird way and kill him.
Gareth Reynolds
But this is like a date. Like, I've swallowed a vitamin wrong. And, yeah, you know what? It's not great for like seven hours or something like that. A day later, I'm. Well, I'm getting an upper G, Then
Jake Johnson
it scratches the throat a little bit. And now he's like, that could be a scratch or it could be a bean. But you admit, look, anxiety is a crazy thing. Anxiety is a wild animal. You know, they say, you know, cocaine's a wild drug. The 2026 version is. Anxiety is a. Anxiety is a crazy drug.
Gareth Reynolds
I can't imagine, like, the. A level of placating you have to go through with your partner to be like, oh, you're going to another doctor for the bean throat thing. Okay, hon?
Jake Johnson
All right, call me after. Well, the problem is the bean could start growing in my throat, and then a tree could come out my mouth.
Gareth Reynolds
I mean, obviously, then we got a bean plantation, and that could be. That's a death sentence.
Jake Johnson
So, Natalie, what's going on? Keep going.
Natalie
So, so basically, they scoped his esophagus, and they did not detect a single bean. They said it's either not there at all or it was too far down for their scope to see, but they didn't think it was anything major.
Gareth Reynolds
He was experiencing what doctors call digestion.
Natalie
The problem now is that because of. He's haunted by this phantom throat bean, he's now refusing to eat not only our favorite soup, but also beans generally. And so I need help trying to convince my husband that the soup and beans generally are not dangerous before it's too late and he becomes anti bean.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Natalie, what's this guy's name? What are we calling him?
Natalie
His name is Nick.
Gareth Reynolds
Nick.
Jake Johnson
Okay, so I hate to say it, but I can relate to Nick.
Gareth Reynolds
I.
Jake Johnson
When I was 17, I did a Peace Corps in a type thing called Amigos in Costa Rica, and I got so weird there that I thought I couldn't swallow. And it led to the time where I was like, I'm having a hard time swallowing while literally being alive. So I was swallowing all the time. But every Once in a while I think about it, and when I thought about it, I'd be like, it's happening again. I can't swallow while swallowing.
Gareth Reynolds
And this is just psychosomatic. This is just a.
Jake Johnson
Something probably happened where I ate something, got some allergies, and my throat closed up a little, and then I didn't understand what happened. So I said, like, oh, that could get bad.
Gareth Reynolds
This is the same trip where the people you're staying with. You shook out your bed and a scorpion flew out.
Jake Johnson
I got bit by a scorpion in the stomach. I mean, I think I had a worm crawl into my.
Gareth Reynolds
This is the craziest one. Just very.
Jake Johnson
No, another time.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, okay.
Jake Johnson
But, yeah, that's an intro. That's a crazy one.
Gareth Reynolds
That's a wild one. Okay, okay. So. But you still, even with that being said, this as a lingering condition against beans.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Because beans are the thing that stuck. So now he's like, I don't eat beans.
Gareth Reynolds
But it didn't even stick.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, but I don't eat beans.
Gareth Reynolds
I don't believe there was ever a bean.
Jake Johnson
I agree. But I got stuck. I almost died. So I don't eat beans. Here's gonna be my first pitch. We need to trick him into eating beans.
Gareth Reynolds
I. I do agree.
Grace
Okay.
Jake Johnson
And he has to almost like you make him a bean burger or. Or a. So he doesn't know. And he goes, what is that? And you go, tofu. And then he goes, that was delicious. And you go, oh, you know what? It was beans.
Gareth Reynolds
But.
Jake Johnson
Or a dick or a. Whatever it is. So he eats it two or three times, likes it. And then you go, hey, you know that casserole thing I made you? Yeah. Well, I lied to you, Nick. You just ate beans and you loved them. And he's going to go, I can't eat beans because I could die from them. And you go, you didn't die, Brother or baby boy.
Gareth Reynolds
Baby boy. He's a baby boy. This is a baby boy. This is a bean. Baby boy.
Jake Johnson
So sometimes your lover becomes baby boy.
Gareth Reynolds
Sometimes they're a great guy, sometimes they turn into a baby boy.
Jake Johnson
You know what? This thing. You just nailed it, Gareth. We got two type of callers. Great guys. Baby boy. Baby girl.
Gareth Reynolds
That's exactly right.
Jake Johnson
And.
Gareth Reynolds
And you're a great guy, Natalie. You're a great guy.
Jake Johnson
Nick is a big.
Gareth Reynolds
Nick's a baby boy.
Jake Johnson
Every call as of now, two categories.
Gareth Reynolds
Yep.
Jake Johnson
It's a different type of pitches. This is for sure a baby boy.
Gareth Reynolds
This is a baby. There's a baby boy. Call.
Jake Johnson
And that's good. You're a great guy. He's a baby boy. The way a great guy does this is tricks the baby boy into becoming a great guy.
Gareth Reynolds
That's exactly right. Because we need to fool Nick into becoming a great guy without him knowing it. And then he swallowed a phantom bean, and he's a baby bo.
Jake Johnson
And so now, Natalie, we gotta get him going. I'm a great guy. I eat beans. When you're hearing this first pitch, what are you thinking and all about the baby boy? Great guy stuff. What are you thinking about?
Natalie
That I like it. I feel like it's a good way to reintroduce the bean in a way that's not me. Just saying you need to grow up and eat beans like a bean isn't gonna kill you. But I don't think I can outright say that to him.
Jake Johnson
Yes, agreed. Because he's a baby boy right now.
Gareth Reynolds
Exactly. That's a conversation you could have with a great guy.
Jake Johnson
Exactly. In six months, when he's a great guy again, you guys could talk about beans.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. And if you're sneaking a bean into something, you gotta let the baby boy think that he's being a great guy while really he's being a baby boy.
Jake Johnson
Let me ask you a question. How do you get babies to eat broccoli?
Gareth Reynolds
Airplane.
Jake Johnson
You sneak it in, and then all of a sudden, they become a great guy. But by the way, you can do the airplane. That's sneaking it in.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
Check this out.
Gareth Reynolds
It's a gimb.
Jake Johnson
You don't do that to a great guy. He'll go, I don't need all that. I'm a.
Gareth Reynolds
He'll go, what do you think I am, a baby boy? I'm a great guy. And treat a great guy like a baby boy. Give me the beads.
Jake Johnson
So what do you. What dish could you make that you know, this baby boy likes, but that he's gonna eat without thinking while maybe watching TV in the dark?
Natalie
I think one of you said dips, and I feel like that's a really good idea because you can also disguise you're eating the dip with something. You're eating it with chips.
Jake Johnson
Chips.
Natalie
You can. Yeah. Partially disguise the bean that way, too.
Jake Johnson
Like, you're not exactly right. That's exactly right. And you could also do nachos. And then you could melt cheese on top of everything.
Gareth Reynolds
Totally.
Jake Johnson
He's just grabbing a chip. All he's seeing is on top of the cheese. Salsa. But under what he didn't see that got cooked. You're Putting beans, jalapenos, Jake's.
Gareth Reynolds
To Jake's earlier point, you're putting the veggies and the cookies a little bit here.
Jake Johnson
Yes.
Gareth Reynolds
He's not gonna know. And then what I would also do, if you're down with that, I would suggest that maybe you start taking some pictures documenting this for a later reveal when we let this baby boy know that actually the whole time he was being a great guy while he ate the beans.
Jake Johnson
Yes. So what do you. What do you think about this? Is, you know, we. Lately we haven't been going with first pitch, but what do you think? Is this. Is this a one and done? You happy with this? Are you gonna try that? And look, if he smells it and throws it, he goes, I can't eat it. It's got beans. Well, then obviously you call back, but this might be a right. You trick the baby boy, turns into a great guy, you call with the follow up and you go like this. That was easy. And we go, well, it wasn't easy. We made it look easy because we're professionals.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes.
Jake Johnson
And you go, no, but it was easy. And we go, no, it wasn't. Because we've diagnosed the two types of calls baby boy and great guy.
Gareth Reynolds
You were there for that moment where we realized, because we're professionals, yeah, this is what we do. And, yeah, we're just writing a description for a baby boy.
Jake Johnson
And you're going, but it's so. It was so easy. It didn't even feel like work. And we go, yeah, 40 plus years of work leads to an easy call.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Makes it look easy. But this is experience and acceleration.
Jake Johnson
Because we're great guys.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes. But we love baby boys.
Jake Johnson
Our baby girl right now, just in this moment of description, because you're around two great guys.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, Natalie, what do you think? What do you think, Natalie?
Natalie
So I think it's a good idea. I'm wondering if. When I start sneaking beans into the food, should I start with something like a refried bean where it's mushy, which takes the texture and, like, being a look away. Hey, Natalie, slowly.
Jake Johnson
Natalie.
Natalie
Yes.
Jake Johnson
When you have a baby, do you feed it chunks of steak or do you mush it up?
Natalie
I imagine you mush it.
Gareth Reynolds
You do, you do.
Jake Johnson
You've ever heard of baby food before? It's in a little jar.
Gareth Reynolds
It's not a jar of carrots.
Jake Johnson
Carrot chunks. It's just mush. Baby food is mush.
Gareth Reynolds
Yep.
Natalie
And then how long am I mushing the beans that I'm sneaking into the food before one I pivot to one time.
Jake Johnson
The second time, less mushy.
Gareth Reynolds
I was just gonna say, why less mushy. Why don't we do that? Why don't we slowly get it to the point where the baby Bo says, hey, what's with the beans? I'm a baby boy. What are you doing? And you go, really? Cuz, guess what? This whole time, you thought you were being a baby boy. You were being a great guy because you've been eating beans for four weeks.
Jake Johnson
That's exactly right. And so every.
Gareth Reynolds
You got pictures. Yeah, Here it is. Here it is.
Jake Johnson
15% off the mush.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah,
Jake Johnson
this is going to work.
Gareth Reynolds
I think this is right here's.
Jake Johnson
Now here's what we really need to happen. You on how we win. Make those nachos like you're a chef at a nacho restaurant.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes.
Jake Johnson
So he goes like this. You go, whoa, I was just on Tick Tock and I got this great recipe. And he goes, what's in it? You mentioned everything but the beans. And then he goes, but the beans? Yeah. And then he goes, these are really good. You're like, I know. And then he. You go, hey, after work, want to watch Law and Order and eat some of those nachos? And he'll go, do you mind making them? You're like, no, baby boy. I don't.
Gareth Reynolds
Just don't come into the kitchen while
Jake Johnson
I mush your beans. You try to make you a great guy, you little baby.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, I make you a bean Mickey, you little baby.
Jake Johnson
And then if it doesn't work, bring him on and we'll scold him.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
Because if it doesn't work, there's two ways to make a baby boy a great guy. Trick him. The other way is take them out back and give him an old school, hey, we were born. And then he'll go, I'm really embarrassed. Why? Those guys were mean to me, and they were great guys, and I was a baby boy. Then he goes, but really, it's just a bean. I could eat it.
Gareth Reynolds
And we're gonna go, yes, Nick, yes.
Jake Johnson
We will take a video eating beans.
Gareth Reynolds
I guarantee we could coach him in the harsher direction. But either way, start with this. That'll foam our Runway when we come at this baby boy. Or you're gonna get a great guy out of this, because this is gonna work.
Jake Johnson
It will. One way or the other, it's gonna work. Natalie, it doesn't matter what these great guys say. What does that great guy named Natalie say?
Natalie
I think it's gonna work. And I. I Love to cook. So I feel like I can. I'm at the point in the kitchen where I can be creative.
Jake Johnson
That's cool.
Natalie
So I feel like. I feel like I can do this, and I don't think it'll be that difficult. And I think I can probably trick him. It'll just be really hard.
Jake Johnson
Yeah.
Natalie
To keep it to myself.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, remember, you're only keeping it to yourself for a finite amount of time,
Jake Johnson
as well as when you're about to burst and you want to say something. Record a voice note.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes. Yes. When you present the evidence, you have him record you as you hold up the pictures showing him.
Jake Johnson
Or I would even say, Gareth, as it goes, when you're making the nachos and you're like, I'm gonna freak out. I'm gonna explode. Film yourself really fast.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Do a little confessional for us. What?
Jake Johnson
You go show us what you're doing with the beans and say, I just need to talk about this. So you're not alone. You're not holding it in. You're telling us.
Gareth Reynolds
Yep.
Jake Johnson
The only person who can't know is the baby boy. Guess what? If you and Nick one day have kids, you know it's going to happen. The Easter Bunny's going to come. You know, it's really hard to not say who the Easter Bunny is until that kid's a great guy.
Gareth Reynolds
Especially to Nick, because he's still a baby boy. He probably believes it.
Jake Johnson
He won't be by then.
Gareth Reynolds
That's right. Thank you. Yep. Thank you. Call the number at the bottom of your screen right now.
Jake Johnson
Natalie, follow up with us. Send all those videos and you're welcome. For giving you a great guy.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Yeah. Make the most of this baby boy because he's on the way out.
Jake Johnson
Exactly.
Gareth Reynolds
All right, Natalie.
Jake Johnson
Bye, Natalie.
Rachel
I will. Awesome. Thank you.
Gareth Reynolds
Thank you. Bye.
Jake Johnson
Have to do a counter for how many times he said, great guy.
Gareth Reynolds
It all made sense to me, though.
Jake Johnson
It did say every part of that to me.
Gareth Reynolds
I was like, logically, not only do I follow him, I've got a new A thought.
Jake Johnson
But this is right.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes, I agree.
Jake Johnson
Hello.
Natalie
Hi.
Jake Johnson
How you doing?
Natalie
Good.
Grace
How are you doing?
Jake Johnson
Great. What's your first name?
Grace
My name is Grace.
Jake Johnson
Grace. Where are you calling from, Grace?
Grace
I'm calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. River West.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, beautiful. Love river west down here. Yeah. Beautiful. It's popping.
Jake Johnson
Grace, how old are you?
Grace
I'm 25.
Jake Johnson
Grace, what is the issue? What can we help you with today?
Grace
So, I'm an arborist and I work on trees outside year round. And a few years ago, our office was kind of, like, in a slump. Not a whole lot of sales and stuff coming in. It was really slow. And so we have sleds that we use at work to, like, drag sticks and stuff. And I started, you know, sledding down the hills, building snowmen and throwing snowballs at my co workers to make them laugh. And now, you know, a couple years later, we're kind of hitting the slump again. And I tried throwing snowballs, and no one will have a snowball fight with me anymore. So I was wondering, like, how do I get them to, you know, throw snowballs again?
Gareth Reynolds
You're looking to re stoke once solid snowball fight.
Jake Johnson
You guys used to be a more fun group, but something changed.
Grace
Yeah, a lot of them got married and had kids in the past couple years, and I think they've just gotten kind of lame.
Jake Johnson
So it used to be more of a young company that felt like this is almost an extension of college. We're living the dream. We're also all friends. Work's allowed to be fun, and now it's become a place where people go to work, and when it's slow, people just want to hang out. And you're like, get on the sled and let's whip snowballs. And they're like, It's Wednesday at 10am
Gareth Reynolds
when you're old like we are, it's very easy to see their pov.
Jake Johnson
Why are you throwing a snowball at me? I slept two hours last stop.
Gareth Reynolds
That's cold.
Jake Johnson
And so, Grace, your question is, is how do I bring back the fun? Because why not have it be a fun day? Is that accurate?
Grace
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
Okay, so then really quickly walk me through the look of your office, because the first thing I'm thinking about is if you guys are all in, like, a big warehouse space together, first thing we got to do is we got to start DJing. But walk me through what your day looks like. What is the office? How do you interact with people? How does it go?
Grace
So our office is pretty small. There's only about eight of us that go out and do work.
Jake Johnson
Okay.
Grace
And we do have, like, several large garages that are kind of like warehouse vibes. And then we have, like, a, you know, smaller bit that's, you know, where we have meetings and stuff inside.
Jake Johnson
Okay.
Grace
But everyone there is about at least five years older or more than me, and I'm the only girl in the office, so they're, you know, kind of over putting up with my shenanigans.
Jake Johnson
I got a question for you. Grace, I gotta get real right now for a second. Your energy's pretty low and you seem pretty chill. I don't mean that in a bad way, but I'm not getting rock star party girl on this call. I would expect from your tone it would be more. They're throwing snowballs at me and I don't want them to. Are you the life of the party at work or is it off putting when kind of the quiet gal who's good at her job, but she's pretty chill. And then all of a sudden she whipped a snowball at me and I don't know how to react to that. So what's your vibe at work? Is it similar to this call? I guess I'm.
Grace
I'm pretty chill at work, but I'm more like, you know, trying to lift everybody up, like, you know, so they're
Jake Johnson
lower energy and kind of more chill than you.
Gareth Reynolds
They're the low energy ones.
Grace
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
You're the hype man.
Gareth Reynolds
You're the. You're the accelerator.
Jake Johnson
You're the cocaine baby.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah,
Jake Johnson
is Grace. I'm asking, is it. I'm just trying to get a sense of this before we pitch.
Gareth Reynolds
Because, Grace, this is what Jake's saying. And it's not in a. It's definitely not a shitty way, but it's just the snowball throwing Co worker is gonna be someone who's got this. Ah, man, I'm telling you what, like, I'm trying to bring the fire, but.
Jake Johnson
But it's the character, baby.
Gareth Reynolds
People just won't let me cook because
Jake Johnson
I'm trying to get out. And they're saying, hey, enough coffee, enough coffee. And you go like, I can't shut up. I have add.
Gareth Reynolds
Like we're on a satellite delay with you when we're talking. Like it's taking a minute to actually transfer into your phone. So I guess it's.
Jake Johnson
There's something lost in translation. Grace, you're you. So you're saying the people you work with. It's a really chill environment. Years ago you partied more by seven snowball fights, but now they don't want to. But the version of you that I'm getting. And this is one call, so I could be dead wrong, but you seem like a chill cat and there ain't nothing wrong. I'm married to a chill cat cat, so there's nothing wrong with a chill cat. But I would be very shocked if I worked with you and this was the vibe we had. And then one day you said like, hey, I just threw a snowball at the back of your head. And I went like, why'd you do that? And you go, challenge.
Gareth Reynolds
Fun. I love fun.
Jake Johnson
And then I would go, you okay, Grace? And you go, yeah, I love to party.
Gareth Reynolds
And I'd go, fun's my middle name. It feels. Look.
Jake Johnson
Look out. We're about to have the time of our lives.
Gareth Reynolds
Have you ever had more fun than this? So
Jake Johnson
now, Grace, are we wrong here? Because we might be wrong. We're wrong a lot. We're doctors, but we didn't go to med school, obviously.
Gareth Reynolds
No, we're not lawyers.
Grace
I guess the. The energy, like, comes in spurts. I feel like I can't be too crazy, especially at work, because it's also dangerous. Like, I don't want to, you know, be acting out and, you know, hurt somebody.
Gareth Reynolds
Totally.
Jake Johnson
You're seven feet in the air.
Natalie
Right?
Gareth Reynolds
So. So. So basically, when you're grounded and things are slower, you're still going outside, and that's when you want the snowball fights to happen. I have a pitch maybe.
Jake Johnson
Okay.
Grace
Right.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, here. I would pitch one of two things. The first is the best way to get someone involved in any sort of snow altercation. Jake, as we both know, being from the Midwest is an act of war. The bigger the snowball face, bigger the snowball, the more that you will actually retaliate. But also, part of the pain in the ass about a snowball fight is making the snowball. It's like it's cold. Your hands, all that. So what if you had a couple coolers in the back of the car full of pre made snowballs?
Jake Johnson
Ice balls, brother.
Gareth Reynolds
These. Yeah, it's not gonna be great, but these are. This hurts so bad, but you free make them so that when you take them out, you just are sort of saying, this is all already set. And that way people don't. And first of all, you got a can. I mean, you got like a bunch of artillery. And then these people also have the option of going up to a cooler and grabbing snowballs if they choose to retaliate.
Grace
I think that'd be really good. Just have like a little stash of them.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
So, Grace, will you walk us through how you initiate in the past, in the last few months?
Gareth Reynolds
Hear the joy.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, but. No, but for real, I want you to do it the way you do it. How do. What was the last time you tried to initiate a snowball fight and what happened? You play all the characters,
Grace
so it was probably a couple weeks ago. And I feel like usually we have more. More shenanigans and stuff as we're kind of packing it up for the day because, you know, there's less going on. And so I'd make a snowball, and my. My tactic is trying to throw it over the truck so it lands on top of their head while they're on the other side of the truck.
Jake Johnson
Perfect.
Gareth Reynolds
I do, like, per.
Jake Johnson
Humiliating but not painful.
Grace
Exactly. You know, it's like a soft land.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Perfect.
Grace
And, you know, usually I'm the only one there, so it's pretty obvious who threw the snowball at them. And they just kind of brush it off and keep walking,
Gareth Reynolds
and then it's sad.
Jake Johnson
Grace, do you say anything?
Rachel
What?
Jake Johnson
Do you say anything after that? Is there any dialogue?
Grace
I mean, not really. They don't really mention it.
Jake Johnson
And you don't mention it.
Grace
No, I do it pretty frequently, so I've kind of just stopped bringing it up, I guess.
Jake Johnson
Okay, but you don't bring it up. You just. While you're on the other side of the truck, you throw a snowball at their head, and then neither of you guys talk about it.
Gareth Reynolds
Right?
Grace
Yes.
Jake Johnson
Here's what I'm gonna pitch a conversation. Would you guys like to start having more snowball fights with me?
Gareth Reynolds
I. I like that. I have a similar idea, but let's just for a minute, Grace, highlight what's happening. You're throwing snow at people, and they're not saying anything back to you.
Jake Johnson
You might be missing them.
Gareth Reynolds
They're. Or they're, like, annoyed. They. It's like. They're like, jesus Christ. They're like.
Jake Johnson
Or you're positive you're hitting him. There's a truck in between you, and you got those frosted windows. Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
They could just be like, well, it's snowing again.
Jake Johnson
It could be. You're hitting the top of the truck. Grace, are you positive you're hitting these people?
Grace
Yes, I'm. I'm positive I'm hitting them and you're
Gareth Reynolds
hitting them, and they're not saying anything. I mean, they. This is what. This is in my head. What's happening? They don't want to have a snowball fight because you are hitting them with snow. And they're like, it's Milwaukee. It's cold.
Jake Johnson
I'm freezing.
Gareth Reynolds
Please don't pile on the snow. And then they're talk like, I have an idea.
Jake Johnson
Grace. Grace, I have an idea. Send them a note and go, do you want to have a snowball fight with me after work? Yay or nay. Yes. Y or N? Oh, how about this? Anonymous. Anonymous poll? Okay. Do you guys want to start having more snowball fights? Yes or no? Please leave in this comment box. And if they're all, no, let it go.
Gareth Reynolds
Or what?
Rachel
Why not?
Gareth Reynolds
Or right now, we could have Grace send a company email. There's only eight of them. And just say, hey, that's true.
Jake Johnson
Grace. Are they on?
Gareth Reynolds
It is Snowball fights.
Jake Johnson
Yay or nay.
Gareth Reynolds
Do you guys feel like you're open to having those anymore? They were really fun. If not, I'll stop.
Jake Johnson
Hey, Grace.
Gareth Reynolds
Something else.
Jake Johnson
What do you think of that? We could also do it through. We need to pick. And it could be anonymous.
Grace
I think if I send them an email, they'll give me about it forever.
Jake Johnson
And it. But could that lead to more snowball fights?
Grace
It could.
Jake Johnson
Because then if they give you. Every time they give you, you throw a snowball at them.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. You are. You are.
Jake Johnson
What we're trying to do is we're trying to get the game going right now. What's happening is you're throwing a snowball at them while they're on the side of the truck. They're getting hit, and they're going, that sucks. And so do you have them all on a text?
Gareth Reynolds
Chain went down my jacket.
Grace
Yes.
Jake Johnson
Do you want to send a text right now that says, anybody interested in snowball fights after work, Yay or nay. Just answer Y or N. Or we
Gareth Reynolds
could make a video that you could send them, and we could all. Jake and I could do it. So maybe it takes the culpability off of you a little bit. We work on behalf of Grace right now. She misses the snowball fights.
Jake Johnson
I kind of want to see her do it.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Jake Johnson
We've been doing. I kind of want to see what happens in the real pitch of if you just sent a text to the group and they don't know this show exists to get a real response.
Natalie
Yeah, we also.
Grace
We have weekly meetings, and we have one tomorrow. I could. I could bring it up in the morning meeting.
Jake Johnson
And how would you do that? Pretend we're at the meeting. Grace, I'm gonna set you up, and then you go. Okay. All right. That about wraps everything up. Does anybody else have anything else they want to add? Grace, your hand is up. Yeah. What's up?
Grace
I am wondering, to boost, you know, company morale, if we could have more snowball fights, you know, as we're cleaning up for the day.
Jake Johnson
So what does that mean to boost company morale? You think morale is low?
Grace
Yes. Everyone seems pretty on edge and cranky lately.
Gareth Reynolds
Someone keeps throwing snow at us when we're trying to leave.
Grace
I tried bringing in Kringles and they were still cranky.
Jake Johnson
Right. I would say I wouldn't bring it up at the company meeting. It could go sideways on you. I would do it. But you can. It's just, I don't know the vibe of this.
Gareth Reynolds
I agree. I would not.
Jake Johnson
I would do it playfully via a text or an email. I would say due to the crankiness of the employees. Would anybody like to blow off some steam and have a snowball fight with me tomorrow after work?
Grace
Actually, what I could do. We have, like, walls of whiteboards.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes.
Grace
I can make a specific whiteboard for the poll for the snowball fight.
Jake Johnson
Yes. And, but I would say in there, as all of you know, after work, I throw snowballs over the truck and I hit you guys on the heads and nobody comments. Is this because you don't want to have a snowball fight? If so, that's fine. I'm asking for a poll. Who wants to have a snowball fight? If I get one vote, that's enough to continue my shenanigans. Okay. What do you think of that, Grace?
Grace
I think that would be good.
Jake Johnson
What are you gonna put on that board? Write it down as you're saying it and then we'll have the exact thing up there. Okay.
Grace
Okay. Maybe, Maybe. Should I keep it simple and just say snowball fights, yes or no, with, like, check marks?
Jake Johnson
I think you need a little bit more than that.
Gareth Reynolds
I, I agree. I think.
Jake Johnson
What am I voting for? Yes. Snowball fights. As an idea. Sure. After work with Grace.
Gareth Reynolds
No, it could be Grace's snow pole. And you could say, I'm still into snowball fighting after work. I think it's fun. Who agrees with me? And then you could put a yes side and a no side and a line down.
Jake Johnson
No hard feelings either way.
Gareth Reynolds
Even though there are.
Jake Johnson
But you're allowed to be honest. You're allowed.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I, I. Now, as she's writing this down, Jake, I do think that we're going to find that there's mostly no's. Almost all knows, probably all knows. Nobody's engaging in this. Do we. Is there a, A more adult game that can be played that is less I'm gonna make you freezing?
Jake Johnson
No, but that's not what she's calling about, Gareth.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, she's missing the, the ch. Grace's inner child is screaming for some play and she's not getting it by tossing snow over the truck at co workers who are.
Jake Johnson
Grace, what were you, what were you like as a kid? Were you a Rambunctious little girl.
Gareth Reynolds
Only child?
Grace
No, I. I'm the oldest. I have a younger sister. We. We're just always running around doing random stuff in the yard.
Jake Johnson
You know, fun.
Grace
Digging holes, playing with worms.
Jake Johnson
That's cool.
Gareth Reynolds
That is cool.
Jake Johnson
So, Grace, what are you thinking of doing here? Do you. Do you like the dry erase board idea?
Grace
Yeah, I think that would work. And that way they can kind of respond on their own time.
Jake Johnson
And anonymously.
Grace
Yes, and anonymously.
Jake Johnson
Are you gonna do that tomorrow?
Grace
Yes.
Jake Johnson
Will you take a photo of the board before anybody Responds? And then one 24 hours later?
Grace
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
And then will you follow up with us and we can get to the bottom of this?
Grace
I. I will.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Jake Johnson
Grace, we appreciate you.
Gareth Reynolds
Good luck out there, Grace.
Grace
Thank you.
Jake Johnson
Also, if you're gonna do enough, if someone says yes, change your technique. No more over the truck, face them. So you guys are looking at each other, then go, how was your day? And they go, yeah, fine. It's slow today. We didn't have any clients. And then throw a snowball right at their face.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, that's gonna. That's gonna stoke the bar for sure.
Jake Johnson
But no more hiding behind a truck. Just going, this, this, or go like this. Hey, nice shirt. And they go, thanks. And go, it'd look a lot better with a snowball on it. And they go, what? And then throw a snowball at their chest.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm just picturing these people on the other side of the truck, like, getting hit and, like, making eye contact and just shaking their heads like, hey, your nose looks dry.
Jake Johnson
Then throw a snowball at their face and go, never mind.
Grace
Yeah, they're. They're definitely over.
Gareth Reynolds
It's a wild last sentence while we're doing a whiteboard poll. Yeah. They hate it, by the way.
Jake Johnson
It's. If it's eight to nothing, then we'll figure that out.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. Then call in and we'll figure out, you know, we'll do.
Jake Johnson
Grace. We'll find people in Milwaukee who want to have a snowball fight with you.
Gareth Reynolds
We'll find you a new job, Grace. Then we're going to find you a job. You're going to start working with teenagers. You'll do yard work. It'll be awesome.
Grace
Yeah. Okay.
Gareth Reynolds
We're going to change your life just so that you can throw snow at somewhere. All right.
Jake Johnson
Thank you for the call, Grace.
Gareth Reynolds
Bye, Grace.
Grace
All right, thank you. Bye.
Gareth Reynolds
We know you're a follow up, baby girl. No, but you did it. But you did it, remember?
Rachel
No, but.
Jake Johnson
All right, baby girl, remind us what this is who you are, what the problem was, and what we're doing.
Rachel
Yeah. Okay, so I'm Rachel, but, yeah, you can call me baby girl.
Grace
That's totally fine.
Rachel
And I'm calling from Minneapolis, and I was part of a fantasy football league, and not everybody paid me. So you all helped me create a little voice recording that I did send to the team, and I got everyone besides two people to pay.
Jake Johnson
So before. Rachel, before we go any further. Natalie, do we have the recording? Can we hear it back?
Rachel
If you give me a couple minutes,
Jake Johnson
I can try to find it.
Rachel
Yeah. Listen here, everybody. You owe me some money. My venmo is rachel-danis01. This league was grueling. It was tough. I beat all of you guys throughout the whole season, and none of you are going to pay me. Come on, I deserve it. 20 bucks. By my birthday, January 25th, I'm turning 30. Send me the money, Rachel.
Jake Johnson
That was great.
Gareth Reynolds
You know what's so funny? We clearly. We were talking for a while for it to get.
Jake Johnson
Because it's like.
Gareth Reynolds
You hear. Hear that? Now you're like. That is quite intense.
Jake Johnson
But also good.
Gareth Reynolds
But good.
Jake Johnson
Okay, and so you sent. You sent that, Rachel, and then you.
Gareth Reynolds
What happened?
Jake Johnson
And then you did a follow up.
Rachel
Yeah, okay. So I sent that to the group and I said, I really didn't want to have to do this, but, you know, I can't be the nice guy anymore. So here, listen to this. And then I had a handful of people pay, and then I said, so, Rachel, they just.
Jake Johnson
So you just sent. Will you read us the email you sent to everybody attached to that? Thanks.
Rachel
Yeah, let me go find it.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, we've got it up here.
Jake Johnson
All right, Rachel, we got it. You want Gareth just to read it? Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, so it's leading into the voice memo. She says, I really don't want to have to do this, but I can't be Miss Nice Guy anymore. As the winner of this league, I'm asking everyone to please listen. Then we've got the clip followed by. And if you're not encouraged to pay up after that, my friends that were here to help us have something to say about it, too.
Jake Johnson
All right, can we listen to clip number one? No.
Gareth Reynolds
By the way, no responses. One heart.
Jake Johnson
And by the way, no. We're hitting up the podcast. My friends are. We're here now. They're like, this girl's crazy. I'll be like, if I got that, I'd be like, rachel's weird. Yeah, but hold on, Rachel, before you Go, Rachel. Before you go, we're gonna listen to clip number one, because this is what people got. Hey, BFF Football league. We were brought in by Rachel Danis. That's Rachel Dash Danis. D A N I S Dash zero one. That's her, Venmo. She hasn't been paid by eight. Out of the people in this league, seven of you have. So you guys are off the hook. You play a fantasy league, you should pay. Of course. So this is really. To the eight remaining. This isn't a threat. Although, Aya, what were you saying about your training?
Headgum Announcer
Oh, I just mentioned that I happen to study at the Guthrie Theater, so I know quite a few actors in the town of Minneapolis and the Twin Cities who could. Could possibly show up your door and act real tough if. If the debt is not paid back.
Jake Johnson
But that's not a threat. No, it's just what's reality, Gareth? You got anything to say?
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, I got a threat. Listen, you're not gonna pay. Yeah, you are. You're gonna pay in one way or another. We're not playing any more games. Give Rachel the money. It was all fun when you were making your little fake team. Now that it's the real world, you got a problem. Rachel dash Danis, dash 01.
Jake Johnson
Pretty good, Gareth. Way to be tough at the end. Way to Joe.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, no, I. I was just kind of thinking is the Pesci vibe, it was pretty.
Jake Johnson
I mean, you came in as the heavy.
Gareth Reynolds
I tried to close. Yeah, well, you guys. You guys was sugar, so a little spice, I guess. I don't remember doing it.
Jake Johnson
I don't remember that at all, but still. But baby boy, you crushed there. So, Rachel, you then sent both. Then walk us through what happened here, baby girl.
Rachel
Yeah, okay, so I sent both and definitely. Okay, so the reason I didn't say, like, we're here to help podcast, I was trying to maybe get some, like, funny reactions out of people if they didn't know what was going on. But really the. The funniest thing that I got was, who is that? AI, by the way, I paid.
Jake Johnson
Who is that? AI, by the way, I paid.
Rachel
Okay, yeah, that was the funniest response that I got. So then I was like, okay, well, so it's fine if you've been great. We're going to just drop the bit from here.
Gareth Reynolds
So.
Rachel
But mostly everyone paid.
Gareth Reynolds
How many are not. How many have not paid? I cannot imagine after that, not paying. How many are still people.
Jake Johnson
All right, so we're not done pitching, Gareth. We got. I completely agree with You, Gareth, Rachel, can. What if we. Do you have the people's contact information?
Rachel
Okay, so I was trying to figure that because. So if you remember from the setup, this is like my parents, close friends, and they're all connected through my brother. So it's like my brother and his friends and their parents, and then our little family friend group. And so the two people that haven't paid. It's about to get long. So two people that haven't paid. One of my brother's good friends, oldest brother and their youngest brother. So it's like that from one family. There's four boys, and then the oldest and the youngest haven't paid me back.
Jake Johnson
Okay, question. Do we know we have their right info?
Rachel
That's a good question. My brother set up the text group, and I have a bunch of phone numbers in here that I don't have, but we. We could maybe connect with my brother because he probably has the number.
Jake Johnson
Let's do this. What are the two guys? The first name of the oldest brother? Katen
Natalie
Manning.
Jake Johnson
Oh, Peyton. And what about younger brother?
Rachel
Connor?
Jake Johnson
Connor and Peyton. I get a sense of this family. Blonde boys. Of course they are.
Gareth Reynolds
Could be the Mannings.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Can. Did Eli pay that little brat?
Gareth Reynolds
Eli.
Jake Johnson
Eli.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, Cooper's the younger one. That's right.
Natalie
Right.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Can we call your brother right now on the spot?
Gareth Reynolds
This is right.
Rachel
I really think you could. I think. I think yes.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Will you send that info to Natalie really fast so we can try to get. What's your brother's name, Rachel?
Rachel
His name's Matthew.
Jake Johnson
Let's get. Let's see if we can get Matthew on the line, and if not, we could send him a text or something.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. What does he do for work? You think he's going to be available?
Rachel
I really do. I think he'll be fine.
Lila
He.
Rachel
He's a mechanical engineer.
Grace
He's, like, super smart.
Matthew
Whatever.
Jake Johnson
Sure he'll be able to answer.
Natalie
Okay,
Rachel
sending it now.
Gareth Reynolds
Rachel, when Jake says baby girl and I say it, is there a difference in the energy? Do you feel. Is there something?
Jake Johnson
Yeah, the callers get turned on when you say it. Garrett.
Rachel
That's a good question.
Jake Johnson
The girls go crazy when Garrett says. When I say it's more paternal.
Gareth Reynolds
I don't.
Rachel
I actually feel like when Jake says it, it sounds like he said it before.
Gareth Reynolds
That's exactly right. That is force.
Rachel
Can you hear him or is it not coming through?
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, there it is.
Jake Johnson
I'll start us, Gareth.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Jake Johnson
Hello.
Natalie
Hi, guys.
Jake Johnson
Hey, Matthew. How are you, bud?
Matthew
I'm good.
Jake Johnson
How Are you good? So you were the commission of this league? Yeah.
Matthew
Yes, I am.
Jake Johnson
And we're all caught up. Gareth is here too.
Gareth Reynolds
Hi, Maddie.
Grace
Hi.
Gareth Reynolds
That's my baby boy.
Jake Johnson
What's going on? Baby boy?
Gareth Reynolds
You all right, baby?
Matthew
Yeah, I'm all right.
Gareth Reynolds
Are you?
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Baby girl Rachel gotta get paid, you know what I'm saying? Baby boy Maddie. Sexy ass dog
Gareth Reynolds
from Baby Cooper and baby Whatever. The other guy's name is Connor and Pton. Connor.
Jake Johnson
Connor P. So, hey, Big Matt, have you contacted Peyton and Connor, the Manning brothers? What's going on with those two cats?
Matthew
I have not contacted them in the. I'm just finding out that they didn't. They didn't pay their last. Their last two didn't pay.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, as a commissioner, like. Look, I'm not trying to, you know. Baby boy, you're here with my guy, G. Money. That's good. But hey, man, we got hired by Rachel to get that money. You know what I mean? So, like, either you gonna write a big fat check, not a bank, or you gonna get us. I got money.
Gareth Reynolds
What my partner's trying to say, Matthew, is that it's time for you to step up. We've gone. Rachel's done her stuff. Did you see those messages she sent? You heard what she sent. I mean, they were. Were very aggressive. What did you think when you saw those pop up? What'd you think when you saw those pop up and you listened to those?
Matthew
Yeah, I was pretty intimidated by Rachel
Gareth Reynolds
as you should begin. She's a killer. She's a baby girl with shark's teeth.
Matthew
Thought she really put her foot down.
Gareth Reynolds
Absolutely.
Jake Johnson
Matthew, what are you going to do to help us here?
Matthew
Well, I think to start, I'll try to reach out to Peyton and Connor, but. But they are the type of people who don't answer ever. So we will. We'll start with that. And then I know that they're going to be at. So Peyton and Connor are friends or brothers of my friend Nolan. So I know that they will all be together for the super bowl this weekend. So if that doesn't work, I will contact Nolan because he's good about responding and hopefully get the money from them at the Super Bowl.
Jake Johnson
Let me ask you a question. If Papner counter won, would they receive the money?
Natalie
Yeah, great point, Jake.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Would they contact and go, I won. Where's my money?
Matthew
You know, that's a good question too, because I honestly don't even know if they paid attention much in this. In this league of ours, but theoretically, yes, I think that they would.
Jake Johnson
Okay, so. And when they didn't pay attention where. So, as a commissioner, can I give advice to you and to all commissioners of any betting pools? Gareth. To be the commissioner of a betting pool that we did, I gotta say, I was pretty good at it.
Gareth Reynolds
Phenomenal. I completely agree. And when you stepped down, I said, this is unfortunate.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. And Gareth tried to convince me to come back. I said, let's do it together. We thought about for a little bit, and we both said, it's too much work.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, this year, we thought about redoing it. But then we tried to even get into. Well, we couldn't even go. We were just. We both. We both, at the same time, were like, I can't do this. Yeah.
Jake Johnson
We were like, dude, let's stop. But here's the general rule. This is what I think is really important. This is my $0.02 on this. It be about a month to three weeks before the league starts. You say, whoever wants to play the league starts. Let's say it's August 19th. You must have your money sent to me by Venmo by this date. If you miss the date, you ain't in the league. If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, I think it's. It's not a one for one, but you get the point. I think he's going for the cadence more than the message.
Jake Johnson
And here's the point of it. Then you get, let's say nine people. You tell everybody this amount of money came in. First place gets that. Second place gets this. Somebody goes, Connor goes, hey, brother. Sorry. I was skiing in Vail with my brother Peyton, and Nolan.
Gareth Reynolds
Hey, what's up?
Jake Johnson
Anyhow, man, I want to be in this football league because I love winning, but I hate pain. And you go, it's August 21st, brother. You're out. If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.
Gareth Reynolds
If you don't pay, you can't play. How about this, Jake? How about this, Jake? How about. And this could be. This might be good, too. So you have your deadline. It's whatever. It's a 50. Join. Let's say you get these stragglers. Oh, shit. I missed the deadline. Is it too late to join? Well, guess what? We carved out an extra four days where you pay an extra $25 and you do still get to join. Upping the kitty.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. 10%. 10%. A little punishment.
Gareth Reynolds
So, Matthew, holistic stuff.
Jake Johnson
Matt, are you willing to do that for the next year and going forward?
Matthew
Yeah, I think that's a, that's a great idea. And I've been a part of leagues where that's the, that's the case and it does work out pretty. The only, the only difference with this league was it was, it was a family league and I was really more. I just wanted as many people to join as possible. And I knew if I put those rules up front, we would have got like four people to play, right? And so, but it was a, it was a. Let's put, let's get everyone to come to the draft. We'll draft, we'll pay the winner at the end so that we can just get through that. And then, you know, once we get, once we get Peyton and once we get Peyton and Connor, then that's 100%.
Jake Johnson
Matthew.
Gareth Reynolds
Matthew, baby boy, listen to Jake. Go ahead.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, baby boy, you're out of line here. You had seven out of the 15. She had to do a threatening voice note. We had to get Aya Cash to talk about some acting school thing. She was dropping Guthrie threats because guess what every one of these sons of bitches who won would have taken. It's one thing I can't stand. People go to casinos and then they go like. Or you have like a poker night and they go like, yeah, really fun. Thanks for inviting me. I lost $200. And you go, well, yeah, if you won, you would be celebrated.
Gareth Reynolds
You showed up, didn't you?
Jake Johnson
It's called gambling, baby boy. It's not called earning. This ain't interest. If you don't pay, you can't play.
Rachel
And baby boy, we're finally, we're finally setting the precedent this year though.
Jake Johnson
You have to.
Rachel
Because thankfully.
Gareth Reynolds
But to your point, Matthew, of course everybody's excited to do it.
Jake Johnson
Free money. It's free. Don't have to pay.
Gareth Reynolds
It's awesome. Now you make someone pay $75, you're going to get the people who pay.
Jake Johnson
Peyton and Conor going, this, I don't care. I get everything in life just handed to me on my veil vacations. So I'm just going to get paid
Gareth Reynolds
at the end of this disgusting behavior from the Manning brothers.
Jake Johnson
So, Matthew, you on the hook, Baby boy. This ain't Rachel's problem.
Rachel
So. So Jake and Gareth, do we feel like we need like some other, like, potential, like, like besides Matthew just asking them for the money? Like, do we need like a little.
Gareth Reynolds
I've got a pitch.
Jake Johnson
Like, good call by the way, Rachel. Good call.
Gareth Reynolds
So, super bowl this Sunday, Matthew, where are you going for it?
Matthew
I'll be at my friend's house.
Gareth Reynolds
Who's your friend?
Rachel
They're part of the.
Grace
Sam.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Jake Johnson
You're gonna be there?
Matthew
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Rachel's going. Rachel, that's where you go. You're going? Yes.
Rachel
I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be there, but I know that this person was part of our fantasy football league, too.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, here's what we could do. I think we. I just want Matthew to go to Peyton and Connor. If. If you could go to where they are for the super bowl, you could just have a video message with Rachel making one last plea for the money.
Matthew
Yeah. And I think because these guys are so, so unresponsive most of the time, I think just being able to see them in person could. Could do something.
Gareth Reynolds
I think it'll do that. And if I work one day, most super bowl parties, you're playing some sort of betting game anyway. My guess is they've got a taste for it, so they're gonna be there.
Jake Johnson
Go. I have an idea going off of. This is the guy who hosts a buddy of yours.
Grace
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
So why don't you ask him to tell everybody to bring cash? Because, like, when we used to do UFC fights, we would just do betting as we went. So it'd be like one of us would just be the boon. We're like three to one odds on this. And then if somebody was in, you throw your money in the middle. So after you don't have to go like. Like, hey, Eric, will you pay me the 15 bucks? And he'll go like, I'll buy you lunch on Wednesday. Give me the money.
Gareth Reynolds
It's not a trade.
Jake Johnson
It's not a trade. We're not bartering, brother. Rice walk. Yes. But also, just give me the money. So tell the guy to tell people in terms of like the fun betting pools you guys might do. Everybody bring cash. The reason I say that is then we know Peyton and Connor got cash and on them. And what is the fee? What was the fee to play Rachel? What did everyone have to pay?
Rachel
20 bucks.
Jake Johnson
That's just so little money. This is crazy.
Gareth Reynolds
40. I mean, Jake, if you think about our rate, for what the amount we're working for here, $40.
Jake Johnson
What's hours?
Gareth Reynolds
I don't know.
Natalie
You guys are.
Gareth Reynolds
You guys are really a Rice walk.
Rachel
But I will also say that I would accept. I would accept other forms of payments for the last two if needed. Bottle of wine or no other.
Gareth Reynolds
No, no, you don. Because. Because.
Jake Johnson
Special privilege.
Gareth Reynolds
But this is what Jake just said Eric would do. No, you want your $40. Because you deserve it.
Jake Johnson
And also because if they won, they would want the money 100%. If you don't pay, you can't play.
Gareth Reynolds
You go buy the bottle of wine with the $40. You decide what the bottle of wine.
Jake Johnson
Cuz it's your goddamn money. Matthew, you're on the hook, baby boy.
Gareth Reynolds
That's right, baby boy.
Jake Johnson
So get that money.
Matthew
All right.
Gareth Reynolds
So Matthew, are you comfortable doing that? That hit him up and just basically say, look, break his legs. I don't know about that, Baby boy. Come back down to earth for a minute, Baby boy. You're. You're kind of out of the atmosphere. I don't think we want that, baby. Think about the long term strategy here, baby boy. Come on, get in here, get in here. All right, hug it out. Slow down. You're cooking, but now you're burning the oil. That's a carcinogen. Slow down.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Did you guys see the movie Casino?
Matthew
No, what? I have not, but I know some references.
Jake Johnson
In the movie Casino, there's a guy who gets caught cheating in Bobby De Niro's casino.
Grace
Yep.
Jake Johnson
And Bobby De Niro's character, the security bring him to the back kitchen. You can't cheat because if you cheat, you throw off the whole thing at the casino. You steal the money. The guy's like, sorry, it won't happen again. They open him up, he's got a little beeper. So he and the dealer are cheating more. They cut his. They take a saw off and they cut off his goddamn hand.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, yeah, it's a good movie, Rachel.
Jake Johnson
You know what I'm saying here, Matthew?
Grace
Yep, I hear you.
Jake Johnson
So I would like you to film with your phone. You know what I want you to do? You ever seen the show To Catch a Predator? You guys watch television?
Gareth Reynolds
Where are you guys right now?
Rachel
Born in 2000.
Jake Johnson
Oh, Matthew was born in 2000. That's crazy, man. That's crazy.
Matthew
You haven't seen any of this either. So you can't call me out like
Gareth Reynolds
you guys are missing. These are important things that they're. They could not be more different, but they're both equally important.
Jake Johnson
All right? So Matthew, it's a cultural. The only point of it that's important is you're filming people when they get busted in the act. So what I want you is with your phone, go like this. Hey, Pain. What's up, man? And just take your phone and film them and go like this. This. Hey, man, you and my sister. $20 for the league and he'll go, why you filming It. And you say, for the podcast, these guys have commissioned me to do this. Will you Venmo her right now or give her $20 cash? I'll give to you. I'm the commissioner. And he'll go, like, stop filming me, brother. And go like, you got to pay, man. And then go, why do you think he didn't pay? Is that cool?
Gareth Reynolds
I think he's. Listen, I think he's completely right. And then we also need you to.
Rachel
After.
Gareth Reynolds
After you do that, have him on camera. Agree. That we could use. After the embarrassing. Gotcha. Please say to him, hey, are you cool if they use this on Hulu?
Jake Johnson
Yeah. We were just told now on Hulu we have to get permission, so then say so afterwards. Part of the thing is, so we're
Gareth Reynolds
sending people in on Donnie Brasco sting moments, and then at that, they go, hey, you mind if I make this admissible?
Jake Johnson
But say this because of Hulu. Do you mind? They use this.
Gareth Reynolds
Hey, can we use this? It's for Hulu.
Jake Johnson
All right, Matthew, will you do that and try to get Peyton and Connor to pay on camera? Admit it, and then say yes to Hulu?
Gareth Reynolds
He's not kidding about everything. He just asked baby boy.
Jake Johnson
And then will you guys follow up with us next week? What happens so we can get to that 15 out of 15 aid?
Matthew
Yeah, I think that sounds great.
Jake Johnson
Okay, thanks, guys.
Rachel
Absolutely.
Gareth Reynolds
Thank you guys.
Rachel
Are the best.
Gareth Reynolds
My baby.
Matthew
Baby girl.
Rachel
Baby boy.
Grace
Love you.
Rachel
Bye.
Gareth Reynolds
You're great, guys. All right. Bye, baby boy.
Jake Johnson
You're great, guys.
Gareth Reynolds
You're great, guys. You're great baby boys. Bye, guys.
Matthew
All right.
Gareth Reynolds
Seriously, hang up. Hang up the goddamn phone. Thank you. Love you, baby.
Rachel (follow-up)
Hi, this is Rachel giving a final quick update around the fantasy winnings. So after we chatted with my brother on the episode with Jake and Gareth during the follow up, we were able to get him kind of looped into the situation as he was the commissioner of the league, and he reached out to the two guys that hadn't paid me yet, who really we haven't had much contact with throughout the whole season. And we tried to get them on a FaceTime call to confront them about why they weren't paying. But after a few questions, quick messages back and forth, they did both send over the Venmo, and I really would not have had the courage or excitement to do that without. We're here to help, and I have officially been paid by every member of the league, and that truly is because of your all's help. So I'm sad to not hear the Bell be rung. Maybe I can jump back on just for that sometime soon. But really exciting that everyone paid and it's all because of you guys, so thank you so much. I'm that much richer than because of being on your podcast, so really appreciate you helping a girl out. Thanks again.
Lila
Hello, Jake and Gareth and Natalie and everyone else on the production team, thank you so much for all you do to keep the we're here to help podcasts rolling out. I did want to share a little thought slash note. I was listening to Trash Night Buffet and Fancy Football with Aya Cash this morning on my commute and. And you know, this has just happened one too many times. By the way, my name is Lila, 25 years old, calling from SoCal, but they're talking about the fantasy football league and getting this group to pay what they owe. And then this caller is already in a group chat and yet Jake says, do you have their emails? And I literally screamed and had to stop the podcast. I love the show, but this is Jake Johnson. Specifically, why do you think people are gonna send videos and voice memos over email? Like, I don't know if that's an older generation thing, but truly, I promise no one under 40. I'm gonna venture to say under 40 because my parents are in the early 40s and like, just hear me out. We're not using email that way. And if someone sends a video over email, if someone sent me a video over email, I would be like, what is happening? Like, and she already was in a group chat. She can literally just send the video to over text to the group chat. So listen, I respect my elders, but please, I'm begging you. For future episodes, if there's something you want to share, sometimes it's appropriate to do email, right? Like, if it's like, this is like a fake email from the homeowners association, sure. But if this is like someone you know in your personal life, your mom, your friend, your roommate, like, just send a text. Just send a text. Don't email voice memos. Don't email videos. That's weird. So sorry, but I just really had to get this off my chest. I've been listening for years now, and I hope you'll hear me out. Love you guys. Bye.
Jake Johnson
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our patreon@patreon.com hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.
Gareth Reynolds
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and masterpiece by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
Headgum Announcer
That was a Headgum podcast. That was a Headgum podcast.
Host: Headgum (Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds)
Air Date: March 23, 2026
Jake Johnson (New Girl, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse) and Gareth Reynolds (The Dollop) bring their trademark blend of good-natured sarcasm, camaraderie, and reluctant advice-giving to this episode. This week’s main theme humorously revolves around adults dealing with minor crises—ranging from irrational fears of beans to the death of workplace snowball fights, all capped off by hard-fought fantasy football debts. The episode features live calls with listeners seeking advice, recurring jokes about “baby boys” and “great guys,” and the kind of genuine, improvised riffing only two long-time friends can deliver.
Timestamps: [01:35–08:11]
Notable Quote:
“I don’t wanna be standing on a corner with Dakota and Corey and be like, ‘It’s three minutes away, guys.’” — Jake Johnson [03:14]
Timestamps: [11:00–26:27]
Notable Quotes:
“Sometimes your lover becomes baby boy.” — Jake Johnson [17:25]
“We need to fool Nick into becoming a great guy, without him knowing it.” — Gareth Reynolds [18:03]
“When you have a baby, do you feed it chunks of steak, or do you mush it up?” — Jake Johnson [22:10]
Timestamps: [26:56–45:59]
Notable Quotes:
“You’re throwing snow at people, and they’re not saying anything back to you.” — Gareth Reynolds [37:04]
“Send them a note and go: do you want to have a snowball fight after work? Yay or nay.” — Jake Johnson [37:59]
“We’re gonna change your life just so you can throw snow at someone.” — Gareth Reynolds [45:53]
Timestamps: [46:06–67:49]
Rachel’s Final Update: [68:09–69:18]
Notable Quotes:
“If you don’t pay, you can’t play.” — Jake Johnson [58:47 and repeated throughout] “Rachel’s a killer; she’s a baby girl with shark’s teeth.” — Gareth Reynolds [56:01] “Casino-style justice: in the movie, they take a saw and cut off a hand… not advocating it, but get the idea.” — Jake Johnson [65:05]
Timestamps: [69:18–71:47]
“Nobody under 40 is emailing videos—just text it!”
Baby Boy/Great Guy Binary:
On Morale and Fun:
On Tough Love and Accountability:
True to form, the show is riotously playful and affectionate—Jake and Gareth’s tone alternates between older-brother teasing (“baby boy!”) and light therapy for the anxious or eccentric. Good advice is sandwiched in with bits, improv storytelling, and relentless callbacks. Most solutions are practical but lightened with a healthy awareness that, yes, we’re all “baby boys” and “baby girls” about something.
You don’t need to know the hosts or prior episodes to enjoy #274. You’ll leave with:
To submit your own question for the show:
Email helpfulpod@gmail.com
Watch episodes early Sundays and Tuesdays on Hulu.