275: Moooooove On & No, Sassy, No! (with Luke and Sassy Scott)

Summary

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We're Here to Help — Episode 275: Moooooove On & No, Sassy, No!

Date: March 25, 2026
Guests: Luke and Sassy Scott
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Luke and Sassy Scott (from the "Luke and Sassy Scott" podcast) to tackle two especially quirky listener dilemmas. The first revolves around a boss obsessed with cow stories during work calls; the second involves a mom who can't stop listening to explicit audiobooks in front of her family. As always, the crew blends heartfelt advice, absurdist banter, and playful roast battles. Sassy's outlandish schemes go toe-to-toe with Jake's and Gareth's slightly more measured tactics, delivering a signature mix of comedy and surprisingly useful guidance.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Recounting the “Brothers Living Together” Saga

(00:58–08:37)

• Luke and Scott reminisce about when Luke lived in Scott’s house in Melbourne during COVID.
  • Hilarity ensues as Scott reveals he made Luke sign a legal contract—with a real lawyer—requiring Luke to pat Scott's dogs on entry and to abide by a host of cleaning stipulations.
  • Disputes include accusations of “moldy stink” (Scott about Luke's room) and “disgusting” living habits.
  • This dynamic comparison leads Jake and Gareth to dub themselves the “American Luke and Scott” based on their own quirks.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “You and the lawyer wrote in the contract that Luke has to pat your dog on its head when he comes to your house?” — Jake (03:03)
  • “We had to do couple therapy.” — Scott (06:23)
  • “Your brother creates a disgusting moldy stink just by existing.” — Jake (06:53)
  • "I have a gay hating dog, so that's not going to be an issue." — Gareth (07:18)

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2. Caller One: Ellie’s Boss and the Cow Talk Epidemic

(11:24–42:49)

Summary of the Problem:
Ellie, a remote IT finance worker in Boston, has weekly meetings with her new boss—an enthusiastic cow owner—who derails every scheduled catch-up with endless stories about bovine drama, leaving Ellie bored and wishing for rescue.

• Caller Introduction & Scene Setting:

  • Jake likens Ellie to the “youngest child at a big family dinner” and instructs her to fight for airtime with the verbose guests.
  • The group immediately riff on the situation, Scott shouting: “Hang up!” (14:48), setting a comedic tone.

• Breakdown of Approaches:

  • The Direct Confrontation Approach — Sassy Scott:

    • Encourages Ellie to "find your voice," suggesting she set new meeting boundaries.
    • “Next time you jump on a meeting… I’m going to give you the first five minutes to download everything cow talk with me, but then we’ve gotta move on to the rest of business…Cows aren’t my animals. I’m a fucking bird person.” — Scott (17:56)

  • The Tactical Escape Approach — Gareth & Jake:

    • Suggests subtle tactics: set an alarm (“Oh! I just put a chicken in the oven!”), fabricate urgent time constraints, or fake a distraction.
    • “Maybe lie about childhood trauma and say you’re attacked by a cow and this is triggering for you.” — Luke (22:28)

  • The Cow Shame Audio Gag (GROUP PITCH):

    • Record a staged background conversation during the meeting—someone offscreen comments “Is he talking about cows again?”—to shame the boss and break his monologue cycle.
    • Various impressions are tested live, with Ellie picking Gareth's performance as the most effective (31:16).

• Ellie's Take:

  • Favors the alarm/timer approach for subtlety but loves the “audio shame” gag.
  • “I think the alarm or something in the oven… would be easy. Our meetings are audio only, so the crying [gag] is hard, but I do just laugh—so much.” — Ellie (25:30)
  • After several “audition” rounds, Ellie chooses Scott’s final take for the audio shame approach (40:44).

• Advice Recap & Follow-up Plan:

  • The hosts plan to send Ellie the chosen audio clip and ask her to report back with results—especially if the boss reacts or adapts his behavior (42:06).
  • "If he apologizes softly, giving you the option to hear more or move on in that moment—gotta move on." — Jake (42:11)

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3. Caller Two: Lana’s Mom and the Headphone Erotica Habit

(42:51–67:34)

Summary of the Problem:
Lana from the Midwest discovers her mom listens to trashy erotic audiobooks—with headphones—literally all the time, even during family visits. Lana wants advice on how to put an end to the awkwardness (or at least shame her mom into more discretion).

• Caller Details & Context:

  • Lana's mom wears “huge over-ear headphones” almost continuously and has an Audible library crammed with titles like “The Dom Who Loved Me” and “Unzipped.”
  • After checking her mom’s Audible account, Lana realizes most titles are marked “Finished”—the group is in awe at her mom’s stamina and lack of shame.

• Key Reactions & Strategies:

  • Public Shaming via Tech (Luke’s Pitch):

    • Connect mom’s phone to the living room Bluetooth speaker, so an erotic passage suddenly blasts during family time.
    • “You need to recruit the army. Have the next door neighbor there, another sibling, your boyfriend—everybody’s ready to take the opportunity and run with it…Come from different angles, so she will never do it again.” — Scott (49:32)

  • The Empathic Mirror Play (Jake’s Pitch):

    • Everyone in the house wears headphones at all times—modeling her behavior and making the headphones the issue, not the smut.
    • “You and your boyfriend and your dad and the army… get everybody cheap headphones. When she’s ready for dinner, you all pretend you can’t hear her and only take them off if she does.” — Jake (50:55)

  • Crafting a Custom Smut Preview (GROUP PITCH):

    • Record a fake, hilariously explicit audiobook excerpt tailored to Lana’s mom’s tastes and send it to her as a “recommendation” to embarrass her with the implication, “I know what you’re into.”
    • Sample:
      • “She would finger herself while she was cooking spaghetti bolognese, while she was making pancakes in the morning, she would envision the men coming over, fisting her for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” — Scott, channeling his best faux erotic novelist (61:45)
    • Lana loves this plan: “I totally want to send her what Sassy just said.” (63:47)

  • Best Practices for Execution:

    • Tailor the text so it’s plausible and a little on-the-nose: “Hey, this looks like it's right up your alley, based off what you’ve been listening to.” (64:13)
    • If mom asks for more, threaten to “release” a chapter a week across the next year, making it an ongoing, escalating gag.

• Ethics & Reflection:

  • Jake raises whether shaming is needed: “Why are we shaming mom for perving up? I think we’re shaming because she’s doing it with her kids in the room.” (50:51)
  • Consensus lands: the problem is the disregard for family presence, not the reading material itself.

• Follow-up Plan:

  • Lana will send the audio clip and report back her mom's reaction, with the threat of “the weirdest saga”—a year-long custom-written smut book—if her mom is unfazed.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Ali, you and everybody on your team are replaceable. Don’t sit around not being the person you wish you wanted to be, because one day you could be let go and go, holy shit, the last two years I listened to that dick talk about his cow instead of doing what I wanted.” — Scott, on workplace assertiveness (17:56)
• “Maybe lie about childhood trauma and say you’re attacked by a cow and this is triggering...” — Luke (22:28)
• “She would envision the men coming over, fisting her for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” — Scott (61:45)
• “If that doesn’t work, then when I visit her in a few months, I can do the [Bluetooth speaker] plan.” — Lana, on escalation (64:00)
• “If mom actually wants to read [our fake book], then we write it chapter by chapter… and we will turn this into a year-long, the weirdest saga we’ve ever been part of.” — Jake (65:04)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:58–08:37: Luke & Sassy Scott recount the saga of the contract, living together, and “moldy stink.”
• 11:24–42:49: Caller #1—Ellie’s Cow-Obsessed Boss (problem breakdown, various pitches, live “audio shame” auditions, solution selection).
• 42:51–67:34: Caller #2—Lana’s Mom and the Headphone Erotica (discovery, brainstorming, custom audiobook prank planning, actionable advice).
• Notable “audio auditions” for the cow shame plan: 29:02–41:00
• Smut audiobook prank live-writing sessions: 54:43–63:24

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Final Thoughts

This episode masterfully mixes personal anecdotes, ridiculous sibling beefs, and super-creative crowd-sourced advice, all while teasing the boundaries of appropriateness. The hosts’ chemistry with the Luke and Sassy Scott duo makes for rapid-fire, quotable banter, showing that, even when the advice is perhaps only semi-serious, the results are often surprisingly useful—and always hilarious.

[If you try any advice from this episode, please follow up—they want to hear about your disasters (or unexpected successes)!]

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Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

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[A]

and save over $120. Rise and shine. Average savings, $141. Select homes only. So we are here with Luke and Sassy Scott from the podcast Luke and Sassy Scott. Is that correct?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And we met you guys years ago. We were all in the Bert Kreischer podcast house.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, yes.

[A]

You guys were leaving and we were coming, and we were in that weird house with, like, two kitchens.

[C]

And the dogs are rip to one of these dogs now. But they were. I don't know if they were, like, homophobic or.

[D]

They are famously.

[C]

There. It is because I walked in, I was like, that fucking dog's gonna kill me. It was just eyeing me off the whole time. And I'm like, I'm in Hollywood. I'm at Bird's place, and fucking Jake Johnson's here. What the hell is going on? But the whole time, this dog was just, like, looking at me like, you're my bitch.

[A]

What were you doing back?

[C]

Trying not to make eye contact. Usually I stare anything down, but one of those dogs, I was like, do not look exactly.

[A]

Once an animal, I don't believe in the where they're like, dogs can tell if you're a good person or bad person. Sometimes dogs are just weird. Some dogs have a good read. Other dogs, you're like, you're just bullying. And now I'm at this guy's house and everyone's partying. I don't like you. You don't like me, but you might bite me and I'll feel comfortable around you. Yeah, I want that dog out of here, Al.

[D]

God did that.

[C]

Everything really got an eye. Because I ignored Scott's dogs, It was put into a contract that I had to start patting them when I arrived at his house.

[A]

You swear to God I was in

[D]

a contract,

[A]

Luke, please walk me through that.

[D]

When it got really.

[C]

When it got really bad for Scott and I, he, like, just started pulling at straws, just being like, you don't do this, you don't do that. Then he goes and gets a lawyer. He writes this whole thing. It's got, like, all these points, and one of them is how I disrespect his dogs and I don't acknowledge them when I in and it how of the house and.

[D]

But lawyer wise, how. How serious is the lawyer you paid an actual lawyer, Scott. Or this is like a friend of

[C]

yours categorically paid a lawyer.

[D]

You.

[A]

You and the lawyer wrote in the contract that Luke has to pat your dog on its head when he comes to your house.

[C]

Acknowledge and pat. Because he knew it was the one way to get under my skin. And it did get under my skin. Like, they would be excited to see their uncle, right? They'd be like, oh, look, it's Uncle Luke. How you doing? And he would go, move. These dogs are always just jumping at me. And I'm like, acknowledge them. Say hello. And then they'll go on about their day. Anyway, we blew up one day. Enough was enough. And then I was like, you want to stay living in my house? These are the terms.

[A]

That's a turn. We didn't. Luke, I didn't realize you were living in his house.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[D]

Was.

[A]

That's a turn.

[D]

Oh, you.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

It's a little. So you rented a place.

[A]

Scott, that is different.

[D]

This is a bit of a tennis match.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, let me. Let me. Then just trumpet again. Oh, gosh. Sorry. Let me. So it's gonna be a lie.

[A]

Well, hold on. Scott's lawyer. I would like to hear what he has to say. Scott. Go ahead, sir.

[C]

So Luke was paying probably a quarter of the price, living in one of the nicest homes in Melbourne with a pool during COVID Oh. And yeah, like, out of everyone he asked to move in with, we said, sure, you can come live with us,

[A]

you little kind of you.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Luke, your rebuttal?

[D]

Luke's finger just did a lot of work.

[C]

The most rent I've ever paid in my life. I was as a healthcare worker where I had a. Off. And if I never.

[A]

Off is right. That is not Scott's responsibility.

[D]

I like. I like the way to muddy the waters there with, like, I was a health care worker and who cares?

[A]

It's the most you've ever paid. That the most. I'm not. I'm not gonna pay rent this much. How come? It's way more than I've ever paid.

[D]

I'm not used to it. I'm not used to that amount of money.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sorry. That's a you problem, not a me. Go tend some chicks on a corner if you need more cash.

[A]

So you guys had a big blowout. This was in 2000.

[C]

I kind of remember when.

[A]

And it got ugly. And you said, I'd like you to stay, but we need to go through a lawyer. And, Luke, what was your thought when your brother pulled a lawyer on you to stay. My brother Dan pulled a lawyer on me and made me sign a contract. I'd lose my mind.

[C]

Well, it was the start of everything kind of blowing up for us. And I'm like, you want to stop it all because I'm not patting your dogs that scratch and piss on me.

[D]

It's like a pack.

[C]

There's three of them and they just run and jump.

[D]

It's so hard not coming in cold into this problem. It's so hard to tell the actual emotional tenor of where you two were at.

[A]

I feel. I feel like I am pretty close into it. I feel like this was very real, very heated. There were two really intense sides. Just a picture lawyer at this point. I could kind of see both sides of it.

[C]

What? It's okay.

[A]

We.

[C]

We'll leave it there then. Because you go all day with this guy. It was as easy as you can leave. You don't have to sign it. You don't have to agree to any of these terms. You can just go. However, I won because I didn't have to sign it. I. I was. Then had. I got it down to only having to sign to one clause in the contract. And there was. We had to get a clause. A therapy.

[A]

Therapy.

[C]

We had to do couple therapy.

[A]

You're insane. So, Scott, what were all the clauses? Pat? My dogs go to therapy with me. What else?

[C]

I reckon I could find a contract. I reckon it's somewhere in this room. I think it was like always wiping the benches and not leaving your shit out on a bench, like for a while. Like Joe being saying you had to cl. You had to make your bed every day or like. Because I hate. I hated his bedroom door being closed because there was just like a mold fest in there. So then that meant he had to clean.

[A]

Your brother creates a disgusting moldy stink by existing.

[C]

Yes, Luke.

[D]

And you wanted to be able to look in there and make sure he wasn't.

[A]

Yeah, air it out.

[C]

Correct.

[A]

Luke, your thoughts, by the way. Luke, I'm not with Scott on that. I just want to hear your thoughts. I was just.

[C]

I want him to walk into one of your houses and then talk about what he's seen. Because my room was spotless.

[A]

He can do that.

[D]

I have a gay hating dog, so that's not going to be an issue.

[C]

Yeah, attack him.

[A]

If Scott, you came into my little chimpanzee office, you would die.

[D]

So you are embracing the new title, Jake?

[A]

Unfortunately. I've thought about it a lot. Gareth called my office a. What did you call it? A chimpanzee room or something.

[D]

Yeah, I called it the chimpanzee room. And Jake was like, it's an office, first of all.

[A]

Now I'm like, no, it's actually just a weird chimpanzee room and I'm too old for this and it's humiliated. But you would have the same feelings about Luke, about his disgusting room. You know what our show is actually. Gareth is our Scott. I'm our Luke.

[B]

What a.

[D]

That's a Scott POV right there.

[A]

Oh, by the way, look at us, Gareth, with your hair, with Scott's hair, with your new tattoo. We. This is us.

[D]

My new tattoo sitting forward. Gosh, I want to be tattoo.

[C]

I don't think there's. I don't think there's anything wrong with being main character energy. So I take that as a compliment

[A]

if I were you. It is a compliment.

[D]

And by the way, Scott, I agree with you. It is a compliment. So I might. We might be more aligned than I originally thought. It is a compliment. Thank you.

[A]

And Luke, and by the way, Jake,

[D]

your room stinks like mold. Thank you.

[A]

I know it does. Luke, we smell weird, man. I don't know why. Who cares?

[C]

We just gotta embrace it.

[A]

I agree. It's a little stinky.

[B]

Who cares?

[D]

It's a little stinky.

[C]

All right, my big stinky.

[A]

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[D]

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[B]

Hello.

[A]

How are you?

[B]

Good. How are you?

[A]

Good. Can we get your first name, please?

[B]

Yes, it's Ellie.

[A]

Ellie. So I'm going to tell you right now, Ellie, you're in for a crazy one. And here's what I need you to do. Do not be afraid to jump in and make your voice heard. We got two really funny guys with us, okay? And Gareth and I are big talkers too. So Ellie, fight to be heard. You're the youngest child right now and it's a big dinner. Okay?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. So what is. Where are you calling from?

[B]

Boston, Massachusetts.

[A]

Ah, Boston. And tell us a little bit about. What were you saying? Scott Weston. Perfect.

[D]

By the way, accent wise, you and you and Jake might be aligned.

[A]

I think you and I might be brothers with the accents. So, Ellie, tell us a little bit about yourself before we get in the pro. The problem. What's something about you that's a little interesting.

[B]

Oh. Oh, geez. My dream is to open a mini golf.

[A]

Please, that's.

[D]

That'll do.

[A]

That's. So you are here. I love that. Mini golf is the dream. Probably going to get to that later. You are here with Gareth and I, and then you are here with Luke and Sassy Scott, two guys we've now known for a couple of years. Very funny, guys. I'm really happy they're here. They're from the Luke and Sassy Scott podcast. Say hello, gentlemen. G'.

[B]

Day.

[C]

Hey, Ali. I think it'll be great. You sound like a great personality. I'd love to come play mini golf with you one day. Oh, you're a nightmare. You are such a suck. He can come and play mini golf with you any day. I'm gonna have to pass. But suck. But just remember this later, Ali, the

[A]

first guy who was very likable and sweet to you is our Luke. And the other one was our Sassy Scott.

[D]

You know that.

[A]

So, Ellie, Ellie, what is the issue today?

[B]

Well, I'm having a problem at work. I work in IT finance, which is important for context. I'm a remote worker and my whole team is remote. We're scattered across the country. So last summer I got a new boss and he's. He's a great guy, but he lives in Georgia. He lives like in a really remote rural part of Georgia on a farm. And for the first couple of months, we really didn't work together closely because of the whole transition period. But a couple months ago, we did start working closely together. We meet three times a week for 15 minutes. And it's supposed to be just a quick catch up on my work items or any roadblocks that I'm having. But unfortunately, this increased communication coincides with an event in his personal life where he, because he lives on a farm, he decided to purchase a cow. And so our means have become just straight cow talk again. They're only supposed to be 15 minutes, but at first it was lasting, you know, 45 minutes, 50 minutes. So way past the meeting time and no work was getting done and we were just talking about cows. And it's really just him. Like, he talks non stop and.

[A]

One second, one second. Scott, your thoughts, sir?

[C]

What the. Hang up.

[A]

Back to you, please.

[B]

Yeah, initially I thought he was just like really excited and it would die down, but it hasn't. It's gotten worse.

[D]

How has it gotten worse? You mean it's just longer, more boring, endless.

[B]

I would say it's like he. I think it's really, and this is kind of my concern. I think it's the storytelling style. He gets like a minute by minute, like time stamps, like he leaves no details to the imagination. The cow gave birth and that was a whole situation. And so like I learned a lot

[A]

about cow births and I'm sorry, Ellie, one second. Scott, your thoughts?

[C]

Ellie, have you ever told somebody or asked somebody what you want in your life

[B]

in general? No. Yeah, I don't think so.

[C]

This is a problem.

[A]

Okay, Ellie, back to you.

[D]

Well identified.

[A]

So you're saying she's a bit of a pushover, huh?

[C]

I'm not saying she's a pushover, but we're going to encourage her and get her to find her voice before she hangs up to know how to go, you're fucking with my time now. Two things in this world you don't fuck with. With me, it's my time and my money. And I won't fuck with your.

[D]

This guy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, this is her boss, Scott.

[C]

Yeah, but it doesn't matter. She still has to get the amount of work done for the rest of the day in that amount of time that he's just taken from her.

[A]

Okay, well look, this isn't about. I like what you're doing. This is the first pitch. So before Ellie, obviously Scott's coming in hard and he's saying there's a confrontation here. I don't know if that's my pitch yet. It's early, but I think it's interesting.

[D]

I will say he's polishing off the end of a coffee. So some of this might be bean energy.

[C]

We don't know this is me.

[A]

But it's not the wrong, it's not the wrong sentiment, but. So, Ellie. No, it's not wrong, but will you give us the official question and what can we do to help you today?

[B]

Yeah, no, that's not wrong. And I, I would say I don't think it's really interfering with my work. Like I'm still getting work done. I'm just really bored and over listening to the cow talk. So I guess like my overall question is how do I respectfully make the cow talk stop? Yeah, and sometimes it's not even cow story. Sometimes it's like cow facts because he's never owned a cow. So he's doing a lot of research and it gets deep.

[A]

So let's do this really fast. If everybody's okay, can we just have Scott and Ellie talk for a second? Scott, just say whatever you really feel that she needs to do here. And Ellie, just take all this in and we will too. And we'll get a sense of what's going on.

[C]

And Scott, be kind.

[A]

Look, I don't think that's true. I think, look what Jesus is your other brother.

[C]

Do whatever you want, both of us.

[A]

No, it doesn't. You're no longer living in his house. You signed the contract. You gotta pet his dogs and pay full rent. Scott, what would you like to say to Ellie?

[C]

Ali, you and everybody in your team is replaceable. Don't sit around not being the person you wish you wanted to be because one day you could be let go. And you go, holy shit. The last two years I listened to that dick talk about his cow instead of doing what I wanted. So next time you jump on a meeting, you're going to send him an email and you're going to say, hey, listen, I want 10 minutes with you before our typical agenda meeting style kicks off. And then he's going to get on 10 minutes early, he's going to be like, shit, she's going to resign. And you're going to maybe give him a little bit of fear that if you did leave his team, he's fucked. He's got no one to talk about his cows with anymore. But you're going to say, I'm going to compromise with you from now on, our 15 minute meetings, I'm going to give you the first five minutes to download everything cow talk with me, but then we've got to move on to the rest of business because you know what? Cows aren't my animals. I'm a fucking bird person. So unless you're willing to hear me talk about birds for two hours after you talk about your cow, then I'm out. I've got so much fucking work to do. I respect that you want to live on a farm, more power to your bro. But you got five minutes each meeting.

[A]

Very interesting actually saying five minutes cows, five minutes birds. Creating an animal you care about.

[D]

Luke, five minutes of birds. She's going to be like, also, they love nests. I don't know if you know that,

[A]

but if bullshit's about an animal too.

[D]

And there's something I like a lot there, that pitch. But, but go ahead.

[A]

First I thought it was just going to be abusive, but I started at the end the five minutes to five minutes. You want to talk cow, Ellie, is there an animal that you like or is there, oh, mini golf. It doesn't have to be cow to bird. She can go, he can go, you know, the cow's about to give birth and you go, you know, I really want to do a nine hole. And he goes, you know, the cow, the problem with the birth is if it happens incorrectly, could hurt the cow. You go, you know the problem with mini golf? What I really want is I want one of those dragons you shoot the ball into. Just talk at the same time about what you like. So, Luke, where are you at here?

[C]

To be honest, I liked Scott's pitch. We, we rarely agree, but I think setting some time aside at the start to talk about anything you want a bit of a debrief, then get into work talk.

[A]

And also I want to know, yeah,

[C]

Ellie, do you ask questions? Because you could be, you could be to blame here.

[A]

Interested?

[B]

There's truly not an opportunity. Like it's non stop.

[A]

Oh, he's still.

[C]

Your boss is an idiot.

[A]

Yeah, he just get another job. No, that's not what we're pitching, Luke. Stop it. Scott. Back to you, Garrett.

[D]

I love America 2026. Just find a better job now.

[A]

We're gonna stick with the job. We're gonna stick with it.

[D]

Yeah, I think sticking with the job is right. Here's what I love about Scott's pitch that Luke is co signing. If you say, if you start with cow talk, you can then preface it by saying, hey, you could be like, hey, I want to get into the meeting. But before we do, give me the cow update. What's going on? Yeah, he'll start with the cow stuff and then you can segue right into the work shit. So then you've done cow talk, you're in the worksheet. I think leaving it as the open ended agenda piece is not doing you any favors because it can endlessly go. I have a couple other ideas. One is set an alarm so that at the end of the meeting the alarm goes off and then you go, oh, I'm sorry, I have something. But, but go ahead, Steve Berg.

[A]

Say the chicken just finished, I'm cooking a chicken. You know, you start the meeting, go, I just put a chicken in the oven. I got 15 minutes. Do you think we can cover everything in 15? It's only a 10 minute meeting. So he'll go, oh yeah. Then he goes, one thing about the cow, go, I'm dying to hear about the cow, but I got a chicken cookie.

[C]

Funny, I've got a cow in the oven.

[A]

Or okay, there is some hamburger.

[D]

There is. I was going to say you could have a hamburger ready to go and when you're ready to wrap it up, pull it into frame and just start eating the hamburger. I do like the idea of going tit for tat with mini golf. Just endlessly talking about your mini golf, trying to outpour him. Not that many golf sporting. Even though Scott had a very adverse reaction to your dream. And the last one I was going to say is, just one of these days, just start crying. Fake cry.

[A]

That's not bad, actually.

[B]

Fake cry.

[C]

Maybe lie about childhood trauma and say you're attacked by a cow and this is triggering for you.

[D]

It just. You might not need to get too deep into it, but it's like, he will then be like, oh, my God, there's.

[A]

Yeah, something's happened here, Ellie. I think Gareth might have just hit something here. And Luke was hitting on it too. Do you feel this would hurt your job at all if he said if as he was talking about the cow, you covered your face and did, like the cry thing. And he goes, is everything okay? And go. I haven't brought this up, but when I was a child, I was kicked in the ass by a cow and I got knocked and it messed with my back. And these stories are just really triggering. And just. You go, like, what happened? I was walking in a dairy farm and cow just kicked the life.

[D]

The farmer said to not walk behind it.

[A]

It was my mistake. But this.

[D]

I pulled its tail.

[A]

It just knocked me. I was in the air for 15ft, and I have nightmares about it. And these stories are just.

[C]

And for specificity, say, and what's your cow again? He'll go, you know, a. A Jersey. It'll be one of those Highland Tech. That's what it was. That's what it was. It was a Highland Tech.

[A]

Now, Ellie, going to you for a second. You did a great job with the pitch. It's very clean, and it is a problem. We've kind of got the. The initial thing of just tell him to shut the up. Which I wouldn't do. Oh, but Scott, that's what you said.

[C]

Yeah, I'm gonna be like, mate, I. I could not care for cows. Like, drop it. Find someone else. Go and read it. I'm sure there's a Facebook group for this, by the way.

[A]

That would work against me if I was trying to tell you about chimps. And I was like, dude, a really cool thing about chimps. And you said that to me. I'd go, I'll never bring it up again.

[D]

Well, maybe we should just.

[A]

It's not us, it's just not our thing.

[D]

Why don't we just hear it quickly, Jake, Why don't You do a quick little chimp run up and let's hear Scott cut you off. Just so we get a sense.

[A]

So I think chimps are really fascinating. There's one Michael Jackson had a chimp called.

[C]

The most interesting thing about this conversation is we're listening to somebody else's problems, not yours. Oh, I wanted to hear about the chimps. No, See, my whole job was to be able to shut it down and make them go, I don't want to

[A]

talk about it anymore. It's tough because what's more interesting is the other person's problem.

[D]

Ellie.

[A]

So, Ellie, we've got the idea of. Hey, we in email. Hey, today I've got something quick. You want to just do like five quick minutes and debrief. Debrief at the beginning. I'm getting to work. We've got the idea that I'd put some food in the oven with a timer. Did I miss anything, Gareth?

[D]

No, I think that alarm, like something that you kind of was some. But no, that works too. I was also gonna say have a friend call so you can go, oh, God, I'll call her back. Anyway.

[A]

Yeah, but the main one ended with the crying and then the trauma. Ellie, when you're hearing all these early on, where are you at? Any of them interest in you?

[B]

Yeah, I think the. I think the alarm or something in the oven because I am home and I do cook a lot and our meetings are typically like right before lunchtime, so that would be easy. They are just audio meetings. Like, we're not on camera for this meeting, so. So I think the crying might be like. I think I would just start laughing, honestly. And I have to mute myself so much because I do just like laugh. Like it's fun for a little bit. And then you're like, all right, this is just getting out of hand. But I also have tried the whole just check in about the cow at the start really quick. And I made the mistake of I was actually checking on the baby because I guess the baby hasn't been doing well. It's been getting sick a lot. But I called the baby a cow and then I got lectured on proper cow names for like 40 minutes. So, yeah, so that failed.

[D]

I got one more.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

My other one would be. Okay, my other one would be that we create a scenario where you have a pre recorded voice and I would pitch at Scott's saying something to the effect of, are you done with your call yet? Or is your boss going on and on about cows again? Something that you then go, honey, shame. Him now or.

[A]

And then Gareth. It's either that or it's your partner or your roommate.

[C]

That.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Saying, like, going. Just even going like this. Hey, you've been on for more than 20 minutes. Come on, I need to talk to you. And then you going, hey, I gotta go. Could you do something like that with your boss, though, before shaming?

[D]

I think the reason why. The reason why I want the cow in there is like, we're imagining that Ellie talks to Scott, who lives with her and is like, basically doing what

[C]

she's done to us.

[D]

He just doesn't shut the up about Cass. Scott comes in, not thinking the boss is on the phone, makes fun of the cow situation. Ellie, not now, Scott. I'm in. Still talking to my boss. But we get it out there to the boss without Ellie saying it. That. That this is a bit of fodder and he's overdoing it.

[A]

You know what Ellie could do. Stop, Stop. I like hearing about it and then in the background.

[D]

No, you don't.

[A]

And it takes the whole fucking meeting.

[D]

Yeah, something like that, yeah.

[A]

Ellie, what do you think? If we did something like that, would you play it during the meeting and see what happens?

[B]

Yeah, I think. I think that could work.

[C]

I think it's your only option these days.

[A]

I wouldn't say these days. That seemed to be a weird thing to add. Like, these days, specifically.

[C]

Yeah, well, we don't really have much else going.

[A]

Okay. We have a lot going.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And a lot of pitches.

[A]

We're early on. We're not dying in the desert, and this is our only chance at hydration. But I'll pitch if we.

[D]

If we uncorked Scott for a minute to do a cow tirade. Then you take this. Do you take these calls on your phone or on a laptop computer? All right, so then you get ready.

[A]

Easy.

[D]

You got a fucking audio file. You turn it on when it's time.

[A]

Great idea.

[D]

And you pause it once. No, I'm actually still on the meeting. And then you unpause it. Oh, let me guess. He's going on and on about his cows again.

[A]

And then. But then, Ellie, you have to then in real time, go like. Scott, stop.

[B]

Yes, I could do.

[D]

You're embarrassed.

[A]

All right, so let's. Let's see what we got. And then, Luke, we're going to try you next.

[C]

Done.

[A]

Okay, so, Scott, three, two. Whenever you're ready.

[C]

Oh, my God. Ali, how long did that phone call go for? I can hear you talking all the way in the other room and. Oh, my God, I Knew he was talking about that stupid friggin cow again. It's as if I'm on the phone calls with him now he doesn't shut the hell up. Are you kidding me? What did he say this time about the friggin stupid thing? Actually, you know what? You should ask him when's he going to chop it up and we get to have hamburgers out of it.

[D]

She has to jump in and stop. Do you want to have Luke do it? Luke, do a tape, Jack. All right, let's see. Let's see what happens.

[C]

Did you just call me Jack?

[D]

I did.

[C]

Jack.

[A]

You pulled a me.

[D]

There's Jake, there's no excuse. Everything you just said is completely right. I thought I'd get away with it too, if it wasn't for these rascally kids.

[A]

It's so embarrassing when it's mortifying. So I've called Gareth in the middle for no reason. Gary.

[D]

Let's also say the best of one time. Jake looked at our poster art for my.

[A]

I forgot his name. I've known him for 20 years. All right, so Luke, now you got to think she's on the call, so this has to be in the bg, but she's got to hear cow and humiliation fast.

[C]

All right, done.

[A]

Three, two. Let's see what you got.

[C]

Ali, you said the meeting would go for 20 minutes.

[D]

I want my coffee.

[C]

How much longer it's gonna go for? All you do is talk about cows. You hate cows.

[A]

Interesting. Scott, was he like this as a roommate?

[C]

Yeah. He's a prick. Did he.

[A]

I want my coffee work for you, sir?

[C]

Yeah, we're gonna go walk off and

[A]

get a co. Again. I thought you meant like, make me cough.

[C]

No, j. I thought that too.

[A]

Okay, Gareth, let's hear you do it.

[D]

All right, all right, here we go. I'm so glad that you're off that call. Did that dude go on and on about that freaking cow again? Oh, God, I'm sorry, I. You're the one who always complains.

[A]

Ooh, Ellie, early on, what are you thinking?

[B]

I like Garrett. I'm sorry.

[A]

Okay, so now let's give everybody a second chance. But, Ellie, will you jump in and give everybody direction? Okay, okay. So Scott was first. What would you like to say to him before? How do you think this is going to work? Because you're the one pulling this off.

[D]

And Ellie, remember, Scott is an actor, so direction could be very helpful here.

[B]

I think it would probably be short and like, I don't know, maybe just like. Is he talking about counts again? Or something like that.

[A]

Fun. And then, Ellie, jump in with what you will say because we can mute that out so that you can get a response. Does that make sense?

[B]

Yeah. I don't know if I'd say something or if I would just mute myself. Like, because you can tell when somebody mutes themselves. Like, it will show interesting on the screen. So I might just, like, mute myself very suddenly.

[A]

And then when you go. Then when you go on. Ellie, would you do, like, an apology?

[B]

Yeah. Yep.

[A]

So. So let's hear that.

[D]

So we're looking for this in one,

[A]

basically, so, yeah, we can get a sense of the whole thing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. So when you're gonna mute, just go like this. Hey. And that means you've now muted. Okay, Ellie, you call Action when you're ready.

[B]

Action.

[C]

Oh, my God, Ellie, is he talking about this stupid cow again?

[B]

Wait, I forgot what I was.

[A]

But by the way, Scott, that was interesting.

[D]

I think in your version. I think in your version, Ellie, you don't have to do anything. I think that is all we really need. And I agree that was pretty good.

[A]

Ellie, what did you think of that?

[D]

Embarrassing.

[A]

All right.

[D]

I mean, that's a real cow shame.

[A]

Let's do it one more time, Scott. Let's just see it, because that's a real option.

[C]

Ali, is he talking about this stupid cow again?

[B]

Oh, that was good.

[A]

Ellie, what do you think? Now let's give some direction to Luke. Luke was the one who told you. Luke was the one who told you. Get off the call and get me some coffee. I want to live here. I'm not paying you full rent. I never paid rent like this. And I not greeting these dogs. That's who Luke is. So give me guys, no feedback.

[C]

That's great.

[B]

I'd probably say get your own coffee.

[C]

I am woman. Hear me raw. That's right, Luke. Get your own coffee. And stop telling women what to do. You had turn cut. Your mic's on your mic.

[A]

All right, so, Luke, go ahead.

[B]

What?

[A]

Luke.

[C]

Oh, no, no, I'm good.

[D]

I'm good in performance.

[C]

I'm going to say we're going to the cafe. We're not going. Get me a coffee.

[A]

Okay, see what you got. Three, two. Get the coffee.

[C]

Ally was supposed to be at the cafe 20 minutes ago.

[B]

No.

[C]

Are you still talking about cows? You hate cows.

[A]

Ellie, your thoughts?

[B]

I like it.

[A]

You can be honest.

[B]

I don't know if I. I like the second half like that. Like the last night. I feel like it would be a bad book to be, like, in a rush to Go get coffee. In the middle of my birthday?

[A]

You can't go.

[C]

You sit there for an hour and talk about baby cows.

[A]

So, Luke, you created this whole coffee day.

[D]

Luke, sure. Jump ship. Darn.

[A]

I know. But this whole rewrite you've done of this coffee thing.

[D]

A coffee plot is interesting. It's an extra coffee.

[C]

That's the real problem.

[D]

We haven't heard.

[C]

We haven't heard Jack do one, to be honest.

[D]

That's professional actor.

[A]

Yeah. All right, let's go. Three, three, two. Hey, let's go to this weird coffee thing. This is this whole other storyline that doesn't matter. Oh, right, you got that stupid thing about cowboys.

[D]

That's pretty good.

[A]

Thanks, I like that.

[D]

Now you've got a couple coffee options, Ellie, which are good.

[A]

Gareth.

[D]

All right. How was cow boss? Let me guess, he talked about cows the whole time. Oh, really?

[A]

But you're. You're editing. Oh, really? That's her going, oh, you're imagining she's doing the hang.

[D]

And she means.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh my God, it's so good.

[A]

Okay, Ellie, your thoughts?

[B]

There's some. There's some really good contenders in there.

[D]

I. Ellie, I just want to say on behalf of all the contestants, it's just an honor to be, you know, thought of for this competition. So go ahead.

[B]

Gareth wins.

[A]

Gareth wins the truth. Now, what do you. Which one do you like again? We're going to do a final round with one cut. It's going to be Luke.

[C]

No, I'm done.

[D]

Cinderella story.

[A]

So cut one of us. And so it's a heads up match for the thing. Who would you cut of the three?

[B]

I'm gonna cut the coffee date.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[C]

Mini golf business.

[A]

Remember the beginning how much you liked mini golf? What did it get you? You're cut, baby.

[C]

See, I'm not going to that business. I'm not. I'm not posting it on our social media, Nothing.

[A]

Okay, so now, Ellie, we've got Scott and Gareth doing one last thing. Give them one round of notes, then this is going to be the one you use. If you like it, we're going to send you the clip and we are going to ask you to call back after it goes because I do think this could work if you get it right. Luke. Go ahead, buddy.

[C]

I think she might be against Australians, so Scott, go in with an American accent here too. Oh, I can try.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

Yeah,

[D]

it feels like sabotage.

[C]

She's against. She doesn't like Australians. And we should have said that from the start.

[D]

Maybe.

[C]

Okay, I can try. I'm gonna like do like a really

[A]

basic thoughts to the contestants.

[B]

I would say. I don't think I should swear just because he seems like a very, like

[A]

proper, so American, you know, great. So no vulgarity.

[B]

But other than that, I don't. I can't think of anything.

[A]

Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna keep this clean. We're gonna go. It's gonna be totally silent. Then Scott is gonna do his. Nobody's gonna say anything. Gareth, take a real 10 second pause. Do yours. Nobody say anything. Ellie. Without thinking of funny or feelings or the show. Pick your winner.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. So we're going to take 10 seconds of silence. Scott. Then delivered. Yeah. Then Gareth, take a nice beat. And then Ellie, the.

[C]

My mother makes me mess my mini Ms. On a Monday morning. Oh my God, is he talking about those stupid ass cows again? I. I swear you've been talking on phone with him forever.

[D]

I actually heard him talking about the cows this time. What is with this dude and Cat? Oh,

[B]

I think g. I'm sorry, Scott.

[C]

Don't be sorry.

[A]

I would say on that for sure. Luke sabotaged you. That was such a weird thing without the accent.

[C]

Scott, he killed.

[D]

Do we want to give one more chance with the accent? Just for options. We want Ellie to win, we want

[C]

Ali to win that.

[D]

Win the problem. Yeah.

[A]

Are you okay? One last round with Scott doing his normal accent.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, so let's go.

[C]

Maybe Irish accent.

[D]

Luke, get out. Luke, get out. Luke.

[A]

So let's do the same. Five seconds of silence. Five seconds. Then Ellie, make your pick.

[C]

She jumped in.

[A]

Well, you didn't take the five seconds.

[C]

Oh my God. I heard him talking the whole time about cows. I hate them the same amount as you.

[D]

Ellie. I heard him today. I finally listened. This dude, I think he's having intercourse with the cow. Oh, no. I thought I'd already laid my final one out there.

[C]

Oh, you chose. I thought you. I thought I was just giving Scott one more chance.

[D]

Listen, I've put my work out there before.

[C]

That's.

[D]

I have options.

[A]

All right, so, Gareth, other read or Scott's new read? Ellie,

[B]

I. I like Scott's now.

[A]

I kind of do too, to be honest.

[D]

I think it's good that it gives your POV like cats out of the bag a little. That's what I like.

[A]

So how about we do this story

[B]

for this Australian man in my home that I just.

[D]

No, you don't.

[A]

You don't.

[C]

No. We get around, us Aussies, we travel. Don't worry.

[A]

Yeah, so here's what we're gonna do. Ellie, Jesse, can you send her just that last scotch clip and Garris previous one as their own little audio clips? And then can you try. I don't know how it's possible if he calls to record it so that we hear a little bit of him, then we hear the. The response, and then we hear if there's any change. Because that would be really nice if we heard him go like, oh, sorry. Now I'll tell you, if he says, oh, sorry, am I rambling? Don't do the Midwest thing where you go like, not at all.

[D]

I love.

[A]

It's all good. Maybe we'll just move on to the work stuff. What were you gonna say, Scott?

[C]

I'd be like, yeah, you were. You were talking about cows again.

[A]

Let's not. Let's not dig any harder. Yeah, this is the boss. So, Ellie, are you gonna actually do this?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. We'll send you those two clips and we appreciate it and I think it's gonna work.

[D]

Follow up.

[A]

But Ellie, be tough if he apologizes softly, giving you the option to hear more or move on in that moment. Gotta move on.

[C]

Move on.

[A]

Got it.

[D]

You get it.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Good nights.

[A]

Their time.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

First time, just didn't acknowledge it.

[A]

Didn't acknowledge it, but got it. Thank you, Ellie.

[D]

Thank you, Ellie.

[C]

Finally. Don't it up. Don't it up. Boo. You got this.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

How you doing?

[B]

Good. How are you guys?

[A]

Good. Could we get your name, please?

[B]

I'm gonna go by Lana for this call.

[A]

Lana, we're gonna do a special segment here. It's obviously gonna be we're here to help with me and Gareth, but it's also going to be Go Sassy, Go, a segment from the Luke and Sassy Scott podcast. So you're gonna get a little bit of extra fun. So welcome to the first ever collaboration with we're here to help and Go Sassy. Go, Lana.

[B]

Wow, that's crazy.

[A]

It's crazy. Hey, Lana, that's Sassy.

[C]

Hey, Lanner.

[A]

And that's the guy who's cheering Sassy

[D]

on Luke, no matter how much he doesn't want to.

[A]

So where are you from? What's the issue? What can we do to help?

[B]

So I'm in the Midwest and I'm in my 20s. Usually you ask how old I am, but we'll go with that. I am in my late twenties. Anyway, the reason why I'm calling is my mom lives a few states away, so I only see her a few times a year. But when I do. She's always wearing these, like, huge over the ear headphones. She'll be doing, like, tours, hanging out, or even like, talking to my boyfriend with these big headphones on.

[C]

She's autistic.

[B]

I really never thought twice about this until I asked her to share her audible account with me. When I downloaded was filled with these trashy book covers of these shirtless men with oiled up abs and titles like. Exactly. And like, some of the books were called the Dom who Loved Me Unzipped and College Love Never Hurt. So good.

[A]

Oh, my God, Mom, I'm horny. This is a turn on.

[B]

Yeah. So I immediately share this with my boyfriend and he's like, oh, my God, your mom has been listening to book porn while spending time with us.

[D]

What?

[A]

Easy.

[B]

So I need advice on how to like, get my mom to stop this or at least, like, shame her a little bit. Because, like, you can't be listening to erotica while spending time with your family.

[A]

That's true. Lana, this is really interesting. Unzipped.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Garrett pulled up unzipped. It's a photo of people about to.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

So with a bike. Lana, here's my question to you. Just because all of this is checking out. I get it. What do you mean? She's listening to it while you guys are hanging out with big old headphones. You only see her a few times a year. She's got headphones on. She's listening to smut.

[B]

Yeah, obviously she doesn't like us that much, but she'll be just like, spending time on the couch. We'll all be together watching tv. She has her headphones on. Or she'll be like, in the kitchen with her headphones on cooking dinner. And I never.

[C]

I'm just jumping in listening to this is. This is screaming daddy issues. Where's dad?

[B]

Dad is there. Or they say they're happily married.

[C]

Yeah, they probably are. But you dad can't fulfill your mother 100%. She has to take responsibility for that. And it sounds like she is.

[D]

Go sassy. Go.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

but yeah, I think that's a fair.

[D]

Here's the distinction that I want to make sure is clear. So she will hang out with you and be a present person, but in the in between moments when she's prepping stuff or doing her own thing, she's listening to these kind of trashy novels.

[B]

Well, the headphones are always on. I should always Conversation with me and my boyfriend headphones.

[A]

Does she have. Does she have anything going on, like autism?

[B]

No. I think like, maybe my dad does but my mom doesn't.

[A]

But because it could be she's. Are we. It could be she's just trying to regulate sounds, which is a different animal and a different pitch than she's listening to smut. How confident are you? Because we're gonna go your road. So you're confident this is not an audio sensory issue. This is a. Mom's just pervin out because she's bored with us.

[B]

100. My mom, like, is the most extroverted person in the world. She loves talking. But around us, headphones on. And I know she's listening to my. Because, like, I sent in pictures of all these audiobooks. Like 90 of them say finished.

[A]

Oh, okay, let's take a.

[D]

In what way? No, I'm just saying she finished.

[A]

Rocco Luko Roga. Cruel Promise. Finished. Burning Ivy. Finished. Hot Stuff. Finished. Black Ties and White Lies. Finished. Between Never and Forever. Finished.

[D]

Oh, there's more. Oh, my God. The Damu Loved Me.

[A]

Finished.

[D]

Exposed. Bad Liar. Finish the Happy Ever after playlist.

[A]

Okay, so Mom's addicted to these. And these are 10 hours.

[D]

Okay. She is getting after it. Holy. I mean, we're just seeing endless evidence.

[A]

Luke, your first thoughts, where you at when you hear all this?

[C]

I. I'm thinking, good on Mum. But secondly, if you want it to stop where my head's going, she's not going to be great with technology. You're going to get a new speaker and you're going to have it in that living room, and you're going to connect the Bluetooth to the speaker.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And then once it's at the juicy part of the book, then you're gonna shame her and be like, what the are you listening to?

[A]

That is so interesting. Connect to another speaker. So all of a sudden you're all together and you go like, mom, what are you listening to? And she goes like, huh, Dylan's penis

[D]

was finally seen all hearing. Yeah, I think that's a very. It's a very good way to handle it. I mean, I think especially, you know, when she's in there prepping dinner. Get like a little mini Mega Box or something like that and connect it. You might need to find her phone and do some of the work there, but I definitely think that's a good way to sassy.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

Honestly, that's so easy. Like, I just bought them an Alexa device for Christmas so I could see.

[A]

So we're not locking in on that yet. That's just a great first pitch.

[C]

No, I'm just gonna add. I'm Just gonna add, like some specificity to it. Now. You need to recruit the army. You need to have multiple players in the game ready to go. So it's not just you shaming mum, dancing on it. Have the next door neighbor there and then another sibling or your boyfriend. Everybody's ready start their piece when they hear it. Because let's say you've only got two seconds of a playing on the speaker before a technical issue comes into play. You've all got to just be ready to take the opportunity and run with it and be like, what were you listening to? Hang on. Is that every time you've got the headphones on, you're listening to porn Mum. Like, everyone's got to come from a different angle, that she will never do it again.

[A]

Let me throw something out, because that would be effective. I just have to say in hearing that, all of a sudden, I don't know if we're going in the right direction. And here's why. Because I think sassy. Because I'm the opposite of go, Sassy, go. I'm no sassy. No. My thought strange. I'm this no sassy, no.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why are we shaming mom for perving up? I think we're shame because she's doing

[C]

it with her kids in the room.

[A]

Right. But here's what I bottom lip. Like, if she's. If she's going to the next level. Yes. But if she's just doing dishes and pervin, who cares? Here would be my pitch. You and your boyfriend and your dad and the army that Sassy was talking about get everybody cheap headphones. And you all wear headphones at the same time around her. So when she's got him and she's like, you guys ready for dinner? You go, like, what? And do the. No one can hear anybody. So she wants you guys to take the headphones off and you go, we'll only take them off if you do. And then she could say, what are you listening to? And you say, like, dom and lover, and you're all listening to the same smut she listens to. So she has to go. It might be a little weird that I have headphones on, because I think it's the headphones that are issue more than the smut. But, Lana, it's about what you think. That's just a second pitch.

[B]

No, I think both of these are really good options. I do think shame is a big part here. Like, I feel like it's hard to kind of embarrass her because she's so out there. Sometimes I like the idea of showing her how ridiculous the behavior is when we all have headphones in as well. But I also like the idea of, like, guests being over and then them hearing, you know, smut on the speaker.

[A]

You know what we could also do? If you want to do the embarrassing thing? You could tell her mom. I got. I was looking at your book titles, and I got a book you might like. It's just a preview and we could make up. Sassy could improvise a Sassy and Luke could improvise two minutes of a book preview and just make it really disgusting and smutty. And you can go. I thought you would like this based off your other reading.

[B]

Yes. I love that.

[A]

So, Sassy, is this a go Sassy go or a no Sassy? No.

[C]

This isn't going to be recorded and out there forever for my children to hear.

[A]

You're trying to help a woman.

[C]

Yeah, but I'm doing this with my brother, and I'm gonna talk smart.

[D]

I gotta be honest, I'm shocked at the pushback. It's all good. But I am.

[A]

I really am really surprised.

[C]

I'm ready to go. Feeling comfortable.

[A]

Okay, how about this then?

[C]

You don't naturally.

[A]

I get it's brothers.

[C]

I'm naturally X rated. So that's what's bro.

[A]

Let's. So let's do this.

[D]

You're worried.

[A]

Let's do this. Luke, maybe don't chime in. So it's not two brothers. Unless the book is written by brothers.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

because it could be. Okay, Two different narrators.

[C]

Yeah, we don't want it to be.

[A]

How about this? The book is about a house that one brother owns in Malibu. And it was during the pandemic when everything got shut down and the one brother hired a lawyer to make his brother sign a clause. But then things happened with the lawyer. I can't go.

[D]

He slept with the lawyer.

[C]

Scott. Guys. And I'm. I'm narrating this, right?

[A]

Yes. Okay, so then we're gonna go back to you, Lana, and you're gonna tell us if you like it and if you would actually send it to your mom. So my only thing is, Scott, try to make it seem like a preview for a real book.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

And then mom gets a little bit like, what are you sending me? And then Lana goes. I looked at. I was trying to surprise. I looked on your audiobook. This is what you seem to like. So I thought you might like this. But it's got to be X rated enough where mom goes, like, I can't believe everybody's basically seen my Google search history.

[B]

I love this.

[A]

You like? Okay, so let's try it. So, Lana, on your action, whenever you're ready, call it. And then, Lana, how about you give some notes because it's your mom.

[B]

Okay, so I'll say action, and then afterwards I'll give the notes. Right?

[C]

I need you. I need your mom's name. Can I have your mom's name?

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Oh, is this going to be aired on the podcast?

[D]

We can beep it.

[A]

No. Well, yeah, you know what?

[C]

It will be. Let's give her a fake name. Julia.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Let's call her Donna.

[C]

Donna, not Julia.

[D]

Good pitch though, Scott. Tough, tough start.

[C]

Are you calling action?

[B]

Wait, what?

[C]

Are you calling action or you want me to scare for a bit?

[B]

Oh, sorry. Three, two, one, action.

[C]

So my brother called me and he told me to come to the house. He said Donna was going to be there waiting for me. And I thought that was strange. So I jumped into a car. And on the way, I called my lawyer and I said, I think Donna's going to be there with my brother. How's this going to play out? And the advice was, don't think of Donna. Don't think of your brother. Think of her daughter. So as I pulled up at the house, I saw Donna's car. Donna's daughter wasn't there, but as I walked in, she was sitting there waiting on the kitchen bench with milk poured all over her. Okay, you do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Weird.

[C]

It was kinky. But we wanted dirty.

[A]

It was more like, I don't know what's going on. And then. Why has you got milk all over her?

[D]

That's from the last remnants from the last cow call, I think.

[A]

You're welcome.

[D]

Thanks.

[C]

Gareth gets it.

[D]

It's a cow back.

[C]

Is it hot in Malibu? It'll be sticky milk.

[A]

Yeah, it will be. And it would be moldy. It would smell bad. Moody. It would smell like Luke's room in my chimp office. Luke, you want to give this a try?

[C]

I don't think I Shut the up. Can we try? Let's do it together. Have two people talking. Just dirty for us, Scott.

[D]

Ew.

[C]

Okay. You and Gareth do it.

[A]

I don't think two is gonna be a book. Guys, we gotta. So, yeah,

[B]

quick.

[A]

Like a one minute preview of a book that she can get a sense of what the book is. But we're trying for mom as an insect. What's that?

[C]

Mine was an inset.

[A]

Yes, sorry.

[C]

With the preview of the entire.

[D]

What do you. What you're about to say the bottom line of what you want the reaction to be, Jake?

[A]

I want the reaction to be mom going like this. Oh, my God. I can't believe my daughter sent me this. Why would she send me this? So that Lana could say, because I looked at what you like, and I thought you might like this audiobook, right? So that mom goes, I'm listening to way too much weird stuff around the kids so that Lana can go when I'm there. You always have your headphones on. So I was curious what you were listening to, so I checked your site, and what I saw was all these books. So I think you might like this one. Okay.

[D]

All right, let me give you a taste.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

A preview.

[A]

Three, two.

[D]

Underwater Porking is a ribald novel from famed authority Don Shapiro. The book goes in deep to a Hollywood pool cleaner in the 1970s who cleaned way more than the grime off of dirty pools. Every house he went to, he tried to lame the framework. He wanted to be inside whichever woman lived in the house. When the husbands are away, the cats indeed play. Underwater Porking is a very special adventure.

[A]

Pretty great, man.

[C]

I want to read it. Not just listen.

[A]

My only issue with that is I think she might want to read it. I want to read Underwater Porky.

[C]

You're. You're talented.

[A]

That was interesting. Lana, what do you think?

[B]

I mean, honestly, I think it needs to be dirtier. Like, it needs to be something that, like, you don't want to hear.

[A]

Yes, I see.

[B]

Like you're coming from your daughter.

[A]

Let me give. Let me give it a shot.

[C]

Yeah, Unless.

[A]

Unless sassy. You got a chance because it. Did that inspire something?

[C]

No. All I. I thought, like, where we could, like, make the edits, like, where the cats would play. It would be like Donna's plays.

[A]

So this is more of the zone Sky.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Can you make it about that? How dirty she is, but she can only have sex while she's got her headphones on.

[A]

Now you're just getting pervy, Luke. Yeah, now it's a. You want the audio clip? You're like this. Could you make it about a guy whose room is weird and moldy?

[C]

Make me the main character.

[A]

Yeah, make everybody turn off their zoom cameras and make it about a guy who hates dogs.

[C]

No, I can't. I can't do what you just did there, Gareth. That's incredible.

[D]

Yeah, I think. Jake, would you want to give it a shot? Jake? You want to do a filthy one?

[A]

Okay, and what was the name of the thing you said? Porking in water.

[D]

There Was something Underwater Porking.

[A]

Okay. Okay, ready? Jack Wilson brings you Underwater Porking, a book about the 1970s where women's pools, holes from the front and the back get dug out and cleaned out. If you think these pussies from the trees are watching, wait until these pool cleaners dig out these pussies. Pussies. Lana, your thoughts?

[B]

Is that it?

[A]

That was an attempt.

[B]

No, I think that's perfect.

[A]

So give. Give some notes to Scott, because we're gonna end with Ghost, because he almost.

[D]

Scott. Scott.

[A]

At one point, I looked at him in the middle of it, and it really threw me.

[D]

It's like.

[A]

So, Scott, the thing is called Underwater Porkin. It's an Australian writer.

[C]

All right.

[A]

We are looking to make it real and discussing. So mom can go like, whoa.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna try.

[D]

Glasses are off.

[C]

I just. No, I. I just want everyone to know, you know, the older I get, the gayer I get, which just takes me further away from, you know, being comfortable with pussy talk.

[A]

But then it could be gay. It could be two men.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Who cares?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

These days you guys are in la, right? Like, who cares? Whatever.

[A]

Who cares? Yeah. So make it about two men. Ready? Three, two.

[C]

This book titled Dipping in Donna, brought to you by Scott o', Halloran, is a book about a story of a desperate housewife who had fallen in love with the man and the voice in her head. She listened to him on headphones all day long as the pool cleaner, as her daughter, as everybody came over to her house. She would finger herself while she was cooking spaghetti bolognese, while she was making pancakes in the morning, she would envision the men coming over, fisting her for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

[A]

Scott, I think it was excellent, actually, because what you did, you actually might have just completed the pitch. I was losing a little bit of what we were doing when I was

[C]

doing the pussy stuff.

[A]

I lost track. But what you've done is you've made it about her in a way where she's like, oh, my God, they think I'm masturbating.

[C]

Sassy, go. Thanks, Blake.

[A]

Lana, your thoughts connect to the Bluetooth and just play it. You can do the army there. You can just get everybody wearing headphones, too. Or you could play one of these. Mine would be Sassy's final one, even though Gareth was very good. I think she might want to read that. I. And mine was terrible.

[D]

I might be writing it, to be quite honest.

[A]

Yeah. But I would say Sassy's at the end, especially because it's about a woman. Masturbating while wearing headphones in her family's there. That's a huge swing, Lana. So of the three we got connect to Bluetooth, all wear headphones around her, send her what Sassy just said. What do you think you're gonna do?

[B]

Okay, I totally want to send her what Safi just said. And then if that doesn't work, but I think it will, I will, like, because since she lives a few states away, if that doesn't work, then when I visit her in a few months, I can do the.

[A]

Yeah, and then will you send it to her via text so we can see her response and be like, I just came across this book. I think you might like it. Like, what would you actually say in the text, Lana?

[B]

I think it would be just like that. I'd send her the audio clip and be like, oh, my gosh, I just heard this audiobook and it made me think of you. Yeah.

[A]

So I'm sorry I interrupted because I got an inch. Right up your alley is great.

[D]

Literally.

[A]

Yeah. So you go, I just heard this audiobook. And maybe. And from after looking at the other ones you've read and finished, this one might be right up your alley. Is that too on the nose?

[B]

No, I think that's perfect. But what if she actually wants to read it?

[A]

Then you go, I can't find it. Scott has to write a book.

[D]

Then we.

[C]

Sounds like I have to. I've got a book deal.

[D]

Then we. Then we can reach out to Scott and we can have Scott record the first half of the chapter, and right when things get hot, he can go, mom, what are you doing? Why are you listening to this stuff?

[A]

Or you know what we actually could do, Gareth? If Scott, if you're down, if mom's interested in reading it, we'll do it chapter by chapter. We will write a book. We will all take turns writing chapters. And yoga. She'll go, you'll go, it's actually somebody I know. It's a friend of mine. So you're just getting it as it comes. And we will turn this into a year long, the weirdest saga we've ever been part of, where we will write a personalized smut book for a moment.

[C]

I've never been more down with an idea before.

[A]

And then in the end, we would bring her on and it'll be the perverted Truman Show. And we'll go, there's not a book. And she'll go, is this Scott? It's like, yeah, it's. This is crazy, Mom. Now we gotta break it down for you. So if that happens, we could have the craziest year long play. But Lana, what do you think we're enabling her?

[B]

Yeah, I think we'd be enabling her for a year to have the biggest intervention.

[D]

We bred crummer to the intervention.

[A]

Exactly. Right.

[C]

And then we get a New York Times bestseller out of it as well.

[A]

Yes. And so on it tell us specifically what you're gonna do.

[B]

Okay, so I'm gonna take the recording of Safi's audiobook clip. I'm gonna send it to my mom. I'm like, hey, this looks like it's right up your alley based off what you've been listening to.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Hopefully she's like, that's disgusting. Why do you think that I'm listening to this?

[D]

I mean, she.

[A]

And then what? But what do you say then?

[B]

And then if she's. I'm like, okay, I'll try to find it for you. I don't know.

[A]

But you don't know what you say. There is. You go, this is based off what I saw. You liked.

[C]

Yeah, I'm over.

[A]

You always have those headphones on. I was wondering what you're listening to because you have them on when we're there. And I saw it's dominated by my lover. It's all these books.

[C]

Mom audible wrapped you posted on Facebook. Mum, I know what you're into. Yeah.

[A]

I know what you like.

[D]

Fisting.

[B]

I know what you like. Yeah. Hopefully it makes her feel shame. But if it doesn't, then when I visit her at home, everybody connects her phone to this. I was thinking maybe the speaker thing.

[A]

Great.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah, I like that too.

[C]

Me too. That was phenomenal, actually. That was a great start.

[A]

That's great start. So, Lana, I think you're in good shape. We will send you Scott's clip. Will you send us a photo of the text you send with her and then hopefully her response.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then follow up with us. See what?

[D]

Yeah, we should get a follow up soon on this.

[A]

I'd say I'm really curious what mom says after this because maybe she's just going to laugh and go, what is this? And if so, you go, my friend made it. I thought it was really funny. Oh.

[D]

She goes, what are you doing?

[C]

That's your dad's account.

[A]

Go sassy. All right, Lana, thank you for the call. Follow up with us.

[D]

Yes, will do.

[B]

Thank you guys.

[D]

Thank you, Lana.

[A]

Anytime. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gary Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please Email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[C]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston editing, mix and master by

[D]

Chris Faller, theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast. That was a Headgum podcast.