Transcript

A (0:02)

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

B (0:15)

Early birds always rise to the occasion for summer vacation planning because early gets you closer to the action. So don't be late. Book your next vacation early on VRBO

A (0:24)

and save over $120. Rise and shine. Average savings, $141. Select homes only. So we are here with Luke and Sassy Scott from the podcast Luke and Sassy Scott. Is that correct?

C (0:58)

Yeah.

A (0:59)

And we met you guys years ago. We were all in the Bert Kreischer podcast house.

B (1:05)

Yes.

C (1:06)

Oh, yes.

A (1:07)

You guys were leaving and we were coming, and we were in that weird house with, like, two kitchens.

C (1:14)

And the dogs are rip to one of these dogs now. But they were. I don't know if they were, like, homophobic or.

D (1:22)

They are famously.

C (1:24)

There. It is because I walked in, I was like, that fucking dog's gonna kill me. It was just eyeing me off the whole time. And I'm like, I'm in Hollywood. I'm at Bird's place, and fucking Jake Johnson's here. What the hell is going on? But the whole time, this dog was just, like, looking at me like, you're my bitch.

A (1:41)

What were you doing back?

C (1:44)

Trying not to make eye contact. Usually I stare anything down, but one of those dogs, I was like, do not look exactly.

A (1:52)

Once an animal, I don't believe in the where they're like, dogs can tell if you're a good person or bad person. Sometimes dogs are just weird. Some dogs have a good read. Other dogs, you're like, you're just bullying. And now I'm at this guy's house and everyone's partying. I don't like you. You don't like me, but you might bite me and I'll feel comfortable around you. Yeah, I want that dog out of here, Al.

D (2:15)

God did that.

C (2:17)

Everything really got an eye. Because I ignored Scott's dogs, It was put into a contract that I had to start patting them when I arrived at his house.

Summary

We're Here to Help — Episode 275: Moooooove On & No, Sassy, No!

Date: March 25, 2026
Guests: Luke and Sassy Scott
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Luke and Sassy Scott (from the "Luke and Sassy Scott" podcast) to tackle two especially quirky listener dilemmas. The first revolves around a boss obsessed with cow stories during work calls; the second involves a mom who can't stop listening to explicit audiobooks in front of her family. As always, the crew blends heartfelt advice, absurdist banter, and playful roast battles. Sassy's outlandish schemes go toe-to-toe with Jake's and Gareth's slightly more measured tactics, delivering a signature mix of comedy and surprisingly useful guidance.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Recounting the “Brothers Living Together” Saga

(00:58–08:37)

Luke and Scott reminisce about when Luke lived in Scott’s house in Melbourne during COVID.
- Hilarity ensues as Scott reveals he made Luke sign a legal contract—with a real lawyer—requiring Luke to pat Scott's dogs on entry and to abide by a host of cleaning stipulations.
- Disputes include accusations of “moldy stink” (Scott about Luke's room) and “disgusting” living habits.
- This dynamic comparison leads Jake and Gareth to dub themselves the “American Luke and Scott” based on their own quirks.
Memorable Quotes:
- “You and the lawyer wrote in the contract that Luke has to pat your dog on its head when he comes to your house?” — Jake (03:03)
- “We had to do couple therapy.” — Scott (06:23)
- “Your brother creates a disgusting moldy stink just by existing.” — Jake (06:53)
- "I have a gay hating dog, so that's not going to be an issue." — Gareth (07:18)

2. Caller One: Ellie’s Boss and the Cow Talk Epidemic

(11:24–42:49)

Summary of the Problem:
Ellie, a remote IT finance worker in Boston, has weekly meetings with her new boss—an enthusiastic cow owner—who derails every scheduled catch-up with endless stories about bovine drama, leaving Ellie bored and wishing for rescue.

Caller Introduction & Scene Setting:
- Jake likens Ellie to the “youngest child at a big family dinner” and instructs her to fight for airtime with the verbose guests.
- The group immediately riff on the situation, Scott shouting: “Hang up!” (14:48), setting a comedic tone.
Breakdown of Approaches:
- The Direct Confrontation Approach — Sassy Scott:
  - Encourages Ellie to "find your voice," suggesting she set new meeting boundaries.
  - “Next time you jump on a meeting… I’m going to give you the first five minutes to download everything cow talk with me, but then we’ve gotta move on to the rest of business…Cows aren’t my animals. I’m a fucking bird person.” — Scott (17:56)
- The Tactical Escape Approach — Gareth & Jake:
  - Suggests subtle tactics: set an alarm (“Oh! I just put a chicken in the oven!”), fabricate urgent time constraints, or fake a distraction.
  - “Maybe lie about childhood trauma and say you’re attacked by a cow and this is triggering for you.” — Luke (22:28)
- The Cow Shame Audio Gag (GROUP PITCH):
  - Record a staged background conversation during the meeting—someone offscreen comments “Is he talking about cows again?”—to shame the boss and break his monologue cycle.
  - Various impressions are tested live, with Ellie picking Gareth's performance as the most effective (31:16).
Ellie's Take:
- Favors the alarm/timer approach for subtlety but loves the “audio shame” gag.
- “I think the alarm or something in the oven… would be easy. Our meetings are audio only, so the crying [gag] is hard, but I do just laugh—so much.” — Ellie (25:30)
- After several “audition” rounds, Ellie chooses Scott’s final take for the audio shame approach (40:44).
Advice Recap & Follow-up Plan:
- The hosts plan to send Ellie the chosen audio clip and ask her to report back with results—especially if the boss reacts or adapts his behavior (42:06).
- "If he apologizes softly, giving you the option to hear more or move on in that moment—gotta move on." — Jake (42:11)

3. Caller Two: Lana’s Mom and the Headphone Erotica Habit

(42:51–67:34)

Summary of the Problem:
Lana from the Midwest discovers her mom listens to trashy erotic audiobooks—with headphones—literally all the time, even during family visits. Lana wants advice on how to put an end to the awkwardness (or at least shame her mom into more discretion).

Caller Details & Context:
- Lana's mom wears “huge over-ear headphones” almost continuously and has an Audible library crammed with titles like “The Dom Who Loved Me” and “Unzipped.”
- After checking her mom’s Audible account, Lana realizes most titles are marked “Finished”—the group is in awe at her mom’s stamina and lack of shame.
Key Reactions & Strategies:
- Public Shaming via Tech (Luke’s Pitch):
  - Connect mom’s phone to the living room Bluetooth speaker, so an erotic passage suddenly blasts during family time.
  - “You need to recruit the army. Have the next door neighbor there, another sibling, your boyfriend—everybody’s ready to take the opportunity and run with it…Come from different angles, so she will never do it again.” — Scott (49:32)
- The Empathic Mirror Play (Jake’s Pitch):
  - Everyone in the house wears headphones at all times—modeling her behavior and making the headphones the issue, not the smut.
  - “You and your boyfriend and your dad and the army… get everybody cheap headphones. When she’s ready for dinner, you all pretend you can’t hear her and only take them off if she does.” — Jake (50:55)
- Crafting a Custom Smut Preview (GROUP PITCH):
  - Record a fake, hilariously explicit audiobook excerpt tailored to Lana’s mom’s tastes and send it to her as a “recommendation” to embarrass her with the implication, “I know what you’re into.”
  - Sample:
    - “She would finger herself while she was cooking spaghetti bolognese, while she was making pancakes in the morning, she would envision the men coming over, fisting her for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” — Scott, channeling his best faux erotic novelist (61:45)
  - Lana loves this plan: “I totally want to send her what Sassy just said.” (63:47)
- Best Practices for Execution:
  - Tailor the text so it’s plausible and a little on-the-nose: “Hey, this looks like it's right up your alley, based off what you’ve been listening to.” (64:13)
  - If mom asks for more, threaten to “release” a chapter a week across the next year, making it an ongoing, escalating gag.
Ethics & Reflection:
- Jake raises whether shaming is needed: “Why are we shaming mom for perving up? I think we’re shaming because she’s doing it with her kids in the room.” (50:51)
- Consensus lands: the problem is the disregard for family presence, not the reading material itself.
Follow-up Plan:
- Lana will send the audio clip and report back her mom's reaction, with the threat of “the weirdest saga”—a year-long custom-written smut book—if her mom is unfazed.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“Ali, you and everybody on your team are replaceable. Don’t sit around not being the person you wish you wanted to be, because one day you could be let go and go, holy shit, the last two years I listened to that dick talk about his cow instead of doing what I wanted.” — Scott, on workplace assertiveness (17:56)
“Maybe lie about childhood trauma and say you’re attacked by a cow and this is triggering...” — Luke (22:28)
“She would envision the men coming over, fisting her for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” — Scott (61:45)
“If that doesn’t work, then when I visit her in a few months, I can do the [Bluetooth speaker] plan.” — Lana, on escalation (64:00)
“If mom actually wants to read [our fake book], then we write it chapter by chapter… and we will turn this into a year-long, the weirdest saga we’ve ever been part of.” — Jake (65:04)

Timestamps for Major Segments

00:58–08:37: Luke & Sassy Scott recount the saga of the contract, living together, and “moldy stink.”
11:24–42:49: Caller #1—Ellie’s Cow-Obsessed Boss (problem breakdown, various pitches, live “audio shame” auditions, solution selection).
42:51–67:34: Caller #2—Lana’s Mom and the Headphone Erotica (discovery, brainstorming, custom audiobook prank planning, actionable advice).
Notable “audio auditions” for the cow shame plan: 29:02–41:00
Smut audiobook prank live-writing sessions: 54:43–63:24

Final Thoughts

This episode masterfully mixes personal anecdotes, ridiculous sibling beefs, and super-creative crowd-sourced advice, all while teasing the boundaries of appropriateness. The hosts’ chemistry with the Luke and Sassy Scott duo makes for rapid-fire, quotable banter, showing that, even when the advice is perhaps only semi-serious, the results are often surprisingly useful—and always hilarious.

[If you try any advice from this episode, please follow up—they want to hear about your disasters (or unexpected successes)!]

wavePod

275: Moooooove On & No, Sassy, No! (with Luke and Sassy Scott)