277: Once an RA, Always an RA & Gym Survey (with Aaron Chen and Sean Clements)

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 277: “Once an RA, Always an RA & Gym Survey”
With Aaron Chen and Sean Clements | Aired April 1, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, comedians Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds join forces with guests Aaron Chen (stand-up comic, “Funny Garden” on Netflix) and Sean Clements (“Hollywood Handbook,” writer), unpacking the show’s signature blend of dubious yet heartfelt advice. The focus: two callers facing unique frustrations—one, a workplace “stress ball vigilante” plagued by a noisy desk-mate, and the other, a gym-goer perplexed by an enigmatic neighbor’s shirtless, lights-off meditation.

Expect banter on old writing collaborations, the etiquette of confrontation, the peculiarities of office and gym “disturbances,” and, as always, plenty of comedic “pitches” on how to help.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Chit-Chat & Comedy Credentials

Timestamps: [00:44]–[06:00]

• Name Mishaps: The opening conversation (with Sean Clements and Aaron Chen) features playfully mangled name pronunciations, reflecting the group’s history with each other and love of running jokes.
  • Jake: “Let’s do a game: every single time in press, we all see each other’s names differently just a little...” [02:11]
  • Backstory about an Armchair Expert appearance and mutual creative admiration.
• Spotlighting Projects:
  • Sean briefly shares the origins of his “Hollywood Handbook” podcast: “We’re kind of goofing around. We’re being silly... Now it’s just, every week, what do we want to kind of be rude to our guest about?” [04:29]
  • Aaron plugs his Netflix special “Funny Garden,” discussing its floral motif: “Just a vase of flowers. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a backdrop.” [03:16]
• Shared History: The banter touches on the evolution of their creative partnerships and the formative experiences on “Alan Gregory” and “The Dink.”

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2. Call #1: The Office “Stress Ball” Saga with Nick

Timestamps: [11:47]–[46:31]

The Caller’s Dilemma:

• Background: Nick, from Omaha, experienced severe layoffs at work, leaving him isolated among new colleagues.
  • “The seating chart’s constantly changing... I’m basically a department of one...” [14:31]
• The Disturbance: A nearby coworker is constantly fidgeting with a loud “stress ball”—pop-popping relentlessly, intruding on Nick’s peace and productivity.
  • “This stress ball is from hell... it sounds like a toddler destroying a water bottle.” [15:11]
• Nick’s Approach: He’s not confrontation-averse (ex-RA at college), but finds it tricky with status dynamics and absent allies. When it became unbearable, he resorted to “stealing” the ball after hours—only to find another appeared the next morning.

Memorable moment:

• Jake, after Nick describes his covert operation: “You stole the thing. This is cool.” [25:43]
• Nick’s admission: “On the way home, my wife starts popping it, and she’s like, ‘I can’t believe how loud this thing is.’” [25:17]

Panel’s Advice & Reactions:

• Confrontation Tactics:
  • Sean suggests a “peace offering” approach: “Buy four different stress balls that have a noise that doesn’t drive you crazy... I want you to be able to do whatever fidgeting, stress-relief thing you need to do...” [30:23]
  • Jake proposes a “power move”—bring in lots of (possibly fake) awards to establish office cred before any confrontation. “We’re going to get all your awards up, man... She’s thinking, ‘This no-awards motherfucker coming to my door...’” [22:52]
• Escalation/Alternative Pitches:
  • Go “fire with fire”: supply everyone with an even louder noise-maker, creating chaos until management bans them [38:16].
  • Use an anonymous note: “To whoever is using this squeaky toy… can you please use it less or not at all. This is a shared space...” [37:56]
• Ultimate Solution:
  Consensus leans toward involving management, with Sean and Jake noting Nick’s “RA roots,” encouraging him to channel his intermediary skills:
  • “Go to the boss and you tattle on the kids who are partying too much. Guess what? They’re making too much noise.” [44:37]
  • “Once an RA, always an RA.” [45:02, Sean]

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3. Call #2: The Lights-Off Gym Habit with Ben

Timestamps: [49:09]–[73:31]

The Caller’s Dilemma:

• Setting the Scene: Ben, who recently moved into a building with his girlfriend, frequents the gym and has a “bro nod” rapport with another regular (“Alan”).
  • “I’d say probably a majority of the times that I walk into the gym and the lights are off, when I turn the lights on, I see my new friend in there, lying on the ground... with his shirt off...” [51:43]
• The Issue: Alan frequently uses the gym in darkness for stretching/meditation, unperturbed when others flip on the light. Another neighbor feels “weirded out.” Ben is unsure whether/how to address it and is curious about the reasoning.

Panel’s Advice & Reactions:

• Interview Approach: Sean recommends just asking out of curiosity—in a friendly, nonjudgmental way:
  • “I’ve noticed this a couple times. I’m just curious, is it a meditation routine...? What are you doing?” [55:25]
• The Survey Gambit: Jake ups the ante, suggesting Ben frames the conversation as an official “gym culture survey” by management, burying the darkness inquiry among other neutral, routine questions to gather intel:
  • “Ask ten questions. It’s so boring. And then one third. ‘Do you ever come in here when it’s dark and someone’s in here in the dark?’” [61:05]
• Roleplay Practice: The panel improvises the dialog, with Aaron playing “Alan” and Ben trying various approaches—ultimately nailing it via the survey approach. Sean raves: “This isn’t even part of the survey; I’m stepping out now. We’re just people talking. You’ve piqued my interest.” [71:43]
• Final Steps: The group advises Ben to post results as a laminated “community consensus,” including tips like, “keep shirts on,” “clean up after yourself,” and “lights on,” thus depersonalizing any one issue.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Jake (on awards arms race): “We build up your real creds. But they’re fake creds. All those people you worked with, you’re getting awards for that. You’re a graphic designer. You can. I’m talking 30 awards, eight to ten a day...” [35:30]
• Sean (on going fire with fire): “You get noisy ones for everyone and you make it so bad that they have to instate a company-wide policy that no one can actually...” [38:16]
• Aaron, full of faux confidence: “You and I go live on a farm... We take care of each other. Two big strong guys and we look after each other. We raise a cow.” [29:03]
• Jake (on gym code of conduct): “Thanks for everybody taking the survey. This community concluded that we, A, prefer headphones... C, keep the lights on. D, please keep your shirts on...” [62:07]
• Sean, sensing progress during roleplay: “It’s obviously going to feel like you’re reading while you do this, but at least let’s make it seem like it’s something you’ve read before.” [72:37]
• Final Guidance to both callers: “Once an RA, always an RA.” [45:02]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Opening banter & intros: [00:44]–[06:00]
• Office stress ball problem (Nick): [11:47]–[46:31]
  • Nick’s story: [14:31]–[26:26]
  • Panel pitches & solutions: [30:23]–[46:23]
• Gym lights-off mystery (Ben): [49:09]–[73:31]
  • Issue described: [51:43]–[54:39]
  • Panel’s advice & roleplay: [55:13]–[72:47]

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Overall Tone

The episode blends earnest engagement with raucous, tangential riffing—jokes about awards, running gags about RA authority, and theatrical “bad pitches.” Advice is heartfelt but never far from parody. Guests and hosts trade playful barbs, encourage honest confrontation, and ultimately urge listeners to take action while keeping things light.

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Closing Summary

Whether counseling a “stress ball vigilante” stuck in an ever-shifting office or an uneasy gym-goer, Jake, Gareth, Aaron, and Sean deliver advice as a team—part comedians, part advice columnists, and all-in on the bit. The takeaways? Office politics might demand the wisdom of an RA, a little fake swagger, or just decisive action; gym mysteries may best be cracked with a clipboard and faux authority. And above all, awkward situations, approached with humor and empathy, often make for the best stories (and the most fun listening).

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Follow-ups Pending:
Both callers—Nick (office) and Ben (gym)—are encouraged to check back in with their results, promising future updates and running jokes for the show.

Transcript

[Ben]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Headgum podcast. And we are back with two guys.

[Sean Clements]

Guilty as charged.

[Aaron Chen]

And I'm one of them.

[Jake Johnson]

You are one of them.

[Aaron Chen]

Thanks for saying that. How you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. How you doing?

[Aaron Chen]

I'd say this is three guys. We're back with three guys.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true. I guess from my eyes, I'm just seeing the two of you.

[Sean Clements]

He's only looking at the two guys. But when you look at two guys, there's one guy looking back.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly right. This is the dink team.

[Aaron Chen]

This is a dink team.

[Jake Johnson]

This was the. This is part of the inner circle.

[Aaron Chen]

And what a dream.

[Jake Johnson]

Dream team.

[Aaron Chen]

It was a dream.

[Jake Johnson]

Sean Clements.

[Sean Clements]

You know it?

[Jake Johnson]

How do I know, huh? How'd I do it? The last name.

[Sean Clements]

So I usually. So I usually say Clemens.

[Jake Johnson]

Clemens with a T. Clements.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Then I say Clements, and you say

[Sean Clements]

Clements, and that's okay. And I'll tell you the truth. When I went to my family reunion in Canada one year, some of the. Some of the family members up there said Clements. So they're like, French Canadian.

[Jake Johnson]

Remind me of our backstory with this. I was doing press for something, and I said, showing Clements, but it's Clemens.

[Sean Clements]

It was. I can't believe I even reached out. But you were so nice. You were on, I think, Armchair Expert.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but.

[Sean Clements]

And you were talking about doing the ding. And you gave me a really nice shout out.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I mean it. Writer friends. And I respect the hell out of you.

[Sean Clements]

And same right back at you. I mean, I had written this movie with. With you in mind, with Jake's voice. I said, I'd love to work with this guy. I love what he does. And so. But you said, yeah, Jake Jones, son. And so I was like,

[Jake Johnson]

wrong every time.

[Sean Clements]

That'll be good.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do a game every single time. In Pres. We all see each other's names differently just a little. And we don't. Nobody goes over the top, but it's just a little bit different every single time. And see who can pushed the most. So right before it comes out, it's just gibberish.

[Sean Clements]

Well, that's. Yes, we can do that. But you said. You said. You just said to Dax, like, you were like, wow, my. You know, my friend wrote this. This very funny script. Sean Clements, I think he said it twice. And maybe my wife heard the clip or said it. She was like. She's like, this is so nice of Jake. He's saying your name.

[Jake Johnson]

Weird. So, Aaron, what's the standup Special you got.

[Aaron Chen]

I got a stand up special is coming out on Netflix.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm excited for you.

[Aaron Chen]

It is on Netflix on March 31st. It's called Funny Garden.

[Jake Johnson]

Funny Garden, Yeah. Great.

[Aaron Chen]

It's kind of about beauty. Great.

[Jake Johnson]

What was the inspiration for Funny Garden?

[Aaron Chen]

Well, there's going to be flowers on stage.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's your backdrop?

[Aaron Chen]

Just a vase of flowers. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a backdrop.

[Jake Johnson]

You didn't do it. You just cut some flowers.

[Sean Clements]

Another show right after. You got to be able to move them off.

[Jake Johnson]

There was a backdrop.

[Aaron Chen]

Just a curtain black.

[Jake Johnson]

So there was a black drop.

[Aaron Chen]

It was in an alleyway.

[Sean Clements]

How many flowers are we double digits

[Aaron Chen]

or there's low double digits, so not high. 90 flowers would be crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

90 flowers.

[Aaron Chen]

There would be 20, 15 to 20 flowers.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you just bought them right before the show.

[Aaron Chen]

Unless you count each petal as a flow.

[Jake Johnson]

Nope. And did you. Was it planned or the last second on the way to the show, did you just see a flower guy get it and say, I'm gonna put this on stage. And then later, oh, maybe I named Funny Garden. Yeah.

[Aaron Chen]

I was like, this is actually most of it.

[Jake Johnson]

And Sean, apart from being a writer that you and I met on Alan Gregory years ago, I know the short lived animated John Fox, but it launched

[Sean Clements]

so many wonderful careers.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. We've been poker buddies.

[Sean Clements]

Sure have.

[Jake Johnson]

You're also a podcast man. Let's tell this audience about your goddamn thought.

[Sean Clements]

Okay. All right. I do this. It's stupid, I hate it. But I do this podcast. It's called the Hollywood Handbook. It's me and my friend Hayes Davenport, and we just. We're kind of goofing around. We're being silly on the show. You know, it's really hard to explain. Originally the show had, like, sort of a premise, but now it's just every week. Just what do we want to sort of be kind of rude to our guest about?

[Aaron Chen]

Very offensive.

[Jake Johnson]

Were they rude to you?

[Aaron Chen]

They're always rude to me.

[Jake Johnson]

They're rude to me too.

[Aaron Chen]

I'm like, I'm struggling to talk to Sean right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, so you feel like something changed?

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like he's gonna attack me.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Not here.

[Aaron Chen]

I'm not here. Not here.

[Sean Clements]

This is your safe zone.

[Aaron Chen]

Thank you.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then we had a character in the Dink.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

There was a breakout star, a best

[Sean Clements]

friend character that had all the funniest scenes. We need somebody hilarious.

[Jake Johnson]

That was the Sean. So you got the handbook. Comedy voice, which is the tougher Meaner shot. But then you got the PJ voice. That's the big cat. And then when we were casting it, we were having a hard time, and I'd remembered the Spitz video.

[Aaron Chen]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jake Johnson]

That the great Trent o' Donnell showed me years ago at New Girl. And from that day, I was like, I have to work with this guy.

[Sean Clements]

Jake said your name very early. He was like, I'm a big fan of Aaron Chen. He's really funny.

[Jake Johnson]

He's gonna crush.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But, man, we had no idea you were gonna crush so hard.

[Aaron Chen]

That's an unbelievable pun.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Aaron Chen]

The Spits video is crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

It's crazy.

[Aaron Chen]

It's about spitting on the dog. Some people really hate it.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I can believe that.

[Aaron Chen]

And some people love. Love it.

[Jake Johnson]

What I love about it is how you do it. And I love that when you're fighting with your. Because your character in it believes it's okay to spit on your dog's head.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And that looks. People aren't going to like this, but your. Your character's point is it's okay because the dog doesn't even get.

[Aaron Chen]

It doesn't understand the spit.

[Jake Johnson]

And your dad is really mad at you.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

For doing something as stupid as spitting on a dog's head.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah. And rightfully so. I think in the end, he. Yeah. I pull him into my point of view, and I think. I think that's what PJs like.

[Jake Johnson]

I do, too.

[Aaron Chen]

I think he spits on dogs as well.

[Sean Clements]

Isn't that comedy? Is that you just start with a premise that people instantly re. You sort of walk them through your logic until they go like, son of a. They got a point.

[Aaron Chen]

That's that video.

[Jake Johnson]

That might be the whole thing.

[Sean Clements]

Can I ask you, Jake, before we go. So I saw some podcast news today. Are we on Hulu right now?

[Aaron Chen]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Aaron Chen]

This is.

[Sean Clements]

We are.

[Jake Johnson]

This is Hula.

[Aaron Chen]

Okay.

[Sean Clements]

I'd like to know that ahead of time, because I will be more hilarious.

[Jake Johnson]

Which is their own strong.

[Sean Clements]

That is their own.

[Aaron Chen]

That's awesome.

[Sean Clements]

Yes. That's their marketing term. That their comedy is considered hilarious.

[Aaron Chen]

Hilarious. Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

And so if that's. If that's the bar that I'm trying to live up to, then I need

[Jake Johnson]

to be aware, then I apologize. I should tell you that. Yeah. This will be on Hulu.

[Sean Clements]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

So you got to be a little bit more.

[Aaron Chen]

We're gonna bring it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

And what flavor? Because I might copy. What are you putting in that spinach? You got strawberry, you got chocolate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

It's interesting. This took a really. What? You said you named it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do we get to. No, we all want to know the robot's name. I got a little, like, a thing for the end of the bed where I put all the bedding like a grown man should.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Sean Clements]

Hello?

[Aaron Chen]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Nick]

Hello.

[Sean Clements]

Hello. Hi.

[Nick]

Hey, how's it going?

[Sean Clements]

Oh, never mind. What do you need?

[Nick]

Sorry.

[Sean Clements]

No, I'm sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello?

[Sean Clements]

Hi, it's Sean.

[Nick]

Hi, Sean. I am calling for the Word to help Podcast.

[Sean Clements]

Okay, good. All right, go ahead. So that's what I'm here for, too, so.

[Nick]

Oh, cool.

[Aaron Chen]

What is your name? Oh, what is it? Nick. Nick. That's awesome. Nick. I got Nick. And how many. How many years are you in? I mean old.

[Sean Clements]

When's your birthday, Nick?

[Nick]

My birthday? Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

When's your birthday?

[Nick]

It's November 22nd, you looking to get

[Sean Clements]

anything special this year?

[Jake Johnson]

You guys are doing an awesome job.

[Aaron Chen]

Is this how you host the show?

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Nick. Hey, Nick. It's Jake.

[Aaron Chen]

Oh, yeah. That is a good way to do it. How you just did it.

[Jake Johnson]

He's our special guest and that was awesome.

[Sean Clements]

Felt good here.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Nick]

What is happening,

[Jake Johnson]

Nick? You got the writer of the Dink and an old friend, Sean Clemens.

[Sean Clements]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Roger.

[Sean Clements]

That's me.

[Jake Johnson]

Was that one it or did I do that one?

[Sean Clements]

That was perfect, dude. I loved it.

[Jake Johnson]

I did do it fast.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And the great Aaron Chen. And from the stand up special.

[Aaron Chen]

Funny. God. And I'm also from Australia, Nick, if that helps you.

[Nick]

It does help me.

[Jake Johnson]

He's also gonna be the breakout star of the Dink, I'm telling you right now, Nick.

[Nick]

Okay, okay, I'll take that.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Nick, where are you from?

[Nick]

I'm from the Midwest. The big Omaha.

[Jake Johnson]

Omaha, Steve. Bird country. So, Nick, what can we do for you today, buddy?

[Nick]

It's a great question. I've been a bit of a pickle, guys.

[Sean Clements]

Pickleball.

[Nick]

Okay, so we got the company I work for. There's been like in the last few years, there's just been non stop layoffs, right? So like whole teams wiped out. Somehow I've survived like every round and

[Aaron Chen]

I don't think I'm equipped to deal with this. Just.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's see what happens.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, sorry, go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Aaron got nervous.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, he's getting scared.

[Jake Johnson]

He's gonna do great. He didn't realize this was going to be a real problem and he panicked. But he doesn't realize he's ready for this.

[Aaron Chen]

Well, ready.

[Sean Clements]

I'm talking through it.

[Aaron Chen]

You were at layoffs. There's been a lot of layoffs at the company.

[Sean Clements]

You work for Lockheed Martin.

[Nick]

Yeah, so. So the, the seating charts constantly changing. I mean, like, I'm with my team, but like now I'm basically like a department of one. I'm just. I'm flying solo out here. And I'm always, you know, every week it's like, go to the third floor. Go to the fourth floor. I got my seating charts changing. And so now I'm just surrounded by this, this. I mean, probably 15 strangers. I don't really know a whole lot of people. And. And this boss comes by his team and he's like, hey guys, I got some stress balls. And he just drops them off. And then he goes back in his office and pretty much everyone ignores them. Except for one lady, and she does not. And I'm telling you, this stress ball is from Hell, it is. You put. It's like a rubber ball with a bunch of bubbles. You push them in, they pop out. It sounds like a toddler destroying a water bottle.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, just so when she. It's like a dog toy. It makes some sounds.

[Nick]

Yes. It's just a lot of popping and crinkling.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And so she's like. She's like five feet from me. She says about five feet. And I've tried ignoring it. I put on headphones. I upgraded to noise canceling headphones. I still hear. I mean, it's constant. And so this here's what's tough is that I believe in some good, healthy confrontation of, like, hey, I used to be an ra, so I'm like, let's have these difficult conversations. You know, I'm all about that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

So. So this is. I didn't go to college, but I study college. So an RA is a resident advisor. So the people who live on a floor at college, there's like, usually sort of an Eagle Scout sort of dorky person there who comes. Comes and knocks on the door, goes like, hey, knock it off. You can't have your music that loud. Or, like, I better not see that bong getting ripped. And it's like. It's all sort of. Like, it's all sort of pageantry because, like, of course they're gonna rip the bong, and of course they're gonna. But they need somebody there to tell them that they can't because you don't have your parents. It's your first time in your life, and there has to be some. So Authority.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

Some strong authority figure.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Nick, does that sound about right?

[Nick]

That's pretty close. I've had, like, residents come up and be like, my. My roommate's still in my shampoo. And, like, so I have to have that conversation.

[Sean Clements]

You got to solve it. Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

It is funny that there is such an element of the pageantry, because they're not. You're. You're just another student.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. There's. There's no actual power.

[Jake Johnson]

But you can't say, like, if you stole the shampoo and you go, like, you have to give it back. If they say no, then you, Nick, as the area do have to get somebody else.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You can't go in there.

[Sean Clements]

You're an intermediary.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But you can't go in there and just take the shampoo back. Then you could get in trouble.

[Aaron Chen]

And does resident advisor have the same amount or more power than a state police officer?

[Nick]

Less.

[Aaron Chen]

Okay.

[Sean Clements]

Less than a state police Officer, by

[Jake Johnson]

the way, thank you for answering that, honestly.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, A lot less, probably.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Aaron Chen]

Okay. A little less. A little less.

[Nick]

We usually had to call the police, so.

[Aaron Chen]

Okay, so you were you calling the

[Sean Clements]

campus police or something? Right.

[Nick]

You're not.

[Sean Clements]

You're not calling the stadies? I can say that. My dad.

[Nick]

For the most part, it was campus, but every once in a while, it was like, actual cops.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, we're gonna get back to the problem in a second, but what was the craziest thing that ever happened to you to call the real cops about? Interested?

[Nick]

There was this guy, like. So our campus was split into two different camps. So we had like, an east and a west campus. So in between the campuses was just. I went to college out in la, so it was just like, which city in between the campuses? It's called Azusa Pacific, east of Pasadena, probably.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Aaron Chen]

Yep. East pass.

[Nick]

So. Yeah. And the craziest thing was probably as this girl's walking from campus to campus. A dude was, like, following her around and, like, kind of stalking her. So she came on campus, and I had to, like. I was like, this probably isn't one for the campus police. This is probably one for the actual police

[Jake Johnson]

ra to do that, Sean was thinking more like 80s movies.

[Sean Clements]

Well, I was hoping there was a fun answer.

[Nick]

Yeah, I'm sorry, that was. No, it's fine.

[Sean Clements]

You gotta be honest.

[Aaron Chen]

You know what I mean?

[Sean Clements]

Certainly the second Jake asked, I thought, this is not gonna be good. Like, this is not. Like, it is interesting, but it's, like, just not what we really want to think out here on the show. It's like some stalker, like, harassing this student.

[Jake Johnson]

But I am interested.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Aaron Chen]

And he did it. And then I did see his life.

[Jake Johnson]

But now we're getting a sense of Nick.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, this guy's heroic.

[Jake Johnson]

But when you talked about ra, I was like, maybe a little bit of a pageantry, a bit of a goober. Nick is calling the cops on a stalker.

[Aaron Chen]

That's good.

[Jake Johnson]

This kid, he's not you, Nick. You're not afraid of confrontation.

[Sean Clements]

No, no. We should really be coming to you for help.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's not the premise.

[Sean Clements]

Okay, but I'm just saying.

[Jake Johnson]

But that would be insane for us

[Sean Clements]

to call this guy solving problems. Well, maybe next week you do it.

[Jake Johnson]

What would you call him about?

[Aaron Chen]

Sometimes I have a friend.

[Sean Clements]

He's hosting a podcast. It's not going well.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty hilarious. So. All right, Nick, back to you. Your job has tons of layoffs. The big point of that is all the people you Sit with. Have changed. All new people. Now you're next to a woman who has a squishy toy and it's loud.

[Nick]

Yes. And I. And I. Like I said, I. I'm big on confrontation. But, like, all my friends are gone. Like, this last layoff, they lay off my friends, my wife and my brother. Sorry to be depressed.

[Sean Clements]

This is what's making it more painful for you, by the way.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

Can I tell you a quick story about me?

[Ben]

Nick?

[Jake Johnson]

Of course you can say Nick. You could say, no, but it's totally up to you.

[Sean Clements]

It's not gonna be that quick, and it's not a good story. Nick.

[Jake Johnson]

Totally up to you.

[Nick]

All right.

[Sean Clements]

But, you know, I had a.

[Jake Johnson]

Why don't we let Nick answer?

[Sean Clements]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Totally up to you. Nick.

[Nick]

No. Yeah. If you want to, you can tell. Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Sean Clements]

I'm just relating to you here. Let's just connect as people.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

I had a writing partner for a long time, and so it was fun because every job we went to, I had, like, a buddy in the room. And then we would go back into our office after every, you know, day at work, and we would go, like, did you catch when this person did this annoying thing? And it was. And it was a dream. And then the first job I ever had without him, someone would sit, like, right in my blind spot with the most annoying laugh. And.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Sean Clements]

And I was like, I just want to talk to someone about this. That. The sound is like nails on a chalkboard to me, but if I could just say to someone else, geez, that laugh is pretty crazy. But I didn't trust anyone because I didn't have. Yeah, my writing partner and I didn't have any people from other jobs I'd worked. So I said, there's always a chance that whoever I talk this is more aligned with the person that has the laugh than they are with me. And now I have made, like, two enemies where I'm just trying to make a friend.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, does this ring true?

[Nick]

Absolutely. That's so true. Because not. Yeah. Like, all my friends, for sure. There's no one I can turn to and be like, this is super annoying. Right? But this lady, she's got. I'm telling you, she's got, like, awards just hanging around her cubicle. Like, she's like, what type of awards?

[Sean Clements]

Like, quarterly awards, like, very valued in play.

[Aaron Chen]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Change things for you.

[Aaron Chen]

That changes things big time. This is like, one of the head honchos. I say, yeah, yeah.

[Ben]

And I just feel like with.

[Nick]

Obviously, it's not been fun like necessarily coming to work because it's like, oh, it's kind of sad. So that's weighing on me. But then also it's like, like kind of what you're saying.

[Ben]

I can't just go. Stop that.

[Nick]

Or else I'll be the office dick. You know, like,

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, I gotta ask really fast. If you guys got in a bad confrontation and the boss had to make a choice, who they picking, you or her? She's got a lot of those awards, but you've been there for a long time.

[Sean Clements]

Any awards on your area you do?

[Nick]

I've taken them home and they're. They're out there at home at my office.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Aaron Chen]

You're gonna have to bring them in.

[Sean Clements]

It's a little insecure of her to have to flex on you with the awards right out in the open.

[Jake Johnson]

I think Aaron's right for the first thing. First thing you do is bring all your awards back.

[Aaron Chen]

You bring the awards.

[Sean Clements]

You're going to want to have those up when you start the talk. Because she's thinking this. No awards motherfucker coming to my door.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way.

[Sean Clements]

Better check himself.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, there's truth to this. I think the first, we're going to get to more pitches. But for starters, she's got to come into work. She's fucking squishing that thing like she runs the place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Aaron Chen]

Nick, can I ask you what does. Could you imitate the sound of the ball with your mouth before he does?

[Jake Johnson]

Aaron, what would your guess be?

[Aaron Chen]

So you're saying pops and crackles, so it doesn't sound like a squeak. So I'm thinking like. Like something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

That was cool.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah, that's.

[Nick]

That's pretty accurate.

[Sean Clements]

Is there a squishy element to it?

[Jake Johnson]

How would that sound?

[Nick]

No, it. It's. It's like picture, like a cartoon. Like a cartoon octopus, like lifting its tentacle off of a surface. Like the Poppy.

[Sean Clements]

So it's a little gross, isn't it?

[Nick]

Like, yeah. And it's just. It's. It's completely random. Like, it's not even. There's no rhythm. It's like.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, this is stupid. And I don't know I'm doing this, but I am tired. I got bad sleep last night. Aaron, can you do a bunch of sounds until. Nick, you identify the exact sound of this thing? I'm just trying to get a sense of what this thing sounds like. I don't have a sense. That's gonna help you get a real squishy thing.

[Sean Clements]

That was way.

[Jake Johnson]

But he. But I. But I Don't know, because then he said an octopus.

[Sean Clements]

Like an octopus, which does have a squishy element.

[Jake Johnson]

Because errands was way more. Felt like a robot to me. It was like.

[Aaron Chen]

Well, I was like, it's kind of cool. That's kind of it, though.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know.

[Aaron Chen]

Consumer.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, did you. Did you finish your story about what you tried to do and your actual question.

[Nick]

Yeah, I was. No, That's a great, great cue. I was just about to get into. So I ended up doing something about it.

[Aaron Chen]

Okay.

[Sean Clements]

Okay.

[Nick]

We were getting dinner with my friend, so I'm too late nearby. And after dinner, I just casually say to my wife, hey, like, on the way home, mind if I just stop by the office real quick? She's like, why? It's late. We go. I make it seem casual. This is fully premeditated. I'm going in. I'm stealing this ball.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm taking it.

[Nick]

And so I'm like. Like, the building won't let me in. I try four different doors with my key pass. Finally, I get in. I'm looking around for cameras. I snag that thing, and I take off. And on the drive home, we're gone. We're on the freeway. I hand it to my wife because I'm like, this is crazy. She starts popping it, and she's like, I can't believe how loud this thing is.

[Ben]

I can.

[Nick]

Like, it's loud in the car, on the freeway.

[Sean Clements]

Validation at last.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that felt good for you.

[Sean Clements]

Hey, nice wife, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but she used to work together.

[Nick]

Yeah, I think. I think I chose correctly. I think she's the one. For sure.

[Jake Johnson]

You did.

[Sean Clements]

She goes, it's not that loud. I pull over, get out. Walking home.

[Jake Johnson]

This isn't hard.

[Aaron Chen]

Ra.

[Jake Johnson]

This is an RA talking, though. He's like, I chose, right?

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Driving home, you also were decisive. You stole the thing. This is cool.

[Sean Clements]

Nick.

[Nick]

I. Well, I was just like, again, I love some of you, some confrontation, but I'm just. I don't have the brain space to deal with this. I'm just going to take care of the situation. So on the way home, I'm freaking out because I'm like, I don't know if there's cameras. I don't. I. I didn't sweep that well.

[Aaron Chen]

Yes.

[Nick]

And then also my. My wife.

[Aaron Chen]

Maybe you need a stress ball. After that, when he's got the perfect.

[Sean Clements]

Wait. My wife turns the ball over.

[Nick]

It has the company logo. So that means that there's like a supply of these somewhere. And so I go back into Work the next day, I'm expecting HR to come to my desk and be like, we need to talk to you. Like, I'm freaking out.

[Sean Clements]

And it was very. Actually not here to steal it.

[Nick]

Yeah. No, it's not.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm a little ashamed I picked the right wife.

[Sean Clements]

Oh, yes. Yes. So to steal it was like, he's really going against who he is, the fabric of his.

[Aaron Chen]

But this is like being a Batman style R.A. you know, like, he's like vigilante justice.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Nick]

Vigilante. Yeah. And so. But. But I turn over the next day, and there's another one on her desk.

[Aaron Chen]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Aaron Chen]

You can't get rid of this.

[Nick]

And this is my. This is my question is, what do I do? Like, what am I supposed to do?

[Jake Johnson]

Good stuff.

[Aaron Chen]

That's a good question.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Good stuff.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie, you were right to keep pushing. What are you thinking?

[Sean Clements]

I guess if you still have the number for the state police who you used to call at college, you go. You call them, you turn yourself in.

[Jake Johnson]

Sean, this is a bad.

[Sean Clements]

I have stolen.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a bad pitch.

[Sean Clements]

I want the maximum penalty. In my soul, I know that I am an ra, and I cannot live with what I've done wrong. I must be punished.

[Aaron Chen]

The reason that is a bad pitch is maybe he goes. Nick goes to prison. Cellmate has a stress ball.

[Sean Clements]

Okay. All right. That's the only reason that I'm gonna say I'm gonna rescind that bitch.

[Nick]

I did send in. There is a photo of this thing. I emailed the photo of it if you guys want.

[Sean Clements]

Okay. You've never spoken to this woman about it.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the Right.

[Nick]

No, no. I mean, in the last three weeks, we've exchanged maybe 10 words.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Really quickly before we see this photo. Oh, yeah, it's just a dog toy. It's annoying, man. And so I'm pissed. What do we Give us a little bit of a description of who this woman is? Because we can't. The pitch cannot be. We steal again, and I'll tell you why. Not because of Sean's thing. I don't. I'm not afraid to be a bad boy with these pitches. The problem is, you steal them, there's going to be more. Unless you get to the supplier, and then you got to steal the whole box. And then. Nick, you're entering weird stuff, man. People's heads are getting cut off at that company. You don't want to be next.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Aaron Chen]

And can I just say, I'm so glad this. This question does not involve me having to solve your company's layoffs.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. That was what initially. Yeah.

[Nick]

If you had that advice, I would take it.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What would be your pitch about the company's layoffs?

[Aaron Chen]

That's what I'm saying. I hate that you're asking me right now because. Putting me in a full panic. I did.

[Jake Johnson]

But where you're panicking.

[Aaron Chen]

I don't understand the economy.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. But what's going to your brain?

[Aaron Chen]

Agrarian lifestyle.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going.

[Aaron Chen]

We go. We live. Nick, you and I go live on a farm. We take care of each other. Web. Two big strong guys and we. We look after each other. We raise a cow.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, your thoughts, brother.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Sean Clements]

Okay. That was easy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. By the way, pretty easy going. Your character's all over the place, Nick.

[Sean Clements]

Oh yeah. I can't make heads or tails of this.

[Jake Johnson]

You have a beautiful wife. You're really happy with her, but you're willing to move to a. A farm with Aaron and raise a cow. You're all over the place.

[Nick]

That was probably gonna be my. My one stipulation is can my wife come?

[Sean Clements]

And then it sounds like Aaron is.

[Aaron Chen]

I think, I think leave her at home.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, it's gonna be really crowded. He has the spot picked out already. It's kind of a two person situation that we got.

[Jake Johnson]

No disrespect to her.

[Sean Clements]

Nothing, nothing.

[Ben]

No.

[Sean Clements]

Nothing personal at all about her. She's great. Literally just the logistics of the physical space is really better for two.

[Aaron Chen]

It's impossible, but it's the wrong situation.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. The crop that we're gonna.

[Aaron Chen]

She wouldn't get it.

[Jake Johnson]

And so Nick, can we hear a little bit about this woman? You have not talked to her. So there's been no. Because I think where the pitch is going to go. I could be wrong, but I think where it's going to go is we're going to go towards a confrontation.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. Well, I have actually.

[Jake Johnson]

Please.

[Sean Clements]

I have a general idea which is. And it's gonna cost you a little dough. I say you go by like four different stress balls that have a noise that doesn't drive you crazy. And so when you. When you do talk to her, you present her with sort of a peace offering of you go. Hey. So I'm in this cubicle next to me. I understand you like to use this thing. The noise has actually been driving me nuts. I want you to be able to sort of do whatever fidgeting, stress relief thing you need to do. Would you be open to trying one of these and seeing they're also satisfying Unless the Loud noise is part of

[Jake Johnson]

it for you, Nick, your thoughts.

[Nick]

I'll be honest, that sounds pretty good. I think you. You probably could have been an RA if you wanted to. And.

[Sean Clements]

Come on, you flatter me.

[Jake Johnson]

Sean has RA vibes, for sure.

[Aaron Chen]

Approval.

[Sean Clements]

This is what we're learning is early college.

[Ben]

You.

[Sean Clements]

I'm a closet ra.

[Nick]

My only question is, this thing's been. Okay, so, like, this debacle. I mean, probably three or four weeks at least. Is it weird that I'm doing this now, like, week four?

[Sean Clements]

No, I think because.

[Nick]

Speak up.

[Sean Clements]

Because what you said was, you're gonna seem like the office when you go to confront her, because you've had three or four weeks of this building up to a frustration point where when you're talking her, she has no idea that it's been bothering you. And I do this, Nick. This is in my own life. By the time I go to talk to someone about something, sometimes it's reached this boiling point internally, and to them, it's coming out of nowhere. So they're like, you're coming too hot. And it's like. So I think the first. What's the word I'm looking for?

[Ben]

The.

[Sean Clements]

The first sort of presentation you made

[Aaron Chen]

to her has to be initial contact,

[Sean Clements]

more, you know, more peaceful. And you can say, like, it's been a couple of weeks that it's, you know, it's sort of been bothering me, and. Oh, that's too much even, I would say, you say.

[Jake Johnson]

And so just.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, I. I wanted to try to find a. A solution for us if you're open to it.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's an interesting thought, Nick. Can I pitch something close to it, but a little different? Jake's got something, and I'm getting it from Sean's pitch. What if you find a squeak toy that's really now loud and really.

[Sean Clements]

Let's not call it a squeak toy. Oh, even louder.

[Jake Johnson]

Even louder. And you put the headphones. You have noise cancelling. And when she does it on this pitch, for starters, you got to get all your awards up, man. So first, the awards. But I truly mean it. So she goes like this. You're going to have to take two days of her noise and deal with it, because the first step is the awards. And she goes like, damn, you might

[Aaron Chen]

even want to win a couple more awards in the time.

[Sean Clements]

Oh, God. That would.

[Jake Johnson]

If you could, it'd be amazing. But I would maybe do the awards in two. How many awards you got, Nick? And this is a real question. Are we talking 3, 4? Are we talking 12, 15, 20, 30.

[Nick]

No, it's probably in the 3, 3, 4 ballpark.

[Jake Johnson]

And how many does she have?

[Nick]

Oh, this is tough because she's got. She does have a couple, like company wide. But then she has a few like just her team. So I don't know if that's as legitimate as the company wise.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Nick, can I ask a real question? Are you willing to kind of do some fake awards?

[Sean Clements]

She doesn't know what's going on on your team.

[Jake Johnson]

You're dead right at the company.

[Nick]

My role at the company is graphic designer, so I could actually make.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, you're a one man department.

[Sean Clements]

You said yourself you're a one man department. You can award yourself of all and every.

[Jake Johnson]

And you give the award to all the people who were fired. So your wife's name, the award, all these people to represent. So you can go back and be like, I loved all those people. The. We're creating fake awards, but what we need is almost twice as many as she has. So that the first day you're putting up eight.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The second day you're putting up another eight. The third day you're putting up another eight dot the fourth day, you start with the noises. Because you.

[Sean Clements]

If you do it from a position of strength.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Because if you do it day one, you know, the truth is. And you know this as an ra, if you got three bad boys, Shawnee, let's just name them Aaron and the J Man.

[Aaron Chen]

Aaron. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And we're ripping bongs and a.

[Nick]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Who cares? And. And the ladies are going nuts, right? Playing PlayStation.

[Aaron Chen]

PlayStation.

[Sean Clements]

Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

PlayStation 2.

[Sean Clements]

Laughing Nintendo.

[Jake Johnson]

But the smoke smells coming out under the door and you gotta knock in and say, hey, guys. Well, guess what? Day one, I'm not afraid of you. But if you had like a.

[Aaron Chen]

Awards.

[Sean Clements]

A bunch of RA Awards up all over the place.

[Jake Johnson]

And for three days we were thinking about it.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We were like, you can't. And I found out that you had called the cops on a stalker.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I'd be like, don't want to. With Nick.

[Aaron Chen]

What won't he do?

[Sean Clements]

I don't want to call.

[Jake Johnson]

He might call real police, not campus police. I don't want to go to jail for smoking weed. I thought this was my room.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So Nick comes. I'm going to go. He's not my favorite guy in the world, but I respect the hell out of him.

[Aaron Chen]

Yes. And I'll put the bong.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'll put the bong. Or I'll open a window or I'll be respectful. So My pitch is kind of. Nick, we build up your real creds. But they're fake creds. Yes, but all those people you worked with, all those great years. You know what, man? You're getting awards for that. You're a graphic designer. You can. I'm talking 30 awards, eight to 10 a day. Then on day four, get the loudest, most annoying squeak toy. Get your noise canceling headphones as loud as you can. As soon as she squeaks, you go as close with your right arm to her zone and Nick pointed. You said you're an aggressive guy.

[Sean Clements]

He loves confrontation.

[Jake Johnson]

He said arm towards.

[Aaron Chen]

He loves violence.

[Nick]

The issue with that is do I let other people around me in on it? Because then I'm just making everyone.

[Jake Johnson]

How many people are in there? For some reason I just imagined you two. How many people you got in that office?

[Nick]

No, this. So around me, in the vicinity, I would say there's a good 10 to 15.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, how about this anonymous note?

[Sean Clements]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

An anonymous note that say whoever's doing that squeaky voice. No, I wouldn't say this is anonymous.

[Sean Clements]

This is anonymous.

[Jake Johnson]

But someone would you say with the letter. Then how would you do the letter? Just. This is anonymous.

[Sean Clements]

This is anonymous. You have your information.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Sean Clements]

We know you.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Sean Clements]

We know you're married with children.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

Into this bank account.

[Jake Johnson]

See, that's what I'm saying, man. Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

That's more illegal. That's. No, don't.

[Jake Johnson]

Because that's illegal.

[Sean Clements]

Don't, don't, Nick. Because it's. This doesn't make sense.

[Jake Johnson]

But that's also not. The problem is we're not even. That's trying to get.

[Sean Clements]

That's creating more stress. You know what? That's creating more stress. She's going to need the ball even more. Yeah, she reads that that thing's going to be popping.

[Jake Johnson]

You'll do it at work. We don't want to make more stress.

[Sean Clements]

Don't do that this is anonymous thing because it's not a good idea.

[Aaron Chen]

Anonymous note is good, but someone might see you do it. So you will have to break in again at night.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that is right. But Nick, nobody contacted you about stealing the thing at night. Right. AKA no cameras.

[Nick]

Correct.

[Ben]

Correct.

[Jake Johnson]

So what you could do. You got the key to get in there at night. An anonymous letter typed out. Typed out. You can't do handwriting that says.

[Nick]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

To whoever is using this squeaky toy or the stress ball, can you please use it less or not at all. This is a shared space P. S.

[Sean Clements]

This is anonymous and it's not Nick from Omaha.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, but that's another option.

[Sean Clements]

I'm thinking about your idea with the getting the noisy ball. And maybe it's, you get noisy ones for everyone and you, you make it so bad that they have to instate a company wide policy that no one

[Jake Johnson]

can actually hate this. Nick, what if you got people kazoos?

[Nick]

That's not bad.

[Sean Clements]

You just get so many and you get anybody, you know they're in on it and just go, know anybody? Yeah, yeah, but how about this?

[Jake Johnson]

But, but I like where Sean is going. Nick, what if you anonymously. I have an idea. Rather than anonymously, get everybody a loud noisemaker. So. And then the weird cred. The stuff you would have on the fourth of July.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. One of those little wh Things. And so people go, what is this slide whistle?

[Jake Johnson]

But then other people hear her thing and go like, hey, guys, could we not do the loud, weird toys?

[Sean Clements]

Let's have this become a quiet office,

[Jake Johnson]

actually, because you either go, it's either loud or it's quiet. But if it's loud, then we're loud. Nick, your thoughts?

[Nick]

I, I, I'm gonna be honest. I'm, I'm torn. I like, I like both options. I like the anonymous note and I also like a bit of a fire with fire. Hope it crashes and there's a, all company.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. I mean, the problem, you bring in a, you know, you bring in a wolf to take care of the rabbit problem. Now you got a wolf problem. It's just like, there's a chance where that's totally true.

[Jake Johnson]

Now it's chaos, brother.

[Sean Clements]

Like, everybody's like, wow, it's so much more fun now that it's noisy all the time. And you're just like, oh, I'm dying.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm quitting. So that's a very real thought. Aaron, where are your thoughts at? Where are you at?

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah, I'm scared. I'm, I'm very scared for you. I don't think you should bring more noise into this situation. You might, you might work at a loud place.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a good thought.

[Nick]

Yeah, I'm very. Well, I did. There is this, there's this brand of stress toys that my wife loves. It's called, it's called Neato. You guys heard of Neato?

[Aaron Chen]

Neato.

[Sean Clements]

But it's, it's dough for kneading.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but it's so, it's just really quiet.

[Nick]

Yes. And, and I was thinking maybe I just. Yeah. Get, get them in.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Nick]

Because I saw them at Aldi and

[Jake Johnson]

maybe That's Sean's original idea.

[Nick]

Let's get a bunch.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You know, you could do.

[Nick]

Why don't you combine.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do, let's do, let's do a combo idea. What if you get everybody one of those and say, is it okay if we use these instead of the other ones? These are a lot quieter. The noise from them is really stressing me out. Okay, so then it's not. And then you could say, nick, yes.

[Aaron Chen]

Christmas in July or March.

[Jake Johnson]

Thoughts?

[Nick]

My only. But she's, she's the only one in the area with it. So I feel like that for me to be like, let's not use the noisy ones. She's thinking, he's obviously talking about me.

[Jake Johnson]

So you want to just hand her the needles.

[Sean Clements]

You might as well go straight to the source. Or you go over her head.

[Aaron Chen]

You need everyone to start getting onto these balls. So yeah, you find one friend.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not what you meant to say there.

[Sean Clements]

Come on.

[Aaron Chen]

You need everyone.

[Sean Clements]

I love you, but it's too much.

[Aaron Chen]

They're balls.

[Sean Clements]

Making it even worse.

[Aaron Chen]

What? What am I saying?

[Sean Clements]

And it's feeling intentional at this point. You know what?

[Jake Johnson]

You know. Dirty dog. Well, we back in the dorm room.

[Sean Clements]

Come on, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Three freshmen. So we're gonna need you to knock on the door before this animal gets crazy.

[Sean Clements]

Come on now.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, I'm getting really paranoid from the weed and I'm missing home. Yeah, I gotta get out of here.

[Sean Clements]

Oh, no. Yeah, I'm crying.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't love this.

[Sean Clements]

I'm crying regularly.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm heavy in anxiety for the first time in my life. Mental problems.

[Sean Clements]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I love that I have you guys as friends.

[Sean Clements]

I'm sick as a dog.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Nick, take us out, man. What are you gonna do here, bud?

[Nick]

Oh, man. I honestly like, you guys did bring up a lot of good options. I'm trying to think of that Feels good.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. Doesn't it?

[Nick]

Because, because let's say, let's say I just get a quiet one. I dish him out. What if she's like, no, I like my bread and butter. I'm not using this thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Well, back.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. Can you also go. Yeah, you call back for that.

[Aaron Chen]

Then you follow up. You can start yelling at that point.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, I'll have to get back down here.

[Jake Johnson]

I, I, by the way, we will we now if we do a follow up, can we get the three together? We'll do it over zoom. But how about we do this? Will you just. What are you going to do in step A? This might be in Phases, brother. But we'll do them in phases.

[Sean Clements]

Because I got one more thing. Do you go over her head? Go to the boss, and you just go to the big boss and you say, Look, Mr. Romney, I've loved working at Bain Capital, Mitt Romney. It's been an incredible experience. I really. Look, I voted for you. I'd vote for you again if I could, but the fact is, this noise is driving me. Hey, you look great in shorts. I love you.

[Jake Johnson]

Got a beautiful family, brother.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. Come on, man.

[Jake Johnson]

You got everything cooking that had a.

[Sean Clements]

This is not a criticism of you.

[Jake Johnson]

Not at all.

[Sean Clements]

I think you're not boots on the ground to the point where you understand the noises that are coming out of some of these cubicles.

[Jake Johnson]

How about something like that? Really quick pitch on the pitch. What about you, CBS Undercover Bossom. You try to get your boss in there while it's happening.

[Aaron Chen]

Interesting.

[Sean Clements]

Just tell me if you like this noise. Yeah, you get here, you like the noise. I drop.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you try to get him to wear, like, a prosthetic nose and a wig so that they have to go like this on the ball.

[Nick]

I might be able to track down.

[Sean Clements]

It was me.

[Nick]

Yeah. I might be able to track down one of these, because there's obviously supplies somewhere. I could maybe track it down, show my boss. Be like, close your eyes and listen to this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. What do you think of this? And he'll go, it's annoying. And you go, you guys are giving this to all the employees. You want to know why so many people are getting fired? As we can't concentrate. No one's able to do their job at this place.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, I'm about to lay off you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm.

[Nick]

I'm liking this one. I'm liking this option.

[Jake Johnson]

So you want to. Why don't we do that? Why don't you go to the boss?

[Sean Clements]

Tail, you're an ra. Go tattle, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

Go back to the roots, brother. Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

All the other kids inside you all along. You don't need that magic feather, dumbo. You got. You got the power.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, you're an RA brother. Tattle on your co workers.

[Nick]

Is this one of the things where I call the cops or the campus police?

[Jake Johnson]

This is campus security. You go to the boss and you tattle on the kids who are partying too much. Guess what? They're making too much noise.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Because that's the whole thing you're trying to study.

[Sean Clements]

You don't want them to stop. The RA Is like, just be sneaky guys.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Nick, this should have been a one minute call. I'm an ra. What do I do? Do I go back to being an ra and we're going to say, yeah, you know what? Once an ra, always an ra.

[Sean Clements]

You never lose that muscle.

[Jake Johnson]

It's right.

[Aaron Chen]

It's getting him real excited.

[Jake Johnson]

It's right, Nick.

[Nick]

Yeah, yeah. If it's not broke, don't fix it.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So will you do us a favor? Will you tattle on her and then will you follow up with us a week after? And then you might have to tattle

[Sean Clements]

again because an RA has no bring the awards to. To the session where you. Where you show them the noise.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think we've given you a lot, Nick. I think now you got to just go in there, you got to just. You know how to do it. You're an ra. But I appreciate you setting us up for that.

[Nick]

That.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Nick, for real, you're an ra. You know what you're doing, pal. Follow up with us, please, and we'll all get on again and we'll hear what happens next. Because if you tell and it doesn't work, then I don't think it's another telling again. We can't get you fired. So you have to be very nice to the boss. It has to be very clearly, I love my job. I don't want to go. I don't know if you guys know this, but the squeaky toys you guys give out and have it in your hand and go, they're very loud. Can I demonstrate? And then go in the office and go, look, I don't want to tell on anyone and name names, but this is being used. Can I buy a replacement that you give to people? It's making it so hard to do my job. And any good boss will say, I'll handle this problem.

[Nick]

Okay. I like this approach. Thanks, man.

[Aaron Chen]

Thanks.

[Nick]

See?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are brought to you by Quince. We love quits. We're here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

So all I do these days, I wear black shirt and black pants. I started to dress like a stage manager at a theater for some these days.

[Nick]

It's a hilarious thing to say, but

[Jake Johnson]

here's the thing to give a shout out. They sent us Gareth, you and I. I don't know if they send them to you, Stevie. They should. They sent us a bunch of shirts to. Or clothes. A link to like pick out some clothes. Clothes. And I got four black shirts and my stylist that was sent to me through Apple. This woman, Annie, who whenever I have to do a big press day, she comes by and she goes, what are you wearing these days? And they always make fun of me because the clothes I wear are terrible. And I showed the Quinn shirts and she goes, what are you doing in Quint shirts? And I go, this is what I wear now. She goes, this is the first time your clothes are cool. She goes, wear that. And I go, I can wear my own clothes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

And I wear Quince now to like

[Gareth Reynolds]

when I do like a press day for my special. I had my friend Jill like pick out my outfit and everything she sent me was from Quint and I was like, I love quince. And she was like, how the hell does an idiot love Quint?

[Jake Johnson]

That's what it is. So Quint is kind of it. So, guys, right now go to quint.com here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it and you will. It's now available in Canada too, so don't keep settling. For clothes that don't last, go to Quint. Q U I N C E

[Aaron Chen]

for

[Jake Johnson]

free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com here to help. This episode of the podcast we're here to Help is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, sweet Mint Mobile. Jake, listen, I. I'm like you, I'm like, Steve, we like to save money, right? You're using your big wireless carriers and they take the money. There's all these fees, there's all these things they're adding on and you just think that's the way it has to be. Well, it doesn't. And, and Steve, tell them why.

[Sean Clements]

Because the thing is about Mint Mobile is you're going to save money.

[Jake Johnson]

It's more efficient and the calls are oh so clear. I didn't realize there was a change. But my bill is whatever it is, like 15amonth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's $15 a month.

[Jake Johnson]

I can't tell a difference. But listen, if you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] here to help. That's mint mobile.com

[Gareth Reynolds]

upfront payment of 45 for three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to 15amonth. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra cement Mobile for details

[Aaron Chen]

in many cultures they would respect.

[Ben]

Hello.

[Aaron Chen]

Oh, hello. How are you going?

[Ben]

Hi, how are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, they do?

[Aaron Chen]

Hey, what. What's your name? How old are you and are you nice?

[Ben]

My. My what? Well, my name is Ben and I'm 27. What was your last question?

[Aaron Chen]

Are you nice? Are you nice?

[Ben]

Am I married?

[Aaron Chen]

No. Nice. Nice. N, I, C, E. Nice.

[Ben]

Oh, am I nice?

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah, I think so.

[Ben]

I would like. I would like to think I don't

[Sean Clements]

seem like it so far. While you're answering that question, Aaron made him say it 50 times. One of the cruelest acts I've ever witnessed.

[Aaron Chen]

The voice you're hearing is one of my main defenders. His name is called Sean Clements, and he is a writer on the writer on Dink. And Jake Johnson is sitting gingerly across me. And my name is called Aaron. And where are you from?

[Ben]

Hello, Aaron. I'm from. Well, I live in D.C. right now.

[Aaron Chen]

D.C. city of Angels. And what can we do for you today?

[Jake Johnson]

Excellence.

[Nick]

Well, my.

[Ben]

My issue is. Well, okay, I'll start with this. So my girlfriend and I recently moved in together into a new apartment building. And fortunately, our building has a gym, which has been great because I've kind of been, you know, going to the gym and working out more consistently than. Than probably ever before that I've sort of become acquaintances or. Yeah, I guess more like acquaintances with another guy who I see at the gym pretty frequently. Like, we're usually there at the same time. So, you know, we give each other little waves, little nods, stuff like that. We have run into each other out of the city once and introduced ourselves, had a little conversation. That's been nice. But the issue is that every once in a while, when I'm walking down the hallway approaching the gym, I can see, because the door to the gym is glass, I can see that the lights in the gym are off. So I'll be walking up to the door of the gym. And when you see the lights are off, I'm assuming I'm have the gym to myself. There's nobody else in there. I'd say probably a majority of the times that I walk into the gym and the lights are off, when I turn the lights on, I see my new friend in there lying on the ground most of the time with his shirt off, doing some sort of like stretching or meditation or something like that. He doesn't really react when I turn the light on. He kind of just gives me a normal nod or wave, like, whatever, and we just go about meditating.

[Sean Clements]

He's relaxing.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not appropriate to do there, Ben. It's a shared space.

[Ben]

No, I don't think it's appropriate either.

[Jake Johnson]

And I think you're. By the way, before we get into it, I think it's fine to flip the lights on. I wouldn't ever. The note I'm not going to give is workout in the dark. Right. You don't do. Don't do the over polite. Oh, he's dark. I don't want to disrupt him.

[Aaron Chen]

You can get night vision goggles, but. Yeah, go on.

[Ben]

Well, that's. I mean, that's part of the thing is that I'm like. Am I like, ruining his vibe here? Am I like stepping in, intruding on whatever. Whatever's going on. Oh, but he doesn't seem to mind.

[Jake Johnson]

Guess what? He is nice.

[Aaron Chen]

You are nice.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, this is what we found out

[Aaron Chen]

and that's why I.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Ben, really quickly, what are we naming this friend of yours?

[Nick]

Let's.

[Ben]

Let's call him Alan. I've thought about the.

[Sean Clements]

I was gonna say Jim Allen.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And then can you describe him a little bit just so we can kind of judge you get a picture, everybody listening. We can all get a sense of who this guy is.

[Ben]

I mean, you know, I don't know a ton about him. I think he seems about my age, probably a little younger than me, so I'd say probably like early to mid 20s. He's a bit of an enigma, you know, I mean, sometimes when I'm in the gym and he's not there, he'll just come in and go to the bathroom and then leave. So I'm not really sure why that is. I'm assuming he has.

[Jake Johnson]

Just thinking the same thing, man.

[Ben]

You know, once I started realizing that this was something that could happen, like I would walk into the gym with the lights off and there would surprise be somebody in there. It makes you a little nervous to go into the gym because, like, you

[Sean Clements]

never know what you're gonna see when

[Ben]

you turn the lights on.

[Nick]

I wouldn't feel comfortable.

[Aaron Chen]

Guy.

[Sean Clements]

Well, who. Who hangs out in the little bit

[Ben]

of a jump, right?

[Sean Clements]

The nefarious Bane.

[Ben]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sean Clements]

Batman's enemy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, so that's true.

[Sean Clements]

Also, people meditate the most, but still, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But different. Yeah, keep going, bud.

[Nick]

The.

[Ben]

The most recent time. The reason that I felt like I had to call in was that the most recent time I went into the. Into the gym, the lights were on. There were a couple people in there, including Alan, including my new buddy and another guy who I hadn't seen in there before. And we were all doing our things and then Alan left. And then me and this guy were in there for a minute and then, you know, after a minute, this other guy looks at me and he was like, hey, do you know that Guy because he had seen me sort of like, do our little nod, wave, little bro, hello thing when I walked in.

[Sean Clements]

Now you're complicit.

[Ben]

And I was like. I was like, no, I don't really know him, but, you know, I see him in here every once in a while, that sort of thing. And he was like, okay, I walked in here earlier, and he was in here with the lights completely off. And it kind of freaked me out. And I was like, oh, yeah, does that. Like, I don't know what the deal is, but he does that. And he was like, oh, okay, so I'm the weird one. And I was like, yeah, yeah, we're the weird ones. But clearly it's a problem that's affecting other people.

[Aaron Chen]

A very quick fix for you. You want to. What you want to do is you want to switch on the light at the gym. You want to take off the board that the light's on, take the switch off and then put cement over it so no one can get to the light anymore. That's the problem solved. Thanks for calling in.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think we're done. It's a great picture. I don't think we're done.

[Aaron Chen]

I really felt it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it was a great.

[Aaron Chen]

Came off the bat.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It felt like a home run.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

What if you say this? What if you go, hey, man, what are you doing in here with the lights off?

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah, yeah, that's not bad. Hey, man.

[Jake Johnson]

But the way Ben. The way Sean just did that was like. Like, I'm interested in you. We've kind of become friends.

[Sean Clements]

I've noticed this a couple times. I'm. I'm just curious. Like, is it a. Is it a meditation routine? Is it stretching? Are you studying capoeira? Like, what are we doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I wouldn't say cap of year, but.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wouldn't say it like that.

[Ben]

I've definitely thought about second or third time it happened. I. The second or third time it happened, I was really close to being like, what do you. Like, what's the deal with the lights off? Like, what are you doing in here?

[Jake Johnson]

But not aggressive, but right.

[Sean Clements]

Not what's the deal?

[Jake Johnson]

Not what's the deal.

[Aaron Chen]

Not Seinfeld style. He might think you're being observed. Observational.

[Sean Clements]

He's the victim of observational humor.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but. Keep going, Ben.

[Aaron Chen]

So you asked him already?

[Sean Clements]

No, he considered.

[Aaron Chen]

There's.

[Ben]

I guess that gets to the first part of the question, which is just my curiosity as to why he's doing it. But I also kind of want to say that it might not be appropriate because what I was going to mention earlier is that like, like, I don't know, I kind of got used to it and came to expect it. But like, you know, there are women who go to our gym too, and I don't know if for them that might be a little bit more uncomfortable of a situation to walk into.

[Sean Clements]

So guy in the dark with his shirt off. That's a little bit. Doesn't feel safe.

[Jake Johnson]

I got an idea. What if you go up to him with Sean's tone and go with your phone out, go like, hey, man, I'm doing an audio documentary about gym culture. What are you doing in here with the lights on out? So what about honestly going to him in a nice friendly tone and saying, hey, man, you know, I'm just doing a little fun project, a podcast, and it's about gym culture and I was wondering if I could interview you. And he would go, yeah, I think,

[Ben]

I think I would have to specifically ask about it being dark though, or else it would be.

[Jake Johnson]

You would. No, you would.

[Sean Clements]

I don't know. That should come up.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I'm saying.

[Aaron Chen]

But that comes two hours into the three hour pod.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but here's what I. But you're not wrong. Wrong. Because what you're doing, Ben, is you're going from step A to step two really fast. What are you doing? It's inappropriate.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What I'm saying is let's bury the inappropriate.

[Aaron Chen]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's forget that exists.

[Sean Clements]

We're approaching it as a. We're a guy who, as you said, you're not uncomfortable.

[Jake Johnson]

You're friendly with each other.

[Sean Clements]

You think that it is something that could be concerning for other people. You're a nice guy, Ben. We've established that you're worried that, you know, other people are being made uncomfortable by this, but you then can be sort of heroic by getting some of the data.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Sean Clements]

And finding out what's going on and why. It may put you at ease. Oh, okay. I understand. Now, this is, this is a practice. This guy does TM or something and he's got to do 20 minutes a day.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you could tell others that. Yeah, but what do you think about

[Sean Clements]

when that guy asked you in the gym? You would have been able to see, say, you know what, he does this TM thing. He does his mantra. Yeah.

[Ben]

And.

[Sean Clements]

And it's like, you know, whatever. Those people are very regular in their practice. If you got a similar gym schedule,

[Jake Johnson]

you're going to Run into crazy roommates.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What is about. Yeah, go ahead, Ben.

[Nick]

Well, I was going to say.

[Ben]

So, yeah. So lead into it gently, sort of. You know, I'm an observer. I'm a documentarian. I'm walking in, asking him about his. His practices. So you don't think then I should go, like, you know, have you ever thought about the fact that this might be. This might make people uncomfortable?

[Sean Clements]

I don't think you do that in that first conversation.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly. Right.

[Sean Clements]

I think you. I think just you're gathering intelligence in that first conversation, then you know about it. Then if it does feel like you do need to talk, that is then a second conversation after you guys have already had.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what you could do? Hey, Ben, you know what you could say is rather than you're doing a podcast or a documentary saying you were asked by the hotel homeowners association or

[Sean Clements]

the management apartment building, I think apartment.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

I don't know that he lives in a hotel. He's not Eloise. I don't know who is that, who lives there.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's what I'm trying to get to creating. When you're in college, were you an ra?

[Ben]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

What were you like in college?

[Ben]

I was pretty low key. Honestly, I was. I was very studious in college.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool. Never got in trouble from an ra?

[Ben]

No. I mean, my college was super hippie dippy. We didn't Even really have RAs that could punish you. They were just kind of there to be your. None of them can connect you with resources and shit.

[Aaron Chen]

Interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

But if there was somebody down the hall who was, like, smoking weed or partying too much and ruining the vibe for the others, what would you have done in that situation? Would it have been a. You knock on the door and go like, hey, fella, like, I know you're new here, but what you're doing is weirding him out. How would you handle that move in college?

[Ben]

Oh, my God. I mean, honestly, I probably just would have, like, endured it and gotten kind of pissed off.

[Sean Clements]

Connect that. I connect with that.

[Jake Johnson]

I connect that, too. But you're not that guy anymore. Now you live with your lady. Things are changing. You're 27.

[Sean Clements]

You got to stand up for yourself a little bit, and it can be hard. There's real growing pains with that.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Ben, here's my real pitch. I would say that management has asked you to do a survey about gym culture because there's been some complaints, and you're talking to everybody about this. So then say to him, what is your routine? I see you in here in the dark. They just want to know what you're doing in here. Here. What do you think about the cleanliness? Out of 10, what do you think about the music? Is there any equipment you're not receiving? Bury it. So you're asking 10 questions. It's so bored. And you're like, hey, sorry to do this. Like, 1 through 10, how would you rate blank?

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Then one third. And how would you rate safety? And he'd go, I feel safe, like. And then you go, do you ever come in here when it's dark and someone's in here in the dark?

[Sean Clements]

You ever thought about this, Ben, that you. You generally know around when he's in the.

[Nick]

There.

[Sean Clements]

You get up a little early one

[Jake Johnson]

day, get in there.

[Sean Clements]

You get in there in the dark. Just down to your skiv, holding a katana blade or something.

[Aaron Chen]

He's away.

[Sean Clements]

Lights come on, Rambo him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, you just go. Don't feel good, does it?

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Jump. Scare him.

[Sean Clements]

Does not feel good, does it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, Ben, of the stuff we've given you, is there a road you like more than others?

[Ben]

You know, I kind of like the idea of treating it like. Like I'm making a documentary or I guess recording research project, interviewing people about their gym culture and then slipping in the question about the dark towards the end and being. Yeah. And asking a bunch of questions. On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you feel about this? And then last question is like, so do you like to work out in the dark or with the lights on?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Sean Clements]

And what do you go with the lights on? And you go, oh.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you go, but. But also, like, do you ever feel uncomfortable when others don't have their shirts on? Do you feel if you come in, the light should be on for the others? Do you clean the equipment off? Is your. Do you always use headphones or is it okay to play the things? Then what I would do is, at the end, I would laminate and post a sheet saying, thanks for everybody taking the survey. This community concluded that we. A, prefer headphones over speakers. B, everybody cleans up after ourselves. C, keep the lights on. D, please keep your shirts on. E, you know, no asking somebody if they need a spotter. So he goes like, well, that one's not me.

[Aaron Chen]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's not all him, but, like, don't offer spotting.

[Sean Clements]

Oh, the spotter thing, that drives me nuts, too. I guess I'll respect all these rules.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly, right?

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah. He won't know if only four out of the five things are about him.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But if you have, like eight things and four of them are annoying things. Yeah, but they're not about him. That he goes, all right, I just need to correct 4 and 6.

[Aaron Chen]

No firearms in the gym.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But do not. Also, do not take calls. FaceTime calls when others are in the gym. This is a shared space. Underlined.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So you're like, that's the main issue.

[Sean Clements]

I just wanted to get this FaceTime call figured out. But then we actually did identify a couple other points where there could be some improvement in terms of this being a communal space.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly right. What do you think of that?

[Ben]

I think that's good. And I. Yeah, I. You know, I was thinking, too, I could just do that right away. Like, just write a sign and put it up without talking to him. But then I wouldn't be able to get to the bottom of why he's doing it. So I think.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you got to talk to him so he knows this is happening.

[Nick]

Happening.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we do something really fast? Ben, can you just improvise a little bit and start asking some questions?

[Sean Clements]

I gotta. Wait. I gotta weigh into that. I think could be good because. Because we did. We've moved away from initially just assuming that he's maybe using the gym more because of something that's going on inside his own apartment. But I think it's like. Roommates are crazy, huh? Roommates can be a little nuts.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Sean Clements]

What's going on in your place?

[Nick]

Place?

[Sean Clements]

My old ladies stinking up the joint. I wish she'd use the bathroom in the gym.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, sometimes I come down here just because she's going to the bathroom.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah. Forget.

[Ben]

Yeah. Wait. Yeah. My way in should be like, Man, I love in this bathroom.

[Nick]

It's so much.

[Sean Clements]

Jim's better, huh? Gym, bathroom, public. What is it about public bathroom that's better than privacy?

[Jake Johnson]

Lags more.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

A warm seat.

[Sean Clements]

That's just not my response.

[Ben]

Anyway, I have a little survey for you. Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

Guess right into it. Because now it's like, this is just a regular guy like me.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right. Ben, what are you thinking? What are you going to do here? I. I think we're kind of.

[Sean Clements]

Now you improvise. Sorry I stole your. I stole your thunder there.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a hell of an intro, though. That's.

[Sean Clements]

I just thought.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it works. You know, Will you throw out to Aaron? Pretend Aaron's the guy in the gym. But let's just see how it goes. So, Aaron, you're obviously.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah, I'm in the duck.

[Jake Johnson]

You're. Whatever you think this guy's doing.

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then, Ben, when you walk in, you're turning the lights on, and can you just kind of do it how you would do it? When you come in, does he say anything and you turn the lights on or does he keep his eyes off?

[Ben]

No, I mean, yeah, I walk in, I turn the lights on, and we kind of just give each other a little wave and say, what's up?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so then you're gonna do the initiating.

[Aaron Chen]

Yes.

[Ben]

Okay, wait. I mean, should I be doing the survey or my temptation is just to

[Jake Johnson]

be like, ben, do whatever you want to do on this first one. Let's just see how it actually plays in real life.

[Ben]

All right, I walk in, I turn the lights on, we wave. What's up?

[Aaron Chen]

Hello. Hola, both.

[Ben]

Hey, I've been wondering, I've been meaning to ask you because I've walked in here a couple of times and you've been in here with the lights off. What, What. What's the deal with that? Like, why are you working out with the lights off? Can't you. Can't you not see what you're doing?

[Sean Clements]

I think. I just think it was going well, but I think we maybe. We maybe lived in the question too long and got into follow ups that were like, can't you. There's a judgment where it's like, can you not see what you're. There's like a question there.

[Jake Johnson]

Not nice. All right, then. I don't think we just do jazz with this. I. I think it's honest.

[Sean Clements]

I want a script.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to. I think it's going to go a little bit sideways and it could get you in a bad spot. I think you walk in and you go, oh, hey, great. Do you mind doing. I'm doing this survey from management. Are you like, hey, how are you? Good, how are you? Do you mind if I asked you a couple of questions? We're doing a thing for the community here about the gym culture. Is now a good time for you to answer some questions?

[Aaron Chen]

Questions.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of that? Okay, let's try that. Let's try this one with. Let's try that with Aaron. And then think about the questions as really basic stuff. And in the middle, you're asking a little bit about shirt off stuff and lights off. Let's just try it really fast. We're not going to nail it right now, but just a zone to get you in the right mode.

[Ben]

Gotcha.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, let's see what happens.

[Nick]

All right.

[Ben]

I'm walking in. Oh, hey. How's it going?

[Aaron Chen]

Oh, hey, how are you, Ben?

[Sean Clements]

You're not gonna ask him about this, man, I'm good.

[Ben]

What are you working on today?

[Aaron Chen]

Me? I'm working on kind of my lights off routines.

[Ben]

I could tell, actually. That's funny you say that. I'm actually helping management out with a gym culture survey. Would you be able to answer some quick questions for me?

[Jake Johnson]

Sean, your thoughts?

[Sean Clements]

Well, I'm just thinking that that's maybe the one response where I don't need to go to the sur. The only scenario where I can. He's actually inviting me to go right at him.

[Jake Johnson]

Then if he happens.

[Sean Clements]

It's not your fault that we set you up, Jake. Jake was pretty specific about what he said, but it was just.

[Jake Johnson]

It was a hole in one.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, it's true.

[Jake Johnson]

If he happens to say, I'm doing my light off routine, dream scenario, I think you have to say.

[Sean Clements]

Tell me more about that. Yeah, let's go against struggling to find

[Ben]

a way to bring it up.

[Nick]

Yeah, but.

[Sean Clements]

Yeah, then you backed out of it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but it's because I pushed you wrong there. I did not think it was going to be a hole in one. It was. So let's just try one more time, and then we're going to get out of here because we're close. I think this is going to be it for you. I really do.

[Ben]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Here we go.

[Nick]

All right.

[Ben]

Hey, how's it going?

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah, more bueno. And how are you doing?

[Ben]

I'm good.

[Nick]

What.

[Ben]

What. What are you working on today?

[Aaron Chen]

I'm working on some private stuff. Anyway. What. What are you. What are to talk to me about right now?

[Ben]

Well, I actually have been helping out management a little bit with a survey that I've been doing about gym culture. Would you mind answering a couple of quick questions for me about that?

[Aaron Chen]

Yeah. But before I do, can I know why management chose you to do this?

[Ben]

I kind of have a relationship with the people in the front office. I'm there a lot, and they. They know I'm here a lot. They know I spend a lot of time at the gym, and they were just hoping to get an idea of what people think of the gym if we need to improve anything. Stuff like that.

[Aaron Chen]

Interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

[Sean Clements]

Really good, Ben. So good. I was ready to step in. I didn't have a chance.

[Aaron Chen]

I didn't know you were a front office guy, but. Yeah, that's awesome to hear. Congratulations. And. Yeah, give me some of these questions.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Ben]

So the first one is Just, like, how often. How many times a week would you say you come to the gym?

[Nick]

Gym.

[Jake Johnson]

You're on fire.

[Aaron Chen]

Maybe three times a week.

[Sean Clements]

My guard is down.

[Jake Johnson]

Same.

[Ben]

Okay, three times a week. And what, like, what times of day are you usually here?

[Aaron Chen]

10 out of 10 times of day.

[Ben]

Murdering.

[Sean Clements]

Who's this?

[Aaron Chen]

I'm here 9am, 10am that kind of thing.

[Ben]

Okay. Would you say that the gym is usually like, crowded or empty when you're here? Like, do you feel like it's busy?

[Sean Clements]

Ben, where you been hiding? My whole life.

[Aaron Chen]

It's normally. Yeah, it's normally very empty. I'm normally the only one creepy.

[Ben]

Okay. Okay, that's useful. And then what do you think about the equipment? Would you say it's, like, high quality, it needs fixing? A scale of 1 to 10. Like, how good is the equipment here?

[Aaron Chen]

I love the equipment here. I really like it. That's why I keep coming weird.

[Ben]

Great. Few more questions about your gym habits. Do you prefer to work out with the lights on or with the lights on?

[Aaron Chen]

Wait, my gym habits? Did you just say my gym habits?

[Jake Johnson]

Really weird response.

[Ben]

Yeah, it's a survey about gym habits.

[Jake Johnson]

Gym culture questions are great.

[Aaron Chen]

Okay. The darkness. The darkness, Yeah. I like the lights off because I do meditation as part of my private ritual.

[Ben]

Oh, interesting. You know, actually, this isn't even part of the survey. But just out of curiosity, like, why. Why do you like the J Body? Why do you like the light?

[Jake Johnson]

We're done with the call. Because you're there. This is it.

[Aaron Chen]

You've got.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't need any more.

[Sean Clements]

Kill that. This isn't even part of the survey. I'm stepping out now. We're just people talking. You've piqued my interest.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, there's something in the business we're in. We made the dig together where it's certain rehearsals. It's going so good. You go. Stop. Turn on the camera.

[Sean Clements]

We should have filmed rehearsals.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, stop.

[Sean Clements]

I don't want to.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's not hear it again. The lights are right.

[Sean Clements]

We are in it.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Ben, you're a hundred percent.

[Sean Clements]

I didn't think you were gonna get there. And this is no disrespect to you. It just felt like it was not your forte. And then all of a sudden, somebody erupted. And that was like you were channeling.

[Jake Johnson]

Sticking with it so good.

[Aaron Chen]

That never happened to me on the set of Dink Roddick. Got it. Ed Harris. Got it. Mickey, me. They say, yeah, maybe a few more rehearsals.

[Sean Clements]

A couple extra rehearsals for Aaron. Most of the time.

[Aaron Chen]

Let's get this right. Let's spend some time getting this.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's take a couple more swings at it.

[Sean Clements]

It's obviously going to feel like you're reading while you do this, but at least let's make it seem like it's something you've read before.

[Aaron Chen]

Let's make the cue cards bigger. We'll get. We'll get bigger for.

[Jake Johnson]

I would say it, man. Hold the script. We'll figure that out in post. Just hold on to it.

[Ben]

Just look at it.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Ben, are you going to actually do this? Ben?

[Nick]

I'll do something.

[Ben]

I'll do something along the lines of this for sure. My curiosity is more peaked than ever,

[Jake Johnson]

so I feel like I will you. Are you going to then put the results on the board like on a laminated sheet of paper?

[Ben]

I think I will. I hope that the actual, actual apartment management doesn't mind, but I will do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you follow up with us? Because now I'm very interested. I'm really curious what this guy's doing in there.

[Ben]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks for the comment.

[Ben]

Yeah, I'll let you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ben]

Thanks, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, buddy.

[Sean Clements]

All right. Later, brother.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Helpful podcast. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Sean Clements]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike and animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Ben]

That was a hit gum podcast. That was a Hitgum Podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Support is available 247 with Verbokick there. We're here day or night, ready whenever you need help because a great trip starts with the right support.