279: Out-Crazy The Crazy & Rent-Free (with Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone)

Summary

We're Here to Help - Episode 279: "Out-Crazy The Crazy & Rent-Free"

Guests: Lamorne Morris & Hannah Simone
Air Date: April 8, 2026

---

Episode Overview

In this high-energy, joke-packed episode, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds are joined by their New Girl castmates Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone for a special advice session. As always, the team fields listener problems with humor, candor, and a touch of chaos. The main themes: how to survive difficult or eccentric living situations, harnessing your quirks, and finding confidence in what makes you different. Expect plenty of comedy, running bits, and playful roasting—exactly what fans love and expect from this crew.

---

Key Discussion Points & Advice Highlights

1. Podcast Update and Audience Feedback (00:41–07:16)

• Jake and Gareth discuss finishing a new pilot and reminisce on the magic of assembling a great team, comparing it to their chemistry on New Girl.
• They review some recent critical listener comments about a previous episode, poking fun at the negativity and how podcast audiences become “like a cousin at Thanksgiving.”
  • Jake: “A podcast audience becomes like a cousin at Thanksgiving—‘I’ve got to see you every holiday, but let me tell you what pisses me off about you.’” (04:14)
• Debate the lack of "quality control" in podcasting, compared to TV.
  • Jake: "The beauty and the problem with podcasts: no executives... also, no quality control." (06:46)

---

2. Caller 1: Ryan’s Roommate is Too Weird (12:10–41:14)

Call Introduction

• Ryan (20, New Mexico college student) calls in about his odd and frustrating roommate, “Colin,” who leaves bowls of raw eggs in the bathroom (for hair masks), espouses conspiracy theories, and is a messy, difficult housemate.

The Raw Egg Debate (15:06–17:12)

• Ryan describes the discovery of a bowl of raw eggs in the bathroom, suspecting his roommate is eating them.
• Hannah surprises everyone by sharing that raw eggs as hair masks are “totally normal”—deflating Ryan’s original complaint.
  • Hannah: “I know lots of women who do that... it’s just a hair mask to hydrate your hair.” (16:24)
  • Jake: “So that's not… not crazy.” (16:39)

Scaling the Real Issue (17:18–20:54)

• Ryan clarifies: the bigger issue is not the eggs but Colin’s lax hygiene, health-nut lectures, conspiracy theories, and social abrasiveness.
• The group recognizes that this is a classic "bad roommate" scenario.

Advice: Three Approaches to Problem Roommates (23:04–24:09)

1. Grin and Bear It: Accept this as a temporary "season of life," vent with friends, and collect stories for later amusement.
   • Hannah: “You sit in your room with your best friend in the entire world and you complain about him... you won't live with him forever.” (23:04)
2. House Meeting: Try to lay out common house rules and boundaries constructively.
3. Out-Crazy the Crazy: Fight weird with weirder to change the social dynamic or push the roommate out.

The ‘Out-Crazy the Crazy’ Brainstorm (24:17–41:14)

• Jake, Gareth, Lamorne, and Hannah brainstorm extreme ways for Ryan to make “Colin” uncomfortable enough to leave, escalating from outlandish health choices to fake infestations and political subterfuge.

  • Fake a raccoon or rat infestation: “You leave his eggs out... then later say you saw a rat or raccoon eating the eggs, everything got torn up, now the house is unsafe.” (28:09)
  • Trigger his health obsessions: Light candles, fill the place with "toxic” scents, or purposely create health-anxiety triggers.
  • Political discomfort (if safe): Decorate the house with leftist/communist paraphernalia to unsettle a hard right-leaning roommate:
    • Lamorne: “You get a lot of Democratic memorabilia... ask if he wants to sign up for a protest, sit on the couch and read Kamala's new book.” (37:45)
    • Ryan: “I do have a large sign that says 'no blood for oil.' Should I put that up?” (38:11)

• Final Plan: Ryan agrees to host a “Communist Club” meeting at home, complete with signage, to “smoke Colin out.”

  • Jake: “Turn this into a communist sanctuary... run them out. This is another version of smoke ‘em out.” (39:49)
  • Hannah: “You can't go light. You gotta really commit to the bit.” (40:24)

• Notable Quote:

  • Gareth: “You gotta out-crazy as ass.” (23:24)
  • Ryan (when told to try this): “I think it’s going to be like a two-pronged—big communist meeting, then sprinkle in some anti-capitalist ideas.” (39:10)

---

3. Caller 2: Helping Charlotte Feel Okay with Her "Rent-Free" Toe (41:43–67:03)

Call Introduction (44:48)

• Stella calls about her 12-year-old daughter, Charlotte, who has a sixth toe and is now feeling self-conscious at salons and among peers.

Counsel to Mom: (47:04–48:59)

• The team strategizes how to instill pride and humor in Charlotte for her extra toe—a “superpower,” not a curse.
  • Hannah: “Kids are mean. It’s a short season... she'll realize all of them have their weird.” (56:01)

Suggested Approaches & Bit Building (49:04–55:29)

• Claim your uniqueness:

  • Lamorne: “If I was in track and somebody was... I got six toes, I'd be like, yo, they run faster.” (47:53)

• Stories & Distraction:

  • Jake: “They go, oh my god, you have six toes; you say, that's nothing. When I was born, I used to have wings and a tail.” (50:04)

• Lean in with humor:

  • Name the extra toe “Marilyn” (after Marilyn Monroe, rumored to have six toes).
  • Jake: “What about painting it a different color? ... Five are mine. One's Marilyn. I can't control her.” (54:10)

• Memorable Moment:

  • Charlotte joins the call and quickly tops the adults:
    • Charlotte: (on the extra toe) “Yeah, I let him come into my house, and then it's kind of just been a thing ever since then.” (64:35)
    • When prompted: “Her name's Marilyn. She's been living with us for a while. Everybody loves her. She bakes cookies.” (64:47)
  • Hannah: “Just referring to it as rent free... what are they gonna say? They’re disarmed by your charm.” (61:40)

• Serious Advice for Resilience:

  • Hannah: “There’s a lot of women where people focused on something visibly different about them... They would just flaunt it, and it became the most non-thing about them because they weren’t trying to hide it.” (59:02)

Closing Roleplay & Next Steps (63:26–66:44)

• The group role-plays salon and school scenarios so Charlotte can practice her comebacks.
  • Jake: “If you do this three times, by the fourth time, you're gonna be nailing it.” (63:49)
• Charlotte commits to trying the “rent free” bit in real life:
  • Charlotte: “I really like the rent free one.” (63:14)
• The team encourages follow-up ("Let us know how it goes!") and boosts Charlotte for her wit and confidence.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |-----------|-------|---------| | 04:14 | “A podcast audience becomes like a cousin at Thanksgiving—‘I’ve got to see you every holiday, but let me tell you what pisses me off about you.’” | Jake | | 16:24 | “I know lots of women who do that... it’s just a hair mask to hydrate your hair.” | Hannah | | 23:24 | “You out-crazy as ass.” | Gareth | | 39:49 | “Turn this into a communist sanctuary... run them out. This is another version of smoke ‘em out.” | Jake | | 50:04 | “That's nothing. When I was born, I used to have wings and a tail...” | Jake (suggesting a bit for Charlotte) | | 61:30 | “I have five [toes], I'm just letting this extra one stay rent free.” | Charlotte | | 59:02 | “A lot of women... would just flaunt it then. And it became the most, like, non-thing about them because they weren't trying to hide it.” | Hannah |

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:41–07:16: Reflections on the new pilot, audience feedback, podcast philosophy.
• 12:10–41:14: Caller Ryan’s bad roommate saga, raw eggs, conspiracy theory antics, “out-crazy” brainstorm.
• 41:43–67:03: Call with Stella and Charlotte—embracing a six-toe as a superpower/nickname, Charlotte’s quick wit, practicing comebacks.
• Timestamps above skip over all ad reads, introductions, and outros.

---

Episode Tone & Style

This episode buzzes with the infectious, anarchic humor characteristic of veteran improv comics and real-life friends. Sarcasm, playful antagonism, and running gags abound, punctuated by the hosts’ genuine attempts to empower callers and craft actionable, confidence-boosting advice. Listeners get a real sense of camaraderie, quick wit, and the particular joy of a New Girl cast mini-reunion.

---

Takeaways for Listeners

• Bad roommates are a rite of passage: Vent, set boundaries, or, if all else fails, beat them at their own game with creative “out-crazy” tactics.
• Own your oddities: Humor and confidence can turn a perceived flaw into your best story, and make you immune to ridicule.
• Remember, it’s all just a “short season”: Whether it’s a tough living situation or middle school awkwardness, these moments pass.

---

For fans of New Girl, oddball roommate stories, or anyone seeking advice that’s half “tipsy uncle,” half “unqualified therapist,” and purely entertaining, this is an episode to savor.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast. And we are back. What's up, G man?

[B]

Jake, I feel like I haven't seen you in a while. It's weird.

[A]

I know. We were seeing each other all the time, and now it's slowing down.

[B]

What?

[A]

We wrapped the pilot last night.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

And excellent. Dan Gore. Luke dei.

[B]

You got it.

[D]

They.

[A]

Well, we've decided. He and I have talked about. I can't say it. So we decided to add a bunch of lean in. Lean in to the Italian.

[E]

That's fair.

[A]

Aa Sha. It's such a dream team. The cast is so strong. The crew, it. There is really something about working in Los Angeles. Everybody's good. Yeah. I'm like, our business is so stupid to be elsewhere and be like, we saved money. We're in New Jersey.

[C]

And it.

[A]

Fucking dog shit. We had it honestly felt like working with an all star team. The camera operators were so fucking good. The crew was so good. The cast was so good. I'm like, the locations we shot in on. On Hollywood Boulevard in a. Yeah, you're in Hollywood, and then you actually get to shoot locations of, like, an old PI Building. Well, it's an old building on Hollywood in Los Palmas that's been there for. It's probably where old detectives were. You're not in, like, Atlanta being like, nothing cool ever happened on this street. Let's create it. It's literally where the detectives were copying. Had a. An office.

[B]

I. You have been primed to play a detective. It's your entire life.

[A]

My entire life. There's been nothing that I felt this way with New Girl, where it felt like. Even during the rehearsal process when, like, Max and I were put together around Zoe, I was like, oh, this is a special team. And then when Damon came, I was like, fuck this guy. This is special. And then Hannah. And then when he left and we filled it with Lamorne, because I was really afraid. I was like, ooh, Lamorn's good. I do feel that way about this group.

[B]

Well, I. I mean, again, you can't count your chickens, but there's a lot of good. Yeah, but what you got a lot of good.

[A]

What you got to do. And we talk about this a lot is today is the beginning to let it go. It happened. We had a great seven days. I loved it.

[B]

Because then you'll be doing the other. Then you'll be waiting for a second seat. I mean, it really is. That's why it's.

[A]

You do what you do. Speaking of. You do what you Do I gotta say, gr. The fans are hating the episode that dropped today with the Sassy Brothers,

[F]

and I got you.

[A]

Do what you do. Our audience hates it.

[B]

What are they?

[A]

I love those. They're so sure.

[B]

It's just the whole. They are.

[A]

What did you say today? I go, you texted me something really funny. I go, they're hating the episode. And you said they're a particular type of comedy. I go, I'm just not sure what that is. And you wrote, it's one guy asking questions and the other one yelling. And honestly, I like it.

[B]

I do.

[A]

I do, too.

[B]

I really. I think those two are so funny. Well, listen, you know, there's a silent

[A]

majority, I think, well, let's just do this really fast just to give a little taste of people hating our show who listen to it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because you know what? I've talked to a bunch of people who do podcasts now, and a big part of podcasts are your base audience hating what you do.

[C]

Hates you.

[B]

Loves you.

[A]

And then hates you. Loves you. The goes like, look, you know what it is? A podcast audience becomes like a cousin at Thanksgiving, where they're like, I've gotta see you every holiday. But let me tell you what pisses me off about you, man.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

So, yes.

[B]

They really let it rip. I mean, they. They do.

[A]

So it's early. You know, we're doing this early in the morning on Wednesday. The episode just dropped. There's only seven comments, so it's just starting on Spotify. Okay. Arguably the worst guest helpers ever. Four hearts, Then Rick goes. I don't think it's arguable.

[B]

Wow. Guy named Marky Mark.

[A]

1000. Funny. But a lot of cooks in the kitchen on this one. Couple hearts were ghosts. Not we are ghosts. Were ghosts. This episode was bad. Two hearts. Well, this might be positive. I haven't got to the second half. Initially, I was worried about the number of helpers on this episode, but everybody seemed to control themselves. Good job, baby boys. Control is so.

[B]

That is insulting. That is so condescending.

[A]

How about this from Kristen? You could commission the smut author from the other season, the one who was trying to censor the audiobook for it to write the book. That's right, Rachel B. I didn't think the helpers were bad. And I thought Jake did good balancing everybody. But he did sort of force Luke into making the audio for the smut book when he didn't want to do it, which wasn't the best. Also, I would not play you're on the fly decision. And I'm forcing people. So this guy Luke, I don't even remember, but him being like, I really don't want to on a volunteer show I called in on for bits. I'm being forced. I'm being bullied. How about this? Press the red button on your phone, hang up. You don't like it, hang up. Or guess what? You don't want, don't call in. But then Rachel also said, also, I would not play the audio for the cow guy. That could go south really fast, in my opinion. He might get angry or get his feelings hurt, and who knows how he will react. I would use the other ideas, like new topics or something. Thank you, Rachel. So this is just to say, Gareth, yet you do what you do. A lot of times people don't like it.

[B]

Well, you know, the good news is we are picked up, so.

[A]

That's because it's so easy to pick us up. We just keep making it. You're in a hotel room, I'm in my closet.

[B]

We got picked up.

[A]

Here's the problem with podcasts and the beauty. And we've talked about it. We're like, no executives. You know what? Also no quality control.

[B]

No.

[E]

No.

[A]

You got four teenage boys talking about what hot dog sauces they like.

[B]

Nobody ever says cute. That's. There's never a cut call.

[A]

Nobody ever says, hey, guys, you're fired. Yeah.

[B]

Nobody ever goes, hey, you know, that's great. Let's bring it back down to earth a little bit.

[E]

And let's slow down.

[B]

Let's slow down a little bit.

[A]

Nobody ever says pass.

[B]

Nobody ever says pass. But that's to say, enjoy the episode, the show, and without further ado, We are brought to you by Veracity. Two words you hear more than anything else right now. GLP1s and protein. Most protein powders don't help with cravings. I just got some of this and I've started using it and it's. I love it. Doesn't take long for you to open social media and you're gonna see all this stuff about protein. My algorithm is crazy. It's all this sort of stuff, but you can add this protein to everything. Do you want to add protein to your coffee now you do? Most meals don't cut it when your life moves really fast. So Verasity's metabolic power. Protein is like safety net. Metabolic safety net. Solid protein, stable energy, and happy gut to satisfy cravings. I really. I did not know what to expect. I have been using it for a couple weeks. Look at me. You know what I'M saying take a look. But you know, I mean, I look what I know. I'm just trying to build some muscle. I really am. My weight fluctuates so much because of my lifestyle on and off the road. I cannot Recommend it enough. 20 grams of plant based protein to fuel your metabolism and that's without unnecessary sugars or toxins. So what's the secret? The key ingredient is myovera, which amplifies your body's ability to use protein more effectively. Get the protein in your diet you need and satisfy your cravings the natural way. With verasity. Head to VeracityHealth Co and use code here to help for up to 65% off your order. Once again, that's V e r a C I T Y Health Co for up to 65% off. And make sure to use our promo code here to help. So they know that we sent you and we were also brought to you by butcherbox. Talked about Butcherbox before. It's hard to eat healthy. It's hard to eat healthy. But if you want to get meat delivered to your place with no antibiotics, no added hormones, no additives, just clean, clean fuel that makes you feel lighter, sharper, more energized. Get yourself some butcher box. I got some chicken from the butcher box. I was a vegetarian for a long time. My doctor was like, get a little meat in your life. So I'm very selective. I do not eat it a lot, but when I do, somewhere like butcherbox is somewhere you can trust. No hormones, no mystery ingredients. It is spring, it's about to get chaotic. You got. Your life is crazy. It just, it takes one thing off your list. So if you're trying to feel stronger, clearer, a little more put together before summer sneaks up, starts with what's on your plate. Not bad to have a little. Get a big butcher box, toss it in the freezer, have it for when you run out of stuff. You go, you got the butcher box. It's gonna be 100 premium protein options straight to your door, including 100% grass fed beef, free range, organic chicken, all this stuff, seafood, whatever you need. And as an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between chicken breast or top sirloin for a year or ground beef for life plus $20 off when you go to butcherbox.com here to help. That's right, your choice of chicken breast or top sirloin for a year or ground beef for life plus $20 off your first box. Free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com here to help. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Wayfair.

[B]

That's right, Jake. It's Way Day at wayfair. So from April 25th through the 27th, you could score the best deals in can get 80% off. With free shipping of everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly what you need in your house if you want decor improvements. I. Yeah, I really. When I went on Wayfair, I was like, oh, my goodness, it's everything. It's overwhelming.

[A]

I'll tell you what I bought on Wayfair was a robot vacuum.

[B]

Yeah, What's. How is that going?

[A]

It's going good. I had had one before.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I. I got an early version of it, so I keep buying them. I give it a name, and then there's a little remote I control, so I can go at my dogs a little bit, and I can go at my wife's feet, and then I can pretend that the robot likes me more than her.

[B]

It's interesting. This took a really. What? You said you named it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did we get to.

[A]

No.

[B]

We all want to know the robot's name. I got a little, like, a thing for the end of the bed where I put all the bedding, like a grown man should.

[A]

What would you name it? Al Way Day is the sale to shop the best deals in home. We're talking about up to 80 off with fast and free shipping on everything. So head to wayfair.com April 25th through the 27th to shop way Day. That's Wayfair. W A Y F a I r.com Wayfair. Every style, Every home. Hello.

[E]

Hello.

[A]

Hello. How are you? Good.

[E]

How are you guys?

[A]

Good. What's your first name?

[E]

Ryan.

[A]

Ryan. Ryan, you got a new girl special. You got Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris. They were just recording their podcast, the Mess Around. I was supposed to do it, but there was a misunderstanding with Hannah and I.

[F]

That's true.

[A]

And Lamorne's mad at me.

[D]

Yeah, I wouldn't say mad. I would just say we're not on the same page. And we're not on the same page. Then what the fuck kind of book are we reading?

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Ryan, where are you from?

[E]

I'm from New Mexico.

[A]

New Mexico?

[D]

Yeah. We love New Mexico.

[A]

You do?

[D]

Never been either.

[A]

Ryan. New Mexico. If you had a book, an autobiography, what would it be titled? Let's get to know you a little bit.

[E]

What would it be titled? I'm trying to think of something clever.

[A]

Don't Think of something. Just. Who are you?

[E]

Just adventures of Ryan, I suppose. I don't know.

[A]

That's cool.

[D]

Oh, so you want a lot of adventures?

[A]

Yeah, that's cool.

[E]

I. I like too. Yeah, I like a good adventure.

[A]

You married? Single.

[E]

I'm single, yeah. Or I got a girlfriend. I'm not married though.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

How old are you? How old are you?

[E]

I'm 20.

[A]

20. Okay. How old is this girlfriend?

[C]

19.

[A]

Where'd you meet this lady?

[E]

On Tinder.

[A]

What was it about her profile that you decided to swipe on?

[E]

She had a really funny, fantastic Mr. Fox Halloween costume and she looked very cute.

[A]

Okay, and how long have you two been together?

[E]

I think we're just past our three month anniversary. So pretty new.

[D]

You know what's love when they say three month anniversary. That's right, because three months, that's usually. That's a little past my bedtime right there. What do you mean two months and I'm out? Huh? I don't know, I just disassociate.

[A]

By the way, you just used my buzzword. I get that. My man. Okay, Ryan, you're with. What are we calling your girlfriend? Just in case it comes up. Sorry, what, what are we calling that girlfriend of yours?

[E]

Let's call her Grace.

[F]

Let's call her Grace.

[A]

Okay, so Ryan and Grace Adventures or Ryan, A single guy, 20 and 19, met on Tinder, been together for three months. What can we do for you today?

[E]

Yeah, so, I mean, I don't know how much you guys have read of the email, but I'll tell you the whole story, Ryan.

[A]

The three of us have heard nothing.

[E]

Yeah, okay, so, so about a couple months ago, I got a new roommate. My old roommate got married and moved out. And so we got this new guy, we'll call him Colin. And one day, it was like two months back, my roommate comes out of the bathroom. This is my other roommate, not Colin. And he just sort of calls me into the bathroom because he doesn't know what he's looking at. And I go in there and what I see is an empty like bowl like that you eat out of and then a bowl full of raw eggs, like sitting on the edge of the bath.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

And so we were kind of like, that was weird. And Colin had just gotten out of the shower. So we were like, what was he doing? He's kind of a strange dude. So like we genuinely thought he might be eating the raw eggs. So then he comes home later, I'm sitting on the couch with my girlfriend and I was like, hey man, I saw there's rags in the bathroom. And he just goes. Yep. And he goes into his room. And then finally when he came out, I was like, oh, yeah, I wanted to ask you, like, what was that about? And he was. He asked. He told us that he washes his hair with the raw eggs instead of using shampoo.

[A]

Hold on one second. Hold on. Ryan, you nod yes at that, Hannah. Yeah.

[F]

I know lots of women who do

[A]

that and wash their hair with raw eggs.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

How come?

[F]

I don't know it. I don't know. It's just like a. You can do it with olive oil. You can do with honey. You could do it with ever. It's like a hair mask that you can do to help, like, hydrate your hair. It's just like a.

[A]

Okay, so that's not.

[F]

No. Not crazy.

[D]

To help hydrate your hair.

[A]

Yeah. Try water shampoo.

[D]

A water mask?

[F]

No, it's a hair mask.

[D]

Electrolytes.

[F]

Okay.

[D]

Go win the championships.

[F]

I'm easily shocked. And that's a very known.

[A]

Okay, well, I'm actually happy to hear that because I was a little shocked and I was really weirded out. But maybe it's just a hair thing. So. Ryan, keep going. So maybe he's just washing his hair with those eggs.

[F]

Yeah. Doing a hair mask.

[A]

Doing a hair mask.

[E]

I mean, I looked it up. I don't think I'm thinking about it.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

All right, so keep going.

[E]

I more just kind of, like, want him to stop because he's leaving bowls of raw eggs in his bathroom.

[F]

That is fair. He clean up his hair.

[A]

All right, so what is the specific question we could help you with? How to get this your roommate to stop leaving his raw eggs in the bathroom.

[E]

Yeah. And he's just kind of a strange dude all around, and I don't know how to, like, bring it up. Also, like, we don't really, like, like him. So I want without, like, without my dislike for him, like, coming through, like, just like, objectively being like, hey, man, don't do that without, like, it seems like.

[D]

Can I ask.

[F]

Yeah. What else does he do?

[D]

Who's buying the eggs?

[A]

Is he, like, shared eggs?

[D]

These are shared eggs.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

That would be shocking if I bought groceries and somebody is cracking them over their head.

[D]

I'd make them eat them.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

After you wash, scramble that.

[A]

It would change the dynamic.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not buying eggs for you to crack them on your head. Just not doing it. I'm just not doing it. Cracking eggs in his hand.

[F]

I feel like the fact that I'm Such, like, a cr. Kind of girl has totally deflated your call, Ryan. And I'm so sorry. I think these guys would have helped roast your roommate, and you would have felt better. And I'm like, totally normal behavior, man.

[A]

I don't know what to tell you. And you were so confident, Hannah, that Lamore and I were like, okay, yeah, well, Hannah says everybody does it.

[F]

I'm so sorry. Right.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

What else does he do? That's weird, because I can't believe that the reason why you just want him to not live with you anymore is because of this.

[A]

This is correct.

[F]

More going on behaviorally that you're uncomfortable. Dive into that.

[A]

I like that.

[E]

Yeah. So he's like, just kind of a dirty roommate. He leaves his food out, like, on the table. He doesn't do his dishes.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

He is. This is kind of in the vein of the egg thing, but he's just kind of this, like, health nut. And it's really annoying. Like, we were talking about drinking Diet Coke the other day, and he told us how it, like, causes Alzheimer's, and that just kind of really brought the vibe down.

[A]

Well, I hate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

You know what?

[A]

It sounds like we could never be roommates. It sounds like you're living with Hannah.

[F]

Sorry, is it me?

[D]

Ryan, I got news for you. Oh, you're the bad roommate. I'm kidding.

[F]

I just think this is, like, a clash.

[A]

This might be a bad fit. That's all it is. But, Ryan, what are we. So what are we calling this guy? He's not Colin. But who's the bad roommate? Let's give him a name.

[D]

He's not Colin.

[A]

I thought Colin was the other roommate.

[D]

No, he's Colin.

[A]

Colin's the bad roommate?

[F]

Yes.

[E]

Colin is the bad roommate. Yeah. And then I have two other roommates.

[F]

They all feel the same.

[A]

It's three to one.

[E]

I do not know about one of them. So it's two rooms and we share. So the one. The guy I share the room with, he's on board? Totally. Like, he's my best friend, and we've talked about this at length, but the other guy, we don't know how to approach him without seeming like we're, like, bullying the other guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, He's. He shares the room with Colin, so he's probably taking the brunt of the weirdness.

[A]

Ryan, is this a college experience? Are you guys.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah, I am in college.

[A]

Okay. And so the way you guys live together, is this, like, through dorms? Is it that random?

[E]

No, but. No, it's not how this. But it's similar. It's like. It's like college. Only college students live in my building.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And so you can't kick him out.

[E]

I don't think we could. No. Maybe if we complained to the apartment complex, but I think they would just tell him to stop.

[A]

They wouldn't like, I got a true college roommate story. I don't think I've ever told either of you guys. When I first went to University of Iowa, I got placed with this guy. True story. It's going to sound like I'm doing a bit. I swear on my life, I'm not going to exaggerate this at all. One of the weirdest experiences of my life.

[D]

Okay?

[A]

We didn't. We weren't friends. We didn't get along. We just ignored each other. He used to play his, like, synthesizer all the time with headphones on. And so it would just be like. You'd be like. And then he'd be like. I was like, go. Lose it.

[E]

Right?

[A]

Then one day, he goes, you know what sucks about having a little dick? Literally, I swear on my life, it's going from like, I'm laying in bed and I hear, you know what sucks? But. And I went like, what? And he goes, you know, it sucks about having a little dick. And I go, what, Scott? And he goes, no matter what, when you meet a woman, eventually she's gonna see it. And I went like, all right, man. I was like. And we weren't. We didn't bond. I was like, all right, man. That's all right. And then he goes, no, it sucks. And I go, okay, man. And then I swear on my life, he goes, look,

[D]

and you look.

[A]

Honestly, I was so thrown. Now I would say, like, I wish in the store I didn't see anything.

[F]

Sure.

[A]

I literally, like, I was being. I went like, hey. Hey, man. And then he was like, what? It was like, hey. Lost my mind. I was like, are you out of your mind? But even that guy kept living with.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

So you. So you stayed living with him.

[A]

There was nothing to do. It was the. I'm like, what am I going to do? Go on like a. Who am I going to complain to?

[F]

Yeah, that's kind of what it is.

[A]

I think it's college. That's what I was like. If it was like. If it was like an apartment, it's one thing. You're part of a thing. So you're stuck with this guy.

[F]

Yeah, you're stuck with this guy. I think you just. You either. There's Only two things to do. Which is exactly this. You sit in your room with your best friend in the entire world and you complain about him and you bitch about him and it's a season of life. You won't live with him forever.

[A]

Or.

[F]

And then it's done. And you get to tell fun stories later in life about it. Or you try to do a house meeting and you guys make some rules.

[A]

You know what, Hannah? What I like about you today is you're very confident.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

You said there's one and two. It's very normal to crack eggs in your head. But you're wrong. There's more than two options.

[F]

What's the other option?

[A]

You out crazy as ass.

[F]

Oh, that's true.

[A]

Because right now he's leaving.

[F]

You gotta start chugging Diet Cokes all day. You gotta trigger this, man.

[D]

You gotta oblivion.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

You got make him leave.

[A]

Or he says to your behavior, hey man, why are there like Big Mac wrappers in the refriger in the shower? And I go like, I rub them on my bo.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

You're cracking eggs. I'm cracking Big Macs on my right.

[F]

You got to take a McDonald's french fry bath, bro.

[A]

That's what I.

[D]

Here's what you do, cuz. You said he's. He leaves the bowl. He leaves the bowl of eggs there, right? Raw eggs. So what you got to do when he comes back, Leave it there, but put scrambled eggs in it. Make him think you're cooking his eggs and eating them. And don't tell him that you're not doing. Don't mention it. Don't say anything. Just make it a little bit different for him every single day.

[F]

Can I use your eggs in my smoothie and then just take it and put them in?

[A]

But I like the. No. So, Ryan, I got a question. If we go down this road of pitching kind of out crazy. The crazy. Are you going to do any of this stuff?

[E]

I mean, I would try to out crazy him, but like, he's pretty out there. Like, what else can you give us more?

[F]

Because all we got is Diet Coke and eggs right now.

[A]

And right now it just sounds like me. That was like legit. Like.

[D]

No, I mean, there's still a little annoyance with leaving your food everywhere, but

[A]

if it's just in the bathroom with the shower.

[D]

No, he said the dinner. He leaves his food.

[F]

Yeah, he doesn't do his dishes.

[A]

He doesn't do his dishes.

[F]

That's pretty gross.

[A]

So what is his big annoyance that he's a slob? Is his big annoyance that he does these weird, like, health stuff. How do we boil this down, Ryan? What is. Because what we're gonna like. Look, we can do Hannah's thing very easily, right? And that is you just grin and bear it. You deal with it and it's going to be over soon. Two, we could figure out a way to help pitch on a house meeting and how you could get that going to get things discussed. Or three, I still think out crazy in him. Or because if he's a health guy, you start getting weird toxins. You start lighting candle.

[F]

Not this, I want all the scented candles.

[A]

Scented candles, weird sprays.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

Where he goes like, what is this? And you go like for a bathroom spray.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, that'll kill you. And he's like smelling everywhere. Yes. All the stuff that is bad for you, but most 20 year olds don't care.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

So this one says, hey, I need a division from your insanity.

[F]

That's right. You got to make him break up with you.

[A]

You got to make him break up with you.

[F]

That's it.

[A]

And that's an easy way to do it. But what else about Colin do we not know?

[F]

Right? Yeah.

[E]

Yeah. I mean, I just met him, so there's definitely a lot I don't know about him. But like, he is a conspiracy theorist. Like, he does not believe in the moon landing. He's kind of always telling us about, like, oh, you know, you guys got the vaccines cheap. He doesn't own headphones as far as I can tell. So he just kind of listens to these videos out loud in the living room.

[D]

I'm sorry, Ryan. Ryan, I'm sorry to tell you this.

[C]

Hannah.

[D]

Hannah's about to leave. Because you're describing her in such a way it's making her uncomfortable.

[A]

You're not a believer in the moon landing?

[E]

I'm so sorry, Hannah.

[F]

I'm a conspiracy theorist for sure.

[A]

Oh, no. What do you think about the moon landed?

[D]

I don't care.

[A]

But it. But do you think they landed on the moon?

[D]

No.

[A]

You don't.

[D]

It just looks so weird and suspicious.

[A]

It does.

[D]

I don't have. I don't know. But me personally, I go, I don't know why they would lie about it.

[A]

I know there's like racing with Russia. Yeah, we gotta beat Russia.

[D]

I understand why they would lie, but wouldn't Russia be like, we just got up here and y' all ain't here.

[A]

Or they lied too.

[D]

Yeah, they both lied.

[A]

Like, we're up Here, too. Where are you at?

[F]

We got monkeys. Can't talk to the monkey.

[D]

So I got a feeling, like, it's not enough for me to care about it.

[A]

Agreed.

[D]

But when people say, like, oh, the Earth is flat, then I start to go, all right, man. Yeah, you lost me there. Moon landing is one of those things

[F]

where it's like, you were so confident at the beginning of this.

[D]

I gotta go.

[F]

Jake, it's been really good.

[A]

You're confident.

[C]

Me?

[F]

Are you guys breaking up with me? And you got ryan to call.

[D]

Rs our new. Ryan's our new.

[F]

We got to get Hannah off the group thread. We got out her crazy.

[A]

So, Hannah, how about this? You live with a couple of guys. You're 19. Your personality now is out there. What could they do to get you

[F]

all of these things?

[A]

No, but if you were. If you're Colin. Right. And now we're talking to Ryan, what could Ryan do that you would not want to live with him? How do we get you to want to break up with Ryan? From being a living.

[F]

I think, honestly, the out crazy. The crazy is the only way to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Now that we've gone deeper into it and he's got a. This is terrible to say out loud, but he would have to feel like the home is unsafe for him.

[A]

Right.

[F]

Which for him is the scented candles and the Clorox and Diet Cokes everywhere.

[A]

What if you. What if you also went to a pet shop and got a rat?

[D]

Yeah. Oh, dude.

[A]

And you knew. Or you got something, you know, that made it look like there was a raccoon in the house. And when the food's out, you put your hand in and mix it around, and then you go, has somebody been leaving raw eggs in the bathroom? Because we literally have rats.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Strong ones now because they've been getting all the protein. You know what I mean? They're like. Like Rocky Balboa. They're just chugging raw eggs.

[E]

Yeah. I like the sort of rodent idea because it would sort of convince him that, like, it's his fault and, like, we're not going to do anything about

[D]

it, because at the very least, he'll start cleaning after he has to, because

[A]

there's rats in the house.

[D]

Yeah. And at least, you know, he'll be a little bit more bearable to live,

[A]

by the way, for the common space he has to.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah. That's where house rules. Here's the thing. If you're just trying to modify behaviors, you might need house rules. If you're trying to get him to leave?

[A]

Yes.

[F]

Then you don't want him to modify

[A]

behavior, but we need to, like, smoke him to. I've got a thought. Thought that's gonna seem a little jokey, but I think it's better than a rat. What if you say you came home and you saw a raccoon in the house?

[E]

I mean, I. I would have to get my other roommates in on it, I think, because just, you know, they know me pretty well.

[A]

Just your main roommate. You guys came home. Colin and the other guy weren't there. There was a full raccoon in the bathroom eating the eggs. It was terrifying. The kitchen was torn up. You open up a couple of bags, you throw stuff out, you scatter things around and go, hey, guys, this ain't a rat or a mouse. There's a goddamn raccoon who got access. I don't know how it got in.

[D]

Open the door with its hands.

[A]

Those little can do that. That's terrifying. Say this little knows our code.

[D]

Yeah, it's like my ID badge.

[A]

Yeah, he goes to school here.

[D]

He'.

[A]

Cool.

[D]

He's wearing a backpack.

[A]

His name is Howard the cuz. Here's what I'm trying to get to, buddy. Hey, Colin. Other guy, we need to have a talk. Why? The house was. I don't know what's happened. I think we all. We are all messy, but there's something wrong with. Oh, here's another idea. The place is haunted. Here's why. If the goal is to get him out.

[D]

The ghost love eggs.

[A]

Something crazy happened. I don't know if you guys are into this. This, but I was in the bathroom and I saw a reflection of, like, a dragoon eating the eggs. Man, we gotta get out of here.

[F]

Yeah, you have to do. You're gonna have to level up. I don't think you're going around with Clorox and candles is gonna do it for this guy. It is hard to find a place that you want to live. Obviously, the guy who's sharing his room is cool with him. So you do have to start to get a little weird with it, where he just goes like, I can't do it. You know?

[A]

And I want him to go to the RA. Can I move by March 15?

[F]

That's right.

[A]

And they go, why? And he goes, I don't want to tell on anybody. Everything's fine.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

The guy's pretending there's raccoons in the house and ghosts.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

And then he could tell others. That guy Ryan's a goofball.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

Fine. Okay, fine.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you say to him, like, oh, you're moving out, man. I thought you were gonna help me fight all these raccoons. Nah, man, you got it. You got it.

[F]

You gotta be kind of bummed.

[A]

You gotta be kind of bummed.

[F]

Yeah. All right. That's what you want to do.

[A]

That's like, man, I hate to see you go, yeah, but Ryan, that will. That could work. Yeah, but what I get from you is a lot of I don't know if I could do it. Where you at?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

I just don't know if I could pull that. That sort of deception off. Like, I don't know, I think he would like, immediately catch on to it.

[A]

Okay, here's what we're gonna try. Here's what we're gonna try. Will you be Colin?

[D]

Yep.

[A]

Will you be Colin's friend? Sure, Ryan. I'm gonna be your buddy. You just came home, okay? You're telling all three of us about whatever you feel.

[D]

Who am I again?

[A]

You are. You're the. I'm calling her. Okay, and your point is, Ryan, you're trying to get Colin to kind of go, I think I should probably boogie soon. This isn't the environment I want to live in during these years of my life. And he can get out of it. It. So take a second, Ryan, and come up with everything you've heard. Your best strategy.

[D]

You guys know who I hate?

[A]

Who?

[D]

Dr. Fauci.

[E]

And am I. Am I trying to, like, freak him out or am I trying to like, lay down rules?

[A]

What do you. You know what, Ryan? At this point, you got to make that decision. I know you're just a 20 year old kid, okay? But this is time. You got to pull those big boy pants up and start starting.

[D]

I stopped bleaching my. Because it gets into my system.

[A]

So what do you think that does?

[D]

I think, honestly, I think it makes. So your brain is susceptible to government persuasion.

[A]

Oh, no way.

[D]

It's like fluoride.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

In the water.

[A]

Yeah, I hear that.

[E]

Hey, Colin.

[A]

What's up, man? But I hear some of that's good for you in Florida. I mean, it's with the cavities.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Ryan.

[E]

Hey, Colin.

[D]

What's up, brother?

[E]

And. And John, I. I was just. I was in the bathroom earlier and I saw the raw eggs again. I'm just worried about attracting rats because I found some, like little feces below some of our beds.

[F]

No way.

[E]

And I heard scurrying in the walls and rat noises.

[A]

Right.

[E]

It's not if we could put the raw eggs maybe. Maybe up on a shelf or in your room, maybe.

[D]

Here's what's happening, man. It's one big ecosystem, right? The eggs attract the rats. One big family. The rats ingest the eggs. They digest the eggs into a form of feces, which we could also use as a facial mask.

[F]

Okay. I mean, technically, he's not wrong.

[A]

Stop it, Hannah. That was Hannah and Lamor. Now, you two are not nuts.

[F]

Things work.

[A]

Ratchet is not a. Rachel, I will go along with the eggs on the head madness when you confidently go like this. He's not wrong. He is wrong.

[D]

Let me ask you this.

[F]

He's gonna believe what John's gonna believe. Okay? John's gonna tell you about John in the third person.

[D]

Hey, Ryan, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this, right? When cows drop deuces and grass, what does it do? Flourishes.

[A]

Okay. Right.

[D]

Right in your mouth, which is good for the teeth.

[A]

This was not hard enough. So if that's going to be your approach. Nothing's going to happen in my.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

If you go in there and you go like, hey, man, I was just wondering. It might attract rats. I do think Lamorne was comedic about it, but I think he's right. He's gonna have a spin.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He'll go like, yeah, I don't really think that's a big issue, actually. You know, actually, rats don't like eggshells.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, no, they do. And then he goes, well, there was feces in the kitchen before. I mean, we just have mice in an old building like this. And then you're. Yeah. And then you're in a conversation about nothing. You've got to come in. Yeah, I saw this happening.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

It's way worse than a. Like, I've already. I'm contacting the school. I got to figure out what the janitor or whatever. But we had a let go.

[F]

You know what you got to do?

[D]

Allergies.

[F]

No. You got to hit him with a bill. So you got to be like, I'm going to call pest control because this is your problem. I called for a quote. It's going to be two grand. That's on you.

[D]

What if he's like, my dad said

[F]

you got to come in hard.

[A]

I agree, but that's tough.

[D]

What if. What if Colin's dad's rich?

[F]

Colin's dad doing.

[D]

Right. Whatever.

[A]

Ryan, what do you think about coming in harder, either with the animal or with a bill?

[E]

Okay. Yeah, I could come in a little harder. Like, hey, guys. I saw a rat, and I know

[A]

it was eating the eggs.

[F]

Yes.

[E]

And it was eating specifically the eggs.

[A]

And so that. And then you know what I would say? I saw a rat eating the eggs, and then when I came in, it ran right in the toilet, Went down the drain.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So we have rats in our toilet because of your eggs, man.

[D]

And they're gonna come up and, like, eat the. Out of our butts.

[E]

Yeah, they're gonna crawl up our buttholes from the drains. This is a huge problem.

[D]

Richard Gear style.

[A]

This one's gerbil rat.

[D]

Same thing.

[A]

Very different.

[F]

You know, that was a rumor that Stallone.

[A]

He did it, too.

[F]

No, he started the rumor about Richard Gear because he was pissed off about him, and he did a fact to his publicist to start a rumor because he was so pissed off.

[A]

That's incredible.

[F]

And that's. Everybody knows that story.

[D]

That's what he did.

[A]

Ryan, here's what I recommend. You walked in, you saw a rat. It was eating the eggs. Specifically. You freaked out.

[C]

Out.

[A]

I'm afraid of rats. I yelled the thing, ran into our toilet and crawled down. This can't happen again. And then go, hey, man, if you want to do this kind of stuff where you put food in your hair, whatever, maybe. Will you move? But in this house, I got a big phobia of rats, so I need everything to be really clean. But I'm freaking out here. Go ahead.

[D]

I got a good one. Where is. Okay, where is Colin politically?

[A]

Feels like a dangerous question.

[F]

Yeah, I was. Not the same thing. That's the one way to get someone to go these days.

[D]

Let me just ask. Where is he politically?

[E]

He's pretty hard right wing, I would say.

[D]

Here's what you do.

[A]

Knew that.

[D]

Here's what you do.

[A]

Hard right wingers. Putting eggs in his hair.

[D]

Here's what you. Yeah, you don't believe in the system.

[A]

Like, you're very concerned it was going to be a.

[F]

This is where the Venn diagram does not cross over with mine.

[A]

But that's a wild term, dude.

[D]

Here's what you do. You get a lot of Democratic memorabilia. You put. You know, you have signs in the house. You ask if he wants to, like, sign up for, like, a protest, sit

[F]

on the couch and read Kamala's new book.

[D]

Oh, that's right.

[E]

I do have a. A large sign that says no blood for oil. Should I put that up, like, in the House?

[A]

But also, you know, you could also do get a group of students for the no blood for oil committee and start hosting in Your living room. Him.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Friends that are, like, in the Communist Club on campus.

[F]

Comfortable? You sound.

[A]

Now, for you, Ryan, you might be a communist, you might not, but you're interested in the club, so you volunteer to host the Communist Club in your living room.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

This will get him. So you'll be like, I'm not living with a bunch of comments. No, he's running, Ryan. This is it.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

Because then you make it seem like he's one of the group.

[E]

Yeah. Because you wouldn't want to live with me next year. Yeah.

[A]

No, there's no way he would. No, he's literally living with communists, which would be his nightmare.

[F]

Absolutely.

[D]

Dude, I think you figured it out.

[A]

This is it.

[F]

We cracked it.

[A]

Ryan, what are you gonna do? And how are you gonna.

[E]

Well, I think it's gonna be like a two pronged. Like, I'm gonna do the big, like, communist meeting. Like, I'll have my friend over. I think you're probably at like 10 people in. I'll volunteer to host the meeting and then just like sprinkle in some like. Like, I'll talk to my. My friend, the roommate. I'll talk to him about, like, I'm. We need to kill these capitalists, dude. Like, start sprinkling in some ideas, you know?

[A]

But this idea. But, but yes to everything besides the killer. But I think this is the right move. You turn this into a communist sanctuary. And we're gonna run them out.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

This is another version of Smoke them out.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And I do truly have to say I do think we killed it.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

You sound real comfortable with this idea, right? It's the first time you've come to a life.

[A]

I thought we gave some good pictures before, but I think this is the most you. Is that accurate?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, definitely the most me, I

[A]

would say, will you take photos of the first Communist Party? Because I also want signs in the back. This is a safe space for communists. Communists welcome on your front door. No capital is here.

[F]

You can't go light.

[A]

You can't go.

[F]

You gotta really commit to the book.

[A]

There's got to be a lot of rud. There's got to be a vibe.

[F]

Did you get one shot?

[A]

You got one. And what? He actually goes. And if he goes, hey, man, I don't feel comfortable with this. Then you go, totally respect it. I don't feel comfortable with your mess. And you crack an eggs on your head. He goes, what do you mean? And you go, the eggshells. I don't feel comfortable with that. And he goes, it's eggs on your head. And you go, I'm just a communist who likes to use government issued shampoo as a communist. Eggs come out of the. You know, you got to eat those. Yeah, we have nothing to spare. Right? So that's really offensive to me to take an egg that a chicken gave us and crack it over your head like a maniac. And he'll go, but I don't feel comfortable. And you go, either we split up or let's just both keep our weird stuff in our own rooms.

[E]

Okay. Yeah, I like this, Ryan.

[A]

Send us a bunch of photos, but go over the top and then follow up with us.

[E]

Okay, I definitely will. Thank you guys so much.

[A]

Thanks, buddy. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

[B]

Listen, go to squarespace.com. this is where it's all happening, guys. I've been working with Squarespace for a long, long time. They just really help you kind of build up your business because it's an all in one website design place. It's a website where you design websites. But it doesn't just help you with websites. It helps you pick the right name. It helps you scale up your business. You can show off what you're doing professionally, get people there, get you paid, all in one place. Like I said, I've worked with Squarespace for a long time. I have have so many websites for different things, all Squarespace. We on the show have used Squarespace repeatedly to help people out. We love them, we use them. Can't recommend it enough. Can't imagine going anywhere else.

[A]

So go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your your first purchase of a website or a domain. This episode of the podcast we're here to help is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

[B]

Oh, sweet Mint Mobile. Jake, listen, I. I'm like you, I'm like Steve. We like to save money, right? You're using your big wireless carriers and they take the money. There's all these fees, there's all these things they're adding on. And you just think that's the way it has to be. Well, it doesn't. And Steve, tell them why.

[D]

Because the thing is about Mint Mobile is you're going to save money. It's more efficient and the calls are oh so clear.

[A]

I didn't realize there was a change, but my bill is whatever it is. Like $15 a month.

[B]

It's $15 a month.

[A]

I can't Tell a difference. But listen, if you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at mint mobile.com/here to help. That's mint mobile.com/here to Help.

[B]

That's upfront payment of $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra Cement Mobile for details.

[A]

Hello.

[F]

Hello.

[A]

How are you?

[C]

I'm. I'm good.

[A]

How are you? I'm doing great. Can I get your name, please?

[C]

We're gonna go with Stella.

[A]

Stella. Stella, you're with. This is a new. Hold on. Stella. It's a new girl special. You got Hannah Simone and you got Lamorne Morris. Lamorne and Hannah, you got the Mess around podcast team. Are you listening to the Mess around yet?

[D]

Say yes.

[C]

I have been. Yes.

[A]

Good. Okay.

[C]

I just heard the clip where he asked. Oh, my God. Who did he ask?

[F]

Oh, my God. Can you please clear it up on this podcast?

[D]

You know, Nasim and I have been friends for a very long time.

[F]

Yes, yes.

[D]

We played husband and wife.

[A]

You just asked me about. You asked her on a date?

[D]

No. So, you know, for years, fans have been always like, are you gonna date in real life? Cause you guys did the movie together. On our show, we did a bit where I call Naseem and say, I go, I'm just gonna date Naseem. And I go, naseem, what's up? You trying to date? You look single. And she's just like, yeah, we just gonna talk about your Raya dates and all this. I was like, yeah, yeah, funny bit.

[F]

We're all in on it. We're laughing.

[D]

And then every news outlet picked it up.

[A]

Every yesterday, it was the same day

[F]

that the Garfield news broke. He. They covered is Lamore Lawrence asks out to see Pedrat. And the Garfield thing just got bottom.

[A]

What network is that? Palm was so bad. It's a bit.

[F]

It's a bit of prank Sinatra. Way too big. Way too big.

[D]

Way too big. I mean, it was like, people, everybody, people think it's real. People are asking me.

[A]

Like, somebody brought it up to me, actually. I just remember I got a text saying, I think, think it was asked out. And I was like, okay, I don't.

[D]

No, I didn't ask her out on a date.

[F]

No, no.

[D]

Just being now, now would I.

[F]

Don't start it again. Don't start it again.

[D]

Right, bro, you haven't seen a scene in, like a gown, Dog Nasim come out in the gown sometimes, man. Looking luxurious, looking just regal. You know what I mean?

[A]

I mean, are you making a weird play here?

[D]

There are times when I think about

[F]

the scene legs and he's just. Just keep going.

[D]

Also, bro, I got these lights in my house, right? Changes any color, Right. When it's purple, I get into a romantic mood.

[A]

That's cool.

[D]

I like to rewatch the new girl episodes, you know, for the mess around then the seam heavy ones. And I turn the lights purple just so I can feel that connection one more time. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Purple reminds me of Prince.

[D]

That's true.

[A]

That's a whole other story. Speaking of Stella, what's going on today?

[C]

Okay, so my 12 year old daughter was born with an extra toe and she has loved this thing her whole life.

[A]

Extra.

[C]

An extra toe? Yeah. I sent Natalie a picture in case you guys wanted to see it, but we don't really want to share that on social media.

[F]

Oh, I see.

[A]

I'd like to see it just for

[F]

our viewing pleasure, but it won't be shared with the world.

[A]

All right, so maybe that. Yeah, so we'll keep going then, Stella.

[C]

Okay, so basically I need help on making her feel less awkward and uncomfortable about it because we used to love going to get pedicures and stuff together and she didn't want to do that recently when we had a girls day out with my cousins and when I pressed her on it, she said, well, I just don't like the comments that everybody makes every single day.

[A]

She needs a story. She needs a story.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, we need something. She needs a comeback. She needs.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, really? She needs. Oh my God. You have six toes and then blank.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Something that she's gonna take the interaction and win with it a little bit. That.

[D]

Yeah, you got to. You got to use it to your advantage. Cuz I will say, like if I was in track and somebody was. I got six toes. I'd be like, yo, they run faster.

[A]

Agreed. If I was rock climbing.

[D]

Oh, yeah. One, two, three, four.

[A]

That's not even nothing. She's got five and a third toe. Yeah, like a little.

[F]

She's got like, she looks like she got four toes and one slightly bigger toe.

[A]

Okay, so this is different. She just has her fifth toe is a little bit big and then it looks like that. I thought it was straight up six toes.

[C]

Well, so it is. They couldn't cut it off in delivery because it has its own bone and everything.

[F]

So it's.

[C]

It's a toe. It's considered pterodactyl is what they call it. But she loves, she doesn't want to get rid of it. I've asked her if she wants to get it removed. She has no intention of it. She wants to keep it. It's got a name. It just, you know, how do we make her feel more comfortable because she's 12 now too and if she wants to wear like flip flops or open toed shoes. Kids are mean.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah, kids are mean.

[D]

What's, what's, what's her toe's name?

[C]

It's Marilyn because Marilyn Monroe also had a sixth toe.

[D]

You're working with so much here. Yeah, you're working with so much here.

[A]

I agree.

[D]

You know what I mean? I think especially at this age, kids don't understand what cool is yet.

[E]

Yet.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Having a, having a six toe especially. And you name it Marilyn after. Because Marilyn Monroe, one of the most iconic people in history.

[F]

Gorgeous, sexy, talented.

[A]

Got a crazy pitch. Yeah, cuz you're right, Lamar. But she, I think she's looking for a little bit more. How about this? They go, oh my God, you have six toes. Or what would they kind of say that she doesn't like to hear? Like, what's the kind of comment?

[C]

I think they just start, they just start to make a fuss about it. They're like, oh, six toes. Someone always makes a joke about trying to make sure. Or they ask her if she's a good swimmer because of it. And it's just like, here's what she says. They're not wet.

[A]

She goes like this, that's nothing. When I was born, I used to have wings and a tail and they go, what? And you go, I had to get rid of the wings and a tail because as a baby I would fly everywhere and they were gonna put me to study me because I could fly. And this was the only thing I held on. It's just a six toe. It's not that big of a deal.

[D]

Like, but I still have some other powers.

[A]

Yeah, but if you blow it up and then you go like, like I was born, like when I was first born, they go like, oh my God, you have six toes. You go like this. Yeah, it's not a big deal. When I was born, I had full on wings that stretched 15ft and I could fly as fast as a plane and I had a tail that my balance was goes. You're like. She goes like I could balance on a beam in the middle like, like a monkey. And they're like, what? And then they go, yeah. So I got, I had to get rid of all that. And I go, because I couldn't be in society. I was a superhero, like, quite literally. So I got rid of all those, but I wouldn't allow. My mother allowed me to keep this, but it's just nothing. So then they go, what do you want an extra two bucks to paint it? What are we talking about here? A six toe? It's tiny. So that she has. She just kind of clowns them a little bit with this. What are we talking about here?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Or.

[D]

I mean, I like that idea. I also, I also like. Have you ever seen the movie eight Mile?

[A]

Hell yeah. Are you asking her?

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Have you seen the movie Stella? Have you seen 8 Mile?

[C]

I personally, I haven't seen it in years. Yeah, it's. It's been a long time.

[D]

I would do a rewatch because Eminem does a great job of using what people would make fun of him of as his superpower, as his strength. So when all, you know, she knows what all the kids are going to say about her toe. Instead of, here's how you. Here's how you dissolve all of that instantly. Oh, you got an extra toe. Take your sock off and go, yeah, you want to see it?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, you want to see it? You go, it's Marilyn. It's called Marilyn Monroe. And they're going to be like, oh, you got extra toe. You're like, yeah, I know. Yeah, you want to see it.

[A]

Here's the other thing we can do on this. Going off of that same idea. And this is going to. If she can pull this off, off, it's going to give her great comedic timing as she gets older. Every time she needs to act shocked. Yeah. Like, yeah. So pretend your toes don't look like. Yeah. Or no, she doesn't know she had it. Like, I go like this. Pretend you're the lady in the nail salon. Hi. Oh, look.

[D]

Oh, hey.

[A]

Huh?

[D]

Oh, I. I didn't know. I. It seems as if you have an extra toe.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[D]

Oh, yeah, see, well, she's not. Well, her issue isn't with the nail technique conditions.

[A]

But then in school.

[D]

How about that?

[A]

We're in school and I have flip flops on. You're another kid.

[D]

Oh, look at. Oh, you go with the extra toe. Oh, you didn't know?

[A]

I never seen it.

[D]

Oh, my God. I'm sorry to break the news. I feel so bad.

[A]

Then you go, relax. I've had it my whole life.

[D]

Oh, oh, okay.

[B]

All right.

[D]

We're gonna be friends.

[A]

Yeah. But there's an instant if every time she does the joke, like she had no idea.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Your thoughts, Anna?

[F]

Here's what I would say. If you're going cuz you talked about going for pedicures with your daughter and then that kind of gotten ruined cuz she feels like everybody makes a big deal. It's similar to what your thought was. Was my first thought, which is you be the super mom, which is queen distract. So if they go like look at that toe. You just go, I have three nipples. You do something, anything, you move the focus off. Knows what I'm saying?

[A]

I would not call that super mom.

[F]

Means I'll make myself. Yeah, but what do you do to intervene?

[C]

I usually step in. But not. I usually just change the subject. I'm just like, haha. Yeah. And then I try to change the subject to something else. Never use the third nipple tactic.

[F]

I'm just saying you gotta distract. Okay, what about it's like the wings and the tail.

[A]

What about painting it a different color and leaning into what Lamorne was saying before where they go like, oh my God, you have six toes and go like this. Yeah. Five are mine. One's Marilyn.

[D]

Yeah. Marilyn's got her own thing going.

[A]

Mar's got and you. And she goes like. And then she goes like I can't control her.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I've been trying to get rid of her forever, but Marilyn is like a 65 year old woman that will not get off of your daughter's foot. Where she goes like. It's unbelievable. She been since I was born. She's just hanging on.

[D]

She says the wildest things. I got to shut her up sometime.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like a ventriloquism.

[D]

She's from a different time. She's from the 60s. Imagine what comes out of her mouth.

[A]

Smokes.

[D]

Yeah. Indoors.

[A]

Yeah. But she just creates a funny. That Marilyn is this older character that's a pain in the ass and it's always on her foot and she's with. If the other kids make fun of her, she's with them. Yeah, but then she'll go like guys, Maryland's really. I'm gonna have to deal with this later. Yeah, but Marilyn's got. I mean it's got nothing to do with your daughter. Just this weird toe that just hangs out on her body. But guess what? She's like, I know I could get rid of it. And I would also say like I have the option to get surgery, but. But I just don't feel right. She's a nice woman. What has she ever done? She's a nice toe. She hasn't done anything wrong to anybody. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna keep her. But, you know, it's just, you know, she doesn't have anywhere else to go. Yeah, she doesn't have. All her nine brothers and sisters are gone, but she's all alone in this thing. And I got my set. I got the 10, but I'm just letting Marilyn. Honestly, I got. I got too big of a heart. I can't get rid of her.

[D]

And I got one big.

[A]

You love Maryland. Well, that. What if you play that, then. And I'm teasing you, but you're actually essentially a really nice person doing charity for Maryland. That you're like. Yeah. You're like, oh, oh, obviously, I know. I'm not a goofball. I've seen Marilyn. And then you go like. Put your hand over your foot and go like. She's a whole thing. She's a sweet lady. Sweet lady. But this is the whole thing down here. And then you go, hey, Tommy, since I've been a baby, what are you gonna do? And I go like this, but what are you gonna do? It's just a six toe. You guys all have five toes each. What are you guys.

[F]

It's a short season. That's what I'll say. She's 12, right? So it's a short season where she's gonna feel like this and it won't be a big deal because here's the problem. Like you said, kids are mean. And if it wasn't Marilyn, it'd be something else.

[A]

But referring to as a short season, I really like about adolescence. Yeah, it's a smart way of putting. It's just a short season.

[F]

It's a short season. So she'll get through it. And then she realizes all of them have their weird too. That she could go at them for.

[A]

That's not. We don't.

[D]

Jeremy's dad drinks heavily.

[A]

His name is Jake. And it sticks with. But what do you think, Stella? We've given you some angles that I think could possibly work, but where are you at on all this?

[C]

I think we could use a lot, if not all of them at different points in time. I like. I like the idea of over exaggerating it and then making people feel stupid for.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Making a comment about anything.

[A]

And then you're like, oh, I'm so. You know, hold on. So you know what you could also do in terms of that? Pretend it's something bigger that she has on her foot. And then when she go like. But It's. That's not what they're talking about, where they go like, oh, my God, what is that? Or whatever. Pretend it's this huge. And then you go, oh, my God. Oh, you're just talking about that little toe.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Then you go like this. Oh, it's. It's an extra toe. I was born with it.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

She is a pretty big personality, and I think she could pull off the. Surprised by the toe.

[A]

Yes, very often.

[C]

Especially if I'm not with her when this comes up.

[A]

So, like, Stella, how about this? What if you make little business cards that says, I have a six toe, but don't talk about it? I don't want my other foot to feel jealous. Somebody brings it up. She just goes like, here, here you go. Like this. Yes, I have a six, but I. But I only have. Unfortunately, I only have five on my right foot, and my right foot's really insecure about it. So she just hands a car card.

[C]

I think that would. That would. That would be a lot. I think carrying. Who carries business cards around anymore?

[F]

She gives them a QR code.

[A]

All right, so, Stella, what are you going to do here? And also, if she ever wants to call in the show, we'd be happy to talk to her.

[C]

I can see if she's here right now. I can see if she'll talk to you guys.

[F]

Stella, I'll also say to you, just so you know this, she should read Padma Lakshmi's story, because Padma Lakshmi, who's, like, one of the most beautiful women on planet Earth, supermodel. She hosts Top Chef for a million seasons. She actually has a pretty big scar on her arm. I feel like there's a lot of women where a lot of people focused on something that was, like, physically, visibly different about them. Right. And. And they would just flaunt it then. And it became the most, like, non thing about them because they weren't trying to hide it. They weren't trying to do a big distract from it.

[E]

It.

[F]

And they're like, yeah, this is how my body is.

[A]

That's true.

[F]

If you just say, yeah, this is how my body is.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Now what?

[A]

I know, but tough at 12.

[F]

A lot of really amazing, gorgeous women that have kind of walked through this world, and they're seen as the most beautiful women in the entire world.

[D]

Winnie Harlow.

[F]

Winnie Hart.

[C]

I have her. I do have her here.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

You know how you guys always used to walk around when you were little and be like, thin crust pizza. No, thanks. I'm from Chicago. Oh, yeah, that's who does this podcast? Do you want to talk to them?

[A]

Oh, interesting. I thought she was talking to us.

[C]

Hi.

[E]

Hey.

[A]

What's happening?

[B]

Hey.

[C]

Nothing much.

[A]

What's your name? Or make up a name.

[C]

Charlotte.

[A]

Charlotte. So, Charlotte, your mom was telling us a little bit about you, that you got a six toe. Is that correct?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're figuring out ways that you don't have to. First of all, we sell photos. It's not a big deal at all.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

As three grown people who were on a TV show at one point, which gives us very little credibility, but it is a not big deal at all. But what do you think about this? What do you think about if somebody comments on it? You pretend to be very shocked and you've never seen it before in your life. So really funny, Right? It could be Charlotte. Because when they see it, your thought is like, oh, my God. And they go, what? And you go like this. How did that get there?

[D]

Everybody run.

[A]

Everybody run. Toes are coming from everywhere. Then you go, I guess everybody take your shoes off. Check, check. This was not there a minute ago. And then look at your hands and be like, thank God there's only 10. What do you think of that as an idea? We got other pitches.

[C]

No, that's really good. I like that.

[A]

You do. What do you think about pretending the toe is like a 65 year old woman named Marilyn that you're doing charity about? You're just letting her hang out on your foot because she has nowhere else to go.

[C]

That would be. That would be funny. Rent free.

[F]

There you go. You're already building on the bed, by

[A]

the way, just referring to it as rent free. You let, you let that toast stay rent free. Oh, you have six toes. Well, I have five and I let the six one stay rent free. By the way, Charlotte, I don't think you need anything else.

[F]

That's it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Why do you have six toes? I don't. I have five. I'm just letting this extra one stay rent free. That's a great.

[F]

Yeah, that's it. What's anybody going to say to that? They're going to laugh. They're disarmed by your charm.

[A]

Yes. Now they're going to go, oh, she's funny. Because. But by the way, if I said to somebody like, oh, you got six, and they literally said, it's not mine, I only have five. But I'm letting this one take Renfrey. And they go, why? And they go, it's really good. Friends with my other toes.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Everybody laughs and moves on.

[D]

Yeah, it's you can't take these two apart. You can't separate these two.

[A]

The, you know. Yeah, the, the new ones, the one you see and my baby toe, they're best friends. And the foot that they were from wasn't a great family environment.

[F]

Ever heard of Nick and Schmidt?

[A]

That's fun. You name one Nick, you name one Schmidt.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

But what do you think of that idea, Charlotte? That could work big.

[C]

All of these ideas are really good.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Go ahead, Lamorne.

[D]

Or one final pitch. If anyone ever makes fun of your toes, though, you punch him right in the mouth. You go, shut up.

[F]

Yeah, this is a protective. A protective dad's approach.

[D]

You go, shut your mouth.

[A]

Yeah. What about the old school? Shut your mouth. Shut up.

[D]

I'll make it so you only have six teeth. Everybody's like, oh, you're right, you're right.

[A]

No, thank you.

[D]

Yeah, nobody wants to get beat up,

[A]

walk around, and always have a black belt from karate that you could buy online. And they go, hey, hold on. Let me just get this out of my bag. And your black belt, you just look right at them. So, Charlotte, what are you thinking you're gonna try here? What. What feels best and most like you?

[C]

I don't know. I really like the rent free one.

[A]

It's so good.

[D]

Yeah, that one's perfect.

[A]

Can we, can we try a run through of it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so tell me a situation that could come up. And then what I would love you to do is go with your mom and practice this. So if it's gonna happen, if you're afraid it's gonna happen at a nail salon, go to one excitedly having this comeback. And the first time, it might be awkward, but you're practicing. Because if you do this three times, by the fourth time, you're gonna be nailing it.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the fifth time is gonna be hilarious. I'm telling you, by the time you've done this for 20 times, you're gonna look forward for people to say it, because you're gonna be like, I hope this little. You're gonna see some little geek walk by and you're gonna be like. Like, I know his haircut. He's gonna say something. Let me put my foot out here. You can start fishing for it. So let's try it. You're at a nail salon. Hannah could do it. Not Lamore.

[F]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

Or I could do it. Whatever you want.

[F]

You do it. You do it. You do it.

[A]

So then, Charlotte, pretend you're sitting down and I'm the nail Tech.

[C]

Okay. Oh, whoa.

[A]

Is it. Do you have six toes?

[F]

Wow.

[A]

I would have to charge extra.

[C]

It's kind of just sitting there. Yeah, I let him come into my house, and then it's kind of just been a thing ever since then.

[A]

Wait, what's that, honey?

[C]

Yeah, it's. It's. Her name's Marilyn. She's been living with us for a while. Everybody loves her. She bakes cookies.

[A]

Your six toe bakes cookies.

[C]

Her name's Marilyn.

[A]

Oh, great. Well, I gotta charge you $4 extra for Marilyn. Oh, then, you know, you could say,

[D]

charlotte, offer some cookies. That Marilyn?

[A]

Yeah, you can look like this. I don't think she has any money. You could ask. You could go, meryl, you got a million? Then you go, don't paint that one. Charlotte, that's feeling really good. And you're very fun.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

Or what you could do, like, if she's like. If she. Like when you put your feet down in the water and they go, oh, my gosh, it looks as if you have. Is that a six toe?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Then what you could do is you could take that hot water, throw it in her face.

[F]

Protective dad is back.

[D]

Throw it in her face, Charlotte.

[F]

He doesn't like anybody saying nothing like this.

[D]

You got a problem with me?

[A]

Yeah, you got a problem?

[D]

Just throw the hot water right there.

[A]

Let's not listen to Lamorne. Yeah, let's let Uncle Lauren just kind of talk right now.

[D]

That's the advice I would give my daughter. I just want her to just. Just, you know, think twice. Maybe people think twice about that.

[F]

Yeah. Let the legend live on what happens.

[A]

But, Charlotte, how you feeling here? Because I feel like we might have a win, but it's only important is that what you feel like.

[D]

This is good.

[C]

I like this hot water.

[A]

Will you follow up with us? And will you put yourself in a situation where you have to go and it's probably going to happen. Have your mom with you at a nail place so you can practice and let the first one be a little awkward. Don't get mad at yourself if it doesn't work right away. This is going to maybe take a couple of times until you really find the rhythm of it. So if you crush it the first time, great. If you don't, don't feel bad.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right. Will you follow up with us after it happens? I would love to hear how it goes. Yeah, I. Sure. You're a very funny kid. Be confident in that.

[F]

Yeah. You're so funny. What a great pitch you had.

[A]

Yeah, it's really it's really, really funny stuff, dude.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

All right, follow up with us.

[C]

I will. We'll. We'll get pedicures probably this week.

[A]

Do it.

[F]

Oh, great.

[A]

Yeah. Let's get her in the situation a bun so she can practice.

[F]

Yeah. And you got a good backup plan with a third and half a nipple.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Perfect. Yeah.

[E]

All right, we'll jump in with the

[C]

third nipple if necessary.

[A]

Alrighty. I appreciate you. Thank you for calling Fist to the face.

[D]

Yep. All right.

[C]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

What did you say?

[D]

Or a fist to the face.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Talk about me, I knock your head off.

[A]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[D]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[B]

Theme theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast. That was a Headgum podcast.

[B]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[D]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum.

[B]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[A]

This is Us.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[D]

Are we gonna cry? Yes. Little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[B]

A whole lot.

[D]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was Us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.