280: Carjacking & Water From The Bottom

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 280: “Carjacking & Water From The Bottom”

Date: April 13, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guests: Steve Berg
Main Callers: Joe (Chicago), Maria (Philly), Joanna (Chicago)

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Jake and Gareth tackle three callers’ uniquely weird life issues, blending their signature blend of dubious advice, improvisational bits, and genuine attempts to help out. From guidance on post-vasectomy sampling etiquette to the ethics of plant murder cover-ups and committing to a grocery store costume bit, the hosts make the mundane hilariously over-the-top—and often practical.

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Key Discussion Points

1. The Chicken Sausage/Lisagna Jingle Bit with Steve Berg (01:10–04:57)

• Jake, Gareth, and Steve riff on ad jingles, particularly Steve’s “chicken sausage/no casing” take that morphs into a fake ad agency sketch.
  • “Ooh, mama, get that casing off and get the sausage in my mouth!” – Steve Berg (01:51)
  • “I would literally go, everybody gets fired” – Jake Johnson, on the jingle’s quality (03:01)
• The group reminisces about their early improv days at the now-defunct Improv Olympic West and their shared formative experiences (05:22–07:34).

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2. Caller 1: Joe’s Vasectomy Sample Dilemma (13:31–32:34)

Summary

Joe, from Chicago, is anxious about how to provide a post-vasectomy sperm sample now that he’s required to do it at a hospital 30+ minutes away, where samples expire quickly. His employer monitors his phone, so digital “assistance” is risky; he asks for creative, practical help with “performance anxiety” in a sterile, unfamiliar environment.

Advice Breakdown & Quotes

• Gareth’s (jokey and legally dubious) “carjacking” pitch: Masturbating in the car in a remote spot.
  • “I'm gonna call it a carjacking. Natalie, hold on. I'm in the middle.” – Gareth Reynolds (16:52)
• Natalie seriously warns against illegal public acts: “Is it really sexy and fun to be labeled as a sex offender for masturbating in public?” (18:11)
  • Jake reinforces, “We're never gonna pitch to masturbate in public. Yeah.” (19:19)
• The team veers into stories: Jake’s hobo-freight-train masturbation for warmth at 19 (“I was so cold, I masturbated” – 20:20), prompting both ribbing and disbelief.
• Concrete suggestions emerge:
  • Go “old school” with adult magazines: “Back in the day, you could look at like a JCPenney catalog and it would literally be a lady in a swimsuit.” (21:46)
  • Turn the ordeal into a fun date with the wife:
    • “Ask the wife to come with, turn it into you crazy kids… maybe we go in the bathroom.” – Jake Johnson (24:39)
    • “It might be fun for her to go like this is insane.” (25:19)
  • Propose an Evite for the “event.”
• Joe’s final plan: Try the magazine option or talk to his wife about a “date” in the hospital bathroom, per Jake and Gareth’s advice.

Memorable Quotes

• “You did this together… Let's get the party started. It’s called the let’s get the party started festivities. You send her an Evite. There’s one person.” – Jake Johnson (25:02)
• “Make it a date! Breakfast, bowling, then you ‘drop the sample’ and head out.” – Group consensus (29:21)
• “Please follow up with us.” – Jake/Gareth (30:32)

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3. Caller 2: Maria’s African Violet Confession (37:00–55:00)

Summary

Maria, from Philly, inherited her 106-year-old grandma’s 30-year-old African violet after a rough journey and poor fit as a caregiver. She confesses to accidentally killing the cherished plant and asks whether to tell her mother or fake its survival.

Advice Breakdown & Quotes

• Jake & Gareth’s diagnosis: Mom “set her up” to fail; it’s not her fault.
  • “Why would she give this to you? …I feel like I was set up for failure, and I think she knew that.” – Maria (42:44)
• The family has precedent for big lies (her mother once hid serious family news from the grandmother to protect her).
  • “Your mom lied to her mother about her son. You're talking about an African violet.” – Jake Johnson (45:01)
• Advice: Lie forever about the plant, guilt-free, and embellish the story for fun.
  • Gareth: “Give it the version of like we took the dog to a farm… I found someone who loved African violets. It's in a greenhouse surrounded by others.” (45:35)
  • Jake: “Make up a tale about it being spread around the country—create a character, like Colonel Dave the flower guy.” (54:16)
• The team pitches cover stories and role-plays a possible explanation for Maria’s mom, building up the myth of the plant’s continuing journey.

Memorable Quotes

• “Take this one to the grave. Your mom goes, how's the flower? You go, Healthier than ever. You gotta water from the bottom.” – Jake Johnson (45:10)
• “Spirit revenge!” – Gareth, describing the catharsis in lying about the flower’s fate (47:14)
• “Colonel Dave the flower guy” – the final chosen cover persona, mixing aspects of her grandmother and late brother (54:18)
• Maria: “I think we nailed it. I think Colonel Dave is the perfect.” (55:07)

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4. Caller 3 (Follow-up): Joanna’s Trader Joe’s Bit Continues (58:03–69:47)

Summary

Joanna, who previously ghosted a Trader Joe’s after a job offer and had frequent awkward run-ins, committed to the hosts’ earlier suggestion: visiting the store dressed in a rival store (Jewel Osco) uniform to sell the story she’d gotten hired there instead.

Advice Updates & Outcomes

• Joanna shares photos of her full Jewel Osco get-up, recounts that staff noticed, and interactions are now friendlier, “even if they think I'm weird.” (61:11)
• Jake and Gareth celebrate her commitment to the bit: “This is what the show is all about. Committing to the bit, which is funny, but also… it works.” (62:14)
• Pitches to escalate:
  • Gareth: Rotate uniforms—“Maybe we throw on, like, a Lowe's outfit… then maybe a Home Depot.” (63:37)
  • Jake: “Don’t go insane. She’s a manager at Jewel Osco. We’ve won.” (63:52)
  • Joanna is all in: “I want to keep playing into it. And I had fun when I went the first time, so I think I want to keep playing into it.” (68:52)
• Instructions for heightening the bit with calls or video, but stressing not to push too far for realism.

Memorable Quotes

• “You just go to Trader Joe’s after you finish working because you’re also complimenting them.” – Jake Johnson (63:14)
• “Every three months she’s in a new… She works at Toys R Us.” – Jake jokes about the escalation (63:57)
• “Wear the red one for Valentine’s Day!” – Joanna (63:06)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Ew, that was the worst one!” – Jake, on Steve’s impromptu sausage jingle (01:57)
• “I masturbated on a freight train when I was 19.” – Jake Johnson, sharing a truly wild story (20:20)
• “Maria, try to lotion from the bottom.” – Gareth, riffing on plant care/inappropriate plant bits (41:33)
• “Colonel Dave the flower guy.” – Jake/Gareth’s invented legend for the murdered violet (54:22)
• “Committing to the bit, which is funny, but also… it works.” – Gareth, endorsing a life guided by goofiness (62:15)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | Sausage Jingle & Improv Memories | 01:10–07:34 | | Joe’s Vasectomy Sample Dilemma | 13:31–32:34 | | Maria’s African Violet “Murder” Confession | 37:00–55:00 | | Joanna’s Jewel Osco/Trader Joe’s Follow-up | 58:03–69:47 |

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Tone & Language

True to “We’re Here to Help,” the episode is freewheeling, raw, and deeply unserious about serious things. Jake is the wry straight man to Gareth’s manic tangents, but both exude genuine warmth for the callers. The advice often doubles as comedic improvisation, yet threads of real empathy and actionable ideas emerge throughout. The inclusion of Steve Berg brings extended riffing, while the show’s signature is riff-turned-reality—helpfulness through the lens of “what’s the silliest thing we could do?”

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Conclusion

Episode 280 embodies the “We’re Here to Help” ethos—a blend of “maybe-decent” life advice, playful escalation, and sincere listener engagement. From sample cups to African violet conspiracies and grocery store cosplay, Jake and Gareth prove that with enough banter, any problem can become a story worth retelling.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a headgun. Podcast. Hacks is back for its fifth and final season. And so is the Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy winning comedy series on each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters

[Gareth Reynolds]

close out their final season.

[Jake Johnson]

Watch Hacks streaming exclusively on HBO Max

[Maria]

and listen to the Hacks podcast on

[Jake Johnson]

HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Joe]

We're here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are back. We're here with Stevie Berg, too, for the intros.

[Steve Berg]

Hey, guys, how you doing? I'm Steve Berg, Omaha, Nebraska.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Steve, hot from the ads.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we were just doing some ads and I decided Gareth and I were just going to do a little bit of work this morning, and I just sent a link to Steve. And Steve, you were singing little tags at the end of each ad. Which one was your favorite? And can we get a taste of some of them?

[Steve Berg]

Wayfair is just what Steve needs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you remember any of the others

[Steve Berg]

besides that one looking good in Quince, which is a fun one because it really accentuates my lisp.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we hear what's.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Kachava.

[Steve Berg]

I don't remember kachava.

[Jake Johnson]

Just make one up. So it's kachava. You know what it is?

[Steve Berg]

Kachava. It is. Oh, so good.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's have one for sausages.

[Steve Berg]

Ooh, mama, get that casing off and get the sausage in my mouth.

[Jake Johnson]

Ew, that was the worst one. Yeah, mama, get the Casey's part of the sausage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pile of sausage.

[Steve Berg]

I don't know my way around a sausage too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'll be honest, there's the title,

[Jake Johnson]

Steven, you think with the way people eat sausages is they go like this. All right, let's cook it up. Let's take the casing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Free meat.

[Steve Berg]

The only reason I say that is because when I do eat a sausage, it's a chicken sausage. And I do take that casing right off, and I do.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, yeah, why don't you just make ground chicken?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hosting our Patreon cooking show with takes like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Our show's not called geniuses here, guys.

[Steve Berg]

Sometimes when you're making lasagna, you want Italian sausage, but my wife doesn't need pork, so I don't need pork, really. But I'll have chicken sausage. I'll take that casing off and I'll grind that up. As opposed to having boring ground chicken, it's ground Italian Sausage, chicken.

[Jake Johnson]

Sounds delicious. Actually, yes, I take what I said. I will say that was the worst jingle. No, you're not, but you were right there. That was the worst jingle I've ever heard for a sausage commercial. It wasn't, but you are right, that lasagna sounds delicious.

[Steve Berg]

It does. It's great.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, mama, take that, Keith and off and let me eat that sausage. If I was an ad, if I was sitting there in the booth, I would literally go. I mean, everybody gets fired. If I just walked in and I was the money guy, I'd go, all right, boys and girls, what you been cooking up? Sarah, I just was in Miami and I go, all right, hey, actually, let's do it, Stevie. I just got in town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Roll it.

[Jake Johnson]

We're doing the. Hey, Gareth, you're our tech guy. Will you set up the spot? All right, Steve, your levels are excited to hear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Steve, your levels are hard to predict. Just. Why don't you go from the top and remember, the money man's here, okay?

[Jake Johnson]

Really fast. I just need to say I've paid you guys your full salary for three months. We appreciate you dying to hear what you've come up with. We are not selling these sausages the way we need to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, let's remember that when we go into the, you know, into the song that we. There's a lot riding on this. So let's get it right. Let's stick to the script to get it right financially.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah, I understand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We play the stakes are raising, but let's just. Let's just hear one.

[Steve Berg]

Okay, so this is what we got cooking so far. A little Diddy like this. Three, two. Actually, in the key of B. Three, two, one. Get those casings off that sausage. Grind it up, grind it up for a nice lasagna. Cuz you wipe this new pork and you might want round chicken instead. Get that casing off,

[Jake Johnson]

Woody. Before I comment, as the tech guy, as the producer that I hired first, before we found this talented. Central casting.

[Steve Berg]

Central casting. I am represented first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll mute so he can't hear us in the booth because I think he's going to be highly responsible.

[Jake Johnson]

He counted himself down, which is crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Gareth, your thoughts, Mr. Reynolds?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, what I like about it is that there's a lot we can cut out to get something good. Maybe I don't like that he said you have to grind the sausage after.

[Steve Berg]

Guys, you said I couldn't hear the fact. I can hear everything you're saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's a crazy denial. Of reality that we had set up.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't you know the first rule of improv, you geek? Actually, I'm not an astronaut. I'm a football player.

[Steve Berg]

It's not my birthday. Get the hell up the stage.

[Jake Johnson]

Get out of here. Okay. You are now at a birthday party. Get out of here.

[Steve Berg]

Improb Olympic West.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We be eight minutes in and be like, this is a long 40 minutes, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

Improv Olympic West. I've been shooting in Hollywood. It is such a grim exterior. Still, it's so weird that nothing ever happened with that space in that whole area of Hollywood. Now it's turned into, like, the craziest area.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's where we all basically started doing improv together. And then after, what would you say, 10 years, it closed when we were there or something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but it was. It was a real hub.

[Steve Berg]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was all. It's like that corner when the shows to get out was like, nuts. I remember when my cousin came to visit right around when that happened. And she wanted to go to Hollywood. Yes, Fiona.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, boy.

[Steve Berg]

She loved me. Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Explain. Steve. Me. She was British.

[Steve Berg]

Okay, okay, okay. The reality is.

[Jake Johnson]

Stevie, will you walk me through a little bit of this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to jump in when I can.

[Steve Berg]

Okay, okay, Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

G. I'm not going to deny the. Ask me Jake.

[Steve Berg]

Looking from my perspective, Jake shoots from Stourbridge, this little kind of like, community in England. Right. That I don't hate it. And she was so taken with me comedically, just probably physically. I mean, I didn't want to say it, but you did let me know

[Gareth Reynolds]

when I could jump in.

[Steve Berg]

And she was. I mean. I mean, he's cooking. I was nervous because I was like, hey, I'm a chicken, man. But, you know, from her eyes, she's

[Jake Johnson]

allowed to look at a gift. She just can't take it home.

[Steve Berg]

That's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I really. Please, someone take me in soon. Honestly.

[Jake Johnson]

You can window shop at a restaurant and you can look at all the donuts. That doesn't mean you have to eat them all, but you can go, I want that one, that one and that one.

[Steve Berg]

But I have.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I'm on a diet.

[Steve Berg]

Absolutely. But, yeah, that's basically long and short of it. She was wonderful. In another life, I think we could have been very happy together. And really.

[Jake Johnson]

So there was tons of vig there.

[Steve Berg]

I mean, on her end, mostly.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, we know you're a very old man to your wife, Gareth. Tag in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Totally delusional. Has been the whole time. She did have a crush on a friend. Of mine. It wasn't Steve. He's been talking like this. Brett. He's been talking like this. Yes, he's him talk. He's been talking like this forever. And he always says that. I. I bet you if I brought his name up to her, she would not know who we're talking about.

[Steve Berg]

And I'm not Gareth Manic right now. Like.

[Jake Johnson]

No, he doesn't. I'm actually with Gareth, too. I feel very 5050 here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's been talking like this for so long.

[Jake Johnson]

He said, remember.

[Steve Berg]

Remember when you guys killed him and

[Gareth Reynolds]

then retired at the top, baby?

[Jake Johnson]

Killed him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Retired on top, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

He talked about how I'm actually very

[Gareth Reynolds]

good at tennis ball move like you.

[Steve Berg]

They had. Jake had to bring me in because they need an expert pickleball player, you know, to do. Do some work, and I did.

[Jake Johnson]

You got nervous while talking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hell no, I didn't.

[Jake Johnson]

I. No, not on set. I mean right now.

[Steve Berg]

While talking.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you killed it in the movie right there. You said because they needed him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because pickles are made of vinegar in the brine and what?

[Jake Johnson]

All right, everybody, enjoy the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, everybody. We just want to remind you, if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help. It drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved. And we're brought to you by Function Health. This has been quite a ride Jake and I have both gone on with Function Health. You're trying to always figure out what's going on with your body. How are you feeling as you get older, you feel more inflammation. Whenever I come back from trips, I'm like, oh, I'm going to get in shape. But you just. It takes a minute. Your energy is off. You're feeling maybe less focused. They feel like I went for a run and I felt like I had another me on my back. But inflammation is something you don't feel until it's already doing damage. So that's what makes testing so important. So chronic inflammation is one of the roots behind heart disease, metabolic dysfunction, accelerated aging. You won't feel until it's already been building up for years. The three makers to pay attention to are crp, hs, crp, which is one of the most clinically validated early warning signals for systemic inflammation. Even small elevations that matter so. Like glucose and insulin. Because blood sugars are dysregulation and inflammation fuel for each other. Let me tell you something. Your vitamin D is low. That's something you're going to learn. Your vitamin D is low and that causes inflammation. So I use function check your health the way I do 160 plus lab tests a year for $365. Plus the ability to dive deeper into your results with functions trusted connections to platforms that you already use like ChatGPT and Claude. [e-mail] heretohelp or use gift code hereto help 25 for a $25 credit towards your membership. Fun is really amazing, so I recommend digging in seeing what's going on with yourself. Jake and I have both done it and both been like whoa. And we're brought to you by Momentous I When people talk about energy recovery performance, what is one thing that they overlook? How about fiber? Momentous has a ton of products. I love Momentous, but they have Momentous Fiber Plus. So if you're training, you're taking protein supplements, but one of the things you're overlooking is fiber. Fiber is so important. Most people think fiber is just about staying regular, but it actually plays a major role in stability, recovery, focus, overall performance. Once you understand how your gut health works, Momentous Fiber plus stops feeling like just another supplement and starts feeling foundational. Momentous Fiber plus helps your other supplements work even better as well. So your other supplements are elevated because of Fiber plus. Fiber was something that I really needed to start incorporating. This has been a real great product. Like I said, I love Momentous. So right now Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code here to help. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code here to help for up to 35% off your first order. That's live. Momentous.com promo code here to help and we are brought to you by Saily. Saily is an E sim service app from the people who brought you NordVPN. We all know NordVPN.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

That's. That's S A I L Y. Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

How you doing?

[Joe]

Good. Good. Yourself?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Welcome to the show. We're here to help. Could we get your name please?

[Joe]

Yes, sir, let's call me Joe for. For now.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Joe, where are you calling from?

[Joe]

I am calling from the Chicago suburbs, Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

What can we do for you today?

[Joe]

Yeah, I'm looking for some help with some upcoming performance anxiety. And. And I need a little hand with some recommendations. Okay, so recently I. I got a vasectomy. Probably about 5ish months ago now nowadays

[Jake Johnson]

this kind of problem.

[Joe]

So. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And so I'm glad it's not an improv show. I would have hung up on you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm in my second class at the improv.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Trust the process.

[Jake Johnson]

Always.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. By the way, one of my favorite things to watch it when someone says no, me too.

[Jake Johnson]

Or when somebody does the sliding door, they go like. They go like. Well, now you're in this place and the person goes, I'm in a bowling alley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As my favorite.

[Jake Johnson]

I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at the junkyard. I run an amusement park.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, all right, Joe, so you got a vasectomy. Our man Gareth is a gonna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have some questions, but keep going.

[Joe]

Yeah. No, no. So it's. It's been about five months. I called my. My office about to a little over two weeks ago, planning to get my test prior to Valentine's Day as a as a Valentine's Day gift. And the office told me that they no longer have the technology to do the test there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What testing?

[Joe]

They have to. They have to do the sperm analysis to confirm that my swimmers are no longer. No longer swimming.

[Jake Johnson]

So you got to do the vasectomy, and then maybe. Your semen are so intense, it goes. Still pushing through.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry. We. Yeah, we linked the tubes back together. You ain't shutting us down, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

If that's the case, Joe, have some kids. That might be a future leader.

[Joe]

Yeah, no, no, the math changes after two kids. I already.

[Jake Johnson]

Never mind. You got the two already.

[Joe]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Joe]

So. So, yeah, I. No, thank you, but yeah. So. So the office was, I don't know, 15 minutes away from my house, so I could prepare the sample at home, deliver it to the office, bing, bang, boom, we're done. I get tested, and it's. It's, um. Now, however, the. I have to go to the local hospital, which is a little over a half hour away. Um, and. And here's kind of where the issue comes in, is that the sample only stays good for a little over a half hour, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Getting out of the office, brother.

[Joe]

Yes, yes. And I've never done that at the hospital. And the other issue is that my phone monitors my. Or my. My work monitors my phone. There's, like, a device management software, so I am kind of uncomfor doing it on my phone because I don't want that to be picked up by. By my employers. And so ultimately, I'm looking for some recommendations on how to warm myself up and get her done in. In the hospital bathroom that I've kind of never been at and never actually done one of those.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, It's a sterile environment. Can I. Can I make an alt pitch?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna call it a carjacking. Natalie, hold on. I'm in the middle.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm with Natalie, but Garrett, keep finishing. Natalie, Let him cook. Let him cook.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let the guy cook a little bit. You could taste the recipe when the ingredients. You're exactly right.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. Pretty much at the end of my pitch, but what I'm going to recommend is that you find a dead zone middle of nowhere. You drive, you know, you get yourself 15 minutes away, but you find a nowhere. You put one of those screen protectors up, you get a little blinds for the car, and you sit up front in a more comfortable environment, and you in the driver's seat, you, you know, pull a nut job.

[Jake Johnson]

You understand what he's pitching yeah, Joe,

[Joe]

I. I do it.

[Maria]

Joe, you're an adult.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the angry she's ever been

[Jake Johnson]

in a. Natalie, mute yourself. We're talking to Joseph.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so.

[Joe]

So I think practically, I think the. I don't think I could get the potential negative repercussions out of my head to get myself going enough to do

[Gareth Reynolds]

that, but would you that it's nice to know that there are options and that what I just did was give you a place where you go, hey, I don't want to go there now. The other one seems a little bit better. And direct your answer towards Natalie. Direct your answer towards Natalie and Jake also seem pretty negatively.

[Maria]

Hey, Joe, is it really sexy and fun to be labeled as a sex offender for masturbating in public?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Joe, is it exciting to be getting away with a crime?

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Joe]

So it is. But those days are, like, done. That's when I was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what else is illegal? Having sex in an airplane bathroom. You know what else people do? They do that. It's called the Mile Club.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. We got to get this back on track, Joe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't masturbate in your car, brother.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know what to do.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we're gonna get back on track. This was as gareth as a pitch as we've had since Parmesan the floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? It's just a little. It's called carjacking. It's the healthier version of carjacking.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got the Mile High Club. This is called the Mile Away.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, hey, G man. Legally, we cannot pitch for people to masturbate in their cars near.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, 100. So just. That's elite. I don't even know where to look anymore. Apparently, my camera eyeline's off. Do not do that. Yeah, okay. Thank you.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

One thing we're never gonna say to anybody on this show is masturbate in public.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And I think what Jake's saying now,

[Jake Johnson]

Gary Garrett, I'm not talking to you as a guy who loves you at a friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 100.

[Jake Johnson]

We're never gonna pitch to masturbate in public. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

100. 100. Your car, to me, is a public 100. I mean, I drive across the country, so you understand I have a little bias. I eat in the car. Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying. I understand what you're saying. I got a couch in the back of a man.

[Jake Johnson]

Your. Those weird little sun things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, go ahead, Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

You got a little. Masturbating a mobile Masturbating box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on. Are we moving on or are we digging deeper? Cuz you were moving on and now you're digging. Do you want to know more? Yeah, well, I don't want to tell you more because apparently I've been breaking the law.

[Jake Johnson]

A real question. No Bit, when was the last time you masturbated? No, this is for Gareth. I'm sorry, Joe G. No jokey voice. Real question to you. When was the last time you masturbated in a car?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never. If you lie, Gareth, I'll get on a lie detector. Never.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. We should do a lie detector test.

[Maria]

Okay, Joe, back to you.

[Jake Johnson]

I masturbated on a freight train when I was 19. I used to hop freight trains and I was so cold, I masturbated. Yeah, me and this guy Joe, we

[Gareth Reynolds]

were a trash can with newspapers in it.

[Steve Berg]

We were.

[Jake Johnson]

We hopped on one in Iowa and we were in the p. In between and we both thought we were beat dicks and so cool. And I was so cold. It was the middle of the night. He was like, man, we just drank some wine. Let's sleep. And I'm like, this is the greatest. And I'm like, I'm freezing at that. I need a little bit of warmth. Masturbated. Joe, back to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Natalie.

[Jake Johnson]

Nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're muting on that part.

[Jake Johnson]

She's quitting.

[Steve Berg]

I just got to.

[Maria]

My reaction was, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

This was a different time. This is a different era.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I would relate.

[Jake Johnson]

It literally might have been your body

[Maria]

and go to your dick and you would be colder. It doesn't make any sense, Natalie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's gross. Don't talk like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Natalie, you don't understand the human body. You warm up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Joe, back to you before we're dead. So no masturbating in public. But. But here's what I recommend. Let's. We're talking about the old school. Let's go old school, my man. There used to be an entire industry of magazines. You used to. Back in the day. Joe, how old are you?

[Joe]

32.

[Jake Johnson]

See, you don't know this, but back in the day, you could look at like a JCPenney catalog and it would literally be a lady in a swimsuit. And you'd be like, like, rip and save. That'll do it. We've just been so overexposed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, we have. We've overstimulated.

[Jake Johnson]

Joe, go ahead.

[Joe]

Yeah, So I guess I just. I. Yes. So since I, I, I've been exposed to the websites I don't know that a, A catalog or a JC Pen penny catalog would do it, but I could pick up one from my local bookstore and see if that'll be. That gets me going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you can go look, Joe, you can go buy a nudie mag, no problem. You don't need to go to your local bookstore.

[Joe]

Where do they sell?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, an adult shop. You go to an adult shop, you're gonna walk in there, you're gonna see some stuff that's just gonna probably gonna shock you a little bit, but you're just gonna go right to the magazines and you're just gonna go over there, snag one, and you know it'll be good. I would also say, as you lead up to the event, I have a lot of vasectomy questions. I'll probably say for the doctor, but are you on a pitch count? Are you allowed to. As far as your jacking off, are you allowed to. Are you limiting your whacking off?

[Joe]

So you need to limit it for 48 hours before you give the sample so that you have a very strong sample and it's a false negative.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would widen that window. I would give yourself an eight day lead up. Get the nudie mag, you'll be raring to go. That combination, I think is going to get the cork out of the bottom.

[Jake Johnson]

But Joe, let me pitch you something. Here's what I'd like you to try to do. I want you to Google in the Chicagoland area. You can go on the north side of Chicago, Rogers park, find a million places like this Old world newsstands. But I want you to go in there and have a little bit of fun. I want you to wear a trench coat coat and sunglasses. And when you walk in there, I want you to go like, go to one of these sex shops and buy a bunch of magazines. Like it's the early 1980s and you're buying smut. And this is just. You're doing this on your time. This feels bad. You're a creep, dude. And then you go right from there to the hospital and you're having like your own little weird sexual adventure. And you feel weird about it, but you don't look at these magazines until you get into the room. Then you open the weird brown paper bag and you're like, holy ghost.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you know what I like there, Jake? I like the get it and go. I also don't open them. Do not peruse what you're getting. No, just cover, shop, get five, roll into the vasectomy doctor's Place with a paper bag and then treat yourself.

[Jake Johnson]

I got another one. Joe, here's a wild one. Ask the wife to come with, turn it into you crazy kids. You go, hey, maybe we go in the bathroom. And she goes, you're wild. And you go, I got two kids. She goes, me too. You go, look at us being insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you pitching?

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His wife does the. Yeah, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm talking turn it into a hookup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's by the way, the only way to make a marriage hand job appealing. High stakes.

[Joe]

That. Yeah, that sounds fun. Actually, I like that one.

[Jake Johnson]

And it might be fun for her too. To go like this is insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And you go, you got to sneak into the bathroom together. But it's a hospital. So right before, go like this. Oh, my stomach hurts. And she'll go like this. I'll go like this. You walk in and go, that was a fake ass out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I really like this too. So you go there, you and the wife, you go in, she gets. She recovers the sample. Pretty much.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

It's exciting. And guess what? It would be because here's the reality. You did this together. Yeah. You did this for her, for you guys. For the, as you said, early in the car. Let's get the party started started. So guess what? Let's get the party started. And it's called the let's get the party started festivities. You send her an Evite. There's one person on dance. The rsvp.

[Joe]

It's a really good. That's a really good idea. I might, I. I'm gonna have to convince her to take off for a day, but I think. I think it's well worth it.

[Jake Johnson]

We're talking about half a day, Mike.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or how about this? Take off for a day. After this you go have a nice bite to eat.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go see a movie. The rest of the day is a date.

[Jake Johnson]

And guess what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're going date in reverse. The Siemens, the beginning or Gareth, the

[Jake Johnson]

dates before and you end at 5 o'. Clock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Also love.

[Jake Johnson]

They go to the hospital right before

[Gareth Reynolds]

this glass of wine. Roll into the hospital.

[Jake Johnson]

A little tipsy, but I mean it, Joe, you make it a. Because this I like, is for you guys.

[Joe]

Yes, it's a really good idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

Joe, tell us how you're going to propose this to the old ball and chain.

[Joe]

Yeah, so I. I kind of tried to get some help out of her and have her give me some ideas before I called in. And she was. She didn't actually know that I Looked at that porn. And so I. This is going to be an interesting conversation to start because I. She thought I was a little boy scout. So I think I'm. I'm probably gonna just go out and tell her of, hey, hon, I got a really good idea and let's go to the hospital and see if we can make this work, me and you. Let's make a date out of it. Because we have not had a date day in a while and that's a great idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I refine the pitch a little bit, please? I would add some of the pepper that Jake had in earlier. I think a little bit of like, you know. Look, honestly, honey, I'm gonna be honest with you. The sample part is not really very appealing to me. Me, I do have some anxiety that in the hospital I'm going to be able to perform. But what I was thinking is you and I are. This is for us. So what if we kind of had a day date leading up to the end and when we go into the hospital, we hook up in the bathroom, you help me and we just collect the sample. Kind of old school, a minor hookup, nothing too crazy. And then after that we can go to the car a couple miles away.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, it gets crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, a couple miles away. We can get in the car and go have sex in a, you know, somewhere far away if we want. Everything but the animal.

[Joe]

Two birds with one stone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything but.

[Joe]

I like it. I like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I would add some of the romance.

[Jake Johnson]

You have sex with her in the car. That masturbate. To be honest, I agree. Hey, I don't think that's insane to have sex in a car. I think, I do think it's insane to master.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, me either. But all of a sudden we're starting to say, oh, ok, you know, ejaculating in a car isn't that crazy?

[Jake Johnson]

No, it was someone else masturbating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just saying take, you know, it's interesting, the elements that make it okay

[Jake Johnson]

for some people, the only place to masturbate on something moving is a freight train.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's just a wild piece of merch that we're definitely making.

[Jake Johnson]

Joe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But Joe, I think, what are you

[Jake Johnson]

going to do here, King?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Add in that part. I think that's going to help the pitch.

[Joe]

I think, I think. I like that. I'll have to. I got to figure out the, the timing a little bit and how to make that romantic. They're, they're, they're opening hours or 6am to noon, I think we can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We.

[Joe]

We haven't done a morning date in a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Or the dates after.

[Joe]

We go breakfast. We figure out bowling. Yeah, we do. We do it and go on a nice, nice date.

[Jake Johnson]

And then guess what? You guys are done by the time the kids get home from school. It's like day drinking. You're asleep by 8:00pm well, we, we

[Joe]

normally are asleep by 8:30, so that's perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

I think this could really work. Do you have any interest in sending her a one person Evite?

[Joe]

Yeah, I think that's an amazing idea. I'm gonna do that for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

I think she could have fun at that and go like with the full RSVP on it. And she's like, it's just one person. And it's like, party in the hospital. In the hospital bathroom. Don't bring gifts. I'll provide one. HJ's welcome. She's like, yes. Literally, we wanted to go, you're a real life idiot.

[Joe]

It.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And also this sounds fun.

[Jake Johnson]

And also you are a real life idiot. And you go, you know, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't do this without you. Joe, will you send us, if you do either a text or an Evite, will you send it to us and we'll black out the names?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Joe]

Oh, for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

And then please follow up with us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please follow up. And, and, and before we end the call, let's just be very clear again. The show is not advising anybody to, to masturbate in a car. That's not something we're doing or a freight train. I think, Jake, it's time for you to maybe walk away from what you said a little bit too.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think people should masturbate on freight trains.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go.

[Jake Johnson]

Because guess what? We're on Hulu now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

Who said we've changed since Hulu? You're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right. And by the way, we would call that master freighting.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, pre Hulu masturbating your car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do we care? We're just two guys talking of weird little fake offices.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, then. We're on Hulu now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're on Hulu.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, so masturbating, you invite your wife

[Gareth Reynolds]

to the hospital bathroom to jack you up, you idiot. Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey. Sorry about all this talk. Hey, Natalie, throw a couple jackets on. I'm sure you're freezing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Joe, thanks for the call. Keep us posted.

[Joe]

You got it. Thanks, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, love you so much. Thank you.

[Joe]

Appreciate the help. Fight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I Love you, too.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a fun one.

[Joe]

Awesome.

[Maria]

So frustrating.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's a fair thing to say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was a great one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that was a great one. Here.

[Maria]

Here is another.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm saying we're combined. Very frustrating is actually what this show is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two. Two different versions of very frustrating. I think.

[Jake Johnson]

I think. I think we are both frustrating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, without question. Without question.

[Jake Johnson]

I've been called frustrating so many times, and I find you frustrated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also find you frustrating, but it's great. What a grip. But that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's great. During.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was like, Jesus Christ.

[Maria]

All right, here you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, Natalie. Appreciate you. And we are brought to you by Lisa. Oh, sweet Lisa. The mattress is at. Lisa, huge fan. But listen, it's not about me specifically. Let's talk seasonal stuff. Spring is a reset. So if you're like me, you're trying to reset a bunch of things. Summer's coming. You know what I mean? You were kind of coming out of the hibernation phase. But speaking of hibernation, you still need great sleep. I recently switched to a Leesa hybrid mattress that's part spring, part. Not spring, not spring. The season. This is getting confusing. Spring is in. You get it? But it's a much needed change as well as waking up with soreness. Sometimes, you know, I'd be like, my shoulders hurt and things like that. So I went online and I went to Lisa's website, and I went through and they recommended which. Which mattress I needed. I needed a little more spring in my mattress.

[Jake Johnson]

Each mattress is designed with specific sleep positions and feel preferences in mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When I got the hybrid, the Leesa hybrid mattress, my bed felt way more comfortable. My sleep improved. I fell asleep faster, longer, deeper. But you wake up, you feel rested. But I've been creating a much more peaceful way of sleep and going to bed earlier because I love my mattress. Honestly, people find it strange how early I want to get get into my bed. Now, Leesa isn't just about sleep. It's about impact. They work with local nonprofits to donate thousands of mattresses each year to families in need, with over 43,000 mattresses donated to date. Leesa, what aren't you doing? When do you rest? Leesa mattresses? Because it seems like you're doing a lot. Maybe get on that hybrid mattress that I love so much. Go to Leesa.com for 20% off select mattresses, plus get an extra $50 off with promo code here to help exclusive for our listeners. That's L e e s a.com promo code here to help for 20 off select mattresses plus an extra 50 off.

[Jake Johnson]

So go to Lisa L e s

[Gareth Reynolds]

a.com promo Code here to help support the show. Let them know we sent you after check out Lisa.com promo code here to help for 20 off hybrid mattresses. Just so you have it.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Wayfair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right, Jake. It's way day at wayfair. So from April 25th through the 27th, you could score the best deals in home. You can percent off with free shipping of everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly what you need in your house if you want decor improvements. I. Yeah, I really. When I went on Wayfair, I was like, oh, my goodness. It's everything. It's overwhelming.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what I bought on Wayfair was a robot vacuum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, What's. How is that going?

[Jake Johnson]

It's going good. I had had one before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I got an early version of it. So I keep buying them. I give it a name, and then there's a little remote I control so I can go at my dogs a little bit and I can go at my wife's feet. And then I could pretend that the robot likes me more than her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's interesting. This took a really. What? You said you named it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did we get to.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We all want to know the robot's name. I got a little, like a thing for the end of the bed where I put all the bedding like a grown man should.

[Jake Johnson]

What would you name it? Al Way Day is the sale to shop the best deals in home. We're talking about up to 80 off with fast and free shipping on everything. So head to Wayfair.com April 25th through the 27th to shop Way Day. That's Wayfair. W-A-Y-F-A-I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, go to squarespace.com. this is where it's all happening, guys. I've been working with Squarespace for a long, long time. They just really help you kind of build up your business because it's an all in one website design place. It's a website where you design websites, but it doesn't just help you with websites. It helps you pick the right name. It helps you scale up your business. You could show off what you're doing professionally, get people there, get you paid all in one place. Like I said, I've worked with Squarespace For a long time. I have have so many websites for different things. All Squarespace. We on the show have used Squarespace repeatedly to help people out. We love them, we use them. Can't recommend it enough. Can't imagine going anywhere else.

[Jake Johnson]

So go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Hello.

[Maria]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Could we get your name, please?

[Maria]

Hi, my name is Maria.

[Jake Johnson]

Maria, where are you calling from?

[Maria]

I'm calling from Philly.

[Jake Johnson]

Philly, you're here with Jake Johnson and the great Gareth Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Mariel.

[Maria]

Hey, what's going on?

[Jake Johnson]

So. So, Maria from Philly, what do you got today?

[Maria]

Okay, so my grandma Peggy lived to about 106 years old, and she had a really green thumb. So when she passed in 2023, my mom gifted me her 30 year old African violet. And by the time it got to me, it was in pretty rough shape because my mom had flown with it from Florida to New Jersey and then like, nearly killed it.

[Jake Johnson]

I need you to stop a little bit. What the hell's an African violet? I'm assuming it's a violet from Africa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Must be a nice plant.

[Maria]

I don't even know. I myself do not have a green thumb. Yeah, so I. A little weary to begin with. It's a fancy violet that's incredibly hard to keep alive is basically what I know.

[Jake Johnson]

And. Wait, we're seeing a photo. Okay. Oh, so it's just. Yeah, it's just a regular old plant, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very nice. Sweet flower.

[Maria]

But yeah, they're normally outdoors, not indoors. My grandma lived in Pensacola, Florida.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So these are. These are tropical type flowers. They need a lot of that sun. They don't want to live in icy Philly in February.

[Maria]

Correct.

[Jake Johnson]

So Peggy dies and she says, I want Maria to have the flower.

[Maria]

Well, here's the thing. I'm not sure who said that I should have the flower. I have a feeling it wasn't Peggy. She's pretty particular. And I'm not great with plants. Well, I'm good with plants. I'm not good with flowers. And I think my mom confused that, so I think she suggested I get this violet.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's a 30 year old plant.

[Maria]

Yeah. She has kept it alive for 30 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is impressive.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Before we get into the question, what is the care of this African violet?

[Maria]

So you're supposed to water it from the bottom and water it from the bottom.

[Jake Johnson]

You have a little saucer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Maria]

And it's. It doesn't want a ton of light, but it wants daily light. Filtered light. Yeah, she's dramatic. And I've been watering it from the bottom, but. But it was really not doing too great. So I was like, I'm just going to give her a little water from the top. And that's kind of where it all went downhill.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, keep going.

[Maria]

Yeah. So we've had some ups and downs. At one point, I even brought her to somebody to revive her.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you killed the son of a bitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's dead. It's dead. The tent is giving you away. But you took it to. You took it to the plant er.

[Jake Johnson]

You killed the son of a bitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

100% dead. No doubt. You took it to. You took it to the er. Someone tried. It was too late. You killed it. You wanted from the top. You ignored the cardinal rule.

[Jake Johnson]

You murdered it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You killed it.

[Maria]

I think I've killed my grandma's place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. Good for you. All right. All right, Maria. So is this just confession or is there something you want?

[Maria]

Okay, so, wow. My question is, do I tell my mom the truth? Do I fess up or do I buy a new.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Looking at the death.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

What is that weird mannequin you have behind it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Looking at a picture, it's a baby little African violet. And then whatever the hell's behind it looks like a magnetic mannequin torso.

[Maria]

That's a dress form. That's Bertha. I turned it into a lamp.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

This feels like you that your Peggy sent this violet to Silence of the Lamps. He was tortured to death.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you put it in a little hole and throw food at it down there?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maria, try to lotion from the bottom.

[Maria]

It was not the best choice for the caregiver. I. I will admit that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And how long did you have this flower? Until you murdered it.

[Maria]

Okay, so it was like since April of 2023. Well, that's when my mom got it. And then. Yeah, so probably since like September of 2023.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you had it for three years before you killed. Killed it.

[Maria]

Yeah, we.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's better than I thought.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it tough to hear Jake say murder and killed so much?

[Maria]

Maria, listen, I felt the same way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Maria, let me ask you another question that only matters because of. For me as, you know, a 47 year old man. But what's your age?

[Maria]

I am 37.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So I. I think that matters a little bit to me. Me. Because if you were 24. I would have a different tone, but you murdered.

[Maria]

Less forgiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're too busy drinking Natty Lights.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I'd be like. And also, this is on your mom. Why would she give this to you?

[Maria]

Okay. Right. Okay. I feel like I was set up for failure, and I think she knew that.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting. She wanted you to kill her mom. Mom's flower. So she didn't have to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think it's that?

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what. Here's my pitch to you, Maria. I want you to call your mom out and go. You listen to me. I know what you did. You wanted me to off the flower because you didn't want blood on your hands. Let me tell you this. Blood's on both our hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a crazy call to make, considering we haven't heard the problem yet.

[Jake Johnson]

You know that I didn't, but you're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let's. Let's.

[Jake Johnson]

What can we help you with today? Right?

[Maria]

We. Well, the problem is, do. Do I tell my mom the truth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake already solved it. You got it?

[Maria]

Yeah, perhaps.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I think.

[Maria]

Do I replace it with a fake?

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, you can't replace this with a fake. No, this is an African violent problem

[Gareth Reynolds]

is going to be there. You don't know how to take care of this thing. If you did the highest stakes version, you. You killed.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but she's talking about. Then does she go, like, I just want to hand it back to you. And she goes, goes, this isn't an African violet. This is a target violet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is wires.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, this is something. You got paper there a Philly violet?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Maria.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me ask you a real question. What is your mother's relationship with her mother, Peggy?

[Maria]

They were close. They were pretty close. Yep. They. They did like the regular phone calls. We are, you know, a family that doesn't tell everybody everything. So she did keep some secrets from my grandma.

[Jake Johnson]

What kind of secrets did she keep?

[Maria]

Okay, so my brother passed away, and it's cool. We've. It's fine. We. We've moved on. However, my mother was convinced that telling Peggy would kill her, so we weren't allowed to tell Peggy.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. So let me just tell you right now. Maria, find a lie to your mom about the flower.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Jake Johnson]

Take the guilt off. There was a. She lied to her mother about her son. You're talking about an African violet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Heaven.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, don't even feel bad. Take this one to the grave. Your mom goes, how's the flower? You go Healthier than ever. You gotta water from the bottom.

[Maria]

A.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, a hundred percent. This is going back to the premise of this pitch. We're in a bar. I'm going like this after you just told me that thing about your brother. I go, what are you talking about? And I go to the bartender, get her a drink on me. And also lie forever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You nuts?

[Maria]

Yeah, of course.

[Jake Johnson]

Lie. Not only that.

[Maria]

Kind of what I was hoping to hear.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Maria, say this. Hey, you know what I would do? Have fun with the lie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? That's what I was just gonna say. Why don't you give it the version of like we took the dog to a farm where it can go run around and play and be free. Yeah. Crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

I planted it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I found someone who loved African violets. It's in a greenhouse surrounded by other ones. Apparently it's thriving. It's never been making friggin babies. It's making. It's. It's fruiting. We didn't know they gave fruit. There's a special berry apparent, apparently.

[Jake Johnson]

But the berries. Disgusted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So that's why it's out of our life.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but what I would honestly say is. Mom, I'll go. Mom. I gotta just tell you the joy that I'm having with this. I've never felt closer to Peggy. This thing.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what it is? You water from the bottom. It's finicky, but it's love. And Philly. And then I did another thing, Mom. I took one of the little seeds up it. I gave it to my friend Steve Berg. He's a real green thumb. He'd eat anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy basically eats dirt.

[Jake Johnson]

And he's growing them out in Omaha. Now, Mom. Your mom would love it right now. He just said, yeah, they got about a hundred little African violets. They're spreading like weeds out there.

[Maria]

I like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do too. Because I. I think if you're comfortable with it, what Jake's pitching is like, you get away with your first issue, plus some catharsis, you get some makeup lies that are kind of just. This deserves that karmic ability to embellish here.

[Jake Johnson]

This deserves that.

[Maria]

I like this a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Karmic embellishment. What do you think of that?

[Maria]

Peggy deserves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. But what do you think of that? What do you think of Jake's pitch? I mean, I think that's pretty good. We can, can. We can add on to it if need be, but that's pretty good to be like. It's almost like spreading ashes. It's like You've taken Peggy to a bunch of other places and she's now franchised.

[Jake Johnson]

And now what you're saying to Peggy, also spiritually, sorry we lied to you.

[Maria]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I got my revenge on mom though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love it.

[Maria]

And you know, and I think too,

[Jake Johnson]

yeah, mom would have. Might have been right about you, Peggy. It might have been too much to handle with which there's a lot of truth to that emotionally. That might have just been too much for old Pegster. It'd be too much for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But guess what? You got lied to. And now Peggy, say a little prayer to her and go, let's get her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ugh.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's heighten this one, Peg. And go. And if your mom ever goes, you know, you lied to me. You go, I did. And go. Does my brother ring a bell? You maniac.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, there was that show the ghost whisper. Jake's the ghost fibrillar. Jake is. I really think that there. That is like the perfect solve. You're just gonna tell a tall tale for years of spirit revenge.

[Jake Johnson]

For years. And when you do get you off the hook, I want you to think of Peggy and give her, give her a little smile.

[Maria]

Absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Maria, every, every few months you add on another state. Of course. I guess Steve Berg took it to Wyoming. Filming thing is going crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

But let's do this. Let's. Let's hear. I want you to play both characters mirror. Will you do you and your mom. Okay, don't worry about being funny. Just try to actually how your mom sounds. You know how to do your mom. And just how this conversation could actually go down.

[Maria]

Okay. Okay. Be like, hey, re just calling to check in. How's Peggy's violet doing? And I'm going to say, oh, I completely forgot to tell you. I met this guy named Steve Bird and he was like an African violet enthusiast and he asked if he could take Peggy's violet on the road and kind of like spread its seeds in as many states as he can get to. He really wants to like propagate this 30 year old violet because it's like, you know, an heirloom and spread it as far as he can in America. It's like kind of something he does with like really rare plants.

[Jake Johnson]

Incredible. How did she goes, How'd you find Steve Bird?

[Maria]

He was on one of the job sites and we just got to talking about plants.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God. So good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maria, can I add a little more? Just. It's great. Why don't we say Steve Bird is kind of a nature enthusiast. That's why they call him Steve Bird. And so he saw this and he really enjoyed doing something like this as well as.

[Jake Johnson]

Because the funny fact that's really under known. The African violet was originally a North American violet pilot that was brought to Africa, but it's actually native to here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I.

[Maria]

We're gonna pull a Mormon Jesus over here, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're. We're.

[Jake Johnson]

Now we're making up lies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a. But we're lying. We're lying personally. Ungoogleable. Now we're moving to like, you got conned. You gave Peggy's African violet to some weird liar.

[Jake Johnson]

No. You say this. It's not well known.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, he. He's a conspir.

[Jake Johnson]

Google does it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a plant conspiracist.

[Jake Johnson]

He's the guy.

[Maria]

He's the guy. Seem less reputable.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't do this. Earlier today, Gareth gave a pitch to a guy to masturbate in his car near a sperm bank.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And if you believe it or not, Jake was opposed to it even though he jacked off on a train once when he was drunk with a friend. But Maria, what we're trying to say, I think it's. I think the. What you just pitched is perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The way that you kind of handled that conversation, I wouldn't be afraid to say, look, this guy's last name is Bird. He's a nature guy. And every six months, if it comes up, you say, oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. It's in Hawaii now. It's crushing. Peggy is everywhere. Mom. And so what Jake said the reason you're doing this is because you and Peggy just teamed up to get a little bit of fun revenge on your mom while getting you off the hook.

[Maria]

I love this. And not to mention my brother Dave, because he would also really love this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is the three of you.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what you could do rather than Steve Bird. Dave Bird.

[Maria]

Oh, Dave Bird. This is perfect. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What's. I've got a question for your grandmother. Peggy. What's something about another thing besides Peggy? Did she have a nickname? Did. Where is she from in Florida? How can we name this? So it's right under your mom's nose and she's totally gonna miss it. So, like, okay, something that is your brother and your grandmother combined is the nature enthusiast.

[Maria]

I love that. Well, her first name is actually Margaret. Everybody calls her Peggy. She's in Pensacola or was in Pensacola.

[Jake Johnson]

Dave. Pensacola.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave Cole.

[Maria]

Margaret.

[Jake Johnson]

Dave. Margaret. Dave. Margaret's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. That's how you could say that you. When you saw that that was the combination, that was sort of. That made you feel right about it. Don't you?

[Jake Johnson]

Don't do that. That's a terrible idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

That's as bad as mine doing the weird thing about lying about Google. Well, I'm just saying, clothes kind of thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. She's in the car. The motor started. Why am I saying, hey, we got another model.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this for Pensacola, Florida? PF Dave. Margaret. Like P. Changs or.

[Maria]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Or about PF Chang.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. Go ahead. Maria.

[Maria]

Next. I was thinking Kowski was her last name. Her maiden name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Too specific.

[Maria]

Is that too specific?

[Jake Johnson]

It's impossible to get away from that one.

[Maria]

Cohen. Cohen was her. Nate. My mom's maiden name.

[Jake Johnson]

Your mom's gonna go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, we needed something that your mom doesn't know.

[Jake Johnson]

What was. What was Peggy's favorite food?

[Maria]

Fried chicken.

[Jake Johnson]

Dave. Chicken. Oh, wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about Sanders?

[Jake Johnson]

Colonel Dave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Colonel Dave.

[Maria]

Colonel Dave. Colonel Dave the flower guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Colonel Dave the flower guy.

[Maria]

I like it.

[Jake Johnson]

I do, too. Because then you go like, it's really fun. Colonel Dave. Oh, my God, he's such a character. But he's a real flower guy guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

He. He. Yeah. The only thing is, he lied to me and said that it was originally an American Violet, which was stupid. I googled it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But again, I don't know why you'd get that in there.

[Jake Johnson]

And then also G said masturbating a car too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

[Jake Johnson]

And that was the craziest I've heard since Parmesan cheese. He literally told a man who he should masturbate in a car near a hospital.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At least people can't show up with something for me to sign on that. That one.

[Jake Johnson]

They will. They'll figure it out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Maria, what do you think? Where you at here?

[Maria]

I think we. I think we nailed it. I think Colonel Dave is the perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

Colonel Dave is great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Colonel Dave.

[Jake Johnson]

She'll never do the math.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On that note.

[Maria]

No. And I don't really think she knows how to Google, so I think we're good there.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we're fine, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't mean we go back to what

[Jake Johnson]

Jake was saying really fast. Marie area. You happy with this?

[Maria]

I am very happy.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Maria]

I really love the idea of spreading Peggy's.

[Jake Johnson]

I do, too.

[Maria]

In a sense.

[Jake Johnson]

I think this is a big win. I'd love you to follow up with us. But before we go, people bring in. Please don't interrupt. Gareth. People bring Parmesan cheese to Garrison make him sign it. But he just said. Because he said earlier there was a call about somebody who needs to masturbate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we heard. We heard.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't interrupt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We remember that part.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's not turn this into a loud argument at the end. Can I ask her a question?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we gonna bring up. Okay, maybe I should start freight trains?

[Jake Johnson]

Never mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

No. So he said, thank you, Maria, not Gareth. So the caller before was, they need to masturbate because. At a hospital. Because they need to give sperm to see if they. Their vasectomy worked. So we were talking about ways to do it. And Gareth goes, oh, go in your car and put, like, weird shades down and just masturbate in your car. And Natalie said, that's illegal. So that he just said, now. Well, at least people won't be signing anything like that at one of my shows. What do you think people could bring him that he would have to sign? That would be embarrassing. That would connect to this. Like a sun shield, maybe that said, like, masturbator inside or like, quiet masturbating in here.

[Maria]

You know that sticker that. That like. Of the guy smoking the cigar with the hat? Yes, something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. That's interesting.

[Maria]

Window.

[Jake Johnson]

So if anybody can think of what to bring Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could be a sample cup, could be a van Key.

[Jake Johnson]

Sample cup is pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sample cups.

[Jake Johnson]

Sample cup might be it. And then Gareth will sign it every single time. Don't masturbate in your car, Gareth Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, and if you want to, just put some Parmesan in the sample cup.

[Jake Johnson]

Parking tickets. Great. Maria, thank you for the call. Follow up with us, please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, Maria. Good luck. Got it. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Maria]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, why. That worked. There was. Because you were gonna walk away from saying it, so I had to shut up.

[Jake Johnson]

Sweet Jesse here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This next call is a follow up from episode 267, Bad Girl of Trader Jo with Kyle Mooney. Hello?

[Maria]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Can we get your name, please?

[Maria]

Yes, this is Joanna. I'm calling from Chicago. I was on the episode with Kyle Mooney.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, and what was the first call? Just remind us.

[Maria]

Yeah, so I called in initially about having ghosted Trader Joe's after being offered a job there. And ever since, yeah, I was, like, having awkward run ins with the staff who'd interviewed me every time I went back to shop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pitch crazy on this one.

[Maria]

Yeah, yeah. There.

[Jake Johnson]

We got excited because Kyle was there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kyle. We were having fun. Who wouldn't? And then. Okay, I remember very clear. So, Joanna, what did we. What did we say? What. What was our Advice. What was our pitch, and what did you go with?

[Maria]

So the ultimate pitch that I ended up deciding to go with was kind of committing to a bit of sorts, like acting as if I accepted a job in Jewel Osco instead. By getting, like, a uniform across the street. Yes, exactly. And wearing it.

[Jake Johnson]

Joanna, do we have photos of you in the Jewel Osco outfit?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I hope better.

[Maria]

Yes, I sent a lot of pictures in.

[Jake Johnson]

So, first of all, the pitch was, to be very clear to anybody who didn't listen to the first one, you got offered a job at Trader Joe's. You ghosted them, but you still need to go to the Trader Joe's. So you said, how do I deal with the awkwardness when I see the people? And the pitch came that you dress like you took a job at Jewel Osco and you wear Jewel Osco clothes. That's a rival grocery store. Very Chicago specific.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So basically saying to Trader Joe's, I got hired across the street, maybe, but also, I'm crazy and I'm still shopping.

[Jake Johnson]

And so, Joanna, let's see the photos and then tell us what happened.

[Maria]

Okay, awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

So we've got a photo of you in a Jewel Osco shirt, and you're in the bathroom, and you've got the name tag.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very convincing.

[Maria]

Right? I even looked up, like, what pants they're allowed to wear with the uniform, everything. So I did my research. I found, like, what the current uniforms look like, and I went online and found some on, like, Depop, if you know what that is. It's like a thrift store online, basically.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Incredible play. All right, can we see the next photo?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Next one is an action shot. It sort of looks like. Now is this. This is kind of just below your face if we see the name tag. Are you in the Trader Joe's here?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. I can tell by the mural.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought so.

[Jake Johnson]

The mural, by the way, beautiful shot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By putting the action shot. Oh, we've got cart POV back on Joanna. So we're still seeing the cart.

[Maria]

Her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's shopping. And by the way, the jacket was open just enough to show that she is a Jewel Oscar winner.

[Jake Johnson]

You're. You're an all star for doing this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Maria]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Maria]

I did take the jacket fully off at one point, too, so that you could see the stitching on the side of the sleeve.

[Jake Johnson]

Incredible. All right, Joanna, what happened?

[Maria]

So, basically, I. That was my first time going back, like, wearing it and everything. And while I was walking around, I did see a couple of the people who were, like, part of the interviews that I was in, and when I saw them, like, before, we just kind of had, like, shifty, awkward eye contact or whatever, but they definitely, like, clocked the uniform and the name tag, looked down at it, and then kind of smiled at me. So I was like, okay, maybe things are friendly now. Like, I felt better after that interaction, even if they think I'm really weird. Like, I felt more comfortable knowing that they, like, have an idea of why I might of not ever responding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting.

[Maria]

Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, Can I just say, this is. This Joanna is doing. Exactly. This is what this is. We give you the walking orders, and then you go out and bring it to a new level, crush it, and it gives you the sense of security. And this is what it's all about.

[Jake Johnson]

This is what the. This is what the show is all about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Without question.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And going out there, committing to the bit, which is funny, but also.

[Jake Johnson]

But it also works. Works. This is the system now. They go, oh, you know that girl? Yeah. She worked at Julesco. And one of them goes, her. What a stupid decision. And you go, fine. Guess what? It's now not weird, and you don't

[Gareth Reynolds]

have to wear it over and over again. I kind of like the idea. You do, though.

[Jake Johnson]

I would also, by the way, you got a Halloween cover costume.

[Maria]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a flattering look. I would rock that a lot. You're a Jewel Osco girl.

[Maria]

Yep. It's a perfect Halloween costume. And I have, like, the red one. I have a gray one. I was thinking of, like, wearing the red one sometime because it's just so bright and, like, Valentine's Day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wear it now.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go shopping tomorrow.

[Maria]

Exactly. It's on them.

[Jake Johnson]

But by the way, what I would actually do is I would wear that for the next few times to really, really drill at home.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, you just go to Trader Joe's after you finish working because you're also complimenting them. You're saying I took a job there because I got paid more. But I do shop here after work at Jewel Osco.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I make another pitch, Jake? And this. We're happy. I'm. I'm happy.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a bell ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's all right.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My arm hurts from ringing it so hard. Maybe we do this for a few months. Stop. Maybe we do this for a few months.

[Maria]

Months.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then maybe we start. Maybe we throw on, like, a Lowe's outfit. You've changed places. Maybe a Home Depot. April.

[Jake Johnson]

Crazy. Something we don't need her to be. Every three months, she works at a New corporate chain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Might be fun.

[Jake Johnson]

She's a manager at Jewel Osco. We've won. Let's not go insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's have some fun.

[Jake Johnson]

Every three months she's in a new. All of a sudden she works at Toys R Us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You hate that.

[Maria]

There's a Walgreens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a what across the street? Joanna. That sounds like a fun place to fake work.

[Jake Johnson]

Joann, let's get you in a goddamn Walgreens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on. August is Walgreens. You leave.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this? Every single time you go in there, you're wearing a different corporate uniform.

[Maria]

How about this?

[Joe]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's create a bridge.

[Jake Johnson]

You're just insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One day you go in there, you're Jewel Osco. And let's do some running mascara down your eyes. And maybe the Jewel Osco shirts ripped a little bit. Two weeks later.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no, not ripped. Not ripped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A little ripped. And then. And then two weeks.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes to the cry. Not to ripped. She didn't get beat up?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, she didn't get bit. But she fought another employee.

[Jake Johnson]

It's an insane pitch. The beginning is wonderful. We do raccoon eyes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You walk in there and you go, like anybody else feeling blue because they just got fired for being a perfect employee. And then you go in the next day with champagne. You got a Walgreens outfit. Way cleaner pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And by the way, hey, I'm just happy we got somewhere nice. I think that's lovely.

[Jake Johnson]

Joanna, don't do any of that. You've already won. But I am getting some of that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

I am going to pitch right up. Outfit.

[Maria]

Okay, so wear the red one. Yeah, I. I was thinking of doing that anyways next time, so.

[Jake Johnson]

And do us a favor. Let's push it a little bit. Will you take a video of yourself in the red outfit pretending to be on a call as you walk by? So, like, you're touching your ear so it's like. And then say as you walk by the thing, I just worked two doubles, and you go, fine, yes, I can work this weekend, but I'm not doing the deli department.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, I just want to point out that Walgreens employees do wear red. So, you know, it's not crazy. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Best Buy's gotta call you be on the geek squad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't hate that either. I don't know if you're having fun, but I'm loving what you're doing.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Joanna, will you really just see if you can heighten it without laugh? If you laugh, you could ruin the Whole thing. But if you happen to. If you happen to be able to do a little video and we'll put it at the end of the episode if we get it. If not, then we all know it didn't work. But just a little video of you walking by that area where they are. We don't need to see them. Where we just hear you pretending to talk on the phone to your manager, Joel Osco. They're working you to the bone. And no, you can't come in right now. You're currently grocery shopping.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just work Trader Joe's, mind you.

[Maria]

Yeah. And exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, you got. You have been in the deli department three days in a row. You smell like honey baked ham. You need a day off. So, Joanna, give us a taste of what you think you're gonna do. Don't worry about my dialogue. That was just a pitch. This is a viewer. Like, curb your enthusiasm. You got the beat sheet, but you're allowed to improvise.

[Maria]

Well, I think that it would be helpful to have someone come with me and maybe try to, like, film discreetly so I could, like, hold my phone up to my ear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a pitch on that.

[Jake Johnson]

Why don't you just gonna do it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, why don't you just put it. Why don't you put it like you had in the cart before? 4 facing. You hold the airpod on your ear and you're just talking to the airpod.

[Jake Johnson]

But Jia, if she's got a friend

[Gareth Reynolds]

who could do it, don't hate that at all neither. I don't hate it.

[Maria]

I could try either. I can try both. I can do a couple of calls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Maria]

But yeah. So you're saying, like, when I'm passing by some of the people that I recognize from the interview.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yes, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Maria]

Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So let's just hear what that phone call is going to sound like coming from you. Just to make sure where not leading you into murky waters.

[Maria]

Okay. I think it would be something like, listen, I'm just. I'm beat from the last few days. I can't make it in for another shift tonight. I just smell like jewel meats. I need to get this stench off me. I'm trying to provide for my family right now. Go shopping. And I just. I just can't make it back in.

[Jake Johnson]

This is perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Guess what? Nail in the coffin they go. She's a hardworking woman. They're her in the jelly. The deli department. She's screwed. Rude. She should have taken this job. Now we feel bad for her.

[Maria]

Yep, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

And guess what? You know what?

[Joe]

I won't.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? I wouldn't hate Joanna Raccoon eyes with your mascara because you made a big mistake.

[Maria]

I did, and I know it.

[Jake Johnson]

You know it, Jules. A disaster, this story.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And just so they go. And here's what we want from the people who work in there. She's a sweet gal, but she up.

[Joe]

Well, then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, again, I want to get off the call, Jake. But then it does open me up to. For as long as she. Why not create the story? So then she. She's down in the dumps. She burned the Jewel Bridge, but two months later, she's married a millionaire. She's got diamonds on her phone.

[Jake Johnson]

Later, she's working. She's working at Walgreens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Joanna, congratulations on a wonderful job, but what are you going to do? What are you going to actually do next? If anything, you could also say, hey, guys, I won, and I'm happy with the win, but we want to hear from you.

[Maria]

Yeah, no, I think I'm. I'm definitely happy with what's happened so far, but I'm kind of right now, like, with this bit, and I'm excited to continue doing it. And I had fun when I went the first time, so I think I want to keep playing into it.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that makes a lot of sense.

[Maria]

Do the red polo next. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Then follow up with us.

[Maria]

Will do.

[Jake Johnson]

Because let me. Let me actually say something to the audience, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me get on my soapbox.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go.

[Jake Johnson]

The line of this show, is this problem serious to the caller? We take it seriously, but we don't mind when the caller has fun with the bit, too. We're going after a solution, but it's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We love it.

[Jake Johnson]

It's meant for comedy. If they want to heighten a little bit, too, great. As long as the problem's real and you're really trying it. Worth it.

[Maria]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yo. When we first started doing this, there were a couple times where we were like, look, divorce is hard. And we were like, no, not us. No.

[Jake Johnson]

Joanna, thank you for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Joanna. Way to go. You too. Talk to

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our patreon [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a Hitgum podcast. That was a Hitgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Steve Berg]

Sterling K. Brown.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[Jake Johnson]

This is us.

[Steve Berg]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in EP with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Steve Berg]

Are we going to cry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we going to laugh a lot?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was Us on your

[Steve Berg]

favorite podcast app or watch full video

[Jake Johnson]

episodes on YouTube or Spotify.

[Steve Berg]

New episodes every Tuesday.