281: 7 Out Of 11 & Sh*t Where You Eat (with Zoe Lister-Jones)

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help, Ep. 281: "7 Out of 11 & Sh*t Where You Eat" (with Zoe Lister-Jones)

Date: April 15, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Zoe Lister-Jones

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Episode Overview

This episode features actor, writer, and director Zoe Lister-Jones as the special guest. The episode follows the usual "We're Here to Help" format: the hosts and guest field live calls from listeners seeking advice on their real-life conundrums—ranging, this week, from international travel packing disputes to shared bathroom etiquette disasters. The discussion is peppered with improvisational humor, inside Hollywood anecdotes, and the show’s signature mix of warmth and outrageousness. The episode stands out for its sharp banter, a memorable takedown of Rick Steves’ travel advice, and a jaw-dropping bathroom-condiment dilemma.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Zoe Lister-Jones' Creative Journey (00:35–07:02)

• Hollywood Career & Creative Control:
  Zoe discusses her varied work in Hollywood—from sitcoms ("Life in Pieces") to indie films, writing her one-woman show, and now developing her own projects as a showrunner and director. She highlights the value of self-creation for artistic satisfaction and notes that "the more cooks in the kitchen, the vision got kind of compromised" (03:04).
• Anecdote: Carol Burnett Memoir Adaptation
  Zoe shares excitement over adapting Carol Burnett’s memoir into a film, with Alison Janney attached to star: “I've gotten to hang with Ms. Burnett...she's a joy.” (05:49–06:44)
• Carol’s Cosmo Card:
  Zoe describes Burnett's charming move of handing out personalized cocktail recipe cards at restaurants—a “cool way to do fame” (06:25–06:44).

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2. Call #1: The Duffel Bag Debacle – Parental Packing for Europe (14:12–32:42)

• The Dilemma:
  Deirdre from Chicago calls in: Her father insists on packing only a duffel bag and just 7 pairs of underpants for an 11-day Europe trip, citing Rick Steves as inspiration. Deirdre is exasperated, especially for her mother, who will bear the brunt of impractical packing.

Key Conversation Threads:

• Numbers Don’t Add Up:
  “Why is he pitching 7 undies for an 11 day trip?” (18:28). Everyone is baffled—Zoe puts it plainly: "I'm bringing 12 to 13, just in case" (19:07).
• Comic Dismantling of Rick Steves:
  A running riff eviscerates Rick Steves’ less-is-more travel advice, blaming him for misleading an entire generation of travelers.
  • Quote, Gareth: "The amount of damage Rick Steves has done to old people traveling, we will never know. It's incalculable." (18:22)
• Scheming a Solution:
  The team devises a plot to create a fake Rick Steves update, suggesting duffel bags are no longer suitable for Europe due to climate or laundry crises. This would be sneakily delivered via a third party (not Deirdre).
• Personalization to Dad’s Situation:
  They suggest leveraging Dad’s health (multiple heart stents)–emphasizing on comfort and rolling luggage. Jake jokes about a color-coded travel age chart for luggage types (29:52).
• Call Resolution:
  Deirdre is tasked to implement the fake “Rick Steves Addendum” plot via a family member and promises to follow up.

Memorable Moment:

• Quote, Zoe (about Dad): "I feel that dad is creating problems just to create problems." (20:38)

Timestamps:

• Introduce Deirdre & the case: 14:12–14:54
• Underpants math and Rick Steves debate: 17:24–23:03
• Fake Rick Steves solution brainstorming: 24:04–30:37
• Conclusion & action plan: 31:37–32:42

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3. Call #2: Condiments in the Bathroom – Where Do We Draw the Line? (32:52–64:22)

• The Dilemma:
  Susan from South Florida discovers her boyfriend has a habit of eating (not pooping) in the bathroom—often on the closed toilet seat, with the shower running, enjoying late-night pretzel dogs or sandwiches with the required mustard or hot sauce. She wants to draw a boundary, at least banning condiments from the bathroom.

Key Conversation Threads:

• Universal Disgust:
  The hosts and Zoe are appalled, quickly agreeing this behavior is beyond the pale.
  • Quote, Zoe: "Just taking a dump while the shower's steaming disgusts me wholeheartedly." (38:57)
  • Susan clarifies: "He's not using the bathroom. He's just sitting on the toilet lid and eating. He's not shitting while he's eating." (39:09)
• Boundary-Setting Strategy:
  Zoe firmly advocates for explicit boundaries: "You have to set very firm boundaries about what's acceptable behavior and what is not… especially, you know, an animal like Jake, you...have to set very firm boundaries..." (39:58)
• Creative Solutions & Escalations:
  • Gareth jokes about buying separate toilet condiments or chaining condiments to the fridge “bank pen”–style (49:37–50:22).
  • Jake proposes a more direct solution: if any condiments are found in the bathroom, throw them out: "If there is condiments in the bathroom, they belong in the trash." (61:43)
  • Zoe points out Susan's ultra-tolerance: “The fact that you let this go on for as long as you have is outrageous.” (48:28)
• Live Roleplay of the Tough Conversation:
  Jake and Zoe act out a scenario, helping Susan find language for a hard conversation. Zoe improvises as the resistant boyfriend, pushing Susan to take a firmer stand:
  • Susan: “…can you respect [my preference]?”
  • Zoe: “I'll try my best, baby.”
  • Susan (now firm): “If I find condiments in the bathroom, just know that there will be serious repercussions.” (61:24)

Notable Quotes and Moments:

• Gareth: "Rooms are separated for activities on a base of civilization." (41:17)
• Jake: "Humans went like this—it smells bad in there!” (41:17)
• Zoe: "[The condiments] can't even cross the threshold" (48:05)
• Zoe: “I think women are in terrible trouble. The way you have to adjust your life to bank, chain your own condiments to the inside of your fridge in order to enable..." (52:56)

Timestamps:

• Introduce Susan, mustard-on-sink story: 32:52–35:07
• Discovery and escalation of eating-in-bathroom habit: 35:08–39:35
• Group’s horror and strategy brainstorm: 39:36–51:27
• Play-acting the confrontation & final advice: 55:12–62:22

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Notable Quotes & Humorous Moments

• On Hollywood Self-Creation:
  • Zoe: “I learned early that if I created my own stuff, I would feel very fulfilled.” (03:05)
• On Carol Burnett and Fame:
  • Jake: "That's a pretty cool way to do fame." (06:44)
• On Rick Steves:
  • Gareth: “Rick Steves is just some dork who travels with a film crew and acts like he's out there, you know, really going at the elements. ...If I saw Rick Steves in public, I would sh— you." (22:21)
• On the Toilet-Condiment Crisis:
  • Jake: “If you want to eat a burrito and have that air in your food, you do you, king. But...I don't want that jar opened up in here. Does that make sense, my king?” (54:14)
  • Zoe: “I think once you move in with someone...you have to set very firm boundaries about what's acceptable behavior and what is not.” (39:58)
  • Jake: "If it's in [the bathroom] again, throw it the f— out in the bathroom garbage.” (61:43)

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Episode Highlights & Memorable Segments

• Fake Rick Steves Advice Plot: (24:04–30:37)
  The gang crafts an elaborate plan to trick Deirdre's stubborn dad, including a color-coded luggage chart for ages, bootlegged “official” Rick Steves updates, and allusions to climate and laundry crises.
• Bathroom Eating Roleplay: (55:12–61:24)
  Zoe’s deadpan as the mustard-loving boyfriend is both unsettlingly convincing and hilarious, while Susan’s polite persistence wins praise.
• Universal Human Standards:
  The team reflects on the ancient wisdom of “Don’t sh*t where you eat”—transcending even the best comedic riffing and underlining the human need for boundaries.

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Takeaways

• Hollywood Insider: Zoe Lister-Jones provides earnest, inspiring insight into the creative process, the importance of self-initiation, and healthy ways to handle creative compromise.
• Setting Boundaries: Whether with a headstrong parent or a night-snacking, condiment-hoarding partner, setting clear, non-negotiable boundaries is the recurring advice.
• Humor Heals: No matter the subject, the “We’re Here to Help” team shows humor and camaraderie make even the most bizarre dilemmas approachable.

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Timestamps Quick Reference

• 00:35–07:02: Zoe's Hollywood path, project discussion, Carol Burnett stories
• 14:12–32:42: Caller Deirdre – packing for Europe, anti-duffel campaign
• 32:52–64:22: Caller Susan – boyfriend's toilet-condiment crisis, boundary strategies
• Throughout: Memorable quips, banter, and mutual amazement at the weirdness of callers’ lives

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Recommended for:
Fans of comedic advice shows, Hollywood inside stories, or anyone needing a reminder that, no matter your dilemma, you're probably not the only one grappling with human absurdity.

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“Honestly, Susan, the fact that you let this go on for as long as you have is outrageous.”
—Zoe Lister-Jones (48:28)

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

And we are back. We have a great guest, Zoe Lister Jones. Zoe, really quickly, what's the name of the show you're doing on Peacock?

[A]

Miniature Wife.

[B]

When does that baby come out?

[A]

It comes out April 9th and you

[B]

are doing it with Elizabeth banks and Matthew McFadden.

[A]

Is that the Succession fame?

[B]

He is so funny. So good.

[A]

He's so good. He is. He's the coolest.

[B]

Is he really?

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I just, I've been traveling a lot for work or I was and I decided to re. Watch Succession on the plane. It's a great re watch.

[A]

It's unbelievable.

[B]

What is the. The show is about. He shrinks her.

[A]

He's a scientist who shrinks his wife. So it's honey. I shrug my wife. But they're having some marital issues, so it's sort of like. Then becomes a little bit beefy, you know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And. And I'm. I'm running the lab where the shrinking is happening.

[B]

And so you have. I like the way you do Hollywood.

[A]

Thank you, Jake.

[B]

Well, because you do. When I think we first met, you were doing that. The CBS show, but you were on the Fox lot.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

I would. I, I think I know the name of it, but I don't want to get it wrong. I think it was Life in Pieces.

[A]

Life and pieces. Yeah.

[B]

Yes. And then we got to know each other and you did a bunch girl.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

As the mayor. Then you also, then you also do the fun stuff where you'll start putting together really small indies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is just. And then you started directing. You had your show on Roku where you did your own show where you wrote and starred in it and did everything. So what's your whole strategy? What's your game plan for any. Like, what do you like to do? How did you decide to do everything?

[A]

I mean, I've always loved writing and so I loved. Like when I, when I graduated from acting school, I like wrote. I started writing like this is so, so corny. But I did write a one woman show for myself and it is how I got my agent manager.

[B]

What was the title?

[A]

The title was Codependence is a four letter word. Really heady. That's cool. And. And I, I recorded my own music for it. I did like a covers album.

[B]

Oh, you did the whole thing.

[C]

That's great.

[A]

I was like, it was so. I've always loved being a mom and pop.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

All the parents doing all the stuff and all the stuff. I think I learned early that if I created my own stuff, I would feel very fulfilled. Totally. And. And then I kept doing that and was lucky enough to, like, be able to make a living from not making my own stuff so that I could go make my own stuff. And in the interim. And it was just so fun. And unfortunately, the lesson was always in the film space, at least for me. When I made them super teeny, they turned out the best. And when there were a lot of cooks in the kitchen, the vision got kind of compromised. That's not everyone's story, but that was my story, and that's similar to my story.

[B]

I get it too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It might. They might be small by nature and have a small audience, but you are doing what you set out to do.

[A]

Yeah. And I think, like, the more cooks in the kitchen, it can just become, like, diluted, you know, for lack of a better word. And sometimes that works.

[B]

That might turn into something that's a quote unquote, better project. It might have more success. But you're like. Correct. But I don't know then why I'm doing it on my own and why I'm not just acting in your thing.

[A]

Right, right. Totally. I haven't made one in a minute.

[B]

I think you should, Especially after this TV show.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. They're so fun. And it's so fun to work with your friends.

[B]

100%.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so where's your kind of passion at? You're saying you're in your villain era as an actress? Because I have stepped so into just acting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I realized, like, how much I. I'm like, oh, my God, why did I get away? This is the best job in the world.

[A]

It's so fun. I mean, I. I'm like. I'm developing a TV show right now.

[B]

And you would be the showrunner.

[A]

Yeah. And would direct also. And hopefully star in it also.

[B]

Oh, my. So you. Are you, like, you at all?

[A]

Yeah, I'm a masochist as well.

[B]

Right. So you like that?

[A]

I like it. I love it. I actually think that when you're doing all of the things which, you know, it's like there's some, like, weird, crazy magic that happens and you're so out of your mind. There's no ability to really be, like, in your head.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You just gotta.

[B]

You have to live in flow state.

[A]

Yes, exactly. And that's such a rarity in this way. Yeah.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

So I'm doing that and I'm. I'm trying to get this movie. I adapted one of Carol Burnett's Memoirs into a film that I'm going to direct.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

And Alison Janney's attached to play her.

[B]

So.

[A]

So that's been a dream because I've gotten to hang with Ms. Burnett and

[B]

it is like, what is she like?

[A]

She is the coolest. She actually, I have.

[C]

She's here. She's actually right behind me.

[B]

Oh, my God. Do I let her out?

[C]

Hey,

[A]

no, I have framed. She. She has a specific Cosmo recipe that she likes. So when you go out with her, when the waiter comes, she actually has a tiny card made that I have framed. That's like a little cartoon of her.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And then it says Carol's Cosmo. And it says exactly the recipe that she's looking for. And it's like, then it. Everyone's happy because she gets the drink she wants. The person has memento from Carol Burnett.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's like. It just. That's her in a nutshell. She's like, she's a joy.

[B]

So that she's figured out how to do this game. When you figure it out, you go like, well, that's a pretty cool way to do fame.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you are getting what you want. You're not being rude. And they go like, pretty fucking cool. Like, I moved to LA to be an actor. Now I'm a waiter. But I'm fucking pretty psyched. I got this.

[C]

Honestly. So successful. She's producing her own cocktails.

[A]

Yes, totally.

[C]

She gets a producing credit on her drinks.

[B]

And so really fast. Zoe, before we go without giving anything away, we've already done the calls today. Your thoughts of how these calls go today. We're talking about Carol Bennett. Some good stuff. Writing, directing, the rights to stuff. Really good and heavy stuff. So this is. You've entered Gareth and my little podcast world. Your thoughts, Zoe?

[A]

I would say I'm floored and flummoxed.

[C]

I title.

[A]

I'm rarely. I'm rarely speechless, I would say. And Gareth, I don't know you well, but I feel that we've now been sort of to hell and back together.

[B]

We did an ayahuasca trip together.

[C]

Yeah. We did it all today.

[B]

You have the same shaman.

[C]

It feels like we're at a wrap party right now of a nine year truce.

[A]

Absolutely. But I will say that what I do know of you and Jake, what I know of you is like the three of us are rarely speechless. And we were speechless today.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

We get floored. I mean, there's no doubt.

[B]

Well, Zoe, we appreciate you coming on.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, highly. I always Think of you. I hope we get to do something very soon.

[A]

Would love that. And thanks for having me. This was so much fun, really.

[B]

Thank you everybody. Enjoy the show.

[C]

Hey everybody. We just want to remind you, if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to help. It drops a day early on Hulu so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved.

[B]

Yes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace, Gareth Reynolds, tell them about your website.

[C]

Well, every, I, I keep building different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace, but I, I've been working with Squarespace for a while. Could not be more user friendly. They make it very easy and your website looks great. And we've built multiple websites on this show because it's so easy. They really, they help you find the domain, they help you get.

[B]

By the way, here to help. Pod.com is our show website that is constantly evolving. And one thing I want to say, and that's a Squarespace. Guys, check out the website because it's starting to evolve a little bit. So we've gotten emails from people being like, where do I find the blank in the blank? Well, go to heretohelppod.com which is a squarespace website to get all the answers you need. Squarespace gives you everything you need. It's got cutting edge design. It's got, you can put donations on there fund directly on your website if you want.

[C]

You can put content on there. There's also is the SEO tools which for a while I just kept saying it and I didn't know what it was, but I don't know what it is. I'm going to tell you. It's search engine optimization. So it's like if someone's looking for what you provide, they help you get higher in the search, which can be huge.

[B]

Cool.

[C]

I think optimization is good.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

Wow. Coming in at the end.

[B]

So check out squarespace.com Gil sent me. Ah, Ms. Gil. Can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy?

[C]

Jake Johnson, SEO Tools. Talk about being left behind in the search. That would be Gilbyu, Canada. An island by himself. Things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe. I'm still in the closet waiting for someone to come find me.

[B]

But actually Gil, it looks like your microphone is not plugged in. Brother.

[C]

So sorry. I didn't understand how that was. Anyway, Squarespace slash Gil Sent me we're back.

[B]

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[C]

me we're back baby. Hello.

[B]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

Hello. Hi, how are you?

[D]

Great, how are you?

[B]

I'm doing great. Can we get your name, please? Wonderful.

[D]

I'm Deirdre.

[B]

Deirdre. I'm gonna say that wrong every time.

[D]

If I call you D, dear, like the animal draw. You can call me D. That's fine,

[C]

dear, like the animal animal drop.

[B]

By the way, what a great for a dyslexic. That's right. I wrote deer slash draw.

[D]

I'm a teacher, I need it.

[C]

Yeah, he will call you Draw Deer eventually. Hey, Draw deer. I got a pitch.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. Now I'm screwed. Deirdre, where are you calling from?

[D]

I'm calling from Chicago.

[B]

Hey, where you at in Chicago?

[D]

I live a mile west of Wrigley, but I'm in the south side right now.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Have you ever seen our van near Wrigleyville?

[D]

Van?

[B]

The van we.

[C]

Our van.

[B]

Our van.

[D]

No, I've not seen your van.

[B]

That's disappointing.

[D]

No, I haven't.

[B]

And what do you do out in Chicago? You said you're a teacher.

[D]

I am a teacher. Yeah. I teach fifth and sixth science.

[B]

Fifth and sixth science. Have you checked out the Hot Takes website that they created?

[D]

I should. Oh, you know what? I've listened to that episode, but I haven't actually looked at it. I will.

[B]

They created a website that's very good about and you should try it with the 56. That's not what this is about, Deirdre. We have a special guest, a lady who I really like just a ton of fun, a great mind, a director, an actress, she's got it all. Zoe listed Jones.

[A]

Hello, Deirdre.

[D]

Hi. How's it going?

[A]

Good. How are you doing?

[D]

I'm great.

[B]

Zoe, you got any questions for Deirdre before we start?

[A]

You know, I might need some more information from Deirdre before I ask a question.

[C]

Okay, smart.

[B]

Deirdre, take over.

[D]

So my issue is that my parents are going on a 21 day trip to Europe. They're visiting a bunch of different cities and countries. They're very excited about it. It's going to be the most extravagant trip of their entire lives. They're in their mid-70s and we are all very excited for them. The issue is that my father read one Rick Steves article that stated that he all he needs to bring to Europe when he goes is a duffel bag for his luggage. And we're struggling with this because everybody is. Listen, I would love my father to face the consequences of his own actions of bringing just one duffel bag, but I really feel for my mom who is going to have to deal with either going to foreign laundromats or, or dealing with old man smelly, dirty clothes, things like that. I was talking to my mother about this issue last weekend and I was asking how the progress was and I guess they have a on their 11 day, the 11th day of their trips are going to be in Paris and there's a good laundry service at their hotel so they know they can do laundry there. So my dad responded to my mom with, oh, great, but I only need to bring seven pairs of underpants.

[B]

Who's he? That's a true thing, Zoe. He does, he tries to keep his underwear tight on the road. He's a stand up comedian and he's like, he does yoga with no underpants on because he doesn't want to waste the underpants. Have you ever heard such a thing?

[A]

I remain a fan.

[C]

Wow. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Three ball and downward dog.

[C]

I Crazy. I the idea of doing yoga and underwear in a hotel room still doesn't feel right to me. I do have a pitch count for the underpants, but I also have laundry.

[B]

What a thing to have a pitch count on.

[C]

I Please. I'm talking of all things, I'm talking. I think there are times where I go, oh, I can do laundry there. So I get the laundry thing. But I do think you're right. Your father's great. The amount of damage Rick Steves has done to old people traveling, we will never know. It's incalculable

[B]

Deirdre, one question for you. On an 11 day trip, why is he pitching 7 undies? Shouldn't you say all I need is 11 undies?

[D]

My mother has a PhD in special education and can't figure this one out. She is like, do I make a calendar for him to tell him it's wrong? Do I give him a chart? Like, how do I explain to him that 7 and 11 don't line up correctly?

[B]

Yeah, that math is all up.

[C]

That math is off. But that's where he's just going to get to do laundry the first time. So we're talking then even after that, there's more trips.

[B]

I started going four days. I'm recycling. Yeah. Zoe Lister Jones, you got an 11 day trip. How many pair underpants you bring in?

[A]

I'm bringing 12 to 13, just in case.

[C]

But.

[A]

But yeah, this is, and this is a summer. When is this trip planned?

[D]

It's in May.

[A]

In May. So it could be balmy. 16 could be balmy. I might have to go 15, 16. If I'm going swimming, I'm going to need two a day, you know?

[C]

Yeah. And this is also like, it's tourist life. It's not like you're just sitting in the hotel watching tbs. I mean, you are talking about you're going to go see stuff. You're walking.

[B]

I mean, you're walking.

[C]

These underpants are. They are pulling a double.

[A]

They're on the front lines. Yeah.

[D]

I really am mostly worried about the luggage.

[B]

Okay, so we should get off the underpants. I gotta say, I feel like I'm

[D]

gonna solve the underpants problem. I really do. So.

[B]

Yeah, I hear you. But I gotta say, the 7 out of 11 is so shocking. It's hard to go. Like, how do we get it? We can pitch on two double bags. But also, dad, if there's 11 days, you got to do at least one pair a day.

[C]

You are deciding to go play baseball without a bat. Also, I'm the naked yoga underpants pitch count guy. And I'm telling you, your dad's out of his mind because he is.

[A]

It's also, I will say this feels like four underwear are. It's a small. Those, those, those buddies bunch up real tight like, so I feel that dad is creating problems just to create problems.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[A]

You know, so really fit in those.

[B]

Yeah, Zoe's right on that. So just before. Because we, we have to know dad a little bit more before we pitch. Why is your dad doing 7 out of 11 days for undies? What's going on with dad? Is this who dad has always been? Has he always done weird stuff like this?

[D]

100. Yes. We call him. We call him crazy M because of. He's just. He's nuts. And he always has been. And he comes up with crazy ideas and then doubles down on them. This is not out of character for him.

[B]

I respect the hell out of this stuff. Okay. So he makes weird decisions. Everybody knows it. Like seven out of 11. And right now the weird decision he has made was he's going on a 21 day trip. And he goes, all I need is a duffel. And you and his wife are going, probably more than a duffel. Yeah. And he's going, nah, just a duffel. And you go. The question is, how do we get my dad to realize he needs more than a duffel?

[A]

Not even a small roller bag?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I mean he's gonna be brewing his underwear dragging the duffel even more. The roller.

[B]

A duffel is the worst thing to travel.

[C]

Rick Steves is a national issue.

[A]

A hiking pack.

[B]

And any. The worst thing you could travel with is a duffel bag. 100% uncomfortable. It hurts the shoulder. It doesn't go anywhere.

[C]

It's a nice off like a louvre like heist or something like that.

[D]

So. Yep.

[B]

And so what happened with this guy? So Rick Steve says all men should travel with a duffel bag. I missed that part of this. The worst.

[C]

I have a major issue with Rick Steves.

[B]

I have this guy. What is he just.

[C]

Look, with all due respect to the Rick Steves fan, Rick Steves is just some dork who travels with a film crew and acts like he's out there, you know, really going at the elements. He. He knows his stuff. But he's the guy who, if you say, if I saw Rick Steves in public, I would sh. You.

[D]

He.

[C]

He just constantly has this weird version of travel. And I know I've gone. I went to France with a buddy of mine who had a Rick Steves book and we went, we tried to go to a couple places. Everything was closed or he had misrepresented the wait times and things like this. So he, he. It's almost like he's doing an infomercial for travel. And when your boots on the ground, you're like, what is this guy talking about?

[B]

But his whole thing is just less is more with.

[C]

I've never heard this duffel B.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

His thing is to sort of sabotage the modern traveler. You know, send them to places that are closed, tell daddy, bring less.

[B]

I don't get what he's selling is what I like before, because he had

[C]

a PBS travel show. So he had a PBS travel show and he's sort of picture like Bourdain. He had a PBS travel show.

[B]

Andrew Zimmerman.

[C]

Yes. And he takes people out and he shows people. So for a minute there was a purpose. Then he starts writing the books. And that's where he's starting to impart the wisdom of a privileged man.

[B]

Okay, so. And then. So Deirdre, your dad got into this guy and did he say because of this guy Rick? He's. I'm just trying to get clean on why the fuck the duffel.

[D]

Then I really genuinely think he read one Rick Steves blog and was like, yep, that sounds great. I'll do it.

[B]

So then here's what I say you do. First pitch. Did you see the new Rick Steves video? And he said, don't you pretend you just saw a new video from this guy. And he goes, he said in Europe, not a duffel bag. He said in. He said in America, duffel bag in South America, duffel bag in Europe, regular suitcase and backpack. And he goes, where's the video? You go, you know, us two, you and me on the Internet, we can never find stuff again. But it was a huge video. And he goes, only an idiot would bring 7 pair of underwear for 11 days because you got to have a new pair every day, just like home. That's what he says. I would start doing the that's what he says routine.

[C]

I. I like that. I honestly think, Jake, we could have Chris doctor up a almost updated fake Rick Steves article that says something along the lines of because of something in the news. International travel has become much more complicated. I'm switching from duffel bag to big roller.

[B]

Or here's why.

[C]

And here's why. Yes.

[B]

So if we created that, Deirdre. And what would that be? Like a. A jpeg or that?

[C]

Yeah, I think we could. She. She treats it like she sent a screenshot. And we can just put Rick Steves. We can fake Rick Steves little signature and just almost the Rick.

[B]

It's so weird.

[C]

I'm mad at him. We keep in prison. Yeah.

[B]

Not you guys. Us guys. Zoe, you're part of this.

[C]

I don't have any other.

[B]

That's why we bring friends on the show.

[D]

He would want that from someone other than me.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

I would have to figure out somebody else to. To send it to him because I. Because we've already kind of given him a hard time about it.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And I think that if I sent him something like that, he'd be like, oh, but if he got it from somebody else that he. Who hasn't been giving him a hard time would be better.

[B]

Who could that be in your family.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Or in your circle.

[D]

I have to say. I mean, I feel like any of his friends or maybe even my. My uncle. Could you call.

[A]

I like uncle. I like.

[B]

Could you call uncle and say, I'm. Would you do it? Okay. And then.

[D]

Oh, no. He knows. He feels the same way.

[B]

Okay, so what we're gonna do when we're talking about the thing, it's. What do we need to put on that? The duffel bag.

[D]

The duffel bag. The underpants.

[B]

Underwear. Every day. New underpants a day

[A]

would be detailing the amount of underwear Amanda has to bring.

[B]

Is my favorite.

[C]

So directly catered to her dad.

[B]

But we're gonna add stuff. We're gonna say new underpants daily and new socks, he would say. Then you could say on certain trips, you can recycle socks and undies, but not over the summer in Europe.

[C]

But I think what we. What we should say.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

We should be. We should say. We. We should say that Rick Steves just pulled off an adventure in Europe filming for his show.

[B]

Crazy.

[C]

And there's some updated stuff because of. Things have changed.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Due to some international, you know, difficulties. Maybe it's a climate change angle.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like Europe is getting hotter. Europe has gotten hotter, by the way.

[B]

That's absolutely. You could also say because of that. Fanny packs. You could say you must bring undershirts even if you don't wear them. Buy them white T shirts, undershirts. Even if you're not a shorts person. Get two pair of cargo shorts. You're going to need shorts and these certain type of shoe to wear. This shoe is bad. Do not wear a flip flop. You've got to wear. So it's not just his stuff.

[C]

And let's also say hotel laundry in Europe is in crisis. There's been. Because of some water shortages in certain areas, hotels are charging double for laundry and not even getting it done in a proper timeline.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Can we say that for this specific countries that he's going to be at after Paris? Because I want them to feel confident that they can do their laundry in Paris. My mom will obviously she's going to be in on all of this. But my dad is going to start freaking out. Whatever laundry is available. And he shouldn't know. He can't trust the water. Like he is this gullible. He will Absolutely fall for this.

[B]

Okay, maybe we. Maybe we don't. Yeah, maybe we don't do that. We don't want him to get to go. No laundry on the whole trip.

[C]

Except for France. France is exact. Feel good about Paris laundry.

[B]

So really quickly, before we go further, Zoe, what are we. What are we missing?

[A]

What are we missing?

[B]

We got the underpants, we got the duffel bag.

[A]

What do we mean? I mean, there is something. My thing about the duffel bag is maybe there's something to be added around, like the amount of walking that's going to be done that he's not accounting for. That we could put into the language of like, when on a. When on a trip where you're going to multiple countries and having to go to train stations or airports or however they're traveling in between the countries. Best to take a rollie. You need.

[B]

No, you must take a rolly.

[A]

Necessary.

[B]

Only a fool would bring a duffel.

[C]

And that is literally the case.

[A]

Yeah, literally.

[D]

Objectively, my dad has a bad heart. He's got multiple digits of stents in his heart. He's got more than 10 stents in his heart. So he should not be carrying a duffel bag. And that's also one of the big things here. And so I think there's something about your health saying if you're going to be doing all this walking, you shouldn't have to be doing all that carrying, too.

[B]

What about this? What if we had the JPEG created? It was for different ages. So a duffel's for men and women under 35 over the age of 35. It's a role then for 70 plus. If you're fit. If you're fit. So he can go, I'm fit, Rolly. If you're not fit, baby backpack. Yeah. And he's like some old guy who's a piece of.

[C]

Steve just turned 70 last year. Rick Steves turned 70 last year.

[B]

So this is Rick Steve trip.

[C]

Maybe he's updated his advice.

[A]

It's an addendum. It's an addendum since my birthday as

[B]

a 70 year old man.

[C]

He just went to Europe and I got a stent.

[B]

If we make this and Gareth says our guy can make it. We got a guy now, Zoe, you

[C]

know, he can definitely make it.

[A]

I love a guy.

[B]

Me too.

[C]

He can definitely make it. We can make it. I mean, I'll. I'll find some Rick Steves. Where, you know, he's sitting there like,

[B]

the thing with this guy is really not a fan.

[C]

Not a fan. I mean, listen, to the damage he's done here for sweet.

[B]

Deidre, slow down on it. He's just an old guy who's trying to make a little bit of money on YouTube.

[D]

He.

[C]

No, he's not, Jake. He's been doing this for 50 years.

[A]

It's an empire.

[B]

Oh, so he's rich as hell.

[C]

Yes, for sure.

[A]

I was a rich guy saying, just

[C]

carry a duffel bag, old man. Who's.

[A]

He's the one shouldn't be doing that.

[B]

I got you. Understood. He's killing people.

[C]

It's time.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

By the way, I never heard that.

[B]

He's a. He's a neighbor. He's a monster.

[C]

Have you really turned.

[B]

He's a monster. So if we make this, Deirdre, you're going to show it to him and then will you take a photo of him with his new suitcase before he goes?

[C]

The uncle shows.

[D]

Yes, 100%.

[C]

Uncle will show it, send it to him and go, hey, have you seen this? Rick Steves update, old duffel boy.

[B]

Yeah, but do this, do this. When he tells you, try to record it and act. Surprise. Yeah, he goes like this. You go like this. How's the duffel? And he goes like, not taking it. Can't. And then go, why, I thought you loved it. And you go, it's stupid. And then you go, no, it isn't. And argue that he should have it

[C]

for a 35 year old.

[B]

You go like this.

[C]

A rolly.

[B]

Don't do a rolling. He'll go way smarter. You go, no, it isn't. The duffel's the smartest. And he'll go, you don't know anything.

[C]

What if I get lost in a train? Rick Steve says I could be bad dragging a duffel through Europe. I'm not 31.

[B]

I got a stint. All right. Will you follow up with us?

[D]

Of course. Absolutely. Thank you guys so much.

[C]

And I'll. I'll get you. When are they leaving?

[D]

It's in May, I think Middle of May.

[C]

All right, well, I'll get you this crazy little Rick Steves thing set up and we'll. We'll post it at all that.

[D]

Thank you guys so much. This is so fun.

[C]

Thanks, Deidre. Hello.

[D]

Hello.

[C]

Hi there. Can we get your name, please?

[D]

Sure. My name is Susan.

[C]

Hi, Susan. Susan. Where are you calling from?

[D]

I'm calling from South Florida.

[C]

South Florida. Well, Susan, we're going to get into it, but I'm not going to lie to you. We have a great guest helper with us today. You've got Jake, you've got Me. Who cares? We've also got multi hyphenate, even a hyphen in her name. We have Zoe Lister Jones joining us to help solve whatever your little predicament is here.

[B]

Zoe, really fast. What was the character you did on New Girl again? The mayor.

[A]

Fawn Moscato.

[B]

That was really funny. I just remembered all that.

[A]

One of the best.

[B]

One of the best characters.

[A]

It was the best character I've ever played, potentially.

[C]

Totally.

[B]

I forgot a lot of funny that.

[A]

And you know what, Gareth, not to bring it back to your butthole again, but thank you. She. She did advocate for not wearing underwear. That was a big storyline. That was. That was when I was part of the A story. It was all about me free balling on the golf course.

[B]

I remember this. Yeah.

[C]

I was like, I don't know why. That's comedy on a show, to me. Sounds pretty rational.

[B]

I also love that you had to point out that was part of the A story. Feels like a wildly sequel story.

[A]

Wildly C story.

[B]

What's going on? This character, a reoccurring guest star, doesn't wear underpants. That feels maybe B, you're like a story.

[C]

I was driving pages.

[A]

I was driving that.

[B]

Every other character was going like this. Is that true? Three page line. No kidding. Another three to four page.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

This y.

[B]

Yes, Susan, what can we do for you today?

[D]

So I'll just get right into it. I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago, and I discovered he has this really unusual habit, and it's disgusting.

[A]

Okay, so move out.

[B]

Get out of there. Cook a little bit. Yeah. Let's see what she says. Yep.

[D]

So I woke up one morning to find a bottle of mustard on the sink in the bathroom.

[B]

Move out.

[D]

So I. Well, well, when I questioned him about this, he was like, oh, yeah, I ate a pretzel dog sitting on the toilet with the shower running in the middle of the night. Absolutely disgusting. Disgusting.

[B]

Disgusting. First of all, pretzel is disgusting.

[C]

Yeah. Pretzel dog in general.

[B]

Take away.

[A]

Take away the dog in any setting.

[B]

If I go like this. I just moved in with my partner, and they're like this, what are you up to? And they go, I'm just gonna eat a pretzel dog. Pass.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. I'm gonna turn the shower on. Crap and eat a pretzel dog. You sleep well, huh?

[D]

Okay.

[B]

What's the grossest thing you've eaten on the toilet?

[D]

Go ahead.

[A]

You know, I've never eaten on the toilet.

[B]

That's cool.

[C]

Wait.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Sorry, Susan.

[B]

Keep going.

[C]

Susan. Is Plowing through her story, by the way.

[D]

I'm just going.

[A]

You will not derail.

[D]

I gotta get this out.

[B]

Okay. I hope you have a cigarette and like a gin and 7Up, I think South Florida.

[D]

I might. I might. Yeah. But so the problem is I asked him about it and he said, yeah, that's what he was doing. And I was like, well, why? So he said, well, the steam, the shower just kind of seems to me. And he likes to hang out in there.

[B]

He's like, I love this smells. And I'm an animal.

[D]

He is an animal. It's disgusting. It's. It's an animal maniacal behavior.

[B]

They, like, take a shit and then they're like this lunch.

[C]

Hey, Susan, be careful. Jake might adopt your boyfriend.

[B]

No way. Humans.

[D]

Gross. You can have him.

[B]

If he was a chimp, I would take him. Susan. I'd fight you for him.

[C]

His name would be Dijon and he'd be living in Jake's yard.

[B]

Dijon? Come on. I have no class. His name would be Yellow.

[C]

This is French's.

[B]

All right, Susan, so you got this boyfriend. What are we calling him? What's his name?

[D]

Jake, of course. Real name.

[B]

That was mean spirited. He's a disgusting animal who eats pretzel dogs on a toilet with a steam on. Call him Zoe Lister Joke. That's a Zoe Lister Jones name. To me. The.

[D]

That.

[C]

It does feel targeted. Susan, we know it's his name, but you could have changed it. Leaving mustard on the bathroom sink.

[B]

So a big old weirdo named Jake sits around eating pretzel dogs with mustard in your toilet. You live with them, but you don't want to. Oh, is this my wife? Aaron, by the way. Hey, just get off the phone and come in the room, sweetheart. This is an insulting way to talk. Just come in the room. He's like, hey, it's disgusting. And stop with the fake South Florida. We live in California. All right, so, Susan, keep going. What's going on?

[D]

So I feel like. Like, who am I to tell him you can't eat in the bathroom? But it's gross. And I ultimately would like it to stop. But more importantly, I don't want to be sharing these disgusting bathroom condimen.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I mean, this is.

[B]

I agree with everything you're saying.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, agreed.

[B]

The call just was agreed.

[C]

Yeah, we. I mean, the idea that you're like, listen, I know I'm going out on a limb. I don't like mustard in my toilet. Call me wacky.

[D]

She's crazy.

[B]

Yeah. No, the. The response to this is for sure. Gareth is right. Agreed.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

So how do I get him to either stop, completely throw you, or not bring condiments into the bathroom, like floss your dog in the kitchen?

[B]

So, Zoe, we're gonna start with you here. You. When you're hearing all this, imagine yourself, your partner's eating mustard on pretzel dogs in the toilet. How are you stopping this? How do we get Susan out of this nightmare?

[A]

I mean, I'm just gonna say that just. And this might be a hot take, but just taking a dump while the shower's steaming disgusts me wholeheartedly.

[B]

Same so.

[D]

Well, he's not doing that, though. He's not using the bathroom. He's. He's just sitting on the toilet lid and eating. He's not shitting while he's eating.

[A]

He's sitting on the toilet lid eating even crazier, actually. That makes me deeply uncomfortable.

[B]

That's not a place of e. I actually think that.

[C]

That using it as a chair. This got worse.

[B]

It's also just. It's not a place of eating.

[C]

It's a crazy place to decide.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, here's what I'll say. I respect you trying to offer him the dignity of his own experience, that you're like, I can't tell him what not to do. But I'm going to interject and say, you absolutely must. This is now a shared living space.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he. This is a. I think once you move in with someone, especially, you know, an animal like Jake, you. I would. I would have to set very firm boundaries about what's acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable behavior. And if the behavior that is unacceptable to you continues, I'm gonna go with my first piece of advice.

[B]

You're kind of right.

[A]

Gtfo.

[B]

I gotta say, Zoe's being harsh, but she's right. Susan. This is a toilet is not.

[C]

This is acceptable.

[B]

It's unacceptable.

[C]

This. This really is.

[D]

I agree. I agree it is unacceptable. But I'm also. It's not the only issue that I don't. He can do whatever he wants to do. He's an adult. So I don't want to, like, yuck his yum.

[B]

Get the fuck out of this.

[D]

I just want the condiments out of the bathroom.

[C]

I think first of all, what I love. Yeah, go ahead, start sleeping in the kitchen. Shit in your bedroom. I mean, these rooms are separated for activities just on a base of civilization. I don't know how we arrived at these points, but we have agreed that there's no eating in the toilet. But if you're willing to lower the bars.

[B]

I don't know how we arrived at that. It smells, smells bad in there.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

It's.

[B]

This isn't like it took our greatest minds to go like, wait a second, shall we eat? Where we, I mean humans went like this.

[C]

It became a thing we say where you eat.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

A turn of phrase so that we're like, don't do that. It's a bad idea.

[B]

But that's one of those phrases we didn't need.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

We all know makes us humans.

[C]

I think that we're all. I think all three of us are a little more outraged than you. But that's okay if you're just saying you want condiments out of the bathroom. By the way, the most Florida problem I think I've ever heard.

[D]

I. I have a pitch from here originally.

[C]

Well, you've. You've adapted quite well. I have, I have a pitch on maybe how to do that. I don't know. Do you have anything, Jake, go with

[B]

what you're going with.

[C]

I'm. I think what you need is a launching off point into the conversation. How long have you been living with him?

[D]

Since November. Just a couple months.

[C]

So longer than a couple months.

[A]

When did you find the mustard?

[D]

Well, see, my mustard really shortly after I moved in. And he does this on average about once a week.

[B]

Susan, I have a real question.

[D]

It's not always mustard. It's hot sauce.

[B]

Okay,

[A]

I gotta go.

[C]

I don't know why it's hot sauce.

[B]

Hold on, hold on. I have a real question. So I'm just getting a little bit confused of how crazy this is. So once a week, he turns the shower on to a full steam, makes a sandwich in the kitchen, brings it in with the condiment. He doesn't put like all the hot sauce on it.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Cuz you could also just put it on. You know what he could do? He could put it all on like a, like a napkin or a paper plate, leave all the condiments in the fridge and go like. I got this really weird embarrassing thing where I like to eat in a steamy shower. My weird ham sandwich. But he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to do the condiments in there. He could do those. You could say, let's just make a rule, homie. Eat wherever you want. No condiments or plates. Like, let's have. What's in one room stays in one room. And if he doesn't do it, I want you to take everything from the bathroom. That's His. And put it in the. The bedroom closet where he goes, where's my shampoo and toothbrush? And you go, it's in the closet where my shoes are. And he goes, why? And he goes, I don't know. I think we're just putting things in random places.

[C]

All right, good night. I'm gonna go sleep in the car.

[B]

Yeah. And he goes, what do you mean? I don't know. I just saw some hot sauce on the toilet bowl, so I just thought maybe I'll put the toothbrush in the closet.

[C]

I. I really wouldn't.

[D]

I fear he wouldn't even notice.

[B]

He would because take everything that's his and put it in the wrong spot. Hot. Put his socks in the refrigerator.

[C]

He's gonna end up eating them in the toilet.

[B]

I'm not kidding you.

[D]

Pretty good idea it is.

[B]

Everything gets mixed around. So he goes, hey, honey, what the is going on? Where are my jeans? And you go like this. I'm not sure. Have you checked the microwave?

[C]

I think what's good is what. What I really like about that is that you are. I mean, this is so. The longer that I think about this, the more that it's sinking in that it is absolutely upside downtown nuts in upside down world. But I think that's right. I think, like, I like that. For a pitch, I'll give you one that can maybe lead you into that. Or just a separate pitch, which is, what if you fake sit on mustard? What if you come out of the bathroom and you have some mustard on your ass or on your pants and you are outraged because, look, you allowed him to turn the bathroom into his kitchen junior long enough. And now there's actually been repercussions, which is you've set. You sat in some mustard on the toilet. This has to stop. And that can launch you into this conversation of this is not okay.

[B]

You know what we could also do with this, Susan, because Jake is crazy. Pretend it's a cartoon and you slipped on the mustard like a banana peel and hurt your back.

[D]

Oh, that's good.

[B]

I mean, the fact that you said that's good tells me we're an upside down world.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

We're not.

[C]

We're obviously. We're obviously in a very. We're all trying to kind of looney Tune our brains.

[B]

Zoe, what do you got?

[A]

What do you got, Susan? Have you brought this up to him already? Like, how many times has this been.

[B]

He ran through a wall. There was the outline of him going

[C]

through it, but he kept walking because he didn't know There was nothing below him.

[B]

But then he dropped really fast.

[C]

But then he saw it. He dropped.

[D]

After the. After I first found the first condiment in the bathroom, I asked like why it was in there and he told me why. And then I was just like, oh, okay. And then I have not brought it up since.

[B]

You're unbelievable.

[D]

He also does it. He also does it at like 3 o' clock in the morning. So I don't even see it real time. I just see the evidence.

[C]

Drunk.

[B]

Of course he's drunk.

[D]

He possibly, but I.

[B]

Guys, guys. Take away possibly. Who needs to eat a sandwich at 3am and bring it in the bathroom and. Or stoned off his ass and going like, I got a pretty good idea.

[D]

You.

[A]

I'm starting to fall in love with this guy.

[B]

It's also me.

[D]

G. He's great. He's a great guy.

[C]

He's great.

[D]

He's great.

[C]

It's just. He's nocturnally.

[B]

Snack, bath, gu. When you get stoned off your ass and you're alone, you go like this. You know what be cool as right now. I'm going to take the shower, put it on really hot. Then I'm going to eat nachos in here. And you go, pretty good. It was mister.

[A]

And then he's like, I'm going to bring the hot cheese with me and sort of just pour per chip.

[B]

I mean, yeah, here's. Here's my reason.

[D]

That's what he does. Because why is he bringing it in? I don't know. That's what I don't understand.

[A]

He's adjusting flavor bite to bite, by the way.

[B]

Which is delicious.

[A]

Respect.

[B]

I do that, by the way. I do that too. But when I'm really embarrassed by it, I just stand with the refrigerator door open and I do it fast.

[C]

He's found the next level of privacy.

[B]

Yeah, but his privacy. You. There's certain moves where you go, jake, I respect the hell out of the play. You are going. You're making hors d'. Oeuvres. You are not having a plate full of food. Each one is a bite. Good for you. You can't do it in the bathroom, my man. You can eat that. Yeah, go.

[A]

I got an idea.

[B]

Okay, go ahead.

[A]

What if. If. If you, which I respect, are intent on letting him do this? Just as long as the condiment does not remain on the toilet.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Or in the bathroom.

[D]

I don't want the condiment even crossing the threshold into the bathroom.

[A]

Same. Listen, I don't know that you can. Right. Because you're using that Condiment later.

[B]

Yeah, but it's in there with the jar open.

[D]

Yeah, I don't want to put mustard on a. On a sandwich and it's full of fecal matter.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Susan, what you're saying is normal.

[A]

Susan, the fact that you let this go on for as long as you have is outrageous. And you outrageous. You have to set a boundary. And I would say that every time it happens, he's gonna owe you something that's going to be very meaningful to you. I don't know if that's an hour long massage and it's something that's gonna cost him.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

So that I like that.

[B]

How about his home? He'd do it again.

[A]

The relationship.

[B]

I'm gonna take this love from you.

[C]

I think sometimes on this call, Susan, it feels like we called your show because you're just like, yeah, what are you gonna do? I mean like I just want the condiments out of that. I got. Here's an alt pitch for you. How about if you buy him. I don't love this at all, but I'm just trying to go into your world here. What if you bought him labeled toilet condiments and those are ones that he's allowed.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Gareth.

[B]

Gareth. No way. But you know what has he done

[D]

with toilet condiments are still going in the fridge with the rest of the food.

[C]

I don't it.

[B]

I have a pitch based off G's pitch that I think he will like. And I think it could also solve the problems. You know those tear that terrible style that men sometimes wear where they have their wallets attached to a chain. Yes, let's chain the condiments to the refrigerator.

[A]

Oh like oh my God, I love this.

[B]

Yes. So like bank pens is right.

[C]

So we're bank penning mustard because you live with the wildest man we've ever heard about.

[B]

So then he goes, what's going on? And you go, these are mine. I don't want. I don't want feal matter on them. These are bank penned to the refrigerator. And he goes, you, you mean it? You go, you can use it and you can bring a paper plate in there and eat your burrito at 3am No, I can't.

[C]

I have to jump in. I think you're exactly right. I mean I literally just spit coffee out saying I don't want fecal matter on my mustard. We are not in an okay world right now.

[B]

I know, but we gotta get out of this. Susan is so chill.

[A]

We're all in it. Now we just keep rotating.

[D]

Take it.

[A]

Well, all of our relationships are forever changed.

[B]

Also, the next time my wife judges me for something, she'll be like, your socks are everywhere. I'm like, I don't have all over the mustard.

[C]

When was the last time you found

[B]

ketchup in the toilet? I'm not a maniac. Jake's a maniac. You're.

[C]

Like you said, the fact that his name's Jake's not going to help you in that moment.

[B]

But, Susan, what do you think about finding a way to tape andor making or tie or chain getting your condiments? And you might have to take a condiment and put it into something else. So, like, you get it, pour it into something that has a handle, a little metal handle on it, or maybe

[C]

a new apartment where you live and

[B]

lock it in something.

[A]

You know what's interesting about all of these pitches is, is that Susan, if I'm. If I'm understanding correctly, has not ever said, this can't happen.

[D]

No.

[A]

Right.

[D]

No, no. You simply.

[A]

We are. We are bank. We are banking. And a single conversation.

[C]

Can you imagine being this man, man and being like, you only got one followup and being like, that went well.

[B]

So, Susan, Susan, we've given you a bunch of options here. We've. I think we've gotten to the bottom of this very strange situation. I think there's a way out of it. What do you think you're going to do?

[D]

I like. I kind of like the chaining the condiments idea.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[D]

But I think it could be a little bit impractical.

[B]

How so?

[D]

I think. I think. Well, because then how am I going to use the mustard if it's like, I got to take it six feet away from the fridge?

[B]

That's okay. What, are you going to run a marathon and then use it at the end of it? You just got to use it. You said six feet from the fridge. Like that was a longer chain perhaps. Yeah, but also six feet away from the fridge. Susan is. Yeah, but you could also scoop it into something and then put it where you need to. And also, how far is your stove from your fridge? It's more than six feet.

[D]

No, no, it's not.

[A]

I have to say something. I think women are in trouble. Women are women. Women are in terrible trouble. The way that you have to adjust your life to bank, chain your own condiments to the inside of your fridge in order to enable.

[B]

You know what? This is not a male fitness. No, no, no, no. Zoe, we had A call the other day where this really nice guy live who had 10 brothers and sisters and no one in her family closed doors when they took shits. And she was this really sweet call. She was like, oh, it's fine. I love to stretch my legs out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We were, we're like, what? And she was like, I mean, the door makes me feel claustrophobic. And he's like, she doesn't close the door. I've got a p. Crazy.

[C]

How about this guy?

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Oh, that's good.

[B]

This toilet stuff lately has been crazy.

[C]

I agree.

[B]

Here's the thing.

[A]

Thing.

[B]

He, he's not allowed to put comments in there. If there is, there's got to be consequences. You have to create a very clear boundary and say it's disgusting because there's feal matter in the air and go. You get that right, my man? It doesn't just come out your butt and disappear. It floats around. It's among us. So that's why we need this room to be pretty sealed up. Yeah. And he'll go, makes sense. Yeah, go. If you want to eat a burrito and have that air in your food, you do you ken King. But I don't want my stuff to food especially I don't want that jar opened up in here. Does that make sense, my king? And he'll go, I hear what you're saying, but in a lot of ways. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't do this one. And if he goes, I need to be able to open up food in the bathroom. I'm telling you, he's not the right guy.

[C]

I, I, I think, I think the chaining.

[D]

Fair. That's fair.

[B]

Susan, this, if this is early on on this started in November. Imagine 10 years from now.

[A]

Correct.

[C]

Oh my God. The toilet's going to be full of condiments.

[B]

That's only the beginning.

[A]

In the bathroom.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He might take a dump in the kitchen. I don't want to walk in there, just like shit it in here. You might be living in hell.

[C]

Honest to God. I think it is. It's, I think he's right. I think this is. You just have to feel comfortable approaching something like this with him because this dude is eating in the toilet. I mean, this is nuts.

[B]

So, Susan, let's do do this really fast. Zoe, I would like you to be Jake, please, in a reenactment. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Susan, will you be you and will you tell Jake in your words that this has to be done?

[C]

Can I ask a question? Jake, before we start do you think she should bring. I think the chaining of the condiments is a nice way to be like, hey, I'm trying to work with you. Should that sort of be the pitch here? A little bit.

[D]

Bit.

[B]

Like, do you need me to change?

[C]

Like, I'm trying to solve this for us. So I'm thinking I'm going to start chaining the condiments to the fridge.

[B]

So, Susan, that's up to you. What I would do, honestly, if I was you, is. No, I would go, this is disgusting and it has to stop. But take a second, Susan, and you play your game. Okay?

[D]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

When I get ready, Jake, it's the morning after you go to the bathroom. There was mustard. Now it's 9am you go in the bedroom. Jake's still sleeping. He was eating that burrito at 3am he's tired, so it's time to wake his big ass up and have a confrontation. Zoe, you're big. Jake, ready?

[D]

Hey, Jake.

[B]

Hey, baby.

[D]

I was just in the bathroom and I noticed that there was mustard on the counter. And I know you really like to eat in there because it's all steamy and it makes you feel comforted, but if kind of gross because there's like germs and stuff. Really quick.

[B]

Pause your thoughts on that joke that is true about you, Jake. Go ahead. Your thoughts.

[A]

Yeah, maybe that's right.

[B]

Now go on. What do you like about it? She said it makes you feel confident. Go ahead.

[A]

Yeah, baby. I. I love it because it's. It's just. It's just where I feel the safest. And the combination of. I love sleep. I love flavors and textures. And when I'm eating and the steam envelops my body, it just feels like a better way for. For me to digest my food. It helps with my ibs.

[D]

I swear, I think there's a real possibility that he could actually say that back to me.

[B]

That's why we're doing this, Susan. So keep going. Hang in there, Susan. Hang in there. You are going to win this.

[D]

Okay, so which I totally understand your reasonings for wanting to eat in there, but can I ask you just to like maybe not bring the condiments in with you and just toss up your stuff before you go in there.

[A]

So something about me is that my. My taste buds were impacted as a child and because I burned my tongue on hot cocoa and when. So sometimes if I put just a little bit of mustard in the kitchen, then I'm going back and forth and I'm letting the steam out of the bathroom, so I need to be able to adjust on the spot, so.

[D]

Wow. I didn't realize you had this disability.

[A]

Yes,

[B]

Susan. No, Susan. No, Susan.

[A]

This doesn't make you ableist.

[B]

Do not go like this. Well, would you like me to bring the turkey in there? Oh, gosh, no.

[C]

Should we put a stove in the tub?

[B]

Susan, you're winning this. Keep going.

[D]

I'm gonna put a toaster in the tub in five minutes.

[B]

You can say I'm sorry about your disability, but.

[C]

Yeah, remember, you're right. Don't forget that.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true. Okay, so, so sorry to hear about your taste budget, but we really need to keep the condiments out of the bathroom. You know, just for, like, sanitary reasons. Is that a thing you should participate in?

[A]

What do you mean? Cause if the shower's running, the whole thing is clean.

[D]

But the toilet is still located in that room.

[C]

But the.

[A]

And wait, what's the problem?

[D]

There's germs everywhere. Because it's a bathroom, and that's where we go pee and poop.

[A]

But if I'm not pooping while I'm eating, then there's no germs.

[D]

Well, the bathroom's still very germy.

[A]

The bathroom's germy. I didn't realize that that. Because I thought if I was cleaning myself that the bathroom was clean.

[D]

Yeah, not so much. Also, the cat jumps up on the sink. His little litter box pl are up there, too. Oh, just not a place for food.

[A]

So I can't eat in the bathroom anymore?

[D]

I would prefer it if you didn't.

[B]

Is that a. Is that a. Susan, you had it. You had a.

[C]

Okay, right there.

[D]

There.

[B]

You can't. Then at the end go. I prefer. That's what I'm saying.

[C]

Either way.

[B]

You want to eat in there, eat in there. My condiments cannot go in there. If you want to eat in a disgusting room, do it. But my. Our shared food. I'm a no. Does that make sense?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So get back into it and finish. Finish a little bit stronger. Because, by the way, Susan, you were killing that.

[C]

Great.

[B]

Okay, Zoe, will you go back and give her a little wrinkle before you start a green and let's see if we can.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I just don't really agree with you at all.

[D]

That's cool that you don't agree with me. And you're entitled to your preference. But my preference is that food does not ever go into the bathroom.

[A]

Well, I guess we have different preferences.

[D]

It Seems that way. But can you respect mine?

[A]

I'll try my best, baby.

[D]

Okay. And if I find condiments in the bathroom, just know that there will be serious repercussions.

[B]

Susan, here's it is. If I find. Here's what you do. I have a great pitch. All of a sudden you have to have this talk with them. If it's in there again, throw it the out in the bathroom garbage.

[C]

That's great. Great. Oh, he goes.

[B]

He goes, what you doing? You go like this. I can't eat it. And he goes, why? I've told you, if. If there's anything in the bathroom that's food, it goes in the garbage. Because he made it garbage.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So do this. Talk to them. But I think he might do a version of what Zoe's saying where he's just wiggly. So that's fine. It's in there garbage. Where he has to see it, throw it out. I'm using it. You go, this. It can't go in the fridge. I can't accidentally eat that.

[A]

Yeah, and you're being so kind to him. But I think a boundary needs to be firmer than a preference.

[B]

And then he goes, the next night, I'm going to have this weird pretzel while the shower's on. You know where the mustard is. I go, I had to throw it up cuz you used it in the toilet. And you go, well, it's 3:00am I want my we pretzel thing. And you go, well, we don't have mustard because of you. This is why we. This is why we can't have nice things. Jake, could you bring him in the toilet while we're. While you eat?

[C]

This is insane.

[D]

But Susan, but I think you're exactly right.

[B]

You're gonna win, Susan, if you do that call the way you did that call. And then if it's not the way you want, you throw it out. You will have fixed this problem in six to seven weeks total.

[C]

Throwing it out is great because then you're saying, oh, we're out of mustard. We're. We're throwing money in the garbage because you and I can't seem to land

[B]

on a. I don't think we could have more condiments in this house. House.

[A]

Right. There's no condiments left.

[B]

So now if you want them, I guess go to McDonald's, get a little plastic one because I guess we only live.

[A]

He's leaving his mustard in the McDonald's bathroom.

[B]

Yeah, you know, but also like. But you're basically saying we don't have ketchup anymore. You now steal those little plastic ketchups. We have a one and go condiment because you can't handle it. So if you need to.

[D]

I actually thought about that, that. About getting packets. No, but it also doesn't work for every condiment, and I feel like I'm just allowing way too much.

[B]

No, Susan, you do what you do. He can do that. Correct. But if there is condiments in the bathroom, they belong in the trash.

[C]

Yes. Don't get the little packets.

[B]

When are you going to have this talk with him?

[D]

I. I can do it tonight.

[B]

Can you film it?

[C]

Well, blur faces or voice note, record it or just. Just set up the voice note. Please do.

[D]

Yeah, I can voice memo it. Yeah, I can do that.

[B]

And then follow up with us in a couple of weeks to see how it all goes and if it's fixed.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Appreciate the call.

[C]

Thank you, Susan.

[D]

Thanks, guys.

[C]

Truth is on your.

[B]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[A]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis,

[C]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[A]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[C]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdyke, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a hategam podcast. That was a Headgum podcast.

[D]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[C]

Sterling K. Brown.

[B]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[C]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us. That's right. We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[B]

Are we gonna cry?

[C]

Yes, a little bit.

[B]

Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[C]

A whole lot.

[B]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was Us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube

[A]

or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.