289: Friendzone Mamba & Forced Update (with Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris)

Summary

We're Here To Help – Episode 289: “Friendzone Mamba & Forced Update” (with Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris)
Release Date: May 13, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds, with guests Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris

---

Episode Overview

In this lively, advice-driven episode, Jake and Gareth welcome “New Girl” alums Hannah Simone and Lamorne Morris. They tackle two standout listener dilemmas:

1. How to manage an overfriendly neighborhood security guard (“Mamba”) who might be misreading signals.
2. What to do when your future mother-in-law is using your fiancé’s Facebook account to catfish sellers on Marketplace.

The group leans into playful banter, storytelling, and comic improvisation, while also offering genuinely useful advice and a peek behind the curtain of their own friendships.

---

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Cold Open & Dance-Off Debates (00:35–15:00)

• The hosts recount an Instagram rabbit hole that began with videos of a man learning the Dougie dance.
• They humorously challenge each other to a 90-day dance-off bet as an accountability stunt for the show.
• Memorable back-and-forth about dance skills, featuring impromptu calls to their own moms for “proof” of who’s a better dancer.
  • Quote:
    “Your mommy says you’re a good dancer. That’s what you’re saying.”
    — Jake (05:40)
• Plenty of ribbing and energetic storytelling, showing the chemistry between the longtime friends.

---

2. Guest Segment: Listener #1 – “Friendzone Mamba” (15:01–38:43)

Caller: Alma, 23, Political Consultant in Boston

Situation:
Alma lives on a not-so-safe street with her roommates. The neighborhood jewelry store’s security guard, “Mamba” (tall, imposing, friendly), went from being a protective figure to inviting her up for drinks, possibly misunderstanding her friendliness.

Caller’s Question:
How does she “friendzone” Mamba and keep the neighborly, protective dynamic without encouraging anything romantic?

Group’s Suggestions & Banter:

• Immediate advice (20:04):
  Lamorne jokes:
  “Either you show up with an even blacker Mamba … Or tell him you’re lesbian. And then your girl shows up and she’s strong.”
• Discussion on manufacturing a fake or intimidating boyfriend for deterrence.
• Jake suggests a creative ruse—introduce Mamba to the “boyfriend” and ask for gift advice, signaling the relationship status.
• Hannah and others caution that anything hinting at vulnerability or “my boyfriend’s not around” might encourage more attention.
• The group explores humorous (and impractical) deterrents like “fart machines.”
  • Quote:
    “Just as you’re talking with direct eye contact, squeeze it—so it’s these loud—”
    — Jake (25:50)
  • Group laughs that someone somewhere is “into that.”
• They turn toward clarity and kind boundary-setting:
  • Use a collective, roommate-driven conversation and gesture (e.g., handwritten card, group visit).
  • Label Mamba an “uncle” or “dad” figure to reinforce platonic connection.
  • Hannah wisely flags: “Every little inch, people can take it a mile, and then you’re back in the situation.” (31:54)
• Lamorne notes that, as a man in his 40s, if a group of younger women frame your relationship as paternal, “that flirtation goes out the window.” (33:02)
• Other ideas: Involve alma’s actual father or make it a roommate “team” show of thanks (banana bread suggested instead of lasagna).
• Alma appreciates the collaborative approach:
  “I’m loving the idea of me and my two roommates … bringing the card as a team.” (35:05)
• Consensus:
  Be direct yet communal. Give thanks, reinforce platonic vibes. Never handle it alone.
  • “Appreciate you looking out for us … and leave it at that.” — Alma (36:09)

---

3. Guest Segment: Listener #2 – “Forced Update” (44:23–59:10)

Caller: “Kelsey,” late 20s, New England (from California)

Situation:
Kelsey is marrying into a family where her future mother-in-law (age 70) compulsively uses her son’s (Kelsey’s fiancé’s) Facebook account on Marketplace—posing as a much younger man and spinning dramatic stories to haggle prices.

Caller’s Question:
How can she get her fiancé’s mom to stop the quasi-catfishing, and maybe switch to her own account?

Group’s Suggestions & Banter:

• Initial confusion over use of “catfish” (“I thought she was sending pics!”), but group agrees the behavior is more comic than malicious.
• Discovery that the mom’s technique—claiming she’s poor or needs items for her “mom” or “grandchildren”—gets results, but the inauthenticity is weird.
• Kelsey admits she’s more worried than her fiancé.
• Hannah observes the generational clash:
  “In an Asian family … you’re not telling the mother nothing. We belong to them. They’re gonna do whatever they want.” (56:32)
• Jake suggests a techy workaround:
  • Build a nearly-identical “shadow” Facebook account for the mom; have the fiancé claim “I got hacked” and give her the new login so she’s tricked into operating her own account.
  • “She thinks she’s on her son’s Facebook account, but it’s just her account.” (54:22)
• Alternatively, pass the buck to the fiancé’s older brother, but it turns out he doesn’t have Facebook.
• Advice to stage a “forced update” during a family dinner: log the mom out of her son’s account and into the new one while she’s not looking.
  • “Give me your phone, I got hacked … That is the move.” (59:05)
• Group agrees: lowest stakes, but worth resolution for sanity’s sake.
• Kelsey commits to the plan, promising to send follow-up photos. “I think that’s a great idea.” (60:36)

---

4. Community Update: “Suits and Wigs” Party

• A Season 1 caller named Luke checks in:
  Suits and Wigs party returns June 6 in Los Angeles, inviting listeners to join wearing “nice suits and silly-ass wigs.”

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Your mommy says you’re a good dancer. That’s what you’re saying.”
  — Jake (05:40)
• “You befriended a guy whose name is a big black snake. Like, that didn’t let you know, like, there might be trouble?”
  — Lamorne (23:01)
• “Every disgusting thing—there’s somebody … into it, no matter what.”
  — Hannah (26:35)
• “All the women in this room right now with me know that if somebody gets even the slightest idea, they can take that little, you know, inch and run a mile.”
  — Hannah (31:54)
• “The moment you say the word ‘dad’ … that flirtation goes out the window.”
  — Lamorne (33:02)
• “She thinks she’s on her son’s Facebook … but it’s just her account.”
  — Jake (54:22)
• “I got hacked … That is the move.”
  — Jake & Hannah (59:05)
• “Let her catfish this gaming chair!”
  — Hannah (60:27)

---

Important Timestamps

• 00:35 – Dance-off challenge and dance skill debate
• 15:01 – Start of Alma (“Friendzone Mamba”) call
• 22:03 – Advice pivots toward directness and healthy boundaries
• 31:54 – Hannah’s warning about giving an “inch”
• 33:00 – Lamorne on how “dad”/“uncle” framing works for men
• 38:43 – Conclusion of the Mamba segment
• 44:23 – Start of Kelsey’s (“Forced Update”) call
• 54:22 – Technical fix: the shadow Facebook account
• 56:32 – Cultural note on parental boundaries (Hannah)
• 59:05 – “Forced update” family dinner tech switch
• 60:36 – Kelsey commits, episode nears close

---

Episode Tone & Hosts’ Dynamic

The episode is quick-witted, with plenty of teasing, generational perspective, and comic improvisation. While the solutions are packaged in humor, the team frequently circles back to practical, empathetic advice—and does not shy from acknowledging challenges of setting boundaries, especially for young women or in families with strong parental personalities.

---

Takeaways for Listeners

• When it comes to ambiguous or potentially unsafe neighborhood dynamics, group solidarity, overt friendliness with clear “just friends” signals, and avoiding one-on-one vulnerability are key.
• For tech and generational misunderstandings—sometimes a little harmless tech trickery (“forced update”) can restore sanity without family drama.
• Open, communal, and occasionally playful honesty can often address the core of awkward social situations far better than avoidance.

---

For more episodes, early releases, and bonus content, check out the show on Hulu, YouTube, or Patreon.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

Oh, Natalie, I saw something on Instagram that you loved. Multiple that somehow our algorithm caught up to each other, and it was a guy, an Asian guy doing the Dougie.

[C]

Oh, my God, I love him. I've been following him forever.

[D]

I know you have.

[E]

Learning the Dougie.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I feel like a proud mom.

[B]

Yeah. He's gotten. There's this dude, this Asian guy I believe in China.

[C]

I don't know where he is.

[B]

He's like, learn. He's like, be with me while I learn how to do the Dougie. He's one of the worst dancers I've ever seen.

[A]

So bad.

[B]

So crazy. Like, he's literally like. And you're like, never. I was like. And then he goes like, day one, day two, day 30. You're, like, still bad. And you get to, like, day 80, and you're like, he's a pretty good dancer.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And.

[C]

But I don't know if he can do anything else.

[B]

Doesn't matter. He just does the Duggate. But at a certain point, I started noticing Natalie's hearting all these. And then I look. I didn't see any comments, but a lot. A lot of hearts.

[D]

Interesting.

[B]

That pulled me in when I was on the algorithm, and I was like, those mostly aren't the videos I'm into. I was like, who is this guy? And then I was like, natalie loves it. And I was like, maybe there's something here. And then before you know it, I'd watched a few and I think I hearted the day 88. I was like, he dances with, like, another a woman, and they both do it. And I'm like, he got very good at the Duggy. And I did think for a second, should I spend 90 days and learn how to Dougy?

[D]

Yes, you should. I follow this guy who works out one trap every day.

[B]

I. I know who you're talking about.

[C]

I've never seen this.

[D]

This is Get Involved. You like the Dougie.

[B]

It's one arm.

[C]

But why? He was really lopsided.

[B]

No, he's just. He's just doing it for Instagram.

[D]

No, he now is lopsided.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's just gonna be really lopsided.

[D]

Yeah, but guess what? He's probably got, like, a Celsius deal. Okay, this is how it works, Gareth.

[B]

I have a future bet for the show that I want Natalie to maybe be part of, and maybe Jesse could be part of. It could be something. The next big disagreement. The loser has to learn the Dougie or a dance and take 90 days and spend two minutes a day filming themselves. At the end, they have to do a high level dance perfectly. And if they don't do it, if they screw. And not on the first take, like if you get nervous, you can do multiple takes, but on the 90th day or whenever we're in studio, you've got to do the thing. It doesn't have to be perfect, but if it's like, realistically, that's pretty good, it's over. If not, you go back to the drawing board another 90 days, another 90, or until you get it.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

But it's not a daily.

[C]

It's not like, what is this bet that we're.

[B]

I don't know. But if we agree that that's the bet, then we'll figure once we get to a thing where we're all in disagreement, but we're passionate about it, now we know what the bet is.

[C]

None of us can dance. Except Gareth thinks he can dance.

[D]

That's a lot of what it is. They talk to the Korean guy.

[B]

How do you know Gareth thinks he can dance?

[C]

We did this. We did this. Gareth said someone told him he's a great dancer at a wedding.

[B]

And Gareth is not a good dancer.

[D]

I'll sober. Gareth's not a dancer.

[C]

We had this conversation.

[D]

Big swings. Dancing's about big swings. No, I'm not. Because I'm not falling into the trap right now.

[B]

But also, this isn't a trap. And stop yelling.

[D]

You're right.

[B]

You're not a good dancer.

[D]

Okay?

[B]

When you are a charming guy and when you're drunk, you're flirting with some girl and she goes, oh, my God, you're such a good dancer because you're spazzing out and you're committing to movements.

[D]

A lot of it's commitment.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Well, commitment is not meaning good dancing. It means fun dancing.

[D]

Yeah, but I. There's an energy there. I. I'll listen. I'm. I don't want to get into it. I've been at a number of weddings where people have been like, wow, you're a very good dancer. Okay. Pam Reynolds would tell you about this time that I was.

[B]

Your mommy says you're a good dancer. That's what you're saying.

[D]

Stop.

[B]

My mom used to say my brother was the fastest little boy in the world. He's not.

[D]

Eve's delusional. Pam's a realist. Let's just see if we can get a real. And I'LL do this very quickly because

[B]

I don't need your mom to say how good you are. It doesn't mean anything.

[C]

Ask her who she thinks is the better dancer between you and Jake and.

[D]

Hey, mom, real quick, can you. Can you just. I'm in an argument with some people I work with. You doing well?

[A]

Yes, I'm very well, thank you.

[D]

Okay, so do you remember that time we were at that tapas restaurant and they brought me up on stage to dance?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

How did I do?

[A]

Oh, it was amazing. Everybody was stopping on the street and

[C]

watching because it was all open.

[D]

Yeah. And it was really good. Right. And I don't know how to do that sort of dance.

[C]

No, you. But you were absolutely amazing.

[A]

Everybody was drinking sangria and you created a wonderful atmosphere.

[D]

I did. And can I just ask a quick question? Do you think that that is a dance I'm familiar with or. I just kind of picked it up and. And I sort of.

[E]

Yeah, no, you just picked it up.

[A]

I don't think any of us could believe how marvelous you were and.

[D]

Sorry, I just. We're. We're trying to get out of this very quickly, but out of Jake and I, who do you think is the better dancer?

[C]

Oh, gosh, I wouldn't know because I

[A]

don't know Jake for dancing.

[D]

I just know exactly.

[A]

Spinning a wheel.

[D]

Right. Okay. All right, mom, thank you so much. Love you. Okay, appreciate it. Bye. Bye.

[B]

Question for you.

[D]

Enjoy the show.

[B]

No, you don't get to edit, you maniac. What do you think that call with your mommy proved for real that I

[D]

had a marvelous pulled up from the audience impromptu dance session at a tapas restaurant and everybody was impressed. You heard her. People on the street. You heard her stop talking.

[C]

Spectacle like, yeah, it's me.

[B]

A boy jumped up on stage. Who doesn't know to. Don't call her again.

[D]

I really.

[B]

I might call her again. Now, it's not proving what you think. It's proving that your mommy goes, enjoy the show. No, you're not editing it. Your mommy, are you. There your. Your mommy goes. There was a dance step and Gareth did it. And people were walking by and a little 8 year old boy was going like this. I, Margaret.

[D]

And you go, I was.

[B]

That means I'm a good dad. I was a maniac.

[D]

26.

[B]

Wait, hold on. I got my mom on the phone. Hey, mom, are you trying to see whose mother you could get on the phone? Well, mom, you're on the podcast and I'm in a debate with people I work with. Hey, mom, do you remember when I did that break dancing competition outside of McDonald's? Oh, yes, I do. Can you tell Gareth and Natalie about it?

[E]

There was a competition McDonald's held trying to allow people in Winnetka to like McDonald's. So they had a break dancing competition

[B]

in the parking lot and Jake insisted on going.

[E]

He had a Michael Jackson jacket.

[C]

Then he went into the competition.

[B]

Then he danced and danced and danced,

[E]

and all five of the people watched him.

[C]

That was the end.

[B]

And mom, who won that competition?

[C]

Well, I think you only competitor, mom,

[B]

who won that competition?

[C]

I think,

[B]

mom, who won that competition? I guess Jake, I love you so much, Mom. I'll talk to you really soon. God. Bye for now. Further ado.

[D]

No, it's not okay.

[G]

You're right.

[B]

Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu.

[D]

Yep.

[B]

We are also having. Our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. We're doing about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies?

[D]

No. And you can get season one, season two, we're going to have a nice melange on Hulu. But the day early, I mean, there's

[B]

a lot of advantages. Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have hulu. You got YouTube because we're there too.

[D]

Yeah, Hulu a day early. YouTube for stragglers.

[B]

And also you go, I don't have that. We got Patreon.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

They go, I don't have that. What do you want?

[D]

Yeah, okay, Jake, we're. We're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at him, but I think you're right.

[B]

It's just, look, watch this show anywhere.

[D]

There's a lot of options, okay?

[B]

Lose early Hulu's early audio day of YouTube, day of Patreon. No ads.

[D]

Here's the way to remember it. Hulu new.

[B]

So Nulu, it's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff.

[D]

Okay, then. That we call. Yeah. All right. It's falling apart.

[B]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Schedule 35. I have not experienced the microdosing era, but I am open to it in theory. I've got some friends who do microdose on these mushrooms and they love them. And they said it's helped a ton.

[D]

Look, they've worked with people like Mike Tyson, Paul Giamatti, David Dobrik, Lamar Odom, TJ Dillashaw, many others. Schedule 35 exists to build a healthier, more intentional community around psilocybin. I could not support this enough. Psilocybin is, has been transformative in my life. Sometimes it just feels like the world's giving you a back rub when you need one most. We've all felt it, right? You have these nights where, you know, you laugh until the sun comes up. Conversations go places they've never gone before and you walk away and you feel closer to the people around you. Well, guess what? That's psilocybin. We're very happy to be working with Schedule 35, the most trusted name and psilocybin products. Whether you're microdosing for focus and clarity or you're taking full recreational, close to reconnect to life, Schedule 35 makes every experience intentional, consistent and precisely dosed.

[B]

So get 15% off all orders with code here to help at schedule 35 co. That's 15% off at schedule 35 co. And use code here to help. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Saily, the new E sim service. Significantly reduce or eliminate roaming fees with plans in 200 plus destinations designed for frequent travelers.

[D]

Gareth I've had this happen many times where I'll be traveling, I will be like, where's the WI fi? What can I do? How can I get some Internet? And it's, it's very difficult, but that's where Saily steps in. Saily's got affordable prices. It's designed for frequent travelers. You get VIP per perks like airport lounge access, fast track services, advanced security. You can earn credits. It saves you time. You skip the lines for the local EIM card at the airport. It's a one time installation. Install once and use it across different countries without reinstalling. It goes on and on. You're avoiding scams. There's good privacy, security, there's data savings, compatibility support if you need it. You can download the app available for iOS and Android. You, you buy a plan right after that, select a destination plan at competitive rates. Then you install it and you activate and bing, bang, boom, there you are. You're good to go.

[B]

Get an exclusive 15% discount on saily esim data plans. Download Saily app and use code here to help at checkout. That's Saly S A I L Y. This episode is brought to you by Momentous Fiber Plus. It addresses one of the most overlooked foundations of long term performance and that is Gut health.

[D]

I've started using Momentous every single day. They've got tons of great products, but we're here to Talk about the new Fiber plus product, which I am taking every day. Just a little scoop in the juice in the smoothie, and you're gonna get. You're getting more fiber. We're all low on fiber. I just had a. I just had my blood work done and that was one of the things they were like, yeah, get more fiber in your diet. You're gonna be happier. Your cholesterol is gonna be great.

[B]

It is a key driver of gut health. I agree with this, and I've heard this, and my wife talks about this. Which directly impacts nutrient absorption, energy stability, recover focus, mood, and overall performance.

[D]

But listen, it's a science. First formulation, clean, minimal ingredients, all the things you want. No artificial additives, no flavors. If your gut is functioning better, everything else you're doing, your diet, your workout, your recovery becomes more effective. I use Momentous because they have a higher standard. I use a ton of their products and NSF certified for sport, which means it's been third party tested for purity and label accuracy. The same standard extends to details like using real cinnamon bark, which, yeah, some of you are like cinnamon bark. That's right. That it's not just if your animal's name's Cinnamon and you're yelling that. But no, there's cinnamon bark. And it's commonly used for artificial flavors that disrupt your gut. So that's why I love Fiber plus from Momentous. Overall, everything feels better. And it does. It's helped me lower my cholesterol, which I know sounds crazy. So support your gut health and overall performance with Momentous Fiber plus and get 35% off your entire first order at livemomentous.com promo code here to help. That's livemomentous.com promo Code here to help. For up to 35% off. Live. Momentous.com promo code here to help.

[B]

Hello? Oh, hello. Hey, how are you?

[E]

Hi.

[C]

I'm doing great. How are you?

[B]

Can we get your name, please?

[C]

My name is Alma.

[B]

Alma.

[G]

Alma.

[B]

I think that's a sponsor, too.

[G]

Alma's a sponsor.

[C]

It definitely used to be a sponsor.

[B]

Okay. I don't remember what it is, but I remember that name. Alma. Where are you calling from?

[E]

Therapy.

[B]

Therapy. That's right.

[C]

I'm calling from Boston.

[B]

Boston? What are you doing Boston so much?

[C]

I do political consulting.

[B]

Political consultant?

[C]

Yes, I do.

[B]

Yeah. Cool. Pretty cool. And how old are you roughly? Oma.

[C]

I'm 23.

[B]

Oh, you're just a kid.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What's your favorite band of all time?

[C]

The Beatles.

[B]

Okay, classic. You got a new girl special today. You got the great Hannah Simone and you got the great Lamorne Morris.

[G]

What's up?

[C]

What's up, guys?

[B]

Are you listening to the Mess around their podcast yet?

[C]

I've seen a couple. Heard a couple.

[B]

You better get back into it. They're in a good groove.

[C]

Okay, Okay, I will.

[G]

We got a lot of racist stuff.

[B]

They have no racist stuff. But if you're into new Girl, you listen. You're a fool not to check it out. Alma, perfect take away. What is the issue today?

[C]

Okay, so we have a pretty intense issue that's affecting my life a lot. So basically instant off from.

[E]

I know, my gosh, 23 years old.

[B]

True. Wait, you're definitely a mom now, by the way. For sure.

[E]

Like, come on, baby, tell me what you need. What do. What do you want? It's okay. Oh, honey, the eggs are fine. It's not about the eggs. Sorry, Alma.

[G]

Okay.

[C]

No, don't apologize. So basically, me and my two best friends just moved to Boston in September. And we live on like, not the best street safety wise in the entire world, which we realized after we already moved in. And there's a jewelry store two doors down and basically there's a security guard who sits outside in a rolly chair.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

He's like in his 40s, 6 foot 5, like 300 pounds. And his name is Mamba. And Mamba, obviously I wanted Mamba.

[G]

He's black, right.

[C]

And so obviously I wanted to befriend him because why wouldn't I? And so, you know, it's been a couple months of us being like, mamba, my guy, like, what's up? And you know, I think that he took my friendliness as flirtiness. And I know this asked to come up for drinks in my apartment, which is a little scary cuz he knows exactly where I live.

[B]

It's a big jump for him to do that too.

[C]

And you know, I was like, mama, like, not right now, sorry. But then he texted me later.

[B]

How do you get jumping.

[D]

Oh boy.

[B]

How do you get your. Well, nothing's wrong. Hannah.

[E]

How do you get your number, girl?

[C]

I. Hannah, I had to give him my number.

[E]

You did not have to do anything for this man. So how did he. How did that happen?

[C]

Well, he asked me for my number.

[E]

He just asked you straight up, can I get your phone number?

[C]

Yes, he did do that.

[B]

Okay, but how did it happen?

[E]

Like, you guys.

[D]

Same.

[C]

The same interaction. He was like, can I get your number? And I was like, sure. Because, you know, it's nice. He's like, he's like Our own personal bodyguard on the street. Like, it's nice to have some muscle. There have been a couple times where he's, you know, the street isn't the safest, so he's like, kind of, you know.

[E]

Okay, I hear it.

[C]

It's been nice to know that he's next door. So after I give him my number, you know, he asked him for drinks, texted me a couple things, and, you know.

[B]

Hold on. What couple things did he text you?

[C]

So he whatsapped me them.

[B]

Okay. Oh, wait, do we have him here?

[C]

I. Yeah, I sent a screenshot.

[B]

Okay.

[G]

Mamba.

[B]

So he wrote, nice, and then he wrote mamba. Then you did two shaking hands. Then he did two glasses of drinks with Popeye. Yeah.

[E]

Okay. Okay.

[G]

You thought that was him asking you out?

[E]

Yeah. Maybe saying cheers.

[A]

No, no, no.

[C]

He asked me downstairs, and then I said, oh, maybe not right now, Mom. And then he texted me this as soon as I walked away.

[B]

Okay, nice.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

And then drinks, and he just gave you like a cheers.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. So ever since then, I've just been avoiding him at all costs. Like, I cross the street, I pretend I'm on the phone. Like, I put on a hat. You know, a lot of things just because it's just not a great situation. So basically my question is, how do I keep Mamba as kind of like a fun neighbor and some muscle on the street, but to have, like a just friends relationship with him.

[G]

Lamar, I got two. Two options. Either you show up when you with an even blacker Mamba.

[E]

That's what I said. You gotta get a fake. You gotta get a fake boyfriend.

[G]

Boyfriend who's even taller and blacker, who's a big lot.

[E]

You got a task, Rabbit. A big fake boyfriend.

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

Or.

[G]

Or tell him a bad idea. Or tell them once or tell them you're lesbian. And then your girl shows up. Your girl shows up and she's strong.

[B]

Okay, well, she's strong.

[E]

Yeah, you need a. You need a big, strong partner.

[G]

She's strong like you. You know what I mean? Like, she. She got wide back.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

You know what I mean? Like, she. She move you around when you ain't trying to be moved, right? She. You know what I'm saying? She turn furniture over when she. When y' all making love.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

You know what I'm saying?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

You're just like, yeah, I don't think we need any of it.

[G]

Gorilla hands. Okay, see what I'm saying? You knew somebody went like, you playing softball with her. She don't have a mitt.

[B]

She Just catch a raw.

[G]

She just catch that baseball. Let's talk about raw.

[B]

She eats raw chickens.

[G]

She's raw chickens. She drink the blood.

[B]

That's cool as you show up in

[G]

one of them, Mamba gonna be like.

[B]

She just rips a branch. That's a woman right there.

[G]

So you got two options. You go to the football team.

[B]

I don't think they need to be bigger than Mamba.

[G]

You don't think so?

[C]

No, I think it'd be hard to get someone bigger than Mom.

[B]

I think, you know, here's a third option. But I think we're all in the same zone. You know what I would do? I would walk up to mom about have a girlfriend with you and then go, can we get a guy's opinion who's a friend? And he'll go, of course. And you go, you know, we love you, we respect you. We need your opinion. He'll go, whatever it is. And then you go, okay. So my boyfriend, who I've been with for two years, who I love, it's his. Our anniversary coming up. What should I get him that's really special and fun? Who. And describe him. He's the best. You know, you definitely want to marry him. All this stuff, but you just don't even know what to get him. So that Mamba can go away from that. He asked you out. There's no weirdness.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And he could say, like, you know what? Maybe get him this and be like, oh, my God, you are the best. Thanks, Mamba. And then he goes, like, both those women are taken.

[C]

So I have a little bit of a setback from that. I have walked by with a boy who I was seeing before and introduced them. I will say he's nowhere near Mamba's size, so maybe that had something to do with it. But I will also add that I know that Mamba has kids.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Doesn't mean anything.

[G]

He has kids.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

But does he have a partner or just have kids?

[C]

I hope he doesn't have a partner.

[B]

Right. But that's. Who cares? That's not changing. Mom. He's not gonna go, like, I'm not trying to hook up with this girl on my street. Cause I have kids.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

He don't care.

[E]

Yeah. What's their kids concern?

[G]

Mamba. Oh, damn. His name. You should have. Can I be honest with you? You kind of walked into this one.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

You befriended a guy whose name is a big black snake. Like, that wasn't. That didn't let you know, like, there might be trouble.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah. Boundaries from the beginning.

[B]

His name isn't David.

[G]

Yeah, it's not, it's, you know, it's not, it's not even like a, like a, like a, like a strong name, like bruiser or something like that.

[E]

It's Mama. It's specific.

[B]

He's gonna strike you.

[E]

I don't think that's his given name. I think he chose that name too.

[B]

Poisonous.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

He's gonna go, you're not gonna see him. And then he's gonna strike you and you're gonna die.

[E]

Yeah, she just won't know.

[B]

I mean, I mean the snake.

[G]

Or you know what you could do? Move.

[E]

No, no, we're not gonna move. We're going to just friend zone. Mamba.

[B]

I think we have to friend, but I think we now because you. It's a two sided question almost in that you don't want to ruin the dynamic you have with them because you like them and it's a nice thing cooking. I really think the move is. Or if it's not a long term boyfriend. You just met a guy, you really, really like him. Can he, can he give you advice on what you want to do? Because you're like, honestly, this guy might be the one. I've never been into a guy like this. So he, Mamba just knows. Okay.

[E]

Oh, wait. I kind of want to flag it a little bit because the more you pull him into that's trouble. Vulnerability and intimacy. You know what he's going to be like, I'm bigger, better than that man. Watch me and wait. Here's what you have to do is you walk by with a guy, a friend of yours that's going to play along for one time, and you just walk by with him and you go like, hey, mama, this is my boyfriend Dave. And then Dave goes, hey, mama, nice to meet you. And you keep it moving.

[B]

I have an idea.

[E]

That's it.

[B]

That's interesting. I have an idea. Do you have one?

[G]

No, I was just going to say walk by when he says his name. Says his name is like cobra. This is cobra. Bigger batter. Snakes.

[B]

I got one that's a little Python Jones, but I think it actually would work. Fart machine. Hold on. Get a fart machine. Hold on. Walk by him. Have it in your pocket. They're little squeezable things. And then go like, what's up, mama? And he goes like this, hey. And then he goes, how you doing? He go like, good. Just had some like Mexican food. Then he's like, o where? And then go like this, oh, Sorry. And then just as you're talking with direct eye contact, squeeze it so it's these loud. And he goes like, damn, girl. And you go like this. Oh, my God. I just love letting him go. And then one of them going like this. Uhoh. Something came out with it. And you go like this. I just dirted him. And then go it. I'm leaving it in. I'm going back to work with it. And he goes, what? And you go like. I mean, down there. It's disgusting.

[G]

No, Jake. The only problem is he might like it. He might be into it.

[E]

I was about to say, mama's in his 40s. He's got kids. You're sharing all of these things then.

[B]

Now that just the sounds. Just the fart machine.

[E]

He's just. I'll help clean you up.

[B]

Come with me.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

People are weird, man.

[B]

You're right.

[G]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. You're not trying to engage.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[E]

We're trying to disengage.

[B]

Such a home run.

[E]

No, no.

[B]

Also, maybe you two are weird, because that isn't very clear.

[D]

You.

[B]

Both of you are like, no, no, no. I don't think I'm.

[G]

No matter what you say that you think is nasty, someone's into it.

[B]

That's true.

[E]

We had a big conversation about that. I remember in our trailers once in two, girl, right. I was like, every disgusting thing.

[B]

There's somebody.

[E]

Yeah, there's somebody into it. No matter what.

[B]

That's true.

[E]

No matter what.

[G]

Yeah. I don't. Yeah, I think you. I. I just. I. This one is. This one feels a little bit more serious than probably you would imagine.

[E]

Yeah, but we can.

[B]

We can, but we're trying to make it carefree for her and Alma. Do you feel unsafe at all with Mamba?

[C]

I feel safest with Mamba around. Like, I was one time walking with one of my roommates, and this guy kind of like, you know, approached us from behind, like, screaming, kind of. And Mamba was like, hey, you better back up, like. And he, you know, he protected us. So it's nice to have him around.

[E]

That's right. You want to keep him on side, but you don't want the signals to get confused.

[B]

So how do you do that, Alma? What have you tried?

[C]

So I. I walked by with a boy, little guy. And I was like, well, his name Timmy.

[B]

Of course it's Timmy. No one's afraid of little Timmy. That's true.

[E]

It's a mistake.

[B]

Timmy out there.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

Lamore seems never going to recover from Timmy.

[B]

Yeah. Mamba saw Tim and He was like, fine.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[G]

I'll let him watch.

[B]

That's all he wants to do anyhow.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

So you walk by with Timmy and he meets Mama. Mama doesn't care.

[C]

Mama didn't care.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And since then, I really have just been avoiding it. But it's like, it's.

[E]

But he hasn't texted again since. Right, Alma.

[B]

Oh, that's interesting.

[C]

No, he hasn't.

[E]

That's respectful.

[G]

Maybe he got it already.

[E]

Yeah. So is there anything that he's done since the Popeye wine glasses?

[B]

Now, hearing this, it feels like the fart machine would have been aggressive and. Because maybe he just took his shot.

[E]

Right.

[B]

It didn't work.

[E]

And he's chill. Right. He hasn't done anything else to imply that this is. He wants more.

[C]

Well, he had this whole interaction with the text and whatever it was, he was. He would sit outside on a rolly chair, but, you know, Boston gets cold. So right as this happened, he started sitting inside. And so, like, I was able to really avoid him. Oh.

[B]

But, you know, when it gets to

[C]

the weather's about to turn, guys. He literally sits, like, right outside of the door of my apartment in a rolly chair like, every single day.

[B]

Okay? So here. So here's what it is. If it gets warm and he's social again, it's great. If he texts you and asks for a drink, you say, I'm not interested. Yeah, but go. Like, but I appreciate the offer. And if he goes, can I come up to the apartment? Go. You know, I live with two women, and we're not really inviting men up

[G]

there unless it's for lovemaking. He's like, yeah, that's what I want to do. You're like, oh, great. I don't know. Feelings mambo. I was just worried he's gonna fall in love with me, get all emotional.

[B]

But what do you think about being a straight shooter with him?

[C]

I mean, I definitely could. My fear is just that he won't want to have my back anymore.

[E]

You know what I mean?

[G]

I mean, I see what this is. This is episode of New Girl. Explain how when you were doing all the things that a boyfriend would do. Right, but except for the emotional stuff. See, you want him to protect you.

[E]

That's right.

[G]

You want him to, like, make sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

You know what I mean? And then. But, like, you don't want nothing else.

[E]

It's the friends with no benefit.

[B]

Oh, how about this? Start bringing him food every once in a while, like a warm lasagna. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Now they quiet over there.

[E]

All the women. All the women.

[B]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[E]

You trying to play Garfield now? What's up? The warm lasagna.

[C]

Out of nowhere.

[E]

Jesus.

[B]

Ain't no one playing that big like him. He's only one man who could play that sarcastic little.

[G]

That's Lamorne. No.

[E]

Oh, God, no.

[B]

But here's what I'm saying. You bring something else. The gift I'm giving you back is not sex, but the gift I am giving you for this friendship, for protection, is we, not just her, all the roommates, we just want to say thank you. You've been such a good friend to us. We feel safe around you. Play. This is it. Actually play up his ego. It's so nice having an older man, like a dad around or an uncle dad himself. Yes. You know, I just want to say Mama, like, we know you have kids, and we just want to say, like, we feel so safe around you. We feel like we're one of your kids, that we kind of feel like in having you here, we. When we first came here, we didn't feel safe in the neighborhood, but it feels like we have, like, a dad or an uncle. And we just want to say, like, you're the best. And as a thank you, we want to give you this. And he goes, oh, you don't have to do that. And you go, like, no, man. You're like our uncle. And we love having you around so much. And you make us feel so safe. Whenever we see you, we just get so happy. And so can we call you, like, Uncle Mama or can we call you Daddy?

[E]

I was about to say. I was.

[C]

I know what you were about to

[B]

say, but that idea to say you

[E]

feel like a dad to us, but

[B]

don't say daddy like a puppy to us. Hannah, do you think that would work?

[E]

I would just like to say, if you decide to go this route, Amma, what you're going to write in the card or whatever you're going with this thing, send it to us first so that we can proofread it and look at it and everything. Because I think the reason why all the women in this room right now with me know that if somebody gets even the slightest idea, they can take that little, you know, inch and run a mile, and then you're back in the situation. Cause you've kind of fed into it, which is. So you have to just be real,

[B]

you know, you're a woman, but let's do so. Lamar, for real, for you, there was a younger woman, and you thought There was vibage, and you said something like, hey, we should get a drink tonight. She goes, I can't. And then she said to you, hey, I just want to let you know, you've been so helpful to me. I respect you so much without having my dad around. It's been so nice having you. You feel like that. Not like my dad, but, like, that role in my life. And for me and these two other girls, we all really appreciate you like that.

[E]

I know what Lamorne's gonna think. What if he's like these attractive women in their 20s and they said that to him, A group of women in their 20s, he's gonna.

[B]

What? No, I don't think so either. That would be it.

[G]

Yeah. The moment you say the word dad.

[B]

Yes.

[G]

You know what I mean?

[B]

If you have kids, you're like.

[G]

Because I'll be honest with you, every. I get. I get a lot of the older I get, you know, you. You. You start perceiving, let's say, DMS differently. When I was in my 20s, when girls would flirt, you could see it and you could tell it. Tell exactly what it was. Once I became, like, in my 40s, and I would get these DMS, the age range was kind of similar. Mid 20s, early 20s. And they would say stuff like, hey, like. Like, you're like. Like Unc or dad. Like, you're like our. You know, like, we're your kid. They make little bits like that. I immediately throw that out with, like, oh, these. They're not. This is. They're not flirting with their kids. They're legit, by the way, in their 20s.

[B]

Or somebody will be like, like, dad, you did it.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not thinking they're flirting with me. I'm thinking they're little kids who grew up watching me.

[E]

Right.

[G]

Exactly. You know, so when we were, like, doing the show, they were children.

[B]

Totally. Right.

[E]

But if you've initiated and text that girl two glasses of wine, implying you want to take her for a drink, then she.

[B]

But then she flipped it on, so he let out with a move. Yeah, but I'm not saying Alma. Not alone. It's all you guys collectively.

[E]

Can't have one on ones with Mamba.

[B]

You three go together.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And thank him and just say, like, hey, as three women out here, like, we just want to let you know.

[E]

Yes. That this is.

[B]

You've been great. Like, we just feel so much safer it. Honestly, we have that. Like, you just give. Like, we can tell you're a great dad.

[G]

Give him a mug. Give him a Coffee mug that says dad of the Year.

[E]

This is great.

[G]

Yeah, just get him, like, you know,

[B]

I mean, like, start doing the jokes where you can go like, hey, dad. He'd go like, hello, girls. Get in safely.

[G]

And then that flirtation. If he's a decent man. If he's a decent man, that rotation goes out of the window.

[B]

Okay, look, if it's not. But we got to gamble a little bit because she called in with the problem. We're not saying, start talking to Mama, call him dad. She's already in the shit. Sometimes you got to go through it a little bit to get out.

[E]

Yeah. I mean, how do you feel about it?

[C]

Alma, I'm loving the idea of me and my two roommates, Emily and Ruby, going and, like, bringing the card.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

As a team. I'm liking this team aspect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And you might not have to do the most talking.

[E]

Yeah, that's true. Does he only have your number? Does he have Emily and Ruby's number two?

[C]

No, he just has mine.

[E]

So then you talk the least. Yeah, you talk the least.

[B]

And stop giving your number out.

[E]

That's also the lesson here.

[C]

No more. That's my thing.

[G]

I'm a really quick. Which. What is your number?

[C]

Lamore,

[E]

he's a man in his 40s with kids. Alma, we've gone through this.

[G]

You ain't learn.

[E]

I know.

[B]

We thought we had you, and then you said

[E]

you failed the test. Oh, no. You gotta move. You gotta move. Sorry. Next caller.

[B]

Alma, what do you think? For real? Because I think we might. Natalie, what do you think of the lady? Are you gonna say afterwards this was crazy?

[C]

No, no, I think. I think the team effort is good. Just be like. Just be a little bit direct. Like, appreciate you looking out for us.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And yeah, in the letter. Appreciate you looking out for us.

[E]

And we're so glad you have our back.

[C]

And leave it at that. Don't really expand on it.

[B]

Yes, I agree. But maybe the gift could have something to do with that. Then. Then it's like a shirt that says, like, thanks for having our back. No.

[G]

Oh. Can I ask you a personal question? Oh, do you. Is your. Is your dad in the picture?

[C]

Yes, he is.

[G]

Have your dad visit and make small talk with him. You know what no grown man's gonna do? That's also try to sleep with your.

[B]

His.

[E]

Yeah. Dad. He becomes cool. Appreciate it.

[G]

He's not gonna hit on the kids

[B]

no more and then say, wait, is this a possibility? Is your dad near Boston?

[C]

He actually is in Boston. He's in D.C. he's in D.C. does

[B]

he ever come visit?

[C]

Yeah, he does. It's just that the concept of my dad standing next to Mamba. My dad is five foot three.

[G]

So.

[C]

And wears tie dye shirts. And he's my favorite person in the world. But him next to Mamba, they're going

[E]

to love each other.

[B]

But.

[G]

But it's not about intimidation.

[B]

But if he. Yeah, we're not trying to scare Mom. If he goes up to Mamba and just says, you know, my daughter said that you've been a big help. There have been people harassing you guys helped her and her friends. And I just want to say father to father. Thank you, kind sir.

[E]

There you go.

[B]

Here's a bottle of wine.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Just want to say, truly, I'm nervous that my daughter's living here far from me. And a big thank you from dad to dad.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

And then Mama goes like this. My pleasure. Yeah, I can fit you in my little pocket.

[E]

That's the picture I want. Is your dad in the table?

[B]

My little elf.

[G]

And who knows? Your dad and Mamba might end up becoming best friends.

[B]

That's all right. And if it becomes a movie, I want to finance. Yeah, but, Mama, what are you going to do? You guys are going to do the note? You guys. Are you going to go through dad or both?

[C]

I'm. I think the note lasagna route is really sounding good. Yeah.

[E]

There you go.

[C]

Maybe not lasagna. Yeah, my roommate does a really good banana bread.

[B]

Are you going to tell your friends to watch Lamorne and Garfield? I don't think we said. I am excited about that.

[G]

That's right. I'm playing Garfield.

[B]

Hey, almost. So will you send us a photo of the letter and the lasagna or whatever you get, and then if it works, maybe a group. A group photo with Mamba?

[C]

Absolutely, I will.

[B]

This sounds like a big win.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

This is a big win. Thank you guys so much. I'm such a big fan of both New Girl and this show.

[B]

Thank you.

[G]

Thank you. Good luck.

[C]

Thanks, guys.

[B]

Bye. Yes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace, Gareth Reynolds, tell them about your website.

[D]

Well, every. I. I keep building different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace, but I. I've been working with Squarespace for a while. Could not be more user friendly. They make it very easy. And your website looks great. And we've built multiple websites on this show because it's so easy. They really they help you find the domain, they help you get.

[B]

By the way, here to help. Pod.com is our show website that is constantly evolving. And one thing I want to say, and that's a squarespace. Guys, check out the website because it's starting to evolve a little bit. So we've gotten emails from people being like, where do I find the blank in the blank? Well, go to heretohelp pod.com, which is a Squarespace website, to get all the answers you need. Squarespace gives you everything you need. It's got cutting edge design. It's got. You can put donations on there. Fun directly on your website if you want.

[D]

You can put videos on there. There's also is the SEO tools, which for a while I just kept saying it and I didn't know what it was, but I don't know what it is. I'm gonna tell you. It's search engine optimization. So it's like if someone's looking for what you provide, they help you get higher in the search, which can be huge.

[B]

That's cool.

[D]

I think optimization is good.

[B]

There you go.

[D]

Wow. Coming in at the end.

[B]

So check out squarespace.com Gil sent me. Ms. Gil. Can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy?

[D]

Jake Johnson, SEO Tools. Talk about being left behind in the search. That would be Gilbyu, Canada. An island by himself. Things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe. I'm still in the closet waiting for someone to come find me, but actually,

[B]

Gil, it looks like your microphone is not plugged in, brother.

[D]

So sorry, I didn't understand how that was. Anyway, Squarespace slash Gil sent me. We're back.

[B]

Save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain using Gil sent me.

[D]

We're back, baby. Hello.

[B]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quince. Lately, I've been more intentional about what I wear day to day. Leaning into pieces that feel easy, comfortable and put together just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my go to. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are clean, and everything just works without needing to overthink it. This is real talk.

[D]

Literally tomorrow, going on the road for about 11 days. And it's all quints. And it's all quints. If it's not quints, it's because it's soon to be quints. It makes getting dressed easy. And I know that maybe sounds wild to some people, but Quint is my go to. I know that I look as good as I can.

[B]

I have bought probably nine Quint shirts. I do a bunch of the black T shirts and lately I've done the short sleeve collared shirts and I'll tell you why. I can wear it on the pod. I could wear it out socially to a lunch, easy. But I could also wear it to a business event.

[D]

I'm not kidding. I have a closet rack in my Honda Odyssey. This is getting sad, but I do. And it's just all Quint's stuff. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use head to Quince.com here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com here to help for free Shipping and 36565 day returns. Quince.com here to help this episode of

[B]

the podcast is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Brian Farrell, a dear friend of mine and the podcast uses Mint Mobile and says he sees zero difference and has no idea why more people aren't switching. He had I think sprint or AT&T1 of the big ones and I said tell me what you think. And he said honestly, it's just as good. The difference is it's way less money.

[D]

After years of overpaying for wireless, I, like many others, got fed up with crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees and all these free perks and I switched to Mint Mobile. You really are shocked when you realize how much Mint Mobile saves you. Wireless does not have to cost what you think that it used to. So you should stop overpaying for wireless just because that's how it's always been. I was like that for so long. I was in the matrix. Goofy Mint exists purely to fix that old mindset. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at 15 bucks a month. They have it all. They have the high speed data, the unlimited talk, the text delivered on the nation's largest 5G. Bring your phone, your number, you activate it with an ESIM in minutes. I did all this and you start saving immediately. There's no long term contracts, there's no hassle. So you can ditch the overpriced wireless, get three months of price Premium wireless service from mint mobile for 15 bucks a month. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] here to help. That's mintmobile.com hereto help upfront payment of $45 for three months five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month new customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

[E]

Hello.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Oh, hi. Hi.

[E]

How are you doing?

[A]

I'm doing good. How are you?

[E]

I'm good. This is Hannah Simone. I used to work with Mr. Jake Johnson.

[A]

Amazing.

[E]

Lamorne Morris is here too. He's screaming in the bathroom. If you hear screaming, that's Lamorn Morris.

[B]

He's pretending to be he moaning in the bathroom.

[E]

Let's ignore him. Oh, Lord. What's. So what's your name?

[A]

We're gonna go with the name Kelsey.

[E]

Kelsey.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

All right, Kelsey, where are you from?

[A]

Oh, I am from California, but I live in New England now.

[E]

Okay, all right. And how old are you, Kelsey?

[A]

I'm in my late 20s.

[E]

Okay. And what is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?

[B]

Ooh, good question.

[A]

Oh, my favorite thing to do on a Friday night. Honestly, I'm a big fan of like, cozying up in my, like on my couch with my dog, watching a movie.

[E]

Love that.

[A]

That might be my favorite thing to do. Some like, homemade food or some, like, takeout.

[E]

Yes, that cozy life with dogs and doordash. Sit down.

[B]

I think he's leaving.

[E]

Oh, he's gone.

[B]

Bye, Lamar.

[E]

Oh, bye.

[B]

He took a dump and laugh. Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

His exit imaginable. We don't know.

[E]

Kelsey, you wanna, you wanna tell us what's going on with you? Lamorn is back for a moment. He's back for a moment and he's had really the lifesaving pitches of all our calls today. We might need them.

[B]

Kelsey, what do you got? You got Lamore in here.

[A]

Are you asking me my question?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, my. So I'll give you my question and I'll give you some background really fast.

[B]

Did you go to the bathroom and take a dump?

[G]

No. That was a quick dump, huh?

[B]

I don't know.

[G]

I don't do that fast. I like to sit there and romance the porcelain.

[E]

Oh, wow.

[G]

Take my time. Let it slide out. Hey, anyway, go ahead, what's your question?

[E]

Oh, God, Kelsey, let it slide out.

[B]

So

[G]

here's my advice. Here's my advice. Always wipe from front to back. It's more sanitary that way.

[A]

Honestly, that solves my problem.

[E]

She said that solves her problem.

[B]

Bye, Lamore. Kelsey, what do you got?

[A]

So my question is, how do I get my feet. My fiance's mom. To stop cat phishing people on Facebook. Marketplace.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Some backstory. Yeah, yeah. So I. I have been with my fiance for four, seven years. No, I Haven't I've been together for six years and his mom a great guy, his dad a great guy.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

But she like loves Facebook marketplaces. Mom loves Facebook marketplace but she refuses to get her own Facebook.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

And so she uses my fiance's Facebook for herself and like for context, he's in his late 20s and she's 70. So it's a 70 year old woman talking through a 20. It like 29ish year old man Facebook. Yeah. And so. And she and I sent some screenshots to give you guys like a little flavor of some of the things she sends people. But she will like literally say like, oh, could you drop the price down a little bit? Because I'm like, I'm kind of poor, I'm in student debt. And like if you could. Really?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes. Like she's not like sometimes she'll say like, oh, like this is for my mom.

[B]

Like this could really help her. Or so we got some theater style chair and she wrote please contact if price drops significant because have very low budget. Thanks for any consideration.

[E]

Wait a second. First of all, your 70 year old future mother in law wants a gaming chair. Sorry, I'm distracted for a moment.

[B]

Very good point.

[E]

She like Minecraft Fortnite, what's happening in her spare time. She also got the price to drop

[A]

getting it for her granddaughter.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Then it says the seller reduced the price 25. The seller reduced the price to 100. Yeah. So okay, now here's what I'm missing. Here's what I'm missing.

[E]

Kelsey. Yeah.

[B]

She's using the account. I thought when you said catfish.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

As a fan of catfish.

[E]

Huge, huge, huge fan of catfishing. Yeah.

[B]

I think I watched every episode.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

I also watched the original documentary that blew my mind. Okay.

[B]

My daughters watched the show with me too.

[E]

Really? Yeah. To teach them.

[B]

That's exactly right. Yeah. The only person crazy like me.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Most people judge me. I'm like, I want you to.

[E]

No, no, you need to know.

[B]

It's terrifying.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So if they can't go on Roblox, I go like this, somebody chatted you? And they go, yeah. And they go, who's a girl? And I go, remember a catfish. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Could have been a seven year old dude.

[E]

Probably is.

[B]

Probably is. So, okay, question. So what is mom doing this? That's, that's so weird, Kelsey.

[E]

Yeah. That has a negative impact on your fiance. Like is there any negative blowback from.

[B]

She's not saying like let's send each other pics.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So like my Thing is, is that like he like some of the way she says things like it just, it makes him sound like crazy. Like if you were reading this, like if you're reading some of these things and you were like looking at it like from a 29 year old man, you'd be like, what is this guy like on, on some of these things like, like why is he talking this way? Or why is he riding this way? And I just like find it so strange and I like have been trying.

[B]

Is she crossing any lines?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Or she just not using punctuation because

[E]

right now she's getting the prices knocked down and she's getting gifts for the grandchildren.

[B]

Hundreds of dollars down. Yeah. And, and she's not doing anything crazy. She's not saying like, well, I just gotta say as a 29 year old guy, like one of the things about me is blank. She's just saying.

[E]

And she's not going on his main page and like posting pictures or writing status updates. Right. It's just a hustle of price down.

[B]

I hate to say it's mostly for Facebook Marketplace.

[A]

You're right. I will say one of the things like when, when she sent a message to someone saying like, oh, do you know like my neighbor? And like oh, I'm dropping things off at like the school.

[E]

Right.

[A]

Like a 70 year old grandma dropping things off at like an elementary school is okay, but like a 29 year old who has no kids dropping something by like an elementary or middle school.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But is strange. You know what I mean? Like, and so like I got, I

[B]

hear that a little bit actually. I hear that. So sometimes it might, she might not realize because it is very different. A seven year old grandma could do almost anything.

[E]

Does, does her son, your fiance have like an issue with it or is uncomfortable or has been put in situations that it's making him feel like it's a negative impact from this.

[A]

So I, I think I might be more annoyed than he is. All right, I got a P. But like I. And yeah, go ahead,

[B]

you got a catfisher back. You got to start right into the account and make it get weird. You got to offer to sell something that she's going to bid on. So put something on Marketplace and then say to her, oh, I really love that it's just too expensive and she'll go like I'll get the price down. Start a dialogue with her and then it can go sideways.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So that she has to realize I shouldn't be doing this like the, in this sideways. You could say something like Whatever your fiance's first and last name is. Go. Like, stop trying to bargain with me. Like, let's say his name is like, Ryan Jackson. Go. Like, Ryan Jackson, 619 Washington Street. I hate you. And then she's like, no, no, no, no. And then he's like, I'm gonna ruin your credit, Ryan Jackson. So she doesn't really know how all this works.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

So we can put the fear of God that this guy is gonna steal your fiance. And then it goes, you better write to her. Be like, if this isn't the real you, I'll get you for fraud or whatever. So she just goes like, I gotta start my own Facebook.

[E]

Sure, get off of this one.

[B]

Or I have an idea for the next holiday coming up. The gift you're getting her is you set up an entire Facebook account for her. So she. Because she probably just doesn't know how to do it all with passwords.

[E]

Is there a reason? Yeah, she doesn't have her own, like, does she have Facebook account?

[A]

Yes, I did. I did suggest this at like a family meal probably like a year ago because we were talking about, like, I was, I was like, lightly trying to make fun of her, like, oh, like, I saw you got the price down on that, like, chair by pretending like that Connor was trying to buy something for his, like, for his like, like mom who I got a surgery or something. And. And she was like, oh, yeah, haha. Like, I love, like, it's. It's a great way. And I was, oh, like, maybe we should make you your own. Lightly say that. And she just, she's like, oh, no, that's okay. I'll just keep using his. And then. And then that's just how it ended from there. And then he, of course, didn't back me up, so it just kind of left it there. So I tried that.

[B]

I got an idea. Because I'm going to assume she's not great at technology.

[E]

Right?

[B]

Right.

[E]

This is where you relate deeply.

[B]

I'm assuming part of her is like, I'll just do this. Yeah, here's what I would do. Create one that's the same name, but put like a weird period somewhere in it. Same picture, same everything. Tell your fiance to change his password. Then tell his mom. Oh, Mom, I got hacked. So I changed my password. Give her the new one and the new password. And so she signs on, it's exactly the same. She thinks she's on her son's Facebook account, but it's just her account. She doesn't realize it changed. He just goes, yeah, I had to change my password. So this is the new password. And then she'll go like, what? And go. A lot got lost, but there was, like, some bug in the thing. But just use this. And then when she's on, she'll go, like, but that one thing wasn't there that I liked. And go, like, I know. It was a weird bug, Mom. So, like, a lot of the friends got erased. The messages are gone, but we just got to start over.

[E]

Will your fiance go along with that?

[A]

Maybe you do it. I think I do it. True, true. I could totally do that. Like, we see them. Yeah. Like, I can make like. I can do all the making of it. Like, I think he would just need to go along with, like, telling her he was, like, hacked and, like, make her change and, like, give her the new password.

[B]

But, Kelsey, you can do it via text. That you write the text and you just. He sends it from his phone. Hey, mom, my Facebook. My face. Hey, mom, my Facebook account got hacked. Sucks a lot, Got deleted. Next time you log in, use this username and this password, and then we're back in love.

[E]

You also, does your fiance have brothers and sisters? He.

[A]

He has an older brother who's, like, pretty significantly older.

[E]

I was about to say. You could also just tell the older brother and be like, can you take over this for mom and can she log into yours? It's kind of bugging me. We're tapping you in. It's your turn. We've done the catfishing for a while now.

[B]

You're. You're in.

[D]

Yes.

[E]

I would call my brother if it was starting to bug me or whatever, and be like, bro, you're in. Because here's what I will say. The reason why I find it, like, difficult for me to relate to this whole situation is I come from, like, an Asian family. Okay. You're not telling the mother nothing. Like, we belong to them. They're gonna do whatever they want. You think it's your Facebook. I made your whole body. You know what I mean? I'm gonna do whatever I want to do. There would be no rationale that would crack through, but you can get another sibling to be like, it's your turn. It's just your turn now.

[B]

So, Kelsey, what do you think about. I like what Hannah's saying. What do you think about passing the buck? Or what do you think about new Facebook page?

[E]

Yeah, just a shadow account for her shadow account.

[B]

So it's either pass the buck or shadow account. And then she doesn't even know what happened. She's got a new info.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think his brother even has a Facebook, so it probably wouldn't work for that. Like, so I would either have layers of inception, have her take over that, or make a fake Facebook for him and do that that way. So I like, I actually like making a different Facebook because I was thinking at one point like, oh, like we should say that you like got hacked and then like make her her own. But I think she would actually respond better. It's like not even just like, oh, sorry.

[B]

I think she likes using her sons.

[E]

For sure she likes using her sons. I think there is a thing that

[A]

she likes getting a deal.

[E]

Yes, that's right. They see a seven year old woman on there, they're gonna rip her off. That's exactly right. That's going to be her experience.

[B]

And they're a little bit afraid of a 29 year old man. And she's like, I like.

[E]

Yeah. So she's eating it to her advantage. She's by. What did you say? For someone who just got out of surgery for her grandchildren.

[B]

Why don't we get her a photo of Mamba?

[E]

He's getting great deals.

[B]

Um, but I think that's good work, Kelsey.

[A]

No, I think so too. I think that's good. I think I would definitely have to do the legwork because I think if I brought it up to him, he'd be like, just do it yourself. But I am more than happy to do it myself if, I mean, she stops.

[B]

Okay, will you then do this? Will you send us a photo of the new one and the old one? Because I want it to look exactly the same. Just find a way to make it a little bit different in the username that something that wouldn't throw her off. Same pictures. If you gotta like upload, whatever. So I don't have Facebook, but whatever he's got, you've got.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And then text her the info so that she can text you back and you could do it via text.

[E]

You also can sit next to her at the next dinner and log her

[B]

out and re log her in right on her phone.

[E]

That's exactly what. That's what it has to do with you. Give me your phone. I got hacked. I'm still gonna look at you. All the things I got you.

[B]

That is the move.

[E]

You gotta do it.

[B]

You just say like, can't text her the info. No, you're totally.

[E]

You just say log out.

[B]

You're totally right. You go, hey, his phone got hacked. It's really annoying. We got a. A New password to get in. And she'll go, huh? You go, can I just have your phone for a second? I'm going to do something. What? And then she goes, what are you doing? I'm logging you out and logging you back in. And then you go, there is going to be a little difference. You're going to lose some probably messages. But the whole thing got bugged.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she'll go like this. Okay.

[E]

Yeah. One of those forced updates, you know?

[B]

Yeah, forced updates.

[A]

My like only worry is like if someone else who's not him like sees like another Facebook account that's like very similar but not the same that someone else would like, nobody's gonna mark that as suspicious.

[B]

Nobody's gonna see it.

[F]

She's.

[A]

No one cares that much on Facebook.

[B]

No. But also all this woman's gonna be doing is messaging a few people about chairs.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

And they're gonna be posting all the time. Yeah. She's going to ask people to lower deals.

[E]

It's annoying, but it's the lowest stakes humanly possible.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

And if it happens to get shut down, she'll go, I think the bug happened.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

And then go like, oh, Facebook is so. And go. You know, we should actually do. Because his is now getting hacked a lot. Let's just start your own.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

But let's just put a picture of him and say you're 29.

[E]

Yeah. Let her catfish this gaming chair.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

You, you gonna do this?

[A]

Yes. No, I think that's a great idea.

[B]

Great. Will you send us the photos of it?

[A]

Yes, I definitely will email it.

[B]

Kelsey, thank you for the call.

[E]

Thank you.

[F]

Hey there guys. My name is Luke and I was a Season one caller. I originally called for help putting together and promoting a new idea I had for an annual themed party in LA called Suits and Wigs in which people would get together wearing nice suits and just some silly ass wigs. Jake and Gareth were great and we created a website using Squarespace to help promote it and it was a huge success. We had people coming into LA driving from like three, four hours away, you know, just to come and meet up and have a good time. We did not end up doing it last year just to just due to some logistics stuff. But this year we are back and I wanted to invite anyone in the greater LA area from the We're Here to Help community to come out Saturday, June 6th at all season Brewing in Los Angeles. The only rule is you have to be wearing a suit and a wig so interpret that however you see fit. And All Season is a great venue. We had the first one there and they have a full bar plus Mexican food and mocktails and non alcoholic beer so you don't have to even drink if you don't want to. But I would just love to meet more members of this community and of course anyone associated with the show is welcome to come out and have a good time too. So yeah, Saturday, June 6th, 7:00pm at all season Brewing. Suits and Wigs is back. Would love to see you guys there. You can also DM me directly at Luke Stanaway or you can find us on the Internet. I don't have the login anymore for the for the Squarespace website, but the website is still there and we're on Partyful two if you have access to that. Otherwise just come out Saturday, June 6th and I hope you guys are all well. I still listen to every episode and I just love this community. All right, thanks.

[D]

Bye.

[B]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[G]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by

[D]

Chris Faller, theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the Road, go to Gareth Reynolds. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[B]

That Was a Headgum Podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[G]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan and we host

[B]

the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[A]

Each episode we're going to go into

[D]

a deep dive from our show.

[A]

This Is Us.

[G]

That's right.

[C]

We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars, writers and casting directors.

[G]

Are we going to cry?

[B]

Yes, a little bit.

[G]

Are we going to laugh a lot.

[D]

A whole lot.

[G]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that Was Us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.