290: I Have a Dream & Jake, Gareth and Renaud

Summary

We're Here to Help Episode 290: "I Have a Dream & Jake, Gareth and Renaud"

Date: May 18, 2026 | Host: Headgum | Guests: Jess, Cammie, Joe Cool/Roy

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Episode Overview

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds return with their trademark mix of honest, self-deprecating humor and well-intentioned advice, tackling dilemmas from real callers. This episode features three central calls: Jess’s marital driving woes, Cammie’s quest to repay a guitar string debt in Geneva, and a follow-up from Joe Cool on vasectomy logistics. As always, “qualified” advice is delivered with camaraderie and comedic banter.

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Segment 1: Vasectomy Check-In & Locker Room Commentary

[00:35 – 11:44]

Discussion Highlights

• Gareth’s Vasectomy Update: One week post-procedure, Gareth details recovery: wearing a jock-strap, tenderness, no masturbation (“no masturbating for that first week” [01:41]), and how ball skin resembles “Freddy Krueger.”
• Male Locker Room Culture: Both recount awkward experiences seeing older men in gym locker rooms—“Old men would walk. I would never, ever do that. There's no age where I'm like sauntering around like I'm a New England patriot.” (Gareth [06:07])
• Humor & Vulnerability: They oscillate between joking (comparing scrotal skin to Freddy Krueger) and candid reflection about changing attitudes as they age.

Notable Quotes:

• “The balls are age 50 when you come out, they're already weird.” – Gareth [03:59]
• “Seeing old man balls for the first time, man, that's wild stuff.” – Jake [04:32]

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Segment 2: Caller Jess – "How Do I Fix My Husband’s Bad Driving?"

[11:44 – 40:51]

Caller: Jess, HR for a rock climbing gym, South Carolina

The Dilemma

Jess’s husband, Kevin, drives with habits that drive her crazy:

• Always in the left lane, but drives slowly
• Doesn’t use blinkers
• Speeds up if someone tries to pass
• Gets carsick as a passenger, so he always drives
• Oblivious to how frustrating his style is (“he's oblivious to the surroundings” [18:00])

Advice Brainstorm

The Problem:
“How do I fix somebody that has, like, 30 years of terrible driving habits when I'm always stuck as the passenger?” (Jess [15:23])

Suggested Fixes:

• Fake Traffic Ticket: Gareth suggests gifting Kevin a fake ticket for left-lane driving, requiring “traffic school” to instill a new awareness.

• The “I Have a Dream” Approach: Jake introduces the “Martin Luther King Jr.” method—wake Kevin at 3am to deliver a heartfelt (if fabricated) dream about a crash caused by his left-lane behavior, leveraging emotional vulnerability to effect change.

  Key Line:
  “Promise me, promise me if you're in the left lane, Kevin, promise me if there's someone behind you...you'd just signal to go into the middle lane, won't you, Kevin, please, Kevin.” – Jake [23:37]

• Roleplay Practice: Jake and Gareth coach Jess through a roleplay of delivering the dream, emphasizing specificity and emotional impact over confrontation.

  Advice on Execution:

  • Include clear facts in the “dream” that mirror Jess’s real gripes (left-lane, speeding up, not paying attention)
  • Deliver at 3am for maximum sincerity and vulnerability

Memorable Moment:

• “All you were eating was Domino’s. It's terrible for your heart, babe.” – Gareth (Reframing dreams as effecting real-world change) [25:16]

Action Plan:

• Jess agrees to attempt the tactic and voice record it for the show’s follow-up.

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Segment 3: Caller Cammie – "How Do I Repay a Small Debt to a Rude but Generous Shop Owner?"

[44:38 – 57:44]

Caller: Cammie, Geneva, Switzerland (South African background)

The Dilemma

• Three months ago, Cammie received a free guitar string from a grumpy, cash-only Swiss shop owner after her card was declined.
• She promised to repay him but avoided the shop due to embarrassment and now wants to make amends.

Notable Quote:
“This guy was rude, but also super nice, giving me a string for free.” – Cammie [49:16]

Advice Brainstorm

• Jake’s Pitch:
  Bring a gift (bottle of wine, 20 francs), apologize for the delay, and leave the bonus as goodwill, not sticking around for his reaction.
• Gareth’s Pitch:
  Write and perform a short song called “The Man with the Free String.” Even if voice isn’t strong, the gesture matters (or have a friend sing). If rebuffed, just leave the note/gift.
• Hybrid Option:
  Play whatever song she’s been practicing as a token of appreciation. If rebuffed, the act itself is closure.

Key Line:

• “You called in because you felt weird about the situation. So now we're gonna go over the top with a victorious gesture. If he says, pass, let Scrooge pass.” – Jake [54:36]

Memorable Moments:

• Jake attempts, poorly, to mimic a French accent and discusses song options.
• The theme song angle: Suggestion to rewrite the “We’re Here To Help” jingle, including the shop owner’s name.

Action Plan:

• Cammie is excited by the creativity; agrees to record herself (and possibly her friends) playing the song and sending to the podcast.

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Segment 4: Follow-Up: Joe Cool – "Vasectomy Sample Logistics Unwind"

[57:45 – 66:52]

Caller: Joe Cool/Roy

The Dilemma (Recap & Update)

• Previous Call: Struggled to provide a “sample” for post-vasectomy testing; needed wife’s help due to phone restrictions and anxiety.
• Outcome: Wife declined “vasectomy date” due to work and setting. Joe changed jobs to remove the awkward phone-monitoring obstacle; still hasn't completed the sample drop.

Notable Exchange:

• Jake: “So that you switched your job so you could masturbate off an image on your phone.” [61:03]
• Joe: “It was a background pivot, but it was a fact. Like it was an upside.” [61:11]

Additional Banter

• Joe’s attempt to make the post-vasectomy procedure a couple’s experience is lovingly but wryly dissected.
• Jake and Gareth riff on the ridiculousness of Google invites titled “date night, quick trip to pound town.”
• Gareth sums up: “I think we deserve a very quick third follow-up...what the follow-up should be though? It should just be a voice note.” [65:21]

Action Plan:

• Joe is prompted to voice-notify the show when the deed is finally done.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “The balls are age 50 when you come out, they're already weird.” – Gareth [03:59]
• “You called in because you felt weird about the situation. So now we're gonna go over the top with a victorious gesture. If he says, pass, let Scrooge pass.” – Jake [54:36]
• “Promise me, promise me...you’d just signal to go into the middle lane, won’t you, Kevin, please, Kevin.” – Jake [23:37]
• “So that you switched your job so you could masturbate off an image on your phone.” – Jake [61:03]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Vasectomy Check-in & Locker Room Discussion: [00:35 – 11:44]
• Jess’s Marital Driving Woes: [11:44 – 40:51]
• Cammie & The Guitar String: [44:38 – 57:44]
• Joe Cool Vasectomy Follow-up: [57:45 – 66:52]
• Best Quotes/Roleplay on MLK Dream Strategy: [22:02 – 40:51]
• Best Quotes/Roleplay on Song for Renaud: [51:04 – 56:29]

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Tone & Takeaways

• Tone: Largely comedic, self-aware, but earnest in desire to help.
• Advice Style: Mix of the practical, the farcical, and the heartfelt.
• Listener Value:
  • Relatable, real-world problems treated with respect, empathy, and plenty of humor.
  • Memorable, creative “advice pitches” (dream intervention, musical thank-yous).
  • Encourages listeners: You’re not alone, your issues matter, and a little absurdity helps.

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Episode Summary

If you’re looking to solve relationship annoyances, repay odd debts, or navigate the pitfalls of adulting (including medical oddities), Jake & Gareth provide ample inspiration—along with laughs and the assurance that every problem can, at least, be made more memorable.

Contact for future advice: [e-mail]

Listen for: Over-the-top but actionable advice, hilarious roleplay, and real emotional connection sandwiched in banter.

Transcript

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are back. It's been a minute. The vasectomy.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's get into it, Gareth. It has now been a week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A week to the day.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Walk us through what it's like. We are in Mesek. In vasectomy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are vasectomy. I've gotten a couple messages from other vasectomy members.

[Jake Johnson]

Got to tell you, there haven't been a lot of emails. There were so many in March.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is what happens. You get to the table, you buckle.

[Jake Johnson]

I also wonder if we waited too long. March. People are going crazy. There was a lot of. I'll snip, too. I'm in. I'm in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There have been some snippers, but, yeah, maybe not. Well, listen, there's still time, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

You got time. If you're going to do it, hurry, do the snip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go to anyone.

[Jake Johnson]

Voice note.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It took me a while because I had to find a guy to film it. You can get one done quick.

[Jake Johnson]

You can get them like, you can go to Claire's Boutique and get an earring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's a Jiffy Lube. Get in there.

[Jake Johnson]

Walk everybody through what the first week of getting snipped feels like in your genitals. Well, your mentals. Where are your mentals at?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's weird. I think I told you this. Well, first of all, there's the. There's no masturbating for that first week. And then you're. Then you have to start to start to kind of clear the pipes.

[Jake Johnson]

So. Masturbated in a week.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

When's your first time?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it sounds so crazy to say it like Annie, but I think tomorrow. I think tomorrow. Tomorrow.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me ask you a question. I want the honesty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want you to answer it, too. You hear me?

[Jake Johnson]

Moving on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Well played, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The weirdest part.

[Jake Johnson]

Bobby Fischer over here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The weirdest part. I said you hit the clock. I was like, right back on you. The weirdest part is that they are tender. And I had to wear a jock strap for a whole week with, like, gauze in it just to pad it, just to keep it that.

[Jake Johnson]

A week of the jock strap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I wonder if we've scared people away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not that bad. It's. The week is weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, yeah, it is. But now that I'm at the week, I'm like, this is fine now, but

[Jake Johnson]

is the jock strap gone?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Is there tenderness?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A little bit. A little bit. But not a Lot. The second day, my cat scar. It doesn't look like it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but it's such weird skin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just gonna say the scrotum.

[Jake Johnson]

It's perfect skin for a surgery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, this.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, the scrotum is Freddy Krueger before.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like trying to find like, where did he get cut? It's like he's Freddy Krueger. He's made of elbows.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't like to think of my balls as Freddy Krueger face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I felt you're withdrawing and, well, I thought I'd maybe get you back. If I said it three times, I thought maybe it was.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but for me, you said Freddy Krueger and I imagine that scary face. And I don't want my partner where I go like, oh, what a wonderful thing. She's going near my Freddy Krueger balls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think she doesn't know what these are? You know, this is a strange zone.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a strange zone. But you think your balls is like a Freddy Krueger type character down there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the balls. This is horrible. I think the ball skin is unlike any other skin on our bodies. I mean, but you come out with a. The balls are age 50. When you come out, they're already weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not closer to me.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, weirdest part of growing up is going to the YMCA for the first time with a shared locker room. And I know a lot of people have covered. This isn't new territory, but it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is fertile.

[Jake Johnson]

But seeing old man balls for the first time, man, that's wild stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I will never forget a. The first time that I saw, like I was on a, like a canoeing trip and I saw one of the counselors get naked. And I like, it was the first time where I was like, what the. That was weird. Yeah. The ymca. I mean, it's not only because of how the old men's bodies look.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's that they're powdering.

[Jake Johnson]

I know they're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like doing sit ups naked on carpet.

[Jake Johnson]

I know a lot of them also look like if ET were 5, 10. But imagine ET but with those little legs in the arms. But imagine he's 5 10, 5 11, and walking by you and you have shorts, a shirt on, and you're like tying your sneakers because you're going to play basketball. And ET Walks in front of you in full conversation with somebody else going like somebody two aisles over going, well, that's not what happened. It was last When. And you just go, whoa. And then when he walks by, you look away. Then you look back and you see that like, area where a man's butt should be. But it just. As they get older, it's like a vacuum pulls the butt in. You know what I'm talking about? Older than butt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's terrible. Yeah, like, but it is funny. They like will look at you and

[Jake Johnson]

they'll be like, takes everything away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice shoes. And you're like.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like, you got to put underpants on, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, and they.

[Jake Johnson]

They also can't be the guy who says that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll never have that ever.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll never be like the they. They used to. In our childhood, old men would walk. I would never, ever do that. There's no age where I'm like sauntering around like I'm a New England patriot.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me tell you something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why it was so weird with Kyle in the room during the ve. I was like, this is very strange.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me tell you something. Where you and I separate. I go to. I go to baths.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I know. I've done. I've done one.

[Jake Johnson]

And once I'm in the zone. Don't care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it just.

[Jake Johnson]

But if there was like an 18 year old. If there was a 18 year old kid wouldn't like it. I like it when it's 40s and up looking for like 27 year old guy in there where you're like. And I'm. I don't even care how his bodies. I'm just like, you're a little bit too young for this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't like it. I don't like any of it. I've got a steam room sometimes I'll go, all right, whatever. I don't like it. I don't care for it now. I mean, I had the jock strap on for a week and I was alone and I thought, this is not okay.

[Jake Johnson]

How many times has Kyle seen your penis?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is two times. And they're both through a vasectomy.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean? You heard of vasectomy? Twice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. He said he was there for the prelim and there was, let me be

[Jake Johnson]

honest, know, Kyle a little bit after. Has he ever said anything?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He seemed. I saw him a couple nights after.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He said it was tough for him to watch. He said it.

[Jake Johnson]

Did he give a compliment about your genitalia? Because it takes a certain kind of man. And I only say this because it minks. There were so many naked penises and every once in a while I would push myself to walk up to an actor with his underpants off and go, good for you brother. You've been blessed. And is one of the reaction I

[Gareth Reynolds]

like how you said you're not going to be the old guy in the locker room either. That is. What are you talking about? Hey everybody, we just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help. It drops a day early on Hulu so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Function Health. I gotta tell you, Function Health is something that I did. I got the blood work done. I was excited to kind of take more control of my own health and just to see what was going on with it. I really enjoyed it. Told me that I have high cholesterol, which is a drag trying to figure that out. Everything else was looking pretty good. I'm not going to lie, I was doing pretty good. Immunity was low. Fine. But there's something else I need to tell Everybody said my biological age was 39.28 and a half years younger than my calendar age. So I just want to say thank you to Function Health.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, welcome to our podcast. We're here to help. Can we get your name, please?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yes, my name is Jess.

[Jake Johnson]

Jess. Where are you calling from, Jess?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I am calling from South Carolina. Just like outside of Charlotte, right on the border.

[Jake Johnson]

And what's your day to day, Jess? What keeps you busy?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I work for a rock climbing gym. I'm like HR for rock climbing gym.

[Jake Johnson]

I wonder if it's about this in rock climbing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Venn diagram for here to help in rock climbing.

[Jake Johnson]

Because you're not, are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, neither. I did it once and I honestly it was embarrassing same because I did it like up in Arizona like on

[Jake Johnson]

a. Oh, no way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And I really was that with the

[Jake Johnson]

you and Evan show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it was the travel show and it was really.

[Jake Johnson]

You repelled.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I climbed it and then yeah. And then repelled and repelling by far the worst. I you know how it is like if you get up on something like ah and then you don't think about the down. And I got up there and I

[Jake Johnson]

was like, oh, terrifying. I had to repel with the Tom Cruise movie. So we had to practice repelling off huge things. And he would make fun of me because I was truly afraid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember we could cut this out, but you told me a story about. You were like, does this scare you?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He said. And he was. He was like, no. He's like, if I was. If I was falling and the rope went, maybe I'd get a rush. Like, that was all that was left for him.

[Jake Johnson]

He said. He said. I go, we were hanging at the top of a sound stage, and our feet were dangling or his feet were dangling. I go, doesn't that scary? And he goes, no. And he goes, I know I never would do this, but everything in me wants to jump. But he goes, but I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die, but I do want that rush. And I went, like, I don't relate at all. Just. What's going on? What can we help you with today?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay, so I'm calling because I need some help with, I guess, a big marital issue that I'm having, unfortunately. It happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. These two guys are gonna help you figure this out for sure.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

It happens every. I get in the car with my husband. So for some context, I'm up from upstate New York, and my husband's from the South. And every time I start to think about this, I guess, like, the regional stereotyping for driving, it might be true. Where I'm from, people drive with, like, a purpose. And my husband drives like he's out for, like, a joyride.

[Jake Johnson]

Every time we're in the car, he goes slow.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yes. So he loves to just always drive in the left lane. He doesn't keep up with traffic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That drives me crazy. The people who have no clue that the left lane is for fast.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yes. He doesn't use his blinker. And then the worst part is, like, when somebody tries to pass him in the right lane, he speeds up all of a sudden. Like, he doesn't know if it's a conscious thing or not, but he'll speed up so that they. Yes. If there's an accident on the side of the road, he'll slow down and, like, move over so he can there. And then I'm stuck to just sit in the passenger seat and just check the mirrors and watch the traffic pile up behind us and, like, panic. And it's literally one of my biggest pet peeves. So the problem I have is that he gets extremely car sick if he's not driving. So I'm always stuck as the passenger. So my question is, how do I fix somebody that has, like, 30 years of terrible driving habits when I am always stuck as the passenger in a car with him.

[Jake Johnson]

This is not going to be easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not going to be easy. It really isn't, because this is a hard problem. It really is. I mean, look, I'll be honest. We haven't written the prescription, but it is going to be from the lie department. I mean.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I can't think.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I think, like, the only. My first blush. Well, first of all, it is insane. I have been. I. I drive back and forth across the country. Watching people be dipshits on the road drives you crazy. But being in the car with someone and they are the worst is very difficult. People FL like speeding in the right lane, sitting in the left lane, not paying attention. Everybody's texting. It's horrendous.

[Jake Johnson]

So how do we get this? Because I. I agree with both of you guys. I also have to say, Jess, I'm a slow driver.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you sitting in the left lane? No. Okay. Because there are people who don't know about that.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no. That drives me nuts. There is rules to the road.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But when I'm on the highway, I cook on the right side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do, too, now. You know, I definitely do.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I also recognize the rage of when someone. If it's really when you're in the car and someone's being a dipshit, it's like when someone is terrible at a restaurant, like, they don't know how to. They are bad at tipping. They are. They have no clue about it. Drives you fucking nuts. But you can't go. You're a bad customer. You just kind of sit there and go like, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Jess, what have you tried? Actually,

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I. So I've tried. Obviously, I'm very passive, so I don't like to be mean and say things, but I'll make little comments of, you know, like, oh, there's nobody in the right lane. Do you want to slide over to the right and let the cars behind us get by you? Or, you know, the worst is if there's a car in front of us that's, like, slammed on their brakes, and I know he's not paying attention, and then I'll have to, you know, clean to the door and just like, hey,

[Gareth Reynolds]

why is he in a car? Why isn't he paying attention? He's looking.

[Jake Johnson]

He's just something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is he looking at his phone?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

He's looking out the window.

[Jake Johnson]

Shiny things distract raccoons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jess, you married a dog.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I love him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the right is the main gripe. The fact that he sits in the left lane with no clue that everybody on the road hates him.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I think it's the. Yeah, he's oblivious to the surroundings. And then if I mention it, I get the. Well, I know how to drive. I've been doing it for 30 years.

[Jake Johnson]

On this, Jess. And Gareth was right. We need you to be as specific as possible about what we could help you with, because. To help you change the way a man drives entirely who's not 14 or 15 and just started, this is tricky stuff. This is like, you know. But if it's something specific while driving, we could maybe tackle that and we could maybe chip away at this problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's kind of right. I think we can open the door with the biggest one, and then we

[Jake Johnson]

could slowly start mushing them the right way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Out of all the things you've talked about, the thing to me that shows the, like, he no concept of what's going on is sitting in the left lane terrible. So that to me is like, if I'm driving, I. That drives me crazy when someone's like, oh, you want to race? And you're like, no, you're going 45 in a 70 in the left lane.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to move your ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, that is illegal. There are people don't know. Like, not everyone gets ticketed for that, but there are certain states where they do pull people over for sitting in the left lane going too slow. My first pitch would be, let's tackle that one. And that is a way to tackle some level of obliviousness on his part. But you probably have to bite the bullet. I would suggest you come back with a fake ticket saying that you got pulled over for sitting in the left lane not going fast enough. That's a law they're starting to enforce. Then you have to do, like, a day of traffic school that you're fucking bullshitting. But then I think that gives you big.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then that gives you the right. Then anytime you're sitting there to go, honey, you're gonna get a ticket. Honey, you're gonna get a ticket.

[Jake Johnson]

But we can do this with all this insanity. How about this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can order fake tickets.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah? But then the a day where she's sitting at a mall being like. And then he goes like, how is traffic school? And she goes like. I mean, let me make a bunch of weird lies about that. Now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She does it online. You do it outline.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so then what if he's home? And he goes, well, that's a problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She does it when he's not Then

[Jake Johnson]

she's like, okay, we got to go on Squarespace, create. And then we're going to get involved and be like, hey, Morgan, do you know how to create a Squarespace website?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Walk me through the first problem that you're pointing out in this, because so far, you've just pushed the pitch in the right direction.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's my kind of thought on the idea of a lie. But before we do that, Jess, I just want to be clear with you. I like what Garrett did. He identified a problem and he started fixing it. That tells me he's a goddamn pro. Here's the thing he missed. As a attorney. We're not positive that's what you were actually asking for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're welcome. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But he was ready to get you in an Astro van and get you off the lot. I don't know if you walked in and said, I need a van. I got a family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Before you say no. By the way, you look fantastic in the seat of this fucking thing.

[Jake Johnson]

And so, Jaz, what is the specific thing he does? Because you said, not paying attention to his surroundings. So we could maybe pitch on that. But if we're going to do, like, a fake ticket or a line, the only way you prove that is if he's swerving lanes or he's hitting things.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

And he's done that, too. I mean, I do agree, like, driving. Driving in the left lane is one of my big pet peeves. That is a big. That is a big one. So, I mean, I will take that. That would be a huge win.

[Jake Johnson]

So if we just got him out of the left lane, for starters, and that worked, you would feel that was a win, and then we could maybe come back with the next one. Is that kind of what your heart's saying?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, I would. I would definitely take that as a win.

[Jake Johnson]

I got something really stupid. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go.

[Jake Johnson]

It might work, but it is stupid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's go. Let's.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm calling this Martin Luther King Jr. That's a bold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, just to be clear. That is a bold title for your. We're here to help. Car pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Jess, you had. You had a dream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Jake Johnson]

And in your dream, okay. Swerving around in the left lane and got killed. And you are not someone who pays attention to dream. But you wake up one morning and go, like. What's his name?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Kevin.

[Jake Johnson]

You go like this. Oh, Kevin. Oh, Kevin, you're home. You're George Bailey and it's a Wonderful life. You're kissing it. He's like, you're like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not Hurt?

[Jake Johnson]

You're not hurt. Did you not hit those little orphans? And he goes like, what are you doing? And you go like, I had a dream. It was so real. You were there, and I was there, and your work truck was there. And he goes like, what is happening? You go, you were in the left lane, the way you do, where you drive slow and you were rubbernecking, the way you do where you just weren't paying attention to the world. I'm not fighting with you, Kevin. It's just how you drive. And he goes, I don't drive like that. And you go like I do. Again, I'm not fighting with you. I'm so glad you're alive. But I had a dream, and we were in the car, and then, Kevin, there was a bus and orphans came at. You hit them. You killed them. And then you hit a tree and you died. And you play it like you're just in that wake. And he goes like. And you go, hey, Kevin. Like, this was so real to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Promise me. Promise me you won't do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Promise me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Promise me you won't do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Promise me if you're in the left lane, Kevin, Promise me if there's someone

[Gareth Reynolds]

behind you in the left lane, you'd just signal to go into the middle lane, won't you, Kevin, Please, Kevin.

[Jake Johnson]

Promise me, Kevin, you'll drive on the right side if there's accident. Kevin, please, Kevin, slow down. It'd be weird. Kevin, please, Kevin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The orphans, Kevin.

[Jake Johnson]

And everything you want. Because you had a dream here, Kevin, and it scared you. See, it scared you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know it might seem funny, Kevin, but it's not funny to me to be Kevin. It's a real.

[Jake Johnson]

And you're pounding his chest.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

See,

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Before anything else gets said, I actually like this a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it will work. My wife has done that a couple times. Where early in the morning, she's like, I just had a crazy dream. And I was like. She was like. And then I go, like, okay, I won't eat meatloaf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I Honestly, the amount of times I'm like, you know, I didn't cheat.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know that. That didn't happen, right?

[Jake Johnson]

But that's not real. But then you go, but I'm more than willing. In this irrational state of emotions, your unconscious taking over, I will make changes. I don't want you in this amount of pain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that is so accurate, that there is something. There is like the communication. There is one where a man's mind doesn't know how to defuse that Bomb

[Jake Johnson]

early on, early, first thing in the morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the only real option is to just make some concessions because you're like, yeah, look, I'm done with pizza. I'm done with pizza.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, fine. If you. If I had a heart attack, I was eating pizza. I won't eat pizza for a while. But I'm telling you, I just went to the doctor. I'm healthy. And you go like this. But I saw you. You were dying. You were dying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All you were eating was Domino's. It's terrible for your heart, babe.

[Jake Johnson]

So if we're gonna get pizza, it can't be Domino, see?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It can't be. Don't you understand?

[Jake Johnson]

It won't be Domino's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, Just promise me it won't be.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Jazz, question for you. Can you cry on command?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Oh, God, I don't. I mean, I'm a horrible liar, but, yeah. I mean, I could. I feel like maybe I could sell it. I will say, I don't know if I could cry.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, you don't have to cry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, first of all, if he wakes up and she's just got a little Visine prepped on her face, something like that could work. But we maybe don't even need the tears.

[Jake Johnson]

We might not even need it, but. Because as soon as you guys both wake or you know what you do, Jess, and this is real weird, but this is going to make it easier for you. You wake him up at about 3 in the morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's great.

[Jake Johnson]

So you're both in that weird state.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's great.

[Jake Johnson]

And the whole thing takes five minutes and then go, promise me. Promise me, promise. You go back to bed, and you go, like, did that happen? And he'll be like, that was crazy. You're like, hey, Kevin, you got to change the way you drive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was so vivid.

[Jake Johnson]

And they go like it, really? And go, this is crazy. And it's really scary. But you got to change the way you drive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's also.

[Jake Johnson]

I promise you, honey, it's. It's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's basically blaming your subconscious for dragging out something you've tried to be polite about.

[Jake Johnson]

It's also entering the woo, the spirituality. You go like, yeah, because then he'll go, like, if now I got into a car accident, like, I don't know, maybe my wife has weird visions. We all want to go like, she doesn't. But you never know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't. As a guy, just. I don't know how I'd win that argument. I would. Like, I could see in a car being like, come on now, get to the right lane. Because that dream. And I'd be like, is a dream. But I'd still be like, I'm gonna let it go.

[Jake Johnson]

You get to the right lane. So, Jess.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Mm.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you thinking here?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I like that. I think I like that one a lot because I. We have like that moment every now and then where, you know, you wake up in the morning and you're like, did that happen? Did you wake up? So I feel like that one is you. Like the 3:00am Yeah, I think that one would definitely work.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Jess, it's 3:00am I'm Kevin. Let's see what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This has to happen.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Jess, I'm gonna tell you this. I'm not gonna give you a lot and I'm not gonna turn this into a comedy beat. It's gonna be quiet, it's gonna be 3am and we're gonna see how you sell this for real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And for the record, I would have made it a comedy. It wouldn't have been helpful and it had been a short term gain for me, potentially.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do this really fast. Let's start with Gareth as Kevin. Let's give him at least one take.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Thank you, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

3. 2. It is 3:00am Jess, wake up when you're ready.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Wake up, wake up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Goddamn dinosaurs are everywhere. Get out of here.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I just had the worst. I had the worst dream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm still asleep. Don't you understand?

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, you're in the tone of the anti.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna call a self cut, which I've never done on the show before, but go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy, holy. It's taking almost 300 episodes. The first time in 20 years of friendship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm passing. I'm passing. I don't know what happened.

[Jake Johnson]

You did Auntie M. You went like, I'm fighting dinosaurs.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

See?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, J. I think I just

[Gareth Reynolds]

felt what you always see.

[Jake Johnson]

We've worked, we've done this too long. When we're. And by the way, I felt yours. I was like, why wouldn't we do a comedy pass. K is totally right. It makes no sense. I literally told her, I'm not going to make jokes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I proved you right. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Jess, I'm Kevin. We're in bed. Three, two, whatever. You want to wake up, just wake up and start this weird thing.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Babe. Babe, wake up.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, What?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Don't. Tomorrow, when you're going to work, don't drive in the left lane. Don't make sure you're not driving in the Left lane. So I had. I had a horrible dream. Just don't. Going forward. Don't drive in the left lane. I had a horrible dream that you. You crashed. You crashed the truck and you died. You cannot drive in the left lane anymore. Just always stay out of left lane.

[Jake Johnson]

I just can't. What are you saying?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Just anytime you're driving, just stay out of the left lane. Just you. I had an awful dream. Like, you were in the truck and you crashed and it blew up and you died. Just don't drive in the left lane, please. Please don't drive in the lane.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, what if I want to go faster?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Just you don't go fast. It's fine. You don't. You. You don't drive fast. It's. Just stay in the. Out of the left lane.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, let's cut for a second.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're getting.

[Jake Johnson]

We're getting there, but it's not quite there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think what we're. It's great. I think your acting is great.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think what you should say is it's an opportunity to sort of unearth the actual note a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, so I would say and all that. Don't go in the left lane. He's going. Why? What are you talking. Look, babe, sometimes when you're in the left lane, you don't understand that. Like, it's for fast people and they just.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. This is. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't. I'm not trying to be rude, but I just don't feel like you should be in it. And the dream just confirmed that. I'm telling you, this was more of a premonition. Just. Babe, promise me.

[Jake Johnson]

Promise not. Or I hope it's not one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Just promise me you won't go in there. Just don't worry about the left lane, please. You know, something like that. But give your note in there a little bit.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Really good. But I would for sure start with I had a dream. Don't start with, don't go in the left lane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. And I wouldn't be afraid to do a little bit of the. It's a Wonderful Life if you can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Kiss, kiss. Oh, my God, I love you. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe hold him where he's like, what is going on? And be like, you're alive. You're alive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, that's great.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm just telling you, if. If my wife wakes me up and goes, don't go in the left lane, my first thought is, get out of here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

If it's first, I'm So glad you're alive. I go, me too. I didn't know I was almost dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't you say this? This was the dream you had. The dream was that he was in the car. He was driving in the left lane. Someone was trying to overtake him. He sped up. That person went into the lane. He had to veer off the road. He hit a bus full of orphans and the bus exploded along with him. Like, if you could be specific with what the dream is, that helps you. You say your gripe in the dream and then you can make that transfer to real world. Something like that.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Oh, wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that way you know the dream because that. If he's like, what was the dream? You want to be able to say, this was the dream.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, let's have you be Kevin and let's just see if it shakes it, okay? Okay. Ready? And, Jess, we need you to nail it on this one. You're very close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You really are.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, but here's what. But. But here, keep in mind, this is when you're telling him very specifically what you don't like about his driving, that he has to change. It can't be vague.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

3. If you're willing to buy a hat on our website, you can adopt a chimp with Jake and Gareth and go,

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Babe, wake up. Wake up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Hey.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I just had the. I just had the worst. No, I just had the worst dream. I'm so happy you're alive. Oh, my God. I just had the worst, worst premature dream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What happened?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Oh, man. You. You were driving. You were in a. You were in a car and somebody was trying to take over the car, and it. And it swerved and it hit a bus full of orphans and. And it, like, you died and exploded. It was so bad. You were. You were driving. It was like you were in the left lane. This all happened and it was just. It was so bad. And just.

[Jake Johnson]

What's going on?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I think it was.

[Jake Johnson]

It was me, Roy, because this is a throuple.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

It was a. It was a huge. It was a huge. Just premonition because of how much your. Your driving stresses me out.

[Jake Johnson]

You stop talking and we all rolled around under these sheets, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is between us right now.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll turn around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not going to help, babe. Be. Be really specific. Like, what was the dream? Because it felt a little. You were kind of convoluted. So what was the dream? You were driving. Just a little bit. But don't talk while we're.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Because he's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dude, she just went through Some so wanna kiss?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please.

[Jake Johnson]

You were driving this lunatic out of the bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She. We were here first.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We were here first. Then we brought you in because we been together for a while, so. Please.

[Jake Johnson]

She always criticized your driving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's not. She had a dream. Roy. Go ahead, babe. What was the dream exactly?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

You're driving is just. It's stressing me out so much, I'm having these premonition dreams now that you're. You're crashing because you're not driving the way you should be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's very specific and good. It is.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

And it. You have to be. You have to be better. Just not follow the rules of the law. The road.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And what rules am I not following?

[Jake Johnson]

Jess, you nailed it. You nailed it.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

It's great.

[Jake Johnson]

I had to do more specific. Terrible accident. Because you weren't following the rules of the road. You have to follow the rules of the road. I can't mess around with this. He goes. Huh? If you're in the left lane, you've got to drive fast. If there's an accident, you can't. All the things, name them and go

[Gareth Reynolds]

pay attention when you're driving these.

[Jake Johnson]

This has to change now. I mean it. Okay.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go one more time. I'm gonna give a note that Roy's not in a bed and you guys are not in a throuple. I think that was a mistake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But now why are you. That is a note for one person.

[Jake Johnson]

For me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Three.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be honest. I like droid. Lock in, Jess.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two. Higgly. And you can buy a hat on the website and adopt a check.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm lucky to be included on the hat. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

You weren't in the first take. It was this that I got. Look, I got said. We should throw Gareth on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're the man. I've done very little.

[Jake Johnson]

You're good. His feelings are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will not. I understand. I've done nothing. Oh, God. Sleeping. I'm. Kevin.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Kevin. Kevin, wake up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? What are you.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I just had the worst nightmare. Oh. Oh, no. I'm so happy you're alive. Oh, my God. I had the worst nightmare. It was like a premonition dream. You were. You were driving in the truck. You were driving in the truck and somebody tried to grab the steering wheel while you were driving and it. You crashed into a bus full of orphans.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope, that's not what happened. Nope, nope. Nobody grabbed the steering wheel. It's all gotta be on me. Start again. I'm waking up. Hello.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

You were. I'm so happy you're alive. Oh, my God. I just had a dream that you were in the car and it crashed into a bus full of orphans. And I'm just. I think it's a premonition. I'm having, like, stress dreams because of. Of your driving, and it's. You have to. Oh, my God. You have to be better. You're stressing me out, and you have to follow the.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

The rules of the law, like, the

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

laws of the road. No, it's. It's giving me stress streams now. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What. What were you talking?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Like you're dying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What am I not doing?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

You're. You always drive in the left lane, and it's not meant for that. It's meant for people that drive fast. And you. You have to. To stop doing that. You have to follow the rules of the road, and you're making me. You're causing me this anxiety to give me stress dreams and premonition dreams now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I. I drive funny.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I think you're gonna die. No.

[Jake Johnson]

You know where I think. You know what I think, Jess?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I think I'm derailing.

[Jake Johnson]

No, it's good. I think you're right there. I think you know what to do. I think it's going to work. And I think you need to do it tonight and record it.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

With a voice note, because that's going to give you a little bit of pressure to actually do it. I wouldn't. Keep practicing. It's going to get you in your head. Think right before you wake him up, all the stuff that annoys you about his driving, and tell him, here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what's good. I've been having dreams. Like, it's reoccurring. So you've been kind of bottling this in for a minute, and you can't take it anymore. You said that on the last couple takes. I think that's really good. I think the premonition thing and just the specifics, it's all. He did it.

[Jake Johnson]

And you. The goal of it is you're making him promise he will change the way he drives. That's the ending.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And what's great is going forward, if you're in the car with him and you feel this. Yeah, babe, please go to the middle.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, I'm. I'm having deja vu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

And he'll go like, God, you're insane. You go, because I'm every. Deja vu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Middle lane.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you. It's Thursday right now. We got a weekend coming up. Will you do this? Either tonight or Saturday night. So that Sunday morning you guys aren't dead tired at work.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And then will you record it with your voice note? You'll got to wake yourself up a little bit before him get it prepared. Let's make sure we can hear you. I don't. We don't need to hear him as much. I wouldn't hate it, but don't let him go. Like, why are you recording this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why do I have a lavalier on?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, exactly. Who's that boom operator?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was that Roy?

[Jake Johnson]

Hello? Do you mind if we kiss given. But can you do that asap? Because I think hearing it we might have to do a follow up or. We're going to win off that follow. Oh, we're going to win off that voice note.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay, yeah, I can do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Jess. I think this is going to work. You got to really commit to it, Jesse.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay, I will for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And like Jake said, this is the most important dream since MLK's. Go ahead, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. And the end of it. Do not forget, do not ramble. I need you to promise me you will make a change with your driving. And if he goes, let's. Until he goes. Deal. And then you go, let's go back to bed. And then Roy jumps on and whatever you guys want to do for 15 to 20 minutes, we're not here to judge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love this fantasy. The time frame is very realistic.

[Jake Johnson]

We're all getting older.

[Gareth Reynolds]

15 is nuts.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so thank you so much for the call.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Thank you guys. I appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace, Gareth Reynolds, Tell them about your, your website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, every I, I keep building different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace, but I, I've been working with Squarespace for a while. Could not be more user friendly. They make it very easy and your website looks great. And we've built multiple websites on this show because it's so easy. They really, they help you find the domain, they help you get.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, here to help. Pod.com is our show website that is constantly evolving. And one thing I want to say, and that's a Squarespace. Guys, check out the website because it's starting to evolve a little bit. So we've gotten emails from people being like, where do I find the blank in the blank? Well, go to heretohelppod.com which is a Squarespace website, to get all the answers you need. Squarespace gives you everything you need. It's got cutting edge design. It's got. You can put donations on there. Fun. Directly on your website if you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can put content on there. There's also is the SEO tools, which for a while I just kept saying it and I didn't know what it was, but I don't know what it is. I'm gonna tell you. It's search engine optimization. So it's like if someone's looking for what you provide, they help you get higher in the search, which can be huge.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think optimization's good.

[Jake Johnson]

There you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Coming in at the end.

[Jake Johnson]

So check out squarespace.com Gil sent me. Ah, Ms. Gil. Can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake Johnson, SEO Tools. Talk about being left behind in the search. That would be Gilbyu Canada. An island by himself. Things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe. I'm still in the closet waiting for someone to come find me.

[Jake Johnson]

But actually, Gil, it looks like your microphone is not plugged in, brother.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So sorry. I didn't understand how that was. Anyway, Squarespace slash Gil sent me. We're back.

[Jake Johnson]

Save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain using Gil sent me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're back.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quince. Lately, I've been more intentional about what I wear day to day. Leaning into pieces that feel easy, comfortable and put together just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my go to. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are clean, and everything just works without needing to overthink it. This is real talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Literally tomorrow, going on the road for about 11 days and it's all quints. It's all quints. If it's not quints, it's because it's soon to be quints. It makes getting dressed easy. And I know that maybe sounds wild to some people, but Quince is my go to. I know that I look as good as I can.

[Jake Johnson]

I have bought probably nine Quint shirts. I do a bunch of the black T shirts and lately I've done the short sleeve collared shirts. And I'll tell you why. I can wear it on the pod. I could wear it out socially to a lunch easy. But I could also wear it to a business event.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello. How are you?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Hey. I'm good. How are you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Can we get your name, please?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

My name is Cammie.

[Jake Johnson]

Cami. How would you spell it?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

So it's actually a French name. Camille, but without the ll E. So just Cami. C A M I.

[Jake Johnson]

C A M I. French name. Where are you from?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

So I'm currently based in Geneva, Switzerland, and I'm half an African.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Where did you go to school? Was it international?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

No, I grew up in South Africa, so I went to school in Cape Town and then moved to Geneva 10 years ago. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why are you saying oh, yeah?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I spent a little time in Namibia. I spent some time not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You came. Hold on. Jake's just having a good thing right now. Let me just sidebar with him and get him on track here.

[Jake Johnson]

Cammy. I definitely spent some time in Namibia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She said Cape Town, South Africa.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. It's right next to each other. Please guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Why are you kind of whispering?

[Jake Johnson]

It's beautiful country, isn't it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Was that African accent?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where in Namibia were you staying?

[Jake Johnson]

I shot a little movie there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you did?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I did. I was actually there. It's beautiful country, isn't it? Came. I was in Cape Town, too. Wonderful.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Anyhow, is that still African accent? Pretty good?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, thanks, by the way. Thanks, Cami. No more questions. Thank you for being the best caller of the year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cammie.

[Jake Johnson]

It's march. Cammie, what can we do for you today? Hey, you don't have your old standby burns, do you? Why don't you go in your little Rolodex of one liners, huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

If I did have that, I would love it.

[Jake Johnson]

Got him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Got his ass. And I have a board where I pin the used ones. I can't do that one again. Actually, I could do that one more.

[Jake Johnson]

Cammie, what's up?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, so in December 2025, one of the strings on my acoustic guitar snapped. And I'm a beginner guitar player, so I go to a small guitar shop in my neighborhood in Geneva to buy replacements.

[Jake Johnson]

It sounds like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This is just so relatable. Geneva Guitar Center, 100.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm South African. I was just playing My guitar. I went to the shop in Switzerland after I had some dark chocolates. Then I was in the sauna. Then I made love with my lover, read a book. I read a full book in one day. And then I drove my scooter somewhere,

[Gareth Reynolds]

read a full book, and then took my bike down to the boulangerie. Got two baguettes for the weekend I'm hosting.

[Jake Johnson]

I had Mac and cheese for the second time. And then I had a weird stomachache. And then I got a blood test that went sideways. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I woke up on the couch after sleeping for seven hours. And Hulu was saying, are you still there?

[Jake Johnson]

And I said, like, whoa. And I got really mad at somebody. Anyway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyway.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so, Camille, please take off.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yes. So, small guitar shop. There's an elderly man, a Swiss man, and I try to pay by card. It's like five francs, which is what, six US Dollars, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's exactly.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

He rolls his eyes at me, and he's like, super rude and condescending because I don't have cash. I have a card. And he starts going off about, like, oh, young people these days, like, have cash anymore. I don't know. So that's fine. Like, I offered to go draw some money and return for the string, but he replies, like, in an exasperated way, he says, I can just take it for free. And, like, that's super generous of him after, you know, being quite rude. That was a bit caught of God. And I'm a bit of a people pleaser, so I just insisted I'd come back the next day to pay him back, and I never did. And that was three months ago. And, yeah, I just. I feel super awkward now because I want to honor my promise and pay back the five francs. But this guy was rude, but also super nice, giving me a string for free. So my question is, how do I pay back these 5 francs despite months gone by of avoiding this guy?

[Jake Johnson]

This is easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a straightforward one, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't you start? You want me to do mine?

[Jake Johnson]

I go. I give him 20 francs. I give him a bottle of wine. I say, sorry it took me so long. I appreciate your generosity. And I don't stick around. I have a little gift bag. And I go. I walk in, I go, hey, do you remember me? And he'll go, like, of course. And you go, I was the lady who came. I did not have the money. He goes, I remember who you are. You say, this is for you. He goes, not necessary. You say, where?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are they?

[Jake Johnson]

Please Put the Rolodex down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Simply asking.

[Jake Johnson]

Switch on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I just want to make sure.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, yeah. This is in Geneva, Switzerland. It's an older Swiss guy, just to be clear.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm so sorry. I thought we were in South Africa, Cammie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. I just. Jake's pitch sort of seems to hinge upon that for some reason.

[Jake Johnson]

Cammie, how does he talk?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Cammie, can we hear how he talks? And then Jake will replicate it, obviously need to perfection.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like a goddamn parrot.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Well, he. You know, it's.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like. I'm a call.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I'm very much a French stereotype, but it was a lot of that and. Oh. And all along. And, you know, those kinds of.

[Jake Johnson]

One of those sounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean? Aren't you the mimic? What are you talking about?

[Jake Johnson]

But I didn't expect it to be, like, weird sexual sound. So what do you. Hey, Cammie, what do you think about something nice and clean? Walk in with a little bag in there. There's some goodies and a thank you note. And you go, this is just my thank you. Sorry it took so long. And then you skedaddle. He doesn't even. You're not even there for the reaction shots.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, I was thinking about that. About just running in and running back out or going even, you know, the cowardly way, and slipping an envelope under his door.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no. I wouldn't do a slip out. He'll never remember you. Are he. It's just the face that's gonna matter. Gareth, what are you thinking?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I like it. But I think there is. You know, we could justify the long absence because, Cammy, you as a musician. Do you have a good voice?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

No. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you have an okay voice?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

No, the guitar does the singing for me.

[Jake Johnson]

So you don't sing with that guitar. You just. You just strum it.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a different kid. Keep going, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I was gonna anyway, but thank you. My pitch is, Cami, you write a song for this classic man, I love this. Called the man with the Free String. And you write it, and if you can't sing, you bring in a friend who can sing, and you're gonna give him the five francs at the very end. But after, you perform a song that is an homage to his kindness and his classical ways called the man with the Free String.

[Jake Johnson]

So I'm gonna tell you, yeah, it's ridiculous, and I don't even think you need to do the song, the singing, if you don't want to, but if you go in, you have a bottle of wine, you've got the five franks, and then you go. Because of your generosity of giving it to me with the new string, I've taken these three months, I've written this song. I would like to play it for you if you're interested. If not, thank you so much for the franks. That was very kind of you. The wine is the interest. And if he goes, which I think he'll go, Then you go. Take out the guitar, Cami, and let those fingers do what God wants you to do.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I would take a second to actually write a little something like, you know, don't go in there and wing it. Give a little thought because we're saying you've been on hiatus kind of.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, sure. I'm sure you got a song you've been practicing or playing. Is that true?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the beginning of most of the songs and then I. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Cammie, how close are you to that wooden box with strings on it?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

It's actually at my. My parents house right now. It's not with me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whose house?

[Jake Johnson]

Parents.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

My parents. I'm at my house. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Parents.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Her parents are in Switzerland too.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know you were the mayor of where she lives, Jake. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I could just understand her accent because I grew up with kids like her.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

You didn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You grew up in Chicago and want to be called Arnold because of different strokes.

[Jake Johnson]

That was weird. I told you that in confidence. Gammy, what do you think of that as a plan?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I mean, I love it. The best case scenario is that he's super nice about it. Realistic scenarios that he'll be quite rude. What would I do in that situation if he, like, I don't know, chases me out of his.

[Jake Johnson]

What if he says if he goes. I don't want to hear it.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Then you give him the five francs, a bottle of wine, you leave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think it's a. Either way, it's kind of like. It's a nice gesture even to mention it. To play it, I think, is ultimately what you want.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're the winner, not him. Yeah, you were. You called in because you felt weird about the situation. So now we're gonna go over the top with a victorious gesture. If he says, pass, let Scrooge pass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Then you give him a bottle of wine and what you owed him and you haven't. Again, you do have a reason why you weren't there. You wrote him something. He don't want to hear it, honestly. That might be best case scenario.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, because then you get the credit for yourselves.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Three months. Then you don't have to show the teacher your work. Just get the out of there with the grade. That's not bad.

[Jake Johnson]

Perfect. Will you do us a favor and will you record yourself playing the song before and send it to us? And then what we'll do is after this, we'll just play the song.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Absolutely, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you think you're gonna bring in someone to sing or you're just gonna go instrumental? I think the instrumental obviously works.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I mean, I'll ask around with my girlfriends and see who's. Who's keen.

[Jake Johnson]

Otherwise, I think if you got someone singing it, it's pretty damn great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't hate that.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I have an idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Parties.

[Jake Johnson]

What if the song was the theme song to we're here to help, and you say this is about you. Oh, because he's there to help. You go. You go. This inspired me, but you do. And then guess what? We'll play it for an episode of the theme song.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Confused.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

It can be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he was there to help.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, to help. And then rather than Gareth and Jake, you go, Gareth, Jake and whatever his name is, you find out Renard. So we're here to with. With Jake. Gareth Renault in French. Because then he's gonna go like, wow. So what do you. Because I honestly, Cammy, what this will do is this will work. It'll give you something fun to do no matter what. He gets a bottle of wine, the 5 francs, and a song.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a great gift.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I mean, I think it's adorable.

[Jake Johnson]

And hearing the song in French would be adorable for us.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

You as excited? Are you as excited as we are?

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I am. Yeah. I never could have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this feels like a Swiss excited. Yeah. So get to work. We appreciate it.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

It.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This will be great. And don't forget, we need a copy.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

I will send that to you and I will get right to work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, why don't you do a Swiss sign off?

[Jake Johnson]

I'd rather do a South African.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, you want to do both? Maybe start with Swiss.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Cami, you want to just talk a little bit like our native tongue? In our native tongue, I should say.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

You mean. You mean in. In French?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's learning that right now. You want me to say something so Jake would like. Yeah, that's what he asked for, isn't it, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

Jake, you're speaking French in South Africa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Cammie, thanks for the call. Goodbye.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

Sweet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 280, carjacking. Hello. Hello. Hi. Good. Welcome back. We know you're a follow up. We don't know anything else. So what's your name?

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

My name, I believe. I think I'm Joe Cool. And my follow up is about a personal issue I had regarding some performance anxiety for an upcoming test I had and how to get around it given my constraints. Long story short, I was getting a vasectomy and my hospital changed the test location. I could no longer prepare at home and bring the sample in. However, I now need to go in or I needed to go into the hospital. At the time, I was, my phone or was monitored by work. And so I had some real stresses about doing that on my work phone, let alone in the hospital in public or I guess not in public and technically in a bathroom.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This was about bringing your wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we turned it into a vasectomy date.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Exactly. Exactly. It was a vasectomy date. We were going to bring my wife to the hospital. We were going to make a date day out of it. It was going to be amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was gonna be.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

I sent her the invite. Yeah, yeah, I sent her the invite and she passed hard. Mostly because of work. She is the smarter one in the relationship. Yeah. And so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Walk us through this.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You sent an image. It says date night, quick trip to pound town. Friday, 8am to 2pm that's not a quick trip. That's a long trip to pound town.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Well, the po to the, the quick trip. And then, and then we do. We do it. It was going to be a really nice date day. We were going to go, go to a pin, pinball like arcade after and kind of make a date day out of it because we hadn't gone in a while to that, that pinball spot.

[Jake Johnson]

One guess the response is one, no,

[Gareth Reynolds]

she knowed it and she said, I have to work.

[Jake Johnson]

I have work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have work. Sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. So then what happened?

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

So effectively I was also. I kind of, I still was having performance anxiety getting through it, and so I pivoted. So I. Instead of kind of being stuck and not going to the hospital and not going with her, I was starting to look for new jobs and I accelerated that process and I ended up getting a new job so that this isn't a problem anymore.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

What.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

So the concern was that when I, when I was at that job, I was, I was on a phone that, that was monitored by work and so I couldn't get my test done.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

And it was so this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It wasn't the reason for career parallel path.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

But. But it. But it accelerated my parallel path. Okay, so that it stopped an issue

[Jake Johnson]

so that you switched your job so you could masturbate off an image on your phone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just. Your wife rejected your jack.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

It was. It was a bad. It was a background pivot, but it was a fact. Like it was an upside.

[Jake Johnson]

So is the job an upgrade?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's Burger King.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

The job is an overall upgrade and it works out for where we are with the kids in life. Okay, but I mean, ideally I would still like to try and figure out how I can get the wife to do the appointment. No, I tried to set the position up and it just didn't work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I was gonna.

[Jake Johnson]

But she just. She doesn't want to do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did she have a follow up when she rejected your invite? Like, was she like, hey, what the hell was that?

[Jake Johnson]

She doesn't want to masturbate him in a doctor's office.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

She doesn't.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, she doesn't do. She thinks it's a religious based hospital. They won't let her into the room with me. I get it on some part of it. But yeah, I guess if not all is well, it ends. Well, I. It's no longer the issue that I called in about, but I did get it. Sol.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I mean, so it. It is one happy ending. Okay.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I. I think we're good. I mean, I would not a bell ring at all.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Your wife on this one. Not. Not a bell ring on this one. Yeah, I guess. No, unfortunately not. Unless you guys could have figured or we could figure out a way in the future. But I don't think she wants to. Work comes first.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm 100% not into trying to convince your wife to give you a masturbate in a bathroom of a hospital whereas

[Gareth Reynolds]

we call it a master date. We're not into that.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I'm into that if it's about the vasectomy she wants. But yeah, I'm also.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

No, we got it. It was. This was a means to an end and we met the end. So yeah, I. I rung the bet like the bell was rang. It just. Unfortunately, I agreed.

[Jake Johnson]

Not by you, but. But you and I think that's fair. So then let me ask you a question. How did it go the day in the doctor's office?

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

So I have yet to do that because insurance and the doctor's office was. Was a nightmare in itself. So.

[Jake Johnson]

So, sir, it is not a bell ring because we don't know if he's going to get on top. There's a real chance you're going to be looking at those images with a overcooked noodle in your hand and go, no bueno.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's true.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Yeah, no, that's there, that's fair. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The trying to get product out of this Tootsie Roll, but there's nothing in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, enough. But yeah, exactly. Yeah. I certainly hope, you know, fill in then.

[Jake Johnson]

I, it's just technically I now have

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

a solution to get her done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even he's trying to jump. He's like, okay, Jake's going sideways.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm out of here. My man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This canoli is only crisp.

[Jake Johnson]

This jelly donut, no jelly.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

I technically have more. One more trip back. But the it's no longer a issue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This pie just crossed. Give the sample no filling. Yeah, well, Joe, what, what is your plan?

[Jake Johnson]

Is just two thin mints. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All I want to do is more. I'm not gonna. So what is the plan when you go in there? Do you know what you're going to watch? Have you thought about it?

[Jake Johnson]

Is a fair question.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

I don't, I still haven't thought about it. I mean I, I think the, the now with the whole Internet at your fingertips, I, I, I think that's, you don't even need to think about it. Which is a whole another podcast in itself.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

But yeah, I, I, you ever thought

[Jake Johnson]

of chimps doing jiu jitsu?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa, hey, I hope that's not why

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

you're raising the chimps and, and, and

[Gareth Reynolds]

putting them into adoptions. Certainly not, but it is a whole other podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Those creatures, those, they won't let me near those wild animals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's the only guy who's got a cease and desist from his own charity.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, well, guess what, man? This is it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, it's, I think we deserve,

[Jake Johnson]

it's not a loss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we deserve a very quick third follow up. I agree. And I think, you know, you know

[Jake Johnson]

what the follow up should be though? It should just be a voice note.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's fine. And I think, look, what is good here is you should take your wife out on a date. You should go to the, you know, you're, you're getting your tubes clipped. Why not take her out bowling or whatever you're talking about anyway? You know, maybe just even as an may occult, but for that weird ass Google invite that just basically asked her to jerk you off at a religious doctor's Office with zero context. And she had replied, I have work.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to say. If I got that invite, I'd be pissed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd be in.

[Jake Johnson]

You just jerk off any guy who sent that to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wouldn't even need to see the email.

[Jake Johnson]

You'd be like, dude, I'm happy to help you get into this act.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Option A.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. And then after you jerked him off, you'd go, do we switch? And I would say, no, you said, yes. I just came to the hospital to masturbate you awesome them. You want to get lunch, you pay, and you go, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Sucker. What a sucker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get to pay, idiot. All right, well, voice noted up. Joe, let us know. Okay?

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

You got it. Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Appreciate you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good luck. I'm getting mine soon, so good luck.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Hey, please it. I do not regret it still, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Best of luck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, buddy.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix, and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strlecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all of the advice given on we're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

That was a Hitgum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Jake Johnson]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a

[Jess / Cammie / Mandy Moore (caller and guest speakers)]

deep dive from our show. This is Us.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we gonna cry? Yes.

[Joe Cool / Roy (caller and guest speakers)]

Little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was Us on your favorite podcast app or watch watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.