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Caller/Guest
This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.
Jake Johnson
And we are back. You know, we were just talking about
Gareth Reynolds
what, Jake?
Jake Johnson
Locker rooms, male genitalia.
Gareth Reynolds
This has been. People who are listening to these intros a week apart are like, boy, they really is hanging on this subject.
Jake Johnson
You know, what we did in high school. I'm just remembering when Jerry Garcia was still alive. We were copying Dazed and Confused. Everybody's smoking great grass. We started doing, like, big nature hikes, and there'd be a group of us, and we started experimenting with taking all of our clothes. So it'd be like four.
Gareth Reynolds
Taking all your clothes off?
Jake Johnson
Yes.
Gareth Reynolds
Having a naked walk.
Jake Johnson
Having, like, a naked Frisbee. Smoking joints naked. This is couple guys, couple girls, nothing. Nobody's hooking up, but just being like, we're just sitting on the dirt with our underpants off.
Gareth Reynolds
Did you see that show Neighbors on hbo?
Jake Johnson
Yes. I loved it.
Gareth Reynolds
The last episode. The nudist colony one.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. I love that show.
Gareth Reynolds
I could see you ending up in that environment. Could you do nudist living? It seems like it.
Jake Johnson
You know, the truth is, probably depends. If the cards fell slightly different in my life, the answer is yes.
Gareth Reynolds
Would the celebrity factor make it a no go?
Jake Johnson
Yeah, it'd be different. That's. That's taking a lot of that away.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
You know, honestly, when New Girl first started, I had a. A moment with. I think it was Max. That was really embarrassing from the way he looked at me. But I said, like, one of the worst parts about this is, like, we're no longer anonymous and that. And he. He kept trying to say, like, what are you talking about? And one of the things I was thinking about was, like, nude beaches, nude volleyball.
Gareth Reynolds
Did you tell him? A little bit.
Jake Johnson
We were hinting at it.
Gareth Reynolds
You were hinting at it?
Jake Johnson
I just like to say we. But he was picking up on it. Yeah.
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
But he was like, oh, okay. You mean naked volleyball. He enjoyed it.
Jake Johnson
He finally got like, what are you talking about? What did you say?
Danny J
Want to go
Gareth Reynolds
without further ado card back then? It's a great way out. Let me tell you one random thing, but I've been talking with Samantha over at Patreon a lot, and we have a Patreon idea, which is we're gonna find the biggest Patreon in Greenland and we're going to collaborate on a Patreon talk together to try to get our Greenland numbers up. She was like, I think I know who's popular in Greenland on Patreon.
Danny J
Let's
Jake Johnson
line it up really A great idea.
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
So we're gonna try to get our Greenland numbers up, like four.
Jake Johnson
Why don't we make it a life effort to do a live show in Greenland, buddy.
Gareth Reynolds
I. We did a dollop in Iceland.
Jake Johnson
No. Well, Iceland's so great.
Gareth Reynolds
Great. But we did not. It wasn't like we were like, we're gonna have so many. We just wanted to go to Iceland. I mean, we were in a huge venue.
Jake Johnson
How was it?
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, I was. Being in Iceland was great. Being in a banquet room that probably seats 400 for 75 people who are, like, not 100% on what we were talking about. A little more awkward, but it was awesome. Yeah. But we did it all to just write off the trip.
Jake Johnson
But it was.
Gareth Reynolds
It was a great trip. But the show was the part where you're like.
Caller/Guest
It was.
Gareth Reynolds
I mean, some people loved it.
Jake Johnson
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
But then it was just not.
Jake Johnson
There's a language barrier.
Gareth Reynolds
There's a language barrier. We. It was a very strange.
Jake Johnson
I would love to do a live weird. Help. In a country where nobody speaks English. I want to get one thing. Film the whole thing. An entire audience. Nobody speaks a lick of it. And we're taking the calls, or we take the calls in a live show, but we hear the callers on headphones, and they only hear half of it.
Gareth Reynolds
Or. You know what? I would. I would love to get the UN Translating earpiece, you know, where if we were just getting the calls and we were sitting there just like. And then we were like, yes, of course. Like, they're translating for us. It would be a nightmare. But I like the idea of it.
Jake Johnson
I like the idea of having somebody translate to the. You know what? I would, like, actually go to a country, have two translators. One of them we put in a permit. One of them we make them, like, scowling the whole time, and they have to translate in real time as we're talking.
Gareth Reynolds
The perm clip with Casey Wilson has hit quite well. And the funniest part is what I saw today is my face as I'm like, this is coming back to me. I knew the perm conversation about her dad getting a perm. I was like, this is coming my direction, by the way.
Jake Johnson
The perm is gone.
Gareth Reynolds
The perm's gone. Yeah.
Jake Johnson
I gotta say, I know a bunch of girls are gonna say they missed. You look great. This looks way better.
Gareth Reynolds
It wasn't a perm. It was curling cream. But I did in a ceremony recently.
Jake Johnson
Oh, an ayahuasca ceremony?
Gareth Reynolds
No.
Caller/Guest
Oh.
Gareth Reynolds
Just one way it looked at the curling cream and I said, I don't need this.
Jake Johnson
I don't need this. Like it's a cape.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, like it was a cape.
Jake Johnson
Not that. No.
Gareth Reynolds
What am I doing? I love how your version of it. What am I doing?
Jake Johnson
It wasn't like you hit it for 20 years. It was like the Kansas four months later go. Like, I don't need this anymore.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. I decided I don't need it anymore and I tossed it. I thought, yeah, maybe I'll be back. But maybe not really emotional. Yeah.
Jake Johnson
Were you a little emotional? No, I was ready to move on.
Gareth Reynolds
Sometimes I see clips that are posted from the perm days and I think, yeah, maybe he was right. There's a. There's a clip of me. There's a clip of my stand up poster. Whereas I'm in purple pants with that hair. And I was like, yeah, that moment
Jake Johnson
got away from me.
Gareth Reynolds
That's in my mid-40s.
Jake Johnson
My equivalent of that is every once in a while I'll see a clip where I've let myself get bigger.
Gareth Reynolds
I see those in myself too. Yeah.
Jake Johnson
And I'll go like, yeah, I let things go for a little bit there.
Danny J
That's a big.
Jake Johnson
That's a big boy, dude.
Gareth Reynolds
I. When I pack for the road, there are there. I think I have to try pants up before I go. And this last one, dude. What? Eliminating pants to get to the big fat boys were the only ones. I could barely fit into it. I was going, I agree. And I was like, I'm about to go on the road. This is going to be bad.
Jake Johnson
What's the next big tour?
Gareth Reynolds
I'm off for a minute.
Jake Johnson
Good.
Gareth Reynolds
I have a few months and then we're trying to figure out when we're going to take the movie on the road. That's like the next thing.
Jake Johnson
Oh, no way.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. I have like literally a few months. I mean, I dip out a little bit, but for the first time.
Jake Johnson
This is years for you, man.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm getting into those other pants. The special pants I wore for my special. Yeah, dude, just quince dream pants. If I put those on, I should almost, for a Patreon extra try to put those.
Jake Johnson
I mean, you know, I'm a teasing guy. I like it. I promise you. You look good.
Gareth Reynolds
You what? I look good. When I take my special, I fit into pants. And I was like, yes, now you would, it would. You would roll. You would fall. You would fall over with me going like, like not connect. It was like, yeah, no, I'm wearing.
Jake Johnson
I. I wear shorts and sweatpants these days exclusively.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm in underwear. All right, everybody.
Jake Johnson
Without everybody, check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early and there's also back catalog episodes.
Gareth Reynolds
That's right. So we're here to help. Is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. It's just. Join us. Let's go.
Jake Johnson
This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Saily, the new ESIM service significantly reduce or eliminate roaming fees with plans in 200 plus destinations designed for frequent travelers. Gareth.
Gareth Reynolds
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Jake Johnson
Get an exclusive 15% discount on saily E data plans. Download Saily app and use code here to help at checkout. That's Saily S A I L Y
Gareth Reynolds
and this podcast is sponsored by Veracity.
Jake Johnson
I think this is going to have a lot more to do with the G Man than it does me, but I am going to pass it on to my king here. G man.
Gareth Reynolds
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Danny J
Hello. Welcome to the show. Would you please tell us your name, where you're from, what your problem is? Because, by the way, besides the exceptional dynamic duo of Jake and Gareth, you also get Jake's older, wiser brother, affectionately known as Danny J. Talk to us.
Jake Johnson
We're here to help.
Caller/Guest
Hi. So my name's Emily. I'm from Pennsylvania. And my problem is. So the town I live in has A corn festival every year. And one part of it is they have a corn eating competition. So last year, they needed participants. So I said, hell, yeah. And I participated. But I went in really cocky for having no preparation. I ate two pieces of corn in three minutes, which compared to, like, the eight, the winner eight was kind of abysmal.
Danny J
Wow.
Caller/Guest
Yeah. So I kind of was like, I need to actually win this year because this is my last year. But I was cool because I'm leaving. So my problem is I need help figuring out how do I train for a corn eating competition without just eating a bunch of corn. Because, like, I'm in college. I don't have a college. Like, I don't have a corn budget.
Danny J
Yeah, right, right.
Gareth Reynolds
I just. May I just say, Emily, I think this is the best launch into a problem pitch we've had. There was no small talk. This is the elevator. This is literally an elevator ride with time to spare. You got that all out in clear.
Jake Johnson
You did.
Gareth Reynolds
Precise. Perfect. And a great problem. So you need to learn how to win a corn eating competition.
Danny J
Awesome. Well, you've come to the right place. Obviously. Emily, phenomenal problem. Obviously. Jake has a lot of experience eating corn in the cob. He's picked up a lot of tips and techniques along the way, and I think he's going to share the one with you, which is, like, kind of basic. But then we're going to get into the more creative stuff after this. Jake, when you eat your corn in the cob at Carson's and you go through three or four of them a night without a hitch, how do you do that?
Jake Johnson
Typewriter.
Gareth Reynolds
Right. Dan, how would you explain the technique? It's pretty clear to most of us who watch Looney Tunes, but.
Caller/Guest
Right.
Danny J
The typewriter is essentially, you take the corn on the cob, which is a cylinder, and you're going to do a plane at a time. One left to right.
Jake Johnson
You shift up, never stopping.
Danny J
No. Then right to left, shift up left to right. You're swallowing as you're biting, but you're
Jake Johnson
also letting it go on the side sometimes.
Gareth Reynolds
That's where I am. You're beaver.
Jake Johnson
You're beavering because what this thing is not. You don't get weight.
Caller/Guest
I went with that.
Jake Johnson
But, Emily, you're not getting weight at the beginning and the end. Imagine a beaver with a piece of wood. Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
What is the officiating situation here? How tightly are they watching the niblets?
Caller/Guest
So you gotta wait. So they have, like, we have a bucket of corn in front of us.
Gareth Reynolds
Sure.
Caller/Guest
And they Keep refilling it. The Dairy Princesses come around and fill it up with more corn.
Jake Johnson
What are the Dairy Princesses wearing?
Caller/Guest
Like they're full princess dresses and their
Jake Johnson
crowns and this isn't what kind of town in Pennsylvania. This is wild. This would be fun.
Danny J
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
When is it? Should we send Berg to it?
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, without question, Berg should go to this. Keep going. But yes, Berg is there.
Caller/Guest
Like didn't like lower Pennsylvania, more like Southern Pennsylvania.
Gareth Reynolds
Her goes to Pennsylvania a good amount too. So this is.
Jake Johnson
This is when is the competition.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
What does it maybe try to get Steve Berg into it to compete against?
Caller/Guest
I know that's last Saturday in August.
Gareth Reynolds
I think he's available.
Jake Johnson
So now back to you because this isn't about us sending in a ringer to beat you. This is.
Gareth Reynolds
It is now.
Jake Johnson
But what it could be is one of us is your coach, one of us is Steve's coach and Dan is the both playing both sides of the fence.
Gareth Reynolds
Right.
Danny J
And we definitely need more Rocky music for the training.
Jake Johnson
Exactly.
Danny J
Training montage.
Gareth Reynolds
Yep.
Danny J
Yeah, this is.
Jake Johnson
That's not what the. I know, but let's. Really nice. But let's put that to the side for now. Emily, talk about your technique, Talk about what you've tried. Talk about where you're at, talk about who's there, who's good.
Caller/Guest
Well, also, Emily, tell us another problem
Danny J
with the corn that you mentioned in your email.
Caller/Guest
So my. The corn was piping hot, which was not great. I didn't anticipate that they were serving like fresh out the boiler, hot corn.
Danny J
Yeah.
Caller/Guest
So that was like terrible on the gums. I had also just gotten my braces off, so, you know, why not celebrate with eating some corn on the cob? But you know, my, like, I can't lose because like, my friends, well, you know, they're picking on me so I really need to make sure I win.
Jake Johnson
So. Okay, so everybody's dealing with hot corn.
Caller/Guest
Everyone. It's a lot of amateurs. Okay, A lot of amateurs. But then there's like, you know, you get one person who's like, done this their whole life. You know, there were like two people. We were just straight, like, going at it. I was re. Watching the footage, the play by play.
Danny J
Nice.
Caller/Guest
And it was crazy.
Jake Johnson
Okay.
Danny J
Are you telling me they don't have corn in the cob in college?
Caller/Guest
Emily, we do, but not in the dining hall or anything, really. No, no, we don't.
Danny J
Okay.
Caller/Guest
I don't go to like, Yale. We have corn off the cob.
Jake Johnson
I don't go to Yale.
Gareth Reynolds
Corn.
Jake Johnson
The Best. I don't go to Yale I've ever heard. I don't go to Yale. We've got corn off the cob at Yale. You just imagine everybody going like, is your corn on the cob?
Gareth Reynolds
More comp.
Jake Johnson
Sir, you gave me a bowl of corn that's off the. I gotta eat it. Ale for sake.
Danny J
That's shocking. University of Oxford defeated us in the rankings this year.
Gareth Reynolds
Bring me the nibbletter.
Jake Johnson
I mean, that's hilarious, Emily. But let me. Let me ask you a quick question. You allowed to use a fork and a knife?
Caller/Guest
I don't think we were provided with a fork and a knife. I thought about that method. You know, I. Because we're going to water bottle, you get some salt and you get some pepper, and then you just get corn.
Jake Johnson
Okay, here's my first pitch.
Gareth Reynolds
I got a pitch, too. Go.
Jake Johnson
You take the water. You douse the corn to cool it.
Caller/Guest
Oh, that's a good one.
Jake Johnson
Corn in front of you. You ask for ice water before. It's a technique.
Caller/Guest
It's only bottled, though.
Gareth Reynolds
But I was thinking it should be cold enough, I think. I think if you. I was going to suggest something similar. Bring some ice. Put some ice in the water when they give it to you.
Jake Johnson
I don't know.
Caller/Guest
That might be against regulation.
Jake Johnson
You feel like it's okay? How about this? How about this? Cap teeth.
Danny J
Oh, everything's cheating. I love it.
Jake Johnson
This is, like, it's not necessarily cheating.
Gareth Reynolds
I also do think I like that. And I also think where we were sniffing around earlier, they're not gonna know how much you put corn. Eating corn, there's a lot that comes off of the cob.
Danny J
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
So if you're.
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
Danny J
Even if you're a yali, that's how they do it. They eat, like, 25% of the niblets at best.
Gareth Reynolds
Now, now.
Danny J
Cafeteria is disgusting.
Gareth Reynolds
Now. Now, the people who won. There was one person who won. Was there anyone close to putting up the numbers? Like, the person who won. It made you made it sound like there were a couple, maybe.
Caller/Guest
I think there might have been a tie. And they had to have a corn eat off. But the. The one person caved in and said, I can't eat anymore. So it was close to having to be a corn eat off.
Gareth Reynolds
Hmm.
Danny J
All right, I got a pitch, too. Go.
Jake Johnson
All right.
Danny J
So, like, I think the typewriter. It's as outdated and archaic is that writing instrument. I think it's time to go to the Pac Man. You take the cob and you chomp across the entire, like, Radius of it.
Jake Johnson
This is insane. Right? So you talking about going like this.
Danny J
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Gareth Reynolds
I don't hate what you just did.
Jake Johnson
That's a. That's a.
Danny J
You took a turn that I'm not willing to follow.
Jake Johnson
Fair.
Gareth Reynolds
I like it.
Jake Johnson
I thought you were talking about the insertion scrape out.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, that. What a. Well labeled. Well labeled. I think the only time you hear more teeth.
Danny J
And that they do at Yale, I think you're doing it perpendicular to your face.
Gareth Reynolds
Right.
Danny J
But you chomp the entire cob. You're scraping top and bottom, like, gently, just to get the niblets out. And then in the middle, you chomp down. Do you swallow most of the niblets? No. You don't care. But the point is, you're trying to do like three, four, five chomps to a half and then flip it over. Three, four, five chomps to have.
Gareth Reynolds
You're done.
Danny J
You're done if you do the typewriter.
Jake Johnson
Right. Go ahead, Emily.
Caller/Guest
We did try. We did. So I got five pieces of corn last year, and with each one, I tried a different method for each one. So I did. And I timed them to see what the best of the most efficient timing was. It was. It was bleak looking in because, you know, I only had a minute for my best score.
Jake Johnson
Yeah.
Caller/Guest
But I did like the typewriter. I did the. I used a lot of the rotating typewriter where you do like a diagonal across. I even tried with my retainer on to see if that would help.
Danny J
Wow.
Jake Johnson
Wow.
Gareth Reynolds
You should have called us last year. I would just. Purely from an orthodontic standpoint.
Jake Johnson
We keep. So let me ask you a question, Emily. First of all, how old are you?
Caller/Guest
I'm 20.
Jake Johnson
You're 20. Okay. And at this point, the braces and the retainer are gone. My question is this. You got any metal in your mouth?
Caller/Guest
Not anymore. I'll have a different retainer, but it won't be the same. We'll provide any advantage, I don't think anymore.
Jake Johnson
Well, we don't know that for sure because what we're looking for is if you naturally have a little bit of metal in your mouth, maybe we can use it as a scraping device.
Danny J
Right?
Jake Johnson
Maybe.
Gareth Reynolds
Secret.
Danny J
Secret.
Jake Johnson
But, hey, retainers aren't cheating. Retainers are part of the mouth.
Danny J
Totally.
Jake Johnson
So if the retainer. Right before you started, you used your tug, I pushed over cleaner forward so that the metal part was sticking out, and you just went straight. Like you're literally painting the wall and you're scraping all the. Like, you got. Imagine the Corn. Like one of those walls that have stucco on it.
Danny J
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
We're trying to get all the stucco off. So you need a tool. That's what the tainer is for.
Danny J
It's like a prisoner with a shiv in your mouth. Yes.
Gareth Reynolds
We're calling it a tainer. Go ahead.
Caller/Guest
I think that could be possible. I don't know how my mom would feel about that, but don't worry about your mom.
Jake Johnson
Are we worried about your mom? Are we worried about winning?
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, don't worry about your mom going to handle you. We're worried about the history books, but.
Caller/Guest
So the other. I think the hardest part was. Yeah. Swallowing the corn because you get too much of the corn off. Then like you got like. I don't want to choke on corn either.
Gareth Reynolds
No, we're.
Jake Johnson
We're going to chew it. Yeah. So one thing we can't help you with at 20 years old is how to chew goddamn corn. Here, kid, we're not talking about choking on the goddamn corn again. We're going to assume you know how to eat.
Gareth Reynolds
I might lead us in a wild direction where even these two lunatics will pull me back from. All right, are you ready?
Danny J
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
You ready?
Jake Johnson
Ready? Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
I want you to sneak in a couple prop cobs. I want you to have pre eaten cobs, two to three of them. And you're going to, over the course of the competition, toss two or three of the fake cobs. The prop cobs in the bucket. So at the end they're gonna have a couple extra cob props that you tossed in.
Danny J
Gareth, you're like.
Caller/Guest
That might work. I'm a little scared the Dairy Princesses might rat me out, though.
Jake Johnson
I gotta say, I'm not into the cheating here, Emily.
Gareth Reynolds
I agree.
Jake Johnson
And I just think I want to
Caller/Guest
win on my own.
Jake Johnson
Me too. Can I give you a pitch here? Here's what. Here's what I really think, actually, so walk me. First of all, I've got a quote. This pitches in a. Questions first. How many pieces of corn won last year and how many did you eat?
Caller/Guest
I think it was somewhere between maybe like seven or eight. I ate two.
Jake Johnson
Seven or eight as a winner is not hard to beat. How long do you have?
Caller/Guest
So it's in August. I have about four months.
Jake Johnson
No, how long is the actual eating competition?
Caller/Guest
Oh, you have three minutes.
Jake Johnson
Okay.
Gareth Reynolds
So.
Jake Johnson
And once a cob is cleaned, you drop it in the bucket, you go on to the next. Then at the end, they count how clean how many you have. Right. So I watch a lot of terrible television and one of the things I watch is man versus Food, where both. Yeah. Way too many episodes of it.
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
I would argue. I've seen every episode of the show, and I don't even know if I like it.
Jake Johnson
I'll tell you. I don't like it. And I see everyone, and I don't like when the host is being, like, funny and doing, like, gang signs.
Gareth Reynolds
I. He doesn't agree. He's like, the amount of talk west
Jake Johnson
side of the eating of my mouth versus the east side, I'm like, you're a heavy guy. Eating corn on.
Gareth Reynolds
When we made eating athletics in this country, I don't think that was a bad move.
Jake Johnson
That's a huge mistake. But that's not what this is about.
Gareth Reynolds
No.
Jake Johnson
So here's what I'm saying. All we need, Emily, is seven goddamn pieces of corn. And what that show does is. And here's what you and everybody else are doing wrong. You're trying to do everything at once. So, for example, it starts. The first thing you do, pour water on eight pieces of cob. Cools everything down, takes a second. People go, what is she doing? She's not even eating. I'm strategizing, you stupid dopes.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, idiots.
Jake Johnson
You. You smell town dopes.
Danny J
Hey, take it easy, Jake.
Jake Johnson
Trust me.
Danny J
These are her peers and friends. She's not going to insult them because she's an accomplish.
Jake Johnson
I'm cooking. Then after 15 seconds, Emily, here's what you do. You create a beaver type overbite. Just scrape on a plate, hold the plate like a bib under your chin, and scrape the corn. Scrape the corn. Scrape the corn. Don't eat anything with the retainer if you can. If not, if we're afraid of mom, use your goddamn teeth. But here's what we're doing, Emily. We're not eating a bite of corn. We're creating a pile of corn on a plate.
Danny J
Dang.
Jake Johnson
Throw it away. Throw it away till you've got about a minute left. At that point, you have a pile of corn and seven cobs, 95 empty. Then when they. You look and there's a minute remaining, or a minute and 15 remaining. Baby girl, you shove that corn in like it's your life depended on it.
Danny J
And guess what? You may not go to Yale, Emily, but at your college, you can get unlimited corn in cups so you can practice every.
Jake Johnson
Every day.
Danny J
You're gonna.
Caller/Guest
And the way I think, I think that might work.
Jake Johnson
And, Emily, here's how you practice, though it's important how you do it. Yeah. Create a Pile. Put the plate at your mouth. Do not let your peers see you because they will copy the technique. Take two fingers together like a little hockey stick and learn how to shovel it in. Yeah, but without the tongue. Yeah, because the time would block it.
Gareth Reynolds
Oh, like this.
Jake Johnson
The plate goes like the bottom.
Gareth Reynolds
Bang, bang. Starting.
Jake Johnson
Emily, the plate goes bottom lip. Two fingers get low on the table. So you might want to get low enough that you don't even have to hold the plate. Go two fingers. Shovel and shovel in. Shovel. Like pinball. Like, like you're playing pinball.
Caller/Guest
Yes, I think that might work. I think the cooling down. The corner of the water, I think is definitely going to be. Plus the retainer helps avoid the whole. Like, it's too hot.
Gareth Reynolds
Anyway, in Jake's pitch, the corn is going to be out of your mouth pretty quickly and onto the plate. So you're going to have a cooling
Jake Johnson
time as soon as it's going to cool down. So. But you just don't want to burden yourself early. It's like if you need to do a chug in competition and it's too cold, it's the cold that makes you quit sometimes.
Gareth Reynolds
Yep.
Jake Johnson
So everybody who starts is going to go, like, my mouth kind of hurts. This sucks. And you're going to go, I'm prepping. Yeah.
Danny J
If you do it though, and you take your water and you spill it on the corn and you wait. I think it's important that you stand up while they're all like idiots doing the typewriter method. And you look at them with contempt and disdain and say, I am about to win. Or then you start.
Jake Johnson
Or you go real hammy and you pretend to sleep like, boring.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay.
Danny J
Check your watch.
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Then. Then might I suggest we wear the old timey Three Stooges sleeping outfit?
Jake Johnson
Then with a minute left, you'd be like, yeah. An alarm goes off, you go like this.
Gareth Reynolds
I gotta wake up and go to work.
Jake Johnson
But Emily, here's what you can do to practice as part of your diet as a 20 year old girl. Every day you get a bag of frozen corn. At night, with dinner, you shovel it into your mouth using your fingers.
Danny J
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
And the cafeteria go fat and go faster and faster. See if you can eat an entire cooked bag, it's got to be warm. You got to get used to it. See if you can eat an entire bag in 30 seconds.
Caller/Guest
I like how the pitch really eliminates the cob from the problem too. So that makes practice more feasible.
Gareth Reynolds
Jake calls it a cobblem because that's what it is. It's an issue. It's a hurdle. And now we're eliminating it. And Jake is Jake. If you could see him right now, he's nodding his head. He agrees with cobham as a term that we're using from God. Gareth, he's a gift from God. He's happy about it. Obviously, most people. But I do think. I do think, as insane as all this sounds, if you just cob the plate and you go hockey style, see how much you can ram in there. Get better at that.
Jake Johnson
And also, once a week, you. Once a week you practice scraping. Yeah, but Emily, what do you think about starting to do some practicing and filming yourself doing it? Sending it to us. We'll have Kyle cut some of these together. We'll put some music to it. But what do you think about. You start training and sending us videos as you go? Just email them in and we'll kind of build this up until August.
Caller/Guest
I like that. I definitely could do that.
Jake Johnson
Okay, good.
Caller/Guest
I think it'll. Yeah. I mean, I go to school for videos, so it'll be, oh, then you.
Jake Johnson
Hey, then you cut it.
Caller/Guest
Then.
Jake Johnson
This is. You know what this is? An internship.
Danny J
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
Hey, this is. This is an assignment because you're the
Danny J
magician and guess you're the stand. You keep doing this, you're going to be the Corn Cob Princess. Those Dairy Princesses, they're useless.
Jake Johnson
Yeah.
Danny J
You can handle this Corn Cob Princess.
Jake Johnson
Agreed. But here's what we're looking for. Emily, I want you to do one, obviously, this week, where I want you to get actual corn on the cob and see how long it takes you to do seven or eights to win time yourself. Try the technique. Film it with a timer in the background. So you're like. Took me nine and a half minutes and I. So now we know we're six and a half minutes too long.
Gareth Reynolds
It'll be good to see the pile of it off the cob. So, you know if a bag of frozen corn is a one, that represents. Yeah, right.
Danny J
What exactly is that pile? How enormous?
Jake Johnson
Not enormous.
Danny J
Let's see.
Gareth Reynolds
Emily, how are you feeling? I think we're gonna. We'll be weighing in before you get there.
Jake Johnson
Oh, we'll have you back on a couple times if you're making these videos.
Danny J
And the other.
Gareth Reynolds
Make the video. Let's see it.
Danny J
Just one more pitch. I'm not sure about the pinball machine. It might work. I'm not against it, but I think there's something to. Like the motorboat. And you just dive right into that Pile. It could be much faster.
Gareth Reynolds
Show mommy how the piggies eat.
Jake Johnson
Right.
Danny J
Just. Just dive into the pile of corn immediately. And if some of them get in the ground, we don't care. The Dairy Prince don't care.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, there's too much.
Jake Johnson
There's going to be something that they say we call hogwash.
Gareth Reynolds
There's also the technique that if you get a paper plate, a skill.
Jake Johnson
You got a skill.
Gareth Reynolds
You could tube it up, roll it like a burrito, and pour it down your throat as these two brothers have a feud that we're in the middle of.
Danny J
That's not bad either.
Gareth Reynolds
You could roll the plate and sort of pound it in.
Jake Johnson
Oh, G. Do that motion again, brother.
Gareth Reynolds
No, I won't, buddy.
Jake Johnson
Go ahead, Emily, can we clip that motion?
Gareth Reynolds
You got one earlier.
Caller/Guest
Yeah, yeah, I'll clip it with yours, Jake.
Gareth Reynolds
No, that's my NAT attack. Yeah. Natalie jumping in with. Yeah, I'll clip it with yours.
Danny J
So nice.
Jake Johnson
So, Emily, I feel like we call you Mo. She's.
Gareth Reynolds
Let's be honest, she just clunked our heads together.
Jake Johnson
I pretend to be Mo. I'm the. I'm Curly.
Gareth Reynolds
No, no, you're. You're Larry because you're like, I'm in charge, but Natalie's Mo. And I'm just. The guy's like, my head hurts.
Danny J
That's exactly right.
Jake Johnson
Okay, so, Emily, tell us what you're gonna do here, because I. I think we're winning here. But what matters is, is you. So tell us what's happening. Walk us through what you're going to do. Starting tonight.
Caller/Guest
I think I'm gonna do what I did before, you know, really, really hone down the method. You know, what method is quickest? What method of scraping is the quickest?
Jake Johnson
Okay.
Caller/Guest
And then I think from there, start practicing that one specifically. And then also practice the actual eating of the corn regularly. Pretty regularly.
Gareth Reynolds
So see how long it takes. Yep.
Jake Johnson
Great.
Danny J
It just feels to me like we're, you know, sort of like three men and a little lady. And we're like, you know what? Our little five year old's gonna be an Olympic champion. Let's take her to the community ice rink and let her start to skate. That's what it feels like today. And in August, we're going to be the ones in a Coke commercial crying that she earned the gold medal because we really did it, too.
Jake Johnson
Hey, thanks for coming on today, man.
Gareth Reynolds
Thanks, Emily. Say bye.
Jake Johnson
Yes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace Gareth Reynolds, tell them about your website.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, every, I, I keep building different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace, but I, I've been working with Squarespace for a while. Could not be more user friendly. They make it very easy and your website looks great. And we've built multiple websites on this show because it's so easy. They really, they help you find the domain, they help you get.
Jake Johnson
By the way, here to help. Pod.com is our show website that is constantly evolving. And one thing I want to say, and that's a squarespace. Guys, check out the website because it's starting to evolve a little bit. So we've gotten emails from people being like, where do I find the blank in the blank? Well, go to heretohelppod.com which is a squarespace website, to get all the answers you need. Squarespace gives you everything you need. It's got cutting edge design. It's got. You can put donations on there. Fun directly on your website if you want.
Gareth Reynolds
You can put content on there. There's also is the SEO tools, which for a while I just kept saying it and I didn't know what it was, but I don't know what it is. I'm gonna tell you. It's search engine optimization. So it's like if someone's looking for what you provide, they help you get higher in the search, which can be huge.
Jake Johnson
Cool.
Gareth Reynolds
I think optimization is good.
Jake Johnson
There you go.
Gareth Reynolds
Wow. Coming in at the end.
Jake Johnson
So check out squarespace.com Gil sent me. Ms. Gil. Can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy?
Gareth Reynolds
Jake Johnson, SEO Tools. Talk about being left behind in the search. That would be Gilbyu, Canada. An island by himself. Things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe. I'm still in the closet waiting for someone to come find me.
Jake Johnson
But actually, Gil, it looks like your microphone is not plugged in, brother.
Gareth Reynolds
So sorry, I didn't understand how that was. Anyway, Squarespace slash. Gil sent me. We're back.
Jake Johnson
Save 10 off your first purchase of a website or a domain using Gil sent me.
Gareth Reynolds
We're back, baby. Hello.
Jake Johnson
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Gareth Reynolds
Literally tomorrow going on the road for about 11 days and it's all quints. It's all quints. If it's not quints, it's because it's soon to be quints. It makes getting dressed easy. And I know that maybe sounds wild to some people, but quint is my go to. I know that I look as good as I can.
Jake Johnson
I have bought probably nine Quint shirts. I do a bunch of the black T shirts and lately I've done the short sleeve collared shirts. And I'll tell you why. I can wear it on the pod. I could wear it out socially to a lunch, easy. But I could also wear it to a business event.
Gareth Reynolds
I'm not kidding. I have a closet rack in my Honda Odyssey. This is getting sad, but I do. And it's just all Quint's stuff. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to Quince.com here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com sure to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com hereto help. Hello.
Caller/Guest
Hi.
Gareth Reynolds
Hi, how are you? Can we get your name, please?
Caller/Guest
Sure. It's Jane.
Gareth Reynolds
Jane. Real name Jane.
Caller/Guest
No made up name.
Gareth Reynolds
Felt it.
Caller/Guest
My name is uncommon, so I didn't want to use it.
Gareth Reynolds
Good work though.
Caller/Guest
Thank you.
Gareth Reynolds
Fake age. Jane,
Caller/Guest
34. That's a real age.
Gareth Reynolds
All right. Where are you fake calling from?
Caller/Guest
Fake calling from Brooklyn.
Gareth Reynolds
Great. Okay, Jane, 34, Brooklyn. What's going on?
Caller/Guest
Okay, so I'm going to try and explain this clearly. For the last five years, my friend and I have had this cardboard box. It came from a Dewalt Miter saw. So it's big and yellow, could fit like a large child. And it's empty. We've had it empty for five years. The only thing inside of it is like the original Styrofoam packaging. There's no reason for us to have this box. We just love it. We've used it as a coffee table, as a TV stand. Usually it's just sitting in the living room. And you know, she moved and she brought the box with her. And now it's been five years and it's time to get rid of this box. So we're going to throw ourselves a party called A Farewell to Box. And we kind of have ideas for it. But at the end of this party, we want to get rid of this box. It doesn't have to be that we're getting rid of it, but we need to do something with this box. It can't be in the apartment anymore. So our question for you is, what can we do with this box to preserve its legacy or, like, honor its life? But it can be anything. The only parameters are that we don't want to litter, so we can't just set it afloat in the east river. And we don't really want to make a fun in public. But our friends would be down to do whatever, and we'll do whatever with this box. It just can't be in the apartment anymore.
Gareth Reynolds
I've got pictures of this box if you guys want to see what it.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, I mean, want to see it
Gareth Reynolds
how it's been used?
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Oh, it's a terrible box.
Caller/Guest
Oh, my God. You have to hang up right now.
Jake Johnson
I thought it was a wooden box you're talking about. Literally, it's a saw box.
Gareth Reynolds
It's like a table saw.
Caller/Guest
Yeah, like a. Well, it's a. It's a miter saw, but it's. You know, it's a big saw that goes on the table.
Jake Johnson
It's just. This is garbage.
Gareth Reynolds
I mean, look, there's. Clearly.
Caller/Guest
We understand it is garbage, but we had it for five years, Jane.
Jake Johnson
But I. I thought it was going to be like a wood. The picture. I was going to have take away some of the wood, and everybody keeps a piece of the wood.
Gareth Reynolds
It is a disgusting little box. You got a lot out of this box. It was used as a TV stand, and you've been eating off of it.
Caller/Guest
Yes, but most of the time, it just kind of sat there. And then in one of those images, you can see all the cushions in the living room because our basement flooded, and we just saved the couch and that box. Oh, that's all we saved.
Jake Johnson
Can I see the photos again? I'm sorry.
Gareth Reynolds
I like that. I would like to see it again.
Jake Johnson
I was just so shocked.
Gareth Reynolds
It is shocking.
Jake Johnson
Okay, so your apartment. Slow down. Slow down, Jesse. So the apartment flooded. You saved this gray couch. What we're looking at is a gray couch and then just a big yellow dewalt box.
Gareth Reynolds
It is a big yellow box that is literally just.
Jake Johnson
That holds. It's the box. You guys would all know if you bought a big power tool comes in a box. You cut it open, then you take this out. You throw the disgusting box up a box. Yeah. And then they've taped the. They've taped it closed. Okay, so that's you guys in your basement. And then can we see another one? And then what is she doing here? She's cutting that. This is when you first got it. Maybe.
Caller/Guest
That's probably when we got it. It arrived March 2021. I looked that up.
Jake Johnson
Okay, so you got it. And what about this box made you guys say we should keep this box?
Caller/Guest
Well, we didn't have any furniture, really, so we needed a staple, and then it just kind of grew on us.
Jake Johnson
So why. Okay, hold on.
Gareth Reynolds
Charcuterie on the box, Wine on the box.
Jake Johnson
So then you wrapped the box in plastic.
Caller/Guest
No, sorry. That image is before we opened it. We eventually opened it and continue to use it. Because the. In it.
Jake Johnson
I know it. Agreed.
Gareth Reynolds
Because Crazy detail. Because you had an affinity for the box more than the item inside. Every time I get a box, I open the box.
Jake Johnson
I would never put salami on top of it and eat off it. I would open it and use the.
Gareth Reynolds
I would open it, and then I'd be like, okay, I'm keeping the box. But the idea that the box. You know what it is? It's like imprinting. It's like what that duck did to that guy.
Jake Johnson
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Like the box imprinted on you in some way, and you feel like box moms.
Jake Johnson
This is crazy. That's right.
Caller/Guest
And so that's exactly what it is.
Jake Johnson
Crazy, but. Right.
Gareth Reynolds
But.
Jake Johnson
So something happened at that moment in 2021.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
You guys were probably just climbing out of the pandemic.
Gareth Reynolds
Yep.
Jake Johnson
The world was opening up again. And then you went, like,
Gareth Reynolds
Stayed nice and closed for some reason. Okay, so. So whatever. So you love the box. The empty.
Jake Johnson
Wait, who's the. There's a photo of somebody lounging near the box, and their face is blacked out.
Caller/Guest
That is, unfortunately, a photo of me looking really bad.
Jake Johnson
I love the.
Gareth Reynolds
I love it all. It's amazing. And what I also love is that you're like, I don't want to be associated with the box publicly.
Caller/Guest
No, I mean, you make a good point. I should have showed my face. No, it's fine.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, I mean, the box is so distracting, we can't even get into the buccaneer style.
Jake Johnson
Also, I gotta say, it's almost your size. As if you could have come out of the box.
Gareth Reynolds
Completely agree.
Jake Johnson
There is a size of. The size of your body while you're sitting on that chair. Is that. Could be the box that houses you.
Gareth Reynolds
This. This picture gets better and better because we haven't even focused on the crayon writing at the bottom of the arrow.
Caller/Guest
Hold on.
Gareth Reynolds
Why.
Danny J
Why did you say I wish?
Caller/Guest
It's like, imagine getting in that little thought. It's disturbing.
Gareth Reynolds
I know it is.
Jake Johnson
It's a nightmare. Needing that little box is a nightmare. But there's something about that box that it's become a womb for you.
Gareth Reynolds
It's a pet.
Danny J
No.
Jake Johnson
I got a pitch.
Caller/Guest
It's not just me. It's not just me, though. It's two of us who love this.
Gareth Reynolds
I know.
Jake Johnson
I got the pitch.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay. I got one, too.
Jake Johnson
I want you to cut a part of it out. Like, when a baseball stadium is getting knocked down or the net, people will go and, like, rip a seat out of, like, the old Kamisky in Chicago. Yeah. Or they'll, like, go take some of the grass out of it or the dirt, and they'll put it in, like, a glass jar, and they'll be like, this was the dirt from the outfield of, like, old Kamisky. So what I would like you to do is cut part of the box out and frame it.
Gareth Reynolds
That's literally basically what I.
Jake Johnson
And you each get. You go on you parallel sides of the box so you get the same part, but it's not the dewalt. Just get, like, the t. The line next to the te. Some weird yellow space. Cut the same size of each frame it. Go to a professional framer so it's framed in a really nice frame, and you guys make a deal that that picture will always hang on the wall of your homes forever.
Gareth Reynolds
I agree. I think. I think that's right. My only issue is if the frame picture comes in a box, we're right back where we started.
Caller/Guest
I think it's an excellent idea. And this is gonna seem weird, but maybe not based on my question.
Gareth Reynolds
I think it will.
Caller/Guest
We both bought. I don't. I forget who the artist is, but we basically both bought a slice of this giant baby made of styrofoam. We have our styrofoam already framed, so maybe it would fit. Maybe it would fit in.
Jake Johnson
But it's a thing. Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
Jane. Yeah.
Caller/Guest
I feel like, how many things can you have? How many pieces of, you know, container can you have?
Jake Johnson
Garbage. Can you frame.
Gareth Reynolds
That's not a question for us. That's not a. Or first we throw boxes away, so we don't know. I think that's right.
Caller/Guest
I like where your head.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, look, it is there. You. For whatever reason, this has sentimental value to you, so that is a way to preserve a piece of it. And here's the other part. I'll say I would. I'm trying to think if. If you know anyone who has A fireplace. I would also suggest just burning the box on its own. Collecting the ashes and doing an ash spread after you've picked your pieces of the box.
Jake Johnson
Or burning. Yeah, during. Or burning it. Doing the ashes and keeping the ashes. Like you would have something a little.
Caller/Guest
Oh, my God.
Gareth Reynolds
That's okay.
Caller/Guest
I love that. I was thinking you were going to say sometimes people, when they're cremated, you put their ashes into a tree and then you grow the tree. But I like the idea of putting it in the urn way better.
Jake Johnson
A tiny little urn.
Gareth Reynolds
Earn is. Earns a winner if you've got a.
Caller/Guest
Okay.
Jake Johnson
Like, I think it's an earn.
Gareth Reynolds
And you know what? Here's what I'm also going to say. Not to cut you off, but no, I like you're having an event about this. Let's treat it like it's a goodbye. Like it's a funeral.
Jake Johnson
Yes.
Gareth Reynolds
Let's. Let's write a little eulogy for the box. Let's talk about fond memories. You've got all these crazy ass pictures. Let's show them and talk about it a little bit. And maybe everyone's got to say a little bit of something and then.
Jake Johnson
Or at least just you and the other gal.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. And then you.
Jake Johnson
I'll tell you what I would. What I don't want is a bunch of friends there and everybody thinks it's really funny. And then like you've got like the two guys who are like the funny where they're like, all right, I'll be ironic. You're like, this isn't as funny as we all think it is. Jake's only funny.
Gareth Reynolds
It's a Gareth Reynolds type.
Jake Johnson
You and me.
Gareth Reynolds
I agree.
Jake Johnson
It only works if it's really sincere for you guys because this box actually does mean a lot to you.
Caller/Guest
Yep, I agree.
Jake Johnson
So I think the two of you should burn it together, drink one too many glasses of wine and let yourselves get emotional.
Gareth Reynolds
Have an urn. Get the ashes in the urn.
Jake Johnson
You know what I would ask of you, Jane?
Caller/Guest
Oh, I forgot that's my name. Yes. Yeah.
Jake Johnson
By the way, bad poker face. Oh, my God, that's me.
Caller/Guest
Oh, yes.
Gareth Reynolds
Hello.
Jake Johnson
Here's what I would like. What you could do for us is I would like you and your friend who did this to burn the box, grab the ashes, put it in the urn, and then wear all black and have a night after that. That's the. That's the doing part. And then go to have a service where you have photo. You print out these photos of the box that you guys had, and they're around, and you guys just sit around each charcuterie, have a couple glasses of wine, and then at a certain point, both stand up and as sincerely as you can at that night, talk about what the box meant to you and how important it was and how fun it was and how great those years were and film it and send it to us, and Kyle will edit it down.
Gareth Reynolds
I agree. And. And you're also. The night of this event, you guys are not going to know where to put your wine, where to put your charcuterie. You're going to be very confused. But there's going to be a table. This is a thing a lot of us have been using for a while. And it's got four legs, and it's got. It's a flat surface, and you're going to put some of your stuff on this thing, and it's sort of like a fancy box. So you'll be putting your stuff on there, and it's going to be difficult because you're definitely moving on at that point. But.
Jake Johnson
But it. But this is the expression of, like, this is what. What this reminds me of is like, if you got, like, a pet hamster that dies.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
And you got kids and you go, well, we should say some words. And then somebody says some words and you go, they're not wrong about Lucky. We did love that son of a. Yeah. And that little bastard did find his way into our hearts. Yep. And when you got over the hump and you're honest about it, and you go, that was the cutest rodent I'd ever seen. And when it would burrow itself in the corner and you'd see its little teeth, I did like looking at him. I also like tolding him he was a bony son of a. But I like the way his little nails would feel on my hands. And so you all say what you need to say about box and then move on.
Caller/Guest
I have one last question. I think this is a great idea. Right? But we live. Where do. Where can we burn this box in Brooklyn?
Jake Johnson
Can you send it out an alley? You can't. You got to do it yourself. An alley. Or you rip it up and you do it piece by piece. You do it. You do little pieces throughout the whole night right in the sink.
Caller/Guest
I think that maybe at this party, we'll have everyone rip up the box, and then afterwards we can burn the
Jake Johnson
pieces and you guys. And while you're burning it, you do it in the tub. That's when you're making Your speeches.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Caller/Guest
Okay.
Gareth Reynolds
Maybe get a metal bucket or something. Get, like, a metal bucket. Maybe put it in there. Open the window, you know, get. Like, you don't want it to get out of control. So I think. Yeah, you take your time.
Jake Johnson
We're in an alley.
Gareth Reynolds
We're in an alley. Just make sure, you know, make sure.
Jake Johnson
Put it in a bucket.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah. We just don't want this.
Jake Johnson
Or, you know What? Buy an 80 grill.
Gareth Reynolds
Ooh.
Jake Johnson
Like you're gonna be, you know, or
Gareth Reynolds
just someone, you know, with a grill. That's it. Yep. Yeah. The park. Go to the park and grill it out.
Jake Johnson
Go to the park and grill it.
Gareth Reynolds
Now. Now that we're in this, I'm gonna also say have a decoy cooler when you go to grill the boxes. Ashes, just. So when you go to the park, it doesn't look like you went there to just burn a box on a grill.
Danny J
Just.
Caller/Guest
I think that's right. That's important.
Gareth Reynolds
Beers. Just the decoy cooler. Make it look like you're grilling some
Caller/Guest
club. Okay, thank you. I think we're going to grill the box.
Gareth Reynolds
So then.
Jake Johnson
Yes, send us some footage.
Gareth Reynolds
And then you're going to put the urn. The ashes in the urn.
Caller/Guest
Yeah, of course.
Gareth Reynolds
Don't say of course.
Caller/Guest
A little bit.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, this is. Listen, if you're happy, we're happy. And I think, like Jake said, please include us in the service as much as possible. Film it. And we would love to edit it into something that, you know, does. It's a tribute to the DeWalt box that you got five years ago.
Caller/Guest
That's so kind. The box would love that.
Gareth Reynolds
I don't know if.
Jake Johnson
Okay. Jane.
Gareth Reynolds
Why'd you use a fake name?
Caller/Guest
Sorry. Oh, my God. Because I don't. I. I just. It's a very uncommon name, and I think that when I listen back to this, if it were to air, I'd be a little embarrassed.
Gareth Reynolds
Hey, Jane.
Jake Johnson
What? What's the uncommon name?
Caller/Guest
I'll say it, but I don't know. We might need to beat it out. Okay. It's Arisa. Like Marissa.
Jake Johnson
We're not. We're not gonna be so much. You know what we're not gonna be. Your problem is not serious enough to beep it. It's not about, like, a husband or a wife. It's about keeping a box. We're gonna let it out. We're gonna lead with it. Everybody. Her name is. She lives in Brooklyn. She keeps a weird, disgusting box. Thank you for the call. Her name's not Jane.
Gareth Reynolds
She's gonna be at a park.
Caller/Guest
Bye.
Gareth Reynolds
Bye.
Caller/Guest
Thank you. Bye.
Gareth Reynolds
Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 231, Scooter Cooter. Hey, caller, are you there?
Caller/Guest
Yeah, I'm here.
Jake Johnson
Hey, how are you? Welcome back.
Gareth Reynolds
You got Jake, you got Gareth, and you got, as you know, Danny J. Chopper 5 on the 1 side coming at you. Yeah, we've a lot's happened so far, and it's just been technical, to be quite honest with you. Can we get your name, please?
Caller/Guest
My name is Allison.
Gareth Reynolds
Allison, welcome back to the show. We know you're a follow up. Now, can you tell Dan what your first call was? And that'll also inform Jake, myself, and the audience.
Caller/Guest
Thanks.
Danny J
Great idea.
Caller/Guest
Yeah. So I originally called about because my husband's nudist uncle sold him a scooter, and my husband wanted me to ride said scooter, but I did not.
Gareth Reynolds
Right.
Danny J
So he's in. He's a nudist.
Gareth Reynolds
They got the scooter from a form from a nudist. And there was, you know, nudity on the scooter.
Jake Johnson
And we were thinking about the seat being discussing. You had sent us a photo. I remember. Right, yeah. And you were. Oh, Cooter, Scooter, Cooter, scooter.
Caller/Guest
Yes.
Gareth Reynolds
Either way.
Jake Johnson
So, Allison, what did we pitch and what'd you do?
Caller/Guest
So y' all pitched two different things. So I think the one that Gareth mentioned was having, like, a dream that, like, we were riding the scooter and, like, we crashed and it freaked me out, and I was, like, going to be, like, all jittery around the scooter.
Jake Johnson
Right.
Caller/Guest
But then we settled on that. The scooter. Like, there's, like, this disease called scooter cooter and that it can give you, like, a rash and stuff, and that's why you shouldn't, like, write it, and that's why you need to clean the sea and stuff like that.
Jake Johnson
I honestly think both of those are pretty good.
Gareth Reynolds
I do, too. To get you off.
Caller/Guest
They were pretty good.
Jake Johnson
Your thoughts on hearing those two pitches together? You understand the problem, right?
Danny J
Well, I. I heard the problem. I just have a hard time understanding it.
Gareth Reynolds
Okay, why.
Jake Johnson
Hold on.
Danny J
Why, like, clean the seat and then it's an immaculate scooter? Like, take some bleach, you're good. What's the issue?
Jake Johnson
Like, some random man's choat sitting on his seat you're sitting on.
Danny J
It's not random. It's family.
Jake Johnson
Fine. It's our Uncle Eddie's choat while he's all sweaty in Florida on a seat, and then you're in a. Like, you're in a skirt.
Danny J
Later, six months later, after. I'm sorry. I don't know if you're a, like, scientist, but, like, Shoat Cooters doesn't exist. So you just spray a little Windex or a little Clorox, and you're done.
Gareth Reynolds
I love that.
Jake Johnson
Also, B2. Also. Who are you, our sister? Spray it, and you're done.
Gareth Reynolds
Windex. By the way, it's such an insight into Dan's world that he's one of those Windex guys who does every service with Windex. That's what my mother is. My mother's a Windexer. You're just, like, on a table that's wood. Doesn't matter. It's all the same.
Danny J
I can see the Pam thing now. Now I get it.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, I get it. So, Allison, I hear Dan's point of view, but I do think he's crazy. I'm with you. I would be pretty disgusted if I bought a scooter and there was a new. The idea of, like, a juicy man's butthole while sweating driving a scooter.
Gareth Reynolds
Well, it's also. Isn't it your husband's. It's your.
Caller/Guest
It's.
Gareth Reynolds
It's your husband's.
Jake Johnson
She's going to be on it.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Caller/Guest
No, I think it's extra gross, Uncle.
Gareth Reynolds
I think it's extra gross.
Jake Johnson
Imagine being a woman in a skirt.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, that's a random man to her.
Danny J
I'll just defer because she. Allison matters. It's her problem. You guys. Accept it as a problem. I don't want to go back and, like, say, it's not a problem. We'll just say, great. Great pitches. What did she do? Even professional.
Jake Johnson
Professional.
Caller/Guest
I did. My husband. He asked me. My husband asked me one day. He was. Because of a. More background for Dan, but, you know, because of our. My weight differences, I'm a little bigger than my husband. He's saying for us to ride together, I would need to drive it, and I didn't want to, because then, you know, that's too much contact for me. I'm a big germaphobe.
Danny J
Okay.
Jake Johnson
Okay. So if you. Because you would have to drive it, so that's more right on seats.
Caller/Guest
Right.
Danny J
Understood.
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
Okay.
Caller/Guest
So. But yeah, so there was one day that, you know, my husband asked me. He's like, hey, like, I'm thinking, like, you know, want to take the scooter for a drive? You want to come with? You know, and everything. You can get used to whatever because, you know, you have to drive every so often with the gas or whatever. And so then, you know, I recorded our conversation and I told him. I was like, no, I don't want to, like, you know.
Gareth Reynolds
Yes.
Caller/Guest
What?
Jake Johnson
You have it recorded? Can we hear it?
Caller/Guest
Yes.
Jake Johnson
Let's hear.
Caller/Guest
Yeah. I emailed it to Natalie right now.
Gareth Reynolds
First of all, way to go.
Jake Johnson
Yeah. Thank you, Allison.
Caller/Guest
Thank you.
Jake Johnson
You're a pro.
Danny J
You're.
Caller/Guest
I was scrambling. I was like, oh, my gosh. I felt like, you know, a 50 year old person trying to find the record button on my phone.
Jake Johnson
But, Allison, you're a pro and you're.
Caller/Guest
This is what we.
Gareth Reynolds
We ask a lot of people to do this, and they don't. And when people do it, this is
Jake Johnson
awesome because you call, you're like, we're
Danny J
here to help, and you use them for help. And it was an amazing success. But so far, so good.
Jake Johnson
What? Sometimes you don't have to talk, Dan, if you don't have anything to say.
Danny J
If I didn't talk, why would you ask me on here? You don't have to be such a dick.
Jake Johnson
I know, but, Dan, that was a draft. That was just a recap. That was a recap. Hey.
Caller/Guest
Hey.
Danny J
Can you. Can you come on the show?
Jake Johnson
Sure.
Danny J
Because I want to, like, be a dick to you on Hulu or whatever. Thanks. This is great.
Gareth Reynolds
It's on Hulu, not whatever.
Jake Johnson
Sorry.
Danny J
Great.
Gareth Reynolds
Great.
Danny J
Awesome. Allison, I'm sorry you have to witness that.
Jake Johnson
Dan, I'm sorry. I just felt like you did a recap that you didn't. You just started talking, but you didn't have anything to say.
Danny J
Apologies accepted.
Gareth Reynolds
Tensions are high because this problem is big. And we're about to hear some audio. Okay. Okay. Here we go.
Caller/Guest
What'd you say?
Gareth Reynolds
At some point, I want to ride the scooter with you on the back.
Caller/Guest
Why?
Gareth Reynolds
So I know what it's like.
Caller/Guest
So what if I don't want to sit on the scooter?
Gareth Reynolds
I'll put a trash bag down.
Caller/Guest
You're gonna let me get scooter cooter.
Jake Johnson
Scooter Cooters?
Caller/Guest
Yeah.
Gareth Reynolds
You don't get an infected cooter from the scooter.
Caller/Guest
It's nasty.
Gareth Reynolds
Antimicrobial. Towel down.
Caller/Guest
Antimicrobial. No, I'm serious. I don't want that.
Jake Johnson
I'll put something down.
Caller/Guest
No, that's not gonna help it.
Jake Johnson
Why? Why would it help it?
Caller/Guest
Because it can go around it. Yeah. And there's that pile. Yeah. That's gonna climb up my Legs, and I'm gonna get to my Cooter.
Gareth Reynolds
Jerry's mustache is gonna be climbing.
Caller/Guest
No, I'm serious. It's a real thing.
Gareth Reynolds
I'll put a towel down.
Caller/Guest
No, it's a real thing. Ask Maddie. She.
Jake Johnson
All right, let's pause it for a second.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah.
Caller/Guest
Where are you going?
Jake Johnson
Allison. Excellent work so far. Yeah, he was really stonewalling you.
Gareth Reynolds
So good.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, he.
Danny J
I'm with the husband so far, but this is great. Great effort.
Jake Johnson
But he did a really good job of just winning that. We're gonna listen to the second half. Is there more information or is it more of the same?
Caller/Guest
It's more of the same. Like, I got my. I told my best friend after I got the original call, and I was like, hey. Like, you know. And she's like, oh, my gosh. That's, like, genius. And so, you know, he doesn't believe anything I say, but if someone else says it, then he'll believe them. So my best friend was in on it. So that's when I was like, hey, you can call Maddie and, you know, confirm this. So she was in on it, too.
Jake Johnson
Okay. Did he.
Caller/Guest
But we didn't have to call her.
Jake Johnson
Okay, so then what ended? So you say in the second half, call Maddie. And what's his kind of vibe? What does he say?
Caller/Guest
He was just. He kind of brushed off. I don't know if he heard me on that. But then he was like. He was just being funny afterwards.
Jake Johnson
Okay.
Danny J
So then my program. Towel.
Jake Johnson
So, Alice. Yeah, so this is pretty great. So what happened?
Caller/Guest
So he didn't really do any. Like, he didn't ask me to get on the scooter after that. And I was like, okay, well, we'll wait because, like, you know, because life happened. So we got really busy. But he hasn't asked me to sit on the scooter ride with him since.
Gareth Reynolds
Great
Jake Johnson
one.
Caller/Guest
Yes, for sure. Bell ring.
Jake Johnson
So we created enough nonsense that he's like, oh, my wife believes in a stupid thing called Scooter Cooter. And her goofy friend. Her goofy friend thinks so, too. So she doesn't want to go on my scooter. It's insane. But moving on, I still like my scooter.
Danny J
That's winning by losing because he won that argument. But he won the war.
Gareth Reynolds
That's exactly. But, I mean, I think going in, we knew we were outmatched because, A, Scooter Cooter doesn't exist, and B, we're three dirt bags who would be like, yeah, I'll get on it. I'D get on that scooter naked. I wouldn't give a. Stop, Jake. Yeah, see, Dan gets it.
Jake Johnson
But.
Gareth Reynolds
But the point is, you went in there, you stuck to your guns enough, and you committed that. It worked. And on top of that, just once again, to be very clear, the recording is awesome. More people, when we ask for it, we know they go, what are you doing? You're producing. Let us cook.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, but Allison. I agree with garris, but Allison. 10 out of 10, dude. Well done.
Gareth Reynolds
10 out of 10. I would say 11 out of 10, because you were. You were going up against logic.
Danny J
Yes, yes. Like, you held on to, like. No, no, it's a real thing. It goes up my leg.
Gareth Reynolds
It goes around a micro. Microbiome.
Jake Johnson
It doesn't make any sense.
Gareth Reynolds
What you were calling a germ was a worm. I mean, the way that you were talking about how these things move, you were.
Jake Johnson
You were talking about a soldier.
Caller/Guest
Have you seen them, like, under a microscope, moving around? They move like worms sometimes.
Danny J
But that's a microscope.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, but what you. What you did was excellent. This is not a conversation about logic. It's a conversation about how do we keep you off this scooter seat.
Gareth Reynolds
Jake, to quote one of our favorite. Our favorite James Brown lyric, I don't know karate, but I know korezi.
Jake Johnson
Yeah, you fought. And, Allison, you won.
Caller/Guest
Yeah, I did. Thank you.
Jake Johnson
You know? Thank you.
Danny J
Yeah.
Jake Johnson
This is what this show is all about.
Danny J
You got what you wanted.
Jake Johnson
You got what. You got what you needed.
Danny J
And you'll never ride that disgusting scooter in your life.
Jake Johnson
No, you don't have to, because it's good.
Caller/Guest
Better not. If he asks me about it, then I'm gonna be calling back and be like, hey, guys, I need a plan
Gareth Reynolds
B. I already got a solve for that. So you call if you. You fake scooter cooter.
Jake Johnson
How would she do that, Gareth?
Gareth Reynolds
Did she crotch walking around going, what
Jake Johnson
are the other symptoms she has?
Gareth Reynolds
It's just. I don't think our callers want to hear what I'm gonna say.
Jake Johnson
We do. We do.
Gareth Reynolds
She's got a rashy, scratchy cooter.
Jake Johnson
Can you do that? Can you beatbox? And then throw those words into it?
Gareth Reynolds
Why are you doing.
Caller/Guest
I don't know. Because he would know. Like, because I'm such a germaphobe that I would be like, no, I gotta go to the doctor right away.
Gareth Reynolds
Yeah, then you take a doctor drive.
Jake Johnson
Allison, will you do a quick rap while Gareth, Dan, and I do a beatbox, and you incorporate the Words. Scratchy cooter.
Caller/Guest
I'll be honest. I don't know how to rap at all.
Danny J
Got to go to the doctor right away because my ha. Scooter. Scooter is coming today. I can't ride on my uncle's choke, because if I do that, you gonna choke. It's disgusting. It's nasty. The dude's a nudist. You better not ride it, or I'm out.
Jake Johnson
Dude, you had it.
Gareth Reynolds
I've never seen these two more connected.
Jake Johnson
I was like, he was going at a pace.
Gareth Reynolds
He was cooking.
Danny J
Yeah, I was inspired by Allison.
Gareth Reynolds
We all are. All right, Allison. Ride off into the sun. Sorry. Walk off into the sunset on this one. Killer job.
Caller/Guest
Yeah. No writing.
Gareth Reynolds
No writing. Way to go. Thank you for the call.
Jake Johnson
We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our patreon@patreon.com heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.
Gareth Reynolds
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix, and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by J. James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
Caller/Guest
That was a Headgum podcast.
Gareth Reynolds
Hi, I am Mandy Moore.
Jake Johnson
Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum.
Gareth Reynolds
Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.
Caller/Guest
This is us.
Jake Johnson
That's right.
Gareth Reynolds
We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
Jake Johnson
Are we gonna cry?
Gareth Reynolds
Yes, a little bit.
Jake Johnson
Are we gonna laugh a lot?
Gareth Reynolds
A whole lot.
Jake Johnson
That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.
Gareth Reynolds
New episodes every Tuesday.
Date: May 20, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest Host: Danny J
In this characteristically zany and heartfelt episode, Jake, Gareth, and Danny J field listener calls involving two highly original predicaments: first, a young woman’s quest to win her town’s corn eating contest (“Corn on the Cob-lem”), and second, the emotional journey of two friends trying to honor and part with a beloved, useless box (“The box that keeps on giving”). The trio also follows up with “Scooter Cooter,” a memorable past caller with an update on dealing with the aftermath of a nudist uncle’s scooter. Expect creative advice, a flurry of absurdity, and the warm camaraderie listeners have come to love.
Timestamp: 13:22
Problem: Emily wants to win her small-town corn-on-the-cob eating contest but can’t afford to “practice” with tons of real corn.
Highlights:
Advice Brainstorm (14:14–18:04)
Technique Innovation (18:04–25:02)
Final Training Plan & Quotes (27:12–36:36)
Key Moment:
Jake outlines the “scrape and shovel” strategy, shifting the competition from eating off cobs to eating piles of de-cobbed corn, providing home-friendly training tips.
Timestamp: 40:31
Problem: After five years using a giant yellow DeWalt miter saw box as makeshift furniture, she and her roommate want to honor its memory at a “Goodbye to Box” party and decide how to dispose of it.
Highlights:
Box Backstory & Emotional Attachment (41:04–47:03)
Legacy Preservation Pitches (47:22–50:29)
Logistics & Execution (53:45–55:10)
Reveal: The caller confesses her real name (“Arisa”) at the end, despite earlier secrecy (56:21).
Timestamp: 57:07
Background: Allison previously called about her husband buying a scooter from his nudist uncle, and her squeamishness about riding it due to “germ” concerns (dubbed “Scooter Cooter”).
Update:
Recap & Advice Outcomes (58:02–64:47)
Result:
Bonus: Gareth and Danny J riff a spontaneous “Scooter Cooter” rap, inspired by Allison’s success.
The episode moves at a quick, improvisational pace. The hosts are irreverent and playful, constantly riffing on each other while remaining supportive and interested in the callers’ lives. Sincerity underlies even the most absurd moments—a “we’re all in this together” vibe prevails, smoothing out the wildest advice.
This episode exemplifies the oddball empathy and innovative thinking central to “We’re Here to Help.” From corn competitions to cardboard funerals and mythical scooter maladies, Jake, Gareth, and Danny J deliver memorable, creative, and often preposterously practical solutions—all while building lasting bonds with their listeners.