291: Corn on the Cob-lem and The Box That Keeps On Giving

Summary

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Podcast Summary: “We're Here to Help”

Episode 291: "Corn on the Cob-lem and The box that keeps on giving"

Date: May 20, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest Host: Danny J

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Overview

In this characteristically zany and heartfelt episode, Jake, Gareth, and Danny J field listener calls involving two highly original predicaments: first, a young woman’s quest to win her town’s corn eating contest (“Corn on the Cob-lem”), and second, the emotional journey of two friends trying to honor and part with a beloved, useless box (“The box that keeps on giving”). The trio also follows up with “Scooter Cooter,” a memorable past caller with an update on dealing with the aftermath of a nudist uncle’s scooter. Expect creative advice, a flurry of absurdity, and the warm camaraderie listeners have come to love.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction & Banter (00:35–12:58)

• Locker Room Nostalgia and Nudist Tangents (00:35–04:46)
  • Jake reminisces about high school “naked Frisbee” and discusses his theoretical openness to nudist living (“If the cards fell slightly different in my life, the answer is yes.” — Jake, 01:49).
  • Gareth references the show “Neighbors” and jokes about Jake’s nude beach ambitions.
• International Live Show Dreams (03:31–05:22)
  • The team discusses wild concepts for recording their show in non-English-speaking countries, live-translation bits, and the oddness of previous road gigs.
• Fashion, Weight, and Perms (05:41–08:19)
  • Jokes about retiring perms (“It wasn’t a perm. It was curling cream. But ... I decided I don't need it anymore and I tossed it.” — Gareth, 06:18), weight fluctuations, wardrobe regrets, and the possibility of Patreon exclusives about pants.

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2. The “Corn on the Cob-lem” Problem (12:58–36:36)

Caller #1: Emily from Pennsylvania

Timestamp: 13:22
Problem: Emily wants to win her small-town corn-on-the-cob eating contest but can’t afford to “practice” with tons of real corn.

Highlights:

• Advice Brainstorm (14:14–18:04)

  • Hosts praise Emily’s succinct problem pitch.
  • Jake’s first tip: “Typewriter” technique—biting left to right, then shifting up the rows (“I ate two pieces of corn in three minutes ... I need to actually win this year.” — Emily, 13:54).
  • Gareth probes rules, interference by “Dairy Princesses,” and officiating details.

• Technique Innovation (18:04–25:02)

  • Strategies discussed:
    • Pour ice water on corn to cool it before eating
    • Test if retainers or orthodontics confer advantage (“Retainers aren't cheating. Retainers are part of the mouth.” — Jake, 23:43)
    • Scraping vs. beaver-style gnawing
    • Chewing safety, and letting the “cobblem” (the cob) not slow you down

• Final Training Plan & Quotes (27:12–36:36)

  • “Pour water on eight pieces of cob. Cools everything down... I'm strategizing, you stupid dopes.” — Jake, 27:41
  • Suggest creating a corn “pile” by scraping all kernels onto a plate, then shoveling them in with your fingers for efficiency (28:26–29:52).
  • Regular practice using frozen corn and timing finger shoveling to maximize speed.
  • Emphasis on NOT cheating: “I just think I want to win on my own.” — Jake, 25:43
  • The trio encourages Emily to record her training for the show and aim for the “Corn Cob Princess” title (32:55).
  • Alternate methods humorously suggested include motor-boating the corn pile or rolling the plate into a funnel.

Key Moment:
Jake outlines the “scrape and shovel” strategy, shifting the competition from eating off cobs to eating piles of de-cobbed corn, providing home-friendly training tips.

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3. The Box That Keeps On Giving (40:31–55:51)

Caller #2: “Jane” (Arisa) from Brooklyn

Timestamp: 40:31
Problem: After five years using a giant yellow DeWalt miter saw box as makeshift furniture, she and her roommate want to honor its memory at a “Goodbye to Box” party and decide how to dispose of it.

Highlights:

• Box Backstory & Emotional Attachment (41:04–47:03)

  • “It’s a big yellow, could-fit-a-child box ... there’s no reason for us to have this box. We just love it.” — Jane, 41:04
  • The hosts are surprised (and a bit appalled) at the sentimental value attached to such obvious “garbage.”
  • “It’s a pet.” — Gareth, 47:13

• Legacy Preservation Pitches (47:22–50:29)

  • Jake: Cut pieces from the box and frame them—“like when a baseball stadium is getting knocked down ... take some of the grass and put it in a glass jar.” (47:22)
  • Gareth: Ups the ante—also burn the box, collect the ashes, and keep them in an urn as a “funeral” for the box.
  • Discusses the sentimental process of saying goodbye, with eulogies and photos presented at the party.

• Logistics & Execution (53:45–55:10)

  • Jane wonders where she can burn the box in Brooklyn; the hosts suggest alleys, metal buckets, or grilling it in a public park with a decoy cooler for cover (“…just so when you go to the park, it doesn’t look like you went there just to burn a box on a grill.” — Gareth, 55:10).
  • The friends are asked to film the process and send it to the show for editing as a tribute.

• Reveal: The caller confesses her real name (“Arisa”) at the end, despite earlier secrecy (56:21).

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4. Follow-up: “Scooter Cooter” Redux (55:55–70:06)

Caller #3: Allison

Timestamp: 57:07
Background: Allison previously called about her husband buying a scooter from his nudist uncle, and her squeamishness about riding it due to “germ” concerns (dubbed “Scooter Cooter”).

Update:

• Recap & Advice Outcomes (58:02–64:47)

  • Danny J is mystified—“Windex, a little Clorox, and you’re done.” (59:16)
  • Allison put the hosts’ advice into practice, feigning infectious concern and roping in a friend for credibility to convince her husband.
  • Plays a hilariously tense audio recording of her and her husband debating scooter seat hygiene and the myth of “Scooter Cooter.”

• Result:

  • The husband dropped the issue, not asking Allison to ride again.
  • “You went in there, you stuck to your guns enough, and you committed that it worked.” — Gareth, 66:44
  • “10 out of 10, dude. Well done.” — Jake, 67:05

• Bonus: Gareth and Danny J riff a spontaneous “Scooter Cooter” rap, inspired by Allison’s success.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If the cards fell slightly different in my life, the answer is yes.” — Jake, on potential nudist living (01:49)
• “The typewriter is ... one left to right. You shift up, never stopping.” — Danny J explains the classic corn-eating move (15:25)
• “I don't go to Yale, we've got corn off the cob at Yale.” — Jake, joking about college dining (18:41)
• “Pour water on eight pieces of cob... I'm strategizing, you stupid dopes.” — Jake, on corn tech upgrade (27:41)
• “Retainers aren’t cheating. Retainers are part of the mouth.” — Jake, on creative competitive tactics (23:43)
• “I don't want to just litter ... but we want to honor its life.” — Jane/Arisa on box farewell (41:20)
• “Cut part of the box out and frame it ... make a deal that it will always hang on your wall.” — Jake, (47:22)
• “Burn the box, grab the ashes, put it in the urn, and then ... have a night after that. That’s the doing part. Then go to have a service...” — Jake, on heartfelt closure to box era (51:34)
• “Scooter Cooter doesn’t exist, and we’re three dirtbags who’d be like, ‘yeah, I’d get on that scooter naked!’” — Gareth, (66:28)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:35–08:19: Opening banter, nudism talk, podcast logistics, wardrobe jokes.
• 13:22–36:36: Emily’s “Corn on the Cob” dilemma, with deep dives on eating techniques and contest strategy.
• 40:31–55:51: “Farewell to Box”—Jane/Arisa’s sentimental item saga, with advice on closure rituals.
• 57:07–70:06: “Scooter Cooter” follow-up—how a manufactured medical issue solved a marital standoff.
• Select Quotes:
  • “Pour water on eight pieces of cob. Cools everything down ... I’m strategizing, you stupid dopes.” (27:41)
  • “Scooter Cooter doesn’t exist, and we’re three dirtbags who’d be like, ‘yeah, I’d get on that scooter naked!’” (66:28)
  • “10 out of 10, dude. Well done.” — Jake (67:05)

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Tone and Style

The episode moves at a quick, improvisational pace. The hosts are irreverent and playful, constantly riffing on each other while remaining supportive and interested in the callers’ lives. Sincerity underlies even the most absurd moments—a “we’re all in this together” vibe prevails, smoothing out the wildest advice.

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Conclusion

This episode exemplifies the oddball empathy and innovative thinking central to “We’re Here to Help.” From corn competitions to cardboard funerals and mythical scooter maladies, Jake, Gareth, and Danny J deliver memorable, creative, and often preposterously practical solutions—all while building lasting bonds with their listeners.

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Transcript

[Caller/Guest]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are back. You know, we were just talking about

[Gareth Reynolds]

what, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

Locker rooms, male genitalia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This has been. People who are listening to these intros a week apart are like, boy, they really is hanging on this subject.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, what we did in high school. I'm just remembering when Jerry Garcia was still alive. We were copying Dazed and Confused. Everybody's smoking great grass. We started doing, like, big nature hikes, and there'd be a group of us, and we started experimenting with taking all of our clothes. So it'd be like four.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Taking all your clothes off?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Having a naked walk.

[Jake Johnson]

Having, like, a naked Frisbee. Smoking joints naked. This is couple guys, couple girls, nothing. Nobody's hooking up, but just being like, we're just sitting on the dirt with our underpants off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you see that show Neighbors on hbo?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. I loved it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The last episode. The nudist colony one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I love that show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I could see you ending up in that environment. Could you do nudist living? It seems like it.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, the truth is, probably depends. If the cards fell slightly different in my life, the answer is yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would the celebrity factor make it a no go?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it'd be different. That's. That's taking a lot of that away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, honestly, when New Girl first started, I had a. A moment with. I think it was Max. That was really embarrassing from the way he looked at me. But I said, like, one of the worst parts about this is, like, we're no longer anonymous and that. And he. He kept trying to say, like, what are you talking about? And one of the things I was thinking about was, like, nude beaches, nude volleyball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you tell him? A little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

We were hinting at it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were hinting at it?

[Jake Johnson]

I just like to say we. But he was picking up on it. Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he was like, oh, okay. You mean naked volleyball. He enjoyed it.

[Jake Johnson]

He finally got like, what are you talking about? What did you say?

[Danny J]

Want to go

[Gareth Reynolds]

without further ado card back then? It's a great way out. Let me tell you one random thing, but I've been talking with Samantha over at Patreon a lot, and we have a Patreon idea, which is we're gonna find the biggest Patreon in Greenland and we're going to collaborate on a Patreon talk together to try to get our Greenland numbers up. She was like, I think I know who's popular in Greenland on Patreon.

[Danny J]

Let's

[Jake Johnson]

line it up really A great idea.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we're gonna try to get our Greenland numbers up, like four.

[Jake Johnson]

Why don't we make it a life effort to do a live show in Greenland, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. We did a dollop in Iceland.

[Jake Johnson]

No. Well, Iceland's so great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. But we did not. It wasn't like we were like, we're gonna have so many. We just wanted to go to Iceland. I mean, we were in a huge venue.

[Jake Johnson]

How was it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I was. Being in Iceland was great. Being in a banquet room that probably seats 400 for 75 people who are, like, not 100% on what we were talking about. A little more awkward, but it was awesome. Yeah. But we did it all to just write off the trip.

[Jake Johnson]

But it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a great trip. But the show was the part where you're like.

[Caller/Guest]

It was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, some people loved it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But then it was just not.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a language barrier.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a language barrier. We. It was a very strange.

[Jake Johnson]

I would love to do a live weird. Help. In a country where nobody speaks English. I want to get one thing. Film the whole thing. An entire audience. Nobody speaks a lick of it. And we're taking the calls, or we take the calls in a live show, but we hear the callers on headphones, and they only hear half of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or. You know what? I would. I would love to get the UN Translating earpiece, you know, where if we were just getting the calls and we were sitting there just like. And then we were like, yes, of course. Like, they're translating for us. It would be a nightmare. But I like the idea of it.

[Jake Johnson]

I like the idea of having somebody translate to the. You know what? I would, like, actually go to a country, have two translators. One of them we put in a permit. One of them we make them, like, scowling the whole time, and they have to translate in real time as we're talking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The perm clip with Casey Wilson has hit quite well. And the funniest part is what I saw today is my face as I'm like, this is coming back to me. I knew the perm conversation about her dad getting a perm. I was like, this is coming my direction, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

The perm is gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The perm's gone. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say, I know a bunch of girls are gonna say they missed. You look great. This looks way better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It wasn't a perm. It was curling cream. But I did in a ceremony recently.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, an ayahuasca ceremony?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just one way it looked at the curling cream and I said, I don't need this.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't need this. Like it's a cape.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, like it was a cape.

[Jake Johnson]

Not that. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What am I doing? I love how your version of it. What am I doing?

[Jake Johnson]

It wasn't like you hit it for 20 years. It was like the Kansas four months later go. Like, I don't need this anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I decided I don't need it anymore and I tossed it. I thought, yeah, maybe I'll be back. But maybe not really emotional. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Were you a little emotional? No, I was ready to move on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sometimes I see clips that are posted from the perm days and I think, yeah, maybe he was right. There's a. There's a clip of me. There's a clip of my stand up poster. Whereas I'm in purple pants with that hair. And I was like, yeah, that moment

[Jake Johnson]

got away from me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's in my mid-40s.

[Jake Johnson]

My equivalent of that is every once in a while I'll see a clip where I've let myself get bigger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I see those in myself too. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'll go like, yeah, I let things go for a little bit there.

[Danny J]

That's a big.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a big boy, dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. When I pack for the road, there are there. I think I have to try pants up before I go. And this last one, dude. What? Eliminating pants to get to the big fat boys were the only ones. I could barely fit into it. I was going, I agree. And I was like, I'm about to go on the road. This is going to be bad.

[Jake Johnson]

What's the next big tour?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm off for a minute.

[Jake Johnson]

Good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a few months and then we're trying to figure out when we're going to take the movie on the road. That's like the next thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, no way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I have like literally a few months. I mean, I dip out a little bit, but for the first time.

[Jake Johnson]

This is years for you, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm getting into those other pants. The special pants I wore for my special. Yeah, dude, just quince dream pants. If I put those on, I should almost, for a Patreon extra try to put those.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, you know, I'm a teasing guy. I like it. I promise you. You look good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You what? I look good. When I take my special, I fit into pants. And I was like, yes, now you would, it would. You would roll. You would fall. You would fall over with me going like, like not connect. It was like, yeah, no, I'm wearing.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I wear shorts and sweatpants these days exclusively.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm in underwear. All right, everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Without everybody, check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early and there's also back catalog episodes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. So we're here to help. Is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. It's just. Join us. Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Saily, the new ESIM service significantly reduce or eliminate roaming fees with plans in 200 plus destinations designed for frequent travelers. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

I think this is going to have a lot more to do with the G Man than it does me, but I am going to pass it on to my king here. G man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Danny J]

Hello. Welcome to the show. Would you please tell us your name, where you're from, what your problem is? Because, by the way, besides the exceptional dynamic duo of Jake and Gareth, you also get Jake's older, wiser brother, affectionately known as Danny J. Talk to us.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to help.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. So my name's Emily. I'm from Pennsylvania. And my problem is. So the town I live in has A corn festival every year. And one part of it is they have a corn eating competition. So last year, they needed participants. So I said, hell, yeah. And I participated. But I went in really cocky for having no preparation. I ate two pieces of corn in three minutes, which compared to, like, the eight, the winner eight was kind of abysmal.

[Danny J]

Wow.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. So I kind of was like, I need to actually win this year because this is my last year. But I was cool because I'm leaving. So my problem is I need help figuring out how do I train for a corn eating competition without just eating a bunch of corn. Because, like, I'm in college. I don't have a college. Like, I don't have a corn budget.

[Danny J]

Yeah, right, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just. May I just say, Emily, I think this is the best launch into a problem pitch we've had. There was no small talk. This is the elevator. This is literally an elevator ride with time to spare. You got that all out in clear.

[Jake Johnson]

You did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Precise. Perfect. And a great problem. So you need to learn how to win a corn eating competition.

[Danny J]

Awesome. Well, you've come to the right place. Obviously. Emily, phenomenal problem. Obviously. Jake has a lot of experience eating corn in the cob. He's picked up a lot of tips and techniques along the way, and I think he's going to share the one with you, which is, like, kind of basic. But then we're going to get into the more creative stuff after this. Jake, when you eat your corn in the cob at Carson's and you go through three or four of them a night without a hitch, how do you do that?

[Jake Johnson]

Typewriter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. Dan, how would you explain the technique? It's pretty clear to most of us who watch Looney Tunes, but.

[Caller/Guest]

Right.

[Danny J]

The typewriter is essentially, you take the corn on the cob, which is a cylinder, and you're going to do a plane at a time. One left to right.

[Jake Johnson]

You shift up, never stopping.

[Danny J]

No. Then right to left, shift up left to right. You're swallowing as you're biting, but you're

[Jake Johnson]

also letting it go on the side sometimes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's where I am. You're beaver.

[Jake Johnson]

You're beavering because what this thing is not. You don't get weight.

[Caller/Guest]

I went with that.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Emily, you're not getting weight at the beginning and the end. Imagine a beaver with a piece of wood. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is the officiating situation here? How tightly are they watching the niblets?

[Caller/Guest]

So you gotta wait. So they have, like, we have a bucket of corn in front of us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Caller/Guest]

And they Keep refilling it. The Dairy Princesses come around and fill it up with more corn.

[Jake Johnson]

What are the Dairy Princesses wearing?

[Caller/Guest]

Like they're full princess dresses and their

[Jake Johnson]

crowns and this isn't what kind of town in Pennsylvania. This is wild. This would be fun.

[Danny J]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

When is it? Should we send Berg to it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, without question, Berg should go to this. Keep going. But yes, Berg is there.

[Caller/Guest]

Like didn't like lower Pennsylvania, more like Southern Pennsylvania.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Her goes to Pennsylvania a good amount too. So this is.

[Jake Johnson]

This is when is the competition.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What does it maybe try to get Steve Berg into it to compete against?

[Caller/Guest]

I know that's last Saturday in August.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he's available.

[Jake Johnson]

So now back to you because this isn't about us sending in a ringer to beat you. This is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is now.

[Jake Johnson]

But what it could be is one of us is your coach, one of us is Steve's coach and Dan is the both playing both sides of the fence.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Danny J]

And we definitely need more Rocky music for the training.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly.

[Danny J]

Training montage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Danny J]

Yeah, this is.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not what the. I know, but let's. Really nice. But let's put that to the side for now. Emily, talk about your technique, Talk about what you've tried. Talk about where you're at, talk about who's there, who's good.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, also, Emily, tell us another problem

[Danny J]

with the corn that you mentioned in your email.

[Caller/Guest]

So my. The corn was piping hot, which was not great. I didn't anticipate that they were serving like fresh out the boiler, hot corn.

[Danny J]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

So that was like terrible on the gums. I had also just gotten my braces off, so, you know, why not celebrate with eating some corn on the cob? But you know, my, like, I can't lose because like, my friends, well, you know, they're picking on me so I really need to make sure I win.

[Jake Johnson]

So. Okay, so everybody's dealing with hot corn.

[Caller/Guest]

Everyone. It's a lot of amateurs. Okay, A lot of amateurs. But then there's like, you know, you get one person who's like, done this their whole life. You know, there were like two people. We were just straight, like, going at it. I was re. Watching the footage, the play by play.

[Danny J]

Nice.

[Caller/Guest]

And it was crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Danny J]

Are you telling me they don't have corn in the cob in college?

[Caller/Guest]

Emily, we do, but not in the dining hall or anything, really. No, no, we don't.

[Danny J]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't go to like, Yale. We have corn off the cob.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't go to Yale.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Corn.

[Jake Johnson]

The Best. I don't go to Yale I've ever heard. I don't go to Yale. We've got corn off the cob at Yale. You just imagine everybody going like, is your corn on the cob?

[Gareth Reynolds]

More comp.

[Jake Johnson]

Sir, you gave me a bowl of corn that's off the. I gotta eat it. Ale for sake.

[Danny J]

That's shocking. University of Oxford defeated us in the rankings this year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bring me the nibbletter.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, that's hilarious, Emily. But let me. Let me ask you a quick question. You allowed to use a fork and a knife?

[Caller/Guest]

I don't think we were provided with a fork and a knife. I thought about that method. You know, I. Because we're going to water bottle, you get some salt and you get some pepper, and then you just get corn.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, here's my first pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a pitch, too. Go.

[Jake Johnson]

You take the water. You douse the corn to cool it.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Jake Johnson]

Corn in front of you. You ask for ice water before. It's a technique.

[Caller/Guest]

It's only bottled, though.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I was thinking it should be cold enough, I think. I think if you. I was going to suggest something similar. Bring some ice. Put some ice in the water when they give it to you.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know.

[Caller/Guest]

That might be against regulation.

[Jake Johnson]

You feel like it's okay? How about this? How about this? Cap teeth.

[Danny J]

Oh, everything's cheating. I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

This is, like, it's not necessarily cheating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also do think I like that. And I also think where we were sniffing around earlier, they're not gonna know how much you put corn. Eating corn, there's a lot that comes off of the cob.

[Danny J]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So if you're.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Danny J]

Even if you're a yali, that's how they do it. They eat, like, 25% of the niblets at best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, now.

[Danny J]

Cafeteria is disgusting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now. Now, the people who won. There was one person who won. Was there anyone close to putting up the numbers? Like, the person who won. It made you made it sound like there were a couple, maybe.

[Caller/Guest]

I think there might have been a tie. And they had to have a corn eat off. But the. The one person caved in and said, I can't eat anymore. So it was close to having to be a corn eat off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hmm.

[Danny J]

All right, I got a pitch, too. Go.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Danny J]

So, like, I think the typewriter. It's as outdated and archaic is that writing instrument. I think it's time to go to the Pac Man. You take the cob and you chomp across the entire, like, Radius of it.

[Jake Johnson]

This is insane. Right? So you talking about going like this.

[Danny J]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't hate what you just did.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a. That's a.

[Danny J]

You took a turn that I'm not willing to follow.

[Jake Johnson]

Fair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought you were talking about the insertion scrape out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that. What a. Well labeled. Well labeled. I think the only time you hear more teeth.

[Danny J]

And that they do at Yale, I think you're doing it perpendicular to your face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Danny J]

But you chomp the entire cob. You're scraping top and bottom, like, gently, just to get the niblets out. And then in the middle, you chomp down. Do you swallow most of the niblets? No. You don't care. But the point is, you're trying to do like three, four, five chomps to a half and then flip it over. Three, four, five chomps to have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're done.

[Danny J]

You're done if you do the typewriter.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. Go ahead, Emily.

[Caller/Guest]

We did try. We did. So I got five pieces of corn last year, and with each one, I tried a different method for each one. So I did. And I timed them to see what the best of the most efficient timing was. It was. It was bleak looking in because, you know, I only had a minute for my best score.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

But I did like the typewriter. I did the. I used a lot of the rotating typewriter where you do like a diagonal across. I even tried with my retainer on to see if that would help.

[Danny J]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You should have called us last year. I would just. Purely from an orthodontic standpoint.

[Jake Johnson]

We keep. So let me ask you a question, Emily. First of all, how old are you?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm 20.

[Jake Johnson]

You're 20. Okay. And at this point, the braces and the retainer are gone. My question is this. You got any metal in your mouth?

[Caller/Guest]

Not anymore. I'll have a different retainer, but it won't be the same. We'll provide any advantage, I don't think anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we don't know that for sure because what we're looking for is if you naturally have a little bit of metal in your mouth, maybe we can use it as a scraping device.

[Danny J]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Secret.

[Danny J]

Secret.

[Jake Johnson]

But, hey, retainers aren't cheating. Retainers are part of the mouth.

[Danny J]

Totally.

[Jake Johnson]

So if the retainer. Right before you started, you used your tug, I pushed over cleaner forward so that the metal part was sticking out, and you just went straight. Like you're literally painting the wall and you're scraping all the. Like, you got. Imagine the Corn. Like one of those walls that have stucco on it.

[Danny J]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We're trying to get all the stucco off. So you need a tool. That's what the tainer is for.

[Danny J]

It's like a prisoner with a shiv in your mouth. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're calling it a tainer. Go ahead.

[Caller/Guest]

I think that could be possible. I don't know how my mom would feel about that, but don't worry about your mom.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we worried about your mom? Are we worried about winning?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, don't worry about your mom going to handle you. We're worried about the history books, but.

[Caller/Guest]

So the other. I think the hardest part was. Yeah. Swallowing the corn because you get too much of the corn off. Then like you got like. I don't want to choke on corn either.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're.

[Jake Johnson]

We're going to chew it. Yeah. So one thing we can't help you with at 20 years old is how to chew goddamn corn. Here, kid, we're not talking about choking on the goddamn corn again. We're going to assume you know how to eat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I might lead us in a wild direction where even these two lunatics will pull me back from. All right, are you ready?

[Danny J]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You ready?

[Jake Johnson]

Ready? Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want you to sneak in a couple prop cobs. I want you to have pre eaten cobs, two to three of them. And you're going to, over the course of the competition, toss two or three of the fake cobs. The prop cobs in the bucket. So at the end they're gonna have a couple extra cob props that you tossed in.

[Danny J]

Gareth, you're like.

[Caller/Guest]

That might work. I'm a little scared the Dairy Princesses might rat me out, though.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say, I'm not into the cheating here, Emily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

And I just think I want to

[Caller/Guest]

win on my own.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too. Can I give you a pitch here? Here's what. Here's what I really think, actually, so walk me. First of all, I've got a quote. This pitches in a. Questions first. How many pieces of corn won last year and how many did you eat?

[Caller/Guest]

I think it was somewhere between maybe like seven or eight. I ate two.

[Jake Johnson]

Seven or eight as a winner is not hard to beat. How long do you have?

[Caller/Guest]

So it's in August. I have about four months.

[Jake Johnson]

No, how long is the actual eating competition?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, you have three minutes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

And once a cob is cleaned, you drop it in the bucket, you go on to the next. Then at the end, they count how clean how many you have. Right. So I watch a lot of terrible television and one of the things I watch is man versus Food, where both. Yeah. Way too many episodes of it.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would argue. I've seen every episode of the show, and I don't even know if I like it.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you. I don't like it. And I see everyone, and I don't like when the host is being, like, funny and doing, like, gang signs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. He doesn't agree. He's like, the amount of talk west

[Jake Johnson]

side of the eating of my mouth versus the east side, I'm like, you're a heavy guy. Eating corn on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When we made eating athletics in this country, I don't think that was a bad move.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a huge mistake. But that's not what this is about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what I'm saying. All we need, Emily, is seven goddamn pieces of corn. And what that show does is. And here's what you and everybody else are doing wrong. You're trying to do everything at once. So, for example, it starts. The first thing you do, pour water on eight pieces of cob. Cools everything down, takes a second. People go, what is she doing? She's not even eating. I'm strategizing, you stupid dopes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, idiots.

[Jake Johnson]

You. You smell town dopes.

[Danny J]

Hey, take it easy, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Trust me.

[Danny J]

These are her peers and friends. She's not going to insult them because she's an accomplish.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm cooking. Then after 15 seconds, Emily, here's what you do. You create a beaver type overbite. Just scrape on a plate, hold the plate like a bib under your chin, and scrape the corn. Scrape the corn. Scrape the corn. Don't eat anything with the retainer if you can. If not, if we're afraid of mom, use your goddamn teeth. But here's what we're doing, Emily. We're not eating a bite of corn. We're creating a pile of corn on a plate.

[Danny J]

Dang.

[Jake Johnson]

Throw it away. Throw it away till you've got about a minute left. At that point, you have a pile of corn and seven cobs, 95 empty. Then when they. You look and there's a minute remaining, or a minute and 15 remaining. Baby girl, you shove that corn in like it's your life depended on it.

[Danny J]

And guess what? You may not go to Yale, Emily, but at your college, you can get unlimited corn in cups so you can practice every.

[Jake Johnson]

Every day.

[Danny J]

You're gonna.

[Caller/Guest]

And the way I think, I think that might work.

[Jake Johnson]

And, Emily, here's how you practice, though it's important how you do it. Yeah. Create a Pile. Put the plate at your mouth. Do not let your peers see you because they will copy the technique. Take two fingers together like a little hockey stick and learn how to shovel it in. Yeah, but without the tongue. Yeah, because the time would block it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, like this.

[Jake Johnson]

The plate goes like the bottom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bang, bang. Starting.

[Jake Johnson]

Emily, the plate goes bottom lip. Two fingers get low on the table. So you might want to get low enough that you don't even have to hold the plate. Go two fingers. Shovel and shovel in. Shovel. Like pinball. Like, like you're playing pinball.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, I think that might work. I think the cooling down. The corner of the water, I think is definitely going to be. Plus the retainer helps avoid the whole. Like, it's too hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyway, in Jake's pitch, the corn is going to be out of your mouth pretty quickly and onto the plate. So you're going to have a cooling

[Jake Johnson]

time as soon as it's going to cool down. So. But you just don't want to burden yourself early. It's like if you need to do a chug in competition and it's too cold, it's the cold that makes you quit sometimes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So everybody who starts is going to go, like, my mouth kind of hurts. This sucks. And you're going to go, I'm prepping. Yeah.

[Danny J]

If you do it though, and you take your water and you spill it on the corn and you wait. I think it's important that you stand up while they're all like idiots doing the typewriter method. And you look at them with contempt and disdain and say, I am about to win. Or then you start.

[Jake Johnson]

Or you go real hammy and you pretend to sleep like, boring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Danny J]

Check your watch.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then. Then might I suggest we wear the old timey Three Stooges sleeping outfit?

[Jake Johnson]

Then with a minute left, you'd be like, yeah. An alarm goes off, you go like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta wake up and go to work.

[Jake Johnson]

But Emily, here's what you can do to practice as part of your diet as a 20 year old girl. Every day you get a bag of frozen corn. At night, with dinner, you shovel it into your mouth using your fingers.

[Danny J]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And the cafeteria go fat and go faster and faster. See if you can eat an entire cooked bag, it's got to be warm. You got to get used to it. See if you can eat an entire bag in 30 seconds.

[Caller/Guest]

I like how the pitch really eliminates the cob from the problem too. So that makes practice more feasible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake calls it a cobblem because that's what it is. It's an issue. It's a hurdle. And now we're eliminating it. And Jake is Jake. If you could see him right now, he's nodding his head. He agrees with cobham as a term that we're using from God. Gareth, he's a gift from God. He's happy about it. Obviously, most people. But I do think. I do think, as insane as all this sounds, if you just cob the plate and you go hockey style, see how much you can ram in there. Get better at that.

[Jake Johnson]

And also, once a week, you. Once a week you practice scraping. Yeah, but Emily, what do you think about starting to do some practicing and filming yourself doing it? Sending it to us. We'll have Kyle cut some of these together. We'll put some music to it. But what do you think about. You start training and sending us videos as you go? Just email them in and we'll kind of build this up until August.

[Caller/Guest]

I like that. I definitely could do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, good.

[Caller/Guest]

I think it'll. Yeah. I mean, I go to school for videos, so it'll be, oh, then you.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, then you cut it.

[Caller/Guest]

Then.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. You know what this is? An internship.

[Danny J]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, this is. This is an assignment because you're the

[Danny J]

magician and guess you're the stand. You keep doing this, you're going to be the Corn Cob Princess. Those Dairy Princesses, they're useless.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Danny J]

You can handle this Corn Cob Princess.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. But here's what we're looking for. Emily, I want you to do one, obviously, this week, where I want you to get actual corn on the cob and see how long it takes you to do seven or eights to win time yourself. Try the technique. Film it with a timer in the background. So you're like. Took me nine and a half minutes and I. So now we know we're six and a half minutes too long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'll be good to see the pile of it off the cob. So, you know if a bag of frozen corn is a one, that represents. Yeah, right.

[Danny J]

What exactly is that pile? How enormous?

[Jake Johnson]

Not enormous.

[Danny J]

Let's see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Emily, how are you feeling? I think we're gonna. We'll be weighing in before you get there.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, we'll have you back on a couple times if you're making these videos.

[Danny J]

And the other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Make the video. Let's see it.

[Danny J]

Just one more pitch. I'm not sure about the pinball machine. It might work. I'm not against it, but I think there's something to. Like the motorboat. And you just dive right into that Pile. It could be much faster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Show mommy how the piggies eat.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Danny J]

Just. Just dive into the pile of corn immediately. And if some of them get in the ground, we don't care. The Dairy Prince don't care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there's too much.

[Jake Johnson]

There's going to be something that they say we call hogwash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's also the technique that if you get a paper plate, a skill.

[Jake Johnson]

You got a skill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could tube it up, roll it like a burrito, and pour it down your throat as these two brothers have a feud that we're in the middle of.

[Danny J]

That's not bad either.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could roll the plate and sort of pound it in.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, G. Do that motion again, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I won't, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead, Emily, can we clip that motion?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got one earlier.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, I'll clip it with yours, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's my NAT attack. Yeah. Natalie jumping in with. Yeah, I'll clip it with yours.

[Danny J]

So nice.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Emily, I feel like we call you Mo. She's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's be honest, she just clunked our heads together.

[Jake Johnson]

I pretend to be Mo. I'm the. I'm Curly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, you're. You're Larry because you're like, I'm in charge, but Natalie's Mo. And I'm just. The guy's like, my head hurts.

[Danny J]

That's exactly right.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so, Emily, tell us what you're gonna do here, because I. I think we're winning here. But what matters is, is you. So tell us what's happening. Walk us through what you're going to do. Starting tonight.

[Caller/Guest]

I think I'm gonna do what I did before, you know, really, really hone down the method. You know, what method is quickest? What method of scraping is the quickest?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

And then I think from there, start practicing that one specifically. And then also practice the actual eating of the corn regularly. Pretty regularly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So see how long it takes. Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Danny J]

It just feels to me like we're, you know, sort of like three men and a little lady. And we're like, you know what? Our little five year old's gonna be an Olympic champion. Let's take her to the community ice rink and let her start to skate. That's what it feels like today. And in August, we're going to be the ones in a Coke commercial crying that she earned the gold medal because we really did it, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, thanks for coming on today, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, Emily. Say bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace Gareth Reynolds, tell them about your website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, every, I, I keep building different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace, but I, I've been working with Squarespace for a while. Could not be more user friendly. They make it very easy and your website looks great. And we've built multiple websites on this show because it's so easy. They really, they help you find the domain, they help you get.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, here to help. Pod.com is our show website that is constantly evolving. And one thing I want to say, and that's a squarespace. Guys, check out the website because it's starting to evolve a little bit. So we've gotten emails from people being like, where do I find the blank in the blank? Well, go to heretohelppod.com which is a squarespace website, to get all the answers you need. Squarespace gives you everything you need. It's got cutting edge design. It's got. You can put donations on there. Fun directly on your website if you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can put content on there. There's also is the SEO tools, which for a while I just kept saying it and I didn't know what it was, but I don't know what it is. I'm gonna tell you. It's search engine optimization. So it's like if someone's looking for what you provide, they help you get higher in the search, which can be huge.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think optimization is good.

[Jake Johnson]

There you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Coming in at the end.

[Jake Johnson]

So check out squarespace.com Gil sent me. Ms. Gil. Can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake Johnson, SEO Tools. Talk about being left behind in the search. That would be Gilbyu, Canada. An island by himself. Things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe. I'm still in the closet waiting for someone to come find me.

[Jake Johnson]

But actually, Gil, it looks like your microphone is not plugged in, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So sorry, I didn't understand how that was. Anyway, Squarespace slash. Gil sent me. We're back.

[Jake Johnson]

Save 10 off your first purchase of a website or a domain using Gil sent me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're back, baby. Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quince. Lately, I've been more intentional about what I wear day to day. Leaning into pieces that feel easy, comfortable and put together just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my go to. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are clean, and everything just works without needing to overthink it. This is real talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Literally tomorrow going on the road for about 11 days and it's all quints. It's all quints. If it's not quints, it's because it's soon to be quints. It makes getting dressed easy. And I know that maybe sounds wild to some people, but quint is my go to. I know that I look as good as I can.

[Jake Johnson]

I have bought probably nine Quint shirts. I do a bunch of the black T shirts and lately I've done the short sleeve collared shirts. And I'll tell you why. I can wear it on the pod. I could wear it out socially to a lunch, easy. But I could also wear it to a business event.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Caller/Guest]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, how are you? Can we get your name, please?

[Caller/Guest]

Sure. It's Jane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jane. Real name Jane.

[Caller/Guest]

No made up name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Felt it.

[Caller/Guest]

My name is uncommon, so I didn't want to use it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good work though.

[Caller/Guest]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fake age. Jane,

[Caller/Guest]

34. That's a real age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Where are you fake calling from?

[Caller/Guest]

Fake calling from Brooklyn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. Okay, Jane, 34, Brooklyn. What's going on?

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, so I'm going to try and explain this clearly. For the last five years, my friend and I have had this cardboard box. It came from a Dewalt Miter saw. So it's big and yellow, could fit like a large child. And it's empty. We've had it empty for five years. The only thing inside of it is like the original Styrofoam packaging. There's no reason for us to have this box. We just love it. We've used it as a coffee table, as a TV stand. Usually it's just sitting in the living room. And you know, she moved and she brought the box with her. And now it's been five years and it's time to get rid of this box. So we're going to throw ourselves a party called A Farewell to Box. And we kind of have ideas for it. But at the end of this party, we want to get rid of this box. It doesn't have to be that we're getting rid of it, but we need to do something with this box. It can't be in the apartment anymore. So our question for you is, what can we do with this box to preserve its legacy or, like, honor its life? But it can be anything. The only parameters are that we don't want to litter, so we can't just set it afloat in the east river. And we don't really want to make a fun in public. But our friends would be down to do whatever, and we'll do whatever with this box. It just can't be in the apartment anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got pictures of this box if you guys want to see what it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I mean, want to see it

[Gareth Reynolds]

how it's been used?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Oh, it's a terrible box.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, my God. You have to hang up right now.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought it was a wooden box you're talking about. Literally, it's a saw box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a table saw.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, like a. Well, it's a. It's a miter saw, but it's. You know, it's a big saw that goes on the table.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just. This is garbage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, look, there's. Clearly.

[Caller/Guest]

We understand it is garbage, but we had it for five years, Jane.

[Jake Johnson]

But I. I thought it was going to be like a wood. The picture. I was going to have take away some of the wood, and everybody keeps a piece of the wood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a disgusting little box. You got a lot out of this box. It was used as a TV stand, and you've been eating off of it.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, but most of the time, it just kind of sat there. And then in one of those images, you can see all the cushions in the living room because our basement flooded, and we just saved the couch and that box. Oh, that's all we saved.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I see the photos again? I'm sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. I would like to see it again.

[Jake Johnson]

I was just so shocked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is shocking.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so your apartment. Slow down. Slow down, Jesse. So the apartment flooded. You saved this gray couch. What we're looking at is a gray couch and then just a big yellow dewalt box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a big yellow box that is literally just.

[Jake Johnson]

That holds. It's the box. You guys would all know if you bought a big power tool comes in a box. You cut it open, then you take this out. You throw the disgusting box up a box. Yeah. And then they've taped the. They've taped it closed. Okay, so that's you guys in your basement. And then can we see another one? And then what is she doing here? She's cutting that. This is when you first got it. Maybe.

[Caller/Guest]

That's probably when we got it. It arrived March 2021. I looked that up.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you got it. And what about this box made you guys say we should keep this box?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, we didn't have any furniture, really, so we needed a staple, and then it just kind of grew on us.

[Jake Johnson]

So why. Okay, hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Charcuterie on the box, Wine on the box.

[Jake Johnson]

So then you wrapped the box in plastic.

[Caller/Guest]

No, sorry. That image is before we opened it. We eventually opened it and continue to use it. Because the. In it.

[Jake Johnson]

I know it. Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because Crazy detail. Because you had an affinity for the box more than the item inside. Every time I get a box, I open the box.

[Jake Johnson]

I would never put salami on top of it and eat off it. I would open it and use the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would open it, and then I'd be like, okay, I'm keeping the box. But the idea that the box. You know what it is? It's like imprinting. It's like what that duck did to that guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like the box imprinted on you in some way, and you feel like box moms.

[Jake Johnson]

This is crazy. That's right.

[Caller/Guest]

And so that's exactly what it is.

[Jake Johnson]

Crazy, but. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But.

[Jake Johnson]

So something happened at that moment in 2021.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys were probably just climbing out of the pandemic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

The world was opening up again. And then you went, like,

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stayed nice and closed for some reason. Okay, so. So whatever. So you love the box. The empty.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, who's the. There's a photo of somebody lounging near the box, and their face is blacked out.

[Caller/Guest]

That is, unfortunately, a photo of me looking really bad.

[Jake Johnson]

I love the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it all. It's amazing. And what I also love is that you're like, I don't want to be associated with the box publicly.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I mean, you make a good point. I should have showed my face. No, it's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, the box is so distracting, we can't even get into the buccaneer style.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, I gotta say, it's almost your size. As if you could have come out of the box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Completely agree.

[Jake Johnson]

There is a size of. The size of your body while you're sitting on that chair. Is that. Could be the box that houses you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This. This picture gets better and better because we haven't even focused on the crayon writing at the bottom of the arrow.

[Caller/Guest]

Hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why.

[Danny J]

Why did you say I wish?

[Caller/Guest]

It's like, imagine getting in that little thought. It's disturbing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know it is.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a nightmare. Needing that little box is a nightmare. But there's something about that box that it's become a womb for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a pet.

[Danny J]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a pitch.

[Caller/Guest]

It's not just me. It's not just me, though. It's two of us who love this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

I got the pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I got one, too.

[Jake Johnson]

I want you to cut a part of it out. Like, when a baseball stadium is getting knocked down or the net, people will go and, like, rip a seat out of, like, the old Kamisky in Chicago. Yeah. Or they'll, like, go take some of the grass out of it or the dirt, and they'll put it in, like, a glass jar, and they'll be like, this was the dirt from the outfield of, like, old Kamisky. So what I would like you to do is cut part of the box out and frame it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's literally basically what I.

[Jake Johnson]

And you each get. You go on you parallel sides of the box so you get the same part, but it's not the dewalt. Just get, like, the t. The line next to the te. Some weird yellow space. Cut the same size of each frame it. Go to a professional framer so it's framed in a really nice frame, and you guys make a deal that that picture will always hang on the wall of your homes forever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. I think. I think that's right. My only issue is if the frame picture comes in a box, we're right back where we started.

[Caller/Guest]

I think it's an excellent idea. And this is gonna seem weird, but maybe not based on my question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it will.

[Caller/Guest]

We both bought. I don't. I forget who the artist is, but we basically both bought a slice of this giant baby made of styrofoam. We have our styrofoam already framed, so maybe it would fit. Maybe it would fit in.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's a thing. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jane. Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

I feel like, how many things can you have? How many pieces of, you know, container can you have?

[Jake Johnson]

Garbage. Can you frame.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not a question for us. That's not a. Or first we throw boxes away, so we don't know. I think that's right.

[Caller/Guest]

I like where your head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, look, it is there. You. For whatever reason, this has sentimental value to you, so that is a way to preserve a piece of it. And here's the other part. I'll say I would. I'm trying to think if. If you know anyone who has A fireplace. I would also suggest just burning the box on its own. Collecting the ashes and doing an ash spread after you've picked your pieces of the box.

[Jake Johnson]

Or burning. Yeah, during. Or burning it. Doing the ashes and keeping the ashes. Like you would have something a little.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's okay.

[Caller/Guest]

I love that. I was thinking you were going to say sometimes people, when they're cremated, you put their ashes into a tree and then you grow the tree. But I like the idea of putting it in the urn way better.

[Jake Johnson]

A tiny little urn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Earn is. Earns a winner if you've got a.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, I think it's an earn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you know what? Here's what I'm also going to say. Not to cut you off, but no, I like you're having an event about this. Let's treat it like it's a goodbye. Like it's a funeral.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's. Let's write a little eulogy for the box. Let's talk about fond memories. You've got all these crazy ass pictures. Let's show them and talk about it a little bit. And maybe everyone's got to say a little bit of something and then.

[Jake Johnson]

Or at least just you and the other gal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And then you.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what I would. What I don't want is a bunch of friends there and everybody thinks it's really funny. And then like you've got like the two guys who are like the funny where they're like, all right, I'll be ironic. You're like, this isn't as funny as we all think it is. Jake's only funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a Gareth Reynolds type.

[Jake Johnson]

You and me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

It only works if it's really sincere for you guys because this box actually does mean a lot to you.

[Caller/Guest]

Yep, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think the two of you should burn it together, drink one too many glasses of wine and let yourselves get emotional.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have an urn. Get the ashes in the urn.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I would ask of you, Jane?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, I forgot that's my name. Yes. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, bad poker face. Oh, my God, that's me.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I would like. What you could do for us is I would like you and your friend who did this to burn the box, grab the ashes, put it in the urn, and then wear all black and have a night after that. That's the. That's the doing part. And then go to have a service where you have photo. You print out these photos of the box that you guys had, and they're around, and you guys just sit around each charcuterie, have a couple glasses of wine, and then at a certain point, both stand up and as sincerely as you can at that night, talk about what the box meant to you and how important it was and how fun it was and how great those years were and film it and send it to us, and Kyle will edit it down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. And. And you're also. The night of this event, you guys are not going to know where to put your wine, where to put your charcuterie. You're going to be very confused. But there's going to be a table. This is a thing a lot of us have been using for a while. And it's got four legs, and it's got. It's a flat surface, and you're going to put some of your stuff on this thing, and it's sort of like a fancy box. So you'll be putting your stuff on there, and it's going to be difficult because you're definitely moving on at that point. But.

[Jake Johnson]

But it. But this is the expression of, like, this is what. What this reminds me of is like, if you got, like, a pet hamster that dies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And you got kids and you go, well, we should say some words. And then somebody says some words and you go, they're not wrong about Lucky. We did love that son of a. Yeah. And that little bastard did find his way into our hearts. Yep. And when you got over the hump and you're honest about it, and you go, that was the cutest rodent I'd ever seen. And when it would burrow itself in the corner and you'd see its little teeth, I did like looking at him. I also like tolding him he was a bony son of a. But I like the way his little nails would feel on my hands. And so you all say what you need to say about box and then move on.

[Caller/Guest]

I have one last question. I think this is a great idea. Right? But we live. Where do. Where can we burn this box in Brooklyn?

[Jake Johnson]

Can you send it out an alley? You can't. You got to do it yourself. An alley. Or you rip it up and you do it piece by piece. You do it. You do little pieces throughout the whole night right in the sink.

[Caller/Guest]

I think that maybe at this party, we'll have everyone rip up the box, and then afterwards we can burn the

[Jake Johnson]

pieces and you guys. And while you're burning it, you do it in the tub. That's when you're making Your speeches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe get a metal bucket or something. Get, like, a metal bucket. Maybe put it in there. Open the window, you know, get. Like, you don't want it to get out of control. So I think. Yeah, you take your time.

[Jake Johnson]

We're in an alley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're in an alley. Just make sure, you know, make sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Put it in a bucket.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We just don't want this.

[Jake Johnson]

Or, you know What? Buy an 80 grill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ooh.

[Jake Johnson]

Like you're gonna be, you know, or

[Gareth Reynolds]

just someone, you know, with a grill. That's it. Yep. Yeah. The park. Go to the park and grill it out.

[Jake Johnson]

Go to the park and grill it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now. Now that we're in this, I'm gonna also say have a decoy cooler when you go to grill the boxes. Ashes, just. So when you go to the park, it doesn't look like you went there to just burn a box on a grill.

[Danny J]

Just.

[Caller/Guest]

I think that's right. That's important.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Beers. Just the decoy cooler. Make it look like you're grilling some

[Caller/Guest]

club. Okay, thank you. I think we're going to grill the box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, send us some footage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you're going to put the urn. The ashes in the urn.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, of course.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't say of course.

[Caller/Guest]

A little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, this is. Listen, if you're happy, we're happy. And I think, like Jake said, please include us in the service as much as possible. Film it. And we would love to edit it into something that, you know, does. It's a tribute to the DeWalt box that you got five years ago.

[Caller/Guest]

That's so kind. The box would love that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Jane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why'd you use a fake name?

[Caller/Guest]

Sorry. Oh, my God. Because I don't. I. I just. It's a very uncommon name, and I think that when I listen back to this, if it were to air, I'd be a little embarrassed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Jane.

[Jake Johnson]

What? What's the uncommon name?

[Caller/Guest]

I'll say it, but I don't know. We might need to beat it out. Okay. It's Arisa. Like Marissa.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not. We're not gonna be so much. You know what we're not gonna be. Your problem is not serious enough to beep it. It's not about, like, a husband or a wife. It's about keeping a box. We're gonna let it out. We're gonna lead with it. Everybody. Her name is. She lives in Brooklyn. She keeps a weird, disgusting box. Thank you for the call. Her name's not Jane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's gonna be at a park.

[Caller/Guest]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Caller/Guest]

Thank you. Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 231, Scooter Cooter. Hey, caller, are you there?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I'm here.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, how are you? Welcome back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got Jake, you got Gareth, and you got, as you know, Danny J. Chopper 5 on the 1 side coming at you. Yeah, we've a lot's happened so far, and it's just been technical, to be quite honest with you. Can we get your name, please?

[Caller/Guest]

My name is Allison.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Allison, welcome back to the show. We know you're a follow up. Now, can you tell Dan what your first call was? And that'll also inform Jake, myself, and the audience.

[Caller/Guest]

Thanks.

[Danny J]

Great idea.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. So I originally called about because my husband's nudist uncle sold him a scooter, and my husband wanted me to ride said scooter, but I did not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Danny J]

So he's in. He's a nudist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They got the scooter from a form from a nudist. And there was, you know, nudity on the scooter.

[Jake Johnson]

And we were thinking about the seat being discussing. You had sent us a photo. I remember. Right, yeah. And you were. Oh, Cooter, Scooter, Cooter, scooter.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Either way.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Allison, what did we pitch and what'd you do?

[Caller/Guest]

So y' all pitched two different things. So I think the one that Gareth mentioned was having, like, a dream that, like, we were riding the scooter and, like, we crashed and it freaked me out, and I was, like, going to be, like, all jittery around the scooter.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Caller/Guest]

But then we settled on that. The scooter. Like, there's, like, this disease called scooter cooter and that it can give you, like, a rash and stuff, and that's why you shouldn't, like, write it, and that's why you need to clean the sea and stuff like that.

[Jake Johnson]

I honestly think both of those are pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do, too. To get you off.

[Caller/Guest]

They were pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

Your thoughts on hearing those two pitches together? You understand the problem, right?

[Danny J]

Well, I. I heard the problem. I just have a hard time understanding it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, why.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on.

[Danny J]

Why, like, clean the seat and then it's an immaculate scooter? Like, take some bleach, you're good. What's the issue?

[Jake Johnson]

Like, some random man's choat sitting on his seat you're sitting on.

[Danny J]

It's not random. It's family.

[Jake Johnson]

Fine. It's our Uncle Eddie's choat while he's all sweaty in Florida on a seat, and then you're in a. Like, you're in a skirt.

[Danny J]

Later, six months later, after. I'm sorry. I don't know if you're a, like, scientist, but, like, Shoat Cooters doesn't exist. So you just spray a little Windex or a little Clorox, and you're done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love that.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, B2. Also. Who are you, our sister? Spray it, and you're done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Windex. By the way, it's such an insight into Dan's world that he's one of those Windex guys who does every service with Windex. That's what my mother is. My mother's a Windexer. You're just, like, on a table that's wood. Doesn't matter. It's all the same.

[Danny J]

I can see the Pam thing now. Now I get it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I get it. So, Allison, I hear Dan's point of view, but I do think he's crazy. I'm with you. I would be pretty disgusted if I bought a scooter and there was a new. The idea of, like, a juicy man's butthole while sweating driving a scooter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's also. Isn't it your husband's. It's your.

[Caller/Guest]

It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's your husband's.

[Jake Johnson]

She's going to be on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I think it's extra gross, Uncle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's extra gross.

[Jake Johnson]

Imagine being a woman in a skirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's a random man to her.

[Danny J]

I'll just defer because she. Allison matters. It's her problem. You guys. Accept it as a problem. I don't want to go back and, like, say, it's not a problem. We'll just say, great. Great pitches. What did she do? Even professional.

[Jake Johnson]

Professional.

[Caller/Guest]

I did. My husband. He asked me. My husband asked me one day. He was. Because of a. More background for Dan, but, you know, because of our. My weight differences, I'm a little bigger than my husband. He's saying for us to ride together, I would need to drive it, and I didn't want to, because then, you know, that's too much contact for me. I'm a big germaphobe.

[Danny J]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So if you. Because you would have to drive it, so that's more right on seats.

[Caller/Guest]

Right.

[Danny J]

Understood.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

So. But yeah, so there was one day that, you know, my husband asked me. He's like, hey, like, I'm thinking, like, you know, want to take the scooter for a drive? You want to come with? You know, and everything. You can get used to whatever because, you know, you have to drive every so often with the gas or whatever. And so then, you know, I recorded our conversation and I told him. I was like, no, I don't want to, like, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Caller/Guest]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

You have it recorded? Can we hear it?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I emailed it to Natalie right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

First of all, way to go.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Thank you, Allison.

[Caller/Guest]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

You're a pro.

[Danny J]

You're.

[Caller/Guest]

I was scrambling. I was like, oh, my gosh. I felt like, you know, a 50 year old person trying to find the record button on my phone.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Allison, you're a pro and you're.

[Caller/Guest]

This is what we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We ask a lot of people to do this, and they don't. And when people do it, this is

[Jake Johnson]

awesome because you call, you're like, we're

[Danny J]

here to help, and you use them for help. And it was an amazing success. But so far, so good.

[Jake Johnson]

What? Sometimes you don't have to talk, Dan, if you don't have anything to say.

[Danny J]

If I didn't talk, why would you ask me on here? You don't have to be such a dick.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but, Dan, that was a draft. That was just a recap. That was a recap. Hey.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey.

[Danny J]

Can you. Can you come on the show?

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Danny J]

Because I want to, like, be a dick to you on Hulu or whatever. Thanks. This is great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's on Hulu, not whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry.

[Danny J]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Danny J]

Awesome. Allison, I'm sorry you have to witness that.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan, I'm sorry. I just felt like you did a recap that you didn't. You just started talking, but you didn't have anything to say.

[Danny J]

Apologies accepted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tensions are high because this problem is big. And we're about to hear some audio. Okay. Okay. Here we go.

[Caller/Guest]

What'd you say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

At some point, I want to ride the scooter with you on the back.

[Caller/Guest]

Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I know what it's like.

[Caller/Guest]

So what if I don't want to sit on the scooter?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll put a trash bag down.

[Caller/Guest]

You're gonna let me get scooter cooter.

[Jake Johnson]

Scooter Cooters?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't get an infected cooter from the scooter.

[Caller/Guest]

It's nasty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Antimicrobial. Towel down.

[Caller/Guest]

Antimicrobial. No, I'm serious. I don't want that.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll put something down.

[Caller/Guest]

No, that's not gonna help it.

[Jake Johnson]

Why? Why would it help it?

[Caller/Guest]

Because it can go around it. Yeah. And there's that pile. Yeah. That's gonna climb up my Legs, and I'm gonna get to my Cooter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jerry's mustache is gonna be climbing.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I'm serious. It's a real thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll put a towel down.

[Caller/Guest]

No, it's a real thing. Ask Maddie. She.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, let's pause it for a second.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Where are you going?

[Jake Johnson]

Allison. Excellent work so far. Yeah, he was really stonewalling you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So good.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he.

[Danny J]

I'm with the husband so far, but this is great. Great effort.

[Jake Johnson]

But he did a really good job of just winning that. We're gonna listen to the second half. Is there more information or is it more of the same?

[Caller/Guest]

It's more of the same. Like, I got my. I told my best friend after I got the original call, and I was like, hey. Like, you know. And she's like, oh, my gosh. That's, like, genius. And so, you know, he doesn't believe anything I say, but if someone else says it, then he'll believe them. So my best friend was in on it. So that's when I was like, hey, you can call Maddie and, you know, confirm this. So she was in on it, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Did he.

[Caller/Guest]

But we didn't have to call her.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so then what ended? So you say in the second half, call Maddie. And what's his kind of vibe? What does he say?

[Caller/Guest]

He was just. He kind of brushed off. I don't know if he heard me on that. But then he was like. He was just being funny afterwards.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Danny J]

So then my program. Towel.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Alice. Yeah, so this is pretty great. So what happened?

[Caller/Guest]

So he didn't really do any. Like, he didn't ask me to get on the scooter after that. And I was like, okay, well, we'll wait because, like, you know, because life happened. So we got really busy. But he hasn't asked me to sit on the scooter ride with him since.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great

[Jake Johnson]

one.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, for sure. Bell ring.

[Jake Johnson]

So we created enough nonsense that he's like, oh, my wife believes in a stupid thing called Scooter Cooter. And her goofy friend. Her goofy friend thinks so, too. So she doesn't want to go on my scooter. It's insane. But moving on, I still like my scooter.

[Danny J]

That's winning by losing because he won that argument. But he won the war.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly. But, I mean, I think going in, we knew we were outmatched because, A, Scooter Cooter doesn't exist, and B, we're three dirt bags who would be like, yeah, I'll get on it. I'D get on that scooter naked. I wouldn't give a. Stop, Jake. Yeah, see, Dan gets it.

[Jake Johnson]

But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But the point is, you went in there, you stuck to your guns enough, and you committed that. It worked. And on top of that, just once again, to be very clear, the recording is awesome. More people, when we ask for it, we know they go, what are you doing? You're producing. Let us cook.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but Allison. I agree with garris, but Allison. 10 out of 10, dude. Well done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

10 out of 10. I would say 11 out of 10, because you were. You were going up against logic.

[Danny J]

Yes, yes. Like, you held on to, like. No, no, it's a real thing. It goes up my leg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It goes around a micro. Microbiome.

[Jake Johnson]

It doesn't make any sense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you were calling a germ was a worm. I mean, the way that you were talking about how these things move, you were.

[Jake Johnson]

You were talking about a soldier.

[Caller/Guest]

Have you seen them, like, under a microscope, moving around? They move like worms sometimes.

[Danny J]

But that's a microscope.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but what you. What you did was excellent. This is not a conversation about logic. It's a conversation about how do we keep you off this scooter seat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, to quote one of our favorite. Our favorite James Brown lyric, I don't know karate, but I know korezi.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you fought. And, Allison, you won.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I did. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

You know? Thank you.

[Danny J]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is what this show is all about.

[Danny J]

You got what you wanted.

[Jake Johnson]

You got what. You got what you needed.

[Danny J]

And you'll never ride that disgusting scooter in your life.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you don't have to, because it's good.

[Caller/Guest]

Better not. If he asks me about it, then I'm gonna be calling back and be like, hey, guys, I need a plan

[Gareth Reynolds]

B. I already got a solve for that. So you call if you. You fake scooter cooter.

[Jake Johnson]

How would she do that, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did she crotch walking around going, what

[Jake Johnson]

are the other symptoms she has?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just. I don't think our callers want to hear what I'm gonna say.

[Jake Johnson]

We do. We do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's got a rashy, scratchy cooter.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you do that? Can you beatbox? And then throw those words into it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why are you doing.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't know. Because he would know. Like, because I'm such a germaphobe that I would be like, no, I gotta go to the doctor right away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, then you take a doctor drive.

[Jake Johnson]

Allison, will you do a quick rap while Gareth, Dan, and I do a beatbox, and you incorporate the Words. Scratchy cooter.

[Caller/Guest]

I'll be honest. I don't know how to rap at all.

[Danny J]

Got to go to the doctor right away because my ha. Scooter. Scooter is coming today. I can't ride on my uncle's choke, because if I do that, you gonna choke. It's disgusting. It's nasty. The dude's a nudist. You better not ride it, or I'm out.

[Jake Johnson]

Dude, you had it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've never seen these two more connected.

[Jake Johnson]

I was like, he was going at a pace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was cooking.

[Danny J]

Yeah, I was inspired by Allison.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We all are. All right, Allison. Ride off into the sun. Sorry. Walk off into the sunset on this one. Killer job.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. No writing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No writing. Way to go. Thank you for the call.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix, and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by J. James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Caller/Guest]

That was a Headgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Jake Johnson]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[Caller/Guest]

This is us.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we gonna cry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.

[Gareth Reynolds]

New episodes every Tuesday.