292: Warzone Burger Bowl & Johnny's Got A Bad Back

Summary

We're Here to Help

Episode 292: Warzone Burger Bowl & Johnny's Got A Bad Back
Release Date: May 25, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds

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Episode Overview

In this lively and joke-packed episode, Jake and Gareth deliver their signature blend of earnest (if a little half-qualified) advice and relentless banter to a trio of callers dealing with oddly specific, deeply relatable, and often hilarious problems. The main themes include relationship boundaries around video gaming, aging punk rockers trying to stay healthy, and a follow-up on neighborhood parent drama gone awry. Expect self-deprecating humor about gender roles, gaming culture, middle-aged bodies, and more.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Podcast & Patreon Housekeeping (00:35 - 02:28)

• The hosts riff on approaching their 300th episode and tease a live Patreon special.
• Jake shares news that his new show, "Sunset PI," got picked up by NBC, sparking classic Hollywood insider jokes.
• The duo brainstorms potential cameo roles for Gareth on Jake’s new show, leading to a ridiculous mock-audition involving waxing.

Memorable Quote:

"Would you wax your butthole?" – Jake Johnson (03:25)

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2. Availability & Branding Comedy (09:07 - 10:15)

• Announcements about the podcast now being available on Hulu (day early), YouTube, Patreon, and audio platforms.
• The hosts jokingly berate listeners for not knowing where to find them.

Memorable Quote:

"What do you want?" – Jake Johnson (09:54)

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3. Caller #1: Savannah – Warzone Burger Bowl (17:14 - 41:34)

Topic: Savannah’s boyfriend gets startled when she brings him dinner while he’s gaming with noise-canceling headphones.

Key Segments:

• Savannah Introduces Herself (17:14 – 18:04)
  Nervous, but Jake and Gareth get her to open up about her problem.
• Problem Breakdown (20:09 – 24:03)
  • Savannah’s boyfriend, engrossed in Xbox shooter sessions with friends, gets terrified whenever she interrupts with food.
  • She wants advice on how not to scare him and how to interrupt less disruptively.
  • Gents tease her situation, painting the boyfriend as the luckiest "baby boy" gamer and Savannah as an over-accommodating girlfriend.
• Advice Montage (24:03 – 39:00)
  • Suggestions range from practical (have him collect his own food when ready, text instead of physically interrupting) to absurd (leave food outside the door with a signal card, use a laser pointer).
  • Major theme: Stop enabling – Savannah deserves equality and should not be dropping off meals, especially if she resents the role.
• Resolution (39:00 – 41:34)
  • The "no girls allowed" sign: The hosts propose Savannah hang a playful "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign on the gamer den during gaming hours to enforce boundaries—and for her to send photographic proof.
  • Savannah agrees. The mood lightens with everyone in on the joke.

Notable Quotes:

• "How do I interrupt his gaming without scaring him to death?" – Savannah (20:54)
• "How do I turn my boyfriend on less while he's gaming, while I'm trying on my lingerie while cooking him food? … Because I have also crazy strong hands." – Jake Johnson (21:51)
• "I'm dating a gamer and I bring him burger bowls. And sometimes that scares him." – Savannah (32:56)
• "You’re not doing the airplane chugga chugga choo choo to make a little boy eat. … If you want a meatball, come in here and get them." – Jake Johnson (26:44)

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3.1. The Boyfriend’s Post-call Response (67:05 – 68:10)

Savannah’s boyfriend leaves a voicemail, proving he predicted the hosts’ reaction perfectly. He insists he finds Savannah’s "startling" fine, values the burger bowls, and even playfully claims she’s developed a "widow baby boy gamer boy kink."

Quote:

"It was a small price to pay for a delicious burger bowl being delivered to me while I game." – Savannah’s Boyfriend (67:42)

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4. Caller #2: John ("Johnny's Got a Bad Back") – Aging in a Punk Band (44:08 – 58:16)

Topic: John, 38, still plays in an active punk band, but his back can't handle the pounding. He’s embarrassed to do stretches or yoga around younger bandmates but wants to keep rocking while taking care of himself.

Key Segments:

• Caller Introduction (44:08 – 44:59)
  • John reveals he’s an "old man" with a family and punk hobby, now requiring chiropractor appointments after gigs.
• Punk, Age, and Stretching (46:07 – 53:00)
  • Gareth and Jake riff about the inherent un-punk-ness of middle-aged self-care routines.
  • They encourage John to "lean into being the old man," argue that self-preservation is the most punk thing he could do, and brainstorm persona ideas (e.g., "Johnny Bad Back," punk stage name; writing a song about his back).
• Practical Takeaways (54:09 – 57:59)
  • Bring foam rollers, balls, and do stretches openly; don’t hide it.
  • Normalize and own the experience of being an age-outlier at shows.
  • Gareth: "All that matters is when the game starts or the game finishes." (55:56)

Notable Quotes:

• "There’s nothing lamer than pretending you’re not something that everybody knows you are." – Jake Johnson (49:41)
• "John has got a bad back – that should be your song." – Gareth Reynolds (51:03)
• "Move your steel tip boots, you little punk. I’m putting my yoga mat there to do some deep stretches, I need." – Jake Johnson (57:12)
• "Have a great show. Once it starts, rip. … And then after the show, before you go home, go, I’m doing 40 minutes of stretches." – Jake Johnson (56:04)

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5. Caller #3: Mitch – Taekwondo Laser Pointer Saga (58:28 – 66:48)

Topic: In a previous episode, Mitch called in about a fellow Taekwondo parent shining a laser pointer at kids. This is his follow-up.

Key Segments:

• Recap (58:28 – 59:56)
  • Mitch explains the problematic parent and the failed administrative response.
• Result (60:03 – 64:05)
  • Jake & Gareth’s advice: Give every kid a laser pointer, or use a powerful flashlight as "deterrence." Mitch’s spouse vetoes both plans.
  • In the real world, the offender’s own child publicly embarrasses him ("man child!"), the instructor intervenes, and the guy is banned from spectating class for two weeks. Laser pointer saga resolved.
• Reflection/Wrap (64:26 – 66:48)
  • The hosts declare victory, even though Mitch is sad he never got to "shine him in the face."
  • Jake: "The war is done. Come home." – Metaphorically expressing that Mitch can now let it go.

Notable Quotes:

• "The problem’s over. My cat just—that scared the shit out of my cat." – Jake Johnson (64:32)
• "It’s like setting up on a rooftop with your assassin’s rifle only to find out the guy had a heart attack earlier that day." – Gareth Reynolds (64:46)
• "This should be where you fight a little and then you stop fighting and you start weeping into Jake's shoulder." – Gareth Reynolds (66:02)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:35 – Podcast milestone / Hollywood news
• 17:14 – Savannah introduces herself/problem
• 20:54 – Savannah’s boyfriend gets scared during Warzone
• 24:29 – Advice: Food schedule, fun house analogies
• 32:56 – Savannah's “I bring him burger bowls…” confession
• 39:00 – “No girls allowed” sign solution
• 41:34 – Savannah happily recaps plan
• 44:08 – John (the punk dad) calls in
• 49:41 – Older punk/aging out advice
• 54:58 – Jake’s exercise ball revelation
• 57:00 – Stage stretching/foam roller advice
• 58:28 – Mitch (laser pointer) follow-up begins
• 62:34 – The man-child meltdown and solution
• 66:33 – "Come home, Mitch," emotional callback

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Jake to Savannah: "You’re not doing the airplane chugga chugga choo choo to make a little boy eat." (26:44)
• Savannah’s boyfriend: "I was totally fine with Savannah scaring me. It was a small price to pay for a delicious burger bowl being delivered to me while I game." (67:34)
• Gareth to John: "I think you guys should write a song called John Has Got a Bad Back. … And your punk stage name could be Johnny Bad Back." (51:03)
• On Mitch (laser pointer dad): "This is way better. This is like setting up on a rooftop with your assassin's rifle only to find out the guy had a heart attack earlier that day." – Gareth Reynolds (64:46)
• Final Note: "Come home, Mitch. The war is over." – Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds (66:31)

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Episode Summary

This episode embodies the heart of "We're Here to Help": hilarious takes on low-stakes-but-real dilemmas, delivered with quick wit and just enough sincerity. Whether it’s deconstructing relationship roles in the context of video gaming, honoring the realities of aging as a hobbyist rockstar, or helping a persistent parent let go of a playground grudge, Jake and Gareth manage to roast, comfort, and entertain all at once.

Listeners will come away with:

• A reminder not to over-cater in relationships (esp. if it makes you resentful!)
• Permission to embrace age, change, and your own goofy solutions
• The value, sometimes, of letting authority or natural consequences handle things
• Many, many laughs at the absurdity of everyday life

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Structuring Advice from the Episode

• Set boundaries and share responsibilities; don’t over-serve.
• Self-care isn’t “uncool”—it’s actually a sign of confidence.
• Sometimes the best solution is to take a step back and let things run their course.

For more practical and impractical wisdom—with plenty of tangents and characters—listen to the full episode!

Transcript

[Savannah]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are

[Gareth Reynolds]

back.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake G. Man, how many of these episodes have we made, sir?

[Gareth Reynolds]

God, I don't even know. What are we at?

[Jake Johnson]

I just looked today. 289 was released.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna be at 300 soon, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, 300? We did something big for 100. We did something big for 200. We got to do something big for 300.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Well, dare I say. Ah, we're revamping Patreon.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We could do a 300 on Patreon.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, do live thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do a live thing. It's kind of flown by, but it also feels like it's been a while. It's one of those weird.

[Jake Johnson]

It feels like it's flown by and we've been doing this forever, and I can never remember not doing this podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel the same way. I feel like we've been doing this, but also it doesn't feel that it's very funny because we've talked about a thousand times, but it just. It just kind of happens so randomly

[Jake Johnson]

and just keeps bobbing and weaving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

It keeps bobbing and weaving. So we are officially doing a 300th live on Patreon. We're going to set the date. It's gonna be soon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, great.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too. I'm around end of May, early June.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now do we talk about other Hollywood business? We, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Anything, buddy. Yeah, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Big day.

[Jake Johnson]

Big day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Big day.

[Jake Johnson]

My new show, Sunset PI, was picked up by NBC. I fly to New York City tomorrow morning. That's why we're doing a late night tonight. We're doing the upfronts. We are back in. We're making it happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is. I mean, that must feel so great.

[Jake Johnson]

It's pretty cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And for you it sounds great. It sounds like such a wheelhouser.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I'm excited about is the episode that Gareth Reynolds appears on your early pitch. Gareth for who? You will play in Sunset PI.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's gotta be. I mean, you know. Okay. Beauty. Love this. For me. Suspect red herring. Suspect. Who keeps getting details wrong but didn't actually have an involvement in it at all.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do an audition for it in three. Gareth Reynolds. This late? This is for episode four of Sunset PI. G, if you're ready.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hands. I will shave. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you have shaved. I don't know. You've waxed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll grow. I'll do anything.

[Jake Johnson]

Say Gareth Reynolds. I will wax. And sniper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm waxed. And cut.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you Will wax your genitalia? Would you wax your butthole?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

What words would you say while being waxed?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whatever you want me to say, but my catchphrase during waxing is wowee.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, can we hear that a couple times? And three, two, one, action.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wowee,

[Jake Johnson]

wowee. Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That really got me.

[Jake Johnson]

That was really great, Gary. So let's try again. So now pretend you're being. Is this the scene? It became it. Now pretend you're being waxed. And you know this. I don't know if you've ever had it, but it hurts. Your line is. Okay, so your line is, oh, wowie, wowee. Oh wowie.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wowee, oh, wowee.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, wowie. Good. You lost it on the end because I laughed. I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

So let's. And that was my fault. So let's put a little less spit on the ball and a little bit more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does Jake ever come to these? Is he ever at these?

[Jake Johnson]

He's on the other side of that mirror. It's a two way. It's a two air. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Two wear. Yeah. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a two way. So he's back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One way is a regular one. If you can hear me back there, he's probably chuckling. Knowing him, he's having a laugh.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he's back there with like four executives. They're testing us to see he loves my stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, ready?

[Jake Johnson]

Three. Whenever you're ready. On your own thing because obviously when I counted down, you changed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. You want.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. I'm not sure if you always run it like this.

[Jake Johnson]

What does that mean? Are you judging the way I run my cast?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the way you run it.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the way you run it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Thanks. Are you okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm very good.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah. I want.

[Jake Johnson]

Your eyes are very glassy, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was sleep. I was near sleep on the couch not too long ago. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

How tired are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm tired.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh. How long was the drive?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Oh, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

We pass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, agreed.

[Jake Johnson]

Really fast. Let's get. Let's get you this job real quiet. You got. You're. You're getting your nuts waxed in three, two, one, action.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wowe. Wowie, wowe.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you so much for coming in. We're very happy with that. Put a pin in you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't tell me that's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it is. Yeah, absolutely. That you want that. Next is hip pocket, which is fun too.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think it's. I don't think hip pocket's a term Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember you. Yes. You'd be the side hip pocketed.

[Jake Johnson]

And it was an old Hollywood term which meant they wouldn't really represent you. No, I told you this story when Eric and Derek Waters and all those guys tried to get me their manager. His name was Jim Sheridan, I believe. And he came and saw us, and they were all like, you gotta represent Jake. He doesn't have an agent on Mandre. He just moved to town. And I went into his Hollywood apartment where his office was, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not good. This feels like Sunset, PI.

[Jake Johnson]

There was like a weird little living room. He was. You could like, smell his microwave food. He said, go ahead, do the characters. So I did three different sketch characters for a man sitting at a kitchen table who was not laughing. And we were fully committing and making eye contact, and he was not laughing. And I just kept going for it. And afterwards, he said, you know, I've been in this business for a while now. And he goes. And I can see when somebody has it. And you, sir, do not have it.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I go crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I appreciate that, man. And he goes, I'm not gonna represent you. You're not ready for that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gathered.

[Jake Johnson]

I go, well. And it was so wild. Like, he wasn't nervous to be this rude to me. And I was like, I'm still acting professional, but it is just two guys at an apartment. And I was really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not like you're doing great.

[Jake Johnson]

Excited. But instead, I went like, well, anyhow, thanks for the opportunity if you ever change your money. And he was like, thanks so much, Shake. And I walked out. I'm like, what a little goober I am.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then, hey, I mean, I've been there, though, where you take it on the chin so hard. You're like, I shouldn't. What do you tell Eric and Derek after that? You're like, yeah, I don't know, man.

[Jake Johnson]

It wasn't a good fit. I mean, obviously he was loving what I was doing, you know, Like, I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The first character wasn't the right one to put the first slide.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But honestly, like, for me, I'm not sure he's a good fit. And I don't know. I think I'm going to pass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's still in the business, this fella.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God, this is that. Now you should. This is what I would do. I would reach out if I was you. I would say, hey, Sheridan, it's Jake Johnson. I don't know if you remember 20 years ago, I was in your Weird apartment that smelled like Lean Cuisines. And I did three characters for you. Said I didn't have it. You know who thinks I have it? NBC baby just got picked up now.

[Jake Johnson]

Because then he could also go, I've seen you not a fan. And then I would go, it would still hurt. It would still hurt from a fake manner. He'd go like this, I hear you, but let's see how the numbers do. And I'll be like, it's a good response.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need a second season more than any other.

[Jake Johnson]

Then he goes, I mean, two seasons these days you're doing shorts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need syndicate. I know. They don't do syndication anymore. We need syndication. I need to be on TVS in the afternoons.

[Jake Johnson]

He's like. He's like, kid, you just don't got it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna show. We're gonna show him, like Sheridan style.

[Jake Johnson]

We don't got it. They've been in this business for a long time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got it. And they're just sitting at a kitchen. They're just sitting at a kitchen table smelling like Hungry Man Meals. This is a new and office. This is an apartment. Without further, further.

[Jake Johnson]

Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

We are also having. Our back catalog is going to be on Hulu. We're going to do about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. And you can get season one, season two, we're gonna have a nice melange on Hulu. But the day early, I mean, there's a lot of advantages.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's another thing. Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have hulu. You got YouTube because we're there too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Hulu a day early. YouTube for stragglers.

[Jake Johnson]

And also you go, I don't have that. Oh, we got Patreon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

They go, I don't have that. What do you want?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, okay, Jake, we're trying to be inclusive and you're yelling at them. But I think you're right. It's just.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, watch this show anywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a lot of options.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Hulu's early.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hulu's early.

[Jake Johnson]

Audio day of YouTube, day of Patreon. No ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's the way to remember it. Hulu knew.

[Jake Johnson]

So Nulu, it's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, then that we call. Yeah. All right. It's falling apart.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast is Brought to you by Casper Mattresses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. Listen, the bed. I find this when I travel, Jake. The bed really huge. The bed is you. You miss the bed. When you come back and you get to your bed, if you don't have

[Jake Johnson]

a good bed, you're screwed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah. And Casper makes the best bed. And you know what else? They sent us a couple of pillows and I just napped on those right before this ad. And let me tell you, brother, they did their job.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not gonna lie. I'm a big pillow guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's interesting. That sounds like. That's. That's interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

Not a lot of them. I know what I like in a pillow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not just any pillow. I'm not either what I like in a pillow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know what I like in a pillow too, and I like a Casper. It comes to your home with snow technology that'll make you. They make you keep your cool no matter what people say. You spend.

[Jake Johnson]

You got snow technology, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know what that means.

[Jake Johnson]

You're cool no matter what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not true. You spend a third of your time asleep. But you know, there's times too where you just. You're just hanging out in bed. That happens. Jake, last time you ate in bed eight. Yeah. Ate something.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't. I don't eat in bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

You ever realize you ate in bed?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he is today.

[Jake Johnson]

What'd you eat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chips. I had chips. It was a bad choice, but it's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Chips on a Casper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly right, my friend. I'm really sorry, but Casper makes reliable, high quality mattresses designed to deliver consistent, comfortable sleep night after night. Casper's. Casper's mattresses are highly rated by Consumer reports. And out of 99 mattresses, Consumer Reports named Casper's the One. It's the One Mattress. Their top rated all foam mattress of 2026.

[Jake Johnson]

It's impressive right now save up to 30% off of mattresses and up to 35% on everything else. When you go to Casper.com one last time. That's Casper C A S P E R dot com and save up to three. 30% off on the mattress that you deserve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are brought to you by booking.combooking.

[Jake Johnson]

yeah. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we, we've. Listen, we love booking.com. it offers a wide array of hotels, vacation rentals. I mean, we've talked about this before. You go to booking.com you're going to find exactly what you're looking for. I know they say booking for, but I'm being serious. You're going to find. I use it all the time when I go on the road, whenever I have to book my own accommodation. Well, because it's still right there. It's easy.

[Jake Johnson]

It offers a wide array of hotels and vacation rentals across the United States. So you can find exactly what you're booking for. There's something for everyone, even those who are impossible to please. I'm going to say I'm a little impossible to please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was going to say you. And then you also have kids, which is difficult.

[Jake Johnson]

But booking.com, i don't do a lot of the Airbnb style rentals. Yeah, I like hotels for like the house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would rather, I mean, but that's what I like about using it is that you sort of get a sense of the area, you know, how far away you are from where you're gonna go. So.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I go back and forth, but I would ra. I want a kitchen. I will cook. Yeah, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care for anyone's judgment.

[Jake Johnson]

You just spent a lot of time on the road.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's not great. But booking.com makes out of the road.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you out of 365?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It varies year to year. Last year was. I mean, last year was over 50%, so.

[Jake Johnson]

And how many of those are you using booking.com?

[Gareth Reynolds]

probably 15%. Because a lot of times the club will book where I'm going for, but if I have a down night, what, what I've been trying to do lately is finding if I can book my own stuff, which I'm trying to more and more. I kind of find a place in the middle of three cities so I can stay in the same place. But that's booking.com right there. That's like we always say, find exactly

[Jake Johnson]

what you're booking for. Booking.com booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app? Yes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace, Gareth Reynolds, tell them about your website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, every. I. I keep different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace. But I. I've been working with Squarespace for a while. Could not be more user friendly. They make it very easy and your website looks great. And we've built multiple websites on this show because it's so easy. They really. They help you find the domain. They help you get, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

Hereto help pod.com is our show Website that is constantly evolving. And one thing I want to say, and that's a squarespace. Guys, check out the website because it's starting to evolve a little bit. So we've gotten emails from people being like, where do I find the blank? In the blank? Well, go to heretohelpod.com which is a squarespace website to get all the answers you need. Squarespace gives you everything you need. It's got cutting edge design. It's got. You can put donations on there. Fun. Directly on your website if you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can put on there. There's also is the SEO tools, which for a while I just kept saying it and I didn't know what it was, but I don't know what it is. I'm going to tell you. It's search engine optimization. So it's like if someone's looking for what you provide, they help you get higher in the search, which can be huge.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I think optimization is good.

[Jake Johnson]

There you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Coming in at the end.

[Jake Johnson]

So check out squarespace.com. gil sent me. Ah, Ms. Gil. Can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake Johnson, SEO Tools. Talk about being left behind in the search. That would be gilbyu Canada. An island by himself. Things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe. I'm still in the closet waiting for someone to come find me.

[Jake Johnson]

But actually, Gil, it looks like your microphone is not plugged in, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So sorry, I didn't understand how that was. Anyway, squarespace slash. Gil sent me. We're back.

[Jake Johnson]

Save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain using Gil sent me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're back, baby. Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Savannah]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we get your name, please?

[Savannah]

My name is Savannah.

[Jake Johnson]

Savannah, will you tell us all the things you think we're gonna ask? What with as much energy as you got, just see if you can run your own intro. Savannah, go.

[Savannah]

Am I get. Am I giving my problem? Is that what you're asking?

[Jake Johnson]

Just do whatever you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just blowing this.

[Savannah]

Oh my God. There's so much pressure.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know, Savannah.

[Savannah]

I'm anticipating like one of your classic questions. You guys make me nervous.

[Jake Johnson]

Savannah, go.

[Savannah]

I'm just going to start with. I'm starting with my question. Here I go.

[Jake Johnson]

Savannah, tell us about yourself.

[Savannah]

Okay, my name is Savannah. I'm 30 years young. I live in Jacksonville, Florida and I like to crochet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There it is.

[Jake Johnson]

Savannah, if there's a name of a book and it was about you, what Would it be called no.

[Savannah]

I hate this question and I was

[Jake Johnson]

gonna ask a book about your life. What's it called? Go Savannah.

[Savannah]

It's called I Hate this and I'm ready for it to be over. That sounds really dark. I take it back.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not what it is. By the way. I'm stealing that. I'm ready for it to be you

[Gareth Reynolds]

like this on the COVID It's one

[Jake Johnson]

of my early headshots where I have like a beanie on and I'm like,

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would love to see that headshot. Please.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Savannah, what's your problem? Thanks for the energy.

[Savannah]

Okay, so my boyfriend and I live together and he like one to two nights a week he plays Xbox in our shared like room that we use as an office with his longdistance buddies.

[Jake Johnson]

What did you say?

[Savannah]

Not sexy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sexy. And he's right. I mean listen, we'll get into this. But I.

[Jake Johnson]

One generation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One of the. Are we? Because one time I went over to Berg's place for something.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he was gaming and he had his headset on and his controller in his hand. Well, he just had to hand me something like at the door and he was, he was like hold on one second guys. There you go. Thanks a lot. And I was like this is life changing.

[Jake Johnson]

Worse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the lowest I've seen you. It was tough to see.

[Jake Johnson]

I get it Savannah. Keep going.

[Savannah]

Yeah, this is going to paint him in a really bad light. And. And I did warn him that. But we're all okay with it.

[Jake Johnson]

He's a great guy. So he plays video games.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a little bit of a baby boy too.

[Savannah]

He's. He's both. He's sometimes baby boy but he puts on his noise canceling like over the here over the ear headphones and they are blasting like the sounds of his shooter games. His friend voices, sometimes music that he does that. Oh yeah, he's not bothering me. I'm doing my own thing and if I'm home like I'll usually come interrupt him. I don't interrupt him a lot but just like to bring him dinner. Classic, you know, great girlfriend bringing a home cooked meal to her loser gamer boyfriend. You're a great guy but I. He's a great guy.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

He's baby boy.

[Savannah]

But I. That's where my problem comes in. Because I cannot enter that room while my boyfriend is gaming without scaring the living shit out of him. Because he is so absorbed in his little shooter game that he's not hearing me knock. He's not hearing Me yell so he's like on edge. And then suddenly I'm like next to him and he jumps out of his skin. So no matter what I do, he just cannot hear me. And then like 10% of the time my warnings are somehow my warnings are the ones that are too loud and like that scares him. And then there's like 5% of the time where, you know, I walk in, I give him this mail and he hears it coming and it's fine. But we're both sick of him me scaring him. So my question is like, how do I interrupt his gaming without scaring him to death?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, what a great setup this guy has. He's just sitting there gaming and he's. She's door dashing food to him. And the problem here is I'm frightening my boyfriend.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean it is a man's world. That is crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

How do I scare him less while

[Gareth Reynolds]

he's my, my grown boyfriend is getting scared from his food.

[Savannah]

I mean, it'd be a bad look for him.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it's just, it's, it's a good look for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good for him. I guess it certainly is. What are you bringing him normally? How, how like what sort of things are you dropping off?

[Savannah]

Like what sort of meals?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or just like meals?

[Savannah]

I'm, you know, I'm cooking everything. I'm cooking pasta, I'm cooking burger bowls, I'm cooking like salad, salads, I don't

[Gareth Reynolds]

know, a wide variety of foods.

[Jake Johnson]

Crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's just in a little room.

[Jake Johnson]

You're like, you know, I've got a question. How do I turn my boyfriend on less while he's gaming, while I'm trying on my lingerie while cooking him food? And how do I not hurt his shoulders so much after I give him his massages? Because I have also crazy strong hands. And he's like, ew, get away from me with the lingerie and the food and the massages.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How can my boyfriend keep focus while he's playing games with his weird friends from across the country while I jerk him off? How do I make it perfect for my boyfriend?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, well, he's like, get out of here. I'm playing with a 12 year old boy named Trevor. I'll kill you, Trevor. We're in a war.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I tried to buy some bows and arrows.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he's like, I'm in a make believe world where I have a girlfriend named Banna. Not scaring me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're scared. The idea that he. So he brought this up at some point. He's like Babe, I love you but you're scaring me with my dinner.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not how he brought it up. He brought it up like this. When you bring me Milo, it scares me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then his buddies on his headset.

[Jake Johnson]

My girlfriend scares me too when I play shooter games. How about this? The guy is in the middle of a fake war zone and he's like this M14 take out 95 niner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's. He is in the trenches in a full on war and then he gets a burn.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm playing a game called prisoner of war. I'm in this. Ah, what a burger bowl. What a baby bowl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I almost killed my burger bowl.

[Jake Johnson]

You can't scare me like that. I'm shooting my enemies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't wait for your boyfriend to listen to this episode. He is going to be furious.

[Savannah]

No, he fully, he fully predicted this. I will say so. He said, you know, he could be the punching bag if it makes it a good episode.

[Jake Johnson]

He understands how guys are going to talk about guys on this. Cuz this one is every once in a while a guy will have a situation where you'll go like buddy, you don't know how good you got it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He, he, he doesn't. He does not. He would not want people to know

[Jake Johnson]

this because this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a fear now that he might have to prepare his own little suppers.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a fear now that now he's. The end of this is going to him being. I'm him going. I'm really sorry. I have noise canceling headphones. I play video games. You scare. I. First of all I want to say thank you. And second of all I'm going to put a time when there's dinner and I'm going to come get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there you go.

[Savannah]

That's. That's solution. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well that's an obvious. There's more. We're the. The real solution is going to be easy and that is there's a time when dinner's ready and if baby boy wants to eat, he's got to stop shooting people in a fake war zone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cover me. I've got to go get my burger bowl.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm in the middle of a race here. Hey, eat a fake burger boil and that won't come in here and eat with a real woman, you clown.

[Savannah]

Great. I'll relay all of that to him. Problem solved.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll get there. We'll get. We're just getting hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got a pitch for you if you want it.

[Jake Johnson]

Break up with him and meet Gareth. He's somewhere on the road right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Drink a burger bowl.

[Savannah]

He.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth is so hungry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Starving. It is a absolute nightmare. Here's what I would pitch. Just because maybe we. The schedule, whatever, you know what I mean? And baby boy, he's locked in there. Why don't we. Let's, let's do some prison stuff and let's leave the plate of food. Start out side of the door and then when it's ready, you slide a green card under the door. So he'll be checking over there.

[Jake Johnson]

No way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then when he sees the green card in the room, he knows it's time to open the door and get his little supper.

[Jake Johnson]

No. That's a very good pitch, but no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

Because we are making it more crazy. Here's the reality.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

True.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I would do. Savannah, the food's in the kitchen. You do not bring him anything. You can text him if you want him, but in terms of him being startled, you're not warning him. You're not saying, hey, I know you're in the middle of the Amazon saving the trees. In your make believe, good world, you goober, but in the real world, there's a woman who just made a plate of food. You want some? And maybe, buddy, maybe there's going to be some romance if you get that little geek machine off your head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I, I.

[Savannah]

Okay, that's fair.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you don't go to him with the food. You don't go like this. You know, you're not doing the airplane chugga chugga choo choo to make a little boy eat. You're not going like this. He's your meatball. Here's your meatball. You're going like this. If you want a meatball and these meatballs, then you come in here and you get them. If not, I, eventually I might find somebody else to give this food to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I do think if I'm. If he's. He's in the middle of a jungle machete ing through to save people from

[Jake Johnson]

some sort of I can't eat right now, there might be gold in them hills.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do think in a down moment, and I don't know much about gaming, but in a down moment, which I'm sure there is, I have him come get his supper. You can even have put together the bowl for him and put some foil

[Jake Johnson]

over it and it goes in the microwave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he comes and he comes and gets it. His headset will work.

[Jake Johnson]

I would also do a thing. Savannah. That you don't make him dinner on the nights he's gaming. You want to know why? Because if you're making dinner for him, you guys should eat together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a pitch.

[Savannah]

So fair.

[Jake Johnson]

I have a pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a pitch in that direction because I do think this is tilt. He's not going to like this pitch. No, I think you get a night where you're in that room doing something and he brings you dinner one night a week. I do love that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but. Yeah, I like that too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But look, he could do it with all of his buddies on a headset. They can all be cooking together for the women who are just dropping off lasagna for him for some reason. And they can all just be like, cool, I'm adding the parmesan right now. Cover me. All right. Cool ovens are. Gabe, set your oven to 375.

[Jake Johnson]

Steve Berg just felt this is his favorite video game. You think he likes shooter games? He's gonna go like this. Jesus. Jesus. 375 is too hot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh no.

[Jake Johnson]

It's gonna crisp the casserole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm burning the chicken.

[Jake Johnson]

So Savannah, here's my pitch to you. You say, I talked to the guys. You're right, it went sideways. Their proposal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bad news, hun.

[Jake Johnson]

I have some bad news. It went sideways. They roasted you in a big way. It went sideways. And it was not what I called about. But they are now uncling me a little bit and saying that the adjustment I have to make is you're a grown man. If you want to play video games, then play him. But those nights, I. I'm not feeding you or bringing you anything. And so anything you want, I'm happy. You know, while I make the meatballs, I'll make an extra one. It's just going to be in the fridge. When you're ready to eat it, eat it. And if I have something to give you, rather than startling you, I'm just gonna text you or I'll leave a note under the door. But those days when you're in there, there's no contact between it. It's. I mean, then we're just roommates in a house and.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Right, right, right.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, but I want you to think of them the way Connor has. Roommates, that's just a 70 year old Russian lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Different lives.

[Jake Johnson]

There's no link between you and this guy. Those nights afterwards, if he's like, you should know, I murdered 42 people in a war zone. That doesn't result in lovemaking. He didn't just get home from the war. He's not a hero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm ready for my burger bowl. I just killed bin Laden. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus Christ. Am I exhausted. My football team just won a playoff

[Gareth Reynolds]

game, so we're in the FIFA championship.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is there any salt? The burger bowl is a little tasteless.

[Jake Johnson]

I actually. And I could use some. I need to carve up. We got a big game later where I'm at my ass and my fingers are going to be moving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He needs electrolytes for his thumbs.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God, my thumbs. I need to put them in ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Savannah, this has gone obviously a little sideways.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we are.

[Jake Johnson]

But where are you? What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you feeling okay?

[Savannah]

Yeah. No, and I'm hearing you guys. I'm really hearing you. And I couldn't agree more. Like, I'm a feminist. I hate these traditional gender roles. Me bringing my, you know, gamer boyfriend his meal. I will say he does all the dishes. I haven't touched a dish, you know, in two years. I haven't filled up my own water bottle in two years. So he's doing the work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Savannah]

His light defense. I wouldn't say he's a gamer. I would say this is just a method to hang out with his long distance friends. And if it wasn't for Savannah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, let's be honest. He's a gamer. You're dating a gamer and that's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You love him and I love Savannah. I need you to say it.

[Savannah]

I can't.

[Jake Johnson]

I can't say. Say I am a feminist and I bring my gamer boyfriend burger bowls. Go ahead.

[Savannah]

And guys, this is really hard for me. This is ruining my reputation.

[Jake Johnson]

Then go. I bring my boyfriend burger bowls, but sometimes I startle him because of his noise canceling headphones and he gets scared.

[Savannah]

This is a lot to memorize.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You guys need to give me a script.

[Jake Johnson]

Paraphrase it, put it in your own words. Let's just hear it. Savannah.

[Savannah]

Okay. I'm dating a man who games and I bring him food and sometimes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mrs. Clinton. Nice try.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Don't you get fancy with these words.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on now.

[Savannah]

Okay. I'm naming a gamer and I.

[Jake Johnson]

Normal voice. Not a character who's in a weird animated show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah,

[Savannah]

Okay. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gamer.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm dating. Yeah, say it normal. Go ahead.

[Savannah]

Okay. I'm dating a gamer and I bring him burger bowls. And sometimes that scares him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. So that's. Thank you for that, Savannah.

[Savannah]

Okay, I do have. He did say one thing. One potential. And this was not something that we thought of until. Actually, I think one of his friends mentioned this after they found out that I was coming on this podcast to absolutely rip him to shreds. But somebody mentioned a laser pointer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is happening? What are you talking about? Say what you just said again.

[Jake Johnson]

She wants to have a little light to go like he's a cat. So he sees the red light and then goes like this. Oh, that's my food light.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, guys, cover me. I'm gonna go get my burger bowl.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Get out of here now. Time for the laser light. I'm in a war, God damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, Savannah, he's deep in a war zone. He's probably gonna think it's just like. It's like a spot.

[Jake Johnson]

He's gonna get. Ah. Okay, guys, I'm going in the tunnel. Watch my six. Watch my six. Mickey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're tracking me. They're here in real life. Oh, sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. My. That Savannah's doing the light. Savannah, get out of here. I'm terrified. So annoying. Okay, guys, I'm back to army crawling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you say my mom?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. You know what this is? The boys are in the basement playing Dungeons and Dragons, and I'm trying to bring them hand sandwiches. But unfortunately, my son Thad gets so mad at me because I interrupt once. He's fighting the dragon. Hey, boys, I got your Capri suns. Mom, get out of here. I'm being chased by a goddamn dragon, you bitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if I've ever been more excited for comments on this call because I don't know what's coming our way.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not going to be positive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay?

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Bob, can't you see there's a warlock after me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, here's what I want to add to the mix. He's got to say. He's got to say, thank you, mom, when he grabs his supper and goes back into his little den of shooting red.

[Jake Johnson]

Razor light. Got to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you bring in grape soda when you have a second mobile?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, boys, put the trolls back under the bridge. Gotta eat meatballs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, guys, for the next 10 minutes, let me know if you need me. I'm gonna house this burger bowl real quick.

[Jake Johnson]

This is crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, you guys.

[Savannah]

You guys, like, I feel like our relationship was fine. I was getting minimal icks from him from this, and now it's like you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's just going downhill. One night a week, you get this room to yourself. You get to put on something, and he brings you something.

[Jake Johnson]

But do you want this room to yourself?

[Savannah]

That's the problem. I don't want that because this is our office technically. So it's like I'm just gonna sit at my work computer and want that. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I think it is. Here's what I think it is. And here's the real truth of what I think. If he wants to game, let him game. God bless.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No judgment. Except for the past 30 minutes.

[Jake Johnson]

But. No, I mean, what. The only thing I don't like about it is him being served and getting scared while he's doing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

I think if you're in a relationship and somebody, then you're both happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

The. You called it. Because when you bring him his supper, he gets startled. So it's not the gaming. If he's like, hey, tonight I'm gonna hang with my best friends. It's the way we stay in touch. So from basically seven till midnight, I'm kind of out of commission. You go, like, fun. You could be out in a bar. This is better. So you're doing your thing. Great. So I think those nights you don't go in that room, you don't bring him anything you don't do. He is a thoughtful enough gentleman that you don't have to hear it. The noise canceling is really nice. If you need to interrupt him, you can call him. And maybe he's got a buzzer on his phone, which will definitely startle him, because in a war zone, his buzzer would be off. But you just basically say, unless there's an emergency, I'm not coming in. That is, basically, we are pretending we are not in the same space for those hours. So when you're cooking, you wouldn't cook too if you didn't live with them.

[Savannah]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Make yourself dinner. You would sit in front of the television or the. What? Whatever you do, you'd eat your meal, put your jammers on, relax, have a glass of wine and go to bed.

[Savannah]

Wow. Nailed it. Yeah. Crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that that's exactly right.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And all the roasting is just because. It's a shocking problem because of the startled. It's.

[Jake Johnson]

It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's that he gets startled over his meals.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not. It's. No, but it's also. I'm roasting. Savannah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I agree. No, it is. It's like you're rehabbing.

[Savannah]

I'm cool.

[Jake Johnson]

No, Savannah, it's that you are going like this while he'. Excuse me. Here's your ham with no cross. Baby boy, get out of here. Stop serving him while he's gaming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, bottom line, at the end of the day, you're into it. He's doing the dishes. You've never filled your water bottle. You feel good about the equality level? I do think we're. We've over catered. And now your boyfriend is going to leave the war zone. When he has a break, he's going to go to the kitchen, slop his

[Jake Johnson]

own something to eat, bring it in

[Gareth Reynolds]

there, you don't have to worry about a thing. That's the solution, right?

[Savannah]

Okay. Yeah, I guess his privileges are taken

[Gareth Reynolds]

away and he doesn't deserve that. It's not taken away. He. The whole thing is privileged. It's just the cherry on top is going to be earned a little.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just not going to be served food while gaming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. The Lord is going to have to make a trip to the servants quarters during the all important battle.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is actually a pitch for you, Savannah.

[Savannah]

Mm.

[Jake Johnson]

Nothing has to change with him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. Stay out of the war zone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No girls.

[Savannah]

Okay. No girls allowed.

[Jake Johnson]

When he goes in there, he needs to put a sign on the door that says no girls with a Z. That's backwards allowed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the girls is underlined. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, he is in his room. Yeah. No girls allowed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll eat when I'm hungry.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way. Maybe that's what we would actually, Savannah, here's my pitch to you because you're gonna want to go in there, you're gonna want to serve baby boy. Make sure his hair is tied up, all right. And make sure everything's perfect. So let's do a thing. You make a sign that says no girls allowed. When he's in that room, you hang it on the door.

[Savannah]

Right. Myself?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not allowed.

[Jake Johnson]

So you go like this. Ah, you know what? I need to tell them that I'm three weeks on a Monday morning. We were thinking of doing that. I'm gonna go and. No girls allowed.

[Savannah]

No girls.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? I just made these little cucumber things that are so good, he probably wants them. I'm good. Nope. No girls allowed.

[Savannah]

No girls allowed.

[Jake Johnson]

Savannah, will you make that sign and put it on the door?

[Savannah]

Yes, I will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We want to.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you take a photo of it and then you'll know it's official. And will you hang it on the nights he's doing it? And guess what? He doesn't even have to know. It's got nothing to do with it. You're not allowed in that room because no girls allowed.

[Savannah]

All right, I'll make a sign. I'll take a picture. I'll send it to you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. You feel good, Savannah?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you got it. This is a great.

[Savannah]

Yeah, you guys really, really saved my relationship here.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you so much, Savannah. Now, before we go, will you say, hi, my name is Savannah. I'm a feminist. I'm dating a gamer. I used to bring him dinner while he was in there, but it startled him too much. So now I'm gonna put up a sign that says no girls allowed so that he can game on his own. Put it in your own words. Just go ahead. Whenever you're ready. Thanks.

[Savannah]

Okay. Okay. Hi, my name is Savannah. I am a feminist, and I'm dating a gamer, as unlikely as it seems. And I'm not going to bring him his meals anymore because there's a sign that says no girls allowed. And I respect the sign.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

You killed it. Perfect. Savannah winner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tell this guy we said, what's up?

[Savannah]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Or tell him I'll see him in the war zone later. I tell him my name is. Tell him my name is bad boy 19. No girls allowed. Tell him Gareth's name is get out of here, Mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get out of here, Mom. Leave the cheese sticks. I tell him I'll see him at the moat later when we storm the castle.

[Jake Johnson]

Leave the cheese sticks. Mozzarella sticks belong at the door. Mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For the love of God. My finger all greasy. If I eat that right now, you idiot.

[Jake Johnson]

Leave. Are you nuts? A 2L Dr. Pepper without a cup of ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll figure it out. Just close the goddamn door.

[Jake Johnson]

Just close the goddamn door.

[Savannah]

Yeah, I'm gonna tell him he got absolutely shredded in front of lots and lots of people, and he'll be thrilled.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, follow up.

[Jake Johnson]

Getting mad at their moms is so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just over the night, like the mother's being angels.

[Jake Johnson]

Here you go. I thought I would get there. Close the goddamn door, Savannah. Thank you for the call. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quince. Lately, I've been more intentional about what I wear day to day. Leaning into pieces that feel easy, comfortable, and put together just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my go to. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are clean, and everything just works without needing to overthink it. This is real talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Literally tomorrow, going on the road for about 11 days, and it's all quints. It's all quints. If it's not quints, it's because it's soon to be Quints. It makes getting dressed easy. And I know that maybe sounds wild to some people, but Quint is my go to. I know that I look as good as I can.

[Jake Johnson]

I have bought probably nine Quint shirts. I do a bunch of the black T shirts and lately I've done the short sleeve collared shirts. And I'll tell you why. I can wear it on the pod. I could wear it out socially to a lunch, easy. But I could also wear it to a business event.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not kidding. I have a closet rack in my Honda Odyssey. This is getting sad, but I do. And it's just all Quint's stuff. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to Quince.com here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com here to help for free Shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com here to help. Hello?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy doesn't sound excited.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

No, I am. How's it going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounds like we're his accountant. We were just like, where are the receipts? How you doing, bud? What's your name?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Good. My name is John. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How old are you, John?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I am almost 38 and that's part of what I'm calling about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

John. Did you ever go by Johnny?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

When I was a child, but not in the last. Probably 35 years now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, buddy. Where are you calling from, Josh?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I'm calling from the, the Twin Cities. Minneapolis.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God, the Twin Cities.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just. I would. I'm gonna say top five cities.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Top five.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I'm a transplant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it. All so underrated. All right, John. 38, Minneapolis. What can we do?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yep. All right. So I've got one that I hope is. Well, hope it's not something you guys have gone through, but I hope you might have some expertise on. As I said, I'm almost 38. I'm married, I'm a dad, I live out in the burbs. I've got a job, all the normal yada, yada stuff. But my, my hobby, my fun thing is I play in a punk band. I've been a musician my whole life and we're pretty active. Like, we write songs, we play shows, a lot of fun. And as I'm starting to push 40, as I'm getting old and shitty, I've had to start scheduling chiropractor appointments after my shows.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, not punk.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

After Practices no. Decidedly unpunk. But, like, you know, I'm not. I'm not gonna headbang. I'm not gonna not jump around during the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Take care of the spine, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love that he's jumping.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, he had a pokeball, then he's

[Gareth Reynolds]

go to the chiropractor.

[Jake Johnson]

I get this.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah, yeah, that's it. So my problem is. And really, to boil it down, I do want to take care of my spine. I'm trying at least, you know, the after the fact stuff, but I'm not gonna like, do yoga in the green room at a shitty dive bar or something.

[Jake Johnson]

I get this.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I don't. I'm wondering what can I do other than like, drink a couple beers and hope for the best before I play to yoga.

[Jake Johnson]

But by the way, by the way, you just offended Gareth. You could do yoga and he's a torrent.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I chose my words on purpose. I know what I said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing wrong.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a punk rock response.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing wrong with a little yoga, but okay, we're on your team if you want to shame yoga. It's only thousands of years old. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, John, this is interesting. So the. Let me just boil it down because this is pretty clean. You were a punk rock guy when you were younger. You were in a band. What instrument do you play?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I play bass in this band.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool. And what's the name of the band you care telling us?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah, I happily. We're called Rock Barboza. Roc Barboza.

[Jake Johnson]

Rock Barbos. And what's the significance of that?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I have no idea. One of the other guys came up with it before I joined the band.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool. So Rock Barboza and you guys play around the dive bars in the Twin Cities area.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yep. I've got a show tomorrow night, so this timing is perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And so when you and you guys rehearsal. And how serious is the band? Because there's two kind of bands as you get older. And it's the same thing with like, like. And our connection is, you know, when Gareth and I first started, we were in a bunch of sketch comedy groups and comedy troops. So you're in a group, you're in an improv troupe. At first, everyone takes it really seriously. You're rehearsing multiple nights. You think, like, man, we might be on NBC, dude, HBO might buy this. And you might be the state man. You might be Mr. Show. And then, you know, it starts to fade a little bit and then some people go off and leave and other people stick around, and then there's the people who are in their late 30s and 40s who are still doing, you know, the improv shows. And it's four guys in a group called, like, you know, Eric Edelston and I were in a group with us two and these two women called Cookies and Cream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Goddamn improv team names are just. It's like a fetish. It's so. It's like potato salad.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Mom's Coleslaw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mom's Coleslaw.

[Jake Johnson]

And so, you know, we could still be in Cookies and Cream, grinding it out. But then there is the moment when you go, this is never gonna hit. Right? I still love. This is Rock Barbosa. Are you guys still thinking maybe there's a touring life ahead of you, maybe there's a record deal, but you got kids in a job, so for you, are you like, this is just a fun Friday night and one night a week of rehearsal, or where's your head at with it?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah, great question, man. I would say somewhere in between. I mean, in my younger days, 15 years ago, I was, like, in a signed band. Toured the country in a van with three other. So I've kind of had that life already. I'm like, I'm married, I've got kids. I've got a mortgage. Hey, man. But at least your van's bigger than mine.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going, John. That's cool. No.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah, but no. No delusions of grandeur, Jake. I mean, we've done it. We've all got families and kids and careers and stuff. Some of the bands we play with are, like, a little younger than us, and so. Another reason I don't want to be like. Like the lame old dude at the show. But no, you know, we practice, like, once a week. We play shows, we write our own music. It's a active thing. But, yeah. No. No dreams of John.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, then I got real advice.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

What do you got?

[Jake Johnson]

You gotta lean into being the old man because there's nothing lamer. And I say this. That's why I started a few years back, leaning into the fact that I'm an old man. There's nothing lamer than pretending you're not something that everybody knows you are. And I'm going to tell you why. Yeah, your back does hurt. You might be balding. Your body doesn't look as good in the tight clothes anymore. You've had way too many chicken nuggets with those kids. You've eaten too many of their junk food right before you throw it out. Your body's changed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You're a different guy. Those guys are 24 years old, smoking cigs and doing drugs and sleeping with anybody and everybody and doing these great shows, God bless them, they're living a cool life. That's not your life, but you're in it for the love of the game. So what's actually punk rock is an older guy is doing the Gareth and doing yoga in the green room to protect your back. And then when you get on stage, rocking out so that the young people go, I gotta say, that basis is so good, they go, you know, he toured, man. He was in a signed band. He's the real deal. So let the art be the art, but not be the lifestyle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a pitch too, that. That can coincide with that. Go ahead.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you guys should write a song called John Has Got a Bad Back. It should be a biographical punk song about how you love to rock still. But, you know, it's like you could. I could definitely hear Sex Pistoly lyrics about John has got a bad back. John has got a bad back. Something like that. And I honestly think that could be a way to get it. You maybe some sort of care. But I think Jake's right. I think lean into it and I think you could write a good little tune about how you have a bad back. You want to rock. You still do. But Jonah's got a bad back. And I'll go one further. You could lean into it and your punk stage name could be Johnny Bad Back. And you could wear like a prop brace.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I will politely probably pass on that last bit. I don't think you're gonna catch me in a back brace. Yep. No offense meant there. But, you know, of course, I think the broader lesson and message of leaning into getting older as I'm pushing 40, I think that's pretty reasonable. But I still don't know, like, you know, I'm not asking for stretching, advising, but what, how I'm not going to, you know, bring a yoga mat. So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make that even sort of cool while I hold on to my last shred of old man vanity.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Man, I'll tell you what. I'm friends with this Randy Bly, the guy who gave me my coffee mug that says Gary's mug. He's the lead singer, Land of Lamb of God. He before shows. It is legitimately a warm up for him to do what he does. I mean, he's my age, he's maybe a little younger. And for him to do what he does, he warms up his voice, he Warms up his body. The whole band, I mean, they really take it seriously. Like it happens in all these things when, if you're doing like live shows, this idea that, you know, you gotta have a couple beers before you go out there and all that, like you're there for entertainment of other people. So there's nothing wrong for you to take it seriously and actually do some yoga for you to, you know, do any warm up that you feel right doing. There's nothing weird about that. So, you know, it might feel anti punk because maybe you're sharing a green room with some younger bands or something, but they're going to be 38 too. And I would, honest to God, I would just write a song about a. John has got a bad back that justifies everything that goes on before the show.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I think writing that song's pretty reasonable. I don't. I don't know if we're going to fake the British accent though. And that's no offense to your ancestors, but it's nothing.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I'll tell you what I would do here, John, is. Yeah, I would. And it's not the funny pitch, but I would fully lean into being the old man band.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like old man punk band. Old, old.

[Jake Johnson]

But like pushing 40 in a punk band by nature is not punk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Think of Steve Jones, by the way,

[Jake Johnson]

you're supposed to be dead by now.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

True. So I'm surprised I made it this far, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, so, I mean, I'm surprised I'm still alive. So at a certain point you gotta go, all right, well, I'm also not drinking a thousand beers and a bottle of vodka because you go, I changed. So, yeah, you still love the art form. So now I would say everything about you guys besides the show, lean in, bring a. I'll tell you what I'm sitting on right now, John.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh God, you still are.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, a yoga ball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bring up, bring a foam roller, John, look, Jake's gonna show you now. He's sitting on an exercise ball. One of those big, weird, inflatable.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you why. I used to have a super cool one, a chair back here. That was that leather chair with. Yeah, it was awesome. You know what happened? My back was hurting because I was sitting too much. So here's what I want you to do, John. Lean into the fact that you're 38 years old. I want you in the green room laying on your back with your legs up.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

All right?

[Jake Johnson]

You know, like a professional athlete when you know a 19 year old kid, they're eating McDonald's before the game and then dropping 40. And then you see, like, Grant Hill, and he's in, like, nine different tubs and getting eight massages.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Guy stretching him.

[Jake Johnson]

All that matters is when the game starts or the game finishes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So if you're literally back there doing weird poses and they're laughing at you, let them laugh. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have a great show.

[Jake Johnson]

Once starts, Rip, they go like, okay, great. And then after the show, before you go home, go like. I'm doing 40 minutes of stretches in the green room so my back doesn't seize up in the car ride home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They'll be there. They will be there one day, I think.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah, I think that's very good advice. I. I don't know that I'm bringing a yoga ball. I think a foam roller or something like that is very feasible.

[Jake Johnson]

Foam rolls, a tennis ball and do it against the wall.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, lacrosse ball. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But lean, I would say. Here's the punk rock move. Don't do it subtly and don't do it in, like, a hallway and hide front and center.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

If someone doesn't like it off, you little twerp.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah, that's a good point. I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Move your ass, you little weasel. I'm stretching here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I mean, you could be.

[Jake Johnson]

We're talking about punk rock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we are. Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

A little confrontation isn't bad.

[Jake Johnson]

Not in punk rock. Hey, get your boots off that. Why? And he goes, what's your problem? I'm about to put my foam roller there and stretch my lower back because it's tight.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

Move your steel tip boots, you little punk. I'm putting my yoga mat there. To do some deep stretches, I need

[Gareth Reynolds]

to sit on my exercise ball. Start playing on an exercise ball. John has got a bad back, Don.

[Jake Johnson]

He's got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Johnny's got a bad back.

[Jake Johnson]

So what do you think, John? It's not the most fun advice, but it is. It is real. Yeah.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah. No, I think that the. The idea of leaning in is probably a message that I need to hear in a lot of different ways, so I appreciate that. A foam roller, I think, is something I could grab before my show tomorrow night so I can bring it and try it out. The song? Probably not. I. I just. I don't know if that was gonna work out.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Someone else will write it. It's gonna get written.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

All right. You can feature on the song when we record it. If you write it, we'll record it with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fucking done.

[Jake Johnson]

That'll never happen. That's as much of a Steve Berg moment as I've ever heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it could happen.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, John. We appreciate the call, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, John.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yeah, thanks for letting me know. Appreciate the info.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi there. Follow up, what's your name?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

This is Mitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Mitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mitch. What was the first call, Mitch?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I called about the parent that had the laser pointer at my daughter's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. Oh, Mitch. This is exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

Mitch, walk us through what the original problem was. For those who are lazy and don't want to go back to listen, but they should.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Disgraceful.

[Jake Johnson]

And then what we pitched and what you did and where we're at.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

So my daughter's taekwondo class, when the kids are all outside waiting for the class to start, there's been a parent with a laser pointer and he'll shine it on some of the kids. And then he's like, I don't have a laser pointer. And there's been a couple times where I told him, you know, put the fucking thing away. And he's, I don't have a laser pointer. Nobody's got one here. So I emailed the. The jackass. Yes. I emailed the Taekwondo place, and they were like, well, what's his name? I'm like, what does it matter what his name is? Look for the idiot with the laser points. I'm gonna knock it off or I'll do something. So then I was like, you know what? I'm gonna email these guys and I'm gonna call them and I'm gonna talk to you guys because you guys had some wonderful insights,

[Gareth Reynolds]

okay? And I remember what we landed on, but why don't you tell everyone what we landed on? And then why don't you let us know what happened?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Great. So what we discussed was. And the one that I thought was, yes, we're doing that. We're going forward with it was purchasing a bunch of laser pointers for the kids and put them in a bucket, and all the kids get laser pointers. Either everybody gets a laser pointer or nobody gets a laser pointer. So I ran that one by my wife, and she said, you are absolutely fine not doing that.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

So I was like, dang it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And she said, we're like, friends, and, like, the wife's like the mom. We were in the treehouse coming up with this laser pointer thing. Mitch goes to his wife and our whole call goes down the drain.

[Jake Johnson]

But what I don't understand why she would say no to that Mitch.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Well, you know, just a bunch of 6 to 13 year olds burning retinas of the children you know, they're ending up shining it on each other and not. Dude. So then she said, what. What other ideas were there? And I said, well, Jake said, what if. What if I got a high lumen flashlight? And she goes, nick Miller coming in clutch.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

So I got it all lined up. One of my buddies has one of those flashlights that it has a convex or conclave lens. So if you get the lens mixed up and you shine it, like, on, like, black paper, it'll start a fire.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

So that's the flashlight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The way, by the way, first of all, laser pointers. Fire flashlight.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

My wife has weir boundaries.

[Jake Johnson]

I will say, Mitch, you are coming in a little bit more aggressive. This call don't hurt anybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let's. Let's not turn this thing.

[Jake Johnson]

This is.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

This is all the good news stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

This does not end how I wanted it to end. So. Yeah, so talk to you guys the day after, went to class, the chode's not there. Like, where is he? What's going on? So I'm assessing the situation. Like, you know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and I'm gonna do the flashlight. The next day comes, he's not there again. So I was like, what the hell is going on? So I go to the instructor and I say, so where's. Where's. Where's this dad at? And they go, well, came on an off day, and his son was tired of his and started yelling, man child. Man child. That's not my father. That's a man child. So the guy's like, what are you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

And the kids like, as it gets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mine. Yeah, I could imagine that. Kidding me. That's why I'm getting a vasectomy.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Stop pointing the freaking laser pointer. Yeah. So. Whoa. So they were finally like, oh, wow, this kid really means business. He's disowning his father. So they pulled him aside, and they were like, hey, you know, there's been some parents that have emailed, and they wanted to follow up with me on the. The Tuesday that I went, but I dipped out too quick. They're like, hey, there's been parents. And also now with your son just flipping shit, this has got to stop. So he's like. So they're like. They told him that he is gone for two weeks. He is not allowed to come in at all. He can drop his son off, but he cannot come in to watch practice period.

[Jake Johnson]

So hold on.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

They weren't quiet.

[Jake Johnson]

Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch. You said this didn't work out. How you Wanted. This is perfect.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I mean, I wanted to shine him in the face. I wanted to.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a you thing. That's too aggressive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get the ego out of here.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All we wanted was the lasers to stop.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

And they did.

[Jake Johnson]

Stopped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you didn't have to have a man on fire with a flashlight that your wife approved. As opposed to having laser pointers in kids hands.

[Jake Johnson]

So that could have gotten you in trouble, gotten you involved in a world you didn't want to be in. This guy's obviously got some stuff going on at home and now it has nothing to do with you. Problem solved. The academy's fixing it. The laser pointers are done. Our pitches didn't at all. But it's a win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a win. It's not a bell ring win, but it's a win.

[Jake Johnson]

It is a bell ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a bell ring because you

[Jake Johnson]

called it with a problem. And the problem's over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My cat just. That scared the out of my cat.

[Jake Johnson]

But Mitch, this is a big win, buddy.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Perfect. That's a good outlook. I mean, I just wanted to blind them, but I. I appreciate you guys. Definitely take it, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What Jake's saying is there's no evidence tracing you to the crime. This is way better. This is like setting up on a rooftop with your assassin's rifle only to find out. Find out. The guy had a heart attack earlier that day.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly. Right? Or when you're right about to shoot, he has a heart attack in front of you and you go like, huh? And paramedic. He's pronounced dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Big win.

[Jake Johnson]

It's over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Big win.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So thank you for the follow up. Congrats. If he comes back and does the lasers, the academy is going to handle it. You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't bring that flashlight. Don't be the problem now.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Because the only way you can, the only thing that could happen now, Mitch, is you could lose. And that is, he comes back and you're like, you, dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You're like, whoa. Mitch is weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The kid did the work for you. It's. It's. You've. You've actually lucked out.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a win, Mitch.

[Jake Johnson]

It's over.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's over.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Get out of the hole, brother. It's over. The war is done.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Thank you. Guys. Come home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake and I are hugging you right now. If we're in person, there's a hug. And Jake, like, Jake's like, come home.

[Jake Johnson]

But what I'm worried about, and this is what I see, your ear. I'm worried about You. I'm going, like, right now. The war is over, man. Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This should be where you. You fight a little and then you stop fighting and you start weeping in Jake's shoulder. Yeah, that's what should be happening right now.

[Jake Johnson]

And where are you at, man?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

I got goosebumps. I got goosebumps.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, good. So, Mitch, is the war over?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

The war is over. I'm coming home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mitch, is the war over?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

The war is. The war is done. Gareth.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come home.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

It's done.

[Jake Johnson]

Come on home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on home. Mitch

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

and I have a parade.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, Mitch. Thank you for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on now.

[Jake Johnson]

I was born on the fourth of July. You're gonna come home, but realize the whole country's wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's over. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, we're getting out of here. Mitch, thank you for the call. This is a big win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, Mitch.

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

All right. Thank you, guys.

[Savannah]

Hi.

[Savannah's Boyfriend]

This is Savannah's boyfriend, AKA little gamer baby boy. I have a couple of things to say. One, when she told me what she was going to send to you guys, I told her exactly how you guys were going to respond because I know exactly how it sounds. She said after the recording that it was worse than what she thought, but it was exactly how I thought it was going to go down. Just wanted to put that out there. Two, I was totally fine with Savannah scaring me. It was a small price to pay for a delicious burger bowl being delivered to me while I game. I understand how it looks, and I wasn't gonna fight it, but she was always apologizing to me every time she scared me, and I was just like, I don't care. That's just how my body reacts. And three, I think we're just gonna keep doing the old system because she's developed a widow baby boy gamer boy kink, and I think we're gonna keep that up. So thank you, guys.

[Savannah]

Take out the last part.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions Executive producer Producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James FOSDYKE. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Savannah]

I'm dating a gamer and I bring him burger bowls and sometimes that scares him.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a Headgum Podcast.

[Savannah]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Jake Johnson]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is Us.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Are we gon. Yes. A little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[John / Mitch (different callers)]

A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was Us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.