293: Glass, Fist or Head & DOOR TITS! (with Samara Weaving)

Summary

We're Here to Help: Episode 293 – “Glass, Fist or Head & DOOR TITS!”

Release Date: May 27, 2026
Guests: Samara Weaving (actor, guest co-host)
Hosts: Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds

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Episode Overview

This lively episode of “We’re Here to Help” features Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds joined by actor Samara Weaving. True to the podcast’s classic style, the trio dishes out humor-laced, occasionally questionable life advice to callers, tackling everything from the existential problem of dealing with an enormous fake bear in a backyard to the surprisingly complex issue of feline-friendly toplessness and roommate etiquette. The conversation is peppered with running gags, wild pitches, and the recurring bit “door tits,” culminating in outlandish but inventive solutions to real listener problems.

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Key Segments & Discussions

1. Icebreaker: Samara Weaving Talks Movie Promotion & the “Horny, Sexy, Emo” Bit

[00:35–02:50]

• Samara introduces her new film, Carolina Caroline (“sexy, emo, horny movie… good for summer!” – 00:48), which the hosts riff on for its unusual PR description.
• Memorable Quote:
  • “My PR are like, please hit ‘horny’ and please hit ‘emo.’ Just really bring it home.”
    — Samara Weaving (01:40)
• Banter about bird puns ("emu" vs. “emo”), press tours, and live TV awkwardness.

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2. Problem #1: What to Do with the Giant Stolen Fake Bear

[03:04–07:13]

• Background: During COVID, Samara and her husband acquired a lifelike, giant fake bear as part of an ongoing prank between friends. Now it lives in their yard, terrifying guests and “warding off pests.”
• They joke about the value, weight, and pranking possibilities of the bear (“You ever get on that son of a— like it’s a horse?” – 06:32).
• Resolution Pitch: The hosts suggest either pranking someone else by gifting the bear, selling it, or just learning to live with it as prank collateral.
• Memorable Quote:
  • “Every time someone comes in, they are terr[ified] ‘cause they think it’s a real freaking bear.” — Samara Weaving (06:08)

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[Advertisement Break Skipped] (07:19–14:36)

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3. Problem #2: Belle – Finding Time for a Glass of Wine in Florence

[14:36–45:47]

Caller: Belle, private educator from Toronto
Theme: Can Belle discreetly enjoy Florence’s iconic “wine windows” while working 24/7 for a health-conscious family?

Discussion Points:

• Belle’s Dilemma: She travels with a family as a private educator/assistant; they’re health-conscious and consider alcohol “poison.” She wants to get a photo enjoying a glass from Florence’s wine windows—but feels awkward asking for solo time, let alone saying it’s to drink.
• Listener Clarification:
  • “There’s a gray area, kind of…there are a lot of hats. But it leans more family assistant than nanny.” — Belle (18:34)
• Hosts’ Brainstorm:
  • Jake pitches various escape tactics, from feigning a vague “family emergency” to reframing the time as needed research or “girl’s tradition.”
  • Samara suggests an educational angle:
    • “You could make something educational about the wine…like, this is where Jesus came and fell to first grape.” (25:16)
  • They role-play scenarios for how Belle might break it to the parents, from “pitching” time off to strategic fibbing.
• Role-play Highlights:
  • Sam as neurotic husband, Gareth as laid-back wife, Belle practicing her “request for time off” (38:14–45:01)
  • Emphasis on phrasing — “Just say: There’s some stuff I want to do in Florence…when’s a good time for me to break off for a few hours?” (43:01)
• Ultimate Advice: Phrase the request neutrally—ask for “independent time” for personal interests, not mentioning alcohol. If pressed, refer to it as a silly “tradition” or “girls’ ritual.”

Notable Quotes:

• “I think if I was to rank, I think I like the educational aspect of it. I just don’t know how I’m going to pull off the, oh, now I have wine in my hand.” — Belle (27:51)
• “The advice is: Between you and you.” — Jake Johnson (45:15)

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4. Problem #3: Leela (“Door Tits”) – Cat, Roommate, and Shirtless Dilemma

[49:33–69:34]

Caller: Leela, 29, Southwest Virginia
Theme: How to let her cat in and out at night while avoiding awkwardness with her male roommate—since she sleeps topless.

Key Points:

• The Challenge:
  • Leela’s cat, Tuna, wakes up before dawn, wanting in and out. With the door closed, the cat paws it furiously (keeping Leela awake). But sleeping shirtless, Leela can’t just leave the door open in a shared space.
• Initial Attempts:
  • She’s tried blocking the crack, toys, water spray—all ineffective.
  • “I just can’t do it [wearing a shirt]. It’s uncomfy.” — Leela (55:53)
• The Hosts’ Solution:
  • Gareth suggests a crafty privacy solution:
    • “Put a sheet up that covers the field of vision, but…so the cat can sneak in and out under it…” (57:48)
  • Samara escalates:
    • “Do it of a naked woman with her top out.” (57:31)
  • Collective riff becomes the running gag “door tits”: a macramé bead curtain fashioned like breasts, providing privacy and cat access.
• Escalation & Comedy:
  • Riffing on beadwork, saggy vs. perky, functional “door tits,” potential for matching “window dicks,” and the necessity of sending them a photo update for accountability ("You have to document the process of making door tits, and you need to send us the images” – 63:03).
• Memorable Quotes & Moments:
  • “Door tits is not going to be merch. I don’t want to be in an airport and see some like 35-year-old lady waving at me with a hat that says ‘door tits.’” — Jake Johnson (58:05)
  • “I think this is a good idea. At night you open the bra because you want to go to sleep. That’s just the way it is.” — Jake Johnson (61:49)
  • Caller to hosts, gamely: “No, this is the honor of a lifetime. I will not let you down.” (63:19)
• Payoff: Leela enthusiastically commits to creating (and documenting) “door tits” for the show.

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5. Closing Out: Community Update

[69:54–72:43]

• Voicemail from David, a listener in Santa Barbara, recounting his vasectomy experience (“they said 20 ejaculations, I said I’d get that done in a week and a half” – 72:23), tying in with ongoing community stories about men’s health.
• Hosts reaffirm the podcast’s playful, camaraderie-driven mission.

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Notable Quotes & Banter (with Timestamps)

• “It’s like an alcoholic glory hole, isn’t it?”
  — Samara Weaving, on Florence’s wine windows (19:59)
• “Every window’s got a wine. Every door’s got tits. Talk about openings— we’ve solved them.”
  — Gareth Reynolds (59:11)
• “The advice is: Between you and you.”
  — Jake Johnson (45:15)
• “I just like this character that Jake’s doing. Every line sounded annoyed about the… and I had to drink it... and I had a little spike…”
  — Samara Weaving (31:10)
• “I think for now… we’ve got an answer.”
  — Gareth Reynolds, as Leela agrees to make "door tits" (62:39)

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Episode Flow & Tone

• Fast-paced comedic banter, aggressive riffing, and creative, offbeat solutions.
• Frequent sideways explorations into running gags—especially “door tits.”
• The dynamic is collaborative, chaotic, and inclusive, making callers feel like part of the inside joke.

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Key Takeaways

• Sometimes, the solution to a problem is reframing it: whether that means pitching a “me time” window as necessary research, or turning a privacy issue into a (potentially viral) craft project.
• The advice always leans toward creative personal agency—with a healthy dose of absurdity and empathetic humor.
• Community-building is woven throughout, with follow-ups, in-jokes, and welcomes to new “characters” (hello, Door Tits!).

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TL;DR:

Episode 293 is a raucous, riff-heavy ride where advice, bits, and boundary-pushing craft ideas (Door Tits!) are dispensed with warmth and irreverence by Jake, Gareth, and guest Samara Weaving. From oversized prank bears to over-eager cats, nothing is too weird for the “We’re Here to Help” treatment—just don’t expect normal solutions.

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For further show info, visit heretohelppod.com — and if you see a bead curtain that looks like door tits… you know where it came from.

Transcript

[Belle]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, thank you for joining us. We appreciate it.

[Samara Weaving]

Oh, my gosh, thank you. I've been a long time listener.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh,

[Jake Johnson]

and what's the new movie? The.

[Samara Weaving]

It's called Carolina Caroline. It's sexy emo, horny movie. Good for summer.

[Jake Johnson]

Good.

[Samara Weaving]

It's me and Carl Gallner and we just, you know, rob banks and just be silly. It's good.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you say sexy and horny movie?

[Samara Weaving]

Yes. A sexy, horny, emo movie.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that. You know, we get talking points from pr.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Did they do, comma, horny, comma, don't forget emu.

[Leela]

Yeah.

[Samara Weaving]

And emo. Emu is a bird.

[Jake Johnson]

No, we're not. It's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a sexy, horny bird, though.

[Jake Johnson]

It's sexual.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if you've ever been around an emu. There's not a bird. That's.

[Jake Johnson]

No Gareth. We're going more. It's sexual. It's emotional.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And it's a bird. Yeah, exactly.

[Samara Weaving]

My p. Are like, please hit horny and please hit emot. Just really bring it home.

[Jake Johnson]

The idea of promoting. I hope if you go on, like, the Talk or one of those morning shows, when you're doing this one, just be. It's a really horny movie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sexy.

[Samara Weaving]

I'm gonna do like Kelly Clarkson, and I'll just be like, yeah, it's just a really horny good time.

[Jake Johnson]

I was so horny watching it. They have to play along, and they're like, this is live.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They have to play a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

They have to. Anything you say in that moment, they look at you and they're like,

[Samara Weaving]

it was so horny. Normally I'm the nervous one, but really, I have a lot of power there. I can just make her so uncomfort.

[Jake Johnson]

You could do whatever you want. And they. They have to respond.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's where the emu part, I think, comes into play.

[David]

Really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could drop the emu part. I just think it. You know what I mean? Still just me on an island. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just a horny, sexy movie with

[Samara Weaving]

the big old emu in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. With an Australian ostrich. Yeah.

[Samara Weaving]

Check it out. I actually. I want to call in to be. I need to call in to anyway be prepped to. No, no, no. Like, I have. I have problems. I need to call it Jake and Gareth problems.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Samara Weaving]

I need to call it, but sorry,

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like, do you have one at the. Do you have one at the top of Your brain like a.

[Samara Weaving]

And. But I know, Jake, from listening, that you'll be on my husband's side.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, really quickly, before we start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

What is the. We're not going to fully pitch on

[Gareth Reynolds]

it, but you already know going in that she's worried about that, so.

[Samara Weaving]

Because it involves animals that are outside that aren't real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not good.

[Jake Johnson]

He's got some.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not going to lie. That's a bad start.

[Samara Weaving]

I know. I know. It's a really bad start. And then, because I had this issue a while ago, and I was like, should I call in? And then everyone was like, no, you're crazy. Like, you're probably going to be a guest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Samara, what do you do for work? I'm in a bunch of movies. Okay, Wait, what's going on?

[Jake Johnson]

You know, I know. I know you. I'm a fan of you. Yeah, I know this woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you're from the emu movie. That's sexy. What is the problem, Samara? Let's hear it.

[Samara Weaving]

Okay, so during COVID we went on an RV trip, and my husband and his friends gobbled, like, a bunch of drugs and went to a casino and stole a giant fake bear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Jake. Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

How big is the bear, Jake?

[Samara Weaving]

It's really big. It's enormous.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it realistic?

[Samara Weaving]

It's. It's realistic.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm right.

[Samara Weaving]

It's not like taxidermy, but it's.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I know what you're. It's that, like, iron work, but it looks like. Is it a grizzly or a black bear?

[Samara Weaving]

It. Oh, I don't know my bears, but it's like the size of a. A person, I'd say.

[Jake Johnson]

Does it have a vibe like it's going to attack or kind of like a big fat raccoon that's just looking for trash?

[Samara Weaving]

It's on all fours, but does have quite an aggressive look. Okay, that could still be either him or her.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, how much would you like for it, Jake?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's actually not. This is not what it is. It's not Pawn Stars.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought we were doing Pawn Stars for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're not. Okay, so

[Samara Weaving]

wait. This is a solution, though, if you just buy it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not for Jake's wife.

[Jake Johnson]

He.

[Samara Weaving]

So me and your wife going, you take it.

[Jake Johnson]

So he stole this with some friends, put it in your backyard.

[Samara Weaving]

Well, we were pranking each other. Like, me and our mates were all pranking each other with it. Like, breaking into each other's houses, putting it.

[Jake Johnson]

Excellent. Why don't you prank me, put in my backyard and then forget the prank.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll laugh. It'll be a horrible.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll prank you. Just give me your bank information. I'll prank you with a big chunk of money that goes in there and we'll all prank my wife that she made a mistake in marriage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll play a really huge prank on my wife. I'll put a door in the back and I'll sleep inside of it sometimes. Just know what it's like to be a bear.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Leela]

And.

[Jake Johnson]

And so now it's currently in your backyard.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah. And it. We like have just had it here for so long and now Jimmy's going, oh, it gets rid of like the pests that would come into our garden and stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

He's dead, right?

[Samara Weaving]

Every time someone comes in, they are terr. Cuz they think it's a real freaking bit.

[Jake Johnson]

And are you in la?

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't even get truck.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I can get my hands on a goddamn truck.

[Samara Weaving]

I have a truck guy. For sure.

[Jake Johnson]

How heavy is this? How heavy is this goddamn thing?

[Samara Weaving]

Oh, you could lift it. Yeah, for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for saying that.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah, no problem.

[Jake Johnson]

That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. You ever get on that son of a. Like it's a horse?

[Belle]

Yep.

[Samara Weaving]

On my 30th, for sure, I was dressed as Kurt Cobain and I was riding the bear.

[Jake Johnson]

You got any photos?

[Belle]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe you'll send them to Natalie. Can we post them along with this intro?

[Samara Weaving]

Absolutely. It's me and my friend dressed up as Fran from the Nanny and.

[Jake Johnson]

You mean SAG president. All right, let's take some calls. We will get to the bottom of

[Gareth Reynolds]

by the end of this session. I think we should each have a pitch on what we do with the bear.

[Samara Weaving]

How do I get rid of it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do we get it out of there? Which is the problem. Jake, remember? How does she get rid of the bear?

[Jake Johnson]

I got a solution.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do you gain a bear? Yes. Hey, everybody. We just want to remind you if you want to watch new episodes of we're here to help. It drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved. And we are brought to you by Casper.

[Jake Johnson]

Casper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sweet Casper. Jake, listen, we love it.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I am a fan of Casper. One of the things I've loved about doing ads on this podcast is the company send us product. And I would not have experienced Casper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But they were, they were the first in the like, hey, we mail you a mattress.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean that sounded crazy 10 years ago. I've worked at Casper for a while and they are the best. It is also so easy to get

[Jake Johnson]

a mattress in a box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's fun. And the pillows, we were talking pillows too.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, let me tell you this. These days everybody's looking for a hobby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you my new hobby these days. And this is not a joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Getting good sleep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm valuing the hell out of it. And the Casper helps. I use a sleep mask.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I have a version of that. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you using?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I use something called the Sleep Crown, which I actually think you could get into. Casper's mattresses are all built to be durable and long lasting. So you're not replacing your mattress every few years. Their products are designed to withstand the test of time maintaining support and comfort over the long haul. There's a hundred night risk free trial. So you can really give it a test sleep. And with 110,000 five star reviews, what are you waiting for? Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this? This is. First of all, I need to ask you a question, but I got two things I want to say first to the people. If you're in the mattress market, if you're not passed, but if you're like, I need a new mattress or I'm going off to school in fall or blah blah, blah, do Matt, do Casper. We've done it. They're great mattresses. You're going to get 30, 30% off when you go to the website. It's a fair price.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Second then right now, save up to 30% on mattresses and up to 35% on everything else when you go to Casper.com one last time. That's C A S P E R dot com. And save up to 30% on the mattress you deserve.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the great Booking dot com. Find exactly what you're booking for Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, it's a hotel, It's a vacation rental in the United States. Wherever you want to go, you go. On booking.com it's like you're in the matrix. I'm overselling it, but you definitely get a sense of where you're going, what it's going to look like. And it feels like you know exactly what's happening as soon as you get there.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me tell you what they said. Okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You tell me if this Sounds like us. Okay, whether you're booking for yourself, your partner, your picky teens, your sleep light, rise early, mom, or your high maintenance group chat, you can find exactly what you're booking for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know our high maintenance group chat. Yeah, go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's make some changes that feel like us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, first sentence. Whether you're booking for yourself. Yeah. Or your partner. That does work for both of us. Your partner could also be your beautiful girlfriend. Or Luke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Leela]

Fair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or my beautiful. Look.

[Jake Johnson]

Your beautiful Luke, your picky teens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cat.

[Jake Johnson]

Cat. My. Couldn't just, like, book for my kids without.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, no, but you want it to work for them, too.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right. But I wouldn't call them my picky teens. I'll go. Your partner, your offspring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you know which one works for me is sleep light, rise early, mom. I mean, Pam, there are times where I'm like, you know what? You are a diva. There are times where Pam's reason for wanting to move rooms, I just have to poke through my tongue. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll give you something about Eve. She's flying on Sunday. I found out about a week ago. She doesn't have identification.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the hell? Why is she doing what? So what's the plan? She's got to just race to the DMV and get an ID?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, no, you have to go through TSA and buy, like, a certificate that costs 45 bucks, that shows you are who you are based off. And you got to get to the airport three hours early. And, Gareth, you got to get lucky, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's just a wild dice roll.

[Jake Johnson]

I said to her, I go, mom, what's the plan here? And she goes, I don't know. And I go, well, if you don't get on there, what? She goes, I don't know. I go, I think maybe if you don't get on, you gotta take a train, babe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What are you doing? Get an id, Eve. Anyway, this isn't about even her id.

[Jake Johnson]

Or your high maintenance group chat is us, Eric.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those two there. I thought there was a telescope. Oh, God. So find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com. booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app Booking.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but. Oh, no, don't. Don't you lead me to an Austin Powers impression.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Booking.com. booking.com helps you get it ridiculously right, so you can find exactly what you're booking for. G. Man, you're on the road constantly. The hotel you're in did the show book it or did you book it using booking.com?

[Gareth Reynolds]

you know what I've been doing, Jake, is I have to switch hotels so often that I started asking the clubs if they'll just give me a buyout and then I'll find a hotel that's in between the places. I'll go to booking.com I'll find a place that is kind of equidistant and I get a couple nights in the same hotel. They couldn't make it easier.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I've got a question for the audience here. June 19th, is that the date for thee?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I believe so.

[Jake Johnson]

Eve live show in Omaha. We got people in the Midwest who are nearby who go I want to take a little trip and see something. But where would I stay? Well, go to booking.com because it makes it easy to find a hotel or a holiday home. That's just, that's not just generically right or right for somebody but ridiculously right for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, also Omaha, a fantastic city surrounded by fantastic. I don't know why you said things. Thank you, Steve. But you just live there. But it, there's. You could get vacation rentals. You could turn it into a few days. I mean who knows?

[Jake Johnson]

Hey Steve, if people come to Omaha for this little trip and they book on booking.com and they turn it into a three day thing, what are a few things they should do besides see you guys live?

[David]

Well, obviously we have the best zoo in the country.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In the world.

[Jake Johnson]

I think maybe find exactly what you're booking for booking.com booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Caller, you there?

[Leela]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, how are you? Can we get your name please?

[Belle]

I'm good, thank you. My name is Bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bell, nice to meet you. Bell. Where are you calling from?

[Belle]

Bell, nice to meet you too. I'm calling from Toronto.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Toronto, awesome. Okay, we're going to jump in Belle because we're hot here. You've got Jake, you've got myself. We have a great guest helper today. We have the great Samara Weaving from the movie Carolina Caroline coming out June 5th everywhere. So you are really going to. I hate to say that this is a guarantee, but this is a guarantee. We're gonna solve it.

[Belle]

Okay? Thank God. I need it.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, Simone, you've heard the show a lot. You got any questions for Belle?

[Samara Weaving]

Sure. Belle, Toronto. Have you ever been to Formula Fig? I really like that place in Toronto.

[Belle]

No, but I really want to. I like the. I haven't been yet, but I would love to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bill, you have a yard Do I have a yard?

[Belle]

No, because I'm in Toronto. I'm 16 floors up staring at the skyline right now. I have a balcony, and that's pretty cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can put a bear on the balcony. What do you think of that?

[Belle]

You know what? Not.

[Leela]

No, I can't be open.

[Jake Johnson]

What do we got? What's your issue?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's this?

[Belle]

Okay, so I'm a private educator, absolutely love my job. And one of the families that I work with brings me on their family trip sometimes. And so we're actually going to Florence in about a week.

[Leela]

Cool.

[Belle]

Yeah, so it's a.

[Leela]

It's.

[Belle]

It's pretty fun. I'm, like, quite excited.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm so sorry, I need to interrupt just because I'm confused. What's a private educator?

[Belle]

So I'm a teacher, but instead of working with the school boards, I have my own, like, homeschooling and tutoring business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah.

[Jake Johnson]

So I got you. So a family. It's. So a family just hires you, and you just teach their family in their little pod?

[Belle]

Yes, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're going to Florence because the child cannot be without an educator for 10 days or something?

[Belle]

Well, I mean, so with this family in particular, I started working with them even before I was a teacher, just. And then it's kind of just evolved into the teaching once I got my degree. And so I used to go on trips with them just as an extra set of hands, because there's three kids, so they were outnumbered. And the trip started pretty small, like, little weekend trips here. But now, you know, it's been, you know, a few years and all that. So now we're going to Florence.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, you're helping, like, as a nanny, too?

[Belle]

It's kind of. Okay, so I wouldn't say nanny just because we're all. Yeah, there's. That's part of the issue. There's a gray area, kind of. Because I'm not just clocking in, clocking out, teaching on this trip. I am with them the whole time.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. So they go like this. Hey, you want to run some math? And you mind helping with those dishes? What's the job?

[Samara Weaving]

Being a parent?

[Belle]

No. Yeah, yeah. No, I've never done, like, dishes and stuff. It's literally just, can you help us plan this? And it sounds like, help us take some pictures. But also, let's, you know, learn about the history of these places.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry, one second. You think this sounds like a great gig? There's no boundaries, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, because there's not really that. They're just. They. She's kind of grown into this situation. And now she's going to Florence, probably with minimal obligations.

[Jake Johnson]

No, the opposite. Every obligation. This is a guy who doesn't have kids. It's non stop. It's from morning. It's all of a sudden. Let's help. You mind helping with breakfast? Oh, what are we gonna do for lunch? And then the nap. And then, oh, this room's a little bit. And then also you want to run some English? And then. Oh, everybody just had a big fit. We got to get this room good. And then what are we doing after? Should we get dessert or something?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Belle?

[Jake Johnson]

What? What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, we'll answer that. Is it my obligation or too many hats or not?

[Samara Weaving]

A lot of hats.

[Belle]

Okay, so there are a lot of hats. But it definitely leans more like family assistant more than nanny. Like, I'm not cooking, cleaning. Like the kids are 7 to 12 kind of. So I'm not cooking, cleaning, like bath time, nap time, that kind of thing. The parents are the parents, but I'm just like an extra adult around to kind of help manage what's going on because they're. Yeah, they just want an extra adult to kind of like run things by or have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is the issue? So walk us through what you're calling about.

[Belle]

Okay, so the issue here, the reason I called, is because the parents themselves are pretty health conscious and kind of talk about alcohol as a poison. And so the kids only know it as this, like, really bad thing, which, I mean, it's not completely off base. I get that. And I don't need to drink. I've been on other trips. Like, it's not a necessity. But we're going to Italy completely. And Florence in particular has these, like, really cute historic wine windows. And I just really want to have, like, the wine window experience. I want to get a cute video or a cute picture or something like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, we're seeing the wine windows here. Yeah, we have some illustrations of the wine windows. It's really. I'm going to be on record. Is it a drunk's dream? You just reach into a building and someone puts wine in your hand?

[Jake Johnson]

Man, if they had gyro windows, I'd lose my mind.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah, it's like an alcoholic glory hole, isn't it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, it's an alcoholic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put your hand in and someone puts booze in it. Don't sleep on what Jake said about a Euro window.

[Jake Johnson]

You just put your hand in, someone puts a sandwich.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sandwich. Jake went to Florence and brought 40 pounds of window weight.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, they just. I would love it. To be mystery meats. Miss the glory hole. With mystery meats, you just go like this. Oh, it's one of those mystery meat holes. You go in and you're like, ah, pepperoni.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that is a glory hole now, officially.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Looks awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

You really want to go have some of that wine out of that little hole and get a photo taken of you?

[Belle]

Yeah, ideally, yes. But our schedule is, like, really packed. And like you mentioned before, because I am with them all the time, it's a little bit tricky. In the past, I haven't quite had, like, my own time carved out, which wasn't a big deal for those specific trips. But for this one, ideally, I'd like to sneak away without making it super

[Jake Johnson]

weird, you know, and this isn't the kind of family. I completely get it too. This isn't the kind of family that you could say, any chance, do you guys care if I go out and get this thing of wine just to talk that out? I'm sure if that was an option, you would have just done it. But I just want to talk it out.

[Belle]

It. I mean, it's always. It could be an option. I'm just trying to avoid that because I would just rather, you know, not have that kind of looming overhead of like, oh, she really wants that wine. Like, I'm the kids teacher.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah, yeah. But can you just say, like, another vague thing like, oh, I want to go to a museum, and then, like, I just had wine with lunch. Like, do we have to hit the wine element really hard or not?

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right.

[Belle]

Do we have to hit the wine element?

[Samara Weaving]

I mean, can you just, like, kind of say, oh, can I have an afternoon off? And then just don't tell them you had wine or will they find out or something?

[Belle]

Yeah, just because of the schedule, because we have our tickets booked for, like, the museums or the gardens or, you know, we have a day where we're driving out to the coast. And so it's pretty. We're pretty. We're pretty booked that it would likely have to be me sneaking away during. I'm assuming, like, during one of the lunch times where I just go, oh, let me go grab us this. And I feel like, all right, I've got a crazy. Get some wine, and then I have

[Jake Johnson]

a crazy pitch that I think will work. If you look at your schedule, your loosest day where you're needed, you've already planned everything. You're not teaching anything. The equivalent of if there was a day, like, you guys are all Going to a water park or something like that. Something that's just fun for the 7 to 12 year olds on family vacations. There's always those things where you're like, this is going to not be fun for anybody but kids from like 10am to 6pm in the middle of that, you fake a family emergency call, okay? And you go like, it's not life and death, but it's just something. With my aunt, you're like, do you mind if I just sneak off for a little bit and deal with this? I just have to do a bunch of calls and paperwork stuff, and it's just going to be a pain. But I can meet up with you guys at 2 then. So you're not lying, even though you're lying. The cafe you go to to do some work on your phone happens to have one of those little hole in the walls. You can maybe grab a sandwich if it was my fantasy. Or a wine if it's yours.

[Belle]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And while you're there, if they go like, did you have wine? You go. The stress of what I was dealing with a little bit got on top of me, and I didn't want to bring that back to your family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, like, it. Absolutely.

[Leela]

I do. I do.

[Belle]

I feel like that could be pretty clean.

[Jake Johnson]

Because then on your schedule, you can do research of at one to four, because you make the goddamn schedule.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bill.

[Jake Johnson]

The family is going to be on, you know Vadamani Street? Are they Vadamani? It's in Florence.

[Belle]

Yeah, that's on the schedule. You nailed it.

[Jake Johnson]

So if you go Vadamani in six, that's there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you go six, not Siete, okay?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm an American there. I'll call Siete. No, you're thinking Spanish, you goofball. But then if you go a block away from Badamari and you've got like, That is where you can all of a sudden get your wine. You go two blocks away. I just have to break off for an hour. I gotta do this stuff. It's really annoying. It's about my aunt. But in the meantime, I'm gonna put my hand in a hole and get a glass of wine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, We've all said that.

[Jake Johnson]

Sam, what do you think where we are here? Are we out of line? Are we close?

[Samara Weaving]

No, I think that's good. You know, Unless you wanted to, like, you could incorporate. I was thinking you could like, make something educational about the wine. You know, like, oh, like this is where Jesus came and fell to first grape. And now it's.

[Jake Johnson]

But you could Do a history of wines.

[Samara Weaving]

You know, you could be like. And the wine for the culture and the reason why and the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Samara Weaving]

You know, you could make.

[Jake Johnson]

Sam, I don't mean to be rude, but it's not. It's pressure.

[Samara Weaving]

Ah, Ms. Cozy.

[Jake Johnson]

But yeah, it could be an educational thing, which is really interesting. You could also educate about those little glory holes, you know?

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah. Have they learned about the birds and the bees yet?

[Jake Johnson]

You know, priests used to stick their junk in here back in the day, and now they get wine out of here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know where this started? Val, can we talk to you over here for a second? Priest used to dangle their penises. It go. Okay,

[Jake Johnson]

But I actually think she's right, Belle, because if you do something here where it's. There's another version where it's part of the education and to show them, you reach in and get the wine and ask them to take a photo of you. But go. What you can do here. And this dates back to the 1700s, right? And then you pull out the wine, and then while it's there and you're talking about it, you go, like, I didn't think this far ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'm not gonna throw it out.

[Jake Johnson]

It is poison, of course, but I'm gonna drink it to this point, a couple of cigarettes and have three more glasses of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gonna take some drugs and steal a bear. What?

[Belle]

You.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could say that you want a few hours to go around the area so that when you meet back up with them, you can sort of teach the kids a little bit about the area that you're in. So you wanna just go around and learn some things. And that's where you could maybe put your fist in the window and grab a little wine and write it off as educational purposes.

[Jake Johnson]

Why'd you say.

[Belle]

You guys are kind of turning me off from the wine window?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah,

[Jake Johnson]

I would say stick your head in the hole, not your fist. Just go in there, open mouth, and have them pour the wine right into your mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobel less turned on, more shirt. Where are we? Because I'll tell you what. Hearing stick your head in the hole doesn't feel great to me, but I've

[Samara Weaving]

said that you want a head or

[Belle]

a fist,

[Jake Johnson]

so glass, fist or head. If you use the glass, it is the most expensive because we got to deal with cleaning. If it goes right in the mouth, it's the cheapest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

An American. Just putting your head in the window is so funny.

[Jake Johnson]

It's the Chris Rock thing from we'll get you, sucker. How about if I just Stick my head in for a hundred, pour the wine in my mouth.

[Belle]

That would save on time. I'd say that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But we're starting to give some seeds of ideas. Where are you kind of at? What are you hearing here?

[Belle]

Okay, I. I think if I was to rank, I think I like the educational aspect of it. I just don't know how I'm going to pull off the, oh, now I have wine in my hand. Like, watch me drink it. I don't know about that, but I like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, so let's go to Samara for a second. You got the educational thing. You got the wine in your hand. You're not with the parents, you're just with the kids. Now, Belle, could that possibly happen?

[Belle]

Oh, not usually, no.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you're with everybody?

[Belle]

Yeah, yeah. Usually the whole group is together.

[Jake Johnson]

Mom, dad, kids.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah. It would be a bit weird, wouldn't it, if you were just like, I'm gonna have a glass of wine by myself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about this? How about when out and about, when you see the wine window near that area, run into a shop, make a quick purchase, maybe a little gift for one of the kids or something like that, start going on the walk, then say, oh, I left my card back at that place. You guys go ahead, I'll meet up with you. Run back to that area. You've got your card.

[Jake Johnson]

Chug a wine like a weird hobo

[Gareth Reynolds]

style.

[Belle]

No, I don't hate that.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't take that.

[Samara Weaving]

I. I actually don't enjoy it. Or do you want to, like, enjoy the wine, or do you just want the pick and the, like, quick experience? Or do you want to, like, sit

[Belle]

and have a. I want the wine. I don't want to have to chug it. Ideally. So like a nice little in between. But the reason I don't.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry, don't put a timer on it. Gareth, this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep talking, Belle. Jake and I are. Go ahead.

[Belle]

Ideally, I want the pick, and I want to be able to enjoy the glass of wine without chugging it. Sometimes the lineups can be long. There's a few different wine windows I've heard, and the lineups can vary. So what I like about this is the flexibility that in the moment, I see that there's a short line that I can kind of be like, okay, this is the one. This is my shot.

[Jake Johnson]

What if you pretend, though, that one of your friends, you tell the parents, goes, there's one thing I have to do and be like, it's so cheesy. But all my girlfriends have. We always Take a photo of doing this. So at some point, I need to sneak off and then go, like, put my hand in this hole, grab some wine and drink it.

[Belle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Then you go like. They go, huh? And you go, it's so stupid. But we've been doing this forever. Whenever there's, like, a unique place to get a wine, like, if you could pull it out of a donkey's ass. My friend Caroline had a photo and Jane had a photo, and they go like, whatever. Girls will be girls. But you need to sneak off at some point and do this stupid thing. And then you can, when you go back, be like, oh, that wine is giving me a headache. So the lesson could be how nasty this poison is and that you had a glass of wine, you could use it as a little lesson about teaching about wine. But then your sleep's going to be a little bit worse, and the wine is going to convert to sugar, which is going to give you a spike. And you have a little bit of a headache because you are dehydrated.

[Samara Weaving]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

They don't need to know you.

[Leela]

I do like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The educator in her loves this.

[Samara Weaving]

I just like this character that Jake's doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Every line sounded annoyed about the. And I had to drink it, and

[Samara Weaving]

I had a little spike.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My metabolism is doing weird things.

[Belle]

You have them like a play by play.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stopped by another window for a handful of Jimmy Johns.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't realize I was doing it, but I like these two gals a lot. And I went out against the three of us. Gavin in Florence.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just put your hand in regular windows. Like, this is a regular home. Sir. Wine.

[Jake Johnson]

I just. Anytime I see a big hole, I just reach in and grab something to drink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When in Italy, just wine.

[Jake Johnson]

Girls just want to have fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Belle, where are you at with the Jake pitch?

[Belle]

Okay, that one could work because they do know that, you know, I have a group of girls, and we do different girls nights with different themes that this. And I travel with them, too. So this could be very. This is very believable. Like, this is very doable also. 100%. The girls would like. They'd vouch for me easy.

[Jake Johnson]

So one thing you could say early on in the trip, you're down for all the stuff, the no boundary, indentured servant kind of job you have. And then said, but the one thing that I have to do for the girl is you go, like, there's this ridiculous thing and I've gotta do it. I hate it, and I hate it, and it's gonna give me a stomachache. But I just. I was thinking Wednesday at 1 to 4 while you guys are at 4. But like, when the family. It's all scheduled.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys are gonna be near. Do you guys mind if I sneak off and take a little bit of me time for the girls? And I'm gonna FaceTime them and put my hand in a goofy little hole and drink wine, and they're gonna go like, belle, do whatever you want. And then they're gonna secretly in bed go. I don't know if it's a good influence. She's drinking poison.

[Belle]

That's the side that I'm. I'm unsure if I want to

[Gareth Reynolds]

it up. Well, what you did, which is fair, you gave voice to the concern in her head. But you had her in the car.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. I don't know if it's the right car for her. That's why I said it.

[Samara Weaving]

Can you, like, spin it and be a little manipulative and go, do you guys want any family time? And like, just you guys hang, you know, like, do you want, like, there's an afternoon thing at this museum or that I think, you know, and just to like, leave you to really connect?

[Jake Johnson]

But rather than do. Do you want. Because then responsible to go like, no, you are part of the family. Even though the dad might be thinking, yes, I would love you to be gone. You know, I love when it's just the four of us in the family and there's not like the fifth or whatever. But if somebody says that, then my wife will for sure go, of course, stay.

[Samara Weaving]

Right, right, right.

[Jake Johnson]

But if they say, I'm gonna allow you guys to have some family time here. So on this day, I'm taking my time, even though I love you guys and I'm obsessed with you and I don' but one to four, I'm gonna let you guys do that on your own for your guys's own memories. But then I will catch up before dinner and help with that.

[Samara Weaving]

But also, does this family like each other or.

[Jake Johnson]

No, not really. They have a living teacher.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, they're not drinking.

[Samara Weaving]

That's right.

[Leela]

Okay.

[Belle]

No, I. I like that. I like the spin, I think for sure. Because, you know, because then in return, if I go, oh, I'm gonna give you family time, I don't think they're gonna be like, no, we don't want that.

[Jake Johnson]

They can't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm giving you family time.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Belle, let's do this. Sam, will you be the wife? Gareth, will you be the husband? Belle, will you pitch to them this plan? Babelle, you need to drive this. So that the answer is of course. And we'll say it's Wednesday at 1 o'. Clock. You've already figured out there's something going on from one to four. It's right near one of these weird places that has a hole in the wall where you could get snacks or sandwiches or drinks or touch somebody's genitals. And

[Samara Weaving]

now, now it's wine in a hole, bud.

[Jake Johnson]

It's wine in a hole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Starts with wine.

[Jake Johnson]

Starts with wine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Getting a handful of meat one way or another.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so Belle, when you're ready and make sure you win this exchange and try to do it as.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we should put up. We're gonna put you through it a little bit here because you've got to win.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, but give us. Give them a quick note of what the couple is really like. And I'm saying this more to Gareth because I'm sure Sam will be a pro, but Gareth is going to try to derail it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly right.

[Jake Johnson]

And I could tell that because he said to her, remember, we're trying to give her a hard time. And I. That's not what we're doing. We're trying to get to the end, but we're trying to get to the end of this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Belle]

So I would say. So there's three kids. And then I would say the. The father is probably more hands on and with the organization, really with the planning of everything.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Leela]

Like he.

[Belle]

He's the one. You. Yeah, he's usually quiet one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's actually not able to speak.

[Jake Johnson]

He had his tongue cut off in a motorcycle accident.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There actually is no husband.

[Jake Johnson]

He's mute. He's a sweet guy, but the mom does all the talking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so go ahead, keep going.

[Belle]

Yeah, so he's like, he's very involved and so he would definitely be very like into the conversation, into like.

[Jake Johnson]

Sam, you want to play the husband?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's too late, bro. We're at the table.

[Samara Weaving]

Reid, the neurotic husband. Okay, go.

[Jake Johnson]

How about the. How about the wife?

[Belle]

The wife is she. She goes, you know, there a couple, they go. She goes along with the husband, but she's a little bit more laid back, a little bit more kind of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's cool, man.

[Belle]

Yeah, great.

[Jake Johnson]

I actually.

[Samara Weaving]

Whatever you want.

[Jake Johnson]

That's. I want to do some crazy cool FX style casting. I think Sam, you go husband. Gareth, you go wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I think. I think we know why you want

[Jake Johnson]

a guy, a cool casting director.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we know why you've made that switch.

[Samara Weaving]

Are you sure? Because playing a pretty cool laid back wife that feels.

[Jake Johnson]

Wheelhouse.

[Samara Weaving]

Don't have to act.

[Jake Johnson]

What was your question about the bear again?

[Samara Weaving]

How do I get rid of it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Not a Kool Laid Back way Kool Laid Back. Back life.

[Samara Weaving]

I'm chill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get rid of the iron bear.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Belle, take over and let's see what we can do in three.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we going with the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you guys figure it out in the moment. Let's keep it chaotic. Wild cast going.

[Samara Weaving]

Hey, guys.

[Belle]

Okay.

[Samara Weaving]

Hello.

[Belle]

Hey. All right, so today has been such a fun day so far. You know, it's been super busy.

[Samara Weaving]

Back to back to back.

[Belle]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Husband.

[Belle]

Yeah. We've learned so many things. We've seen so many statues. I was just kind of thinking maybe the kids would like to sit down, you know, enjoy some gelato. You know, you guys have a coffee or something and just have a really good family moment together to talk about all the amazing art and all the amazing places we've seen. How does that sound to you? Yeah, I'll give you a little bit of space. I can go for a little walk and see where we can go for dinner maybe, and then I'll catch up with you guys and then we'll have a nice dinner together.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah, we might have to rearrange. Weren't we gonna go see the Piazza della Vita? But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but I mean, we can, you know, I mean, if she wants to go off for a little while, you think that's okay?

[Belle]

Yeah, no, I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just not you. Belle, we're actually talking as a couple right now. Bell. We're talking.

[Jake Johnson]

Why don't we let Bell talk?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Belle.

[Belle]

Yeah, I was just thinking, you know, we've been walking around a lot. A lot. And sometimes the beauty in Italy that, you know, from Toronto, everything's go, go, go fast. But kind of the beauty of Italy is we can sit down and just, you know, we can push the schedule a little bit. Sit down, have a coffee, have a gelato, and then kind of pick it up and see. See what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you okay with the schedule getting pushed?

[Samara Weaving]

Oh, it's against my nature, but she. She drives a hard bargain, wouldn't you say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I'm cool with whatever. I'm on a lot of Valium, but. Yeah, I know you. I don't want you later to do the thing where you go, you know, you get a little bit agitated, so, you know.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know, she paints a pretty, pretty picture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were worried about all those. Yeah, no, I'm floating.

[Samara Weaving]

So you're just floating around.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. I'm just the waiter. You said, is she high off her tits?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I took.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah, we like it that way. You know, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's how the. Yeah, it's how we keep it.

[Jake Johnson]

I need to jump in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aesthetic.

[Jake Johnson]

I need to jump in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's this guy?

[Jake Johnson]

Director. You guys have done a terrible job. That was as bad as it gets from both of you.

[Samara Weaving]

But I do think I was really trying to poke holes in that story, Bill. But you, I think you nailed it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, Gareth and Sam, I don't think I'm crazy here. This is a little weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think this is not clean enough. This is, this is how I would do it. I would just.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not clean enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wouldn't even go off the schedule. I would just say, hey, you know, since we're there, one of the days, if it's cool with you guys, I'm just going to go off on myself for a couple hours.

[Jake Johnson]

Belle.

[Belle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you be the husband?

[Belle]

Okay. Yeah. It's not. I don't think it's a huge deal of, you know, obviously I, I can leave the family. I feel like it's kind of. I can leave. It's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

It. But it's how you phrase it. But how about this?

[Belle]

I know that that's what, that's what

[Jake Johnson]

I'm having trouble with because that's what we're gonna crack. That's what we're gonna crack. Bell, you're the husband. Sam, you're the wife. Gareth, will you be the 12 year old boy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And Belle, I'm gonna be you.

[Belle]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So you three are doing whatever you three do as a family. Belle, take the lead of what the family does when the 12 year old boy's there and the wife's there and you guys are hanging.

[Leela]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two, big limit.

[Leela]

All right.

[Belle]

Okay. Wow, those statues were incredible. Okay, so I think we have about. Yeah, yeah, of course. Now we have a quick little snack and then we have to get right off to dinner in a bit and then, you know, we'll see what happens, what happens in the evening.

[Leela]

But let's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm hungry.

[Belle]

Start taking a look around. Yeah, no, me too. Let's go find some focaccia bread.

[Samara Weaving]

You love a focaccia, don't you, little Tim?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's the best bread.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good outside.

[Belle]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've learned a lot about. Yeah. And with learning, I'D love to learn a little bit about how it's made.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, everybody.

[Samara Weaving]

Well. Oh, hello. Yeah, for sure.

[Leela]

Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Belle.

[Jake Johnson]

Where are you guys going?

[Samara Weaving]

We're going to get.

[Belle]

We're gonna go.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, am I welcome? Am I welcome to join? I'd love to come, obviously.

[Leela]

Of course.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Oh, Tim, can I talk to you for a second about schedule?

[Belle]

Yeah, for sure. What's up?

[Jake Johnson]

Wednesday, 1 to 4. I'm gonna be off, if that's okay. There's some stuff I want to do in Florence.

[Belle]

Oh.

[Jake Johnson]

But other than that, I'm kind of available for anything. But I was hoping for that time. There's some stuff I just kind of want to do. Are you comfortable with that?

[Belle]

Okay. From one to one to four might be a bit. A bit long. Is everything okay?

[Leela]

What do you mean?

[Belle]

That's kind of a big chunk of time there. We have things scheduled.

[Jake Johnson]

Is there? Why don't you come back to me and tell me a good time where I could have a little bit of break? There's just some stuff I want to do in Florence, but I can be really flexible when you want it. But just maybe let me know when's a good time for me to kind of be able to go off and do some stuff that I want to do. And. And I'll be flexible to make it easy for you guys too.

[Leela]

Okay.

[Belle]

Yeah. Yeah. Let me. Let me talk to my wife and we'll. We'll figure out a good time to.

[Jake Johnson]

But honestly, Tim, you know me, whenever it's easy for you, I'm happy to do it.

[Samara Weaving]

That's okay.

[Belle]

No, okay, sounds good.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Let's get some of that focaccia bread. Is that what it's called?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Aren't you the educator for chacha bread?

[Samara Weaving]

You're fired. You're fired. Go back to school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

But what do you think of that?

[Belle]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that's why.

[Belle]

Yeah, I like that. I like the phrasing. I think the phrasing for that route of going the. Yeah, that. I think the phrasing works there.

[Jake Johnson]

So now let's put it into your words. I'm the husband. Sam, you're the 12 year old boy. Gareth, you're the wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two, Piglyon, whenever you're ready. I told you, boy. Stop bouncing that head around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let him bounce.

[Jake Johnson]

I like to.

[Belle]

Hey, boy. Hey, Tim, can I just talk to you for a quick second?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let it. Let him do it. Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Bill, what's going on?

[Belle]

Hey, I was just thinking from about 1 to 4 or so tomorrow afternoon. I'm just going to take a little bit of time. There's a couple things I wanted to kind of do independently in Florence if. If that works. I see in the schedule that that's a pretty open block, but I just wanted to run that by you.

[Jake Johnson]

Fine with me. Anybody got an issue?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that sounds great. Oh, gosh. We're like this all the time.

[Jake Johnson]

He needs a new educator. That boy's 12.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, stop.

[Jake Johnson]

That boy is 12.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

He's saying bedoinka doink. And we. That boy is 12. But Belle, I thought that was very good.

[Belle]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Nice way this is happening. What you do is between you and you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Leela]

Okay.

[Belle]

Amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Just go put your arm in that window.

[Leela]

Okay.

[Samara Weaving]

Have a grand old friend.

[Jake Johnson]

And then send. This is what you need to do to pay us. Yeah, send us a photo of you with the hand in the wall. And then drinking the wine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Samara Weaving]

And going like this.

[Belle]

Okay.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm doing a naughty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Thank you, Belle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Belle.

[Leela]

Okay.

[Belle]

Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace, Gareth Reynolds, tell them about your website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, every I. I keep building different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace, but I've been working with Squarespace for a while. Could not be more user friendly. They make it very easy and your website looks great. And we've built multiple websites on this show because it's so easy. They really. They help you find the domain, they help you get.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, here to help. Pod.com is our show website that is constantly evolving. And one thing I want to say, and that's a Squarespace. Guys, check out the website site because it's starting to evolve a little bit. So we've gotten emails from people being like, where do I find the blank in the blank? Well, go to heretohelp pod.com, which is a Squarespace website, to get all the answers you need. Squarespace gives you everything you need. It's got cutting edge design, it's got. You can put donations on there. Fun. Directly on your website if you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can put on there. There's also is the SEO tools, which for a while I just kept saying it and I didn't know what it was, but I don't know what it is. I'm gonna tell you. It's search engine optimization. So it's like if someone's looking for what you provide. They help you get higher in the search, which can be huge.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think optimization is good.

[Jake Johnson]

There you go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. Coming in at the end.

[Jake Johnson]

So check out squarespace.com Gil Sentme Ah Ms. Gil. Can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake Johnson SEO Tools Talk about being left behind in the search. That would be Gilbyu, Canada. An island by himself. Things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe. I'm still in the closet waiting for someone to come find me.

[Jake Johnson]

But actually Gil, it looks like your microphone is not plugged in, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So sorry, I didn't understand how that was. Anyway, Squarespace. Gil sent me. We're back.

[Jake Johnson]

Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using Gil sent me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're back baby. Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quint. Lately I've been more intentional. What I wear day to day. Leaning into pieces that feel easy, comfortable and put together just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my go to. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are clean and everything just works without needing to overthink it. This is real talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Literally tomorrow, going on the road for about 11 days and it's all quints. It's all quints. If it's not Quince, it's because it's soon to be Quince. It makes getting dressed easy. And I know that maybe sounds wild to some people, but Quince is my go to. I know that I look as good as I can.

[Jake Johnson]

I have bought probably nine Quint shirts. I do a bunch of the black T shirts and lately I've done the short sleeve collared shirts and I'll tell you why. I can wear it on the pod. I could wear it out socially to a lunch easy. But I could also wear it to a business event.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not kidding. I have a closet rack in my Honda Odyssey. This is getting sad, but I do. And it's just all Quint's stuff. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to Quince.com here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Quince.com/ here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com/ here to help. Hello.

[Samara Weaving]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name please?

[Leela]

My name is Leela.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Leela. Okay Leela, where are you calling from?

[Leela]

I am currently in southwest Virginia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, interesting way of saying it. How old are you?

[Leela]

Ruff. I'm 29.

[Gareth Reynolds]

29. Okay, listen, we're gonna jump into it. You've got Jake, you've got myself. We also have the Great Samara Weaving from the movie that you can see anywhere. June 5th, Carolina. Caroline. So we are. Yes.

[Leela]

So cool. Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, no pressure. Let's do this. What's going on, Leela? What can we help you with?

[Belle]

Is.

[Leela]

Okay, so I actually have a problem with my cat. She's amazing. Love her so much. But she does the classic cat thing where she wakes up anywhere between, like, 3 and 6am just, like, full of energy. Big demon goblin mode. You get it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Y.

[Leela]

But the problem here is I live with a guy. Like, my roommate's a dude, and I sleep without a shirt on. Like, it's just gonna happen that way. So I have my door shut. And my cat, she, like, does everything in the world to get my attention at this time. And if I let her out, you know, I have to let her back in a million times or I fall back asleep. I don't have a shirt on. It's awkward. She basically has learned this thing that drives me absolutely insane, and she can get her paw under the door and slam it back and forth. I've tried everything, and actually, like, it's become more to put it lightly. Like, I have this spray bottle now, and she does it, and it wakes me up in a startle. Like, I'm ready for action. I grab the spray bottle, she runs away. So then I have to, like, wait for her to go back and, like, very slyly spray her with a spray bottle. Because if she hears me move, she runs away.

[Belle]

It's like this cat and mouth, and

[Gareth Reynolds]

it keeps me up.

[Leela]

Like, I get really into it, and then to the point where I can't fall back asleep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Leela]

And I, like. It actually caused me to, like, miss classes and stuff because I will eventually, when she quits, I fall asleep. I. It's. It's become an issue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, is she, like, hungry?

[Samara Weaving]

Is she, like, hung? Why is she waking? Is she, like, hungry?

[Leela]

She has food in my room and her litter box is in there too, because, like I said, I live with a roommate, so I'm not trying to have, like, her stuff everywhere.

[Samara Weaving]

So she's just wants to annoy you?

[Leela]

She's. She just wants me to give her attention. And, like, she tries other ways to. Like, you know, she'll make biscuits, and she'll scratch it my legs and, like, do other stuff. Which, like, is, you know, annoying, but it. It doesn't get me, like, the freaking door thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Samara Weaving]

And do you have, like. Have you tried, like, all those dumb, like, cat toy thingies, like a remote control mouse or whatever?

[Belle]

Yeah.

[Leela]

Well, she's. She's pretty skittish to noises, so I feel like there could be something there. So, like, I've tried to get her, like. Like, she has a scratching pad. She has, like, 50,000 toys in my room. And, like, I put even, like, a blanket under the door to try and stop it, and she's gotten. She's found a way around that. So I'm like, I'm going crazy, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the cat is just causing way too many night distractions. And in order for you to stop anything, you have to get too invested. So you wake up basically.

[Leela]

Exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The cat's trying to get outside or inside?

[Jake Johnson]

Inside.

[Leela]

She's trying to get out of my room.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, out of your room.

[Samara Weaving]

She's going in and out. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So I got a question. The only thing. There's something about this that isn't making sense to me. Why'd you tell us that you don't wear a shirt to sleep? I just wanted you guys detail visually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Somebody's mad at the D. I honestly think more people should describe what they're like when they sleep.

[Jake Johnson]

It's also like, all right, there's the cat. The cat and you are in a war. The cat puts its paw underneath. For some reason, your breasts are out. In this story, the cat, you spray with water, but sometimes you are spraying the water after the cat has forgotten what's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your shirts off.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. The cat is done scratching, and then you, like, sneak up like a weird ninja and spray it in the head. And the cat's like, what the. It's not a teaching lesson. It's just, now it's wet.

[Leela]

The shirt is a thing because it makes it so I can't just open my door because then I'll like. Then she won't be annoying me. I'll fall asleep and I don't know when my roommate gets up and not.

[Jake Johnson]

Can't you open? That doesn't add up. The math. The math isn't mathing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't have to expose your breasts when you open the door. You can kind of shield your chest from it.

[Leela]

No, it's weird. He'll open the door entirely, and then it's just like, my bed is in.

[Jake Johnson]

I. So you're also saying if you let her out, then the cat might start pushing the door back in.

[Leela]

She pushes it completely open. Like, if I open it a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

So basically, the. The breasts being out are just. It's a weird side detail, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you might be sleeping.

[Leela]

And expose myself to my roommate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. Well, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Put a towel on. I mean, we've been dealing with this forever. When we're around others, we can't be naked around. There's ways to cover up. You have arms.

[Leela]

Yeah, yeah, but I'm sleeping. I don't know what's going on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

You're awake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just if the j.

[Jake Johnson]

If the cat is trying to get out of this situation, the cat's like, I got the. A weird owner. I got to get out of here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If. If the solution ends up being that you wear a shirt. The straightest arrow we've ever fired.

[Leela]

I just can't do it. It's uncomfy.

[Samara Weaving]

Tape on. Just put, like, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, maybe a couple tassely pasties.

[Belle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

One quick question, Leela. What's going on with this roommate of yours?

[Leela]

Well, he's like a normal guy or whatever. It's just that the. The line of sight is so direct right there.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you're basically saying the solution for this issue would be just leave your door open when you sleep so the cat could go in and out. The problem is, is you like your chest out, and you've got the kind of relationship where he would be able to see it, and it would change the dynamic.

[Leela]

Yeah, it'd be weird. We don't, like. We're not intimate in any way.

[Belle]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I completely understand not wanting your roommate to see your breasts. Okay. Why don't you put a sheet up that covers the field of vision, but is enough so the cat can sneak in and out under it for when you do that. So you're not wearing the chest towel, but the doors, huh?

[Leela]

Like some sort of macrame, like, cool

[Jake Johnson]

door beads kind of like late 60s bead thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Like what a psychic walks through.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, like you're in, like, Berkeley of the late 60s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Leela]

Oh, I could make it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Leela]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Samara Weaving]

Hey, man.

[Jake Johnson]

And then can you do design in the. The beadwork? Because if so, do it of a naked woman with her top out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do it of breasts. So everybody's getting something out of this. He's not gonna go, hey, that's weird beads. He's gonna go, nice door tits. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't call them door tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Mushroom grass on my wall actually could start making them.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but what do you think about something like that? Door tits Is not going to be merged. I don't want to be in an airport and see some like 35 year old lady waving at me with a

[Samara Weaving]

hat that says five year old lady will be me and I will be waiting.

[Leela]

I will run that with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, It's a nice way to start it.

[Samara Weaving]

Let's bo this plane, you know,

[Gareth Reynolds]

as you walk by. Morning, Dor Tits.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Door tits. Door tits Playing my guy.

[Leela]

Door tit.

[Jake Johnson]

Door tits, unfortunately, is becoming a thing. Door tits is the worst

[Gareth Reynolds]

for life.

[Samara Weaving]

You know what's up?

[Leela]

Door tits?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Saying it more is not getting it out of the ver.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm trying to just get it out of my system because now all I'm thinking about is door tits. And while I'm looking at the word

[Samara Weaving]

system, I don't want it in the system.

[Jake Johnson]

The idea tits on a door is awful to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need the doors in general, I feel like door tits is a solution to just doors. Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Just put tits on every door, we're good to go. We got a wine hole, we got a door.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every window's got a wine. Every door's got tits. Talk about openings. We've solved them.

[Samara Weaving]

Come on. We've solved all the world's problems.

[Jake Johnson]

If Gareth ran a brothel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When, when, when.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Leela, question about this cat. What is this cat's name?

[Leela]

Her name's Petunia, but she goes by Tuna.

[Jake Johnson]

Tuna. And so what I'm gathering from Tuna's POV here is. I'm just trying to do the math on this one. Tuna doesn't want to be stuck in that room.

[Leela]

Yeah, it's so weird. Like, if I open the door, which I have given in at times, she's like, cool, thanks. Like, she doesn't necessarily. She's not like running out to go do something. She just wants.

[Belle]

She likes the door that we started.

[Jake Johnson]

So what is the pitch? We create a. A thing of door tits and it blocks the door. So when the roommate walks by, he's. He goes, what is that? And you go, those are door tits. And he goes. And you go, my cat can go inside and out and then you don't see my tits.

[Samara Weaving]

The beauty of door tits

[Jake Johnson]

is what?

[Samara Weaving]

The beauty of door tits tits, which if you know, you know, it's the hanging over the door, the tits, if you will. And they'll reach like, not to the floor, right? So the cat can like be annoying and decide that it wants to go outside and then decide that it wants to be back in the room without the roommate going,

[Jake Johnson]

but then what? You could do with door tits rather than. The beaded. Thing is, you could get a beach towel.

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That doesn't go all the way to the floor, that you just put little, like, pins at the top of the door and you roll it up at night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And so then it could just be a picture of tits.

[Samara Weaving]

You can also just get, like, a cat flap for your door. Right. Like, that's a legit thing.

[Leela]

Like, you mean, like, cut through the door?

[Samara Weaving]

Yeah, but I guess if you're. Then maybe.

[Leela]

No. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And also, Leela likes the idea of Macra made tits.

[Leela]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could have a little hook where you put the tits to the side during the day, if that's something you're into. But.

[Samara Weaving]

Oh, yeah, you can put them in a little bra.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What if you made.

[Leela]

That's amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. I'm actually. I think I was wrong. I think this is a good idea. If you make a sheet of door tits and then you've got a little bra and at the. In the morning, you put the tits in the bra and that gets them out of the way. And then at night, you open the bra because you want to go to sleep. That's just the way it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Shirt and bra come off, you go to sleep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. The macrame door tits also doesn't. Like, my.

[Leela]

My roommate will definitely, like, be settled and think that I'm normal after this.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, look, we can't solve regular, but we can get your cat and you to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think if you have. The macrame doesn't go all the way to the floor. The macrame, when put together, looks like a set of boobs, AKA door tits. It feels like every base is covered. And Lila, how do you feel about it? Are you gonna. Would you make the door tits?

[Leela]

I think I would make the door pit.

[Belle]

You guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want to think we need a lock in on this one.

[Leela]

The thing is, I just finished school. I'm like, what do I do with my time? I'm gonna make short tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've got an answer.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. All right. So here's one thing that we now ask people on our show who. Come on, you got to pay the toll. So the advice is free, but the pain of the toll means you need to document the process of making door tits. And you need to send us the images as it's going to be so that we can post about the door tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, Jake is completely right. And Leela, I'm not trying to put pressure on you, but the stakes in this one are a little bit higher. Because I guarantee you, Dor tits is something we're going to hear again. So we can't have you say no part of this to do this.

[Leela]

No. This is the honor of a lifetime. I will not let you down.

[Samara Weaving]

Your new nickname, I can't even tell

[Jake Johnson]

you is Dortets

[Leela]

are getting started.

[Jake Johnson]

When you call back, don't say this is Leela from southwest Virginia, say this is door Tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And also. Hold on, door tits. Let me finish. It's also very important. Okay? Don't do the thing where you call back and you go, well, I started to make them, but I was troubled. It look, yeah, finish the job.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth is right.

[Samara Weaving]

Commitment, that's how I feel.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's what I'm afraid of for door tits is that she's gonna call back and go like this. I started making. And then I realized I was making door tits out of little beads and it felt weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Hey, Leela, Dor Tits, if you get there, just remember this call. We are all behind you, okay? We. We have your back and be a back. Yeah.

[Samara Weaving]

And tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Yeah, go ahead. I can't say it. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But door tits. One last thing that I would like to know before we get off is what's it going to look like? How are you going to make door tits?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Leela]

Okay, so well, I've been envisioning it now that we're having.

[Samara Weaving]

Who hasn't?

[Jake Johnson]

Unfortunately, every listener has and one of the listeners like 10 year old kids in the back of the car going, why st. As the mom's going like, turn this one off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're going to.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, little Jimmy, going to school. Door tits are. When tits are on a door,

[Leela]

I think that how to do it is like have an array of skin colored beads and then like excellent. So the, the tits, they're going to be very saggy and the areola part

[Belle]

will be kind of the a cut.

[Jake Johnson]

Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Leela]

And it'll be two sides.

[Jake Johnson]

Why are we saying awesome to saggy tit? These are any tits you want to be there. You can make the tits anything thing

[Samara Weaving]

because every shape is.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God, what is this? A Gap ad? But we were making dork tits a second ago.

[Samara Weaving]

They gotta go all the way to the ground, babe.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's. Oh, you're talking about just two parasaggy dicks that go to the. This is a different image. I'll tell you what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what happened, Jake. You and I are picturing the same thing, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God. The Poor roommate. Oh, he's trying. Then if he sees your tits by accident, he's gonna go, those are the best tits I've ever seen. I'm used to seeing witch's tits every morning, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't listen, it's whatever you want to do. Jake and I were definitely picturing.

[Jake Johnson]

I was imagining very other kind of tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep going, Leela.

[Leela]

Well, I think.

[Belle]

Yeah, so it's.

[Leela]

It'll be like the, you know, half moon shape of the tit and like as.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like each.

[Leela]

Each string will go a little farther down, ultimately peaking at the nipple and then going back up and then, you know, the other side. And then they can pull to either side, held on by, of course.

[Samara Weaving]

And then you can go in the middle of them too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you can like motorboat them if you want.

[Jake Johnson]

I've got a bad idea on how to finish this. If you got these big old titties right there. What if you finish it with a big old dick hanging out? So the cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks for the.

[Samara Weaving]

I don't know. I don't know about that.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's what I'm thinking. Give the cats and you know, when the cat walks by, like, you just whack around the dick at the bottom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, you're thinking of them. Oh, no, we. That's for the window. We could do window stream for the cat.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I was thinking the cat like a dick.

[Samara Weaving]

So it's wiggling through.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So when the cat goes in, we're doing a titty. Hello? Are you still there? Caller, are you still there?

[Leela]

Yeah, I think I'm picking up what you're putting down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, the problem's gonna get solved when the roommate asks you to leave.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, everybody, I'm Gilbert Gillen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome to do itself.

[Jake Johnson]

Honey, when they ask you to leave,

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm out of here.

[Jake Johnson]

Two and five.

[Leela]

Oh, God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think for now we see.

[Jake Johnson]

Is everybody a. No. So hold. I just. Visually, I'm trying to see it. I don't fully get it bit. So the things come down like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's like a. A long. Let's say imagine a beach towel. Where are the tits?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she. The whole thing. She's design.

[Jake Johnson]

Just a pair of big tits.

[Samara Weaving]

Well, big long tits. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So each one pretty much is a titty sagging and it's made of different, like beads. So the nipples are down.

[Jake Johnson]

So the nipples are the bottom. And that's what the cat can play with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we're not going all the way to the ground. I think you want to Leave a

[Jake Johnson]

space, hit the top.

[Samara Weaving]

Y was

[Jake Johnson]

playing with nips.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. That's fun as hell to play with the door tits.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead. Okay, so the dick thing made no sense because then it would be a dick coming out of tits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it doesn't work.

[Jake Johnson]

It'd be. But I thought the tits were going to be up top. There was going to be some torso.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, we're not just. No, we're not talking about a frame giant. We're doing door tits. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, so you got some. But then it doesn't have to be sag. It's just point of view, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she likes the saggy.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but we're saying it's saggy. But you're not going to put sagginess in the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If I were to design it, they're perky tits. But this is her door.

[Jake Johnson]

But no, what I'm saying, no matter what, all we're seeing is tits. So by calling them saggy, that's just the point of view of the viewer. I could look at those same tits and go, those are perky tits.

[Samara Weaving]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In it.

[Jake Johnson]

That's where I'm going with 100, 100, 100. While you look, the roommate can go, that's a pair of perky tits. And the owner and the artist can go, those are saggy witch tits. And the cat can go, I just like playing with the nipples. And I view them as little dicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, the door tits are. The door tits are art. You know, we all might see something different. Yeah, Yeah.

[Leela]

I might have, like a little showing. Have some vino.

[Samara Weaving]

An exhibition, please.

[Jake Johnson]

Exhibition. So, door tits, you excited about this?

[Leela]

I'm so excited about this. I've got a project now, I. A Life's Purpose.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And remember, send us the pay up.

[Leela]

I will.

[Jake Johnson]

Sam, thank you for joining us.

[Samara Weaving]

Of course.

[Leela]

Thank you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

And door tits, we appreciate you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, door tits.

[David]

Hey, Jake and Gareth, this is David up in Santa Barbara, California. It is May 18, Monday. I just listened to the intro of your latest podcast, Gareth talking about his procedure that just got done. I had emailed you guys at the beginning of the year because you were talking about it, and I had been planning on having this procedure this year as well. So longtime listener, I said, great, let's do this as a. As a community. So I just got my vasectomy last Thursday. So I'm about four or five days in and I concur with Gareth, it's not that bad. It really didn't hurt when it was happening. Been a little uncomfortable, but been fine this week so far. The only weird thing for me was, you know, I go in, they'd say, you know, take, take down your pants, lay down on the, on the bed or whatever. And then the, the nurse, he takes me through about 10 minutes of, you know, post op care and what to do, what not to do. And I'm kind of out there, I'm kind of exposed, and I'm like, hey, pal, like, do you want to put like a blanket over here because it's kind of chilly in here and, and this isn't exactly, you know, how I normally, you know, how I normally present down there. So, yeah, it was a little uncomfortable, but procedure went well. So far so good. Apparently I have to wait two months to take the test to see, you know, make sure everything is not working the way it's supposed to work. They said 20 ejaculations, which I said I'd get that done in a week and a half, but I guess you have to wait two months. So again, I always thought I was doing this kind of as a selfish reason. So I like the way you guys framed it and some of the other people who said in voice notes and that this is also a good way for us men to contribute to proper family planning so that there aren't any unwelcome surprises. So, yeah, appreciate you guys, appreciate you talking about this. And yeah, maybe in two months I'll be raw dogging all over town. So, yeah, like to hear more about this and more voice notes from other, other guys who did it. So glad, glad you talked about it and I'll keep listening. You guys are great.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're here to help. Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Jake Johnson]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Belle]

That was a Headgum podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a

[Belle]

deep dive from our show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is us.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna go episode by episode.

[Samara Weaving]

We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we gonna cry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.