294: Only in Alabama & Must Be Knife

Summary

WE’RE HERE TO HELP – EPISODE 294
“Only in Alabama & Must Be Knife”
June 1, 2026

Overview of the Episode

Jake Johnson (New Girl, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse) and Gareth Reynolds (The Dollop) are back with another episode full of humor, warmth, and legitimately helpful (if not always practical) advice for their callers. This episode showcases why the show is billed as “we’re here to help,” even as the hosts lean heavily into comedy and bits drawn from the sometimes absurd calls they receive. Titled “Only in Alabama & Must Be Knife,” the focus is on two central calls: one from Bruce, a man with a unique family/romantic situation (“only in Alabama”) and one from Taylor in New Orleans, who cannot stop throwing away his own silverware (“must be knife”). There’s also a quick follow-up on previous advice given about deterring a bird problem. As always, listeners are treated to playful banter, creative solutions, and a refreshing lack of self-importance.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Eve Saga Update (00:29–08:17)

• Jake recounts a family saga where his mother, Eve, tried to show up for a flight without ID, setting off a complicated, comedic rescue mission involving a driver named Rick.
• The whole thing is played for comedic effect, with Gareth chiming in about putting distinguishing markers on luggage.
• Stake in the sand: Trying to move Eve from Illinois to LA is like managing an off-the-rails Midnight Run—“the dream dies right here” (01:10).
• Suggestion of a future “Rick & Eve Reunion” on the podcast.

2. Bruce from Alabama: Unraveling a Wild Family Web (13:40–41:16)

Summary

Bruce, 52, from North Alabama, calls with a dilemma straight out of a Southern novel, complete with a twist: after his parents died in high school, his girlfriend’s family adopted him. The girlfriend became his sister. He later marries someone else, divorces, and dates his brother’s neighbor. Three ex-partners—now a “sister,” an ex-wife, and an ex-girlfriend—regularly attend family gatherings. Bruce wants advice for how to introduce any new romantic interest to this intricate dynamic without completely freaking them out.

Key Discussion & Advice

• The hosts are stupefied and delighted by Bruce’s story (“That’s kind of a joke zone that your girlfriend turned into your sister in North Alabama. Am I wrong, Gareth?” – Jake, 16:30).
• Bruce’s main issue is explaining this set-up to future partners, as a previous prospect was “uncomfortable the whole time” (22:09).
• Gareth and Jake decide levity is the best policy: they write Bruce a country-folk-style “explanation song,” modeled on the Beverly Hillbillies theme.
• They encourage Bruce to use the song as a non-threatening, funny, and honest way to break the ice. This fits Bruce’s family’s sense of humor.
• Jake: “This will do, I think, is it'll break the ice. It'll make it funny and weird. She'll [think] he's a goofy guy…” (40:28).

Notable Quotes

• “It’s a weird situation…my girlfriend turned into my sister in North Alabama. Am I wrong, Gareth?” – Jake (16:30)
• “So every time I date somebody I have to explain the sister situation. That’s an easy one…” – Bruce (22:44)
• “When I was in high school a tragedy struck / My parents passed, I was shit out of luck / My girlfriend’s family took me in / And for me that was a real big win…” – Gareth, impromptu songwriting (28:33; 41:41 for the improved/finished version)
• Bruce: “Only in Alabama. That is Roll Tide.” (39:56)

Memorable Moments

• Songwriting collaboration between the hosts and Bruce, with lots of riffing on the Beverly Hillbillies tune (27:00–41:00).
• Jake and Gareth encouraging Bruce to actually perform the song on future dates.

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3. Taylor from New Orleans: The Silverware Disappearing Act (44:06–64:13)

Summary

Taylor, 35, from just outside New Orleans, is cursed with a generational defect: he unconsciously throws away his own silverware, much to the frustration of his wife (and following in his father’s disconcerting footsteps). Mortified, Taylor wants a real fix.

Key Discussion & Advice

• Gareth is baffled; Jake relates, having done it himself (47:05).
• Multiple comic “solutions” are suggested:
  • Mark and name each piece of silverware with colored tape (“Bluey, Redzy, etc.”) to foster attachment.
  • Give Taylor a personal set (Taylorware); if lost, he must steal replacements from Applebee’s and leave a $40 tip and a crazy note (54:25).
  • Attach pieces together like kid’s mittens or via a fanny pack.
• The “Egg Baby” solution: For one week, Taylor must carry a single fork, knife, and spoon everywhere, always washing and keeping them in his fanny pack—like a sitcom kid’s “egg baby” responsibility assignment (56:27–57:20).
• Taylor is game and starts immediately, naming his utensils Forky, Spoony, and Knifey. Gareth, exasperated, delivers the line: “Must be knife” (64:06).

Notable Quotes

• “I don't know...I just feel like trash.” – Taylor, on why he throws away silverware (47:14)
• “Name them...you would never throw out a Redzy because the spoon’s sister is the knife and its brother is the fork. It’s a little family.” – Jake (52:08)
• “Must be nice. Must be knife.” – Gareth (64:06)

Memorable Moments

• Jake’s suggestion Taylor sleep with his utensils under the pillow and greet them conspiratorially each morning (60:38).
• Taylor’s fanny pack experiment and the hosts’ push for a daily voice memo log as accountability (62:15–63:07).

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4. Poop Plinko Follow-up: Robot Owl vs. Bird Poop (64:18–71:08)

Summary

Michael from Charleston, SC, checks in after previously calling about a bird repeatedly pooping above his window. Prompted by the hosts’ advice, he bought a creepy $36 robot owl (with glowing eyes and a spinning head) and set it outside as a deterrent.

Key Discussion & Advice

• Michael describes the fun/scary experiment: the owl freaked out his kids and his dog, but eventually worked when placed outside, as the bird left for good.
• Both hosts celebrate this win.
• “If that robot owl is anywhere near that window, that bird’s gone. Because that’s a living nightmare.” – Jake (67:07)
• “Michael’s porch has never been more shitless.” – Gareth (70:37)

Memorable Moment

• Watching the dog react to the owl.
• Follow-up proves the show occasionally offers outright practical solutions amidst the comedy.

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5. Taylor’s Fanny Pack Silverware Experiment: An Update (71:13–73:02)

Taylor leaves a follow-up message after two days with Forky, Spoony, and Knifey. He suffered shame at a kid's party and coaching basketball, but now finds he’s extra mindful about not tossing silverware—proving the psychological experiment worked, even if temporarily.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “It’s bad o'clock and I’m still flirty.” – Jake, opening riff (00:40)
• “You go to the jungle, you don’t sleep at night. You catnap, brother.” – Jake, riffing on Rick the driver (07:02)
• “Only in Alabama. That is Roll Tide.” – Bruce, after singing his family history song (39:56)
• “Name them... Forky, Spoony, Knifey...I love them already.” – Taylor (59:55, 60:15)
• “Must be knife.” – Gareth, after giving knife-related advice (64:06)
• “Michael’s porch has never been more shitless.” – Gareth (70:37)

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:29–08:17: Eve’s airport/driver saga—comedy and family chaos
• 13:40–41:16: Bruce’s Alabama family/romance saga, creative advice and theme song writing
• 44:06–64:13: Taylor’s silverware woes, psychological and “shame” strategies, naming silverware, fanny pack solution
• 64:18–71:08: Bird poop follow-up, robot owl success
• 71:13–73:02: Taylor’s experiment report and psychological breakthrough

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Overall Episode Takeaways

• The strength of the show is in treating genuinely odd and awkward life problems with heartfelt humor, wild creativity, and sincerity—while never losing sight of the comedy.
• Both central calls (Bruce and Taylor) receive not only laughter but specifically tailored, outside-the-box (sometimes literal) solutions.
• Not all solutions are practical for everyone, but the battery of approaches—empathy, song, humor, behavioral tricks, and shame—is illustrative for anyone facing a personal pickle.

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For listeners new or old, this episode perfectly captures the show’s charm: comic riffing meets real advice, and nobody with a weird problem leaves empty-handed.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

Back.

[A]

Can I start by saying something?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

It's bad o' clock and I'm still flirty.

[C]

What? Where did this come from?

[A]

Lizzo.

[B]

It's bad.

[A]

How about that as a line? It's bad o'. Clock.

[C]

A lot of bangers on that first album.

[A]

And I'm still flirty a lot. Maybe we should do that album as spoken word.

[C]

You know, I would love to get her on the show. She was on the Kevin Hart Roast. She was pretty good.

[A]

Yeah. Do you have any access to her?

[B]

No. This.

[C]

The dream dies right here.

[A]

But you would love Lizzo, of all people. Yeah, you love Lizzo.

[C]

That first album really took me. When I recorded my first special, it was. That was all I listened to.

[A]

No way.

[C]

Every walk took every club. I would listen to Lizzo before now.

[A]

That's fine. Get fired up.

[C]

No, it's just great. Can you update people on the Eve saga? I mean, it's incredible. I believe, basically, we've talked about how your mom showed up to the airport with no identification for a flight.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

There was a panic shock.

[A]

They wouldn't let her on.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

She doesn't understand. She thinks it's 1983 and she has.

[A]

She's locked up, smoking a pack of cigarettes.

[C]

Yeah. She thinks she's Bobby Dairo. And. And so obviously she didn't get on the plane. So then you hired a guy named Rick. I still don't fully know the origin and the machinations of how Rick came into our life, but you hired a guy named. Okay, how.

[A]

5:00am, I get a panicky call from my mom. I'm. I couldn't get on a plane, and I go, is this a joke? No. Okay. I don't know what to do. I don't have keys to my house because she's moving here, so only the realtor does. And I don't know what to do. Okay. And her house is empty. Her house is empty and she's in Illinois. Okay, well, let's. Can you get in the cab? I don't know. Okay. Really good.

[C]

He has a good amount of luggage too, right?

[A]

No, she checked it, so that was already going down. And my luggage is going to la. You need to pick it up. Okay. What's your flight number? I don't know.

[C]

Let's not sleep on a bag for a flight that you're not gonna make.

[A]

Oh, Gareth. I had to go pick up her bag from lax, and I was like, mom, what does it look like? You know what her Answer was, it's a suitcase.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's black.

[C]

Oh, perfect.

[A]

Every bag that came out, my daughter and I were there. I would have to lift it up. We would look, we'd go, do you see the name Eve on it? No. Pass. People were looking at us like we were in crazy. Just like a bag that.

[C]

I've had to do that before. I mean, you've learned that lesson once in your life where you're need to put, like, you know, a pom pom on the handle or something so I could recognize it. The bag tag. Searching to be like that. Mine. It's a low.

[A]

Every and everybody. And what we did was I just positioned up like a power forward. I got positioning, so I was there once the f. Once it came down, every bag that came down, I put hands on.

[C]

I mean, it's a lot. It's a lot. I would.

[A]

Every bag that was black, I would go like this. If it's. If it's black and it's coming down that chute, I'm Charles Oakland on it. I'm putting hands on it.

[C]

You don't see Eve come down the chute now.

[A]

I got confused.

[C]

Okay. So then I got here.

[A]

I did bumpy.

[C]

Am I in Chicago still now? Okay, so. So then what do you do? Then you.

[A]

Well, so it's o', clock, and I'm still flirty, but. So what happened is. Is so that day, five o', clock, I called my brother, and I go, hey, bruh, we're in a little bit of a pickle here, babe. And chopper five goes like, okay, let's figure it out. So, long story short, then my brother and I are. And it's bad o', clock, and we're not flirty now. We're in a. We don't know what to do.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So we both just start Googling. She can't get on a Greyhound. She will get in a fight with somebody. We can't get her on an Amtrak. I go, dan, I need somebody who sits next to her and his job or her job. It's like I'm forgetting the name of the movie. What's the Jack Nicholson movie where they got. He's got to bring a prisoner across the country.

[C]

Oh, no. You're thinking, De Niro, midnight run.

[A]

Yes. Midnight run. Or yes.

[C]

But, oh, no, you're thinking. Yeah, yeah, right.

[A]

You know what I'm talking about?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

[A]

So I was like, I. I'm literally thinking of that. I was like, I want somebody to handcuff themselves to Eve.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

And so I. I start googling it, okay, And I find a service where the. They literally drive people from one place to the other. Elderly people, if they're sickly, if they can't fly because of health things. And so I call or whatever. Eve has Chicago things. So I call and I talked to this woman who runs the company. We have a long conversation and I go, can you find me somebody who could get there? She goes, I got a guy named Rick who's currently in Los Angeles. I could fly him there tomorrow and then he could drive. And then once he lands, he's home. I go, what's the story of Rick? No criminal record. Sent me his driver's license. I could look him up. He's just a guy in his mid-60s who lives in LA. It's 60s. Not what I pictured neither. I talked to Rick.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

He reminded me of a character from Waiting for Guffman. How you doing, Rick? Well, I'm currently at an antique shop in South Pasadena. You know, it's funny you're in Pasadena, Jake. We're so close. But I'm. Yeah, I. I'm. My mother was 92 years old. She was my best friend. So maybe I'll make a friend for life. You won't. Rick.

[C]

Rick, I'm gonna have to ask you to actually drop that whole attitude right now. You're gonna need to come up a little bit of a more calloused exterior.

[A]

I going to have to toughen up a little bit, babe.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I go. This isn't your 92 year old mom. This is my mom. We're talking about the old school. We're talking about the old world, brother. You sleep with one eye open. I didn't sleep for years growing up. You got to keep an eye on that tiger, buddy.

[B]

You.

[C]

You're going around mo curly.

[A]

You know what, Rick? You go to the jungle, you don't sleep at night. You catnap, brother.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't feel comfortable.

[A]

Never sleep. That's when the animals are going to attack, brother.

[C]

So he so flies out.

[A]

We flew him in. Rick got lost at the airport, which was not a great start. My brother's going also. Rick did the crazy move of turning his phone off.

[C]

What the.

[A]

You know, we gotta do. We'll do a patreon where we'll get my brother's side of this story.

[C]

I have another pitch for it as well, which is I'd like to get Rick and Eve on at the same time, or at least independently. I would love to do a reunion.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

You know, it would be great would be to interview Eve for 10 minutes, not have Rick listening and then bring Rick in to surprise her.

[A]

Well, we just got to be really sensitive to Eve's feelings.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

We can't ever surprise.

[C]

Okay, so let, well, let's, let's at least, let's minimum. Let's get them on for separate sessions. But it would be great to have them on together. A reunion.

[A]

Actually, you know what, everybody, enjoy some ads. Without further ado, everybody check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early and there's also back catalog episodes.

[C]

That's right. So we're here to help. Is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. Just join us. Let's go.

[A]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking dot com. Find exactly what you're booking for. Gareth and I both use booking.com a lot. It makes things really easy for travel. There is a chance I'm going to go to Omaha and visit old Stevie Berg. We were just talking about it and if so, I'm using booking.com because it makes it a really easy way to do things and to travel. I use it for all my travel stuff.

[C]

I travel a ton. There are a lot of times where my travel is not booked for me and whenever it isn't, I go right to booking.com again. You just get a real sense of where you're going. I'm about to go on a long tour with a few friends of mine with my movie probably. And first thing we're doing is we're checking out booking.com locations anywhere we're going, where we're trying to find places in between. And we're thinking booking dot com. That's what it's like. But again, you've got to think of all these different restrictions or these different situations people have. Some people have children, there's a nap schedule. Some people are traveling with their parents, there's a nap schedule. Some people are traveling with their significant others, there's a nap schedule. All these things, you know, you want soundproof walls, you want a balcony, you want whatever you want. I don't know, you want a kayak. I don't know if they offer that. They're probably gonna tell me to not say that. But imagine if you're a foodie and you want a big kitchen like we were talking about. We've been talking about this on the show, Berg and Jake and myself. Berg is going to be competing against the chef out here in Los Angeles because he thinks he can cook. And we're going to use booking.com we're going to find a big kitchen. This is what you can do. This is, this is how it is. So no matter what you're looking for,

[A]

without question, it works. So find exactly what you're booking for booking.com, booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking.com booking.com helps you get it ridiculously right. So you can find exactly what you're booking for. G man, you're on the road constantly. The hotel you're in, did the show book it or did you book it using booking.com?

[C]

you know what I've been doing, Jake, is I have to switch hotels so often that I've started asking the clubs if they'll just give me a buyout. And then I'll find a hotel that's in between the places. I'll go to booking.com I'll find a place that is kind of equidistant and I get a couple nights in the same hotel. They couldn't make it easier.

[A]

Well, I've got a question for the audience here. June 19, is that the date for the live show in Omaha? We got people in the Midwest who are nearby. Who goes, I want to take a little trip and see something, but where would I stay? Well, go to booking.com because it makes it easy to find a hotel or a holiday home. That's just, that's not just generically right or right for somebody, but ridiculously right for you.

[C]

Well, also, Omaha, a fantastic city surrounded by fantastic. I don't know why you said thank you, Steve, but it, you just live there. But it, there's. You could get vacation rentals. You could turn it into a few days. I mean, who knows?

[A]

Hey, Steve, if people come to Omaha for this little trip and they book on booking.com and they turn it into a three day thing, what are a few things they should do besides see you guys live?

[B]

Well, obviously we have the best zoo in the country. In the world.

[A]

I think maybe find exactly what you're booking for booking.com booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Wayfair. I bought a robot vacuum on that cleans itself. It's a self cleaning robot vacuum and I love it. The thing goes around, vacuums the floor, then takes itself home to its Little portal. I'm a fan of it. Wayfair's got everything you want. It's got outdoor seating, grills, it's got outdoor furniture. Over 20 million 5 stars reviews.

[C]

I really can't recommend it enough. You go on there and you get overwhelmed. The problem with Wayfair is they don't sell bigger houses because you just want to buy all the things easy to put together. It is always a seamless experience. You get the outdoor furniture, it's right there, ready to go. There's not much to put together as soon as you get it. So look, you can also shop with Wayfair Verified, your shortcut to the good stuff. Their team of product specialists vets everything by using a 10 point inspection. That's testing things like quality materials, functionality and features and even how long it takes to build.

[A]

So look, patio season is here in these deals won't last. Head to Wayfair.com right now to get your outdoor space ready for less. That's Wayfair. W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. Hello.

[B]

How you doing? Well, I'm good.

[A]

Gareth is on. Four hours of sleep.

[C]

I didn't know I was talking to Johnny Cash. I'll step it up.

[A]

What's up? So, what's your name?

[B]

Bruce.

[C]

Bruce, take me to the mountains.

[A]

I shot a man in Folsom Just to wash him bleed. Okay, Bruce, how old are you, brother?

[B]

52.

[A]

And where are you calling from?

[B]

North Alabama.

[C]

That's right, you are.

[A]

Everything about this I'm liking, I'm loving. Hey, Bruce, will you tell us something? A couple of Yankees about north Alabama that we don't get? What's great about North Alabama?

[B]

What's great about north Alabama? Yeah. Hunting, fishing, all the outdoor stuff you can do.

[A]

She got great outdoor. What do you like to hunt out there? Down there?

[B]

There's deer, fish. I'm not a big hunter, but I do more of the. I live on a lake, so there's a lot of recreational stuff, you know, skiing and all that type stuff for you, Bruce.

[C]

You're lakeless voice.

[A]

You rip cigarettes. No, no, you just.

[C]

You don't vape, do you?

[B]

No, I don't do anything.

[A]

You ever considered being a singer? Singer, songwriter?

[B]

You know, I had. I've had people in my earlier years say you need to sing, but I'm not much of a.

[A]

You ever considered doing narration?

[C]

Please.

[B]

I never have. No should.

[A]

You gotta. You gotta. Your voice is money in the bank. Bruce. What can we do for you today, sir?

[B]

All right. I gotta give you somewhat of a backstory before.

[A]

Please take your time.

[B]

I get your help. Yeah. When I was in high school, my parents were killed in a car wreck. And the girl that I was dating at the time, her and her parents decided to adopt me into their family.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Built me a room and everything that lasted. Oh, very good people. Best people in the world. They're still my family today.

[A]

I love.

[B]

Yeah. But, you know, the relationship didn't last. But when we broke up, she became a sister. Wow. So I went off to college where I met my wife.

[A]

I have to interrupt. Bruce, that is weird information for two guys. Like me and Gareth. The really sad about your parents. There's no jokes there. Really awesome about the family doing this. No jokes there. Kind of a joke zone that your girlfriend turned into your sister in North Alabama. Am I wrong? Gareth?

[B]

No.

[C]

The second you break up and you're like, sis. Although it is Alabama, so, I mean,

[A]

it is Alabama to go on Friday. Like, man, I want to make love to you to Saturday. Be like, get out of my room, sister. This is great.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That seems so.

[B]

Believe it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's a weird shift.

[A]

Okay, so it is a weird shift.

[C]

And you broke up in high school or after high school, College.

[B]

She was still in high school. I had just graduated. We broke up.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

But, yeah, I mean, it is a weird. It's a weird situation because I have a lot of employees at work. When we get a new employee. Yeah. They'll say. They'll make a joke about. Because they know my situation. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The boss, his sister. I get that. I get that all the time, Bruce.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

But yeah.

[A]

Because I'll tell you the kind of employees who would say that if Gareth and I worked at your company.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

100 especially once again, in Alabama. I hate to keep saying it, it's just. It's the capital. Are jokes definitely is.

[A]

Bruce, back to you.

[B]

Went to college. Went to college, met my wife. Okay. We had two kids, which my oldest daughter, she's the one that got me hooked on y'. All.

[A]

So what's her name?

[B]

Ayla.

[A]

Shout out Ayla. Thanks for listening.

[B]

Yep. She lives in Memphis.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's she doing in Memphis?

[B]

She cancels children.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

Like, you know, abused, drug type stuff. Situation.

[C]

Everything's good for you. Except this sister.

[A]

Yeah, but. But even that Bruce is fine because it happened. I mean, you took a really bad situation and you really fought through it with that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So even that, I'm like Everything's a win here, Bruce.

[B]

Well, oh yeah. And see, like my kids, Ayla and Thomas, they, you know, they grew up knowing her as an aunt.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

You know, just like, you know, grandparents.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Until one day they were at my biological parents or my biological grandparents house where they saw a picture of me and my back then ex girlfriend and that opened up the whole can of worms. It was, that was an interesting day. But it's all good now.

[A]

Everybody is okay.

[B]

One big family. Anyway, going back to the, to the wife. We divorced after 20 years.

[A]

Okay. Oh, man.

[B]

And then after that, my brother and sister in law hooked me up with their best friend slash neighbor.

[C]

Jesus. God, this is getting high. I need a corkboard.

[B]

Okay, so I mean, that's just, that's three women. Yep.

[C]

You got the sister, sister, the divorced

[A]

wife, and then two kids with met in college. And then your best friends hooked you up with their neighbor.

[B]

Well, my brother hooked me up with his best friend.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, that's all that feels clean to me.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Where I need the help is we have a lot of family gatherings and at some of these gatherings, all three women can be in the same room. Ex girlfriend, sister, ex wife, and then the neighbor.

[A]

Bruce.

[B]

Yeah, they've all definitely been with me.

[A]

But too many people who have been with you sexually in the same room. I would say no bueno.

[C]

No, no good.

[A]

That's a great George Costanza. Keep the world separate.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Without question about that. It's like if you can keep those worlds. And I bet some people don't have that. Me personally, I'm like, I don't know, maybe one person where you're like, I dated her and her. You guys are cool when you get the third in there.

[C]

Well, it also depends how the significant other is handling it. So how is the new relationship handling it? Does she give a.

[B]

My problem is not with these women. My problem is with the possible next person that I date. How do I bring her home?

[C]

Wait,

[A]

are you, are you still with the problem? Bruce?

[C]

Bruce, are you still with the neighbor?

[A]

You're the problem.

[B]

No, I'm not with the neighbors. We broke up. Okay.

[A]

Neighbor.

[B]

We broke up.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

That only lasted about a year and that's been four years ago.

[C]

But that was a good problem. That was a good dry run for you to see that you've got a buzzsaw waiting for you at family events. The next time you with that beautiful, beautiful voice of yours, decide to bet

[A]

another film, because it's gonna be another woman soon with a guy like the,

[C]

like flies on I'm going to do everything I can to make it me. How about that?

[A]

What do you mean all right?

[C]

I don't know. Thought it'd go better. Keep going.

[A]

But what do you mean?

[C]

Nothing, I just love his voice. It's very attractive.

[A]

Where are you?

[B]

I know, I will.

[C]

No, Bruce, keep going.

[B]

But what when I bring somebody home?

[A]

Hold on one second, Bruce.

[C]

The joke was his voice is so attractive. He's lured me in.

[A]

So you want to be in a sexual relationship with a 52 year old man in north Alabama who his sister used to be his girlfriend, then his ex wife had him split and then his brother's neighbor he's now dated a year and now four years ago. You want to be the fourth?

[C]

The distance is going to be an issue and then not being gay thing will be a problem. But other than that I think it could be fine.

[A]

The second one seems huge.

[C]

We'll see. I don't want to get into it now. It's not about me. Good lord. You know, I hate to make these about me.

[A]

No, you don't. You love it.

[C]

Bruce, keep going. Hurry up.

[B]

Well, this just, you know, when I bring, when I find the fourth one, how do I tell, how do I explain, how do I explain to the. To a girl that I bring home. I get this without freaking her out because this happened before. I've had a fourth one that I brought and kind of told her about it and she was just uncomfortable with it the whole time, you know.

[C]

How did you tell her about it? Did you tell her about it like right before the event?

[B]

No, you know, in the pre. In the pre part before going, you know, I had, you know, to explain to her. I have to explain the sister situation. Sure. Every time I date somebody and then

[A]

that feels because of your parents. That was an easy one, I agree. Is that right?

[B]

It's easy one. And then. No, that's right. You're 100. Right. And then the ex wife, you know, we were together for so long, she had easy become part of the family.

[A]

And so is where it gets hard,

[B]

the neighbor where it gets hard. But sometimes the ex wife or a new person is like, why is your ex wife here?

[A]

I can explain it, by the way.

[C]

I do too. Is the neighbor also going to the events? Because she's the neighbor.

[B]

The neighbor comes to some of the events like we do. We do a pretty big Passover thing and she's there every other one. You know, not all the time, but it's just a possibility that she's there, you know.

[A]

What I think we should do here, and this is a weird one, Bruce. I think we should create a song and I think it should be like a little bit of like a kid's couple verse song where you go, like, let me explain to you what's going on here. My parents passed away when I was 15 and I married my girlfriend who became. And it goes on. And it's a couple verses and then you go, I turned it into a song because my daughter turned me on to a podcast. And she goes, okay. And you go, she goes, what? You go, you want to talk about it or you want me to sing it again?

[C]

I like the pitch a lot. I'm trying to think of who we could get to write it.

[A]

Us right now.

[C]

You think with the whole thing.

[A]

I mean, we're not doing. It's not gonna be a three minute song, Gary. It's gonna be like, you know, like when you're teaching a kid something new, like you got. Bruce, you might have watched some Daniel Tiger back in the day where there's like little lessons that you do it via song, so.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I know.

[A]

I'm talking about three or four lines where she goes. You go, all right, well, baby girl, I'm gonna bring you out to dinner with the family. And she goes like, well, that sounds great. And you go, yeah, there's something you need to know. And she goes, oh, no, is this gonna be bad? You. No. Well, when I was just a boy, my parents passed away in a car crash. My girlfriend's family adopted me and they became my sister. And then we go from that all the way. And you go, I wanted to explain it, but I know that it's weird, but I don't want to push you

[B]

away

[A]

before we get into this, Bruce, what are your overall thoughts of that as an idea?

[B]

That's, you know, with my family, with me, we're kind of funny. I like that idea that if I can make it, we could figure.

[A]

You got the voice for it.

[B]

Apparently so.

[A]

Not even apparently you got the voice for it.

[C]

I'm writing something.

[B]

Yeah. I just need lyrics.

[A]

Gareth is in. Gareth is doing right now. Did you ever see the movie with Russell co called Beautiful Mind? Well, Gareth is in right now a little weird room with. With math problems on the wall and it's called kind of tired Dumb.

[C]

Dumb Mind.

[A]

That should be the name of your. Stand up to her. A dumb mind. A dumb mind coming to you.

[C]

My mind palace is just like nothing. I'm like. I'm like looking at the same room they're like, you're in the same room, Gareth.

[A]

Your character is looking at that, and then we see your point of view, and it's all mirrors.

[C]

I'm lost. I'm like a cat.

[A]

All right, Gareth, give me a minute here. If we can crack this, is this something you will comedically do and try on the next girlfriend and see how it goes?

[B]

A hundred percent.

[A]

Okay. I think this does sound a little bit playful, but I do think it actually could work as a way to. And then if the new girl you date for a while and leaves, I have a feeling she's going to be part of your family gatherings, too. So you almost add it where it's like 5, 4, 3, You know, or like the wheels on the bus.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You keep adding to this thing.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

All right, Beautiful mind, where are you kind of at?

[C]

I'm writing it to the. I'm writing it to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies.

[A]

Ooh, I love that. Give us a reminder of what the Beverly Hillbillies is.

[C]

Well, this here's a start, by the way. This here's a story about Jed Benedict. Barely kept his family fed Then one day he was shooting at some food and up through the ground came a bubbling crew.

[A]

Okay, so can you. Before you do the lyrics, Gareth, could you teach that to Bruce? Bruce, do you know that? A little bit.

[C]

You've got to know.

[B]

I. I do. It's been a while.

[C]

It's been a while. All right, so it's just not even the lyrics.

[A]

Just.

[C]

Black gold now versus tea.

[A]

Let's hear you do that once. Just so we start getting you loose.

[B]

The. The. The melody or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, just with the. And it doesn't.

[B]

Okay, let me see. Let me go.

[A]

Your money in the bank. That is perfect.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, great. So we are starting in a really great zone.

[C]

All right. You want me to. You want to hear what I have so far?

[B]

Yes, so far. Let's hear it.

[C]

When I was in high school, a tragedy struck. My parents passed, and I was shit out of luck. My girlfriend's family, that took me in, and that was, for me, a really big win.

[A]

That's pretty good.

[B]

But that's good.

[C]

That's all.

[A]

I mean, so far. I mean, pretty good start, but now what we got to get. Too fast, Gareth, is this can't be a whole theme song.

[C]

I know. I'm trying. There's a lot. You gotta. I mean, there's a lot going on here. There's a lot going on here.

[A]

And then what we might do. Bruce, is if we like the lyrics, we'll send it to you. And then if you don't mind calling us back in like an hour and a half and performing it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because then you'll be able to have the script in front of you. We're not going to ask you to have this memorized on the spot. That's going to be too hard.

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[A]

But this is pretty good work by old G. Reynolds over here. Four hours. Now, if you. If you like what you're hearing, go to garethreynolds.com and see this guy live and then say to him at the show, can you sing this song? If you want to hear this song as an encore performance at every one of his live shows, just to make his life miserable for a little bit, have him go. Sometimes Jake is nice, sometimes he's mean to me. Now I gotta sing this song about this guy. I think that could be fun.

[C]

I signed real part. Like, someone brought a real bag of Parmesan this week. Like real nice Parmesan. I was like that. You shouldn't have done that. Okay, I'm ready now. This is on the fly here, so this might be real bad. Okay, hold on. Okay, here we go.

[A]

Great work.

[C]

All right, here we go. Ready? Thank you. Well, you haven't heard it yet. All right, here we go. When I was in high school, a tragedy struck. My parents passed and I was out of luck. My girlfriend's family, that took me in. And for me, that was a real big win. She was my sister then. Then she was my sis. And I know that's a lot sometimes we kissed. And I know it's not what you want to hear, but there's more to the tale. Stick around that part. I fucked up. We'll come back to that. All right. Then I got married and I had a kids of two. But we got divorced, but we weren't through. My third ex was my brother's neighbor from next door. She and I are done. But wait, there's more. Get ready for the twist. Whenever my family has a rendezvous It'll always be me, them and you. I made a song because I called a pod from two guys who give advice like their God, some of their advice. So some of the advice came from a calling show. But that advice is better than Piggly and Mo. They passed a few years from a tragedy. But don't. That's the start. I can finish it. I'll send it to you.

[A]

I'll tell you where we were. Money in the bank. Go back to where it Goes, but there's more. After he mentioned the other girlfriend, the neighbor. What was that last line with the neighbor?

[C]

That line is, but we were.

[B]

Wait, there's more.

[C]

My third. My third ex was my brother's neighbor from next door. She and I are done. But wait, there's more.

[A]

And then you stop and you go, we broke up four years ago. And she comes to all the family gatherings. And then you go, that's everything.

[C]

Okay, I'm good with that. What do you think of that there, Bruce?

[B]

That sounds. That sounds doable.

[A]

Great. Because then it's not too long. Hey, will you. Not in Gareth.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then will you perform the whole thing again with this new change? And see, length wise, timing wise.

[C]

So the line you want to add

[A]

is, but wait, there's more and more, Bruce. What would you say? Yeah.

[C]

Then you take it

[B]

after there's more. Like, there's more.

[A]

And it's basically just summon it up.

[B]

This is, you know, the possibility of he's gonna walk in a door and there's all three of them.

[A]

So when you walk in there. Yeah, they're the possibility. They're all three of them. But there's nothing going on and nothing to worry about. All right, the. The chef is cooking. Let's give him a second.

[C]

All right, you wanna. You wanna. I can. I can get there.

[A]

Yeah. Let's see.

[C]

When I was in high school, a tragedy struck. My parents passed and I was shit out of luck. My girlfriend's family, they took me in. And for me, that was a real big win. It's a good song, right? So then my girlfriend became my sis. I know it's weird. Cause one time we kissed. But then I got married and I had kids of two. But we got divorced, but we weren't through. My third ex was my brother's neighbor from next door. She and I are done. But wait, there's more. Whenever my family has a rendezvous, it'll always be me, them and you. And then you say it.

[B]

Yeah, I like that.

[A]

That's great. I like that. And then wait, there's more. You could then go if. Wait, there's not. No longer. There is more, right? You don't need.

[C]

No, there is. It's. Yeah, but it'll come after rendezvous. And then you're. They're the suitor's name. Their face will be like, wait, what? And you'll go, so.

[A]

No, you know, you could Then do. Then there's more than go. So if it's all right with you now, you know the whole situation. Should we Just go in and have some fun. I'm excited to be with you and I.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And then. Or you could go, wait, there's more? Well, it's a funky situation, but you're the only one I want to be with.

[C]

I think we say this, but as soon as there's going to be a family occasion, right. You get ahead of it and you're like, all right, look, I want to take you to a barbecue. And, you know, she'll go like, oh, great, you'll go, but there's a song. I have to.

[A]

I have to sing this to you.

[C]

And then you're going to sing to her and she'll be like, what? And you'll be like, that's just my truth. Yeah, I really get stressed about it, but I wanted to do it in a creative way because I care about you.

[A]

Bruce, think about this. I think this is pretty damn great, but I think it's golden thing.

[B]

Okay, first, I think it's golden if I have. If I have the lyrics and the complete lyric.

[C]

You're gonna have lyrics?

[A]

How was your handwriting on that, Gareth?

[C]

Terrible. But I could voice to text it real quick and email it to Jesse, who could email it to Bruce and then we can hear it again.

[A]

First of all, Gareth, great job.

[C]

Thank you, sir. Pleasure producing with you. Let me mute. I'm gonna mute myself and I'm gonna get this onto voice text.

[A]

You'd like to hear it?

[C]

Do you wanna? Okay.

[B]

All right, hold on.

[A]

Or, you know, we could do. In this case right now. Bruce, we're gonna say goodbye to you right now and we're gonna send this to you. And then will you call us back in about an hour and perform it

[C]

for us and listen to the Beverly Hillbillies theme? It's real easy, catchy. You'll remember it.

[B]

Yep, I'll do it.

[A]

Okay. Thank you, bro. Thank you for the call, friend.

[C]

Great work, Brucey Blythe.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[C]

Oh, there's that.

[A]

How we feeling?

[B]

Good as we're gonna get. And I'm feeling good.

[A]

All right, let's practice.

[B]

What's that?

[C]

You practiced?

[B]

Oh, yeah. We got this.

[A]

Okay. So you and your new lady. Or walk us through how you're going to do it and when you would do it.

[B]

Well, when I. You know, hopefully I can do this sooner than later. It's slim pickings around here.

[A]

Yeah, understood.

[B]

But usually first date is when I have the conversations of just between me and her. And then if there's a second date, you know, that's when we talk about family.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, more personal stuff. And that's, that's when this whole dynamic of the sister comes to play. And it usually gives them a look, you know, of like, oh, what kind of look in their face. But. And then bringing up the xy so how we're still friends and she's still around.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's, you know, it could go either way from that point.

[A]

So here's what I'd love to neighbor right now. I would love you to play both parts. Play you and the fictional woman leading up to the song, the small talk to get there. Then I would love to hear the song and then I'd love to hear her response.

[B]

So I'm playing both parts, I think.

[A]

So I think that's best because you know better because we're talking about a fictional woman. All right, Whenever you're ready.

[B]

Take this will be second day. This will be second day conversation then. Okay. Yeah. Just going to talk brief about my family because, you know, I definitely want to introduce you to him one day but I need to kind of give you a heads up on situation. And that's when they usually say what kind of situation? And I say, well, the girl. I had a girlfriend in high school and we broke up. But I had a little tragedy in my life and I ended up being adopted by her family and she's now my sister.

[A]

Hey, big daddy. What about the song?

[C]

We're trying to take all this lifting off your black off your plate off your back here.

[B]

Oh. So I just go in

[A]

transition to get to the song.

[B]

Okay, I got you.

[A]

All right, let's.

[C]

So after.

[B]

After, you know, first. Okay.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

I'm just wanting to give you a little bit of history on my, on my family and how it's a little dynamic. And friends of mine came up with a little song that I'm prepared to.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

To give to the, you know, give to you just to kind of break the ice and you know, give you the situation. When I was in high school, I tried to be struck. My parents passed away. I was out of love. My girlfriend's family where they took me in. And for me that was a really big win because song isn't it? Then my ex girlfriend, she became my sis. I know it's a lot because we used two kids and then I met my wife and had kids of two. We got divorced, but we were not through. Hang in there. My third ex was my brother's neighbor from next door. She and I are done. But wait, there's more. Whenever my family has a rendezvous, it'll always be me, them, and you. Only in Alabama. That is Roll Tide.

[A]

Bravo. Only in Alabama. Roll Tide is so great. And then you could just say, any questions?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Classic.

[C]

It's a great way to break the ice into it, I think. John, I think that's what you're gonna.

[A]

Such a win, dude.

[C]

I agree.

[B]

Usually I wouldn't sing to a girl on this. I feel good about it. I usually don't sing to a girl on the second date, but nobody does after I get to know him, of course. But this is something that I definitely could use in my repertoire.

[A]

Yeah. But what this will do, I think, is it'll break the ice. It'll make it funny and weird. She'll he's a goofy guy. And then she'll go, I don't get it. And go, neither do I. But I just need you to know it's a confusing situation. But nothing really weird. There's nothing dark going on.

[C]

The only thing I would say is. You don't want to say, I want you to meet my family on the third date. I think you just want to say, look, I want to get ahead of something in the future if things progress.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

Here's something I got to tell you something to a song.

[A]

This is a really nice win. Follow up with us after it happens. But this is excellent, man.

[C]

You did great.

[A]

You did, you did.

[C]

You used your time to rehearse perfectly. So, you know, keep us posted. Okay?

[B]

Will do. Appreciate it.

[A]

Appreciate you, man. Thank you.

[C]

Thank you, buddy.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

This episode of the POD is brought to you by Quince. If you're wondering who makes the shirt I'm wearing right now, if you're going, Whoa. JKJ's arms and shoulders and chest look slimish, but his arms look biggish and his shoulders look. Look thickish. Oh, it's because of quints.

[C]

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Now.

[C]

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[B]

Hello.

[A]

Hello. How are you?

[B]

I'm good. How are y'? All?

[A]

Good. Can we get your name please? My name is Taylor Taylor, where are you calling from?

[B]

I'm calling from New Orleans.

[A]

You in the city or outside?

[B]

A little bit outside. Just right out, right outside.

[A]

I spent some time down in the Flower district.

[C]

What, what's happening?

[A]

It's a beautiful. You like New Orleans, Taylor? He.

[B]

Yeah, born and raised.

[A]

Oh man, what a wonderful city. How old are you, sir?

[B]

I'm 35.

[C]

A lot younger than you, so you don't need to call him sir.

[A]

That's the boy. Well, it's a different thing down in Island, Taylor, for you for like two weeks last. I'm trying to go forward here. Okay, Taylor, what can we do for you down there?

[B]

No.

[A]

And this is a 35 year old boy. What could we do for you?

[C]

It's getting worse.

[A]

We're getting worse. I was also getting a little bit better.

[C]

It was.

[A]

It's either getting worse, getting a little bit better.

[C]

What are you gonna say, Taylor?

[B]

My wife actually called in for this show. I don't know when it was to talk about her memaw, who had a wig, of course.

[A]

Well, okay.

[B]

I've heard this. I've heard this New Orleans accent.

[C]

Better or worse since the first time.

[B]

I think it's gotten worse. I think it's gotten worse.

[A]

I think so too. I haven't found it. This. You're him.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know what that is. I don't know.

[A]

Taylor, I'm going to agree with you. Neither do I.

[C]

Now Jake, say New Orleans again.

[A]

No Orleans.

[C]

And then Taylor. Is that anything you've ever heard in New Orleans?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People do say that.

[A]

Who that gonna win that game? That's not gonna win that game. Hot knowledge.

[C]

Oh, I'll be honest, I don't think that was bad right there.

[A]

Who's not gonna win that whole idea? I think gonna win that game right there. We got a game right in here. We're gonna get a gator. Poor boy. Everybody. Ah, little no teller. Anybody at all, let us know what's going on here.

[C]

Creepy laugh to cover the insufficiencies is helpful.

[A]

Thank you very much. We gonna get gold out there in the CO mine then?

[C]

It's not gold. They're not 40 nighters. All right, Taylor, go ahead.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Apologies to New Orleans.

[A]

Agreed.

[B]

This has been a problem I've had my whole life. And I think it also has been handed down to me from my father. But I have. And this isn't something I catch in the moment. It's. It's a down downstream thing. I throw away silverware without knowing about it.

[A]

What?

[B]

After I eat a meal or something. Like, I mean, I'm not giving an

[A]

explanation of how it happened. I honestly get, like, how do you get. You know, I've done it.

[B]

I won't go by and my wife's like, where?

[A]

I know I throw away spoons.

[C]

How?

[A]

I don't know. How do you.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Either of you have any.

[C]

I don't know how you're throwing.

[A]

I don't think about it. It just feels like trash.

[B]

I don't know. I don't know until we don't have anything.

[A]

Taylor, I hate to say this. I'm actually with you, sir.

[C]

What is.

[A]

Aaron, this might be a Nolan stick.

[C]

It's not. You're not from there. You are from Chicago.

[A]

This might be a Nolan's thing.

[C]

You're not from there.

[A]

You know why? This is why Garrett doesn't get it. He's a Yankee. Talking about how many pieces of silverware? And how did this come to your attention?

[B]

Well, like I said, like, so I remember growing up like, you know, my parents are divorced now. I don't know if this was part of it, but I remember my mom being like, what the fuck is going on? Why. Why are we losing silverware so much? And then as I've gotten older, I've realized I started doing it too. There was a period of time where I had to live with my mom. A hurricane hit. Hurricanes hit down here. I was living with her. And then she started losing silverware. And I'm just. I'm the common denominator.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

And then it happens at my house. And my wife, you know, she'll be looking for a spoon or a fork, and we just are four or five of them short.

[C]

What does she say? She must be at her wits fucking end.

[B]

Yeah, she's a very patient woman. So this isn't like. It's more of like my ego is just to a point where I can't take it anymore.

[A]

Yeah. It's not ideal.

[B]

It's embarrassing.

[A]

It's embarrassing.

[B]

Look, yeah, it's embarrassing.

[C]

You could buy more, but you're calling us because you want to get to the root of.

[A]

Yeah, she wants to fix it. It's embarrassing. He' rosely silverware.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

[C]

So do you.

[B]

I mean, we do buy more. We run out buy more.

[A]

But it's okay.

[B]

I don't plastic, you know, I don't want to be full time plastic utensils. That's crazy.

[A]

That's crazy.

[C]

You know?

[A]

No, he doesn't want to be a Guy who throws away silverware because it's embarrassing.

[B]

I agree. Gareth. Gareth. That's why I'm here, baby.

[A]

That's why he's here, baby. God damn it, Taylor. You and I are the same guy. Just two cats from New Orleans, a couple of strays. Really fast.

[C]

So hard for you.

[B]

So fast.

[A]

Joe. Hey, my twin brother down there, Taylor. Really fast. Before we get into it, we never got an update on Mimo.

[B]

Yeah. So the.

[A]

Will you remind us what the call was?

[B]

The call was. I mean, it went on a couple of different tangents. He told a story about a wig that. Because it was you and.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

God, we gotta get his ass back on this show.

[B]

The initial problem was that memaw uses. Used Miranda as Amazon. Right. She wouldn't order her own Amazon stuff.

[A]

She used her granddaughter's Amazon to buy wigs.

[C]

It's an awesome issue. Yeah.

[B]

For romantics. For a romantic suitor. Yeah.

[A]

And then we were saying. But basically we were telling her pretend Amazon broke if she want. Like the Internet broke. It's great. So if you want it, you gotta go to a shop and buy. It was a classic.

[B]

Yeah. Y' all did an all time call. Well, we didn't. It. It. Two things happened. Something happened to where like Amazon kind of just fixed it. Amazon updated itself to where it's like. It makes it much more difficult to do. To do that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then Miranda did attempt. Attempt to like she has like an hour long recording on her phone of her attempting to play that. But meanwhile the. She goes on some tangents and.

[A]

And just wasn't having it.

[B]

Send it in the deep end.

[C]

We can edit it.

[B]

No, no, I tried. It was so crazy that my wife

[A]

did it, by the way, Taylor, we appre it. No, there's probably some stuff we didn't need to hear Meemaw say.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's stuff I didn't need to hear Meaw say.

[A]

Okay. So. So that problem has not been solved yet. You, Miranda, got eaten up by Mima on it. And you just kind of went like, well, okay, understood. I appreciate that update. And so now to you in the silverware, we. Here's the problem with this call just in terms of the problem, because I can relate. I. It is a thing that is happening while you have no conscious memories of. They just disappear.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

So here's going to be my first pitch to you just in terms of your house. And look, this is not great. It's embarrassing, but we have to go really embarrassing before we can get better. I Want you to put different color tape on each thing of silverware and name them. So a piece of tape on one fork, one knife and one spoon are all blue. Those are blueies. The reds are redsies. So when you're using it, you go like, oh, hey, red zone. So if you, you've got to humanize these, you would never throw out a red sea because the spoon's sister is the knife and its brother is the fork. It's a little family.

[C]

I like that. Here's where I thought you were going is maybe we give Taylor designated. Like we give. We wrap a little red tape around three forks, three knives, three spoons.

[A]

That only is that.

[C]

That's Taylor's silverware. Now if Taylor.

[A]

Taylor wear.

[C]

That's Taylor wear. Now if we run out of tailorware.

[A]

Look at me being like Gareth.

[C]

Yeah, I did feel it. I'm proud. I don't want to say anything. If Taylor runs out of all of the tailorware or all of the spoons for Taylor wear or all the knives, we should attach punishment to that. That is something that sort of shocks him back into having more respect for the silverware. My pitch on that would be he has to go into Applebee's for a meal alone and while he's in there steal the three pieces of silverware back to replace. Which is very humbling. So you're saying you're not going to accuse a 35 year old of doing.

[A]

Maybe in knowledge you might. But you're saying if he loses it throws one out. He needs to steal from a restaurant.

[C]

He's got his three spoons. If he's playing loose, then here's what

[A]

we, here's what we do. Then here's what we do for the restaurant to make it extra embarrassing for Taylor. Then you also have to leave a 40 tip.

[C]

Yes. And on the bill you have to leave a note on the bill.

[A]

You have to write me stole the spoon. Here's 40 bucks. So they think you're a crazy person. Person. Me steals the spoonsies. No, you have to write me steal the spoon. Because the spoon's names is Red Z. That's humiliated. That's embarrassing. Taylor.

[C]

I like it. I think I, I mean that look, we're doing some shock therapy. So that's my, that I like that pitch. I have a couple others, but my one would be plastic wear only you know, you want to eat like a child, you're going to get treated like a child.

[A]

The other is Edward Scissorhand tape stuff to. For each day, tape it to Your hand.

[C]

That's exactly. My next one was like bank pens back in the day. We have to.

[A]

You have to eat. You have to eat connected.

[C]

You eat with the string that you're.

[A]

Oh, I know what we can do.

[C]

Make a kid not lose mittens.

[A]

Taylor, here's an embarrassing one that would only take about a month, and then it'd be over. Connect a fork, a knife, and a spoon all in one. And you have. While you're using one, the other two are clanging. That's embarrassing, man. And then you go, why is that happening? You go, I lose these too much. Combine them with, like, a, you know, a little, like, keychain thing.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, Taylor looks it. We're trying to introduce some modicum of shame, because it's time for you to wise up a lot.

[A]

I've got a pitch, actually, that I think combines all of these, but it's the easiest way to execute it, because all these, I think, are fun, but they're hard to execute. Not hard hard, but they just take a little bit of work taping them all, naming them all that, combining them. I'm not exactly sure how you do that. Where do you combine the spoon? It doesn't have a hook on it.

[B]

It.

[A]

So do you remember? I don't know if they do this anymore, and I don't even remember if they did this when I was a kid, but I'm sure I've seen it on TV where every kids get an egg they need to take care of for a week.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Do you remember that, Taylor?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

It's like a sitcom trope.

[A]

I think the idea of it is the egg. You got to take care of it for a week, and it can't crack. So here's what I would like you to do. For one week, you've got one fork, one knife, one spoon. When you're done using it, you clean it. You bring it with you. So if you go to work, if you go to a restaurant, anything for one week of your life. Seven days. I don't care if you have a little fanny pack or what.

[C]

As a matter of fact, now that I hear it, you will have a fanny pack that these go in.

[A]

Why humiliate him if he's not a fanny pack guy?

[C]

Buddy, keep going. You said it. It's awesome.

[A]

But for one week, you obsess and learn to take care of this silverware like it's a baby. As soon as you're done eating it, you go clean your silverware. You can put the plate in the. In the Dishwasher, not the precious silverware.

[C]

Yeah, plates aren't an issue.

[A]

Yeah. Scrub, scrub, scrub, dry, dry, dry. Back in the pack. After seven days, I guarantee there's been a mental shift.

[C]

And if there hasn't been.

[B]

I think you've already created a mental shift.

[C]

If there hasn't been, we move.

[A]

But. Yeah, then if it doesn't work and you lose one after this, then we're going crazy. But you do this for a week and then call us back, see where you're at mentally. And then if you lose another one, I mean, we gotta have you walk into an Applebee's in a pirate's mask and go, me steals the spoons because misa spoon, baby. Yarg. And then we'll have you crack an egg on your head because this. We have to change this.

[C]

You know, it would be another good punishment. If that doesn't take. You have to wait. You have to get up early and go to the garbage bed and apologize for throwing out so much silverware and have your wife film it from the house.

[A]

Oh. Or when the garbage man comes, go, wait, wait, and have them stand there as you dig around and go like this, just in case. I threw away silverware because me's a baby.

[C]

I threw away spoons.

[A]

And you got to be in a diaper, brother. Or at least a onesie.

[C]

A onesie? We can't at least a diaper if

[A]

you're in a big onesie. And the garbage man is like, hey, man. He goes like, hey, brother man. I'm on a schedule here, brother. And you go again. One second.

[C]

Me threw out spoons, and your.

[A]

And your wife is going like this. Honey, go find the spoonsies. Those aren't free. Humiliating. So, Taylor, will you do the egg trick for a week?

[B]

Yes. I think a combination of the bluesy red Z and that would be.

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

Walk us through what you're doing here.

[B]

I want. Not only do I want the pieces of silverware, but I still want to put, like, that tape on them or something to make them feel like.

[A]

Yes, I think that's exactly right. Now, really quickly, what are you gonna name them? You can name them Bluesy Red Z. You can name them anything you want.

[C]

We're in a cute territory.

[B]

What about just like, forky, spoony, knifey.

[C]

Perfect.

[A]

I think that's a home run,

[C]

Jake.

[A]

And they're triplets, but they're fraternal triplets.

[C]

I got.

[A]

They're your babies. Go ahead.

[B]

I love them. I love them already.

[C]

I can't believe that I'M the odd man out here. That, that with the second that he said he wants to name them, you indulged fully, if that helps you, that's great.

[A]

I, I, I want you, I want you to also consider Taylor, and this is weird, sleeping with him under the pillow.

[C]

His wife's going to have to bang him again.

[B]

It's injured.

[A]

She's into this and I'm going to tell you why. We know her from the Mema call.

[C]

I don't know her, but. Okay, if you say so now.

[A]

But if those three get under the pillow and the first thing you do when you wake up is you like this morning. Forksy, Spoonsy, Nafi.

[C]

And then you put them in your fanny pack. Naked.

[A]

Not everybody's. You in a hotel room doing yoga, sleeping naked. But Taylor, I'm telling you, if you do that for a week and you really commit to it, you will never throw away a cousin of Spoonie. It's too personal.

[C]

If you do Applebee's in a pirate outfit, ordering mozzarella sticks alone, stealing silverware. Right,

[A]

the mozzarella sticks.

[C]

I don't know. You're right.

[A]

All right, Taylor, I think we gotta win if you do.

[B]

Yeah. So, so if I don't do it.

[A]

Well, let's, you know what? Let's cross that bridge. Let's cross that bridge. Then call us back after you do the week. If we're not recording and you call back and it's getting weird, leave a voice note and let us know how it's going to. Yeah, and if we are, then we'll get on the phone. But what I think is going to happen is you're going to say, I really wanted to quit by day three. The fun of the call wore off. But don't quit because we need to get to the point where it's not fun anymore and you're by yourself and you're like, this is actually stupid, but finish it. Seven days and it's like a marathon. When you get to mile 17, you go like, this was a stupid idea. And my knees hurt.

[C]

Why don't we get, why don't we get the kind of daily little voice memo? Check in on how it's going. You know, just.

[A]

That's a great idea.

[C]

Second little. What are we thinking? Any close calls? Something like that?

[A]

That's a great idea. At the end of each day, if you don't mind a quick little voice note.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I think, perfect. Then I think, what's going to happen, Taylor, is it's going to be fun at first, then it's going to get boring. Then you're going to get in the routine of it. Then you're going to be like, what am I doing? And then by the end, you are going to form an attachment to this silverware.

[C]

Well, you know. You know what he could do if. If he makes it through, like, if he makes it through, like a week and he's feeling good about this, you could treat yourself to a real nice set of three. Like, your three players could be like a nice, you know, like a $20 each nice set that you actually have pride in.

[A]

We're not there yet, but he could earn that. Right now he's throwing stuff out. He's treating it like junk. So first we got to humanize it.

[C]

Yeah, I agree. All right, Taylor, maybe you'll learn that

[A]

you feel good. What are.

[C]

What are you going to.

[A]

You got.

[C]

Are you going to start today? Tomorrow.

[A]

Tomorrow morning?

[B]

Yeah, tomorrow morning. I already got a fork, spoon, and a knife in mine that I'm going to grab.

[A]

No way.

[C]

What are they called? What are they called?

[B]

Forky, Spoony, Knifey.

[A]

I think you're in a winning zone.

[C]

Yeah. I'm not sure where you're at, but we look forward to the next call.

[A]

You really don't think this is going to win, Gareth?

[C]

I do. I, honestly, do. I. But I think you have better insight than I do, because I don't throw out silverware. It's a strange true. So must be nice. Gareth, man, if you just said, must be knife.

[A]

Must be nice.

[C]

Must be knife. All right, Taylor, go get him, bud.

[B]

Appreciate it, guys.

[C]

Tell me my high.

[A]

Thanks, pal.

[B]

Bye.

[C]

Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 251, poop plinko. Hello.

[B]

Hello.

[C]

Hi there. We know you're a follow up. Who are you, sir?

[B]

I'm Michael from Charleston, South Carolina.

[C]

Michael from Charleston. Neither of us have any clue what that means. What was the first call?

[B]

So, initially I called about the. The bird that was perched above my window.

[A]

Yes, I remember. You're that big window. And Natalie got a little sexist and said, just get on the ladder, boys.

[B]

Right, Right.

[A]

Michael, what did we. Will you remind the audience? Problem is and what we pitched and what you did. Good, sir.

[B]

Yeah. The problem was this. It was a seasonal issue with this bird showing up when the weather got bad. Who would perch on this big window that is above my front door with its ass hanging over everything and just kind of just taking a shake over everything. And the. The pitch was basically, I thought, yeah, a fake Owl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

We really do run quite a spectrum.

[A]

It's a good picture.

[C]

I mean, it's insane. It's insane that we in earnest got there and we were like, all right, man, have a good day. We're idiots.

[A]

Good stuff, brother.

[C]

Hey, man, good luck with that fake owl to stop the bird pooping on your porch.

[A]

All right. So, Michael, what'd you. What did you do here? Big dog.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So you. You said spare no expense, so I spent a cool $36 on a robot owl.

[A]

You got video of it?

[B]

Yeah, I emailed you guys a video of it operating.

[A]

I want to see that. I want to see that robot owl.

[C]

And also, Jake is gonna need a link because he's gonna order five, maybe 500.

[A]

Okay, let's see what this little guy can do. So what we're looking at is a little robot thought, you know, tiny little guy with a little green. With a little yellow chest. Yeah, let's see what this kid can do.

[C]

Garden guardian.

[A]

Okay. He's sitting there. Oh, it's. Oh, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. It's a horror movie. Yeah, it's a horror movie. So his neck turns 360 and his eyes go yellow. It's literally a scary robot.

[C]

It's a zombie owl.

[A]

It's a zombie owl.

[B]

It's motion sensitive, motion triggered.

[A]

So I'm gonna say this before you do. If that robot owl is anywhere near that window, that bird's gone. And I'm gonna tell you why, because that's a living nightmare.

[C]

I'll call the shot, too.

[A]

There's no way this is one of those. We shot the ball, and as it's in the air, Gareth and I are back in the locker room talking about what we're having for dinner, and the ball hasn't even landed.

[C]

Well, it's also one of those ones where, you know, know, the caller takes the ball and runs.

[A]

I mean, not only did you get a owl, you got the scariest owl I've ever seen.

[C]

You were like, I would leave, like. I mean, you really. What you wanted to do was kill the bird, let's be honest. Without contact. I mean, you know, put it through

[A]

hell, but also go on somebody else's window.

[B]

Yeah, right, exactly. So I. Yeah, yeah, I, I. So I tried the. There was an interior windowsill at the base of the window, which is where I put it. I have a. I sent along a. A video of my dog sort of reacting to it, of course.

[A]

Let's see. And that dog is scared.

[B]

The only the only, the only thing that really resulted in is I didn't tell my kids about it ahead of time. So when they came downstairs, there was a lot of screaming because there was this thing in the corner with glowing eyes.

[C]

Okay. Here we're looking at the dog.

[A]

Yeah, man, that's really scary.

[B]

Inside had no effect on the bird?

[A]

No, and I wouldn't think so, but it would have an effect on everybody on the inside of your house because it looks like there's a night nightmare owl in your home.

[C]

The dog having the doggiest reaction of all dogs.

[A]

But I also get why the kids would be scared if I walked down early morning and saw that in the house. That looks real, man.

[C]

Now you know the inside of your patio is covered in kids from being freaked out.

[A]

So, Michael, what happened?

[B]

So, you know, I, I basically took it outside and having inversion to ladders, I found a nice spot near the front door where I put it and that seemed to have done the trick.

[A]

No way. Even low down.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Because you know it's moving. Yes.

[A]

Enough for the bird goes, I don't know.

[C]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

Oh yeah, I see where you did it.

[C]

Okay, so you've basically did it outside

[A]

in like a little potted plant or whatever.

[B]

Yep, yes, yep.

[A]

And the bird just goes, I think that might be a owl, dude.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly.

[A]

I gotta tell you, if I'm in the mind of the bird, which is where I live, I'm going, I don't think it's an owl, but. But I'm gonna go shit on somebody else's. Ain't where if it is, I'm dead.

[C]

Yeah, no, definitely if it is, I'm dead. So just to be clear, Michael, you got the night walker owl and the bird has stopped shitting on your porch. That to me sounds like a classic bell ring.

[A]

This is such a way.

[B]

Absolutely, absolutely.

[A]

Michael, thank you for the great call and the great follow up. Up. You killed it.

[C]

Great.

[A]

And honest to God, for people who listen to this show and say sometimes this is stupid, they're not even helping. Well, I say listen to this episode, you jackass. Yeah, and I don't even care what you do, Gareth, because I don't think anybody has that complaint. Well, I'm just looking to start a fight.

[C]

If they're listening to this, they would have just listened to the follow up.

[A]

So listen to the other episode.

[C]

Yeah, let's. Yeah. And yeah, no, but it's true. You know, people are like, they're just being idiots. Are we? Because I'll tell you what, Michael's porch has never been more shitless.

[A]

Yeah. And, yeah, his kids got really scared. And, yeah, the dog.

[C]

Yeah, there were some growing pains to

[A]

get there, and somebody said that the other neighbor just handled it with a BB gun and didn't call a stupid podcast. But that other neighbor's an.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Why? Why?

[C]

I guess the other neighbor's never heard of content. Okay.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

We're. No, we're not making. No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

I quit.

[A]

I quit. I quit. I quit. We're not doing. Goodbye, Michael. Goodbye, Michael.

[C]

You ruined the show, Michael.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[A]

Thanks, Michael.

[C]

Thank you, buddy.

[B]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

What's up, boys?

[D]

It's Taylor. Wanted to call in and give an update on how it's going with Forky, Spoony, and Knifey. Sent you guys a couple of pictures of me and my fanny pack. And also Forky, Spoony, and Knifey that I drew faces on each. And I'll be honest, for two days, I committed to wearing that fanny pack. I went to a kid's birthday party. I coached basketball, and I brought it to basketball practice, and I did get kind of made fun of and shamed in both environments. And so I kind of fell off these the. The few days after that.

[B]

But I'll.

[D]

I'll tell you the truth, and this is not bullshit. Every time I go and interact with silverware ever since that couple of days of actually having the silverware that had faces on it and then also having to explain to people why I had it, I have this half of second every time I'm scraping something in the trash can of, like, I cannot throw this silverware away. I hold it in my hand with a little more care. So I'm. I'm not sure if it's ring the bell time quite yet just because this is a. You know, I don't. I don't. I'm an animal, but I don't throw silverware away. Every week. It's more of, like, maybe every couple months thing. So I'll probably have to check in, see where my inventory is before we can really say we can ring the bell here. But goal number one was to change the relationship I had with my silverware. And I think we succeeded.

[A]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video, video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[C]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller Theme song by Oliver Raleigh the COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strlecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a Headgum Podcast hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[A]

Sterling K. Brown, and I'm Chris Sullivan, and we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[C]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonn in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[A]

Are we going to cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we going to laugh a lot?

[B]

A whole lot.

[A]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.