296: Fully Soaked & Baltimore Scuba (with Brandon Flynn)

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help"

Episode 296: Fully Soaked & Baltimore Scuba (with Brandon Flynn)
Date: June 8, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Brandon Flynn

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Episode Overview

This lively episode features Jake and Gareth joined by guest Brandon Flynn (of "Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed") as they tackle two callers' very relatable dilemmas: sibling bathroom hygiene warfare and escaping a persistent scuba-diving boss. Blending absurdity, genuine empathy, and quick-witted banter, the hosts and guest offer advice with their trademark mix of earnest effort and offbeat comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up with Brandon Flynn (00:05–06:22)

• Brandon Recaps New Show Launch:

  • "Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed" just launched on Apple. Brandon plays a camboy, leading to playful riffing about the show's premise and his experience with racy scenes.
    • “I'm getting inundated with a bunch of tag photos of me in my underwear. I look good. It's inspired me to get back to the gym.” — Brandon Flynn (01:36)

• On Early Acting Success and 'Luck vs. Skill':

  • Brandon shares his quick break after moving to NYC — landing "13 Reasons Why" just three months post-graduation.
    • “I felt prepared, but it was a lot of luck." — Brandon Flynn (04:19)
  • Jake compares acting careers to poker: “Anybody can get a role, but when you keep stacking… you go like, all right, there’s something to it.” (05:15)

• Praise for Castmates:

  • Warm shout-outs to co-star Tatiana Maslany for her ability to create intimate, authentic moments onscreen.

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2. CALLER #1: Olivia and The Giant Wet Bathmat (13:04–31:37)

Setting the Scene

• Olivia (aka "Livy"/"Big O") from New Jersey calls in with a classic sibling dispute: her twin, Emma, leaves the bathmat sopping wet after every shower.

  “When she gets out of the shower, she is completely soaking wet... The bathmat is fully soaked. Like, you can wring it out and fill up a bucket.” — Olivia (16:41)

Advice Exploration & Humor

• Initial Strategies:

  • Olivia has repeatedly asked Emma to stop, but to no avail.
  • The hosts probe for relational dynamics, discovering Emma is “unique, spiritual, and fun,” while Olivia “gardens and paints.” Both acknowledge their own quirks.

• Comedic Pitches for Revenge or Change:

  • Parmesan on the Mat:
    “What if you actually put Parmesan cheese on the bath mat? So when she stepped out wet, it webbed her toes…” — Jake Johnson (27:06)
  • Cat Hair Solution:
    Olivia, who owns three cats, suggests using their fur:

    “If you step on cat hair, it’s nothing. If you’re wet, it coats in between the toes. And if you’re soaking wet, cat hair…” — Jake Johnson (28:13)

  • Hosts’ Final Recommendation:
    Collect cat hair and sprinkle it over the bathmat so Emma will get grossed out by the sensation when stepping on it wet.

• Execution Plan:

  • Keep a “clean” mat secret for Olivia's own use.
  • Gaslight (in good humor) if Emma confronts her: “Deny it. If she goes, hey, did you put cat hair on the mat? No.” (30:13)

Notable Quotes

• “You are also a war criminal. You two are war criminals of different nations.” — Gareth, about sibling annoyances (25:40)
• “Cat herring the mat... we will all sign off on that. As long as we call it ‘cat mat.’” — Gareth (28:56)

Memorable Moment

• The trio also dares Olivia to secretly film her and her dad watching Brandon’s racy show intro for added hilarity.
• Olivia cheerfully commits: “I’ll give it to him on my iPad.” (16:34)

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3. CALLER #2: Patrick Escaping the Scuba Boss (36:39–59:40)

The Problem

• Patrick from Baltimore:
  His boss, a new scuba enthusiast, keeps asking him to spend weekends on day-long diving trips. Patrick wants out without harming the work relationship.

  “My boss has been repeatedly asking me to scuba dive on the weekends... I don’t want to. I’ve blown him off maybe four times, but he just doesn’t seem to be taking the hint.” — Patrick (37:28)

Building a Solution

• Why Not Scuba?
  Brandon probes deeper: it’s about boundaries, not dislike, and a wariness of mixing work & personal time.

• Excuse Brainstorming:

  • Money/Time Too Tight: Already tried, boss undeterred.
  • Directness: Feared too harsh due to boss’s sensitive nature and past workplace drama.
  • Health Ailment: Hosts propose faking a persistent ear problem affecting pressure and balance — a credible, non-personal restriction for diving.

The Winning Plan

• Ear Issue Strategy:

  • “Maybe we initiate and you start going, my ear is killing me, man... I got this thing caused. I don’t know what happened, but I guess it’s like build up. So I can’t go.” — Jake (55:08)
  • Decide on a two-part lie: (1) Plant the seed about ear trouble, (2) Return after a fake doctor visit with a “no more scuba” diagnosis.

• Extra Tips:

  • Keep the lie simple and avoid overexplaining—“with every great lie, and this is a CIA technique, the less details, the better.” — Jake (52:39)
  • Have a local ear specialist’s name ready if pressed for doctor info.

Notable Quotes

• “Why not? That’s a good one, you know. Interesting.” — Brandon Flynn, channeling therapist energy (40:11)
• “I'm kind of locked up at home these days. I'm what you call whipped.” — Jake Johnson, on the alternate “blame the girlfriend” scapegoat (48:23)
• “If a boss ever said [‘let me look at your ear’]—fired.” — Jake Johnson (54:00)

Memorable Moment

• Roleplay segment: Brandon as an overly intimate boss (“You want me to look at it?”), Patrick as the beleaguered employee (53:01–54:00).
• Hosts suggest Patrick record his “A side” lie for future follow-up hilarity.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “She stands there dripping ass naked. And then when does she put her towel on?” — Jake Johnson on Emma's bathmat offense (19:02)
• “If you step on cat hair, it’s nothing. If you’re wet, it coats in between the toes.” — Jake Johnson (28:13)
• “We just realized Brandon’s never been a boss.” — Jake (54:00)
• “With every great lie… The less details, the better, because if you keep adding stuff, your story is going to fall apart.” — Jake Johnson (52:39)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:05–06:22: Brandon Flynn interview, career, and show discussion
• 13:04–31:37: Olivia’s “Fully Soaked” bathmat dilemma, cat hair solution
• 36:39–59:40: Patrick’s Baltimore Scuba saga, fake ear strategy
• Throughout: High-spirited improv, bits, and belly laughs
• 28:00–29:00: Cat hair/cat mat solution
• 52:00–54:00: Boss-employee “scuba escape” roleplay

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Tone & Style

The episode is irreverent, playful, and welcoming— the hosts oscillate between sincere attempts to help and comedic derailing. Brandon Flynn’s good-natured contributions fit the “supportive bartender/uncle” archetype of the show.

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Takeaway

Jake, Gareth, and Brandon deliver creative—if slightly chaotic—solutions to real-life problems, blending common sense with ridiculousness. Whether you need advice on sibling standoffs or professional boundaries, you’ll find clever ideas, cathartic laughter, and the comforting sense that no life struggle is too small (or silly) to be taken seriously…at least for a few minutes.

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This summary skips sponsor break chatter and repetitive intros/outros, focusing on the heart of the content and its comedic highlights.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[Olivia (Caller)]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For the final trivia question, what is

[Jake Johnson]

the largest mammal in the world?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sir, in the orange. Phone away, please.

[Jake Johnson]

My Keta Smart Smoke alarm sent an

[Gareth Reynolds]

alert through the Ring app. See, the train monitoring agent is calling now.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

The Kidda Smart Smoke alarm sends real

[Gareth Reynolds]

time mobile alerts in the Ring app.

[Jake Johnson]

And with a subscription, emergency help can be requested even when you're not home.

[Olivia (Caller)]

A compatible Ring subscription is required for 24. 7 smoke and carbon monoxide monitoring sold separately.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are back with another one of the stars of Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed, Brandon Flynn. How you doing, bud?

[Brandon Flynn]

Oh, I'm doing good, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Congrats on the show.

[Jake Johnson]

We had just started that, and I said, hold it for the intro. Today is May 21st. When we were recording this, we started the show, dropped May 20th. It's on Apple. Brandon, you're great in the show. What do you feel? How you feeling?

[Brandon Flynn]

Thank you, man. I feel good. I mean, I'm. I'm getting inundated with a bunch of tag photos of me in my underwear. I. I look good. It's inspired me to get back to the gym.

[Jake Johnson]

You falling off?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine.

[Brandon Flynn]

Of course I've fallen off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the difference of our falling off and his falling off.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Garrett Brandon plays a camboy, and he starts the show where he's essentially talking to the audience and getting them off. That's it, by the way, that's an intimidating job. Yeah, that's an intimidating job.

[Brandon Flynn]

I mean, I'm glad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just.

[Brandon Flynn]

I wasn't intimidated by it at first, but it was just fun. I felt. I felt up for the challenge.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. Hey, Gareth, give us a taste of how you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't like where we're headed

[Jake Johnson]

in the audience to watch Maximum Pleasure guaranteed. Now you're gonna see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brandon, thank you for not pushing me there. Oh, God bless you.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but, Gareth, really fast. In 3, 2, 1. You're talking to the audience. Go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's up, everybody? Oh, this is awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

I did give him some notes. I'll tell you what, there's nobody on. This is awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Take your pants off.

[Brandon Flynn]

You know, that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know two people are gonna get off this zoom when I do that.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you, in this case, with Gareth and I, taking our pants off wouldn't work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. That's a. That's a. That's a game changer.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Brandon, where are you from, man? What's your. How did you get into this whole game? We met briefly at the table route. I remember that. And I was like. I was like, oh, this. And then you were doing a play because I remember your schedule was insane.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah, I was like driving their day of driving back. I was doing a play in Williamstown. Jeremy O. Harris's new play. Yeah. I grew up in Miami.

[Jake Johnson]

No way.

[Brandon Flynn]

I know, I know. Everyone thinks I'm a Midwest boy for some reason, but I'm a Miami boy. Like, born and born and raised.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Left.

[Brandon Flynn]

Left for college, went to a conservatory in New Jersey. Ruckers.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, great.

[Brandon Flynn]

Shout out, Mason. Gross. And after I graduated, it was like, hit the ground running. Catering, auditioning, and, you know, three. Three months in, I booked this show called 13 Reasons why. And that was the last. Really, like. And you said that was the launch

[Jake Johnson]

three weeks into your grade months.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's still very tough to hear.

[Jake Johnson]

Who cares? Don't say those three months.

[Brandon Flynn]

It's tough to hear that's three months. It was, you know, a lot of as. As I'm sure a lot of us can attest, you know, I've. I felt prepared, but I. It was a lot of luck.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's a, you know, Scott, the show of Walking Dead, and we have had a multi year at this point over a decade debate of how much luck and how much skill is it. I do think there's some luck involved, but I don't think it's a game based on luck. I think it's very similar to cards where people go like, well, poker is lucky. It's like, yeah, if you're dog shit. But there are the same people who win the majority of tournaments. But every once in a while, an amateur can win a tournament, but they're not going to win a thousand.

[Brandon Flynn]

That's a. That's a really good way of. Of comparing.

[Jake Johnson]

Anybody can get a role.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But when you. When you keep stacking, it's true. You go like, all right, there's something to it. And you're stacking them, man, you're great in this show. Thank you. I feel, I think what your job was. I had an easy job in this show and. Well, an easy job compared to your job and Tatiana's job. Tatiana had. Tatiana kills it. I mean, such a good actor.

[Brandon Flynn]

She's a remarkable actor. She's just really is one of those actors where the minute she does something, you're like, oh, no one else could have done this.

[Jake Johnson]

That I agree.

[Brandon Flynn]

She, like, really does, like, private moments very, very well. Which is totally, I think, so hard, you know, like, it's so hard to like, on a TV show especially, like, develop all that behavior and just totally. Right, Keep it, keep it going. She's. Yeah, it's good. We love her. And dude, you are great in the show. Like, you do fun and scary as well, you know, like, oh, now we're talking. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Knows that. He's like, I'm scared of him right now. Natalie's scared. Natalie's like, I'm scared to wrap it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's here. Yeah. All right, we gotta go. We're all scared of Natalie. Hey, everybody. We just want to remind you, if you want to watch new episodes of we're here to help. It drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two. So get involved.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Function Health. Gareth and I both have done Function Health. Gareth, what is your biological age on Function Health?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sir, it's like seven years lower. Well, what's yours?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm 39.2, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that must feel good. Now, what was there anything you found on there where you were like high cholesterol? Cholesterol, same.

[Jake Johnson]

So I got to talk to Function Health first. Like. And Dan Gore, the creator of Brooklyn 99. He was the office writer. He's been everywhere. The new show I'm doing on NBC called Sunset PI and I gotta tell you, Function Health, he talks a lot of trash about my biological age and doesn't buy it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's doubting you.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan Gore is not a believer. Function Health. So let's. I'm going to pitch this. Can we get Dan Gore a Function Health code and have him on one of these ads? He's going to do our show, but Function Health, I would love to surprise him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we've got to do a reveal. We've got to do a more. You are not the father with the Function Health age reveal.

[Jake Johnson]

And if he happens to be older than.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Bravo.

[Jake Johnson]

Function Health. Function Health is. I think it's great. It's. I use function. You get 160 plus lab tests. It tells you all your metrics on everything. It tells you all the different things that gives you an action plan for your nutrition, your supplemental health. So if you're somebody like me and you don't trust doctors and you don't trust hospitals, and you were a 90s conspiracy theorist and now you're just wild twists. It lets you control your health a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. You really want to know what it's. I mean, it sounds so obvious, but to know what your. What your body is going through, what your body needs, what your body has problems with and your testosterone. When you get to be Jake's age, that starts to become difficult. Even though he's yours.

[Jake Johnson]

Must be through the roof at 19.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's nuts, buddy. I'm doing the bar in the gym, so no weights, just bar, just bar. Baby and I need a spotter. That's why we use function. It's like Jake said, It's 160 plus lab tests. You could really see what's going on. So check your health the way that Jake and I do function. And Dan Gors soon function provides 160 plus lab tests for $1 a day and member pricing on MRI and CT scans. [e-mail] here to help or use gift code here to help. 25 for a 25 credit towards your membership.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking.com. buddy.com is great. It's easy to use. You just have where you're staying. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just. I, I can't help but imagine that if you, you just had a. Eve going on a cross country trip with a man named Rick And I used

[Jake Johnson]

booking.com to book Rick and Eve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean that is just.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what my brother and I have started calling as of this mother. Chopper 5 called me this morning and we talked for 45 minutes and I was cry laughing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Honestly, it was the hardest I've laughed, I think in over 12 months. He was on such fire this morning. We are he, we're referring to eve now. Is Ms. Evie good? And he was doing a voice of what Ms. Evie likes and what Ms. Evie doesn't like. Gareth. It was good. And I'll tell you, Ms. Evie doesn't like Rick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, Ms. Evie, she don't like Rick. Is she still holding a grudge to Rick who drove her across the country? It's still coming up.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, kind. It comes out. The new grudge is me. Ms. Evie's not happy with Jake. I'm the new Rick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm too controlling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Well, it's nice to be controlling. Like when you use booking.com. it's important. Listen, you got, you got kids you're traveling with, you got your gra. Your parents you're traveling with. Whatever you're doing, let's say you want a big kitchen. Let's say your friend with a lisp talk to big game. Even though his S's sounded like ths and he says that he could cook you a great meal. So you're getting a booking.com so that you can have a competition to prove that he doesn't know what he's talking about and he's just out of his mind. All things you could do if you want to. If you want a vacation home, you want a hotel, you want a rental, whatever you want, you can get [e-mail].

[Jake Johnson]

find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com booking.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Book today on the site or in the app. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Steve Bergs. Omaha Steve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Patrick (Caller)]

That guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

I, I do Omaha Steaks. I get the chicken. I've done all the red meats too. I've liked them, but I've kind of leaned into chicken. These days. I'm slowing down on my red meat intake so I now get a big thing of chicken. I do meal prepping with the chicken and it is truly delicious. So look, if you want something that you can trust, something that comes right to your house, Omaha Steaks is a great brand. It is something that we have tried and we like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right, Omaha Steaks. You're gonna be saying, oh, Maha, do I like these Omaha Steaks here to help. Jake Johnson. Gareth Reynolds. Galvia Cannon. Living in a closet. Hello.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, please?

[Olivia (Caller)]

My name is Olivia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Olivia. Where are you calling from, Olivia?

[Olivia (Caller)]

Calling from New Jersey.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait this is our first. Olivia is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but you would know that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And I've got a daughter named Olivia. Olivia. You go by any nicknames?

[Olivia (Caller)]

A couple.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Live or Olive.

[Brandon Flynn]

Olive's Cool's a good one. Yeah.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Livy. My family calls me Livy.

[Jake Johnson]

Livy or Olive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll call you Livy. I'll call you Livy. Livy, listen, you got a great setup today. You got Jake, you got myself. But you also have a guest helper. You heard him just there from the show. Maximum Pleasure guaranteed. Right now streaming on Apple, we have Brandon Flynn joining us, so.

[Olivia (Caller)]

No way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No way. Yeah. Yes way.

[Brandon Flynn]

Hey, I'm gonna call you the Big O, if that's okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good.

[Jake Johnson]

That's going to remind you.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Definitely. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That's going to remind you of the beginning of Maximum Pleasure. Guaranteed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. That's all I will say.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Big O. Have you watched Maximum? It's. It released yesterday, so not mad if you haven't, but have you watched it yet on Apple?

[Olivia (Caller)]

I haven't, but it's on my list. Me and my dad are planning on watching it.

[Jake Johnson]

You're going to watch it with your dad?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's great. Brandon wants you to watch it with your dad.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Brandon, why don't you tell Olivia what she and her dad are going to watch? In the opening scene, I play an

[Brandon Flynn]

innocent, innocent boy who is forced to take off all of his clothes for Tatiana Maslany. And. Yep, you know, think, think Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't we do this? Livy, if you're planning on still sticking to your plan of watching with your dad, do us a favor. Set the phone up right next to tv. Don't need to tell dad.

[Jake Johnson]

And let's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's just get a video of you and dad watching the scene where. Where Brandon's forcibly taking his clothes off for.

[Jake Johnson]

So funny. Olivia, will you the tab? Olivia, I have a quick idea. Olivia, what's your dad's name?

[Olivia (Caller)]

Robert.

[Jake Johnson]

Robert Brandon, will you really fast. Say it. What's his last name? And we'll beep the last name.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Will.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you? And we'll send Olivia just the clip of this. And you could play from after. And on your phone, will you say something like, hey, Robert, you like that, baby? Or whatever you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me know if you want a one on one.

[Jake Johnson]

And then, Olivia, don't tell him any of this is what I want to do. Whatever you want to say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Want a private one, Bobby?

[Jake Johnson]

Let's just see. Let's blow this guy's mind.

[Patrick (Caller)]

I Cook this up just for you. All right?

[Jake Johnson]

All right. On three, two. Whenever you're ready.

[Brandon Flynn]

Hey, Robert, I see you playing with that mouse. Why don't you click the tip button and really get this party started?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't believe we haven't even gotten to the problem yet. We've already solved the problem. I feel like that was sweating bullets.

[Jake Johnson]

We all are beginning, Olivia.

[Patrick (Caller)]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A promo for the show, too?

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie, will you please get that to her ASAP so she could watch that with her dad? And then, Olivia, will you send in. I don't know how you're going to do it with recording it and the phone, but you have business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Send it to your dad and have him watch in front of you. And you record Pay the Tab. Pay the tab, Livy.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Fantastic.

[Jake Johnson]

Pay the tab, Olivia.

[Olivia (Caller)]

I'll give it to him on my iPad.

[Jake Johnson]

Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Olivia, what's going on? What can we do for you?

[Olivia (Caller)]

Okay, so my twin sister and I share a bathroom when we both live at home between college semesters. And when she gets out of the shower, she is completely soaking wet. She doesn't dry off in the shower. And then she drenches the thing, like, I'm talking, so completely soaked through that when I step in it, sometimes it'll splash out a little bit of water onto my ankles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're saying the bath.

[Olivia (Caller)]

You can ring the thing out fully.

[Jake Johnson]

So bath mat.

[Olivia (Caller)]

It's fully soaked. Like, you can wring it out and fill up a bucket.

[Jake Johnson]

That's insane, Olivia, but I get it. What's your. What's your sister's name?

[Olivia (Caller)]

Her name's Emma.

[Jake Johnson]

Emma. This is crazy. Are you guys fraternal or identical?

[Olivia (Caller)]

We're fraternal.

[Jake Johnson]

I got paternal twins named Elizabeth and Olivia. Maybe I'm Robert, and that video Brandon made was for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm touching my little mouse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why? I don't know. Why you.

[Jake Johnson]

Because he said, click the mouse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but he didn't say little. He said little.

[Jake Johnson]

But let me get back to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's quite an admission.

[Jake Johnson]

What am I gonna say, My big mouse? It's called a rat.

[Brandon Flynn]

Hey, he's a grower.

[Jake Johnson]

He's a grower.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never call it a rat again. Do you understand me?

[Patrick (Caller)]

I'm uncomfortable.

[Olivia (Caller)]

If you're my father, I'm uncomfortable.

[Jake Johnson]

Olivia. Nobody feels. Olivia, take over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So have you talked to her about this? Have you said something? Does she give a. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

[Olivia (Caller)]

For years I've said, hey, like, that bath map's kind of crazy, huh? Like, can you pick that Up. And then she's like, yeah, of course. And she'll go and do it in the moment, but then she'll just do it again, like the next time she showers. Or sometimes she won't even pick it up. She'll say, yeah, I'll go do that. And then it's still there.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's brutal.

[Olivia (Caller)]

And I'm not picking up this wet bath mat with my bare hands anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like a wet rat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, and the smell. Stop saying wet rat. Don't think I didn't hear that.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think there would be a smell. Because you just got out of the shower.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but over days, that's, that's going to start moldy.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah. Should be washed like every day.

[Olivia (Caller)]

I'll end up picking it up.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you and Emma are living at home. You guys share a bathroom. I'm going to assume it's a little Jack and Jill just to make it cuter. You guys, you get out of the shower and like a regular woman, you towel off and dry off. She doesn't. She stands there dripping ass naked. And then when does she put her towel on?

[Olivia (Caller)]

I mean, I'm not usually in the room, so I don't know. I, I guess after she's shaken off like a golden retriever after a rainstorm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She might be air drying.

[Jake Johnson]

She might be air drying. And a little up to this point, what have you tried? And then what is the specific question we can help you with?

[Olivia (Caller)]

Okay, I have, all I've tried is just like asking her to pick up the bath mat and like, hey, don't do that. That's nasty. It doesn't work. So my question is, how do I get her to stop leaving the disgusting wet bass mat on the floor for days at a time?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And then, Brianna, let's go to you for a second. What's your process now that we've set up? You're the sex symbol of the show. Sorry. And sorry, Steve Berg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's who's really gonna get dirt.

[Jake Johnson]

What's your post shower routine? When do you dry off My.

[Brandon Flynn]

I, I actually, I have the towel hanging right, right next to the shower, so I usually just grab it while I'm still in the shower. I've turned the shower off. Yes, I grabbed the tow. Yeah, I, I, you're doing it while

[Jake Johnson]

standing on the shower floor.

[Brandon Flynn]

Shower floor, yeah.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Brandon Flynn]

And once I, once I get the legs, then I step over the, the bath ledge and I, Yeah, I mean,

[Jake Johnson]

are you the same?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, basically because we're all trying to avoid this problem because you want to preserve the bath mat for as long. I mean, it's there and you want to utilize it. But the idea is that it is a secondary port of call. First is the dry off, then it's there to pick up the residge.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me ask a question, Olivia, when you've brought this up, because this. I'm the same. Yeah, There's a threshold you don't step over. And I think probably 95% there is going to be commenters being like, no,

[Gareth Reynolds]

it's healthy to let it all soak in.

[Jake Johnson]

I get soaking wet and I walk

[Gareth Reynolds]

down the streets of 7 11. Don't get shower floor wet. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Say that's why there's a Batman, you idiot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best that was invented for so you don't have to do that. Your towel stinks. Your towel towels things quicker. We're gonna get a bunch of the towel stick people.

[Jake Johnson]

It's called a floor doll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would you rather the bath mat smell or the towel that you're drying yourself with?

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly what it'll be, idiots. And then I'll go, all right, all right. I hear you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, by the way, we love the engagement. Thanks, everybody.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Olivia, when you've brought this up, is her argument or the look on her face, Is she kind of like you on punk rock or is she like, you're weird?

[Olivia (Caller)]

She definitely doesn't think I'm weird. It's more of like a. I don't. I don't fucking feel like doing this, so I'm not gonna do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, so she's a little punk rock. Maybe I'm wrong.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Punk rock as much as lazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. How would you describe your sister? And then as twins, you guys were in a womb together, eating off the same juices, so.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What are. What's the vibe? How would you describe yourself in a few words. And how would you describe her in a few words?

[Olivia (Caller)]

I would describe her as, like, she's, like, unique. She's fun. She's, like, weird, but in a way that is charming.

[Patrick (Caller)]

For sure.

[Olivia (Caller)]

She's a very, like, spiritual person. Like crystal tarot cards. Like, she's cool, but. Yeah, The big O, as they call me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As Bob's gonna call Brandon.

[Brandon Flynn]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

Who else is there? Bob's gonna call Brandon.

[Olivia (Caller)]

I mean, I'm pretty, like. We're pretty similar. I would just say my interests lied more towards, like, I garden and I paint.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, guys got a cool.

[Olivia (Caller)]

She says. She says I'm a weirder version of her. I say she's a weirder version of me. That's the vibe.

[Jake Johnson]

I like this sister Dom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I gotta.

[Olivia (Caller)]

It's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gotta. That.

[Jake Johnson]

That helped me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That helped specifics there, helped kind of round out this dynamic and relationship. And maybe there's some. Look, you've tried the conversation, so that doesn't work. We can either go with a lean in, we can go in with overblowing the issue, or we could go maybe a silly route.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Brandon, I'm gonna go to you for a second here. We have a hard one here. We have no ideas. What's your first thought of a pitch of how do we fix this problem?

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah, I mean, what's good is there seems to be a lot of love here. You know, there seems to be like a lot of understanding of each other. So that's a good jumping off point, you know, not so much animosity.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true.

[Brandon Flynn]

I'm wondering if she's ever had a request from you that feels sort of similar in this. In this vein and if there's. If there's a. A meeting of minds to be had here. Like, I'll sacrifice doing that.

[Jake Johnson]

If. This is actually really interesting. Do you do anything? Because you are twins and the way you described her and you is very similar. What's the weird thing that you do? Big O that drives Emma crazy?

[Olivia (Caller)]

Well, okay, so she has misophonia, which means that, like, certain noises, like, make her tweak out. So usually it's like, please don't breathe so loud.

[Jake Johnson]

That sounds like a hurt.

[Olivia (Caller)]

So, like I'm. I'm a tidy person, you know, like I'm clean. Like, I don't really leave anything in the bathroom. One time she did accuse me of causing dust to land on, like, the counter around the sink. She said it's really dusty.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a her thing

[Gareth Reynolds]

accusation.

[Jake Johnson]

You're just pitching her.

[Olivia (Caller)]

I know. I was very surprised. I said, I don't even know how I would do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Olivia, what do you do that's weird?

[Olivia (Caller)]

Me as a person in general

[Jake Johnson]

with the same thing. It said my twin sister's a nut. She does blank. And it drives me crazy. It's not going to be breathes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And don't say likes a dry bath mat.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Sometimes if I wash my face with a washcloth, like, I'll leave the washcloth hanging on the faucet, like, dry what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

First of all, congratulations on opening up and that's horrible. What you're doing is horrible. You are also a war criminal. You two are war criminals of different nations.

[Brandon Flynn]

What I really love is you both practice hygiene. Though it sounds like it's a daily practice of hygiene, which is nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. And does she. She is annoyed by what you're doing?

[Olivia (Caller)]

No, she's never brought it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, maybe I just.

[Olivia (Caller)]

I know in my mind that it's annoying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe the move to Brandon's pitch is. Maybe if you wanted. If we want to try to meet in the middle, maybe you need to step up your sloppy bathroom etiquette. So there is something that makes her upset that's interesting. So, like, if you fingerprinted the mirror a lot, or if she does have the misophonia thing or whatever it's called, you could start squeegeeing the bathroom floor after she exits because it's so sloppy. Making a loud squeegee sound. Sound that would drive her to the brink.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, also with.

[Olivia (Caller)]

I worry she wouldn't hear it.

[Jake Johnson]

But also, Olivia with the dust thing, she seems to be a little bit clean. Freaky at times. Let's make that bath mat disgusting. Put ketchup on. AKA Parmesan. The mat.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Parmesan on the floor or we're going to catch up. The mat.

[Jake Johnson]

What if you actually put Parmesan cheese on the bath mat? So when she stepped out wet, it webbed her toes and she goes like, what the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There will be an odor.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you know not to step on it. And then guess what? She's gotta come out dry. Because if. What if we create. What if we get something that gets activated when wet?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Parmesan. It is all. All in one.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, what is the girl. That's fine. Dry, but wet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I hate to keep coming back to Parmesan, but it's very effective from what you're talking about. Yeah, it's their brand.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, Parmesan flour is interesting flour. I'm writing it down, but nutritionally, yeast. Think about something that if you step on it, dry, no effect. If you step.

[Olivia (Caller)]

I have three cats.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Cat hair.

[Brandon Flynn]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Cat hair is.

[Brandon Flynn]

That's a good one.

[Jake Johnson]

Cat hair is pretty good.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Three of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

Cat hair is. If you step on cat hair, it's nothing. If you're wet, it coats in between the toes. And if you're soaking wet, Cat hair.

[Olivia (Caller)]

The mat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I like cat herring. The mat a lot. You can tell by Brandon's face that we're all feeling a little nauseated by the concept. And then maybe when she starts saying she's noticed, say, yeah, They. I guess they kind of. I've seen them laying on it. I think they like it because it's kind of like it's wet. It's a little damp, and they like it.

[Jake Johnson]

Totally.

[Olivia (Caller)]

And it's especially because it's heating up here in Jersey right now. It was 94 yesterday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yes.

[Olivia (Caller)]

This is good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We will all sign off on cat hairing the mat. As long we call it cat mat.

[Jake Johnson]

Now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you good with this one big O.

[Jake Johnson]

This is.

[Olivia (Caller)]

This is fantastic.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're gonna go get one of those brushes that you might already have that really collects the cat hair.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. That's what you're gonna do. And you're just gonna brush the shit out of the cats, and then you're just gonna LeBron James at all over that mat and you're. And might I suggest, if you need it, have a seat. Have a secondary mat stashed for your showers.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Oh, see, I do that one, she finds it, and she gets it wet, too, so.

[Patrick (Caller)]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not gonna overturn that rock. I think we're in a good.

[Patrick (Caller)]

We're gonna get out.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna. She's in a Corsica. We're gonna let her leave the lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Get out of here.

[Jake Johnson]

This is great. And then. So, Olivia, you owe us. You got to pay the toll. As you know, we don't charge for this advice, but the toll is going to be film you and your dad watching that opening scene. Film your dad watching the Brandon thing. Do not tell anybody in your family. So it's a big surprise. So he trips out.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

And then let's get some photos of the cat hair mat, please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's. Let's see the hair in your hand before, and let's see the mat after.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Olivia, do not laugh. And this isn't a funny thing. You have to deny it. If she goes, hey, did you put cat hair on the mat? No.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Oh, I'll deny it. I can do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Because what's going to have to happen is when she goes in the shower, you have to sneak and do it. She can't see it until she steps on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you can do it before the shower.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Yeah, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to do it before the shower because

[Jake Johnson]

you can't get in there. Okay.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Yeah, I'll spin it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'll work, though. She. When she steps on it soaking footed, I mean, she's gonna look like a chimp.

[Olivia (Caller)]

I do have a question.

[Jake Johnson]

What's up?

[Olivia (Caller)]

Is My dad watching the video from Brandon before or after we watch?

[Jake Johnson]

What kind of question is that?

[Brandon Flynn]

After. He probably doesn't question.

[Jake Johnson]

Possible.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

It doesn't mean anything. He'll go, I'm holding the house. No, no, no. This is. This is after the scene. And you go pause it and go, is this appropriate for us to watch together? And he goes, like, just watch the show and go. All right. Will you check this out really fast?

[Olivia (Caller)]

All right, all right, the instructions are clear now. I'm ready.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Olivia, follow up with us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got a lot to do, kid.

[Patrick (Caller)]

I will.

[Olivia (Caller)]

Thank you, guys. This is good.

[Brandon Flynn]

All right. Can't wait. Can't wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can't wait.

[Brandon Flynn]

Can't wait.

[Olivia (Caller)]

All right, that's enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Olivia, hang up. Enough. Get out of here.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. You guys know what Rocket Money is?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I mean, everybody knows at this point, but I think at this point, we should just tell them how much it works. I mean, Rocket Money is going to go through all your apps and it's going to tell you how much you're spending, which ones you don't need anymore. It really just makes you reevaluate what you've been doing on your phone, which we all need.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I realized something from Rocket Money that I'm embarrassed by, and that is years ago, when I got a new TV they had. I was trying to get my kids into video games. I think they must have been five years old. I was like, 19.99amonth, unlimited games. I screwed up my password, forgot it. Rocket Money canceled it. Gareth. I was playing 19amonth for Anios.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got one that was. I stayed in an Airbnb and I tried to get something, and I ended up, like, signing up for Fandango or something like that under this. This woman's account. And then Rocket Money was like, do you still need your Michelle Fandango account? I was like, what, the actual what? No. I had a hurricane app, a Packers radio station. I mean, we're talking stuff that, like, in the 80s, you would have. But Rocket Money really attracts your subscriptions. It lets you know what you need to get rid of what you maybe still need. It's saving users $880 million in canceled subscriptions.

[Jake Johnson]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Help. That's RocketMoney.com Help RocketMoney.com Help this episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Wayfair. I bought a robot vacuum on that cleans itself. It's a self cleaning robot vacuum and I love it. The thing goes around, vacuums the floor, then takes itself home to its little portal. I'm a fan of it. Wayfair's got everything you want. It's got outdoor seating, grills, it's got outdoor furniture. Over 20 million 5 stars reviews.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I really can't recommend it enough. You go on there and you get overwhelmed. The problem with Wayfair is they don't sell bigger houses because you just want to buy all the things easy to put together. It is always a seamless experience. You get the outdoor furniture, it's right there ready to go. There's not much to put together as soon as you get it. So look, you can also shop with Wayfair Verified, your shortcut to the good stuff. Their team of product specialists vets everything by using a 10 point inspection. That's testing things like quality materials, functionality and features and even how long it takes to build.

[Jake Johnson]

So look, patio season is here and these deals won't last. Head to Wayfair.com right now to get your outdoor space ready for less. That's wayfair. W A Y-F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking.com booking.com helps you get it ridiculously right so you can find exactly what you're booking. For G man, you're on the road constantly. The hotel you're in, did the show book it or did you book it using booking?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what I've been doing, Jake, is I have to switch hotels so often that I've started asking the clubs if they'll just give me a buyout. And then I'll find a hotel that's in between the places I'll go to booking.com I'll find a place that is kind of equidistant and I get a couple nights in the same hotel. They couldn't make it easier.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I've got a question for the audience here. June 19, is that the date for the I believe so live show in Omaha? We got people in the Midwest who are nearby who go, I want to take a little trip and see something. But where would I stay? Well, go to booking.com because it makes it easy to find a hotel or a holiday home. That's just, that's not just Generically right or right for somebody, but ridiculously right for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, also Omaha, a fantastic city surrounded by fantastic. I don't know why you said thank you, Steve, but you just live there. But there's. You could get vacation rentals. You could turn it into a few days. I mean, who knows, Steve, if people

[Jake Johnson]

come to Omaha for this little trip and they book on booking.com and they turn it into a three day thing, what are a few things they should do besides see you guys live?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, obviously we have the best zoo in the country.

[Jake Johnson]

In the world.

[Patrick (Caller)]

I think.

[Jake Johnson]

Baby, find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com booking. Yeah. Book today on this site or in the app.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello?

[Patrick (Caller)]

Hey, what's going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you?

[Patrick (Caller)]

Good, good. What's going on, guys?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you're doing the show. Hey, listen, you got Jake, you got myself. And listen, we got a great guest. We got a killer here. We're one for one so far we have Brandon Flynn joining us from the Apple show that's now streaming. Maximum pleasure guaranteed. So let's get your name, sir, what's your name?

[Patrick (Caller)]

We'll do Patrick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We sure will. Patrick, where are you maybe calling from? If not that it matters at this point, Baltimore. Baltimore. All right, Patrick, if that's. How old are you, Patrick? 38.

[Patrick (Caller)]

I'm 30. 30 years old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

30. Okay, great. All right, Patrick, what's going on, buddy?

[Patrick (Caller)]

So I need you guys. My boss has been repeatedly asking me to scuba dive on the weekends. He, you know, said he was maybe going to take a class. About a year ago, I made the mistake of letting him know, oh, I used to dive. That sounds great. It's a great sport. You'll have a lot of fun. Just to make conversation. And then over the past year he's gotten very, very into scuba diving to the point where now he's asking me just about every other week go scuba diving with him, you know, on day long trips. He's mentioned maybe even making it a monthly thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus Christ.

[Patrick (Caller)]

When I have blown off, I'm blowing him off maybe four times. At this point, my case lapsed and I've, I've given him some different excuses, but he just doesn't seem to be taking the hint.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What, what excuses have you given him?

[Patrick (Caller)]

Like you the go to. The go to. The problem is he kind of quarters me in like a vague oh, like would you be interested in getting back into it? And I said like, yeah, maybe at some point. And he took that to mean like right now. And then he, you know, he's he's like, oh, well, you know, getting recertified is. Is no big thing now that you've gotten the official thing. So, you know, I've. I've referenced, like, oh, I'm just really booked right now. Kind of expensive. Money's tight. I, you know, I just bought a house with my girlfriend, and, you know, he keeps hitting me with. With different stuff. I also told him, like, you know, it's just a tough drive. Like, you know, I want to get comfortable with the sport. If I ever. Am ever going to get back into it, I'm going to want to do it consistently if I do. And none of it's quite working. Well, I guess my. Yeah, you know, my. My biggest thing is how do I. How do I get out of scuba diving with him and how do I get him to stop asking?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well understood.

[Jake Johnson]

Well done, Patrick. That's pretty clean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is clean. The tough dynamic. Want to keep the boss happy. Also, don't want to spend one of your days off going to see the beautiful Baltimore ocean. Yeah. I mean, what's. Where's our head, Zach? I think. I really think we might just need to go. I think it's a big lie. That's what I think we got to go with. I think we can come up with something. Brandon, what about.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah, I've got a couple questions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Brandon Flynn]

I mean, one is like, you know, why not? It's a good one, you know, interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

I would have never asked that.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Why not? Why do I not want to go with my boss?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Correct.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah, good.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Good question. Valid question. Couple things. We. We don't have a. Like, we have a fine working relationship, but we. We do spend, like, it's. We kind of have a small team. We spend enough time together, and I don't want to. I don't particularly enjoy long periods of time with him in the office, much less in my free time. He also was, like, very close with someone in the office that worked under him, too, and they had a falling out, and their work relationship has gotten way worse. There's kind of multiple.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I mean, I can cut to the. The chase a little bit also. You don't want to scuba dive with your boss on a Saturday. I don't want to scoop it up with anybody if.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

I could hear myself saying, somebody goes, you, like, interested in scuba diving? In the right mood, I go, yeah, sure. Then they go, how about Saturday? I go, no can do it. Then they go, how about next Saturday? I go, no can do. By the third ask. Quit asking me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, it's true.

[Jake Johnson]

Making it clean. I don't want to scuba dive with you. And that doesn't mean I don't like you. It's not. I just don't want to do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he's pushing you in a corner, you know, and you've done the nice version.

[Jake Johnson]

Wild animals. We got to react.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you've done the. You've tried the nice version. You've tried the honest version. I mean, this. At this point, we're going to get

[Jake Johnson]

you out of this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, definitely.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah.

[Patrick (Caller)]

I thought about, like a very direct approach.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, but let's talk to people that met him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you don't.

[Patrick (Caller)]

He's too sensitive.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah. You know, if he has falling outs with. With you're not looking at.

[Jake Johnson]

He. He's a little bit emotional. We got to keep the job. Number one priority is work stays work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But we can get you out of scuba diving for all right, Patrick, how do you feel about a nice clean old lie? That's where I feel like we're leaning early. But before we put you in this car and see if you like the way it feels, let's see if this is a kind of zone you want to drive off the lot in.

[Patrick (Caller)]

I'm willing.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Is that. Where is your heart kind of leaning towards lie. Where's your heart kind of leaning.

[Patrick (Caller)]

I. As long as I think. As long as it's believable. Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, we can make it believable.

[Brandon Flynn]

Are you.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you.

[Brandon Flynn]

You a good liar?

[Jake Johnson]

He told us his name was Patrick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's true.

[Brandon Flynn]

That's true. That's definitely not his name.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Accurate.

[Jake Johnson]

He's also not from Baltimore and he's not 30.

[Gareth Reynolds]

30.

[Brandon Flynn]

I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He also doesn't have a boss. Yeah. He just want to be honestly. Scuba diving in Baltimore. Whoa, nice tire.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Well, that's the thing too. Is he. He like he wants to do. He's talked about, like day trips up to a quarry in Pennsylvania where it's like 30 degrees and he's like, oh, you know, it's. It's too long to drive back in the day. But don't worry, we can stay with

[Jake Johnson]

my buddy and this is a nightmare. I mean, my boss is a grown

[Patrick (Caller)]

ass man with kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hell.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Different phase of life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hell.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, let me ask you. Let me ask you a question, Patrick. Are you a married man? Are you recently married? Do you have children? Where are you at? Because we could use this. And you want believable. I mean, there's stupid lies we can do about your lung explodes underwater. But let's Go realistic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What's home life looking like these days?

[Patrick (Caller)]

So I recently moved in with my girlfriend.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. This is perfect.

[Patrick (Caller)]

We have no kids, not married. We're looking at getting a puppy. I told him. I told him that was going to be a thing. I told him I've been saving for a ring for her.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Patrick (Caller)]

No dice.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that's fine. I wasn't aware this is going to work.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Before we. Before pitches, I want to warn you, like, we have a sort of a physical. You know, we're in sort of security. So, like, we have a physical job where if it's like a. A tough, like, physical disability, that would run into, like, sort of the job. So that would be an issue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, that's good to have off the list, because I was definitely thinking lung capacity.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no, no, no. I got such a clean one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a clean one, too, Brandon.

[Brandon Flynn]

I think I do, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to start us off, Brandon?

[Brandon Flynn]

Okay. I mean, it may not work with the job, but I think it. I think it might work with scuba diving. I'm not an expert, so I actually don't know. But I was actually just talking to a friend last night who went on a flight, and the flight was damaged his ear, like, he got. He had, like, so much congestion in his ear that he couldn't fly. So I'm assuming that would also. That would take. That would take care of, and that offers about a year of recovery. Like, you have to wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that can be a lifetime. Get out of it.

[Jake Johnson]

That could be. Something happened. You've been going. You've been getting these headaches. It doesn't affect the job at all. But they said there's something with flying and water now kind of out because it creates this ringing. So I got to figure out what I'm gonn. And he goes, oh, that's tragic. I gotta push it with flying because I gotta fly. But I'm done going more than 10ft underwater. Jack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Patrick, thoughts on that? That feels pretty good.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, I mean, that's. That's pretty clean. And we actually. He knows I've got some trips coming up and flying, and, you know, there's some. We're going to some beaches and stuff, so there's essential for like, a good.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Patrick, you talk about how sad you are in those beaches. You don't get the scuba.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, me. You and me are scuba brothers, dude. Can you imagine us?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake wants it all, but that's so easy.

[Jake Johnson]

He goes like this. Oh, and then you go, do Me and then you guys. You got to do me a favor here, man, because this is killing me. I can't hear about your scuba adventures. And she goes like this. I get it. You go. Just because it's killing me, you know? I want nothing more than a scuba

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake wants it all. The beach.

[Jake Johnson]

Lament looking at a dead body in Baltimore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God damn, I wish I could just get out there with you, man. Love that ocean. Love to spend a day with you. Sleep at that weird friend of your house.

[Jake Johnson]

See some guy named Gino who got thrown in the water in the late 70s.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eat some.

[Jake Johnson]

Just cooking in there with too much jewelry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whose necklace is dangling in the lobster stew.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, just dreaming. Just dreaming to see these fish going through. But I don't get to do it anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I listen. I like all modulations of this. I think the ear is good. I was going to go with some sort of yip story, but it's an easier physical ailment.

[Jake Johnson]

I got. I got a different one, too. Let's hear yips. Because I got my.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, yips would be. Yips would be. You're going to have to do this sort of Quade from Jaws, where you're just going to have to eventually just, you know, just be like, look, there's something I didn't tell you. 20 years ago, when I was out of that ocean, I stared eye to eye with a shark. And that shark looked deep inside my soul. And I told it on that day, if it let me go, I'd never go back into its habitat again. And I shook the fin that day and I decided to hold true to it. And as much as I'd love to spend the day with you and your weird friend who probably has too much jewelry while he's cooking a spiceless soup in the kitchen, and I could sleep on a couch and hurt my back, I can't do it. Because that day I shook the fin with a shark. And I made a lifetime contract.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, there's. There's that version, which I also think it would work. I think ear might be stronger, but I do think that you saw something. But I don't think that works with security. Let me give you a third option. And I do think this is clean, and I do think this could work. And you just have to break it down with them. And you go, hey, man, I gotta talk to you on the. On the level. And now that I'm living with my wife or girlfriend, we had a serious talk, and she doesn't want me scoobing anymore, and she's embarrassed by it.

[Patrick (Caller)]

She.

[Jake Johnson]

We had a big thing where she wasn't sure she wants me to do security, but I told her I love my job, but she's like, if we're gonna get married and have a puppy and maybe have kids and we're gonna do this thing, and I, you know, you know me, man. I'm saving up for a ring. So I'm doing the thing. She said, I. I can't open up my heart to you if you're gonna scoop in the most dangerous waters of all time. And that's the Baltimore waters. It's so murky, you could go head first into a rod. He just, he just scuba in through murky waters, brother. But the idea that girlfriend has asked you not to do this dangerous stuff anymore, considering your job and you don't know what to do, but you're on break, so you're not gonna be available for anything. And go. So, my man, don't ask me to skydive, don't ask me to scuba. I'm kind of locked up at home these days. I'm what you call whipped friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good, too. Why don't, why don't you pick a lane for us, Patrick? And we can kind of pick in that direction. So you've got physical, which is the ear. You've got yips, which is some sort of deep sea anecdote, or you've got scapegoat. You just say your girlfriend is just. She don't want you doing it. What are you feeling?

[Patrick (Caller)]

I think, I think the ailment, like some sort of like, I think an ear infection is good because, like, you can. You can have one of those without it affecting your hearing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Patrick (Caller)]

But also mess with like the pressure and your balance and things that. That might get messed up underwater.

[Jake Johnson]

So let's do this. Patrick, will you. Brandon, will you be the boss and will you ask him if he wants to go scubing? And Patrick, let's hear the cleanest way you can get out with the ear thing. And then Brianna, just ask the questions that you think you would naturally ask if you were trying to go scuba diving with a friend of yours. Okay? Okay, you ready, Patrick?

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Took you a second because you're like, who's Patrick? Kind of thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, remember your character's name there. Okay, buddy?

[Jake Johnson]

Remember Patrick Baltimore, 30?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah,

[Jake Johnson]

I'm talking to a 55 year old guy named David from San Diego

[Gareth Reynolds]

who doesn't even have a boss.

[Jake Johnson]

Our show is Catfish. All right? So let's get doing it. And Brandon, whenever You're ready. Invite Patrick, just scuba.

[Brandon Flynn]

Hey, Patty, Patty, Patty. Why don't you come on in my office?

[Jake Johnson]

This is a wild take on the boss.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Oh, yeah, yeah. What's up, man?

[Brandon Flynn]

This has been such a tough week, hasn't it? I would love to blow off some steam scuba diving this weekend. And I was wondering, you know, how about you finally take me off on the off? I will pay for you this time. This one time.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Oh, wow, that sounds awesome. That sounds like a. A great invite, but you're welcome, unfortunately. Yeah. That is so, so nice of you. Unfortunately. My. My doctor just said I can't scuba dive. What? You remember that trip I went on, like a couple weeks ago, right? No, I got this. Weird. Yeah, like, remember when I took that week of leave?

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, is this real? Patrick, did you actually take a week of leave?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you.

[Patrick (Caller)]

No, but I'm about to.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so this is going to be based off a real thing.

[Brandon Flynn]

Oh, so we're in the future. Okay, that would have been a helpful note to know.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, Brandon is doing a steepberg impression, whether he knows it or out. Right, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

Solid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's very good.

[Jake Johnson]

And so, Patrick, keep in mind, this is what we're going to ask you to do, and we're going to maybe ask you to voice record it with your boss. So I need you to be as real as possible. You got to pay the toll on this one.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so let's start again and get us out as clean as you can. And remember, with every great lie, and this is a CIA technique, the less details, the better, because if you keep adding stuff, your story is going to fall apart.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah. Keep it simple.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep it simple. All right, let's start again. Brandon, whenever you're ready.

[Brandon Flynn]

Patty, you come into my office, please.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, sure, boss. What's up?

[Brandon Flynn]

Oh, you don't have to call me boss. You know that.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Brandon Flynn]

So, look, it's been a tough week. I mean, it's already Thursday. I'm dying to get out of here. I would love to go for a long scuba weekend, and I think you should finally take me up on this offer. Hotels are taken care of. My buddy Ulrich is coming, and it'll be a great weekend. Just the boys, you know. What do you say?

[Patrick (Caller)]

You know, that. That sounds awesome, but I've been having this ear thing, and it's been really. It's been painful to go swimming lately, and I. I don't think I can scuba dive.

[Brandon Flynn]

Oh, my God, an ear thing. You might. You want Me to look at it.

[Patrick (Caller)]

You want to look in my ear? I mean, it's. It's like an inner ear infection.

[Brandon Flynn]

It's. Oh, God.

[Jake Johnson]

Brandon's never been a boss. We just realized.

[Patrick (Caller)]

No, no.

[Jake Johnson]

As your boss, look in your ear. If a boss ever said that. Fired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Maybe

[Gareth Reynolds]

it's good though, because presenting all emotional options in a scale.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do you. Jake, thoughts on that? I feel pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel. I feel pretty good. I mean, and really stuns me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I'm interested in this boss character. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need him coming back.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a different scuba trip than I imagine. I don't know who the friend is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a weekend. It's with Ulrich. There's a hotel.

[Jake Johnson]

Something's happening there that's really interesting. But Patrick, to you for a second, do you think that you'll be able to. Do you want to say that you went to a doctor? Do you want to keep it simple when you say an ear thing? Because he might go like, here's what I'm afraid of. If it's vague like that, he'll ask you again. All right, well, let's maybe do. In a couple weeks. I wonder if he asks you. You go, oh, hey, man, I've been meaning to tell you. I'm out on scuba diving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, maybe.

[Jake Johnson]

Why? I've had an ear issue. I finally went to the doctor. I have this like, you know, built up pressure. So I. With altitudes higher and underneath, you know, I can't do scuba. It like creates this ringing in my ear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe it's a two parter. Maybe what we just heard is the A side before the doctor. And then if he asks again, that's when you say, no, I went to the doctor.

[Jake Johnson]

And maybe we do it pre ask. Maybe we initiate and you start going, my ear is killing me, man. He goes, you okay? And you go, yeah, I just had these weird headaches. He goes, you need anything? You go, no, I'm fine. It's not going to affect my job at all. And then you just go like, plant the seeds. You do that a couple times. And then you go, long term lie. Long term lie. And then after a few weeks you go, dude, I went to the doctor. Guess what? I got this thing caused. I don't know what happened, but I guess it's like build up. So I can't go. I have to do minimal flying and I can't scuba anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or you got to wear earplugs when you fly and you can't go under 20ft underwater?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

10ft underwater.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Like, he's like, scuba's outing and I got away. These fucking protective things when I fly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I really wanted to go in the ocean. But you.

[Jake Johnson]

But you don't even make it about him. It's just so that he knows you're saying. It's no invite. It's no rejection. You can't scuba. You can't do. Like, you can't even go off diving boards anymore.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a good one. Crazy. And this is a. Not near an invite. It's not personal. So that later when he's like, oh, you know, I think I'm going scuba in this week. I can't invite Patrick. He's got that weird ear thing.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think, Patrick? That feels pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

Nice.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, I like the. I like the. The planning, the seat. So it's more of a buildup and then proactively saying, I can't do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So let's preempt with the A side being, you got this ear thing. And then the B side will be. You're out. You just found out.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah.

[Patrick (Caller)]

You're going to do it, like, after. After the doctor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Two weeks later, you say to, dude, listen, I don't think I can ever go scuba.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if he asks you in the meantime, while you're doing this ear thing, you start the ear thing literally today at work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if he goes, hey, you want to go scuba? And you go to, yeah, I got this ear thing. I got to check it out. And he's like, all right, let me know. You're like, I'd love to, but this ear has been. Thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shower's been a pain.

[Jake Johnson]

And then he goes, right. But you don't know what it is. Then it keeps going. How about this week? And I still got this. I'm getting it checked out soon. He goes, you gotta. You. I know. I'm just, you know, behind on stuff. And then. Not at all. Near and asked. Middle of the day, eating ham sandwiches on the site. Guess what, man, I got bad news. I gotta retire as a scuba diver.

[Patrick (Caller)]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So perfect. I can't scuba dive no more.

[Brandon Flynn]

Why scuba dive?

[Jake Johnson]

I can't scuba dive because of these ears.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Freaking ear.

[Jake Johnson]

I got cursed with these pressure ears.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then you could. You can do me a favor. When you're down there, think swimming. Swim like the shark. For me. Please.

[Jake Johnson]

Kill him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Send me a video. I said, hello,

[Jake Johnson]

Patrick. What do you think? I think this is going to work.

[Patrick (Caller)]

I think we have a winner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Brandon Flynn]

I Just encourage you to lock in like a local ear specialist. So you have a name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah, you can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can also bring it up, but in case he asks, you're going to

[Jake Johnson]

Doc, That's a great idea.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah, just have a guy, just in case. He's like, let me send you to my guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, I'm on his. I'm saying Shapiro. He's the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, Shapiro.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, That's a good point. Rosemary's the type that would be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, Patrick, we've set you up. You're in a good spot. Jake's saying maybe today you pull the trigger. Either way, the toll on this one is just. Just an audio recording. Can be in your pocket. Whatever. Nothing crazy, but let's get audio of you pulling off the A side. So when I call back in for a follow up, we have a little pepper for our. For our child. You know what I'm saying?

[Patrick (Caller)]

The A side being the. The. Just the talking about the infection.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Patrick (Caller)]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You feel okay about it?

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah.

[Patrick (Caller)]

You guys got it? Absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for the call, Brandon. Thank you for joining the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And real quick, fake Patrick, you gonna watch Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed on Apple streaming right now?

[Patrick (Caller)]

Yeah, I gotta check it out. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, check it out.

[Brandon Flynn]

Yeah, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

Tell all your friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tell all your friends. Tell your boss. Say that's what you're doing instead of scubing.

[Jake Johnson]

Ah, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But tell you I've been watching this. Maximum Pleasure guaranteed instead of scuba diving. An adventure in its own right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Patrick, thank you for the call, bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, buddy.

[Patrick (Caller)]

Thanks. Thanks. Big fans of y'.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love you.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Jake Johnson]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strlecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only. And. And all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a Headgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Jake Johnson]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[Olivia (Caller)]

This is us.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Are we gonna cry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

A little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.