297: Longboard Library Ladder & What's Up, Doc? (with Kiarra Hamagami Goldberg)

Summary

We're Here To Help: Episode 297 — Longboard Library Ladder & What's Up, Doc?

Date: June 10, 2026
Host: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Kiara Goldberg (“Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed”)

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, comedians Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds are joined by actress Kiara Goldberg to tackle two callers’ unusual dilemmas: one about a marital standoff over a library ladder, and another seeking advice on how to ask out her eye surgeon. True to form, the trio blends practical advice with offbeat humor, riffing off each other and their guests’ stories. Along the way, listeners get playful banter, relationship insight, and hands-on tips for sticky situations—all infused with the hosts’ signature irreverence.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reflections and Show Banter (00:35–07:30)

• Show Dynamics: The trio jokes about their own evolving dynamic and personal growth:
  • “I am really liking the Gareth Reynolds era.” (Gareth, 01:44)
  • “You snipped your testicles... The pod became the kid.” (Kiara, 01:48–02:02)
• Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed plug: Kiara and Jake promote their Apple TV show, sharing behind-the-scenes energy and urging listeners to support the show for algorithmic reasons:
  • “The way the metrics work now is they literally count hours of streams.” (Gareth, 03:58)
  • Gossip about Nielsen boxes and TV measurement weirdness.

2. Advice Call 1: Anna and the Library Ladder Standoff (13:35–33:33)

Caller: Anna, Seattle, WA — 33 yrs old

The Dilemma:

Anna’s husband built her a home library but refuses to install the classic rolling ladder she wants, citing safety and cost concerns—but he’s fine with her longboarding downhill.

Key Details:

• Library = dedicated medium room; not huge but substantial.
• Husband (Tristan) built it himself; disallows ladder due to fear Anna will fall (“because you’re clumsy”), referencing his own previous longboard face injury (17:18–18:04).
• His alternative: A step-stool, which Anna finds unsatisfactory and arguably less safe.

Hosts’ Analysis:

• Pointed out inconsistencies:
  • “He will let you longboard downhills but he doesn’t trust you on a ladder reaching for a book?” (Gareth, 17:42)
• The group suspects the issue isn’t Anna’s clumsiness but Tristan’s lack of DIY confidence:
  • “He doesn’t want you pulling on that library because it’s a goddamn house of cards... he knows he didn’t do a great job.” (Gareth, 21:54)
• Discussed possible added reasons: The shelving isn’t well-bolted (Anna admits this), and library ladders are expensive (20:31).

Proposed Solutions:

• Subtle Guilt Tactic:
  • Propose Anna keeps needing Tristan’s help to retrieve top-shelf books until he gets tired of it (25:38–26:09).
• DIY Threat:
  • “Start building the worst wheelie library ladder in the history of library ladders. When he looks at it, he sees a broken face for sure, so he has to step in.” (Kiara, 23:02)
  • Use mismatched wheels, make it intentionally rickety—invoke Craigslist to threaten hiring someone less competent.
• Physical Comedy Angle:
  • Pretend to fall off step-stool, emphasizing “I need something that is connected to the wall because I started reaching.” (Gareth, 29:30)
• Involving the Audience:
  • The hosts ask Anna to document her “attempt” with photos: “Make sure what you’re doing... is right on the line of... a terribly unsafe idea.” (Gareth, 32:34)

Notable Quotes:

• “All a library is is shelves.” (Jake, 29:03)
• “Take a long board and duct tape a ladder and duct tape it to a long board.” (Gareth, 26:21)
• “If you’re good at longboarding, you should be solid on wheels in the house, too!” (Jake, 19:48)

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3. Advice Call 2: Ashley & The Eye Doctor Crush (38:50–65:17)

Caller: Ashley, Vancouver, BC — 35 yrs old

The Dilemma:

Ashley has a crush on her (similarly aged, friendly, and single-appearing) eye surgeon after multiple visits and some fun banter. Now her treatments are over, and she wants advice on how to shoot her shot.

Key Details:

• No further medical appointments needed.
• Doctor has no online/social media presence; no wedding ring.
• Their interaction included mutual joking:
  • “I’m hitting him with the ‘What’s up, doc?’...” (Ashley, 43:45)
• Ashley considers emailing his office or sending a note.

Hosts’ Analysis:

• Affirmed the “vibe” but cautioned that friendly doctors can just be friendly.
• Warned about the boundaries and awkwardness of approaching a medical professional after the fact, but cheered Ashley on.

Proposed Action Steps:

• The Note + Gift Card Pitch:

  • Buy a gift card to a favorite local restaurant (could be tapas/tinned fish, for callback humor).
  • Write a thank-you note with:
    • Gratitude for the care
    • A light joke about her former “wonky eye”
    • Direct, friendly invitation: “If you’re looking for someone to accompany you, I’d love to be your date. Here’s my number.”
  • Deliver to the office with the understanding that a “no” will be painless (no more appointments).

• Writing the Note Live: (54:18–64:11)

  • The hosts collectively draft and workshop the note for tone (“It’s too Canadian—too many words”), balance between gratitude, humor, and being direct.
  • Final consensus: end with a straightforward, flirtatious offer to be the doctor’s dinner date and clear contact info.

Notable Quotes:

• “I can see straight, and I like what I see.” (Gareth, pitch for line; 44:53)
• “This is the doctor’s office version of, ‘let me give my waiter my phone number as I’m leaving.’” (Jake, 51:18)
• “If you want to take anyone to that dinner, I’m definitely tossing my hat in the ring.” (Kiara, 62:24)

Interactive “Tab” Concept:

• The hosts ask Ashley to “pay the tab” by sending a photo of the note and updating the show/listeners on what happens next (reply or not, date or not).

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Notable Moments and Quotes

• On Friendship & Therapy:
  • “Most of our friendship over the last 15 years has been based around dumb bits, but we do (for better or worse) want to try to help people out.” (Show description, 00:00)
• On DIY Mishaps:
  • “This gumbo don’t taste right.” (Gareth, challenging Anna’s husband’s logic, 19:04)
• On Doctor Flirting:
  • “When you fix a woman’s eyes, they fixate on you.” (Gareth, 52:21)
• On Canadian Healthcare:
  • “As a fellow Canadian, is this doctor a specialist? Because just making an appointment isn’t that easy.” (Jake, 49:06)
• On Top Shelf Reading:
  • “Why not keep asking him to go in and get the top shelf book for you? That’s his life hell.” (Kiara, 25:38)
• On Gimmick Gifts:
  • “We could get prep for the Steve Bird cooking competition and make two Zazzle mugs. We could make a winning Zazzle mug and a losing Zazzle mug.” (Kiara, 12:57)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Show Banter and Maximum Pleasure Plug:
  • 00:35–07:30
• Advice Call #1 (Anna/Library Ladder):
  • 13:35 — Intro to Anna
  • 15:01 — Explanation of problem
  • 17:18 — Longboard accident backstory
  • 23:02–33:33 — Brainstorming tactics + resolution
• Advice Call #2 (Ashley/Eye Doctor):
  • 38:50 — Intro to Ashley
  • 41:45 — “What’s up, Doc?” and flop
  • 44:53 — Hosts pitch pickup lines
  • 47:48–64:11 — Break down strategy, write note live
  • 64:11–65:17 — Hosts collect commitments for updates (“pay the tab”)

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Takeaways and Final Thoughts

• Classic “We’re Here to Help” Tone:
  • Equal parts friendship, therapy, and chaos: humor and creative plotting are as important as practical advice.
• Theme:
  • Sometimes, “help” is about subverting the problem (leaning into the ridiculous to motivate others), or just going for it with a little humor and vulnerability.
• Memorable Advice:
  • Threaten to DIY so the real expert steps in!
  • Flirt boldly, but kindly—and don’t leave circumstances fuzzy.
• Show Culture:
  • Listeners are encouraged to close the loop (send updates/photos), reinforcing the sense of a collaborative, ongoing community.

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For listeners short on time:

• Anna’s “ladder standoff” was resolved by encouraging slightly reckless DIY to trigger her husband’s protectiveness and pride.
• Ashley’s “shoot your shot” saga became a master class in note writing and direct-yet-charming flirtation with a medical professional she may never see again.

Best Quotes for Posterity:

• “All a library is is shelves.” – Jake Johnson (29:03)
• “Take a long board and duct tape a ladder to it.” – Gareth Reynolds (26:21)
• “When you fix a woman’s eyes, they fixate on you.” – Gareth Reynolds (52:21)

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For an episode that’s as much about goofball camaraderie as advice, “We’re Here To Help” episode 297 delivers comedic gold, creative problem solving, and a reminder to always pay the community ‘tab’.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[Kiara Goldberg]

And we are back, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this is not, oh, we are back. This is an ad.

[Kiara Goldberg]

No, this is an intro.

[Jake Johnson]

Look at you.

[Kiara Goldberg]

That. We've really flipped. You're a real me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have been really dry. You know, I was thinking about you late last night, Gareth.

[Kiara Goldberg]

This is a great start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've been impressed with you, Jake. I really liked the shifting in our dynamic. And then I was thinking, well, you and I were talking, and you're like, we've both always been the same type.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're like, I always do what you do in most of my relationships.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now I'm seeing it, and I'm like, take the reins, big daddy.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I thought that about you. I genuinely was like. When we first started, I was like, I've never seen anything like this guy. I was like, it's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, GR. Back at you and I have been, as we've talked about, the evolution and the changing of this show is that we are on our own journey. We hope the audience stays with us, but it is fun for us. And this phase, man, I am really liking the Gareth Reynolds era.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, we'll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? You snipped your testicles. You took away the ability to have kids.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you have really become.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of the podcast.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I was just going to say the pod became the kid. The cod.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. Became the baby. This is what we were all waiting for. If you accidentally knocked up some girl at, like, a gas station outside of, like, Highly likely.

[Kiara Goldberg]

There was 15 years where that was a highly likely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Garrett gets the old call where he's like, hey, y', all, this is Stacy. There's a little ginger that just popped out of me. It's got a perm.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I don't have red hair. There's no. Perms are not genetic. And I didn't even have one. Goodbye, Stacy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's wearing a little vest he got from Target.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, this is sounding a little more like it might be mine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The first, by the way.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'll try to fit in. I'll try to fit in that little vest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll try to fit. That's what it said. It got out and made a joke about trying to fit back into that little vest.

[Kiara Goldberg]

It came out. It did the Ace Ventura waft and sign and said it was woo me in there. Something like that. We don't even need to do DNA. That one's mine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It also had a little handheld microphone.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, well, yeah. Where are you from? What do you Do. That's the first words. Turns around to the mom. Where are you from? What do you do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Starting to do an instant crowd work, y'.

[Kiara Goldberg]

All.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This one's work.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Hacky crowd work. Not organic, just stiff. We're here to talk about Maximum Pleasure, Guaranteed. Which is out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah. That's what we're gonna do on this one. And our guest today is Kiara Goldberg. She's on the show. She's great on the show. The show is. You were on Kimmel promoting the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So the show is on. It's currently on Apple. I highly recommend I ask everybody to watch it. We are going to have a bunch of the. The great cast from that show are going to join us. Kara's great. She's also so funny on our show. She and Charlie hall really pop on that Maximum Pleasure, guaranteed. They have a great arc together. It's just a great show. I hope everybody in this base checks it out on Apple. And also, if you just turn it on.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because the way the metrics work now is they literally count hours of streams.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Let's ask this now with the Nielsen. Nielsen rating box used to be the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's exactly right.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Dumbest. What is weirder which system is. Because the truth is, you can't really figure it out properly, but the Nielsen one was crazy. They would send strangers a box to just basically say what they watched, and that would count as a hundred thousand people or some.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was that based off a guy whose last name was Nielsen?

[Kiara Goldberg]

I believe so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did, like, Jerry Nielsen create the Nielsen box and then just give it his family name?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, it must be. I would think it was. Yeah, it was a meter. Yeah. They would send you a literal black box.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Incredible.

[Kiara Goldberg]

But now. But you're right. It is so strange now. So people should just put it on. But you're gonna want to watch it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly. It's a good show.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, you know, I. I am not the lead of the show. Tatiana Maslany is. I've never seen somebody who does. You know, you and me are such sweaty actors. And what I mean by that, like, our whole group is. And. And that is we can't believe we've been invited to the circus. And we sure like this circus treats. And please don't kick us out of the circus. We're all Willy Lowman.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that is every single take I'm going to do is going to really try to be usable. And hopefully you got what you want. If you need something else, let me bang my head into a concrete wall without Question.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, don't forget, I'm the guy who jumped out of the window, broke my pinky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly right.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Remember the dog bit my ass, Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was that again?

[Kiara Goldberg]

I was playing. I had broken my pinky. You and Evan were playing basketball. I was watching you like a kid with a cast on my arm from, like, a window during summer. And so when you guys went inside to go do stuff, I started dribbling the basketball, and there was this little dog outside, and so I was kind of boxing the dog out and kind of playing, and the dog literally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. Who were you showing off for?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Nobody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no way you were boxing out the dog alone, Gareth. That's not.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I was like. Just, like, having a. This was one minute, and then a bunch of hot girls up top. It doesn't matter, but. But the dog jumped up, bit my ass, and I was like, oh, that's smarts. And I did what I never thought I'd do is I put my hand on my back to check for blood, and there was blood, so I had to come back in. And everyone was like, how's the finger? And I was like, fingers, okay, My bottom's bleeding. Everyone was like, this guy's. Talk about Willy Loman would look at me and be like, this is pathetic. Anyway, Kiara Goldberg, great guest. Maximum pleasure, guaranteed. Go on. It's on apple right now. Go watch it. Like Jake said, just watch it. But for whatever reason you have an aversion, just put it on. Don't be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you say. Did you say after a dog bit your ass? That's smarts. That's merch, brother. That's smart. So if you ever. Anybody gets hurt, whenever you're by yourself, if you, like, stub your toe, say out loud, that's smart. And then if anybody looks at you, go. I had to do the Reynolds technique.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Had to pull the Reynolds back there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Reynolds is saying, that's smarts after an injury, and you're allowed to do that alone. So if you get hurt alone, go, ah, that's smart. Then go, ah, Reynolds.

[Kiara Goldberg]

It helps. I'm gonna be following ridiculousness on MTV with that smarts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ridiculousness. What a show that was.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Enjoy. Without further ado, enjoy the show, everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early, and there's also back catalog episodes.

[Kiara Goldberg]

That's right. So we're here to Help. Is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. Just join Us. Let's go. Say it, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking dot com.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Calm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Buddy's great. It's easy to use. You just said where you're staying.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You just. I. I can't help but imagine that if you. You just had Eve going on a cross country trip with a man named

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rick, And I used booking.com to book Rick and Eve.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I mean, that is just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? My brother and I have started calling as of this mother. Chopper 5 called me this morning and we talked for 45 minutes and I was cry laughing absolutely. Honestly, it was the hardest I've laughed, I think in over 12 months. He was on such fire this morning. We are he. We're referring to eve now. Is Ms. Evie good? And he was doing a voice of what Ms. Evie likes and what Ms. Evie doesn't like. Gareth. It was good. And I'll tell you, Ms. Evie doesn't like Rick.

[Kiara Goldberg]

No, Ms. E, she don't like Rick. Is she still holding a grudge to Rick who drove her across the country? It's still coming up. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kind. It comes out. The new grudge is me. Ms. Evie's not happy with Jake. I'm the new Rick.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm too controlling.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Oh, my God. Well, it's nice to be controlling. Like when you use booking.com, it's important. Listen, you got. You got kids, you're traveling with, you got your gr. Your parents you're traveling with. Whatever you're doing. Let's say you want a big kitchen. Let's say your friend with a lisp talked a big game, even though his S's sounded like ths. And he says that he could cook you a great meal. So you're getting a booking.com so that you can have a competition to prove that he doesn't know what he's talking about and he's just out of his mind. All things you can do if you want to. If you want a vacation home, you want a hotel, you want a rental, whatever you want, you can get [e-mail].

[Gareth Reynolds]

find exactly what you're booking for booking.com booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app. This episode of the show is brought to you by Butcher Box. Grilling season is finally here. And let's be honest, the difference between a good cookout and a great one comes down to the quality of meat. I actually agree with that. You go to a cookout and the food is medium.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they're like, dude, you want a sausage? And I Realized they have trash sausage. I'm like, I'm not eating.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'm very careful about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me too. Yeah, I didn't used to be.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, but that's what's great. I mean, it is. It is premium, responsibly sourced meat right to your door. You got a grill, Jake? What do you got?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I do have a grill.

[Kiara Goldberg]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Kiara Goldberg]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm trusting them less and less. I think we are going in a direction. I'm now talking about privatizing more and more and staying away from anything that is big business. And so any company that jumps up that you can trace where their food comes from, I highly recommend.

[Kiara Goldberg]

That's right. And as I completely agree with you, and that's what makes Butcherbox so great. So as an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between free sirloin tips, ground beef or chicken wings and every box for life. Plus $20 off when you go to butcherbox.com here to help. That's right, your choice of free sirloin tips, ground beef or chicken wings in every box for life, plus $20 off your first box and and free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com/here to help. Don't forget to use our link so that they know we sent you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Gilly. Anything to take us out?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, I'll tell you what, Jake. Over the years, it feels like grilling is a way to connect. Food is a way of expressing love. That's what Steve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks so much, Gil.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Take care. And as well, Jake, we're brought to you by Zazzle. It's basically. Zazzle is a custom marketplace where you could take basically any product, a mug, a tote bag, a phone case, and make it mean something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have to say, I am shocked. We have not used Zazzle for this show yet. Now that we are reading this ad together, you can make custom mugs, tote bags, cards, phone case and send it to something we've had so many People like, we've made hats. So the woman who had cancer. Why the stink eye?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Why?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So browse millions of designs or start from scratch and build something completely your own. Either way, you're the designer. Everything is made on demand, so there's no out of stock. Pick it, customize it. Done.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Over 30 million customers have trusted Zazzle with their most important gift. Yours is next. Maybe we should comedically use Zazzle, because I know we both.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You know, we could. We could get prep for the Steve Bird cooking competition and make two Zazzle mugs. We could make a winning Zazzle mug and a losing Zazzle mug.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, let's. I have an idea. Gareth. Side competition with Zazzle. You do. You make some stuff, I'll make some stuff. We'll present it that.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Let's each make one a couple things for the cooking competition through Zazzle. And right now, save 25% off your first [e-mail]. that's 25% savings on your first order@zazzle dot com. Go make something zamazing. Zazzle dot com. Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Hi. How are you?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Good. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, please?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yes, it's Anna.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Anna. Anna, where are you calling from?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Seattle, Washington.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Beautiful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's cool.

[Kiara Goldberg]

That is cool. How old are you, Anna? Roughly?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I am 33.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Perfect. Well, Anna, not gonna lie to you. It's not just Jake and I. So get ready. We have not gonna lie. We have from the hit Apple show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, not yet. It comes out soon.

[Jake Johnson]

Soon to be hit.

[Kiara Goldberg]

It's soon to be somewhere. It's out somewhere.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

No, not yet.

[Kiara Goldberg]

The way I like to look at it. No, no, no. It's out. And we have Kiara Goldberg from the show Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed here on Kiara.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you tell Anna a little bit about our show? Maximum Pleasure guaranteed coming Wednesday, May 20th on Apple. What do we got here?

[Jake Johnson]

It's a comedic thriller. There is murder, there is soccer moms, there is camboys, there's Jake Johnson, there's me and all of our friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty good pitch, actually.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I like it. I did, too. Soccer moms and Camboys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, that's actually kind of a clean pitch. Anna, what is going on today? What can we help you with today?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

So I'm needing help with a issue between my husband and I. Last year, for my birthday, I asked him to build me a library, and he did. And then I asked to have a rolling ladder put in, because what girl who has a library doesn't want a rolling ladder? And he gave Me a ton of excuses as to why we couldn't have a rolling ladder, but his biggest thing was is that I'm really clumsy and he's worried that I'm going to fall off this ladder and break my face like he did. So.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Okay, so there's some logistical questions. Is there anything else you want to get out there before we start asking how big your library is?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

So. And his solution, I would say was to just get me a step stool, which in my opinion is just as unstable as a ladder, and I cannot reach the top of the library shelf with the stool, so. Right. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Anna, do we have any photos of this library?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I did not send any in. No.

[Kiara Goldberg]

How big is it?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

It's not super big. It's probably a medium sized room.

[Kiara Goldberg]

It's its own room.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yes. Okay.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Okay, Things are good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, first of all, this is. I mean, let's give a little. What do we call in your husband here?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

His name is Tristan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tristan. So Tristan built you a library in your home?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Wow.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

He did? Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, well, that's cool. And so when you. Yeah, go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I'm just curious. Is that. So the issue is. Yes, library promise was kept. Ladder promise was not. That's what we're talking about. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. And then the specific question going off of that is, what? How do we get him to give you a ladder?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yes, exactly.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Are you. When you talk about a ladder, are you talking about one of those old schooly wheelie duty ladders? Yes, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Library ladder. And I got to say, Anna is dead right. If you have a library in your house, you need one of those ladders that connects and you can. Yes.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, that is. It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You get on the side, you do like the leg push like you're on a scooter and you just go around. That's exactly now. Exactly that one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

When you say your husband broke his face, what do you mean?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

So we were longboarding because that's what we do. And he went down a hill way too fast and lost control and slammed on the pavement and broke his face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Walk me through what longboarding is. I thought that was surfing. And then you said hill.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like a long skateboard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's long skateboard. Okay.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Fucking crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so he will let you longboard downhills, but he doesn't trust you on a ladder in your own home reaching for a book.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yep, pretty much.

[Jake Johnson]

So he's. He hurt himself. Where does you being clumsy come? Like, where's. Did you break your face?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a good question.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Nope. Things. I've just fallen, you know, and, yeah, I'm just clumsy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, hold on. Something's not adding up for me on this gumbo. So there we go. You know, we're chefs here, and I'm not one of those chefs who's a science. The science guy.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Right. You're not a science chef.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna throw the salt and pepper in and then put my finger in the gumbo and taste it.

[Jake Johnson]

Measure with your heart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Measure with my heart.

[Kiara Goldberg]

So. Right. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your husband and you longboard downhills. He's cool with that?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He fell off, smashed up his face.

[Kiara Goldberg]

He.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You said to Tristan, I want a library. He said, you got it, girl. He built you a library in your house in Seattle. Then you said, I want one of those cool ladder things. He said, no, I'm gonna give you a little stepping ladder. And he goes, why? And he goes, because you're clumsy. And then he goes, all right, let's go longboard down this big hill together.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This gumbo don't taste right. Why would he let you go on a little board with wheels, but not on a ladder with wheels that's stationary, that's connected to a wall? To reach for a goddamn book. Anna, what's happening here? What are we missing in this story?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, I know. I mean, honestly, I think he's just worried because I. I can longboard totally fine. I'm really good at it. But I think just even, like, walking around the house, I will trip over nothing. Like, there will be nothing on the floor, and I just trip on my feet. So I think that's where his concern comes from.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So tell them. Tell him the name. The ladder, the longboard. It's got wheels on it. You're better on wheels.

[Jake Johnson]

That good? That's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a long board in the. The library.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

That. I like that. That's a good idea.

[Jake Johnson]

That's good. I. I think that the. The longboard and there, like, there are probably so many things that you do that are more dangerous than the latter. So what I'm hearing is that it's the, like, the mundane that we're worried about you getting hurt on, but argument to be made, you standing on your tiptoes to try and reach a really high book. More dangerous. More dangerous than a ladder? Because a ladder is meant to help you retrieve something up high that you can't reach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Anna, walk me through what he has said. What's his logic here?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

He. Well, so his biggest thing is the shelves aren't totally like, into the wall. I don't know, like, bolted in. So I think he's worried there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're on something and pull the whole library down.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Exactly. Yes. Yeah. And I think that's probably his biggest thing. And then he also said they're expensive, too. Like, the ladders are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so, Anna, the gumbo is tasting a little bit better now.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, there's a flavor. Anna, did he change after his longboard face smash?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You mean physically or.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Did he become more paranoid about accidents?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yes, yes. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, and when did this injury happen?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

It's been three years ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does he look different?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

No, no. He had to turn his nose. Like, he had to reshape his nose himself. That's what the doctor told him to do. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. Yeah. But this is starting to get a little bit more interesting because, Anna, what I'm. What I'm leaning towards, and this is a man who builds some stuff on my own, is he's not worried about you. You're the excuse. Because if he lets you longboard. Right. You see what I'm saying?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He doesn't want you pulling on that library because it's a goddamn house of cards. Because he knows he didn't do a great job with it.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I think there's something with that. Absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But once you're on a ladder, if you start to fall, you reach for something, you just pull, and all of a sudden he's like, I'm telling you, I did an okay job. Yeah, but this can't sustain the weight of a woman falling off a ladder.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, there's also, like, I got my mother one of those weird cl. Remember when you were a kid, you had that little, like, claw grabby thing? I got my mother one of those, and she loves it. It's psychotic, but she loves it. But that is the logistical solution. But you're looking for.

[Jake Johnson]

She wants solution to be the latter, though, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly right.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I have a pitch, and it's not a lie. My pitch, Anna, is that you start building the worst wheelie library ladder in the history of library ladders. You're taking matters into your own hand. And when he looks at it, he sees a broken face for sure. So he has to step in with a safer library ladder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

That's really good. That's really good.

[Kiara Goldberg]

So you're in there hammering away, putting wheels on, and you're going, I don't think they need to be the same kind of wheel. Like, it's fine. It can look like one of those Old timey bikes. You know where it had the big front, the small back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what you could also do, Gareth? I like this pitch a lot. You could go on Craigslist and say you are looking to buy a homemade library ladder and start telling him a bunch of different builders have thrown ideas out at you and you're excited about them.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Making it a little.

[Jake Johnson]

He'll want to be the one to build a threatening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, because you like that. Well, I built the library.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. Well, the loose library.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could also say this library.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You could also say that you've sent some pictures to these Craig Lists builders and they're flagging the library a little bit. Oh, you know.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, I think that what we're saying is make him feel a little more insecure. Like he has to take matters into his own hands and fix it. Step up.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, I like that. I liked it a lot. And I think it could work too. I do think it would work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So walk us through how it could work, Anna.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I think he would just be like, yeah, no, I. I'm not letting some random person build you ladder or you're not going to be building a ladder on your own. Like I'm gonna do that. Because he does take pride in the fact that he built this library for me. So I think him building the ladder himself to the way he likes will just. It will spark that in him to want to do it, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Here's a classic one too. Do you have the footstool ladder currently in there?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fall off it.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You definitely can.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I have actually, already. I've been a couple of times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. No, but I mean, yeah, we want the.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I've fallen and I can't get up late.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Get a neck brace because it's not. And then say, I need something that is connected to the wall because I started reaching.

[Kiara Goldberg]

By the way, who the. Who is reading books on this level? I mean, this is a. You are looking to get top shelf books. How regularly

[Gareth Reynolds]

of a reader, honestly, did the.

[Jake Johnson]

Did he use a ladder to put the books on the top shelf?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good question.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

No, he's tall enough. He's tall enough to read it. I'm just short again.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'm. I love how. Look, you're quite studious. That's great. If I had a library, here's one thing you'd never hear from me. I need to get a book. Why not every time? Why not keep asking him to go in there and. And get the top shelf book for you? That's his life. Hell and Then when he starts getting. That could be the chronology. You're getting him in there to go grab the books. He gets annoyed. That's it. I went on Craigslist, I'm hiring a builder, or I'm building the ladder myself, and it's going to look janky as shit.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Oh, I like that approach, actually, because he gets sick of getting the book and therefore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I like that approach every day. You're like, honey, can you get the almanac?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take a long board and take duct tape and put a ladder and duct tape it to a long board, okay? And then he's gonna go, what are you doing? And you're gonna go, it just gives me a little bit more height. And then literally get like a stack of dictionaries. And he's like, are you an idiot? And you're like, I need a live. I need a ladder, and you won't build it. So I'm just going to use two long boards, 10 dictionaries.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Now this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's gonna go, you're. You're insane. He goes, build me a library or I'm getting up.

[Kiara Goldberg]

This is a. This is right. Okay, but what you have to do is hang in there because he's going to start looking at you like, who did I marry? You have to hang in there so that he will take matters into his own hand. But the second that he sees you duct taping a ladder to a long board, he's going to be. He's going to be puzzled. Okay, we're all going to be puzzled, but you've got to hang in there and be like, I don't know what else to do. I like the top shelf books for some reason, more than the regular books. I don't know why we built it like that, but I'm duct taping a fucking ladder to a longboard because I need to get those top shelf books.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you also why I don't think he wants to do this. Why It's a ton of work.

[Jake Johnson]

It's pain, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because what you got to build, Anna, just to talk it. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, no, maybe then that's the. That's. You're gonna help that, like, instead of the like, I'm gonna do this or else you're not gonna make it. She can't be like, let me do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then it might be more work for

[Jake Johnson]

him to fix her ladder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. Anna, are you good at building?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

No, not really.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Do you have a book on how to build a ladder on that top Shelf. The irony.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I don't know, I don't actually have one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So here's what I actually think you need to do. Here's my final pitch and then let's all go around, give our final pitches and then Anna, it's on you. But I think this is a tricky situation because also I think he doesn't want to do it because not only does he have to get a ladder, but he's then got to build that connecting piece, the track. Then the track has to be on from the top and the bottom. And I don't know if it's a straight wall or there's connecting walls, but he might have to build a track that has like a U to it. Yeah, this is hard stuff. And this might be above his pay grade in a way where he's like the track man. Right. Because all a library is is shelves. To call a bunch of shelves a library. I could build a quote unquote library. I can't do the track, I can't do the track in the ladder takes you from being a home builder to a pro.

[Jake Johnson]

All a library is is shelves. Jake Johnson. That's it. That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All a dyi if you, you build it yourself. Look, I got a library right here. I got a mini library right here. You see these three coasters? Put books on them. That's a library. But it's not because it doesn't have a connecting.

[Kiara Goldberg]

So what is your, your final pitch is what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Truthfully?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you got to fall. I really in my heart of hearts say I, I fell. And I think you go to a CVS or a pharmacy and you get a neck brace and he comes home and you go, I'm reaching too much for him. I need a connecting library. And if, if you can't do the ladder, I need to hire somebody who'll do it and I'll obviously pay for it.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I, okay, Kiara, you want to go with your.

[Jake Johnson]

I just, I, I, I love the theatrics of that plan. I just worry if she gets hurt again, truthfully or not, she's not going to get a ladder because that's, that's his, his concern. So if she's, if she is like, see, can't let her climb if she's

[Gareth Reynolds]

in a down the top shelves.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I think it's just like your, your, your neck is broken. You're not getting books from the top shelf for a little bit. Babe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's make a grown up decision here, pal. Let's watch Maximum Pleasure.

[Jake Johnson]

I think my I like the. The going. The outsourcing of having someone, okay, build it. I think that's. That feels strongest to me.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'm going to say, I think you for sure should probably stop reading so much and watch Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed a little bit. But what are you doing? You're making us all feel real stupid. I'm going to go with my first. I think you go to Lowe's, grab a bunch of, like, grab four weird wheels that are not going to line up properly, a ladder, and he comes home, and you're hammering away saying you've taken matters into your own hands.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is interesting.

[Kiara Goldberg]

And. And you're trying to build the ladder. You don't know what you're doing, but somebody's got to do it. God damn it. You like those books? Again, we're reshuffling the books on a lower shelf. For some reason, you have a penchant for going for those top shelfers. You're building the ladder on your own. And I will say, also, Jake, we're going to ask you for. At any point when you're giving him the update, whether you've hurt yourself or whether you're building your own or whether you're outsourcing, we're going to need an audio file. We're going to need you to wear a wire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Anna, now you got to tell us what you're actually going to do. Don't worry about the creative of the show. Worry about your ladder. How are you going to get this done?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I think that the one that's going to hit him the most is if I build it myself or try to start building myself. I think he'll be like, oh, no, I'm taking matters into my own hands. You can't do that. I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me, too.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so here's what we need you to do. This is a tab. Pay the tab. So for the first 290 episodes of this show, we would just give people free advice and then say, like, if you feel like it, here's what we need you to do. To pay the tab, you got to take photos of the ladder as you're building it. If you have inspiration photos, we need to see what you're doing. And then we would love to see when he takes over what he does.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Make sure what you're doing, in my opinion, is it has to be realistic. You got to be right on the line of. It's got to be real, but it has to be a terribly unsafe idea.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Where he goes.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Where.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where I. What What I want him to do is say to you and go, this is a nice design. And in his head go, where is her brain? She's gonna die. Like, I'm talking about a ladder in the middle. You go, like. But then maybe I could, like, fold it up again. And he goes, how? And you go, I don't know, like a lever or something. And then I could, like, walk from that point to that point across the room. And he goes, what?

[Kiara Goldberg]

I think. I think he's exactly right, Ana. We want to have the air of believability, but pay the goddamn tab. So we're going to need pictures and we would love audio for when he's trying to figure out what the hell's happened to his lovely W. Okay, I can do that. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, thank you for the call.

[Kiara Goldberg]

All right, keep us posted.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye.

[Kiara Goldberg]

We're reading so much. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Chime.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Oh, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me tell you about Chime.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's changing the way people bank.

[Kiara Goldberg]

That's true. It's changing the way that people bank. Like Jake said, they. It's fee free banking built for you when I was broke and I would get overdraft fees. I mean, it would kill me. It would kill you. So you get. They're getting rid of overdraft fees, monthly fees, fee free ATMs. It's. It's just built for regular people, not the 1% rated.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Five stars by USA Today for customer service. Real Humans 24, 7, which I truly appreciate. Yeah, we are in a world now where it's. It's literally talking to robots.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yes. Shouting at them. Representative. Representative. Representative.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The worst is now. Hi, Jake. How can I help you? Is there anything I can do for you today? And I go, are you a robot, dude? I a robot. How can I help? You're a robot, son.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I got had by one so bad on the road a few weeks ago when I was calling a hotel and I ended up getting. I talked to this woman at the front desk at the one hotel. She made me call this other number and I was like, I think this is a robot. So I called back to the front desk at the other hotel to be like, hey, you sent me to a robot. Only to realize the woman at the front desk was a robot too, named Jolene. I was like, chime.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chime is not just smarter banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. Head to chime.com here to help. That is chime.com heretohelp it only takes a few minutes to set up.

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[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking.com booking.com helps you get it ridiculously right so you can find exactly what you're booking for. G man, you're on the road constantly. The hotel you're in, did the show book it or did you book it using booking.com?

[Kiara Goldberg]

you know what I've been doing, Jake, is I have to switch hotels so often that I started asking the clubs if they'll just give me a buyout and then I'll find a hotel that's in between the places I'll go to booking.com I'll find a place that is kind of equidistant and I get a couple nights in the same hotel. They couldn't make it easier.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I've got a question for the audience here. June 19, is that the date for the. I believe so, the live show in Omaha. We got people in the Midwest who are nearby. Who goes, I want to take a little trip and see something. But where would I stay? Well, go to booking.com because it makes it easy to find a hotel or a holiday home. That's just. That's not just generically right or right for somebody, but ridiculously right for you.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, also Omaha, a fantastic city surrounded by fantastic. I don't know why you said thank you Steve, but you just live there. But it there's you could get vacation rentals. You could turn it into a few days. I mean, who knows?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey Steve, if people come to Omaha for this little trip and they book on booking.com and they turn it into a three day thing, what are a few things they should do besides see you guys live?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Well, obviously we have the best zoo in the country. In the world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think maybe find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com booking yeah. Book today on this site or in the app. This Episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Wayfair. I bought a robot vacuum on that cleans itself. It's a self cleaning robot vacuum and I love it. The thing goes around, vacuums the floor, then takes itself home to its little portal. I'm a fan of it. Wayfair's got everything you want. It's got outdoor seating, grills, it's got outdoor furniture. Over 20 million 5 stars reviews.

[Kiara Goldberg]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Kiara Goldberg]

Hello.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Hi.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Hi. Can we get your name please?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

My name is Ashley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Ashley.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Where are you calling from?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Calling from Vancouver.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Beautiful. Our guest, I'm not gonna lie, we have a guest helper who lit up when she heard Vancou from the soon to be hit Apple show. Maximum pleasure guaranteed. We have Kiara Goldberg joining us. So you've got Jake, myself Kiara. Kiara, Vancouver connection.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I sometimes live in Vancouver.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My.

[Jake Johnson]

My family is from B.C. or you're in Vancouver, Canada or Washington. This could be different.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Canada. Canada.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah. Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, ladies, talk about locations. Where in Vancouver, like where in Vancouver

[Jake Johnson]

are you calling from?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

A neighborhood is Mount Pleasant.

[Jake Johnson]

I love Mount Pleasant.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Me too. It's the best.

[Jake Johnson]

It really, really is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's the best restaurant in Mount Pleasant? Let's give it a shout out.

[Jake Johnson]

The best restaurant.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. Well, I live right across the street from Como Taparia, which is a really nice.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God, I love that place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this true?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I know, it's so good.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Oh wow. Shout out Como Taparia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Incredible.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like Spanish tapas. It's so good.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, it's amazing. Tin fish. Spanish papas.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Did you say tin fish? As a Top selling point.

[Jake Johnson]

Tinned fish.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Tinned fish? Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You're eating fish from a tin at

[Gareth Reynolds]

a place, at a restaurant or under a bridge.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Well, either or, you know, on a tree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like. It's an. It's amazing. We drink a burgundy out of this huge jug, and then we all eat. It's awesome.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You drink ale from an open bucket. We're eating tin fish. Shout out to Covid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The beauty is you go to the bathroom. Right? The same railroad car.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Exactly, Exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Ashley.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Convenience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ashley Vancouver, you like a tin fish. What do we got?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay, so I'm calling today because I need help shooting my shot with my eye surgeon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love this.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

So the story is, like, about a year ago, I had to get eye surgery for, like, a recurring thing I've had since childhood. And in my first meeting with the surgeon, I was like, oh, hey, the surgeon is my age. Which made me feel a little bit old, because I was like, am I old enough to have gotten a specialized medical degree? The answer is yes,

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a real age.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Going to the doctor, leaving, depressed because you didn't become a doctor, but that's a real age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When all of a sudden you go like, oh, all the professional grownups are my age or my age?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're like, whoa.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah. Like, how did that happen?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Open your sardines and have a bite in there.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Literally. That was when I was eating the tinfish under a bridge.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Like, okay, all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You see him. Okay, keep going.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. So, you know, we have a few appointments. I develop a bit of a crush. I think there's maybe, like, a little bit of a vibe there, but I don't know if that's just because he's friendly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're giving so much. Hold on, Ashley. You're giving so much good stuff. I have to jump in. First of all, what was the thing you had a reoccurring, I think. Let's get a backstory.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Oh, oh, okay. So it's this thing where one or both of your eyes can sit off center. I called it my wonky eye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One eye is kind of like going off. And this surgery corrects it. So it keeps the both eyes in place.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Correct. So it's usually a surgery you have, like, in infancy or as a child.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

And I did have that as a child, as a 12 year old. And then I had to. I basically, the eye went back to where it was originally, and I had to get it corrected again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, and how is this surgery?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

It's a day Surgery. But it does. Like, my eye looked insane. Like, it looks crazy. Like, the whites of your eye looks, like, all red and yellow and puffy for a while. It's gross. And then. But the healing process took like, what, three weeks or a month or whatever. And then it's back to normal. And then.

[Kiara Goldberg]

So it's back.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

You don't have a long feel good? Oh, yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

All good.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

All good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And then the other thing, Ashley, what is around your age in this doctor's age?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Oh, I'm 35.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And then one other thing. When you say vibage, walk us through what that means.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I don't know. Okay. So, you know, I'm. I'm coming into the appointment with very much the same type of energy I have right now. Like, I'm friendly, needed to talk to. But then this guy is also friendly and easy to talk to, which sometimes is not the case when you're talking to a doctor. You know, like, sometimes your experience with a doctor is like, they just want to get you out of there. Right.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'm gonna diagnose both these people with Canadian,

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

perhaps. Perhaps.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Okay, keep going.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Anyway, like, I'm. I'm hitting him with the. What's up, doc? I'm, you know, talking about how.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Sorry. I'm sorry. What do you mean? You're literally doing the Bugs Bunny.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, I'm doing the Bugs. Funny. When I come into his room for

[Kiara Goldberg]

the appointment, eating a carrot. Okay, all right, keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How's he responding to what's up, doc?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

He laughs. He laughs. He thinks it's funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, that's a good start.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

And then, like, you know, I'm talking about the wonky eye. I go in for a. For a post op appointment when my eye is still looking kind of crazy and I am still in the healing process, and I talk about how I look like a horror movie right now, you know, and he's, like, laughing about it and he's like, yeah, you know, it's just. I don't really know how to describe the vibe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you guys are joking. You're able to make a joke about the situation and he's able to laugh.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That helps us.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got my first pitch really fast.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just. It's early, but just in terms of the tone. And then we're going to get back into it. You go, hey, doctor, now that this eye's not walking wonky, I can see straight, and I like what I see. Let me take this hunk out to dinner.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, when I First walked in, I didn't see you. I just saw the wall over there

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

when I looking at you, when I looking for you. But no,

[Gareth Reynolds]

that's pretty good.

[Kiara Goldberg]

It's pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's pretty good, actually.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One eye looking at the hotel room we're gonna stay at tonight.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay, but the rub. It's a good pitch, but the problem is now I've had my last appointment with him, so I reason to see him again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Understood. Okay, that makes sense. Okay, so you guys finished, and now you're thinking, I got to go back and shoot my shot.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah. Like, how do I do that when I have no reason to see him again? I. I have, like, his office's email and phone number, and that's it. He doesn't, like, interested. You know what I mean?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you done any Internet search? Is this dude married? Do we know anything? Have you done any homework?

[Jake Johnson]

I had the same question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You did? Yeah.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. Okay, so he's. He didn't wear a wedding ring. Other than that, I have no idea. I did look him up. He has no social media presence, including no LinkedIn or whatever that I could find. So that is where we're at for an eye doctor. Well, I don't know. He's a professional guy. Maybe he just doesn't have time for that. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Is there, like, a. Like, what are the rules as an eye doctor for jewelry? Like, is it a sterile environment where you can't be wearing your ring even if you had one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I know where you're going with that. I was like, you're talking about necklaces and bracelets. Who cares?

[Jake Johnson]

Just talking about the ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Like, how many earrings does he have?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Like, hopefully he comes to work looking like Run dmc.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, I didn't notice any earrings. I did see him in, like, an office setting, which I would assume doesn't need to be, like, no jewelry. You know what I mean?

[Jake Johnson]

Like, totally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So he could. He could have a wedding ring in the office?

[Kiara Goldberg]

I. Yeah. Well, it sounds like. It sounds like from every detail we can tell, he's probably available. I mean, you listen, this is the downside to shooting your shot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You don't know exactly. Yeah, we don't know. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Give us a really quick question. Let me ask a quick question. What's this guy's vibe? We know that he's jokey. What's he kind of look like? What's his kind of style? Because sometimes doctors are just friendly where they're, like, they're good with patience. He's like I'm about to operate on her eyes. She's saying, what's up, doc? What's he gonna do, go like this? Nothing.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, I mean, that's true. I mean, as far as his. His style, what's he look like? Like, I don't know. He just. He kind of looks like a nerd who would be a doctor style. Like, he's wearing, you know, scrubs and a medical. Like a lab coat, you know, I don't have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's hunky about this guy? What, do we like it?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I think. I think it's more of a vibes thing than like a. Like a. The look thing. Yeah. Like, I don't know, I just appreciated him as a guy. You know what I mean?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, it's. I mean, look, it's really, at this point, figuring out the like, least collateral damage way for you to go shoot your shot with him. I have a pitch on that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I think what you do is you make an appointment, and when you make the appointment and you're going in there because you're worried this is happening to your other eye, by the time you go to the appointment, it's not really. I mean, you've had this before. You have an appointment, you're like, fuck it, I'm still gonna go because, you know, it's been two weeks. I just want to be safe. You go and you go. I might. You know, I thought maybe I felt something. I just didn't want to have it happen again. I might just be paranoid. Can you look? He's going to take a look. He's going to go, no, there's nothing wrong. And you're going to go, okay, great. And say, you know, I also been thinking about it. I really appreciate the care, the work. I just. Can I take you out to dinner as a thank you for getting my eye back on track and being so kind? There's a tapas bar where we can eat tinned. Yeah. Anchovies together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. I'm liking a lot of this, Gareth. I'm not liking the lie as a premise.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I gravitate towards July.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a thing there that I'm curious about, as a fellow Canadian. Is this doctor like a specialist? Because just making an appointment isn't that easy. I'm curious if that's. That's. That would be tricky, right?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah. Correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

There's. We all get. We all get kind of like care, but we have to wait.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

It's kind of like now that the surgery is done and all the follow ups are done. In order to see him again, I would need another referral. You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love that. But do you have direct access to him or his office via email or phone?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Phone, yes, I have his office's email and phone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So here's what I would recommend. Similar to where GR was going, but a little different. Email the secretary or whoever runs that front of house. The host.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, they're definitely called a host at the doctor's office.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just want to change terms. I don't like secretary.

[Kiara Goldberg]

We don't know how it happens at kettle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just heard they have to wait a long time. It's all different.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not different.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

It's all different.

[Kiara Goldberg]

The mater d of the optometrist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I, if I'm you, I email them and say, I have a little thank you gift for the doctor. This is a time when he's available where I could surprise him and just say thank you and deliver him this little package. What he doesn't know is you, dear. The package.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'm gonna jump in. Love the setup. I think we do get a gift.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

And we add a little card to the gift. It is not too long. It's a thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's funny.

[Kiara Goldberg]

But it's funny, yeah? Yes, it's funny. And at the end you say, I would really like to go out to dinner with you sometime, my treat. If that sounds good. Here's my number.

[Jake Johnson]

Phone number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But here's what I don't love about the note. You're putting it on him.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Right.

[Kiara Goldberg]

It's all gonna go on him either way. You don't want to go on a guilt date.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's true.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's nice. It's like, it's the. It's the doctor's office version of let me give my waiter my phone number. As I'm leaving, let me give the host the number, you know, so it's a thank you. Did you learn anything about him? Like, what would this gift be?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Good question.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

No, like, very minimal, like personal details. So we talked a little bit about, like work life balance. And that's kind of as personal as we got.

[Jake Johnson]

But that's, that's a start. Like maybe a gift card to como taver and then.

[Kiara Goldberg]

And then just become a barfly there for three weeks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, here. It could be funny, actually. If you get a gift card for a dinner for two and say, this is my favorite restaurant, if you feel like it, I would love to be your date. But if not, please take whoever you want to go with. And so it's funny, now that you fixed my eyes, I'm seeing what I like, and I do like what I see. And I. When a guy is handsome and charming as you, you probably get that a lot. When you fix a woman's eyes, they fixate on you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so if you've got somebody else, enjoy your night. Thank you for everything you've done. If not, name the dame, doctor and I will be there reading the menu. With no wonky eyes.

[Jake Johnson]

Nope.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Hey, you know what? I like this. I'm a big. I'm a big card person. Thank you person. So I. I love you, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think, Ash? Are we doing this?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, I would definitely do this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What. What is the gift gonna be? Is it going to be the gift card?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I think a gift card. Maybe. Maybe for the restaurant. Maybe for like a coffee shop or something. Keep it cash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I like a cash.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now let's do this.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I like that idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna. Wait a second, grab a piece of paper. We're gonna pen that note as a team.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay, Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tell us when you're ready.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Hey, give me one second.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And how. Those eyes.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

The eyes. Wait, mine?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, yeah. No, no, yours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, we know he's. We know he's got Great.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

No, they're good. They're great. The. The condition is not. It doesn't affect your vision at all. It's just the alignment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So even if it's a wonky eye, you're still seeing perfectly. It's in a. Yeah, exactly.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Really?

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would not have guessed that.

[Jake Johnson]

It's what we're seeing.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

It's really strange.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So even if it's like one eye is going to the right, you're still seeing. So our eyes looking forward are just visual. Just from the outside. It matters. Our eyes are actually like. Nah, brown pupils could go anywhere I'm seeing, Right.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's very confusing about eyes.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'm very. Because I would almost feel like the quote, unquote, wonky eye could be an advantage. You could have, you know, one eye

[Jake Johnson]

straight to the periphery.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, like an assassin's eye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It might make it a little different.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Well, you know, might make too late for that now.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I gotta get used to that. Look, the point is. Did you find a pen?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I did. We're ready.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so, Ashley, why don't you take the first stab? Just write and talk out loud. And then the three of us, if somebody's got something, just interrupt. But when you're doing this don't think about the podcast. Don't think about the audience. Think of this fucking hunk and scrubs.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Don't think about the spotlight on you right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Think about the spot that's right in the lovers bath you guys are gonna take together.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna keep the lights out.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Oh, Lord.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Buddy, that's a lover's bath. There's. I don't know if I love a fully lit lover's bath, but just go ahead.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, that sounds crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why not?

[Kiara Goldberg]

I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This chef likes to see the ingredients.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I don't care for anything that. Now we're really in a bunch, buddy zone. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Moving on.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Caught all that.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

How about, like. Just wanted to drop a quick note to thank you for all your help as we went through this process. I really appreciated how kind and friendly you were throughout everything, and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's too Canadian. Too many words.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Oh, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I just think you don't. You don't need to say. I just wanted to leave this note. Just start. Start with the thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Agreed.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. Okay.

[Chime Disclaimer Voice]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Start over. Cut some of that fat out.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

All right. Thanks so much for taking care of me over the past year or so. I kind of missed the wonky eye, but I'm grateful that it's fixed.

[Kiara Goldberg]

That's on the cutting board, but keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. I kind of.

[Jake Johnson]

I like it.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it. It's charming. It shows her personality, right? All right, keep going. If I'm him, I'm laughing at line two.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. As a thank you, I wanted to. No, wait, wait.

[Jake Johnson]

So maybe take. Take. Maybe be like, I'm so grateful for your support at the beginning. Take out the thank you so that you can end it with the. I'd like to thank you by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, take a second and. Because we're going to have you read it at the end again.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. So

[Jake Johnson]

we got the gratitude, we got the joke, we got the. The off the offering. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now we just gotta land. We got to pull the boat and the fish and then pull the fish.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. So as a. How about as a token of gratitude.

[Jake Johnson]

Good metaphor.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

As a token of my gratitude, please accept this gift card.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Okay, great.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

To wherever.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

And if you're looking for someone to accompany you, maybe.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Maybe we thank him real quick. Some of the wonky eye thing, if we like that. Right?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

And then we'll return to the. I know someone who would like to go with you if you're interested.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If not, don't be Mysterious. Because he might go.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm really grateful for your, like, like, support and being, you know, through this process.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The wonky eye. No. What was.

[Kiara Goldberg]

What was that joke? I kind of missed the wonky eye, but you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. Or you can just.

[Chime Disclaimer Voice]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I wanted to thank you by giving you this gift card to this restaurant. I love it. Whatever. Wonky eye joke.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

If you want someone to. If you want someone to accompany you to dinner, I'd love to be your date.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I know someone who'd be into that. Their number is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wouldn't do somebody who's into it because. Well, you don't want him to go. Is go.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Who?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Who? If he goes. Who? We don't want to get in a relationship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We might. He's busy. He's a doctor. He's tired.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but just. But I. But I.

[Kiara Goldberg]

For different reasons, actually gave me your number. Who are you? Do you want to go and fish? I'm a crazy doctor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. Actually. That's great. If he calls and goes, I would like to dinner.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Who are you?

[Jake Johnson]

And then sees his number from Ashley.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Hello.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'm the eye doctor. Ashley's setting us up. Do you. To meet at the fish place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Agreed. That's insane. All right. All right. So, Ashley, what do we got here so far? And did you use anything about, like, pulling the fish in the boat kind of thing, or did you go in a different direction?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Pulling the fish in the boat?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think. I don't think that was clear that that was a thing for her to write.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Move on, then. Move on. Everyone was doing their own thing. It felt like you two were cooking. It felt like you guys were cooking. And I thought, let them get in their groove. But she's hearing me too kind of vibe.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm realizing now, I thought you were just musing on the. On the situation at large.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm moving on. I am that doctor who's going to call some random number and go, I. I don't know who this is, but I'm looking to take you on a date. Hello.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Ashley came in with a wonky eye. Thinks we might be right for each other. Do you like tapas?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You like tin fish, babe?

[Kiara Goldberg]

You into tapas? Who are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just wear yellow so I know who it is.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Why don't we meet in the park before?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Ashley, read us this goddamn letter.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay? Okay. So it just says, thanks so much for your help over the past year. I kind of miss the wonky eye. But I'm grateful that it's Fixed. As a token of my appreciation, please accept this gift card. And if you're looking for a plus one, I'd be happy to go with you. And then my number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That feels too casual.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just I. I think we just flip the. See, first one's great. Then wonky eye. Then as a token of my. Wait, no, sorry. As a token of my appreciation. Appreciate.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I'm with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was cool.

[Kiara Goldberg]

You just turned it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You became a full on scat lady all of a sudden. Became a jazz club at home.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. This is my bread and butter. I love to edit an email, but it's driving me crazy. I don't have it in front of me. You know, like, I love when a friend sends me a dress.

[Kiara Goldberg]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, help me, because you know exactly

[Kiara Goldberg]

what I think what you're saying, Gareth

[Gareth Reynolds]

and Jake is what you meant.

[Kiara Goldberg]

So first of all, do the fish stuff. Get that out of the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You kind of just went to Gareth.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

I'm not. I don't want to do a fish joke.

[Kiara Goldberg]

We're just having fun. We're just having a laugh. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pull the tuna in the boat is not really a fish joke.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Okie dokie, where's the joke? Jake, I'm putting you on ice too. Like the tuna metaphor that we're not. Yeah, here's what you do, Ashley. You're starting with, hey, thanks for everything. As a token of my appreciation, here's the gift card. I kind of missed the wonky eye. But, you know, however you want to put that. If you're looking for someone to join you for that dinner, I have the perfect candidate. Her number is this smiley.

[Jake Johnson]

We're just. We're separating the as a token and the I would be your date.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I. I think it's helped a couple of ways, but. Yeah, it's one way because he's like, oh, cool, a nice gift. Oh, funny joke. Oh, she wants me to take.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, bad news. My hook into a sea turtle.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Stop it now.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, but Jake, let's. You. You did. You were saying. You were saying that it felt too casual. What's. What's. What's the problem?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't like this. If you're just looking to get a coffee. Wait, I go like this. I got enough friends. I'm a doctor. I fix eyes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What I want to do.

[Jake Johnson]

We can have a good line there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What I'm looking for is fishing line.

[Kiara Goldberg]

No.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What I'm looking for is something in the zone of thank you for working on my eyes. I missed the Wonkiness. Here's a thing. If you want to, you know, pull this tuna onto a boat kind of thing, you're put a saddle on this tuna and ride it like a rodeo.

[Kiara Goldberg]

And you go on the tuna, you go, whoa.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

You're saying, you're saying that the only way for it to not come off casual is to talk about tuna?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but it does seem like I'm saying that. Here's what I'm actually saying, Ashley, we need to flirt. If you're gonna shoot the shot, shoot the shot. Shot. This feels like you're going like this. I don't know. You shoot a shot. I want that last line. I'm looking for a little bit of.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yeah, yeah, let's keep everything we said. And the last line will be something a little more overt along the lines of, by the way, if you want to take anyone to that dinner with you, I'm definitely tossing my hat in the ring. Here's my number. Something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cute.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then he goes, oh, she's asking me out.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, we could. We could afford a bigger flirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because guess what? If he never calls, you're not going back to the doctor, but you don't want him to go. Like, let's go out and then go. Okay. While you're there, go. So my wife found her anniversary. Now that we're girlfriends, gab, brother.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Right. Okay, cuz I think.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you're getting a text either way. I think you're either gonna get. Get like a friendly text of like, hey, I'm. I'm in a relationship. This was so sweet. I'm so glad you're feeling great. Like, yep, thank you. Or right como da question mark?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly. But that might come at 2:00am well,

[Kiara Goldberg]

you might have a coke problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That might come at 4:30am on a Wednesday. All right, so Ashley, read us the. Read us what you got.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay, so I'm just saying thanks for everything over the past year. As a token of my appreciation, I wanted to please accept this gift card. I kind of missed the wonky eye, but I'm grateful it's fixed. If you're looking for someone to join you at this dinner, I'd love to. I'd love to tag along. Here's my number.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not tag along. I would love to be on date.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. I'd love to join you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd love to be your date.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Jake's right.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Okay. Love to be your date.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Phone number.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Be your date.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Phone number to be your date.

[Jake Johnson]

Phone number.

[Kiara Goldberg]

To be clear, that's your actual number. I'd love to be your date.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Date. Phone number?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Phone number.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I never heard from him.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

No, I got it.

[Kiara Goldberg]

Oh, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now you got to pay the toll. And what we need for the toll is what, Ashley?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

What do you mean?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Ashley, we've dished out some phenomenal advice here. You're in a good spot, right? You feel pretty good?

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah.

[Kiara Goldberg]

We're not asking anything for you. We just want you to have a good life. But the only thing we're asking you is to pay the tab here a little bit on our end. We want a picture of the no note. We want an update on what his reply is, a screenshot of a text or anything like that. And if there is a date, we definitely expect a picture of you, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, of course, I don't know if we could get. You could also black out the faces, but we definitely. If there's. Either way, we're going to have you back on, but we need a photo of the note, especially when

[Kiara Goldberg]

you get one.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Yeah, okay. Absolutely. Will do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We appreciate you.

[Kiara Goldberg]

All right, Ashley, we got this fish in the boat. Ready to get it and serving it tonight through a tin. Take care. God bless. Hang up right now. Don't say yikes anymore.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Just hang up my phone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at Patreon to see our entire catalog.

[Kiara Goldberg]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice. Advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only. And all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a Hitgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was a Hitgum podcast.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show coming to coming to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what it is.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show coming to head gum soon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Woo hoo.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Woo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've learned a Jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Apparently there's only so much butthole you can take. We're gonna take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best bits. Bats, bad behavior, and even worse decisions.

[Kiara Goldberg]

All of it.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Sometimes we don't make the right decisions.

[Caller (Anna/Ashley)]

Jeff.

[Kiara Goldberg]

I've noticed that every.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Every so often with guests like Spike Jones.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think let's commit to Jackass, the podcast.

[Kiara Goldberg]

What was it gonna be called?

[Johnny Knoxville]

The Jackass Podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Podcast. Without you, the IQ drops significantly.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Steve O. There's a strong chance that were it

[Gareth Reynolds]

not for Jackass, that I would be in clown makeup right this market.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Chris Pontius, that shot of your butt just cruising up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like, yeah, I got that on tv. God bless us.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Dave England.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, when you come in and you're

[Kiara Goldberg]

being really nice, I'm like, damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Something bad's gonna happen to me.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Wee man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jeff grabbed me from the back of the head and threw a punch. The whole bar just stopped and wanted to kill me, like.

[Johnny Knoxville]

And some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I had to share a room with this guy and I left a nice surprise in the toilet for him every time.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Apparently he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass the Podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our new episodes drop on June 18th. Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on on Instagram and TikTok @JackassThePodcast. What were we just talking about?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Probably buttholes.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Jake Johnson]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[Kiara Goldberg]

This is us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Kiara Goldberg]

We're gonna go episode by episode.

[Jake Johnson]

We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and casting directors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we going to cry?

[Kiara Goldberg]

Yes, a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we going to laugh a lot?

[Kiara Goldberg]

A whole lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.