299: Jude Standard Time & Steak and Scallops (with Charlie Hall)

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 299: "Jude Standard Time & Steak and Scallops"

Host: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds | Guest: Charlie Hall
Date: June 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and bit-filled episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds are joined by actor Charlie Hall (Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed, The White Lotus). The trio kicks things off with stories from showbiz before diving into classic "We're Here to Help" territory: fielding advice calls from listeners who need a mix of empathy, real talk, and comedic interventions to solve their unique problems.

The main themes:

• The hurdles of breaking bad habits (chronic lateness) and creative accountability
• The awkwardness of stranger generosity (when your mail route comes with a side of steak and scallops)
• How friendship and collective laughter might be the very best self-help

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1. Guest Chat: Charlie Hall on Acting and Basketball

[01:13–08:40]

• Charlie’s Current Projects:

  • Charlie shares his joy working on "Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed" as Rudy—describing a fun, supportive cast environment.

    “I play Rudy...a office mate, coworker, friend of Tatiana’s character, Paula, along with Kiara Hami Goldberg’s character, Jerry. And we get the funny stuff, so it was easy.”
    —Charlie [03:59]

  • On "The White Lotus," Charlie highlights the surreal experience of filming in France and praises the inclusive, warm cast.

    “You stay at the hotel that you shoot at, and...it’s very, very grateful to be doing that one. I think people are really going to like this season.”
    —Charlie [05:13]

• Background & Career Origin:

  • Charlie played college basketball and initially dreamed of going pro, but a back injury shifted his path to comedy writing and web series production.

    “I always liked comedy...we didn’t want to pay anyone to be in it...I’ll do it and I’ll be the guy...tossed it on Youtube, and it...got some traction. That’s how I got representation.”
    —Charlie [07:41]

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2. Caller #1: “Jude Standard Time” (Chronic Lateness)

[13:28–43:00]

Caller: “Jude” (23, Toronto)

Issue:
Jude is chronically late to everything, despite caring and trying hard (alarms, bed shakers, prep hacks have all failed). She wants an accountability system that’s also fun.

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Key Discussion & Advice

• Understanding the Problem:

  • Jude admits she struggles with time estimation (“I don't have a great grasp on how long tasks take”), gets stuck searching for essentials, and feels genuine anxiety about lateness.
  • Jake expresses zero tolerance:

    “Lateness drives me crazy...no more words, I need action. I'm late, but I'm apologetic—couldn’t care less...get here 30 minutes early.”
    —Jake [19:04]

• First Tier Advice: Preparation & Alarms

  • Gareth: “Set out all the things you need the night before—keys, clothes, transit card. Set your alarm an hour earlier. And, as a twist, we’ll record a guilt trip audio file for you to play when you want to snooze.”
    —Gareth [21:01]

• Charlie’s Radical Solution:

  • The “high stakes secret system”: Jude gives a close friend (or the hosts) three damning secrets; every time she’s late, one is revealed to someone.

    “Build in some sort of shame system...be on time or everyone knows about that thing you did.”
    —Charlie [24:14]

  • Jake: “You can’t be late AND a liar at 23. What’s your future here, kid?”

• Making it Real

  • When Jude resists, saying she doesn’t have big secrets, Jake pushes for honesty—eventually getting her to share confidential details (bleeped out for the audience) [32:03–35:28].
  • The team devises a combo approach:
    • Jude’s friends will now send her fake event times, randomly earlier than the real start, to “scramble” her internal clock.
    • Accountability: If she’s late, the hosts will (with consent) reveal pieces of her secrets on-air.

• Scripted Accountability Group Text [38:21–42:41]:

  • Charlie drafts the message:

    “Hey guys, I’m turning a new leaf. It’s time for me to never be late again, but for me to do this, I need your help. When you invite me somewhere, tell me a fake time that’s earlier by 10–40 minutes, your choice, than the actual time...My uncles Jake, Charlie, and Gareth are really on my ass about this.”
    —Charlie & Jude [42:12]

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “We have these agreed clocks that we all live by...It reads as selfish. So you’ve got to find a way to break through.”
  —Gareth [21:01]
• “She’s got a vibrator in her bed, but has no secrets.”
  —Jake [30:51]
• “Time-wise, you’re a total train wreck. But outside of that, you seem to be a real thing.”
  —Gareth [41:32]

---

3. Caller #2: The Steak and Scallops Dilemma

[47:13–69:53]

Caller: Paul (Mid-40s, Mailman, Philadelphia area)

Issue:
A sweet elderly woman on his mail route (Janelle) has escalated from giving Paul pie to delivering him entire home-cooked dinners (spaghetti & meatballs, stuffed peppers, steak and scallops). Paul feels uncomfortable and overwhelmed by these gifts, but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.

---

Key Discussion & Solutions

• The Challenge:

  • Paul admits to being an “oversharer.” He told Janelle about living alone post-separation, likely prompting her maternal generosity.
  • The gifts have escalated, with Janelle even waiting by the driveway to ensure Paul is the recipient.

• Advice & Scenarios:

  • The Girlfriend Lie:

    “I got a pitch: Lie and tell her you fell in love...go there with a big smile and a little skip...I’ll be sure to tell Jennifer [my new girlfriend] that you did this.”
    —Jake [54:14]

  • Charlie jokes about more elaborate food lies (Ozempic, doctor’s orders), but lands on the gentle break.
  • They practice the delivery, with Charlie roleplaying Janelle:

    “Janelle, it’s very kind and very sweet that you keep doing this...I really don’t need you to be giving me full, full meals anymore. Thank you very much.”
    —Paul rehearsal [69:16]

  • Gareth’s comic pitch: “Just never return her Tupperware, starve her out of containers.”
  • Final pitch: Be direct, express gratitude, cite a new relationship and explain you can’t accept more food.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Her way of showing love is to fill your stomach up with meats?”
  —Jake [54:07]
• “She's literally outside waiting...I got a fun pitch: disguise yourself; throw her off the scent.”
  —Gareth [59:09]
• “You're doing great. Time-wise, you're a total train wreck, but outside of that, you seem to be a real thing.”
  —Gareth, callback to Jude [41:32; echoed for Paul]

---

4. Highlights & Memorable Moments

• Bit Play and Friendship: Banter about being “benched” in college sports, making fun of bed shakers, and improvising fake Love Is Blind franchises.
• Practical but Playful: Both advice calls include accountability games—secrets and fake times (Jude), break-up rehearsals (Paul).
• Direct, but Heartfelt: Jake’s tough love lands as both bracing and encouraging—wanting listeners to do better because they matter.

---

5. Key Quotes & Segment Timestamps

• Charlie on acting and finding your path:
  “I came to it pretty late...21 or so. So, that’s nice to know as a father of 12-year-olds—I could start at 21 and work.” [08:25]

• On lateness and accountability:
  “No more words, I need action.” —Jake [19:04]

• On creative shame systems:
  "Three to five really true, deep, dark secrets...Anytime you are late, they are going to tell someone one of those secrets. And, yeah, I got news for you: you won’t be late.” —Charlie [24:14]

• Paul’s mail route and the food anchor:
  “The coup d’etat was...a full steak dinner with baked potato and scallops.” —Paul [49:52]

• On how to say “no more food”:
  “Janelle, thank you very much for the meals. I do have to ask them to end right now.” —Paul, practicing [69:42]

---

6. Segment Timestamps

• [01:13] – Charlie Hall welcome, show talk, acting projects
• [13:28] – Jude Caller: Chronic lateness dilemma
• [21:01] – Gareth & team’s advice for lateness
• [24:14] – Charlie’s shame/accountability system
• [32:03] – Real talk with Jude: secrets & buy-in
• [38:21] – Group text drafting for accountability
• [47:13] – Paul’s mail route: the food dilemma begins
• [54:14] – Solution pitches: girlfriend lie, food copout
• [59:09] – Janelle’s dedication, disguise pitch
• [66:18] – Paul roleplays "breaking up" with Janelle, with the trio guiding him
• [69:42] – Polished script: how to kindly refuse meals

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7. Final Takeaway

This episode showcases the “for better or worse” spirit of Jake and Gareth’s friendship—a mix of tough love, silly games, and genuine compassion in doling out advice when life gets both trivial and weird. With Charlie Hall in the mix, the camaraderie, bits, and sincerity make this episode a classic example of honest, human comedy therapy.

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If you want bits, heart, and real advice for unreal problems—listen to the full episode.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgun podcast. METV is America's number one classic TV entertainment network, airing over 60 of the greatest TV series every week.

[B]

Now METV presents the Golden Girls of Summer, showcasing the best of the golden girls.

[A]

Watch Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia weeknights

[C]

on MeTV at 10pm 9 Central. Log on to metv.com now to find

[A]

out where to watch MeTV free over

[B]

the air and on cable, satellite and select streaming services. MeTV is memorable entertainment television. And we are. This is still part of the maximum pleasure guarantee.

[C]

What a push.

[B]

What a push. Well, the team came together pretty strong. Yeah. We're here with the great Charlie Hall. Charlie, you're great in the show.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, you guys, so happy to be here. Such a fun dynamic.

[A]

It is, it is a lot of fun. I mean it's pretty, pretty easy when you're working with those folks.

[B]

But yeah, I felt the same way on this job. But our, the way we all did this show is none of us were on the same show.

[A]

Correct. Yes. I. I don't know who you are.

[B]

So you and I didn't work together. Murray and I didn't work together. I worked with Tatiana and Jesse on a relationship show and then you guys made other shows and now I'm seeing your guys shows.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

And by the way, I love your show.

[B]

I love your show too, man. I love Murray's show too. I love Mar.

[A]

Show is great.

[B]

It's has nothing to do with my show, but it was cool.

[A]

It's so funny. And when you're the only. By the way, you're of the, of the other shows because we did that press day in la.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like we got to, we got to know each other. But there's like. I've never even met Murray.

[C]

I don't think Murray's real. I'll be honest. I think he's AI.

[A]

I've always said that.

[C]

I believe in bba.

[B]

So we all went to Austin to do the ATX Charlie and you guys were missed. But the group is a really fun social group because first of all, we didn't all work together. So there's not a lot of history. There's not like we're not like weird versions of cousins and it's all different types. I was like when we. We all went to Barton Springs, some natural, Natural Springs water thing. We all jumped in in the morning and I was sitting around looking around, I was like, this is a wild group, but I love it. Me, Murray and Jesse did a swim race and it started off so casual. We all got so competitive, and I was like, murray's killing us.

[C]

By the way, Jake. Translation? Yeah, you got super competitive.

[B]

Early close, Gareth. No, Jesse Hodges did okay. All right, Charlie, tell us about what you do on Maximum Pleasure. Guaranteed. I also know you're in White Lotus with the dear Max Greenfield.

[A]

Yeah, catch yourself. By the way, I love him.

[B]

I'm seeing him for lunch today.

[A]

Oh, no way.

[B]

So what's going on? How's everything?

[A]

Tell him congrats on his New York Knicks. That's exciting for him.

[B]

By the way, Gareth, Charlie played college basketball.

[A]

Ah, that's awesome.

[C]

Good for you.

[A]

This is. This is true. Jake and I wrote the Bench, but

[C]

still, to be there.

[A]

To be there.

[C]

You're in the showers. That's what Jake and I always want to do.

[A]

Go ahead, Charlie.

[B]

That's an honor.

[C]

Charlie answered Jake's earlier question, by the way.

[B]

That wasn't. Don't speak for us, Garrett. That's weird stuff.

[C]

I'm gonna mute for a little bit, but have a good intro, boys.

[B]

All right, Charlie, what's going. So what are doing? Tell us about the show, and then also about White Lotus.

[A]

Yeah, I. So I play Rudy in the wonderful show Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed. I'm the. I'm a office mate, coworker, friend of Tatiana's character, Paula, along with Kiara Hami Goldberg's character, Jerry. And we get.

[B]

She's great, too, by the way.

[A]

She's awesome. And also legitimately the nicest person in the entire world.

[B]

So you guys just had a blast together.

[A]

Oh, it was so much fun.

[D]

And.

[A]

And. And, yeah, it was great. And also, a lot of our stuff is, you know, we get the. We get the funny stuff, so it was easy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, and we. We aid Paula in the unraveling of this crazy, kooky mystery with this webcam boy, and it's tons of fun.

[B]

And then what's going on with White Lotus?

[A]

How was that so much fun? It's a. It's ridiculous to be. I feel. I mean, it's just insane where we're shooting in. I'm in New York right now. I just got back, but I'm going back in a week or so. A week plus. But we've been in France having the best time ever. And that whole cast, including your. Your buddy Max, is just, like, incredible. Everyone is so nice, and it's a total trip. It's because, you know, you.

[D]

You.

[A]

You stay at the hotel that you shoot at, and you. It's very. It's. It's Ridiculous. It's ridiculous. So. It's so, so, so much fun. Very, very grateful to be. To be doing that one. And I think this season, I think people are really going to like, this season. It's. It's pretty awesome.

[B]

Charlie, what was your way into the game? What was the first big gig? What was the jump? Because you're having a big moment now, my man.

[A]

Thank you.

[E]

What.

[A]

What was my way in? I did. I made a web. So I was. I played basketball in a lot growing up, and I loved basketball, and I kind of was set on playing basketball professionally, not in the NBA, but, like, you know, overseas or something.

[B]

And then even in high school, that was cut. You were like, I'm probably not gonna make the pros, but I'm happy to go to Russia.

[A]

I think in high school, I probably was like, maybe I'll make the pros. And then. And then. And then I got to college, and I was like, oh, everyone here is better than me. And then it was, you know. Yeah, I'm hope. Hopefully I. I can play in, you know. How good in Russia?

[B]

How good were you senior year of high school?

[A]

I mean, I wasn't that good. I. I felt. I mean, I was. I was good. Like, I was, you know, good enough to be recruited for colleges, but there's. I mean, there is real true levels to this. Like, it's not like I was a player that anyone knew about in any real fashion, but I was. I was good for a solid, like, probably. I wonder what I averaged my. My senior year. I was probably, like, 20 and 20 and eight, maybe. 20 and eight, give or take.

[C]

Good Lord.

[A]

18 and eight, maybe. Yeah, but no, you know, and then. But then I'd go up against, like, you know, Lonzo Ball or something from Chino Hills, and he would, like, have, like, 80 points in five minutes, and I'd be like, all right. Yeah, I think it's. You know, I'm gonna go play.

[B]

That guy's good.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

I love really tall. That guy's really tall and really fast, and then does that weird thing where he never misses whenever he shoots. So that feels like it's a good combo of stuff, but. Yeah.

[B]

So, Alonzo, you should play basketball more.

[C]

You should pursue this acting, but you should pursue this.

[A]

I told all three ball brothers, you guys should take this seriously.

[B]

You told the dad, you should get in the shoe game, brother.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I. So, yeah, I play. I played basketball.

[B]

Then.

[A]

I had. But I was wanting to maybe play overseas, and then I had back surgery. My sought the end of sophomore year. And so I was like, okay, maybe there's a world where this isn't plausible for me anymore. I got to do some other stuff. And I always liked comedy. And so I was kind of starting to write, like, sports comedy and doing random stuff. And then I wrote this little YouTube web series with my buddy Jack Price, and we really, because we didn't want to pay anyone to be in it. I was just like, I'll, I'll do it and I'll be the guy in the thing. And we talked. So I did it, and I loved the experience of that. And then we tossed it on YouTube and it was lucky enough to get some traction. And that's kind of how I got representation and went out on my first couple auditions from that. Yeah, so I came to it pretty late.

[B]

And that was early 20s.

[A]

Yeah, that was probably, yeah, 21 or so.

[B]

That's. Well, that's nice to know as a father of 12 year olds. I could start at 21 and work.

[A]

They could start at 21 and work. Or they can be in the NBA.

[B]

Let's take this call. Charlie, thank you for joining us, everybody. Check out Maximum pleasure guaranteed. It's on apple right now.

[C]

Hey, everybody, we just want to remind you, if you want to watch new episodes of we're here to help. It drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved.

[B]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Momentous. What's something you thought you were doing right for your health but weren't like you getting enough fiber? When did you realize not getting enough fiber was actually affecting you more than you thought? This is a real thing. I got high cholesterol, so I have actually been deep in the game of getting more fiber, eating less eggs and red meat. So momentous is something that I do mess with in my new experiment to lower this cholesterol before I got to get on statins for the rest of my goddamn life. It actually tastes really good. It's gonna be a lot of fiber. Nearly 90 people in this world aren't getting enough fiber. Modern diets and busy lifestyles make it really hard to get enough consistently. So momentous makes it really easy. Support your gut health and overall performance with Momentous Fiber plus and get up to 35 off your first [e-mail] that's L I v e M o m e n t o u.com promo code here to help. That's live Momentous promo code here to help for up to 35% off live Momentous.com promo code here to help.

[C]

And we're brought to you by Booking.com why not get it ridiculously right? Booking.com helps you get it ridiculously right so you can find exactly what you are booking for. There's something for everyone, even for those impossible to please. So whether you're booking for yourself, your partner, your picky teens, your sleep tight rise early mom, you're Jake Johnson who insists on a porcelain chimp that he can probably eat Captain Crunch out of. You can find exactly what you're booking

[B]

for if you want to book something. A hotel room, let's say, you know, look, there's, there's a little bit of rumble of going out and surprising old Steve Berg in Omaha. Be a one day trip. It'd be a fly in on a Saturday, hang out a Saturday night and fly home on a Sunday. And yeah, I could stay on Berg's couch. But honest to God, at my age and who I am as a person, I'll just go to the booking.com app and I'd get a room near him and I'm going to tell you why. Sure, sleepovers are fine, but at a certain age I don't want to do the couch. I'd rather spend the 150 bucks. 135 dollars. Go to booking.com and get exactly what I want and then at about midnight be like, fellas, I'm out. This was amazing. Find exactly what you're booking [e-mail] booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by booking.com booking.com helps you get it ridiculously right so you can find exactly what you're booking for. Gman, you're on the road constantly. The hotel you're in. Did the show book it or did you book it using booking.com?

[C]

you know what I've been doing, Jake, is I have to switch hotels so often that I started asking the clubs if they'll just give me a buyout and then I'll find a hotel that's in between the places. I'll go to booking.com I'll find a place that is kind of equidistant and I get a couple nights in the same hotel. They couldn't make it easier.

[B]

Well, I've got a question for the audience here. June 19, is that the date for the believe so Steve Live show in Omaha. We got people in the Midwest who are nearby who go, I want to take a little trip and see something. But where would I stay? Well, go to booking.com because it makes it easy to find a hotel or a holiday home. That's just, that's not just generically right or right for somebody, but ridiculously right for you.

[C]

Well, also Omaha, a fantastic city surrounded by fantastic. I don't know why you said things you, Steve, but. So you just live there. But it, there's. You could get vacation rentals. You could turn it into a few days. I mean, who knows?

[B]

Hey, Steve, if people come to Omaha for this little trip and they book on booking.com and they turn it into a three day thing, what are a few things they should do besides see you guys live?

[C]

Well, obviously we have the best zoo in the country.

[A]

In the world.

[B]

I think maybe find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app.

[E]

Hi.

[C]

Hi, how are you?

[D]

I'm all right, how are you?

[C]

Great, thanks. Can we get your name, please?

[D]

Yeah, I'm going to go with Jude.

[C]

Going to go with Jude. Jude, where are you calling from?

[D]

Potentially, I am calling from Toronto in good old Canada.

[C]

Okay. And Jude, we got a good one for you because you're on for the maximum pleasure guaranteed calls. And we have the great Charlie hall who is joining us on this one. So we're in a good spot. Jude. Charlie, meet Jude. It's not her real name, but I don't know.

[A]

Jude, it's amazing to meet you. It's absolutely fantastic to meet you.

[C]

Would you give Charlie your real name, Jude, or you're still going to. It doesn't matter.

[D]

I'm going to. Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

All right. So I am calling in because I am somebody who is chronically late. I am never on time for anything really. It's like anything, appointments, social commitments, jobs. I just can't get a handle on it. And I know a lot of people say, oh, you know, you can't be on time. It must be because you don't care. But I care a whole lot and I try really hard, but somehow something always stops me from being on time. I often sleep through my alarms, things like that, but even when I don't, something always gets in the way. So I wanted your guys's help because I've already tried a lot of the obvious solutions. For one, I've tried bed shaker alarms, light alarms.

[C]

I've tried bed shaker alarms.

[B]

Thank you for asking.

[C]

What's this technology.

[D]

It's like a little. Basically like a little vibrating device that you put under your mattress and then it vibrates your bed.

[B]

I don't think that's too. I don't think that's to wake you up, Jude.

[D]

Yeah, yeah,

[B]

in here. That's a different device.

[C]

That's the Mormon soaking vibrator, I believe. Jude.

[B]

The Mormon soaking.

[E]

All right, I'm.

[C]

I'm passing judgment already, but keep going, Jude.

[D]

Fair enough. But I. I've tried a lot of the obvious solutions. I've tried setting alarms 15, five minutes before I leave the house. You know, and I've also. I feel like I am more likely to stick to a solution if it makes me laugh. So I thought that you guys might be able to help me because I'm kind of at a loss here, and I'm moving into a more, like, professional time in my life, and I really

[B]

need to get a handle on time. Jude, how old are you?

[D]

I am 23.

[B]

23. So you're still a kid. Charlie, first thoughts on this? When you're taking this all in, where's your head at?

[A]

Well, I got a couple of questions. Jude, so you. When it's not sleeping through the alarm, what are. What are like, just a few other obstacles for getting out of the house on top. Like, is it like you're getting. It's taking. You're taking a while to get ready. You're getting like you're scrolling on your phone. What do we. What are we doing?

[D]

Usually it's just that there is something that just takes longer than I expected to. I don't have, like, a great grasp usually on how long tasks actually take. So things end up taking longer than I expect them to, or I'll be, you know, ready to leave the house, and all of a sudden it's like, I can't find my keys. I can't find this important thing. I can't find my transit card. Whatever it is. It's usually just something pops up.

[B]

I'm gonna get. I gotta get a little harsh for a little bit here. And the Tom Coughlin or Jake, the audience isn't gonna be happy with this, but we just gotta get to the center of this. So, Jude, when you say you care a lot, but you're always late, what level of is that?

[D]

It does make me really anxious to be late, especially if it's something important like an appointment or. I mean, I don't know, like a friend I haven't seen in a long time. So it does make me really Anxious.

[B]

Well, I gotta tell you, lateness drives me crazy.

[C]

When you're late or when someone's gonna.

[B]

When somebody else said both.

[C]

Fear, infuriating.

[B]

It is if someone's like, hey, let's meet at 10. And you're like scrambling to get parking. You get there, you're like, it's 1002. I got here. And then you get a text saying, like, on my way.

[C]

You're like, that's what I hate. I hate the text when it's like, I'm already here.

[B]

I came at the time we discussed.

[C]

Yeah, we pre arranged.

[A]

Are you Jude? Are you. And I guess this is neither here nor there, but it gives. But I think it's important context. When you're late and you finally show up, are you. Are you very apologetic about, like, are you repenting kind of like immediately?

[D]

Yeah, I definitely am showing up being like, I am so sorry. It doesn't help that, like, the transit in my city tends to be not super reliable. So, like, often it's things like that too. But I do always show up like, I'm so sorry.

[B]

This is. No, I can't. I can't get in. I can't go down this road. I don't care about the sars. And I'm going to tell you why. Charlie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just watched Love is Blind Poland. I don't know if you guys like that franchise in other countries, but I refuse to watch them here in the States. But the idea of watching a dating show where they can't see each other in other countries is as entertaining as it gets.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I just started Love is Blind Japan. The hosts are out of control. They're way too many jokes and everybody's nervous. And I'm like, well, culturally we are really different. But that's not what this is about.

[C]

It's might become that, but go ahead.

[B]

By the way, it is Love is Blind in other countries is fascinating.

[A]

Yeah, it sounds like it would be. I. I buy it.

[B]

I highly recommend watch.

[C]

Maximum Pleasure guaranteed.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Poland.

[C]

Yeah. But now, unfortunately.

[B]

So you try to watch Love is Blind in the States. You watch a couple, you go, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. It's like, we're from Ohio. I'm like, put a bullet in my head. I hate this. You got a couple of kids from Warsaw and they're.

[A]

Then when they all said, you can't look away, Charlie.

[B]

And then when they go, now it's time to visit the families. And it's a group of people sitting outdoors. I'm like, this is how you. What. In what world is this incredible, incredible television? But one of the things one of the women says in it is. She's like, no more words. I need action. And so this. I'm late, but I'm apologetic. Couldn't care less if somebody's late all the time and they go like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. It's like. Then get here 30 minutes early.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Tom Coughlin, he would tell everyone five minutes earlier, you're late. I mean, that was just the way.

[B]

So, Jude, here's what I would say. Sorry for your tone. I. I am old enough to be your dad and I am being too harsh on you. I have to remember, you're 23. That tone made.

[D]

You know what? I knew exactly how you were going to react to this. I'm not.

[B]

Do you want me to pull back? You want to hear Charlie and Gareth first?

[D]

I mean, I'm. I'm open to whatever. I understand the harsh.

[B]

We know where I'm going to go. Let's see if Charlie and Gareth have a sweeter. Maybe we can get a little bit more with sugar right now.

[A]

Well, I. I'm still Gareth.

[D]

You.

[C]

You.

[D]

You.

[A]

You go. Because I'm still formulating. I've got things brewing.

[C]

I. I am. I am a. I guess I'm jake with a little bit of water. I. I hear what you're saying, and I know people like you, but this is a. This is your situation. You have to manage it. We have these agreed clocks that we all live by. And maybe it doesn't feel selfish to you because you have excuses for yourself, but it reads as selfish, so you've got to find a way to just break through that. So I'm just going to give you a couple of pitches here real quick before we unleash the Hulk on you.

[B]

You know who Gareth is, Charlie? Vinnie Johnson, the microwave. He's just a shooter. He eats up fast.

[A]

Listen, love it. Just absolutely love it.

[C]

But some games. I am ice cold, but this is what I'm going to say. First thing you're going to do is you're going to set out all the things you need for the morning, the night before. You're going to put them all on the counter. You're going to put your keys where you see them. I do this, like, if I have to get up early in a hotel, if I have a 6:00am flight, and I, like, do morning me a favor. I set out all the things I need. They're right there. So you're going to put your keys, whatever, like your thermos, whatever the fuck you have in Toronto that you drink out of, I believe it is thermos is legally. You're gonna set all those things out on your counter. You're gonna have them there. Your clothes. You're gonna do what you know, mom used to do for us when you were a kid. You're gonna set out your clothes for the morning. You're gonna have that there.

[B]

My mother didn't do that.

[C]

Stop. You're gonna set your alarm for an hour earlier. And I know that seems extreme, but you need it. And if you could start moving it more to like 40 minutes earlier, that's fine. And then at the end of this call, Jake, Charlie and I are gonna create an audio file for you where we're gonna yell at you and guilt you for 30 seconds. And as soon as you get up and you want to hit the snooze, instead of doing that, you're going to press play on this audio file and you're going to listen to three reasonable, rational people who have agreed on times, and you're going to see how it feels and we're going to guilt you out of bed.

[B]

So the main pitch on that, that I got Gareth, which I really loved, was you have to, Jude, if you do this the night before, and I'm talking about every single thing you do for a while, you have to lay out your plans as if you're your own mommy and you're a baby.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Charlie, what are you thinking?

[A]

I love everything that's been said. And if you have a here's what I would do. Although I guess this only works for social situation, this doesn't really work professionally. But if you really wanted to get, get a little crazy with it and you really, you don't want to be late ever again, if I were you, I would, in a moment of bravery, I would tell a close friend of

[B]

yours, lie to me.

[A]

Three to five thing. Three to five really true, deep, dark secrets. Oh my God. Okay, okay. Like something like some, something that, something that, that you trust them with, that you do you, that you don't want anyone else to know. And it's as simple as you give them the permission. Anytime you are late to a social something, they are going to tell someone one of those secrets. And yeah, I got a news for you. You won't be late.

[B]

By the way. I agree with this and I can all be late.

[A]

I think you have to build in building in a moment of like being brave. You have to Build in some sort of shame, say, like, system so that. So that. So that it's.

[B]

I love this.

[A]

No, there's no longer an option. Like, it's like it's either be on time or everyone knows about that thing you did.

[B]

Can I heighten this just as a show producer right now, let me take my host hat off.

[A]

Go.

[B]

Jude, if this is something you're interested in doing that I'm going to need you to tell us your real name, which we will beep out in the moment and tell us some real things about you, which we will beep out in the moment, but the audience will hear us react to them. Then you're gonna have to follow up with us in an integrity code. And if you are late, we are gonna reveal on air and follow ups one of the things at a time. And you're gonna be honest because if you're late and a liar at 23. What's your future here, kid? Pick one. You can't be both.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I know the trains might not run on time in Toronto, but imagine the stuff that we're gonna unleash. I think this is.

[B]

This would then be right now if. If you agree, you say your name, the audience hears beep. Then you go three things that you don't want the world to know. And you know, Jude, we've got audience members in Thailand. We got a guy in Greenland. Somebody in Greenland will go like this.

[D]

Whoa.

[B]

That's a big secret.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Embarrassing for you.

[C]

We do that a lot here. Have you watched Love is Blind Greenland, by the way?

[B]

I'll watch that.

[E]

Literally.

[B]

I would stop this podcast to watch that. If they had that terrible reveal. And then here's. So I think Charlie's is the best personally, but here's mine. But I do think Charlie's is better, Jude. And I'm going try to say this nice. What I would do is punish yourself over punishing everybody in your life. You have to get everywhere. Let's say, what time does your job start?

[D]

I'm currently unemployed, so.

[B]

Makes sense. So. But when you have to get somewhere. What time? Like let's say that you have like a. You're late for something. Let's say it's 8:15, right? Your friend goes like, let's meet at the bar at 8:15. On your phone you put 7:45.

[A]

That's good too. I was thinking that you have to

[B]

be 30 minutes before everybody else and sit there until they get there, because that's what everybody feels. You're there, you're ready to Socialize. And you're just waiting and jst and waiting, and you go, oh, this is what it feels like. And then when they pop in, they go, oh, how long have you been here? You go, don't worry about it. And they go, I'm sorry, I was like, two minutes late. And you have to do. Don't worry about. They go, the trains are so slow, and you have to hear the excuses, but you're like, my butt's a little tingly from sitting. And you'll see. You like people less when they're late. The interactions are fine. But you go, like, I just like you less.

[C]

Well, the thing is that all the things we're saying, the Jake and I pitches, are to get you ahead of the Charlie pitch. So we're giving you techniques to not have the Charlie pitch. You don't want the Charlie pitch because we're gonna unleash your weirdo secrets. We're gonna find them out by not.

[B]

Or we might not.

[C]

Or we might not. If you start to employ the tactics that we've laid out, it could work.

[A]

You know what else you could do? You know what else you could do that. That it's. This is kind of piggybacking off of what Jake just said is you could have. You could text all your friends, like, in a big group chat and just be like, hey, guys, I'm trying to. I'm trying to be on. I'm trying to be on more on time. Any plan you invite me to, please tell me it's. It's 30 minutes or so.

[C]

That.

[A]

So that. Because the thing about, like, you know, if you have dinner at 8:15 and you put in your calendar, it's at 7:45. The thing is that deep down, you know it's at 8:15. But if you never even are privy to what time things actually are and you're being told that there, it's then killing yours, Charlie. So. So I would also do. I would also implore you to everyone in your life, family, friends.

[B]

Can I put on a producer? Can I put on a producer hat, please? What I would like to do, if that's possible, is send a text to everybody on your phone right now. We could pen one together and you just send it to all your. All your contacts. Go ahead.

[C]

And if we are going to do that, I want. Also on there, they have to eat. One of them has to email the show. One of these contacts. We could have a person, our point person. Yeah. Who tells us 1984, if Jude drops the ball. Yeah. Big brother.

[A]

Big sister.

[B]

Because we don't want each other.

[C]

We don't want your. Well, I don't know. All of them ranting on each other. You're getting excited.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

But.

[C]

But let's have a point person in Jude's life that reaches out to us. If Jude blows it. If Jude's late, then we unfurl a secret.

[B]

This is right. Hey, Jude, let's hear you talk for a little bit. Where you at?

[D]

So, lot of good pitches. My biggest issue is that, honestly, I'm not really a person with a lot of secrets. So I'm like, kind of racking my brain and I don't know that there's a lot that I have going on that I wouldn't want people to know.

[C]

All right, here's the deal. We're gonna bleep out that part. We're not gonna use it, and we're gonna make up some shit.

[B]

No, we're not, Garrett.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

See you later.

[B]

What world do you live in, Gareth? We've done 300 of these. That's the wor.

[C]

We're gonna have 299.

[B]

Guys, we're not doing. We're not doing a gag fest. It's got to be real or we're not doing it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

By the way, that's sick that you don't have that many secrets.

[C]

It's not real.

[B]

She. At 23 years old, she's got some secrets.

[C]

Yeah. She pees in the shower. There's something.

[D]

No, I'm not. I'm not secret about that.

[C]

You pee in the shower.

[B]

Yeah, but Jude, hold on. We're not going down there. That's not what this is.

[A]

So, Jude, that's not what this is.

[B]

I'm like, look, we all piss in the shower. Jude has real secrets. And if we're gonna do this and we're gonna change somebody for being late, we gotta get real now. Because I don't think you're getting real. This whole thing. My issue with this call is we're not getting real. I'm late, but I care a lot. But I don't know why. I'm white, but I'm late to everything. But I do care. I have anxiety about it, but I'm late. I have no secrets. The you talking about? You're 23 years old. You have no secrets.

[C]

You got a vibrate in bed, for God's sake.

[B]

At 23 years old. I had one time. That's exactly right. She's got a vibrator in her bed. But we have no.

[C]

She thinks that's normal. It might just be where your goal posts live.

[B]

Yeah. So, Jude, now you tell us a little bit. We've given you some pitches. Where are you at? What do you think you're gonna do? And then we could pitch on that because I think the secrets. Things do work. I think the telling everybody in your life to lie to you because you don't have a job. We don't have to go to bosses. Yeah, but we need to mess with your sense of time or you mess with it yourself. And you get some places so early that you're sitting on your ass.

[D]

Yeah. I definitely think that Carly's like, note about asking other people to lie to me about the time. I do think that that is really helpful because I do find that, like, I will try to tell myself that things are earlier, but in the back of my head, I know what time they actually are. And so it makes. It makes it hard. And I. I think that's definitely a good idea. I. I think that. I think that people in my life are very used to my tendencies, and I think that they would be willing to do that.

[B]

Okay, so we can definitely do that. That's really nice.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Really fast now. And I don't want any. We got to get real now. Everything's going to get beeped out. What is your real name? First and last.

[D]

My first and last?

[B]

Yeah, we have your email, so we do know. But what is your real name?

[D]

It's

[B]

okay. And obviously, Jesse, beep this out. And where are you. Where are you from? Okay. And where did you go to college? Great. Where did you go to high school? Okay, Jesse, you gotta beep all this out. And who was your first love interest? Your first partner?

[D]

I'm still with my first girlfriend.

[B]

Oh, when did you guys first get together?

[D]

When we were 16.

[B]

You've been together since you were 16? Very cool. Have you ever. Have you ever stepped outside of the relationship?

[D]

No.

[B]

Who's your biggest crush that your girlfriend doesn't know about?

[D]

Oh, that would have to be you.

[B]

Oh, this is gonna get beeped out.

[D]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

And what's her. What's her name? What's her last name? And how close did you ever get to crossing a line?

[D]

Not close. She never knew.

[B]

Okay, but how serious were you? And if she started going towards you a little bit, what would you have done? I think that's fair. Yeah, that makes sense. What's one thing? If you're really honest, and we will for sure beep this out. I promise you that. What's one Thing you really don't like about your partner. I. I promise you we'll beep this out on my honor.

[D]

I think the only thing that I don't like is.

[B]

All right, that sucks. You think you and her are in it for the long haul?

[D]

I think so.

[B]

Do we need anything else, Charlie? Do we need anything else, Gareth?

[C]

I mean the only thing there that if we wanted to push the accountability is that if she doesn't step up, we reach out to.

[B]

So now Jude. Yeah, we've got some stuff.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

By the way, can we just.

[B]

I believe this is. I believe this is how Scientology.

[A]

I was about to say this is unbelievable.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But I think this is how Scientology works.

[C]

Your girlfriends, this impressive person.

[B]

I believe they do this and then when you're like man, I just really sold a lot. They're now like now you got to clean the boat but I got to

[C]

go to you sign a billion billion year deal to go on a boat.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Now we'll see you at our Malibu complex every week for the next 20 years.

[B]

So Jude, just to now get into it. You have my word all of that is going to get beeped out. So now you know, Jude, you are in a safe place with us. We will never sell you out for the show. But now we got to talk about accountability.

[D]

Okay

[B]

so how do we. Who can we be in touch with in your life that we could reach out to to know who could check on you or are you an honest person? How do we do this?

[D]

I think that I'm a pretty honest person, but I could, I could also I probably be my girlfriend. Although I could see her maybe lying for me.

[B]

So by the way you said tells me romantic and you're an honest person. I think we could trust you on this.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I think we could do a thing where for each time you're late we release a tiny bit of information. Information. Okay so maybe even first half of the first name on the first. Because look, you're not going to be perfect. You could have four or five screw ups. I'm not looking for perfection. 23 year old kid. Let's get this figured out by 25.

[C]

I mean he's right in the sense that if you really want to change this is we. There is a plan. There's now a plan. So.

[B]

But it's up to you. We could also go if you want idea which I really love. So now Jude go to you. You take over, you talk. What do you want us to do? We have now some real options.

[D]

Yeah, I feel like I Feel like the idea of like releasing a little bit of information, I feel like that's a good idea. I think that the also like reaching out to people in my life and like asking them to lie to me about the time, I think that's also a good idea. I feel like some combination of those two could.

[C]

Well, they can both exist.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Let's put together a big group text. Maybe just what do we think the closest five people in your life. How many friends do you have that you see regularly?

[D]

I have like a group of like three that I see often. And then I have a group of like six that I see often. So I've kind of like two different groups.

[B]

Let's send one to each group.

[C]

Yep. Same text.

[B]

Charlie, you want to start the text. You want to just say it out loud? Jude, you want to start writing it. Tell us when you're ready and then we can do a couple passes on this. Then we're going to send it on this. And as a backup. Just know we always have these secrets.

[E]

No.

[D]

All right.

[B]

And you're gonna follow up with us. Jude, we are a little harsh. We do care. We're gonna fix this. You're 23, you're very young. This is the time to do this. But this can't be something you do in your late 20s. It'll you up in life.

[D]

Yeah, I want this to be a

[B]

habit, but it's going to take some time. There's going to be some screw ups, but we're going to fix this. Sorry. So, Charlie, when you're ready.

[A]

Yeah, I'm thinking something like this. I'm thinking like, hey, blank, you know, whoever the people are, I'm. I'm turning a new leaf, period.

[B]

I like this.

[A]

It's time. It's time for me to never be late again, period. But for me to do that, I'm gonna need your help. Colon, Anytime, any time, you invite me anywhere from this point on, please give me a fake time that is, that is 30 to 45 minutes. Oh, earlier than the actual.

[B]

No, take away the 30 to 45, Charlie. And say you pick love, but always different.

[A]

Yep. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[B]

So that Jude can't figure it out.

[A]

In fact, in fact, in fact, you should say in. In fact, comma, in fact, comma, sprinkle in the real time occasionally.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

So that I'm.

[A]

Keep me, keep me, keep me on my toes so that I start showing up on time. Period. I'm so sorry for all the times I've been late, but it ends today.

[B]

My Uncles Charlie, Gareth, and Jake are on my ass. We will get this fixed.

[C]

Did you guys know I had a vibrating bed?

[B]

But that's another thing about that. In two months. What do you think of that as a text, Jude?

[D]

I think that's good. I didn't get all of it, but I got most of it.

[B]

Okay, so take. Take a second, write your text, and then we're going to have to wrap up, but then we're going to have you read it back to us. And then you got to pay the toll. And the toll is send us a screen grab of when you've sent us to your people. And then we would love to see some responses and we'll post those if that's okay. We'll knock off everybody's name, though.

[C]

We could even on the. For the. Paying the bill. We could even have one of her friends join us and we will reveal the secret to. She could reveal a secret to a friend if we wanted.

[B]

That's true. That's if she's late.

[A]

If she's late.

[C]

But she won't because she has no clue when anything is. She's living in a Bermuda Triangle. Clocks are spinning like compasses, but it's

[B]

gonna hopefully get so crazy for her that she's like, please tell me the real time. I swear to God, I've earned this.

[A]

This.

[C]

Someone's going to tell her Monday instead of Tuesday.

[B]

All right, so whenever you're ready, Jude, let us know what you got and then at the end, hit send and then we're going to send you on your way and then just pay the toll and send us a photo of it.

[D]

All right, I'm not going to send the text on the call just because I'm on my phone, but I will send it.

[E]

Right.

[B]

Thank you for your honesty. I also think you're a very honest person and I appreciate that.

[A]

Yeah, I do, too.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

Yep. That's one thing I got going for me.

[C]

I got a lot going for you.

[B]

You got a lot going.

[C]

You're doing great. Time wise, you're a total train wreck, but outside of that, you seem to

[E]

be a real thing.

[B]

All right, Whenever the time would say now.

[C]

We're actually a little late on set.

[B]

We're gonna need you to show up kind of now. Time by Vibes I'm gonna.

[D]

I. I have it. I have it figured out. I'm just gonna read you guys what I've. What I've got in.

[B]

Okay, so let's start three minutes ago. Yeah.

[C]

All right. Yeah, whatever you can.

[D]

All right. I'VE got. Let me read it to you guys. I'm good.

[C]

We understand how this will work. Let's go.

[D]

Okay. So I said, hey, guys, I'm turning a new leaf. It's time for me to never be late again. But for me to do this, I need your help. When you invite me somewhere, tell me a fake time that is earlier by 10 to 40 minutes, your choice than the actual time. I'm sorry that I've been late in the past, but that ends today. My uncles Jake, Charlie and Gareth are really on my ass about this. They're holding me accountable. That's what I've got.

[A]

That's great. I love it either too.

[B]

I think you're in a golden zone.

[C]

Yep. And we're gonna send that to one group, copy it, send it to the other group.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

This is great. All right.

[D]

Thank you so much, guys.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Good job.

[C]

Well done.

[A]

Jude, you're awesome.

[C]

Yeah, you are.

[D]

You guys are awesome. I will absolutely follow up with you guys.

[B]

All right. Thanks, bud.

[D]

Thanks so much.

[B]

Bye. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Wayfair. I bought a robot vacuum on that cleans itself. It's a self cleaning robot vacuum and I love it. The thing goes around, vacuums the floor, then takes itself home to its little portal. I'm a fan of it. Wayfair's got everything you want. It's got outdoor seating, grills. It's got outdoor furniture. Over 20 million 5 stars reviews.

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[E]

Hello?

[C]

Hey, what's your name, my man?

[E]

My name is Paul.

[C]

Hey, Paul. Where are you calling from, Paul?

[E]

I'm calling from the greater Philadelphia area.

[C]

Sure. How old are you, Paul?

[D]

Mid-40s.

[B]

Paul.

[C]

What do you do for work?

[E]

I am a mailman.

[C]

Awesome. Hell yeah. Paul, have you in your downtime when you're not carrying mail, have you had a chance to watch the show Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed streaming now on Apple?

[E]

I have not.

[C]

Did you know about it?

[E]

Should I? Yeah, I have not. This is the first time I'm hearing about it.

[B]

This is what I'm saying, Charlie.

[C]

Paul, you've got Jake Johnson, show regular. And you've got Charlie hall food.

[B]

Paul listens to the podcast too, also

[C]

star of Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed. So it's on Apple, you're gonna watch it. Charlie's joining us. Jake is here. But listen, I mean, I, I don't know what to tell you, but tell people about it. We're trying to get the word out there.

[E]

Okay, you're gonna do a call.

[C]

Yeah. You're gonna like it.

[E]

All right, all right, all right. Thank you very much. I'm looking forward to it. All right, well, you, you asked me for my profession and that's actually an important part of the phone call.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

I have an issue on my mailman route with a very sweet old lady. Okay. So, yeah, we're gonna get your minds out of the gutter. It's nothing like that. But could be, it could be. But this, this sweet old lady, she has been gradually giving me food. Okay. Coming out and giving me food. It started very small, very nice pieces of fresh made pie or cake, by the way. Yes.

[C]

Not small. Small as an apple.

[E]

Hold on.

[B]

It gets worse.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

I mean, it's all about perspective.

[C]

Sure.

[E]

So, so now she. Then one Day came out and handed me an entire spaghetti and meatball.

[C]

D. Holy. This is not to bring shocking, but

[E]

honestly, complete with garlic bread and a little. Little Tupperware full of like, little Tupperware full of like, grated parmesan to put on top.

[D]

Incredible.

[B]

Incredible is right.

[E]

That was the. The. The. The next was a full meal of stuffed peppers.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[E]

And the coup d' etat was just a couple.

[D]

Just.

[E]

Just last week was a full steak dinner with baked potato and scallops.

[B]

With scallops. How old is this woman?

[E]

If I had to venture a guess, it would have to be at least in the 70s, maybe even a little

[C]

bit older than that, buddy boy.

[A]

And wait, I. I'm sorry, what. What. What's the problem here?

[E]

Oh, well, the problem here is it does. It does seem kind of awesome, but, like, it's too much, right? It's. It's just. It's too much. I. I'm not the type of person that. That receives gifts very well. I. I'm not a big. I'm not a big. I'm not a big fan of it.

[B]

I don't wanted spaghetti meatballs from a strange lady at my work.

[E]

Yeah, I don't.

[B]

I'm with. I think it's really sweet, but I don't want it.

[E]

Yeah, I mean, it's very, very sweet. It's very thoughtful. My guess is she. She probably has a larger family and she's used to cooking for a lot of people. It's just her and her husband now. Her husband waves. Waves at me from the doorway as she's handing me dinner.

[C]

Sometimes this guy's never eaten that poison, is he?

[E]

So what I will say, though, is. What I will say is I am a bit of an oversharer myself with my information. And right before she gave me the spaghetti dinner, I had informed her about some changes in my personal life, which I probably should not have shared, and. And told her that I had started living on my own.

[A]

So you go.

[B]

Hold on, Paul. Paul, hold on.

[E]

Yes, sure.

[B]

We need. We need all the context now. So where do you.

[D]

Where.

[B]

Where is this.

[E]

What do you mean, where is this?

[B]

Like, where do you work? What state are you in? Where's your Philly?

[E]

I'm in. I'm in the. Great. I'm in the greater Philly area. Yep.

[B]

Okay. And so this older woman is on your route. How long have you been on this route?

[D]

Route?

[E]

I've been on this route for three years. I was out for about a year. Came back in early February from an Achilles tendon tear. And it's been, it's been since then.

[B]

So since. Okay, so when you came back, she's feeding you to get you strong again. She did. Did she feed you before the injury?

[E]

She would always come out and say, hi, bring me a bottle of water, maybe some candy. So if you want to say that was starting small, that's fine. But nothing like, like, like nothing like this. Whereas pieces of fresh made pie or cake or anything that.

[C]

And certainly not steak scallops.

[B]

But post injury, let's give sweet old lady a name.

[E]

Let's call her Janelle.

[B]

Janelle. So post injury, Janelle has really started stepping up her game.

[E]

Correct.

[B]

Okay. And what have you told Janelle about your injury, your time off, your personal life? It sounds like maybe you went through a divorce. Is that accurate?

[E]

That. That is correct? Yeah. I'm going through. I'm going through divorce right now.

[B]

Moved out of my house. Let me ask you a question.

[E]

Sure.

[B]

Why on God's great earth did you tell Janelle about the divorce?

[E]

I didn't tell her about the divorce, but I did tell her I was living on my own.

[B]

Why on God's great earth did you do that? If my mailman, great question came to me and said, hey, man, I'm living on my own. I'm going through a separation. Out going this. Okay,

[E]

no, you're 100. Right. The problem is there is context. So thank you very much, Jake. The context is that she asked me how my Easter was. Okay.

[B]

Okay, fine.

[E]

So you're right. I should. And again, I'm going to go back to the point I made earlier, is that I'm a bit of an overshare.

[B]

Okay. Understand.

[A]

Which, by the way, I can I just say is I think that. Paul, that can be endearing. So I.

[B]

Okay, I. You don't mind it Overshare.

[A]

I mean, I, I mean, you know, you shouldn't, you shouldn't. You should have said your Easter was just. You had a good Easter, but It was great.

[E]

100 you.

[B]

How was yours?

[A]

But, but unfortunately for me to change that, you know.

[B]

Okay, I understand. I agree. So. You're right. But.

[E]

You're right.

[B]

But I needed to live in the past a little bit to get like

[A]

the cut of your jet. Paul, I like you.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

You're a Charlie guy. Okay, so now we get a little bit of context. You overshared with Janelle. You tugged on her heartstrings a little bit. She thinks you are great. She loves you as your male person. She's sad for you.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And so her way of showing love is to fill your stomach up with meats?

[E]

Yes, Yes.

[B]

I. I got a pitch trick. We need to lie and tell her you fell in love. And Paul, you're happy, you're fed, you living great. So you start going there with a big smile and a little skip and she goes. When she hands you feud, you go. Thank you. I'll be sure to tell Jennifer that you did this. Who's Jennifer? My new love. And she's just perfect for me.

[A]

Charlie, I'm convinced that's gonna stop the food delivered. I'm not convinced that's. I don't. I.

[B]

Maybe it is.

[A]

Maybe it is. Maybe you're right.

[B]

Maybe wrong though. But what are you thinking?

[A]

Well, let me tell you, I love the idea of lying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

It's always great.

[A]

It's always good. I've always said it. You can never go wrong lying all the time.

[C]

We lie a lot on this show.

[E]

Yeah, I.

[A]

It's a great.

[E]

It's a great lie and it's definitely something I considered. I'm not the best at lying, so I. I do avoid it. Plus though, as a side, I'm not like there is a backup person who, who covers my day off, who may not. Who. If she speaks with him as well. He would have. I'm afraid he would not be able to corroborate that lie all the time.

[B]

So you, everybody.

[D]

Paul.

[E]

Well, I mean he's a closer co. Worker and going through a similar thing. I shouldn't have thought about it. Okay, now I got it.

[A]

Now I get it.

[B]

Okay, now I get it.

[A]

What if you lied about. Could you lie about. Is there a food centric lie as opposed to a like. Like that would directly inhibit.

[C]

Like what.

[A]

What. What could. What would happen in someone's life where they would no longer be allowed to accept Ozempic Her. Well, but then they would. Isn't the idea that they could.

[E]

They.

[A]

You can eat whatever you want when you're. Isn't that like.

[B]

No, I think with Ozempic, you're not hungry at all.

[C]

He's gonna have to start dropping some pounds though, to corroborate that one.

[B]

Okay, Paul, let me just say this. And I don't love it and it's not going to be right, but maybe it's going to get us somewhere. But I'm saying I know it's not this because I don't want to hurt Janelle's feelings, but maybe this is a seed that's going to grow into something. Tell Her. You got food poisoning from one of her dishes. I was just thinking that when she gives it to you, you go like this. Thank you. I would miss one day of work where she goes like, well, where were you yesterday? And go like, I got food poisoning from the meatloaf.

[C]

What?

[B]

You go, no. But Janelle, there's no part of me that is upset. First of all, it tasted delicious, but I'm gonna have to. My boss said that I can no longer accept any food dishes because I did miss a day of work from opening the canister from the back end and the front end.

[A]

So what if you did? Could you do exactly that without. Could you do the back half of that without the. Is there any world where you could lie and say that? Company wide mandate. We cannot accept things from. We can't.

[E]

We. We can't because it's actually something that is, is. It's. I mean, you, I'm sure you guys don't know, but there's actually a very public what mailman and mailman can and can't take.

[B]

And what is the rule?

[D]

So.

[C]

Yeah, what's the rule?

[E]

Well, the rule is that we can take. We can take any, any gift as long as it's not a monetary value of up to $20.

[B]

Well, guess what? Spaghetti and meatballs. You talk about the restaurant, brother. You're talking 24.95. You can economy on the restaurant. Hey, Janelle's is the finest Italian place in Philly, baby.

[A]

Me, you're have to take off that

[E]

garlic bread that bring it back down.

[C]

Sticking to there. You don't think you lie to this old woman.

[B]

Paul's a real guy. Paul's a real guy.

[E]

It's. It's only because I'm on a recorded line, my friend.

[C]

Recorded line.

[A]

Paul, I, I really like you.

[B]

I'm liking Paul, too.

[A]

I do, too. I don't. I, I. This is hard.

[B]

Actually, it's hard because we don't want to.

[E]

The food poisoning thing. I understand. That's a good idea, Jay. Like, I'm afraid I'm gonna break her heart.

[B]

I don't want that to happen.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

How does it, how does it work when you, when she finds you, how does it work that she knows you're at her place?

[E]

That's actually very funny. There's a little funny part there. So as I mentioned, my backup earlier, so he. It's a part of my route where I'm driving up to the house in the mailboxes, on the street, so I don't even get out of my Truck for her, for her house. Right. But one day, my backup actually had seen her at the top of her driveway waiting for the. Waiting for him to come up to her house. And once she realized he was the person coming up, delivering the mail away, she definitely stalked her head, had a bag of something, and went back in the house, would not give it to him.

[C]

So she's literally outside waiting with the bag. I got a fun pitch. I'm gonna pitch you a fun.

[E]

I'm a professional, so I get there around the same time every day, you know?

[B]

Yeah, you do. Hey, I would like you to talk to our previous caller about that. All right.

[C]

What if we, for fun, make a game out of this for you where you have a little disguise, you cover yourself up with, like, a wig, a hat, some sunglasses, maybe, like, a cane that you walk with so that you're throwing her off the scent. And maybe you show up a little bit later, maybe you delay your route a little bit, and the game is now you're trying to get it so that she can't tell it's you.

[E]

That I like. That I like.

[A]

I mean, that's unbelievable.

[B]

That's unbelievable.

[C]

Yeah, I'm shy too.

[A]

I don't find that to be a realistic solution. But.

[B]

But I tell you the same way. But he's not either.

[E]

But if he's not realistic, it. It's not. Well, I like it because I have a long. You know, I have a long beard. I can shave. She would never know it's me after

[B]

I shave with glasses. Interesting.

[E]

Yeah. Put on some sunglasses.

[A]

Kind of fun.

[B]

I would also love a GoPro.

[C]

I want. I want you holding the phone, filming, being like, all right, she's there, but she went inside.

[A]

Oh, that's funny.

[E]

We are just kicking the can down. Down the alley, though, with that, aren't we? True.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

She will catch on to me eventually, right?

[A]

I have a question.

[C]

What?

[A]

Sure. What time of day. What time of day do you usually get to her place?

[E]

Great question. It is actually in the last 10 minutes. 10 to 15 minutes of my route, which is. Which is perfect time for dinner.

[B]

Yes. Interesting. Paul, I got a question. Can I.

[A]

Okay, so is there a world. Where is her food? Not good. Charlie.

[B]

He doesn't want food. Charlie wants to eat the food I want to eat.

[A]

Well, I want to. I wonder if you could. I wonder if you could record request, like, if she. Because she clearly gets some sort of fulfillment out of giving you these little gifts of food. So I'm wondering if you're okay. So I wonder if we could. Because you want to scratch the. Cuz I honestly do think, like, the way, the way this was first sort of posited, like, getting, like, a little slice of pie from an old lady and you're a mailman, like, there's worse problems in the world. But I do think, like, when it's, when we get to the spaghetti, meatball, steak, scallop dinners, then it becomes, like, insanity, of course. So I wonder if there's a world where you can kind of direct what she's making. You can tell her, hey, you know, I, I, I love, like, this thing, and it's something that you would actually. It's maybe a small, It's a little bit. You know, I, I just wonder if there's a way you can do this without hurting anyone's feelings where you're, you actually still are receiving something, but it's something that is manageable.

[C]

I like that. And I would say that's a great option if you want to go the crazy route on that one. What you do is you go online and find some of the most complicated recipes you can find, and you start handing her those and going, like, that'd be good for tomorrow. And start making her be like, I've overfed this app. Now it's showing up in ways that

[B]

I don't even going, janelle, stop it.

[C]

Yeah. Her husband's going, like, what are you doing? You don't know how to. But she's going, I got to stay up late because the mailman's coming tomorrow and he's expecting sushi rolls.

[B]

That's. Let me. I think there's something to that. Paul, can I ask a personal question? Is your mother alive?

[E]

She is, but she lives in the Chicagoland area.

[B]

Does. Have you told Janelle about that?

[E]

That my mom is alive and doesn't live near me?

[B]

Yes.

[E]

No.

[B]

Okay, great. Here's what I would possibly say next time she gives it to you. Say, oh, my God, that spaghetti you gave me yesterday was so great. This falafel, I can't believe it. And you go, but, Janelle, this has to be the last. And she'll go, why? And you go, can I be honest? And I'm really embarrassed to admit this. She goes, yeah. And you go, my mother's getting jealous. And she goes, what? And you laugh with her. And she goes, why? And you go, because I came home, she had made some food for me, and I told her I was already full, and I think she thinks I like your food better. So I can't take it anymore. Because the truth is, I think I do like your food better than my mom's, and it's driving her crazy, so. You are the greatest. I appreciate you. Can I give you a big hug? But this has to be the end. We have to watch out for my mom's feelings together. And then every time you see her, you go, I wish I could be eating that spaghetti.

[A]

I don't mind that.

[C]

I don't either.

[B]

Single white female. Your mom is a crazy, jealous lady.

[E]

I think that's a good idea. I think that. I think every idea is getting a little bit more crazier than just saying I'm falling in love with somebody else and some woman is. Is in my life making me better. I think we're gonna have to go back to the easy one at this point.

[C]

Point.

[B]

Okay, so. So, Paul, we're at the point of the show now. Tell us what you're gonna do.

[E]

Sure. So next time that Janelle comes out and brings me some dinner, I'm gonna just happily accept it. Not gonna say anything at the time. The next day, when I, of course, return the Tupperware that I hand washed to bring back to her, I'm gonna tell her how delicious it was. Tell her that my girlfriend, who is. Started showing up in my life and has been around, had some of it with me and very much enjoyed it as well, too. And that that next night, her and I are. She invited me over to her house to make me dinner at her. At my girlfriend's house.

[B]

I like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't want to talk past the close. What he said did I just. I know he doesn't want to go crazy, but he did just open up a crazier solution to this, which is you don't return the Tupperware anymore. And you just keep saying you forgot and you starve her out of Tupperware.

[B]

You talked past the clothes.

[E]

Not bad.

[C]

I did.

[D]

Paul.

[B]

Paul, are you gonna do the girlfriend thing?

[E]

I am. I am. I'm gonna do the girlfriend thing.

[B]

Will you do us a favor and will you try to record to pay the toll that interaction with her, at least the audio?

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

The answer is yes, Paul, you will, because that's what you get for the advice. Do we. While we have Charlie here, Jake, do we want to have Charlie Janelle it up with Paul just to get maybe the forceful nature of a rehearsal out of the way. So real quick, Paul, you're going to be you. You're breaking it off with Janelle. You've got the girlfriend, Charlie. You will be Janelle, the woman who seems to have an addiction to feeding ball steak and scallops. All right, so you're walking up. Here we are. Janelle's waiting there with a bag of crazy shit. Go for it.

[A]

Oh, Paul, I'm so happy to see you delivering my mail today. It's me, Janelle. And also here I have for you a delicious four huge cheeseburgers. Here you go. I made these for you.

[E]

Thank you. Thank you very much, Chanel. You're. You're too kind, you know, I greatly appreciate it. This is. This is great. I have my girlfriend coming over tonight, so.

[A]

Girlfriend.

[E]

I'll definitely. Yes, yes. I met someone new. I've been out on a couple days. Very well, her. Thank you very much for asking. Her name is Jennifer. She's very nice.

[B]

Very.

[E]

A very nice person. I'm having a great time, and it's definitely going very well.

[A]

That's amazing. Great. Well, I can't. So I gotta make. So I gotta make more food now that I'm feeding too.

[E]

No, no, luckily. Luckily, Jennifer is a great cook. She actually invited me over to her house for dinner tomorrow night. Very excited. First I'm going over to her place and, you know, first time that she's gonna make me some dinner. And I should not have shared that information, but the. The. I'm very excited about it. And, yeah, everything's going really well. So I really appreciate the meal and thank you very much. But

[A]

if she's making food, then I guess I don't have to make you food anymore. I'm so happy.

[C]

Janelle has you in an arm bar and a chokehold. I mean, at some point, Paul, you have to say the tough thing, which is the thing. You can't just be standing there talking about how in love you are. And now Janelle's doubling the order. You gotta pull the trigger. Your hope is what? This is everything to this woman.

[E]

My. My hope is that the. The. The idea of having a girlfriend is enough. I don't have to actually tell her

[B]

no, you know, Paul, you don't live in reality, brother. You got it.

[C]

You ain't in the greater Philadelphia area.

[A]

You're inevitably. So there's. There's no need. You have to say, there's no need for the food anymore. She's a great cook. She's a good cook.

[B]

But thank you so much. I've really enjoyed it.

[C]

Over.

[B]

It's over. Over.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

So do. Do that really fast, Paul. Just say the harsh thing so we can hear you say it.

[E]

Janelle, it's very sweet. Thank you very much. You're so kind. I really appreciate this. You know, I have been seeing somebody and have been spending my, my dinner time plans with. With a new. A new girlfriend of mine. We have been word economy, babe.

[B]

We're gonna start over. Just actually standing off. Paul, thank you.

[E]

I have a. I do have a, A new woman in my life and we've been spending a lot of time together at dinner time. So I appreciate. I. I do not need new to keep giving me dinners anymore. I really appreciate it, though.

[B]

Once more, really sweet, really firm. Let's see if we can get it without the stumble so Janelle doesn't get confused. Whenever you're ready.

[E]

Okay. Thank you, Janelle.

[D]

It's.

[E]

It's very kind and very sweet that you keep doing this. I do. I've been. I do have a new girlfriend and we've been spending our dinnertime plans together. So I really appreciate this, but I really don't need you to be giving me full, full meals anymore. Thank you very much.

[B]

Let's go again, Janelle. I don't need these meals anymore, but thank you. I've got a new girlfriend and we eat together, but I appreciate it, but the meals have to stop now.

[E]

Chanel, thank you very much for the meals. I do have to ask them to end right now. I do have a girlfriend and we've been spending our dinnertime meals together and I really appreciate it, but they do have to end at this point.

[B]

Perfect. One more time. Janelle. I don't want your food and fuck off. Let's just hear you say it just to have it.

[E]

I am not just to hear you say, no, I can't do that. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to draw a line at Jake.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I love it. I love it.

[B]

I love it too.

[C]

You want it, Paul, this is exactly what we want in mail carriers.

[B]

You are the best. Take video and follow up. Charlie, thank you for joining our show.

[C]

Thank you, Charlie.

[A]

And then thank you guys for having me.

[B]

Do you have Apple? The television network? Apple?

[E]

No, but I will happily sign up for it. For, for the show. Absolutely.

[C]

You're going to.

[E]

Thank you, Charlie, for your help.

[C]

That's part of the tab for this one. Paul, you're going to get Apple. You're going to watch the show. Maximum pleasure, guaranteed. You're also on your walk up, because I can see you bumbling this and saying, I wasn't able to the walk up. You're hitting record. So before anything happens, you're hitting record. We don't care if there's a little fat up top, a little fat at the end. I don't want you stumbling with your ph and dropping it in a bag of enchiladas for no reason. Okay?

[E]

I'll be pausing. Maximum pleasure guaranteed. Switching to the recording device on my phone and then recording the recording.

[A]

You're a pro, dude. He's a pro.

[C]

I wouldn't go that far, but. But maybe we'll get one out of you, Paul.

[B]

Thanks, everybody.

[E]

Thank you very much, guys.

[B]

Thanks, Charlie.

[C]

Thanks, Charlie. Bye, y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Appreciate you guys. Super fun.

[E]

Bye.

[B]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[A]

We're Here to Help is produced by

[C]

Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Holland, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[A]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[C]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[B]

That was a headgum podcast.

[C]

Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and Alexa,

[D]

AKA the popcorn Queen and King.

[B]

Hey, guys.

[C]

We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you showed our family. As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey. And that journey has really inspired us

[B]

to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[E]

That's right.

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The foundation helps transplant families with everyday

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expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important healing. Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load.

[B]

If you'd like to support our mission,

[C]

you can learn more or donate at a R a n a krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being such an incredible community.

[B]

And thank you for always being there to help.

[C]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[E]

Sterling K. Brown.

[A]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was

[B]

us now on Headgum.

[C]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[D]

This is us.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonn in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[A]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[C]

A whole lot.

[B]

That's what I'm hoping, man.

[C]

Listen to that.

[B]

Was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.

[C]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[B]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[C]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast. A new show coming to coming to.

[B]

That's what it is.

[C]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[B]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[C]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, A new show coming to Headgum soon. Woohoo.

[B]

I've learned a Jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute to.

[C]

Apparently there's only so much butthole you can take. We're going to take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best spits, bad behavior and even worst decisions. All of it. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions.

[A]

Jeff. I've noticed that every every so often

[C]

with guests like Spike Jones.

[B]

I think let's commit to Jackass the podcast.

[C]

What was it going to be called? The Jackass Podcast. Jackass Podcast.

[B]

Without you, the IQ drops significantly.

[C]

Steve O.

[B]

There's a strong chance that were it not for Jackass, that I would be in clown makeup.

[C]

Right this Chris Ponus.

[B]

That shot of your butt just cruising up. I'm like, yeah, I got that on tv. God bless us.

[C]

Dave England.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you come in and you're being

[C]

really nice, I'm like, damn it.

[A]

Something bad's going to happen to me.

[C]

We man.

[B]

Jeff grabbed me from the back of the head and threw a punch.

[E]

The whole bar just stopped and wanted

[B]

to kill me, like.

[C]

And some of the crew that's been been with us from the beginning.

[B]

I had to share a room with this guy.

[E]

I left a nice surprise in the

[C]

toilet for him every time. Apparently he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts.

[B]

Our new episodes drop on June 18th. Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday.

[C]

Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow. Follow along with us on Instagram and TikTok@jackassthepodcast. What were we just talking about? Probably buttholes.