300: 300th Episode Special Pt 1: 7x A Day and Gen-Italia

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help

Episode 300: 300th Episode Special Pt 1: 7x a Day and Gen-Italia

Host: Headgum (Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds)
Release Date: June 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this milestone 300th episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds celebrate the longevity of We're Here to Help with a live, community-driven show full of familiar faces, callback stories, and a blend of absurd comedy and genuine advice. The duo dives into the most memorable calls from the show's history, tackles new and returning listener problems, and showcases the supportive, interconnected community that's grown around the show. The episode stands out for its signature irreverence, frank (often bodily) humor, and moments of real warmth.

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Main Segments & Key Moments

1. 300th Episode Reflections & Fan Community

Timestamps: [02:02]–[06:41]

• Jake and Gareth share favorite memories from the podcast, including bizarre listener stories ("the guy who got his boss the ostrich tickets in Solvang," "Tree Jim," etc.).
• Deep appreciation is given to their growing audience, with thanks for "sticking with us" as the show spread to new platforms like Hulu and back-catalog drops on YouTube.
  • "People have been coming up and just saying day one... it's starting to really spread. We're feeling it." – Jake [04:44]
• Headgum sends the hosts a celebratory gift bag of cheese (mostly Parmesan), which inspires both gratitude and mild gastrointestinal anxiety.

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2. CALL #1: Nick/Backdoor Boy — The Poop Saga Continues

Timestamps: [10:25]–[26:28] and [59:42]–[62:32]

Background & Recap:

Nick, a returning caller from Utah, previously sought advice for a "poopy towel" after daily sauna visits. The hosts famously suggested a Brazilian wax to help with hygiene, which led to some community backlash urging him to see a doctor.

Follow-Up:

• Nick updates the hosts: waxing improved the situation, and he's made it part of his routine, but now he has a new, bigger concern: frequent bowel movements at work (up to 7 times a day).

  • "How many times in a day?... probably like seven." – Nick [16:39]
  • "What the fuck are you talking about, guy?" – Gareth [16:46]

• Nick describes splitting his trips between two workplace bathrooms to avoid drawing attention.

• Jake and Gareth shift from playful banter to real concern, strongly urging Nick to consult a medical professional:

  • "Seven poops on average a day is shocking." – Gareth [19:24]
  • “This is fate, Nick.” – Jake [19:23]

Resolution, Part 1:

• Nick is literally in the hospital parking lot (his wife just had their baby), and the hosts implore him to walk inside and speak to a nurse before calling back. He agrees.

Resolution, Part 2: (After the break)

• Nick reports back: The nurse reassured him ("yeah, it just sounds like you just poop a lot") and advised him to discuss it with his primary doctor, as there seemed to be no urgent symptoms aside from frequency.
• The hosts, and the live chat, remain a bit incredulous ("I can't believe. I think you just went up to a regular person. I don't think that was a nurse." – Gareth [61:55]), but are ultimately relieved that Nick took actionable steps.

Notable Quotes:

• “I love waxing my butthole. It’s great.” – Nick [12:49]
• “Wax in my hole seems like merch.” – Jake [13:59]

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3. CALL #2: Jessica (Gen-Italia) – Getting Her Groove Back Through Ink

Timestamps: [29:43]–[45:24]

Context:

Jessica from Toronto wants help reigniting her “spark” after the loss of her father, Nicola, a beloved Italian barber. She requests the hosts help design a commemorative tattoo—“not on the genitalia, please.”

Discussion:

• The hosts have fun with her request, brainstorming heartfelt and silly tattoo ideas:

  • “We get a bowl of spaghetti... spell out Nicola and the O’s are meatballs.” – Gareth [36:08]
  • Banter about spelling, meatballs, hearts, and honoring her dad without it being weirdly intimate ("No Lady and the Tramp stuff").

• Jessica shares her dad called her “Poopy.” This, predictably, leads to further poopy jokes but also cements a warm, personal angle to the story.

• The final pitch: A tattoo with Nicola’s name spelled out in spaghetti, with the O as a meatball, possibly within a heart—symbolizing love and Italian heritage. Jessica commits to the idea.

Advice & Impact:

• Jake reframes the tattoo as a “turning point” for Jessica’s grieving journey:

  • "The second that's tattooed on you, the mourning is over... The tattoo is turning the light on. You’re not allowed to mourn after." – Jake [42:39]

• Jessica is moved and agrees to send progress photos. The hosts reflect on the healing power of ritual, humor, and community.

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4. Lightning & Rapid-Fire Rounds

Timestamps: [45:31]–[54:13]

Multiple callers and community updates in quick succession:

Basement Bar Naming

• Jared from Alabama, who bought a fixer-upper with a basement bar previously used for colonics. Needs a name.
  • “Sweet Hole Alabama” is the winning bar name, a playful nod to the space's past.
  • “Once they had their third drink: ‘this whole thing’s full of poop ghosts!’” – Gareth [49:17]

Nail-Biting Couple

• Caller needs a solution for her and her girlfriend’s nail-biting habit.
  • Jake: "Put dog s*** on your fingers." [51:36]
  • Gareth: Use nail clippers, and if caught biting, the other has to bite your nails—making it so gross you'll quit.
  • The caller opts for Gareth’s solution.

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5. Community Kidney Saga & Foundation Update

Timestamps: [54:13]–[59:19]

• Whitney and Alexon (“Popcorn Queen & King”) update the hosts on ongoing kidney donation stories and the launch of the new Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation, inspired by earlier episodes.
• Listeners have stepped up as kidney donors; the group is coordinating organ chains and a new foundation, complete with a website and sponsor (“non-alcoholic beer so people with no kidneys can still drink at the bar”).
  • "That's a crazy thing to hear." – Gareth [58:07]
  • A commemorative hat will be given to anyone who donates a kidney: “the nostrils are kidneys.”

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6. ADHD & Listener Correction Segment

Timestamps: [62:39]–[64:12]

• A listener submits a voicemail suggesting a previous caller who struggles with punctuality and sleep likely has undiagnosed ADHD, emphasizing the show sometimes encounters genuinely clinical problems disguised as quirks.
  • “Sometimes your problems are, like, super arbitrary and that's great. But other times... this person genuinely needs help, and it would actually benefit their lives.”

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Notable Quotes & Running Jokes

• “Wax in my hole seems like merch.” – Jake [13:59]
• “Seven poops on average a day is shocking.” – Gareth [19:24]
• “Sweet Hole Alabama” is declared the best possible bar name for a former colonic clinic. [48:51]
• “No Lady and the Tramp with your dad!” – Jake [36:47]
• “You don’t want to mourn after; you’re back.” – Jake, on using tattoos as a ritual marker for healing. [43:00]
• Running "poop" jokes, Italian dad nostalgia, and repeated callbacks to listeners' previous appearances.

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Episode Structure

• Warm-Up/Reflect: Celebrating past episodes, riffing on podcast fame, thanking their audience.
• Call-in Advice: Mix of comedic and genuine response, moving from old listeners' updates to new unique calls.
• Live Community: Recurring characters/callers, Patreon and live chat engagement, updating ongoing stories (e.g., kidney donations).
• Lightning Round: Concise rapid-fire advice and creative solutions.
• Fan Corrections: Welcoming feedback and medical/mental-health perspectives from listeners.
• Callbacks & Banter: Frequent references to earlier episodes, in-jokes, and listener-submitted memes.

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Conclusion & Takeaways

• The 300th special underlines We're Here to Help's dual nature as anarchic comedy and sincere problem-solving/advice—bolstered by a deeply invested, recurring listener base.
• The episode transitions seamlessly from the absurd (butthole waxing) to the outright poignant (meaningful memorial tattoos, real organ donations spurred by the show).
• The hosts' authenticity, running gags, and willingness to laugh at themselves and their community's weirdness are evident throughout.
• The closing theme: Community is king, and sometimes the best help comes wrapped in irreverence.

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For listeners new and old, this episode is a perfect snapshot of the show’s heart: a blend of chaos, camaraderie, and community—where even the strangest problems are met with warmth, wit, and (occasionally) a genuinely useful answer.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgun podcast.

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And more.

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[A]

And we are back. 300, 300, 300 episodes. This is it.

[C]

Favorite call of all time. Yeah.

[A]

You got one?

[C]

No.

[A]

So many memories are popping in right now.

[C]

Yeah, I'll say early. The guy who got his boss the ostrich tickets in Solvang. Yes. The good guy, great guy call.

[A]

That was a great new one. You know, just recently, the guy from Alabama.

[C]

Which one is that?

[A]

Married to my brother.

[D]

My.

[A]

My sister.

[E]

Ah.

[A]

My wife. My new girlfriend.

[C]

Just.

[A]

That was a banger.

[C]

Yep.

[E]

Tree.

[A]

What was his name? Tree Jim.

[C]

Oh, God, yeah. Tree Jack or whatever.

[A]

The guy.

[C]

The jumping guy. Yeah.

[A]

Also so many great guests. As I'm sitting here, I'm remembering different people.

[C]

Well, you know, I was talking about how like I was, you know, peeing in my yard.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And my girlfriend was like, what is with this yard peeing? And I was like, Jake, Ty and I all talked about how much we like to pee in the yard. Like we connected strongly on yard peeing. You feel like your energy backed off of that?

[A]

No, I was just going to ask a different question. I want the truth. You masturbate outside?

[C]

No. What do you.

[A]

I'm asking a real question.

[C]

What. What if I. I'm going to.

[F]

You told.

[A]

You've told people in this show that you masturbate in your car?

[C]

No, I. No, no, no.

[A]

We have it on record.

[C]

I would or something. I don't think I said I. Natalie.

[G]

What?

[C]

Have I masturbated in the car?

[A]

Didn't he talk about how he masturbates in his car?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

You love it and you have a thing. Yes. So now how about being honest brother?

[C]

I guess.

[A]

And he had like a curtain and I was like. And then he was saying it like we should relate. Carjacking.

[C]

Yeah. No. Never jacked off outside you.

[A]

But you've jacked off in cars.

[C]

Apparently off in trains.

[H]

Like what.

[F]

What ground?

[A]

Well, where have you masturbated?

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

We're inappropriate

[A]

sinner to find inappropriate.

[C]

So I know a carjack her.

[A]

I know a train masturbator when I

[C]

see you train stub.

[A]

She's been ever anything on wheels. This kid's masturbating.

[C]

I do the Johnny Cash song. I've heard everywhere. But it's about jacking.

[A]

Object everywhere.

[C]

Object everywhere.

[A]

We're going to take a couple of calls.

[C]

Y.

[A]

We're going to have a little bit of fun. Thank.

[C]

Oh, should we open whatever's in the paper bag from Head Gun. But thank you everybody who's joined us. You know what?

[A]

That's what we haven't done in a little bit. Thank the community for sticking with us.

[C]

No, it's. Well, you were just talking about how you're. You're starting to feel the love out in public a little bit.

[A]

People have been coming up and just saying day one.

[C]

Yep. Very nice.

[A]

It's starting to really spread. We're feeling it. I think Hulu's been a fun partner. Being back on YouTube's been fun. Slow, but fun.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Patreon is always Jake. I'm just giving a little secret love. Okay, Cut that from main shield only for them. No, it's exciting, man. It's been a really.

[C]

And we've got a lot of great Patreon stuff coming your way, but. No, it's. And by the way, there's a follow up coming that I think you're gonna really enjoy.

[A]

Is it the little boy?

[C]

I'm not gonna answer that. Yeah. Okay. We've got a post cat postcard.

[A]

He's kind of obvious today.

[C]

Come on. Come on.

[A]

I don't know what's going on.

[C]

There's just Natalie sighing at both of us somehow.

[A]

What? I wasn't doing anything. She did nothing.

[C]

Don't defend her. If you and I are aligned for once. Come on.

[E]

No, don't leave.

[C]

Jake and Gareth, Congratulations on your 300th episode of We're Here to Help. We're so proud and hope you can enjoy the cheese. Up to you if you want to eat. Or Parmesan the floor with it. Love, Katie, Anya, Ally, your friends at

[A]

Head Gum, they gave us a bunch of cheese.

[C]

I think they gave us cheese. By the way. Door tits.

[A]

Door tits.

[C]

Real hard people. Yeah, that's two things of Parmesan. Three things apart. Three different types of parm. Not wrapped, not sealed. I'll say that.

[A]

So either we put it up for display or it's a giveaway.

[C]

I'll have one. You want one?

[F]

Yeah, sure.

[C]

Amy, you ready?

[A]

And then should we. Yeah, should we? Nice catch, Amy. Are you an athlete?

[F]

I was.

[A]

What'd you play?

[C]

You don't want one? Jake? Cheese, Jesse.

[A]

That's cool.

[G]

I ran a little bit and I played a little bit of soccer, but mainly this. Smells not great.

[C]

Yeah, it doesn't smell great.

[G]

No.

[C]

That's 300.

[A]

Without further ado, everybody, check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early and there's also back catalog episodes.

[C]

That's right. So we're here to help. Is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. Just join us. Let's go.

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[C]

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[E]

Hey, guys, how's it going?

[A]

It's going great. How about you?

[E]

It's going good. It's going real good.

[C]

Good.

[A]

Can we get your name, please?

[E]

My name is Nick.

[D]

Nick.

[A]

Where are you calling from, Nick?

[E]

I am calling from the great state of Utah.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Nick, we haven't talked to you, have we?

[E]

You have.

[A]

Oh, this is a followup.

[E]

This is a followup. My close friends call me a backdoor boy.

[A]

Yeah, you're. You're butthole shave. Is that right?

[E]

Yep.

[A]

Nick, really fast. To those listening new or out of order, walk us through what your problem was, what we pitched, what you did. We know the main fans know, but guys, there's new people all the time, so. Nick, take over, buddy.

[E]

Yeah, so I. I had a problem where I was going to the sauna a lot, and I would have. That wasn't the problem on my towel.

[C]

Right. The problem was you had a poopy towel when you left the sauna for some reason.

[E]

Yeah. And. And you guys pitched for me to get a Brazilian.

[A]

What else did we do? Yeah, hold on, Nick, what else did we pitch? Do you remember? Was there anything before we got to Brazilian or did we get there pretty fast? It is the right pitch.

[C]

Well, I will say I remember after this call, the flooding of comments of. He should go to a doctor. A lot of doctors pitch doctor. What's wrong with you, too?

[A]

And so. That is. Right, Nick. So. Well, first of all, did you go to a doctor ever?

[E]

No.

[C]

Good.

[A]

Good. You went to two doctors.

[E]

I might be part of this call.

[A]

Oh, no. Is this bad?

[C]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

All right, so hold on. So before we get to it, Nikki, you waxed your butt and it fixed the problem for a while, correct?

[C]

You and I waxed our. Our bottoms.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

We're getting to you in a second, big boy.

[E]

So not together. Even though I wanted to, but.

[A]

And then it was. Remember you were asking questions of what you say to the person while waxing. Do you remember that stuff?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I do.

[A]

And then you wanted to say, I have a wife or something. Yeah.

[C]

He wanted to make it very clear for him, this is not sexual. Which only makes it seem more sexualized. Have you in Utah.

[A]

It's crazy.

[C]

I have a wife.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I have five wives.

[A]

Have you waxed since?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, I've. I've been waxing. That's kind of become part of my.

[A]

I love this part of my norm.

[E]

I love it. I love waxing my butthole. It's great. Hey, Gary, the actual act of waxing, it but having a waxed butthole.

[C]

All right, hold on.

[H]

Let's.

[A]

Let's live on the show for it. Let's live for a second. Okay, what do you love about it?

[E]

I mean, it's just. It's just hygienic. It's clean. It's. It solves the original problem.

[A]

That's true. You wax the front, brother.

[E]

I do not.

[A]

Oh, so you're just going too scared for that? Respect. Gareth, where are you at with your waxing, brother?

[C]

It's one and done. I want to go back. I thought about it recently, but how

[A]

come you have it?

[C]

It's quite an experience.

[A]

It hurts.

[C]

It hurts. It not only hurts, it's. Talk about being a baby boy. I mean, that is a full on. You are. You know, it's just a very strange. Yeah. And it's like, you know, a doctor. The upside is. Is stronger. It's just the first time I went there, Natalie called me in like a fever dream and was like, you. You need to go sit. And I was like, oh, my God. And we, like, looked online. I mean, I went from just being at home regular, like a half hour later, this woman had wax in my hole. And so it was. It moved quick.

[A]

Wax in my hole seems like merch. This or this woman in the same kind of hat as this. This woman had wax in my hole. Feels like merch that I would wear on a plane.

[C]

I'm fine with that.

[A]

And so you got yours and you haven't since. Are you fully grown back?

[C]

Well, I trim still, but the. The. You know.

[A]

You trim the back now.

[C]

We don't trim the back.

[A]

You're just trimming the front bush.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

How often are you neighbors?

[F]

See?

[A]

What neighbors?

[C]

I'm just saying the, you know, people for the front. The front yard gets trimmed up.

[A]

Respect.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

How's that back?

[C]

Yeah, letting it grow a little bit.

[A]

Attaboy. Some weeds, 70s W. Yeah. I had a boy, Nick. We're off to a really bad start, my man.

[E]

Oh, that's all right.

[A]

This is a really bad start.

[C]

I mean, I said wow, 30 times during mine.

[A]

How often are you working on the back there? How often you waxing, brother?

[E]

I'm getting it done every few months, sometimes more often, but sometimes I. I let it grow out a little bit

[A]

more than I'd want, so that's cool as hell. So you seem to have an issue. Are you calling in with just an update or you got something, my king?

[E]

A little bit of both. Okay, so you want me to jump into it?

[A]

Yeah, it's not you. I was probing. I was probing.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But now I think it's time.

[C]

No, I do.

[A]

You've been doing great.

[C]

Been a good catch up.

[A]

Great catch up.

[C]

I'm just hoping things are okay.

[A]

Me too.

[E]

So the. The original issue was that I would go. I used to go to the sauna, like every day. And so that's where this. This kind of popped up, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What a nightmare that happened every day.

[E]

And I. So that was through my. My old job that I would. We would go have meetings in the sauna. Well, I. I no longer work there. I found another job.

[H]

Good.

[E]

And so I don't go to the sauna as much, but I am realizing that, you know, I am pooping a lot.

[A]

Yeah. So. All right now, Nick. I hear you, brother. This is a hospital. Well, no, keep going, Nick.

[E]

So at my new job, there are two bathrooms and I get embarrassed by how many times I have to walk in front of people's office to go to the bathroom. So I split my time between the two bathrooms so they don't notice.

[H]

What?

[C]

So they're far. The bathrooms are far apart from each other, right?

[E]

Yeah. I walk in front of like different people's offices to get to each bathroom. So, you know, it's. It's split in half.

[C]

And. And you're going. You're making these walks exclusively for Deuces.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah. And it's. I'm going quite a bit. And then number to add to it.

[A]

How many times in a day?

[C]

How many times in a day? Average.

[A]

It's important.

[I]

I don't know.

[E]

I should have been more probably like seven.

[C]

What the fuck are you talking about, guy?

[A]

Stop.

[C]

Hold on.

[E]

Maybe even more rapid care.

[A]

Now, Nick, listen to me.

[H]

Now.

[A]

We did not listen to the commenters and the emails literal nurses wrote to us doctors angry. And they said, what you're doing is irresponsible with the butthole. Yeah, I wrote back, I disagree.

[C]

Well, and we. Even at the beginning of this call, we thought this was a victory laugh.

[A]

Yes. But Nick, I now disagree with us.

[C]

Nick. Seven.

[E]

Can I add. Can I add one more thing to this?

[A]

If you say anything about blood, just gonna say, yeah.

[C]

If there's gonna be any color stuff we don't want to hear, they get

[A]

your ass to the house that it's just a pivot.

[C]

That's just.

[A]

What is it?

[E]

Nothing about blood. Nothing about blood. This is actually. The timing of this couldn't be better because I'm actually hitting my rock bot. I hit my rock bottom this week. I'M actually, I'm sitting in a parking lot of a hospital right now because my wife just delivered our second kid a few days ago.

[A]

Congrats.

[C]

You got a.

[F]

And it.

[E]

And it kind of happened sudden and right when she said, like it's. Right when the nurses said, it's go time, I had to take a.

[A]

Okay, so right when it was go

[E]

time, we were getting ready, I ran into the bathroom and.

[A]

And went, hey, Nick, you're in the parking lot right now, brother.

[E]

I'm in the parking lot. My wife is watching on Patreon with our baby in the hospital.

[A]

Congratulations. You too now, Nick.

[E]

I appreciate it.

[A]

Nick, I need you to do something. Are you. Are you able to walk around with the phone?

[E]

I am, yeah.

[A]

Walk into the hospital, keep us on.

[C]

Jake's gonna morpheus.

[A]

You're gonna. You're gonna talk to the. One of the nurses. We're gonna get that thing checked out.

[C]

This is the right call, Nick.

[A]

This time.

[H]

But do we want his new problem or you just.

[C]

You know there's a new problem?

[F]

He has an actual new problem.

[A]

No, his new problem is.

[C]

Is there's more. Seven times. How does he pick different bathrooms seven times a day?

[A]

Hey, to Nick's white. Nick, what is your wife's name and what's the new baby's name?

[E]

Well, Nick is an anonymous. A fake name.

[A]

So then I'm going to say to Nick's wife, Heather, who. You know who you are. I want you to press the little button. Nurses button.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Say my husband's coming. I need you to check it out.

[C]

Yeah, there's another birth.

[A]

Eight dumps a day. And it used to leave stains everywhere. Then he called these and they told him to wax his butthole.

[C]

And then he's fine.

[A]

Now the other guy wags his butthole too, for some reason.

[C]

Now he feels a kinship. And he won't go to a real doctor even though he's at a hospital.

[A]

We gotta.

[J]

We're here.

[A]

This is fate, Nick.

[C]

I. I agree. Nick, I think it is worth. They're gonna tell you what we're telling you, which is that is an astronomically not okay. Number one, seven poops on average a day is shocking.

[A]

Now, Nick, like that.

[C]

Maybe you go out the night before, you have nachos and margaritas, the next day you show up. All right, you know what? It's a rough day. Every day, seven. Don't look at me like that. We're on the same team here, doctor. But seven times a day.

[A]

Nick, I hate to ask.

[C]

Go ahead.

[A]

What's the problem today?

[E]

Well, I. Yeah, I guess it's just like. You know, honestly, it's. I. It's just my life. It's been my life for years. I mean, there were times where it was worse. Like, there was a time where it would. Where it was, like, more urgent. Poops. But now it's all under control. I make it to the bathroom every single time.

[C]

That's not. That's not a winner's circle statement, friend.

[A]

You got something going on.

[C]

Making it to the shitter is not. That's not.

[E]

Hey.

[C]

Killing it. Talking about control.

[H]

You guys on the pooping anymore?

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right. Natalie's jumping in. Nick.

[F]

He's got to go to a doctor.

[C]

Yeah.

[H]

Nick, do you want to tell us about your dad or not?

[A]

Oh, the dad's another thing.

[H]

He had an actual. This always happens to me.

[C]

Nick, what is it?

[A]

Natalie's getting mad at you. What did you email about your dad first?

[C]

First thing. Go to see a doctor about the seven shits a day. It's not okay. What's the problem?

[E]

Well, I mean, that. That one would be. I. I have another issue with my dad that I wanted to pivot to, and it was just, you know, maybe this is more important.

[A]

I gotta say it is. So here's what it is. I hear you. I can't. I need you.

[C]

My dad's always rolling his eyes when I keep running up the stairs to poop. He's got a real attitude.

[A]

I need you to go to the hospital right now and talk to somebody. And you got to pay the toll and you got to record it. Yeah, I think you do it right now on speaker one.

[C]

I agree. I think pay the toll right now. Okay. What is the dad problem? And we'll tell you if it trumps what you got going on.

[H]

Trumpet.

[C]

Okay?

[E]

So I promise you. I promise you, it doesn't.

[C]

All right, so, Nick, you're at the hospital. Do us a favor, stay on the phone with us. Just walk into the hospital right now, find a nurse or a doctor or.

[A]

Or literally go talk to someone, then call us back. What do you prefer? But, Nick, I need you to go tell that somebody who's professional there. What's going on with your body?

[E]

I don't know if my wife wants me. Nick pulled up, pulled into the ER room.

[A]

She does.

[C]

Nick.

[A]

Shut up, you shit.

[C]

Seven times a day you brought uncle.

[H]

I mean, the Patreon's all telling him to go.

[E]

Can I throw out something? And I came into this call with a possible solution.

[C]

I don't think you're allowed to quarterback this team anymore, friend.

[A]

What is.

[C]

You're going to ride the pine?

[E]

I got forwarded a voice memo from a dietitian.

[A]

I forwarded me or Natalie that sent it to probably me.

[E]

She forwarded me a dietitian that listens to the show that sent me that recorded a voice memo and said that she's been thinking about me and hoping that I'm doing okay and wants to help me.

[A]

A lot of people like that, Nick.

[E]

If there's a way I could get in contact with her, even. I don't know, but I. Look, I don't. I have a baby upstairs. I don't want to turn this into a big ER visit today. I mean, I'm open to it another day. I just don't know if right now. Nick, with the newborn.

[C]

Nick, listen to Uncle Jake.

[A]

Let me ask you a real question, homeboy. You got insurance? I got insurance, so it's not a money thing. So I want you to walk in there and I want you to say, hey, can I just talk to somebody? It's not an emergency. I'm not in any pain. Yeah, I was just talking to my uncles about something and they asked me to throw this by you. But I just have a newborn, so I just want to get a general opinion. And they'll go, yeah, what's this about? And you go, I'd just like to make an appointment with a GI specialist because it's about the amount of times I take dumps in a day.

[C]

Safe space.

[A]

They'll go, okay, great. And then the woman or the man will go, okay, can we get your information? And then they go, well, we could give you this. And they'll give you the contact information and you go from there. They're not going to say seven dumps and tackle you and put you in the email.

[C]

Have you tried waxing?

[A]

They're not going to say that.

[C]

Yeah, but you're there.

[A]

You've got to go start the process. Your wife.

[C]

And by the way, you're thinking a bunch. Your wife's watching on Patreon right now. You don't think she's going to enjoy the. She's just gone through?

[A]

Agreed.

[C]

Such a traumatic journey with such a great ending. And. And she right now. And all she.

[E]

You.

[C]

You owe this to her. Walk in there, find anyone who's wearing white with buttons and tell them that you're crapping seven times a day and you're rotating toilets.

[A]

So, Nick, what are you going to do right now, bud?

[C]

Take a poop.

[E]

I'll Go in and find someone to talk to.

[A]

Are you going to record it?

[C]

We've got him live. I mean, we could get him to run.

[A]

I think we'll take another call. Okay, but, Nick, are you going to record it?

[E]

Yeah, I'll do a voice recording.

[A]

Hey, Nick, I want you to call us back after.

[C]

Record it, send it in, and then

[A]

call us back after tonight in like 45 minutes. Because what I don't want to do is this. I was gonna, but I got a second cannon. Yeah, so call us back in 45 minutes with some information.

[C]

Finish this.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Okay.

[E]

We have your word.

[A]

We'll talk to you in 45. If not, we're going to call you.

[C]

Hey, the tab. We're going to call that goddamn hospital.

[A]

And also, we have your real information because of Patreon and your email. I'll blackmail you, brother. Hey, my man. It's time to check out that butthole, brother.

[C]

All right, pal.

[A]

Don't make me come to Utah and carry you to a hospital. This is getting weird. Seven in a day. What we can't have is somebody from our community. Something bad's going on.

[C]

Yeah, for our sake. Seven's up.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Crazy.

[A]

Seven's a lot.

[E]

My man.

[A]

I really thought this was gonna be Shit Stains Wax. Winner, winner, chicken. Yeah, it's going sideways.

[E]

Which it was, by the way.

[C]

When we said number no, part of me thought we were gonna sniff 7.

[A]

If he said 3, I would say it was too much.

[E]

4.

[C]

I was gonna be like, Buddy, it's a lot. 7.

[A]

Sometimes. Sometimes he couldn't even make it to the toilet.

[C]

No. You know, he's bragging about that.

[D]

Hey, dude.

[C]

But I made it every time,

[A]

actually. How old's your oldest kid?

[E]

2.

[A]

How many times they shit in a day?

[E]

I think just once or twice.

[A]

Okay, that's normal. I was gonna say it might just be a weird family thing.

[E]

Nope.

[A]

Nick, follow up with us in about an hour.

[C]

Baby has less bowel movements than the Eunuch. That is a red flag and a siren.

[E]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

We'll talk to you in an hour, but. Okay, goodbye.

[C]

Go get him.

[A]

All right, bye.

[C]

Thanks so much.

[A]

That was crazy.

[C]

What was his dad's problem?

[J]

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[A]

this episode of the Pod is brought to you by Quints. If you're wondering who makes the shirt I'm wearing right now, if you're going, Whoa. JKJ's arms and shoulders and chest look slimish, but his arms look bigish and his shoulders look thick. Ish. Oh, it's cuz of quints.

[C]

Summer now. Summer. So I've ordered some summer stuff from Quints. I got these great green shorts and I got a like kind of. I don't know what to call it. A cottony woolly top. I've never had anything like it, but the second I put it on, it was like a cloud was hugging me. But that's why we use quints all the time. That's why I wear quints all the time. Wore quints when I recorded my special because I wanted to look good. Everything at quints is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. Listen to that. 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories. They cut out the middle person. So you're paying for quality, not markup. Quint's goes way beyond clothing. Custom upholstered sofas, ceramic cookware, premium bedding. What more do you want from these people?

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[C]

They make it too easy to seem real and professional. That's, that's their problem because we all many of our pitches on we're here to Help are. Hey, we could just make a Squarespace site. Places for merch, places for videos. They help you with the SEO tools. Yes, I know what that's stands for. All these things. If you want your website to look legitimate, you want people to take you seriously. Squarespace. I'll never stop working with and using Squarespace.

[A]

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[C]

Hello.

[F]

Hello.

[C]

Hi. How are you?

[F]

I'm great. How are you guys?

[C]

Great. Welcome to the 300th. What's your name, please?

[F]

Does that mean that this is live?

[C]

Yes, you're live to Patreon right now. Yeah, so don't.

[F]

Amazing.

[C]

Pretty cool. No pressure, no pressure. What is your name, please?

[F]

I'm Jessica, real name. And calling from Toronto.

[C]

Toronto, Beautiful Jessica. Toronto. All right, let's get into it. What's going on?

[F]

Okay, so about the last year and a half have been a little rough. Shit happens. We all go through it. So now, basically, the last few months, I've been trying to find my spark again, get back to being my silly self. I've been doing a lot of things. Rock climbing. I took some pottery classes. Drinking wine always helps. And so on. I love you guys. I listen to podcasts every morning over coffee. The new ones, old ones. Jake, your laugh gets me every time. Makes me smile back. So what I'm here to. For you to help me with is I thought help me get my spark back is I would like you to please come up.

[A]

Wait, hold on.

[B]

Jessica.

[I]

Jessica.

[A]

Jessica. Jessica.

[C]

You leave the house.

[A]

Something happened. Audio wise, you dropped off a little bit.

[C]

Wait, Jessica. Jessica.

[A]

All I heard was genitalia.

[C]

Yep. We're excited. Obviously. There's one more we're gonna get.

[A]

Are you there?

[C]

Jessica?

[F]

Hi, I'm here.

[A]

We lost you. We literally just heard genitalia.

[C]

Yeah, you just turned into Charlie Brown's teacher with a genitalia in the middle.

[A]

So we're very interested in what you're talking about.

[C]

We're sold. Can we hear more?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So run it back a little bit. You're looking for your spark.

[A]

Genitalia.

[C]

And then we're gonna hear the word genitalia, and that's exciting for us.

[F]

So looking for my spark bag. One way. I thought you guys could help. As I said. Love you guys. So I would love for you to come up with and create my next tattoo. And where genitalia came in Is preferably not genitalia.

[C]

Okay, those are the worst words to proceed. Genitalia.

[F]

I agree.

[C]

Preferably not.

[E]

Great.

[A]

Same. By the way, that's the only way the genitalia is a bummer.

[C]

Christmas. The worst. The only way to make genitalia a shame. And nothing to do with genitalia. Don't even say genitalia. What's that?

[F]

Huh?

[C]

I was in a fog of war.

[A]

So, Jessica, you. You're Stella. You're looking to get your groove back. The way you want to do it is you want to get a tattoo that sums up.

[I]

I'm here.

[A]

I'm excited. You don't want to. You don't want it to be genitalia for some crazy reason. You sure you don't want a bush on your shoulder?

[C]

Come on. Well, yeah. Is that okay? How about a dog on another part of you?

[A]

How about we turn your belly button into a dog's butt?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

It's funny. We actually dealt with the collar at a dog that looked like a. On her triceps.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Might be a way to get it back.

[A]

Now we got to ask some questions. As you know, this is how the show works. We can't just start pitching on things. What happened in the last year and a half. And I know we might. Might not be happy times, but we got to hear what's going on, Jessica. Why'd we lose our groove?

[F]

Yeah, it won't be happy times, but I'm. I'm on the up and up, so. Girl, you know, I'm trying to get my spark back and trying to be happy again. I lost my dad.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

That was a. That was a gut punch. My favorite person. Awesome guy. One of the happiest people with the biggest sparks.

[A]

Understood. And guess what? Dad would want you to get back in the groove.

[C]

Yep.

[F]

Exactly. Yeah.

[A]

You don't want. You don't want your kids sad and moping for a year and a half

[F]

after you've passed exactly 100. He loved life. And he would want me to get back and love life again, too.

[A]

All right, so what's dad's name?

[F]

Yeah, Nicola. He's Italian. Very Italian.

[A]

He's a great guy. I can almost guarantee he's a great guy.

[C]

He's one of the best.

[A]

So Nicola is a great guy. And what did Nicola like to do? What were his hobbies besides raising his daughter?

[E]

Barber.

[A]

Oh, barber. You ever seen Rushmore?

[F]

No.

[C]

Come on. Get involved.

[A]

So Nicola is a barber? He's is from Italy?

[F]

Yes. Yeah. Colombia.

[A]

Ah, forget about it. Forget about it. And Then he moved there to Toronto to raise his beautiful children.

[F]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

And what year did he move? I have a quick pitch. You know, we could pitch you really fast. We can get Steve Berg to draw a bowl of spaghetti.

[F]

I would love that.

[E]

Perfect.

[F]

I love him.

[A]

The idea, Jessica, just to think about it, and this is early first pitch. We get a bowl of spaghetti.

[E]

Huh?

[C]

Spaghetti.

[A]

Spaghetti. We got a little bit of marinara.

[C]

Ah. Fingerprints on the side of the bowl.

[A]

What is your dad. What was your dad's favorite Italian dish?

[F]

Pasta.

[A]

So what if we go and. Did your dad have a nickname?

[F]

Nick.

[A]

That's cool.

[F]

Yeah, like Nick Miller.

[A]

That's cool. And what did he call you?

[F]

Why does that. I can't remember. Poopy. He would call me Poopy, by the way.

[C]

Sorry, Jessica. Jessica's gone. Poop is back.

[A]

Okay, so spaghetti. So, by the way, here's the early zone that at least I'm thinking to start. And if you don't like Jessica, then we go in another direction. Poopy.

[F]

But sounds good.

[A]

We're talking Italy. We're talking. We're talking pasta. We're talking Nicola's name in that zone. We happy?

[F]

Yeah, that's pretty much sums them up.

[C]

How about a little spaghetti? Spelling out Nicola and the O's are metabols.

[A]

That's incredible.

[C]

Poopy.

[A]

Wait, hold on. Hey, Jessica.

[C]

Poopy.

[A]

Let us meet you. The worst tattoo in the world. That'll get you sparkled.

[C]

Not gonna be under your genitals. No genitalia. Poop.

[A]

But we take a noodle. One noodle?

[C]

Yeah. It's one piece of spaghetti.

[A]

One long piece. Oh, you know, we. Do you like lady in the Tramp? You're sucking one side, he's sucking the other in the middle.

[C]

Careful.

[I]

Remember?

[A]

I thought you were gonna look at me different.

[C]

No, no, Back away. We got a winner.

[A]

Forget about it.

[C]

Don't make up a kid, Utah. Okay, so, Poopy, what if we do this? What if we. Because I. I think all the things. I mean, first of all, obviously, we're having fun. We appreciate it. Is terrible, obviously, but sweet. There's. There's a lot of nice politician. Gareth, you've been sweet, too. There's a lot of. There's a lot of fun to be had with something like that. Where maybe we have fun with your dad's name, but it's not like, super.

[A]

You've nailed it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

His name with the meatballs.

[C]

If we spell his name out with a nice piece of spaghetti, maybe a little marinara, you know, splashing off it around the tattoo there.

[A]

Over the O.

[C]

Over the O. And we put a meatballs in there. You can get it somewhere where you know you feel good about it. If you want it to be seen. If it's just for you, put it near your janitor. Now you back off. Go away. Lady and the Tramp guy. Getting mad at me for being sweet when you're talking about a kiss and a daughter.

[A]

It was a mistake.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

So if. What do you think? I think this is nice. You imagine a piece of Spaghett spelling your father's name. The O's a meatball. You got some Parmesan on top of that. Would be a great tribute.

[E]

But what?

[C]

We like it. But do you like it, poopy?

[F]

I'm asking. You guys are creating it. So if you say, hey, put the lady and the tramp together with me and my dad.

[E]

Nope, not kissing. I'm gonna do it.

[C]

We're not even. We don't want. Let me tell you something. You're gonna show this. This tattoo without your dad and you sucking the spaghetti. I think very sweet.

[E]

Agreed.

[C]

You show people that you and your dad are eating it. They're gonna say what Jake said. I don't know.

[A]

The tramping.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't like.

[C]

And you're gonna go, yeah. And they're gonna go, have you seen the movie? And you'll go, yeah. And they'll go, you know how it ends, right?

[A]

How's it end?

[C]

Yeah. Don't you know how it ends?

[A]

I don't like the ending.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. The kiss.

[A]

I don't like it. A kiss.

[C]

It's a problem.

[A]

It's not you and Nicola.

[C]

No.

[A]

Here's what I'm thinking.

[F]

No.

[A]

No. It's not good. We do not like. No, here's what I'm thinking. We do the name. We do one piece of spaghetti. We do it on the thigh. Outside thigh, facing, nothing. We do it on the foot.

[C]

I got a pitch. I do the upper shoulder.

[A]

Like this.

[C]

Yeah. Like where you put a mom tattoo if you're a sailor.

[A]

Yeah. What if we put a heart around it?

[C]

Ooh. How about that? Spaghetti makes a heart.

[A]

What if the spaghetti. What if there's two pieces of spaghetti? One is the heart.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Inside the heart is in another piece of spaghetti. His name Meatball as the O. Yep.

[F]

I think that's pretty perfect.

[C]

Do we spark joy?

[A]

I'll tell you what it's going to give you joy, is every time you show that to somebody because it's a ridiculous tattoo.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And a Good. Ridiculous tattoo. Garrett knows.

[C]

And cuffs All. All of my.

[A]

They're fun.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Steve almost got.

[C]

I have a tattoo of a dog that passed away on. On my arm because. Yeah. I wanted to have a memory, you know, but something.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. It's a great way to remember them and smile and I get to tell this story, too.

[C]

Yes. You've got this.

[A]

You know, you could. Well, actually, I actually think it's. I know I was going to try to heighten with the genital thing, but I don't think it is. No, I think we do a piece of. This is. Now I'm being 100% honest. Here's my 100%.

[C]

We thought you were being 100% the time we didn't know that you were back burnering some sort of genital swapperoo.

[A]

I wasn't. But then at the last second, I thought it'd be really fun to have something with like, a thing that said, like, this is not near my genitals.

[C]

Oh, oh, okay.

[F]

I see.

[A]

Not near the genitals. Underneath.

[C]

Genitalia sounds like the Italian word for genitals. If you think about genitalia. Genitalia.

[A]

There's something.

[C]

Genitalia.

[A]

I came from Nicola's genitalia. Because you technically did.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Spaghetti.

[A]

I came from his cream. I came out of his spaghetti.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

There's something here.

[F]

If they can.

[C]

No, there's not.

[F]

If they can find a way to, like, add genitalia in the pasta. Like, classy. Classily.

[A]

No, I don't think you can.

[C]

No.

[A]

Here. Here's my. Here's the real pitch, Jessica.

[C]

Poopy.

[A]

Poopy. One piece of pasta that is potentially different than the spaghetti. So maybe the Nicole is angel hair. This has to be like. It's got to be two different kind of pastas. Ideally, it's both pastas. Our guy Nick liked to really think, what kind of pasta did he like? And then you stretch that pasta out into a heart inside one piece. Maybe it's angel hair. I don't know.

[C]

Or it could be wrapped angel hair. There's something nice could be wrapped angel hair.

[A]

It should be pretty. It should be pretty. It should look very.

[C]

Something nice about angel hair.

[A]

Yeah, it should be very old and Italian. Should make you think about Little Italy in New York. Turn of the century. It's his name. With a beautiful meatball. Two C, O, L, A. Yeah.

[C]

One zero.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Where's the second?

[C]

Oh, babe, it's not done. Into this, lady. I'll let you walk away, lady. No, you didn't Yeah, I did.

[A]

So here's my question to you, Stella. You gonna do it?

[F]

Yes. A hundred percent. So.

[A]

But here's what we got to then do if you're gonna do it. You know, we obviously want some photos. Do the thing. But then symbolically, I gotta get a little bit. Gotta get a little bit weird on you.

[F]

Okay. The weirder than lady in the trap.

[A]

Yes. The second that's tattooed on you, the morning is over.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a choice. It's a choice. Look, I know that croco passed away. My dad passed. There's a moment you gotta go. It's done.

[F]

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. That's why.

[A]

Yeah. A year and a half is a really respectful time to say the light went out when Nicola went away. But guess what? The light comes back on and the tattoo is turning the light on. You're not allowed to mourn after. You can be sad, but you're back.

[F]

I love that. I love that. And that's one of the reasons I called. I know your dad passed too, so I know you'd give some good advice.

[A]

I think I'm gonna get a Nicola tattoo on my arm too. With a meatball.

[C]

Where your spaghetti.

[A]

There's not enough space.

[C]

Did it with a macaroni.

[A]

This is a crazy drawing.

[C]

What? What?

[A]

Steve Berg did that. That's the worst thing I've ever seen.

[C]

We got. We got something here that Steve Berg sent in and we're not even going to send it to you.

[A]

We're gonna. We'll send you a screen grab of this. That's really.

[C]

It honestly looks like, I think a herped lip.

[A]

What you said about the cooking. It looks like genitals.

[C]

Yeah, it really does. Yeah.

[I]

Yeah.

[C]

That looks like my butthole after the waxing.

[F]

Hey.

[C]

Forgot about it.

[A]

Jessica, will you follow up with us and will you send us when you

[C]

get the shadow on that?

[E]

Terrible.

[A]

And then he signed it.

[C]

He signed it on the bowl. Not even in the corner.

[A]

And then Mr. Food El Dente meatball. Yum. Delicious. And he spelled something wrong.

[C]

I don't know if he spelled delicious right.

[A]

No, but even look. What's the scribble after meatball and yum. What was he starting to do?

[C]

He's gonna say that it's a baby meatball, but he the word up.

[A]

Jessica, please follow up with us with the process. We want to see sketches of the tattoo before you do it.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

We would love to see the after and then we would love to hear how things have changed.

[C]

Yep.

[F]

Amazing. That works. I have an appointment Next week for the tattoo.

[A]

Oh, you're on fire.

[F]

Yeah, I'm ready. I'm prepared.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And what arm you can do left or right?

[F]

My right has a sleeve already, so I'm thinking the left.

[C]

Good.

[A]

That's cool. So you're already a tattoo lady.

[E]

You're ready.

[C]

This is good.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

You ever consider putting on your genitals?

[G]

Huh?

[C]

I think we've already. We've talked about this. Forget about it. Hey, forget he said that. Hey, sorry, poopy.

[A]

All right, goodbye.

[C]

All right, thank you very much.

[G]

So I wanted to do a bit of like a lightning round of questions for you guys.

[C]

Okay.

[G]

The participants only have like 30 seconds to ask you the question.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

And you each have one minute. I am going to have a timer on. You each have one minute to. To ask. Follow ups if you want to.

[E]

Okay.

[G]

But also answer.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

Interesting.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[G]

Okay.

[I]

Can you hear me? Hey, how's it going?

[C]

Good. How are you doing?

[I]

Great.

[C]

Great. Go ahead. You're on the clock.

[G]

I am starting your time now. You have 30 seconds, Jared.

[I]

All right, well, my name's Jared. I'm from northeast Alabama. And my problem is my wife and I recently purchased a fixer upper,

[F]

and

[I]

it has a fully finished basement with a built in bar. So I'm needing help picking a name for the. And theme for the future bar.

[A]

This is too good for minutes.

[I]

Little side note, the bar area, the previous tenant used to run a colonic clinic out of it. So like to pay a little homage to that interesting history.

[A]

Hold on, brother. I am going to be disrespectful. I know you've done a lot of work. This is. I got to get into this. I need more than a minute.

[G]

That's why I put down five minutes.

[A]

Okay, so you bought a house. The basement has a full bar set up. And what is the style of this bar?

[I]

It's. It's a finished oak bar that's probably about 8ft long. It's got mirrors and shelves hanging behind it.

[A]

Oh, my.

[I]

The whole area itself is probably about 800 to 1,000 square feet.

[A]

Send a photo fully.

[I]

Well, I. I don't have one at the moment.

[A]

That's okay. Okay.

[I]

I will see if I can find an older one. Right now we're just using it for storage.

[A]

Understood.

[C]

And then the previous owner was a doctor and he did colonics down there.

[I]

So the. The folks who built the house built it in the 1970s. They moved away probably about a decade before we bought it and rented the house out to a family member who turned the basement into a holistic wellness clinic, an infrared sauna and a few other things. But this is cool. Their main attraction was the four colonic tables that they had set up here.

[A]

So the bar was there. Then it became a colonic center.

[I]

The timeline's a little fuzzy.

[C]

I don't know if the originally doing both.

[A]

Sure they can.

[B]

Yeah.

[I]

I don't know if the bar was there. Like, hey, maybe hang out here while you wait for your colonic. Or if it was something that was already there from the. From the builders you bought.

[C]

Brother, that's awesome.

[A]

Yes. And so now you're like, well, we're gonna move some of this storage, but we might reopen the bar for the neighborhood.

[I]

Yeah, that's the. The work in. I'd say the main level of the house is almost complete. So we're starting to get.

[C]

I mean, we want to move quick.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Alco colonics anonymous.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Okay.

[C]

Sweet Hole Alabama.

[A]

I love that.

[E]

I like it.

[A]

Hey, I like sweet Hole Alabama so much. Or Clean Hole Alabama. Man. I. For my money, I would go, sweet Hole, Alabama.

[C]

I would too. Do what you like.

[A]

You would get a neon sign up there.

[C]

Totally.

[A]

And they would go, oh, like sweet hole. And you go like, yeah, a little hole in the wall.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[E]

Like a.

[C]

Then when you get drunk, you're like, well, because they used to get colonics

[A]

once they had their third drink.

[C]

This whole thing's full of poop ghosts.

[A]

I mean, Sweet Hole Alabama as a little bar in someone's basement that used to do colonics. I. I don't know if you personally, you could do much better than that.

[I]

All right, well, we will see if that goes over any better with my wife than my. One of my suggestions.

[A]

What was yours?

[I]

It's a little too. Maybe too heady, but it was a play on the slang term chocolate starfish. Like a butthole. And I was going to call it the velvet starfish. And that.

[A]

That.

[I]

That got a lot of thumbs down from.

[C]

Here's the good news.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

What One of two things is going to happen. You're going to pitch Sweet Hall Alabama and it's either going to happen or she's going to come around to velvet starfish.

[I]

Okay.

[A]

It's going to happen. Is she near you?

[E]

No.

[I]

She is currently upstairs with our child.

[A]

In respect. That doesn't mean. We don't have to interrupt for that. Unless you want to run in there

[C]

and just say you are. You are near her.

[A]

You are just upstairs. Will you just go upstairs really fast?

[C]

Near means walking distance.

[I]

Yeah, but sure I'll have.

[A]

But is the baby sleeping right now?

[C]

This is important.

[A]

Okay, great. Will you go upstairs and just on speakerphone, pitch what we got?

[C]

Let's close on Sweet Hall, Alabama just

[A]

to see what she says and say we say my friend Gareth just suggested something.

[C]

There's a lot of people who thought they'd be. They're not. Because this is important.

[I]

My friend Gareth suggested we call it Sweet Hole, Alabama.

[F]

That's pretty good.

[I]

She says it's pretty good.

[C]

Baby, get the sign. Get the sign, baby. Come on.

[A]

Get the sign before she says no. Order a neon sign.

[C]

Tell her you love you. Tell her you love her and go downstairs. Hurry.

[I]

All right, will do. Thank you, guys.

[C]

Take care. God bless.

[E]

Hi.

[I]

Hi.

[H]

Okay, I'm Good.

[G]

You have 30 seconds on the clock.

[H]

Okay, so my problem is that I have a really bad nail biting habit. I've tried, like, basic stuff that you see online, like, you know, gross nail polish, like fidget rings or whatever, but I need, like, something new. My girlfriend also has this problem, so we can't really, I don't know, incentivize each other because we have the same problem.

[A]

But everyone bite your fingernails.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Easy.

[C]

What?

[A]

Put dog on your fingers.

[C]

Christ. Then they gotta walk around with dog hands. By the way, this is Jake's. 30 seconds if you want to do it.

[A]

If. I'm not even kidding. Walkouts. You got a dog. No fun.

[I]

Walk.

[A]

Go to a. Go to a dog park. See the biggest. The most disgusting animal there. The kind of dog that you look at and you don't think it's cute. Wait till it takes a. When the owner goes to get it, go. One sec. Dip in. Then clean your hands off. But you didn't get everything. Oh, something's there. Don't use soap. Clean with just.

[C]

You could do soap. You still. It'll. It's under there but once.

[A]

And if you don't want to do that, after you go to the bathroom, look in that bowl, squish it. Then clean your hands. But always know what was on those fingernails. Go ahead.

[C]

Christ. All right, here's what I'm going to say. Mine's also crazy. I don't know why I'm. Shit my Jake's. You guys get nail clippers. Get two sets of nail clippers and decide. That's the new way going forward. And if you catch one of you biting their nails, then you, as a couple, you've entered, like, a pact. You are going to bite the other person's nail.

[A]

Oh, my God, that works.

[C]

Okay, so you make it the grossest possible process.

[A]

But is that really gross to bite your girlfriend's nails?

[C]

Yes.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

So, yeah, she's been at the dog park all day, fucking dipping in poop. Kid me. That's fucking horrible.

[A]

So my question to you is, what are you gonna do?

[H]

You know, I. I'm definitely gonna go with Gareth's option. I think that would work. I'm just not interested in the dog poop option.

[A]

How come?

[C]

Walk us through why you have an issue with it.

[A]

Agreed.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

You're afraid of success.

[C]

You don't like dogs.

[A]

You don't like winning.

[F]

No.

[H]

Dogs don't love poop.

[A]

Agreed. You get a little bit out of your fingers. Do you think you're gonna bite those nails? Never again.

[C]

Hey, listen, you did pick. But, you know, if that doesn't work, there's always the option to go.

[A]

By the way, the idea of biting somebody else's fingernails, to me, that's not gross.

[C]

That's. That's gross.

[B]

You think?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Natalie.

[F]

Yuck.

[C]

Thank God.

[K]

All right.

[G]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Yeah, thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Now, by the way, Natak or the judge.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Truly, I don't hate the judge.

[C]

That's very true.

[A]

You go to the judge.

[C]

But I've heard both cases. Yuck. That laugh she pulled off with Amy, that's tough.

[G]

So I'm admitting Whitney kidney.

[H]

Okay. Hey, guys. Happy 300.

[A]

Thank you.

[H]

We're so excited to be here. Alexa's here eating his popcorn and, you know, just all ready. Third bowl tonight. So we have two quick updates. Win Keller was one of the first ones to offer a kidney to Alexa on the pod. Very casually. And he is scheduled for surgery for. Not Alexon. Not Alexon. Calm down. For a stranger.

[A]

What?

[H]

To give his kidney. So then we get a voucher to put a Lexan on the list to get an O. Because Alexa needs an O blood type and Win's not an O. But that voucher.

[A]

What's up?

[F]

Hey.

[H]

Three to six months, hopefully. But as this was happening simultaneously, a Nick M. Wrote me on Instagram and said he's an O blood type and he wants to give the king his kidneys.

[A]

No way.

[H]

Yes. So he's actively getting tested. It might take two to three months. So we will have two kidneys in rotation.

[D]

Wow.

[H]

Yeah. And when named his kidney Earl after the Dixie chick song, Goodbye Earl, which is great. Had to shout out when. He's amazing. So when. And Nick will definitely have to make their appearance soon, of course. And the other people as well, that have been vetting. I Am connecting them with other callers.

[A]

And tell us about this website. What is going on with it? You and I.

[H]

So all of the community came together again. And we have Aaron, who was the caller from the Lions Ticket.

[F]

Right.

[H]

She's our grant writer for our foundation. Now,

[A]

Gary doesn't know any of this. When you tell Gareth everything that's happening. This has been crazy. I tried to do it on Kimmel, but they wouldn't let me talk about this because Disney won't let you put websites up or charities up they need to vet.

[H]

That's okay.

[C]

This is.

[H]

This is better than Kimmel. This is better than Kimball.

[A]

All right, so keep going.

[H]

So. So Whitney created a website, created a foundation.

[A]

Foundation.

[H]

We created a foundation. Yeah, a full foundation. We're pending our 501C3 status. We have a website. It's Arana A R A N A K r f like kidneyrecoveryfoundation.org and we're live and active. We have socials. We just started. And we have Raising Canes, who is a caller named Caroline of the podcast as well. They were our first corporate sponsor. Shout out to Caroline. She's amazing. And yeah, last thing, Caroline was on a travel show on the Travel Channel called Bitch Beer. And she's also owns a film festival. She knows a lot of brewers. So she's like. We were talking, we said, how ironic would it be to create a non alcoholic beer that donates to the Kidney Foundation?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[H]

So we came up with. We're working on a recipe to put out to brewers as well. And we're trying to get a popcorn sponsor, obviously.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

But we would love to do it. We're beer to hell.

[C]

Oh, my gosh.

[E]

Yes.

[I]

Excellent.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

So what is.

[A]

What is the thing with the beer thing? I don't get it. So what is the brewery?

[H]

So it's basically a recipe that you can give to a lot of breweries and they sell it and when they sell it. So make like the foundation gets the proceeds, right? Yes. And then each brewery could modify the recipe with their own twist on it, but it needs to be a non alcoholic so people with no kidneys can still drink at the bar.

[A]

Totally.

[C]

That's fucking great.

[H]

Yeah. So we would love to do a comedy show or a telethon or something. We got to get everybody involved after transplant because we got a lot of kidneys swapping up in this place.

[C]

That's a crazy thing to hear.

[G]

Whitney and I have some really fun ideas.

[A]

Well, let's hear it.

[G]

Well, we can go into it later. I don't want to take too much time.

[A]

Okay, let's.

[C]

Why don't we do a page Patreon session where we can have you on and Amy and you guys can just.

[E]

Kind of. Perfect.

[G]

And one last thing before they go. So me and her kind of work together, and we designed a hat for anyone who actually ends up donating a kidney.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[G]

So the most important thing about this is that the nostrils are kidneys. Yes.

[A]

That's an incredible image.

[G]

So.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

And it says no, but really, I donated one of my kidneys because of a podcast, and all I got was a stupid hat.

[A]

That's fun.

[G]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So I think it's great.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

So that's. That's kind of what we're making for anybody who actually ends up donating.

[A]

I love it.

[G]

There you go.

[C]

Well,

[A]

by the way, beautiful. Excellent.

[H]

There you go.

[I]

Wow.

[H]

Well, thank you so much, Whitney, and thank you. And I really want to say, guys, if you could work on giving Win and Nick something phenomenal for their organ donations in the future, they deserve it. They've been so great, as well as everybody that has helped.

[A]

Yeah, totally.

[C]

Fuck, yeah.

[E]

Wow.

[C]

That's fucking amazing.

[E]

Well.

[C]

Well, thank you, and that's awesome to hear. Holy.

[H]

We'll talk soon, guys. Thank you so much. Happy.

[E]

Appreciate it.

[A]

Bye, guys.

[C]

Bye. Holy.

[A]

What the.

[C]

That is crazy.

[A]

Crazy.

[C]

Hello?

[A]

No.

[E]

Hello?

[C]

You don't have that money. How are you?

[E]

I'm. I'm doing all right. How are you?

[A]

Great.

[C]

Welcome to the 300th. What's your name, please?

[E]

This is Nick.

[C]

Has every caller tonight been named Nick? Am I out of my mind?

[E]

Nick.

[A]

Yeah, Nick. What's going on?

[E]

Yeah, so I. I just went in and talked to a nurse.

[C]

Okay. How'd it go, bud?

[E]

Well, first of all, I had to bring my toddler because he was running around the halls of the. The.

[A]

Let's get to what the nurse said, my king. About that.

[C]

How fast was she running?

[J]

No.

[E]

What.

[C]

What happened?

[A]

What did the nurse say about your

[C]

health when you said you poop seven times a day?

[E]

Second of all, I had to explain to, like, an old lady behind the desk, like, at one point, she said very loudly, oh, you're having urinary problems. And I said, no, it's actually I'm pooping a lot. Not peeing a lot throughout the day.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

And then.

[E]

And then she just had me. And by the way, there's. This is, like, in front of a waiting room full of people, and so

[A]

you can stand quiet.

[C]

It's Pooping.

[E]

I didn't yell. I was trying to be quiet, but I was just right in the small waiting room.

[A]

Okay, so what happened?

[E]

And then. And then a nurse came and asked me what's going on. I asked if we could go somewhere private. Good. And then I just did.

[A]

You were married?

[C]

Not this mushroom.

[A]

I'm married. I've got a wife.

[C]

It's about pooping.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And so then what happened?

[E]

Yeah, and so I told her that. I told her what was going on. She asked if it was diarrhea. I said no. I said, it's just normal poop. And she just said, yeah, it just sounds like you just poop a lot. And basically just told me there's, like, nothing to worry about. I mean, I wasn't, like, checked in, and this wasn't, like, actual medical advice, but she just said she's like, yeah, you could bring it up to your family doctor, but it's. I mean, if it's been happening for years and your stomach doesn't hurt, you're not having diarrhea, and it's just you poop a lot, then.

[A]

All right, what's going on with your dad? What was that problem?

[F]

No, we've got other problems.

[A]

By the way, I can't believe.

[C]

I think you just went up to a regular person. I don't think that was a nurse.

[E]

Well, or it was a nurse.

[A]

I believe you, Nick. I'm an honest guy. But to all the people then saying he should go to a hospital. Wrong.

[C]

Wrong. Okay, he went to a hospital.

[H]

Everybody said, don't go to a hospital. Go to your doctor. Yes, Jake, what are you thinking?

[C]

Hey, by the way, now that's an interesting twist. That's the first I've heard of that.

[E]

She actually did say. She said. She did say. She's like, did you have you. She's like, by chance, have you called into a podcast about this?

[C]

Enjoy the next poop in four minutes.

[K]

Hey, guys, I'm listening to your episode on Jude's Problem with Time, and I'm just, like, over here being super annoyed and sad for her because it just sounds like she has adhd. Obviously, I'm not a behavioral health specialist or, like, I don't know what her history is, but, like, my husband has adhd, I have adhd, my entire family has adhd, and we have a long history of feeling really bad about being late to things. There's this thing called time blindness that people with ADHD experience. It's like, you know, a neurodiverse experience where you just have like, no awareness of how long things are going to take you. And then also, like, sometimes that means you might stay up later than you want, which means that you'll sleep in and struggle to wake up in the morning. But, yeah, it just sounds like she really has ADHD and she should probably go, you know, see a specialist about that because that would actually probably help her the most. So sometimes your problems are, like, super arbitrary and that's great. But other times I'm listening and I'm like, oh, it seems like this person genuinely needs, like, help, and then it would, like, benefit their lives. So I really strongly support anyone going to therapy. Anyone going to, yeah, kind of check out maybe, like, problems that they're having that they think, like, oh, it's just a me problem. Like, sometimes it's not just a you problem. Sometimes it's a society problem expecting you to be a certain way that your brain just doesn't work. And that's what ADHD is. So just wanted to pop on and say that, but love your show and thanks for listening.

[A]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[C]

We're Here to Help is produced by

[E]

Rabbit Grim Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis,

[C]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[E]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

[C]

Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth the stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only. And all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[H]

That was a hit gum podcast. Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and Alexon, AKA the popcorn queen and king.

[A]

Hey, guys.

[C]

We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you showed our family.

[H]

As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey.

[C]

And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[H]

That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important. Healing.

[C]

Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries or other essential expenses. We're here to help lighten the load.

[H]

If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate at A R a n a krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being such an incredible community.

[C]

And thank you for always being there to help.

[B]

You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions, and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

[D]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[A]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[D]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show coming to, coming to.

[G]

That's what it is.

[D]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[A]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[D]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show now on Headgum.

[B]

Woo hoo.

[I]

Woo.

[A]

I've learned a Jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute to go.

[D]

Apparently there's only so much butthole you can take. We're gonna take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best spits, best bad behavior, and even worse decisions.

[C]

All of it.

[D]

Sometimes we don't make the right decisions. Jeff.

[A]

I've noticed that every every so often

[D]

with guests like Spike Jones.

[A]

I think let's commit to Jackass the Podcast.

[E]

What was it going to be called?

[D]

The Jackass Podcast.

[C]

Jackass Podcast.

[A]

Without you, the IQ drops significantly.

[D]

Steve O. There's a strong chance that were it

[A]

not for Jackass, that I would be

[D]

in clown makeup right this Chris Pontius,

[A]

that shot of your butt just cruising up. I'm like, yeah, I got that on tv.

[D]

God bless us, Dave England.

[A]

Yeah, when you come in and you're being really nice, I'm like, damn it, something bad's gonna happen to me.

[D]

Wee Man Jeff grabbed me from the

[A]

back of the head and threw a punch. The whole bar just stopped and wanted to kill me, like.

[D]

And some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning had to

[A]

share a room with this guy.

[C]

And I left a nice surprise in

[A]

the toilet for him every time.

[D]

Apparently he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass, the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts.

[A]

Our new episodes drop on June 18th. Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday.

[D]

Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram, Instagram and tick tock@jackassthepodcast. What were we just talking about?

[C]

Probably buttholes.