302: Haunted Lacrosse House & Kissing Like Muppets

Summary

We're Here to Help — Episode 302: “Haunted Lacrosse House & Kissing Like Muppets”

Release Date: June 29, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Production: Headgum

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Episode Overview

In this characteristically playful and unfiltered episode, Jake and Gareth tackle listener dilemmas ranging from awkward first kisses to neighborhood chaos courtesy of hard-partying lacrosse students. Using their signature blend of empathy, silliness, and “tipsy uncle” wisdom, the duo brainstorm creative, offbeat solutions—role-playing, riffing, and drawing on their own life experiences, all in the name of (possibly dubious) advice. Notably, the episode is punctuated by honest reflection on listener feedback, self-deprecating humor about the show’s structure, and some uniquely strange advice for dealing with disrespectful neighbors.

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Key Segments & Insights

1. Addressing Listener Feedback & The “Pay the Toll” Bit

[03:13–08:00]

• Listener Discontent: Jake and Gareth read out and joke about recent negative comments concerning the quantity and length of ads, the “pay the toll” catchphrase, and their off-topic intro banter.

  • “The comments started. Always great actual content. But the ads are out of control...The intro of us gabbing. I didn’t realize. It’s people’s nightmare right now.” — Jake [04:29]
  • “We are doing a nightmare about their nightmare.” — Gareth [04:52]
  • “I think they’re just starting to hate us, Gareth.” — Jake [04:23]

• Their Response:

  • Reflect on their ad structures and explain the “pay the toll” (asking listeners to follow up on calls).
  • Recommend everyone “take it easy,” referencing Jake’s late father’s catchphrase (with comedic asides about family).

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2. Caller #1: Johnny and the Aggressive Kisser

[12:40–40:02]

Context

Johnny, 18, from Utah, calls in for advice on how to tell a new romantic interest (who is also a colleague) that her kissing style is “aggressive” to the point of uncomfortable, without hurting her feelings or making things awkward at work.

Main Discussion Points

• Caller Introduction:

  • Johnny is a swimmer, not Mormon, and has a “goofy personality.”

• Problem Details:

  • “Every time it goes on for more than like five seconds, she presses like so hard into my face. I can feel her like teeth on my mouth.” — Johnny [14:09]

• Hosts’ Advice:

  • Avoid Direct Critique:
    Don’t just confront her bluntly, and don’t worry much about workplace awkwardness if respectful.

  • “Game/Scale” Approach:

    • Suggests framing the conversation as a “kiss intensity scale game” (level 0–10) to explore and calibrate both partners’ preferences—making it lighthearted and mutual.
    • “Let’s kiss at all different levels…0 is the softest kiss ... 10 is like a really intense one where it’s almost like Muppets and comedic, where you guys laugh it off.”—Jake [17:13]
    • “You’re framing it as you’re coming from and you’re giving her, which you should, especially at 18, more control in the physical dynamic.” — Gareth [19:53]

  • Role-Playing/Riffing:

    • Run several mock dialogues, testing when the “scale” talk should happen and how to keep it comfortable.
    • Endorse focusing on mutual enjoyment, normalizing communication even if initially awkward.

  • Normalizing Awkwardness:

    • Gareth shares a personal anecdote about being “taught” during intimate moments, emphasizing the value of communication for better relationships.

  • Final Takeaways:

    • Make it about shared experimentation (“Which do you like best?”), keep tone friendly and positive, inject humor about “Muppets-level” making out, and defuse any embarrassment with warmth and a joke.
    • “If teeth hit again, you just kind of pause and laugh: ‘Sorry, our teeth are like magnets.’” — Gareth [37:29]

Memorable Quotes

• “If this gal becomes a gal where you guys start doing things with your bottoms off, it's a heck of a nice start where you're having real talks...” — Jake [20:35]
• “Communicating makes it a lot easier when someone gives you the answers to the test.” — Jake [21:09]
• “Bring it up is half the battle. So after that, it’s out there.” — Gareth [44:01]

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3. Caller #2: Danielle vs. The Haunted Lacrosse House

[43:34–67:38]

Context

Danielle, 33, from Hudson Valley, New York, seeks advice on how to instill respect in a constantly rotating group of rowdy college lacrosse (or field hockey) students who rent the house next door and have been a disruptive presence (loud parties, blocked streets, litter, inconsiderate parking).

Main Discussion Points

• Situation Set-Up:

  • The house lease passes down each year to new teammates; the chaos is ongoing through several generations of renters.

  • “We are directly next door to these college students…they’ve had parties where they’re screaming and screeching...mail guests leave bottles of pee on the hoods of cars…blocked driveways …” — Danielle [44:13]

• Hosts’ Reactions & Brainstormed Solutions:

  • Drop the Guilt Card:

    • “The guilt thing isn’t going to play with college girls.” — Jake [49:31]
    • Don’t keep score or expect reciprocation; don’t position yourself as “mom” to them.

  • Barbecue/Welcome Tradition:

    • Propose a recurring welcome event (BBQ, pizza night) with the explicit purpose of connecting and humanizing both sides, while gently expressing standards for neighborly behavior.
    • “You bite the bullet and you do a…barbecue to welcome you to the new semester…imparting that: have a good time, but there are certain rules.” — Gareth [51:49]

  • Babysitter Angle:

    • Offer babysitting or other ways for housemates to participate in community life; builds investment in harmony.

  • Subtle Real Estate Push:

    • Print and leave flyers for nearby, more “campus-appropriate” rentals as a hint.

  • Ultimate Wild Card: Go ‘Crazy’

    • “We don’t know karate, but we know crazy.” — Jake [55:46]

    • Hospice Relative Ruse:

      • Fake a relative “on hospice” staying with them to appeal for quiet out of pity and discomfort.

    • Make the House Seem Haunted:

      • Invent and share stories about past hauntings or creepy happenings in the house, laying groundwork with plausible ‘old neighborhood lore’.
      • “What do you think about the idea of planting the seed that there’s something weird about the house and the energy kind of sucks?” — Jake [59:03]
      • Suggest leaving animal bones, weird objects, or producing inexplicable minor phenomena (milk in crawlspaces for smell, windows mysteriously open, etc.) to spook the students.
      • “If you just get some smaller bones...and a couple months after the barbecue, you just have a couple of them under the stairs...” — Gareth [63:06]

  • Layered Approach:

    • Danielle considers combining hospitality (welcome events), plausible neighborhood history, and spooky tactics for greater effect.
    • “I think, like I said, it’s fun, and also it keeps it a little bit lighter than us just...being horrible neighbors. So, yeah, I’m into this for sure.” — Danielle [63:28]

Memorable Quotes

• “There is a spectrum of pitches here...How much do you want to do karate, and how much do you want to do crazy?” — Gareth [60:00]
• “My first thought is a PowerPoint presentation of the history of the neighborhood...but at the end of the day, honey over vinegar.” — Jake [50:03]
• “You are owed an apology, but you're not going to get it. So you're just trying to get ahead of the next incident that's going to chap your ass.” — Gareth [53:12]

---

4. Follow-up Caller: Danae’s Smoking Update

[67:44–74:08]

Context

Danae returns to update Jake and Gareth on her progress quitting cigarettes—an issue discussed in a prior call.

Key Points

• Progress Report:

  • She tried multiple methods, ultimately using Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” (Scooter Braun’s version) as an aversive cue to break the habit. She admits to a few “cheats” since her official quit date (birthday and dissertation/moving day).
  • “Every time I tried to bum a sig off of one of them when we were out...they were like, ‘No, she has to quit. It’s for the podcast.’” — Danae [69:07]
  • “If you cheat one time, the year starts over.” — Jake [72:57]

• Hosts’ Take:

  • Jake and Gareth refuse to “ring the bell” for victory due to her relapses but express pride in her progress and set new terms:
    • If she goes two full months without a single cigarette, she’ll receive a Steve Berg autographed calendar; otherwise, she must mail in her ring with her cat’s baby teeth as a forfeit.

• Accountability, Humor & Encouragement:

  • “Quitting’s quitting. And by the way, don’t smoke. You can get a free calendar, and you get to keep the cat teeth...It’s the cheating that gets you every time.” — Gareth [73:00]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Listener Criticism:

  • “I listen to the show for free, but sometimes some of the ads...get too long with that guy Jake and that guy. Get a point of thumb to the point of I hate it.” — Jake [05:09]

• On Kissing Communication:

  • “It’s nearly impossible to open up a safe where you go, well, I just got to guess here.” — Gareth [21:14]

• On Neighborhood Politics:

  • “If somebody goes, ‘Hey, you know what, you’re being really loud,’ I’m gonna be louder.” — Jake [52:31]
  • “If you just get some smaller bones...and have a couple months after the barbecue, you just have a couple of them under the stairs.” — Gareth [63:06]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Listener Feedback & Show Structure: [03:13–08:00]
• Johnny, Kissing Like Muppets: [12:40–40:02]
• Danielle, Haunted Lacrosse House: [43:34–67:38]
• Danae, Smoking Progress: [67:44–74:08]

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Summary

Jake and Gareth deliver a marathon episode full of “improv-advice”: eccentric, accessible, and as much about riffing as actual problem-solving. For Johnny’s kissing woes, they advocate a playful, collaborative approach—“calibrating” with your partner rather than confronting or shaming. With Danielle’s neighbor situation, the hosts recommend charm offensives blended with creative, even mischievous “haunting” tactics to establish neighborhood equilibrium. The episode rounds out with a lighthearted update on quitting smoking, complete with playful “punishments” and affectionate tough love.

Tone

Authentically silly, supportive, wandering, and occasionally absurd—always rooting for the caller, always entertaining themselves, and their audience.

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For New Listeners

If you’ve ever wished for practical advice from someone who’d rather make you laugh than be right, this is the show for you. The hosts aim less for solutions and more for infectious camaraderie—and somehow, you come away feeling both lighter and well-advised.

Transcript

[Danielle]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, the usual. You know, the usual Hollywood business. How are you? I. We were just talking. Your life is in some wild sorts. You're drinking an iced coffee out of a jar now. Oh, yeah. Not to be all over the place. Pam gave me a present for you, so I got something for.

[Danielle]

No way.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, speaking of, first of all, I miss Pam. How's she doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's pretty good. She's her usual lunatic self. Like every time I talk to her, her, she. She's in LA right now and I'll talk to her and she'll have some item of trash she's excited to take home and polish. I think my mother might be a crow.

[Jake Johnson]

No, because she doesn't hold mean grudge. Actually, she does. She still hates your dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, there are. You know, there's certain people where you can't commiserate with because you go, well, you're angrier than me.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, well, the funny thing about certain people, my mom is this eaves this way with my deceased dad, but it would literally I'll go to this day. We were, she's now here. We're hanging out all the time. And by the way, we're having a great time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that right? How often is she over?

[Jake Johnson]

Kind of a lot. We hung out all day yesterday. It's. The first couple weeks were rocky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth, the move is a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but Eve was getting so mad at me about everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know if you were hyping it up. Just for comedy. No, she genuinely was mad.

[Jake Johnson]

She was so mad. And then I would say, why are you mad at me? She'll go, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad. And I'm like, I know, but you're taking it out of me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy being around someone who's mad and just mad.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it feels very similar.

[Jake Johnson]

It's the same thing. It's very. You know. And I know I'm jumping around. Speaking of people being mad, Gareth, that's a good segue. The audience, at least. And this is a real question to the audience, because you have said from the beginning, comments are not audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I've said that. It's not the whole audience. There are. There's a sect. It's like if some. There are certain people who like to engage with their thoughts.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, and that can be helpful in ways. Like when I am in a random city and I go to Yelp to find out if a place is good, sometimes I'll go, this was helpful. Other times I'll go, there's a little more going on besides a restaurant review right here. So there's. There's.

[Jake Johnson]

So then catharsis in general. Yes. What I need to say is there's a percentage of our audience that is so mad at us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why? What did we do? First of all, I'm sorry. This is how I do it. I'm sorry. I think they.

[Jake Johnson]

I think they're just starting to hate us. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why? What did we do? I'm sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

So the comments started. Always great, actual content. But the ads are out of control. Felt like half the episode was ads. Almost gave up. 38 people agree. First caller starts at 14 minutes. 23 people agree. The intro of us gabbing. I didn't realize. It's people's nightmare right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are doing a nightmare about their nightmare.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, they're like. They're like, I want to listen to that show with that guy Jake and that guy Gareth, where they taking callers. But I hate that guy Jake and that guy Gareth when they talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. Yeah, it really. The premise is beaten.

[Jake Johnson]

I listen to the show for free, but sometimes some of the ads, which I am allowed to fast forward through, get too long with that guy Jake and that guy. Get a point of thumb to the point of I hate it. Also disliking the rollout of the term pay the toll tab expression. Your thoughts, Gareth. And guess what? A lot of people are agreed. Was about to comment. The same thing. Ruins the vibe Another one. I agree. The premise of the show is free advice. That feels free. I already pay for Spotify Premium. We don't get a penny of that. Rebecca, half the episode is ads. And frankly, I'm sick of the promos asking for payments.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hahaha.

[Jake Johnson]

Merch. Not subscribe to Patreon and get stuff locked behind a paywall. Yes, I understand that they're not actually asking for money with this phrase, but the expression itself is a turn off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God. I mean, I feel like, I feel like Eve's running these sock puppet accounts. Well, listen, Eve has taken over our aud.

[Jake Johnson]

We're just farming for Eve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're croco and they're Eve. We got nothing to say anymore.

[Danielle]

I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, I think, I think there's some helpful stuff in there. Like you said, the, the last round of ads were long because we thought they were. We just did them together. So they were cut longer.

[Johnny]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For creative intent. The pay the tab we really have enjoyed. And I think it's going to be good in the long run because it's.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's where people get it wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a favor trade.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what for people who are hating the show, I just disagree. I get your pain from Spotify Premium. You understand the way all this works. Gareth and I are in our little closets like goofballs.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Doing an intro at 8 through Spotify. We're not making any money from that.

[Johnny]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We have a staff that's a small army that could take over little countries to do this little podcast. We don't plan the calls. When people call in, we're just going. If we say, hey, do you. Every time. Do you mind following up? Well, the show makes it fun for us and we think the audience, because certain callers really come to life and follow up and add things to the show and take the lead. So we thought a fun little charming term was pay the toll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think you're gonna get more follow. I think we will get better follow ups in the long run.

[Jake Johnson]

So let me give, let me make a comment on the commenters and let me, as a guy who gives advice on this show, give advice, Relax, take it easy. You know, my dad, Croco Garrett, he used to have his term before he died with all his friends. New was he would always say, take

[Gareth Reynolds]

it easy, Take it easy.

[Jake Johnson]

He had a mug that said take it. It was like his catchphrase. It was his sitcom catchphrase. And he would just go, hey, hey, take it easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And remember he was living With a wild bird.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, not really. Take it easy. You say that to Cleo? Oh, I thought you meant my mom. You were talking about Cleo?

[Johnny]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Anyway, enjoy the show.

[Jake Johnson]

No, actually, no. Continue hating the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

hello.

[Johnny]

Hello there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, how are you?

[Johnny]

I'm doing well, how are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm good man. Let's get that name real quick.

[Johnny]

That's good. My name is Johnny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Johnny. Johnny. How old are you?

[Johnny]

I am 18 years old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

18. Perfect for a Johnny. Yeah. I was gonna ask are any plans to drop the Johnny Johnny or you feel good?

[Johnny]

No, I, I've actually been asked that question before and I, I plan to

[Jake Johnson]

keep the Johnny, especially at 18. Hold on to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Johnny, where are you?

[Johnny]

I am in the Salt Lake Valley in Utah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh wow, beautiful. My favorite state to drive through. Really Johnny? Yeah, it is. Johnny. 18 Salt Lake. You play football, Johnny?

[Johnny]

No, no, don't play football. I do swim.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, that is interesting. What's going on, Johnny? What can we do for you?

[Johnny]

All right, so basically I've been seeing this girl who I do work with for a couple weeks now and things have been picking up recently and I really like her. So we started kissing and making out and it's great.

[Jake Johnson]

But you said you're from Utah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he is.

[Johnny]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that makes sense with the kissing and making out. It was great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Johnny Mormon.

[Johnny]

No, I'm not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right, so you're kissing 18.

[Johnny]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You're making that great Litjoy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the kissing okay?

[Johnny]

It's great. Well actually every time it goes on for more than like five seconds, she presses like so hard into my face. I can feel her like teeth on my mouth.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, Man, Johnny, that's weird.

[Johnny]

It. It is weird. It is so like we'll start kissing. It'll. It'll be happening and then like they're just there and I can just feel them.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that, that's okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember this so clearly with malt. Like stuff like that where you would be going, whoa, what's going? You seemed normal and now there's lots coming my way.

[Johnny]

Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. So I'm kind of at the point now where like it's, it's, it's getting hard. And so my question is, how do I tell her that basically she's too aggressive when she kisses without making her like self conscious or weird. And also I work with her, so

[Danielle]

how do I, like keep it from

[Johnny]

being awkward in that sense?

[Jake Johnson]

I got an easy pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a couple too. Go ahead, you go first. Well, I. First of all, I wouldn't worry about the work awkward thing because you know, you're going to be respectful and it's not like, you know, you want this to work out. Either way, I don't think this is going to be a make or break. I don't think having a straight up conversation is the right way.

[Jake Johnson]

No, it's not a day too. My first insecurities.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My first two. The first one is going to be. You've. Jake, you're gonna hate my first one, but there's a second one. Okay. My first one is that you went to the dentist and there's been some markings and it seems like when you're kissing, your teeth are getting rubbed and it's causing. And there's marks. Okay, that doesn't exist. Here's my second one. When you're making out, she's pressing on your teeth. At some point, you fake tooth pain and you back up and you just gonna be insecure.

[Jake Johnson]

She's gonna be insecure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I wouldn't hate a little fake blood. Go ahead, hate those two. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

The one you're gonna. I'm only saying right now for you to hate because I don't believe it. Put a ham sandwich in your mouth before the kiss and see if she can get it out. Don't do that. Here's my real pitch.

[Johnny]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know why I said that. I don't agree with that. It's the opposite problem. It makes her go even more intense. Yeah, don't do that. I just wanted to do a bad picture.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just made mine look great.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. That's what I did wrong. Here's my real pitch. Johnny, you guys are kissing, you're having fun. The mood is light, you're chatting. You guys are in Utah. You just had a bunch of weird sodas with cream in it. And you're like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you shut up about them.

[Jake Johnson]

You're like, I just mixed Dr. Pepper with Fanta with a heavy cream.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So good. Sure, our beer isn't the regular percentage that other states are, but have you

[Jake Johnson]

ever had a nine sodas with a cherry Coke with nine pumps of vanilla?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And she's like, wow, this is an amazing date. Then go. While you're kissing, go, you want to do a game? And she'll go, I'm in. I'm in Utah. I love games. And go, let's kiss at all different levels. And go from 0 to 10. So 0 is the softest kiss. And then go, 1, 2. And then afterwards go, which level did you like the most? 10 is like a really intense one where it's almost like Muppets and comedic, where you guys, like, laugh it off. And she's like. And then go, of the 0 through 10, where did you like most? And she'll go, like, probably five. And you go, like, me too, actually. Because most likely, Johnny, she just doesn't have a lot of experience. So she's making this up as she goes, and most likely you guys break up, she'll date somebody else. And then she'll go, like, I think I'm a weird kisser. And she'll make the adjustment. If you talk about it, the insecurities about being bad at kissing is like being bad at sex. You're like, that's gonna shut you down. And she's gonna be like, oh, my God, I chipped his tooth and Gareth wanted fake blood. Then she's gonna be like, I might be the worst kisser in the whole world. So if you do the game and it's genuinely fun just because you're, like a fun guy, and she goes, I don't know. And you go, I gotta say something weird. I think I like the twos. Then you could start before a kiss. You start kissing and you go like, what level would you like, my lady? And she'll go like, how about a three? And you go, like, a three. We were thinking the same thing. And so if you're at a seven and it's intense and you're feeling that pressure, you could go, what if we turn this down to a five? And now you're both speaking the same level of intensity of kissing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually really like that pitch until the end. I like the idea that you're saying, I mean, you're 18 in Utah. I would imagine that, you know, maybe kissing is a little new to both of you potentially. So I think having an honest conversation where you say, you know, I would love to make it so that when we make out, you love it should. Can we walk through the 10 range of what our kisses are and let's lock in on what we both really enjoy the most. And 1 is a slow kiss and 10 is a more passionate kiss. And that way during that scale, you can move away from six if that's toothy.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I want to be a good kisser for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're framing it as you're coming from

[Jake Johnson]

and you're giving her, which you should, especially at 18, more control in the physical dynamic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that is.

[Jake Johnson]

You're saying, I'm an 18 year old boy full of sugar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I just went to the soda farm

[Jake Johnson]

and so you. How about this? Let's make sure you're really enjoying this because I'm enjoying everything. Because I'm with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it'll come off real sweet.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it'll. I think it'll be effective and give her a little bit of control, which could be nice. And then if she's like, I love a ten, I'm all teeth. You go, wrong girl for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or you just say, all right, well listen, I love 10. Except the only thing is it hits my teeth every now and then. You're having a real honest conversation. By the way, this, it's not wrong. Is going to lay a great foundation if things escalate physically further.

[Jake Johnson]

Not by the way, you're Johnny. If this gal becomes a gal where you guys start doing things with your bottoms off, it's a heck of a nice start. Where you're having real talks where she totally. If you have to tell you what I like, Johnny. And you go, gracias for the tips of the test.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. This the 10 scale. Honestly, it's very strange that it doesn't even exist in.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I'll tell you one nice thing about getting older that you did. I did not have back in the day in the horizontal category with the ladies. Communication.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Makes it a lot easier when someone gives you the answers to the test.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It's nearly impossible to open up a safe where you go, well, I just got a guess here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If I'm being honest, this reminds me of a woman I dated probably in my 20s, who was like, I'm gonna teach you how to go down.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was like very. It Was very tutorial and it was very helpful. And it was just because. And it was. Listen, in the moment.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wasn't the best. You know what I mean? It was like.

[Danielle]

There's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're getting notes left and right. You're kind of going like, hey, that hurts my feelings. But by the end, I was cut from steel. And she even said she's like, look, we're probably not going to end up together, but when you leave here, you're going to be thanked. So this is a very. I think this is.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's important.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I would definitely just frame it like that and frame it like a. It's coming from you wanting to make her, you know, happy when you're kissing and you guys scales together.

[Johnny]

So it's like. It's like a learning experience. Or I'm more framing it like. Like it's a game. Like one through ten.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, here's a question to you, Johnny. What works better for you?

[Johnny]

I don't know, because I do like to play games and I kind of have a goofy personality, especially when I'm around people, but I could see it going both ways, depending on how serious I want it to be.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let's. How about we do this? Gareth, you want to be the girl?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Yeah. Why don't you try both? Because I think you're right. Like, if you are too serious about this, it could be seen too heavy too.

[Jake Johnson]

We're talking about making up early.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, so let's.

[Johnny]

Yeah, it's super fresh though.

[Jake Johnson]

So, yeah, let's see what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's try. So start it off. What's my name? Johnny. It can be fake.

[Johnny]

You're. We'll just call you Anna, I guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I guess. Okay. Of the I guesses. Whenever you're ready.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Danielle]

Wait, wait.

[Johnny]

What am I. What am I pitching here? What am I doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Johnny, you're trying whatever works best for you. We're seeing how it works. You're coming out of your mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to pitch the scale of 1 to 10, and if you feel comfortable doing it in kind of silly, goofy way, that's what you're going to kind of do.

[Johnny]

Okay. Okay. Hey, Anna. So things have been going great lately. How about. How about we try something a little fun? We'll start at a 1.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going to do a little. I'm going to jump in.

[Johnny]

Okay, go for it. Go for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's. I was doing it. Here's the timing. Where I think you might want to do it. Let's be. Let's have. Let's be making out a little bit. And when there's a break from making out, let's say, why don't you jump in then with, like, I really like kissing you. Do you want to try? And then maybe you can do your little goofy pitch of like, let's see. I want to make sure we both feel good about it or you feel good about it. Let's jump through the 1 through 10 versions of intense kissing and you tell me which one you like best.

[Johnny]

Okay? Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, actually, we really.

[Johnny]

We haven't really gotten into, like, the full make out yet because, like, five seconds in, like, I just feel like teeth are suddenly there and then getting

[Gareth Reynolds]

there without open mouth.

[Johnny]

It's crazy, like, how quickly she opens her mouth. Like, it. Boom. She just goes for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what she's doing?

[Jake Johnson]

She's a mag brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay. All right, all right, well, let's. Let's start. Let's try.

[Johnny]

Okay, so wait, I'd say something like,

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ding.

[Johnny]

All right, well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ding, ding.

[Jake Johnson]

Johnny, he's trying to get you out of the kissing. I know you're getting lost in the kissing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ding.

[Johnny]

Okay. Hey.

[Danielle]

Hey.

[Johnny]

What if we tried something? What if we tried something?

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta stop. Gareth, I think you're wrong to start this mid kiss. This has to happen before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Johnny]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. They're hanging out you, and it's be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guess.

[Johnny]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what you do then while driving. So there's no chance of the kiss. You start this as a. A game you're discussing.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, could be fun if we kissed and we did this thing where we kissed at different levels and be like, I know this is stupid, but I was having this thought of, like, zeros are really soft kiss tens are really intense. Because I could, like, figure out levels of kissing together and she'll be like, oh, Johnny,

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so we're driving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, you're driving.

[Jake Johnson]

Johnny, are you ready to try this?

[Johnny]

I. I'm feeling ready. I'm feeling right. More ready.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, are you Anna or my Anna?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you be Anna.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Johnny]

Okay, awesome. We're driving. Okay. Hey, Emma, I was thinking, would you be willing to try playing a little game?

[Jake Johnson]

Of course.

[Johnny]

So what if we pull over here in a second and we just try something new where we'll start kissing, but we'll start at like a zero. Start at like a zero. It'll be really nice, real soft. And then we work our way up, start getting there, and soon we'll be at a 10.

[Jake Johnson]

Chany. What are you talking about?

[Johnny]

You know, just, just, just, just thinking it could, could be fun to try.

[Jake Johnson]

But what do you mean a 0 and a 10?

[Johnny]

I mean, I mean like, like we start soft, just a little kiss here and there. Maybe we go to like a two next where, you know, we start using our hands, then we go to like a 7 and it's getting pretty crazy. And then, and then 10.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, but what do you mean then is a 10 intercourse? Because if I told you I'm not ready for that.

[Johnny]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, of course, of course not. Of course. I know you're not ready to attend. Just like crazy, like ridiculously crazy. Like, just, just getting silly.

[Jake Johnson]

But what are you doing with your hands at a three? Because you said Johnny.

[Johnny]

Well, I haven't thought about it that much, so I don't know, but I

[Jake Johnson]

don't think I want to play this with you. I'd like to get dropped back off at the soda fountain. Okay, you got dumped. If this is a video game, you lost nine months.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to jump in. Johnny, I want you to be Anna. I'm going to be you.

[Johnny]

Okay. I'm going to be Anna. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Three, two, action.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so funny how if I floor the car.

[Jake Johnson]

Your voice is so much deeper. You sound like a perverted old man with an 18 year old girl. It's grossing me out going, I would talk about an 18 year old girl. I, as a dad, I will rip you out of that car by your hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've done nothing.

[Jake Johnson]

Now I'm hot. Stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What kind of car are you driving, Johnny?

[Johnny]

Volkswagen.

[Jake Johnson]

Better not be a van.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A Jetta. Okay, here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Three, two. Pigley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Man, I tell you, when I push this jet out of 80, you feel it shake.

[Johnny]

Yeah, I feel a shake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so interesting how it's like the harder I push it, the more intense it gets. It kind of. You know, I was thinking the other day I was talking to a friend of mine who's been with this girl for a while and just the different ways that people kiss. I know we've only just started, but I sort of thinking, would you be down to do a stupid little exercise with me? Because I love kissing you, but I want to make sure you know, it's like exactly what we want. So could be fun to just sort of go from kids.

[Jake Johnson]

I have an idea. I have an idea.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That inspired something. I think you're close to something great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, good.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. I'm gonna be Johnny. Johnny. Ubiana.

[Johnny]

Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

We're driving. Will you give. Will you count us in, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Three, two, piggly. And go.

[Jake Johnson]

How's your day going, Anna?

[Johnny]

Oh, it's going. Going very well. Thank you for asking.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm happy to be with you. Everything going good?

[Johnny]

Yeah, I love it, love it so much. Love spending time with you.

[Jake Johnson]

I love spending time with you. You know, I was thinking the other day, I was getting nervous. Do you like kissing me?

[Johnny]

Yeah, I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I really love kissing you too. I love being with you. Sometimes I think, because I'm obviously inexperienced. Am I always kissing you exactly how you like? Because I kind of don't know what I'm doing sometimes.

[Johnny]

No, no, I think you're. You're great and perfect in every single way.

[Jake Johnson]

That's how I feel about you, too. Can we try something just for me when next time we kiss? And it doesn't have to be now. Now it's awkward, but I just want to make sure that we're both happy with it when we kiss. Can. Can we pretend it's like a volume of like a speaker? And if it's like. So let's say I'm going so intense and like I'm banging into your teeth and you want less, then say like five. And let's say I'm going too soft and you can't feel something. Can you say seven? So we can almost like calibrate kisses together. And I know it's going to be awkward, but I'm just feeling a little bit insecure.

[Johnny]

That. That sounds like an interesting thing to do.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if we don't like it, Anna, we could stop. But maybe we just try it once and then we move on. And if I'm ruining it, I'm really sorry because I don't want to ruin honest with you because I really like you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I think that's.

[Johnny]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Great, Johnny. Because then it's all on you. She's in control. And then on the first one with the kissing, now she's thinking about the seat. Then she could go, you know what? That's maybe a little bit too much, teach. And you go, okay, so what do we think? And then she'll. In her head, she'll go, oh, maybe I'm being aggressive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Johnny]

Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but it's Johnny, so let's go again. Your Johnny. Gareth is Anna.

[Johnny]

Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Too piggly. And

[Johnny]

hey, so how's it going? Having a. Having a nice date?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I really enjoy spending time with you. This is really nice.

[Johnny]

That's excellent. You know, I just wanted to say I really like you a lot, but I was thinking, like. Do you think I'm a good guesser?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean?

[Johnny]

I was just wondering the other day, like, I want. I want both of us to be like, you know, perfectly, perfectly satisfied with this relationship. So I was thinking maybe we could. We could try a little game where we take it. Take our kissing from like level zero to level ten. You know, I'm kind of saying kind of like. Like a volume knob on a speaker. So like, next time, take it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take it back 20 seconds and say it again. So take it from where you said that.

[Jake Johnson]

Kind of agree with Anna here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take it back from where you.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe it's because you're 18, but when you say a game, it's getting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't like game.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't like coming out of an 18 year old. It feels like you're trying to bring

[Gareth Reynolds]

all the numbers early.

[Johnny]

Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

We're trying to. This is a real safe space. And you are not. She does cannot feel pressured sexually.

[Johnny]

Yes. Okay. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I'm having a great day. I love kissing you. Yeah, it's great.

[Johnny]

That's. That's excellent. I was wondering if you would be. I don't know how to say it. Goodness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about this for my insecurities? Can I pitch a little thing we do next time we kiss? Just for fun and just to see how it makes us feel.

[Johnny]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come from like your, like, I'm just like, you know, I like you. I just want to make sure everything's good in that department. Something like that.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I have an idea. John. I can even make this easier because your start was so perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Johnny]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's.

[Johnny]

That's good.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I love that you said. I want to make sure that we're both enjoying this. Then go. Next time we kiss, forget the game. Forget the 0 to 10. Go. Can we just. Can we talk about it after we kiss a little bit and make sure it's what you like?

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And so you then kiss for a little bit and then go, was that too intense? And she'll go, no. And you go, did you think with our teeth hitting it was too much?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel like I keep hitting your teeth.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel like I keep hitting your teeth.

[Johnny]

Like I keep hitting your teeth.

[Jake Johnson]

And then she'll go, maybe it's me. And then you go, I think you're a great kisser. You know? And then you go, maybe what I'M going to do is try to be a little less aggressive and see what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going to try to hit your teeth a little less because I feel like I keep bumping them.

[Jake Johnson]

And then when you do that, you'll both naturally go. And then go, how was that? That felt. I think that was right for me. And then she'll go, great.

[Johnny]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then she'll go, holy, I just got a little bit better kissing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's try that. Let's try that.

[Johnny]

Okay. Okay. Okay. So wait, we just got done kissing or what?

[Jake Johnson]

You just. You're right. You just start kissing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, here we go.

[Johnny]

We just start kissing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Count as a Jake. This is when Gareth, a grown man in his 40s, kisses Johnny.

[Johnny]

3.

[Jake Johnson]

2. Go ahead. I knew you were going to do that. It's unnecessary. Let's just stop it. Hold on, guys. Both you, both you two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're finding this. If we're both doing it all the moment.

[Johnny]

Yeah, we're figuring it out.

[Jake Johnson]

I know it's unnecessary. It's. We're cutting. All that gets cut out. I don't need you two both going. Both of you are creeps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? You're violating a safe space right now.

[Jake Johnson]

I am. Because the audience. I'm protecting their ears. I'm protecting a random person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

25% of the audience is furious at you right now. 25 of the audience.

[Jake Johnson]

They are always. But deep down, I think a lot of them are going, he's not wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't want to hear it back. All right, Here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Johnny 3.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right, we're guessing.

[Jake Johnson]

Cheeky monkey.

[Johnny]

Okay. Okay. So, Anna, how do you. How do you feel? How do you feel like this is going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was nice. I feel good. I really like spending time with you, Johnny.

[Johnny]

That's. I love that. I love spending time with you, too. I was just. I was just thinking, just because I'm a little insecure about this, I just feel a little bad because I feel like I keep. I keep hitting your teeth, and I was wondering if you were noticing the

[Gareth Reynolds]

same thing I did a little. Yeah. But it doesn't bother me. I don't know. I. Yeah, but I did know. I mean. Yeah, we kind of bumped teeth a couple times.

[Johnny]

Yeah. I was just wondering if you wanted to talk about a little bit, see if you had any notes so we could both get better at this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not really. I mean, obviously we haven't, like, kissed too intensely, but.

[Johnny]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you feel good?

[Johnny]

I feel Great. I would just, you know, I'd be willing to try something new, too. Maybe we want to experiment with it a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean? Good.

[Johnny]

Like, maybe we try taking it to some different level. Like, maybe we try a little easier, we try it a little more intense and just see where we're both comfortable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I mean, that sounds good. I like what we're doing, but if you want to try to do it a little different, that's.

[Jake Johnson]

Make sure you say, johnny, if she ever says, I like what we're doing, repeat that phrase instantly.

[Johnny]

Say, I like it, too.

[Jake Johnson]

I do, too. You take away any insecurity. I like what we're doing. Me, too.

[Johnny]

Okay. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you're in a money zone here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do, too. And I think after that conversation, if teeth hit again, you just kind of pause and laugh.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm trying to, like, keep our teeth away. I apologize.

[Jake Johnson]

And every time your teeth hit, it's a joke. You go, our teeth are like magnets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then she'll be like, it's crazy.

[Johnny]

Oh, my goodness. I'll just keep happening.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're aware of it, and guess what's going to happen? It's going to be less and less.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think, honestly not to. I. I think that why this is so good is because it's all you. It's all you. And bringing it up is half the battle. So after that, you know, it's out there.

[Johnny]

Okay, great. I love it. I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When are you going to kiss her next?

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Johnny, what's up? You just became Jonathan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa. Whoa.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry, sorry. You're Johnny.

[Johnny]

Whoa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello, Jonath.

[Jake Johnson]

Jonathan. This is good stuff, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. That should actually be how the name Johnny works.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a man in the bed. There's a man in the bed. Gareth, behind you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, there's a man in the bed.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. Sorry, Johnny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep in mind who. You're listening to all this.

[Jake Johnson]

I saw movement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, There's.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a man in a room. There's movement.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Johnny. There's a.

[Jake Johnson]

Now the pillow got pulled away. There's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The pillow got pulled. The man feels shame now. He. He. The van. Probably try to hide, but, Johnny, just

[Jake Johnson]

remember, Gareth, you said you were no longer doing this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a rare outline and a commercial for booking.com.

[Jake Johnson]

you've lied to us, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, this is a. This is a winning call. I don't think we need to bring in that. I'm fibbing on booking.com. i'm always looking for my Own rooms. This whole trip has been own room. This is the only time. Okay, Johnny, don't let this. Don't let this wet blanket anything that we've been through. This is a winning solution. Okay, I. Honestly, this does make the moaning seem weirder somehow.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know, Gareth, this whole time you haven't said there was a man sleeping in your hotel room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. Behind you. I know, but we've seen his arm

[Jake Johnson]

move under the pillow. I thought there was a rodent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, in many ways there is. And so let's just get out of the call.

[Jake Johnson]

Johnny, put the pillow back into the frame.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, the pillow's doing a bunch of stuff, but, Johnny, that's not what this is about. Okay, Johnny, this is a winning call and you're a winner. And I think this is gonna be great.

[Jake Johnson]

I think Johnny's golden, you're golden.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think this should be replicated for any. Any conversations like this. And I ignore that there's a man behind me. And ignore the pillow stuff. Johnny, thanks for the call. Go get a soda.

[Johnny]

Thank you, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go.

[Johnny]

Thank you so much. See you guys. Love you.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of the POD is brought to you by Quint. If you're wondering who makes the shirt I'm wearing right now, if you're going, whoa, J. His arms and shoulders and chest look slimish, but his arms look bigish and his shoulders look thick. Ish. Oh, it's because of Quints.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Summer.

[Johnny]

Now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Summer. So I've ordered some summer stuff from Quince. I got these great green shorts and I got a, like, kind of. I don't know what to call it. A cottony woolly top. I've never had anything like it, but the second I put it on, it was like a cloud was hugging me. But that's why we use Quince all the time. That's why I wear quints all the time. Wore quints when I recorded my special because I wanted to look good. Everything at quints is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. Listen to that. 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories. They cut out the middle person. So you're paying for quality, not markup. Quints goes way beyond clothing. Custom upholstered sofa, ceramic cookware, premium bedding. What more do you want from these people?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm a big fan. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com here to help. For free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. And now available in Canada too. That's Quince Q-U-I-N-C-E.com here to help for free shipping 365 day returns. Quince.com here to help. I am truly a fan of these clothes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. You guys all know what Squarespace is. Squarespace is where you can build your own website. You want to see what they look like, go to garethreynolds.com I think another one that was from our show is Suits and Wigs. Another one was the fake restaurant or the fake cooking class that woman went to. Shark Bites or something like that. I think we've created a lot of fake websites. Our website helpful pod Squarespace. So yeah, we are fans.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They make it too easy to seem real and professional. That's. That's their problem because we all. Many of our pitches on We're Here to help are. Hey, we could just make a Squarespace site. Places for merge, places for videos. They help you with the SEO tools. Yes, I know what that stands for. All these things. If you want your website to look legitimate, you want people to take you seriously. Squarespace. I'll never stop working with and using Squarespace.

[Jake Johnson]

So go to squarespace.com Gil sent me. Remember, oh, Gilly beans for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Danielle]

Hey, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. How are you?

[Danielle]

I'm good, thanks. My name is Danielle. How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Good, Daniel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. Feels like we're on your podcast a little bit, but where are you today?

[Jake Johnson]

My name is Jake. If there was a book above me, it would be I look sharp in quince shirts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. My name is Gareth and if there were a book about me, it would be I wish I'd put my quints on Jake looks a thousand times better.

[Jake Johnson]

If there was a book about you, it would be. You could get it. And I adopted a chimp with Jake and Gareth on our website. And me. It's whatever our thing is for quince it. Danielle, you don't know this right now, but I'm wearing a quince black T shirt and I look sharp and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And people probably listen to this and they're like, oh, my God, these guys. This is not an ad. We just genuinely off air like this. These clothes are the best. Anyway, Danielle, where are you calling from?

[Danielle]

I'm calling from New York.

[Gareth Reynolds]

New York. You ever worn any quints, Danielle?

[Danielle]

You know what?

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, hold on, hold on. What's funny?

[Danielle]

Actually, Danielle, I Mean, it's really not that funny, but my husband just bought me pajamas from Quince.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say, if you're looking for gifts for a guy, get him the Quince black T shirts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Truly perfect. Do you like pajamas? No pressure. We'll cut.

[Jake Johnson]

We're done with the Quince commercial.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're done with it. Danielle, drop it already.

[Jake Johnson]

Danielle, where in New York are you from?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's obsessed with Quince. Go ahead.

[Danielle]

I'm sorry, what did you say?

[Jake Johnson]

Where in New York are you from?

[Danielle]

Oh, I'm from the Hudson Valley.

[Jake Johnson]

The Hudson Valley. And around. How old are you?

[Danielle]

33.

[Jake Johnson]

33. And there's something you want to tell us about you that you think could be helpful, do it. If not, get right into the meat and potatoes of this call.

[Johnny]

Oh, shit.

[Danielle]

Sorry. No, let's just get into it. All right, so some background. Starting in about 2023, a group of college students moved into our neighborhood and have caused routine chaos. So I live with my husband, like I mentioned, our seven month old daughter on the second floor of our house, and the first floor, my sister lives. And we are directly next door to these college students who are actually teammates and have passed down the lease to this house to future teammates. So it has become like year after year a friend issue. Yeah, basically. So a couple of extreme examples. I mean, like, all of these things have spanned the entire, you know, school year. So in the spring and summer, they've had parties where they're like screaming and screeching until like wee hours of the morning. They've had their mail party guests leave bottles of pee on the hoods of the cars on our Dead End hill. They're parked cars all the way down the block blocking driveways. And then, I don't know if you guys heard, but this past winter was really tough in New York. We had so many huge storms. And so we coordinated the nights before to have all the cars on our streets actually move and park elsewhere just so that we can allow the plows to come up because they were having difficulty coming up. And in the final hours, one student parked at the very bottom of the hill and prevented the plows were coming up for two full days. So I, four months postpartum, dug out this girl's car with our only ally in the house and she was just asleep. The girl that owned the car is just asleep in the house and did not say a single thing since then about, you know, just a thank you. Anyway, so my question is, how do we assert dominance and ensure respect is grandfathered in Specifically to the next generation of teammate that inevitably take over this lease. I grew up in this neighborhood. My parents live on the street. So we just, you know, we're trying to earn that respect. So them a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a great setup. You did a wonderful job. Let me ask you a couple quick questions. What type of team? Male or female?

[Danielle]

So it is a female? I think lacrosse or field hockey. Yeah, one of those two.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so it's females playing lacrosse. And how many ladies are living in there? Or shall. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm not gonna give them the dignity to call them ladies. How many girls are there?

[Johnny]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, Gary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome.

[Johnny]

You're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You look really good.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm wearing quicks.

[Danielle]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

It's a quiz shirt. This isn't a commercial. This is about Danielle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

First I've heard of it. Go, Danielle.

[Jake Johnson]

I look sharp.

[Johnny]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's comfortable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's easy to wear. Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel like I'm on a girls lacrosse team in the Hudson Valley messing with Dan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'm also looking professional enough that I could be at a lawsuit that Danielle puts together to beat the girls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't wear Quincy. I look like I'm peeing in the bottles and leaving it on cars.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly. We're doing cosplay. I'm the lawyer. You're one of the lacrosse girls. Okay. Danielle.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Please continue.

[Danielle]

I think they're going to get off.

[Johnny]

Enough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm talking to you, Danielle. We get it. You like quints. Go ahead. You're in your PJs.

[Jake Johnson]

I got to get this Quinn shirt off of me so we can get focus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I would keep it on. You look fantastic. All right, enough with the question. Go ahead, Danielle.

[Danielle]

Okay. I think there are about five or six teenage. And I actually mentioned. So one we're an ally with. I mean, with one of them. But she's actually a grad student at this point, so she's been in the house for a few years. But she and I dug out the one girl's car. So I think there's five or six of them. And they have like five or six cars, which is kind of one of the other bigger issues that they take over all the parking on this dead end street. But that's. That's not the reason for.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so I think we have a very clear picture. And so to specifically get into what you want help with, Danielle, because there's a lot of roads we could go down here. You were saying? Yeah, because my first Pitch would be, you see in the movie Neighbors, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And also when I see this as a premise for a movie and you're. The first ten minutes. Well, the end of the first act is, we got to get them out. Yeah, we got to get them out. But I don't know if that's your question. You were saying something about get respect. So walk me through that logic so we can pitch on that.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Yeah. So I mentioned we've. We've grown up in this neighborhood. I mean, we left and came back. My parents live here. Like, we've been in this neighborhood for a long time. It's never been a college neighborhood ever.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Danielle]

And that's fine that it's like, I guess this one house has become that. I mean, it's not fine, but you know what I mean? And so it's more about just, like. Just, like, respect the neighbors, but respect the fact that, like, we're right next door. We've helped you out. You know, like, we've cleaned up the garbage that's rolled down the hill. You know, like, we've dug your cars out. So, like, just a level of respect.

[Jake Johnson]

Danielle, I would stop the guilt stuff a little bit, because that's not gonna play with college girls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've got a great case. We're completely on your side, but you

[Jake Johnson]

lean into a lot of. We dug it out. She said anything. We cleaned up the guard. This is not mom to kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You're not talking to fellow adults. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So once it comes to the. What's going to happen is they're going to get defensive and be like that and.

[Johnny]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So. But there is. There is a way to win. But I think from here on out, let's cut that limb off of the.

[Danielle]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

The guilt and all the stuff you've done and nothing they've done. But we do have something about the neighborhood, and we do have something about the history of the neighborhood. My first pitch and my first thought is a PowerPoint presentation of the history of the neighborhood and your family in the neighborhood that you do with other neighbors, and you are welcoming them into the neighborhood, but you're reminding them that this isn't the dormitories, and you have every right to be here. You are a renter in the greatest country in America. In the world. That's America. And you have the right to rent here.

[Johnny]

Here.

[Jake Johnson]

But can we tell you a little history of the street? And I'm talking about PowerPoint presentation of you guys as little girls on the street. I'm talking about music well, now you're

[Gareth Reynolds]

starting to get to where I'm going.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm on heartstrings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are compelling. I think when we go back to the point of you're not. These are not. They're not ready for the adult world. I would go honey over vinegar. I would say maybe what we need to do is every semester, whatever it is, you bite the bullet and you do a. We give you a barbecue to welcome you to the new semester. And in that time, you're also imparting that have a good time. You are in a neighborhood. We're your friends, but there are certain rules. So you're gonna have. In my opinion, you bite the bullet and you go over there. At the start of the semester, you say, we live in the neighborhood. We, you know, we want to. And you just start a tradition of a barbecue or some pizzas or something at the start of every welcome, girls.

[Jake Johnson]

And they meet your daughters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

All these girls, you have them hold the baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think if you go over there and you kind of give that familial touch, it'll not only be. They'll not only feel.

[Jake Johnson]

If any of them ever want to earn extra money as a babysitter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Oh, well.

[Jake Johnson]

Because once they know the world, they'll go like, hey, guys, we gotta quiet down. Janie goes to bed at 8:45. Yeah, I'm in that house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am just thinking back to when I was that age, I would listen to someone who I was like, that person's awesome.

[Johnny]

Them.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel the same way, Gareth. And by the way, not that age. You still would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, still would.

[Jake Johnson]

Honestly, if somebody goes. If I come in and somebody goes, hey, you know what? You're being really loud. I'm gonna be louder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

If somebody goes, hey, I did all these nice things for you. You didn't do anything. I'm gonna be a little bitchy 21 year old girl on a lacrosse team. If somebody goes, hey, welcome to the neighborhood, blah, blah, blah. If you ever need anything from us, if we're ever being. We have babies here, we have kids. So if you ever hear the kids crying, just let us know. You know, if you guys could. If we could just be really neighbor like this. I know you guys are college kids and I was too, so I want you to enjoy yourself. Yeah, but this is really a neighbor. I grew up here. I hope to stay here most of my love. My whole family's here. You know, I've known these neighbors. Carol down the street's 82, God bless her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're starting that with let us feed you on a Saturday. Let us like give you a good time on a Saturday and you get a couple more neighbors and you just say you are owed an apology, but you're not going to get it. So you're just trying to get ahead of the next incident that's going to chap your ass.

[Jake Johnson]

And D, let me give you another option here.

[Johnny]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Play real estate agent. Find another option closer to campus and get a flyer for it and leave it there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I don't hate that.

[Jake Johnson]

And say, yeah, picked this and it's easy. That's closer and bigger. And put it right on the door.

[Johnny]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And see, I like that. Well, maybe I could, maybe I could help you pack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's, it's two pronged strategy. That's your long term play and maybe your short term play is going over there killing them with kindness a little bit. The, I mean, the other thing is if, if you can find someone, you know, and like, who can pay a little more than what they're paying, you know.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Might be a back burner.

[Jake Johnson]

Danielle. Yeah, we threw a lot of spices in this gumbo. What do you, what are you liking? What are you not liking? Because we can take some of this stuff out. You're the customer.

[Danielle]

No, I mean, I am. Yeah, I mean, I hear you. I, I, I don't. We actually haven't said anything specifically about like, you know, you know, coming by or anything like that. So I'm open to that for sure. You know, in terms of like, doing that every time a new set of teammates comes in. Like, I don't know. I also don't know if they're gonna want to hang out with their, like, older neighbor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're gonna want to hang out with you. They're gonna want three things from you. You're bribing them.

[Danielle]

Yeah, exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is pay to play.

[Danielle]

Yeah, totally. So, yeah, I mean, definitely. I'm definitely open to that. And you're right. Like, everyone, you know doesn't mind hanging out with like a dog and a baby from time to time. So I feel like that should be okay to like, show her around. But. Yeah, I do like the idea of the flyer of just kind of like, hey, here are some other options if it were to come to that point.

[Johnny]

I got it.

[Danielle]

I mean, yeah, like I said, it could be like a three prong.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, go crazy.

[Johnny]

1.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's not in love with it, so go well.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, but I think it's all. We're getting to the zone, but we might need. Look, Gareth, you and I don't know karate. But what do we know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Jake, we've talked about it before. We know crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's my pitch. You make up a fake relative who's living with you who's on hospice.

[Danielle]

Oh God.

[Jake Johnson]

And never, you never mention aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, you just say hey. You go there, you put Visine in your eyes, you rub the eyes underneath so you're all teary and you go like. You go with like muffins and a candle. Okay, I go, can we help you? And you go. I just want to let you guys know we've got a relative of the family who's really sick and they're going to be staying with us through their passing. They're going through a lot of treatments. Again, you guys are just college students. This, this heavy burden is not on your girls shoulders. Winning lacrosse games is. I just ask for the next period of time until her passing if we can. And I'm not. And again, girls, it's not just to you, it's to everybody. If we could try to keep things. He's having a real heart. Having a real hard time sleeping and these treatments are medieval. But we're doing the best we can. And this isn't going to be forever, unfortunately. I wish it was. I love her, but until she passes, I'm just asking for as much grace as you got in you. If you don't and you're a 21 year old girl and you say F you Danielle, and you want to piss in bottles, girl, I get it. I'm just asking if you could think about my memo and you go like this. But again girls, I'm doing this to everybody in the neighborhood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I like that. I. I have an. I have another twist on the crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Talk to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Is there any way that we can convince them that maybe like a murder happened in that house?

[Jake Johnson]

Haunt the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the house is like haunted. There's some stuff in there.

[Johnny]

I.

[Jake Johnson]

Honestly Daniel, this sounds like we're making a joke. I think that's a great idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It would. That seems like a joke out.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it ruins the vibe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes,

[Jake Johnson]

Danielle, it turns fun for you and you start doing stuff where like if they close a window, you walk by, you open it, you put something where they go like. They just start going like this place is weird. Well, you know, to their TV outside the window and you start changing the channel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That, that's great. I mean look, we're talking about it. But how it could start is you could Draw up a little fake paperwork where this house is going to be commemorated because careful about the Internet, Gareth.

[Jake Johnson]

They can do a lot of research.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I'm just saying.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but I don't want to pitch it because one of these 21 the all, every single kid is Colombo because of the Internet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're right.

[Jake Johnson]

And they're better than us. And they're better than us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's right. He's right.

[Jake Johnson]

Whenever I try to lie to my kids, within, within two, two seconds, my kids go like this. That didn't happen then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That happened in Japan.

[Jake Johnson]

And I go like this. I was lying. I didn't realize you have. What Eric hates about bars is you have evidence. But, Daniel, what do you think about the idea of planting the seed? That there's something weird about the house and the energy kind of sucks and it keeps getting worse while you're doing the real estate routine. So they just go, yeah, we have really bad luck here. Like, the air of my left tire in my car is always drained. I would maybe get like, like ground beef and start putting it by a certain part of their door. So, like, raccoons and rats start showing up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, if we're talking about ground beef in the roof, I'm not walking away from the conversation.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if you start doing like, you do, like, milk, and you try to put it in, like, a crawl space under, so they're like, what's that smell? And they're like, there was a glass of milk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, there is a spectrum of pitches here, Danielle. It really is. How much do you want to do karate and how much do you want to do crazy?

[Danielle]

Yeah, you know, they, that house is actually on a plot of land where an older house was knocked down because there was some kind of weird stuff going on there. So, I mean, it kind of plays into it. And I, I, I mean, I know that my husband and my sister would be down to do these shenanigans with me, so I, I think I'm leaning towards doing some of this crazy stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We like that. What, what version of it are you thinking about? Are you thinking about trying to add some sort of spookiness? Are you thinking that you, like, like Jake said, you have the pragmatic real estate approach, but then on top of that, that, you know, nothing wrong with making the ice feel a little thin over there.

[Jake Johnson]

So let's start. Danielle, you start spitballing a little bit.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Yeah. So kind of combining a couple of things you guys said, like maybe having a barbecue and Telling some of the stories of, like, the weirdness that was going on next door. And. And. And just, like, picking up, like, oh, yeah, we found this, like, a couple years ago. We found this outside. Found out, and then, like, start to leave some of those things, like, maybe over time. I have no idea what those things are going to be.

[Jake Johnson]

Danielle, one thing. That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So let's do this right off the top of your. Jack, Gareth and I are the girls. You come over and start it.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Danielle]

All right. So I'm going to invite you guys to the barbecue. That's the first thing I'm doing. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

But in real life, are you going to do a barbecue?

[Danielle]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. I think that's how I start.

[Jake Johnson]

You invite them over, so you're being nice. And there you start talking about the weird. Weirdness.

[Danielle]

Yeah, yeah, some of the weirdness.

[Jake Johnson]

Dude, how about this? So that it's not a murder because you grew up there. You talk about it. You talk about, like, the old guy who used to live there, how he used to have blackout curtains and he used to paint the windows black and go like, as kids, we were all so afraid of that house. It was like, it's so funny that you guys are there. That was like the haunted house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, also, it's like you. You used to talk about how he buried victims in the backyard. Like, there was a whole lot about the whole backyard.

[Jake Johnson]

What you know is a fact. It was an pet cemetery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He buried his.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Because he had so many.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My uncle does that. That's not crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

But, like, he had so many dogs and cats that, like, so many animals were buried back there. But he also had, like, random. And you're like, I don't know if they were junkies or. But they were just people around that all of a sudden would disappear, but their cars would be there, and then he would always be shoveling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what.

[Jake Johnson]

Nobody ever came looking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I love that we're making this guy the neighbor from Home Alone Pet Cemetery. I'm gonna go a step further. And I think there's upside to either way of this. If you just. And this is not gonna sound good when it comes out of my mouth, but if you just get some smaller bones, like femurs, tibias. And a couple months after the barbecue, you just have a couple of them under the stairs. When they walk in, one of them notices. Best case, they're going, holy. There are animal bones under this place. And worst case, they go, if they're trying us out of town, I don't want to be here. These people are throwing bones under stairs.

[Danielle]

Yeah, that's a win. Win. I love it. I think, like I said, it's like, it's fun, and also it keeps it a little bit lighter than us. Just like, you know, like you guys said, like, I don't want to just be horrible neighbors. So, yeah, I'm. I'm into this for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

So then walk us through. You drive the train a little bit it. And you want to role play or just talk about it like it's a short story. What do you prefer?

[Danielle]

Well, there's a bunch of them, so I can just. I guess I can just kind of short story it so that I imagine I'm going to be, like, holding court.

[Jake Johnson]

So let's do this.

[Johnny]

Hold court.

[Jake Johnson]

Let us know. Tell the audience about the story of Danielle and the neighbors. What are you going to do? And then when you follow up with us, you're going to recap at this sale, and we're going to ring the bell after her.

[Danielle]

All right, all right. Yeah, I'll give you a quick overview. So. All right, Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take a second. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[Danielle]

Yeah. All right. So. All right, guys. So growing up, we, you know, lived in this neighborhood. My. My grandparents built the house that we're currently living in, and we had these neighbors next door that had so many dogs, so many cats. There was constantly, you know, barking and so many noises coming from the inside. They were always leaving the front door wide open. Dogs would be, like, running around on the street. A couple times we saw some people passed out in the cars. Kind of gave, like, a junkie vibe. And, you know, unfortunately, they. It did seem like they were once a dog or cat passed away, they were kind of burying them in the backyard. We never wanted to walk by. You know, there are some stairs that, you know, connect the top of the hill to the other part of the street. And we would always avoid going up and down those stairs because we felt like they were looking out the window. But, yeah, I don't know if you guys have seen anything kind of weird in that backyard or anything like that, but just wanted to, don't know, mention it. Don't know how I'm gonna end it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Clearly, the details are phenomenal.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's a great start. You know what I wouldn't be afraid to do? Danielle, playfully talk about how and have an image of your head of who he was, but it was. Yeah, it's crazy that that house is now, like a fun house. It was this Scariest house ever. And your parents who built said it was scary before. And we used to always think of it as, like. And then go like, can I ask you girls a question? Does anything ever weird happen there at night? Like, it was always the haunted house house. And they're like, now it doesn't even seem like that. It seems, like, painted and nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But what's so crazy about this neighborhood is, like, it used to be all of us were afraid of it. Like, Halloween.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

People would like. And I was like, so can I just ask you guys, like, does anything happen weird there? And what you're trying to do is you're trying to get them to be like, ew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I love. I love the door open. Dogs in and outs. I like, burn. I mean, I don't like it, but the pitch of burning dogs, burying cats.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. There would be, like, he sometimes wouldn't leave the house for weeks. Like, he went crazy in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

City was trying to get into his place because he was an animal hoarder,

[Jake Johnson]

but everything's got to be. I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's what we used to say. Have you guys noticed that there would

[Jake Johnson]

be, like, police there a lot?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And they. And he was fighting the city all the time, that sort of stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

We think he died in the house, but we don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobody knows.

[Jake Johnson]

But, like, there used to be, like. There used to, like, truly be, like, weird smells.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Yeah. This. This is fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I think this could really work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do too.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so, Danielle, will. Will you follow up with us what you do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Danielle]

Yeah, definitely. I mean, we're hoping to do it asap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Get your husband on the same page, too. Have, like, detailed stories so that it can be like, you know, a few of you are throwing it out there.

[Danielle]

Yeah, for sure.

[Johnny]

Awesome.

[Danielle]

Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, Danielle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go get him.

[Danielle]

Thank you.

[Johnny]

Hello. Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Welcome back. What was the first call? What's your name? Update us.

[Danielle]

Thank you. So my name is Danae. Initially, I had called in with a best advice story, actually, and then it kind of turned into a conversation about how I was smoking cigarettes and needed to stop drop within the year. I remember this was back in October.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so remind us what happened. You were a smoker. I remember I got mad at you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Danielle]

Yeah. Yeah. I had talked about how my friend made her husband empty his wallet if he ever bummed a cig off of somebody. And so I would, like, offer. If he had cash in his wallet, I'd offer him one. And then you guys were like, why do you of things? And you should stop doing that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so what's going on? What's the update, Big dog?

[Danielle]

Ring the bell.

[Jake Johnson]

You quit smoking?

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

For how long?

[Danielle]

We freaking did it. We freaking did it. Well, so March 25th was the last. My last pack.

[Jake Johnson]

It's only April 7th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty good. Pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Yes. I mean, this has been going on for six months.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It takes a minute.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so walk us through. Danae. What happened?

[Danielle]

It does. So I tried everything. I tried Berg's advice to push back my morning cigarette by an hour periodically and just kept rebounding. And then finally, I mean, my friends were great accountability buddies. Every time I tried to bum a sig off of one of them when we were out, they were like, no, she has to quit. It's for the podcast, but. I know. But what actually ended up doing it was anytime I smoked, I made myself listen to Love Story by Taylor Swift. Scooter Bronze version for the duration of the time that I was smoking. Swear to God, it took three days. Wow, three days. That's pretty smart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's great. Right now you're over three weeks, which is when I believe the physical addiction leaves. Are you still thinking about cigarettes?

[Danielle]

Not really. I mean, honestly, the association, like. And I don't want to get hate from the Swifties, so that's why I specifically chose Scooter Braun's version, because I'm an ally. But yeah, I think the association I would have. I had, like, Nicorette gum for the few. For the first few days to, like, tide me over. But I. I will say, since then, I had a birthday, and then I moved the same week that I. That my dissertation proposal was due. So I've cheated a couple of times, but it's only as a little treat. And I'm not buying that. I'm not spending my own money on them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, get out.

[Danielle]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

So March 25th, you quit, but you've smoked since.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you've had them on your birthday and dissertation and moving day.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but, like, the bell don't ring the bell.

[Danielle]

No, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, it's not accurate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's just not accurate. Listen, you're flexing about the accountability buddies. Cheats count. Okay? No, no, no. Hold on, though. Hold on. Let's all cool out. Now. Here's what we're going to say is if you call us in two months and you haven't had one, then you are right then. Okay, not only are you right, let's do two things here. Maybe, Jake, let's set A punishment and a reward. I think I know what the reward can be.

[Jake Johnson]

What's the reward?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A Steve Berg autographed calendar.

[Danielle]

Highly motivational.

[Jake Johnson]

The pause was incredible. The delivery was 10 out of 10. I was just 10 out of me. 10 do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And shall we set a punishment? Do you need a punishment?

[Danielle]

And I do have an idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, go.

[Danielle]

So I had actually proposed this when I was, like, struggling in the six months between our first call and now. I had initially proposed this to, I think, Jesse, but then I kind of chickened out. I have this ring that has my cat's baby teeth in it. It's like a pillbox ring. And it is. I think that we could. We could do a couple of ways.

[Johnny]

If.

[Danielle]

If this has to do with the punishment, I could either send it to you guys, and I only get it back if I quit, or if I don't quit, I have to send it to you guys at the end of the two months.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this?

[Danielle]

Or a secret third thing?

[Jake Johnson]

How about that? I like that a lot. If you end up smoking in the next two months, you gotta. We'll get you Steve Berg's P.O. box. You gotta send it to him, and he's gonna hold it until you've quit for a year.

[Johnny]

Year.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

If you cheat one time,

[Johnny]

it.

[Jake Johnson]

The year starts over.

[Johnny]

Yep.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Quit. Quitting's quitting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quitting's quitting. And by the way, don't smoke. You can get a free calendar, and you get to keep the cat teeth, which has value to you.

[Danielle]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't smoke.

[Danielle]

You're close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the cheating. The cheating is what happens. You need to reset your mind to be like. You can't have any. Any. Any is cheating.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Danielle]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How bad you want a calendar chunky hunk on your wall?

[Danielle]

Extremely badly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Danielle]

I. I need it.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, this is it. So follow up with us, and we'll move forward.

[Johnny]

Yep. But.

[Jake Johnson]

But your subject was great success, and that's not accurate.

[Danielle]

Oh. But, hey, I think we can take a little win. It's not a total win. Maybe we're not ringing the bell.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not ringing a bel.

[Johnny]

Bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Danae, listen, it's a good start to a bell ring, but my hand's not even on the string.

[Danielle]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Come on now. Lock in.

[Danielle]

Okay, we're locking in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Getting that chunky hunk on your wall.

[Danielle]

I need my cat's teeth, however.

[Jake Johnson]

You got so much going on here, I just got to get off the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll talk to you later.

[Danielle]

Okay, thanks, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, everybody, We Just want to remind you, if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Rose Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only. And all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Danielle]

That was a Headgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and Alexa,

[Danielle]

AKA the Popcorn Queen and King.

[Johnny]

Hey, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family. As many of you know from episodes

[Danielle]

224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[Danielle]

That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday

[Gareth Reynolds]

expenses during recovery so they could focus

[Danielle]

focus on what's most important. Healing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load. If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate at a R a n a krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being

[Danielle]

such an incredible community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And thank you for always being there to help. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome to Jackass the podcast, a new show. Coming to, coming to.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome to Jackass the podcast, a new show now on Head Gum. Woo hoo.

[Johnny]

Woo woo.

[Jake Johnson]

I've learned a Jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes every minute over is a minute to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Apparently, there's only so much butthole you can take. We're gonna take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best spits, bad behavior, and even worst decisions, all of it. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions, Jeff. I've noticed that every so often with gasoline like Spike Jones.

[Jake Johnson]

I think let's commit to Jackass, the podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was it gonna be called? The Jackass Podcast. Jackass Podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Without you, the IQ drops significantly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Steve O. There's a strong chance that were it not for Jackass, that I would be in clown makeup right this fucking minute. Chris Pontius, that shot of your butt

[Jake Johnson]

just cruising up, I'm like, yeah, I got that on tv.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God bless us, Dave England.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. When you come in and you're being

[Gareth Reynolds]

really nice, damn it.

[Jake Johnson]

Something bad's gonna happen to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wee Man Jeff grabbed me from the

[Jake Johnson]

back of the head and threw a punch.

[Johnny]

The whole bar just stopped and wanted

[Gareth Reynolds]

to kill me and some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning.

[Jake Johnson]

I had to share a room with this guy, and I left a nice surprise in the toilet for him every time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Apparently, he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass, the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts.

[Jake Johnson]

Our new episodes drop on June 18th. Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram and TikTok @JackassThePodcast. What were we just talking about? Probably buttholes.

[Danielle]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sterling K. Brown.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show.

[Danielle]

This is Us. That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we going to cry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.