303: You Got the Stink on You (with Lamorne Morris)

Summary

"We're Here to Help"

Episode 303: You Got the Stink on You (with Lamorne Morris)
Release Date: July 1, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Lamorne Morris

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Overview

In this laughter-filled advice episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, joined by special guest Lamorne Morris (known for "New Girl"), tackle bizarre and relatable listener dilemmas with their signature blend of heartfelt attempts, improvised role-playing, and unabashed goofiness. The standout theme: sometimes giving advice is as much about empathy and comic relief as it is about practicality.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. The Toll or the Tab? – Show Language & Announcements

[01:21–07:30]

• Debating whether the show should use the phrase "pay the toll" or "pay the tab" for emotional "cost of advice."
• Reacting to listener feedback poking fun at their terminology—listeners enjoy corrective banter.
  • “I just think there’s some nuance to it. It’s, ‘Hey, dumbass, it’s a toll, not a tab.’” (Gareth, 02:59)
• Soft Announcement: Jake and Gareth tease a possible new spin-off involving Gareth and Catherine Reitman, focusing on issues skewed more "female," with working titles like "Rat and Cat Pod."
  • "We're always trying to evolve and grow the show and change the show because that's fun for us." (Jake, 06:56)

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2. Caller Update: Margaret's Accent Journey

[10:47–21:34]

• Caller: Margaret (from Iceland, working with Ukrainian refugees)
• Follows up on a previous episode where the community helped her pick an accent to "stick to."
• Live performance of her various accents (International, Icelandic, UK, and reluctant attempts at Jamaican, Ukrainian).
  • "I'm thrilled." (Margaret, 11:21)
  • "If you find yourself investing in a company, make sure it's toilet paper. If you're going to Dubai." (Margaret, trying her best Jamaican, 20:25)
• Discussion goes off the rails about Dubai, sex worker rumors, and the enduring impracticality of stereotypes.
  • Memorable improv about bringing toilet paper to Dubai as an in-joke—delightful and absurd.
• Confirmed: Margaret’s accent consolidation has improved social ease; sharing the episode with her community elicited positive feedback.

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3. Caller Problem: The “Stinky Hug” Church Friend

[25:39–64:51]
Caller: "Brittany" from Arkansas

Situation

• Brittany’s friend at church (pseudonym "Ashlyn") always hugs her, consistently leaving her with body odor (B.O.) on her shoulder. Brittany wants to know:
  a) How to avoid or fix the "B.O. hug,"
  b) Or whether to tell her friend about it.

Host and Guest Advice (Rapid-Fire Pitches)

• Lamorne’s Pitch: Disarm with a hand-shake sandwich instead of a hug.
  • “You have to walk up, chest high, hand out … when she shakes your hand, you then take your other hand and put it on top of her hand.” (Lamorne, 29:10)
• Jake’s Pitch: After a hug, pretend you’re the source of the odor and shame yourself, prompting her to notice and (ideally) self-correct.
  • “After the next hug with her, you go, ‘Oh my God, girl, I'm so sorry. I think I just made you stink…’” (Jake, 32:15)
• Gareth’s Pitch: Gift perfume to her and other women in the church, then check if she uses it.
• The “Be Direct” Pitch (Lamorne): Pull her aside and gently tell her about the issue under the banner of sisterhood.
  • “...you say, I love you, girl, ...but I’m not sure if you know this, but you might want to add a little bit of extra deodorant.” (Lamorne, 38:47)

Role-Playing & Debate

• Brittany practices the various scripts on-air. Hosts and Lamorne improvise as "Ashlyn," raucously debating kindness, confrontation, and rumor risk.
• Much laughter at the awkwardness of addressing personal hygiene, mixing real concern with over-the-top church community banter.
  • “You gotta walk up to this sister, hold her hand … say, girl, I love you … there's an odor coming.” (Lamorne, 41:53)
  • “No, girl, you don’t … just the outside of your shoulder.” (Jake, 60:29, as Ashlyn)

Resolution / Takeaway

• Brittany leans toward Jake’s strategy (self-blaming then prompting awareness), with the backup of direct honesty if that approach fails.
• Blended final advice: Start with self-deprecating odor discovery, but escalate to gentle honesty if needed.
• Commitment secured: Brittany will “smell her armpit and just bite the bullet and do it” next Sunday and promises to call back with an update.
  • “I’m gonna do the combo pitch. I’m gonna smell her armpit and just bite the bullet and do it.” (Brittany, 62:39)
  • "Let’s do it Sunday." (Brittany, 63:00)

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4. Caller Update: “Muffin Beef” – The Suspicious Coworker

[64:57–82:06]
Caller: Santos (recurring)

Situation

• Santos bakes treats (via his wife) for the office. Coworker “Joe” refuses to eat them and has made fun of Santos’ scooter usage, which complicates the dynamic.
  • “You can’t make fun of a man on a scooter.” (Santos, 67:12)

Advice & Digression

• Plan: Stage a “sting,” have another coworker claim to provide the same baked goods and see if Joe eats them.
• Tangents about cleanliness—hosts posit that Santos’s record of wearing increasingly dirty shirts may sub-consciously deter Joe from eating his food.
  • "If a coworker who I really like, nice guy, was just filthy, wore a really disgusting shirt, and he goes, ‘My wife cooked my favorite food,’ ...I'd have to pass." (Jake, 76:06)
• Lamorne jokes: “Give him some shrooms in that.” (69:57)
• Empathy: Acknowledge that stains don’t equal filth, but perception matters.
• Resolution: Santos to run the “sting” and call back with results; Jake offers to confront Joe himself if need be.

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5. Listener Voicemail: Positive Feedback

[82:18–83:32]

• A listener expresses her appreciation for the podcast's heartfelt, "dad-like" advice, especially regarding young men and difficult topics.
  • “That is how I would expect or really want an adult, quote, unquote, real man to help one of my sons through that predicament … you guys handled that like real champs.” (Listener, 83:12)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jake (about feedback): “People just think we’re stupid.” (02:41)
• Lamorne: “She’s your sister in Christ, which runs deep.” (38:35)
• Gareth: “If you do that, maybe you convert that move to everybody so she sees everybody changed it up.” (30:20)
• Jake (on B.O.): “It’s disgusting. Walk up to her. Put your shoulders back.” (47:03)
• Lamorne (on directness): “If I got a booger in my nose, I don’t want an anonymous letter. Walk up and say, ‘Here’s some tissue. Blow that real quick.’" (41:19)
• Santos: “I just had to make him dirty and dirtier until he told me, ‘Let’s order you some shirts.’” (74:53)
• Jake to Santos: “If a coworker…was just filthy…I'd be like this…I can only imagine what that house looks like…” (76:06)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:21] – Toll/Tab debate & new show spin-off tease
• [10:47] – Margaret’s accent improv & update
• [25:39] – Brittany’s B.O. dilemma & multi-stage advice roleplay
• [64:57] – Santos's “Muffin Beef” update
• [82:18] – Heartfelt listener feedback voicemail

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Tone and Style

• Candid, conversational, irreverent but caring.
• Heavy on improvisation, riffing, and roleplay, blending real advice with wisecracks and inside jokes.
• Comfortable pushing serious topics into absurd and therapeutic territory; makes listeners feel included in the community.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

• This episode was a masterclass in how to handle awkward social issues (like telling someone they smell) with empathy, humor, and strategy.
• The hosts and guest offered both silly and insightful solutions, modeling how to roleplay difficult conversations.
• The episode was rich in organic, laugh-out-loud moments, but never lost sight of the genuine intent to help.
• Listeners are encouraged to follow up, as the show thrives on the ongoing stories and resolutions.
• Takeaway: If you need advice—or just a laugh—you’re in welcoming (if slightly weird) company.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a headgun podcast.

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[Jake Johnson]

And we are back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Back.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, we got an email. It's about the term pay the toll that people don't like. We have made an adjustment. But there is an audio connected. This is from a.m. caldwell. It says it's a toll. Pay the toll with love. Let's hear it together. I don't know if it's positive or negative. I haven't heard it. But let's use a little bit of this intro to hear what a period and period says about pay the toll. And let's react in real time and see what happens. How does that concern.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That sounds great. And again, I mean, it was an easy shorthand way for the listeners to know that we and the audience are invested in the future of this.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's all it was.

[Jake Johnson]

Whenever you're ready, sir.

[Brittany (Caller)]

In the most loving way possible. New guys used to call it a

[Natalie Hollis]

toll, which makes sense.

[Jake Johnson]

Now you've started calling it a tap,

[Natalie Hollis]

which makes no sense.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a toll, guys. Pay the toll. You know what the audience has really been pinpointing and it happened with the 300th. With the our friend who's got the taking too many dumps in a day problem and we told him to go to the hospital. While at the hospital, I think people just think we're stupid. It's, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I'm sure you. I've received. It's where someone's very comfortable so they'll just be like, idiot.

[Lamorne Morris]

Idiot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, dummy. Like they're in there. There was no, there were no mittens on that punch. That was just fully a dummy. Hey, I love this show. I really think it's a good idea. I just think there's some nuance to it's. Hey, dumbass, it's a toll, not a tab.

[Jake Johnson]

So we have recently switched from toll to tab. I don't know how it happened, but it's happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Show evolves, babe. My guess is that if we say pay the toll, we're going to get an equal amount of shit. But what I like is we can now put it on this person.

[Jake Johnson]

And you know what else we're talking about when you said the show evolves, babe. We're going to softly announce something right now that's premature.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very premature.

[Jake Johnson]

Cares.

[Santos (Caller)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we're pretty much applying a pressure

[Jake Johnson]

on her right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've got. There's a. We're going to do. We pretty much have a date.

[Santos (Caller)]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

The great Catherine Reitman and Gareth are going to start doing some calls together and we're going to release them occasionally on Friday. We're just gonna see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I. If we're doing premature, let's be premature. I can tell you that I've been. We've been talking a little bit back and forth about how to make it a little different.

[Jake Johnson]

Talk to men.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't even. I think she kind of liked this pitch. I mean, we could have her on for a little pitch session.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do. The intro's gonna end in a couple of minutes, so just give us a little taste of the premature.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It could be a weird her to help. And it's more problems that skew female, where I'll be a dunce who doesn't understand a little bit about some of the stu. So Cat is in a little bit more of a knowledgeable role still. Problems, legit problems, whatever it is.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I don't love about it, okay. It's putting her in this spot to be the reasonable one and you're the silly one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I still say for that. I still think we're gonna have crazy calls.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but I don't want the dynamic to be. She's doing it. And Gareth is doing all the jokes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The. I don't either.

[Natalie Hollis]

It won't.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, you do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I really don't. I think Cat is so fucking casual.

[Jake Johnson]

The only thing. The only problem with that is if. If she's in a spot where she has to always be like, you know, that really is a problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then when you talk about it, think about it. Think about it like this.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our show.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rarely are we going at the caller. I mean, for the most part, we're bantering back and forth and we're jabbing back at Each other.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that stuff that is, that happens to Cat and I when on the phone, when texting, when she's been on the show. So I think that element, it's really just trying to maybe find another zone for an angle. I don't think it's necessary.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's just you create a title that's different, that's you guys. But it's, you know, we're taking calls of solving problems and it's a little bit more, you know, what were we? The rat, the cat and the dog? Yes, it's the rat and the cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the sub. I will say the subject line to the email I sent to Natalie was rat and cat pod.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like. And then, you know, it could be something beginning with relationship things because it's a guy in a girl's point of view. But I would also keep it totally open to whatever the fuck happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the first where you have one in the books.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so she's into it. We'll see.

[Jake Johnson]

Like we did with weird as well. Comment, give us thoughts, let us know what we think. We are always trying to evolve and grow the show and change the show because that's fun for us. If you just like listening to the main show always Monday and Wednesday. But I would say I can give it a shot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we've had Cat is always mentioned as. Oh, she's one of the best goats of the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Love her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, she is the best.

[Jake Johnson]

So everybody enjoy some ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

and we are brought to you by Wayfair. Oh Wayfair. Listen, Wayfair crushes it. Your space should feel like you. And if it doesn't yet, that's probably not a taste problem. It's a budget problem. Well, Wayfair fixes that. I know that. I got a lot of stuff from Wayfair. It just Feels more like a home. I've got a new end table for a lamp. Not a new lamp, but now it feels like a new lamp. A thing for all the bedding at the end of the bed, which is great. I call it the bedding casket. You know, it looks like if a sheet Dracula would rise up out of it. But. But it just gives you all those little, dare I say, accoutrement that makes your home feel a lot more like a home. And there's so much stuff. I mean, you're going through it, you are flying through it. It's unbelievable how much stuff is on there. You could get lost in Wayfair. I did get lost in Wayfair for a little bit. Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to Wayfair.com right now, shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W A Y F A I R Com. And we are brought to you by booking dot com. Oh, sweetbooking dot com. Yeah. Well, I mentioned before just how often I'm using booking.com these days. They make it simple. You get a real sense of where you're going, what it's going to be like. It makes travel a lot easier because you can see on your phone, your computer, where you're going. And it depends who you're going with. Are you going with buddies? You're going with family? Are you going with the elderly? Are there youths? You're going to make it yours. I've had a couple of trips in the last year with a couple of friends of mine where we've just kind of tried to find somewhere in the middle of nowhere. One of them was in Colorado, Middle of Colorado, up in the mountains. And I'm not going to lie, it was like a kind of like a dome. Steve Berg was there and. And we stayed in a dome. All that through booking.com. you just find these places if whatever you're, whatever you're looking for, whatever you're booking for, you can find it there. I'm going to go see a Packer game this fall with a couple of buddies of mine, Bears fans, and we're going to find a place and we're going to share it together and then we're going to put tape down the middle of the place like a sitcom. This is what booking.com offers you. So I cannot recommend using them enough. Go on, book that trip. It's easy. Booking.com booking. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Natalie Hollis]

Hi. Can you hear me?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I got you perfectly. Can you hear me?

[Natalie Hollis]

Beautiful.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I can Is this a follow up or a first call?

[Natalie Hollis]

This is a follow up.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. Can you tell us your name, what your call was? And then I'm gonna tell you who's here because you got a special one on the following.

[Natalie Hollis]

Oh, my goodness. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I got Lamore Morris.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He couldn't wait.

[Jake Johnson]

You got Lamorne Morris.

[Lamorne Morris]

She's like.

[Jake Johnson]

She knows who. She's like this. You got the King.

[Natalie Hollis]

I'm thrilled.

[Jake Johnson]

Should be thrilled. You want to hear a quick thing that Lamorne told me earlier about Dubai?

[Natalie Hollis]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Lamorne, what happened in Dubai?

[Lamorne Morris]

My man, what happened in Dubai? Oh, I got propositioned by a woman. I couldn't see her face, though she was wearing one. She was wearing.

[Natalie Hollis]

Did you take it?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I didn't because I was. Those thrown off.

[Jake Johnson]

He told me that Dubai's crazy because

[Lamorne Morris]

it's every woman that. Not every woman that I met, but majority if. If they're workers.

[Jake Johnson]

Sex workers, like real estate agents.

[Lamorne Morris]

You can be a real estate agent. Instead of showing you a house, she trying to sell you that for a fee.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you believe this to be true?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a long pause.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm asking you the caller.

[Natalie Hollis]

Yes. Hi, it's Margaret.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, Margaret. So Margaret is Margaret. Margaret is from Iceland. Okay. Margaret wanted to know which accent to use because she can do a bunch of different natural accents. Correct, Margaret?

[Natalie Hollis]

Yes, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

So Margaret is also really funny. Margaret, will you give Lamorne a taste of your different accents that you use in real life?

[Natalie Hollis]

Absolutely. Do you want to feed me a line?

[Jake Johnson]

Lamorne, will you feed her any line? She'll say it in all her different accents.

[Lamorne Morris]

I just booked a ticket to Dubai and I'm making sure I bring toilet paper.

[Natalie Hollis]

All right, so the one that was voted my most natural one, I guess was international, just a medium.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear that.

[Natalie Hollis]

So I just bought a ticket to Dubai and I'll make sure to bring toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, can we hear your Icelandic one? Remember, you had one that was very Icelandic.

[Natalie Hollis]

I just bought a ticket to Dubai and I'll make sure to bring my toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you had another one. What was the other one?

[Natalie Hollis]

The uk.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we hear the UK one?

[Natalie Hollis]

I've just bought a ticket to Dubai and I'll make sure to bring toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

And Margaret, I hate to do this to you, but Lamorne just asked. Can we hear it in Jamaican,

[Santos (Caller)]

please?

[Jake Johnson]

Just commit. You're good at this stuff. Can we hear it in j.

[Lamorne Morris]

Blood.

[Natalie Hollis]

Cl.

[Lamorne Morris]

Just about my blood clot. Ticket to Dubai. May I? Get me a toilet paper. Get my bum Clad. Toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

That's good. Chad Hanks's is better. He's got such a good Jamaican accent. Jamaican people are like this.

[Santos (Caller)]

Oh,

[Jake Johnson]

They copy him in schools.

[Lamorne Morris]

So Margaret Miguine to Dubai. I mean, I get my.

[Jake Johnson]

Ms. Margaret, what is happening with this follow up? Tell us what's going on. We picked the more middle one, correct?

[Natalie Hollis]

Yes, the community did.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the community did. People voted. And where are we at? What's been going on here? Killer?

[Natalie Hollis]

It's been really good. I've genuinely been trying to stick to it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Natalie Hollis]

And I mean it. It gets to be tough. I work with a lot of Ukrainian refugees.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Natalie Hollis]

So I have to focus.

[Jake Johnson]

Why? Because you want to just copy their accents?

[Natalie Hollis]

It would happen if I didn't have one to stick to. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So can you say it in a Ukrainian accent, how that would sound? I just went to.

[Natalie Hollis]

This is such a slippery soap.

[Jake Johnson]

Why?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I don't know.

[Natalie Hollis]

It feels wrong

[Jake Johnson]

to do it in Ukrainian.

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

At least I think so.

[Lamorne Morris]

You're doing all these other accents.

[Jake Johnson]

Kind of offensive. Ukrainians say you won't do it.

[Lamorne Morris]

The Ukrainians are like, we're people too. You should mock us.

[Natalie Hollis]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, then, fine. Do it in Jamaican.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ukrainian or Jamaican market. You pick.

[Jake Johnson]

3, 2, 1. Let's hear one of them.

[Brittany (Caller)]

You guys are the worst.

[Listener Feedback Caller]

All right.

[Lamorne Morris]

What about, like. What about, like, a Nigerian?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, do you have a Nigerian?

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I could.

[Jake Johnson]

You can try it. I can't. Gareth can't.

[Lamorne Morris]

I am on my way to Dubai, but have to make sure I get my toilet paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because when I am there, they are going to take a poop on my chest and I do not want them to take the poop. Nobody wants the poop on their chest because you got the poo poo and

[Jake Johnson]

it does not smell good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's still the poo poo guy.

[Jake Johnson]

But you know who that reminded me of? I just saw this Instagram clip of this guy who said white documentarians and what they film in Africa. And it would be this, like, beautiful building. And the guy would go like, no. There would be one homeless guy and he would push it and go, yes. And it'd be like three successful people. He'd be like, no. So, Margaret, you're saying the follow up is that it's working, the community voted correctly and things are good. It's been really good.

[Natalie Hollis]

And for the people where I was, like, really slipping in between them at school, I then just showed them the episode.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, really?

[Natalie Hollis]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And what did they say?

[Natalie Hollis]

They loved me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did they think about the episode overall and the vibe of the show?

[Lamorne Morris]

Who cares?

[Jake Johnson]

They loved me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You seen a bump in the Icelander numbers?

[Lamorne Morris]

No. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

It's fine. So you showed it to some people in your world and they loved you?

[Natalie Hollis]

Yes, a select few.

[Jake Johnson]

This feels positive, Margaret.

[Lamorne Morris]

Great.

[Natalie Hollis]

It's really good. This is a bell ring. I'm genuinely very happy.

[Jake Johnson]

Ok, great. This is a nice wintering. You're. You are a great caller. You are a great caller.

[Natalie Hollis]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Part of the community.

[Natalie Hollis]

I lost the helpies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know you were nominated, but before

[Jake Johnson]

we go really fast. I've heard a lot of no's from you today and that is not you, Margaret. You are a shooter. You are a bullet and a gun. It just fires without thought. I just need to hear really fast. I'm going to Dubai. I gotta bring my toilet paper. With your best Jamaican accent in 3, 2 and.

[Natalie Hollis]

Lamore, do it first.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

Me on my way to Dubai and I have to bring my toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two. Margaret, go.

[Natalie Hollis]

I can't.

[Jake Johnson]

Just don't even think. Just see what happens if it's bad. It's fine. Lamorn. One more time.

[Ad Read Voice]

How about this?

[Jake Johnson]

A new sentence. Lamorn, just copy what you're hearing. A new whatever you want to say.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay. If you find yours, if you find yourself in Dubai, you have to make sure that there is toilet paper near.

[Jake Johnson]

It's essentially the same sentence. What is the deal?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Citizen message through a Jamaican accent.

[Jake Johnson]

Lamor got tired.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay, I'll try one more. I'll try another.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two, Lamor.

[Lamorne Morris]

And if you're gone to invest in a company, you have to make sure that it is a toilet paper company. Because you never know when the flight will get derouted to Dubai.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Much easier at this point, Margaret, you should at least know how to say toilet paper and a Jamaican accent.

[Jake Johnson]

So Margaret, totally.

[Santos (Caller)]

You don't have.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't have to be word perfect, but let's not go. You know me. I'm going to stay on this until we can get out of the call and whatever the accent is. So just please, in three, two. Come on, Margaret, what do you got? A gal from Jamaica. Go.

[Natalie Hollis]

If you find yourself.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I can't.

[Jake Johnson]

3, 2, 1. Just commit. Just commit. 3, 2 and. What do you got? Jamaica.

[Natalie Hollis]

If you find yourself investing in a company.

[Jake Johnson]

Teacher, teacher. Give her the more helper. Coach her.

[Lamorne Morris]

You have to say you're going to Dubai. Just say I want that. I'm going to Dubai.

[Jake Johnson]

That's it? You just got to say that. Practice.

[Natalie Hollis]

I run to Dubai.

[Lamorne Morris]

Let's go. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two. Take us to Kingston.

[Natalie Hollis]

If you find yourself investing in a company and you go on to Dubai,

[Lamorne Morris]

make sure.

[Natalie Hollis]

Make sure to bring.

[Lamorne Morris]

To bring your toilet.

[Natalie Hollis]

The toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

Let's go.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Now.

[Jake Johnson]

Put it all together. Because your money in the bank. Three, two. Margaret and Jamaica.

[Natalie Hollis]

If you find yourself investing in a company, make sure toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

Come on. Three, two, and kill it.

[Natalie Hollis]

If you find yourself investing in company, make sure it's toilet paper. If you're going to Dubai.

[Jake Johnson]

It's so bad.

[Brittany (Caller)]

It's so bad.

[Jake Johnson]

Margaret, we appreciate the call, as always. You crushed it. And guess what? Now you got a new concern. You got a great Jamaican.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, that's right. And. And, And. And now you know what to do if you go to Dubai.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Bring yourself.

[Natalie Hollis]

Most definitely bring toilet paper.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Which is a joke, by the way. Just for the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. For the randomness of that.

[Natalie Hollis]

Yeah, sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Why toilet paper, Lamar?

[Lamorne Morris]

Because there's rumors that people go there and they get their chests shitted on.

[Natalie Hollis]

Are there rumors or did it happen?

[Lamorne Morris]

It's happened to some people. I could.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it you?

[Lamorne Morris]

Not. Not me. It's not me. It's not me.

[Jake Johnson]

Why are we talking about that? Because I never heard those rumors.

[Lamorne Morris]

You never heard those. I hang out with a shitty crowd. I hang out with. I hang out with some. With some strange.

[Jake Johnson]

So what did you go to Dubai for?

[Lamorne Morris]

I went for a wedding.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you bring toilet,

[Lamorne Morris]

Jake?

[Santos (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Margaret, thank you.

[Beck Bennett]

Bye, Margaret.

[Natalie Hollis]

Thank you. Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Beck Bennett]

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought I was Beck Bennett.

[Beck Bennett]

No, no, no, no.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's okay.

[Santos (Caller)]

Kyle Mooney.

[Ad Read Voice]

Yes.

[Beck Bennett]

Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good.

[Natalie Hollis]

Thanks buddy. Yeah.

[Beck Bennett]

And we host the show what's our podcast here on Headgum.

[Jake Johnson]

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick ass person online.

[Beck Bennett]

Like you're skateboarding through the Internet or you like you're surfing through the web.

[Jake Johnson]

Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place.

[Beck Bennett]

I like that it's all in one Place. I don't. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like, different stores or something. It's just all.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like, oh, do I need to

[Beck Bennett]

go to, like, a.

[Jake Johnson]

Do I need another type of website to, like, find the right pictures or to, like, another type of website to upload?

[Beck Bennett]

You know, it's all in one place.

[Jake Johnson]

The video or the audio or, like. No, I want. It makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.

[Beck Bennett]

Yes. And you can do all those things. Photos, videos, changing fonts, you know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. They're SEO tools, which. I know what those are. And their custom domains.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, let's come up with a domain right now.

[Ad Read Voice]

Let's see.

[Jake Johnson]

I wonder if it exists.

[Beck Bennett]

Www.friends meeting friends.

[Jake Johnson]

Friends meeting friends.com.

[Beck Bennett]

that's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HEADGUM. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey. How are you?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I'm so good. How are you? Good.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we get your name, please?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Yeah, I'm gonna go by Brittany.

[Jake Johnson]

Brittany. Where are you calling from, Brittany?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Arkansas.

[Lamorne Morris]

Really?

[Jake Johnson]

What's the biggest city near you? Little Rock.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Yeah, probably Little Rock. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's cool that Jake knows one city in your state? For sure.

[Jake Johnson]

I do. And how old are you, Brittany?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I'm 34.

[Jake Johnson]

34. And what keeps you. Busy day today. What's a. What's the day look like? What's a Tuesday look like for Brittany?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Well, I actually had twins about four months ago, and so they keep me pretty busy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Girl.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, my gosh.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I know you would appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Brittany and a girl.

[Lamorne Morris]

A boy and a girl.

[Jake Johnson]

That's sweet.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Brittany, they're amazing. They are amazing. Are these your first?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Older kids? Are you just.

[Brittany (Caller)]

And only.

[Jake Johnson]

First and only.

[Santos (Caller)]

No, we're done.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Brittany, you got a special one today. You got Gareth and I, of course, but then you've got. We're all living in the house this man built. Mr. Lamorne Morris is here. Brittany, you're.

[Brittany (Caller)]

No way. This is the best day ever.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm so excited he's here and guess what? He's doing really bad pictures and he's been really wild.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, but he's here. I'm sorry.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Oh, I can't wait. I'm gonna need some wild ones, I think.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so then, Brittany, take it away. And don't be afraid to gab if we interrupt. Steamroll us.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Do you got it? I can do this. All right, so my problem is, is I serve at this pretty big church that's close to me, and I have a friend. We're gonna call her Ashlyn, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. But my problem is, is that she. She really likes me. And so every time she sees me, she gets really excited. And I like her, too. Like, we're friends, but not super close. Well, my problem is, is that she always has BO and so when she hugs me, I am then left smelling like BO.

[Jake Johnson]

The armpits get on your arms, and now you stink.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

A nightmare.

[Ad Read Voice]

I've had this.

[Jake Johnson]

Me, too.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Yeah, you know, you do the Christian side hug thing. So then your shoulder smells like BO for the rest of the day, but

[Jake Johnson]

then, Brittany, everybody thinks it's you. And then somebody gets near you, and they think you have BO in the weirdest of places outside of your shoulder.

[Lamorne Morris]

Is she one of those folks that doesn't believe in wearing deodorant? Is that what it is?

[Brittany (Caller)]

You know, I don't know, and I don't want to ask her, but maybe that's what I need to do. I don't know. I need to.

[Jake Johnson]

Bernie will get into pitching, but. So what is the specific question we can help you with today?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I guess my question would be, how can I avoid the BL hugs? Or how can I possibly fix the BO hugs?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Lamora, go ahead.

[Lamorne Morris]

First of all, this is how you got to do what I do. When you roll up to somebody, you have to be the initiator if you are allowing her to initiate the. The physical contact. Well, here's the thing.

[Jake Johnson]

It's so fast.

[Santos (Caller)]

It is.

[Jake Johnson]

She just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is immediate.

[Jake Johnson]

It's as if this is written.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's impressive.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, no, you have to.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, you have to walk up.

[Lamorne Morris]

You have to walk up, chest high, hand out. You walk up ready to shake a hand. She's not going to slap your hand away. She's just going to shake your hand, brother. No, you walk up like this. Hey, good to see you. Put the hand out like it's a handshake. And then what you do to show more love is you. You. Then when she shakes your hand, you then take your other hand and put it on top of her hand.

[Jake Johnson]

Brittany, that's interesting.

[Lamorne Morris]

So sweet.

[Jake Johnson]

Not.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's your gentle brace.

[Jake Johnson]

So you're you lead out with the soft Christian hand thing. What do you do with your note cards?

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm just using my fan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Little Rock, Little Rock in church,

[Jake Johnson]

talking about she's getting hot.

[Lamorne Morris]

Do it.

[Jake Johnson]

So what do you think about when you see her? You take a period of time, not just her, with everybody. Britney, you're not a hugger. You're an open hand shake. They go on top. You're a sandwich. Your top hand sandwiches their hand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How's their hand smell? That's the question.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we could get to that later.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Kind of a type thing that you

[Jake Johnson]

do, the hand and it's very affectionate. And it feels to me like that would work in an Arkansas church. If I saw that in that Elizabeth Olsen movie, I'd go, they got it right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you do that, maybe you convert that move to everybody so she sees everybody changed it up. You don't hug anymore.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Okay, I guess I could make that work since I'm. Since I've had the babies, I'm trying not to be around too many germs. I guess I could switch to handshaking, but I've been going to this church for a while now, so it'd be kind of weird if I just switched to shaking hands.

[Jake Johnson]

But I got a question for you, Brittany, and this is just about how confrontation you are. And you're willing to be. Are you willing to say now that you have babies when people come go, I'm sorry about germs. Or you say, my babies are a little bit sick. Stay clear.

[Lamorne Morris]

Now you're lying at church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that first one though. Leads to it being a long time thing. You could just do that for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, it can. But what do you think of. Would you be willing to lie at church?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You better be.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I mean, a little white lie never hurt anybody, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think about us creating a lie? And would you. Are you okay to give up all hugs or does that feel weird? Do we need it specific?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I kind of like hugs.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay, you know what you could do? And this might be a little bit more elaborate, you could take. So when you hug, her armpit is on top of your shoulder. Is that the kind of hug she's. Is she bigger or taller than you or something? Cause you could take the initiative.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I'm actually taller, so I don't know how the BO gets on me, but it somehow does.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is your arm going over her arm?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I think so, yeah. Most of the time.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because I'll say what you could do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I Think. But she's saying it's going over because

[Lamorne Morris]

either you hug her where you're the aggressor, where your arms are, and you keeping her arms at bay, but you're

[Jake Johnson]

creating such a weird moment.

[Lamorne Morris]

Or what you could do is you could take little deodorant cubes, put them on the outside tide pod. Whenever she hugs you, you just rub it in her armpits with deodorant.

[Jake Johnson]

Britney, I got a wild play that I think would work.

[Lamorne Morris]

Push her in the bathroom,

[Santos (Caller)]

knock her

[Lamorne Morris]

in the pool, push her in the holy water.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this? After the next hug with her, you go, oh, my God, girl, I'm so sorry. I think I just made you stink. And she goes, what? And you go like this. I'm afraid. Oh, my God, did I get my boa? And you go, is that me? And then you guys, oh, my God, is that me? And then you go, oh, my God, girl, if I just got my stink on you, you go, I have not been sleeping. These babies are. These babies are killing me. I think I got you stinking. Oh, and then she'll go like this. Oh, don't you worry about. You go, oh, my God, I got you stinking. And you go like this. I am a hot mess. Then she's gonna smell herself and go like this. Oh, my God, I stink. I smell like bo. She thought my BO is her bo. Oh, but you do the hug and oh my God, you're so tired. You got, you got. All of a sudden you got your stink all over her and you are so embarrassed and you go like this. Honest to God, if there's a dry

[Gareth Reynolds]

cleaning bill, please bill me, because that smells fantastic.

[Jake Johnson]

Because that's terrible. Oh, my God. Yeah, I think. Brittany, oh, my God. Oh, my God, look at what I've done to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God, I thought you. I thought you smelled like angel's breath.

[Jake Johnson]

But now after this, because I'm a hot old mess. Oh, my God, I think. But Brittany, for real, you do that once and you say, this is me. I'm sorry. She's going to go, oh, girl, don't, don't even. I've got kids.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, here's the only issue with that, Jake, is that she's going to smell herself and be like, damn, she does.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then spread that rumor like you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

But then you know what you're going to say about Britney. The next time they go near, they're going to go, pretty doesn't stink.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, I don't know.

[Santos (Caller)]

Yeah, that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Rumors, rumors travel fast.

[Jake Johnson]

Brittany, are you. What are you Now I know Ashley stinks.

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't know. Ashlyn. She changed her name. Is that her real name?

[Jake Johnson]

Is that her real name?

[Brittany (Caller)]

No, no, it's her fake name.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Brittany, what do you think of that as a play? Gareth, go ahead. Before you answer. Go ahead. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This might just be the start of something, but what if you gifted her and a couple of other women in church a perfume that you like?

[Jake Johnson]

I like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you start there and you see if that'll catch on. And then the next time you see her, you can ask if she's wearing the perfume, and if she feels guilty about it, maybe she'll wear it the next time. That could also lead you to a path where you do smell her, and you could maybe have a. Oh, you should.

[Lamorne Morris]

Here's the problem. Perfume don't cover up masks.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I was about to say that kind of sounds like a middle school boy covering his bo up.

[Jake Johnson]

I was gonna say it sounds like a taxi driver in New York.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Where you got cologne and you got some hot between those arms, and you just go, like, open the window and go, it's winter. I had a Uber driver. I think I told you this. New York, one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Just recently, while I was there, I had a lift driver. I was sitting like this with my foot, and he goes, ha. He go, ah, open window. And I went, what? He pointed at my foot and did this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Shoe sting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Santos (Caller)]

Yeah. Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mortifying Jake.

[Lamorne Morris]

You wait. You got.

[Listener Feedback Caller]

You.

[Lamorne Morris]

You make too much money to be wearing stink old shoes.

[Jake Johnson]

I smell. I. I went to my friend's house. I smelled my juice. She's like, it's not you. I was like, this dude played. He got me. It hurt me so bad. I literally went like this. He goes like this. Ah, pointed. They went like this. I had never been smaller in my life. I just went like this. That is such a. I put the windows open. I put my legs down. I was just like this. We get there. I go like, thank you.

[Lamorne Morris]

I would have been like, that's not me, bro. That's you.

[Jake Johnson]

Every. Honestly, that's what you think you would say in the moment. You just go. I got smelly feet to the point of this guy's going like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is.

[Jake Johnson]

And he goes.

[Lamorne Morris]

I would have been like, bro, you've been farting in these cushions for way too long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All day.

[Lamorne Morris]

This you.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's what I think Brittany smell

[Lamorne Morris]

like butt cheeks and cheese.

[Jake Johnson]

You keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm listening.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I think we're starting an album or a restaurant.

[Lamorne Morris]

The charbillary board.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Brittany, what do you think? I do think there's a win here. But it only matters what you think of the idea of. When you give each other a hug, you go like this. Oh, my God, is that me? And she'll go, what? You go like, man, it's like, if somebody goes, like, around, they go like this. Ah, did somebody step in dog shit? The first thing you think is, did I?

[Santos (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And everybody then checks their shoes. If there's no dog shit, you go, it's not me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To that, you could also say someone in here stinks.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And, like, make it like you're casting a wide net. And then you smell yourself and be like, I keep thinking it's me.

[Jake Johnson]

I think this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get her to give herself a sniff.

[Jake Johnson]

But all we need. But, Brittany, I do think this is. So let's hear you talk a little bit. What are you thinking? You're hearing a bunch of good stuff.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I mean, the only thing is, I don't know how she doesn't know that she has B.O. you know what I mean? Like, it. I've known this girl for a long time, and so I'm like, how do you not smell it?

[Jake Johnson]

Because maybe no one said anything because everybody's too polite.

[Lamorne Morris]

Can I. Yeah. Because I could tell you what the. What the. Honestly, this is a real answer. What the Christian thing would be to do. How you said you've known her for a long time. I've done this to buddies. I did this to a friend once whose breath chronically bad. I'm not gonna say who. I'm not gonna say. No, no, no. I'm not gonna say. It's not Jake. It wasn't like, coffee breath or anything like that. You know, it's not Kyle. It's a different person.

[Jake Johnson]

That weird Kyle.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, it's not Kyle.

[Jake Johnson]

You're a podcast partner. Weird little mustache.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's not Kyle. It's not Kyle.

[Jake Johnson]

Just say it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm not gonna say who.

[Jake Johnson]

Kyle's breath is weird.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm not gonna say who. It's Damon Wayans Jr. I know that's not true. Damon smells great. Smells like strawberries and then. But you would say you pull that person to the side if that's your real friend.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, this is not her real friend.

[Lamorne Morris]

She said, I've known this person for a long time.

[Jake Johnson]

Known and real friend are different.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Beck Bennett]

You.

[Lamorne Morris]

You clearly don't go to church.

[Jake Johnson]

Brittany, are you close with her?

[Brittany (Caller)]

We used to be close several years ago, but we kind of don't hang out anymore. We only see each other on Sundays or whenever we're at church events.

[Jake Johnson]

Your thoughts, Lamar?

[Lamorne Morris]

My thoughts. But that's fine, because this is your sister in Christ, which is deep. That runs deep. So what you need to do is pull this sister aside and say to her, listen.

[Jake Johnson]

Heaven help me.

[Lamorne Morris]

Listen. Say this. Say this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's in church.

[Lamorne Morris]

Say this in a real way. You say, I love you.

[Jake Johnson]

You got split personality in his head.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, you say, I love you, girl. I love you. But I'm not sure if you know this, but you might want to add a little bit of extra deodorant. I'm not sure if it's. If you're breaking through. I'm telling you this on the side as your friend.

[Beck Bennett]

Hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

Brittany, will you just say that out loud the way you would say it so we can hear that?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Okay. Hey, girl, I don't know if you know this, but I think you smell like bo. Did you put deodorant on today?

[Lamorne Morris]

It's too aggressive.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie hated it.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, that's too aggressive. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't insult her.

[Natalie Hollis]

You can't say she smells.

[Lamorne Morris]

You can't insult her. You can't insult her. You just have to suggest. Don't say hey. Say hey. I'm not sure if you. I might say, you might need a little bit of more deodorant. I'm only telling you that because I notice it.

[Jake Johnson]

So can you try that, Brittany, a little bit? Your version. We're doing it through Britney's words. You're not gonna be there with her.

[Lamorne Morris]

I know, but I want to be.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're gonna abandon her.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm not gonna abandon her. I am her. I am her brother in Christ.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Brittany, one more time, can you try this and just see how it feels?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Okay. Hey, girl, how are you? Yeah, Hey, I was just wondering, could you maybe put on some more deodorant when you leave the house?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Christ, it's terrible.

[Jake Johnson]

You can't do that, Brittany. Well, what about this confrontational demeanor? It hurt my feelings. That's the guy. That's the lift driver. Yeah, Gareth, go ahead. No, Garrett, you go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I.

[Natalie Hollis]

The.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the words that Lamorne pitched. But you can't say it directly. What if you just dropped an anonymous letter in her mailbox that just said this? Mean, mean, but not attached to nobody?

[Jake Johnson]

It would work, but it's like having

[Gareth Reynolds]

a booger in your nose.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but it would. I'm just. You is the guy in the back of the lift.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The stinky feet.

[Jake Johnson]

It hurts, man.

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't.

[Jake Johnson]

It didn't help.

[Lamorne Morris]

No. I think. I think what you guys are missing here, you. You're missing a. You're missing a big part of this

[Jake Johnson]

whole thing, man of God, is that

[Lamorne Morris]

she's in a community. It is an isolated group of people that go here certain a number of days a week. Probably Sundays. Probably got midweek Bible study. They probably. She's known this woman.

[Jake Johnson]

Is this accurate, Britney? You probably got all the stuff he was just saying. So what days do you go? Sunday, probably Bible study, midweek. Is that right?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Right.

[Ad Read Voice]

You.

[Lamorne Morris]

You have a direct connect with this person. And one thing we can't do to our brothers and sisters is leave them out to dry. If I got a booger in my nose, I don't want an anonymous letter walk up to me and say, hey, my man, here's some tissue. Blow that real quick. I don't have a problem with it. I'm only letting you know so you can go be presentable.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a weird thing you're doing right now.

[Lamorne Morris]

Hey, I'm just. I'm just. I'm just being genuine. This is.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, hey, as a brother of a small community of guys who are on a TV show together and stuff.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What you're doing right now is a mistake. It's weird.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, it's real.

[Jake Johnson]

You got the fact you didn't like it.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's real.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not real, Jake. This has never talked like this before.

[Lamorne Morris]

This is me. Brittany, I need you to listen up. Listen good, okay? I need you to listen good, because this is me. You got to walk up. You got to walk up to this sister. Hold her hand, don't hug her, because you're going to smell like the funk. Hold her hand and say, girl, I love you. I love you. But I'm going to tell you this as a sister, I feel like I can. There's an odor coming. I'm. If I had the same thing coming, I want you to tell me. Because I don't want to be caught out here looking bad, smelling bad. I need my sister to tell me.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Brittany, take over. Let's hear that version of it in 3, 2, 1. Let's see what you got.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Hey, Ashlyn. Oh, I. I just wanted to tell you I think maybe you have a little bit of bo. I know I forget mine sometimes. I just was wondering, you know, do you maybe have any in your car or I might have some in my purse.

[Jake Johnson]

You like this Lamorn?

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm not mad at it because you direct.

[Natalie Hollis]

I.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I don't like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I don't love it. But I. What I do, I do agree with Lamorn. If I have. If you have a booger in your nose, I agree. I want someone to tell me rather than I go to the bathroom and go, oh my God, I just had a 45 minute conversation with a booger in my house.

[Jake Johnson]

But Brittany, now can you do in your voice my earlier pitch about the stink and e. Bean from you? Do you remember my pitch?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we just hear that? Three, two, Pigley and.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Hey, how's it going? Oh my gosh. I think I have bo. Oh my gosh. Do you smell that? That smells awful. I am so sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

Shut up.

[Lamorne Morris]

You are rancid. Brittany.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brittany. Pastor. Ignore the pastor, Brittany.

[Jake Johnson]

He doesn't work here. Some cop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's just trying on the ground. I hearing that. I do like that.

[Jake Johnson]

I do too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that could work.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that at least gets it

[Gareth Reynolds]

out in the world.

[Jake Johnson]

And Britney, you're taking the blame.

[Lamorne Morris]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

No. And I can tell you why this doesn't work.

[Jake Johnson]

Why?

[Lamorne Morris]

I could. I could tell you somebody. What if. What if Ashley knows she stinks? What if she insane? Yes. But then now she's looking at you like you fake phony. You know it's me. She.

[Jake Johnson]

There are your Ashland. And you know I'll do your version of okay, but then do your ver. I'm leaving final pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm my final pitch. I do think Jake's pitch of pretending you're discovering you have Bo right next to her when it's happening and just getting it out there smelling yourself and seeing if anything comes from that.

[Jake Johnson]

It's agreed. It might be a two parter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it might be. We might have to revisit this with more pitches. But that's. That's.

[Jake Johnson]

That's where you're landing. Yes. Okay. And then. Brittany, where are you really quickly? Where are you landing on that idea? Because. Because Lamorne's a hard no on that.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I think I would rather me say that I have bo, but I am afraid that the rumor is going to spread like Lamorne said. Like, what if people start thinking that I stink and it's me?

[Lamorne Morris]

The question you asked. There's so. There are too many wrongs that could. Too many things that can go wrong with that thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

With that. There's too many variables. With you just being honest with her, there is one outcome and one outcome only. She knows and. Or. Or she will, that she now knows this about herself and she's going to change it.

[Jake Johnson]

So I got something. And this was an old jiu jitsu story. This is a true story. There's about 12 of us rolling fight in.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, rolling around. What you meant?

[Jake Johnson]

There were ladies there.

[Lamorne Morris]

You roll around with other ladies. Your wife know about this?

[Jake Johnson]

She didn't care.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And the instructor got in front of everybody and says, somebody stinks in here. I've gotten three complaints. I'm not gonna call you out. Clean your ass in your armpits. It's disgusting. That was it. Nobody else was called out. I guarantee. I'll tell you what I had in the next day in my car that I had in my car for a while. A Right Guard spray deodorant, right at the last second. So there could be something that you go to the pastor and you say, I don't want to get specific, but there's somebody in the community who has really bad bo. Can you make it an announcement to the group to everybody? Somebody has really bad bo. We're not going to do a who done it. We're not going to play who's Waldo. But can everybody clean their pits and their bottom's a little bit better? You don't like that, Lamar?

[Lamorne Morris]

Here's why I don't like that. Here's why I don't like that. Because now this one person. No, because now this one person knows exactly who they are, and they now know that everyone has potentially think about it enough to go to the pastor. So now everyone they look at is like, are you the one who said it? Are you the one?

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody said it.

[Lamorne Morris]

If you put the onus on yourself,

[Jake Johnson]

I agree with you.

[Lamorne Morris]

You have enough conviction to even call. We're here to help to get this answer. You have enough. That means you really don't like the smell of these pits.

[Jake Johnson]

It's disgusting. Walk up to her.

[Lamorne Morris]

Put your shoulders back. Walk up to her and say, hey, you're my sister. I want to. I want to fix this for you, help you fix this. I just want you to know you got odor.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so, Brittany, we had a pitch of the everybody gets a thing of perfume. I would amend that. And you give a little care package where you give lipstick, you give deodorant, and you give, like, hair scrunchies to, like, 15 of the girls. And you go, just making a little care package for my girls. Everybody gets the Note in there goes. And it's not specific. You go, like, you never know what you're gonna need in the car. Look at me being too much of a mom. 2. You know, like anything. I'm pitching because we've been together all day.

[Lamorne Morris]

Ashlyn. Ashley. Ashley ain't poor. She know deodorant ex. You think she's gonna see the deodorant in the care package and go, oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

I never.

[Lamorne Morris]

What is this? What ever told me about this?

[Jake Johnson]

What does this do? Oh, what? What? Under my armpits.

[Lamorne Morris]

She's not gonna. This is ridiculous, Jake. Okay, you guys are skipping the one thing that you should just do.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay? Britney would. Are you interested in walking up to this woman and saying, hey, I know you might not know this, but I'm saying this to you as a sister. You have a BO problem, and I think you should work on it. Is that something you. Because then if you are, we can help craft the dialogue. We could play the game actually, really fast. Natalie, can we hear your version of saying that?

[Natalie Hollis]

I have to. I need an idea of who this would be to me, though.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay?

[Natalie Hollis]

I don't.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not friends with anybody?

[Lamorne Morris]

Somebody who you work with here?

[Ad Read Voice]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Because she's the boss.

[Natalie Hollis]

Yes, That's.

[Jake Johnson]

It's somebody who comes in and does podcasts.

[Natalie Hollis]

Another host.

[Jake Johnson]

Like a host's friend.

[Ad Read Voice]

You know what?

[Natalie Hollis]

Here's what I would do. I would say, totally made up name. Hey, Sue.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Sue.

[Natalie Hollis]

I would give her a hug, right? Give her the hug. Hey, Sue. Oh, my gosh. Is there any way that maybe you forgot your deodorant today? I don't. I mean, no offense or anything. I just don't want you to run around all day, you know, without deodorant. So I have some if you need to borrow some.

[Jake Johnson]

That's interesting. Brittany, your thoughts on that?

[Brittany (Caller)]

It's still so harsh, but I do get it.

[Natalie Hollis]

That's like, pretend she forgot. It's never bothered you before.

[Brittany (Caller)]

You just notice, like, what if she's one of those natural deodorant girls that even have that in your purse?

[Natalie Hollis]

That's better than. And that's better than nothing.

[Jake Johnson]

So here. So here wore off. So here's where we're kind of at that. We've given you a bunch of different kind of pitches because if the next step might be how she responds to

[Natalie Hollis]

this,

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie's pitch is, hey, I think you might have forgotten your deodorant. I have some Lamorne's pitches. Sister of Christ. You have BO and you Got to fix this.

[Lamorne Morris]

Same pitch, though.

[Beck Bennett]

I like.

[Lamorne Morris]

I like her idea.

[Jake Johnson]

You do like her idea?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, it's just. It's a softer way to do it. And it's a. And it's the same being direct.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. My pitch, which I still stand by, is the. Oh, girl. Hey, I think I got my stink on you. And what we're hoping is, she deep down goes, no, I got my stink on you. And then if it happens again, the next day when you hug her, you go, did I do it again? Because I'm not putting this on anybody else.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then she goes, I'm allergic to the aluminum and deodorant.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you go, figure it out. They get a baby wipe. Okay, what you got to do? I don't want my arm smelling bad. So where are you leaning, Britney?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I really do think I'm gonna go with your pitch, Jake. I. I like putting it on me. Just be like, hey, oh, my gosh, I got my stink on you. And then.

[Jake Johnson]

So gross.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Kind of like shame myself.

[Jake Johnson]

And then do the whole dance where you're smelling it. You're like, oh, my God. And then where her arm was, you smelled there. You're like, oh, my God.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'mma warn you. I like that. I like that you're gonna go with this. Cause you have to make a decision. But I'm gonna warn you of the downfall.

[Jake Johnson]

Mute him.

[Lamorne Morris]

The downfall. She's going to know that you are not her friend because you're lying to her face when someone corrects me in real time. Jake, you give me honest advice on my career, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, brutal honest. Brutal honesty. And that's why I keep coming to you. I respect you more than I respect people on my team at times. Because I know you. The only stake you have in it is that we're friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

So I'm gonna tell you, looking out

[Jake Johnson]

for you because I love you.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm gonna tell you straight up. Ashlyn will look at you with so much more respect. Cause no one else has said this

[Jake Johnson]

to her, but she. She's gonna be like, here's what you're missing. I really value you. I care about you. I'm not giving that to somebody at the same quote, unquote, church, AKA industry. If they go, can I get some advice? You think I should do it? I'll go. I go. Sure.

[Lamorne Morris]

This is different, Jake. You don't go to church. We brotherhood, sisterhood. It's different.

[Jake Johnson]

Brittany.

[Lamorne Morris]

We got a direct link to the Most High. And the Most High says, huh? You gotta see clearly to take the plank out of your brother's eye. What? You know what I'm saying.

[Santos (Caller)]

No.

[Lamorne Morris]

Something like that. Somewhere in Matthew.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Brittany, don't worry about Lamorne. You worry about you. Right? He's weird. And it doesn't matter what he thinks. It matters what you think. He's just pitching.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm trying to protect your link to the most.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but you remember the whole premise of the bar, the show. You go to a bar, people are talking. Sometimes people get weird and religious. That's what he's doing.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, she just talked about she's at church. This happened to. This is literally inside of a holy place. So Britney, you don't lie in a holy place.

[Jake Johnson]

Can do whatever you want. Britney. So, Britney, let's do this really fast.

[Lamorne Morris]

Now she already lying about her name. Know that's not your real name.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna be. Don't feel bad about this. Don't let him bring you down. You're doing great. I'm gonna be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't even go down that road with this man. I'm gonna be Ashland, you be Britney. And I'm gonna try to do it for real. I would say Lamorne's gonna do it, but he's gonna steamroll you with religious talk. Yes, so. And if he starts talking as the priest, ignore him. Okay. Just you and I. I'm gonna go like this. Hey, girl, come here. I'm gonna pull you in another room and lock the door. So you and I just saw each other. We saw each other probably midweek at Bible study, but now it's Sunday. I go,

[Natalie Hollis]

what you doing? Hey.

[Santos (Caller)]

Hey.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I wanted to be restarting. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Who's that girl?

[Santos (Caller)]

Hey. Hey, girl.

[Jake Johnson]

How you doing? Big O. I don't remember the next section of it. Hey, girl. So we just gave each other a big hug, and now your arm smells. Oh, my God. Are those girls keeping you up or the girl and the boy? I'm so sorry, but are those twins keeping you up? Are they driving you crazy?

[Natalie Hollis]

Me?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Do you smell that? Is that me? Gross.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I think I must have forgotten to put deodorant on.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Lamorne Morris]

Come here.

[Jake Johnson]

Come here. No, girl, you don't smell bad at all. Not one bit.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Oh, okay. Well, I smell BO, though. Like, where's that coming from?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Is it me?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I don't. I don't know. Maybe.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Listener Feedback Caller]

Girl.

[Jake Johnson]

Girl, you know I got my nose blown off in the war. Take that. Pretend I didn't say that. Pretend I Hated it. I said that.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, I got that long co, girl, and I can't smell a thing.

[Jake Johnson]

I can't taste anything. I had peach pie the other day and I said, what is this, cardboard? I can't smell or taste a goddamn thing, girl. Now pretend I didn't say that thing about the nose thing.

[Ad Read Voice]

That was a mistake.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, is it me? Hey, B, Is it me?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I don't know. What do you use?

[Jake Johnson]

I just use some toms or something like that. I'm gonna put my arm up. You don't give it a smell. I put my arm up, pass out.

[Brittany (Caller)]

No, it's fine.

[Jake Johnson]

No, this is not fine. No, but this is where we're combining the pitch. Because what has to happen is I love what you did. But then if it's. You're searching for it now, you can't lie. Now you got to go like this. Oh, my God, girl, is it. It's you. You can't start this.

[Brittany (Caller)]

And I'm gonna be like that mean cab driver.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you're not. If the cab driver said this when it started. If he said, sorry. If my cab smells like socks, it stinks. It's me. And then I go, I don't smell it. And then if he goes, in fact, I just smelled in my own area. It's not here. And then I smell my foot, and it was my foot. I would say, it's me. Then what I would do is I'd throw my shoes and socks out and cut my feet off so it never happened again.

[Santos (Caller)]

But.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Britney, we're close. Let's do it one more time. But if it gets to the crossroads, confront me.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Okay, so I have to smell her armpit.

[Jake Johnson]

If she lifts her arm, the gates of hell open. Walk in. Okay, ready?

[Lamorne Morris]

The gates of hell will be open for you because you're lying in church.

[Jake Johnson]

There you go. Hey, how's it going? Oh, my God. Cute blouse. Where'd you get that? Macy's.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Thank you. Oh, my gosh.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Peach looks so good on you.

[Jake Johnson]

I wish I could wear peach, but it don't work on me. I look like a dumpling. I look like a goddamn peach.

[Lamorne Morris]

I look like smell like one, too.

[Jake Johnson]

What does that mean?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Oh, my.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, babe. Hey, S that just walked by. Who said I smell like a dumpling? And I do know karate. I'm going whip her ass that she's a Christian.

[Lamorne Morris]

Bro. You can't say this type.

[Jake Johnson]

You walk up to me, honey, and say, I smell like a dumpling. You go and get. Get these Hands you got. You going to meet these hands. Shake, shake, shake. You going to meet them. Hey, tell me I smell like a dumpling. I'm going to send you to the Lord. You don't have to go Wednesday and Sunday, honey. You're going to go right now. You going to meet his ass? I'm going to send you to him. You tell me I smell like dumplings again? Your BO smelling in my Lord's house. I'm gonna eat you up.

[Lamorne Morris]

You can't say these things.

[Brittany (Caller)]

All right, I think that's it. That's. I think we found the winner.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, Brittany were close. Okay, so ignore Lamort.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm just trying to save your soul.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, ready? Three, two, one. Oh, hey, girl. Hey.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Hey, how's it going?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you know, good. Tired. How are you?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Oh, oh, wait. Oh, I'm so sorry. I smelled bo. Did I forget to put on deodorant today? Oh, my gosh. I think I got my BO on you.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, wait. What? Honey? What did you say?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Honey, I'm so sorry. I think I got my B.O. on your shoulder. I'm so sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Oh, I. I don't. Honey, you don't smell that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come here.

[Jake Johnson]

Come here, girl. Lift up those arms. Lift up those chicken wings. Let me smell the inside of this turkey.

[Lamorne Morris]

What if her armpits smell fine and then it's coming from her?

[Jake Johnson]

Britney stinks.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, it's.

[Beck Bennett]

No, it's coming.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's not.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, it's downstairs. But when they hug, how does it jump up? It's not an infection. It's not a gnat. It's not a bedbug. It's not gonna jump from the crotch to the yard.

[Lamorne Morris]

Girl, you're a cooter.

[Santos (Caller)]

Stinks.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Santos (Caller)]

Girl.

[Jake Johnson]

So I did a little douche this morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you recently.

[Jake Johnson]

So, back to you. We're so close. We have to win here. This can't end on a. I don't know.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes, you would be close if you were listening to me.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so really fast. Get us out of here. Brittany, we see each other. Hey, girl.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Hey. How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I'm okay. You know me. I'm wearing this shirt that makes me look like a dumpling.

[Brittany (Caller)]

No, you do not look like.

[Jake Johnson]

Say it again. Hold on. I swear to God. Okay, so. No, but how are you, Britney? How are you, girl?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I'm so good. How are you? Oh, my gosh. I think I have bo. I am so sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my

[Lamorne Morris]

God.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

No, girl, you don't. Just the outside of your shoulder

[Gareth Reynolds]

no,

[Jake Johnson]

girl, you don't smell.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Do. Do I smell?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't smell anything on you, honey.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Okay, well, I smell Bo. Do you smell that?

[Jake Johnson]

No. Is it me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God. Smell me.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Honey, you have to smell me.

[Ad Read Voice]

Please.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it me?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Okay. Oh. Oh, I think it is you.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God. You're kidding me. What? Is it really me?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Maybe. I think. Did you. What deodorant do you use?

[Jake Johnson]

I've been using this thing called Tums. This is awful.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's spelled T U M S. They

[Jake Johnson]

leave little chocolate pills, bro.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's Tums. You've been rubbing antacids in your pocket.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God. And then there's this guy. He's been rubbing around. Cole is saying I smell like a dumpling. I swear to God, be. I'm gonna send him straight to our Lord, so. But B, what you just did was nearly perfect.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, it was pretty good, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Because if you do Lamor's way, in my opinion, it's so aggressive and weird to start and just go like this. Hey, can we talk? You got be. This is crazy.

[Lamorne Morris]

You say it like that. Yeah, but in the church, you know, people talk about stuff all the time.

[Santos (Caller)]

I get it.

[Jake Johnson]

We can't go down the church road again. Again.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, you can, because he has to go to church to do it.

[Jake Johnson]

But if you start with the stink, but finish with the Lamor. This is actually a combo pitch. Start with Jake, finish with Lamore.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's usually how it works.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Teamwork.

[Santos (Caller)]

I love it.

[Lamorne Morris]

They called me the finisher.

[Jake Johnson]

Who does what? Who called? Nobody's ever called you.

[Lamorne Morris]

I've heard it been. I've heard it being said about me.

[Jake Johnson]

By who?

[Lamorne Morris]

In the community.

[Jake Johnson]

The church community.

[Beck Bennett]

Church community.

[Lamorne Morris]

Non church community.

[Santos (Caller)]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Brittany, would you ever think of Lamorne and think of the nickname the finisher?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I mean, maybe. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think so, though.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, she has thoughts.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Okay. Britney, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do here? Girl, you're in a pickle.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I'm. I'm gonna. I'm gonna do the combo pitch. I'm gonna smell her armpit and just. Just bite the bullet and do it.

[Jake Johnson]

And when are you going to do this? Because I don't want this to be something that we never get a follow up on this.

[Santos (Caller)]

I.

[Jake Johnson]

We really got to know what happens.

[Brittany (Caller)]

All right, I will do it Sunday.

[Jake Johnson]

You swear to.

[Brittany (Caller)]

As long as the babies allow me to go to church on Sunday, I'll be understand.

[Jake Johnson]

But if it's Wednesday is Wednesday, dear. But do you swear to God, the big guy, you're gonna do it?

[Brittany (Caller)]

No. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Brittany, you gonna do this?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I'm gonna do it. I just don't know if I'm gonna swear to the Lord.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, fair enough.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, you gotta.

[Ad Read Voice]

You gotta do it.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I'll swear, new girl. That's what I'll do.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that's fair. So I think this is gonna work.

[Brittany (Caller)]

I love you, girl.

[Jake Johnson]

That's pretty good.

[Ad Read Voice]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we love you a lot, so.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Oh, my goodness. Best day ever.

[Jake Johnson]

It's Lamor's best day ever.

[Lamorne Morris]

It is. It is. Because I get to talk. I get to talk shop with my sister in Christ, Brittany.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Britney, we're gonna hang up, but if this was a customer service thing that everybody does now at hotels and everything, how would you rate this call out of 10? You could be honest. Don't worry about our feelings.

[Listener Feedback Caller]

For sure.

[Santos (Caller)]

No.

[Brittany (Caller)]

But this is like the best day of my life.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I'll take it.

[Santos (Caller)]

Boom.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, in terms of it being helpful, how would you rate it?

[Brittany (Caller)]

I think. I think this is gonna be good.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, but how would you rate it?

[Brittany (Caller)]

Really could fix it. Okay, nine out of ten.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty good.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's really good.

[Jake Johnson]

And Lamorne's nickname is the Finisher. How would you rate it?

[Lamorne Morris]

Wait till she finished. 50.

[Santos (Caller)]

50.

[Jake Johnson]

So five out of ten.

[Santos (Caller)]

Five out of ten.

[Lamorne Morris]

Five out of 10 is really good.

[Jake Johnson]

If you're a baseball player, you're the best of all time.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm in the hall of fame.

[Jake Johnson]

Britney, we appreciate the call. Please follow up with us.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Okay, I will for sure. Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you very much.

[Lamorne Morris]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello?

[Santos (Caller)]

Hello?

[Jake Johnson]

Hello. Yeah, we can hear you. We hear this as a follow up.

[Santos (Caller)]

Yes, My name is Santos and I am the follow up with the muffin beef.

[Jake Johnson]

With the what?

[Santos (Caller)]

Muffin beef.

[Lamorne Morris]

Muffin beef.

[Jake Johnson]

What's the muffin beef? Santos, you gotta help. So Lamorn Moritz is here. Santos.

[Santos (Caller)]

Oh, I'm sorry. My. My co worker won't eat my wife's baked goods.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's right. Okay, Santos, will you let Lamore know of the setup, of what the problem was, and what we advise, and then tell us what you did?

[Santos (Caller)]

Yes. So I have a co worker, which I think we went with Joe, and he just won't eat any of my wife's baked goods. And I mean, my wife is. I mean, she's amazing. These things that she's popping out is just from donuts, cookies, cupcakes, banana bread, and you just won't eat it, man.

[Jake Johnson]

I Just don't know.

[Santos (Caller)]

Or if he just doesn't with baked goods.

[Lamorne Morris]

Nobody eating his muffins either.

[Santos (Caller)]

We suggested. I think Jake suggested a sting operation. And so to basically have one of my co workers say that she baked those things.

[Jake Johnson]

So to see if it's just personal, but if another person baked him, if he's eating that, then it's personal.

[Santos (Caller)]

Yes. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you do that, Santos?

[Santos (Caller)]

So a little bit of an update. So my wife was gone for a little bit, so she wasn't. She wasn't able to bake anything, but. But just recently, one of my co workers was, you know, getting. Getting out of the company. So we were having a conversation, and Joe came in the conversation, and so he basically, like, revealed a little bit of conflict that now I'm like, I don't know if I want to do this. I don't know if he deserves my wife's baked goods.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Santos (Caller)]

If you guys agree with me. But he basically told me that he made fun of me, me being on a scooter. And I don't know, man. You can't make fun of a man on a scooter.

[Lamorne Morris]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You. You ride a scooter and he makes fun of you? Now is this. Is this a scooter to get around or you just do recreationally, or is it like one of those raspberries?

[Natalie Hollis]

Yeah,

[Santos (Caller)]

yeah, it was. I needed it to get around, and it was just on two occasions. And apparently he, like, went on and on and on for, like, weeks about it.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on, Santos, you gotta walk me through. I'm getting confused. So you got injured and you needed a medical scooter?

[Santos (Caller)]

No, no, no, no, no. Like, a scooter, like the ones that you ride, like the one that you rode, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You just like scooters?

[Santos (Caller)]

No, I had to ride it. I didn't have a car at the moment. I had to get around for work.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Work.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I got what you're saying. So you needed it as your means of transportation?

[Santos (Caller)]

Yes, yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And then what was this fool teasing you? What was he saying, Lucas Santos, on that scooter kind of thing? What's the joke? Like, what, are you teasing me if you're in a scooter?

[Natalie Hollis]

Just.

[Jake Johnson]

They're riding a scooter, Michael. My co workers said, like, he didn't

[Santos (Caller)]

even want to repeat it. So I was like, what. What is this man even saying?

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's personal, man. Yeah, it's personal if this guy's not.

[Listener Feedback Caller]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And teasing you about riding a scooter and it's so bad he wouldn't even say it. How could a comment about somebody riding a scooter be so bad? You can't even repeat it. You can't even repeat it. What could that possibly be, Santos? What's your guess? What's your guess?

[Santos (Caller)]

I don't know. Maybe he saw me like rocking out a little too hard on the scooter.

[Jake Johnson]

Were you rocking out pretty hard on the scooter?

[Santos (Caller)]

I mean, I'm not gonna lie. If a funky tune, you know, pops on on my ear, I'm gonna rock out to it.

[Lamorne Morris]

A little walk the moon. Shut up and dance with me. Let's go.

[Santos (Caller)]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

You think he might be teasing you from kind of dancing on a scooter?

[Santos (Caller)]

I just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't.

[Santos (Caller)]

I don't know. That's why I told him at this point, I said, this guy, he doesn't deserve any baked goods.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, you can't, you can't give him baked goods after that. Unless here's what you could do. This is a bit malicious, you know. It's what I would. If I found somebody was doing that to me, talking shit. I'd have a very special big good for him.

[Jake Johnson]

Talk to me.

[Lamorne Morris]

We at work.

[Natalie Hollis]

Work.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm gonna put some shrooms in that. I'm gonna put some shrooms in that thing. Terrible pitch or something. Diuretic?

[Santos (Caller)]

No.

[Lamorne Morris]

So that man got the runs or both?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm just saying he's tripping his ass off. Can't hold anything.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I'm saying?

[Jake Johnson]

No. So I wouldn't drug him.

[Lamorne Morris]

This is a good time. Give him some molly. Put some molly in there. Have him just rubbing his titties.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Santos, what is the follow up question then?

[Santos (Caller)]

I guess, yeah, that's my follow up question would be, do you think that we should still, you know, I mean, did I be the better person and

[Jake Johnson]

just say, you know, I get the question? So it's basically, does he deserve these cookies and these baked goods or is he out? But the, the truth of the matter is, in my opinion, Santos, is we were investigating it. If this guy's a piece of or not. So that investigation still fud. Because if, if turns out he doesn't eat them, but he eats somebody else's, we're getting dangerously close to you saying, what's your deal with me, man?

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, he was already talking.

[Santos (Caller)]

Gotcha.

[Jake Johnson]

But we're getting to a zone of what's going on. You won't eat my wife's baked goods. You Teased me about her scooter. Then we could set up a third thing. So in that moment, you have three examples and go, what's going on with you? But I think we have to do the baked goods. We have to do the sting operation. Your wife doesn't have to make them. Go. To go get cookies at a store. Put them on a plate.

[Santos (Caller)]

Okay. Okay, sounds good. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All we need is these are baked good. That looked homemade. That look like the ones your wife made that now Sarah from work baked them, or Sarah's husband baked up. So it's the same exact thing as yours. It's not her. It's her partner. Those things are on the table. Does he eat them? If so, is shit's personal.

[Lamorne Morris]

Honestly, you know what I think could be happening here that you might not have considered? Because right now it feels like you're in your feelings because he doesn't want to eat your wife's cooking, which is his prerogative. However, have you asked yourself, is this man diabetic? Can this man even eat sweets if all he's bringing in is sweets and you can't eat it? It'd be different if you were bringing in meats, cheeses, and he just didn't touch the swee. Then you could be like, oh, he just doesn't. He can't eat meat, cheeses. Right. If he didn't touch the meat, the cheese, or the sweets, then you could be like, oh, he don't. With my wife. You know what I'm saying?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Santos (Caller)]

They put candy out for Halloween. And I mean, I've seen him. I've seen him grab a handful. So.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so I will say, Santos, I think it's a very good update, but this feels like we need another one. We still have to do the sting operation. If this update's a question, I'm 100. Yes, we have to do the sting. Lamorn.

[Lamorne Morris]

Santos, can I tell you this? Can I ask you another question? When you. When you. Where do you work? Where do you mind me asking?

[Jake Johnson]

Don't tell us the details.

[Lamorne Morris]

Just say, like, what business? Like what company? Like, what's the type of business I do?

[Santos (Caller)]

Pest control.

[Lamorne Morris]

Pest control. Okay. And he. And so. So this guy, this. So you guys have, like, a place you meet up before?

[Jake Johnson]

So you wait quickly. I'm sorry. You're driving a scooter to the different houses with all your pest control equipment?

[Santos (Caller)]

Oh, no, no, no, sir.

[Jake Johnson]

Because if so, Santos, I would tease you here. If you show up control with all the cages and the sprayer on a Scooter. Okay. No, okay, never mind. What were you saying, Lamar?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I actually.

[Santos (Caller)]

To. To an office.

[Jake Johnson]

To an office.

[Lamorne Morris]

To an office. So what I was going to say is I have a friend, right? And I don't know. I don't know the personal details of. Of. Of what's going on with your life. I have a friend, right? And I. I love her to death. I don't eat her cooking. And let me tell you why.

[Jake Johnson]

Why?

[Lamorne Morris]

Because I've been to her house and I've seen her cook at my house. She be kissing her dog on the mouth. That dog be all on the countertop, that dog. She be feeding that dog with her spoon and stirring the pot with the same spoon that she do with the dog. It's. She doing all that shit. And I'm like, I ain't eating the goddamn thing you made. Do you show up to work?

[Jake Johnson]

This is a good question.

[Lamorne Morris]

Looking wild, this is.

[Jake Johnson]

Now we got to get a little deep for a second on you. You a little sloppy?

[Santos (Caller)]

Oh, no, sir. No. I. I'm one of the. The first ones that comes in with, you know, his shirt tucked in. And I actually had wrote into the. To the thought a little bit earlier about how can I get my boss to get me new work shirts? Because my workshops were so dirty that customers were about, like, they were making comments about it. So I just kept wearing the same dirty, dirty shirt. So I just kept making them dirtier until he finally was like, all right, let's get you some shirts.

[Jake Johnson]

Santa. Santa Santos. Santa Santos.

[Santos (Caller)]

I was Jake Julius. So I just, I just had to make him dirty and dirtier until he told me, you know what? Yes, let's order you some shirts.

[Lamorne Morris]

Santos, he don't trust you.

[Jake Johnson]

So every day you showed up to work with a dirtier and dirtier shirt so that you can get a clean uniform farm. This guy says, you walk in, you go, hey, my girlfriend, my wife cooks some baked goods for my filthy house. Santos, you got the dirtiest shirt in the place, my man. You just said you wanted new uniforms because you're a clean guy, but your way of going about it was you kept wearing the shirt and getting it dirtier and dirtier to prove your point. Your co workers saw that.

[Santos (Caller)]

I mean, I. I guess you could.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody else was eating them, but it doesn't matter. You're wearing a filthy.

[Santos (Caller)]

Everybody else about you for.

[Lamorne Morris]

I just. Listen, they could taste good, but you're filthy, man. Let me tell you what I'm not going to eat. Some dude walk up dirty a shirt With a tray full of no way.

[Jake Johnson]

I swear, Santa, I swear to God, if a coworker who I really like, nice guy, was just filthy, wore a really disgusting shirt, and he goes, my wife cooked my favorite food. I'd go like this. And I was starving. I'd be like this. I'm okay. I said I would have to pass because I go, she let him out of the house like this. I can only imagine what that house looks like. This dude must be living in a pig pen.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, Santos.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, you don't. You don't think this is right, right?

[Santos (Caller)]

I mean, I guess I. I could see it. I could see how, how, how One could. Could say that. It may be.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Cuz maybe that stink.

[Santos (Caller)]

But I don't go, like, disgusting work. You know what I mean?

[Jake Johnson]

No, but you got a dirty shirt. It's so dirty that your boss replaced the uniforms.

[Santos (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a bold move.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm like, how did yours get that dirty? As opposed to everyone else?

[Jake Johnson]

You weren't washing it.

[Beck Bennett]

You want.

[Lamorne Morris]

You got to watch.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, the reason it sure gets dirty and then clean is you put in a washer and dry.

[Natalie Hollis]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, you were doing, like, three uses per wash.

[Jake Johnson]

Were you washing it every day after work?

[Santos (Caller)]

Well, more like stained, you know, they look more stained.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I got you. Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

That blueberry jam all over while your wife cooking. Yeah, I'm not.

[Santos (Caller)]

I'm not, like, walking around, like, rolling and sitting just like, walking into her.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so, Sanders, here's what I really think it is, man. I think we've definitely gotten more information. I appreciate the call. This is a rich story. This became a short story. It turned into a novel with the dirty shirt. Yeah, I didn't see that coming from a million miles away, my friend. But I also. I'm kind of with you too, because you continue to defend yourself in a way that I respected. And that is. Yeah, like, that's not it. They're having fun and being funny, but nah, that's a stain. That's different than being dirty. And guess what? I also think you're kind of right about that. That because stains, if it's like a work stain, if somebody comes in, they're a mechanic, and it's not like they didn't wash it, but there's like, an oil stain on it. I'm not going to be like, I'll never eat your food if it's like, fresh dirt. So I think we have to do the sting operation, man. I just think we're not finished yet. I think We've got to for sure coworker you trust. Same exact setup, same food. But here's what I actually would do. I would have it be your wife's food. And if he ate it, then I would say to him, did you like it? And if he goes, yeah, it's good. And then you go, then you liked my wife's food because I just pranked your ass.

[Lamorne Morris]

Jokes on you.

[Jake Johnson]

You just ate my wife's muffin. Yeah, but I would, I would. As the confrontation, I would say, did you like it? He'll go, yeah, man, it was good. You're so weird, Santos.

[Lamorne Morris]

You go.

[Jake Johnson]

First of all, I'm not weird. Second of all, all, don't ever make fun of a man on a scooter because he's dancing. And third of all, my wife actually made those. I tricked you.

[Lamorne Morris]

My wife's very clean, unlike my shirts.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think? What do you think of that, Santos?

[Santos (Caller)]

Okay, I see. I see your point of view. I see your point of view now.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll go ahead.

[Santos (Caller)]

I already have a co worker that I've been talking to about it, so

[Jake Johnson]

I think we'll go ahead and pull

[Santos (Caller)]

the trigger on it.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if he eats it, what are you gonna do?

[Santos (Caller)]

Well, I. I don't know if. If I'll be around to catch him. I'll have to. One of the. The persons in the office is going to be in cahoots with me. So. Seeing it.

[Jake Johnson]

But you could also ask him. You could say, hey, did you eat those muffins?

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay, how were they? I want to try one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah,

[Lamorne Morris]

man.

[Jake Johnson]

I kind of want you to confront them, Santos.

[Santos (Caller)]

You think so?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I do, man.

[Santos (Caller)]

It kind of just makes me a little nervous.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it should because it's nerve wracking.

[Lamorne Morris]

I just. I just. And only because it, it means so much to you. Only because it means so much to you. If that were me, no, I wouldn't give a shit. I'd be like, oh, joke's on you. We having a good time eating this food, right? We're having a good time.

[Santos (Caller)]

You gotta understand, man, these. These big goods that my wife makes, they're. Honestly, I. I encourage her to sell them. I don't know why. She. She's just amazing at it. I wish I could send you guys a slice because it's. I think it would change your mind. I think you would care a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, I'm with you. I don't want to make your shirt's dirty.

[Santos (Caller)]

I think if Eric. I think if Eric would have been on this call, he would have said, said, who cares about the shirt, brother? As long as they're good. I don't care about the tr.

[Jake Johnson]

You're dead. Right. So here's. Here's the truth, man. I don't actually care about the shirt. I think we now just have to either set a trap and catch this guy. You got to confront him, but we do have to get more information. Okay, got it. So if you are willing to do it with the friend. I know you don't like a confrontation, so let's not do that, because let's not get you in a situation that could get dangerous for you or unpleasant at work. You got a nice vibe. You seem to be a sweet guy. Let's keep that going. So let's talk to the co workers, leave him out. If he eats it, call back in, and we'll figure out what we do in terms of the confrontation. Because maybe what we could do, Santos, is I could call him.

[Santos (Caller)]

Got it. God, I would love that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, maybe what we'll do is if he eats it, I'll call him and I'll talk to him without you, and I'll. We'll get to the bottom of this thing.

[Santos (Caller)]

All right, Sounds good, man.

[Jake Johnson]

You happy with that plan?

[Santos (Caller)]

Yeah, I really like it. I'll go ahead and pull the trigger on that, and then I'll keep you guys updated.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the man.

[Lamorne Morris]

Please do. We're invested. Thank you. Don't send us the cookies.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you so much.

[Santos (Caller)]

I'll cleave my. I'll keep my shirts clean in the meantime.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Keep your shirts clean, please. I'm telling you, this is why you ain't eating them cookies.

[Jake Johnson]

Goodbye, Santos.

[Santos (Caller)]

Thank you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Such a dramatic send off.

[Listener Feedback Caller]

Hi, guys. I just want to really respond to kissing like Muppets. First of all, thank you for looking at the criticism and. And saying it out loud so people feel like they're being heard. I don't have any of those criticisms. I love this pot. I love you guys. It's a podcast, you know, unless you want to pay, there's ads, and I. And I love that you're asking people to follow up more and more meaningfully. I like that. That engages me as a listener. Anyway, the really, really thing I wanted to say is the way you responded to the young man with the kissing episode really just touched my heart. I really just want to say thank you. That is how I would expect or. Or really want an adult, quote, unquote, real man to help one of my sons through that predicament and as a, a, as a mom who's 46 of two boys, I'm a single mom. I don't have that quality partner who can step in and have those conversations. And I think you guys handled that like real champs. And I think part of your role with this pod is kind of being a little bit dad, like, right for. For some of these people that obviously, like, don't want to ask their dad or can't or whatever. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Y' all are doing a great job in, in know in a horrible time. I. I look to you for hope and laughter.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Bye,

[Jake Johnson]

everybody. Check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early and there's also back catalog episodes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. So We're Here to Help is now on Hulu A day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. It's just. Join us. Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Lamorne Morris]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollywood, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller,

[Gareth Reynolds]

theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a headgum podcast. Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and Alexa, AKA the popcorn queen and king. Hey, guys. We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family. As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey. And that journey has really inspired us us to create the AANA Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[Brittany (Caller)]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important.

[Brittany (Caller)]

Healing.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load. If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate at@ar n a krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being such an incredible community. And thank you for always being there to help.

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