304: Dolphin Tank & Miami Baby

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 304: Dolphin Tank & Miami Baby

Headgum | July 6, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle a trio of highly relatable listener dilemmas, blending practical advice with their signature banter and comedic chemistry. The main segments include:

• A PE teacher desperate to escape a recurring dolphin mascot gig ("Dolphin Tank")
• A hilarious, tongue-in-cheek guide for a grown man to break up with his pediatric dentist, complete with "Miami baby" themed advice
• An international teacher offering an update on an earlier call about awkward sex dreams involving students’ parents

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

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1. Opening Banter: Steve Berg Doppelgänger & YouTube BBQ (01:34–08:34)

Main Points

• The episode opens with Gareth and Jake reading an unsolicited listener note about a YouTube BBQ chef whose voice is uncannily similar to their friend and frequent collaborator Steve Berg.
• The hosts riff on the YouTuber’s “Steve-ness” and poke fun at their own friend’s culinary habits.
• The conversation transitions into playful jabs about Steve’s busy schedule, touching on adult responsibilities and "fake busy" syndrome.

Notable Quotes

• “There’s a little physical similarity too. And I know you’d think I was crazy.” — Gareth (04:19)
• “You see Steve as an enormous child, and I do not.” — Jake (07:46)

Memorable Moment

• Jake’s story about little kids declaring it’s “40 o'clock”—a running joke highlighting child logic. (06:34)

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2. “Coach” and the Dolphin Mascot Dilemma (13:49–36:10)

Caller: “Coach” (Anonymous), 30, Georgia

Dilemma:
Coach is the only male PE teacher at his elementary school and is regularly forced to don a suffocating dolphin mascot suit for school ceremonies. He seeks a creative escape.

Advice Highlights

• Jake’s Competition Pitch (18:13):
  Proposes turning the mascot gig into a prize for top students—“Only the best physical specimen can wear the dolphin.”

  “You create a competition for the best students, and the winner… gets to wear the dolphin outfit.” (18:20 — Jake)

• Gareth’s Parental Volunteer Angle (20:47):
  If students can’t do it, rotate the responsibility among willing parents via a “Dolphin Olympics.” Recognizes some parents bail last minute, leaving “Coach” stuck.

• Fake Pass-Out Scheme (23:42): Suggests staging a dramatic fainting episode due to heat, underscoring health risks and forcing administrators to re-evaluate the assignment.

  “You do a fake pass out. But you stay down, brother—full pass out…When you come to, you just say, ‘What happened?’” (23:59–24:22 — Gareth & Jake)

• Sabotage the Suit (27:34):
  Natalie, the producer, chimes in with the suggestion to “trip and rip” the suit, making it unusable.

  “How’s the budget? Like, they can’t replace it?” (27:34 — Natalie)

• Theft/Replacement Plot (28:13):
  Jake suggests making the suit “disappear” overnight, forcing a replacement and perhaps shifting suit size to exclude himself.

  “Break in, steal the dolphin suit, hide it. Then when they go ‘Does anyone know where it is?’ You go, ‘I haven’t seen it.’” (28:13 — Jake)

• Buy a Kid-Size Costume (32:01): The guys find a kid’s dolphin suit online. Suggest Coach propose a “Dolphin of the Month” program rewarding top partipicants, with the new suit designed for them.

  “For $40 online… Halloween costumes.com, kids’ dolphin costume. Face is exposed. Do that. You bring that in…give this as a reward to my best student…” (32:01–32:56 — Jake)

• PowerPoint Plan (34:15): Coach is advised to craft a pre-semester PowerPoint to pitch the motivational new system to faculty.

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Outcome

Coach embraces the “Dolphin of the Month” plan and vows to present it with a snazzy PowerPoint. Jake and Gareth extend an open offer to review his materials on a future episode.

Tone & Banter

• Friendly teasing about the indignities of adult mascot duty
• Light-hearted escalation from practical (competitions) to absurd (suit sabotage and “body dump” jokes)
• Supportive, collaborative workshop with tangible solutions

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3. “Miami Baby”: The Pediatric Dentist Breakup (39:53–58:56)

Caller: Ally, 39, Houston, TX

Dilemma:
Ally’s 37-year-old husband has faithfully visited his pediatric dentist for 35 years. Now, with a baby of their own, he’s ready for an “adult” dentist but feels guilty breaking it off.

Advice Highlights

• The Great Lie Approach:
  The hosts brainstorm increasingly elaborate and playful fake scenarios to facilitate the breakup without hurt feelings.

• Moving Out of State (44:31):
  “We’re moving to New York City—taking these chompers to the Big Apple.” (41:41–44:31)

• Insurance Switch Excuse (51:01):
  Consider a “my new insurance is adults-only” angle—quickly nixed as the dentist could offer a workaround.

• The Rite of Passage (“Bar Mitzvah”) (51:44):
  Jake suggests a ceremonial “I’m finally a man” scenario, complete with party hat, acknowledging the milestone.

• Veneers for All! (52:24):
  Propose a full smile makeover (“celebrity smile culture”), making a fake photo montage of the husband with absurdly large, white teeth (and maybe a spray tan), plus kitschy family holiday cards featuring the new look.

  “Why don’t we have him go drop off a little something at the office? At the same time, we shoot a text with this. It’s veneer time, it’s over.” (54:37 — Gareth)

Memorable Quotes

• “Still sees a dentist with stickers and a treasure chest…chooses between grape or bubble gum fluoride.” (41:19-41:35 — Gareth)
• “She’s taken all these, she started spray-tanning like crazy, she wants me to get veneers. And then you go to Sears, you have the wild tan on, he’s got the big goofy smile, and that can be the Christmas card.” (56:54 — Gareth)

Outcome

Ally loves the “veneer prank” and agrees to stage a goodbye with a care basket (“tanks for the memories” in a tank top), plus a delayed sendoff photo of Miami Baby grins for extra comedic closure.

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4. “Betty” from Prague: Sex Dream Update (59:15–70:24)

Caller: Betty, Prague (Czech Republic) – Follow-up to Ep. 260

Previous Dilemma:
Betty was struggling with embarrassing, recurring sex dreams about the parents of her students, making subsequent interactions awkward.

Advice Recap

• Previously, Jake suggested “masturbatory exposure therapy”—making the dream repulsive by mentally picturing the person in gross situations (drooling, dirty fingernails, etc.)

Betty’s Update

• She hasn’t had another embarrassing dream since the first call.
• She wasn’t able to stomach Jake’s specific advice:

  “I tried, but I wasn’t successful… I couldn’t do it.” (62:46 — Betty)

• The repulsion tactic still worked by association—she couldn’t continue the fantasy after picturing the parents eating salmon and spaghetti in an unappetizing way.

Notable Banter

• The hosts contrast the “female fantasy” (a romantic dinner, candles) vs. the “male fantasy” (skip dinner, straight to business), poking fun at the differences.
• Callbacks to Steve Berg, as the only person who might incorporate food into a fantasy.
• Encouragement for Betty to use the repulsion system preemptively with any new parent to avoid future awkwardness.

Quote

• “You see that? She tried the disgusting session, but she couldn’t finish. But there have been no more dreams—so the method worked!” (62:47–63:08 — Jake & Gareth)

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On Steve Berg’s Doppelgänger:
  “That is Steve. If you could set Steve to, like, half-list setting.” (03:22–03:27 — Gareth)

• Mascot Duty:
  “Every time you get woken up from a pass-out, you don’t know you passed out. So you got to stick to character.” (24:15–24:22 — Gareth)

• Miami Baby Photo Plan:
  “She wants me to be one size too big for my face.” (53:02 — Jake)

• Sex Dream Exposure Therapy:
  “But I wasn’t able to masturbate while thinking about these things. It’s impossible.” (62:14 — Betty)

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Timestamps: Key Segments

• 01:34 – Opening banter: BBQ YouTuber sounds like Steve Berg
• 13:49 – “Coach” and the dolphin mascot dilemma
• 18:13 – Advice brainstorm: competitions, sabotage, suit theft
• 32:01 – Dolphin of the Month plan, PowerPoint idea
• 39:53 – “Ally” asks about breaking up with a pediatric dentist
• 44:31 – The “moving to New York” gambit
• 51:44 – Rite-of-passage / veneer scheme
• 59:15 – “Betty” gives update on sex dream problem
• 61:07 – Disgusting exposure therapy explained
• 66:02 – Hilarious gender differences in fantasy

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

Jake and Gareth approach each dilemma with riotous, irreverent humor but workshopped multiple plausible (if sometimes impractical) solutions—often “yes, and-ing” each other into increasingly absurd territory before circling back to a usable answer. Their recurring motif: find the fun in an awkward situation, even if it means faking a pass-out, crafting weird family photos, or engineering your own “graduation” from childhood rituals.

For listeners, the episode offers cathartic laughs, cheerleading for creative problem-solving, and a reminder: whatever your mess, you can make it fun (and sometimes immortalize it in a PowerPoint or Christmas card).

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Useful for: Anyone who’s ever been stuck in an undignified assignment at work, needs to wriggle out of a decades-old relationship (even with a dentist), or has ever suffered intrusive, awkward thoughts about professional boundaries.

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Contact the show: [e-mail]
Watch video episodes: Patreon / Hulu

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Transcript

[Caller or Guest]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Caller or Guest]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

We are back.

[Jake Johnson]

We got a fun one right now. So hold on. This comes from somebody emailed the show who I appreciate a guy named Peter, last name H e U E r. He said this is unsolicited and not a request for help but I was watching a video of a guy cooking ribs on YouTube and he sounds just like Steve Berg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[Jake Johnson]

You'd enjoy it. Watch the 5 minute mark and then he does a little like music emoji. So just go to five minute. It maybe go like 502 and let's watch this together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, here we go. Too much.

[Jake Johnson]

That's just going to give us a nice little sugary glaze on the outside. And you could wrap these up at this point but I'm going to keep them open the whole time. Kind of go for that dry rub rib situation. Little candy rib. Sounds good to me. And this should just melt right on and give us some beautiful color and some wonderful flavor. Of course. Looking good. Back on the lid goes and we'll check back in in probably about an hour. About five, five and a half hours later. And these things are looking done. Probing nice and tender. Feeling nice and tender. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is shocking.

[Jake Johnson]

Shocking. So now we've got a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is crazy. I like want a DNA tape.

[Jake Johnson]

This should just melt right on and give us some beautiful color and some wonderful flavor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course.

[Jake Johnson]

Looking good back on the Lid goes. And we'll check back in and probably about. And you could wrap these up at this point, but I'm gonna keep them open the whole time. Kind of go for that dry rub rib situation. Little candy ribbon sounds good to me. And this should just melt. Right? Some beautiful color.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is Steve. If. If you could set Steve to like half list setting.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, that's Steve. It's another dude who's just into barbecuing, filming, singing about food putting just sugar on red.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love the idea that. That. I mean, we would love to have this guy beat Steve, obviously. But I do love the ide. The brilliance of making good food is like I just put a bunch of sugar on ribs and it's pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

We gotta give this guy a shout out really fast, will you. Do you have his name?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy is chud's barbecue.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody's huge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

474,000. Yeah. He's big on YouTube.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody check out Chud's Barbecue. But there is something about that tone that was crazy how Steve it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love that this person was watching that. Pete was watching and heard me too. Watching a whole rib video. Yeah. This guy's. There's a little physical similarity too. And I know you'd think I was crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

There's something there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's. There's something there.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Discuss really fast what were. Well, you guys have a show coming up very soon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we have it on. I'll tell you if you want to see. Great shade of Steve Berg. I think it's at 10 days. A great shade of Steve Berg is production. Steve Berg. I've told you this before. It. Sometimes I think Steve amps up the busy a little bit. I don't want to get too deep into it. But you'll be like. You know exactly what I mean. You'll be like. You'll be like, oh, can you. Can I. Can. Can we not do. Can we. Instead of 1:30, can we do two?

[Jake Johnson]

I guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty. Pretty bad for me after two, honestly. How's Thursday? And I'm. I know there's a lot of tennis and a lot of cooking going into this schedule. Years. And there's. Seems like things are shiftable. June 27th. Go to Gareth Thrones dot com.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean he's. You think he. He's fake busy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. You know, I'm not fake busy. I think he believes. You know when a. When a child packs a suitcase.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're like, I packed Garrett.

[Jake Johnson]

Have you ever seen that little kid? I think it's on Instagram or YouTube, whatever. But he's a. The kid of a farmer and he's talking to his mom about his busy day. No, it might be the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. He's going like, yeah, I've just got a water everything. And then I gotta go. And then the mom goes, oh, yeah, what else? And he goes like, well, I gotta go move those rocks over there. And then he does something. But the. One of the funniest things about having young kids is. And I'm gonna butcher it. But when my kids would be very serious about something but their information was incorrect, right? Where they would go like, well, we've gotta go. And I'd go, how come? They go, because it's getting late. And I go, what time is it? And they would go, 40 o'. Clock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're like, right?

[Jake Johnson]

And you'd be like this. Well, if it's 40 o', clock, we really do have to get going. That's the craziest. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. And they go, yeah, we're late. I'd go, oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're in another galaxy of an adult cadence but no real world information.

[Jake Johnson]

It becomes true comedic wheelhouse. But. So you guys. You guys have a show coming up and then. We haven't locked in a time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're waiting to. I think the three of us. He. Berg has again, tight window.

[Jake Johnson]

What does he have?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He has a tight window in July. I don't know what to tell you. See, now you're coming. Now you're coming around. No, I'm not. I love how he's got to go over there and move them rocks on like July 11th and he's got to water a bunch of stuff on the 13th. He. He's nervous that if we shoot it'll go past 40 o'. Clock. So he's worried. No, we've got to do like that first, that second week of July. So I don't know if you can. But we were talking about.

[Jake Johnson]

He's jammed in July.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's jammed up.

[Jake Johnson]

I. What? I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The rocks. The rocks aren't going to move themselves.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake is. You see Steve as an enormous child and I do not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't see him as an enormous child. But when we were talking about that. Because we're going to have someone come and film the stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

You also said about the cooking care, I think. Do you think his food is just going to be a mess with like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I don't think it's going to be a mess. I don't think it's going to be a mess. But it's like I there some people could cook something good. There's no doubt. But you're going, this is spaghetti. That's what I think. It's like a version of spaghetti. And I really feel like Steve's culinary world revolves around planet Spaghetti.

[Jake Johnson]

And here, wait. I gotta say, I think my favorite Gareth is hater Gareth. I do. I think hater Gareth is because once you get the bullseye on somebody and I've had it on me, there's no way out. It's everything you say. It's so matter of fact. And you just to say a chef, all they cook is spaghetti is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's salty. Salty. It's absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

You're basically saying a guy who cooks every meat, loves it, talks about food nonstop. All he does is take water, boil it, but noodles in and pour sauce on top.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, that's cooked perfect. What? Al dente. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's that on Patreon, he has no idea I was doing Q&As with him one on one where I was pretending it was fan submitted questions and I was just making them up on the fly. I would just be like, are you Nordic? What is your.

[Caller or Guest]

Ooh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that. My genealogy is fascinating. And I would just be like, Lucy from Tulsa wants to know what size shoe are you? Well, Lucy, that I've actually shifted into a half size, which makes shopping for shoes more difficult than it used to be. I don't know, it's strange, but I am at. I'm an eleven and a half and you know, just for an hour, I would make a question.

[Jake Johnson]

You're on fire right now. That is very funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyway, that's just to say that Steve Bird is a great producer, everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Enjoy the show. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you save money. We've talked about Rocket Money a lot on this show. It helps you save stuff. Steve Berg was apparently paying for some Bigfoot website he was on for 14 years. He's supporting some weird guy in Oregon. And Rocket Money helped and that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so I went and hung out with Steve Berg, friend of show, and I was trying to show him something on my phone. I wanted to do a screen share on his tv. We'd had a couple cocktails. It wasn't going well, but I looked around and I go, oh, there's an apple where I can do this and I downloaded the app. I paid for the first one and I was like, it didn't work. But I was like, I knew. Then I was like, I'm glad I have Rocket Money because I am going to be reminded of this. And sure enough, within a few days, Rocket Money reminded me and I ended up not having to pay anything. That's just one story in many. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Help that's RocketMoney.com Help RocketMoney.com Help and we are brought to you by Dell. Back to school starts now. Get long lasting battery life on the Dell XPS laptop powered by Series 3 Intel Core. So you can work from anywhere now starting at $699 with exclusive student pricing starting at $599. And it's lightweight, portable and packed with enough processing power to make multitasking a breeze.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

and we are brought to you by booking.com oh sweetbooking.com yeah, well I mentioned before just how often I'm using booking.com these days. They make it simple. You get a real sense of where you're going, what it's going to be like. It makes travel a lot easier because you can see on your phone, on your computer where are you going. And it depends who you're going with. Are you going with buddies? You go with family? Are you going with the elderly? Are there? You're going to make it yours. I've had a couple of trips in the last year with a couple of friends of mine where we've just kind of tried to find somewhere in the middle of nowhere. One of them was in Colorado, middle of Colorado, up in the mountains. And I'm not going to lie, it was like a kind of like a dome. Steve Berg was there and, and we stayed in a dome. All that through booking.com you just find these places if whatever you're, whatever you're looking for, whatever you're booking for you can find it there. I'm going to go see a Packer game this fall with a couple of buddies of mine. Bears fans, and we're going to find a place and we're going to share it together, and then we're going to put tape down the middle of the place like a sitcom. This is what booking.com offers you, so I cannot recommend using them enough. Go on. Book that trip. It's easy. Booking.com booking.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Caller or Guest]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. How are you doing?

[Caller or Guest]

Great. How are you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're excited to have you. What's your name, please?

[Caller or Guest]

My name is Coach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, what's your name, please?

[Caller or Guest]

It's Coach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's your whole name, please?

[Caller or Guest]

I'm Coach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What one? On your birth certificate, what's the first word when it says name, please?

[Caller or Guest]

I would prefer to be anonymous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And you, are you okay, Anonymous. Coach, are you a coach of any kind?

[Caller or Guest]

I'm a PE Teacher.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller or Guest]

For elementary school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Coach, we're going to let it slide. So, Coach, how old are you, please?

[Caller or Guest]

I'm 30 years old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

30 years old, Coach. Do other people call you coach, Coach?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

You know, all the kids call me coach.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller or Guest]

Called Coach and the parents and teachers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So everyone calls Coach. And where are you calling from, Coach, if you're allowed to say roughly, you can lie to.

[Caller or Guest]

I'm from Georgia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

From Georgia. Okay. Very vague there. Jake, I want you to meet coach. He's 30. He's from Georgia. We got a coach.

[Jake Johnson]

Coach. What's going on, bud? What do we got?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, so I really need Yalls help desperately. I'm a PE teacher at elementary school, and I'm the only male teacher, so they throw a lot of stuff at me, and I'm cool with just about everything. But the big thing that they throw at me is they make me throw on a dolphin mascot and I have to dress up as it. And it's hot, it's stuffy. I have to stand in it for like an hour and a half, two hours at a time. It makes me feel like a big loser having to do that at 30 years old. I can't see out of it. And somebody has to walk me and escort me. I just have to stand in the corner. It's brutal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is brutal.

[Jake Johnson]

And so we got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got a picture here. We got a picture. You coach here. First of all, Coach, I used to do kids birthday parties, so I'm very familiar with the experience you're having. I'm going to just tell you right off the bat, why aren't we tucking the shirt into the dolphin mitten? We don't want to see skin. That's. That's. That's whole poking material for the kids. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, coach Gareth is a little hot right now. I'm gonna grab the reins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

So this makes a lot of sense. So you are the PE Teacher. You've got to wear this dolphin outfit. It's hot, uncomfortable. I'm assuming the eyes are at the base of where the eyes are, or there's no eye holes.

[Caller or Guest]

You can see how the snout a little bit. But, you know, there's. Sometimes they just. They just leave me and I have to wander back through the hallway because they're not. They're not allowed to. I'm like Batman. They're not allowed to know that's me underneath there. So I. I just end up wandering down the hallways and had to look through the snout holes and.

[Jake Johnson]

So how often do you have to dress like this dolphin? What is the process? Does this only come out at pep rallies? Walk us through what's happening in reality so we can all get a sense.

[Caller or Guest]

It's about minimal or minimally once a month, usually more than that. And they always do it on, you know, they. They catch me by surprise when it. When it comes up. And they always catch me on bad days where like, maybe, you know, I overindulged the night before, and I'm feeling super hot and sweaty in there. It's always by surprise, too.

[Jake Johnson]

And then. So you got to put this thing on. And when it's on about how long is it? And what are you asked to do in this outfit? Is this like the politician thing? You shaking hands, giving hugs, or do you have to do, like, a dance?

[Caller or Guest]

No, Dan, I stand and I take pictures with kids. It's for like a little. A little ceremony for like, student of the month.

[Jake Johnson]

Understood. And then. Is this the only. Is the question. What is the specific question? Because now I'm getting a sense. So the being the only male is just set up. The PE Teacher. Really nothing about PE Is this just about the dolphin suit?

[Caller or Guest]

It's just about the dolphin suit. I tried. I tried a couple ways to get out of it, and I was just wondering if y' all had any ideas for me. I tried asking nicely.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. No, it's not going to be that. I do have an idea for you.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Now I have a. A great idea for you.

[Caller or Guest]

Bring it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's party.

[Jake Johnson]

One of the oldest tricks in the business, and it's something that I've used quite a bit. You create a competition for the best students, and the winner of the competition gets to where the dolphin outfit you are looking for the Apprentice, the passing down the greatest crown of all. So that a student, a vip, the leader of the PI. The pe you have like a competition. He or she who could climb the rope the fastest, who can do the sprints the fastest, who can make the most three pointers, the most athletic, because you need only the best physical specimen of them all can wear the dolphin.

[Caller or Guest]

Let me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love. Jump in and say, coach, that what Jake's done here is very good because he's taken a negative. A weight and he's turned it into a positive.

[Jake Johnson]

A prize that you fight for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And every month it's a prize.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This the only.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like employee of the month. The only reason you do that, you're trying to get your employees to work harder. You know, working really hard. A photo by the lockers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you saying that we rotate who does it every month? Yes, I. Now that's where I will divert. I. I remember when I was in high school, I remember the person who was in the Wildcat costume. I did think that's pretty cool. So I think you could find the one and you could do this yearly. But it plays to coaching strengths. You're going to set up some sort of, you know, tournament. But I think you. I don't think you want to be bothered with a one a month handing of the baton. If you do, great. But I also think the opportunity is. You're just going, this is. This is the replacement.

[Caller or Guest]

No, I love that idea. I really do. The issue is with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller or Guest]

With it being so big. I. I floated around ideas of giving it to a student and the. The higher ups have not taken it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a pitch on that.

[Caller or Guest]

So I, I do. I do love that idea. But I was one of y' all had something else in case they don't. They don't let me put a kid in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, why don't you do it for a parent? I mean, I think there would be a parent that. That's something that a kid would like if a parent won something like that. So you can open it up to. It's a parent competition. The Dolphin Olympics.

[Caller or Guest]

The Dolphin Olympics. I do love this.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's the catch. With it, you need somebody who can come during the day, and a lot of these parents are working.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then maybe we do say that we're gonna look for two and we're gonna kind of schedule it out a little.

[Jake Johnson]

What is your coach? What is your age group?

[Caller or Guest]

That at this school, it's kindergarten to fifth grade.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. That's what I was afraid of kids. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I was hoping you were gonna say there's some high school connected because you can't put a, you can't put a fifth grader in this. That's too young. And parents of that. And when you're doing that, you're talking about last minute on like a Friday. They're like, hey, throw this on.

[Caller or Guest]

And this is what's been. The issue is there is a parent that's like signed up to do it, but they, they don't show. And then I start trying to like hide in bathrooms and stuff like that to get out of it. But they, they always track. Track me down. I understand.

[Jake Johnson]

Because you're the only male and it's just what you do now, that's a. This is a lot harder because I don't believe it's going to be a parent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now we have a parent that wears

[Caller or Guest]

it at our school, at our elementary school that does all of the appearances as a fox.

[Jake Johnson]

Really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Elementary.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, it's like a parent volunteer thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Do they have a job?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can they go to Georgia?

[Jake Johnson]

Or are they one of these LA people that just.

[Caller or Guest]

You know what it's like, Jake? It's all LA parents.

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, at the LA schools, what's really insane is they'll be like parent teacher conferences. They're like 10am on a Tuesday. And I'm like, oh, we're gonna do a big thing for the kids. They're gonna show off all their artwork. I go, I can't wait. What time? And they're like, Wednesday at 9am I'm like, I'm literally working. So. And then you, you take off, you plan it, you get there and you go like, everybody's here. Nobody has a job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, yeah, this is, this is Georgia. But this is. We, we. I think we can find the person or the people, but maybe what we need to do first and foremost is make the issue of having to fill your costume feel real and necessary. Because if you can't do it anymore, then maybe that'll make it feel like when you pitch this idea, they really do need to find someone. So I would say maybe you don it one more time and 50 minutes into it in the sun, you do a fake pass out.

[Caller or Guest]

I was, I'd consider that the day after Cinco de Mayo. I really, I, I thought hard about, should I fake pass out in front of all the kids? And I figured I'd get to go home for the day and be done.

[Jake Johnson]

A fake pass out would be massive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you do a fake pass Out. And then you say, hey, but you stay down, brother. Oh, yeah. Full pass out. You know what it's like, passing out

[Jake Johnson]

is 10 minutes they have to come over and take the dolphin head off, and you're underneath going like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the pat. The truth is, every time you get woken up from a pass out, you don't know you passed out. So you've got to stick to character. What happened?

[Caller or Guest]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What, did I pass out?

[Jake Johnson]

And then go like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did.

[Jake Johnson]

So stay as the character. When he comes off, be like, hi.

[Caller or Guest]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And they'll be like, I did coach.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you're sipping water, you're in the locker room, you're going, honestly, the past couple times, I felt lightheaded, but I guess today it just got on top of me.

[Jake Johnson]

And then go, I'm so embarrassed by this. I'm so embarrassed by this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then I want to tell you,

[Jake Johnson]

every time I've almost passed, I'm so embarrassed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You say. And then you say, you know, I have been thinking, it could be a good idea. It could be fun.

[Jake Johnson]

No, Gareth, too obvious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. Eventually, you got to go with this. I think two days later, you say, I figured it out. We can make it fun for the kids, we can make it fun for the school. We're going to apprentice style, figure out who can fill the suit, and we can do it with faculty, we can do it with parents, but let's get three names on the list. They can have a group text message, and whenever we're talking about Dolphin Time, who can fill in. And in a real pinch, I can maybe do it. But I don't want her.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say. Gareth. Yeah? As car salesman. What are you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did a bump in the bathroom.

[Jake Johnson]

At the end. I could do it. Well, they'll go, great. Well, we haven't found somebody for four months. Also, you fainted and then instantly had a very clean pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We also listened to this podcast called We're Here to Help.

[Caller or Guest]

They would find it out. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So what do you think, coach? Because I. I guess what Gareth is saying is, I love the pass out. But then Gareth is also saying, then a couple days later, have a pitch where you're looking for your running point on finding the new apprentice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like your pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

You'll just do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a testament to your pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

But we lost that because mine was. I wanted it to be one of the kids. It can't be a fifth grader.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it could. No, can't be. I think we're opening it up to Parents. That's my.

[Jake Johnson]

That's my tweak on jobs. And then when they can't show up at the. Okay,

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna go eat a sandwich in the break room. I'm sorry.

[Caller or Guest]

I'm sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

Is your goal to get him in a Corsica or. No, you want him in a Tahoe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm so sorry, Coach. I apologize. I'll be in the. I'm gonna hit the shower.

[Caller or Guest]

You're all good, my friend. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

So when you're hearing this, coach, what are you thinking? Where are you at? Let's get you talking.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, I. I just feel, you know, I.

You know, I don't think fifth grade's

too young to throw in there. But I get Yalls point, and it hasn't been approved. And I have been pushing for it. The fake pass out. I do worry about, like, you know, trauma to the kids of, like, having to see. See their. Their PE Teacher.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you do it in, like, the conference room before you're around the kids?

[Caller or Guest]

I. I'm pretty stuck. They just put me in the corner and then I'm. I'm there. So it had to be it. It's. It'll be in front of, like, probably like 150 people.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie, what do you got?

[Caller or Guest]

What if you trip and manage to rip it really bad? How's the budget?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, they can't replace it.

[Jake Johnson]

That's interesting, huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that a lot because those are expensive.

[Caller or Guest]

They're like a few hundred dollars, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Ruin the.

[Caller or Guest]

They are. They are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So just it up and then hopefully they can't replace it for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Punk rock. Yeah.

[Caller or Guest]

No, I like that. I can try to mess it up.

[Jake Johnson]

As Steve Berg would say, what about eat some marinara sauce near it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You get a meatball in and out of the suit.

[Jake Johnson]

Why in Steve?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because he was snacking.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I might pitch. Going off of the Natalie thing, and this is a little weird, but I actually think it might work. In the middle of the night. You got keys? Break in, steal the dolphin suit, hide it. Then when they go, does anyone know where it is? You go, I haven't seen it. They go, well, we're trying to do it on Friday. It's unavailable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If that's a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

If it came dolphin suit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If it came up, like, during, like a week where there was going to be some sort of sporting event that was important, you could almost frame it. Like it's a little shenanigany that maybe another school stole it or something. But I do like that idea. Just Take it. Fake a break in.

[Caller or Guest]

That's a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, it's. It's very clean. It's. Make the dolphin disappear.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, that's a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

If they start doing another one, you go. If anybody goes, hey, we're thinking to get another one. Go get it smaller, guys, because I don't want to keep wearing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I was gonna. I had my pitch, and I don't listen. If the car is running, I don't want to talk. I was gonna pitch a redesign where he says, I've been getting lightheaded. And you just show a real weird. Like, you get just things that leave the face exposed. And you think it can, but you show them that you're no longer qualified to be involved in this project with your father. But I think starting with the theft is good.

[Jake Johnson]

I have an. I have an idea coach. And it's risky, but I think first for sure, we steal the thing. Then, you know, we could do. We could do it like a horror movie. You could cut it into weird pieces and, like, leave it near the river near the school. Cover it in, like, dog. Where it's like, let somebody. Let somebody law and order find it and be like, what the hell? Somebody. Like, oh, somebody must have slept in this. It smells like urine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The hell happened?

[Jake Johnson]

So it gets a little bit weird. And then you go as the guy who wore it a lot, it's such, like, a dark ending. Then you buy online a new dolphin thing, but you made a mistake because you're such a goober and you bought it too small.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is very good.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you bring back. You go, I got one. And then you just don't fit into it. So one of the women have to

[Gareth Reynolds]

fit in for the kids. That's when you go back to your eighth.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You go, oh, my God. This is pretty small. So either we need, like, Lisa the math teacher, and she's like, five one. She's like. Or let one of the kids do it.

[Caller or Guest]

I think that's bulletproof.

[Jake Johnson]

That's. And you might not have to do the Leave the body behind. That might be weird. But if you want to do it, I'd like to see photos, but I don't know if it needs to happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah. I would be prime suspect as. So I have made it clear my. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, walk us through. So what out of those few elements, what. How are you going to thread the needle on this? I think the ending's perfect.

[Caller or Guest]

I think buying a new costume is perfect. The content of passing. Fake passing out and the story of it is amazing. I don't know if I'm. If I'm good enough to pull it off. So it makes me nervous. But that's definitely, I feel like the most grand, grand way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, hold on a second here, Coach.

[Jake Johnson]

So wait, do you see that, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, hold it. Okay. Yeah, yeah, hold it there. Oh, yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So for $40 online, you could find it Halloween costumes.com kids dolphin costume.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Face is exposed.

[Jake Johnson]

Literally just a kid's Halloween costume with the face sticking out. You do that. You bring that in and you say, I think this could be really fun. I want to give this as a reward to my best student who participates so much. The parents would love it. Parents would show up for photos. It would be like a huge thing for, like, guess what? Sarah got Dolphin of the Month. And it's not with her face covered. Her face is there. And it's whoever does the best in gym for that month who shows up every day, tries their hardest. They get to do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Caller or Guest]

I mean, that's genius.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's. Now you. Don't steal the other one now you, you just say, there's something I want to do with the new curriculum. It has nothing to do with you. You go, I want to get the kids more engaged. This is a hot takes type situation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

But I want to get the students more into it. And what I think it is, is I need to incentivize it. But I'm going to do a thing, like, I'm going to create a dolphin challenge. And that is, you almost do it like Ninja warrior. If you can do 50 push ups, you can do that. You do all these, then you qualify. If you qualify, then it's the best time. But you only get to be the dolphin. You can't do it twice in a row. So a kid would have to say, I would like to try to qualify. And you go, all right. In under 20 minutes, you've got to run half a mile. You've got to do this. And when they do it, that means you're pretty athletic.

[Caller or Guest]

That feels like a big winner right there for me.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great, great. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Now then, will you. When you pitch it to the other teachers, will it be a informal. Will it be a PowerPoint? How are you going to do it?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah. So, like, we're done for summer now. I think Birth. I got all summer work on the best PowerPoint I've ever seen. And I can hit it with them at like a pre. Pre conference. And Dolphin. Dolphin of the Month or. Or whatever. This is what we want to name it. Yeah, that. That just feels like a winner.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you said, this is starting for the new year, new curriculum. I'm going to introduce it to the kids on the first day.

[Caller or Guest]

Yes. And then they get to be the dolphin that everybody takes pictures with at the. At the student the month thing.

[Jake Johnson]

That feels like right now, but also really quickly. Then you take a photo of it and the dolphin of the month goes up in one of the hallways.

[Caller or Guest]

We could. We can do little pictures in the gym, like a little wall of fame.

[Jake Johnson]

And so every. It really. So then you get to go like. And look, you can get it twice in a row. You can be. You know, you could win the year because what you want is. You want about five kids getting competitive.

[Caller or Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what PA Is all about, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's great.

[Caller or Guest]

That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Addition is. Since he has all summer, do we want to offer him the opportunity to come in for a 10 minute pre pitch so we can weigh in a little bit before you go into the dolphin tank?

[Caller or Guest]

Oh, yeah, I'm in.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we might do that on Patreon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's great.

[Jake Johnson]

But either way, will you come in and show us the PowerPoint presentation? We can give some notes on it and we'll work on this with you this summer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. So when you feel like you've got it together. Sounds like you like the sauce a little bit. So enjoy yourself. You're a teacher, you work real hard, go reward yourself. But when you're tired getting back into game shape, get the pitch together, email us, we'll give you some notes and then we'll set you off so you never have to be in that suit again.

[Caller or Guest]

Hey, Jake. Gareth. I really appreciate you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate you, coach.

[Jake Johnson]

Go get him. Really? We're going to win.

[Caller or Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wins only Wayne's only pretty fast. And we are brought to you by Wayfair. Oh, Wayfair. Listen, Wayfair crushes it. Your space should feel like you. And if it doesn't yet, that's probably not a taste problem. It's a budget problem. Well, Wayfair fixes that. I know that. I got a lot of stuff from Wayfair. It just feels more like a home. I've got a new end table for a lamp. Not a new lamp, but now it feels like a new lamp. A thing for all the bedding at the end of the bed, which is great. I call it the bedding casket. You know, it looks like if a sheet Dracula would rise up out of it. But it just gives you all those little, dare I say accoutrement that makes your home feel a lot more like a home. And there's so much stuff. I mean you're going through it, you were flying through it. It's unbelievable how much stuff is on there. You in Wayfair? I did get lost in Wayfair for a little bit. Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to Wayfair.com right now. Shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A Y F A I R dot com and we're brought to you by Quint. Oh, the joys of Quint. Ah, Quint makes summer better. One thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed, find myself reaching for those pieces. I've got a new quince piece that's out there. It's a collared shirt but it's like short sleeve and it's kind of puffy. I'm not good at explaining it, but I love it. And that's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on well made essentials that naturally just become those everyday staples that you actually live in all season long. And there's a lot of reasons to love quince. 100%. Linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on all that stuff. And that's $34. Their tees. Oh, I've got a lot of their tees. Their tees are soft enough to live in all day. And that lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when the summer nights cool down. Everything at quints is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories. They cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. It is the best. Cannot say enough good stuff about quints. Everyone I know who uses Quince uses Quince gets Quints loves it. So make sure your summer wardrobe is easier. Go to quints.com here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. We let you in. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com here to help. And we're brought to you by Mint Mobile. There are things in life that you don't want to be transparent, like your swimsuit research history. But there is something you want to be transparent. You know, we're talking about Your wireless bill transparency is everything. That's why Mint Mobile's wireless plans have no gimmicks, no gotchas. Just high speed data and reliable coverage on the T Mobile 5G network. And right now, all plans are $15 a month, even unlimited. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com heretohelp. That's mintmobile.com here to help cut your wireless bill from 15 bucks a [e-mail] heretohelp. That's it. There's no catch. Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12. $15 month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term Only greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Includes up to 20 gigabyte hotspot capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. CMIT mobile.com. hello.

[Caller or Guest]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. What's your name, please?

[Caller or Guest]

It's Ally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ally. Where are you calling from, Ally?

[Caller or Guest]

Houston.

[Gareth Reynolds]

From where?

[Caller or Guest]

Houston, Texas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Houston. Beautiful. How old are you, Allie?

[Caller or Guest]

39.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there we go. That's it. Anything else, Allie? Then we'll jump in.

[Caller or Guest]

Nope.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, that's all I got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's party. What's happening?

[Caller or Guest]

Okay, well, I've got a delicate breakup situation that I. I know you guys can help me with. So my husband still sees his pediatric dentist because he says they've been through a lot over the last 35 years.

[Jake Johnson]

35?

[Caller or Guest]

He is? Yeah. My husband's 37.

[Jake Johnson]

He's been seeing him since he was insane. He goes to a baby boy dentist.

[Caller or Guest]

He does. This is a baby boy problem.

[Jake Johnson]

I need you to come up to Great Guy dentistry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got to get him to Great Guy school.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah. Yes. Yes. That is what I told him. But he is finally ready to move on to an adult dentist. But the two problems are that he's 25 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He doesn't want to hurt the pediatric dentist.

[Jake Johnson]

The only other problem, he's going to be 40 soon.

[Caller or Guest]

Yes. Yes. He has a 401k back problem. Still sees a dentist with stickers and a treasure chest. You know, there's a lot of problems

[Jake Johnson]

when the dentist goes like this. What do you want to watch? Bluey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Little guy. What flavor? Fluoride, grape or bubble gum.

[Caller or Guest]

Yes. Crazy. That is. That is probably a pretty good reenactment of the. Of the appointment.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great.

[Caller or Guest]

So he doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Sorry. Just how old do we think the dentist is?

[Jake Johnson]

70s.

[Caller or Guest]

And my. I've Never actually met him. I have, you know, googled him to make sure he's a real dentist. I. I would guess he retires in the next five to seven years, so

[Gareth Reynolds]

we're talking probable 70s, like Jake said.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, for sure.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep. Keep going.

[Caller or Guest]

So. Yes, he doesn't want to hurt his feet.

[Jake Johnson]

He's been disguised dentist for 35 years. Bye, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Shocking.

[Jake Johnson]

Which means.

[Caller or Guest]

Well, he.

[Jake Johnson]

When he started, he had to have 35.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I mean, he could have been younger, but still. Either way, it's not. Yeah, it's. It's an unacceptable situation. Okay. Any. Keep going, Allie.

[Caller or Guest]

So we also have. We just had a baby last year, and I am afraid this dentist is gonna think, you know, we've got a multi generation, two for one special. I don't want my child seeing this dentist.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you don't?

[Caller or Guest]

Because he's gonna retire in five years.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller or Guest]

And then I'm gonna have to find a new dentist. It's also weird. This guy sees adults. I mean, or an adult, at least. I hear you. Okay. It's not a vibe.

[Jake Johnson]

I got you. Look, mom doesn't want the dentist. We're not doing the dentist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, thank you.

[Caller or Guest]

That is the right answer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're on your side. Okay, so.

[Caller or Guest]

So the bottom line. Question is, how can my husband break up with his pediatric dentist without hurting his feelings?

[Jake Johnson]

And interesting.

[Caller or Guest]

I know you're gonna say this is your husband's problem. He should have called in because the obvious solution is for him just to go there and say, sorry, my guy, the old ball and chain, wants me to leave. She's crazy. But by me calling in, you have to be on my side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think.

[Caller or Guest]

You can't have that be a pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I don't like the idea that he skate that. That would feel very strange to me. I. Obviously my brain is going and we have to lie. But the lie to me is not to say my wife hates you for

[Jake Johnson]

some reason, but I also. One thing I will say what I really like you just did, Ali, is you've turned our podcast into a game where you know what we were gonna do. You knew the rules and you countered our move before we did it. And that's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So, by the way, well played. We're not gonna do that now. That's off the table. We're on your side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. But I am definitely thinking a lie is in the cards. Is there anything else, Ali?

[Caller or Guest]

Not that I can think of.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys in Houston, Texas, or are you in a suburb of Houston? Texas. You in the city we are in.

[Caller or Guest]

Yep. Houston proper.

[Jake Johnson]

I got an easy one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. We're moving right into Galveston.

[Jake Johnson]

New York City. We're going to New York.

[Caller or Guest]

Oh, oh, we're moving far. We're leaving the state. Is that.

[Jake Johnson]

That's so far away. You'll never see him again. He comes with a bottle of wine. He goes, thanks for being my baby boy, Dennis. I'm taking these chompers to the Big Apple.

[Caller or Guest]

I like the bottle of. I like the bottle of wine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do too. I think what we have here is a unique opportunity to enjoy the breakup and enjoy the lie.

[Jake Johnson]

Same. And we're talking to a 70 year old dentist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

He's gonna believe anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And, and why not make him feel really good about it.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, what if he got an opportunity to go to. To model teeth. His teeth are so beautiful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are your husband's teeth?

[Caller or Guest]

I, they, he, he had braces and had gear for 10 years, which is part of what they've been through together. So his teeth are definitely improved. And model school for teeth maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does, does your husband. Has he, like, we've talked about this on the show before, Jake, but parents sometimes will hold on to the kids baby teeth. Does your husband have any stuff from the dentist in the house or does his parents have anything? Because maybe we could put together a real nice see you later care package.

[Jake Johnson]

But what is the. What is. Apart from the care package? What is the thing? Are they moving? I can't just say, here's a care package. What are you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The first thing that popped into my head was my wife became a dentist and she won't let me.

[Jake Johnson]

The first thing that came into my head was he was going to go to dentistry school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. There's something about just after doing this

[Jake Johnson]

for so long and being here, I realized I might switch gears. I've been inspired by you and I want to open up my own dentistry office in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh? Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if he. You see him in six months, you go, I'm just home visiting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

How's it going? I fell into a new line of work. I didn't realize how hard it was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's beauty in the idea that this guy is not going to be able to corroborate anything. He's old. The Internet, it's. You could really leave on a beautiful high note.

[Caller or Guest]

I, I am here for the lie. I think, I think you are correct. This is a lying situation. I like the alcohol gift. We, to my knowledge, do not have any of his baby teeth in our House. But I could definitely ask his mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Caller or Guest]

I don't think dentistry school is a good life for him.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that's fair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's fine.

[Caller or Guest]

It would be a. It would not be a clear career path for him. Yeah, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I mean, maybe it's something more along the line, like maybe we can create a really interesting job offer for him that's taking him out of the state.

[Jake Johnson]

Is a move, something you guys could do or.

[Caller or Guest]

No, we. So a move would definitely be a believable. I mean, and we probably will move in the next year or two, but it would just be in the city, so it would only be a baby lie. But he would probably not believe we were moving out of the state because, you know, we're close to family and they're all here. And he knows that since he's seen him for 35 years.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotcha.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What does your husband do for work now?

[Caller or Guest]

He works in business administration at a hospital. It boring. Paperwork. Part of a hospital.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So maybe we could do something where he has been recognized for his administrative work. And NASA reached out to him, but they have a very specific dental plan, so he can't use the pediatric dentist anymore because NASA has this whole thing they like to keep. They. This is how they do it. But he already saw. He went and had a consultation and the NASA dentist was like, holy. Whoever's been doing your teeth has been taking great care of you. This is a real pleasure. And we're going to give him a care package with some alcohol, a gift card to Culver's. Just a couple things like that as a sayonara.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's another one, because I think what Gareth is saying is very right and very solid. What if he goes in there and he says, hey, I just want to say I'm not going to be coming back, but I thank you for the 35 years. I think you're wonderful. And he goes, well, what happened? And say, my wife no longer believes in modern dentistry. She got caught up on something on the web. And he goes. He goes, oh, what? And you go, you know what's happening with these conspiracy theories and fluoride in the water. And he goes, like, I don't know what you're talking about. And you go, here's the long and short of it. I love you. Thank you. Here's a bottle of wine. My wife's gone cuckoo bananas, but we are going to take a multi year break from dentistry and we're going to do it with banana pe, because that's what she believes. Is the best thing. And we're gonna brush with charcoal. And he goes, I don't even know. But there are certain fights I'm willing to fight, and this one's not one of them. So I thank you. I love you, and I wish you nothing but the best. What are you thinking about what we're saying. You like any of this stuff?

[Caller or Guest]

I. I do. Gareth, your. Your NASA pitch kind of gave me an idea. So I don't know that I like NASA, but I don't know that they're giving my husband an award for beautiful teeth and a scholarship and all that, but my husband is on his insurance through work, and I'm on my insurance through work, so what if the lie was that he was switching to my insurance?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, keep.

[Caller or Guest]

And my insurance is only for adults.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what the guy will say. I'll make it work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I'm worried about. I'm worried that this guy is going to bend over backwards for this.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't worry about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, we'll figure it out. I'll. $20. I'll do cleanings for you, and then if you have a major problem, then.

[Jake Johnson]

35.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God, you're a friend at this point.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I. I don't think we get. We gotta make it so there's no way this old timer and this old timer can't fix it. You know what you could do? How about this? The similar to in the Jewish culture or in the Mexican culture, a quinceanera or a bar mitzvah. He's growing up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's almost 40, but 35 years later, I'm going.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to. I'm finally a man. I have my first appointment next week with an adult dentist. I'm so nervous. And you and his mom and everybody goes in and goes just the way when you. Like when I do this with my kids. When you're, like, done with a certain doctor, where we're all like, oh, thank you so much for all your help. And then he's like, well, I'm gonna miss the girls. And it's like, yeah, but they're not sex anymore. So you go in there, you get a little party hat, a little cake, and it's like, now it's time. And your husband's really scared, but it's time to go to the big boy dentist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what we could do? I mean, that. That's all great. I'm just. Here's what we could do. Ali has become obsessed with celebrity smile culture, and he's gonna go get veneers. So he's not even gonna need dental work anymore. He's gonna have fake. Big. Fake Tony Robbins chomper. And he can be like, I'm not into it, but this is what it's gonna be.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm getting caps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta get caps. She's sending me to Turkey.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You ever seen John Elway? I'm going to look like him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going to have the Elway smile, and this is it.

[Jake Johnson]

She wants him to be one size too big for my face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, She's.

[Jake Johnson]

My lips won't fully close.

[Caller or Guest]

So that. I mean, so a possibility with that. His dad actually did do that. And this is not in Turkey, but that has. Has a two situation. But could maybe say he wants to go to the same place as his dad.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Yeah. I think he's the same route. I think he's just, you know, I'm gonna. And. But here's what the dentist is gonna say. This is crazy. There's nothing wrong with your teeth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but this is.

[Jake Johnson]

But like, we're saying he's gotta say it's a. Well, then I would say. He says it's a style choice and it's an Ali.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My wife. Listen, I like it. My dad really likes it, but my wife is obsessed with it. I told her, you know what?

[Jake Johnson]

She's gotten really into Tony Robbins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And if he wants to heighten it and you can get away with this with an old guy.

[Caller or Guest]

Go.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, the worst part is I gotta start doing spray tans, too. And then go like, happy wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, there is a very easy way for us to get some sort of photo where your husband is a shade darker with big white veneers, and we can just send it to the dentist and be like, the new me. Miss you, pal.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you know, we could do. He doesn't have to do it in person. We can do that photo and go.

[Caller or Guest]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Just writing to say thank you for all the years. I ended up switching to veneers, so I won't be needing anything more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for the 35 years I've. I loved every moment of it. I wish you nothing but the best. Why don't check out my new smile now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't we have him go drop off a little something at the door of the dental office with the dentist name on it? Same time we shoot a text with this. It's veneer time. It's over.

[Jake Johnson]

This is great, Allie.

[Caller or Guest]

I am very here for the veneer option. I like that. I like the fake picture. I like everything about it. I do think that he wants to, like, say goodbye. Thanks, but see you in person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller or Guest]

So maybe, like, he could go to one more cleaning, give him the gift bag, say goodbye, and then send a fake picture.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's exactly a month or two later.

[Caller or Guest]

And say, look. Look what I went and did. I flew the coop and got these teeth.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's exactly right. And so it's a really lovely thing. And if he tries to talk him out of it, then he just has to say, I'm excited about it and so is my wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My wife's in love with the idea.

[Caller or Guest]

That's a great shutdown. And I don't come out too crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you just have weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of people are doing this. Yeah. You just have those chompers.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think this is really good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I like that. Let's. Let's do, you know, let's do like a bottle of wine. Some. A couple other things. If we can find a picture of him maybe as a kid smiling, you pop that in there. A little card that just says, thanks for everything.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe tanks for the memories. And he's wearing a tank top.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah,

[Caller or Guest]

I can do that.

We can.

We can get a before and after braces smile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly. And then in two months, like you said, we text the. The fake veneer picture and just say on to the next chapter. And then I think, all the best.

[Jake Johnson]

There's. You know, the truth is, there's a way to do that photo with AI. There's also a really fun way that you guys could do where you go get fake caps for the day and go to Sears and take family photos where he gets a spray tan before. And I would kind of recommend you guys do that because it'll be a great family thing. And you use those as your Christmas cards.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What we could do is. What we could do is we could say she's. She's, like, kind of upset, you know, like, we're 39. We're almost on 40. She's. She's taken all these. She started spray tanning like crazy. She wants me to get veneers. And then you go to Sears. You have the wild tan on. He's got the big goofy smile. And that can be the Christmas card. It's a fun joke. And the dentist gets to see the evidence. But then you're participating, too.

[Jake Johnson]

But just do it.

[Caller or Guest]

I'm here for that because that's great.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's the fun of these if you guys get family photos of them, too, just send them to everybody for your Christmas card.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, honestly, I'm gonna pitch one more thing, and I don't want to. You're in the car, the car started, you're about, why don't we put a wig on the baby? So the baby's got big weird hair or veneers or.

[Caller or Guest]

Yes. Oh, we could do wig and veneers. We can definitely dress the baby up in a weird way.

[Jake Johnson]

So do three regular photos. Miami baby. You know, on the back, there's always, like, one other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So the main one can just be you guys in, like, white sweaters on the beach. Then there's one with, like, your dog, talking about, like, all the accomplishments you guys did. Whatever. And then one of them, you're all in veneers, and the baby's in veneers,

[Gareth Reynolds]

and you're tanned and you don't make a comment.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't mention it, and you wait to hear, like, your aunt write back and go, like, what is happening? But let them all gossip behind your back about it.

[Caller or Guest]

I love this. I absolutely love it. That is a much better lie than we ever could have come up with.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. And we need those photos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, sweet mother of God.

[Caller or Guest]

We will absolutely share any photo.

[Jake Johnson]

And while you're doing actually any of the testing of veneers on the baby and your husband, film the stuff on your phone for behind the scenes, please. We'll have it. We'll post it at least on our Patreon. Yeah, Kyle could cut a whole video of it. There's just too much good stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Ally, keep us posted.

[Caller or Guest]

Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Sweet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 260, a disgusting session.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello. Hello. How are you?

[Caller or Guest]

This is. I'm great, thank you. It's nice to hear you again.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I remember this voice.

[Caller or Guest]

Maybe you remember the laughter as well.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Caller or Guest]

This is Betty, the teacher with dreams about parents.

Ah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Remember Jay?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, the dreams about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's a dream. She's a dream banger.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you do us a favor? Because we. I'll speak for myself, not Gareth. I have old man ears all of a sudden.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm excited for Jake to ask you to not do your accent.

[Jake Johnson]

You try to slow down a little bit for this old dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Betsy, can you do an American accent for us? Is that possible?

[Jake Johnson]

So walk us through.

[Caller or Guest]

So my problem was that I was. I was having trouble speaking to parents that I've had sex Dream about.

[Jake Johnson]

That's correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because you. You kept thinking about it.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, yeah. And I was all giggly and I was a bit nervous and wasn't really, like, in proper headspace.

[Jake Johnson]

And I remember Lamorne said, man, just think about. Most likely they had sex dreams about you too. Yeah, Crazy take.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy. It's always great to have him, but I think for the callers, maybe not as helpful for our numbers, for our entertainment value. Very helpful. But I don't know if Betty left that going, like, okay, no, she didn't

[Jake Johnson]

go, well, that's great. They're sex dreaming about me too. And no reason to continue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's the circle of life.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, Betty, what did we suggest you do? What did you do? Follow up with us. Where are we at here, lady? Also, what country are you in again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a good one.

[Caller or Guest]

I'm in Czech Republic. In Prague.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Caller or Guest]

So your. Your advice was, Jake, to have a discussing session? To have a dream. No, not dream. To masturbate with the parent in my mind. And to think about him doing something really, really disgusting, like drooling, having dirt behind their nails, all these really nasty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So sort of take the fantasy to a disgusting level and then take him out of your dream world because you're no longer thinking about him in any way.

[Jake Johnson]

I know this is gonna sound bad, but I think that's a very good piece of advice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do, too. I think that's good.

[Caller or Guest]

I do.

It's really, really good advice.

[Jake Johnson]

What happened?

[Caller or Guest]

Well, the result is I haven't had a sex dream about any parent so far, like, since our discussion. It was okay, but was I able to follow your advice, Jake?

No.

I wasn't able to masturbate while thinking about these things. It's impossible.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you weren't.

[Jake Johnson]

You weren't even able. Hold on. Because it ruins the masturbation session. Is that correct?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, it throws all the vibe, all

[Jake Johnson]

my mood, and it changes. Yes. She's saying she tried.

[Caller or Guest]

I tried, but. But I wasn't successful. But I didn't have any dreams as well, so maybe it's connected.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a bell ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Without question, it's a bell ring.

[Jake Johnson]

So do something really fun just because this is a show about entertainment. Walk us through the fantasy that you tried and that midway through you said, I'm a teacher in the Czech Republic and I can't even masturbate to this nonsense. I'm just going to bed. Walk us through what happened.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay. I hear the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's why I love Our colleagues. I asked her to do something very embarrassing and she just goes, okay, well,

[Gareth Reynolds]

it's also one thing to have a dirty, dirty session with a strange man, but now to be like, yeah, I'll open it. I'll tell you. Let me walk you through it.

[Caller or Guest]

I don't know how big your audience in Czech Republic is, but not very big.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to be probably under 16.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's you.

[Jake Johnson]

We're talking to our audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're talking to our Czech Republic audience right now.

[Jake Johnson]

It honestly is you.

[Caller or Guest]

So I feel really, like, comfortable to talk to you. It's really fine. You wouldn't believe this. I'm calling from my office. One of my parents just walked in. So just. Okay, so hold on a minute until they leave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do they speak English?

[Caller or Guest]

I think yes. Yeah, I think they are in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So ask them if they like podcasts.

[Jake Johnson]

We don't want them listening to this. Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, for her sake, we don't. But for our sake, we could double the audience for her. We can double the check audience right now.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Ask if they listen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ready? Just ask her if she likes good advice from bad people

[Jake Johnson]

or bad advice from good people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Advice from good people. We got it all, babe. So what else?

[Jake Johnson]

Are they gone?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, we are gone. Yeah, we're good.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead. So tell. Walk us through this session that failed, and then we're gonna get out of here.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay. So I imagine us having a really nice dinner. Nice setting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta just real quick, Betty, I gotta jump in and just.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake, Real difference between men and women.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what men aren't doing. They're like this. Oh, man, I got a minute. I gotta get this thing done. Hold on one second. To the pretend waiter, calamari for the

[Gareth Reynolds]

table, whatever she would like. And then I'll have. Let's really? Yeah. It's not a two hour dinner.

[Jake Johnson]

Could we get a bottle of wine?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Literally, it starts with us in bed. That's where it starts.

[Jake Johnson]

Literally, it starts, my clothes are off. Halfway done in bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Everything is blurry. Insane.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like I hit my head and I woke up during sex. That's how masturbating for me starts.

[Jake Johnson]

It's literally starts in a fever. Drink. Pretend. You want to know what it's like for a man. For men, men drink a bottle of Nyquil. And then when it's peaking, just start the fantasy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's like at Gut Point, someone was like, you have 30 seconds to finish. You're like, I take this mission with great Sincerity.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you're at a fake fantasy dinner.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, exactly. Candles are there. Bottle of wine. Spaghetti and. Some spaghetti and salmon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it Steve Berg across the table, Spaghetti and salmon.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you the female Steve Berg? The only person who masturbates about dinner is Steve Berg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Steve would be like, oh, I love that he's like this.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus, what do you expect me to finish before dessert?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, salmon aren't the only thing swimming upstream.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, Betty, is that a job?

[Jake Johnson]

They're appetizers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa, whoa, Betty, slow down, slow down. What were the specials?

[Jake Johnson]

Bread and butter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What were the specials? Who were the waiter?

[Caller or Guest]

There was no waiter. It was just in limbo.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just a fantasy. Garrett, quit asking weird questions. Keep going back, Steve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Finishing a dinner is pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

It's pretty funny. Can I get you guys. Steve finishes when they bring the dessert tray, where they're like, not just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why they have the glass over it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so keep going, baby. So you're at dinner, and I love that you're eating salmon and spaghetti.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or a horrible meal.

[Jake Johnson]

Masturbation fantasy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A horrible meal.

[Caller or Guest]

Okay. Yeah, exactly. I wanted something that wasn't really, like, aesthetically pleasing on the table.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller or Guest]

And. And then I imagine the guy having Drew in the corner of. Of his mouth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller or Guest]

And dirt behind their fingernails.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller or Guest]

And then it was where I said, like, stop. I'm not gonna do it. It's impossible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is 100 your pitch, Jake. She just didn't get to the. All the clothes, Betty. All the clothes remained on.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Who's gonna take that guy's clothes off? He's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Caller or Guest]

We couldn't continue. I couldn't continue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just. You just had it.

[Jake Johnson]

Betty, I want you to do that about every parent. Betty, listen to me. When you start a new school year, it's April. So when you start next year, the first thing you do when you meet all the parents, and you guys are like, I'm gonna be the teacher this year. I'm so excited to have your students. We're gonna learn so many great things. Get a mental snapshot of everybody, take them out for salmon and spaghetti that night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I honestly think you should just bring in salmon and spaghetti and set it on your desk and just be like, help yourselves.

[Jake Johnson]

Make everybody do, like, an art class thing where they have to put their hands in dirt under the nails.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And just, like a haunted house, they

[Jake Johnson]

have to grab the salmon spaghetti with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Grab it. Yeah, yeah. With blindfolds on. Well, Betty, you're in the clear. I mean, this one's solved.

[Caller or Guest]

And there's one thing that really I think will amuse you is one of my parents in the class that is coming is this guy, because he's coming with his younger son.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, he's coming right now.

[Caller or Guest]

He'll be, like, in my class next year as my first grader.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the Sam is saying I'll be

[Caller or Guest]

teaching his younger kids. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's coming back.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah. Okay. So he's a big one in your head.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, probably. Probably. I was just meeting him because he was my. My son's classmate father. But no.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what we got to do. We got to do another preemptive strike. Take him out on two more bad dates. Yeah, I wanted to. I want his smell to be so intense that in the car, you got to unroll the windows. And I want him to talk about stuff that you find so boring that as he's talking in bed, you're like, would you shut the hell up, dude? Betty, you're the best. I would say this follow up. Pretty damn special.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We might be seeing you at the Helpies. God damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Betty.

[Caller or Guest]

Betty, am I aspiring?

[Jake Johnson]

You're aspiring.

[Caller or Guest]

Thank you, guys. Just.

[Jake Johnson]

Betty, just in case you won the Helpies, what would your speech be? You got 30 seconds on action. Three, two, Piggly. And go ahead.

[Caller or Guest]

I. I really want to thank all the parents that I'm here. Thank you, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take care, Betty.

[Caller or Guest]

Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, I just had to leave you a message after hearing that lady correct you on toll and tab, and I

[Gareth Reynolds]

just wanted to say to her, hey,

[Jake Johnson]

dumbass, it is a tab. These are your drunk uncles at the bar. What do you get at the bar? You get a tab, you pay your tab. Stop yelling at them. They're doing their best. They know what they're doing better than you. Do you know who we are? And by that, I meant, do we know who you are? No, but we do know who Jake and Gareth are. So stop harassing them and be good and just listen to the show. It's free. Pay the freaking tab. Well, I guess you wouldn't pay if it's free anyways. Pay the tab. These guys deserve it. Everybody check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early, and there's also back catalog episodes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. So we're here to help. Is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. It's just. Join us. Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Caller or Guest]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a Hitgum podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Foreign. Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and Alexa,

[Caller or Guest]

AKA the Popcorn Queen and King.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family. As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey. And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[Caller or Guest]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important healing. Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load. If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate@n a krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being such an incredible community.

[Jake Johnson]

And thank you for always being there to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome to Jackass the podcast, a new show. Coming to.

[Jake Johnson]

Coming to. That's what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Jeff Tremaine. Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show now on Headgum.

[Jake Johnson]

I've learned a Jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Apparently there's only so much butthole you can take. We're going to take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best, best spits, bad behavior, and even worse decisions. All of it. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions.

[Caller or Guest]

Jeff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've noticed that every every so often with guests like Spike Jones, I Think.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's commit to Jackass the Podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was it going to be called? The Jackass Podcast Podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Without you, the IQ drops significantly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Steve O. There's a strong chance that were it

[Jake Johnson]

not for Jackass, that I would be in clown makeup right this minute.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chris Pontius, that shot of your butt

[Jake Johnson]

just cruising up, I'm like, yeah, I got that on tv. God bless us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dave England.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, when you come in and you're

[Gareth Reynolds]

being really nice, I'm like, damn it,

[Jake Johnson]

something bad's gonna happen to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wee Man Jeff grabbed me from the

[Jake Johnson]

back of the head and threw a punch.

[Caller or Guest]

The whole bar just stopped and wanted

[Gareth Reynolds]

to kill me, like, and some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning.

[Jake Johnson]

I had to share a room with this guy, and I left a nice

[Gareth Reynolds]

surprise in the toilet for him every time. Apparently, he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass the Podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts.

[Jake Johnson]

Our new episodes drop on June 18th. Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram, Instagram, and TikTok @jackassthepodcast. What were we just talking about? Probably buttholes. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[Caller or Guest]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we going to cry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, a little bit. Are we going to laugh a lot? A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen to.

[Jake Johnson]

That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.