306: Ask Dragon Spirit & The No Pee Awards

Summary

We're Here to Help — Episode 306: Ask Dragon Spirit & The No Pee Awards

Date: July 13, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Podcast Network: Headgum

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Episode Overview

This episode brings listeners the trademark blend of unqualified but heartfelt advice, comedic bits, and off-the-wall strategies for life’s dilemmas. Jake and Gareth take listener calls about familial obsessions with personality tests, managing a road trip full of kids, and a follow-up about slippery household floors. The duo’s friendly banter and inventive pitch sessions shine, especially with their new "pay up" approach, insisting on follow-through from those taking their advice.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Colonoscopy & Medical Mishaps (01:27 – 09:25)

• Personal Stories: Gareth dives into his recent colonoscopy, from prepping with blue jello to awkward doctor interactions. Jake shares similar experiences, emphasizing the necessity for people in their 40s to get checked.
• Humor in Discomfort: Loads of TMI jokes, embarrassing medical prep stories, and even Gareth recounts almost having an accident in public.
• Recurring Theme: The strange comfort of turning awkward medical experiences into comedy.

Notable Quotes:

• "It's kind of a pain in the ass. Pardon the pun." — Gareth Reynolds (05:02)
• "The doc said... you have a beautiful— I said thank you." — Jake Johnson (05:10)

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2. Caller 1: Lindsay’s Brother & The Myers-Briggs Hangup (13:48 – 38:42)

Caller Intake

• Name: Lindsay (25, British Columbia)
• Scenario: Brother ("Rocky," 8 years older) is obsessed with the Myers-Briggs personality test, lets it dominate relationships, and even broke up with a girlfriend over "incompatible types."
• Family Dynamic: Rest of family doesn’t see it as a big problem, but Lindsay feels it's affecting her brother’s life negatively.

Advice Pitches

• Jake's Pitch: Mirror Rocky by inventing her own obsessive system—the "Lindsay Personality Test." Whenever her brother brings up Myers-Briggs, she launches into her own (made-up) personality framework to out-annoy him and break the fixation.
• Gareth's Spin: Parody the obsession by pretending to join a soft cult (e.g., developing a new obsession like "Hbata," a fake martial art from one of Jake’s comedy pilots) and only bring it up in response to his Myers-Briggs talk.

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• [20:04] Gareth: "What you're doing, stupid man. But if you mirrored it…found a fake guru, almost like you're in a little bit of a soft cult…"
• [22:36] Jake: "There's a real win in out-annoying the annoying."
• [32:02] Lindsay (in roleplay): "Why does the bird fly but not swim?"
• [37:08] Jake: "Like, you're crazy good at this—you're crazy good at this."

Roleplay Segment (30:00 – 38:00)

• Hosts help Lindsay test-drive conversations, roleplaying her brother. Lindsay nails the bit, parroting "Dragon Spirit" mumbo-jumbo until Jake and Gareth praise her comedic delivery ("You were better than I thought possible" — Jake, 32:11).
• Result: Lindsay feels confident to use this technique at family gatherings, possibly recruiting her parents for the scheme.

Takeaway

• Core Advice: Meet obsession with creative spoofing to break a conversational pattern, but only in direct response to the trigger topic for maximum effect.
• New Show Ethos: "Pay the toll"—callers are encouraged to record their results and send back audio or video.

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3. Caller 2: Lauren & The No Pee Awards (41:48 – 57:08)

Caller Intake

• Name: Lauren (29, Michigan City, Indiana; CNA)
• Scenario: Planning a road trip to Florida with four nephews (two 10yos, a 15yo, and a 16yo), her aunt, and cousin’s wife; worries about bathroom breaks, keeping kids busy, and avoiding constant "are we there yet?" questions.

Advice Pitches

• Gareth's Solution: Turn stops into a game—"No Pee Awards." Each unnecessary stop or lengthy break costs players points. Use a poster board to track everyone; grand prizes await the “least pee” champion.
• Jake's Refinement:
  • Schedule regular stops (every 3 hours), but extra stops require buzzing in and incur penalty points.
  • Bathrooms at designated breaks only (unless "buzzed").
  • Suggests winner gets a new video game or $100—real stakes for the kids.

Rules & Logistics

• Negative Points: For unscheduled stops, time-wasting, Gatorade bottle mishaps.
• Ceremony: Award prize(s) at the end of the trip—ceremony highly encouraged, complete with photos.
• Handling Ties/Feelings: If there’s a tie, split the prize. Crying is tolerated ("Crying because you lost is okay." — Jake, 56:03).

Notable Quotes:

• [46:09] Gareth: "Create a competition with incentives and prizes for who makes us stop the least...and you buy those before you go. Night two in Florida you have the Pee Awards."
• [52:58] Jake: "If you want to try to piss in a bucket, great. If there's spillage outside of the bottle—negative point."

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4. Caller 3: Reagan’s Slippery Floor Follow-up (58:03 – 64:15)

Recap

• Original issue (Ep. 254): Reagan’s wife over-cleans floors, making them dangerously slick.
• Advice previously given: Fake an injury/concussion from falling; send an "injury" text and set the scene for a sympathetic conversation.

Outcome

• Reagan staged the injury, complete with ice pack and broken glass, and convinced wife to change cleaning products. Floors less slippery, wife now wears mop slippers for cleaning.

“Pay Up” & Structure

• Jake and Gareth explain the new "pay up" rule: callers must eventually provide follow-up evidence that they used the advice.

Notable Quotes:

• [61:44] Gareth: "These are her mop slippers. And you're showing us—this is crazy. This is crazy now."
• [65:32] Jake & Gareth (chanting): "Pay up. Pay up. Pay up is the first time I'm gonna buy merch. I'm buying a payout."

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5. “Pay Up” Concept Clarified (64:34 – 67:34)

• Discuss the show’s new protocol for following up on advice; those who don’t “pay up” (i.e., provide proof of implementation) might get surprise calls from the hosts.
• Quick chat with producer/narrator Natalie about boring or underwhelming follow-up options and where to post them for completeness (social, Patreon, etc.).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On advice-giving: "[We’re] not trained, not qualified—but we do try." — Gareth
• On fake strategies: "Out-annoy the annoying. There’s a real win there." — Jake (22:36)
• On handling loss: "Crying because you lost is okay." — Jake (56:03)
• On paying up: "Everyone loves a free ride. Guess what? Pay up." — Gareth (65:31)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment/Topic | |--------------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 01:27–09:25 | Colonoscopy stories, embarrassing medical mishaps | | 13:48–38:42 | Lindsay & the Myers-Briggs obsession — spoofing advice | | 41:48–57:08 | Lauren & The No Pee Awards — road trip reward system | | 58:03–64:15 | Reagan’s slippery floor follow-up | | 64:34–67:34 | "Pay up" rule, show protocol, Patreon follow-ups |

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Tone & Style

• Conversational & irreverently supportive: Jake and Gareth riff on callers’ lives with empathy and silliness, dedicating themselves to both dumb bits and sincere help.
• Comedic improvisation: Roleplays, outlandish schemes, and constant self-deprecation rule the episode.
• Emphasis on action: Listeners are encouraged to report back (“pay up”) on whether advice actually made a difference.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• You’re never alone in dealing with strange family hangups or awkward life logistics.
• Sometimes, spoofing or parodying obsessions is the best way to break conversational patterns.
• Turning mundane challenges into competitions (or bits) can inject fun—and sanity—into long family trips.
• When you seek advice (even from goofballs), be prepared to “pay up” and share the results!

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For those who haven’t listened: This episode delivers a perfect cocktail of comedy, advice, and relatable real-life weirdness—plus, you’ll walk away with a strategy for both stopping Myers-Briggs zealots and managing backseat bladders.

Transcript

[Caller/Guest]

This is a headgum podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so funny how you're. I mean, the colonoscopy is so weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so weird. And I truly, you know, I do those ayahuasca diets. They're really hard. I do, I'll fast from time to time. I'll do a day. For some reason that day I was such a cranky little fella and I was so hangry. And the night before the fast day, I like ate like a, like, I just had like a veggie burrito before, like at 10pm I was like, that'll be fine. And then the next day I was like, I'm hungry. And I was so hungry. And you know, you can have Jello or popsicles, pretty much it. And broth. And I was like, I'm not gonna drink broth. So I got. So I made jello. I haven't made jello. I might be the first time I made jello. I made jello and I made a mistake. I made blue jello.

[Jake Johnson]

What's the mistake

[Gareth Reynolds]

again? Let's. I don't want to be gross, but it's hard when the only thing you have to eat is blue.

[Jake Johnson]

I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you have nothing else.

[Caller/Guest]

Ew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very strange to experience that. And even the next day, like, so I got through that day and I drink a lot of water. I mean, you see that thermos? I like water. So you can't drink any water except for the juice they give you. And that stuff is. You take it, you take it like five hours before bed and then three hours before check in. And it's gross and it's effective. And you did prep me but it is bad.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It's got a bad taste. So is. I have a joke on my. My standup album, and I think I mentioned this on the show before, but one time I was on a plane and. And I. And I shit my pants, and I didn't know how I shit my pants. I was hungover and I really was like, how did I. It was like a bigger moment because I was like, how do you not know? Like, you know, when you shit crazy, it's not great. So the whole day before and day of And. And evening after is. Is really just a ton of. How did I kind of poop a little bit? My pants.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you.

[Jake Johnson]

Your pants a bunch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I did. I wouldn't. I didn't. My pants. But I had to go to the bathroom.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that's different. My man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody. But I had to go to the bathroom because the process had already started without me signing off on it.

[Jake Johnson]

So you. Your pants. And then finished in the toilet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want to get my pants. Makes it sounds like I. In my pants.

[Jake Johnson]

How many underpants did you ruin?

[Gareth Reynolds]

None.

[Caller/Guest]

One.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh,

[Caller/Guest]

One.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One.

[Caller/Guest]

One.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it was while I was printing. So, you know, you stand by the printer, like, there they are. I was like, that's. I got to go.

[Jake Johnson]

So they. They bring you in the room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bring in the room.

[Jake Johnson]

And, you know, maybe this is a PSA to anybody who's thinking about it, because guess what? If you're in your 40s, men and women, it's time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's time. And you know what? I'm going to be honest. It's kind of a pain in the ass. Pardon the pun. It's a day that's fucking.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, it's a drag. But at least for mine, the doc said at the end one, he's a. You have a beautiful. I said, thank you. Did your doctor say that to you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Really? What did they say? Because mine said, beautiful, perfect. The best I've ever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Using the term butthole. Butthole.

[Jake Johnson]

What'd yours say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't even talk to my doctor after, to be totally honest with you.

[Jake Johnson]

He was so grossed out. She dipped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She dipped.

[Jake Johnson]

She was like, oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I said, I have.

[Jake Johnson]

Worth it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, she's like, rethinking her. Here's what.

[Jake Johnson]

Your legs were spread. She said, rethinking business choices.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what she thought.

[Jake Johnson]

She dear Johnned you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

Dear Gareth, thanks so much for the opportunity. You won't be seeing me again. I didn't write a novel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've talked about Dear John on this show before, and it really tracks that you and I are both like, that's a pretty good show.

[Jake Johnson]

Very solid NBC show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I doubt it. If. I bet we. If we watch Dear John right now, we'd be like, this is horrible.

[Jake Johnson]

So you get in the room, your lady's a doctor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get in the room, your doctor's a lady.

[Jake Johnson]

Dyslexia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Both. And they're great team. We're all talking. We're having a good gab.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you. Are you gabbing about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gabbing about a bunch of. We're gabbing about the drugs. We're gabbing about food. We're gabbing.

[Jake Johnson]

They're really friendly people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great people, great crew. We were having a good time. And then they. And then they. The, you know, the anesthesiologist, he puts the mask on and that's a real moment. He popped. And that's what I said. I was like, you're not. I was like, I. I have a feeling that this is goodbye time. So I just want to say it's been lovely chatting to you all and take care, you know, because I feel like I'm definitely dipping in a second here. Out. Fully out. Gone.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you a guy at a hypnosis show who instantly turns into a chicken?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've never done it, but I bet you.

[Jake Johnson]

I bet really funny if you're easily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet you I am hypnotized. I bet you I am. I bet you I. Part of me. Because part of me is just like, I love to perform what I am. I bet you part of me is just like, I hope he makes me the chicken.

[Jake Johnson]

When you go someplace and there's somebody on stage and they're looking for audience participation, are you hoping it's you now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, When I was a kid, it was my dream. No way I wanted to be brought up. I remember when I hung out with this kid once who went to the Universal Studio show and they had a bird fly on his head out of everyone in the audience. And I just assumed when I went to that show, like, in a couple days later, that was going to be me. And when it wasn't me at all, I remember being so. Like, what have I done? I was so quietly crestfallen and like, whatever child depression is, I was like, I would love to have the bird. And the same kid told me he found a hundred dollar bill on the ground once. And for the rest of my life, till this day, I'm always like, this. Gotta be a hundred.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, that Kid lied to you, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Either way.

[Jake Johnson]

So the drugs happen. How does it feel waking up from him?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Okay, you've told the story. I texted you this. You've told the story about how going and the guy said he loves. He's a fan of yours. He loves new girl. What? Like, what was that? He said new. He loves new girl.

[Jake Johnson]

He said, hey, man, big fan. And I go, thanks, you won't be soon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I come out and there's a few people, and one of the guys who's in and out says, hey, man, big fan of the pod love. We're here to help. And I just go, thank you. And I think that got me into the ham zone because I had a

[Jake Johnson]

place to be in a hamzone with a slippery butt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was trying for comedy quick.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. So fast after.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but. But my. Everything's a mile.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The guy who I ended up talking to, his name was Doug.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think I was like, doug is. Doug's a good name for a job like this. And he was like, what? And I was like, I don't know. I'm not sure either.

[Jake Johnson]

I think there's something to this bit. Like, dug out my butthole. Yeah, I'm pretty tired, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was. I need a minute. Why'd that kid find a hundred.

[Jake Johnson]

What's with the baby voice today? It's terrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me?

[Jake Johnson]

You've used it three times with the hangry stuff again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's my drugged voice on become a baby.

[Jake Johnson]

But you were with it when you were hungry too. Is there something about going through a procedure that you go back to baby voices?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Hey, we'd love to if you guys like comments like the baby voice.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that's a pretty good story. We're at around that time. All right, everybody, without further. Further. This episode of the podcast we're here to help is brought to you by task Rabbit. Task Rabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area for moving furniture, assembly, home repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. I Task Rabbit. I had to get a weird film off of my windows that I couldn't reach. I called within 15 minutes, somebody responded. Two hours later, they were here and they did it. I've had junk removed. I had a cabinet taken apart in my garage. I'm a big Task Rabbit fan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Caller/Guest]

How about this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to know what I got from Zazzle? I got a T shirt that I made with Jose on it. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Over 30 million customers have trusted Zazzle with their most important gifts. Yours is next. Like I said, I made a T shirt with a picture of my cat on it. It's right on my breast. It's like a crest. It's a breast crest. If you got a picture, you got a dream. Go to Zazzle. I love Zazzle. Right now. Save 25% on your first [e-mail]. that's 25% savings on your first [e-mail]. go make something amazing. ZazzlE.com. hello. Hello, Hello.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, how's it going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't you start this one?

[Jake Johnson]

God, it's going great. How's it going with you?

[Caller/Guest]

Pretty good. Slow start to the morning, but I'm glad to be here.

[Jake Johnson]

Why slow? What's happening?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I just got back from a conference of, like, this, like, past couple weeks. So I had a late flight last night, and so. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So where.

[Caller/Guest]

Nice sleep.

[Jake Johnson]

And where are you now?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm in British Columbia, Canada.

[Jake Johnson]

I love bc. That's cool. And where was the conference?

[Caller/Guest]

Montreal, Quebec.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool.

[Jake Johnson]

So what's your name?

[Caller/Guest]

Lindsay.

[Jake Johnson]

Lindsay and Lindsay, what's your age?

[Caller/Guest]

25.

[Jake Johnson]

You're just a kid, Lindsay. So you're from B.C. you were just in Montreal. If there was a book written about your life, Lindsay, what would it be called?

[Caller/Guest]

I thought you guys might ask this. Okay. Good stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

Good stuff.

[Caller/Guest]

It's a good title, I guess. Lindsay in a big wide World, A girl with no plan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what, Lindsay? Here's why I like that title of the book. Because you said you thought we might ask you that. At no point did you try to think of an answer, and you came in with kind of a weird book title, even though you were like, that might.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, I kind of love if I was at the airport and I'm like, ah, I don't have headphones. I'm not gonna be able to listen to anything. I'm gonna get a book. And I saw Lindsay in a big wide world with no plan. And my. I literally might go, I kind of like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would 100 not get it. I'd be like, why is this, Lindsay?

[Jake Johnson]

What's the picture? What's the COVID What's the artist?

[Caller/Guest]

Probably, like, some sunset or something with, like, a horse running in the back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a crazy. Such a crazy compliment to the title.

[Jake Johnson]

Now I'm lost.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I said, now I might buy it. Now I See that book and be like, what the actual. Is Lindsay the horse?

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Lindsay, what's the issue today? Very strange book.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Strange book. Okay, we just heard back from the publisher. There's notes.

[Caller/Guest]

There you go. Okay, so this one is a familial issue.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

But I got the blessing from my mom to do this, so we're all good. So my older brother has this obsession with the Myers Briggs personality test. Have you guys heard of that? No. Okay. It's like, one of the ones you do, like, in high school or at your workplace or whatever, and it gives you, like, an acronym with a bunch of characteristics about yourself.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Caller/Guest]

And so he basically. He's obsessed. Over the past few years, he has had. He has, like, a book about it, and he only really sees the world through this lens of the personality types.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

And over the past year, he's been letting it control his life a bit more. So it's. This whole thing is getting a bit weird because he was dating a girl a few months ago, and he was getting advice from me, which I thought was very nice until he let me know that she has the same personality type as me. So he's basically using me as a proxy for dating advice with her, which is fine, you know, whatever. But since then, they broke up, but he was ready to dump her, like, a few weeks into dating because they didn't have compatible personality types. And so my issue is, do you guys have any advice or how I can help my brother unshackle himself from the Myers Briggs personality test?

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many. How. How familiar are you with the test? Like, how many personality types are there?

[Caller/Guest]

I think there's 16 different combinations.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

And so I know mine, and I know his. I'm pretty sure. And so each one is, like, four different characters, and each one has two options for those characters. Okay, what, like introvert versus extrovert?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What should we call your brother?

[Caller/Guest]

Let's call him Rocky.

[Jake Johnson]

Actually, I do know about this test. We did it with my wife and I and my kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What were. What were you.

[Caller/Guest]

What's yours?

[Jake Johnson]

I can't fully remember. Probably all the annoying ones like extrovert, but I don't really remember. I remember my wife and I were a good. We were a good match.

[Caller/Guest]

That's okay. That's good to hear.

[Jake Johnson]

And so the question of this one then is how do we get. Your brother's getting a little bit obsessive with this.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And how do we get him off it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Seeing everyone through this prison?

[Caller/Guest]

Basically, yes, for sure. And it's like every single Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving dinner, he's bringing it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is he older or younger?

[Caller/Guest]

Older. Like eight years older than me.

[Jake Johnson]

That's hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that is hard. I'm trying to.

[Caller/Guest]

My. The rest of my family doesn't think. Isn't that big of an issue, though. But the breaking up with a girlfriend potentially because of it, I thought was maybe a bit of a cry for help.

[Jake Johnson]

Lindsay, I've got a weird idea. This probably is a bad pitch, but it's the first thing that came to my mind and it just makes me think of Lindsay in a big wide world with no plan. So just to remember, Gareth, what we're trying to do is get the brother off of talking about this Myers Briggs Personality Test, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

What if, Lindsay, you pretend to get obsessed with creating your own version and it's called the Lindsay Personality Test. And so whenever he talks about Myers, you talk about the one you're developing, and it's very close to Myers, but there's significant changes. So you literally just copy and paste their answers, but then make changes. So if he goes like, well, what's really interesting, mom, is you're an INJL and that means. Did you go like this? Oh, that's so weird, because for mom, she's an N I J V for me. And, you know, I'm trying to talk about Myers. And you go, I'm trying to talk about the Lindsay Personality Test here. And we kill him with annoyance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what just happened. This is what sometimes happens because I was a little paralyzed as to what to pitch on this. And then some. Jake just threw Tinder. And that is sparked some joy in my pitch mind. I think that's a great pitch. I think that's a great way to sort of say to him, hey, look, I. You know, but what you're doing, stupid man. But what if you mirrored what he was doing in a different way to sort of show him what it's like to deal with a sibling obsessed with something that the other. What if you found like a fake guru that you won't shut up about and you just. You kind. Almost like you're in a little bit of a soft cult and so you kind of start bringing it up and like, if he hand. Like, if he's like, do you want to get a hot dog? You're like, oh, well, no, the Troy says that anything like that. If I wouldn't.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what it could be, Gareth is Hibata. Oh, we could send her the Vimeo link to. And that she could become a Hobbadan and talk about Shelley all the time, but let's see if she's interested. So. But what. What do you think about being in a fake cult? And it starts off it's, oh, you only talk to your brother about it, and you only talk about it when he talks about Meyers. So if he's talking about the personality toast, you start talking about Hbata.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A. Great. Just. Sorry before you react. What's great about that is that what you're going either way. There are a number of ways you could solve it, but I think worst case scenario, he's gonna be like, I don't want to talk about the personality test. Because every time I do, she fucking brings up, hmm. You know, it's like when you're talking to someone and they make everything about themselves, you're like, I'm not gonna bring problems to this person anymore, but you could sort of Habata out his Myers Briggs personality fire.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Yeah. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, what do you think about that?

[Caller/Guest]

I feel like that kind of checks out because I think of the Myers Briggs personality test as like the business frat boy equivalent of maybe, like astrology.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. I think you're totally right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Right, Totally.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I can see this. Yeah. I could definitely commit to the soft cult idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, by the way, if you wanted to make it like, if you wanted to do astrology to combat it. Either way, being able to bring up something that kind of steals his joy from talking about this.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I. I think, Lindsay, there's a real win in out annoying. The annoying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yes.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Because he's not gonna. If you say, like, he really believes this is effective and he really thinks it's interesting. And your parents are probably just being parents, so they're like, it is interesting. And so you're in just a world of trouble where you're like, can't believe we're talking about this. So I really think an effective way is Gareth. You be him. And so I'm just going to use Habata. And if you don't like Habata, then we can find something else. But, Lindsay, I sent you a link to a pilot I made. Gareth was part of it as well. Our friend Josh Greenbaum directed it. But it's the reason I sent you, that is There's a lot of information about the cult in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That you could use so you're not making it up on the spot. So it's a fake cult. I know everyone gets annoyed on the Patreon, but The link is on the Patreon. We can't post it on YouTube because Apple said no. So if you listen to this and you want to hear, reach out to the show. We can send you a Vimeo link or just get on the Patreon. Maybe we'll make it. We'll try to get it easy, accessible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we can do that for sure,

[Jake Johnson]

but we just can't do it because we get in trouble by Apple.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so Jake's going to be you, I'm going to be Rocky. Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, I was actually thinking about what you said the other day about your issues at work. And I think because of your. Where you are on the Myers Briggs personality scale, that your extroverted nature is sort of making it so the introvert in you is kind of coming across, I think, to maybe some of the people you work with.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's so interesting because this thing I've been, you know what I mean? I do this thing I've been into habata, which is a martial art that was created during the Vietnam War. You're more of like a frog. And the way that is, is I'm also kind of. I'm like bamboo. So I sway more and you hop more. So it's very similar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is the habata? The habada is what.

[Jake Johnson]

It's this guy named Shelley who created it. He, he learned about it in Vietnam. It was like kind of taught to him. It's like an ancient tradition that's been passed down. But I've been really using habata to like get closer to people, understand relationships, think about like the human experience. So something like a Myers test is really cool, but it's smaller, if you will. Like, it's more just like a little thing. And habata is like everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I think. But I think you're. I think what's happened is you, your introvert has maybe found a way to sort of.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So like the, the way I see the Myers thing compared to Habata, it's like a little part of the human experience. But what I want to say about Habata is that's the whole thing. It's like the ancient gods.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not like, how did you find out about this?

[Jake Johnson]

There was somebody handing out a brochure on the side of the street named Nikki. Excitement. Okay, so just as an idea, Lindsay,

[Gareth Reynolds]

as a. I will say

[Caller/Guest]

someone who

[Gareth Reynolds]

went through the fake version is pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

But you see how like it makes him go. I don't want to keep Talking about

[Gareth Reynolds]

this, if you're attaching a negative to every time he brings it up, first of all, it's probably going to help your circumstance, but it's also going to make him go, boy, I talk about this a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Caller/Guest]

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. His friends even do, like, bets when they are going into, like, their, I don't know, house party or potluck or whatever with new people. They bet on how, like, how soon it'll be until he asks someone about their Myers Briggs personality. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's brutal.

[Caller/Guest]

The one I'm liking this hibada thing with the frog. But one potential problem is if he gets. If he gets intrigued by it and then he's totally asking me everything about that's great. Like astrology or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's great. No, here's why that's great.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what we're gonna do. Here's what we're gonna do. Actually, do you have 20 minutes right now?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you. I sent you a link. Will you watch it and then will you call us back and we're gonna do a role playing where we're gonna be the brother and you're gonna be a hobotan and see how you do?

[Caller/Guest]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, sure.

[Jake Johnson]

So I sent you the link because it makes more sense when you've seen the whole thing. So watch it.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

It's. Look, it's ridiculous. Apple passed on it 10 years ago, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But culture, ridiculous.

[Jake Johnson]

But cults are ridiculous. So watch it if you want to make something up. And then we are going to test this and you are going to become a H expert. And here's the other thing, Lindsay, you're allowed to make things up. Yes. So you are just using what you watch as a baseline, and then you are creating the rest. And so call us back after you've watched it, and we're going to put this test to a theory, and we're going to see how it is. And if it doesn't work, we're going to pitch something else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will also say, to your point that you just made, Lindsay, if he starts sniffing around, wanting to become a Hobbatan, that's a perfect time to say to him, hey, you're susceptible to things that are not going to benefit you. The Hobart and thing I've just been fucking around with for a minute. Just because you bring up the Myers Briggs test so much. Something like that.

[Caller/Guest]

Right. You know, I was hoping to never even bring up this call on this podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a good idea.

[Caller/Guest]

Bite me.

[Jake Johnson]

No. Don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I Would. I wouldn't. Because I think this is a softer way to do that. This. You don't want to throw them in the cold water. So why don't you do what Jake said, Watch your Hobart and Doc and. And call back in and we'll see how you do. Yeah, we'll see what you think, and we'll put you through the ringer and see if it feels like it'll work. I think it's pretty good play.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Look, and if not, then we'll think of something else after that on the fly.

[Caller/Guest]

Cool. Yeah. I really wish I took some theater in high school or something.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't need it.

[Caller/Guest]

I never thought I'd.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not gonna need it. Don't need it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Especially in these sort of situations. The key in these sorts of situations is just smile as little as possible. You'll be able to do it.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. All right, cool. Okay. See you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye, Lindsay.

[Caller/Guest]

Hello. I'm back. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you find anything in that helpful for this situation?

[Caller/Guest]

I think so. Yeah. I really studied up. Although I was watching it on two times speed, so. Yeah, I think. I think there's lots to work with here. I think you guys. I can't believe this is a true story that you guys documented it. It's incredible.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean, a true story that we documented?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, you guys put together a documentary, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it's a fake documentary.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I. I'm with you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're good. Lindsay. We were about to both be like, maybe this isn't for you.

[Jake Johnson]

This isn't gonna work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lindsay, we're gonna need you to. Yeah, great.

[Caller/Guest]

I was dead planning over the phone, but, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So now, Lindsay, Gareth is going to be your brother and you be you, and let's see realistically how this plays out.

[Caller/Guest]

All right,

[Gareth Reynolds]

why don't you start us? Lindsay. Oh, just say something. I'll weigh in as your brother.

[Caller/Guest]

All right. Hey, Rocky, how's the. How's the dating world going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's been pretty difficult, honestly. I keep getting involved with INFGs or INFPs. I mean, I really, at this point just need someone who's checking the warm, considerate, general, responsible, pragmatic stuff. But I don't know, I still struggle with the caretaker side of that. I mean, again, you know, I like look at everything through the Myers Briggs stuff, so. I don't know, it's so hard to tell. How about you?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, it's not too bad. I talked to the wind last week and I learned a couple things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did you say?

[Caller/Guest]

I talked to the wind last week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean? What do you.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, well, I checked in with dragon spirit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking.

[Caller/Guest]

I was doing some online classes. Oh, you know, Hbata.

[Jake Johnson]

Quick pause, quick pause. You're doing a wonderful job. Keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hibata. What is that?

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Oh, yeah. You've heard of Hobarto, right? It was like. It's a martial arts method from the 70s, you know, you've heard about it. They definitely teach it in. In school. Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, and what are you saying? So you are taking the martial art?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. It's like an online thing, though. So you tap into the dragon spirit and then it's kind of like Myers Briggs, I guess. But there's a lot more to do with if you're frog or bamboo or bird, so it's different, but. But the same. Yeah, I think you would. I think you'd really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just going to be honest with you. Right off the bat, it feels like you're kind of in a. Is FP zone. A little like, I've never heard of this before. I just want to make sure you're not like, it sounds kind of strange.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, let me ask you this, Rocky. Why does the bird fly but not swim? Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy. Are you good at this? I honestly think this is gonna work. You were better than I thought possible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way better.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what I would do if I were your brother. What the fuck is she talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The initial instinct is definitely, I don't want to have this conversation anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you want to back off. But whenever he talks about Myers, you talk about Hibata, but you never talk about Hibata. If he doesn't talk about Myers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Totally, yes. Make it Pavlov.

[Jake Johnson]

Whatever he says, anything Myers related, you're Hibata related. As soon as he changes the subject, so do you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is he bringing this up? Every conversation, for the most part. You have with him?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, the toll here's obvious. I mean, to pay the fee on this one, just throw the phone in the pocket the next time you're hanging out with Rocky and give us a little sampling. I understand how you volley back.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you need to heighten this, start wearing a karate gi, because you can get those online for cheap. And you go, what is this? And you go, like, that's just what I like to wear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

With Hobart, a certified.

[Caller/Guest]

You know, I actually think there's a lot of potential here because the next time I see him in person will probably be Christmas. And I think over the next few months I can get my parents in on this too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

What do you think of that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

Not only do I like it, I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it. And I think I know what you need to get him for Christmas is a gi.

[Jake Johnson]

Ok, but everybody, he's a great gi. Actually, Lindsay, you know what else you could do?

[Caller/Guest]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Any one of his friends who's annoyed by this, send him that Vimeo link and get. And feel free. You guys can invent anything you want. Just use that 20 minutes as the base. But start inventing because the more you guys invent as a group, the more he's going to go like, I hate this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Start slow though. Start with you start with the parents. Once he's getting a sense of that, then I would say, much like a cult, slowly bring in the most reliable people.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And bring them in one by one. And that way they too can be like. Oh, it's funny. Like Lindsay sent me that Hbata thing. It's so.

[Jake Johnson]

Dude, it's more interesting than Myers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The insight it gives me into the way that people function. But here, so much better than Myers.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's the catch though, Lindsay. The fun of it is you're going to want to do it all the time, right? But that'll be a waste. It's only Myers related if he's not. If you guys are all excited and you're really excited to wear your GI and he comes in and doesn't bring up Myers, you're not allowed to bring it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also think, I really think it's key that he feel like this is real. So don't overplay it either. Just the way you just did it is perfect. So.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Really fast. I want to give you one more test. I'm going to be the brother. Let's just hear another version of it. And let's say you and I are talking on the phone because we're not going to see each other till Christmas. So we're just chatting.

[Caller/Guest]

Right? Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. So you called me.

[Caller/Guest]

All right. Hey, Rocky. So Christmas is coming up. I wanted to ask you what you were looking for for a birthday or. Sorry, a Christmas gift.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I haven't really thought about it. How about you and. Did mom and dad have a list or anything?

[Caller/Guest]

No, you know, maybe just some like books or I don't know, a couple

[Jake Johnson]

maybe you want to go into mom and dad together and maybe get them something nicer?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, maybe something, you know, like learn something new maybe like. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, we could do. I mean, I know through Myers you could actually figure out the best gift for people based off their personality type. So we could actually combine both of them together and figure out the best gift for a combined. It's not hard to do.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, I love that. I actually will. Will ask Dragon Spirit's opinion on. On gift giving for them and we can. We can like, go in all together. Maybe we can get our other sibling involved too.

[Jake Johnson]

What's Dragon Spirit?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, you know, you can just like ask questions, give you an honest answer. Yeah, it's. I did some time in the Simi Valley recently. Did I tell you that in California? No. Yeah, there's like this cave and we're doing like some martial arts, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Really?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, No, I can. Yeah, yeah, I'll ask teacher Shelley. Don't even worry about it. Don't worry about it.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll figure out. Who's teacher Shelley.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, this guy. He is super smart, actually. I think you'd like him.

[Jake Johnson]

Similar to. You're so. You're so good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Phenomenal.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, you're crazy good. You're crazy good at this.

[Caller/Guest]

Thank you, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

I believed it was real. I got confused too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so good. And I mean, I just. Don't be afraid to say you did a zoom recently with. With Shelley or something like that, but it's.

[Jake Johnson]

That's incredible.

[Caller/Guest]

Awesome. Thank you guys so much. I was trying to work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I cannot wait to see how this plays out.

[Jake Johnson]

Pay the toll, Lindsay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pay the toll. Let's get a little audio.

[Jake Johnson]

And then what were you gonna say? You said, I can't wait. I want to hear what you were gonna say.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh. As this progresses, I can't wait to drop my new name. Benzy.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, oh, right. Because all the names start with a B.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I forgot

[Gareth Reynolds]

to start calling you Benzy. Is that's when you'll never hear about the Myers Briggs test again.

[Jake Johnson]

And then his name is Baki. His name is Baki.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, if you start calling him Baki Bomb Bad. What are you gonna get Bob and Bad for business. Really good. So, yeah, keep us posted.

[Jake Johnson]

Really good stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really good.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Caller/Guest]

Thanks. Yeah, this doesn't be a long haul thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, thanks so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Just keep following up with us. Any update if you do anything via text with them, just keep sending us everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Don't be afraid to keep us very posted.

[Caller/Guest]

Right. Thank you guys for your wisdom and take care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen to the dragon wind.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, let's have Dragon Wind see ya.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

hello.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey.

[Jake Johnson]

How you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm good.

[Caller/Guest]

How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. What's your name?

[Caller/Guest]

Lauren.

[Jake Johnson]

Lauren, where are you calling from?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, I'm from Michigan City, Indiana. Cool.

[Jake Johnson]

And how old are you?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I'm 29.

[Jake Johnson]

And what keeps you busy, Lauren? What's. What are most days of the week look like for you?

[Caller/Guest]

I work most days as a cna.

[Jake Johnson]

What's a cna?

[Caller/Guest]

It's a certified nursing assistant.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty damn cool.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And if there was a book about your life, what would the title be?

[Caller/Guest]

That's a hard one.

[Jake Johnson]

What's your favorite food?

[Caller/Guest]

Italian.

[Jake Johnson]

Italian. What kind of Italian? You get last meal. Let's pretend you committed a heinous crime and you're in jail on death row. They say you got one last meal before you get electrocuted. What are you going to eat?

[Caller/Guest]

Probably spaghetti.

[Jake Johnson]

Just basic spaghetti.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

No sides. You just got to go. You're just going to go. Just spaghetti with marinara sauce?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, whatever you got.

[Jake Johnson]

You can. Yeah, you can ask for, like, any certain kind of sauces. My dog keeps walking in and banging the door open. That's my dog.

[Caller/Guest]

Probably like a vodka sauce is what I like on that.

[Jake Johnson]

No, really quickly. Let's try again. Just because we have a little bit more of a sense from you. What's the name of the book about your life?

[Caller/Guest]

Probably the Unpredictable Life. Something's Always happening.

[Jake Johnson]

Unpredictable life. Okay. Something's always happening. Laura in Michigan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you imagine if you asked Steve Berg last meal on death Row? I mean, you would just.

[Jake Johnson]

Should we just do his own Patreon show, Lauren?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We call it Last Meals.

[Jake Johnson]

There's literally a show on YouTube called Last Meals. I've done it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but this would be different because I will always be the one who's giving them the recipe for the last meal they pick.

[Jake Johnson]

Lauren, what is your. Oh, by the way, did you think he was sexy in that calendar?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. A little bit of honesty. I respect it. Lauren, what's going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He took his shirt Off. And he looked like a guy who thinks he's good with recipes.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Lauren, what is happening?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, every summer we go to Florida with me and my aunt and this summer we decided to take some of my nephews and there's four boys. So it's gonna be me, my aunt, four boys in the car, and then my cousin's wife. So I was just trying to figure out, the closer it gets, the more I think, like how many times they're gonna want to stop to use the bathroom and get out. Oh yeah, because like I, I can hold it all day. I don't have to go to the bathroom. Crazy. But with them, I don't know. And how to keep them busy in the car and are not saying, are we there yet? Constantly. I don't know what to do about that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. So your question feels like you have no confidence in your problem.

[Caller/Guest]

No. And the closer it gets, I just get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're nervous about your drive from Indiana to Florida with a bunch of children and your aunt and your cousin's wife and you don't know, you want to know what to do or how to stop them from going to the bathroom or. Both.

[Caller/Guest]

Both. I mean, we're going to stop a few times, but not like, of course

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got a pitch right off the time. You can be, you can bang it out. I don't want to jump in too early here, but this seems fairly straightforward. I would create a competition with incentives and prizes for who makes us stop the least. And you basically do it like you have like a bit of poster board where you have everyone's name and the amount of stops and the tier of prize.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you, you create, you make a game of it. So the kids don't want to stop to piss and the adults. But that's what it is. At the end of the trip, you're going to have an award ceremony where the person who was the least speed bump is going to get the biggest prize. And you buy those before you go or you buy them when you get to Florida. And then night two in Florida you have the, the P awards.

[Jake Johnson]

That's interesting.

[Caller/Guest]

That would actually probably work for them.

[Jake Johnson]

How old are these kids?

[Caller/Guest]

There's two 10 year olds and then a 16 and a 15 year old.

[Jake Johnson]

16 and 15 year olds should be fine. 10 year olds are going to be an issue. The no P awards is interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I like that idea.

[Jake Johnson]

And then the question is, is what can you give them in Florida or you got to do in Florida and then you Got to do back in Indiana. But what is the prize? What is something these kids would really want that you wouldn't mind giving up?

[Caller/Guest]

Probably money, to be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, this could be. This could be pretty clean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honest to God. If you. If. If I was on a road trip, 10 or teen. And I knew there was 50 bucks at the end of the rainbow.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And all I've got to do is be the one who asks for a stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, why don't we do this, too? What we could do is, okay, it's every three hours.

[Jake Johnson]

Every three hours there's a stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, every three hours that's coming and then on that. But this is the other factor of it which drives me crazy when I'm on the road. Time of delay at the stop. So how long are you spending in the place? Because there are people who will go into a Buc EE's and they'll want to spend 10 minutes fucking shopping for stuff that nobody needs. Not to let my real life bleed into this too much, but.

[Jake Johnson]

So you could have two factors you're talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's 100%, Luke. This is. There's two factors. Amount of stops and length of stay. And you can kind of come up with some sort of equation that gives you what you like. You know, who takes the longest, that person gets a negative mark, and then who stops.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's the problem with that. And, Lauren, are you liking this? Because if so, we could get into the rules of this pretty easily.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah, I am like.

[Jake Johnson]

And then will you make the chart? Because you got to be. You have to be the one who has the chart, explains the chart to them, and then actually marks everything down.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, I would definitely. I'm definitely keeping track of that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so then one thing that I would say is, here's the problem with four kids in the bathroom plus the. The aunt, plus her. It's, well, what if they're all gonna race and fight to be first in the bathroom? So, yeah. And that becomes hard because then you're like, well, I just happen to be the sixth one in, but now I'm last place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I'm willing to take length of. Stay out of it. There would be a way to work it if you liked it, but I think let's just say we can make it a stop calculator.

[Jake Johnson]

And that is every. And what. How many stops do you want to. Do you want to. Lauren, do you like a stop every three hours, or do you want four hours? What do you want?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I know we're gonna stop at three places along the way, but then just for gas. Unless I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think a stop every two hours. Two baked in kind of. Yeah, maybe. Maybe three. Might be three.

[Jake Johnson]

You tell us, Laura.

[Caller/Guest]

Three hours would probably be good.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so here's what. Here's what I say. And then gas does not count. When you got to get gas, you got to get gas in those three hours. That's when you're also getting meals. So let's say you leave at 9am in the morning. Well, food is lunch. At noon. Then you've got a 3pm Stop. You can get a snack. 6pm Is dinner. So your stops are also your meals. But I would say if somebody needs to stop in between the three, you create a buzzer, and they need to hit the buzzer. If they hit the buzzer, everybody is allowed to pee during that break.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's whoever hits the buzzer gets a negative point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The buzz of shame. Yep. Great.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And so you don't want to. And guess what? If you want to try to piss in a bucket, great. If there's spillage outside of the bottle. Negative point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, now we're getting into a strange territory we can hopefully avoid, which is the car becomes the toilet. I think we're, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Lauren, do you hate if one of the boys in the deep backseat pisses in a Gatorade bottle?

[Caller/Guest]

No. That was one of the ideas, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Neither do I. Giddy up.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So I would say, no wonder you go to Florida. Now, if you miss negative two points.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you writing this down, Lauren?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can feel that you are, and I love that for you.

[Caller/Guest]

I AM so.

[Jake Johnson]

Negative two, if you miss. If you're gonna say roughly 10 minutes per stop. If everybody's waiting for somebody, that person has a minute clock. If they don't make it to the car in that minute time, they need a very good reason why. And the good reason could be everybody else went before and there was a line and they just couldn't do it. If it's because they were looking at bubblegum. Negative point.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Or you could say 12 minutes. I don't care how you do it. 10 minutes. 10 minutes back in the car. If you're not back in the car. Negative point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay. Yeah, that one.

[Jake Johnson]

Because this is only. This is only for, you know, lunch and dinner. You're going to have more time.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So you got to plan your dumps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And. And by the way, if, like, 10 minutes, I think is plenty. If someone is not back in. In that time frame, that's on them. Because if it's a problem with the. The place you're stopping, everyone's going to have the same problem.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bucky's gets real busy. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you thinking about this so far? And it's just. And then what are you gonna pay for Florida? And then what are you gonna pay for the winner coming back?

[Caller/Guest]

I like it so far. I think they'll be fine with it. And they'll, you know, like, the idea of it as long, you know, as long as there's a reward. I was thinking like 50 to 100 bucks or they're really into, like the game system. So tell me now, if you win, you get a game. You know, I'll buy it for you or something.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you win, you get a game is massive, Right?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. And you buy all into that stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I would say winner gets a game each time. And if you don't win, no crying about it. You lost.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. That's what we.

[Jake Johnson]

How do we handle ties?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you could do. If you get to Florida with a tie, you could say it's going to be determined on the drive back. So those two. It could be if you wanted. You could do it as a total drive to Florida. The A side drive home, the B side at the end in Indiana. That's where we're presenting who won. You are driving Olympics.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a. You either get a game or a hundred dollars. But you. It's in total of both. And if there is a tie, which you do not talk about, you put it in fine print and you put a little asterisk. A tie. The hundred dollars is divided evenly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So if it's three and they're like, I never went $33.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Guess what? Trips over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And honestly, at the end of all of it, if it is three. Three, three, you know, 33. 33. Throw an extra 10 on. You didn't have to stop a lot. You're. It's got out of there.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody gets 43.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody gets 43. It's a surprise at the ceremony. Ceremony.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. They would like that.

[Jake Johnson]

43 is a weird number. I'd say 50. Yeah, great. 50. Because then you go, so what do you think? What do you think here? I think this is a win, but I do too. What do you think?

[Caller/Guest]

I think it would. I like it. I think it will work. I have one nephew that's like real sensitive and with the whole, you know, you didn't win. I think he would start to cry. But it's like, well, losers gotta look. But.

[Jake Johnson]

But we live in a world where if you lose, you lose.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I think crying because you lost is okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Yeah. I think this hug.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah. But. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so now are you gonna actually make the P chart? Are you gonna actually pay the toll and send us photos of it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think we want to see a poster board with the, you know, categories breakdown. I wouldn't hate the idea of putting a picture at the beginning of each contestant so that it feels official.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you gotta just. Yeah, just keep. Keep an eye on it. But I think we'd like to see that. You know, we'd like to probably see some highlights of the road trip. Nothing crazy, but also maybe a little video of the ceremony and how it played out. But this is something that can keep helping you on future road trips to Florida.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah, definitely.

[Jake Johnson]

And then last, before we go, Lauren, if you had a book written about you, what would it be called?

[Caller/Guest]

The Unpredictable Life.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take care, Lauren.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if you had a last meal and it couldn't be spaghetti with marinara sauce, what would the meal be? Oh,

[Caller/Guest]

probably like Chinese food.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's better.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You're gonna let the warden pick?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, no.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. What's the difference?

[Caller/Guest]

Probably like general toast. Chicken or cow's chicken.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, general toe. A different general.

[Jake Johnson]

Lauren, thank you for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Lauren.

[Caller/Guest]

All right, thank you. You guys have a good day.

[Jake Johnson]

You too, now.

[Caller/Guest]

All right, thank you. Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sweet. Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 254, Risky Business. Hello?

[Caller/Guest]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello there. Follow up. What was your first call? Who are you? What did we say to do? And what the hell's the update?

[Caller/Guest]

So this is Reagan. I called in because my wife was cleaning the. For the floor often to where I was slipping and falling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, please.

[Jake Johnson]

I remember this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We. Okay, yes. So I remember what we pitched, but.

[Caller/Guest]

Awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't remember what we pitched.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we. We went big. Okay, Reagan, go ahead. So the first call was your wife was kind of obsessively mopping or swiffering, and the floors were slippery.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I'm sure we did fake fall.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're damn right we did. But we went very specific.

[Jake Johnson]

If memory and takeover, please.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes. So you guys suggested that I basically fake a concussion. Not that intense, but maybe. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Fake an injury to where it'll. Oh, you know, it. Broken plate. On my way to eat my lunch at the couch. Yep. And set up the conversation, you know, let her know That I fell. And when she came home from work to have the conversation, so I. I did just that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

I texted her. I texted her like a. Hey, babe, you'll never guess. I just. I did send in a picture of the text. Like, I fell. And she, you know, texted back, oh, my gosh, are you okay? I was like, yeah, just, you know, kind of hurting a bit. So then by the time she came home from work, I had the little. Little ice pack out. Little drama. Just, you know, I was laying on the couch and we had the conversation. She asked me what happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're seeing the text right now, Reagan. Okay, so you say. Also, I just completely slipped and fell on our floors. Cry, laughing, emoji. Interesting. She says, okay, thanks. And are you okay? What spot was it? I will try and put spray solution on it to rough it up and fix the slick spots. You said by the couch. I dropped my glass and it broke. Lol. Kind of hurt, but I'm okay. Very good. Not too much, right? Okay, keep going. Oh, and then you. Yeah, there's a picture you texted of the couch. And is that. What is that that you're highlighting?

[Jake Johnson]

What are we looking at here?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, it was just the ice pack. I just wanted to let you guys know. Yeah, so I was. When she got home, I was laying on the couch, but the ice pack was out. Just. Yeah, so just to set the scene.

[Jake Johnson]

Right? Keep going. What's happened?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. So then. So she asked me. She's like, I kind of had to bring it up again. We were just talking about our days. I was like, yeah, and I fell earlier. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. How's your head? I was like, it's all right now, but I mean, our floors are just so slippery. Like, I don't know what product you're using, but I think. I'm not trying to be rude, but I think you need to switch it up, because I'm slipping all the time, and it's just annoying. And she understood. And it went well? It went great.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. What did she say?

[Caller/Guest]

She was like, well, she felt bad, but she just told me that she was going to try a different, like, cleaning product, and it hasn't been as bad, but I did. So that happened a couple weeks ago, about last week. I did send in another video today because she did end up buying these, like, mop slippers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Christ. Yeah, we're seeing them now.

[Jake Johnson]

Are these for you or yours? What are we looking at here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are.

[Jake Johnson]

Are these your legs?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I just wanted to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are her Mop slippers. And you're showing us. I mean, these are.

[Jake Johnson]

This is crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is crazy now. Okay, this, we're a little all over the place. So the initial lie worked, but the floors are still slippery. Not as slippery. And in addition to that, your wife is now wearing mop slippers.

[Caller/Guest]

Yes. Yeah. So. So problem solved. But then, I mean, she's still buying things to clean the floors a lot,

[Jake Johnson]

so she's got a weird thing with floors. But they're not as slippery.

[Caller/Guest]

No, they're not as slippery.

[Jake Johnson]

And the drama then, hey, we gotta take a win when we could get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's Belle.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a win. It's a win. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

What the show can't do. Yeah. I solve everybody's weirdness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well. And again, this is.

[Jake Johnson]

It's impossible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a compromise. She. The first thing I'm going to compliment you on, Reagan, is, and this is out of context, not great, is you lied. It's not a huge lie. And you hung in there. You've kept the lie and it's made the thing better. So you're in a better zone. Do you feel like you're good on the floor slip? The only thing I would say is maybe you get some of those socks with like the little material on the bottom that's less slippery. But it feels like the wife come much closer to your zone.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not pitching on the slippers. That's not what's happening in a follow up. This is what's happening in the follow up, guys. The lie worked. The floors are less slippery. Thank you for the call. You say you're welcome then if you get a call with the slippers, that's a whole nother call. But it's not a follow up. That's a call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's right.

[Caller/Guest]

You are right. No, no. The floors are less.

[Jake Johnson]

Hundreds of these calls. So there's a method to this madness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did already ring the bell, so I think that I. I think legally a post bell is definitely wrong. Maybe I got it in pre. Who knows? But you're absolutely right, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

We know the structure of the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The audience is going, you got a lady driving to work right now going, the bell's been rung. We're not talking about slippers. And the episode. And the episode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't care for this woman's attitude while driving, but I think you are right.

[Jake Johnson]

But she's. She's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's. She's right. But her attitude is a little. All over the place. But. Well, Reagan, that's it. We've got to let you go.

[Caller/Guest]

That's it. I mean, bas. It's the success. Ring the bell. Thank you, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I rang the bell, but we're talking

[Jake Johnson]

about this like it's a problem, guys. And we have to create another problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

But sometimes the show. Gareth is allowed to go. Here's the follow up. Successful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. And again, Reagan, paid up. Tabs paid. We've got.

[Jake Johnson]

Explain the pay up thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so pay up. This is. This is how we're. You want our advice?

[Jake Johnson]

You got it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You call the show. We're going to pitch endlessly.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, for God's sake, bring random celebrities with us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've been on calls that are an hour where I think both of us, if there was a cigarette in the room, would light it. Okay? So we give the time, the effort, the thought. We don't ask for anything other than tail. Now we. We have sometimes asks. Film something, record something, a little bit of follow. Send us screenshots, take pictures of this person doing that. That's the favor trade. You got to pay up.

[Jake Johnson]

But the new term. And you're going to start hearing it on this show. A lot is a certain point. We're going to say, pay up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're going to solve it.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's your bill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then we're going to drop the tab.

[Jake Johnson]

We need videos, we need photos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we want you to. We want you to put your phone in your pocket and film it as best you can. Pay up. O. Everyone loves a free ride. Guess what?

[Jake Johnson]

Pay up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pay up.

[Jake Johnson]

Pay up is the first time I'm gonna buy merch. I'm buying a payout.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You pay it up. All right, so pay up, Reagan.

[Jake Johnson]

You paid up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way to hang in there.

[Jake Johnson]

We're even.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're even.

[Caller/Guest]

No problem. Happy to pay up.

[Jake Johnson]

Two things I want to start implementing on follow ups.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Bell ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And are we even?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And you know, we might do. Natalie, let's start following up with people who haven't followed up with us. Like they. They put it in people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not going to get them on the line.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's see if we could call them. Because they didn't pay up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They did not pay.

[Jake Johnson]

They owe us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They. They dined and ditched.

[Jake Johnson]

They just.

[Caller/Guest]

You want us to surprise call people that we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Don't hate that at all.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, we're called. They go, oh, hi. You need to pay up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, you owe us. You actually owe us. Showing your dad a Video that our buddy Kyle edited of a bunch of weird nature sex that you never showed to your dad.

[Caller/Guest]

So I will say sometimes we get follow ups and they're just bad and. Or boring and so sometimes we don't include them.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, really?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, sometimes I make better than I'm on the line. Yeah. Because I would bring. If I brought them on, then you would be like, okay, yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, you're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could be good for the duds to go on Patreon for a couple, see if that's anything the. Yeah, the. The non explosive conclusion.

[Caller/Guest]

But I do need to figure out, I mean, I guess call to the audience. How do you guys want these follow ups that are too boring to spend 10 to 15 minutes on with Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

That's actually interesting.

[Caller/Guest]

Do you guys want them just like social media updates? We'll just screenshot whatever they said and put it out or website? Website, there's options, but they're just. They're not worthy of calling back in sometimes and I'm sorry, comment on wherever

[Jake Johnson]

you watch, tell us what you think. But that is really interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

I like what you're saying there, Natalie, but for you caller, you paid up, so this has nothing to do with you. Yeah, we just got obsessed with.

[Caller/Guest]

Thank you, Natalie. You're great. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Reagan.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, everybody, we just want to remind you, if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu, so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a Hitgum podcast. Hey, everyone.

[Caller/Guest]

This is Whitney and Alexa, AKA the popcorn Queen and King. Hey, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family. As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey. And that journey has really inspired us

[Caller/Guest]

to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday

[Caller/Guest]

expenses during recovery so they could focus

[Gareth Reynolds]

on on what's most important.

[Caller/Guest]

Healing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load. If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate at a R a n a krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being such an incredible community. And thank you for always being there to help.

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome to a magical place where dice are rolled and stories are told.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome to the Fantastic Castle.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm Claudia Caldwell. You might know me from NADpod, but now I am teaming up with my friends Kiana, Raj, and Bree. Hi, everybody. Hello, everyone. For an all new take on Dungeons

[Jake Johnson]

and Dragons cooperative storytelling shows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this one is for the whole family. Fantastic Castle has all the excitement of D and D without the cussing and

[Jake Johnson]

filthy jokes that make most other D

[Gareth Reynolds]

and D shows guilty as charged. Awkward for kids and parents to listen to together.

[Jake Johnson]

New episodes drop every Friday, so subscribe to us on [e-mail] fantasticcastle or check

[Gareth Reynolds]

us out wherever you get your podcasts.

[Jake Johnson]

So come join the adventure because everyone is welcome in the Fantastic Castle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See you there. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[Caller/Guest]

This is us. That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we gonna cry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen to.

[Jake Johnson]

That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.

[Gareth Reynolds]

New episodes every Tuesday.