307: Mandatory Suspenders & Second Deck (with Damon Wayans Jr.)

Summary

We're Here to Help
Episode 307: Mandatory Suspenders & Second Deck (with Damon Wayans Jr.)
Release Date: July 15, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Special Guest: Damon Wayans Jr.

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds are joined by comedian and actor Damon Wayans Jr. Together, they field hilarious and heartfelt advice calls, riff on personal projects, and enjoy a blend of sincere conversation, ridiculous bits, and surreal workplace problem-solving. This week, they tackle a family funeral home's fashion emergency and one DC transplant’s struggle with city rudeness, all while delivering classic banter and memorable moments.

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Main Segments & Discussion Points

1. Damon Wayans Jr. Joins the Show & Comedy Banter

[00:35–05:32]

• Jake and Gareth welcome Damon Wayans Jr., discussing his current stand-up tour, the importance of relatable comedy, and his process developing a new special.
  • Damon on authenticity in comedy:
    “I've noticed that relatability trumps fun. ... I'll do bits and they'll come up to me after the show and be like, oh, that bit about your wife or the bit about your kid. ... I thought these other bits were way funnier.” (01:31)
• The trio swap stories about food obsessions, family quirks, and differences in daily routines.
• Damon and Jake discuss their upcoming pilot for a reimagined "Cable Guy" series.
  • Jake on development:
    "We've been trying to work together since Let's Be Cops... We've sold them. Did they get to the one yard line, and something will happen." (05:46)
  • The process included resistance to remaking the film, recruiting showrunner Rob Roselle, and finally landing a pitch Hulu loved.

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2. Caller #1: Laura – “Mandatory Suspenders in the Haunted Funeral Home”

[13:54–37:46]

Problem Introduced

[15:40]

• Laura, 42, works in her husband’s longtime family funeral home with her eccentric father-in-law ("Phil"), who has lost weight. Phil’s pants often fall down, sometimes exposing his “red panties.” Staff worry this could disastrously happen in front of grieving families.

Key Interview Excerpts & Comic High Points

• On Phil's wardrobe malfunctions:
  "His pants are basically just in a constant free fall...everyone on the staff has seen him in his underwear, like, all the way down...we're talking like knees and lower." – Laura (16:27)

• On failed attempts to fix the issue:
  "He has a suit that fits, but he won’t wear it...He has the same belt he's always worn, and he puts scotch tape on it." (17:57, 20:04)

• Investigation into Phil’s numerous quirks:

  • Growing grapes from store-bought stems
  • Power-napping in the chapel, "dry cleaning phase," and collecting novelty toys from McDonald’s.

• Quip about the red underwear:
  "Never would I have guessed red. I was thinking light blue." – Jake (18:42)

• Comedy tangent: Are Phil’s pants haunted?

  • “There's a ghost cracking up. I got Phil again. He's wearing the red panties.” (21:39)

Advice & Solution Pitched

• Main idea: Gift Phil “haunted,” vintage suspenders to make it a fun new phase, possibly as a group uniform to avoid singling him out.
  "What if, Laura, you pretend you got some deal where you got, like, eight pair of free suspenders and you gifted him. You say, I got these at this dry, and you make it a weird phase so he feels connected to it..." – Jake (25:04)

• Introduce the idea as a lighthearted, lucky tradition or create a new uniform rule ("mandatory suspenders!") after staging a pant-dropping incident with another staff member.

Laura’s Plan of Action

• Slowly bring up pant mishaps with coworkers, stage a fall, and suggest new policies.
  • “I think I am going to start subtly dropping hints...what if everyone just has to start wearing suspenders no matter what?” (33:55)

Notable Quotes

• “I love this man.” – Gareth, about Phil (25:04)
• “He went through a phase where he was going to start doing power naps. So he would like, tell us to set a timer and he'd lay in the chapel on the pew...” – Laura (24:02)
• "You're a top caller. I love Phil." – Gareth (36:48)

Memorable Moment

• Jake plans to include Phil-inspired quirks in the “Cable Guy” series:
  “For the show we're doing Cable Guy, my character does some weird stuff and Damon's character starts noticing. I'm gonna pitch to Roselle that I have initials on my shirt...I get my clothes from dead people.” (37:14)

---

3. Caller #2: Jenna – “How to Survive City Rudeness: The Ten-Day Suck-a-Dick Program”

[41:22–64:44]

Problem Introduced

[42:45]

• Jenna, 27, a former LA and Jackson, Mississippi resident, now works in DC. Despite years of southern hospitality “rewiring [her] brain,” she finds DC’s brusqueness overwhelming—epitomized by a woman threatening to push her “into the bike lane, bitch.”

Key Interview Excerpts & Comic High Points

• “If somebody does something wrong in Jackson, I’ll apologize to them... But, everything you do is an inconvenience in D.C. and people are going to let you know that. And my brain just can't figure out how to deal with that.” – Jenna (45:19)
• The advice becomes a tongue-in-cheek city attitude bootcamp:
  • Jake: "We gotta teach Jenna jail culture... You can't behave like it's not jail. Right?" (45:27)
  • Replace positive thoughts on the street with “I hope they eat a dick.” (49:11)

The “Eat-a-Dick” Mindset Program

• Phase 1: Three days of thinking mean/internal comeback thoughts (“eat a dick,” etc.) at everyone you see.
• Phase 2: After three days, ease back, only thinking those things toward rude people.
• Phase 3: Over three more days, actually mutter insults (“suck a dick”) under your breath at select targets; document reactions.
  • “Each day you need to tell two people on the street to eat a dick... for three days.” (56:59)

Training Exercises

• Hosts run Jenna through scenarios, coaching her to escalate internal snark and defensive bravado.
  • Practicing comebacks:
    • “I hope his air conditioning breaks.” (50:56)
    • “I hope she loses her job, gets a ticket, and then sucks a real bad dick.” (60:46)

Host Banter and Quotes

• “If you don't do this, it'll just pile up, and then you wind up murdering someone.” – Damon (60:04)
• On covering up your muttered insults:
  • “If you go, suck a dick, and they go, what?... point to your ear and go, I'm on the phone.” – Jake (62:44)
• Name for the program:
  • “Be an Asshole in 10 Days or Less.” – Jenna’s suggestion (63:11)

Jenna’s Commitment

• Jenna pledges to follow the ten-day program, send in audio documentation, and report back.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On funeral home uniforms:
  "I actually really like that we've suggested suspenders before, and he wouldn't do them, so that might be something to push him." – Laura (25:56)
• On coping with eccentric relatives:
  “He's a very weird guy.” – Gareth (36:55)
• On city self-defense:
  “They hate you for no reason.” – Damon (56:00)
• Legendary urban nihilism:
  “I'm spiraling... Did you ever see the movie Throw Mama from the Train?” – Jake (48:13)
• Program branding humor:
  “10 and under? My Ten Days or Less? That feels different to me.” – Gareth (63:25)

---

Timestamps by Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------| | 00:35 | Welcome, Damon Wayans Jr., stand-up & personal talk| | 05:32 | “Cable Guy” pilot backstory, creative process | | 13:54 | Laura introduces the haunted pants funeral home problem | | 15:40 | The fashion emergency and Phil’s eccentricities | | 25:04 | Suspenders solution brainstorms | | 33:55 | Laura’s action plan summary | | 41:22 | Jenna’s call: Surviving DC rudeness | | 49:11 | Beginning of the “Eat a Dick” mindset challenge | | 56:58 | Daily muttered insults – phase three | | 63:02 | Naming Jenna’s self-defense program | | 64:44 | Wrap up with Jenna |

---

Episode Tone, Language, & Style

• The show keeps its signature mix of genuine warmth, absurdity, and unfiltered, sometimes crude, humor.
• Advice, though frequently facetious, is rooted in empathy and camaraderie for callers struggling with unique social problems.
• Jake and Gareth, with Damon, riff constantly, recreating the supportive, unqualified advice-giving spirit that defines the podcast.

---

For New Listeners

This episode offers peak “We’re Here to Help” energy: comic madness mixed with oddly sincere problem-solving, inventive prank solutions, and a non-judgmental space for oddballs and the awkwardly afflicted. If you ever wanted advice from comedians who understand life is mostly ridiculous, start here.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

And we are back.

[C]

Here we are.

[B]

We've got the Great Damon Waynes Jr. Join in the podcast. We just did three calls.

[C]

We did. I love them.

[B]

It's fun, right?

[C]

I thought the, the callers were great. They had unique problems.

[B]

Agreed. They were all funny today callers.

[C]

Yeah, they were engaged.

[B]

Okay. Agreed.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[B]

What's going on with the stand up you're doing?

[C]

I'm just doing set. You know, I'm going around, I'm, I'm building towards my special. Cool. So I, I've just been like tinkering with my hour and putting a lot more personal. I have a lot of like funny jokes but I want to put more personal stuff so when people leave they go, I know, I know so much more about this man.

[B]

Oh, that's cool.

[C]

Yeah, because I've realized that like really good specials, the ones that have like, like revisit quality.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's like they're personal.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool.

[C]

I've noticed that relatability trumps fun. That's interesting, you know, because I'll do, I'll do bits and they'll come up to me after the show and be like, oh, that bit about your wife or the bit about your kid. Yeah, I'm just like, oh, I thought these other bits were way funnier. They're like, but doesn't.

[B]

But they liked that more. Yeah, that's cool. And when do you know when you're gonna do your special?

[C]

I don't, but I wanna, I wanna be ready by, before we shoot our pilot.

[B]

Oh, that soon?

[C]

No, I, I want it to be ready. So after we start our pilot then we, I, I would probably hop into it like August to September. Yeah.

[B]

So let's discuss the pilot, Damon.

[C]

Let's discuss it, dude. Let's like clarify things, you know what I mean?

[B]

You know, we just became those guys with the broccoli haircuts who talk about food. You ever seen them on Instagram? They're 12 year old, 13 year old boys. No, they're sitting around a podcast.

[C]

Why do they pop up on your. Your feet? 12, 13 year old boys.

[B]

Is you talking about food?

[C]

No, no, no. Yeah. Why are they? I mean the food part I get,

[B]

but their whole thing is it's you're going to die. I'll send you a clip.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

They're talking. You know the dumb, the idiocracy of podcast is we all talk like it's really serious, but it's not us. Have really anything to say.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

And we're creating so much time that you just bullshit around. They're doing this all sincerely, but they'll be like. They'll be like, michael, tell me your thoughts on the new chicken sandwich we had. And they'll go like, I thought the bread was delicious, but for me, I don't love the mayonnaise. And the other will go, see, I thought the mayonnaise mixed with the mustard was very good. And the guy will go, that's dope. I don't love the condiments. It's no joke. It's very serious. They talk food for like an hour.

[A]

Hours.

[C]

I've never been a food guy. Like, I've never been like, really? Yeah. I mean, I eat to live, but I don't like, like, I don't like. My wife will wake up with like an idea for dinner already. It was like, it's 6:30 in the morning. Relax. I'm gonna make roast. Chill out.

[B]

There are two different types of people. Because I am in the. Your wife's camp.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I will wake up at 4am and take a piss and I'll go like, ah, chicken taco kind of day. Not now. I'm thinking at some point that'd be like crazy. And then I'll go back to bed and be like, oh, yeah.

[C]

And then she also times like the day with like lunch and for sure. You know what I mean? Like, I'll just be like, it's 12 o'.

[D]

Clock.

[C]

She's like, it's lunch. Yeah, but why do you have to say until lunch? You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, I mean, I'm. She's like, I know what you mean. I am with her.

[C]

Oh, it bothers me.

[B]

It does.

[C]

Just say what time it is. She's like, you know, around lunch. Like, you mean like 12:30? She's like, yeah, a little after lunch.

[B]

That is so funny. We should meet up around dinner.

[C]

Yeah, like six.

[B]

Yeah, dinner. It'd be really funny to do that with snacks. Yo, you want to meet it kind of like snacks.

[C]

2.

[B]

No, no, no. I was thinking more like later snacks. Oh, later.

[C]

Z8.

[B]

I was thinking earlier than that. I was thinking like 5:15. Oh, you want to do not morning cereal meetup time. The fuck, man? 10:00pm. So we're doing Cable Guy. What? You want to talk about how we got involved in Cable Guy? Yeah, what the whole thing was. You want to just start your 2 cents of it?

[C]

So my 2 cents were they had come to us to write.

[B]

Was it the writers of Joe Lewin and Sony. Yes. Oh, by the way, Damon and I, we've been trying to work together since let's Be Cops. It's written so many scripts.

[C]

Written scripts. They've gotten close.

[B]

We've sold them.

[C]

Yeah, we've sold them.

[B]

Did they get to the one yard line and something will happen.

[C]

Yeah. So.

[B]

So just recently we kind of said like, oh, I know what happened. We were at the chateau thing with Max.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Tess had written a book.

[C]

Tess had written a book. I was doing a show with my dad at the time.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And then Jake was like, hey, man, if that goes away, you know, we should do something together. I was like, of course.

[B]

Because it was you, me, Lamorne and Max. We were doing so many bits and we don't get together as four a lot.

[C]

Yes. So we agreed. We were like, hey, yeah, if my show is called Papa's House Goes Away, then let's work together. And I was like, yes. And then like three days later, I was like, hey, man, the show went away. So we were, you know, instantly, you know, our teams were trying to find something for us. And then they brought us the cable

[B]

guy idea with just the writers.

[C]

With just the writers.

[B]

And Damon and I at first were kind of a nut.

[C]

Know. Yeah.

[E]

Only.

[C]

Only because the angle was too close to the movie. Too close to the movie. We were like, I don't think people want to see.

[B]

Yeah. And also I love the movie. I respect it. Didn't want to just do a remake of it. Didn't care about that. IP like that. It's like, it's also.

[C]

Yeah, it's also. There's like a one. There's one. Jim Carrey agreed. You know, so it's like, why would

[B]

we do this one? Matthew Broderick.

[C]

Definitely one. Matthew. Shout out to Matthew.

[B]

Shout out to Matthew. Always doing solid stuff. Yes.

[C]

And so, yeah, so we kind of all put our heads together, got Rob Roselle. Rob fricking Clutch.

[B]

Rob Roselle from New Girl. One of our best writers. Yeah, he was great in a staff of great writers. Rob came on to be a co showrunner with the writers and help put his time out. Then we all developed it for like

[C]

six months and we got it to a place that we really liked it. Those writers were great, man. Great at adjusting and how fast they are. And then whipped up a pitch. Like one of the best pitches I

[B]

think I've ever feel the same way.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then a couple places wanted it.

[C]

Hulu, definitely one put up the most.

[B]

And then. But they didn't. We Weren't held to anything.

[E]

No.

[B]

So we were like, just really cool.

[C]

And then.

[B]

But I also thought, like, oh, if they buy it. I didn't realize we. I thought we should be held to it. I was like, oh, where's. Like, they were like, oh, so the writers are getting picked up, and they're gonna. They're under contract. Right. And I was like. And Damon, I was like, what about DNA?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. And then we just got to kind of, like, do whatever you want. Yeah. Which was great. And it wound up, like, happening so fast. So much faster than I thought.

[B]

I felt the same way, which was great. But I also thought it wasn't gonna go because they took a. All of a sudden, it was going on and on, and we heard everyone loved it, but no one was sure. And I was like, this is going to be one of those things in eight months we hear. We love it so much, we're not doing it. And I thought it was going to be another. Like, Damon and I got close again,

[C]

and though that's interesting, I. I always felt like it was going to happen. I just felt like I didn't know it was gonna happen this fast.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And the fact that they all are still very excited, that everybody's excited about it, I just feel like everything's lining up in such a miraculous way.

[B]

Same.

[C]

And I think we're gonna have a lot of fun.

[B]

Very excited. And I'm hearing you and I are gonna be able to stay in the same place, which is nice.

[C]

Same, like, hotel.

[B]

We can even do the same space.

[C]

Like, hotel room.

[B]

We can.

[C]

I mean, physically, we have. We're. We're able to. But I think that would be right.

[B]

But I just remember, let's be cosmic.

[C]

Hang out. And you want your wife to come down and hang out.

[B]

This is a short shoot.

[C]

It's not that short.

[B]

It's like, less than two weeks.

[C]

Two weeks out. Like 10 days.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You need your mommy to come check on you in 10 days because you're with the big bad wolf. Me. Little sheep. I'm scared to be in a hotel room with me because I'm not scared to be with you.

[C]

I don't think you need to do that.

[B]

I mean, it is such an interesting word.

[C]

No, what I'm saying is, like, I feel like there's a budget. If we didn't have, like, the budget to do it. Understandable. But I feel like they're.

[B]

Yeah. Sorry. I want to save Sony a little bit of money.

[C]

Let's save Sony a little bit of money. Right.

[B]

Sleep in the same room. Two weeks sleepover. Are you kidding me? Dude? Dude, we got to sleep in the same room. And Tony's going like they shouldn't. This is.

[C]

Yeah, this is. We'll. We'll pay for that to not happen.

[B]

All right, well, I'm really excited to do the pilot, man. It's gonna be great.

[C]

I am too. I hope it, I hope it goes beyond the pilot. That would be great. You know, even pilot would be fine too.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

But we'll see.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, everybody. Enjoy the show.

[C]

Enjoy the show.

[E]

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[E]

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[B]

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[E]

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[A]

Hello.

[B]

How are you?

[C]

Hey, how you doing?

[A]

I'm doing well. I hope you guys are.

[B]

I think we're doing great.

[C]

Fantastic.

[B]

Can we get your name, please?

[A]

Sure. It's Laura.

[B]

Laura. Where are you calling from, Laura?

[A]

I was gonna come up with a fake location, but it felt a little silly. So can I just say a mystery location?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And is your name spelled fun or is it just the regular old Laura?

[A]

It's just L, A, U, R, A.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And then how old are you? Can you tell us that?

[A]

Yeah, I'm still really young. I'm 42.

[B]

42.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah, just a baby. Laura.

[E]

42.

[B]

You're not telling us where you're from. Can you tell us kind of what you do for work? Just trying to get a little bit of a sense.

[A]

Okay, my issue has to do with work.

[B]

You know what maybe we'll do is we'll just jump into it, Laura. But before we do, you're here with a very special guest. Somebody near and dear to my heart. Go on, say that.

[C]

Oh, me, me.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I said near and dear to my heart. Is there anything you would like to say?

[C]

This is my prince, my love, my king.

[B]

You are here with the Great Damon Waynes Jr. Hello, young lady.

[A]

Wow. Oh my God.

[B]

Damon and I are about to shoot Cable Guy together. Did you ever see that movie Cable Guy?

[A]

I did.

[B]

We are doing a remake of it or a rethink. It's nothing like the movie. But it's a rethink and we're about to go Shoot a pilot. So we're getting a little FaceTime together. So this is a special one for us and hopefully for you.

[A]

I'm very excited about this.

[B]

Laura, take over. What's your issue?

[A]

All right, so I've been married about 15 years. My husband's family owns a funeral home. It's like a generational funeral home. It's been around forever.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

And I current. Yes. I currently work there with my father in law.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And we have a large staff, but he and I are the only family members that currently work there.

[E]

Huh.

[B]

Are the only ones from the family.

[A]

We are interested.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. So recently he has been losing a lot of weight, and now it's gotten to the point where his pants are basically just in a constant free fall.

[C]

The father in law, and they're just.

[B]

Yeah, no bueno.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And they fall down daily. And everyone on the staff has seen

[B]

him in his underwear, like, all the way down.

[A]

Oh, we're talking like knees and lower.

[B]

Oh, no. So he's just walking through a funeral home and his pants drop?

[A]

Yeah. And the problem with our job is, like, one of the really important parts is carrying the casket.

[B]

Oh, no. So what does that mean when he's carrying it? By the way, I appreciate your tone on this too, but when he's carrying a casket and his pants drop, what does he do? Just keep carrying it?

[C]

Well, what's the sound that he makes when it falls?

[B]

What is the sound?

[C]

What's the like, like, you know, like. Or.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it's like typical white man, old white man noise. Like, whoops. You know, like. You know what I mean?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

That really helps the picture.

[A]

Yeah. Sometimes we'll apologize, but not all the time.

[B]

Oh, okay. And so that's interesting. Okay, so then keep going. There's a great setup.

[A]

Okay. So. Yeah, so. So we've gotten really lucky, and it hasn't happened during a funeral. My. My worry is he's refusing. We have a soup man that works here who. And I'm. I'm in my car right now hiding, of course. But we have a suit man who works for us, and he has a suit that fits him. It's been made for him. Yeah.

[B]

He just won't wear it.

[A]

And he won't. He won't. And so I don't really know why we've gotten lucky. It hasn't happened during a funeral yet, but my. My fear is it's gonna happen. He kind of does like a cowboy walk a little bit. So it's been a little bit. Like, it hasn't happened yet. But it will. I know it will. And my worry is that he's going to ruin a funeral. A, and then B, he'll be like, on TikTok news.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Now, what kind of underwear is this man rocking?

[B]

Can't be tighty. Whitey.

[A]

The crazy thing, it's red a lot.

[C]

It just calls your attention to it.

[B]

Never would I have guessed red. Yeah, I was thinking light blue.

[A]

Do you. No, not hospital blue. That would be, like, what you'd think.

[B]

That's what I would think.

[A]

No, no, it's red and it's red a lot. To the point where we've actually, like, as a staff, we've been like, does he own, like, that many red pairs? A little weird.

[B]

It's showing.

[A]

That's not my problem. I'm like, I can't. I can't worry about that. We got bigger problems to work on.

[B]

Okay. So the specific thing we could help you with is what? Even though you've made it very clear, Laura, you've done a great job, if you could just phrase the. As a question, it would just.

[A]

Yeah. So my question is, he's a stubborn older guy. How can I get him to wear his new suit?

[C]

Ooh, his.

[B]

Okay, so you want. It's the new suit. Not keep the pants up, but the new suit. Well, I know it, but that's different, because there's other ways. I will say this as a stubborn old white guy as well. I don't want someone to give me new clothes. I like my clothes.

[C]

I do, too.

[B]

And so, no, that's.

[A]

That's the issue, too.

[B]

But you can. I think there are ways to get the new clothes to work, which might be easier than the new suit. But if you want the new suit, then that's a different pitch. So, specifically, do you care how we fix it, or do you want the suit? If you want the suit, that's what we're going to pitch on.

[A]

No, I don't really care. He has ways he thinks are effective to keep the suit pants up. Like, every morning, he's. He has the same belt he's always worn, basically his whole life. And he comes in and he takes the Scotch tape, like the clear office tape, and he rolls it around his finger like a triple roll. And he sticks it all along his belt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he puts the belt slack, like, against it. So it holds for like a minute or two, a second, really? And then it just looks crazier.

[B]

Yeah, I get this. I've done moves like that, to be honest.

[C]

And how old is

[A]

70. I think he. He's turning 70 this year.

[B]

Okay, and what are we calling him? We don't need to give him his real name, but I would love to put a name to this guy because I do love him.

[A]

I thought about this. I. I think we should call him Phil for father in law.

[B]

Phil is, by the way, Laura.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

This is. You're very good at this. This was a great setup. You're doing wonderful. I have a really stupid question.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

How many dead bodies you seen?

[A]

A lot.

[B]

That doesn't weird you out in the.

[A]

No. And that's also crazy because people. People will say, like, how do you do that? It's just. I mean, I feel like you can get used to anything really. And I. I don't know a lot in the thousands.

[B]

Thousands.

[C]

Wow. Follow up question. Do you think your father in law's pants might be haunted?

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[C]

There's a ghost.

[B]

We have so many funniest ghosts of all time. Yeah, there is a ghost. Cracking up. I got Phil again. He's wearing the red panties. Someone's going like this. Get him. Get him whenever. And he doesn't have a lot of red panties. He's got one bear, but anytime he's wearing the red panty. What other theories do you guys have over there?

[A]

So we. We do have a theory that the pants are special because they came off of, like, his first body or something. So, like, is that why he wears them?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that a thing people take clothes?

[A]

I mean, I don't know.

[C]

That would be crazy.

[B]

These are like grave diggers. What do you guys take? The jewelry at the last second, all of a sudden, Phil looks like a mafia guy with three new rings.

[C]

And that's why when they have the casket, like, halfway closed, Phil took the pants.

[B]

The person's daughter goes, I would like an open casket.

[E]

Focus.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Sticks out. The red panties were from somebody else. He goes, like, now that's a pair of panties. So. But you guys don't obviously take the clothes off the dead bottle?

[D]

No.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no.

[B]

Okay. What other theories do you have?

[A]

I think it's like a coping mechanism for us. Well, so he's also just super eccentric. We've been through, like, a myriad of phases with him, and so there have been so many things we've thought, and most of the phases and the weird stuff he does we can keep in house.

[B]

Can you tell us some of the weird phases?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. I mean, we'd be here all day,

[B]

but give us the top.

[A]

He's coming off of a phase right now where he's been trying to grow grapes from the old stems from the grocery store. Grapes he eats. So he'll, like. He'll stick, like, the dad shriveled up, like trash. He'll stick that, like, in the planter.

[B]

And what is he. How is he.

[C]

How is he justifying it?

[B]

What is he saying? Like, three grapes?

[A]

He says he's. He's starting the vineyard.

[B]

Oh, my God, I love Phil. What else does Phil. What does this man do? This is a kid.

[A]

He went through. He went through a phase where he was gonna start doing power naps. So he would, like, tell us to set a timer, and he'd lay in the chapel on the pew, and he'd, like, lay there with, like, a little pillow, and he would take a 15 minute nap. We'd have to come get him, like, stuff like that. He went through a dry cleaning. A dry cleaning phase where he would only shop on the rack. That was like the lost clothes at the dry cleaner that someone didn't pick up.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

So he lucked into, like, a whole bunch of shirts with a different man's initials on the cuff. And he would wear those. He would wear those. I think he probably. Those are part of the problem. Like, he's still wearing those as well. And then one time, he brought me a coat from the Dry Singer that he thought I would like. It was like a giant white fur coat. And he was like, I saw this, and I thought of you.

[C]

Have you worn it?

[A]

Oh, yeah. You know, the really funny thing is I did wear it to a wedding. Yeah.

[B]

What if. Here's a picture.

[C]

I love this man.

[B]

Me too. I like your relationship with him. I like the whole thing. What if, Laura, you pretend you got some deal where you got, like, eight pair of free suspenders and you gifted him. You say, I got these at this dry. And you make it a weird phase so he feels connected to it and go like, dude, Phil, I thought of you. It was crazy. I was at this flea market, and they gave it to me for free if I could, like, throw this ball through this hula hoop. And I won the prize. And they either said a stuffed animal or these pairs of.8 pairs of suspenders from Manitowoc, Wisconsin. And he goes like, whoa.

[C]

Yeah. And just, like, let him know. So many people wore these before, so.

[B]

And they're supposedly really. They're supposed to be very good luck.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's okay. I actually really like that we've suggested suspenders before, and he wouldn't do them, so that might be something to push him.

[C]

Nothing new.

[B]

Nothing but an old pair of suspender. You could actually probably go on, like, ebay and look for old suspenders and create a weird story and say, they're haunted. They're haunted, you know, but in a fun way. And I think he's the kind of guy that you go like, so this was really crazy, but you have to wear these in order for us to get good luck. Because they say if the owner doesn't wear them for a year straight, we get a jinx.

[C]

That's okay.

[B]

And then go, like, it's all for fun, but would you wear these at least here? And you go, the person promised me we're going to get, like, really good year. And then everybody be like, oh, my God, Phil, you have to. As if it's a fun, eccentric thing.

[C]

And then, like, so many people die. And then he's like, oh, we're rolling in it. He's like, wow,

[B]

see how many bodies came in this year?

[C]

He's like, those suspenders are.

[B]

Dude, there was a fire at the.

[C]

That hospital. So many.

[A]

I. I like this. I'm. I'm. I'm on board with it.

[B]

There's like, a new virus that comes, and on the news, they're like, we can't contain it. And he's like, oh, this is.

[A]

They did it.

[B]

So what do you think of that, Laura?

[A]

I. I'm gonna be honest with you. I actually really like that, and I'm kind of, like, embarrassed I didn't think of it myself. I thought about, like, public opinion is really important to him. So we, of course, like, in the past, with some issues we've had, we've done, like, a fake complaint because that just really, like, he can't handle that. The issue is he always over corrects. Like, we had. He was having. We were having an issue. He really likes to get the toys at McDonald's, and he was bringing them a dog bag.

[B]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[C]

Sorry, I'm laughing. You start over that part.

[A]

He really likes them. Like, we have all the Crocs. We have all the Mr. Potato Head ones. And I keep them for him in a special drawer so he'll bring them straight to me. But the problem is he doesn't like the Happy Meal. He'll just throw it in the trash so we can't stand the smell of it. And, like, it doesn't matter. Like, we'll find it in different trash cans. So finally we were like, hey, like, we got a phone call, and the family, like, they just don't like smelling fried chicken when they walk into the funeral home.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, oh, my God. So then for the next, like, six months, we weren't allowed to use the microwave for lunch because he's like, it might stink. And it just made our lives so

[B]

much harder, you know? You know what we could do? I say we do the suspenders. If it doesn't work, we could also have Damon right now make a little voice note that we could send to you that you could have. That you had it on a. You could put it on the answering machine at work that you got a complaint. And the complaint could be about how he was there with his family and saw the owner's red underpants because his pants were sagging, and it just made the whole family uncomfortable. And I don't know if he needs a tighter belt or something, but it's inappropriate to see a man of that age's red underpants.

[A]

I agree. There's children there.

[B]

There's children near. This is also. We're putting a family member down. I didn't know if he was showing the panties as a solicitation, but whatever it was, it made us feel all uncomfortable, and we think you should know that. So I think that's plan B. Yeah, I agree. Because that's. We're shaming a real sweet old character. Yeah, but you're the problem.

[A]

We don't want to break the spirit.

[B]

And so I say we go suspenders as a gift. And you know what? Maybe look for McDonald's themed suspenders. Anything he likes. What other stuff does he like? What are his other weird hobbies? Does he have, like, a team he likes? Does he have, like, a band for. I'm sure he liked rushing.

[A]

Yeah, he. He does like sports. We've actually had issues with that, too. So, like, he. If he doesn't like silence. So if. If he has to fill the conversation or whatever, he'll just start complimenting people on their stuff. And he does it, like, so aggressively that, like, you won't believe, like, how many people have dropped off, like, hats and glasses and stuff, that they're like, he loved these. Like, can you give them.

[B]

Just say stuff.

[A]

Yeah. And so one time a kid came in, and he was wearing one of those Joe cats. It was, like, probably from Buckle or something. And it said big and below, it was a rooster.

[B]

Right, okay.

[A]

And we were like. And he. He was like. This poor kid was like, middle school. And we were all just staring and he's like, I love your hat. I love it. I love it so much. And the kid is just, like, looking like, the poor kid's mom probably told him a million times not to wear that in public. He will never wear it again because his face just. He's so mortified.

[B]

Well, because there's an older man saying he loves a hat that says big. From middle school.

[E]

Correct.

[C]

All the time.

[A]

I want a hat like that. Where can I get a hat like that? I. And then he finally goes, I love the Gamecocks.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

And so, yeah. So, yeah, he likes sports. He does.

[B]

Oh, go ahead.

[C]

Go ahead. Finish what you're saying.

[A]

Oh, no, I'm good.

[C]

Another option could be since sometimes people don't know what they're doing is wrong until they see it for themselves. So what if you guys all come to work with big pants on and your pants keep falling down?

[B]

It's a great idea.

[C]

And he's just like, hey, hey.

[B]

And then you guys go, hey, no. What if you. I love that pitch, Laura. What if you have somebody whose pants fall down a few times? And then you say to him, hey, Phil, should we do, like, mandatory suspenders? Because I don't want them to feel. But let's do as a uniform, if you're wearing pants, you need suspenders. Because his pants fell down twice. I've seen his underwear, and they're red.

[A]

That's a great idea. And he would have no clue that this was about him.

[B]

And then he would have to do it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because he can't. And then you go, phil, but I need you to make this rule, because we all respect you so much, so will you let us all know? Because of incidents, nobody's being pointed fingers at. Nobody's in trouble. But from here on out, all men need to wear suspenders and say, like, phil, if you could do it because you want to make that look like the style. We don't even have to bring up the fact that, like, Jackson's pants fell down. He's so embarrassed.

[A]

That's a really good one. He's definitely, like, speaking his language.

[B]

And then you could say, and then if the men all have, like, red suspenders. What? The women all have, like, a red something, too. And now that's a fashion thing we're all doing. I think it could help. And it could really help that Jackson doesn't get caught that his pants fell down twice.

[A]

It's a great idea. We could have, like. We could add it to the. The handbook.

[B]

Exactly. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then, Laura, you could Buy them and say, I was thinking, just so it doesn't happen, if we could do that today. And then all the men put these on, and all the women put on these bracelets or whatever you guys put on.

[A]

I still want to buy the really old suspenders on ebay. So maybe I'll say his are extra

[B]

special because he's the boss.

[A]

These are the. The boss suspenders. Yeah.

[B]

So, Laura, at this point of the call, we're going to go to you. What are you specifically going to do? When are you going to do it? Walk us through it.

[A]

Okay, so I think I am going to start subtly dropping hints. Not maybe to him, but around him. I have two really close co workers that know that I'm in the car right now doing this. So I'm gonna say, gosh, did you see Tim's pants? Like, they were so low. I'm so worried. Like, that just isn't a good look for us. And then if I say that a couple times, he's gonna be like, what are you talking about? And I'm gonna tell him. I'll be like, I just don't want to hurt his feelings. And he can say, what can we do? And then I'll say, I mean, here's the thing. Like, what if everyone just has to start wearing suspenders no matter what? Like, it's part of the uniform with the suit.

[B]

And then what do you think he'll say?

[A]

Well, I think first he'll say, no one wants to wear those. And I'll say, well, what else? What is your. Like, what else? Like, what else is there? And then he'll be like. He'll probably say, I need to think about it. Okay. And then maybe that would be a good time for me to get the haunted suspenders.

[B]

And maybe that's also, like. Also while he's thinking about it, recruit Tim to have his pants fall down.

[C]

Yeah, right there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The next day. And he would do it the next day. Have him get a pair of pants that are two sizes too big. Be walking through right in front of the boss. His pants go down to his ankles, and he's wearing embarrassing panties, or he

[C]

doesn't have any on at all. He'll get fired for that.

[B]

Maybe not. If. No, if no customers are around.

[C]

If it's just dangling.

[B]

Do it from the.

[A]

I don't think he'd get fired. I don't think he'd get fired.

[B]

All of a sudden, everyone just sees a butt. But by the way, that's going to create change.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

And then he Just lifts him up and goes like, sorry. And walks out of the room. And the boss goes like, this is a major problem.

[C]

Yeah, we gotta fix this.

[B]

And that's when you hand him the suspenders.

[A]

And then I can say, you know, it's so funny. This is such a weird timing because I was at the flea market and I got these for free. It felt like it was meant to be. Like, it felt crazy. And I'll show them to him and I'll make sure they're like, kind of his style.

[B]

And you go, I was gonna keep it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'll be like, I was gonna give them to my. My dad, but I think if you wear these in front of him, he might want to be like you. Like, he might want to wear them too.

[B]

I love that. And then you plan Tim to say, dude, those are so cool. And he goes, I got a pair if you want them. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

And I'll even set him up for that. I'll say, when he compliments them, make sure you say like, do you want a pair? Yeah.

[B]

This is going to be very effective.

[C]

This is for sure.

[A]

I agree. So I know I have to pay the tab. What do you guys need for me?

[B]

I would honestly say, when everybody is in the suspenders, take a photo as the group and we will blur everybody's faces. And then we just for sure need a follow up.

[A]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm excited about this.

[B]

You're. You're a top caller.

[C]

You're a top caller. I love Phil.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

This whole thing, I love how you had great examples.

[C]

He's a very weird. He's a very weird guy.

[B]

I also think I lift him. Yeah. I also am gonna. For the show we're doing Cable Guy, my character does some weird stuff and Damon's character starts noticing. I'm gonna pitch to Roselle that I have initials on my shirt.

[C]

Somebody else.

[B]

And you go like this. Are those your initials? I go, no. I get my clothes from dead people. And then I'm gonna go, these pants. A guy died in a car crash.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And you're just sitting there and going, oh. And then I go like, this guy died. I got his whole wardrobe. I went to, like, an estate sale. I got a guy who connects me.

[A]

And his name was Phil.

[B]

And his name was Phil. So if it happens and you see a shirt and there's like a plot.

[A]

No.

[E]

Oh, no.

[C]

That's a film inspired by Laura and Phil. Yeah.

[B]

But thank you for the call. Please follow up with us.

[A]

Will do. Thanks, guys.

[B]

Thank you. Thank You.

[E]

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[B]

Hello.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

How you doing?

[A]

I'm doing well. How are you doing?

[B]

Good. What's your name?

[A]

My name is Jenna.

[B]

Jenna. Where are you calling from, Jenna?

[A]

I am currently in D.C. d.C. And

[B]

how old are you?

[A]

I am 27.

[B]

Just a kid. And what do you do for work? What keeps you busy, Jenna?

[A]

So I'm working in D.C. on Capitol Hill in senate office for healthcare stuff.

[B]

Cool. Look at you.

[C]

Health.

[B]

Somebody as smart as you call it. This podcast for advice is crazy.

[A]

Well, it's kind of like my issue revolves around D.C. so.

[B]

Well, Jenna, let's get into it. But before we do, you've got a very special guest. Did you ever watch the show New Girl?

[A]

Of course I did.

[B]

Well, you got coach here. Mr. Damon Waynes Junior.

[C]

Coach. Coach.

[A]

Oh my gosh, what an honor. Hello.

[C]

Hey Jenna. I'm actually coming out to to D.C. pretty soon to do some stand ups.

[B]

What are the dates?

[C]

Excited about that? Sometime In July.

[B]

Where can people find your stand up? Do you have a website?

[C]

I don't. I don't have much out.

[B]

Oh, you don't?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But, like, when you go live touring, how do you let people know? Just your Instagram.

[C]

Just let them know that I'm. Yeah, Instagram, Twitter, people are still on that. And then, you know, when I get there, I do radio and stuff.

[B]

Jenna, take over.

[A]

Okay, well, so I grew up in Los Angeles, but I lived in Jackson, Mississippi, before D.C. for, like, 10 years. So the vast majority of my adult life, Southern hospitality has, like, completely rewired my brain.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

And so then I moved to D.C. and people just seem permanently annoyed that I exist. I don't know if you've ever heard the term Mass. Holes.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Massachusetts assholes. Yes. Yes, yes. I figured you were familiar. That is totally accurate. It's just a different species of city people. Like, I still go home to LA every so often. Not the city people you encounter in dc. And so recently, I was, like, walking on a sidewalk, going. Coming back from getting ramen, like a very normal activity. And there was a bike on the sidewalk, which happens a ton. Like, there's so many etiquette rules. I don't really know where people go on the sidewalk, where people go on the bike lane. It's a whole thing. And so this bike is trying to get around, like, me and a different group of people in front of me. So me, I kind of go in front of this bike rack and then step to the side, and they got upset for me for, like, walking the way. And as she passed me, she looked at me and she said, looked me right in the eyes and said, you literally fucking saw me. So I guess she wanted me to, like, immediately move out of the way for her. So I looked at her, like, very calmly, was like, oh, there's literally a bike lane. Because there was. We were standing right next to it, and she said, yeah, I'll push you into it, bitch. And then sped off. So I went home and totally cried. So I am just, like, not thick enough skin for the DC folk. And so I need to know basically how to coexist with them, because I think I accidentally became a Southerner and I completely lost, like, all ability to interact with city people.

[B]

That's interesting. So question for you just on a. I grew up under Eve Johnson, so I just was born with a thick skin. What about a lady saying, I'm gonna push you in this bike lane and driving off? What made you cry there?

[A]

Because. Because what did she what if she did? What did I. What was I supposed to say? Like, what? I suppose my brother was like, you should have come out. Or like, you should have said something back, like, do it. And I'm like, then what if she did? I don't know what to do in that scenario. And then I feel like I hate inconveniencing people. Also, like, the Southern part of me, I guess, so. I hate inconveniencing people. And there's so many. Like, was I supposed to wait for her on the sidewalk to pass me? I don't know.

[B]

I'm, like, always worried that it's going

[A]

to make someone angry.

[B]

Right? Like, basically, I guess that sums it up, right?

[A]

Okay, yes, yes. Like, if somebody does something wrong in Jackson, like, I'll apologize to them.

[B]

Like, it's so fine.

[A]

But, like, everything you do is an inconvenience in D.C. and people are going to let you know that. And my brain just, like, can't figure out how to deal with that.

[B]

You know what? We got to teach Jenna, in my opinion, Damon, and it might not be the right thing, and then if so, we'll back off. She's got to learn jail culture for sure. You do realize, Jenna, jail culture, it's all different rules. Do you know that, John?

[A]

Okay, I. I mean, I don't personally know it, so.

[B]

Jenna, if you got dropped off in jail, you can't behave like it's not jail. Right.

[C]

You know that, right?

[B]

Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Figure out who the shot caller is. If somebody messes with you, you got to attack fast. Stick with your people.

[C]

Surprisingly enough, ramen is a really big thing there, so.

[B]

Yeah, it's cheap.

[C]

You got that down pat.

[B]

But I think we need to toughen you up in a major way in a hurry.

[A]

Okay. I would not even begin to know how to do that.

[B]

Well, I mean, look, this might not be the right pitch. That's why I'm bringing. But because we can't teach you the rules of the DC Etiquette, and I'm gonna tell you, because I don't know

[A]

them, I think they're, like, different, depending on what street you're on, of course.

[C]

Like, New York a little bit.

[B]

I'm sure they're just city. That's how Chicago was.

[A]

Right?

[B]

It. It would not be a surprise for somebody to go by you and go like, hey, man, watch it move. And then you say something back, then they say something back, and then it's over.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

If you take it personal, you Know what it reminds me of, Jenna? If you ever barter with somebody on the street, like if you're trying to buy a wallet on Canal street, there's a whole different language that goes on that's not personal, but there is an entire language of the negotiation where you've got to go, oh, it's really beautiful. Then the guy goes for you, 60 for both. And then you got to go, get the out of here. And he goes, that's what I pay. Then you gotta walk away, Jenna.

[A]

But like, it's, it's constant. Like, you say hello to someone on the street and they stare at you like you're genuinely insane. Like, so it's like every day.

[B]

So you know what? I would like you to be every interaction. Okay, here's the term. I want you to think in your head when you see somebody. When you see somebody walking down the street right now is Jenna, little southerner. What's your first thought? I hope they have a lovely day.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I like those probably. Yeah. Isn't that a lovely person? Hello. Hello.

[C]

Hello.

[B]

That's where your head's kind of at.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Here's what I want you to say.

[C]

Aren't you just a bit of. All right. Sorry, I'm spiraling. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Here's what I want you to start thinking. Did you ever see the movie Throw Mama from the Train?

[A]

I have never heard Throw mama from the Train.

[B]

You ever see the movie Goonies?

[A]

No.

[B]

It was an actress who had a run. Do you know who I'm talking about? Did you ever see those movies?

[C]

I saw Goonies for sure.

[B]

Remember the old lady? She had that crazy face.

[C]

Yes. She was the mom to the. The. Yeah, bad guys.

[B]

She had like a five year run where she was booking movies left and right. Just a gnarly old son of a. Just a attire of a woman.

[C]

Very attire for sure.

[B]

Just old rubber, burnt, mean as hell. I want you to start channeling that vibe. And when you see somebody, your first thought, when you think your thought, Jenna, I want you to convert it to, I hope they eat a dick,

[D]

I

[B]

hope they choke on a dick and die.

[C]

Preferably mine.

[B]

I hope they eat my dick and die.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

And I want you to think that for three days when everybody you see don't act any differently. This is a multi tier approach.

[C]

It helps your brain.

[B]

It's. You see somebody, they wave at you, Eat a dick.

[C]

The fuck. So what are you waving for? Eat a dick. Take that hand you're using to wave. Put it on a dick. Put that dick In. In a sandwich. A little bit of mayo, a little bit of mustard. I can eat that foot long, six inch? Depends. Depends on how hungry you are for that dick.

[E]

Right?

[B]

Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm supposed to think all of those things every time.

[B]

Well, here's your version of it.

[C]

You know, for sure.

[B]

So let's do this. Just to start, pretend, Jenna, you're walking down the street, and then verbalize what your thoughts are. Imagine seeing somebody, and then tell us what you're gonna think.

[A]

So what I currently think or what you are trying to have.

[B]

We're trying to have you think. So you're gonna walk down the street. I'm gonna tell you who you're seeing, you respond. Damon's gonna tell you what you're seeing next. We're gonna keep throwing options at you, and then you respond in your head. Now, all you have to do on the outside is nothing. Right now, these are just thoughts. Okay? You're walking down the street. You see a man around 40. He's got a little dog. He's nothing. You look at each other, you make a teeny bit of eye contact. He does a very slight head nod.

[C]

What do you say?

[A]

I hope his air conditioning breaks.

[B]

That's fine.

[C]

No, I need a little more aggression.

[B]

We're gonna start with just.

[A]

It's really hot in D.C. it's really hot. That would be awesome.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

All right, so maybe we let her.

[C]

So AC doesn't work. So it's really. It's too hot to be eating dicks with ac.

[B]

That's what we want.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I hope it's air conditioning. Yes, Damon's right. Yeah, I hope it's air conditioning. Break. It gets really hot and sweaty. It's really mug.

[C]

And then the only thing he has to eat is dead.

[B]

Okay, so, Jenna, you're back to walking the street. Damon.

[C]

Okay, walking the street, you see a lady ride by on a bike. What do you tell her? She looks just like the girl that

[A]

you saw before break. And then she lands into a pile of dicks.

[C]

Ooh, now we're cooking with drinks. Race.

[B]

You see a mail carrier. No, a UPS driver. Stop, get out of the truck. Jog past you in those little shorts to drop something off, and you think,

[A]

I hope a dog comes up, takes off his shorts, and then he eats his own dick.

[B]

Oh, Damon.

[C]

Wait, so the dog is. He's just watching the dog eat his dick? Or is he. How is he human? Oh, the human. Oh, so he's his own dog?

[B]

Like, rips the pants off.

[C]

I get it. Okay.

[B]

This is good.

[A]

Keep the dog out of it.

[B]

Okay, cool. You got one last one. Damon.

[C]

Yeah. You got a 12 year old kid who you saw try and sell his candies to this person. He's obviously. He has the money and he's running a scam. And then he approaches you, he goes, hey, ma', am, I'm trying to pay my way through school, and he has, like, some melted M and M's and Snickers bars. What do you say to that? That kid, that 12 year old, and he. His eyes. His eyes. He has dead eyes.

[B]

Keep going.

[C]

He might not even be 12. He says he's 12, but he could be like a solid 32.

[B]

Jenna. Keep going. What do you. What do you think?

[A]

I don't want your candy. And somebody without a dick wouldn't even want your candy.

[C]

Wow. Yeah. And then. And then as you're. As you're walking past him, he goes. You hear him say that? What do you say? Like, do you turn around? What do you say to him?

[A]

Okay, now we're getting to. I'm. I'm responding.

[B]

No, no, just in your head. In your head.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Oh, oh. Your mom's a pretty good.

[C]

Yes, I like that.

[B]

Now, Jenna, I'm gonna give you one last one. And I don't want these excuses you're calling looking for change. So let's change. Okay. You willing to change?

[A]

I'm ready. I'm willing.

[B]

You're walking past the children's hospital.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

A little kid comes out clearly. Clearly going through some stuff. Got the cap on his sweet mother's with him, holding his arm. The dad is looking like Willy Loman. These bills are on top of his ass. They're not surviving the economy or this nightmarish disease. They see you. What do you think? Oh, my gosh, Jenna, we just agreed we're looking for change.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

You see this family? What do you think?

[A]

I hope everyone but the child eats a dick.

[C]

But what if the cure is in that?

[B]

Here's what we need from you, Jenna. I'm gonna let you off the hook on this one.

[C]

Yeah, that was pretty.

[B]

I mean, it was pretty good. I agree. So here's what we need now. Three full days. And Jenna, I mean it. Everybody you see, you have something bad to say about them. And then you hope they eat a

[C]

D. Find something that you hate about what they're, what they're wearing, how they're walking, everything. Their smell. You know, something that bothers you and

[B]

you don't like them.

[C]

Yeah, they're your enemies.

[B]

We're doing that for three straight days. You're not talking. You can talk to your friends if you want to about it, but this is a personal thing you are going through. Are you willing to commit to that? Starting as soon as we hang up?

[A]

Up as soon as we hang up? Okay, I am. I'm fully committed.

[C]

Scouts honor because you have to know that's what they're thinking about you 100%.

[B]

They hate you for no reason.

[C]

Zero reason.

[A]

Well, does that make me like a negative person though? So I.

[C]

Protective.

[B]

We are going to get past this is phase one. Then phase two is when you're thinking it. And sometimes you don't even think it. Sometimes you do. It's getting so it's not as disciplined. Disciplined. Then in your head, if somebody seems nice and friendly. Nothing. If somebody seems a little bit rude, they're still the insult and eat a dick. But now some people can get faded out. Then we do that for three days. And now you can start going, this seems like a nice family. They just walked out of the hospital. They don't need to eat dicks anymore. Yeah, but that lady on the bike, she might need to eat a dick. Then you do that for three days. Then the third phase, and this is all a nine day program that Damon and I teach. It's 10 days and under is what it's called. 10 and under.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

The final three days, Jenna, and you're not gonna like this. Each day you need to tell two people on the street to eat a dick. No, Jenna. Now it could be a car that drives too close. Somebody honks. You just have to yell dick. Three people.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

For three days.

[C]

And maybe put like, you know, a little, you know, some adjectives.

[B]

Give me an example.

[C]

Eat an uncircumcised dick.

[B]

Give me another example.

[C]

Give me. Eat a microp penis.

[B]

Give me another example.

[C]

Eat a freaking dick with the. With the blow hole on the top. Like it's a. Like it's a shamu. I know that happens. Actually. It's like, really?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Where like your dick hole can be like on the top of your.

[B]

How do you know?

[C]

I know an actor who has that name.

[B]

Names.

[C]

I don't think he wants me to name it.

[B]

Would I know who he was? Yes, you would Give hints just so the audience has an idea.

[C]

Funny guy. He's. He does a lot of drama work now.

[B]

Incredible age group.

[C]

Our age group.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Name starts with a T, last name

[B]

starts with an L. And he's got a blowhole on the top. Of his dick like a whale.

[C]

Because I made a joke. Like, I was making, like, a joke about it, and then he was like, you got that, too? I was like, ill. No, dude.

[B]

He's like, oh, yeah. He's like, no.

[C]

He was like, I was actually born with that. I was like, oh, man, let me.

[B]

And that's fine. It's just like, you got a shamu dick, and that's cool in some ways.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He's got a freaking free willy in your pants. It's cool, man. Yeah, but. So.

[B]

Yeah, cool. So, Jenna, what are you thinking?

[C]

Not about the show.

[A]

I think that this could work. I have a. I have a cat. A question.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

The last three days, does it count, like, if I just yell it at a car while the windows are up? Like, maybe they don't hear it?

[B]

Of course, no, they don't have to.

[C]

You can also say it under your breath.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

Jenna, it is not for others to hear. One thing my dad did once when I was first getting to know him is we were driving in the car and somebody cut him off. And like a true mafio. So tough guy, he goes, drive it or milk it. You.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

And I went like, drive it or milk it?

[C]

I was like, I don't get that.

[B]

But, like, it's a cow or a car. I don't know. Oh, either, like, squeeze the titties or drive the. I don't know. But I did think he was pretty tough. And then later in the car, somebody, he goes, driving a. Milk it. And then I went, actually, croc, the windows are up in the music up. No one can hear you if you're going to do it. Unroll the windows. And he goes, there's no point to that. They might hear it. And I thought, still effective, but you don't want to get your ass kicked.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So, Jenna, when we're saying this, it's not for them to hear. It's for you to say.

[A]

Perfect.

[C]

Because love that.

[A]

Love that.

[C]

Because eventually, if you don't do this, this. It'll just pile up, and then you wind up murdering somebody.

[B]

Or you're going to get beat up.

[C]

Or you get.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Or that.

[B]

So give us an example now, Jenna. And it could be not for us to hear, but you're walking down the street, and a lady. And now this is only happening to people you don't like. But now a lady with a dog walks by, and she just looks like a tire of a woman, Just a nasty old lady, and she gives you that scowl, that D.C. scowl, and she Goes move to the left. What do you do?

[A]

I think in my head that I hope she loses her job, gets a ticket, and then sucks a real bad dick. And then I tell her to suck a dick under my breath.

[B]

Now say it under your breath. So think it's like you did. And then let's hear how you're going to say it.

[A]

It duck a dick.

[B]

Excellent. Damon, give her an example. I love that. You're killing it. I love that.

[C]

I really love that.

[E]

Oh, give her an example.

[B]

Yeah, let's give her another person. Let's challenge her.

[C]

All right, you're on an elevator. Somebody gets on there with you. You forgot to press your floor. You asked them to press your floor and. And they refuse. Gonna do it yourself, so you have to do it yourself.

[A]

Suck a dick.

[B]

Okay, I got another one for you. You're crossing the street, a car's coming, slows down, lets you pass, then honks and flicks you off and drives off. What do you do?

[A]

A little shriveled 80 year old dick.

[B]

But how are you gonna say. Can you yell that one? One

[A]

suck a dick, Jenna.

[C]

I like that.

[B]

Welcome to the city.

[C]

You're here.

[B]

Will you follow up with us after the 10 days and will you, in terms of paying the toll, will you record on a voice Note 1 of 1 or 2 of your suck of dicks that you say in public and a possible reaction and reaction would be incredible. That's not easy to get. Yeah. But do not get yourself in a fight. We are not there. So I don't want the people to necessarily hear it. If you go, sunk a dick. And they go, what? Yeah, we go, second deck.

[C]

Yeah. And then they go, second deck.

[B]

And they go, what are you saying?

[C]

And you look a deck house, point

[B]

to your ear and go, I'm on the phone.

[C]

Oh, that's good.

[A]

That is good. That is good.

[B]

I'm so sorry. I'm on the phone.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, that's really good.

[A]

So then after day 10, which I do think you should reconsider 10 and under being the name. But after day 10, I just go back.

[C]

Especially in these times.

[B]

All right, so Jenna, pitch us a quick title idea. Then for the name.

[A]

Be a in 10 days or less.

[B]

Oh, that's better.

[A]

It's a little lengthy.

[C]

It is lengthy. But.

[B]

But you can also play. Yeah, yeah, be an 10 days or less. All right, so what were you open?

[C]

My Ten Days or less.

[B]

That feels different to me.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, That's a little. I get a little weird.

[B]

Jenna, what were you Saying at the end, because I feel like we got a winner and we're out.

[A]

You tell me, yeah, I'm ready. And then just day 10, I go back to trying to not dick about dicks.

[B]

You just now relax because now you have a different mindset. And if, guess what?

[A]

What?

[B]

If you see somebody, you have a negative thought, let it come.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But you follow up with us after that day 10.

[A]

Yes, will do. I will. And I will pay my toll. I will send you videos of me telling people to suck a dick, which is not a sentence I thought I'd ever say, but I'll. I'll do it. I love it.

[C]

I think it's great.

[B]

I think you're in a great. And where in LA did you grow up?

[A]

Like specifically Locker center, but Glendale, Pasadena area.

[B]

Oh, you're right in my hood. Suck a dick. Where'd you go to school? School.

[A]

Cassa Valley High School.

[B]

Ah, suck a dick. That's a great school.

[C]

That's really cool. It's unfortunate that we. You can't be that nice in. In most places.

[B]

All right, Jen, thanks for the call. Suck a big dick. You.

[A]

Awesome. Thanks so much. And you suck a dick too.

[B]

Goodbye.

[D]

Hi, all. Katie here. I'm a big fan of the show. I had a thought on how people could pay up when their content is too boring for a full followup. Natalie said she didn't want to dedicate 10 to 15 minutes for a boring follow up at the end of the show. So I was thinking, what if you do a two minute follow up for the really boring ones and then you bang out five at the end of the show. You get your 10 minutes but that way you're not sitting there for 15 minutes listening to a boring follow up. You could do it with Jake and Gareth where they just have a quick phone call with them or even have people send in a voice memo that says, hi, this is Katie. My problem was boring follow up. And you suggested this. It worked. Check out the Instagram for the picture of how it worked. I love the show and I love Pay the Toll.

[B]

Everybody check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early and there's also back catalog episodes.

[E]

That's right. So we're Here to Help is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. Just join us. Let's go.

[B]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[C]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[E]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast.

[D]

Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and Alexa, AKA the popcorn Queen and King.

[B]

Hey, guys. We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support

[A]

you've shown our family.

[D]

As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey.

[B]

And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[D]

That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important. Healing.

[B]

Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load.

[D]

If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate@aran krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being such an incredible community.

[B]

And thank you for always being there to help.

[A]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[C]

Sterling K. Brown.

[B]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[D]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[B]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[E]

A whole lot.

[B]

That's what I'm hoping.

[E]

Man.

[C]

Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app.

[B]

Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.

[C]

New episodes every Tuesday.