308: Reverse Laundry Psychology & Funk In The Trunk

Summary

We’re Here to Help
Episode 308: Reverse Laundry Psychology & Funk In The Trunk
Original Air Date: July 20, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds

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Episode Overview

In this laughter-packed episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds go all-in helping listeners with comically relatable problems, riffing off their signature mix of dumb bits, heartfelt support, and seriously unserious advice. The main topics include creative tactics for dealing with inconsiderate apartment laundry room neighbors ("reverse laundry psychology") and clever strategies to handle a grandma’s perpetually stinky car ("funk in the trunk"). The episode also features a follow-up on a previous, bizarre parenting nickname dilemma, and the hosts continue to reward listeners for "paying the toll" by reporting back on their advice.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up and Cooking Bit Escalation

Timestamps: 01:10–07:52

• Gareth describes suffering a heatwave at his girlfriend’s place, including an adventure to buy a window AC unit at a surreal discount superstore (“It was a soft Black Friday” – Gareth, 02:15).
• Jake details an upcoming "dumb bit": a cook-off between their friend Steve Berg and Adam Oler. If Steve wins, the podcast funds his chaotic "handfuls and pinches" Viking-style cookbook.
  • “If he loses, he’s not allowed to talk food for six months.” – Jake, 05:15
  • The possibility emerges to escalate into Mythical Kitchen-style competitions.
  • Gareth predicts Steve will lose narrowly but they’ll give him the cookbook anyway “because it’s insane” (07:33).

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2. Caller One: Tobias and the Apartment Laundry Saga

Timestamps: 12:28–31:47
Issue: Tobias, 32 from Seattle, can’t get access to his building’s laundry due to two teenage girls monopolizing and abandoning washer & dryers, resulting in mildew and frustration.

Relatable Struggles:

• Tobias only has one day a week for laundry and is down to his last pair of underwear.
  • “All I’m doing is just trying to get through the next 10 minutes.” – Gareth (02:58, earlier anecdote paralleling Tobias's struggles)
• The teens consistently leave clothes for days, “...like, multiple days, sometimes one or two days. And the whole, it’s like, mildewy.” – Tobias, 15:32

Jake & Gareth’s Advice – "Reverse Laundry Psychology":

• Fake Management Signs:
  • Print angry, official-looking signs: "Clothes left in washer/dryer for more than 3 hours will be thrown out immediately."
  • “Fake signage from the manager that’s very angry…” – Jake, 16:37
• Decoy Cameras or Props:
  • Install a fake camera with a sign: "This room now has cameras."
  • Alternate: a teddy bear or mannequin with a tissue box “so you are being watched.” – Gareth, 19:10
• Reverse-Shame Notes:
  • Post a dramatic note accusing a (fake) culprit: “Sorry I left my clothes in too long, but someone took a shit in them. Please don’t have bowel movements in laundry.”
  • “…I won't leave my laundry longer ever again.” – Tobias, devising his note, 28:22
• Escalation Tactics:
  • Leave faux-doo (Baby Ruth bars) or a fake dead rat in the offending laundry to create “reverse psychology fear.”
  • The nuclear option: “Take the bedding. You’re now saying, ‘Hey, you live in a world—oh wait, if you, it’s gone.’” – Gareth, 24:32
• Notable Quote:
  • “They need to think their duvet got pooped in.” – Gareth, 30:57

Tobias opts for posting signs and potentially the Baby Ruth escalation, pledging to report back with photos and results.

• “If you set it up that someone’s pooping in the washer and then they do it, they have a death wish. They need their stuff to be Ruthed.” – Gareth, 30:22

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3. Caller Two: Olivia and Grandma’s Funky Honda

Timestamps: 33:47–54:56
Issue: Olivia, 14, can’t stand her grandmother’s car smell (“wet dog, stinky sock, sour milk”) but needs a way to fix it without hurting Grandma’s feelings.

Problem Breakdown:

• Grandma’s car: non-leather seats, smelly, used daily, in a damp Northwest area.
• Grandma’s house, shared with friends, is also stinky: “They all kind of soak up their old smell together.” – Olivia, 38:35

Jake & Gareth’s Advice – “Stealth Reset Tactics”:

• The School Project Gambit:
  • Pretend to need to clean a car for a school/TikTok project or fundraiser and film it; reset the smell, then subtly mention if/when the odor returns.
  • “...I’m doing this project at school or with my friends. Can we clean your car immaculately?” – Jake, 39:16
• “Spill and Solve” Scripted Accident:
  • Arrange a hangout, “spill” food (fries, not a drink) in the car, then insist on cleaning it as an act of filial guilt—thus getting permission to deep clean.
  • “Would you be willing to do the fries?” – Jake, 51:20
• Roleplaying Scenarios:
  • Olivia practices calling Grandma and scripting the accident; Jake and Gareth switch between playing Olivia and Grandma to nail the tone.
• Long-term Tactic:
  • Use the event as an excuse for future cleanings—“I still smell what I spilled, can I clean it again?” or try different air fresheners together.

Notable Quotes:

• Gareth (on car stink): “It’s like three mildew Roombas just inhaling each other’s...this call is actually...grossing me out.” – 38:44
• Olivia deciding: “I’m going to spill food in my grandma’s car so I can fix the smell and clean it for her and then comment on the smell afterwards, saying, oh my gosh, it’s so clean.” – 53:44

Olivia promises to update the show with before-and-after pics.

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4. Follow-Up: “Sexy Baby” Nickname Dilemma

Timestamps: 55:14–68:25
Problem Recap: Previous caller Ryan’s wife insists on calling their baby "Sexy Baby," making everyone uncomfortable.

Outcome:

• Ryan created a PowerPoint (“The Babe Ruth of nicknames”) that playfully but clearly juxtaposed "sexy" imagery vs. babies.
• His wife responded well, understood the point, and the nickname use plummeted, now reserved only for the house.
• Ryan presents new, audience-ready options for nicknames:
  • Dapper Dude
  • Broski
  • Captain Handsome (deemed too close to the original issue by hosts)
• Listeners are invited to vote between “Dapper Dude” and “Broski” on YouTube.
  • “She gets the final say, but she needs the information from the audience and from us.” – Ryan, 66:47

Notable Quotes:

• “You’re goddamn ready, dad. Well done.” – Gareth, 67:53
• “She’s a bit of a drug addict...I don’t want to switch from heroin to acid.” – Jake (on avoiding similarly weird nicknames), 64:16

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5. Community Message and Meta-Commentary

Timestamps: 68:30–70:15

• Longtime listener “Quest” calls in to chide haters for nitpicking the cold open and ads, encouraging everyone to enjoy the loose, barroom banter.
• “Let the boys do their stuff…This is a highlight of my day and it’s been along with me for so many years.” – Quest, 69:33

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “This is not a cookbook for someone who wants recipes. It’s for entertainment.” – Gareth, 04:57
• “The beauty of Steve is that wind is always behind him.” – Gareth, 07:01
• “It’s just crazy.” – Tobias, 16:02 (on laundry misbehavior)
• “If you set it up that someone’s pooping in the washer and then they do it, they have a death wish. They need their stuff to be Ruthed.” – Gareth, 30:22
• “It’s like three mildew Roombas just inhaling each other’s [stink].” – Gareth, 38:44

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Segment Timestamps for Key Sections

• 01:10 – 07:52 | Host banter, heat wave stories, cooking show schemes
• 12:28 – 31:47 | Caller 1: Tobias’ laundry woes & host brainstorm
• 33:47 – 54:56 | Caller 2: Olivia’s grandma car funk mission & solutions
• 55:14 – 68:25 | Follow-Up: “Sexy Baby” nickname results and next steps
• 68:30 – 70:15 | Listener Quest’s community plea
• 70:15 – 72:31 | Show wrap-up and charity plug

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode perfectly balances comic, improvisational advice with heartfelt effort to help, especially for those trapped in awkward, everyday situations. Whether you’re plotting against laundry hogs, plotting to deodorize elderly relatives’ vehicles, or just seeking creative problem-solving, Jake and Gareth deliver big laughs, lots of empathy, and a little gentle mayhem—plus plenty of encouragement for listeners to play along and report back.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Headgun podcast.

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[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are back.

[Jake Johnson]

G man, you said you were sweaty, you were hot. What the hell's happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there's a heat wave and it's been a while since I've. I'm trying to remember the last time I was. I, I think probably in England because they don't have AC and it's been getting hotter there. But I'm at my girlfriend's place and she has ACs that are effective when it's hot, but not. And we went to a weirdo. Like a couple people recommended we go to like a discount superstore place. And so we go to this place and I mean, it's just like they've piled 90ac window units in the middle of the store and we're like, just fight.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God, you did that. You did that Black Friday fight with people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a soft Black Friday.

[Jake Johnson]

And were you wrestling a little bit?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but you're definitely watching other people make decisions and you're going, that's a good one. Oh, people. Because I've done no homework. I'm just looking at the BTUs. But then people are going like, these are refurbished. They're just as good as new. And then you're paying attention to the btm. We got a banger. You did, man. Yeah, but man, it is the, the level of hot where you go, all I'm doing is just trying to get through the next 10 minutes. Oh, and just.

[Jake Johnson]

And I give you a suggestion next time it's that moment.

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Initiate romance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It doesn't exist.

[Jake Johnson]

See what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not possible.

[Jake Johnson]

And going this. I want to try something new if you're into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about sex where you loathe me?

[Jake Johnson]

She goes, I thought you said something new. I got. So I did the mythical kitchen show with Josh again. Josh from our show. He came Home. He's a killer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Such a great guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Great guy. G. Great guy. Great guest. We got to talking because it was he. He's doing a new show under their umbrella called eat your career where they. He makes different meals about, you know, different performances. And then you eat him and you talk about it. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

And there's a whole kitchen and they got the whole setup. And as I was sitting there cuz I hadn't done homework, so I was just reacting in the moment to what I was doing. I went, hey, Josh, this is crazy because we're trying to throw something like this on our own. And he goes, why? And I go, so Steve Berg obviously thinks he's a resident chef all of a sudden, which is driving me and Gareth crazy. So while just bullshitting, we decided to have a cook off. So this, right now, we're recording this July 2nd, on July 8th, we're flying Steve Berg into town. We rented an Airbnb in Silver Lake and he and Adam Oler are doing a cook off where Gareth and I are eat it and judge it. If Gareth win, if Steve wins and his food is better than Adam Moller and Adam Moler is a good chef, not a pro, but a good chef, then the show is going to finance a cookbook of Steveberg recipes where it's really just. And this is Gareth after being with a real chef talking about food. It's insane. If we do this cookbook.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why we do it.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but it's. We've entered a world of madness. I was around a guy who's a chef. You know what, he knows the history of foods.

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not a cookbook for someone who wants recipes. It's for entertainment.

[Jake Johnson]

But Steve will be like a touch of this, a squeeze of that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The way that he said he has no clue about his measurements.

[Jake Johnson]

Crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's talking about handfuls. But I mean that's like a Vikings cookbook.

[Jake Johnson]

But if he loses, he's not allowed to talk food for six months. Right. So we're doing that. We're having a lot of fun with it. We. We are doing it. I know people are going to get annoyed. They don't want to go to Patreon. That's fine. But we also are having a lot of fun on Patreon and it is for us, it is a chance we all get to be together. But I was telling Josh about it. He was laughing, we were having fun. He was talking about how he basically does that and then he goes, I was like, could we ever come here and do that with you where if he happens to beat Oler, could you go versus him on dishes? And he was like, of course. Easy. And then he goes, you know, we do a show on mythical kitchen called impostor chef where there's three chefs and one of them is an imposter. And they. I guess they cook the food and then present it to people. I almost wonder if we do that with Steve, but neither you or me in the contestants. We're just there. Or maybe he said you and Gareth could be on too. But I would. I said, we're for sure in. We can film our version of it, too. We could release both. Like, they get their version.

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But they'll do the stylized one and we'll just have a handout with a camera filming Steve's brow.

[Jake Johnson]

But this stupid little gag of ours is gonna get heightened now if Steve gets killed by Adam Ohler. You know, there's. It's. There's nothing to be done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. First of all, I don't agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I think you're right. It's better if he has a little wind behind him.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I also think Steve. The beauty of Steve is that wind is always behind him.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That would be incredible.

[Jake Johnson]

So cook off. He and Adam Moller, Gareth and I are going to be blindfolded so we cannot see whose food is what. We are going to try it. We're going to give our honest assessment of, as Steve puts it, whose house would you rather to go to to finish the meal? Not who's done a better job. Who's mixed sauces, whose food tastes better. They're going to be cooking the same dish. Final predictions. Gareth, because this is the last time we're going to be talking, and we will, in an intro, release the outcomes and everything that happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On this final prediction. Steve Berg loses. It's not a drubbing. We get drunk and decide he deserves a cookbook anyway because it's insane.

[Jake Johnson]

But you think it's going to be close?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. It could be a drubbing. I think. I think. I think it's going to be close. I think it's going to be close because I think I do. Because I think we're going to. I think we're going to be in zones where he's comfortable cooking.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about you?

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's going to be close. You're going to lean more oer.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And I am going to lean more berg. And I'm going to say, I prefer this dish. And Berg is going to go nuts. And then you are going to say to me off air, did you know it was his? And I'm going to go, I had an idea because it didn't taste as sophisticated, but if I'm also honest, I did like it more. And you'll go, I think that's fair. But it's close. And I'm like, I'm just being honest. I actually did like it. And I promise you, I'm not trying to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Adam's better. No, that's my prediction.

[Jake Johnson]

My prediction is you liked Adams, I like Steve's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I can't.

[Jake Johnson]

I can't wait, ladies and gentlemen. I can't wait either, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy some ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Tobias]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. How are you?

[Tobias]

Good. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. What's your name, please?

[Tobias]

My name is Tobias.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tobias. Definitely the show's first. Tobias. Can we get your age?

[Tobias]

Yeah, I'm 32.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are you calling from?

[Tobias]

Calling from Seattle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Seattle. Well, just because we had great success with it last time. Tobias, let's say they're making a movie about your life and you get to weigh in on the title of the biopic. What do you think you're gonna go with?

[Tobias]

Probably go with. Probably just go with. Just wing it. It will work itself out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, interesting. Has that worked out well for you?

[Tobias]

I mean, I think it has. I'm not sure though. Hopefully.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Tobias, what is going on?

[Tobias]

So I'm in pretty dire straits over here. I'm on my last pair of underwear.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so your title didn't work, Tobias,

[Gareth Reynolds]

especially with that opener. I'm on my last.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like this. Just wing. It'll work out. How's it working? Pretty good. What's your issue? I'm on my. I'm on fucking dire straits, brother. I got one pair of undies. Hey, man, don't wing it as much. Tobias, buy underpants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You buy in your name.

[Tobias]

Yeah, the issues. I'm not out of underpants. It's just, you know, all my. Oh, they're all dirty.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Tobias]

I live in an apartment building that does not have in unit washer and dryers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Jake Johnson]

I've been there. That's hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, the.

[Tobias]

It hasn't been a problem for, like, the year. So I've lived here. But lately, over the last couple of months, every time I try to go do laundry, there's dirty clothes in the washer, wet hate clothes in the dryer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is an extremely relatable issue.

[Tobias]

So and so.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you do when that happens? You just bail? You just grab your sack and go back home?

[Tobias]

Yeah, well, I don't want to touch other people's clothes. So I just get all my stuff and. And I just go back to my unit, and then I still have dirty clothes and how close an issue?

[Jake Johnson]

But, yeah, go ahead.

[Tobias]

That's it. Yeah, this wouldn't be such an issue, but I work six days a week, so I only have, like, one day to do laundry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tough.

[Tobias]

My question for you guys and. Yeah, my question for you guys is how do I get people to stop kind of treating the laundry room as their own personal washer and dryer and just, you know, get the clothes cleaned, take it out and move on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I guess real quick, just question. On the question that you had a specific culprit, right, that you thought was clogging up the. The laundry? Is that right?

[Tobias]

Yeah, yeah. It's been. I don't know for sure, like, for certainty, but it seems to be like two kind of teenaged girls who come in the day before I try to do my laundry.

[Jake Johnson]

Careful touching their clothes.

[Tobias]

Big. Well, this is part of it, right? So they Come in with, like, big, like, plastic garbage bags full of clothes, like shoes, blankets, towels. And then they leave it in there. And, you know, a dryer can't wash a comforter and a blanket successfully, like, the first run. Yeah. So the clothes in the dryer are damp. The clothes in the washer are obviously wet. And then they leave it in there for, like, multiple days, sometimes one or two days. And the whole. It's like, mildewy. It's.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Unacceptable.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I got one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a couple.

[Tobias]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

I want you to pretend to. Does anybody there know you or have you seen these girls in person?

[Tobias]

I've seen them only once through passing, and I know it was them because they're holding garbage bags full of dirty laundry.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Ryan]

But that's it.

[Tobias]

And, like, everyone kind of keeps to themselves a little bit. So I don't really, you know, I don't really talk to many people around the. Around the apartment building, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Fakes. My first pitch is fake signage from the manager that's very angry that said clothes left in dryer or washer for more than 3 hour after gets thrown out immediately in trash can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. I would even maybe. I think that's a good start. I got a bunch of little ideas, but that's a good one. Well, I would think you may want to start. It is like, that is a specific problem that could probably. Here's what I would do. I would actually. The next time you do laundry, time how long the washer is exactly. And it has.

[Tobias]

It has little timers on it. There's like, you know, like 30, 30, 45 minutes left. I would put an hour left for the dryer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would put a clock in there, and I would put a sign on a clock that says, make note of what time you put your things in the washer or the dryer. And do the math, exclamation point. Then I think what Jake's saying, once it happens again, which it might. I would put that sign up as well, and I would maybe even drop the shit off at their apartment door, if you know where that is.

[Jake Johnson]

Are the only problem people. These two teenagers.

[Tobias]

It's the only, like, confirmed because it's only been a problem kind of recently, last couple months.

[Jake Johnson]

I want you to maybe do something which I. I'm going to refer to as psycho.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm kind of going somewhere similar, but I'm curious what your version is.

[Jake Johnson]

I want you to get a folding dude sitting there.

[Tobias]

Oh, my God. I don't know if I Could do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's why. When they come in and it's been three hours, confront them and go, what the is going on with you?

[Progressive Ad Voice]

Three hours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What if we put a folding chair in there with like a mannequin or a bear on it that says this thing is watching?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, what if we put a sign that said, because of people using laundry and leaving it, this room now has cameras. If you leave your stuff, more than an hour and a half will be thrown out. If it happens more than once, you won't be allowed to use the laundry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's great.

[Jake Johnson]

And I would say cameras from management.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or you put like, you put like a bear on a shelf and you like a tissue box with, like a hole cut out, and you just put those things on a shelf in there like you are being watched. Or fake cameras makes more sense now that it's coming out of my mouth.

[Jake Johnson]

I also kind of think, Tobias, maybe what you do, and this is crazy, throw all the clothes on the ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I kind of like something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Aggressive violence.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, what they are doing is beyond. Hey, you left it in there for a half hour.

[Jake Johnson]

Just rude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I almost think you do. You just toss it on the fucking ground.

[Tobias]

My only worry about that is I don't want to escalate like, I want my clothes tossed on the ground.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're worried keeping an eye on your time. So I. Okay, all right.

[Tobias]

I said alarm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is aggressive. It's not easy to do that. So why don't you do this? Why don't you buy, like, a fake camera there? There are like, decoy cameras that are not a lot of money, and just put it up on the wall and put signs that say, oh, wait, I got one.

[Quest]

Gareth.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, because that's not to interrupt. Because I think that's the same pitch, right? So we know where that one's going. Is that correct?

[Ryan]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Why don't you put a sign up that says, hey, everybody, just heads up. I left my clothes in the dryer and I had to go to work, and I guess I left them in there too long. But somebody took a in them, so whoever took a in them, dude, you really messed with me. I'm sorry. I left them in. I won't leave them in a that long again, but please don't have bowel movements in the laundry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so funny you say that, because my weird pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was to just put, like, fake poo in there, dookie stained underwear in there when they go get it. But there's something about that. That is very. If you put a couple signs up that says, to whom it may concern,

[Jake Johnson]

I know I left it in too long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, this is.

[Jake Johnson]

Taking a bowel movement in the laundry is no solution. Now it's dirty for everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I had to throw all my things

[Jake Johnson]

out as well as I hope management clean these dryers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just kind of thinking that too. It's like if I knew someone took a shit in a washer, I would

[Jake Johnson]

not be like, I'm so sorry I left it in. It happened once. I am not the person you're mad at.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I kind of feel like there's something to the idea that, hey, it hasn't happened to you two teenage girls who leave your in here for a day. But I left my stuff in there for four hours one day because I

[Jake Johnson]

had a family emergency. Or what about Tobias? What about Tobias? To the person who sent me a threatening letter in my clothes. I'm sorry I left mine in one time. I think you're mad at somebody else. I also realize people leave their stuff in here. But it happened to me once. Please don't threaten me again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know that that tickled your fancy more. Tobias. I'm just thinking of two teenagers who don't give a about anyone. The word poop is going to grab them. I think thinking that my blankets are going to get in.

[Jake Johnson]

Or a dead rat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or what?

[Jake Johnson]

A dead rat. Whoever put the dead rat in the laundry, don't. I don't appreciate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Poop.

[Jake Johnson]

Tobias, where are you at here? What are you thinking?

[Tobias]

I could put a fake dead rat in their laundry.

[Jake Johnson]

That's interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't hate that.

[Tobias]

What do we think about that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. I like if the dead rat has a little note wrapped around it that says take your out sooner.

[Tobias]

I like the kind of like reverse. Like reverse. Like kind of like reverse psychology them into thinking like, oh, wait, I don't want that to happen to me.

[Ryan]

Also.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Tobias]

That's what we're doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For me, better the idea that. I think there's something to that. If I saw. Oh, there's like a war going on and someone's pooping in the washer. Night clock changes.

[Jake Johnson]

I got an idea.

[Tobias]

Yeah?

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Tobias, this is. This is weird, but might be an easy solution. What if you get like a tofu turkey? Throw it in their laundry.

[Tobias]

Okay. Yeah. And they go, I could do that.

[Jake Johnson]

The. There's tofu turkey everywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got an.

[Jake Johnson]

Every time. Every time you go in there and the clothes are in there. Cheese parmesan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it always Comes back to our number one cheese. But just cheese it cheesing. It could be good.

[Jake Johnson]

You. You put a bunch of cheese in the laundry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna give you a stressful pitch, okay? If it's bedding and it's in there for more than an hour and a half, because, you know, they do this all the time. Take it. Take it back to your apartment.

[Jake Johnson]

Steal the bedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take the bedding. You're now saying, hey, you live in a world. Oh, wait, if you is gone.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, Gareth and Tobias, this ain't great. And I'm already ready for and by the way, for the people who call him like, that's illegal. Remember the premise of the show?

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's guys in a bar, we've had drinks. Get out of Jake's ass.

[Ryan]

Huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, pal.

[Jake Johnson]

Nobody's in my ass, bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, buddy. They were one time.

[Jake Johnson]

Who. What you're having tomorrow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So just keep that in mind. But what about next time, Tobias? You do it one time, steal all the clothes. Because if they come back and the clothes are missing, they're going to be like, what the hell? They will never let him sit again.

[Tobias]

I. I like that. That's like. That's the nuclear option, right?

[Jake Johnson]

It's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you know what else you're gonna get away with it. There's already established cameras.

[Jake Johnson]

You're also going to be scared as hell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're going to be shaking if you got caught, Tobias.

[Jake Johnson]

Probably the most embarrassing thing in the world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why I just go, you know,

[Jake Johnson]

you don't take all. Hey, Tobias, pretend you're walking out with a bunch of clothes, okay? Let's say you're doing the thieving, okay? Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?

[Tobias]

I have these. I got. I got these people's clothes in my hands.

[Jake Johnson]

Why? Those aren't yours. Those are my daughters.

[Tobias]

Well, they leave them out. You know, I figured, hey, 24 hours. Anybody can take clothes that have been in the washroom for 24 hours.

[Jake Johnson]

Why did you figure that, pal?

[Tobias]

Well, isn't there a statute of limitations on how long clothes can be left in shared laundry rooms?

[Jake Johnson]

And so what are you going to do with my daughter's clothes?

[Tobias]

Well, you can have them back.

[Jake Johnson]

Tobias, don't do this. I don't like the stealing. I don't like the stealing for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it. If you take a trash bag in, you put the blanket in there, you cover it on some of your laundry, and you just take that. I think that's A one and done. It's not clothes, but they'll be like, what we've been doing is crazy, and we've lost a blanket. I would do a blanket. That is. My final pitch is take the blanket.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna throw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we've got good. I'm gonna give you my runner up is putting the signs in there. Let's say that I left my stuff in too long and someone pooped all over it. And that's not okay. I was busy.

[Jake Johnson]

What about throwing a Baby Ruth in the dryer?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's tough, though, because the problem is you've got. The lesson has to. The A to B has to be clear.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They have to know that the reason why they got Baby Ruth is because of the amount of time if you steal it. They know it got stolen. If there's signs that say someone's pooping on stuff, that gets left in here too long.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. I'm on notice.

[Jake Johnson]

Tobias. What you gonna do here, big daddy?

[Tobias]

I like the. I think. I think I'm not up for the stealing. I'm not gonna lie. I don't think I have Respect it. I don't think I have coinies for that. Okay, I like the. I like the sign. Like the reverse psychology aspect. Get them to think that they're gonna, you know, have either a rat or some poo in their laundry if they leave it for too long.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so then, Tobias, give us your final plan of what you're gonna do with the note. What are you gonna write? How are you gonna pull this? We got to keep you safe here.

[Tobias]

I think I'm gonna write, hey,

[Olivia]

if

[Tobias]

you leave your laundry or I'm sorry that I left my laundry in the. In the wash for a day. I had to get. I got to get pulled away for a family emergency. Please do not poop in my laundry as unacceptable. I won't leave.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tobias]

As punishment, I won't leave my laundry longer ever again.

[Jake Johnson]

Message received.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The word economy on this. I think you're going to start with to whomever pooped on my laundry, comma. How dare you. I know my stuff was in there for a long time. I got pulled away for a family emergency. That was not okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I like this.

[Tobias]

I like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So start with, to whomever pooped in my washed clothes. I'm sorry I got pulled away for a family emergency. I had to leave them in there for five hours. That was not okay. That's where we start.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, the little corn pieces were disgusted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then what we're going to do. We're going to put those signs up, okay? Put a couple of them up. And then what we're gonna do is then if you see their stuff sitting in there for longer than two hours, you're gonna today go out and buy a Baby Ruth. And to Jake's pitch, you're gonna microwave it, melt it down, and you're gonna rub it all over the blanket in there.

[Ryan]

I'm with it.

[Tobias]

I'll do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. This is what we need. Now here's how you're paying the toll.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you really gonna do this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You

[Jake Johnson]

look, it's. It's uncomfortable, but it will work.

[Olivia]

It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, it will work, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you set it up that someone's pooping in the washer and then they do it, they. They have a death wish. They need their stuff to be Ruth. So you are going.

[Tobias]

I think it's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then you're gonna rub it in there. Now, to pay the tab on this one, we want pictures of the signs you put up in the laundry facility. And for the love of God, if it comes down to nuclear roof, you know what we need? We need a video of the pre game. We want to see the Ruth and then we want to see the after.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, and I'm dying to see that note.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And by the way, if. Yeah, you're gonna listen, you have to think quick, but put a fucking time anything over two and a half hours. For people with a track record like this, they need to think their duvet got pooped in.

[Tobias]

Yeah. Should I try Baby Ruth? The dried clothes or the wet clothes? Probably dry clothes, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's up to you. It's up to you. I my think. Look, wherever they're leaving it longer, wherever you see it, wherever the hell it's in there for too long, that's where they get shitted.

[Jake Johnson]

Tobias, follow up with us, bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For the love of God.

[Jake Johnson]

Be careful, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be careful. But you got this. Don't Tobias. They're the villains in this story.

[Tobias]

Right?

[Olivia]

Right.

[Tobias]

I gotta remember.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go get him, kiddo.

[Tobias]

I appreciate it.

[Ryan]

Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. You know what Squarespace is and so do you. It's where you can build a website. You want to see how it works? Go to garethreynolds.com I love Gareth, but he is not a technically sound individual and he built that website himself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Ryan]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. How are you?

[Olivia]

I'm good. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, please?

[Olivia]

My name's Olivia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Olivia. How are you today?

[Olivia]

I'm doing good. I'm kind of nervous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, well, that's gonna. It's gonna feel like a weird conversation in no time. How old are you, Olivia?

[Olivia]

I'm 14.

[Gareth Reynolds]

14? Is this a real age?

[Olivia]

Yes, I'm 14.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know it's surprising, but cooler.

[Jake Johnson]

What gradient?

[Olivia]

I'm going into ninth grade.

[Progressive Ad Voice]

Cool.

[Jake Johnson]

Is high school at a different location than middle school?

[Olivia]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Nervous.

[Olivia]

So big change. Yeah, I'm nervous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My guess is this has something to do with the call.

[Jake Johnson]

Olivia, what can we do for you today?

[Olivia]

Okay, so my grandma car. My grandma's car stinks like

[Tobias]

right?

[Jake Johnson]

Start, Olivia. Keep going.

[Olivia]

So I get picked up by her and it's been going on for years because my dad has work, you know.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

And it's I get in there and it's like it just hits you. It's this wave of. It might be because she's an old grandma, but it's part of it, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, quickly, Olivia, give me an age for grandma. I gotta know. We talking 80? We talking 60?

[Olivia]

70. 70. I think she just turned 70.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And when you. If you were to describe the smell with as many words as possible, they can be your words. What is. What does grandma's car smell like?

[Olivia]

Wet dog, Stinky sock? Sour milk?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the Mildewies grandma house. Oh, yeah?

[Jake Johnson]

What kind of car? What does it look like?

[Olivia]

It's a Honda. I don't know the exact type.

[Jake Johnson]

That's fair. Two door, four door, huh? Two doors or four doors?

[Olivia]

Four doors.

[Jake Johnson]

What kind of fabric are the seats?

[Olivia]

Or. It's not leather. It's kind of like.

[Jake Johnson]

Understood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Understood.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but I know those are the two questions. Leather or shit. Couch is essentially it. It's a couch. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you know, when we were kids, Jake, they had that plastic sort of film over it, which was just quintessential grandma.

[Jake Johnson]

Especially when it's pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. And those little, like, parts would break and they'd cut the back of your knee just by pinching it. But Olivia doesn't have to deal with that.

[Jake Johnson]

Olivia, how many days a week are you in grandma's car?

[Olivia]

Five.

[Tobias]

Awful.

[Olivia]

Five days a week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long is the drive?

[Olivia]

About 10, 15 minutes, depending how slow she's driving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So about a half hour a day. You're sitting in milk sauce.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Temperature wise. What area of America are you calling us from?

[Olivia]

A colder. It's really hot right now because it's

[Tobias]

summer, but it's usually pretty cold.

[Jake Johnson]

You Midwest or you Northwest?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Northwest, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Wisconsin area. I mean, Minnesota area, South Dakota area. Where are we talking? North Dakota.

[Olivia]

Go to area. Like coast, west coast? Like, I'm as far as you can get.

[Jake Johnson]

Understood. Okay, say no more. Now we know exactly where you're at. And I gotta tell you, with all that water up there, that area smells. Yeah, not all the places. No, but there's a feeling. I took a hike up in Portland with Bill Bungard. We were looking at these beautiful houses, and I was like, I look at this growth on the exterior and I'm like, I bet they all have mold issues.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is. It's wetter. I mean, but this. I can, you know, it's like this smell. I can smell the smell. It's just it, it's. It's. It's bad and it sticks with you, it's not like something's rotting, but it is constant. And by the way, grandma's living in it. She doesn't know about it.

[Jake Johnson]

She loves it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Her house probably smells a little bit like Olivia.

[Jake Johnson]

Does her house smell weird?

[Olivia]

Definitely. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Olivia]

She does live with old people though, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Explain what. Explain what that means.

[Olivia]

So she lives with her two friends in an apartment.

[Jake Johnson]

The coolest thing I've ever heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is Golden Girls.

[Jake Johnson]

So she lives in an apartment, which is as cool as it gets. Are they just swinging out of that place? They got pineapples that upside down the door and just in life.

[Olivia]

Yeah, that's close. They all kind of soak up their old smell together.

[Jake Johnson]

Gross. It's like a. It's like a disgusting soup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like three mildew roombas just inhaling each other's.

[Jake Johnson]

This is actually Olivia. This call is actually you. First of all, you're doing a great job. It's a clean setup. But I got to say, it is grossing me out. What have you tried to do to get rid of some of this smell?

[Olivia]

I've opened the window. That didn't really help.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, what else?

[Olivia]

It circulates air.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but.

[Olivia]

And I've like, covered my mouth and nose and just like, pretended the smell wasn't there

[Tobias]

once.

[Olivia]

But that also doesn't work.

[Jake Johnson]

I have an idea. Olivia, what camps are you in right now? At 14 camps. Anything. Like, what are you doing this summer? Because I have a play that we're going to do, but I need an excuse. Like camp or school project. Basically, what I'm going to pitch Olivia is a version of, hey, grandma, I'm doing this project at school or with my friends, or you pretend it's for TikTok. Can we clean your car immaculately and film it for this project we're doing? And then what you do is you just fully clean it, and then when it starts to smell, you go like, hey, grandma, after cleaning it, there's a weird smell in here now. And she goes, huh? And go, yeah. Remember how clean it was? Now a week later, it's got like a mildewy smell. Maybe you should check it out.

[Olivia]

Oh, that's perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you frame it as a fundraiser, too. It's like kids do fundraisers for things, you know? But yeah, either way.

[Jake Johnson]

But then we just. We reset. Because what you can't do is we can't go to her and say, like, I've gotten really sick from your car. It'll kill a seven year old lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Tough.

[Jake Johnson]

So a lot of times on this show, we deal in shame and we shame people. Is it nice, Olivia?

[Tobias]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it effective?

[Olivia]

Yes, that's effective.

[Jake Johnson]

So what we don't want to do is we don't want to shame Grandma. She's doing a nice thing by driving you. She's living with two older ladies. She got a nice thing cooking. But that cook has a smell to it, doesn't it?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So what we got to do is we need to reset the car so that she says, too, I love it. And then you go, it smells like a new car in here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Also, it's a prime opportunity to pop an air freshener in there.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. But then once it gets bad again, you are allowed to go, I think somebody must have left a thing of milk in here.

[Olivia]

Huh?

[Jake Johnson]

It's got a funky soup smell. That's disgusting. Then she can work on fixing it. But she cannot work on fixing it. If you start with, did somebody leave a glass of milk in here? Because it smells bad. We gotta get it clean first. And that is on you as the 14 year old.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In my opinion, you have a great scapegoat in that. The Internet. Like, when I talk to my mother about stuff online, I mean, I could make up anything. You can very easily just frame this as, this is a thing you're doing. It's a TikTok thing. And she'll be like, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I have an idea, too. Hey, Olivia.

[Olivia]

Yeah?

[Jake Johnson]

Next time you're in the car, consider eating like you're going somewhere. And then when she slows to a stop, like you're eating, to go, chinese food, spill it. And she'll go, oh, it's no problem. You'll be, it is a problem. I spilled soup everywhere. Fake crying. She'll say, who cares? And you go, please let me clean your car. I'm begging you. She'll give up. She'll put up a fight. You win, Clean her car immaculately. And then ask her, does it have any smell? Have other people come in, have it. Have it a smell. So then a few people are noticing how her car smells after the cleaning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what? This does well, too. I was thinking something along those lines. What this does well, too, is it helps future Olivia because you can. Two months later, if grandma's funk is back in the trunk, you can say to her, grandma, I still smell the thing I spilled. Let me fix it. Just give me a second. It's driving me crazy, you know? But that gives you in perpetuity the ability to always be trying to clean It. Or pop a new air freshener in there that she likes the smell of. Something like that.

[Ryan]

What are you thinking? Olivia?

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go to you. We. I think we started going down a path. The new top.

[Olivia]

Now I'm taking some really good notes. This is like, immaculate. Like, yeah, I can work with this.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so then how about this?

[Olivia]

See her?

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean? You don't see her? What does that mean?

[Olivia]

I'm not gonna see her. Unless, like, she's like, oh, do you want to come hang out with me?

[Ryan]

Like.

[Olivia]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Voice was harsh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Olivia, you might. You might have to hang out with your grandma for this pitch to work. I'm so sorry to tell you the bad news.

[Olivia]

I'll take it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so now let's do this. I think we're in a zone, Gareth, where I think we're in better shape than we mostly are at this point of the call. I'm going to say this, and if you don't have it flushed out, then we're going to work on it. But, Olivia. 14.

[Olivia]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

From the northwest, about to enter high school. Grandma's got a smelly car. What are you going to do?

[Olivia]

I'm going to follow up and I'm going to. I'm going to take these. I'm going to follow up.

[Tobias]

Olivia.

[Ryan]

Olivia.

[Jake Johnson]

Olivia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just reading buzzwords. Jake. I think. Look, Jake, you just got a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

You just ran for Apollo. You just ran for politics.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I plan on making a tool, making a move and. And making it right and doing it twice and circling back. And we're gonna double check.

[Jake Johnson]

We are gonna fix grandma's car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna lower the smell. We're gonna get it smelling good again.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm doing activities, and we're going

[Gareth Reynolds]

all the way back to Washington D.C.

[Jake Johnson]

and we're gonna talk about. Olivia, what are you going to do?

[Olivia]

I'm gonna fix my grandma's car.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, how?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's

[Olivia]

advice.

[Jake Johnson]

Have we given.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you gonna be A to B?

[Jake Johnson]

What are you gonna do? Step by step.

[Olivia]

Okay, so gonna tell my grandma, oh, I got this school project, or there's this thing happening on Tick Tock, and I'm gonna be like, can I clean your car?

[Jake Johnson]

Olivia. Olivia. We're gonna do. We're gonna do a role play.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We have to.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Gareth, are you playing grandma or am I playing grandma? What works best for this situation?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Probably both are gonna have to put the hat on at some point, but you wanna start?

[Jake Johnson]

I'll do whatever you think you decide. You or me.

[Ryan]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll start and you'll refine. I'll start, show you what not to do, then you jump in and fix it.

[Jake Johnson]

Olivia, you're gonna talk to your grandma. Gareth is gonna play your grandma. Are you ready?

[Olivia]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two. Go ahead, Gareth. What were you gonna say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, just get in. Olivia, how was school?

[Olivia]

Hi, Grandma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How was school?

[Olivia]

School is good.

[Tobias]

Hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys. Guys, we're recording this in June.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gary spells come more and more.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on, hold on. Stop. Absolutely, stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've been having headaches.

[Jake Johnson]

Olivia, you need to initiate because we have to find a way to get you in that car. Correct. We have this end goal. Correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, 90. Okay, why don't you start? Let's do a phone call and a car ride and see where we go. So a quick phone call to initiate, then we'll do a car ride.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two, Pigley and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello?

[Olivia]

Hi. Hi, Grandma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, hi, Libby.

[Olivia]

I was wondering if you wanted to hang out, like, this weekend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean, hang out?

[Olivia]

Yeah, like, I don't know, bring me to McDonald's. Like old times, like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, well, I suppose I could do that, if that's something you wanted. Maybe we could get McDonald's together and eat it inside. Yeah, that'd be great. Or what?

[Olivia]

Or. Or we could get it. We could pick it up and then we could go to that park. Oh, that you always would take me to People Watch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we can go to Gibson park and eat at McDonald's and people watch. Okay, I'll come get you Saturday in my Honda. Okay.

[Olivia]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Pause. Olivia, how realistic was that call? I'm not asking you to judge. Real. Okay, so that could work out that way. Correct.

[Olivia]

That could work out.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so then we don't have to revisit. So now you're in the car post McDonald's.

[Olivia]

Grandma, this food is immaculate. Thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They just.

[Jake Johnson]

They.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They stick to their recipes and. It's my pleasure. I was so happy when you called to. To. To have some lunch.

[Olivia]

Yeah, you know, like, I was just. I'm getting old and. Oh, crap. I spilled my soda.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. Oh, gosh. Thank God you did it at a light, which means that there's. I'm not overreacting. Oh, golly. Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Oh, it really got in there.

[Olivia]

Clean it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, no, don't worry about it. It's an old car. Don't worry about it. We can just get some napkins.

[Olivia]

No, I. I feel so bad. I. I need to clean it Up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it's fine.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to call cut. Olivia, I'm going to give you a new pitch. This feels a little bit, pardon the word and a pun on this, but it feels a little messy.

[Olivia]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And I don't love it. So that is a path you could take. I think it will be effective. I want to try something a little bit different with you. Will you be Grandma and I'll be you?

[Olivia]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I just called you.

[Olivia]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Grandma.

[Olivia]

Oh, hi, sweetie.

[Jake Johnson]

How are you?

[Olivia]

I'm good. How are you?

[Tobias]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

Just quick note to guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's Southern, so I didn't know that Pacific Northwest. Are you sort of showboating right now?

[Olivia]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe jump back in, do the work.

[Olivia]

Hey.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Grandma?

[Olivia]

Yeah?

[Jake Johnson]

Can I. Can I have something strange? My friend and I. My friends and I are doing this competition where we're all filming ourselves for, like, tick tock. And we're gonna, like, clean someone's car we love and film it and see who does the best job. Is there a day, if you're okay with it, that I could come and just like, totally clean your car and I'll, like, do everything? It'll be, like, really fun for me, but just, like, the inside. Is that something you'd be okay with? It's just my friends and I are doing something fun this summer.

[Olivia]

Hmm. That sounds like a nice summer activity.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we're just trying to see.

[Olivia]

I wouldn't mind it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. So maybe I'll come by and then what we're gonna do is I'm gonna do, like, before and after pictures, if that's okay. And then we're gonna have, like, a little competition that's just like, something fun that we're doing.

[Olivia]

Okay. I think Saturday would work.

[Jake Johnson]

Saturday works for me, too. So I'll come by, maybe we'll get some McDonald's or something. Have some fun, too.

[Olivia]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Love you, gramps.

[Olivia]

Love you too, sweetie.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye, sweetie. Okay. Hey, Olivia.

[Olivia]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

You got two options now. Which one do you. Which path do you want to go down?

[Olivia]

Think filling food would be much easier, I will admit.

[Jake Johnson]

How so?

[Olivia]

Because sometimes, like, I'll have rough days at school. Everyone has rough days. And she's.

[Jake Johnson]

Of course.

[Olivia]

And she'll be like, do you want to go get McDonald's? I'm like, okay,

[Jake Johnson]

I love it. So let's do the spilling of the food rather than the drink. Would you be willing to do the fries?

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Spilling a drink is going to be a whole thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You might actually get a stink. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

You just do the fries. And then here's my only problem. I think when you say clean it, she's gonna go, no, it's fine. But you tell me, Olivia.

[Olivia]

Yeah, we'll see. I. I hope she'll be like, oh, I'd love for you to clean it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's. It's up to you, Olivia, but hearing the Jake version of it, I think if you call her, it's just. There's gonna be no Gareth.

[Jake Johnson]

She wants to do the food. We're gonna live with the food. And here. So here's what I'm gonna say, Olivia, here's what we would love for. Will you try this? Today's Wednesday, correct?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Could you try to do this food thing? This.

[Olivia]

I'm thinking about my calendar. I'm going to my friend's house. That's a problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, how about the next weekend? How about before July 4th?

[Olivia]

Or July 4th? I could do after because I'm. It's summer, so I have all these

[Jake Johnson]

vacations, you know, so how about this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Enjoy the fact that she can't do this stuff because of vacations.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Unfortunately, Jake, I have too much free time. I can't be fitting this in.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Olivia, can we do this before you go back to school?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Will you follow up with us immediately after? Email the show and let us know what happened after the spilling and if you were able to clean it. If she allows the cleaning, then just clean the car on a separate day, as clean as you can get it.

[Ryan]

Right?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Take photos of the before and after and send us those. And then when it's really clean, comment on the smell.

[Olivia]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Does that make sense?

[Olivia]

I'll do that. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then. So now let's just go back as a little memory game. Olivia 14 northwest. What are you gonna do?

[Olivia]

I'm going to spill food in my grandma's car and so I can fix the smell and clean it for her and then comment on the smell afterwards, saying, oh, my gosh, it's so clean.

[Jake Johnson]

And then when the smell comes back to grandma, what are you gonna do?

[Olivia]

I'm gonna be like, grandma, did someone spill something in here? I. I need to clean this again. I think I smell what I spilled.

[Jake Johnson]

Nope, just. Did something spill in here? Because it's got a weird smell now. Now it's on grandma.

[Olivia]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Your new job is not car wash, okay, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It also allows you to. If you pop an air freshener in there, then you're able to, you know, keep the air fresheners. You Know the air freshener stopped working. Give her a new one. You know, if she likes the smell, that might be the thing. Buy a few air fresheners and let her pick the smell. But you can then keep popping a new one in, which will cover it, I think. Yeah, in one of those little trees over the mirror.

[Jake Johnson]

Olivia, how you feeling?

[Olivia]

I'm feeling confident about this.

[Jake Johnson]

Great follow up with us. We appreciate you. You're gonna kick butt in high school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go get him.

[Olivia]

Thank you, bud. Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sweet. Jesse here. This next call is a follow up from episode 298, Sexy Baby, with Murray Bartlett. Hi. How are you, caller? Gareth.

[Olivia]

Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We know you're a follow up. That's all we know. So what's your name?

[Ryan]

Sure. This is Ryan. You may remember me from a couple weeks back. My wife keeps calling my infant son Sexy Baby.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, this was. This was wild. Now I remember the problem. What did we pitch?

[Jake Johnson]

For those who haven't heard the episode, will you retell the problem?

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, sure. So, you know, my wife tends to give a lot of people nicknames, and she went through a handful of nicknames for our infant son. He's like nine months old now. And eventually she landed on Sexy Baby to the point that that was just the only name that she would call him. Never his name. Really inappropriate. Makes everyone uncomfortable. So, yeah, called in and you guys had some great ideas. And ultimately we settled on. It was my job to create a pitch deck and explain to her how great she is at coming up with nicknames, but how terrible this nickname was. And then ultimately what we ended up doing was having a column juxtaposing things that are sexy against babies and explaining to her very visually that things that are sexy are very different than babies to hopefully drive home that point to her.

[Whitney]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so you prepped it?

[Ryan]

Oh, yeah, yeah. We made a. Made a slideshow deck and everything.

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do we evidence as far as paying the tab? What do we have from you? So Ryan sent us a deck and also a video of him giving the presentation. The presentation itself is kind of long, so I think maybe we just show the deck and he can watch.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's see the deck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would also not mind seeing a snippet of the presentation.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's have the presentation. Let's just. Let's post it on YouTube or Patreon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, presentation on Patreon.

[Jake Johnson]

Love it.

[Quest]

Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I'm going to show the presentation, Ryan, if now's a good time.

[Ryan]

Yep, perfect. Yeah, go for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, because we can go through this and see what we think. And then.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, will you take this over?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so he's done great, because the. The title page is the Babe Ruth of nicknames by Ryan. So he's starting off with a great compliment. That's page one. Page two is an ode to the magnificent nickname of my amazing wife, who we will not say her name just to be safe. Okay, so we're really starting strong. Okay, so we show the cat on the bed. Pretty little cat on the bed. The cat's name is Diego, AKA Snuggleman and D. Snugs. Great nickname. Then we've got Mom. She's nicknamed

[Tobias]

Mom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's nicknamed Crazy Lady.

[Jake Johnson]

I like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay, now we've got dad. Picture a dad. And the dad is AKA the general. Phenomenal.

[Tobias]

I love the.

[Jake Johnson]

I love Crazy lady in the general.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do, too, brother. AKA P. Dub.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm sure she's good at nicknames.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, absolutely. Niece. The lil.

[Ryan]

Great

[Gareth Reynolds]

daughter. We remember. Yeah. Chunk of chicken.

[Jake Johnson]

That works.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, totally. That was a winner. Okay, now we go. Now we're getting into the. The heart of the matter. So now we.

[Jake Johnson]

Excellent.

[Quest]

Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is phenomenal. We've shown the juxtaposition on one page here. So they sort of lay out like two pages of a book.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you, you gave a really nice mix of the definition of sexy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I agree, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Different photos of different types of sexy ladies of various undress. And it's, you know, it's a nice mix of what sexy is. And then the other page is five. Five to six photos of babies, which,

[Gareth Reynolds]

by the way, when you do see side by side, it is so jarring. Messing with my brain's wiring. A tremendous.

[Jake Johnson]

They're so different. You're like, no, should not be connected.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're showing the experience of what you and others go through when she does this, because it's. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, It's. It's hard to focus. Okay, now on the next page, we've got the note. Our infant son cannot all caps be, quote, sexy. It's mathematically impossible. Now you say to her, I challenge you to live up to your Babe Ruth of nickname status, which, mind you, was just given to her really quickly.

[Jake Johnson]

You're paying the toll, my brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God, bro. This tip is like. We're looking at the tab and we're like, I mean, I'm good to him. I didn't deserve that much. Now the next page is Jake and I, and it says. It says, these two totally normal and unbiased men have Recommended you pitch three to four new nicknames to them on air. So they can either choose the best new name for your son or the audience will choose their favorite of your pitches.

[Jake Johnson]

And the photo is me holding a hot dog and a hamburger and Gareth in a suit holding a cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you say you chose, obviously. Yeah. Okay. Now you've got her terribly photoshopped on Babe Ruth when he's holding a couple bats and you say, hit it out of the park, Babe. I mean, Ryan, this was excellent. Phenomenal job. Now we're proud of you. We're into it, but obviously we're ground floor investors on this project. The million dollar question is, how did your wife take the presentation? How did it go?

[Tobias]

Yeah, so I, I, I took your

[Ryan]

advice and we waited for the kids to be in bed, we had some time. I poured her a glass of bourbon, put her on the couch, and I said, look, got something important to talk about. I pulled up the presentation that you guys just looked at and I went through it, you know, just like normal. Like I said, you know, Jesse and team, they got a video of it a little bit longer. But yeah, she was receptive. You know, her actual, actually her one point of feedback was that my definition of sexy didn't actually include a man in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She noticed that.

[Jake Johnson]

She's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But valid, valid.

[Ryan]

So, but other than that, she kind of, I think the juxtaposition really, really was on display. And she goes, okay, you're right, let's talk about this. Right. And what it really did was it opened up a conversation for us over the next couple days of what that nickname would be. What are those possible other nicknames. But I think that it actually got into her psyche because I noticed a huge downturn in her youth, or she would catch herself doing it and she would stop doing it. And then most importantly, when she does it, it only happens in the house. It's never around people outside of the house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So like immediate, immediate adjustment, immediate change. We would like to get it out of the vernacular, but that's great. If it's just private, it's a big improvement. Huge win.

[Ryan]

Trending in the right direction.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And go ahead, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're going to ask the same thing.

[Tobias]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

You go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have we, I mean, I don't think either of us remembered the request of the on air pitches where we can weigh in or the audience can weigh in. Have we got any new pitches in the direction of what we replace Sexy Baby's nickname with?

[Jake Johnson]

That's correct.

[Ryan]

Yeah, so we do.

[Tobias]

So she.

[Ryan]

She had to think about it because, you know, obviously, you know, these things take some time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Ryan]

But these are the following names that she came up with as suggestions. And it's either like, you know, a selection of one of these or, you know, even, you know, possibly, you know, other suggestions on top of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She didn't want to come on the show and pitch them, though.

[Ryan]

Well, honestly, she probably would have.

[Tobias]

She would.

[Ryan]

She was like, are they gonna call me? I was like, I don't know, man. I'm not in charge of the show.

[Jake Johnson]

We might. We might later. But let's see where we're at right now. So let's hear the. Yes.

[Olivia]

Yep.

[Tobias]

So.

[Ryan]

So the first one she came up with was Dapper Dude.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. Dapper Dude. Okay,

[Tobias]

good, good.

[Ryan]

Yep. Broski. Which is actually, like, you know, she kind of will use this occasionally, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't hate Broski.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, by the way. I'm not gonna hate any of these, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

You got Chunk of Chicken. You got Crazy Lady. You got the General. You got Broski, Crazy Ladies.

[Ryan]

All solid names for sure. And then the third one that she had was. Was Captain Handsome. Similar to Sexy Baby, but, you know, not as different.

[Jake Johnson]

Different.

[Ryan]

Yep. So right there.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you've got Dapper Dude, Broski, Captain Handsome. I'm gonna tell you, I don't like Captain Handsome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's my least favorite. I don't. I get it. It's a. Listen, I mean, again, this is.

[Jake Johnson]

She's a bit of a drug addict.

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And I don't want to switch from heroin to acid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, though, the problem with Captain Handsome becomes. And I'm not saying this is gonna happen, but what if, you know, the kid gets less adorable? Then you got the Captain Handsome. You know what I mean?

[Ryan]

True. It doesn't carry through long term either.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, it'll be our age at some point.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think we're looking at Dapper dude versus Broski. Ryan, how do you feel about those two?

[Ryan]

I like those. I think they're both totally viable names.

[Jake Johnson]

And these are names she picked because I don't want to pitch new stuff. Gareth. Because I want her as the Babe Ruth of nicknames to be important.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

So of. Of those two on this call, does anybody have a top or where are we at?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you and I have different tops, but I'm good with either.

[Jake Johnson]

What's your top?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dapper Dude.

[Jake Johnson]

Ryan, what's your top?

[Ryan]

I. I like Broski just because it's, like, one name, but Dapper dude is the alliteration it's got going on.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, Dapper Dude. Broski. So I think both of these are really going to work. Here's what I would ask the audience. Comment on wherever you do it. Spotify or YouTube, I think those are the only things you can comment on these days. Hulu, I'd let you comment Patre and Patreon and then let's honestly have you back on. And when you're back on, Ryan, what we're going to do is we're going to have your wife on too. And Gareth and I are going to read the comments together.

[Whitney]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, and she's going to make the call. We'll pull up a YouTube. So everybody, even if you don't watch on YouTube, just actually do this on YouTube so that we're not going from Spotify to YouTube. Even if you don't watch on YouTube, go to YouTube for this episode and just comment in the section.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so we're going to say that that's the voting booth.

[Jake Johnson]

The voting booth, just to keep it clean is going to be the YouTube. And for people like, I don't watch on YouTube. Well, guess what? Neither do I. But you can go on YouTube.

[Tobias]

Go there.

[Jake Johnson]

And what we would like is if you have one, what would be ideal is you could either just say dapper dude or Broski, if you feel strongly, give us a why. Because we are going to be reading these to the Babe Ruth, the nicknames, and then she is going to make the final call. Ryan, are you comfortable with that?

[Ryan]

I think that that's fair. I think that she does get the final say, but I think she needs the information from the audience and from us.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, great. Phenomenal.

[Jake Johnson]

Phenomenal. This feels like a very good close to a huge win. And we are. We are right there. And I think on the bell, the audience. Similar to what's going on with the kidney world, the audience is really stepping up. So we're gonna rely on the community again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Town has always been a democracy. What's that? This is a lot like the kidney. Yeah, it's very similar.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Tobias]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Similar stakes. So we are going. So we are going to follow up with you after this one airs. We'll do it pretty soon. So as soon as you hear it, guys, comment with the y2. That'd be helpful. And then all of us together are going to be talking to the wife. Your words, us being there. And then at the end of it, we're going to say, what is the nickname of this child.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But let's just say again, Ryan, you paid the tab beyond.

[Jake Johnson]

You're goddamn ready, dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well done. Way. And also way to go. In the actual execution of doing it for a one on one. Because that's.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's easy to leave this call and go, all right. And then you're like, oh, fuck, I got to do a PowerPoint for my wife.

[Jake Johnson]

But you did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you did. You crushed.

[Ryan]

We had fun. It was a beautiful idea. Brought us closer together. It all worked out well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It did. This is ideal. So way to go. And we'll let you know.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm excited. I'm truly excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So am I. Yep. This is great.

[Ryan]

Thanks, guys. Appreciate you.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Quest]

Hi, this is Quest. Been listening since season one. I'm actually catching up now. I think I just finished 303. Keep going through all of those. This little voice note is for our lovely little fans that keep commenting about the cold open and the leave a toll, leave the tab, whatever. It's an F. It's an F. Okay. The world is going into the shitter and this is what we're focused on. Like, let. Let our boys do their stuff. They let everybody pay the toll, pay the tab, whatever. Everyone's getting free advice. And I mean, a lot of it's going well. Well enough for them to get a bell. So I say let it happen. And for my cold open haters, please, please stop. I like it. I don't want them to take it away. It adds to the bar vibe. Two guys catching up. Honestly, it adds a little bit of heart, you know, like, Garrett's on the road, Jake's on the road.

[Olivia]

Let them.

[Quest]

Let them talk a little bit more. Okay? Let them get caught up with one another and then we all just listen to it for free. And then also, if you problem with the ads, skip them. It is okay. If you can't pay for the skip, then you got other problems. But for the haters, please chill out. This is a highlight of my day and it's been along with me for so many years. And I am definitely one where I'm not the best of change. So I understand how change can be a lot, but it's all in good fun. So hope you guys are having a great day and love ya. Bye,

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody. Check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early and there's also back catalog episodes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. So we're here to help. Is now on Hulu a day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're Dropping those from season one and season two. Just join us. Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

[Quest]

Reynolds.

[Jake Johnson]

If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Cross Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdyke. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Whitney]

That was a Hitgum podcast. Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and the Lexan, AKA the Popcorn Queen and King.

[Ryan]

Hey, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family.

[Whitney]

As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[Whitney]

That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important. Healing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load.

[Whitney]

If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate at a R a n a krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being such an incredible community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And thank you for always being there to help.

[Whitney]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sterling K. Brown.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Whitney]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[Quest]

This is us.

[Ryan]

That's right.

[Whitney]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we gon. Yes, a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man.

[Progressive Ad Voice]

Listen to that Was Us on your favorite podcast app.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or watch full video episodes on YouTube

[Jake Johnson]

or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.