310: Occasionally Fartzan & Ripoff Artist

Summary

We're Here to Help — Episode 310: Occasionally Fartzan & Ripoff Artist

Date: July 27, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Podcast Description: Each episode, Jake and Gareth – more comedic best friends than trained advisors – field calls from strangers seeking advice on issues ranging from silly to serious, armed with nothing but irreverence, honesty, and many, many bits. This episode features classic riffing, heartfelt advice, recurring bits, and absurd but often thoughtful approaches to real listener dilemmas.

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Episode Overview

Episode 310 dives into classic "We're Here to Help" territory: navigating unusual social dilemmas and resolving misunderstandings with a comedic touch. The hosts handle:

• A marital standoff about who should fart first
• A wrestling referee seeking forgiveness for breaking an unwritten backstage rule
• A dramatic follow-up from a previous caller uncovering covert racism at work

Throughout, tongue-in-cheek banter, running jokes, and layered advice keep the conversation lively, while sometimes genuinely insightful moments shine through.

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Key Segments & Insights

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1. Catching Up & Press Tour Antics (00:43–08:08)

• Jake recounts his recent press tour for "The Dink Apple's," noting an unexpected resurgence of elaborate press obligations:

  “I thought these kind of press tours were done. I was everywhere.” — Jake Johnson (01:03)

• Gareth praises Jake’s talk show game, shares recorded commentary from Pam on Jake’s appearance, and jokes about Jake’s self-deprecating humor:

  “We watched the Seth Meyers one on a loop...You were great and self-deprecating.” — Gareth Reynolds (01:41) “His sideboards, they were nicely shaped.” — Pam (06:43)

• Ongoing friendly beef with Lamorne Morris (New Girl). They escalate their "feud" for comedic effect, mentioning fake allegations and in-jokes being taken to national platforms:

  “Our enemy as a community...is Lamorne Morris. His little show that I believe is off the airwaves.” — Jake (02:16) “We are doing these stupid jokes on real press. Our bit is getting out of control.” — Jake (05:20)

Notable Moment: Gareth plays a voice memo of Pam evaluating Jake’s handsomeness and hair (“very handsome, yes” – Pam at 07:00).

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2. Caller #1: Sam — The Fart Standoff (12:00–28:53)

The Setup

• Sam from Stevens Point, WI, calls about her husband of 10 years, who refuses to fart in front of her. She hasn't been the first, waiting for him to "break the seal."

Key Discussion Points

• Sam wants a more relaxed, natural home environment. She resents holding it in and sometimes blames the dogs.
• Jake and Gareth joke about the man’s strict “gentleman” code.
• Gareth pitches a "fart cap" (an allowable quota). Jake pivots to a bolder solution: Sam should “fart with direct eye contact,” establishing dominance and breaking the taboo.
• They riff on turning it into a game: “Fartzans.” Make farting competitive; whoever responds in kind gets "rewarded."

“Why don’t you fart in front of him…with direct eye contact. Assert dominance.” — Jake (18:12)
“Wink at him after and say, ‘You in the jungle, baby.’” — Gareth (18:41)
“Once you guys are in a whole new territory, you’re Tarzan — you’re Fartzan.” — Gareth (22:10)

Advice Summary

• Sam likes the “challenge” approach and is considering directly initiating. If she leads, perhaps playful competitiveness will coax her husband.
• They encourage her to record audio of her attempt for a future update.

Memorable Exchange

• (23:53) “Hold his hand before you do it, look into his eyes...let it rip. I love you.” — Gareth, acting out the scenario
• (25:19) “What I like about where we are is that it’s a moment...and you’re hoping you survive. And you take his hand, you let it go with eye contact, and you say, I love you.” — Gareth

Resolution: Sam agrees to try and promises to report back.

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3. Caller #2: Dan — The Ref Who Owes $50 (29:18–52:12)

The Setup

• Dan from Buffalo, NY, is a wrestling referee who broke a backstage code: he let his kids in without paying and tried to square the cost by refusing his fee. The promoter, Mikey, was irked, hasn’t booked him since, and won’t reply to messages.

Key Discussion Points

• The unspoken rule in wrestling: don’t “mess with the money.”
• Gareth’s initial pitch: enact a live, comedic “apology match” at a future show, involving the wrestlers and a staged tussle.
• Jake feels this might be too much for the context, especially as Dan isn’t currently invited to Mikey’s shows.
• The consensus shifts toward a hybrid approach: send Mikey the money (Venmo/PayPal, more than owed as a gesture), then ask if he'd like to spin the story into a playful in-show redemption angle.

Potential Storylines (from 44:00)

• The “Ripoff Artist” persona: Dan gets called out in kayfabe (wrestling storyline) as a “crooked” ref, eventually gets “fired” and then publicly begs forgiveness (with tongue-in-cheek overacting), possibly earning reinstatement.
• Make the missing money a running thread through the show, culminating in Mikey exposing Dan.

“You have to get on your knees the way they do in wrestling and beg...either he allows you to come back or kicks you out. And if he kicks you out, you will accept your fate.” — Jake (46:04)

“What if you show up, pay for your ticket, give him $100 and say, ‘What happened last October really has been eating me up...From a friend perspective, here’s what I owe you, plus extra...Could be funny if you banned me for bribery...and then I’m back in.’” — Gareth (44:46)

Resolution:
Dan loves the idea, plans to reach out to Mikey with the offer of restitution and the option to add a comedic, public storyline to clear the air. He promises to send updates and video if it happens.

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4. Caller #3: Santos — Racist Cookiegate Revealed (52:15–63:54)

Background

Previously, Santos shared that a coworker consistently refused to eat baked goods made by Santos’ wife, fueling suspicions of some personal animosity.

The Update

• Santos staged an "experiment" with the help of a white coworker: both bring cookies. The suspect refuses Santos' cookies but stands for the white coworker’s.
• Peers jokingly call him out, referencing the “allegations of being racist.” The man laughs but takes the cookies.
• Santos later learns the coworker made a derogatory racial comment about him riding a scooter:

  “He just said, oh, look at that little beaner. Like on the scooter, you know, little jumping bean on the scooter.” — Santos (57:47–57:58)

Hosts’ Reactions & Support

• Jake and Gareth are stunned by the layers (the man is also Mexican).
• Gareth jokes about the universality of good food, even in bigoted contexts.
• They offer darkly comic “revenge” ideas—like lacing cookies with laxatives—but settle on solidarity and commiseration.
• In the end, they construct a sentimental “bar scene” metaphor, giving Santos a symbolic $100 and sending him off with warmth.

“Sometimes this is a feel good show and sometimes it’s just detectives doing detective works and getting to the bottom of it. And you lift up the rug and you see a bunch of bugs on this one.” — Jake (59:57)

“You know what this is, Santos? ...We’re ending the night ... you walk out sad, and we go, Santos had to deal with the racist Mexican about him being Mexican, and that’s sad. But also, thanks for paying the tab.” — Jake (60:25)

Resolution:
Santos has left his job, but the hosts rally to show him support and camaraderie, even as the “bell rings” on a sad note.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• The Pam Segment:

  “His sideboards. They were nicely shaped. Yeah.” — Pam (06:43)

• On the Fart Standoff:

  “You change the dynamic from a gentleman and a lady sipping tea...to two animals in the jungle.” — Jake (19:25) “Hold his hand before you do it, look into his eyes...let it rip. I love you.” — Gareth (23:53)

• Ref Advice:

  “Mikey is going to make an announcement to everyone there that $200 is missing from the cash box... A third through the show, Mikey pieces together – it’s $200 exactly. The fucking ref took it.” — Gareth (47:59)

• Santos' Bell Ring:

  “It’s a bell ring, but it’s a sad ring. Yes.” — Santos (60:05)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Press Tour Catch-Up / Opening Banter: 00:43–08:08
• Caller #1 (Sam, fart standoff): 12:00–28:53
• Caller #2 (Dan, wrestling/repayment): 29:18–52:12
• Caller #3 (Santos, workplace microaggression): 52:14–63:54

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Closing Thoughts / Takeaways

This episode stands out for its deft blend of toilet humor, emotional honesty, and uniquely empathetic (if unorthodox) problem-solving. The hosts’ ability to find earnestness beneath irreverence remains their calling card, and their penchant for memorable bits – from “Fartzans” to wrestling redemption sagas – helps listeners feel part of a larger, laughing community.

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If you only have time for highlights:

• The “direct eye contact fart” debate and “Fartzans” concept (18:00–24:00)
• Wrestling story roleplay and redemption plan (44:00–51:00)
• Santos’ jaw-dropping cookie story denouement (57:30–60:00)

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For listeners: If you’d like advice or want to join in, email [e-mail]. New episodes drop early on Hulu, Sundays and Tuesdays.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast. And we are back. What's up, G man?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Update us because Cat Reitman, by the way, people should check out. Cat and I are, you know, doing some Fridays every now.

[Jake Johnson]

People are loving it, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But she said on a group text yesterday you were her algorithm. I wouldn't go that far, but I mean, you were out there.

[Jake Johnson]

I was. I did an old school press tour for the Dink Apple's. No joke. They really. I thought these kind of press tours were done. I was everything. I was pushing and I got to say, lot of chatter about our podcast now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll get to that and let me spread in gr. Let me say, and I mean this, okay. As a. As someone who has wanted to be in entertainment his entire life, grew up watching talk shows, evaluating the performance of the person on the talk show.

[Jake Johnson]

Same.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're very good at it.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, pal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I told you. Pam and I watched the Seth Meyers one on a loop. We watched your Daily show. We watched your Today show. Oh, you.

[Jake Johnson]

You've been into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stalking. But you didn't keep repeating.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I'm trying to make new stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you were great and self deprecating. Very. All that stuff. But also I haven't talked to you a lot about the day. It made me be like, I really want to see the Dink. So you did it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Totally.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'll tell you what I did do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And I. This is something I'm proud of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Talk to me.

[Jake Johnson]

Our enemy as a community, we have one enemy. It's Lamorn Morris. His little show that I believe is off the airwaves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were cleaning up some messes out there for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

The morning after podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're now le. Mourning its loss.

[Jake Johnson]

Us and nobody else

[Gareth Reynolds]

there.

[Dan]

He.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he went out and depressed and he kind of dropped landmines. Yeah, yeah, he dropped landmines around and

[Jake Johnson]

going so much harder than I was going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he said that you weren't doing the new girl reunion. Doing new. First of all, I hate the fans.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I was. I had said that about him first and then. But he said because I'm a street corner flasher.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he also said today's show. He also said you're having an affair with Jennifer.

[Jake Johnson]

And he did that on multiple ones.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Then he said on a real interview, I think it was for people. Jake Johnson claims to have had an affair with Jennifer Lopez. And he's got photos and when he shows me, it's just nudes of himself. So I'm like, you are the dumbest person on planet Earth. I was not planning on using this press tour for him. The Today show, you don't do any pre interview. So I don't know what they're going to be talking about.

[Whitney]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's morning, so I'm trying to be, you know, as respectful to the format as possible. Yeah, I was actually there. Check out tmz. There was an intruder who broke in and went after Al Roker. And Craig, the host, subdued him. I saw the whole thing.

[Pam]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Craig's a beast, by the way. Craig's the real dude, man.

[Santos]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Craig could have kicked his ass. I heard it first. I heard like, hey, hey, what are you doing? You can go to. And I thought, oh, someone's about to get their ass kicked. And then I looked up and it was Today Show Craig. And what I really thought was, don't let these cameras fool people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Well, let's be honest, though. Roker sat there.

[Jake Johnson]

Craig Roker wasn't. Craig protected Roker. Roker wasn't even near it. It never even got close to ar. But. So I am about to go on in the. One of the segment producers said, don't bring it up. And I was like, that's.

[Santos]

Oh, man.

[Jake Johnson]

You just for me. Ah, killing me. You're killing me. I want to talk about Craig being a hero. Not all heroes wear capes forever.

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So we're doing the interview, tugging pickleball. It's all fine. It's fun. Then they go, do you mind if we show you a little something from Lamore? And they. While I'm on the Today show, therefore, I have to watch clips of Lamar talking trash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. With a straight face. Like you said, he sells it pretty well. He's not like, being affable. He's like, I'm upset about it.

[Santos]

He hates.

[Jake Johnson]

I will. I will say, and our community knows this, but this is becoming my favorite running bit that maybe I've ever been a part of. We are doing these stupid jokes on Real Press.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I was at the Today show. There was a group people watching. I'm yelling about how Lamorn Morris has three kidneys and won't donate them. And I'm like, it finished. And I'm like, me and this fool are getting lost in the sauce.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not for those of us who've been in on the whole thing. It's like the ear. It's like, you know, Jason kid used to, like, wipe his chin every three throws.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly.

[Dan]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We see you, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

For. For our show. For the morning after, for this podcast universe that he and I are intertwined. And I was like, with. Our bit is getting out of control.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, let. I. I want to hear any more you have to say. But I will say, like I said, Pam and I watched everything.

[Jake Johnson]

That's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I did yesterday secretly record her. And I'm not trying to do this regularly, but I did get a recording of her opinion because she was talking earnestly, and I was like, I gotta restart this and start recording. So this is. But you think Jake's good at the press?

[Pam]

I think he's very good, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did he have a haircut?

[Pam]

Did he have a haircut?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he'd had a haircut, you think?

[Pam]

I thought his hair looked nice. I like his sideboards. They were nicely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

His sideboards.

[Pam]

Yeah. You know those things that you men have. Yeah. And they were nicely shaped. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you think he's handsome?

[Pam]

I think he's very handsome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth, you think Jake's handsome?

[Pam]

I think Jake's a handsome chap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very handsome, I would say.

[Pam]

Very handsome, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You did see on there how he said he was. He makes fun of his body and stuff.

[Pam]

Yes. But I. I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that just endearing, really, because he's handsome and he pretends he's not handsome.

[Pam]

Well, I think he's. He's funny and handsome and detracts from anything else. And he's sitting down. You can't see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So his body's hidden a little.

[Pam]

Anyway, I don't think he is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm recording this.

[Pam]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm recording this. We're gonna. I'm gonna plan on. We need it for an intro tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah, but that's. That's good. You know what he said the other day on air? What? He wants to sleep with you, Garrett.

[Pam]

Well, he. I think.

[Jake Johnson]

What did she say at the end?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She. I stopped it because I was like, what am I doing here? But she basically. She basically was like, oh, well, he wouldn't. Wouldn't like it at the end of the day.

[Jake Johnson]

But, hey, Pam, don't tell a dog what he wants in his bowl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okie dokie. We're done here.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody. Enjoy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me say Quickly, my movie, July 28, North Hollywood, and it's going on tour across the country, like, 12 cities.

[Jake Johnson]

Do not give us this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Give it up for film dot com. Jake's in it. Giveitupfilm.com or my website, GarethReynolds.com and without further advertisement.

[Jake Johnson]

Enjoy the ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Pam]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Sam]

Hi, how are you? I am great. How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we get your name, please?

[Sam]

My name is.

[Jake Johnson]

Where are you calling from?

[Sam]

I am calling from Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

[Santos]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

You know where that is, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I sure do.

[Jake Johnson]

Jump in, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is your intro and Steven's point is. Steven's point, as we call it. What. What's the biggest city that's close to. It's north of Milwaukee.

[Sam]

Yeah. Wausau, I guess. But that's not even that big of a city.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's not, but I know you're talking about. What do you do out there, Sam?

[Sam]

Drink, obviously. I'm from Wisconsin. No, I'm just kidding. I am. I'm an underwriter and an insurance underwriter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. No wonder you drink. What are you drinking?

[Sam]

I'm a big fan of like a sour beer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ugh. No judgment, but yuck. Sam, do you go. Do you hang out at the bar? A lot of judgment. Pure judgment. Sam, you hang out at the bar a lot. Are you, like, kicking it in the bar?

[Sam]

Not really. No.

[Santos]

You're not.

[Sam]

No, I'm. I'm pretty. I'm getting pretty old now and like to be at home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How old are you roughly?

[Jake Johnson]

36.

[Sam]

I'm 33.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God, even worse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me, when I go to Milwaukee, boy, am I hanging out in the bar.

[Jake Johnson]

When you hear 33, the first thing I wouldn't say is me. Sam, go ahead with your 33, me with this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just please stop talking.

[Jake Johnson]

Sam, what's your issue today?

[Sam]

Okay, so my issue is I have been with my husband for 10 years. We've been married for four, and he still will not fart in front of me.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you've been with your husband 10. 10 years, married for four. He won't fart in front of you. Do you fart in front of him?

[Sam]

No, because I feel like he should be the first one to fart. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is really a. You want to open it up?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we. We got to get to those questions. I think you're right.

[Sam]

Him far in front of me so that I can. Yeah, he says that he won't fart in front of me because he's too much of a gentleman to do so.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me ask you a question, Sam. Why do you want to open this Pandora's box?

[Sam]

Because, like, sometimes you just have to fart, and I don't want to be the first one to do it. And like, I'm not trying to, you know, fart in front of him constantly and be thinking up our house constantly,

[Dan]

but sometimes you just get a little

[Sam]

gassy and you want to be able to fart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just want to remind you this.

[Sam]

So Wisconsin not have to leave the room or anything.

[Jake Johnson]

And so here's my question for the last decade. What happens when you need to pass gas, Sam? Let's say you're sitting until watching your favorite show or your favorite movie and you feel one coming. What do you do, Sam?

[Sam]

Well, I've gotten pretty good at knowing when they're going to be quiet enough to do it. Otherwise. I have blamed it on our dogs on occasion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So the classics. So. So you are cutting and then dog blaming.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And how about him? Yeah,

[Sam]

I have no idea. I don't.

[Jake Johnson]

Crazy. He doesn't ever like a fart in the middle of the night or in bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those don't count.

[Sam]

I mean, I've. I've heard him. Yeah, exactly. That doesn't count. I have heard him fart in the middle of the night. Or like, you know, if. If he's in the bathroom and I'm in the next room, you know, I can hear it then. But that doesn't count.

[Jake Johnson]

And so walk me through this, Sam, because before I can pitch, I'm just trying to understand where you're at. What you. What would you ideally like to happen? You would like to be sitting on the couch and get him to fart in front of you? So that you can occasionally fart and just take away. Like you want to just break the seal.

[Sam]

Exactly. Break the seal.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Gareth, where you at on this one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's tough. I. This is a tough one. Obviously. We've got to come up with some way. My. I have a couple ideas Sam has.

[Jake Johnson]

Have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you ever, like, talked to him openly? I'm not going to pitch that. But I'm just curious when approached what his reaction is, what his fear is.

[Jake Johnson]

No, fear just doesn't.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Santos]

I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just unlike him.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Sam]

He's too much of a gentleman. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And a gentleman does not fart in front of a lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Apparently.

[Jake Johnson]

Apparently.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going to.

[Sam]

I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My first instinct is that Sam pitches him on a weekly fart cap. Just because maybe his thinking is this is going to get out of control. And so maybe you say we're allowed one a day in the open and you sort of like you. You start there. And my other version is crazy. I have two ways we could slice it. And I don't want to go to the zombie bank, but if you let him know that you've acquired new information either about you specifically or from society at large, that holding it in is pretty damaging. And you might feel you're talking pickling up. Don't just jump in so hard. But I am. There is a part of me that I don't want.

[Jake Johnson]

But they're dead, babe. Sam, I. We're not. We can't go piggly mo. I know you're dying to do it, but they're dead. But Sam, let me throw something out at you another direction. Why don't you fart in front of him?

[Sam]

Just fart in front of him first

[Jake Johnson]

while making direct eye eye contact. And so every dominance. Yes, that's exactly right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Call him a

[Jake Johnson]

say do one back. You little boy. Fart and look at him and go like this. You've been challenged to take your little white gloves off. You gentlemen, it's time to enter the animal kingdom. Are you a man or not?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, you got to do. You gotta wink at him after and say, you in the jungle, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you in the jungle. You a little gentleman in the jungle. But I'm a wild animal. Direct eye contact, wink and go. And I don't think you got the stones to do it back. You gotta go hide in a little box, you baby boy. Because what right now he thinks he's being a gentleman, but you gotta let him know you're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Scale of 1 to 10, how serious are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Right now, I started at a two, and now I'm at a six and a half, seven.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's basically what happened to me. I've. I started with, let's have a laugh, and now I'm kind of like, why just hit a homer?

[Jake Johnson]

I. I started with, I don't know. And now, honestly, Gareth, I think direct eye contact, you change. You change the dynamic from a gentleman and a lady sipping tea with white gloves on to two animals in the jungle. And then, guess what? Here's what you got to do after the farts. Animal sex, okay?

[Santos]

And then, I mean, you go.

[Jake Johnson]

He goes, because the reason you don't want to fart in somebody is you don't want to take away that romantic spark and just be like, two friends sitting in a room being like, well, I think it's from something I drink. Like, if you're sitting with a buddy watching a game, and you're eating and they burp, it's so disgusting that you're like, the idea of me having to be in bed with you. Intimately. You're disgusting. Now, we all know our lovers do that. We're humans. We're the human animal, but we want to pretend we don't. So if you're training him that you don't know why, but him opening up in this way has allowed you to unleash a new version of animalistic intimacies. I think we're entering a world here. Saying that we're taking you guys from Wisconsin and dropping you off deep in the outback or the rainforest here in the jungle.

[Sam]

That. That's certainly an idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Sam, where are you at? We've given you some ideas. We need you to talk a little bit.

[Sam]

I like them. I'm just worried. I'm not sure that it's, you know, just that he's worried about losing the romantic spark because we've been together forever and we've done other growth things. Like last year, he had a really bad foot injury because I dropped a fridge on his foot, and I had to, like, change all the bandages every day. And that was, like, really gross. And so, like, I think we're well past the, you know, honeymoon, everything is beautiful phase. But I do like the idea of staring him directly in the eye, winking, and then maybe rewarding him afterwards, and

[Jake Johnson]

then saying, when you do it back, I'll reward you.

[Sam]

Yeah, that's. That's a good way to put it.

[Jake Johnson]

And then, you know what I would also do, Sam? I would challenge him. This is going to be so hard, but this Will break it to when he farts. You're asking him to make eye contact with you and wink after, just like you did. And I'm going to tell you why it's going to be so embarrassing if that happens once you guys are in a whole new territory,

[Dan]

because I don't

[Jake Johnson]

know if I could pull that off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you've made a hut in the jungle. You ain't going anywhere. You're Tarzan's. You're Fartzan.

[Sam]

That's our house now. Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Do anybody who likes fartzans. We just had different points of view.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't like it, and I said it. Don't put that. Don't put that on the top 10 acting like that.

[Jake Johnson]

I am.

[Dan]

I am.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, not crazy. Listen, listen, listen, pal. Not everything's a single. Some stuff's for the album.

[Jake Johnson]

You.

[Sam]

You.

[Jake Johnson]

Your response won the moment. I'm backing off, okay? You instantly turning on it and turned me into a puddle. I have no response.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, the.

[Sam]

The.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The time in between is sec. Nanoseconds. So they come out. You go, now it's very much like a fart. I let it rip. And I go. I don't know what it's gonna be

[Jake Johnson]

like, by the way. You are right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? Here's the truth, Sam. I really do believe in this direct eye contact and a wink thing. And after you do it, he's going to be floored and go, I'm asking you to do it back. And I want you to think of Fartsan,

[Sam]

okay?

[Jake Johnson]

And then he goes, and you go, it's called Fart Zan. It's like Tarzan, but for farts. You're supposed to make eye contact with your lover and fart and wink. And if they respond and do it the same way, you have a more intimate relationship. So I'm playing Fartsman with you.

[Sam]

Yeah. And it'll only bring us closer.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm asking you to play it back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I. Can I add. I think we're in a very good spot. And there is going to be a little more to talk about after this. But I could also see a fart, a wink, and an I love you. And then the explanation.

[Jake Johnson]

Walk through that with sound effects, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so we're on the couch, we're watching something, and then it's hold his hand before you do it. Look into his eyes. He'll kind of be like, what's going on? Let it rip. I love you.

[Jake Johnson]

Your thoughts, Sam.

[Sam]

I. I like that. And I do think that, you know Kind of challenging him. Will play well with his personality. He's kind of competitive like that, so maybe that'll help.

[Jake Johnson]

So then, Sam, the other thing in terms of the competition is you could say one of the things with Fartsan is that you both, like an Olympic diver, have to judge the fart after and see who won. Sound, consistency, levels of moisture are all categories.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm. I'm gonna jump in quickly. I think we're pushing it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we can get there, but

[Jake Johnson]

we don't need to judge. Okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We don't. I think. Listen. Okay, this is a baby boy. This is a baby boy right now. This is a baby boy in the jungle. There's a lot coming at him, all right? And we don't want to hand him the machete and say, go find supper.

[Dan]

You agree?

[Jake Johnson]

You don't want to go too far. You're totally right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think. I think we got to start.

[Sam]

We're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, I. What I like about where we are is that it's a moment, and this is a big moment, and you're taking his hand like you guys are gonna jump off of a waterfall and you're hoping you survive. And you take his hand, you let it go with eye contact, and you say, I love you. And the reason I'm pitching the I love you is because you are saying intimacy just jumped to its peak with us. You'll see what he says, and then I think you'll say, look, I don't want to go crazy, but I think that's okay every now and then. And I don't think Jake's wrong in the sense that you. That later that night, after the dust settles, you maybe seal the deal with. With sex, because you're showing, hey, we're still hot. We're still into this. That happened. It's over.

[Jake Johnson]

Occasionally farts in. So, Sam, tell us what you're going to do.

[Sam]

I really do like the staring into his eyes and just farting and telling him that now it's his turn to reciprocate or try to beat it.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you, please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Jake, I've been thinking about this moment. Allow me to just.

[Jake Johnson]

Please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sam, here's what we need from you. And again, we're not trying to. This is a big moment for your relationship, and God bless.

[Santos]

We.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We love it. And the fact that you're into it is great. This is great. And I think it. It really is. It's a ripping off of the band aid, if possible. You're gonna know the night you're probably going to Want to do this?

[Jake Johnson]

You're gonna feel it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna know.

[Jake Johnson]

You're gonna go, I'm gonna do this soon. I'm gonna do this experiment about two minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what we would love is for you. And again, you don't need to hit record, because that's what I'm going to ask on an audio file. You don't need to hit record right before. But if you're two, three minutes before you think this event is about to happen, we have editors. We can edit. This is fine.

[Jake Johnson]

Voice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hit record on a voice memo on your phone. Please place it on the side, close to where you are.

[Jake Johnson]

Or hold it in your hand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or hold it in your hand. So. But don't let him see. And then I want you to. To do it.

[Jake Johnson]

And then before you do it, you have to say his name. So you got it. Like pretend is what's his name?

[Sam]

Chris.

[Jake Johnson]

So a long silence in the background. We'll hear the TV show. So you're like that. I want to hear Chris. He goes, yeah. Your turn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love you.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think she's doing the I love you. She didn't bring that up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sami, I love you. It's no pressure.

[Sam]

I'll see in the moment if it feels right.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want to respect the hell out of that.

[Santos]

Love it.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Sam, will you do this tonight?

[Sam]

I will try to do it tonight. I'm gonna have a good enough one. You know, I will do it if

[Santos]

it's acquired the next week.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. In the next week is incredible.

[Santos]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know when it's coming.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Sam, thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Sam, please do this. And please, please, Sam. Please keep us post.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Sam. We love.

[Sam]

I will do my absolute best, Sam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take James. And we love you.

[Sam]

I like you too, Sam.

[Jake Johnson]

We love you.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Santos]

Love you.

[Jake Johnson]

We love you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love you.

[Sam]

Okay. I like you too.

[Jake Johnson]

You know we love you. Say it back.

[Sam]

I love you too.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, we'll talk to you soon.

[Santos]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye, stinky.

[Sam]

Okay, bye.

[Jake Johnson]

On the under three dollar menu at McDonald's, the sausage burrito is two dollars. So dip, drizzle or douse to your heart's desire. Cause no matter how you sauce your sausage burrito, it's still just $2. With McValue limited time only, prices and participation may vary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Prices may be higher for delivery. Hello.

[Dan]

Hey, how you doing?

[Santos]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

How are you?

[Dan]

I am good.

[Jake Johnson]

Before we start, really quick question, we're talking Natalie again, which she's gonna love. Okay. Jesse, please don't let her cut this. Do you feel like when you get on a zoom, if you haven't seen somebody while. You have to start with the hellos or can you just get right to the meat and potatoes of what you're talking about?

[Dan]

You've got to start with the hellos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are you from, pal?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, on. Natalie. Natalie, your thoughts?

[Sam]

You don't need hellos with these two. Maybe other people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you do do hello other people, other podcasts. I bet you she does.

[Sam]

We have a special relationship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't that make you feel nice, Natalie? Now, Natalie, are you framing the no hellos as a. There's a level of comfort. You respect us so much. Yeah, I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, can we get your name, please?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, you know, that was the equivalent of. That was the equivalent of me putting my chin out and pointing to it.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. Can we get your name, please?

[Dan]

Sure. My name is Dan.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan, where are you calling from?

[Dan]

I am calling from Buffalo, New York.

[Jake Johnson]

Buffalo. You a big Bills fan?

[Dan]

Yeah, Very big Bills fan.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think about DJ Moore coming to your wonderful city?

[Dan]

Any kind of weapon we can get. Josh Allen is great. He's not in his prime exactly, but I will still take any kind of weapon.

[Jake Johnson]

He is so good, and I think you're gonna love him. Dan from Buffalo, what can we do for you today?

[Dan]

So I moonlight on the weekends as a pro wrestling referee, and in pro. Yeah, it is cool. In pro wrestling, there are certain rules and, like, unspoken. Like, just. What's the word I'm thinking of? When you, like, go someplace, I have to follow these customs, and it's got its own, like, unwritten rules. Yeah, exactly. Unwritten rules. Thank you. And I broke one of these, and I'm trying to fix it.

[Jake Johnson]

Please, please, give us some examples of what the rules are, and then tell us what the rule you broke is and tell us what happened.

[Dan]

Gotcha. So some great rules. You shake hands with everybody there when you arrive. So every wrestler, every production, you go around and you say hi to everybody. Just as a form of respect, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting to how we started this call that that's the first rule.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You greet people when you're about to work with them as a show as a sign of respect to them.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Dan]

You say hi and hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Say hi.

[Santos]

How are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Isn't it weird how this show works sometimes?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Like it's written. All right, Dan, keep going.

[Dan]

Some other rules. You, you know, you don't steal other people's moves if you're having a match. So if you're On a show and somebody's finisher is a stone cold stunner. You don't throw one of those in your match. You leave it for that guy who uses that as, like, his final move. And then the rule that I broke, unfortunately, is you don't mess with anybody's cash. So this promoter in the area, he has a school, his name is Mikey. He's a great guy. He is. Was running a show in October of last year, and I went to the show as a ref, was kind of. I brought my two boys with me, 11 and 8. And so they were hanging out in the seats, and I was talking with Mikey and working with him and got my match assignments, everything he did do. And at the end of the show, he comes to me and says, how much do I owe you? I say, no, we're good. My kids sat in for free today, and that was a big mistake because he doesn't let people sit for free. I was not thinking, because I worked with another promotion that's always like, yeah, your kids can come and hang out and whatever. But this was a situation where Mikey doesn't allow that. So tickets are 25 a piece. So that's 50 bucks. So basically I told him, like, you don't have to pay me. I already cost you $50.

[Sam]

Interesting.

[Dan]

And so I want to be able to give him that money back maybe a little bit more. But I wanted to do it because it's pro wrestling in a way that would be fun and interesting and kind of over the top.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting, interesting. Okay. But just a little bit of context for me. So when you. When you said that my kids were there, what was his response?

[Dan]

He was kind of taken aback. He was like, oh, oh, okay. And then I messaged him after to apologize, and I have not heard from him since.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this was last October. You've worked with him since then?

[Dan]

No, he has not messaged me. He has not hired me. He's done no sort of outreach to me.

[Sam]

Ooh.

[Jake Johnson]

So you think you might have blown it?

[Dan]

I think I might have blown it, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this. And now this. You're saying you work with a couple of promoters. Is this affecting your bottom line overall, because you don't have these gigs?

[Dan]

No, no, this is more of a hobby. So I'm not getting paid a lot of money.

[Jake Johnson]

Just having fun.

[Sam]

Great.

[Dan]

It's just fun. Just having fun. But no, I work with promotions kind of throughout. I go to Syracuse, I go down to Jamestown, I go Pennsylvania. I'm all over the place. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

This Is interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, how many. How many people go to these sort of shows, Dan? Like, what's the rough attendance?

[Dan]

Depends on the promoter. This guy Mikey will get probably about 150. The other promotion I work with will get probably about 500.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so Mikey's a little bit smaller. You brought your kids. He was going to pay you. You were going to make around 50 bucks. And you said, hey, were even. And you could tell he was like, what the fuck? And now you're looking for a way to give him at least the 50 bucks back.

[Dan]

Yes and no. I would only have been paid probably about 25 or $30 at most for the show. So I really. What I should have done is bought my kids tickets and then taken the payment of whatever he gave me and just kind of ate the difference because my kids were enjoying the show or

[Gareth Reynolds]

paid him something like.

[Dan]

And that's what I offered. I said, I'm. I'll gladly, you know, pay you the difference of whatever I owe you. I put that in my message and then again, left me on what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What kind of relationship do you have with the wrestlers? Are you. I know you say hi and stuff like that. Are you close?

[Dan]

Yeah, we're all buddies, especially the refs. We're all, well good friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then Mikey's still putting on shows, obviously, you're just not going to those. But you know people who are like, you know, wrestlers or refs who are at those shows A little bit. Bit, yes.

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Dan]

100%.

[Jake Johnson]

This one's tricky, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's tricky, but you're. You're basically. Dan, what you're asking for is a interesting, maybe wrestle type way to give him the money.

[Dan]

Yeah. At this point, I want to give him, you know, not just the 50. I want to give him like 70 to 75. I mean, I slighted them. There's no two ways about it. And I want to make that right. Throwing a little extra on top would definitely help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Sleight of hand magic. Pretend it comes out of his ear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna go.

[Dan]

You're. You're talking skills I don't have.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, go ahead, Gareth.

[Santos]

Th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This would be my pitch, and I. I don't want to leave you with a ton of homework, but it's kind of like what you're asking for is a little bit like, we do need to pitch a little bit bigger. So this is what I would pitch the next time Mikey's doing. And. And the promoters are gonna be at the events, obviously, right?

[Dan]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So next time, you know, that Mikey is going to be holding a match and you know, not only some of the refs, but maybe one of the wrestlers. You set up a thing where you're going to tell a wrestler that when everyone's showing up there early, they're doing the greetings, the glad handing, all that, you're going to show up and you want this wrestler in the ring kind of warming up. And when you walk in, you want the wrestler to say, hey, get out of here. We don't want freeloaders. And you say, I just want to talk to Mikey because of last year. And then you, the wrestler will get you in the ring and you have a quick little fake wrestle where the wrestler pins you. And then you take out your wallet and the rest and you give Mikey a hundred bucks and you say you're sorry. You know, you up, it won't happen again. But make it kind of like a spectacle and a wrestle event just for everyone there.

[Dan]

Okay? You're not talking during a show. You're talking before the show. Pre show, Pre show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Show you're not booked on, obviously, because it's one of Mikey's.

[Santos]

Right.

[Dan]

You wouldn't expect me to show up.

[Jake Johnson]

So a wrestler has to do a fake wrestling match before the night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just put him. Just put him in a hold or something a little bit more like make it feel authentic for a minute and then. What's that?

[Dan]

I can bump. I can. I can fall over.

[Sam]

I can.

[Dan]

I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're talking to. I didn't know the industry term, but. Jake.

[Dan]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake doesn't love it.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I don't know. I mean, do you. It doesn't matter what I think. Dan, where are you thinking on this?

[Dan]

So I. I don't hate it. The thing is, nobody else really knows about it unless Mikey is telling people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, maybe it's a little too public for something small.

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, I got another pitch.

[Dan]

Also, show days are very tough to kind of mess with because he has a lot going on.

[Jake Johnson]

He's got a lot on his plate. I don't think the last. I think the last thing I would want to do if I was a promoter and a guy I thought ratted me out a little bit was all of a sudden like, check this performance out. And I'm like, what are you trying to be a wrestler?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's another pitch. Another pitch is get like some spandex, get yourself in an outfit, maybe with a cape, and you're gonna.

[Dan]

Bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna. Huh?

[Jake Johnson]

This is bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna call yourself the ripoff artist, and you're gonna make a video.

[Jake Johnson]

I'd take back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You send a Mikey and you're gonna do the old school Hulk into the camera. Hey, Mikey. This is it. You know who I am? I'm Dan. I'm talking to you. But I'm actually the ripoff artist now. I know you remember last October.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. I think this is bad again, G. I know.

[Dan]

It's fun.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to stop you. This is just.

[Santos]

I let my.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Both my children in. Stop Rip junior And Rip Senior.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think there's something that could be interesting. Dan, in terms.

[Santos]

Hold on.

[Dan]

Were my kids named Rip junior and Rip Senior?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right, brother.

[Dan]

Okay. Just checking their brothers.

[Santos]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Dan, I'm going to. You do you. Are you thinking about creating a character called Ripoff Man?

[Dan]

No, I'm not. I. I can say. What would I. I. He has training sessions.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but you're a referee. You're not trained to be a wrestler. You're not looking for more attention. But you don't.

[Dan]

Do.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't want to be a wrestler, do you?

[Dan]

No, I. I started training as a wrestler about 10 years ago, and I thought you're just.

[Jake Johnson]

You just like refereeing and you want to get back to refereeing, right?

[Dan]

Yeah, I want to get back to refereeing specifically for him. Like, I have my other.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Sam]

You.

[Jake Johnson]

You just want to burn this bridge. You know, what I would consider doing is sending him. First of all, rather than asking him, get his venmo or paypal and just send him 100 bucks and say, sorry about that. It'll never happen again. If I'm out, I'm out. But I would love to come back and then go second. If you're at all interested. There could be a fun storyline to play with, similar to how, like, these things go that in the middle of a match, you come out and hit me. You know, I can bump. We're not doing this. And we just set up this really small thing that I ripped off the production and you get your revenge, and that welcomes me back in. If you wouldn't. Don't want to make it a storyline, obviously. We don't have to. Could be a really fun short thing either way, man. Would love to get back to Ruffin for you guys. And we'll never do that again. Your thoughts on that? Is that still the same thing? Too close to what Gareth was saying, where it's more trouble than it's worth?

[Dan]

No, I. I do like That I like the idea of just kind of sending it to him, being like, hey, we can do something big within the show if you want to, or you can just take the hundred dollars.

[Jake Johnson]

But I would like to do something fun with this because it was such a small misunderstanding, but I broke one of the cardinal rules and which we both know, One, don't do two, three, mess with money. I didn't think I was, but I did. So it would be fun in a way to let the audience in on this backstories, to create something where we reveal that a cardinal rule was broken by a ref. And I've been given a second chance after to the way that Vince McMahon has become such a part of the thing that Mikey coming out in a fur jacket, taking a belt off and giving you a bump in the middle of the show and then going back could really throw the audience off. And you don't wrestle back. You just get bumped to the ground and get nailed and you're all. And then he grabs a mic and goes, don't you ever, ever try to rip me off again. And that's it.

[Dan]

Yeah, I like that. That's what I'd want to. I'd want to get something like, on camera, like something bigger like that. So, yeah, that would be. That would be.

[Jake Johnson]

But you would need his partition participation in it. Correct?

[Dan]

Right. I don't want him to hit me. For real.

[Jake Johnson]

No, What I mean by that is, is you don't want to just start doing something because you're not even invited to his show at this point.

[Dan]

Right?

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Yeah. You. Again, you don't mess with cash, so you don't want to show up and just start doing things on the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly.

[Santos]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

So you need to find a way to ask him if he's willing to do with you. Is that correct?

[Dan]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So what do you think about asking him if he wants to make this a bit?

[Dan]

Yeah, I can ask him that again.

[Santos]

We.

[Dan]

We were really good friends beforehand, and then because of this, he just hasn't talked to me. So I. I feel like that would be a good way to open the door, too, because he's a showman, he loves doing this kind of stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like, what if you did this just to sort of lay the track for this? What if you go, you know, when he's doing an event, what if you show up, you pay for your ticket, you go up to him and you give him, you know, whatever you think, 75, 100 bucks, and you say, mikey, what happened last October really has been eating me Up. Just from a friend perspective, here's what I owe you, plus some extra. I was not thinking that night. Also, I have been thinking it could be funny if we wanted to make it a thing that you banned me from reffing in this league for bribery and you take it out on me in the ring and then I'm back in. And it sort of explains the absence a little bit.

[Dan]

Yeah, Yeah, I like that.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's fun. I would just literally my. My pitch to you, Dan, is I you the way to go back. Look, there's the. The straight up way, which is not our show obvious because you said you wanted fun is you just go talking. But I think what you need to do is you need to ask him if he's willing to make this a storyline.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you know, you. Sorry quickly just to pitch on the storyline if he's into it. This is how I would pitch the storyline if he's in it. You are reffing. And when you're up there reffing, you get bumped by a wrestler lightly and cash drops out of your shirt and your pockets. And then it becomes a thing that you've been accepting cash bribes for reffing. And that's when Mikey comes into the ring and says, no ref in any of my matches is going to accept money. And then they sort of tag team

[Jake Johnson]

throw you off out of the ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And then you have the redemption story at the end of that event or then you're just back in the middle.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, how about this, Gareth? I love that. What about this, Dan? Then you have to get on your knees the way they do in wrestling and beg. Be like, it'll never happen again. I'll never mess with your money again, please. When you're like kissing his feet and he'll go, in that moment, you tell him to decide if you are in or out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's great.

[Jake Johnson]

And be like, why down on me. Yeah. But you make it a whole storyline where it's for your kids, it's for your kids because it was for your kids. And then he goes like, never again. And you go, please, it'll never happen again. And then either he allows you to come back or kicks you out. And if he kicks you out, you will accept your fate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you still buddies.

[Jake Johnson]

You're still buddies and you're back and you would love to do it in front of the audience. I think that's pretty good, Dan, what do you think?

[Dan]

I. I think that's great. I think that's a very common thing. You see In. In wrestling is like the guy begging for his job or.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. But said too that the way it starts is after the match. Like when you put someone's hand up, like this money drops out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what it could be and

[Jake Johnson]

they don't know why there's money there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It could be. You know, I remember, I didn't watch a lot of wrestling, but I do remember the refs missing the calls. Like if you've missed a couple calls and the guy you're missing them on is going, what the fuck? What's going on? And then you get bumped, then the cash drops out. And then it's like.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's got to be after a match because.

[Dan]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want it. Because if you're making it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you don't want to.

[Jake Johnson]

He's got to work so hard at it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it's like, there's more. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Now the other wrestlers need to be like our matches about the. The wrestler, the ref is never the star.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

It's after a match the guy has already won. In between events like that setup time when everybody's leaving and nothing's happening before the next thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

As you are raising his hand or walking upstage, money comes off and that you just have Mikey or one of the wrestlers go. Like where that money comes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A wrestler at Mikey's behest. You know, Mikey could even be commanding a wrestler.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's not you betting on the. It's just you have. There's an issue with money. And ref should never have money on because you don't mess with people's money. Whose money is it going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got a pitch. So let's. For real at the beginning, like you and Mikey, you mend fences. At the beginning of this evening, Mikey is going to make an announcement to everyone there that $200 is missing from the cash box. The whole this league is dependent on making money just out of the audience. If someone took it or if someone finds it, please let us know. This is how this works. It feels serious. It's in earnest. A two thirds of. Halfway through the show, we do this pitch. Mikey pieces together. It's $200 exactly. The fucking ref took it. And that's why we're gonna make a lesson out of him.

[Jake Johnson]

And then he decides because of your years of friendship, of giving you a second chance or not, but you're begging for your job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan,

[Gareth Reynolds]

where you at, bud?

[Santos]

I love it.

[Dan]

No, I think that is great because that kind of gives you more of like a through line throughout the whole show.

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Now it's. It's missing. In the beginning, you cost me money before. Hey, you stole my money again. And then, you know, he can, you know, hit me or whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

Excellent. Are you. Are you gonna do it?

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you gonna message him? How are you gonna phrase it? What are you gonna say?

[Santos]

Yep.

[Dan]

Well, I going off. The last message I sent him was basically just me apologizing for not paying for my kids. So I would start by saying, hey, let's say, like, just following up, but just following up on what I said before. I have an idea. I was on this podcast. They gave me a great idea to make things whole again. And I'd love to compensate you for what I took from you already. And then from there kind of go into the explanation of, like, here's what the whole segment would be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If I may, I would maybe go this direction. I would go, Mikey, it's Dan. What's your Venmo. The thing that happened last October really has eaten me up. Not even from a work perspective, but just because we're friends, I'd like to pay you X amount, whatever you think is fair. Also, just on a side note, since this was eating me up, I called in a podcast for some advice. And I think there's a way that we could maybe make this a little bit of a spectacle at the next one of your shows. Love this.

[Jake Johnson]

You're nailing it. You're nailing it.

[Dan]

Okay, Got it.

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then, Dan, do us a favor and follow up with us for sure. And if this happens, please film it and tell Mikey we would be happy to have both of you guys back on for a follow up. He's more than welcome to promote the promotion.

[Dan]

Okay, great.

[Jake Johnson]

But we would love video of this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I.

[Dan]

Listen, there's always like, three or four cameras at every show, so you not only get video, you get angles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan, just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just quickly, what do you think the odds are he goes for something like this?

[Dan]

Mikey loves this kind of shit, so I would say pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Send it. Keep us posted. You're back in the goddamn game.

[Jake Johnson]

I sure hope so.

[Dan]

Sounds good. Thanks, guys. My wife's gonna be thrilled that I'm on, by the way. She has no idea I'm calling in.

[Jake Johnson]

Dan. Don't tell her until she hears it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's a great idea at all.

[Santos]

I love it.

[Dan]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a total surprise. And what's her name?

[Dan]

Her name is Shannon.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, actually, last. Before we go, Dan, any message you want to tell to Shannon.

[Dan]

No, I'm good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, I have one. Let me. May I just offer a pay the toll pitch? When you know she's gonna listen to it? Pet tall. Get a video of her when she puts it on, if possible. Yeah. If not, Godspeed.

[Santos]

I love you.

[Sam]

I promise.

[Dan]

I was just being goofy. I love you very much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. Goodbye, baby. We'll talk to you later. Love you.

[Dan]

All right, thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Santos]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

How are you?

[Santos]

Good. Hi, this is Santos.

[Jake Johnson]

What's up, Santos? Gareth, on the last episode, the thing that you missed when you left and Lamorne and I kept going, huh? Santos called in with another follow up. Santos, will you catch Gareth up on what happened on the last call? So he is up to date. So walk the whole audience through your whole problem from start to finish, Santos, and take your time.

[Santos]

Okay, so my problem was that I have a co worker that I won't eat my wife's favorites. And we did. The last time that we talked, we talked. Well, the first time we came up with a single operation, so to catch him to see if he had beef with me or if he just didn't fuck with baked goods. And so my little update with Amorn was one of my co workers told me that he basically, like, was talking shit about me being on a scooter, and he was, like, making fun of me, and he said something that he couldn't even repeat. That's how bad it was. He was like, I can't even tell

[Jake Johnson]

you about Santos on a screen.

[Santos]

I can repeat it. And I was like, damn, Damn. Like, okay. So, like, does he even deserve it? Like, does he deserve my, like, wife cookies? So then Jake was like, I can't

[Gareth Reynolds]

imagine hearing something so bad you won't tell your friend what someone said, Especially

[Jake Johnson]

about a guy on a scooter.

[Santos]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Could that be on a scooter? Yeah, it's crazy.

[Santos]

I was like, man, it has to be super bad. I mean, you know, I can't even

[Jake Johnson]

imagine what he said or the friends. Just looking for drama. Santos.

[Santos]

Now, he would have told me if it was. If. If it was okay. Like, if you want to, like, around with me, like, he'll make fun of me for it and stuff like that, but okay. I mean, if it was that bad. I was like, man, if he can't even say it, it's pretty bad. Yeah, so. So then Lamorn and Jay were like, you know what? Like, let's just go ahead and do it. Like, we're just trying to see if this guy's like, A piece of shit. So let's figure it out. And so my little update is. So before I let you guys know the person that did it with me, it's a little important to know that like, she's white and well, I'm Mexican. So she's going, she's going into like this thing, operation with me. And so I buy. Last month with our, in our meeting, our monthly meeting, I bought two trays of cookies from the store. And so I gave them one tray to her and then one. I kept one. And then so before the meeting started, when everybody was there, I told the guy, like, hey, I bought some cookies, you know, you guys, help yourselves. So they passed around the whole tray and when it got to Joe, he made his dumb little face and was like, ah, I'm good, you know. So I was like, ah, this guy again, like even like baked goods like that I buy from like the store, like, whatever. So it goes all the way. Our meeting finishes and then so the, the person launches. Call her player. He comes in and she's like, oh, guys, I forgot. Like, you know, Santos bought something more sometimes about cookies. But I brought, I brought some more because I saw that, you know, you guys, you guys ate them all. So then the only one that stands up and gets cookies, guess who it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No way.

[Santos]

Okay, so he gets up, he gets, he's about to get up and get the cookies and one of my co workers goes, oh man, come on. Like, you're not going to beat the allegations like, of you being racist.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you. It's like all the guys start laughing.

[Santos]

All the guys start laughing. He gets up, he grabs two cookies, smiles and leaves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[Jake Johnson]

He doesn't want a Mexican's cookies.

[Santos]

Isn't that wild? Like the thing about that. So now I'm thinking, so maybe the thing on the scooter wasn't about me rocking out too hard on the scooter. Maybe he's just racist.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a crazy term. What's the percentage of Mexican versus white in this job of yours?

[Santos]

He's Mexican.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought he was.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks for the call, bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He, he, he's anti Mexican. Mexican cookies. That he's Mexican.

[Jake Johnson]

That's crazy.

[Santos]

Okay, so throughout, throughout the month, throughout last month. So I was like, you know what? Like I'm just gonna, he's being weirdo. Like, it's like he's, it's weird that he did this. So I, I was just, you know, going throughout my days and I was talking to some co workers because I was like, you know, What? Like, I, like, either they're around or like they're being serious because you get some of those Mexicans around here.

[Sam]

I mean, you know, it happens.

[Santos]

But I found out. Yeah, that's what, that's actually what it is. Like, I found out what he said about me.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you say?

[Santos]

Oh, man, it's, it's not, not the best.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know, we might beep it out. But tell us.

[Santos]

He just said, oh, look at that little beaner. Like on the scooter, you know, little jumping bean on the scooter. I was like, oh my God, that's crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

But all right, so you know what? I would like to propose Santos.

[Santos]

What's up?

[Jake Johnson]

Would you ask him to come on the podcast?

[Sam]

What?

[Santos]

Oh, well, that's the thing. I don't, I no longer work there. So I, I don't really have, like, I'm not able. I, I, as soon as I found that information, I was like, oh man. Like, I know we can really around with this guy or, you know, I guess. Yeah. So unfortunately, I won't be seeing him any longer. I just wanted to update you guys. It's technically a bell ring because he is a piece of shit.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The weirdest bell ring we've had.

[Jake Johnson]

But this is after 300 episodes to find out that the reason he did not eat your stuff was in fact because he's Mexican. He's racist and gets Mexican and he's Mexican and the insult was a derogatory Mexican term about you on a scooter as a Mexican guy. My head's going to explode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think we've discovered that in a racist country, the food transcends racist. Of course, all food.

[Jake Johnson]

Bunch of KKK guys are going to a Chinese restaurant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, of course.

[Santos]

Like even Thor bought like, like he doesn't even know who packing it could

[Dan]

have been a Mexican.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now I, I now let me.

[Jake Johnson]

Craziest thing I've ever heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy. I will have one final pitch. We're ringing the bell. My final pitch is you make some cookies with some XLX in it and you drop it off at your old place with his name on it.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, others could eat it. Yeah, I would say. I mean, we move on. Santos. We got to the. Sometimes this is a feel good show and sometimes it's just detectives doing detective works and getting to the bottom of it. And you lift up the rug and you see a bunch of bugs on this one.

[Santos]

Yeah, I had a pillow. I, I told my wife, you know, I I hate to be. It's a bell ring, but it's a. It's a sad ring. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But hey, guess. But guess what. It's reality. Santos and I, you know, what if.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I love Santos talking to his wife with real brevity, like it's a bell ring, but it's not the bell ring we all wanted. She's like, what is this podcast?

[Santos]

Yeah, I know. We're gonna be sad about it. It's not gonna be a happy one.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what this is, Santos? Here's what this is. We're at the bar. The bartender goes, we're ending the night. They go, all right, guys, you close up 15 bucks, and you go. 20 bucks on the table, and you go, I got it. And we go, no, no, no, we're the uncles. And you go, I got it. You put the money down. We go, whoa. Then you walk out sad, and we go, santos had to deal with the racist Mexican about him being Mexican, and that's sad. But also, thanks for paying the tab.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Our arms are around you at the

[Jake Johnson]

end of the night, and Gareth is really emotional.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just.

[Santos]

Yeah, I appreciate it.

[Dan]

You know what?

[Santos]

Those were probably my last 20 bucks, but that's even. I'm probably riding home on my scooter that night.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Santos, so now you're riding home drunk on a scooter with no money after somebody was racist against you.

[Santos]

Hey, but I had a great night with my uncles.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, we're doing. We're running out there, and I'm going, hey. And you turn around and you're on that scooter, and I go like this. Come here. You come close to me. You want to know what I do? I hand you.

[Santos]

What do you do?

[Jake Johnson]

I hand you a hundred bucks, and I go, this is for me and your Uncle Gareth. Take this.

[Santos]

Oh, my God, I would cry.

[Jake Johnson]

We're both crying. Gareth is crying so hard inside, but it's about other stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's been a tough life.

[Santos]

It's a great night, actually. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So now we're feeling good, and the bartender is saying to Gareth, I need you out. He's going through a lot of stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, that's coming up.

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody, one of the younger guys goes, is that a whale tail popping out of his jeans? And then they've realized he's wearing, in fact, a thong and the whale tail's sticking out. And somebody goes, is that a tattoo? A tramp stamp of a turtle? That is a rainbow at the shell that says G Man's. Ready to party for content.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll do anything.

[Jake Johnson]

And so, Sam, it must have been a crazy night. It was. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. You and me were drinking. Gareth is on like a 30 day sober thing. He's just been literally drinking Diet cokes

[Gareth Reynolds]

and water to cleanse. He sent away.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he's sober.

[Santos]

That sounds like my wife's diet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sober feels drunk when you're this pain.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Santos, you don't walk away from

[Gareth Reynolds]

me right now, my man.

[Jake Johnson]

We're going to walk away from him right now. The bartender is going to. Oh, no, the security guy's coming by Gareth and he's getting rough and I

[Gareth Reynolds]

go, I kind of like it.

[Jake Johnson]

He grabs Gareth by the neck. No, no, no. That's a G. I said the earth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Punch me, please. You can't hurt me more than I hurt myself.

[Santos]

Can't hurt me more than Joe has hurt me already.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly. So, Santos, you got the C note in your pocket. Now you're on the scooter. Gareth has now joined us. Me and him are arming on. We're watching you go off. We're both giving you a thumbs up. You're on that scooter, driving away. You turn back, you look at us. What's the last thing you say before driving off into the night?

[Santos]

Piggly and Mo,

[Jake Johnson]

thanks for the call, brother.

[Santos]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love you guys. Hey, everybody, we just want to remind you, if you want to watch new episodes of We're Here to Help, it drops a day early on Hulu so you can watch the new episode a day early. And we're also dropping a bunch of older episodes from season one and season two, so get involved.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] here to help help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember all the advice given on We're Here to Help. Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Whitney]

That was a Hitgum podcast. Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and Alexa, AKA the Popcorn Queen and King.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family.

[Whitney]

As many of you know from episodes 224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation.

[Whitney]

That's right. The foundation helps transplant families with everyday expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important. Healing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load.

[Whitney]

If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or [e-mail] that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for being such an incredible community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And thank you for always being there to help.

[Whitney]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Dan]

Sterling K. Brown.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Whitney]

Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[Sam]

That's right.

[Whitney]

We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we going to cry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Are we going to laugh a lot.

[Santos]

A whole lot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm hoping, man.

[Santos]

Listen to.

[Jake Johnson]

That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.