314: Heavy Hand & Don't Push It

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 314: "Heavy Hand & Don't Push It"

Release date: August 10, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guests: Ryan Gaul (guest helper, improv), Multiple Callers

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Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, Jake and Gareth return to take on a fresh round of listener problems—ranging from neighbor disputes and petty household anxieties to updates from memorable past callers. Drawing on their signature blend of comedic rapport and heartfelt advice, the duo, joined midway by improv veteran Ryan Gaul, helps listeners navigate tricky social waters by concocting multi-step strategies, playful ruses, and a healthy dose of tough love. As always, the tone is warm, a little chaotic, and full of bits, but the intention is sincere: they really do want to help, even if their methods are unconventional.

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Main Topics & Discussion Points

1. Long Walks and Strange Adventures [00:30–06:49]

• Jake’s Step Challenge: Jake regales Gareth with a story about getting inspired to walk 10,000 steps a day after a Vancouver trip with Damon Wayans Jr.
  • "Since that moment, I've done 10,000 steps every single day. I'm totally into it." – Jake (01:53)
• Nostalgic Friendship Bits: The hosts recall their history of epic, often ill-advised walks through unfamiliar cities for laughs and beers.
  • Memorable Detroit walk where “we all had our shirts off…” (02:27)
• CatCon Revelation: Gareth reveals Jake once attended CatCon (a cat convention) incognito, much to everyone’s surprise.
  • "You're at Catcon... Guy who goes to CatCon doesn't sound like a guy who's going to be telling me my cat didn't start an Instagram." – Gareth (05:01)

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2. Patreon Feuds & Wrestling Personas [06:14–09:06]

• The hosts discuss fan uproar over a cooking competition featuring friend Steve Berg and how the community (especially on Patreon) wanted justice for him.
• Gareth provides a Hulk Hogan-style promo, lampooning the whole scenario.
  • "Steve Berg squandered his whole time by smoking weed and talking about a band that very few people have ever heard about. Then he comes in there with some tasteless airplane chicken parmesan..." – Gareth as "Hollywood Johnson" (08:02)

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3. Caller 1: Eugene and the Airbnb Nightmare [12:45–34:36]

Background

• Caller: Cindy, a.k.a. "Eugene" (Downtown Nashville)
• Issue: Her (and her building’s) backyard is tormented by raucous, disrespectful guests from a neighboring Airbnb property. There’s noise, trash, people urinating off balconies, and general disregard for community.

Key Segments

• Describing the Problem: Eugene explains the proximity, parties, and even public urination:
  • "If I get a hot urine stream to my dome, I'm burning that fucking building down." – Eugene (18:54)
• Innovative Solution Pitch: Eugene proposes leveraging the visible roof of her building as a "billboard" that Airbnb guests can see, featuring a QR code that links to a friendly but firm appeal (and plugs the podcast).
  • "Welcome to Nashville. It's your logo and it's just a QR code... that links to a video that says: hey, welcome to Nashville, we hope you have a great time, but please don't litter and pee on our property." – Eugene (21:55–22:10)
• Hands-On Roleplay: Jake and Gareth agree to make the video, letting Eugene direct them for maximum neighborly effectiveness.
• First Take & Revisions: Eugene encourages a friendly, light, non-confrontational tone (against the "middle finger" approach her landlord suggested).
  • "If I painted a middle finger on that rooftop, that's not going to be good because they throw clothes. Next door are savages." – Eugene (29:08)
• Final Scripted Message: The hosts, in-character, record the message for the future QR code, with Eugene wrapping up:
  • "I love you guys so much and I want you to have a great time, but I'd like you to stop shitting on our property." – Eugene (32:14)
• Aftermath: Eugene’s enthusiastic approval of the video and the marketing synergy for the podcast.

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4. Caller 2: Nick, the Lawnmower Anxieties ("Don't Push It" Segment) [38:36–71:41]

Background

• Caller: Nick (Plymouth, Massachusetts)
• Issue: Nick recently bought a top-tier, ride-on lawnmower but hasn't used it because he fears his neighbors—who offered him their own perpetually broken ride-on—will expect him to share his new purchase. Nick feels awkward and doesn’t want to share his expensive new mower.

Key Segments

• Problem Recap: Nick’s neighbors have repeatedly told him, "Feel free to use ours whenever!" (even though it doesn't work); now he wants to avoid an awkward situation once they see his new mower.
  • "You want to be able to say something right off the bat and be like, here's X— you can't." – Ryan Gaul (45:57)
• Therapy Has Failed: Nick notes that his wife (a therapist) and his own therapist both just shrugged, suggesting he should reciprocate with the mower.
• Psychological Strategies: The hosts, joined by guest helper Ryan Gaul, devise elaborate social scripts:
  • Alibi Approach: Fake that the mower is an inviolable family heirloom gifted by his father-in-law, and he's just not allowed to share it. (46:53)
  • Attachment Play: Overplay his emotional attachment to the mower, making it clear to neighbors it’s "his baby." Visual tactics like excessive cleaning, a "Daddy’s Baby" vanity plate, and even having his wife mention a small "squirmish" over a scratch.
    • "He loves this thing more than the car." – Gareth (51:10)
  • If All Else Fails: Allow neighbors to use it once, then claim it was damaged (falsely) to discourage future requests without confrontation.
• Roleplay Prep: Nick's wife Molly (a therapist) joins the call, agrees to help with the ruse, and practices the social script in a roleplay with the hosts.
  • "I’ll be honest. It was something that I think we would have been maybe open to. But now, after seeing his reaction once I scratched it..." – Molly as herself, playing the cover story (66:21)
• Resolution Plan: They agree on a step-by-step schedule: Nick will mow the lawn, Molly will (casually) mention the "mower anxiety" to Mrs. Park, and the expectation will be subtly set that the mower is not for sharing.

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5. Follow-Up Caller: Charlotte and “Toby Bryant,” the Six-Toed Legend [71:48–80:31]

• Previous Problem: Charlotte (kid caller) was anxious about her extra toe and unwanted attention from peers.
• Update: Charlotte has fully embraced the bit, giving her toe a celebrity name—“Toby Bryant”—and using humor/detachment to deflect unwanted attention from classmates and teachers.
  • "My toe's new name is Toby Bryant." – Charlotte (75:04)
  • Hosts brainstorm new pun names (“Toe Biden,” “Toe Hawk”), endorse the strategy of keeping it light and fun.
• Bonus: Charlotte shares an encounter with a four-toed kid at a water park—suggesting they balance each other out in a show of toe solidarity.
  • "Do you want one of my toes? We can both have the correct number..." – Charlotte (78:57)

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6. Listener Encouragement & Wrap-Up [80:37–81:54]

• Short message urging listeners to send in follow-ups for closure and to “pay the tab for your fun uncles—it’s the least you can do for these guys.” (80:47)
• Reminders about watching the show on Hulu, Patreon details, and credits.

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Notable Quotes

• Jake (on Nashville Airbnb chaos):
  "If I get a hot urine stream to my dome, I'm burning that fucking building down." (18:54)
• Eugene (on suggested middle finger rooftop art):
  "If I painted a middle finger on that rooftop, that's not going to be good because they throw clothes." (29:08)
• Ryan Gaul (Roleplaying neighborly subterfuge):
  "You received this lawnmower as a gift from your father in law with a caveat: It’s only for you to use. Your wife can’t use it. Nobody else is allowed." (46:53)
• Charlotte (toe naming):
  "My toe's new name is Toby Bryant." (75:04)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:30 – Opening anecdotes: walking, Vancouver, CatCon
• 06:14 – Patreon wrestling/justice for Steve Berg sketch
• 12:45 – "Eugene" and Nashville Airbnb woes
• 21:55 – Eugene’s QR code billboard plan
• 32:14 – Eugene’s sign-off in QR code video
• 38:36 – "Nick" introduces the lawnmower dilemma
• 45:57 – Psychology of neighbor favors
• 46:53 – Ryan’s "family heirloom" mower ruse
• 51:10 – “He loves this thing more than the car” strategy
• 66:21 – Molly's roleplay with the hosts
• 71:48 – "Charlotte" calls back: toe update and solidarity
• 75:04 – “Toby Bryant” is christened
• 80:37 – Listener urges for more follow-ups

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Episode Tone & Style

• Warm, fast-paced, self-deprecating humor
• Generous with bits and roleplays
• Underlying sincerity: the hosts genuinely seek to leave callers feeling heard and equipped to handle their oddball problems
• No promises of perfect advice, but clear commitment to being "on your side"

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Useful Takeaways

• Handling Terrible Neighbors: Sometimes creative solutions (a gentle, humorous warning via QR code and video) can be more effective than direct conflict.
• Navigating Tricky Neighborly Expectations: Social scripts and plausible excuses—delivered with a bit of self-effacing comedy—may help avoid awkwardness without lying outright or damaging genuine relationships.
• Dealing with Insecurities: Owning one’s differences through humor and proactivity can disarm cruel curiosity, helping turn an apparent vulnerability into a source of pride or fun.

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Overall

A quintessential "We're Here to Help" episode: peer-to-peer advice as delivered by your funniest, well-meaning-but-chaotic friends. Whether the problems are big or small, Jake, Gareth, and friends prove that laughter, empathy, and creativity are a powerful self-help toolkit.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

And we are back.

[C]

We are back. Gareth.

[B]

Jake.

[C]

You know where I've been?

[B]

Everywhere. You've been everywhere.

[C]

Vancouver.

[B]

That's what I thought. Now, what does the. What's the schedule like for this?

[C]

Well, I'm back home now. I'm. But I'm gonna be there until. No, yeah, I'm gonna be there until early August. But something happened with Damon Wayne's Jr. And I. We went out to. We did a table read or something like that, or a big rehearsal. Then he and I decided to get a bite to eat. And he said, where do you want to go? And I said, where did Anthony Bourdain go when he was in Vancouver?

[B]

That's a great question for any city.

[C]

That's what I do. So wherever he went, that's where I go.

[A]

That's great.

[C]

That's where I go. So he went to where the California roll was first. Invented a sushi place. So we went there. The night was ended, we retired. I said, he goes, man, I can't wait to get to the hotel and get some sleep. And he goes, yeah, I got to go to the gym. And I go, you go to the gym at nine a night, you psycho. And he goes, well, I have to take 10,000 steps every day, and if I don't do it, I get on a treadmill and he goes baseline. And I go, really? We got to talking, Gareth. We decided to walk home. We went over the Granville bridge, walked all the way back over two and a half miles to our hotel. Gareth, since that moment, I've done 10,000 steps every single day. I'm totally into it.

[B]

I love it.

[C]

It's like a weird. You do too. You do it.

[B]

Yeah, I do. My mother's in town and she is like a human roomba. She loves to walk. You and I have taken a number of crazy walks together.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Do you remember the main one? The craziest one we took was in Detroit when we were filming Harold and Kumar. And we went out to dinner, you, me, and Evan. And we went out to dinner and then we were like, let's just walk. And the night, it was insane.

[C]

Crazy.

[B]

The night students. Yes. We. Well, we crossed 8 mile like idiots. At this point. We all had our shirts off and you and Evan raced each other. And I think Evan threw up after you guys raced. Cuz we'd had some beers and I had hurt my ankle so I couldn't race like from something. And we just. We went on the. We were walking for so, so long. Long so lost. Because I think it was pre.

[C]

Yeah, we got turned around. We also took a big walk after we did the 100th from Kevin's, and we went the wrong way. We were just walking around like Mondros.

[B]

Well, we were like. We were just like, let's get to some beers. And then we were walking for two hours, forever. And then we just got a lift in the weirdest lift ever, and then just had, like, one beer, and we're like, let's get out of here.

[D]

The night is over.

[C]

There are.

[B]

I know you very well, and there's things that you say. Sometimes I go, that is way out of character. And there's other times I'm like, yeah, I know exactly what he's gonna do. I, I. Something happened recently where I was very surprised, and this is in my personal life, but so I. I said something,

[C]

or you said something.

[B]

Well, here's what happened. So I. Over the years, and don't say anything.

[E]

Let me.

[B]

Let me just get through this. So over the years, I've done a couple of events at a thing called catcon, which is run by this woman named Suzanne, who's awesome, loves cats, and I don't even remember how I got connected with her, but probably five years ago or something, we met. I went to something because I have a cat. My cat's become a, like, you know, my cat is on Instagram and all this shit. So whatever.

[E]

So.

[B]

So anyway, I hadn't talked.

[C]

I'm saying that, like, your cat created the Instagram, and it got popular

[B]

in

[C]

this part because it feels like this is madness.

[B]

You don't have to physically move the mic. I love you can't shut up on a level you have to move.

[C]

All this stuff you're saying has been madness. I mean, look, my cat is an Instagram. It's a whole thing. You started the cat Instagram?

[B]

Not necessarily. Who started it? I did, but not necessarily. Okay. So anyway, so. So she calls me and she's like, do you want to do this event in October? Like, October 11th or something? At the next Catcon? Because it's in. I forget where it is, but. But I go, yeah, for sure. And. And then she's talking to me, she's running through it, and she goes, you know, I. I just found out you do a show with Jake Johnson. And I go, yeah. And she goes, he came to catcon a couple years ago. And I went, excuse me? And she said, yeah. And I said, I. I would genuinely was like, I don't think we're talking about the same person. She sends me pictures of Jake at catcon and I'm like, what? And there you are at catcon with your daughter. Now a couple things jump out. One, you're at catcon, which just, you know what I mean, Cat. A guy who goes to catcon doesn't sound like a guy who's going to be like, telling me my cat didn't start an Instagram. The other thing that I noticed, what's my man wearing? We're here to help merch out in the wild. I was proud, but I was shocked that you were.

[C]

Gareth. I have a daughter. She loves cats.

[B]

This is great.

[C]

Just deep as that.

[B]

I'm not mad at you. I'm happy.

[C]

I have allergies to cats and I

[B]

was not happy there because the out there's a lot of cats at cats.

[C]

It's a whole thing. Now I'm going to show you something.

[B]

Okay,

[C]

So we did the cook off and the whole thing was, all you guys know about is if Steve lost, he wasn't allowed to talk about food for six months. He lost. It's he lost because he didn't work as hard as Adam Ohler. Well, I think the majority of people listen to this show would go, yeah, it makes sense. The majority of people on Patreon did not feel that way and felt Jake and Gareth didn't give him a fair shot. And they hated us for it. And they got so mad. There was a petition that was started that it was like free justice for Berg or something insane.

[B]

I mean, the guy got high and talked music all day.

[C]

His whole technique was double dipping the chicken in the panko.

[B]

We didn't tie a hand behind his back.

[C]

He had everything older had. We always protect me. And he goes dip it twice.

[B]

I, I listen, we can't listen, we can't go down the wood program again. But anyway, we decided we've got a new plan. And. And sure enough, on the Patreon All All Heel Wrestling hill, Jake was coming out and I dubbed him Hollywood Hulk Hogan because he now realizes he likes

[E]

to be like, you're not gonna win that, brother. You're not gonna win anything again.

[B]

And so we just received Berg in his glasses, which he's now wearing, and Jake photoshopped his Hollywood. Hollywood Hulk Hogan.

[C]

Will you give this audience about a minute of your Hulk Hogan and then take us to the ads, Gareth?

[E]

All right, now, I know there's a lot of people out there who are talking about how Steve Berg deserves another chance at a cooking competition. He had one brother. He had one not too long ago. And he squandered his whole time by smoking weed and talking about a band that very few people have ever heard about. And then he comes in there with some tasteless airplane chicken parmesan. Some of you play 9.95 for it, say you were overcharged. And then he loses. And what does he do? He goes on the Patreon and he cries, brother, he cries tears. Big, big crocodile tears. Nobody's seen him. That's why he's wearing those glasses. Nobody can see the tear ducts. And what happens? The Patriot community falls for it. So Jake and Gareth, out of the kindness of their hearts, they decide they're gonna give him another shot. Another shot for some reason. But he doesn't have a chance. He's going to be making a meatloaf. A meatloaf. And I'm not going to tell you anymore, but we got a lot of ideas, brother. And he's going to make a meatloaf that's going to be better than a bargain bin meatloaf. And he's going to get rewarded. He's going to get rewarded over and over again because a guy like that, a little Nordic guy with a lisp, everyone gives him sympathy and they think that he deserves more and more. You talk about privilege, you're talking about Steve Berg. So tune in, pay attention, get on the Patreon and if you don't like it, brother, I'll come and I'll give you an arm bar. Until then, without further ado, enjoy the ads. Hollywood Johnson out.

[B]

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[C]

episode of the podcast is brought to you by Rocket Money.

[B]

Oh sweet Rocket Money. How we love you. We we've talked about Rocket Money on this show a lot because we use Rocket Money a lot and we recommend people who who are trying to stretch their money further use Rocket Money. Jake and I have both confessed to each other about a bunch of things we found on our Rocket Money accounts that we were shocked that we were paying for. I was paying for a weird weather app that I did not need, but that weather app, the forecast was calling for them to take money from me. A Packers radio station that I did not need. Radio, I'm talking that's how long ago this was. But one of the things is it shows you these things that you're paying for that you probably don't need anymore. And it's not even a matter if you've just forgotten about it. It's also you get to look at your subscription management and sort of decide do I need this? I have this. I don't know if I do. But there are a lot of apps out there or platforms that basically depend on you downloading them for that free week and then forgetting about it. And Rocket Money has your back when it comes to that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] help that's rocketmoney.com help rocketmoney.com/help and we're brought to you by Dunkman. Presented by Shaquille o'. Neal. Dunkman is a new electrifying dunk league that aims to transform dunking from a one night contest to a high stakes professional sport. The season will consist of four group stage events in which 24 of the world's best dunkers battle for a spot in the Dunkman World Championship. With with a $500,000 grand prize on the line. The inaugural season of Dunkman in partnership with Eli Lilly, premieres live July 21st at 8pm Eastern Standard Time on TNT and streaming on HBO. Max.

[C]

I am legit watching this. This feels like something our podcast should have been producing. I would love to see the best dunkers. Dunk. We need to discuss the dunk contest, and we might need to lower it into a six foot dunk contest presented by Shaquille o'.

[B]

Neal. Get involved with Dunk Man.

[C]

Hello.

[D]

Hello.

[C]

How you doing, big Dog?

[D]

Big Dog is doing great.

[C]

Good. Where you. Where are you calling from, Big dog? You in the kettle? You out back? Can we get your name, please?

[D]

Cindy. Or you can call me Eugene. That's what my niece and my nephew call me. So you guys can pick.

[C]

You. Jane.

[D]

Eugene.

[C]

Oh, Eugene. Okay. Why they call you Eugene, Cindy?

[D]

Well, because I told them that Auntie Cindy was boring, and I was tired of hearing about it, so I said, I need you two to get together and figure out a better name to call me.

[E]

Cool.

[D]

And so two weeks later, my sister called me and she said they've decided on a name because I told them that they had to agree on it.

[C]

All right, Eugene, where are you calling from?

[D]

Downtown Nashville.

[C]

I love Nashville. The best. Downtown Nashville. Your name's Eugene. What can we do for you today?

[D]

I need help with the. That we deal with next door. So I am. When I say I, I mean, our building is four feet away from an Airbnb building. So think about all the tourists that come into town and want to dumb down Vegas. And it was built. I think there's four floors, I think. So we're all Airbnbs.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

I think there may be two owners that live there that actually have a property, but they're on the poolside, which is on the back side of it. Okay. So what we get is just degenerates that look down on our property, and we've got a nice garden and we've got an oasis, and we have movie nights and we have concerts.

[C]

Eugene. You mean they, quite literally, from their window, look down on your stuff?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

And I did include some pictures so you can kind of see.

[C]

I'd love to see.

[D]

Oh, I would like to say we rescheduled this for July 8th, and I got a last minute call on July 2nd, and I was like, I'll do it. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. And so I called my. The owner of the building, and I said, listen, this podcast has taken place and I need you to reconfirm that you're okay with me taking over the building. And he said, I don't give a. If you paint a middle finger on that rooftop, it's yours. Because they've been giving me so much since they, you know, constructed the place.

[C]

Okay, interesting. Okay, so we have some. We could do some stuff.

[D]

Oh, we can do so many things.

[B]

All right, we got a video here.

[C]

I don't know what this video is. Explain the video a little bit.

[D]

That was 3:30 on a Tuesday.

[B]

So loud, loud music.

[C]

So you're the brick building. It's right next door. It's the. So what we're looking at is on the right side there's a brick building. Then there's this beautiful gate.

[D]

And then that's my gate.

[C]

Beautiful, engaging. Then next to the gate, there's an apartment building with balconies that hang over Eugene's backyard. And the video is just. It was shot a static shot on the brick with really loud music.

[B]

It's so loud.

[C]

That's crazy. And you're talking about that.

[D]

You want to hear something? That's wild. Yeah, this is wild.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

These people were like 50 years old.

[B]

It's young now.

[D]

I am. No, no, no, let me say this, let me say this. I'm in my early 50s, but I identify as a 40 year old.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

So does Gary.

[D]

So this house is fun. We have a lot of parties, we do a lot of things. I, I'm. I mean. But don't come here acting like douchebags, right?

[B]

Okay, so the, the main. We're looking at another picture now. I mean, it just kind of shows how balconied out this zone is here. So it's pretty open. It's pretty loud. You're right there. The main complaint is the noise is insane.

[C]

Even the cops aren't coming to Nashville for a noise.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Is that right?

[D]

Well, they probably. First of all, we've. We've never called the cops because we don't want to be those people. We've kind of befriended security guards. We have their cell numbers. We take them baked goods. We're in good graces with a property manager. But herein lies the problem.

[C]

Talk to us.

[D]

The problem is there are people pissing over the balcony, emptying their coolers, dumping out whatever they had to drink.

[B]

A back alley hissing over the balconies.

[A]

They.

[D]

Yeah, they have no idea what it is.

[C]

And so we end up Brian Austin Green. What balcony? Just bag is what he called. Yeah, go ahead.

[D]

If I get a hot urine stream to my dome, I'm burning That fucking building down.

[B]

Okay. I mean, Eugene, you really moved over the face of Eric Edelstein through Sour cream at bag.

[D]

I'm fine with it. I just don't want to have to leave my house in a Hazmat and helmet.

[C]

So that brick number is yours?

[D]

It's not mine. Like, I don't own the property.

[C]

That's beautiful. I like it. It's got charm, it's cool. And did you know.

[D]

It's great.

[C]

Did you.

[D]

And I just want to say the owner, and I'm sorry to interrupt you, but the owner. So we rescheduled this call, right?

[C]

So I had the July 2 thing.

[D]

Yeah, I had like a. I don't know, a 24 hour notice, which I was fine. I was like, this is so exciting. And when I got email from Natalie or Jesse, I acted like you. When you saw Prince.

[B]

Eugene, can I ask you a question? A new girl, Eugene, can I ask you.

[D]

Yes. Yes, you may. Yes, you may.

[B]

Yes, we're going to help you figure out this problem. Do you understand me? But I have a question.

[D]

Listen.

[B]

Hold on.

[D]

This is a bell ringer, Eugene.

[B]

Not yet it's not.

[D]

I'm listening. I'm listening.

[B]

You had a pop or something today. You had a couple pops.

[D]

What's the pop?

[B]

Drink.

[C]

Cocktail.

[D]

I've had one because I have been nauseous all day.

[B]

Yeah, Vodka soda. Vodka soda. How big of a pour on the VOD are we doing? How tall is the glass?

[D]

Heavy hand. Heavy hand.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

All right.

[B]

We just want to make sure we're picking up on here. We're getting that vibe. Okay?

[D]

It's enormous.

[B]

So listen, so here's what we're gonna do. Eugene.

[D]

Eugene.

[B]

Eugene.

[C]

You know what? That's better than just a few tiny beers.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's what we're gonna do. Just a few tiny beers. We're gonna take your hands off of the piloting mechanism. Jake and I are in the cockpit, but you're still here. And we're gonna land this fucker. So we're gonna. The bottom line to your problem, if you had to say it in one sentence, would be, go ahead.

[C]

Very good job, Gareth.

[D]

I have a real estate on the roof of our building that I've been given the blessing to. You write a message that everyone from the balcony can see. The problem is so run on. It's so much that I need you guys to record a video, sum it up, and let's give you the first billboard in Nashville.

[B]

Holy shit, Eugene. I'm going to give you one more crack at this because you really lost us at the end.

[C]

We made a video and a billboard. I don't do that.

[B]

You have the real estate of the roof that these people will be able to see before dumping their coolers are pissing.

[D]

That is correct.

[B]

And what you would like from us is one more time,

[D]

a billboard on our roof so that when anyone looks over the balcony, it says, welcome to Nashville. It's your logo and it's just a QR code.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

That is a link to a video that says, hey, welcome to Nashville. We hope you have a great time. The problem is, with us on our end, kind of like what my landlord said is like, yeah, paint a fucking middle finger on it and call it a day. Because this has been awful. So what I. It was like, well, no, that's not going to do anything. That's not going to do anyone any good, because then it's going to make us a target. We're trying to avoid littering. We're trying to avoid people pissing over the balcony or puking over the balcony or throwing their trash over the balcony, which is our walkway. Not just the Airbnb is building property. So it's like, help us help you. So I feel like it could be really good if y' all could just record a video based on all the things that they do. And then it becomes a billboard on our rooftop that when they look down, it's like, scan this QR code or whatever. I don't know how technology works, if I'm being honest, but I think it would be a great way to promote the show. We get a revolving door of tourists. We get Scottish people, We get the Carols. They're like, carol, this recipe requires an avocado. Like, we hear everything.

[F]

And once you look through all the

[D]

videos, you'll see how bad it echoes. And there are good times with this Airbnb. Like, a bunch of dudes with an instructor led footloose dance, like, line dance situation, which was really entertaining. And custody battles happening over the phone. Motivational speakers. We have had some good times being able to hear what's going on, but at the same time, they overlook us. So it's like we can't even really enjoy our backyard because then they want to engage. And the only people that engage the best are the Canadians. And we can't ask this building, say, only book Canadians, because they are the kindest people ever, Right?

[F]

Mm.

[D]

So I would love for y' all to have your first billboard in Nashville on our roof.

[C]

So

[B]

what do you want on the Roof, Eugene.

[C]

I'm open to it. We have to talk expenses, but. So there's a chance we could make a QR code.

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

That goes to a website that just puts.

[A]

Plays the video.

[C]

Yeah, let's actually do it.

[D]

If you are open to it, we

[A]

can make it happen.

[C]

And then what would that. What do you think that would.

[D]

It's free. It's free marketing, really.

[C]

But only to like, nine people at a time.

[D]

No, no, no, no, no. That's not true. That's not true.

[E]

You know what?

[C]

Actually, I think this is a great idea. Really quickly tell us the issues that you're dealing with, and then we could do this video.

[B]

But really let us know if you could just like.

[C]

Okay, so that.

[B]

That way we. At the end of this, we go, okay, we know how to do it. So what are the issues with these people you're seeing?

[D]

Okay, listen, you see that little strip of gravel when you look down over the.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Your balcony. That belongs to somebody else. That's not. That's not for the property pickup. So stop littering. Stop throwing your beer cans. I did send some videos over about this beer pong. I did send them in. You don't have to look at them now. But I mean, it's a lot. Yeah, it's. I mean, I just. A guy pissing over the balcony. Like, if I'm trying to walk to my car, I can't handle it.

[A]

I will.

[C]

So, Gene, let's do this. Let's give it a shot.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And then we're gonna do a take. And then we're gonna get notes from you. And if we nail this thing, not attack. And Jesse will look into what it costs to get just a piece of paper or like a material that could survive the weather.

[B]

Yeah, Printed.

[D]

Yeah, a weatherproof.

[C]

You guys could glue it on. That would be on you guys to get it up there. And then you guys, of course, with spray paint, would have to write, hey, everyone in that building, look at this. Scan this code. I got a video for you. Right.

[B]

And then what we need to remember during the recording of this is while we're sort of sending a message to these people, it's also a marketing video for the show.

[C]

Is that right?

[D]

I think it's great marketing for the show.

[B]

I make sure people know who they're talking to.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Everyone about it.

[C]

Eugene. Here's what we're gonna do. And I've never done this as a control freak. Gareth can tell you this.

[D]

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

[C]

A big dog. You a top dog. For me. You the lieutenant. Okay. You running point. My lady, my queen. We're living in your world.

[B]

Oh, boy, Howdy, are we.

[C]

You're the director.

[D]

I mean, this went far. This went far.

[C]

You're the director. We're your talent.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Run the show. Tell us what to do. Call action. Call cut. Give us notes. The floor is yours. You're in charge. We are not running point. When we nail what you wanted. Say, Natalie. Cut. Print. Make a QR code. If this all goes sideways, Eugene, Gareth and I are not here to help you. You're the boss.

[D]

I'm hyperventilating. I'm hyperventilating. Okay, do I say 321 A?

[C]

You're the boss.

[B]

Go. Countdown into action. Sure.

[D]

Okay. 321 X.

[C]

You just scanned a QR code that you saw on a roof because you are visiting Nashville and you're partying a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And you think you're having a great time.

[D]

Pass. Pass. Pass, pass.

[B]

Okay, what would you like from Jake? Differently, please.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. So we're trying not to become a target because this is a. This started when this building went under construction and a piece of lumber went through and almost killed a neighbor. Oh, I do have. I do have pictures of that as well that I sent in.

[F]

Want.

[D]

I want. I know it's a lot, but I want us to be super friendly.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

You guys are so funny that you can take this down a notch, because I feel like if I painted a middle finger on that rooftop, that's not going to be good because they throw clothes. They throw wet towels. They. These people next door are like savages. So if they see a QR code and they see the video, like, hey, guys, welcome to Nashville. We want you to have a good time. We love a good time. But please remember to not take a vacation from your trash can or your ashtray.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

So that's what you're looking for. There are people performance. A little more.

[D]

Well, from either one of you, just make it funny. I. I would love both of you to do it, because I love both of you together.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

You're. So you're the director. I'll start her. Jump in.

[B]

Yep. And then don't be afraid to yell pass again. Whenever you're ready.

[C]

You're the boss. Let us know what to do.

[F]

I'm sorry.

[D]

I did that earlier.

[C]

Please. No, it got better. We thank you. You the big dog. We just a couple of kids. Okay, here we are.

[B]

Eugene, you want to count us down into an action? Whenever you're ready.

[C]

The dog wants to. If not, maybe you can do whatever the she wants, okay? We're living in her world.

[B]

Let's. Let's get this.

[D]

Yeah, I just snorted. I just snorted. It's fine, it's fine. All right, all right.

[B]

Whenever you're ready.

[D]

Three, two, one. Pig Lambo.

[B]

Very good.

[C]

Hey, everybody. I hope you're enjoying Nashville.

[B]

What a great city. And we're really glad you're here having a lot of fun. The city offers a lot and you're staying in a great place.

[C]

My name is Jake Johnson.

[B]

I'm Gareth Reynolds. We have a podcast called We're Here to Help.

[C]

Maybe you should listen to it. But what we want to talk to you about today is if you look out your balcony and you see down there, it looks like just a rooftop, but there's a family that lives there.

[B]

Yeah. And so your impulse might be, hey, I'm on vacation. I'll throw some trash down there, maybe I'll have a couple pops and pee. But don't do that because you're pissing

[C]

on a woman's head and where she lives. And if you throw filthy laundry over, it's going into her property. So you could do us a big favor and take that volume down to a three or a four. And just remember, these fun people want you to have a great time. They're happy you're here, but could you remember they live here year round, your

[B]

neighbors, right now, I know it feels like you're not, but you are. And remember, we're here to help. Is available wherever you listen to podcasts. Thanks for clicking on the roof's QR code and going to this website and watching this video.

[C]

And last but not least, your neighbor Eugene has a message for you. Eugene, take it away.

[D]

I love you guys so much and I want you to have a great time, but I'd like you to stop shitting on our property.

[B]

Okey dokey.

[C]

Thanks so much.

[B]

Thanks a lot.

[C]

Eugene, what do you think?

[D]

I thought that was fantastic.

[C]

Okay, you want to use.

[B]

I really liked your part.

[C]

You killed it.

[E]

Awesome.

[B]

When you asked them to not.

[D]

I mean, how did y' all feel about it? I thought it was great.

[C]

I thought it was very good. I thought ours performance was fine.

[B]

I thought it was good.

[C]

We were trying to find. It was okay, and then I found it. Yeah, and then I think you hit a home run.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Natalie, why did you flick us off? I don't get it.

[D]

Jake, let her talk, okay? Stop interrupting her.

[C]

So she gave you the universal move it on just so, you know, Eugene, continue.

[D]

She's like, keep going.

[C]

She goes like this. No, she gave us the wrap it up. Then I asked, she denied it, said I was interrupting you. Keep going, Eugene.

[B]

And there was a finger.

[D]

Well, she will appreciate this.

[B]

I don't think so, because.

[D]

So we got it at the last minute and we rescheduled. So it was supposed to be for July 2, and I was like, I do not care. So excited to be here for this. So I immediately called the landlord, the owner of the building, and I said, do whatever you want.

[C]

And so he said, it could be good marketing.

[B]

You put a finger on there. That's the wrong idea.

[D]

Correct. But I sent in a picture because I. I called him and. And he called me back and he was like, I think they got the transcript wrong on this voicemail.

[C]

Let's see it.

[D]

So, yes, So I called him and said, hey, listen, this is happening tomorrow. I need you to call me. I've got some amazing news. And so he called me back, but then there was a transcript of the voicemail and he was like, I think they got something wrong.

[B]

Yeah, you want me to tell the audience what it was?

[C]

Read it, Gareth.

[D]

I would love for you to do that, Jim.

[B]

I have some amazing nipples and I'm freaking out a little bit.

[C]

Thank you guys so much.

[E]

Enjoy.

[B]

God bless.

[C]

Bye.

[F]

I love your guts.

[D]

Bye.

[B]

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[C]

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[B]

caller, are you there?

[F]

I am here.

[B]

So sorry, we're very confused.

[F]

It's all right.

[B]

Thank you. That's awesome. What's your name, amigo?

[F]

My name is Nick.

[B]

Hi, Nick. Nick, where are you calling from?

[F]

I'm calling from the Plymouth, Massachusetts area.

[B]

Whoa. It's pretty close.

[F]

I know.

[B]

Our guest helper is from.

[D]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Yeah. How old are you, Nick?

[F]

I'm 39.

[B]

39. Well, Nick, listen, you got myself and you got our guest helper today. The great Ryan Gall is here. Ryan, one of my dearest friends from back in the improv days. Still doing improv and it's become popular. I quit doing it for stand up. And then now improv's popular again. Is it me?

[F]

You were.

[B]

And now I'm not good at it. Now I'm not good at it. So I took. I was great at it back in the day, but now I'm not good at it.

[G]

And that's so true. We just did it like a month ago. And you were great at it.

[B]

You were.

[G]

I would say. I would say you stole the show because you.

[B]

Because you're good at it. But we have Ryan Gall here. You know him from tons of but. Ryan, this is Nick. You have any questions for Nick?

[D]

Ryan.

[B]

Off the bat, Ryan.

[G]

No, Plymouth. I did. I got drunk in Plymouth. Probably one of the first times I ever got drunk. I got drunk in Plymouth, so I can give you that.

[E]

How old?

[F]

Fantastic.

[G]

Oh, God. I was. I was definitely late teens. Took me a while. I wasn't like you, Gareth, where I was ripping, ripping into it. And the pre teens, it was because

[B]

I was in England. The English people started out early. I will get to your call in a second here, Nick. But I've said this in my standup before, but I remember I was 13 and guys my age were making fun of me for being a virgin.

[G]

God, it's insane.

[B]

They were like, that's what happened. What are you waiting for? Marriage? I was like, I'm a baby.

[G]

I'm tiny. Hey, are you. Hey, Nick, are you right off Route 3?

[F]

So I'm. I'm off 495.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Used to be uproot 3, but I made.

[F]

I made the move.

[B]

Let's call you had to.

[G]

You had to.

[B]

All right.

[F]

Traffic will get you.

[B]

What's going on, buddy? We're not going to do traffic. We're not going to do local traffic talk. Just.

[F]

You don't want a traffic report.

[D]

All right.

[F]

I'm hoping you guys can help me Out. I've. I've tried to farm this from my wife who's a therapist. I've brought it up to my own therapist. I'm hoping you guys can. I can crack.

[B]

Hold on a second here. Now this. Yeah, this we're normally. Sometimes we're on this show and I'll Alternative to therapy. Sure. But I don't know if we're normally following therapists. If two therapists, one you're married to and they can't crack this. This is Ryan.

[G]

We're batting third. I think that's how I see it.

[B]

We're dead, man.

[F]

No, I don't like, I don't like their answers. So I'm gonna go with what you guys say. And if you have the same answer as them, then so be it. That's the way it is.

[B]

All right, Nick, let's party.

[G]

Makes sense.

[F]

All right. So we've been in this house about two years. We had new neighbors move in just about a year ago. And recently we decided it was probably time to get to know them, introduce ourselves. And we've gotten to know them a little bit. The first time they came over, we started just talking about our yards. We have pretty decent sized yards and they're both pretty much the exact same sized lot. And, you know, I told them I've got this hand me down push mower that barely works. It is absolute hell to mow this lawn takes me probably three hours. And he was telling me that the guy who sold in his house gave him a ride on mower and that I can use it whenever I want. The caveat is it just doesn't work right now. And so I told him, that's, that's great. So we recently had them over for, you know, just some dinner and hanging out by the pool. And they brought it up two or three times. The fact that they have a ride on mower, they're going to get it fixed. I can use it whenever I want. They'll even give me the key to their shed so I can take it out whenever they're not home. And then they saw me not long ago pushing my mower and reminded me of this again, that I can use it whenever I want.

[B]

Sounds like they've said you could use it whenever you want.

[F]

I know, right? So here's where it gets tricky is that I. I recently made the decision to, to buy a ride on mower and it's brand new. I kind of, I kind of went, you know, balls to the wall, got the nicest one I could find, and I don't want to let them use it because it's brand new and I don't have a lot of nice things and it's quite the investment. And now I don't want to mow my own lawn because I don't want them to see me on this working ride on mower and then expect me to kind of come over and offer it up to them to mow their enormous lawn because their ride on doesn't work. When they've been so kind to offer me their non working ride on mower.

[B]

Wow. Okay, so this is interesting. So the neighbors. Let's give. Can we. Should we just give them a name? Like a couple. Let's call them like the parks or something like that?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, we're going to the park.

[B]

Okay, so parks. The parks next door bought the place. Ride on mower doesn't work. They won't shut the up about how much they're gonna let you use it Once they pull the trigger and get this thing fixed, you kindness knows no bounds. You, you may be a little fatigued from just being teased by the prospect of being able to have the right on mower eventually. Just say, you know what, I'm going to take care of me a little bit. I'm going to, I'm going to move into the next century and I'm going to get myself a ride on mower. Now you're the problem that's going on in your head. You have anxiety about using it because you think that will result in them asking if they can use yours. And frankly, you care about yours a little too much at this point to be sharing it with them. That's basically where we're at.

[F]

Yeah, you hit the nail on the head.

[G]

That's tricky interest.

[B]

This is. Now, I will say, Ryan, this problem, it kind of lives in his head a little bit, right? I mean, he's got a paranoia about the what if there's not even really a problem yet.

[G]

They have an ass. They haven't even come close to asking.

[B]

He wants to get ahead of a problem that he sees coming. Now, Nick, you've never used your ride on mower.

[F]

I took it for one quick spin when the guy dropped it off, but it was behind a fence. And I mean, everyone uses their ride on mower here.

[B]

So how long ago was this?

[F]

This was probably three weeks ago at this point.

[B]

So three weeks. You've had a Corvette of ride on lawnmowers in your garage and you just can't even take it out for a spin because you're worried about what's going to happen.

[G]

You want. You want an excuse in the chamber. Ready to go as soon as this guy's like, hey, this is perfect. I'm letting you. I. I offered to let you use my mower. Maybe we. You offer me and we just have a deal. We can switch them up whenever we want. You want to be able to say something right off the bat and be like, here's X. You can't. Yeah. I have a weird. I have a little weird thought.

[B]

Okay, let's float it out there because I'm a little. I've got some ideas, but go ahead.

[G]

Do you have. Are your parents still with us?

[F]

My mom is alive. My dad is super dead.

[G]

Super dead.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

He's tough.

[F]

He's nothing but bones.

[G]

How about the in laws?

[F]

In laws. Both very much alive.

[G]

Okay, here we go. This. This is my very stupid pitch. Hopefully the first of a few.

[F]

Okay.

[G]

You received this lawnmower as a gift from your father in law with a caveat. It's only for you to use. Your wife can't use it. Nobody else is allowed to use it. That's it. Simple. And maybe it's because it used to. He bought it for himself. He no longer can use it. He wants to give it to you. But he's very. And you can say this. You can kind of throw him under the bus and say he's kind of weird about this stuff. You know, he doesn't.

[C]

He.

[G]

He'll give. He's given me a few things in the past, and he's like, it's only for you. Don't. I don't know, maybe somewhere down before he gets screwed on this, where he gave something to his other son and they gave it away. So now he's real particular about saying, this is for you. It's a very. It's the Corvette of lawnmowers. Don't you dare let anybody else use it. I want to see you on this and you only. And you kind of smirk and go like, that's. That's dad. That's dad.

[B]

Well, Ryan's pitching, which I think is kind of the zone we have to go in, is like, it's. You've got to get Ryan, by the way, left. I don't know if that's going to upset you or not, Nick, but Ryan is no longer on camera or in frame.

[F]

I hope it wasn't something I said.

[B]

I don't. Sir, I didn't talk. And then he left. So I don't know. Oh, hey.

[G]

I just Mowed the lawn.

[B]

So let me. Let me ask you a couple questions, Nick. What, what is the. What did your therapist say?

[F]

So both my wife and my therapist both said the same thing. They just kind of threw their hands up and said, well, I guess they need to use the lawnmower now. And the problem with lawn equipment is that it. It's not rated by mile.

[D]

It's.

[F]

It's rated by hours used. So the more hours, the more wear and tear.

[B]

I mean, listen, I, You. Here's why you've called the right place, and I think here's what the therapists cannot provide. We want you to win on your terms. We are, let's say this is some sort of mental dysfunction on your end. You're not going to hear about that from us. We're going to try to solve. We're playing an away game in Nick park, and we're going to want this to work out, so we're going to. I, I have a couple more pitches. Let me ask you this. Do you like the parks? Do you like the neighbors?

[D]

Oh, we love them.

[F]

We can't say enough good things about them. And.

[B]

Well, actually, there is one negative about, which is they're too kind. You don't want them to touch your goddamn lawnmower. So there's clearly something there.

[F]

Got to keep their grubby hands off of it.

[B]

Yeah, you've got an issue with them there.

[G]

Here's a question is, did they expect you, like, if you were to choose to use their riding lawnmower, were they kind of hinting at the idea of, like, if you, if you get it fixed and tuned up, it'll work because you weren't. You couldn't use it, right? It was.

[F]

It's broke, right? Yeah, it was. It was kind of like a, you know, one of those offers, like, if I had a bunch of money, I give you that money, but I don't have a bunch of money, so I'm not going to. To was kind of, you know, it was. It was thoughtful, but in a sense, hollow.

[G]

How have they been mowing their lawn?

[F]

Hmm.

[B]

It's a good question.

[F]

I think they have a push. I think they have a push mower. I think they've been just kind of dealing with the grind of. Of mowing, like, over a half acre.

[G]

Did you. Have you seen the. The riding lawnmower in the shed? Do we. Are we Sure.

[F]

I think I saw the. I think I saw the previous owner riding it at some point before they had moved in. So I do know that it is Real. They didn't. I know they didn't make it up in hopes that I would. I would fund their. Their ride on mower Now.

[B]

That would be crazy. Their mower. Their mower now. Like, their lawn now is out of control. It must be, right?

[F]

I think they're only mowing the front lawn, and it's. It's much smaller than the back. And I think they're just using the push mower for that. It's manageable on the front, but it's in the backyard where it gets really unhinged.

[G]

They're drooling over the idea that you're buying a mower. They have to be.

[B]

I. I've got. I've got a pitch for you here, Nick. Now, I'm going to tell you that this p. Going to take you because, look, my. There is this version where, you know, you could talk about how, I mean, you could wait for them to be gone and only mow the lawn when they're gone, you know, but you. You're going to be living a. A bit of a complicated life if you have to create a kind of affair with your lawnmower. And I just think that's going to be more stress than it's worth. Now, my pitch, at first, it's going to feel like we're not solving your problem, but this is the long game, okay?

[F]

Okay.

[B]

My pitch is that you go out there and you just start mowing your lawn. You use the riding mower. You don't even mention it. Okay? You just enjoy yourself. And if when you hang out with them, you know, they're. You're. I think you're right to think that at some point they're gonna say, hey, yeah, you really gotta love it. And, oh, my God. And I think you gotta say, I love it. This thing is my baby. And you have your wife teed up and she says, he loves this thing more than the car. And you go, I do. I care about this thing so much. Put value on it in a way that would make like, again, this is new. This is a new luxury item for you. And the more that you lay that on thick, the more that I think they'll go, boy, I don't know if I even want that responsibility now. Nikki, still there?

[D]

I'm here.

[B]

Because what might happen is these people might not take the social cue and they might say, oh, that's awesome. Can I borrow it? And I think we're right in the predicament that you're talking to your thera. You're talking to People about. And you're gonna have. And in my pitch, what you say is, yes, yes, just be so careful with it. And then they are gonna use it. And Nick, when the Parks return it, you're gonna say to them two days later, did something happen out there when you mowed the lawn? And they're gonna go, no. What? And you're gonna say it just. There's. The blade won't drop properly. I'm. I'm just trying to figure out what happened because I'm so careful with it. And then you fake bring out a repair person, and then you talk to them about it, and you say a repair person came out and said that a rock hit it, and it's a big pain in the ass, and it's costing you a couple hundred bucks. And that is the last time they ask for it. And if they ask for it again, you're gonna say, I'd love to, but I'm just. I'm so precious with this thing that I just don't want another rock.

[G]

That's real good. Can I. Can I give a. On top of that.

[B]

Carry the top, babe.

[G]

I want to. I love what you're saying about he loving it so much. This is your baby.

[B]

I want to see you in your driveway. I want you to put on some jorts and a cut off. And I want you to wash this thing like it's a cord.

[G]

Cleaning it.

[B]

Waxing it.

[A]

Waxing.

[B]

Waxing it now. Waxing it. This is my Ryan. Dare I say. I want a vanity plate on this thing that's gonna say daddy's baby.

[F]

Okay.

[G]

On top of that. Does your. Does your wife ever talk to Mrs. Park, like one on one alone?

[D]

So here's.

[F]

Here's the weird, small world kicker of it. They're both actually from the same small town. And.

[E]

Perfect.

[F]

And they found out on Facebook they've got like 70 mutual friends, so it's. They're so tied into each other that it doesn't even make sense.

[B]

No.

[F]

And to add. To add one ripple to Ryan's first pitch, my in laws actually met them first. They came over to introduce themselves when my wife and I were away for the weekend. My in laws invited them in. They met our dog. They just had a gab fest, talking about the town that they're from.

[B]

Ryan, can I tell you how I know that Nick loves his dog? This is a way you can tell if someone loves their dog. They say they met the dog people. It's always. It's like the mayor of the house. Like, they met the dog always makes me giggle.

[G]

They met the dog. They got introduced. Wait, I was saying, if your wives talk, to have maybe you plant something and say, like, I got in a huge fight. This is your wife. I got in a huge fight. I was walking through the garage and I bumped his new mower. He hasn't talked to me for a day. And just subtle and just. It's going along with what you're saying, but it's like that. If you get mad at your wife over it, imagine what he do to the labor.

[B]

I actually think, Nick, we're kind of giving you a. It's kind of a chronology of what ifs and how you can get in front of it each step. And it's going to depend on their social cue radar. But I actually think Ryan's pitch comes before my pitch and maybe shuts down my pit with hope. Maybe my pitch is never even needed because either your wife tells Mrs. Park or the Parks in general that, you know, I thought I'd take it out and mow the lawn. And I guess I, like, I didn't do it right. I got it stuck. And he was really upset. I mean, he loves this thing, you know, and that way that makes them feel like. I don't even want the stress of asking him to borrow, though.

[G]

I don't want to get involved.

[B]

Now. Let's say that they go, oh, that's great, and he says, can I borrow it? And that, you know, you might have to do my version. But I kind of think Ryan's version of my pitch is going to get you where you need to go.

[G]

Yeah.

[F]

You might never get there. I like that.

[B]

Now, we don't. We don't want to put anything on your wife, you know, but. But do you. Do you think she could pull off the fake convo?

[D]

I think she could.

[B]

Is she there?

[F]

She. She is downstairs. The dog. The mayor of the house may go crazy if she comes upstairs.

[B]

Can't wait to meet him. All right, you want to throw Molly on real quick here, Nick?

[F]

Happy to. Here you go.

[B]

Okay. Hello, Molly. How are you?

[G]

Hi, Molly.

[A]

I'm good. How are you guys?

[B]

I'm good. You're on with me. Gareth from we're here to help. And our guest helpers, Ryan Gaul, even probably heard him on Comedy Bang Bang. He's doing very well in the improv world. I used to do improv, and then I thought it was dead, and then I took a time away and now it's thriving again. Anyway, that's not about me and how well, Ryan's doing. First of all, Molly, when. When Nick brought this problem to you as a therapist, what did you think? How did you. Were you able to separate wife from therapist? Or were you. What was your initial reaction to this?

[A]

Well, as a therapist, ethically, I do try to separate the two, but, yeah, I mean, I do what I can. I mean, I think I have a bias where he is my husband and I am neighbors with the, you know, other party here.

[B]

So what did you say to him when he. When he kind of brought this paranoia and you feel like. I mean, he really loves this mower. He does not want it over there.

[A]

I hear you. I know you've heard. Yes. I mean, no, I get it.

[D]

It's his.

[A]

I know he's like, you know, it's his pup. That's his favorite. So I. I get it. But I think he doesn't want the

[B]

neighbors to meet the lawnmower.

[A]

No. Right, right. And listen, to be fair, like, they seem like very nice people, but we really don't know them too well. Like, in the event it were to break, we don't know how. Like, it could get messy. We don't really know, like, how things would be handled.

[D]

So.

[A]

I hear the concern.

[B]

Molly, let's be honest. This lawnmower that they have in their garage, last we heard, before they moved in, was working, and now it isn't. So they might just be a couple of, you know, lunatics out there.

[D]

Yeah,

[A]

that's true.

[B]

I mean, Molly, we've circled a couple of things, and unfortunately for you, to some extent, the one that Nick likes is kind of the one that we like. It started as the idea that maybe we loaned it to them, and when they return it, we fake that something's wrong, and. And it kind of gets Nick off the hook. That's where we started, but.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But Ryan kind of came up with maybe a better way to crack it. Now, it does put a little bit on you, but we all have talked, and we feel pretty confident you could pull it off. But we don't want to just tell Nick what to tell you what to do. It's not. This isn't the Honeymooners.

[G]

Yeah. How comfortable would you be not lying, Ryan.

[B]

It's Ryan's pitch.

[F]

So, Ryan, why don't.

[B]

Ryan, why don't you walk Molly through the ask here, and let's see what we can do.

[G]

Going back to when Nick first got this mower, you could immediately. Apparently, according to Nick, you could immediately tell how protective he was of it. He mentioned you wanting to take a Ride on it. And him feeling a little uncomfortable about that. And he let you, right?

[A]

He did let me. Yeah.

[B]

You knew that he was not, you know, he wasn't, like, over the moon about the idea, though.

[G]

Yeah. He's not letting you take a run over.

[A]

Correct. But I didn't push it. I understood. I think I was respectful of the boundaries.

[B]

Well, the beauty of this one is you don't push. This is a writer.

[A]

All right.

[D]

There you go.

[A]

There you go.

[G]

All right, so here would be. The plan is somewhere organically, when you're talking to. We're calling them the Parks. Mrs. Park. One on one, you might mention to her, you know, like, oh, you know, Nick and I got in a little fight last night.

[B]

So the first. Just quickly, Nick takes it out. Nick takes the lawnmower out for a ride. The neighbors now know you've all stepped up. You have the bigger motor.

[E]

Go ahead, Ryan.

[G]

Yep. So you had just mentioned, you know, maybe there was a little squirmish, a little battle over this, because. And we can be flexible on how this came up, but you might have walked through the garage or gotten something out of the shed, wherever you store this machine, and you bumped it in the wrong way. And there's the tiniest little scratch on it. Tiny. Like, not even noticeable to anyone, except you admitted it to him and he went off the handle and just really froze up and got sad about it. Cause this is his baby.

[D]

And you guys.

[B]

Or. Well, before we jump in, I wanna point out that Ryan did come up with a new wor, which is squirmish.

[G]

Yeah. You've never heard the word.

[B]

Like, when someone squirms and then you have a fight with them, it's a squirming skirmish. It's a squirmish.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Or.

[E]

Or.

[B]

Or maybe here, Molly, the pitches. You did take it out for a spin, and you hit a rock, and he. He was not. I mean, again, we don't want to make it seem like the parks are like, what the hell is going on in that house? Over. But we definitely want you to enjoy to say, I mean, you guys, like, my husband loves his lawnmower more than he loves me right now. I hit a rock, and he was like, he thinks he needs to call a repair guy. I mean, he's really. He really cares about this whole thing.

[A]

Okay. I mean, I. I think I like the scratch approach a little better, to be honest. I don't love the idea of me being, like, the dumb girl that can't mow the lawn. Hit a Rock, type of.

[G]

That's what I was saying, Gareth.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

I just want to point out that this pitch works for non binary or any gender.

[D]

Yes. No, no, for sure. I don't have an agenda.

[B]

Okay. Okay. I think that now. Okay.

[F]

Now.

[B]

Do we. How do we feel about that, Ryan? That's your initial pitch.

[G]

I like it. I was, I was going to say just to. Just to make sure that nobody thinks you guys are getting in like, any major battles, but that it's more like he's giving you the silent treatment. He's giving you a little bit of the cold shoulder. Just. And it lasted like a day, but it was like, God, he's.

[B]

It's something left.

[G]

It's a little funny to you. Yeah, that's the thing.

[D]

I CHUCKLE So, Molly, now that time has passed.

[B]

Yes. Now we're back. But boy, I'll tell you one thing I'm not gonna do is walk within a foot of that lawnmower.

[A]

That mower. Yeah. Okay. I feel you.

[B]

Okay. You feel okay about that, Molly?

[D]

I do. I do.

[A]

I do that.

[B]

Do you mind if we. Let's prep this. This is helpful on the show. Sometimes I don't know if you listen to the show, but it's a hell of a show. But. But I think that's a no. And what I would. What I would say is let's have Ryan play Mrs. Park. I'll play Mr. Park. I'm not going to be featured as much because I can get a little. I don't get a lot of acting work, so I really kind of. I go crazy in these. And Molly, you be, you know, and let's see how it goes. If you're talking to the Parks about this situation and, and is Nick still there?

[A]

Nick is here.

[B]

Okay. So Nick can hear your side of it so that we can get a feel of how this is going to go. And then we'll talk schedule of when we're going to do this, and then I think we're going to solve this problem. So, Ryan, Mrs. Park, I'm Mr. Park.

[C]

Molly.

[E]

Or you.

[B]

And let's, let's just start. I guess maybe, Molly, you're over there for some reason, you're having a, A, a drink when Nick's not there. Maybe something like that.

[D]

Sure.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

All right, let's say that happens. Maybe you bring something over. You bring over a little wine or something.

[A]

Okay. Okay. So. Hi, how are you?

[D]

Hey, how's it going?

[G]

Get in here and sit down. Take a load off, please. Take a load off. Thank you. For the wine.

[A]

Oh, hey, anytime. I hope you like rose.

[G]

All day.

[B]

She's always saying that. I'll be in here.

[G]

Gosh. So how are things? What's going on?

[A]

So I don't know if you saw that Nick actually got a new mower recently. The ride on, one that we've been talking about.

[G]

We saw that. We saw that.

[B]

I did see that. I came back in real quick, but I did see that.

[G]

We love it. We love the color.

[B]

It looks amazing. It looks brandy.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it's great. Great orange. Well, I will tell you. I will say, I cannot go anywhere near that thing anymore. I accidentally scratched it, and he was so pissed.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[G]

Oh, my gosh. We were just gonna. It's so funny because we're bringing it up, but.

[B]

Yeah, go ahead.

[G]

We were gonna ask if you guys were opening up to the neighborhood, if you know what I mean.

[A]

You know, I'll be honest. It was something that I think we would have been maybe open to. But now, seeing that reaction once I scratch. I mean, I barely tapped it, but it's. You couldn't even see it.

[D]

But I'll have to show you that.

[G]

He couldn't have gone that crazy, though. He couldn't have gone that nuts. It's just a scratch.

[A]

Oh, you'd be surprised.

[B]

What did he say, Molly? Quote him.

[A]

I mean, I'd rather not, you guys. You know, he was just. It was in the heat of the moment, but everything's fine. You know, it's just like I say, I. We. Yeah. I don't want to even go there with him again.

[G]

Honey.

[B]

I'm right here, babe. I'm right here.

[C]

More.

[G]

More wine, please.

[B]

You drank all that?

[E]

Rose.

[B]

It's crazy. She's not do. She has her bad days.

[F]

Molly.

[B]

Molly, I think that was great. Now, now, Ryan, what was the thing that we. We gave ourselves. The great gesture on it was that she. How did you get it out that they. You preempted it. You were like.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

You said, I don't. She was like, I would have done. We would have known it out. We would have loaned it out. You kind of got ahead of it, which I think is. Is great.

[G]

Yeah, that was.

[A]

You know, I don't want to paint him in a light that he's, you know, just.

[D]

Just.

[B]

It's a little funny, too. It's like, a little. It's a little, like, funny that. It's like, geez, he's crazy about this thing.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Your.

[G]

Your energy was perfect on that because you weren't you weren't making him look too crazy, but there was a hint of like. You don't want to get involved in this.

[B]

Molly. You feel like you can do this and will do this?

[A]

I think so.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

All right. You're fantastic. You nailed it. Can you throw Nick back on the phone? Because he was. We just want to make sure. Yeah, but great work. We're going to talk scheduling with Nick real quick.

[A]

Sounds good. Have a good one.

[B]

All right. Thank you.

[G]

She nailed it.

[B]

Nailed it.

[F]

Nick, she's better. She's better than me.

[A]

Nick.

[B]

She's better than you. I don't want to say.

[F]

I know, but believe me, she's the ace. She's the A side.

[B]

Yeah, she completely. She's the A and the B side. You're the. The label didn't even want you to get out there.

[D]

It's. It's true.

[F]

I'm just some torn up cdr just off in the corner.

[B]

Completely. So do you feel good about her performance and how she just did that? Nick?

[F]

I do. I feel great.

[E]

I feel.

[F]

I feel great about it. She knocked it out of the park.

[B]

And when. When are we going to have her go over there and do this? Because the day before, let's have you mow the lawn on the. On the riding mower.

[F]

I mean, we can do it this weekend. I mean, it's. It's the perfect weekend for him.

[B]

Okay, so here's what I say.

[G]

Last. Last thing. What if. What if Molly invites her over for a glass of wine while you're mowing the lawn?

[F]

That way you're sure.

[G]

That way you're sure she sees that. I guess you don't know about the husband, though.

[B]

I don't hate it. I worry that. I just worry we're pulling off a big production.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

But I don't hate it. What's nice about it is you're nowhere in earshot, and there's a. You know what? Okay, Ryan, what we could do. He starts mowing the lawn. Halfway through, Molly comes over with a bottle of wine. Can you hear the thing we got next door? Yeah. He's mowing the lawn. He loves this thing. It's maybe an easier in.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[G]

And. And you take away that window in case. If he's mowing the lawn. If Nick is mowing the lawn, they could walk over right then. You. You are taking a gamble in that little window.

[B]

It is psychotic. Within nine hours, they're like, can we borrow it? You guys are out of control.

[F]

He just beat Me out on my lawn asking if he can use it. Now he's gonna put a quarter on the dad.

[B]

Places, places.

[G]

I got next.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, what do you think, Nick?

[F]

We.

[B]

We kind of have laid this out pretty in a couple of ways. What. What way do you want to do? What way are you going to go with it?

[F]

I think I like the. The what you just laid out, which was, you know, her bringing up that she may have scratched it and that I. I was not pumped about it. And I'm okay with the fact that I'm more worried about the scratch than I am my neighbors thinking I'm irrationally angry about things. I have a therapist. She's a therapist, too. It's fine. I'm getting it worked out, but I think that that is probably the best approach because like you said at the top, this is a problem that I have created in my own mind. And I'm just trying to mitigate any what if that comes across in this situation. I'm trying to nip this in the bud and make sure that they just never want to even look at it.

[B]

This is a full bud nipping. Okay, so can we mow the lawn tomorrow afternoon? And then can we have Molly go over there? Evening or Sunday?

[F]

I think so. I think that's very realistic.

[B]

I feel good to go here.

[F]

Yeah, I feel. I feel great.

[B]

Okay. All right, well, Nick, keep us posted. Let us know how it goes.

[F]

I absolutely will.

[B]

Buddy boy, you enjoy that mower, okay? Because it sounds like you've got two soul mates in that house.

[F]

Yes, and one of them is the mower.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. All right, buddy boy. Go get him.

[G]

Thanks, Nick.

[F]

All right, thanks, fellas.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Hi. How are you?

[D]

I'm good. How are you?

[C]

Good.

[B]

We know you're a follow up. What's your name

[D]

for that call? We were using? Stella, but I've been told I can break anonymity. My name is Christina Stella.

[C]

I don't remember. Are you?

[B]

Do you?

[C]

No.

[B]

Oh, yeah, me either. Okay. What was the first call?

[D]

Christina, My daughter has a six toe.

[C]

Oh, right.

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

Lamorne and Hannah were on that call.

[B]

I. I've seen a clip from this call, I believe. What. What was the problem exactly?

[D]

So the problem started when she didn't want to go get a pedicure when we had some family in town and we were doing girl time, and she expressed that she was just uncomfortable with

[F]

the sixth toe always being commented on.

[D]

So they were, you know, pitching some ideas about how to handle that.

[C]

Okay. So. Yeah, so what was.

[F]

And there was a whole thing about the toes name.

[C]

Yeah, the whole life, the whole bit of it was had this kid should lead out on it. And if somebody was like, well, you have a six toe, be shocked.

[D]

Funny.

[C]

Make a joke, name it something. Just get in front of the joke.

[B]

Right.

[C]

What did you end up doing? Or what did she end up doing? How's she doing and what's happening?

[D]

She's doing well. She still has not gotten a pedicure, but she's been more open to that because she tried to do it herself. And it looks pretty tragic.

[F]

So we're.

[D]

We're going to get that done eventually. But she did have her toes out because we live in southeastern Virginia. It gets really hot here. And there were comments made at school and she had. I guess she's renamed it. But I do have her here if you wanted to talk to her.

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[D]

Charlotte. There you go.

[F]

Hi.

[C]

What's up, Charlotte?

[B]

Hi, Charlotte.

[D]

Hi.

[C]

Hi. So give us an update. What's going on from your POV on this.

[E]

Where are we at?

[C]

We're catching up to you.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Great. Clearing of the throat.

[B]

A speech is coming. Four score and seven.

[D]

I went to school and it was like the last day of school or like one of the last days of school. And somehow, like, my teacher and having money in my class, I can't remember how they found out that I had an extra toe.

[C]

The teacher did.

[D]

And they were all like, oh, let me see it, let me see it. And I'm like, no. And they were all like, well, like, you don't even have to show us. You can just take a photo and like, show it to us real quick.

[A]

Also, I wasn't really feeling the vibe

[D]

of my toad name, and my friend came up with a new one and she's really big on basketball players. So my toe's new name is Toby Bryant.

[B]

Listen, Charlotte, I'm gonna tell you right now, that's awesome.

[C]

That's awesome. So what about this? If they say, can we see? You say, Toby Bryant is. Isn't doing photos right now. What about Toby shy? Or Toby is not interested in seeing them. We're going back to person, so it's not you. If they're like, if you get in that situation again and there's a bunch of kids going like, let me see it. And you're like, this is turning into a goddamn nightmare. Then you go, guys, if it were up, up to me, I would. And they go, what? You simply are Toby's manager. Toby said, no, guys, I would love Madonna to come out of this hotel room and greet you. Madonna ain't coming out. You're stuck with me, Jerry. You want to see me Vogue, guys? If not, back it up and head home to.

[B]

I. I agree. I think. I mean, I feel like you're.

[C]

Toby Bryant's incredible.

[B]

Phenomenal. All I want to do is beat it. And I can't. Try Tony Hawk.

[C]

Toby or Toby Hawk.

[B]

Toe Hawk.

[C]

Toby Hawk's pretty good.

[B]

Or how about

[C]

the little guy with the crutch? Tiny toe.

[B]

Tiny toe.

[C]

Also good. Tiny Tim always say he wanted. What did he want to eat?

[B]

Topeshi.

[C]

Topeshi's pretty. Be careful with topeshi. Why kick your ass?

[D]

Who will?

[C]

Topeshi.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

He'll stab you in the neck.

[A]

Who's that?

[C]

Joe Pesci.

[B]

Part of the problem here, too, Charlotte, is we're old people.

[C]

Toe Piscopo.

[B]

Jesus Christ. How did you get.

[C]

Oh, Toe Biden?

[B]

Oh, Biden.

[C]

President Trumpet is President. Toe Biden is asleep. You make a Joe Biden sleeping joke. You. I got. I got sleepy. Toe Biden. He just fell asleep.

[B]

So Biden. Joe Biden's real good, Charlotte. That's what I would keep doing is keep renaming it.

[C]

I think so, too.

[B]

Rotate the name. There can be a lot of toe puns. I'm available to pitch on these if you need an email every now and then.

[C]

But I think this would be an.

[D]

I need to be celebrities, though. It needs to stick on the.

[B]

Yeah. Toe Biden. He was the last president.

[C]

She said celebrity to.

[B]

Biden's a celebrity. Charlotte. Toe Biden's a. Jonas.

[D]

No, I know. No, I know.

[B]

Sorry to yell at you. It's good to meet you. What are you saying?

[D]

What?

[B]

What are you saying about. What are your. The toe needs to be a celebrity.

[C]

How you liking this back and forth? How do you think it's going for you right now?

[D]

I need to be a celebrity.

[B]

Say that again, Charlotte. Sorry. An idiot was talking.

[C]

Talking.

[D]

I said, yes, the Tony to be a celebrity.

[C]

Agreed.

[B]

Yeah, I agree to. And I'm. I'm supporting my friend here who just attacked me for no reason. Toe Biden is a great one.

[C]

Agreed. How you feeling, kid? Where you at? How's your summer going?

[D]

This is good. It's good. It's good.

[C]

Okay. Is there anything in this followup we can pitch you on or talk to her? Do you just want to tell us things are going good and you have called?

[D]

There was another interaction. I. I forgot. I just remembered.

[C]

Do you want to tell us Charlotte and Do you want advice on it? What do you want to do? You're the boss.

[D]

No, I just want to tell you

[A]

guys, I was at a water park,

[D]

and this kid came behind me and my group of friends. We turn around, just talking, and then we looked down. He has four toes and I have six.

[F]

Whoa.

[D]

So we go to him. I'm like, do you want one of my toes? We can both have the correct thing on the toes. And it was just like this whole joke.

[C]

It's pretty good.

[B]

What did he. What did he say? Was he cool with that?

[D]

Yeah, he was just like. He's just talking about it.

[C]

Did he have kind of, like, broccoli hair? Like, permy kind of top? What, his hair?

[B]

Thanks for calling, Charlotte. No, we're good.

[C]

Did he have that, like, curly hair that all the kids your age have? That, like, mop top?

[D]

No, it was like. It was like an 8 year old.

[C]

Oh, he's a little guy.

[B]

He's tiny. Tiny toe. Charlotte, listen, this is great. You're in a great spot. Quiet, Jake. You're in a great spot. I think you're fine. Here's what I'll say. If you ever need to rename the toe, email the show.

[A]

We'll.

[B]

We'll toe pitch.

[C]

She's pretty. I think she's got that.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But I think she comes up with, good.

[B]

Tell what happened to your fingers. Tell her why you have tape on your fingers.

[C]

I dislocated my finger playing beach volleyball with a bunch of ladies and children.

[B]

And then what happened?

[C]

I put it back in place. I didn't tell anyone because I was embarrassed. And now it's hurting really bad. So I have tape on it to remind myself to stop using it.

[B]

That's who you're listening to right now. Charlotte.

[C]

Charlotte, it was great to hear from you. You're doing great. We might be calling you.

[B]

I was just gonna say, if you have a show, we're gonna call it. You seem to be handling life really well.

[C]

Yeah, you're handling.

[B]

You're real professional. All right, Charlotte, thanks so much.

[E]

Bye.

[C]

Do better than us.

[D]

Thanks, guys.

[B]

Bye, Christina.

[C]

Bye. Bye.

[F]

Bye.

[C]

Hi, guys.

[B]

Love the podcast.

[D]

Got me through loads of sleepless nights when I had my baby earlier this year. I wanted to hop on, though, and

[B]

say this to anyone who hasn't followed up.

[A]

Please follow up.

[B]

For those of us who are listening

[D]

religiously, we need to know what's going on with you. And secondly, pay the tab for your fun uncles. It's the least you can do. It's the least you can do for these guys.

[B]

So please follow up.

[C]

Okay?

[E]

I mean it.

[A]

Love you.

[E]

Bye,

[C]

Everybody. Check out our show on Hulu. It drops a day early and there's also back catalog episodes.

[B]

That's right. So we're here to help as now on Hulu A day early. If you want to listen to the back catalog, we're dropping those from season one and season two. It's just. Join us. Let's go.

[C]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto helppod to see our entire catalog.

[B]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds dot com. Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[G]

That was a Headgum podcast. That was a Headgum podcast.

[B]

What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody?

[F]

I'm Beck Bell.

[E]

And man.

[B]

Ooh, we got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes. It's a brand new podcast on Headgum.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

And it's called what's Our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast should be about.

[F]

Yeah, we don't.

[B]

So we actually have guests come on

[C]

and they tell us what they think

[F]

our podcast should be about, and then we try it. Yep.

[B]

Guests like Mark Maron, Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Kate Berlant, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter

[C]

and Tim Balt, landon Axler, Joanie McGreez, and Dender and Dender.

[B]

New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's our podcast on YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm gonna go do it right now.