315: Who's This Animal & I Deny These Orders

Summary

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We're Here to Help – Episode 315: Who's This Animal & I Deny These Orders

Release Date: August 12, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Notable Guest: Christian Lee Navarro (Dungeons & Dragons actor)

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Main Theme

Jake and Gareth return with their signature blend of offbeat friendship and dubious life advice, tackling listener questions ranging from navigating disrespect at work to asserting yourself in marriage. The episode delivers its typical diet of tongue-in-cheek humor, mock roleplay, and enthusiastic attempts at practical solutions—with a special focus on reinventing your persona to gain respect and standing up to intimidating partners.

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Episode Highlights

1. Catching Up: Rats, Holes, and Hygiene (00:38–12:46)

• Recap of Previous Listener Backlash: Discussion about an earlier episode’s joke involving pet rats, which drew fire from the "pro-rat community."
  • “A lot of pro rat people got into the comments... rats are great pets.” (02:09 – Gareth)
• Down-the-Rabbit-Hole Jokes about Cleanliness and Holes:
  • Jake riffs on animal behavior—rats’ sense of humor and hygiene habits—with extended jokes about “respecting holes” and the awfulness of poor ear hygiene.
  • “I will never have a rodent near my—any hole in my body.” (02:51 – Jake)
• Personal Grooming & Smell Awareness:
  • Gareth and Jake reminisce about the impact of a bad-smelling teacher and Jake’s own custom cologne, humorously dubbed “Dad Smell.”
  • “I made my individual smell. You know what I call it? Dad Smell.” (07:58 – Jake)

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2. First Caller: AJ, the Disrespected Safety Coordinator (12:46–48:00)

Setup (13:01–14:08)

• Caller: AJ, 26, from Cincinnati, Ohio
• Problem: As a young safety coordinator on construction sites, AJ struggles to earn respect from much older, seasoned workers—often encountering open sarcasm, dismissal, and lack of compliance.

AJ’s Dilemma (14:08–19:06)

• AJ recaps awkward encounters, including a senior worker stonewalling his attempt at a self-deprecating joke.
  • “Son, does your mom know you’re here?” – Construction worker to AJ, who tries to retort but gets nothing but a stone face. (17:21–17:51)

Advice Brainstorm: Rebranding as “Ace” (22:34–38:13)

• Persona Upgrade: Jake and Gareth brainstorm a full character transformation—AJ should become “Ace,” a tough, world-weary type who cares less about being liked and more about doing his job.

  • “Ace doesn’t give a fuck about this shit. He cares about his paycheck.” (22:37–22:57 – Jake)

• Look Makeover:

  • Grow out some stubble or goatee, switch to cool Oakley shades, “beat up” your hardhat with scratches/dings.
  • Wear less tidy, more well-worn safety shirts (“don’t wash it too much... look like you’ve been working.”) (36:13–36:55)
  • Consider carrying a spit cup (or use faux “dip” pouches for the construction worker look).
  • “Let’s also ding the hard hat a little bit… get a little bit of a beard… goatee.” (25:16–25:29 – Gareth, Jake)

• Attitude Reset:

  • Openly admit you care less about their safety for its own sake—frame warnings as strictly job-related.
  • “I couldn’t care less if that 2 by 8 fell on your head and cracked your skull open…but because I get paid here to do something, here’s what I need to tell you…” (23:13 – Jake as “Ace”)

• Practice Roleplay and Lines:

  • They coach AJ through more assertive, even gruff interactions, including simulated angry phone calls (“Don’t put me in a position where I have to react!”) and brusque safety reminders.
  • “Don’t make me tell you again. And don’t call me at work. Fellas, when you’re near the stairs, this is it. I don’t care if you fall. I promise you, AJ, it's on my ass if you do.” (41:13–41:41 – Jake as “Ace”)
  • AJ rehearses his new “Ace” persona with increasing confidence and bravado, getting cheered on and critiqued by the hosts for authenticity.
  • “You did awesome. I promise you, if you do that sincerely, it’s gonna change.” (45:54 – Jake)

Notable Quotes from this Segment:

• “Ace is a man of the people. Ace has the weird kind of green shirt that stinks. He smells gross. You don’t want Ace to lay in bed with your lady.” (37:25 – Jake)
• “You walk in there with this Ace character slowly forming. Then there’s a black eye, and somebody asks, what happened? And your answer is this: Nothing.” (32:51 – Jake)

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3. Second Caller: Josh’s Marital Standoff (52:39–74:46)

Setup & Problem (54:39–58:48)

• Caller: Josh, 48, Atlanta area, ex-Marine/firefighter/SWAT, now in tech.
• Problem: Despite a career full of danger, Josh is “terrified” of his much smaller, feisty Puerto Rican wife—especially around disputes at home, like food preferences. He always backs down or avoids conflict to keep the peace.

The Broccoli Incident (57:24–58:31)

• Josh shares a comical family dinner story where he declared his dislike for broccoli, which set off a “horror movie” response from his wife. He notes her tendency toward loud, direct, and sometimes petty reactions.

Guest Input: Christian Lee Navarro (58:51–59:37)

• Christian, reflecting on his own Puerto Rican heritage, states, “First of all, you are wrong always. That’s what you need to learn with a Puerto Rican woman.”
• He encourages Josh to let her be “more right” and suggests the only way to win is to let her think she came up with the idea.

Issue Escalation and The Lawnmower (61:16–61:57)

• Josh describes how ignoring his wife’s opinion resulted in a complete “clear-cut” of their wooded property—demonstrating her tactical efficiency in domestic disputes.

Advice: Make a “Presidential Speech” Declaration (63:27–74:46)

• The Game Plan:

  • Gareth proposes delivering a humorous, “address to the nation”-style speech, reciting Josh’s heroic credentials and then, in a dignified but comic way, drawing a line about what he will and won’t do—especially regarding food.
  • “God damn it, I got a lot of respect for you, but I will not be steamrolled every time…No. I deny these orders.” (63:27 – Gareth)

• Roleplay and Script Drafting:

  • Josh is encouraged to create this speech, involve his kids, dress for the occasion, and even attempt a Spanish translation for extra credit.
  • Christian: “I think you should give it your best go at also reciting this in Spanish directly after.” (72:42)
  • They urge him to reference real-life heroics (saving people/animals), build comic momentum, and record the event for the podcast.

• Josh’s Speech – Memorable Excerpt (69:02–71:15):

  • “My courage is undisputed. Yet for too long, a silent crisis has plagued the executive branch of this home. Under the guise of domestic harmony, this administration has engaged in a policy of absolute unconditional surrender…But tonight, I choose freedom! Tonight, I find my voice…” (69:02–71:15 – Josh)

• Hosts’ Praise and Encouragement:

  • “That is some next level…You did an incredible job, Josh. Excited to see what happens.” (71:26–74:16 – Gareth & Christian)

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4. Listener Follow-Up: “Eat a Dick” Empowerment (76:57–77:21)

• Caller Testimonial:
  • A longtime Midwestern listener reports newfound confidence after applying the show’s advice to “embrace rudeness,” telling off an aggressive driver with the now-iconic line: “Shut up, asshole, and eat a dick.”
    • “It felt so, so good to not be like, oh my God, they hate me…No, they were the one in the wrong. They were the asshole. And I didn’t need to feel bad about that.” (76:57–77:21 – Listener)

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Notable Quotes

• “I will never have a rodent near my—any hole in my body.” (02:51 – Jake)
• “Ace doesn’t give a fuck about this shit. He cares about his paycheck.” (22:37 – Jake)
• “Tonight, I choose freedom! Tonight, I find my voice!” (71:11 – Josh)
• “First of all, you are wrong always. That’s what you need to learn with a Puerto Rican woman.” (58:51 – Christian)
• “Shut up, asshole, and eat a dick.” (77:05 – Listener)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening Banter & Rat Controversy: 00:38–12:46
• AJ’s “Ace” Makeover & Roleplay: 12:46–48:00
• Josh vs. Broccoli: Marital Showdown & Speech: 52:39–74:46
• Best Quotes & Listener Win: 76:57–77:21

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Tone and Delivery

The episode is classic "We're Here to Help": equal parts earnest and absurd, blending heartfelt attempts at good advice with relentless riffing and character play. The humor is self-aware, sometimes crude, always delivered with warmth and genuine interest in caller outcomes.

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For New Listeners

This episode is an excellent showcase of the show’s strengths:

• Freewheeling banter and comedic bits on everyday annoyances
• Inventive, often theatrical approaches to problem-solving
• Willingness to get silly in service of real empowerment
• Encouragement to experiment with identity (“become Ace”), communicate directly, and—when needed—stand your ground, even if in a presidential address to your spouse

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If you’d like to call in, email [e-mail].
Watch episodes early on Hulu or catch audio on all platforms.

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Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

And we are back.

[A]

Hey, man, what's up? How you feeling about the show, baby?

[B]

I'm feeling real good, babe. How you feeling, babe?

[A]

I'm feeling good. I think we got some nice momentum. I think we've had some good calls. We've had some good guests. I think we're delivering a great show to the audience. I think our audience is in a good period. I think we're in a nice groove. I think the Cat Reitman world is getting exciting.

[B]

She's getting a mic. She's getting a mic. It's official. That's like. That's as good as putting a ring on it.

[A]

Agreed. That's in our business. And you know what?

[B]

She already experienced her first round of blowback, which was. Which was that there was someone. One of our callers was someone whose girlfriend was. Or it might have been. Wife was sort of, you know, keeping. Basically had a house pigeon. And that story started. The problem started with talking about rats, owning rats, and Kat and I were having a laugh. Now, you know me. I am very. I'm fine. I would watch Animal Hoarders and I'd go, I don't see a problem here. So I am into bringing whatever you want to bring into your house. And I do like. But we had fun, Jake, and a lot of people did not like that. We were yucking it up. I think what happened was I said, why don't you get a couple more rats and have them meet your wife, you know, to get rid of the problem? And. And a lot of pro rat people got into the comments and were, well, what did.

[A]

What have you. Just. What did you say wrong about the rats? What the pro rat community say?

[B]

They were like, rats are great pets and rats are great. And we were just.

[A]

By the way, I know that because I saw. I think it was a documentary about them.

[B]

Oh, let me tell you.

[A]

Let me tell you a little something about these sons of bitches. They love to cuddle.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They have a sense of humor.

[B]

That's a hard thing to tell.

[A]

They. They can make each other laugh.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They like to clean out your ears. That's a form of cuddling. So they will, like, eat your ears out.

[B]

They like thoughts on that.

[A]

I'm not giving.

[B]

Strongly reprimanded a caller for having a cat clean her ears.

[A]

Look, I'm not saying I'm advocating for any of this. I'm just saying the upside of rats.

[B]

You seem open to that part. Keep going.

[A]

I'm going to Be very crystal clear. I will never have a rodent near my. Any hole in my body.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Just to be. Put that out there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If there's a hole that leads inside my body, I don't want a creature.

[B]

We all know the one you're talking about and we get it. I agree.

[A]

Nose too.

[B]

No. Nothing.

[A]

I don't want a rat near my ears. Nose. Mouth. Butthole.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Belly button. Penis.

[D]

Hole.

[B]

I agree. Well I. You know, you made the. Made the butthole seem like a better avenue when you said penis. Yeah. Yeah. Passing on all of it. 100.

[A]

The idea of somebody going, there's a road in cleaning out me. Get away from that hole. I feel like holes. We need to respect them more thing.

[B]

So what are you saying here? You're saying what? Less stuff in them.

[A]

Quit shoving all these things in the hole.

[B]

But there's some holes that you're. We're good with. We've. We've pretty much all signed off on the.

[A]

Yes. But I'll tell you what's a big negative.

[E]

Huh?

[A]

Q tips. This is disgusting. You're pushing wax into a hole.

[B]

This is going to be a good argument.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

And I hear you. They're saying don't. How. Don't do it. How about an alternative? What's the alternative?

[A]

Water pick.

[B]

A water pick. You're blasting water in there. Are you?

[A]

Warm water.

[B]

What are you talking about? Say more words. What are you talking about? Quit being coyote. What are you putting in your ears? Because I'm down.

[A]

I just got.

[B]

They're just. No, they're just. I want clean ears. Have you ever stood behind someone and you've seen in the ear. It is a game changing moment when

[A]

you see a little bit of that orange sunscreen coming out of their ear holes.

[B]

You just go, ah.

[E]

You're like.

[B]

I've been like. I split a sandwich with this guy once.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

I'm just saying it changes your opinion on someone when you see the. The Jurassic park mosquito.

[A]

But I'll tell you what, Gareth. Any fluid out of any hole besides a really special loved one or somebody on a fun night, it's not something another human wants to see in passing.

[B]

That's what. That's my point to you about the Q tips.

[A]

But I feel the same. I feel the same way about a runny nose.

[B]

Now you're pushing it. You're pushing.

[A]

I'm not.

[B]

You are.

[A]

You and I are sitting there having a meal and I have a runny nose. You're going like this. That's cool. And it's dripping on mustache. You're going like this. No, that's different.

[B]

But I. But that's temporary. You're fighting. That's different. Earwax is real bad.

[A]

I'll tell you another thing that's disgusting. Here we go, in between the lips when it gets really chalky terrible in the corners.

[B]

It's awful. I will never forget a teacher I had who had that. Never. She'd get all worked up talking about geography and I'd be like, this is wild.

[A]

Tell you what, I white out there. I had a standing bass teacher named Mr. Hilton.

[B]

Oh, we're name.

[A]

I give a. I'm a bad boy.

[B]

You are. All right, bad boy. Talk to me about Mr. Hollywood Hogan's class.

[A]

I'm Hollywood Hogan.

[B]

It's so funny.

[A]

Mr. Hilton used to stand behind me because I wasn't getting it, brother. And he would do the old teacher, the hunk in a pool hall, to the beautiful lady routine where he's over my hands and over me. And it was the first time that I noticed his personal smell. Gareth. I. I almost had a freak out. I was like, it happened. He went. I was like, that was disgusting. Whenever he would come here, and I'd be like, yeah, no, I think.

[B]

I think that in that moment imprinted on you because the last time we. We recorded in studio, you had a very good smell. I think you. You've become smell aware.

[A]

You know what I have done is I'm a cologne guy.

[B]

Yeah, you had a good. I've never done that. Oh, I'm depending on hide and high endurance.

[A]

But let me tell you the difference. You want to know why you've never done it? In my opinion?

[B]

Because I'm a loser.

[A]

No, because here's what I'm never gonna do. Calvin Klein scent. Yeah, it's the same as Ax Body spray.

[B]

What are you using?

[A]

You're gonna a place in? Sure. I can't remember the name of it, but I went to a place in New York City with my daughters on a vacation thing so they could make their own perfumes. And while I was there, they said, do you want to make one? And I went, a perfume? And they go, no, cologne, you idiot. And I went, I guess so. And they go, what smells do you like? And I go, I don't have an idea. Then the woman goes, smell this. You like it? I go, no, no, third one. I go, yeah. She goes, what would you like to mix that with? I go, how the should I know? She goes, what about that? I go, no, now we're talking Gareth. I made my individual smell. You know what I call it?

[B]

What?

[A]

Dad Smell. You get a little bottle with the thing on it. When it runs out, they could send you another bottle. But I haven't run out of the first one.

[B]

That's. So how are you using your dad smell? I could have pitched. I wish you'd called me for.

[A]

You want to know my first one was because I've made two. Geek Squad.

[B]

Geek Squad is better. Dad. Dad Smell. That sounds like your stand up bass teacher. That's what it sounds like. He splashed on himself with dad.

[F]

Why?

[A]

Why can't it smell good?

[B]

I don't know. It's just like. I don't know. It's not a. It's not. Imagine the commercial. Yeah, that's what I mean. Just like dad Howell.

[A]

Give me three titles in that ASMR type whisper. Let's see if you can top it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. Three, two, one.

[B]

Jake Do.

[A]

No, Jake do is disgusting. Three, two, one.

[B]

Johnson.

[A]

Hum, you know that's bad. Anything with Johnson.

[B]

It sounds like something. The rat's biting.

[A]

Three, two.

[B]

Tasty guy.

[A]

Without further ado, enjoy some ads.

[B]

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[F]

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[B]

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[E]

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[A]

I am legit watching this. This feels like something our podcast should have been producing. I would love to see the best dunkers dunk. We need to discuss the dunk contest and we might need to lower it into a six foot dunk contest presented by Shaquille o'.

[F]

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[A]

Every style every home. Berg told me his burn to you.

[B]

What does that even mean? Hello. Hey.

[E]

Hello.

[B]

Hi. How are you?

[E]

I am doing great. How are you guys?

[B]

Good, thanks. What's your name please?

[E]

My name is aj.

[B]

Hey aj. Where are you calling from, buddy?

[E]

I am calling from Cincinnati, Ohio.

[B]

Beautiful Sin city. How old are you, AJ?

[A]

He's Cincinnati.

[E]

I am 26.

[B]

No, 26 young guy.

[F]

Cool.

[B]

AJ before we get started, Jake, why don't you just come on.

[A]

No, please. A.J. what's going on? What can we do for you today?

[E]

Well, I was coming to ask you guys. So I have a little problem here where construction workers hate me. Hmm.

[A]

Keep going.

[E]

So just for some more context.

[B]

Pausing is crazy. Yeah, pausing's a wild decision. Did you. So how do you fix it?

[A]

Pause for laugh. And by the way, it deserved it.

[B]

Yeah, I'm intrigued.

[E]

So some more context. So I work as a safety coordinator in the industry, and I have a lot of things that kind of work against me. So like I mentioned, I'm a little bit younger at 26. One of my biggest problems.

[A]

In Hollywood?

[B]

No, in construction work.

[A]

What industry?

[B]

In the construction.

[E]

Construction.

[A]

I thought, okay, okay. So you are in the construction industry and you're younger than all the workers,

[B]

and you're the guy who's going up to like a 45 year old, and you're going like, hey, just so you know, that's hard.

[A]

Aj, give us an example really quickly of what you have to say on a regular basis to construction workers.

[E]

Yeah, so I kind of set the scene. It was actually like two weeks ago.

[B]

I.

[E]

There was these guys who are setting like a 20 foot piece of structural steel to kind of start building up the building. And they were working directly over a staircase. So I had to, you know, hey, guys, you got to stop for just a second. And they stopped and they looked at me and I was like, hey, guys, we got to kind of have a better plan than this. And they said, hey, how about you just that off? And then, you know, I get. Not really much you can do from there.

[A]

I get this problem.

[B]

Who hires you? The city?

[E]

No, I work for a subcontractor.

[A]

Okay, but who demands that you're there? Like, for example, in our business, during COVID there was a Covid specialist whose job was to walk up to people and say, you have to be six feet apart. And we were outside shooting the movie I directed, and the DP and the camera operator outside were discussing a shot. And in the middle of it, he walked up and goes like, hey, guys, separate. And the camera operator goes, fuck you or I'll kill you.

[E]

It's like I'm looking in the mirror.

[A]

The sun was setting, and I had to go like. The producer looked at me, and as the director, I had to go like, all right, let's talk this out. I agree we gotta get shooting, but we're not allowed to say thank you.

[B]

I agree we maybe don't need it right now, but you can't say you're

[A]

gonna kill the guy, but also like, get out of here.

[B]

That's not safe. That's not safe. Killing him.

[E]

So we're trying to finish the day.

[D]

Let me be productive.

[A]

So you're the guy who has to go up and tell people who have been doing this job for a long time, hey, guys, make sure your hats are on and careful, don't fall down the stairs.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You're going up to the offensive lineman as a kicker and being like, put your mouth guards in.

[E]

You know, I'm a younger guy, not fat like all the other guys. I didn't really start my career in the construction industry. I kind of worked my way into it and I think for a few of those reasons, you know, they just, they just don't respect me.

[A]

They don't respect you.

[E]

I got my question at the end

[A]

of the day, we'll get to the question. But you're quite. You're a baby face, you're thin. You used to do construction and now you're a safety coordinator. And is that everything the reason you feel like they don't like you?

[E]

I'm sure there's others, but yeah, that's kind of what sticks out to me.

[A]

Okay, well, I'm gonna tell you early on, and I'm not a compliment guy. I like you. I think this is a very likable start to a call. His pauses are funny. I'm not seeing sometimes at this moment, Gareth and I will be looking at each other being like, the reason the construction workers don't like him is because AJ is weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not saying that.

[B]

No. But I do feel he's a little young. He's young and he's kind of. I mean, he feels intimidated. You know, it's like the prison. It's like you walk in, you got to punch the toughest guy in the mouth.

[A]

Yeah, that's interesting.

[E]

Okay, so that's kind of the scary part is, you know, it's my first week and it really set the tone for me because I was being kind of escorted around with one of my co workers and I meet one of the big dogs in town and I walk up, shake his hand, feel confident. He says, son, does your mom know you're here? I was like, yeah, I told her when she was making me my lunch this morning. Haha. I kind of gave it a chuckle. And he was stone faced and did not laugh.

[A]

He killed.

[E]

So yeah, it was kind of like a welcome to the industry moment for me.

[B]

But Damon Wayne, what did he do?

[A]

Damien Waynes Jr. And I have a joke that we're in love with each Other. And we're always like, hey, you look so handsome. Or each other's husband. It's been going on forever. It's an old joke. Damon Wayne Senior came and was part of the joke. So I was like, oh, I get to do this bit with Damo Wayne Senior. And so it was just. The three of us were just like, guys who are in love with each other, and no one was being the guy who wasn't. But it was just like, oh, hey, look at you in that shirt. You are good looking. Look at those arms. And Damon Senior was talking to an older man. We were at the old Cat in the Fiddle, and I was doing jokes, and I walked by and I saw him, and I go like, oh, hey, Damon Senior. Look at you looking sexy, talking to this old chunk over here. And he iced me out. And he goes, yeah, I'm just talking to an old friend, man. What's up? But I had already committed, so I was like. And then I went like, nothing. And he was like, you need something, Jake? And I went like, no. And I went to the bathroom, and I was like, my hands are shaking.

[B]

That is tough.

[A]

So you're just getting killed. So, aj, what is the specific question? The setup is pretty clear, I think, to both of us. We've both been on both sides of this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But.

[E]

Yeah, so how do I get these, you know, these grown men who've been in the industry longer than I've been alive to respect me?

[B]

How long you been working there? How long you been doing this job with this company?

[E]

It's been a little over a year. Okay.

[B]

And you're still. Are you feeling the same level of iced out?

[A]

That's a good question.

[E]

There's definitely some guys who are warming up to me, but, yeah, no, there's definitely still some hound dogs out there who just want no part of me.

[A]

Is there a. Is there an Alpha dog?

[E]

That's so kind of the way it works for me is I work kind of a bunch of different construction sites that I kind of help oversee. So there's. There's always an alpha amongst the different sites. That's. That's for sure.

[A]

Okay. But there's different ones. So there's not like one. This is a movie. We don't have one bad guy.

[D]

Correct.

[A]

Yeah, we're looking for an. Are you kind of looking AJ for an overall character shift or a line or a vibe to you Just start trying this new guy on for size and see how the new AJ Is treated at work.

[F]

That's.

[B]

Yeah,

[E]

I guess it's all maybe a phrase or something. See, they kind of confuse me because. And part of the reason I know what I told you guys a few things I know is working against me is because I. I actually had a guy come up and tell me it to me to my face.

[B]

Tell you what? That they're kind of giving you the business when you're not around.

[A]

What do you say?

[E]

Yeah. So he. I was talking to somebody else. It's, you know, we start really early in the morning, so it. We get there start at six, it's maybe seven o', clock, and I'm talking to somebody. Mind our own business. He walks up to me and goes, you know what your problem is? I was like, all right, well, good morning to you, too.

[A]

Bad stuff.

[E]

And he said, you're young and you're in safety. I was like, all right, well, you're fat and annoying. And, you know, he talked to him, walked away.

[A]

What did you say, aj, you didn't say that.

[E]

Thought he was fat and annoying.

[A]

No, you thought that. But what did you say? Thank you.

[E]

Oh, no, no, I did say that to him.

[A]

You did?

[E]

What, did he chuckle and walked away. But I was like, this is so backwards. I was taught to be nice to people, and they respect me more for being rude.

[A]

Oh, I get what's happening here.

[B]

Well, that's interesting. Okay. I mean, I. What are you wearing to work, aj? Then we'll. Then we'll get into the. The pitching portion. But I'm curious what you physically like at work. You have any stubble?

[E]

No. I feel like that kind of works against me.

[A]

Can you create stubble?

[B]

Yeah, you can create more than you

[A]

have now, but here's what I'm saying on it. Take a little bit of mascara and darken it.

[B]

No. Nope. I'm not saying we bring makeup to this fight. No. What are you talking about?

[A]

Back off.

[B]

Yeah. Come on.

[A]

I put the sword down there.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. So, aj, you're clean shaven. Do you wear glasses? Safety goggles?

[A]

What do you sort of makeup?

[B]

No. There'll be no makeup.

[A]

Back off.

[E]

No.

[B]

Yeah, drop the makeup.

[E]

But, yeah, I do wear the clear or shaded safety glasses.

[B]

Okay, so, Jake, let me walk you through what we're dealing with so far.

[A]

Bedazzle.

[B]

He's got. Stop pitching. He's got no hair on his face.

[A]

Baby face.

[B]

And he's wearing the Rex specs.

[A]

Awful.

[B]

And he's going up to guys going, fellas, hey.

[A]

And he's skinny.

[B]

I love you guys, but can you not hold that beam over that staircase? And they're like, hey, go fuck yourself.

[A]

Let me tell you. You know who that is? That's AJ. You know who we need to create J.

[F]

A?

[A]

Ace.

[E]

Ace.

[F]

You know what?

[A]

Ace doesn't give a fuck about this shit.

[B]

Safety.

[A]

Safety. You know what Ace has to do? Care about it. So a line like this, Ace, hey, fellas, for starters, I don't give a rat. Says if you fall and bang that dumb head of yours and spill your brains out your ears. But because I get paid to say it two steps away from the hole, you dope.

[B]

Yeah, that's good. I like that you don't care. Well, let's give him some lines, but let's talk physically, too.

[A]

But. But first, Ace, what are you thinking of this approach

[E]

so far? I. As long as I keep walking my talk, I think this could. This could work.

[A]

You'll say all this stuff. It has to start talking with this type of guy. I want to start by saying, hey, Jimmy, I got to start by saying, I couldn't care less if that 2 by 8 fell on your head and cracked your skull open.

[B]

As a matter of fact, it'd be an honor.

[A]

And he goes, I gotta say, I'd probably laugh hard. And I've ever laughed in ages. But because I get paid here to do something, here's what I need to tell you. If you're underneath a 2x4, pal, put a helmet on, okay? Because if you don't, one, I'm gonna laugh until I split my sides until I'm gonna get fired. And I'm not getting fired because you're a dope. Yeah, I don't care about your safety. I do care about my paycheck because the old lady's up my ass. That's Ace.

[B]

Okay, Back off.

[A]

My wife's cool. The wishes mistress is costing me a fortune.

[B]

Yeah, come on. You're stressing me out. You know, burp a little bit and just be like, whiskey and pizza.

[A]

But this kind of idea. What do you think of this guy going forward?

[E]

You know, I have a feeling the. The scene might not fit the picture. But I'm willing to try it.

[B]

Yeah, I think you got to try it.

[A]

Let's try it.

[B]

I'm also going to say this. We're going. No rec. Specs, sunglasses.

[A]

Do you have to wear those glasses, or does AJ have to? Does Ace have to.

[E]

We might be able to find some cooler ones for Ace. I know Oakley's got some out there that look pretty slick.

[B]

Yeah, you got to go in a direction.

[A]

What are you doing with your hair?

[E]

Well, I have to. I do have to wear a hard

[B]

hat, but, like, can you beat it

[A]

up a little bit? What city are you.

[E]

So. It's Cincinnati.

[A]

Fucking put a bangles thing on that.

[B]

Or you know what else we should put on it? A bunch of, like, marks. Like, things have fallen and hit you. Like you've been through some.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Yes. You know what this is? Yeah. You know what? I would. I wouldn't do a ton every day. I would do one.

[B]

I think we mark up that. The hard hat a little bit also. Look, okay. I'm sure you're happy with how you look, so feel free to push back on any of this. Let's grow some stubble. Let's get a little bit of a beard.

[A]

Goatee.

[B]

A goatee. Okay. And you. Once you get. Once you're. Once you're established and people are listening to you a little more, you can, you know, back off it. But right now, you're kind of Tommy boy.

[A]

Quick pause. Edge. Will you take a quick selfie and send it? Send it in. I'd love to see a pick. And we'll blur your eyes.

[B]

We'll blur your eyes out. So if you're worried about us seeing your eyeballs.

[A]

Yeah, we'll just, you know, just. We're gonna blur those outside the eyes so they can't see the eyes. But the audience should see that little baby face.

[B]

Yeah. Give us a look here.

[A]

Can we get a look at that face of yours?

[B]

Will you email a picture?

[E]

Yeah, let me feel. I can do.

[A]

Let me ask you a question. What do you know as we're waiting for this photo? What do you know about local sports?

[E]

I'm a big fan of local sports. So between fcc, the Bengals, and spc, all that stuff, I'm a big fan.

[A]

What's spc?

[E]

It's our soccer team. So it's Cincinnati Soccer Club.

[B]

Let's stick with the Bengals, pal, We're really trying to get you out of here. Okay? I like the lacrosse team. I'm super into competitive Jenga. My favorite game is where you got to throw a little ring and get it on a moose antler.

[A]

Yeah, we're talking about the ones the construction workers are like. Yeah, the bangles.

[B]

You got any tattoos, ace?

[E]

I have one.

[B]

What is it?

[E]

I do have one. It's on my wrist.

[A]

It says face.

[E]

It's a compass with an anchor coming out of the bottom of it. What is cool, like, an anchor coming. Compass with an anchor coming out the bottom of it.

[A]

Compass. But that is cool. I'm just glad it doesn't say breathe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Era of women who got tattoos that

[B]

said breathe or just like a Chinese symbol or like really, like, light cursive

[A]

that just said, like, you know, walk.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. What are you doing? Remembering to take one step after the other, like. All right, but A.J. what about one of the things is starting off with a little bit of pre safety. Bengals talk, Reds talk. Loosen people up with your expertise. It's so easy to talk sports.

[B]

You know what else? And I. I'm not. We might be pitch. Oh, boy. Yep. I would not listen to you. I'm not kidding you. You are. You know who. You look like a McCown.

[A]

Yeah, he does.

[B]

You look like a McCown.

[A]

You look like Josh McCown, the football player's kid.

[C]

Yeah, you.

[B]

I mean, you're. You're. Listen, you're young.

[A]

You're a nice looking kid, but you

[B]

look like a Mormon.

[A]

I don't expect you on a construction site in Cincinnati.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, you look.

[E]

Sunglasses and a nice little hard hat on. You wouldn't. You wouldn't listen to me.

[A]

No, but I'm hearing. I'm now seeing what's happening. You've got. You do have a baby face. I'm not totally into. I hear what you're saying about the facial hair. I'm not positive. At his age, it's fully grown in mustache. I must be really thin.

[B]

It'll grow.

[A]

It will look like a detective in France a little bit.

[B]

I think like a Poirot.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Or.

[E]

Beard is definitely off the table.

[A]

But here's what I would like you to do, and I mean this sincerely. Now, my pitch to you. Look wise. Get those cool Oakleys, take a handful of hair gel, put it in slick back. Not like you're in a 50s musical, not.

[E]

Not like Italian mobster.

[A]

No. Don't overdo it.

[B]

We're gonna make this building something special. Christ, A.J.

[D]

a.J.

[B]

Come on, guys. Hand me the beam. Let's do it right now. Be careful, everybody. That's against the safety rules.

[E]

You think I should do the song? I shouldn't do the song.

[A]

So, A.J. here's what I think you do. You take a nice little scoop. If this was a burg cooking recipe, it would be just a little handful of mayonnaise.

[B]

Just a little bit L. A look. Thank you.

[A]

And then put it right on the top of your head and just do one hand pushback. Let the sides not be slicked. Let it be messy.

[B]

I like. Let's also ding the hard hat a little bit. Let's also toothpick Toothpick is great. I was going to suggest an ultra, by the way. Get a couple ultras in there. Like you got a log.

[A]

Okay, so this is a diff. So this is actually very real. It's going to seem like we're just doing a commercial. And for the audience who gets mad at us, I'm sorry, but we both have a bunch of ultras in our mouth, and it's just happening. And I'm wearing a Quinn shirt.

[B]

Yeah, so am I. I think.

[A]

So there are these pouches. Ultra. They're essentially.

[B]

I got a bunch of Omaha steaks in my pants. Go ahead. Go ahead. Hurry talk right now, please.

[A]

So here's what we want you to do. I want you to get these things and put three or four in your bottom lip like it's dip. Yeah, it's just vitamin B, vitamin 12, and something else. But you're creating that look on your face like you're dipping and you can swallow the saliva. But I don't want you to. I want you to spit.

[B]

Carry a cup. Spit cup.

[A]

Or you're on a construction site. Out. Just do it on the ground. Yes. I want you to have. Go slow on this, though. One step at a time. So it's not a Halloween costume. I want the hair back. I want the ultras in the mouth.

[B]

Shades.

[A]

Shades. Start beating up the helmet. Then jokingly with each time, you got to do safety. The first things is. Fellas, fellas, let me make something crystal clear on a personal level. I don't care what happens to your bodies because of my job. I need to tell you something so that they start knowing he doesn't give a. He just has to do it.

[B]

I like all that. And I'm gonna pitch something else. I think the j. The general attitude should be something changed. Pretend the boss chewed your ass out about something. You're a little bit more of a prick now. And I would say in front of the guy who's giving you the most guff when you're there at one point, start talking. Fake a phone call and make it an irritated phone call where we hear a new level out of you.

[A]

I love this, actually.

[B]

Where you're going to answer. You're like, hold on, give me a second. Yeah, I told you 12:45. Then I'm going to be a little fucking late. Todd. Okay.

[A]

Don't name him Todd, but.

[B]

Okay, not Todd, but.

[A]

Yeah, you know what? I would actually do a little bit more of. I would do that idea. I would. I'd go hold and answer the call. And I would go, what the are you calling me for? I told you, you're not getting it. You know what? Then you too, you piece of. Hang up. Take a breath like you're about to lose your temper.

[D]

Breathe.

[A]

Turn around and go, I guess.

[F]

All right.

[A]

Sorry about that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they go, who's this animal?

[B]

Because that way you could show them something they haven't seen before but something you're capable of.

[A]

I'm going to go back to makeup, okay?

[B]

Yeah, I wish you wouldn't.

[A]

You have the ability to put a fake black eye on what? Let's. Let me cut for a second, then

[B]

I'm going to come in the kitchen and take the mitts off.

[A]

Don't call them mitts.

[E]

I do have a wife that's pretty good with makeup. That could be an option.

[A]

You walk in there with this Ace character slowly forming. Then there's a black guy, and somebody asks, what happened? And your answer is this. Nothing. They go, what happened? You get your shiner and you go, nothing. Hey, what happened to the safety guy? You fall down? Something like that, but you're not having any fun with it. And also have her put a little red on your right knuckles. You should see the other.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

You should see the other guy.

[F]

I like.

[B]

Listen, that's not that I'm. I. I hear the.

[E]

You're not going to.

[A]

You getting me on my eye? Yeah, you should see the other guy.

[B]

And that. Don't do the other guy thing to me again. Okay, now here's bad.

[F]

Here's.

[A]

Did you see the other guy? I think I'm bad.

[B]

Just noticing the picture.

[E]

My only concern with that would be is, you know, it's been super hot out recently, and I'm, you know, running around.

[B]

My worry is, what is the. What is the loss in this situation? The loss is he sweats, he rubs his eye, and they're like, did you make a fake black eye?

[A]

Now the losses, they go, yeah, Makeup smearing.

[B]

Yeah. Nah, it's my boy. And then you gotta run away like

[A]

a teen death trap. Yeah, don't do that.

[E]

Guys like making his rub off bruises.

[A]

Okay, so, Ace, apart from the makeup, what do you think about everything we've said about this new character we've created for you who's a little bit tough, maybe does a call has the look. At this point, if you are interested, I'd like you to tell us what you're going to do. You've heard a lot of pitches.

[E]

I think between the new look, I'll probably do a mixture. So I'LL probably do the new look and then the, the angry phone call. Because to that exact point, I'm a pretty relaxed person, so I don't really get heated.

[A]

Cool.

[E]

So to your point, I think if they were to see me kind of out of them, tell someone off, you

[A]

know, aj, I gotta stop. Let's hear it.

[B]

Yeah, we have to, we have to take you on a run really quick.

[A]

Tell us what your look is so we know what we're looking at.

[B]

All right.

[E]

Well, I. Because I kind of work 5050 in the office or in the tent or whatever we have at the time and out in the field. So it's usually a hard hat, glasses. But in this case, now that we're going with Ace, it's going to be the slick glasses.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

So cool. Shaded out glasses, hard hat. I do wear a polo. Maybe I'll wear. I'll get a bangles polo.

[A]

Do you have to wear a polo

[E]

that or like a, like a highlighter. Green or orange colored shirts. They do S.B. something like that.

[A]

Where. What do the guys wear?

[E]

The highlighter colored shirts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You wear this and guess what? You don't wash it.

[B]

Yeah, I like that.

[A]

Don't be tucked in with your little shirt. It's like when a director shows up and they're wearing a tie. Just be like everybody else.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's right. First of all, Star Trek.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

First of all, no collared. You're wearing the same shirt. You're only allowed to watch it on weekends. On Monday. Look, if you sweat a lot on a Tuesday, you come in with a gross shirt on Wednesday. It's a construction. Hey, it's a constraint. It's not a sushi restaurant.

[B]

He, he. What Jake's saying is, get it. Look, look like you've been working.

[A]

Well, you think there's a sushi restaurant?

[B]

He can wash it. He's not married to the don't wash it the whole week thing.

[A]

I kind of am.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

It's tough to hear.

[A]

Really.

[B]

Yeah. And that smell.

[A]

I mean, he.

[B]

Hot summer.

[A]

Aj, you talked. Is this. Is the washing it a killer for you? Talk to me.

[E]

Plus, it's probably going to be a week by week kind of situation. Last week was in the high 90s.

[A]

If it's disgusting, let me ask you a question. Do the guys wash their shirts every day?

[D]

There's.

[E]

That's definitely a question that's raised sometimes when some guys walk past you. But

[A]

some guys got a little bit of heat to them. Yeah, some guys have yesterday's dust on them.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, definitely.

[A]

You want to know why? Because you're in the field, aj. Feel inspired because you're in the field, aj. And you know who else lives there? A guy I know named Ace.

[B]

Ace is under the bridge.

[A]

AJ works in the office with his little polo with his mommy.

[B]

Has anyone seen the stapler?

[A]

Cutting his chicken for him. Yeah, he's a little baby boy.

[B]

Yeah, you're talking about a great guy. Great guy.

[A]

Ace is a man of the people. Ace has the weird kind of green shirt that stinks. They smells gross. You know what? You don't want Ace to lay in bed with your lady. What stinks?

[B]

Oh, what do you mean? What do you say?

[A]

It's not working. I had an idea it wasn't working. Who gives a. Helping me.

[E]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

It's giving me a weird buzz. I've had like 50 of them today.

[B]

Yeah, you're hot. Remember that when you're taking our advice. Don't do too many of the ultras.

[A]

By the way, two is better than 40.

[B]

Yeah, well, you told me to do a bottom lip and a top lip.

[A]

I had eight in at a time.

[B]

Absurd answer. Read the package. So, aj, let's do a practice call. You don't really need anything from us. I mean, I don't know if you want to jump in, but I think let's talk about. What are you going to be yelling about into the phone. We don't need to make it a long thing. I think 25, 30 seconds of you being fucking pissed off at this call, then you hang up, irritated. Then you turn back to your guys and you go, look, I'm not asking, just please do it.

[A]

No, you do not bark at them.

[B]

He's not barking.

[A]

He's not. He doesn't care what happens to them. He has to say it for the job. Two different things. Angry on the call. I don't care about your safety. I'm getting paid and I can't lose this job.

[B]

I agree. All right, that's going to be the one to two. So what is this call going to be? Who's it going to be? Do you have that in mind?

[A]

But we're not. Let's just. Then let's hear it.

[B]

So then, let's have the conversation.

[A]

Gareth and I are two construction workers. We are about near stairs.

[B]

We don't respect you.

[A]

You need to tell us that. Just some safety thing that we need to do. Okay?

[E]

Okay. So I'm not taking the phone call?

[B]

You are taking the phone call. This is the beginning. The beginning is us. We don't like you, but whatever. You take the call, then you come out and you say the Jake stuff about, you don't have to like me, but you have to do what I say.

[A]

Okay? Ready? Three, two. Piglet. Hey. Jesus. Do it. The back, the back.

[B]

Leave it.

[E]

Hey, guys, what's going on?

[B]

Let's lean it. Let's lean it up against the wall. What's going on, aj? Here we go.

[E]

Not a whole lot. You guys have a good weekend.

[A]

What's going on?

[B]

It was unbelievable. Now I'm back at work.

[A]

I'll tell you, it was wonderful.

[E]

Give me one sec. So I got to take this call real fast.

[A]

Oh, you got.

[E]

Hey, Rick, what's up?

[B]

It's probably Claire's. They want to pierce his ears.

[E]

Rick, dude, I'm telling you, you gotta tie off. If you don't, it's your ass. I already warned you once. We're not doing this. All right, Sorry, guys. I had to take that real fast. You know, Rick on one is really just busting my balls right now. But I. I need. Seriously, I need you guys to wear a face shield. I don't want you guys to lose an eye. No, you guys, look. Would you rather hear your daughters or see your daughters?

[A]

Aj, we got to start over, brother.

[B]

I like where you're starting from.

[A]

I thought it was bad, but we

[B]

got to get you hotter.

[A]

Not only that, don't come up to guys who don't like you and go like, hey, how you doing?

[D]

How was your weekend?

[B]

How was your weekend?

[A]

You're not friends.

[B]

What you should say is, I'm fucking hungover.

[A]

No.

[F]

Yeah,

[A]

just. Aj, you got a job to do. That's it. You're not there for Cat. You're not there for Small. You don't respect these guys. You don't give a rat's ass about these guys. You walk up when you're about to go at your phone rings. You don't even have to apologize for it. Yeah, when you're on the call, you're at a four. Let the person you know who you're talking to. They don't. They're. They're out of line, and it's over. And you're facing away from them and you're trying to hide it from them because you don't want them to see this side of your personality. But I would do the zone of. Hey, fellas, Fellas. You didn't. Sorry.

[D]

What?

[A]

What?

[D]

You.

[A]

Listen.

[D]

That's enough.

[A]

You hear what I'm saying? Don't make me tell you again. And don't call me at work. Fellas, when you're near the stairs, this is it. I don't care if you fall. I promise you.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Aj, it's on my ass if you do. Please do the steps. If I need to remind you what they are, I will. But I would think, you've been in this game for enough years, you'll remember

[B]

now, two feet from the hole, you might not be able to get it to that level, but that's what you got to go for. Pissed. Okay, when was the last time you were pissed?

[E]

Yeah, again, that's a great question. I'm. Like I said, I'm a pretty relaxed guy. Too easily

[B]

get mad. Mad, Ace.

[A]

Mad from the start.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Three.

[F]

Pissed.

[A]

Two, Piggly. And I don't know, man. You got Joe Burrow right now, but we finally got the defense. Yeah, we gotta fight.

[E]

Hey, fellas.

[B]

Well, this will be.

[A]

I mean, I'm excited.

[B]

Here we go.

[E]

Hold on.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Hey. I told you to stop calling me. I already gave you an answer. Well, I'm not telling you again. I'm not repeating myself. So do it. Do it the right way. Don't do it at all. All right, guys, listen.

[A]

One more time. Hold on. You know what I want to hear. Anybody have kids to turn it off? I want to hear some vulgarity.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do it again. Let it rip. Just see what comes out of your mouth. And I want you to call them that. Yeah, from the top. Three, two, Pig. And I mean, now that Burrows got Dexter. You know, Lauren, he's a big guy.

[B]

I don't even believe anymore. I don't give a.

[E]

One sec, one sec. Oh, what the do you want? I already gave you an answer. I'm not repeating myself again. So if you call me again, you better have a result for me. Anyways, guys, I told you, you need to be wearing your mask. You can't be doing that right now.

[A]

Ace, one more. I want it to go. Don't put me in a position where I'm gonna have to react.

[B]

And can I. I would like a little more.

[D]

A little bit more.

[B]

A little longer.

[A]

Don't make me. Don't make me. You up?

[E]

Yeah, a little.

[B]

This is really good. You're right there.

[A]

But you're. What you're doing. I'm telling you, if this is done right, their question to you is going to be.

[E]

You.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're going to go. Nothing to worry about. Sorry. And then go. Sorry you had to hear that. And go. Do me a favor.

[B]

Put the face mask.

[A]

Put the face mask on. Okay, that's it. But they go, oh, he might be involved in some money thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he gonna somebody up. You don't want to. With aj. AJ acts nice. It's like the geeky guy that all of a sudden you see punching a punching bag, and you go, that's a nice combo.

[B]

Yeah, you're right there. Do it again. A little more. You're close.

[A]

Three, two, pig. Leon.

[E]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Here come the fun police.

[A]

That's not what. Action worker. Stop.

[E]

I got.

[A]

That was as if we were a Disney show. A kids Disney show. Oh, boy, Here comes the fun police.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Should we throw a pie in their face? It's terrible. Three, two, pig land.

[E]

Hey. What?

[A]

Hold on.

[E]

Aj.

[A]

What?

[B]

I have a rash in my pants.

[A]

Why are you telling me this?

[B]

Because we sweat together. I wanted to see if you got one.

[A]

You have an infection in your underpants.

[B]

Not an infection, but I'm trying to get a topical.

[A]

Clean it. I'm not a doctor. I'm a construction worker.

[B]

AJ's here.

[A]

He's not the medic. He's the safety coordinator.

[B]

I could work through it, but there's a rash in my ass. In my ass.

[A]

That's not my business.

[B]

I try to share with you, Lance.

[A]

What do you want? AJ1.

[E]

I got one second.

[A]

Oh, now you're taking a call to

[E]

get involved with this? I'm not gonna repeat myself again. The last thing you want me to do is be involved. If you want results, call me back.

[B]

Anyway.

[A]

Yeah. You good?

[E]

You really got it? Don't worry about it. Look, you gotta put the face shield on. All right?

[D]

All right.

[B]

Fun police is here.

[E]

Can't have you guys losing an eye.

[A]

All right, you got it. And then talk to Barry about his asshole. I guess there's a rationale.

[B]

I'm fine. I'm fine.

[A]

No, he's the guy.

[B]

I can't walk up all the flights of stairs for a couple days.

[A]

Aj.

[B]

Real good.

[A]

You did awesome.

[B]

Great.

[A]

I promise you, if you do that sincerely, it's gonna change.

[B]

I agree.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

When are you gonna do it?

[E]

Well, it's only Wednesday, so. Sounds like this week. It's gonna be the week.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Follow up with us. And if you go soft or get nervous, you're potentially putting yourself in a bad situation. This is something. You ever seen that video of horses on a huge ladder that dive into tiny pools? You know what I'm talking about. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

[E]

Yeah, I do.

[B]

What, an algorithm reveal?

[A]

What are you talking back in the Day horses would be on like a 200 foot little pier, little circus trips, and they would jump off and land in a very small.

[B]

What year are we talking?

[A]

20s, 30s?

[B]

Oh, black. Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

All right.

[A]

Jumping these tiny little. Oh, yeah, but deep. Yeah, you can't miss.

[B]

Yeah, you can't.

[A]

So, aj, you can't miss, kid.

[B]

He's right.

[E]

Yeah, kind of a do or die here.

[B]

Let me. Let me ask Jake a question quickly about our follow up. He's gonna have his phone.

[A]

Don't film it.

[B]

No, not film. Do we want the voice memo rolling if you do?

[A]

Oh, yes, because he's got his phone yelling into it.

[B]

We get the full side of the call if we want.

[A]

Aj, will you please.

[B]

You just start recording. You walk in, you put your phone in your pocket, you fake the call

[A]

just like before and we hear the whole thing.

[B]

When you're done, just stop it.

[A]

Here's what we're going to do to end this call, okay? Do a version of the call right now. And when you hang up on the guy you're talking to, hang up on us.

[B]

Hang up. That's how you're going to exit.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

So make this the best one.

[A]

I want real heat and then aj, for real, hang up. So you're not going to hear us say goodbye? Yeah, you just end it. Ready? Whenever you are ready.

[E]

Hey, fellas. One second. Called. Look, I told you you're gonna call back. I'm. You don't want me to get results, call me back. You want results?

[B]

It's a shame that that was his worst one. And we're brought to you by Mint Mobile.

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Honestly, it's a great sponsor because it works. It's worked great for us. We've used it for whatever that party was. Wigs and ties or something like that. I want to say wigs and salmon. I know it's not that, but that would be a heck of a party. You got to bring salmon and Wear a wig that feels like an Alaska type party, by the way, themed party idea, wigs and salmon.

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[A]

Hello?

[D]

Hello, sir?

[B]

Hello, sir? How are you, sir?

[D]

I'm good, good.

[B]

Sir.

[E]

Sir?

[B]

Where are you calling from, sir?

[D]

I am in the state of Georgia, the Atlanta area.

[B]

Georgia, sir. And what's your name, sir?

[D]

It's Josh.

[B]

Josh, Josh, how old are you?

[D]

I am 48.

[B]

48. What's your height?

[D]

I'm 6 foot 2.

[E]

6?

[A]

2.

[B]

Calves wise, you're probably rocking some pretty big fellas. You're dragging all that weight around all the time, right?

[D]

Yeah, they're pretty big.

[B]

Okay, it's irrelevant. Listen, you got Josh, you got me Gareth, your rock. And then we also have our guest helper, an incredible actor, a stallion. In the world of Dungeons and Dragons, we have the great Christian Lee Navarro joining us.

[F]

Hello. Hello.

[D]

That's awesome.

[B]

We're gonna solve. How are you, Christian? You can answer him.

[F]

I'm doing. I'm doing really well. Josh, I think you're lying about your calves.

[A]

No, I promise,

[B]

Kristen, you got good calves. How much weight have you dropped in the last year you like?

[F]

I dropped about 15 to 20 pounds. I'm not sure exactly, but now I'm in bulking season, which just means I eat.

[E]

What?

[B]

Why are you in bulking season? You're building up for something.

[F]

The incoming apocalypse.

[B]

Gareth, can I be a part of your team for this?

[F]

Sure.

[B]

I feel like it's fun. I feel like you're gonna have a dragon squad. Yeah, I'll learn. And you're in Indiana right now doing the John June Masters Dungeons and Dragons.

[F]

Yeah, it's the one of the biggest gaming conventions. Gen Con in Indiana. Indianapolis. And we've been here for a couple days. We've taken Indiana.

[B]

Good.

[F]

And it's a lot of fun.

[B]

So you stay where you are. Josh, don't leave Georgia. Josh. 48, Georgia. Six two Cavs in question. What can we do for you today?

[D]

So it's kind of an interesting problem and so bear with me, but I'll set it up real quick. So I would say that on a professional level, I've spent most of My life running towards danger. Right out of college, I joined the Marine Corps and then I spent a bunch of years in public service. First as like a fireman and advanced emt, and then I switched over in law enforcement where I was a SWAT operator.

[B]

I gotta be honest, you really backed up that initial claim real quick.

[A]

Really?

[F]

Truly.

[B]

Because I was like, what is he talking about here? He's like, if the restaurant's shutting, I will race in with 10 minutes left to get to the buffet. No, you're the real deal. Okay, so you, you like danger? You're six two.

[D]

Yeah, it seems that way.

[B]

Are you talking to me or him? Christian?

[F]

Well, always. Thank you, Gareth. But thank you for your service, Josh.

[B]

Yeah, and same to you, Josh. And same.

[D]

Oh, not needed.

[B]

All right, keep going, my man.

[D]

Okay, so. So I would say on, on multiple occasions I've, you know, had the opportunity, if you will, to run into like burning buildings or treat traumatic injuries in an ambulance or, you know, testify murder cases or breach doors. And I've been shot at. Okay. So I feel like I'm pretty fearless and I back down from danger, conflict. That's not my nature.

[E]

Right.

[D]

On a personal level, I'm happily married, I have amazing kids ranging from 6 months old to 19 year old. So I'm clearly a glutton for punishment. But I would say life is great. But here's where my problem is, and it comes from my wife. I am absolutely terrified of her. I'm terrified of her. We actually met at the police academy and she's actually still in law enforcement as a special agent. I left law enforcement, went into the tech industry. But like you said, I'm, you know, 6 2, 225 and I'm originally from Alabama. My wife is 5 foot, about 110 pounds. She is Puerto Rican and she's from New York. Me too, if I may.

[B]

Yeah, it's tough.

[D]

Okay, so the dynamic is when I, when I get her mad, she gets very loud, very angry. She can be very mean and direct. And she can also be pretty passive aggressive and a little petty. So when there's conflict or I even sense it, it's like that third sense, I immediately try to surrender or avoid it. So all right, just avoid it at all costs.

[B]

Did you call it?

[D]

Sometimes I'm not. Yeah.

[B]

How many senses you rocking, my guy?

[D]

Well, probably five or six.

[B]

So is, Wait, wait, wait, wait, five or six? Look, do you see dead people? Then you got six. If not, you're rocking a regular five. If her. If you feel like her tension is Three. I got to ask you. You can hear, obviously. Can you see?

[D]

Yes, I can. I think that's the nerves bringing up.

[B]

You got to. You got a fiver, but keep going. So you're saying you got a sixth sense for when she's starting to bubble.

[D]

Yeah, I know. So, like, a good example of just how ridiculous and all over the specter can be is it centers around broccoli, of all things. I hate the stuff. I would say once every couple of weeks, she'll cook it and it'll be in our dinner. Right. Like a month ago. I don't know if I was having a stroke or just feeling crazy. I sat there looking at my plate, and, you know, the kids are at the table and we're eating, and I just said, you know, I hate broccoli, and it stinks, and when you bake it, it makes the house stink. And I'm not exaggerating. It was like a horror movie. She just lowered her fork and she stared at me and then immediately got loud and proceeded to tell me basically how I was setting a bad example for the kids by not eating healthy food that I don't like. And she proceeded to tell me how I had gotten fat and it stung a little.

[F]

I can confirm. So that your wife is, in fact, Puerto Rican.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

The results back. She's positive.

[F]

Yes.

[D]

So I, of course, immediately said, you know what? It's really not that bad. And I smiled, and I think the petty side came out. And now I promise, she cooks it three more times a week.

[B]

Okay. That's a lot of sense.

[D]

So my question.

[B]

Yeah, let's go.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

So my question is this. How do I stand up to my wife and not back down from conflict? How do I charge head first into disagreements with her? Because honestly, like, I'm just. I just avoid her. I'm scared of her.

[B]

Christian, you're. Let's go. I mean, well, I just.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. Puerto Rican. The de facto boricua here. First of all, you are wrong always. That's what you need to learn with a Puerto Rican woman. With most women,

[C]

even.

[B]

Even in the. Outside of the Puerto Rican zone, I'm like, look, this is just. You're supposed to be afraid of them.

[F]

Right? That's a healthy. Eventually, I guess this is my. What I'll offer. You'll never be right, but you can allow her to be more right than the first time. So you just have to convince her that she came up with the idea, whatever it is.

[B]

Now. Yeah, go ahead. Keep going. Well, what does that look like you're so. So if you're ha. Like let's say it's the broccoli. How would you, Christian, if you could go back, you're watching the game film on the broccoli event, which by the way, I mean, Josh, look, we're on your team. We're going to get it done for you. We're going to give you some angles here. But you chose a really weird time to. I mean, that's. That is the honor, you know, the time where.

[D]

That's just the time where I created the conflict. And that was a representation of how I immediate backed up. There's a current ongoing thing now that I haven't. I haven't created the conflict and I haven't.

[B]

What's that? What's that?

[D]

So in this, these aren't all food things that we. And honestly, in the big scheme of things, finances, like kids, we're on the same page. We're great, but just these little things.

[E]

Sure.

[D]

So she often likes to make these like KP chia seed smoothie things that are disgusting. And instead of saying anything, I just sneak off to the bathroom like a pervy teenager and pour it down the sink or the toilet.

[F]

That's the right move.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

I mean, listen, here's what I can get into the mind of a Puerto Rican woman. For you being raised by many, it's all love. They've poured their time and their energy into that fucking broccoli. And the kids are there eating the broccoli. And this is the moment after her eight hour day, after an hour in the kitchen cooking this fucking broccoli for you that it came out. So it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with. Can he feel the love that I poured into this? And I think with the smoothie and all that. Does it hurt you at the end to eat the broccoli? No, it's good for you.

[B]

It is good.

[F]

But maybe, yeah, sweet potatoes next time, right? Hey, your broccoli is amazing. I would love to try this other dish. Why don't you try this, baby?

[D]

I mean, you know, there's other situations,

[B]

you know, I had such as, you know, the.

[D]

The ultimate proof of my home life, cowardice is sitting in my garage right now. It's a zero turn lawnmower that costs more than my truck because we had four acres in the back that we had agreed early on we bought the house to keep in a wooded area. She mentioned we should clear cut it and put grass. I mentioned that was a bad idea. And I Think she picked up that I had no intention of listening to her. And I came home from work one day and there was a crew clear cutting the whole field and bush hogging it. And now I spent five hours every Saturday cutting grass because she wants grass back there. So anytime I really push back, it's just. It's a dangerous situation. It's. I feel like I got to be more tactical than I've ever been in my job.

[B]

So we need some sort of. There's no panacea, but I mean, we need. I wonder if. Look, I wonder if you maybe want to write yourself a little pocket speech that's just goes down the list of credentials and things that you have done and you can almost try to get her to find it charming. If you are like, I'm a veteran. I have worked in law enforcement. I've run into burning buildings multiple times. I've seen the look of death in the eyes of a person only to bring them back from the light. I have medals, I have ribbons. I have pictures with dignitaries. The mayor has thanked me. There should be a day named after me. And I'll be damned if broccoli is going to take me down. And like, something like that where you can maybe just start to get soapboxy a little bit. Maybe it's charming. Maybe it's a way to just kind of. Just a little code of something that just tells her that. And it's just like a. God damn it. I got a lot of respect for you, but I will not be steamrolled every time. Yes, Saturday, I'll be out in the yard mowing the lawn for five hours, but I am not going to drink a chickpea and chia smoothie. I'm sorry, babe. No, I deny these orders.

[D]

I think, I think. I think you just grab me with that. I think. I think my best bet is to do a speech. Kind of a. Not. Not. I'm not a comedian, but kind of in a gamey way.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

But like, you know, they say there's always some. Some truth behind what people say.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Maybe I'll just say it. Oh, we're joking around. But I'll like kind of draw that line. And then if she really gets mad, I'll be like, I'm playing around it. But then I just kind of maybe start moving that line.

[B]

I would. I would write it and print it and I would laminate it and I would have it ready to go so that you know where it is. And then what I would also do is on your phone, find Some sort of, like, inspirational music. Music that swells Christian. You know, I'm talking about these dramatic speech moments.

[F]

You gotta have the kids get into it, too.

[B]

Yeah, that's the way they. Oh, maybe they can hum a little, like, As you're like, I've seen it all. Yeah, yeah. They're all standing, saluting. Yeah. But I will not eat broccoli if I don't think it's a good taste. And all the kids have to. Obviously, I'm going into the other room for five minutes.

[D]

Honestly, I, like, I'm honestly, like, already thinking about the production value of it. It makes sense.

[E]

Lame.

[D]

But I'm thinking recording this on my phone, and I'm literally going to have the kid, one my oldest, maybe come in and say, prepare yourself for a speech. And then I'm just going to come in all dignified, and I might even lead in with some lame stuff like, you know, 70, 75 Marines have been defending this country, and I was able to take a part of that. And then I moved on to serve my country and my community and my neighbors. And I sacrificed a lot.

[B]

I would pepper in some specifics, you know, I'd be like, I mean, again, I don't know you, but, you know, there was that squirrel that was caught in the tree that was making all the noise and they wanted to euthanize it. And I said, no, right? I said, I will get up there, we will remove the squirrel, and we will put it in new place because,

[D]

like, name some real specific scenarios.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, listen, give her the resume, but also give her a couple of these things where it's like, you know,

[D]

but I mean, I'll even, you know, you know, the night that I came was coming home and the guy on a motorcycle had run into the. To the flatbed truck and everything was on fire and he was about to get burned up. I ran in there and drug him away from that fire.

[B]

Yes, this is good.

[D]

I've got some. Some dingers I can work in there. Some she probably doesn't even know about. Maybe just to kind of wow or knock her off.

[B]

Okay, this is what I'm going to suggest. We. We are gonna. We're doing a session right now. Why don't you do this and Jesse, tell me if this is okay. Josh, why don't you write this up again? This is not our final draft, but why don't you take 20 minutes right now, write this up, and we are going to have you come back on. And after our next call, let's hear what you got. Put a little work into it again, you don't have to memorize it, but just. That's a perfect one. In my opinion. That, like, specific is really. That's pretty good. What do you think of that, Christian?

[F]

Okay, I think I. I heard you use the words production value, which means your brain and my brain, they might work a little similarly. I would frame this and film this like a breaking news address. And it's. You're a Marine, the President of the United States addressing Congress about why they're going to war. Right. Breaking news from. From your address. And it's your son or daughter that introduce you and you take the podium. Josh, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, exactly.

[D]

What if I record this? Like I'm sitting in a news desk or something?

[F]

That's what that's like.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

That's like. Like I'm the president sitting there giving a speech, and then I have the kids come in and say, we've got an announcement. And then I just throw that up on the tv and then I record.

[F]

And there'll be no questions, just the. Whoever the. We have a 10 minutes, no questions.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Introduce Josh.

[B]

And maybe you end it by saying, and may God bless you and continue to bless all the lovely Puerto Ricans, especially my wife. So what do you think? Why don't you just get the script? Can you do that? Write that real quick, come back in like 20 minutes, and let's hear. Let's hear the just loose version, and we'll give you some pitches in that direction, and then you can go off, write it, and then keep us posted once you. Absolutely beats you with an umbrella. When she hears this. Hello.

[D]

Hello, sir.

[B]

Josh.

[D]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Josh, how we doing, buddy? Last. When we last left you, you were gonna write your Independence Day resume, try to somehow fatten the hatch of your Puerto Rican wife.

[F]

Once more onto the breach difference.

[B]

Once more under the breach. So what'd you come up with, Josh? Are you ready to present?

[D]

I will say I tapped into something

[E]

I didn't realize was there.

[B]

Right.

[D]

And it just flowed out of me. So I literally, as I'm writing this, I'm envisioning myself in front of the country, and I'm ready.

[B]

Josh, listen, buddy, we're proud of you. We celebrate you. Without further ado, do you want me to do the kid intro that you're looking for? No. So let's get into it.

[D]

No, what I think I'm going to do is I'm literally going to mock up a video of, like, a news break.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And then I'm gonna have a video of me sitting at a desk.

[B]

What we're gonna hear now is what you're gonna record, correct? Okay. Go ahead, Josh, Whenever you're ready.

[D]

Are you ready?

[B]

Yes.

[F]

Yes.

[D]

All right. My fellow Americans. In 1775, the United States Marine Corps was founded. And in 1998, I earned that title. And I helped support that mission of protecting this country. From Mississippi to Georgia, I served this country as a firefighter. From the young child who got lost in the woods during those freezing temperatures to the bedridden man trapped in his house that was on fire, that kitten stuck under the hood of the car. I made a difference. From Alabama to Georgia. I put that shield over my heart. I struck a gun to my chest and I responded to every call for help. From that kidnapped child that I found riding in the car in the interstate. To the bank robber who barricaded himself inside the apartment, to the high speed chase with the guy who had his kids in the backseat with no seat belts. I tirelessly tried to enforce the laws and protect my community. Professionally. My courage is undisputed. Yet for too long, a silent crisis has plagued the executive branch of this home. Under the guise of domestic harmony, this administration has engaged in a policy of absolute unconditional surrender. I have sat on sofas I do not like. I have stared at walls, painted colors I despise, and I have eaten food that I loathe. But tonight, the line must be be drawn in the sand. Effective immediately, I'm declaring a state of emergency in this kitchen. We can no longer sustain the sanctions currently imposed upon my plate. I'm officially signing an executive order banning the following items from my personal consumption. Broccoli. This vegetable has absolutely no place in the diet of a grown marine chia seed smoothies. They look and taste like swamp water. No. Brownies made with chickpeas and sour cream. It is a crime against baking, nature and God. Furthermore, this ban extends to any and all food regardless of their supposed health benefits that I simply do not like. I do not take this action lightly. And I know the risk. I am a 6 foot 2 man standing before a 5 foot tall Puerto Rican. But tonight, I choose freedom. Tonight, I find my voice. Thank you. God bless America, God bless this house, God bless my wife, and God bless my survival.

[B]

Hey. Yeah. You take a hit? I. I don't ring the bell early normally, but that's. That's a ring a ding, that is. I mean, Christian, that is.

[F]

You did tap into something.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

I didn't know you had that in you.

[B]

That is some next level.

[D]

Yeah. So it's. It's there. I mean, it's obviously there, but I just don't let it come out here. And I think it's time to take a stand.

[B]

I think you're doing it in a funny way. But also, that's quite a resume. I mean, you hear those credits back to back, and you just know that this guy's drinking chia swamp. Don't feel right.

[F]

No, I want you. You sacrificed for us.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

She could sacrifice the chia seeds for you.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I cannot wait for you to film this and play it for her now.

[D]

That's my plan. I'm going to film it, and then I'm going to try to play it on our tv, and I'll have it set up where hopefully we'll get her from the backside watching it.

[B]

And then you see. Chris, please tag me.

[F]

Please tag me.

[B]

Yes, we will. We will share. Appropriate. But, Christian, I. I want Josh to know it's not lost on me that he didn't even need to hear the direct order from the podcast host that we need her reaction filmed. He just got right into it. I mean, this is.

[F]

He's a pro.

[B]

This is a pro. The only thing. Yeah, I got one, too. Go ahead.

[F]

You want to go?

[B]

Yeah, no, you go. You're the guest.

[F]

I think you should give it your best go at also reciting this in Spanish directly after.

[B]

Oh, my God. Eureka. Josh, is it possible

[D]

I will try anything Whether or not she will sit there.

[E]

What? What?

[D]

Would speak all over again in Spanish.

[B]

What we could do is say, and now in espanol, and you just start it, fumble it, and go, sorry, I can't do this. Just listen to the English one.

[A]

That's good.

[D]

Well. Well, I don't know if I can pull up the whole speech in Spanish, but what if I do a paragraph or two and I know I'm going to struggle naturally anyways, and then what if it's so bad?

[B]

Then I can just say, that's great.

[D]

You know what?

[B]

Find the timing. You don't need to overdo it. You've. Listen, you've. You've done a really, really good job very quickly. So what are you gonna wear?

[D]

I'm actually gonna put on a new suit that I bought recently for what I went to. So I'm gonna dress it up with the red tie and everything.

[F]

Hey, do you have your. Your marine suits?

[E]

Yeah, but I don't.

[D]

I don't want to. I mean, I've been out for, like, 20 years. I don't want to throw. They probably wouldn't even fit anyways because, as you know, I'm fat.

[B]

He don't, he don't want to sit there in a suit that he's too fat for, telling his wife he won't eat vegetables and drink smoothies. You know, she's going to be able to be like, you can't even fit in your thing. Look, Josh, I, I'm, I'm signing off on this. Christian, are you turning a key?

[F]

I think you did an incredible job, Josh. Excited to see what happens.

[B]

Josh, I just.

[D]

Thank you so much. So I will keep you updated.

[E]

You have my word.

[D]

I will do this and follow through and send it to you. And hopefully this doesn't have to be used as evidence against my wife in court down the road.

[B]

Hopefully not. And Josh, we do expect the footage you're talking about. And I know I have no authority to say this, but that's an order.

[D]

Yes, sir. You'll get it.

[B]

Thank you for calling.

[F]

Hey, thank you for your service, man. You really are a stand up guy. Thank you.

[B]

Thank you, Josh.

[D]

I appreciate it. Nice to meet you, Christian. Y' all have a good day.

[B]

All right, buddy. Go get him.

[C]

Bye.

[B]

Remember Doc. Bye.

[D]

Yes, sir. Bye.

[C]

Hi. Super long time listener. I've been listening since like episode four. I've always found you guys advice entertaining at the least, have found some of it mildly helpful. But a recent episode provided advice that has. I was, I didn't realize I was even needing it that much. It was the episode where the woman moved to D.C. and she didn't know how to be like a real rude city person. I have never identified with a color as much as her. I also feel like I don't know how to just, I don't know, not assume the best intentions from everybody. I'm from the Midwest and they call us like Midwest nice or Iowa nice. And I do that. And then I, I feel the same way as her. Like I almost feel offended when people are mean to me for no reason because I'm like, well, I didn't fucking deserve that. And. But instead of getting like rude or, you know, coming back at them, I just, I get sad and I get offended and I'm Again, I have never identified with a caller as much as her. I felt like I met my soul sister or something. But I was just, I've been trying to remember that I can just say we have free will and I can just say like, eat a dick because I thought that advice was really good and to like start reframing how you think of these things. And I was just pulling out of my alley and somebody was trying to pull in, but out of nowhere, like, they were whipping into the alley, they threw their hands up at me and started yelling at me from inside their car and were, you know, glaring at me. And I just looked at them and I said, shut up, asshole, and eat a dick. And it felt so, so good to not be like, oh, my God, they hate me. Or, oh, maybe I was the one in the wrong. No, they were the one in the wrong. They were the assholes. And I didn't need to feel bad about that. And so I had to send you guys voice memo. I apologize for how long it is. But I love, I love this podcast. It brings me such joy, such life. But now I've actually gotten like super helpful advice from you guys and I really, I really appreciate it. I'm gonna keep telling people in my head or otherwise to eat a dick. So thank you for that.

[A]

Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

We are also having. Our back catalog is going to be on hulu. We're about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, are we saying any lies?

[B]

No. And you can get season one, season two, we're gonna have a nice melange on Hulu. But the day early, I mean, there's a lot of advantages.

[A]

Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have hulu. You got YouTube because we're there too.

[B]

Yeah, Hulu a day early. YouTube for stragglers.

[A]

And also you go, I don't have that. We got Patreon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they go, I don't have that. What do you want?

[B]

Yeah, okay, Jake, we're, we're trying to be inclusive. And you're yelling at him, but I think you're right.

[A]

It's just, look, watch this show anywhere.

[B]

There's a lot of options.

[A]

Okay. Lose early.

[B]

Hulu's early.

[A]

Audio day of YouTube, day of Patreon. No ads.

[B]

Here's the way to remember it. Hulu knew, so Nulu.

[A]

It's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff.

[B]

Okay, then that we call. Yeah. All right. It's falling apart.

[A]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[E]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions Executive producers Rob Hollis,

[D]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[E]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and

[D]

master by Chris Faulkner.

[B]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only. And all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[D]

That was a Headgum Podcast.

[F]

What's up, everybody?

[B]

I'm Kyle Mooney and what's up, everybody?

[A]

I'm back Bennett and man.

[B]

Ooh, I got. We got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes. It's a brand new podcast on Headgum.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

And it's called what's Our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast should be about.

[E]

Yeah, we don't.

[B]

So we actually have guests come on

[A]

and they tell us what they think

[B]

our podcast should be about and then we try it.

[E]

Yep.

[B]

Guests like Mark Marin, Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Caper Land, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter and Tim Boss. Landon axler, Jory Joanie McGregor, and Dender.

[A]

And Dender.

[E]

New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's Our Podcast?

[B]

On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm going to go do it right now.