Monkey's A Pigeon & The Honorable Mayor of Brown Town (with Cat Reitman)

Summary

We're Here to Help

Episode: "Monkey's A Pigeon & The Honorable Mayor of Brown Town" (with Cat Reitman)

Date: July 17, 2026
Hosts: Gareth Reynolds & Cat Reitman (guest hosting for Jake Johnson)
Podcast Theme: Each week, hosts offer dubious and hilarious advice to callers with problems ranging from the mundane to the absurd, offering both earnest and ridiculous solutions.

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Episode Overview

This special episode features Gareth Reynolds and Cat Reitman hosting together, experimenting with their chemistry in a possible spinoff format. Listeners call in with their quirky life dilemmas, and the hosts alternate between genuine advice and comedic riffing. The episode tackles two central calls: one involving an animal-filled household (notably, Monkey the pigeon) and another chronicling a dog walker's unfortunate bathroom habits.

The episode is rich with improvisational humor, gentle roasting between cohosts, and a warm-hearted (if sometimes irreverent) take on tackling life's weirdest problems.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Meet Cat & Gareth: Why This Combo?

[00:35 – 07:10]

• Gareth explains the episode is a “test drive” of him and Cat co-hosting as a duo.
• Cat reminisces about bonding with Gareth during the reality show The Real Wedding Crashers.
• They joke about improvisational problem-solving, their friendship chemistry, and how their approach is more "fun and weird" than traditional self-help.
• Early banter is focused on the joys of riffing, English vs. American habits, and poking fun at each other as 'Cat and Rat' (a working title), and discusses possible show names.

Notable Quote:

"Do I regret it now that we've done two calls that are largely all about poop and sex? Yes." — Cat Reitman [03:38]

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2. Call #1 – "Monkey's a Pigeon" (Ronnie & the House of Animals)

[13:18 – 44:21]

The Situation

• Ronnie, a caller in his late 20s from the Southwest, details his journey of animal adoption after marrying a woman who loves animals.
• Their household has hosted rats (the first named Pirate, who bit Ronnie’s wife in the face), dogs, frogs, a turtle, and now—a flock of pigeons.
• Most pressing issue: The pigeon named Monkey is extremely bonded with Ronnie’s wife. Monkey now spends time in their house (despite previous agreements not to allow birds indoors), wears a diaper, and has formed a "mate-like" attachment to Ronnie's wife, even attempting to "mate" with her through bird behavior.
• Ronnie feels increasingly sidelined in his marriage, jokingly comparing his jealousy to that experienced by new fathers of human babies.

The Dilemma

• Ronnie admits: “How do I get in between my wife and this pigeon?” [30:24]

The Advice

• Cat and Gareth riff on options ranging from confrontation to outlandish pranks (fake a pigeon bite; wear a pigeon costume during intimacy; eat the pigeon in a show of alpha dominance).
• Ultimately, they advise Ronnie to have a candid conversation with his wife: set clear boundaries (pigeon can enter the house only when Ronnie is out, with “visitation hours”) and communicate his discomfort.
• They rehearse a possible conversation for Ronnie with roleplay and humor.

Notable Quotes

• Ronnie:
  "She said, 'Monkey, I’m not gonna put my finger in your cloaca,' which is the pigeon's... Yeah." [25:07]
• Cat:
  "I think your piss situation is the real issue, and I think buckets around the room is the solve." [16:31]
• Gareth:
  "You tell her you got a coup. You’re not allowing a coup." [41:08]
• Cat:
  "This is your home... that pigeon’s out when you’re in." [40:52]

Segment Timestamps

• Ronnie joins, bathroom banter: [13:18]
• How the animal collection began: [17:06]
• The Pirate the rat story: [18:36]
• Monkey the Pigeon & domestic tension: [22:13]
• Monkey’s inappropriate attachment: [24:07]
• Looking at pet photos and analyzing the pigeon "relationship": [26:13]
• Jealousy & boundaries conversation: [30:09]
• Rehearsed boundary-setting dialogue: [37:51]
• Decision to implement "pigeon visitation hours": [39:57]

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3. Call #2 – "The Honorable Mayor of Brown Town" (Addison & the Dog Walker Dilemma)

[44:31 – 67:53]

The Situation

• Addison (27, New Jersey) has a new dog walker ("Emily") for her boxer, Honey Bun.
• Emily, during her initial interview, casually reveals she once clogged a client’s toilet. Addison jokes about which bathroom to use.
• Weeks later, Addison finds her upstairs toilet clogged with waste and paper—immediately after a week Emily missed due to "tummy troubles."
• This happens a second time, followed by a third instance where the bathroom was left “full of streaks.”
• Emily repeatedly uses the off-limits (upstairs) bathroom despite instructions.

The Dilemma

• Addison is non-confrontational but grossed out; asks the hosts: Should she raise the issue directly? How?

The Advice

• Cat and Gareth brainstorm solutions from passive-aggressive (“Broken” sign on the bathroom) to direct confrontation (a text spelling out exactly what’s been left behind).
• Suggest putting a plunger in the upstairs bathroom, then ultimately advocate for a polite text explicitly requesting Emily to use only the downstairs bathroom.
• If the behavior continues, recommend a firmer message or just switching dog walkers.

Notable Quotes

• Gareth:
  "To walk away from a shit-clogged toilet that you made? That is crazy. That is psychopathic." [49:13]
• Cat:
  "Every time you sit—you don’t need to be sharing a seat with her. It’s unhygienic and nasty." [54:35]
• Gareth:
  "We are talking about someone who needs... She’s a three-flusher walking around like one flush’ll do." [58:08]
• Episode Title Reference:
  "She's not running for reelection. She's unopposed. She's going to win in a landslide. Or should I say mudslide?" — Gareth [59:15]
• On a text to Emily:
  "I'm sorry to have to text you this, but please do not use the upstairs bathroom anymore. Please use the downstairs bathroom in emergencies only." — Cat [64:05]

Segment Timestamps

• Addison introduces her problem: [44:31]
• Dog walker’s initial toilet confession: [46:49]
• Detailed account of repeat incidents: [47:57, 48:46, 49:52]
• Possible approaches: Passive-aggressive (signs/locks): [54:36]
• Writing the text: [56:06 – 65:10]
• Discussion of “poop knife” and bathroom folklore: [66:11]
• Final recommendations & Addison’s plan: [65:10 – 67:53]

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4. Notable Episode Moments

• Choice banter about animal hijinks, English vs. American etiquette, “pigeon visitation hours.”
• Discussion of boundary-setting in relationships using outlandish metaphors.
• "The Honorable Mayor of Brown Town"/"monkey's a pigeon" as memorable episode titles.
• Unforgettable deep-dive on dog walker bathroom etiquette and the concept of a “poop knife.”
• The chemistry between Cat and Gareth is a highlight: irreverent but genuinely supportive.

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5. Timestamps for Memorable Segments

• [03:38] — Cat on regret after multiple poop and sex-related calls
• [13:18 – 44:21] — Call #1: Animal House & Pigeon Jealousy
• [24:54] — Cloaca and pigeon-mating story
• [37:51] — Rehearsed conversation with wife about pigeon
• [44:31 – 67:53] — Call #2: Dog Walker Bathroom Catastrophes
• [49:13] — Gareth’s reaction to leaving a clogged toilet
• [54:36] — Passive-aggressive solutions for the dog-walker’s problem
• [66:11] — Poop knife lore

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Episode Tone & Style

The conversation is loose, playful, and unfiltered. Gareth and Cat seize opportunities to digress into bits, riff with callers, and gently roast everyone involved—including themselves. The tone bounces between absurdist improvisation and sincere advice, always prioritizing humor and camaraderie.

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Key Takeaways

• Even the wildest household or most awkward situation can be navigated with open, honest (but gentle) communication—plus a splash of humor.
• Sometimes, setting firm boundaries is the only way to maintain sanity, especially when pigeons (or dog walkers) overstep.
• If the bizarre becomes the new normal in your house, you’re not alone—and there’s always room for laughter about it.

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For more, listen to full episodes on Hulu, YouTube, or Patreon. Send your questions to [e-mail]

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

And we are back, but it's a little different what we're doing.

[A]

It's me, Jake.

[B]

No, don't do it, Jake. First of all, it's a bad Jake. What do you mean?

[A]

Oh, God. New girl. Am I right?

[B]

That's not Jake. No.

[A]

Oh, you're right. Oh, God.

[B]

Yeah, kind of Jake.

[A]

So you're stupid now.

[B]

It's like I'm doing the show. Cat Reitman, you and I are hosting the show today. But not just like we're. I called you because Jake and I had talked and we were like, everybody loves you so much. What if you and I started messing around with maybe doing a couple episodes, see what we think? If you and I like doing a two hander, problem solving show that we can put on our feed. And I already.

[A]

I said. I said, terrible idea for some reason. Who is this? I don't know who Gareth is.

[B]

Yeah, but I prodded you and eventually you remembered me. That's the other guy from the show.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And you agreed to do it. And we just did two hours. What did you think? Are you glad you said yes? And my mother just handed me a note that says, what did your mom say? Can I go to the shops in your car? Yeah, go. Yeah, you're good.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Garrett Small. Yeah, go. Kat Reitman says hello. Oh, hello. You know Kat. Have you met?

[A]

You know, we've never met, but I feel like I know her. So Gareth and I met listener on a little show called the Real Wedding Crashers a long time ago. I'm not gonna say how long because it ages us. Gareth, get your mom the fuck out of here. I am trying to transition the show.

[B]

English people say goodbye 20 times longer than an American. Do you know that?

[A]

Why didn't you just hit the road? Is that true?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I thought they were inefficient people.

[B]

They're not. And no, they're verbose. Brutally verbose. But keep going.

[A]

I was just saying how we met. Making the real wedding crashers. Where we were put in this absurd situation where it was an Ashton Kutcher joint where. You remember punked. We were punking people on their wedding. There were a few of us and all of us an unbelievable cast of funny people that we're still friends with. But Gareth and I had a very special magic. Like we just met and we were like, I feel like I've known you forever. It's easily because. And I'm only doing this once. Gareth is hands down One of the funniest and quickest improvisers I've ever met. And you've only gotten funnier with time. Maybe because your life is sadder, but you continue to grow. Some would say shrink. And I just. When he called and said, do you want to build? Like, do you want to play? Do you want to take calls and play? I was like, yeah, let's do it. Do I regret it now that we've done two calls that are largely all about poop and sex? Yes.

[B]

Four calls about poop and you'll hear. But. Well, I completely agree. There was something. You just. We hit it off right away in a very. And not only that, we then became buddies. We, like, once the show was over, we were talking, we were hanging. You met your husband very shortly after we were done with that, I think about your husband, like, within six months after doing that show. Right?

[A]

Something like that. Yeah.

[B]

And then. So you were married. I. We just. We. We just stayed in touch. I became friends with your husband. We just. True. And we've stayed in touch forever. You've had some wild success. You were in Canada for a while, shooting your show, Working Moms, Seven seasons available on Netflix. And. And you did that. So we. I. You know, there are times where we didn't talk as much, but we would always catch up and be like, my God, you're the fucking best. All that stuff. So. And when you've been nice enough to come on the show, people have just loved you. Jake and I, as soon as we're done recording with you, we're going, jesus Christ, she's so funny. I mean, hard, funny, laughing. But then also, part of the thinking was you don't have a podcast, which I kind of understand, because I'm now

[A]

understanding why I don't.

[B]

Yeah, same. No, because it's. It's kind of daunting at this point. They're all. There are so many. But we were just like, well, what if we just slide you into this world a little bit more and you and I just do this once, twice a month, something like that, where we can just kind of do a little.

[A]

I'll tell you what, you. You let us know, because I'm toe dipping right now. Yeah, I do love playing a lot. Messing about, if you will, with. And mucking about, seeing what's in the water, what's biting.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Fisherman. Fisherman.

[B]

I don't understand. Yeah, go ahead.

[A]

No, I do a lot of fishing. You can tell by the hands.

[B]

Last. What is that? What you got hook fingers?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You could Tell by all the holes.

[A]

I don't use a. I don't use a.

[B]

A rod. Jesus Christ. You don't even know rod for your lie. That's shocking.

[A]

Because I use my hands.

[B]

You like one of those people. You. You do the catfish thing.

[A]

Catfish.

[B]

That makes sense.

[A]

Gross.

[B]

That makes sense.

[A]

Look, I fish with my hands. I don't know why I brought it up. I'm always trying to show it off, but.

[B]

But you have now done it. What do you think I've now done it?

[A]

I. I like mucking about with you, okay? I. And I really do like. I. The colors so far have been so delightful and funny and. And self deprecating and truly likable. That's the truth. And it sounds like people have been exposed to some really horrific situations.

[B]

And you're good at problem solving. That is why you and I remained friends for so long as well, was we would talk each other through the nightmares of this business and, you know, relationships, et cetera.

[A]

I think what's so funny to me also is that whenever, you know, when you see a set of co hosts for a podcast, you're probably not thinking this way, but now being in the situation, all of the real life advice Gareth and I would give each other is now being represented with you, caller. So, for instance, instead of just saying, hey, I'm gonna be honest and face this dead on, Gareth is suggesting wildly hiring doubles and circus action. Just. You're doing cartwheels instead of just addressing the problem head on.

[B]

But sometimes this is what you'll find though, Kat.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Sometimes the craziest pitch, you'll give them eight pitches, and the dumbest one, they're gonna go, I think I'm gonna. I think I'm gonna put a mustache on my mother in law when she sleeps. And you go, what the.

[A]

Do you know why I think people are so afraid of confrontation? Because the real truth is it's really hard to get through a problem.

[B]

Well, if they're calling us. If they're calling us, they've thought about the straight on route and it does not sound right. They are like, I want the circuitous mustache on.

[A]

Mother in law is the only one.

[B]

Yeah, I want to prank them or write a fake email. That's why they're calling us. They want us to get a little dirty.

[A]

And man, are you ready for it.

[B]

Yes. Anyway, this is the first episode of Cat and Rat. That's tough.

[A]

I don't think this is. I didn't approve this title.

[B]

Okay, well, let's. Let's have people Pitch titles, you'll pitch title. We'll find a title.

[A]

Find one that fits us better. Because Cat and rat, you're just lazy. One gentleman was like, it rhymes. I was like, exactly. This is ridiculous.

[B]

Okay. All right, so enjoy the first episode of Cat and Sexy.

[A]

No.

[B]

And we are brought to you by Wayfair. Oh, Wayfair. Listen, Wayfair crushes it. Your space should feel like you. And if it doesn't yet, that's probably not a taste problem. It's a budget problem. While Wayfair fixes that, I know that I got a lot of stuff from Wayfair. It just feels more like a home. I've got a new end table for a lamp. Not a new lamp, but now it feels like a new lamp. A thing for all the bedding at the end of the bed, which is great. I call it the bedding casket. You know, it looks like if a sheet Dracula would rise up out of it. But. But it just gives you all those little, dare I say accoutrement that makes your home feel a lot more like a home. And there's so much stuff. I mean, you're going through it, you are flying through it. It's unbelievable how much stuff is on there. You could get lost in Wayfair. I did get lost in Wayfair for a little bit. Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to Wayfair.com right now. Shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W A Y F aIr.com. and we are brought to you by quince. Oh, the joys of quince. Ah, quince makes summer better. One thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed. Find myself reaching for those pieces. I've got a new quince piece that's out there. It's a collared shirt, but it's like short sleeve and it's kind of puffy. I'm not good at explaining it, but I love it. And that's why I keep coming back to quince. They focus on well made essentials that naturally just become those everyday staples that you actually live in all season long. And there's a lot of reasons to love quints. 100%. Linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on all that stuff. And that's $34. Their teas. Oh, I've got a lot of their teas. Their teas are soft enough to live in all day. And that lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want. When the summer Nights cool down. Everything at quints is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories. They cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. It is the best. Cannot say enough good stuff about quints. Everyone I know who uses quince uses quince, gets quince, loves it. So make sure your summer wardrobe is easier. Go to quince.com/here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. We let you in. That's Q U I n c e.com/ here to help for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com here to help.

[C]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. You know what Squarespace is and so do you. It's where you can build a website. You want to see how it works? Go to garethreynolds.com I love Gareth, but he is not a technically sound individual and he built that website himself.

[B]

They really are the best. They make you stand out. Your website looks professional and there's all these things they can help you with. They can help you with the SEO tools, your cutting edge design, your dome mains, your donations, your videos, you know, whatever it is that is really Squarespace is there for you. They make you look the part. And again, it's easy. Nobody's gonna go to your Squarespace website and be like, boy, this guy mailed it in. I've worked with Squarespace for a long time. Every website I am associated with, which is quite a few of them completely Squarespace only. I'm a Squarespace only fellow. What can I say? So go to squarespace.com Gilset me for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code. Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. The caller emailed one minute ago saying running to the restroom but staying on the line. He was in the waiting room waiting, so he's probably in the bathroom right now. This is a great mistake.

[A]

It's number one or number two.

[B]

I'm going to tell you exactly what I think it is.

[A]

You think Nervous? Tell me kind of.

[B]

I think it's number two. I don't think you say, I'm going to the restroom if it's number one.

[A]

Why? You just do one there and two.

[B]

No, I think you can run. I think you can run with confidence and run and I mean, unless it's

[A]

like we're dealing with. With two.

[B]

Yeah. That could be like a long thing. Could be like the 20 minute thing.

[A]

Do you want to email him, Jesse, and just ask if it's number one or number two?

[B]

It's a pretty good idea. Jesse, would you. I'd be happy to.

[A]

I just want to see if Jesse's not doing it.

[B]

But, Jesse, I should email one or two. No, I'm emailing right now.

[A]

Just one or two. Just say Gareth wants to know.

[B]

I think Cat also really wants to know. Actually, Gareth knows, but we just want.

[A]

You think you're confident about this?

[B]

Confident. It's.

[A]

I think it's a great way to start the show is just being like, was it one or two? And if so, could you describe.

[B]

Are you taking one?

[A]

I'm taking one. Two feels like.

[B]

Okay, so this will be. This will be the first. Caller, are you there?

[D]

I. I am here now, yeah.

[B]

All right, caller, we've got. I don't know how much you've been told, but you're with Kat Reitman and me. We're calling it Pat and Rat Loosely. Okay. But we just want to see if it sticks. We just. Speaking of if it sticks, we know that you were delayed because you. You had to run to the bathroom. And while you did, we had to vamp, obviously. But we got to guessing whether or not you went one or two. Kat, you said one and why?

[A]

Well, it just felt like a. A. If you really got a two, you're not going to have the time maybe, or the space to write the email where. 1. I feel like you could hold it longer. I also just. I felt. But who knows? Maybe you got nervous.

[B]

Maybe. I think it was two. I was saying it was two, so. Well, before we find out who you are, where you are, was it one or was it two?

[D]

It happens to be one. Yes. I'm on a medicine that makes me constantly urinate, so that's my issue.

[B]

What's your. What's your best medicine?

[D]

It's not to encourage it for the primary purpose, but it's. It's for my adhd.

[B]

Oh, no kidding.

[A]

And that makes you pee more?

[D]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's like a diuretic.

[D]

It is, yes. Unfortunately, it is, because I'm already, you know, going off the walls. I'm also constantly setting up.

[B]

If you were going off the walls.

[A]

That's true.

[D]

Wow. Yep.

[A]

Now it's going to be like my first, like, cat and rat spin here, but I'm like, here's a spin, here's a take for you. You put buckets everywhere.

[B]

Okay. We're not we're not.

[A]

We're not.

[B]

We're not pitching on that. I love it. Obviously, I love the idea that we make this person start living in a room of pee buckets, because obviously that works.

[A]

Sorry for finding a solution to his life.

[B]

Yeah. But. Okay, so look, let's get to your issue, but I think the first.

[A]

We already found it. Pretty sure we already covered it.

[B]

I don't know if you signs, but imagine that with buckets from Lowe's and they're full of your piss. That'll help you focus. What is your name, buddy?

[D]

I'm going with Ronnie.

[B]

Ronnie loves to piss. And, Ronnie, how old are you?

[D]

I am late 20s.

[B]

Late 20s. 28. And where are you calling from, Ronnie?

[D]

Southwest. The southwest region of the U.S. see,

[B]

Cat, what I like is that there's so many vague details that I think we're going to have a good situation. I think we're going to juice. I think there's going to be some juice here. But, Ronnie, you've got Cat Reitman.

[A]

He already knows.

[B]

I know, but I just want to make sure. I'm very excited that you're doing this, Kat. So I want the callers to understand this is. This is special. We have Ronnie.

[A]

Now, you should know this is Gareth and I's first call. We're both feeling a lot of just anticipatory joy because we like to sort of mess about and have fun. But I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna put something on record that I think your piss situation is the real issue, and I think buckets about the room is the solve, but go ahead.

[B]

We have officially talked about that already, so we moved on.

[E]

So.

[B]

So, Ronnie, you can get 10 buckets for a hundred dollars. That could be awesome. What's the real problem and what's going on?

[D]

That's awesome. Well, I am very familiar with Kat being on your guys podcast, so super excited to have her join and offer the female perspective, because this does involve my wife,

[A]

Cat.

[D]

Right.

[B]

For this. Buckets.

[A]

Yeah. I won't. I change everything.

[D]

I. To kind of give a little context. My wife, she's truly a saint for being married to me. We just celebrated six years last month and anniversary. Thank you. Thank you. We.

[B]

Not that grew up.

[D]

Yeah, it's. It's something. It's more than five years.

[E]

Yep.

[D]

Yeah. So we. She grew up with animals. I did not. So I came into this marriage knowing I was gonna have to make some concessions and started out with rats. Then we moved on to dogs.

[B]

Hey, buddy. Whoa. Started with rats.

[A]

That's the only.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you mean, started with rat? Like, started with dogs? Yeah.

[A]

First she gets a dog, and I'm like, all right, I'm not a dog person.

[B]

Here we go. I did cocaine, then I smoked weed. Then I tried wine, Then I tried some wine with dinner.

[A]

How many rats we talking here, Ronnie?

[D]

We started with a little bit of a tangent, but we started with Ronnie.

[A]

That's all I know with you. All I know is tangents with him, sir.

[D]

We start with one rat named Pirate, and he was called Pirate because he had one eye that he couldn't see well out of. And we got him through a rat rescue, and people are rescued. We had to give him. Yes, yes. And we had to give him back because he bit my wife in the face.

[B]

So they named him Pirate. You named a pirate?

[D]

I mean.

[B]

Yeah, you know,

[A]

he bit his wife

[B]

in the face, this rat.

[A]

Bitter face.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm sorry. You. You brought a rat in the house. Now, I want to say I. I love rats. I think we could live with rats,

[A]

but here we go.

[B]

No, it's true. But look, I think you got to

[A]

develop for his brotherhood.

[B]

You got it to fella as.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

How bad was the bite?

[D]

It drew blood. It was. Unfortunately, it was the second bite. First bite was on the ear. We were like, maybe he's going for earrings.

[B]

That's just flirting.

[D]

Second bite was, you know, we had to draw the line.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Yeah, sure. It's very sane of you.

[B]

Okay, so you got a rat, then you moved to. What did you say?

[D]

Dogs, naturally. And them frogs and then fish, a turtle, and then we have now landed on pigeons, birds, and my

[A]

Ronnie. I'm going to give you the advice, the only advice anyone should ever give you if they respect you. You got it? You got to get out of this relationship.

[B]

Here's what you do. Get nine rats and CFL eaters. If your wife could get eaten by rats, and then you're free.

[A]

By the way, they are one storm away from all those animals taking over the house, fucking killing his wife, killing Ronnie. He's got a terminal or. They live 100 years.

[B]

Varmint Noah.

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

I love it, but I get that that's a lot.

[A]

So, Ronnie, is the problem that you don't. Are you unhappy being surrounded by this circus of animals, or are you kind of like getting to know them and actually kind of enjoying them and now they' a soft spot in your heart for them? What's the problem?

[D]

I love the joy it brings to my wife again. She's a saint. Like, I'm kind of. I'm going to, you know, make a. Make a way for her to experience joy when she got to deal with my, you know, wildness.

[B]

Sorry. You're. You're being very gracious, and I'm sure everybody in a relationship appreciates this. But what are you. When you talk about your. What are you. What are your problems that you feel like this is compensating for?

[D]

Well, just the way that I. I function is like, I. I am very quick to let what, you know, appears in my brain come out of my mouth right times. Yeah, very. Yeah. Yeah. My filter is not existent in scenarios when my wife would prefer it to be existent. Yeah.

[B]

Like when you're like, that ramp in your face. We should get rid of it. She's like, oh, my God. You just blurt anything out.

[A]

You just say everything that comes to your head.

[B]

Let him eat my eyeball. So what is the. What is the issue here, Ronnie? Bottom line.

[D]

So I love these animals. The issue has become. I said to her when we introduced pigeons to the equation that we would have no birds in the household, because I just. I did not want that. And we have had a. She brought and introduced a new pigeon to the coop that I built for her, and its name is Monkey.

[B]

I'm a real asshole.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

I built a Cooper full of pigeons, the filthiest animals. How many. How many pigeons are we talking real quick?

[D]

Well, we started for two. We got off of, like, Craigslist and crazy.

[B]

Where are we at?

[D]

Population exploded. We're at, like, 10 to 11, maybe.

[A]

Now you're saying, dude, you are insane.

[B]

11 pigeons. And you built a coupe. You started with pigeons.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, right?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Just having to sit on the couch while some. While your wife's just like, oh, you know what?

[A]

I think there's a bunch of.

[B]

There's two pigeons available on Craigslist.

[A]

Or just the drop off being like, all right, here you go. Just remove the blanket when you're ready for him to. To move.

[B]

They're great pigeons. My wife's just crazy. She don't want me to keep them anymore.

[A]

She'll say anything that comes to her head. No filter.

[B]

She just blurts out everything like, get rid of these pigeons. I hate you.

[A]

I gotta get rid of them. You don't want a problem.

[B]

Anyway, she's got Tourette's. Okay. All right, so you've got 11.

[A]

We got 11 pigeons.

[B]

Monkey's a guy or a pigeon?

[D]

Yeah, monkey is a pigeon. A dude pigeon.

[B]

You're not helping us. Okay. Monkey's a pigeon.

[D]

Is rather a pigeon.

[A]

Stop it.

[B]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[D]

Rat is rat.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're just having fun.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Monkey's a pigeon. Obviously, she's. Who named him?

[D]

Probably my wife or where she got.

[A]

She's a problem. She's a problem.

[B]

Monkeys. Monkeys. That's the title of the.

[D]

So monkey, he. He is bonded to humans. So monkey now hangs out in the house. In the house, which was my. My line that I had drawn, right? And monkey is also alpha dogging me. So anytime I'm in the room, he's flying onto my head and he's snuggling up on my wife and, like, grooming her. He'll, like, kiss her on the face. And he tries to mate with her as well.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Stop it.

[B]

What do you mean? Stop.

[A]

I wish this was about buckets. This is crazy.

[E]

What does.

[D]

He.

[A]

Trying to fuck your wife? What does that mean? Ronnie? He.

[D]

He likes my wife a lot and thinks that she's his mate, and so he'll, like, do the little, like. He'll, like, rub his butt on her and on, like, her hand. And so what. What happened the other day, and that's what prompted me to call, is that she said something that was so out of pocket. And I looked at her with such. I've never looked at her with such disdain, I guess. And she was like, you've never looked at me like that. And she said, monkey, I'm not gonna put my finger in your cloaca, which is the pigeons, like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, it's the pisser,

[B]

the shitter, the cat. Do you know this?

[A]

Yeah, I know. I do now.

[B]

Yeah, There's. There's the one whole. The birds are rocking a weird.

[A]

It's nice to have a twofer. It's nice to have an all for one or.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

I think we could all.

[B]

Something for the anniversary.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Something for the anniversary.

[B]

Yeah. You want to keep a couple? But, Jesse, don't tell me we have evidence.

[D]

We.

[B]

Well, I was just gonna say we have some photos of Monkey.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

If you're ready to see those.

[A]

I've been. I've been ready.

[B]

I'm not ready, but let's go. All right. So, Ronnie, I just got real nervous. I did, too. Wait, hold on. I'm sorry. I'm trying. I want to get going, but why? With who? She's. No, it's not your fault. But who is. Who's she giving this present? Do these people want this presentation, because what's on the TV is, quote, rats with wings. And then someone says, angels. Angels with wings.

[A]

More like angels with wings. Right. Because pigeons have the nickname of rats with wings. And she's like.

[B]

She's like.

[A]

That's a misnomer. Right?

[D]

Very, very appropriate.

[B]

I'm about to finger this one.

[A]

It is everything hole. Ronnie, I'm gonna make this real simple for you. You can close this. This. This.

[B]

There might be more. There might be more. Are there more? Well, okay, now we're seeing Ronnie. Ronnie. Yeah. Ronnie's like, there's a bond here. There's a bond. Okay, now, Ron, the first of all, the idea that your wife is letting any more animals near her face after what the rat did.

[A]

The rat did.

[D]

I'm a rat.

[A]

What I do for just the rat in the corner of this image, just menacing. You know what I mean?

[B]

Just faces to bite. Now, how would you describe the. The pigeon's face and vibe here? Because it seems there's some.

[A]

There's a lot going on.

[B]

Like.

[A]

Okay, well, his Ronnie's lovely partner is seated, and her eyes are peacefully closed. And right up against her face is Monkey, who now we know is a pigeon. And Monkey appears to be sort of eyes mirroring hers, peaceful and sealed, as if they are speaking their own language. Ronnie, you should run, honestly. And the beak is down. The beak is sort of kissing her nose, and it's as if they're communicating. There's something going on here.

[B]

There's love here.

[A]

Real love.

[B]

Monkey. Monkey has a mama and I guess a partner because he's trying to put the everything hole on the oracle on her hand and stuff.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, now here's you, Ronnie. Now we've got a picture of Ronnie on top of your head or monkeys on your head.

[A]

So this is him, you think, being territorial?

[D]

Yes, yes, this is. This is his M.O. he'll, like. We'll have people at the house, and he'll fly past them to land on my head. How.

[B]

How much time is. Is Monkey full time in the house?

[D]

Oh, no, thankfully.

[A]

He also seems to be wearing a diaper.

[B]

Yes. Is he wearing a diaper?

[D]

Yes, thankfully.

[B]

Yeah. Let's get all the details out on this stuff. Okay. Don't make us use Waldo the diaper.

[D]

Pigeon's got a. Pigeon's got a diaper. Pigeon got a diaper. I think that's the only. Only thing I left out.

[B]

Why does pigeon have a diaper?

[A]

Ronnie, just dancing everything whole as we know is.

[B]

Yeah, we're coming right back to Buckets

[A]

by The way my instincts are. Fire.

[B]

Yeah, you've really Nostradamus this. Oh, man.

[D]

Yeah, I. Yeah, I think buckets could be a good solution for no diaper. But I prefer the diaper so that I don't get caught in the crosshairs of the cloaca and the bike.

[A]

So is the question. Oh, the cloaca is the question. Then don't. Okay.

[B]

It's a beautiful hole. Swiss army hole.

[A]

All respect to the Swiss army cloaca.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

My question is you're calling because you are in a sit. You're in a predicament. You've already communicated to her that it's a problem, but monkeys all over the house. Have you given an ultimatum or are you like, I don't even know if I should go there yet.

[B]

Well, what is the. What. What are you looking for from us, Ron? Are you.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I think, you know, my wife, she. She said in response to my, you know, disgust, if I'm jealous of this bird.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yes. She like, am I jealous of this bird? And I, as a grown man, would not like to admit that I am jealous of the bird. And so basically my. My question is, how do I get in between my wife and this pigeon?

[A]

Well, it's a two tier answer for me, which is like, look, when most couples first have a baby, that's a human ronnie that most couples invest in, the husband will get jealous of the baby. Like it's a thing. Right. Because they're not used to their wife having this thing.

[B]

Did that happen to you?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Phil initially was jealous of our first child because he was like, God, you guys are so connected. And then, you know, eventually the husband gets connected with the child, but they don't have the, you know, the hormones and all the whatnot. That's already. That's. That's in house with the mom. So it's a normal thing to experience, but eventually the husband bonds. From what I'm hearing, though, like, do you want to have a traditional home? Do you want to have children? Do you want to have a bunch of animals? Do you want to have one animal? What is your perfect. If she could. If you could make her do exactly what you wanted, what would that vision entail?

[D]

I am obviously good with figuring out something in between, but ideally, ideally, pigeon stays in the coop. But I am, like, open to the pigeon being in the house part time. But I. Yeah, I kind of want to, like, break up this. This little situation.

[B]

It's out of control.

[A]

So the real problem isn't the pigeon. That there's too many animals and there's a pigeon in the house. The real problem is that your wife has a connection with this creature that you feel and you're disturbed by it. You feel envious of the pigeon getting your wife's attention. Is that the core of the issue?

[D]

I think it is. I think it is.

[A]

Okay, that's.

[B]

That's. That's a wild. That's a wild problem. And there's.

[A]

Listen, there's only one solution, Gareth, and that is you gotta kill the bird.

[B]

You gotta eat the bird in front of her.

[A]

You gotta eat.

[B]

You gotta tie her up and eat the bird in front of her hole.

[A]

If you cook that bird, it doesn't work.

[B]

No. Pure dominance. Well, I.

[A]

There's a Game of Thrones episode about it. Go ahead.

[E]

There's.

[B]

There's a lot there. I mean, the idea that you have to have this conversation is difficult. We can rehearse the conversation, but maybe there's. Maybe instead of fully confronting that out of nowhere because is a weird thing to say, she clearly knows she's breaking the rule. You guys had a rule. You built a coupe. She's breaking. So you have every right to say, hey, I know that this happened gradually, but we're at the point in the movie where the film would stop and the narrator would say, I bet you're wondering how this happened. And we would need context, because this is a movie. This is a movie that's. Don't look disgusted by the movie. The movie is going to be very

[A]

good for, like, 1982. And anyway, go ahead.

[B]

It's called Kowak. It's called get your pigeon.

[A]

Get your pitch on. Oh, that's nice.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

Now, okay, I'm. Let me throw out a couple things here just so we know what we don't want.

[D]

All right?

[B]

My first idea is eat the pigeon. Eat the pigeon. No, is the rat bit her. Things had to change. Fake a pit. Fake a pigeon bite. Get a little blood on your cheek. Maybe you even pull a wrestling move and you just take the. You take. Hold on, cat. Let me cook here. Let me cook here. Because I agree this is a terrible idea, but let me cook here. You take something like a pin, and you just pin your cheek. And then you fake a. You fake a pigeon poke and you say, monkey bit me, and it's a lie. I agree. Maybe we just. Maybe after this, we could confront the emotional part. And then you say, hey, this explains

[A]

a lot about your current life.

[B]

I'm a problem. Okay.

[A]

This is a big problem. That's the way you say it.

[B]

All right, I'm getting some pushback. Let me go. Let me go with a new one.

[A]

Go to two.

[B]

A pigeon outfit. You start dressing like a pigeon, and you're doing this because it's the only way to feel the love that monkey is getting. And. And maybe, maybe, maybe we unveil the pigeon outfit when it's time for a little hanky panky. You guys are in the bedroom, and you give her. Hold on, Cat. This face is really. It's a hard. It's hard to pitch into the attitude that I'm feeling. You say, I'm gonna slip into something a little more appropriate. And you come in. In a pigeon outfit and your dick's out, and you say, hey, I thought maybe you're in love with monkey so much. Here I am. Can tell where. Nobody's enjoying that. Let me keep going.

[A]

I feel like the real issue here is we need to have. I think Garrett's initial conceit was that you have to have a conversation with her, right. Where you express that a line was crossed.

[D]

Right.

[A]

The pigeons got to be in the coop, by the way. I don't even think it's good for pigeons to be indoors. I'm pretty sure that's an outdoor creature. They're not meant to be in a house. Gareth, go with me if there's an outfit. That could surely be a lot.

[B]

Should I go with you or should I do what you did to me? Check, please. We get that. Check whenever you're ready, please.

[A]

This. It's this. It's the fussy and upset pour me out. I don't like it. I think you got to talk to her. I think you gotta make a solid. But regardless if it's good for the creature or not, it's not good for you, but you are the one.

[B]

But I think what would be helpful is the inch. If the. Like, what if you pitched visitation hours, and there are certain times of the day when she's allowed to bring monkey into the house. And what do you do for work, Ronnie? Do you work from home?

[D]

No, no, I. I do fundraising work.

[B]

Okay. Fundraising work. So. So. And then, first of all, you're great people, but I didn't mean to sound like Trump. There's. But when you're gone, that's monkey time. Monkey's allowed in the house when you're gone. You can say it everywhere.

[A]

I will say, though, you have an animal, Gareth. It's very confusing for them. Like, outdoor dogs are outside. Right. Do Outdoor dogs come inside, too.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is that a thing? Okay, so the pigeon can handle. Go inside, outside.

[B]

Yeah. So. But maybe. Jesse. Go ahead. I just want to know, how does the pigeon get into the house? She brings her. So that. Yeah. That feels like it might be a little easier to if. Yeah. If you put some limits on how and when she can bring him into the house.

[A]

Like a dog door that she's flying in every time she wants.

[B]

Love that idea.

[D]

Right?

[B]

Pigeon door. Like a little pigeon door. But no, I. That's why I would say, you know, say to her, look, when I'm at work, you can have monkey in the house. When I get to try it.

[A]

Do you want to try it with me a little bit?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Hold on.

[B]

So you could just.

[A]

One second, one second, one second. I love you, too.

[B]

Hey, honey.

[A]

Yeah, just one second.

[B]

I know. No, no, no, no. Get. Oh, my God. Are you on the koika?

[A]

Sorry, did your face just go to the koika? No, he's just loving honey. I think he likes honey.

[B]

Honey, please put.

[D]

What.

[B]

I want to talk about monkey and the. In a. Not in a way that should excite you.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

I think monkey's kind of taken over a little too much of the in house time. And I feel like you want to

[A]

go out and he and I should stay in here.

[B]

No, I think that. No, let me finish talking and then you can fill it in. I think that there's monkeys in the house so much that we've kind of just like the first idea was the coop, that all the pigeons go in the coop. And I know monkey and you have a bond and.

[A]

But do we.

[B]

And I don't. Don't say like that. And I don't want to say that.

[A]

It's.

[B]

I'm not. It's not that I'm jealous, but I just kind of miss being one on one with you. Monkey is not. Doesn't do that for me. What? It does. What he does for you. He doesn't make me.

[A]

Would you just hold on one second?

[B]

I don't do anything with monkey.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Why are you listening to the koeka? Yeah, honey.

[A]

Well, I know he's.

[B]

Well, he's here.

[A]

Go ahead, babe. Babe, go ahead.

[B]

I think we need. I think we need times when monkey's allowed in the house and when monkey isn't. Like when I'm at work, you and monkey can hang out when I come home. I think it's almost like no monkey for most nights. And maybe a couple times a week he can come in for, like an hour and hang out, but it's. I don't want our house to turn into monkey's coop. And that's kind of what it feels like.

[A]

This is really reasonable. And I mean, sure, okay. What's that?

[B]

No, don't listen to his koika.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Stop going to the koika for words.

[A]

His coica. He doesn't love it.

[B]

No, I know he won't.

[A]

I'm sorry. This is. This is the boundary we have to make.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I think.

[A]

Don't let him go.

[B]

What do you think of something like that, Ronnie?

[D]

I like. I like visitation hours. I like visitation hours. I also like kind of what Kat was saying about, you know, later in a baby's life, the. The, you know, dad starts to bond with. With the baby. Like, maybe when the visitation hours are happening, I could kind of start trying to get the. Get monkey to be one of the boys.

[A]

I'm just gonna flag real quick that I don't know, like, babies who can bond with their fathers. I don't know that pigeons. I don't know what the psyche is with these creatures, if they're capable. Like, are they. Like, I pick my mate. Like, I pick this woman, and I can't. I just don't want you to put yourself in a situation where you're like, the pigeon's not bonding with me. I think it sounds like your wife has a pet. The pet is allowed visitation hours, but other than that, you're home. You are. I am re. I am officially reinstalling that. You are king of the castle. This is your home.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the. The creature's allowed to come in for a little bit of the day, but when you get home, that pigeon's out. And I think that's a very reasonable compromise. And you gotta. Even though you have no filter, you have to hold the line on this because you are worthy. This is not a big thing.

[B]

You tell her you got a coup. You're not allowing a coup. Thanks for the call.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

No, I'm just kidding. That just felt like an outline to me. But no, you should stick around. I think that's right, though. So. So what are you going to do, Ronnie?

[D]

I think, yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna implement some visitation. What are those gonna look like?

[B]

What are you. What are you gonna pitch visitation hours? Cause you should probably have that nailed

[D]

down a little bit, I think. Yeah, ideally, I think it's when I'm not at the house. Cause it just. Yeah, it's a. It's a lot to handle. Bird flying around.

[B]

And so you're pitching fully no pigeon when you're home?

[D]

I think. I think no pigeon when I'm home.

[B]

I like that.

[D]

Or. Yeah, I think I just gotta do it cut and dry. I don't want to give any, you know, leeway. More leeway. I should say.

[A]

No wiggle room.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I think you say I'm uncomfortable and see how your partner shows up for you. You built the coop. You've been a saint.

[B]

I really do. And honestly, I think that that's right. It's like, this is. You have a very fair point. But even if you didn't, this is how you're feeling. So she should listen. Hopefully she'll understand that, you know, there was a. There was no communication to allowing the pigeon in the house.

[E]

This.

[B]

The bandana diapered pigeon. So have that conversation now. When are you going to do it?

[D]

I'll try to do it fast. Soon. She is an avid listener, so I do want to also, like, she is amazing. Like, she is a great, great wife and person. Right. And just an incredible spouse. So. Yes.

[B]

So she should probably understand what you're talking about. And, you know, in all truth, what we're saying is true, is like, you're right. It's very nice to try to help animals and all these things and also animals that, you know, are off the beaten path a little bit. But, yeah, let's.

[A]

One could say unlovable.

[B]

One could say, yeah. What most people would be like, get out of here. I had a pigeon one time fly into my head. And I still have been. Yeah, I was in Australia. It was totally the craziest thing that ever happened.

[A]

But so glad you're sharing this.

[B]

Thank you. It feels like it's going over real good. But. But start that now.

[A]

When it flew into your head, were there any ramifications? Did. Did you have any sort of scratches or just sort of wap and move?

[B]

I. I just jammed a finger in it and it was awesome. So have the conversation. I'm just trying to think of, like, it maybe since she's a listener, could we get a video of you two right after it? And let's just see where we've landed because I think Cat's right. She's going to be open to it. She's going to understand. But let's get a video and then let's have a follow up. The four of us. Yeah, let's just see.

[D]

I think that sounds good.

[B]

All right, Ronnie, we gotta go. Let us know. All Right, buddy?

[A]

You start this one. You're better at starting.

[B]

No, wait here, I'll walk you through it. Hello.

[E]

Hello.

[B]

Hi. What's your name, please?

[E]

My name's Addison.

[B]

Addison, where are you calling from, Addison?

[E]

Calling from New Jersey.

[B]

New Jersey, Terrible. And how old are you, Addison?

[E]

I'm 27.

[B]

27. Okay, Addison, you've got a. We're doing a spin off show here. We have Kat Reitman, who, I'm gonna be honest, I think is everyone's favorite guest helper. That's what sort of prompted this idea. And you have me, and she's Kat. And when Kat has called him before, I've referred to myself and also everyone. I've been called the rat. So this is cat and rat, and we're just same thing, solving problems.

[A]

Okay, Addison, you're in Jersey and you got a situation. You're in Jersey.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Okay. Yes.

[A]

You got a situation.

[E]

Yes. So I have a boxer dog. Her name's Honey Bun. And we recently moved into a new house which required us to get a new dog walker for when we're at work. So she's very particular about her dog walkers. Over the few years we've gone through a few. And so I found this girl on a website that promotes dog walking and when she came over to our house, we'll call her Emily, she came over to our house for an interview. Honeyben loved her. So I was having a good feeling about it. And so we were going to go forward with scheduling weekly walks. So during this interview, this is the only time I've ever met this. Met Emily in person. She had told me a story about how the first time she ever went to someone's house to walk their dog, she clogged their toilet. And so to be funny, to make light of the story I told, I pointed out where our downstairs half bathroom was for her to use if she needed it. And so, so that went fine. You know, we started our weekly walks. Everything was going well. Honeyben really liked her. Okay, not that day. Not that day.

[B]

So can I just ask, how did that come up in a short interview about dog walking? That seems like a crazy thing. You hide forever. If that happens, Gareth, I felt like

[E]

you should do it right now.

[A]

How would it come up? So you're Emily. I'm Honey Bun's owner.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so dog walking, how did you get into that?

[B]

Oh, God. Well, it just. It fits my schedule. I love animals and it's just been the best. Just like I was able to slot it into my life and, you know, sometimes I'll do six, seven, eight, nine a day, you know.

[A]

Oh, my God. Where do you find the time?

[B]

Well, it's hard. I try to get them all together. I mean, some. I'm not gonna lie to you. Sometimes I'll be 10 minutes late, or I'll ask if I can come in 10 minutes early, but because of the. The website, you can always tell when I'm there and when I'm not. The bathroom. Sometimes, if I am pressed for time, I'll use the bathroom, like, in your house or someone else's, which is just. I hope that's okay.

[A]

Oh, of course.

[B]

I've never had any issues with that or anything. I've. I will say I did clog someone's

[A]

toilet once, and just like that, it came out okay. So it's not impossible. But, Gareth, you had to find it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You can't just be like, I take big dumps. Hello.

[A]

Okay, so you like her. You have a good vibe. She reveals a kind of weird story. But you think, wow, she's being so transparent. I kind of like that in my dog walker.

[E]

Exactly, exactly. So I didn't think too much of it, so everything went fine. There was one week that she canceled the entire week, and I quote, she canceled it for tummy troubles. That's the way she worded it to me. And so I was like, okay. Yes. And so I was like, okay, whatever. So the next week, I came home after work and we keep all of our, like, bedroom bathroom doors shut during the day so honey bun can't wander in and out. And so I notice our upstairs bathroom. The door is open and the light

[A]

is on, which is abnormal. No one uses the bathroom you wanted her to use.

[B]

Yep. You were very clear.

[E]

Yes, yes.

[B]

Is there a fan light combo in that bathroom she used?

[E]

There's just a light. No fan.

[B]

All right, thanks.

[E]

So naturally, I go upstairs because I'm like, that's weird. And I go upstairs and the toilet's clogged.

[B]

Oh, my God. Now, what do you mean clogged? Walk us through. What version of clogged is.

[E]

Was clogged with toilet paper and bodily materials.

[B]

The bodily materials.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

A lot of paper.

[E]

A lot of paper. And I was able to fix it. I was able to get it flushed.

[B]

That is crazy. That is crazy.

[A]

Plunger. Do you have to change it to

[B]

walk away from a shit clogged toilet that you made? That is crazy. To leave that.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

That's psychopathic.

[A]

That's psychopathic. Do you think. Hold on, hold on. Hold On. Do you think maybe she thought it went down? She was listening to maybe AirPods, listening to her favorite podcast, her to help. And she just was like, boop, boop, boop, boop. And she didn't realize that it was like. And it didn't go down. Yeah, I don't you think she knew when she fricking left?

[B]

I think she realized this was untenable and she didn't know what to do.

[A]

So was there follow up, Emily, did you contact her?

[E]

So I did not say anything. I'm pretty non confrontational, so I did not say anything. So we go forward and you know, this was the week after her tummy trouble. So I was like, okay, maybe she just wasn't feeling well, whatever. And so the next week it happened again.

[A]

No, no.

[E]

In the same upstairs toilet.

[A]

And she plugged your toilet again.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

This is an astonishing person.

[E]

Yeah. And so.

[A]

No, Gareth, Gareth. Put those fucking things in your.

[B]

What I miss. I'm so sorry.

[A]

The second week she did it again. The dog walker came back, same bathroom, pooped, flooded, left, no word.

[D]

Emily.

[A]

This is astonishing.

[B]

Emily. That is same thing. Poop again.

[E]

Yep, yep. And so I, My response was to put a plunger up in the bathroom.

[A]

And I still haven't said anything aggressive and ineffective. This was not the move.

[B]

I mean, this woman should be traveling with a plunger.

[E]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

She should be going when she's on the walks with the dogs.

[A]

Absolutely. Walking it on a leash.

[B]

Yeah. Bring poo bags for her.

[A]

So your response to two times in a row plotting your your bathroom was to just put a plunger in there?

[E]

Yes, it was. Because I was not sure how to handle the situation because I, you know, I don't know if it's more uncomfortable to reach out and bring it up because, you know, I. It's hard for me to find a dog walker that my dog likes. And so I don't want to harm our relationship. And so I think that brings me to my question on do I address it or do I not address it?

[A]

Cause you like her as a dog walker.

[B]

When did it happen last?

[E]

Yes, I like it happened. So since there was those two times I put the plunger in there and then it. She didn't clog the toilet, but she left like a messy toilet again upstairs.

[B]

What do you mean a messy toilet?

[A]

You know, what a mess.

[E]

You know, like full of streaks. Full of streaks.

[B]

She's just coming over and shitting in your house. This regularly. Clogging it twice and then streaking it.

[A]

Oh, I would move. Okay. Listen, it's going to sound like I have a sponsor. It's going to sound like a sponsor. I don't. Okay, but have you heard of Rover?

[E]

Yeah, Rover. That's the service I was using.

[B]

This is. She's from Rover.

[A]

This woman works for Rover?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Yes, she does.

[A]

This is horrifying. Well, first of all, if you're working with someone who's from a larger company, it's like if you get a babysitter, right, From a babysitter agency, you can certainly say, hey, I need to interview a few more people. Right? I mean, let's just put that on the shelf as a possibility. Surely honey bun will like someone else. Sure, it might take a few, but you can find someone that can destroy your pipes.

[B]

But you've got a situation now where we like her. But I just even think, purely from a closure standpoint, you have to talk to her about this.

[E]

Right.

[A]

How would you do it?

[B]

Is that the question? We're going with Addison, you want to know what to do with this?

[A]

Make it work.

[E]

Yeah, like, if I'm going to. I want to make it work. How do I address it?

[B]

With her now, when you told her to use the downstairs bathroom, which, by the way, is crazy, she ignored that. Was that. Were you kind of saying, if you got a poop, go down there?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Yes. Yeah, that's what I was saying. And one other thing I should add is, you know, she had to open all my doors upstairs to find my upstairs bathroom. So it is possible that she could have been looking around. Around my house, but I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, that. Let's not touch that part of it, because she probably. By the way, if she's clogging the toilet, she probably wasn't snooping. She was just like, where's the bowl? And she probably was. She was probably wandering around, ass out.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Okay, Cat.

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

First reactions here. What. What are we thinking? Do you think it's salvageable?

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna go with everything. I'm gonna give my mildest opinion piece of advice to my strongest.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Mildest. Because I don't think a plunger is gonna do it. I think you could text her. Hey, just a reminder that if you need to use the washroom, the one downstairs is available to you. Put the plunger down there. Then she's not at least dumping. If you really wanna make it work with this lady, which I don't think you should, but if you really, really want to send her to the bottom, to the other toilet, because every time you Sit. First of all, it sounds like she's got a fucking worm or something. You don't need to be sharing a seat with her. It's unhygienic and nasty. Yeah. So I would text her saying, just a. Just a gentle reminder, or. Sorry, just a text. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

2. This sort of takes the passive aggressive to the next level, but you could put a piece of paper on your sealed toilet that says broken.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I like that a lot.

[A]

Right. She's not gonna fuck with that. Although she's so cuckoo. Maybe she's, like, perfect. All I'm looking for is a bowl that doesn't flush.

[B]

They won't notice.

[A]

And then my final, most. Well, my most extreme is to not work with her anymore. But my final one is you can have a locksmith put a lock on that door that you can, like, lock it while you're.

[D]

Also.

[B]

Great, great stuff there, Cat. I'm not gonna lie. I like the range. I mean, I. Okay, there's some wild stuff swimming around my head for sure.

[A]

Don't say swimming.

[B]

There's wild stuff. Not swimming, just sitting. Not going anywhere, no matter how much someone does.

[E]

I.

[B]

Part of me thinks that you should just. I just think, shoot a text. That's what part of me thinks, but I really do. Here's the.

[A]

What would you say in your text, Gareth? Because I feel like you'd be good at. What would you write?

[B]

It's tough, but here's what I'd write. I would wait for the next time that, you know, she used it.

[A]

You would wait a whole other round.

[B]

Look, she's using it regularly. I'm not talking about clog, but next time she's going streaking, talk.

[A]

Yikes.

[B]

So I would say to her, hey, Emily, I noticed that you used the upstairs bathroom again, and in our initial meeting, you mentioned clogging someone's toilet, and I said, maybe use the downstairs. I don't know if you know, but since then, the toilet has been clogged two separate times, and another time was left in a state that I would consider not that acceptable. I'm open to discussing a way to solve this, but I kind of would rather you not use my bathroom. There's a gas station down the street where you can use that one or something else if you feel like that's unfair. Like I said, I'm open to discussing, but it's a stressful situation to have plumbing issues when you come home from a long day. Honey bun loves you, so I really want to make this work. I'm sorry to have to text something like this. The last thing I want you to feel is embarrassed. I'm just being honest. Something like that.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, it's a crazy thing to write.

[A]

It's a crazy thing to write.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've never. Never thought I would have to write that, ever.

[A]

I think. I think you can accomplish all of that by just saying. Just a gentle reminder that there is a bathroom downstairs available to you.

[B]

I really like broken. I really like broken. Broken is a way to be like, get the fuck out of here. Do not use this. And you could even say broken used downstairs.

[E]

Yeah. I like the idea of sending a text message, but. Emily. Hey, just say no.

[B]

What if she clogs the downstairs? I mean, clear. This is not a right. It's not like the downstairs is meant for construction sites. It's still another toilet with the same pressure in the same house.

[A]

Totally.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So what are you gonna do if she clogs that? That's not an acceptable solution. Right?

[A]

What? A purse.

[B]

Yeah. We are talking about someone who needs this. She's a three flusher walking around like one flush fill. Acting fine.

[A]

Unbelievable. Maybe she's got. Okay, so look, let's just do our due diligence here. Some people have got real problems, right? I mean, there's like, ibs. There's stuff. People who can't leave the house. Right. There's like, I had a nanny once. I had a nanny once who had. I want to say Crohn's, but I might be. I might be messing about here with the wrong one. But there was. There's people who've got real tummy troubles, and it's legitimate. And it's not like, oh, she had too many beans. Like, she's got a real situation.

[B]

Can I be gross and make a point as to why? I don't think it's something like that.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

This is a terrible. I don't mean to be rude. I don't think this is. We're dealing with solids. Clogging is solid. She's making. These are. This is a solid problem. This is not a liquid situation. Because that would go down.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I think she's. I think she's a heavy. I think she's got. She's a heavy mover. She's a big push.

[A]

Enough.

[B]

Now she's weighing in.

[A]

Stop it. You did it. You already did it. You don't have to do it.

[B]

They're Browntown. She's not running for reelection. She's unopposed.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

She's going to win in a Landslide. Or should I say mudslide? Go ahead, Kat.

[A]

I'm going to vomit.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Have any of these pieces of advice been helpful? What are you going to do?

[E]

I think probably my first course reaction is I think I'm going to send a text message saying, my upstairs bathroom is broken. Can you please use the downstairs bathroom from now on? And if it happens again, I will probably send a more direct text message.

[B]

Let's write. Are you comfortable sending that text now?

[E]

No, not right now.

[B]

Are you comfortable letting us in? Your notes app give you a draft of that text?

[E]

Sure.

[B]

Okay, let's try to write this because I think we got to get this right.

[A]

Dear mayor of Browntown.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

The honorable mayor of browntown who wanted a mudslide.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your holiness.

[A]

Hey, Emily. Comma.

[B]

What's your. I told you not to go upstairs. Why are you clogging?

[A]

Couldn't have been clearly. Emily, just a heads up that because we're doing the first text. Are we doing the first text or the second text?

[B]

I think let's do. Well, go with this. Yeah, go with this. And let's see. And then we'll refine it if we to need.

[A]

Okay. First text is. Hey, Emily. Just a heads up that the upstairs toilet is broken. Please use the downstairs toilet. Thank you. Okay. Just keep it clean. Something she doesn't know a lot about, honestly.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Second text. Second text.

[B]

Emily. Emily. Whoa, mama. You good?

[A]

What you have for lunch, girl? Fuck.

[B]

Emily. I sifted around those papers looking for a baby. Emily.

[A]

Carrot. Leave the chat.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Emily, I'm sorry to do this, but I. But I think we have a problem on our hands. I should start by saying that honeypot adores you and I hate to rock the boat.

[D]

However,

[A]

after being pretty clear that I didn't want that, I. After being pretty clear that the downstairs toilet was the one I let guests use, I have Gareth takeover.

[B]

I'm gonna start you. I'm gonna start you here. Okay. Addison, you ready?

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Hey, Emily.

[E]

Yeah, I'm ready.

[B]

I didn't want to have to text this, but I kind of don't know what else to do. When we first met, you mentioned clogging a toilet in passing. I thought nothing of it,

[D]

but while

[B]

we've been working together, you clogged the upstairs toilet two times in parentheses after I asked you to use the downstairs if you had to go, and parentheses. And another time it was left in. Not the cleanest of leave behinds. I really love having you walk, honey bun. And honey bun totally loves you. And you're the best. But I kind of don't know what to do because I'm left a little stressed out about what the toilet is going to look like when I come home. I don't want to tell you to not use the toilet, but I would rather maybe you don't. Or if you have to, in a real emergency, use the downstairs one.

[A]

I can't believe I let you take over. This is so long winded and crazy.

[B]

I'll tell you who's long winded.

[A]

Oh, brother. I think you just have to say Emily, I thought you and me going back and forth, just redrafting this.

[B]

No, it's okay. We'll find it. Go ahead.

[A]

We'll find it. We'll find it. Emily is Addison. Listen, I wanted to make sure she knows it's you.

[B]

Yeah, good.

[A]

Most people.

[B]

I just got the numbers saved, I think. Don't worry about that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we could keep that part.

[B]

Don't any worry about that.

[A]

Let's get that part together. Okay? I just want to make sure. Listen, I have now come home twice to a bathroom that's clearly been used. And not just used. Left damaged.

[B]

Yeah. Problematic.

[A]

Problematic. I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry to have to text you this, but please do not use the upstairs bathroom anymore. Please use the downstairs bathroom in emergencies only. I've left a bucket directly outside the front door with paper towels. Double ply paper towels. That is for you.

[B]

Or scoot along the lawn like a dog with worms.

[A]

Surely you have bags on you. It's part of your profession. You put one up to the hole, you hose it, fill. All right, you move on.

[B]

But wait. What Kat said I think is pretty good. The first. Did you get the first part of that, Addison?

[E]

Yes, I got it written down.

[B]

Okay. What do you. Let's go. The first text you're going to send. The softer one, what's that going to be?

[E]

The first text I'm going to send about the closed bathroom. Yeah, I'm going to say. Hi, Emily. I just wanted to let you know my upstairs bathroom is currently not working. If you need to use the restroom, please use the downstairs bathroom.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You feel okay with that as the first round? You are asking for a clogged downstairs toilet, but that's fine.

[A]

100.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And let's bring the wings.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And maybe one of those cleaners.

[E]

Maybe.

[B]

Yep.

[E]

Yep. Exactly.

[B]

Okay. Text two. When she clogs the downstairs. Inevitably.

[A]

My God.

[B]

What do we say?

[A]

This oyster shucker.

[E]

Oh, I'm gonna say, hey, Emily, I'M sorry to have to bring this up. I've come home two times. Two bathrooms. Or I've come home twice to bathrooms left in disarray. In the future, could you use my downstairs bathroom? Only in emergencies. Honey bun and I really appreciate all of your hard work, so we'd love to find a solution that works for both of us.

[A]

You got this.

[B]

Also, we're gonna let you go, but are you familiar with the term poop knife, cat?

[A]

Nope.

[E]

No, I'm not.

[B]

Back in the day, they used to leave a knife next to the toilet, and you would slice it up so that it would go down easier.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

It'd be a little knife that you would. I'm not kidding.

[A]

You would like hibachi style.

[B]

Yes. To be quite horribly gross. Yeah. You would have a. It was a poop knife.

[A]

So in the event that your poop was too solid.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

The knife was there for hibachi getting it down. Yeah. Hibachi. Hibachi.

[B]

Hibachi.

[A]

Do you want to use a knife, Addison? Is that something that interests you? You want to leave a poop knife? You want to have that kind of house?

[E]

You know, if it keeps going on, I might have to add that in there.

[B]

I think at that point, you're getting a new sitter. You're getting a new one.

[A]

Yeah, I think we're past this.

[B]

Okay, so send the first one. Here's what we require. Are screenshots of all of this.

[A]

That's correct.

[B]

Okay, we want.

[A]

Not a screenshot of the bathroom.

[B]

We want to screen. You know, Honestly.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

No, I do. No, next time, it happens before, have it. Cat can cover her eyes. But before. Next time, before you start cleaning it, because it's gonna happen. Have it just a shot. I want to know what kind of monster we're dealing with. All right, so do that. Send text one, when she clogs it. Take a picture. Send text two screenshots, calling for the follow up. I'm gonna be honest. I think this ends in a new dog walker.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's do our process.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

I'm on board.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Good luck. Good luck.

[B]

Take such huge poops. Take care.

[E]

Bye.

[B]

Bye, now.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Thank you, guys. Bye.

[A]

Bye.

[C]

Just want to mention that all new episodes are released a day early on Hulu.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

We are also having. Our back catalog is going to be on hulu. We're about 20 at a time. So if you have not checked us out on Hulu, then check us out on Hulu. Gareth, Jesse, Are we Saying any lies?

[B]

No. And you can get season one, season two. We're gonna have a nice melange on Hulu. But the day early, I mean, there's a lot of advantages.

[C]

Here's another thing. People going, well, I don't have hulu. You got YouTube because we're there too.

[B]

Yeah, Hulu a day early. YouTube for stragglers.

[C]

And also you go, I don't have that. We got Patreon.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

They go, I don't have that.

[B]

What do you want? Yeah, okay, Jake, we're. We're trying to be inclusive, and you're yelling at them, but I think you're right. It's just.

[C]

Look, watch this show anywhere.

[B]

There's a lot of options.

[C]

Okay? Lose early Hulu's early audio. Day of YouTube, day of Patreon.

[B]

No ads. Here's the way to remember it. Hulu knew.

[C]

So Nulu, it's not the way to remember. They also have back catalog stuff.

[B]

Okay, then. That we call. Yeah. All right. It's falling apart.

[C]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[B]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Falls. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[A]

That was a Hitgum podcast. Hey, everyone, this is Whitney and Alexaan,

[E]

AKA the popcorn queen and king.

[A]

Hey, guys.

[B]

We just wanted to thank you so much for all the love and support you've shown our family.

[A]

As many of you know from episodes

[E]

224 and 231, we're navigating Alexa's second kidney transplant journey.

[B]

And that journey has really inspired us to create the Arana Kidney Recovery Foundation. That's right.

[E]

The foundation helps transplant families with everyday

[A]

expenses during recovery so they could focus on what's most important.

[E]

Healing.

[B]

Now, whether it's lodging, transportation, groceries, or other essential expenses, we're here to help lighten the load.

[A]

If you'd like to support our mission, you can learn more or donate@aran krf.org that's aranakrf.org thank you so much for

[E]

being such an incredible community and thank

[B]

you for always being there to help.

[A]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[B]

Sterling K. Brown.

[A]

And I'm Chris Sullivan.

[B]

And we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum. Each episode we're going to go into

[A]

a deep dive from our show.

[B]

This is Us.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes

[A]

with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[B]

Are we going to cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we going to laugh a lot?

[A]

A whole lot.

[B]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.