WEIRD Here To Help: Eyeball-phobia & The Jammin' Man (with Johnny Pemberton)

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help – WEIRD Here To Help: Eyeball-phobia & The Jammin' Man (with Johnny Pemberton)

Date: May 22, 2026
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Johnny Pemberton

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Episode Overview

Jake and Gareth welcome comedic actor and noted advice-giver Johnny Pemberton for a lively “Weird Here to Help” edition, focusing on callers with offbeat or tricky problems. This episode features a candid, humorous exploration of two main listener questions—one about an extreme eyeball phobia and another celebrating a legendary beach “jammer” in Mexico. Expect irreverent jokes, tangents into music and medical advice, and a blend of heartfelt and hilarious solutions.

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Key Topics and Discussion Points

1. Welcoming Johnny Pemberton & Music Chat

[00:26–07:37]

• Johnny’s Introduction: Jake hypes Johnny as an actor, stand-up, and lover of obscure, quality music: “You have the most glorious random, obscure taste in the good shit... you say you’re a reggae fan; this ain’t Bob Marley Legend.” – Jake [02:02]
• Johnny’s Music Taste:
  • Loves Jamaican music from pre-reggae era (late ‘60s).
  • College radio DJ days: indie rock, bands like Quasi, Tortoise, Super Chunk, and others, often listening while “doing GHB with my girlfriend” [04:17].
  • R&B and jazz also high on his list.
• Inside Joke: Johnny nicknamed Eric “the Reaper” for his obsession with seeing elderly artists perform live—“...Eric’s going to live a long time because he’s just sucking the souls out of people.” – Johnny [05:18]
• Career Shoutout: Brief plugs for Johnny’s acting roles, especially his nuanced character in the TV show Fallout.

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2. Caller One: Liz, Eyeball Phobia

[07:42–27:46]

Problem Presentation:

• Liz from Milwaukee asks for help with her “extreme phobia of eyes,” which originated when a friend flipped her eyelids inside out in middle school. It hinders her daily life, most notably at eye doctor appointments.
• Liz: “I can't get over the eye phobia. I need to go see the eye doctor. I'm just not sure how to get through this kind of thing.” [09:40]
• Physical manifestation: Her knee pops and hurts when her eye phobia is triggered.

Discussion and Advice:

• Diagnosis: Amatophobia—an intense fear of eyes, often rooted in childhood trauma. Shared by Eric, who tells a vivid story of a friend’s glass eye falling out. [13:09]
• Exposure Therapy:
  • Steve: “Maybe you need to desensitize yourself to eyeball stuff... put a timer on, stare at it for 10 seconds...” [16:04]
  • Liz tried exposure in the mirror and fears physical reactions may worsen.
• Alternative Approach:
  • Johnny: “I think you should take some psychedelics… a low amount of psilocybin and go to Mexico and... start painting eyes on stuff.” [17:28]
  • Steve: Agrees—"psychedelics are all the rage right now... for just a good old-fashioned good time." [17:55]
• Immediate Solution:
  • Eric: “I would take a Xanax or something just to get through it.” [19:12]
  • Johnny: “Same thing.” [19:32]
  • Steve: Recommends having someone else drive her if using Xanax for the appointment.
• Cautionary Medical Tales:
  • Johnny’s strong anti-colonic PSA: “Nobody should ever get a colonic. Ever, ever, ever get a colonic…” [21:02]
• Long-Term Outlook:
  • Johnny normalizes Liz's phobia as a manageable quirk, not a flaw: "You're just like a cool weirdo, that's all." [25:39]
  • Steve emphasizes: “Own it, make it your own... But also, like, take some steps to get to that eye doctor.” [26:06]
• Action Plan:
  • Short-term: Medicinal aid for appointments
  • Long-term: Exposure therapy involving friends/family
  • Embrace uniqueness and don't be ashamed

Memorable Quotes:

• “You control it, you say, okay under your eyes. I'm not comfortable. My knee hurts.” – Eric [26:26]
• “It's just who you are... You're just like a cool weirdo.” – Johnny [25:39]

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3. Caller Two: Carly, The Jammin’ Man (Frank)

[31:34–50:18]

Problem Presentation:

• Carly from Bismarck, ND is calling from a beach campground in Mexico, where she and her husband want to celebrate “Frank,” a 65-year-old legendary, divorced, bongo-and-harmonica-playing camper.
• Frank is “the godfather of our campground,” always up for a music jam, and “priceless” to Carly and company. [36:43]

Discussion and Advice:

• Ways to Celebrate Frank:
  • Cash Gifts: “Cash is always the best... People love cash… maybe a little red envelope…” – Johnny [38:36]
  • Throw a Frank-Themed Goodbye Party: Eric suggests celebrating Frank's freedom and legendary status.
  • Gift Ideas:
    • Musical instruments (kazoo, finger piano/kalinga, tambourine, hand drums).
    • A Bob Dylan–style harmonica holder so Frank can “triple-wield” [39:11].
    • “A painting of some sort... Something handmade is always appreciated...” – Johnny [44:19]
    • A bottle of good tequila or local beer and some “teacher plant” (weed).
• Frank’s Lifestyle:
  • “He’s a type of unbridled freedom from a man that’s been married for 40 years and finally… is doing whatever he wants.” – Johnny [37:37]
  • Potential warning: “There is a 100 percent chance that Frank will one day come to North Dakota and stay with you for an undetermined amount of time…” – Eric [42:23]
• Carly's Final Party Idea:
  • Have everyone create a hand/body-paint mural as a party activity/artistic gift for Frank.
    • “What if we had a huge party... with a canvas we all paint with our hands and our bodies?” – Carly [49:06]
    • The hosts and Johnny love this idea and immediately want to steal it.
• Celebration of “Jammin’” Spirit:
  • Party plans include group jams, painting, and making memories: “Let us take Frank’s spirit with us today... Channel your inner Frank.” – Eric [48:33]
• Frank’s Catchphrase:
  • “I love to jam.” – Carly [48:31]
• Self-Reflection:
  • Realization that maybe Frank needs nothing: “What are we doing with our lives, guys? We need to be down there.” – Eric [48:12]
  • “You’re helping us, you’re helping Frank, you’re helping yourself. Look at you. You're a gem of a human being.” – Johnny [49:38]

Memorable Quotes & Moments:

• “Frank doesn’t need anything. I just realized it.” – Johnny [47:44]
• “My husband will stick his dick in first... Don't leave Frank hanging, so to speak.” – Carly [50:08]
• “Find a way to bring jammin’ into your life. Try to channel your inner Frank…” – Eric [48:33]

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4. Johnny Pemberton’s Projects & Closing Thoughts

[50:22–51:25]

• Johnny plugs his upcoming one-man show (“Minnesota Reggae Colostomy”) and the film “Mermaid,” out May 26th on VOD: “It is the kind of glorious movie we need more of.” – Eric [51:08]
• Johnny’s parting advice: “Stop getting colonics if you are getting them.” [51:25]

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• Johnny on Eric’s “Reaper” nickname:
  “Eric just can't get enough... he has this weird, sort of vampiric relationship with old people.” [05:18]
• Jake on exposure therapy for Liz:
  “...I think you need some good old fashioned exposure therapy... go in there almost as like an unpaid intern and start getting busy with eyes.” [15:18]
• Johnny normalizing quirks:
  “We focus too much on trying to normify people, when really it's like, that's just your thing... just a cool weirdo, that's all.” [25:39]
• On Frank's lifestyle:
  “He’s a type of unbridled freedom from a man that’s been married for like 40 years and finally got divorced... I'm doing whatever I want.” [37:37]
• On group art as a gift:
  “Anytime someone makes something for someone, it's always just... appreciated.” [44:19]

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Important Timestamps

• 00:26 – Introduction to Johnny Pemberton
• 02:33 – Johnny’s music influences
• 05:18 – “The Reaper” nickname story
• 07:42 – Caller 1 (Liz): Eyeball phobia question
• 09:14 – Phobia origins and impact
• 13:09 – Definition: Amatophobia
• 17:28 – “Take some psychedelics...” advice
• 19:12 – Xanax suggestion for eye appointment
• 21:02 – PSA: “Never get a colonic.”
• 25:39 – Embracing personal quirks
• 31:34 – Caller 2 (Carly): Celebrating Frank the Jammin’ Man
• 36:43 – Frank’s background
• 38:36 – Cash (“red envelope”) suggestion
• 39:11 – Musical instrument gift ideas
• 44:19 – Suggestion for group painting/art as a gift
• 48:33 – “Bring jammin’ into your life...” speech
• 49:06 – Carly’s canvas painting idea
• 50:22 – Show wrap-up and plugs

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Tone & Style

• Warm, irreverent, supportive, and packed with tangents and laughter.
• Hosts and guest often riff on each other, blending serious advice with playful banter.
• Encourages listeners to embrace quirks and “find their inner Frank.”

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Summary Takeaways

• For Unique Problems, Unique Solutions: Exposure therapy, medicinal aids, and embracing quirks were offered with humor, realism, and empathy.
• Community Spirit: Both callers’ stories spotlight the value of community—the quirky, supportive kind found camping on beaches or at an advice podcast hotline.
• Celebrate the Weird: Whether you’re afraid of eyeballs or a legendary campground jammer, the message is: turn your quirks into strengths, celebrate the people around you, and don’t be afraid to “jam.”

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If you haven’t listened, this episode delivers heartfelt help, a sense of belonging for oddballs, and many, many laughs—all while making you consider quitting your current life for a Mexican beach jam with Frank!

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[B]

We're here to help. We're here to help.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, we are back and this is probably the most incredible special episode ever. We don't have a ton of guests here. Steve has had one guest. I've not had a single guest yet. And the big reason why is I wanted a truly great guest that's not only hilarious, but incredible person. And he's here. I am so fired up to have one of the greatest actors on the planet. One of the funniest standups on the planet. One hell of a guy. And the guy, he and Steve Berg are kind of my North Star for getting me into new music. Ladies and gentlemen, we are so lucky to have the guest helper today, Mr. Johnny Pemberton. Johnny, it's great to have you and I think you're built for the show. Cause you're a guy in life that is not afraid to help. You have great advice for people. And these people calling in, boy, do they need it.

[B]

Friend, I think I need the help, but I'm going to get the help by helping.

[A]

That's why we're here. That's basically why we do it in a tiny stipend. Really?

[B]

Yeah, a stipend. The word stipend is underused, isn't it?

[C]

It is.

[A]

So Johnny, when we bring people in, we ask them to give their favorite all time, you're on a desert island, a book, a movie, premium TV show and music. I would love for you to do that. But give us some music because everybody should see it's being edited. Coming out soon, Johnny has an amazing one man show called. It's called Minnesota Reggae Colostomy back. Did I get that right or did I get the word wrong?

[B]

That's what it's called until they make me change it for some reason. But I don't think they will.

[A]

But this thing was. I'm just gonna say it. I told you this, Steve. It was the best one person show I've ever seen. And a huge reason why is the redemptive power of music that comes kicking in at the end because you were going through a whole lot and music kind of lifted you and boosted you. Will you talk a little bit about the kind of music you love? Because you have the most glorious random, obscure taste in the good shit. I mean you say you're a reggae fan, this ain't Bob Marley legend.

[B]

Yeah, I like a lot of of Jamaican music, I would say, because I mean you can call it reggae, but some stuff is. Before that was a word so, like, late 60s, I think reggae gay started to be a word in maybe 1969, 1971, something like that. I forget. Exactly. But, you know, that's what we do these for, so people can correct you who have infinite time and resources to correct someone who's just speaking extemporaneously. God forbid I say the wrong year for something.

[A]

Oh, they'll write in.

[B]

Excuse me. Excuse me. Actually, that was 1950.

[C]

I believe that was a re. Released in October, actually.

[B]

I welcome those corrections. I really do, because someone's got to do it. Yeah, I like a lot of Jamaican music. I mean, that's the only thing I like. But that's been pretty much my heaviest obsession the past, I don't know, 20 years, I guess you could say. Yeah.

[A]

And then what else are you into? Because you and Steve have some. What was the band that you guys bonded on when you were talking?

[C]

Yeah, Quathi.

[B]

I used to DJ this radio station at Florida State called WVFS Tallahassee. That was the college radio station that was like an indie rock focus station. So I learned a lot about indie rock back then. I love a lot of that stuff. I also like a lot of R B and jazz.

[C]

Who are some of your favorite indie rock bands from when you were DJing? Just curious. God.

[B]

Favorite indie rock bands. I mean, this is so hard to remember because I got into. You know, I really like Mark Robinson, and he was in a band called Flynn Flan and a band called Team. He has a record label called Team B. Everything they put out is great. I love Mark Robinson. I also like. I really like Quasi a lot. I do like.

[C]

Me, too.

[B]

The band Tortoise and all those offshoots. Everything on that. That sort of thing. I really got into Super Chunk. I got into.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

God. I'm trying to think here. It's just. This is really a blast backwards for me because it's like, some of the stuff I just don't really listen to anymore. Not because they don't like it, just because it's like, you know, an era of my life that I listen to a significant amount of it while doing GHB with my girlfriend. But yeah, yeah, perfect.

[C]

Perfect.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Everybody listening to GHB go hand in hand.

[B]

Yeah. Also McDonald's, french fries, and the mall.

[A]

There you go. That's all you need.

[C]

Well, most lo fi music listeners are just doing GHB at the mall. I mean, that's like, a very common thing.

[B]

Yeah, I could go into it, but I probably shouldn't.

[A]

That's fair. That's fair. Now, Johnny, you and I also, we really hit it off in Tulsa together. We. Of course.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

Berta and Blackie. But you came up with a nickname for me that the guys in the podcast, Jake and Gareth, really love. For the amount of older artists that I see, and I think you were originally shocked that I actually see these older artists. Can you please tell them the nickname you gave me?

[B]

Is it the Reaper?

[A]

Yep. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, the Reaper. Because Eric's obsessed, as you know, with anyone who's in the deep into aarp. Eric just can't get enough of it. He has, like, this weird sort of, like, vampiric relationship with old people. And they. They love it, too, because they don't get people asking them questions they haven't been asked in 57 years. But it's also this thing. Like, I think Eric's going to live a long time because he's just sucking the souls out of people. Like, tell me more about the last time you saw Janis Joplin reaching into

[C]

their pockets and taking all their Werther's originals.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right? Just. His obsession is. I just love it so much. It's just. It's so funny to me. Like, I kind of can't. I don't think I would have. I would have died a long time ago if I spent that much time around those type of elderly people. I would have died of, like, sheer, absolute boredom. I would have just, like, turned it. Just take my life, please. I can't handle any, like, the 10,000th question about Bob Dylan.

[A]

Oh, I want to know it all, man.

[B]

I don't know how you do it, man.

[A]

Remember that part in Training Automobiles? Oh, yeah. The people that say, we create our own world. How is it that I'm now on a show with a bunch of senior citizens called the boroughs? Coming out May 21. It's nothing but vital senior citizens.

[C]

You're creating your own reality.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I need to do that, man. I gotta create my own. I'm trying to think what I need to do. I'll create something. I gotta create something like that.

[A]

You already are, though. And everyone should watch Fallout, and Fallout was.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[C]

You're great on that.

[A]

I probably wouldn't have seen it were it not for Johnny being on there. And my buddy Dallas Goldtooth. I love it. It's so great.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

It's such a cool, stylized show. An episode gets done, you just want to keep doing it. And your guy Thaddeus, you find that gray area so damn well in that show because on paper, he might be a little, you know, more of a dick, but you really make him look kind of lovable while he's even doing awful things.

[B]

Well, I'm, you know, it's a very complicated show, and I just am doing. I'm just doing my best.

[A]

That's all you can do, babe. That's all you can do.

[B]

My best.

[A]

All right, Johnny, are you ready for our first caller? You look really here to help today.

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

Hello, caller, you are live with Steve Berg, special guest helper, Johnny Pemberton, and me, Eric, where are you calling from today? And what name would you like to use while you're on air?

[D]

Oh, thanks. I'm Liz, and I'm calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

Ooh, love Wisconsin.

[D]

So excited to be with you guys.

[A]

Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. Well, Liz, and you're very lucky because we have a rare guest helper today in Johnny Pemberton. But, Liz, to start us off and to get a little bit of a sense for you, please let us know you're on a desert island. You can only bring one album, one book, and one DVD of a movie slash premium television show. What's it going to be, Liz?

[D]

It's going to be Barton Hollow by Civil War's album. And then I'm going to go with Anything by Kristin Hannah for a book. And then for a show, it's going to be Parks and Rec for sure.

[C]

Okay, perfect.

[A]

We love it. And we love my work on there, too. You know, I was a vital part of season one.

[C]

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

[A]

You know, Steve, you're just gonna have to deal with it. And then they were able to get a lot more famous people. So I didn't come back so much because, you know, you got Robbie Lowe, you got Adam Scott, but, you know, I. I planted my flag there, Damon. So, Liz, what can Steve Berg, Johnny Pemberton deny help you with today?

[D]

So I don't. I don't feel like this is super weird, but maybe you guys will think it's weird, but we'll make it weird.

[C]

Don't worry.

[D]

Okay, perfect. I have an extreme phobia of eyes, and this dates back to middle school.

[C]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[A]

Steve Helper, what's an eye?

[C]

First off, explain what an eye. First up, Johnny doesn't know any of the human anatomy, so please. Well, I just might explain that.

[B]

Seems like one of those things where you can't. That's gonna be a problem.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And God bless you, friend. That is weird.

[D]

Eyeballs.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Yes. Yes. So it interferes with daily life.

[C]

The windows into one soul.

[D]

Yeah. So kind of. The specific part of it, though, is back in middle school, and I'm 43 years old now, so this is been a lifetime for me here. Middle school, Sitting at the cafeteria table, a friend of mine flips her eyelids inside out while we're eating lunch. And that's really what triggered this whole thing. I screamed, of course, I got in trouble. I was a very well behaved middle school student, so this was kind of a little surprising that I got in trouble for screaming because it was traumatic. But ever since then, I just. I can't get over the eye phobia. I need to go see the eye doctor. I'm just not sure how to get through this kind of thing.

[C]

Wow. Okay. Eyephobia. Now, is there an actual name for this kind of phobia? I'm curious.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you called it?

[D]

Probably is, but I've never looked it up before. I haven't checked. My friends just tend to harass me.

[B]

I have some questions.

[A]

Johnny, go.

[B]

So when you say eye phobia, you're scared of, what does that mean? You're not scared of eyes?

[C]

No.

[D]

What really freaks me out is if somebody's gonna mess with their eye.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Like, if you're going up to touch your face in some way or anywhere near your eye, I can't look at it. You're pulling, you know, the skin around your eye around, like. No, not gonna happen. Contacts? No. But a part of it is when I go to the eye doctor, they're just really up in your business within your eye. And then I've had just some traumatic eye doctor visits. So I need to get my eyes examined, but I don't want anybody touching my eye. I don't want to know anything about my eye. I have pretty decent vision. Just, like, get it done and move on, but don't actually touch my eye to examine it.

[B]

Do you need lenses? Do you need corrective lenses?

[D]

I do.

[B]

You do.

[D]

Just ever so slightly.

[B]

What kind? Nearsighted or farsighted?

[D]

I am nearsighted.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And, you know, I'm getting older. Driving at night, I can't see in the dark like I used to.

[B]

Yeah, that's normal.

[C]

Yeah, that's a problem.

[D]

Yeah. The last time I went to the eye doctor, I told them, you know, don't tell me what you're doing. Just do it. And then I'll, you know, I'll React afterwards. But eventually the doctor had to pin my head back in the chair in order to finish the examination.

[C]

Cause this is like. You ever seen Clockwork Orange? Oh no. Actually you probably shouldn't see that. Don't watch it or watch or.

[B]

Or just forget you heard that.

[C]

I'm going with this. Maybe like what they were doing to Alex, the protagonist in that wonderful film. They were desensitizing him to violence. But maybe you need to desensitize yourself to eyeball stuff.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. That also makes my knee hurt. Like I have a physical reaction when your knee. Yes. So then I have to pop my knee. So I' I'm even popping it right now here because.

[B]

Okay, so it's manifested the microphone. Can we hear it?

[A]

Yeah, if we can hear that knee pop.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

We would love to get clean audio of that.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

A hole for pop for pop. Hole for hole for knee Pop toe.

[A]

I'm having. Had.

[D]

Oh yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's a good. I think I heard that.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

Wow. That was legit.

[A]

Knowledge is power. And what you have, Liz, is a real thing. It's called amatophobia. And that is the irrational intense fear of eyes, including looking into them, being looked at. Johnny just popped his knee. Or pictures of me. And so you know, the cause is. It's all the fear is often rooted in ding, ding, ding. Previous eye related trauma or a fear of bodily harm. And it can also stem from a fear of seeing an eye injury or a psychological fear of being looked at into. And I think this started that day in junior high. But there might be a little more into it now. I'm going to say one of the most vivid memories I have in my life. I had a friend named Robbie. He had a glass eye. And one day his glass eye fell out on the school bus and I. And it was going uphill. And I can still hear the sound of that glass eye rolling back during going up a hill in Vancouver, Washington. I'll never forget it in. Poor Robbie covering his eye, running back to look for it. But it was harder to find because he only had the one eye in.

[B]

But also you can't just put that dirty eye back in.

[A]

You can't put it back in. I think he really wanted to, but that poor guy. I hope.

[B]

Beer.

[A]

Yeah, right. Yeah. Or vodka. You might get a buzz off that normal people THC powder. But that. That is. I can still hear and feel that sound, Liz. So I know where you're at. And I think it might have been luckier had it been Robbie's Glass eye for you because what you saw was a real eye. But do you have any other of the eye stuff associated with this disorder, which is like a fear of being stared at or other people's eyes or it's a psychological fear of being looked into? Do you think you have that?

[D]

I mean. No, I don't think so. I think it's really just. To me it seems like it's just the actual eyeball. Don't mess with it. Don't touch mine. I don't want to know about the anatomy of it. It's just gross.

[A]

But this is encroaching on your life a little bit. So I would say. And you're not going to love hearing this. I think, friend, you need some good old fashioned exposure therapy. I think you need to talk to your optometrist and see if you can go in there almost as like an unpaid intern and start getting busy with eyes. And it will really, really suck at first. It will not be fun. But gradually, the more you're exposed to it, the less trauma you're gonna have and you're gonna conquer this thing. Is that too, is that too crazy, Steven? Johnny?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, no, I mean, Eric. I think a good case example of this is the wonderful movie slash documentary Remo Williams from the 1980s starring the great Fred Ward. Now he was a cop who, you know, his sensei had to turn him into a super soldier, but he was scared of heights, he was overweight, and it was all exposure therapy to get him to become a super soldier. So Liz, I think there's a way to make you into a super soldier. Not that you were intending to be one, however. Look, we need all the help we can get right now. And I think exposing you, I feel like it's gonna be tough. There might be some kind of HIPAA oath thing with a doctor letting in some rand to look at people's eyes, but maybe not. Maybe we can get around that. But you could just have like a buddy come over, flip their eyelids out and then you just have to like put a timer on, stare at it for 10 seconds, then like wait it wait like 10 minutes, take a little break, have like some cookies and maybe milk, then do 15 minutes and then just keep on increasing from there. Exposure therapy. Pretty soon you'll be loving eyeballs, Loving those peepers.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I've tried this in the mirror. You know, just to my like, you know, looking in the mirror myself, knowing I'm not gonna touch anything, I'm not gonna take it too far, just kind of moving the skin around.

[B]

Ooh, I don't even do that. Moving the skin.

[D]

Yeah. I haven't allowed anybody else to do that, so I can't say I've tried it. My knee is still hurting me right now. I'm also wondering what other physical response I'm gonna have if I, if I start the exposure therapy.

[B]

I think you should take some psychedelics. I think you should take a low amount of psilocybin and go to Mexico and a fun place and just like start painting eyes on stuff. And that's going to just pop you through the veil and you're going to be something like that. I feel like that's the answer to answer.

[C]

It's interesting you said that, Johnny, because I was just about ready to say the same thing. Like, exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So there's gotta be something to it. Obviously, you know, psychedelics are all the rage right now for all kinds of different therapies and for just a good old fashioned good time. But I mean, and if, I don't know if you've ever been to Mexico. I'm not sure what your finances were like, but I think they have pretty good deals in the Cabo right now since there's a bunch of violence there.

[B]

You can also go to Alaska.

[A]

Yeah, there's no violence in Cabo. No violence down there. I've been told by the Cabo tourism board. We go there regularly. There's no violence in Cabo, but trips are cheaper. And I think the idea of you going to the Sea of Cortez is just a wee bit of, of a fungus. The staring into people's eyes on the beach is incredibly exciting for all of us.

[C]

Mm, mm.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that, that, that's obviously like in a dream world. I think that is like that. That's a sure fire way to absolutely turn this around.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Is that feasible though? I mean, like, are you, I mean, do you feel like you want something a little easier?

[D]

I mean, if I could convince my husband that this is for a therapeutic reason, maybe. I think the other most immediate thing is just getting through an eye doctor appointment. You know, long term, I would love to not be afraid of eyes, but how can I just, you know, I just need new glasses. How do I get. Just through that appointment?

[A]

Just through that appointment. This is horrible advice, but I would take a Xanax or something just to get through it.

[B]

Life sucks sometimes. Things suck.

[D]

Yeah, I hadn't even thought of that.

[A]

Take his, take a Xanax and turn it into a party, right, Johnny? What drug would you Take to get through an eye doctor appointment.

[B]

I mean, if I had that problem, Same thing.

[A]

Xanax, right?

[B]

I don't know. Yeah.

[C]

Or I one time smoked. I got one time smoked a lot of weed before I went to the dentist. And let me tell you, that was a terrible.

[B]

No, really, that was a bad idea.

[A]

Not good.

[B]

Super high at the dentist. It was a bad idea. Hold on a second. Wait a minute.

[F]

Stop.

[B]

Is this an advice podcast or is this like a. What is it right now? Is this the.

[C]

They had to hose my mouth down into. Jesus, you're really absorbing that water in your gums, man. It's like the fucking Sahara in there.

[B]

That's hilarious.

[A]

I'll tell you something I've done friends. I don't know if I've told you this, Stephen. I do nitrous oxide for cleanings now there's a guy in Larchmod. He will give me nitrous for cleanings. And it changed everything for me because. Because I want to do drugs because.

[C]

Is he in a van as well?

[A]

It's an extra 50 bucks and I get nitrous oxygen.

[C]

First off, Johnny, I don't.

[F]

I don't.

[C]

Johnny. Just warning. I'm going to little timeout. Be careful who you listen to when it comes to medical advice from Eric. Eric also gets a colonics from some random person. No, you don't.

[B]

I thought you stopped doing that.

[C]

Yep. Dude. And. And because they're not licensed, they make Eric shove the hose up his ass himself.

[B]

I use Joe fighting.

[A]

I got a deal. No, I was gonna talk to you about it because we both have stomach stuff, but I got cleared.

[B]

That's not stomach. You can't. Colonics. Whatever. I can't even.

[A]

No. Let loose. Let it out, buddy. This is a safe place.

[B]

Nobody should ever get a colonic. Ever, ever, ever get a colonic. There's no reason to ever do it. It's extremely dangerous. It is not medicine. There is no reason to do it whatsoever. That's like saying, oh, I'm gonna go have someone drain the blood out of my heart.

[C]

Eric, don't do that. Eric's like, I'm interested, buddy.

[A]

I'm in.

[B]

Just go on. Just fast for 24 hours and you're good. That's all I gotta do.

[A]

All right, I like that. I like that.

[B]

You should. It's dangerous. If they perforate your colon, you'll fucking die right there. You'll die right there. When some cathouse. You know what I mean? Some like.

[A]

I don't want to die in A Valley cat house.

[B]

You don't.

[C]

I thought, you know, I can't believe

[B]

you actually do this if you know me.

[C]

But sometimes, Eric, you behave like you do want to with these risks you take.

[B]

You seriously are getting colonics on the reg.

[A]

My doctor recommended it because my stomach. Yeah, my. My doctor. But then I found this place. It was not recommended by my doctor. And they did have a deal.

[C]

Of course.

[B]

What kind of. Was this a real doctor?

[A]

Yeah, he's deep in the Valley. A lot of important vital senior citizens go there. I see him. The. In the waiting room. The winners of it.

[B]

Like, you're fucking with me right now. This is like you with me.

[A]

No, I wish I was. I wish I was.

[B]

We.

[C]

We. Okay. We. We. We sidetracked. Liz.

[A]

It's good. Johnny knows. Johnny needed to know this.

[C]

Liz, Liz. So, yeah, but this is just an example of how, you know, sometimes you gotta be careful. But Liz, I do think like, you gotta go. You're gonna have. This is a fear you have to face and you know it. Right?

[D]

Yes, yes.

[C]

I think, I think honestly, I think Johnny's example, like truthfully, with the Xanax, that is probably your best course of action. Like you. You'll be chill. Have someone drive you there because I don't know if. Does Xanax make you weird when you drive?

[B]

I think it's illegal to drive on Xanax. So there you go.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Have your husband drive. And then I think this is a two pronged approach. Short term, you're going to do some Xanax or nitrous or whatever it is just to get through that eye appointment. Long term, I think you need some exposure therapy because it's also affecting your knee. And I think you need to start having your husband or a valued friend fold their eyelids up and you're going to look at it starting for 30 seconds the next day, a minute and then are great. I know, friend.

[C]

My knees are popping.

[B]

But you can like me when I had food poisoning three days ago and I was like, oh, did you really

[A]

have food poisoning three days ago?

[B]

Yeah, I did.

[D]

To my.

[A]

How'd you do it to yourself?

[C]

Purpose.

[B]

Oh, I don't even know. I think I ate a bunch of a ton of herbs from my garden without washing them. And I also ate a bunch of wild rice. I think it was uncooked. Under. Undercooked. Just a bunch of stuff.

[A]

It's.

[B]

I can handle it. I bounce back like so fast from that because, you know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because I don't have the large Intestine, so it's different for me, but. Yeah.

[C]

You don't have a large. Lucky.

[A]

Everybody needs one man show. It's so good. Liz, what do you think about starting to have a loved one fold their eyelids up and you can slowly. I promise you can conquer this. Are you okay with it? Your husband or a friend? You know, you have them fold their eyelids up and then you watch tv. And then slowly but surely, I truly think this will start to go away. I know. I know how you feel. I hear it. I hear it. It sucks. Temporarily. You're going to do the Xanax for your next doctor's appointment.

[D]

Okay. Yeah, I think that'll work. I just gotta get my hands on Xanax.

[A]

But what about long term? Do you feel comfortable having somebody start to show you their eyelids?

[C]

Not comfortable, but you'll do it, won't you?

[D]

Yeah, I just gotta start out slow. I think that's gonna be the key of just like. I can't watch my husband put his contacts in. Maybe I start there. I don't know.

[A]

Boom. That's it.

[B]

I had two questions. One, you don't have to watch her husband. Do you have to watch her husband put his contacts in?

[D]

I mean. No. He usually warns me that he's putting him in. So, like, maybe. Maybe I just watch one eye or

[B]

just don't watch it all. Like, I don't watch my wife shit ever. I don't. I mean, she doesn't want me to, but I don't watch her.

[A]

I'm in that club. Nope.

[C]

Where does the passion come from?

[B]

So I feel like it's like he maybe could go in the bathroom. He could surprise. Just go in the bathroom and close the door when he does that. And two, I think you have. This just sounds like something that's manageable. That is essentially just a personality quirk. It's just who you are. That's our friend Liz, who is, like, has a thing about eyes and she's cool with everything else, you know?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's one of those things where I think we focus too much on trying to normify people, when really it's like, that's just your thing. It's not the best, but it's. It's not like you're not able to. It's not keeping you in the house or, like, keeping you from doing anything. So you're just like a cool weirdo, that's all.

[D]

Yeah. Besides, like, if my kids get something stuck in their eye, then I. I'm. I'm not helpful. You Know, like dad's job.

[C]

But Billy Bob Durham, Billy Bob Thornton is afraid. You know, Billy Bob Thornton's afraid of antiques and clowns, and he still, you know, is one of our. One of our great treasures. So, like, yeah, this is like Johnny said, it's your quirk. You know, own it. Make it your own. I think that's great. But also, like, I think you can take some step to get to that eye doctor so you can drive at night in case you have to.

[D]

Deal. Deal. I'll get.

[A]

I think everyone's right, Liz. I think everyone's right here. Johnny's right. This is just a fun quirk. Try a tiny bit of exposure therapy of just realizing you control it. You say, okay under your eyes. I'm not comfortable. My knee hurts. And temporarily. This is a very pro medicinal drug podcast. So you take yourself a Xanax and you will be at the ocean in your head, and you're going to have a nice old time at that eye doctor.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And your doctor will help you out with that. That's like an easy time, I think I also say consider renting Clockwork Orange. Fast forward.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Into the movie, Johnny. This is part of the healing. Maybe take that psilocybin, crank up the volume and watch the desensit. Desensitization MK Ultra scene that they're gonna show.

[D]

Do I. Do I do Xanax with that, too?

[C]

Yes, Maybe, maybe, maybe that might be

[A]

psychedelics, Liz, but, like, watch that part and I think it. Steve's. Steve's on to something here. But we've given you some approaches today. But you know what I'm gonna say, now you are stuck with us. Keep checking in. Find a friend to show you their eyelids. In the meantime, you get Xanax for your appointment because we need you driving around seeing on those roads.

[D]

Deal? Deal.

[A]

All right, Liz. Thank you so much, friend. I hope we helped today.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

Thank you, guys.

[C]

Good luck. You got this.

[G]

Yes. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want to know what's great about Squarespace, Gareth Reynolds, tell them about your website.

[H]

Well, every. I. I keep building different websites because it's so easy with Squarespace, but I. I've been working with Squarespace for a while. Could not be more user friendly. They make it very easy and your website looks great. And we've built multiple websites on this show because it's so easy. They really. They help you find the domain. They help you get.

[G]

By the way, here to help. Pod.com is our show. Website that is constantly evolving. And one thing I want to say, and that's a squarespace. Guys, check out the website because it's starting to evolve a little bit. So we've gotten emails from people being

[B]

like, where do I find the blank?

[C]

In the blank?

[G]

Well, go to heretohelpod.com which is a squarespace website, to get all the answers you need. Squarespace gives you everything you need. It's got cutting edge design. It's got. You can put donations on there.

[A]

Fun.

[G]

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[H]

You can put on there. There's also is the SEO tools, which for a while I just kept saying it and I didn't know what it

[B]

was, but I don't know what it is.

[H]

I'm gonna tell you. It's search engine optimization. So it's like if someone's looking for what you provide, they help you get higher in the search, which can be huge.

[G]

That's cool.

[C]

I think optimization is good.

[A]

There you go.

[H]

Wow. Coming in at the end.

[G]

So check out squarespace.com Gil sent me. Ms. Gil, can we get a taste of Gil Buchanan reading the end of this copy?

[H]

Jake Johnson, SEO Tools. Talk about being left behind in the search. That would be Gil Buch. Canada. An island by himself. Things are still going good. I've been talking into a microphone, but it's actually a shoe. I'm still in the closet waiting for someone to come find me.

[G]

But actually, Gil, it looks like your microphone is not plugged in, brother.

[H]

So sorry, I didn't understand how that was. Anyway, Squarespace slash. Gil sent me.

[C]

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[G]

Save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain using Gil sent me.

[H]

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[B]

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[G]

This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Quince. Lately, I've been more intentional what I wear day to day. Leaning into pieces that feel easy, comfortable and put together just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my go to. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are clean, and everything just works without needing to overthink it. This is real talk.

[H]

Literally tomorrow, going on the road for about 11 days. And it's all quints. It's all quints. If it's not quince, it's because it's soon to be Quince. It makes getting dressed easy. And I know that maybe sounds wild to some people, but Quince is my go to. I know that I look as good as I can.

[G]

I have bought probably nine Quint shirts. I do a bunch of the black T shirts. And lately I've done the Short sleeve collared shirts. And I'll tell you why. I can wear it on the pod. I could wear it out socially to a lunch, easy. But I could also wear it to a business event.

[H]

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[C]

Hello caller, how are you doing? Welcome to Weird. Here to help with Eric Edelstein, our special guest, Johnny Pemberton, America's favorite raconteur and your other host, Steve Berg. My friend, what is your name? And if you could tell us what your favorite album is, what your favorite movie slash premium television show is, and favorite book, we would love to hear them.

[E]

Oh, so cool to be here with you guys. Hi, my name is Carly. I live in Bismarck, North Dakota.

[B]

Ooh.

[E]

Yeah. And let's see, my favorite Movie is an 80s Tom Hanks movie called the Burbs.

[C]

Oh sure, we love the Burbs.

[A]

Bruce Dern.

[E]

Yeah, I feel like, uh huh. I feel like that's most of my personality. Corey Feldman movie.

[C]

Great movie.

[E]

Yeah. Corey Feldman, Carrie Fisher.

[A]

Oh, right, you're right.

[C]

And then I remember Corey Feldman had that great vision. Jinx Skateboard. And I thought that was Rick Dukeman, kid.

[A]

Oh, underrated Rick. Actor.

[C]

So good. I wanted to be like him when I was a kid.

[B]

By the critics.

[A]

Well, they were wrong.

[C]

They don't know what verbs, rules. Okay, Carly, what about that book or album?

[E]

An album. Well, I think you guys have said straight to jail for any compilations, but can I do a compilation?

[C]

We'll allow it today since Johnny's here.

[E]

Thank you. Do you guys remember in the 90s the. Now that's what I call music.

[A]

Oh, sure, yeah, sure.

[C]

Familiar?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, It'd be like Goo Goo dogs, Dolls, Blink 182, Ace of Bass.

[C]

Ooh, that would be.

[B]

I'm sorry, which number though?

[C]

That's not great.

[B]

No, that's what I thought.

[A]

Yeah. Which now was it now 1.

[B]

If you can't specify, I say it straight to jail. You have to specify a number.

[A]

Yeah, we need a number.

[C]

We need a volume number.

[E]

How about 1999?

[B]

Oh, they're not Yearly, though. They're not yearly, they're editions. It's like.

[C]

Were you trying to say Volume five?

[E]

Yeah, I totally meant Volume five. Thanks.

[C]

You meant Volume five. And also, I love Ace of Bass. I will say Ace of Base.

[B]

Sounds like you just phoned a friend.

[C]

What about a book? Is there a novel? Novel? Or a piece of non fiction you care for?

[E]

Well, if I was stranded on an island, I might want the Bible. But I also love the book Searching for God Knows what by Donald Miller.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

Very interesting thoughts on spirituality.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Introspective. You can go deep with it. Probably reread sentences and get different meanings. That makes sense. That makes sense.

[B]

Good choice.

[A]

And it's even better when you throw in that now that's what I call music. You listen to Spin Doctors and start

[C]

pondering God, I saw the fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, Ace of Bass was really good. I think they were fun. They were like a. They were like a fun Abbott. It was like if ABBA had little babies and then they had a band, it would be Ace of Bass. Maybe I'm just saying that because they're all Scandinavian. Anyways, Carly, what can we help you with today?

[E]

Okay, so my husband, dog and I are in Mexico.

[D]

Mexico?

[E]

Right now.

[C]

Oh, fun.

[E]

Whereabouts in Baja?

[A]

Awesome.

[E]

18 hours south of San Diego.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

What's the name of the Mountain Dew? Baja Blast.

[B]

What's the closest city to there, or closest settlement, or you want to call

[E]

it, you know, Todo Santos.

[B]

Todo Santos.

[A]

Oh, that's awesome way to get out.

[C]

That's not far from Cabo, is it?

[E]

Right. It's like an hour north of Cabo.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard. I have heard wonderful things about that place. Are you. Just a little vacation? Are you guys working or what's. What's cooking there?

[E]

Well, we drove our camper from Bismarck to Mexico.

[B]

What the hell?

[C]

You are living, right? You could do that.

[A]

You could do that.

[E]

That's pretty fun.

[D]

God. Yeah.

[E]

We left home about two or three months ago.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Yeah. So we're camping on a beach in Mexico right now.

[B]

What could you possibly need help with?

[A]

Yeah, you've won lives. You have it all figured out and

[C]

you're calling to help us.

[A]

We go to this resort in Cabo and my mom is so scared we're going to get. We're going to. I'm going to get kidnapped. Eric, what if they've seen you on television? What if. Honey, please. Would you please. Mike. We're at a resort, Mom. Like, we have a butler. We're okay. It's called Las Ventanas. We Google it. Marianne is terrified, doesn't want me leaving.

[C]

In her. In her defense, you are highly kidnappable.

[A]

I don't think I. I think they're sick of me out of a grand. Bob Dylan be like, oh, they would.

[C]

They would just gag you.

[A]

Yeah. They'd be like, enough, all right?

[C]

Fucking let this guy go.

[A]

Yeah, but, Carly, I got to say, you're a legitimate badass. Taking a camper from North Dakota to Baja is so cool. So, yeah, I'm very curious. What do you need help with? It sounds like we should be asking you for advice.

[E]

Well, come on down anytime.

[A]

Done.

[E]

We've been at the same campground for about two months, and there's an awesome guy in our campground named Frank. He's been camped here for, like, a year and a half, and he's.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

So awesome. He's a total vibe, like the godfather of our campground. Yeah, he's about 65, and he loves to jam. Like, that's. His whole thing is jamming like a guitar.

[C]

Like, what kind of jams we talking?

[E]

Well, he'll blast music.

[C]

Oh, he likes to jam. He jams music like his own. A boombox.

[E]

Yeah. So it's like a boombox, but then his jamming part is. He plays bongos and harmonica simultaneously.

[A]

What a king.

[E]

This guy is divorced, and I want you guys to know that the harmonica.

[A]

Is Frank divorced?

[C]

Johnny's right. There's no way he's hooked up, man.

[A]

Yeah. Is Johnny correct?

[E]

He is correct, Carl. Diane is correct.

[A]

He is divorced.

[B]

He's a type of unbridled freedom from a man that's been married for, like, 40 years and finally got the divorce. And I was like, I'm doing whatever I want.

[C]

And that is bongos on the beach. Everyone's chagrin.

[B]

Talking to everybody.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, man. Well, so. So you. You seem to like Frank. You know, you like his jamming, but I'm sensing there's some coming. There's a. There's a. There's a. There's a catch. The twist.

[E]

Well, he loves when people jam with him, so we've gone over to his camper, and we'll, like, sing, quote, unquote, karaoke with him just to have some fun. And we're leaving Mexico in two weeks, and we would like a fun way to hype up his jamming and just let him know how awesome he is for being kind of the legend of this campground in this area.

[C]

Cash.

[B]

Cash is always the best, you know, whoever. Cash, people. Everyone loves Cash. You know, just cash, 20s and tens, a little red envelope, you know, sort of Chinese New Year style.

[E]

Well, in pesos. That's a lot of cash. We can make rain.

[A]

Oh, big time. Big time. I mean, as somebody who hangs around with a lot of important, vital seniors who are unfiltered, I want to salute you for your friendship with Frank. I know the value you've gotten out of it, even if no one else does. Uh, I think you have to. You got to plan a goodbye party and it's under the guise of your saying goodbye. But it's to celebrate Frank. It's to celebrate what a legend he is. It's to celebrate his divorce that, that lady who didn't understand his music is gone. And we're glad about that. And just a really, I think, I bet Frank gets a lot of attention, but give him some even more because there was too long that vital seniors were not celebrated for the legends. They are vital seniors. I think you can also go into town and get him one more musical instrument. He's only double fisting. He's got bongos and a harmonica. Yeah, but like, imagine if he got him like the Bob Dylan harmonica holder. Then he can bring a guitar into the equation. He can bring in even more. And like, what I'm hearing from you is kind of the beginnings of a cult. And it's a cult I'm very interested in joining here. Oh, what is that, Johnny?

[C]

Is that the Necronomicon?

[B]

This is called the Kalinga. I think it's called that. You should get in one of these things, Johnny.

[A]

Will you play that? What is it?

[B]

It's not in tune, but it's called like a finger piano or a Kalinga. I think that's what it's called.

[C]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[B]

Got this for me in South Africa.

[C]

But that is xylophone energy to it.

[B]

It's in tune. It sounds incredible.

[A]

It sounds good now, buddy.

[B]

Well, it sort of does. I mean, not like harmonically, but maybe rhythmically. Yeah, but yeah, that'd be a fun gift. That's a cool gift for somebody.

[C]

Yeah, I, I think I, I do think, like, adding to his, you know, his arsenal of jamming equipment is probably a great idea. Like, you know, there's also those, like, little hand drums that aren't too much money. Like, what's the budget here on what you want to spend on Frank? What's Frank worth to you?

[E]

Oh, oh, my gosh. He's priceless. But I'd spend US$100.

[A]

Oh, you can get him something awesome for that.

[C]

You can get him something nice.

[A]

Now let me ask you this. Is Frank. Is Frank currently romantically intertwined? Does he have a. Does he have himself a lady friend or a man friend or anything?

[E]

That I don't know for sure. But I would say no.

[A]

I mean, I'd love to. I'd love it if we can play matchmaker and hook up.

[B]

Eric would love to have sex with Frank.

[A]

I'm offering that. I am a. I am a ticket. I'm an airplane ticket away. I want to hear the harmonica. I want to hear the bongos. And at the end of the day, it's just skin.

[C]

It is. It's just skin. Eric's body is a playground. Everyone gets to have fun with it. I think let Frank take a little turn with that and see what happens. But in case Eric can't come, I do think adding another instrument is a great idea. Like, especially if you have a hundred dollar budget. I mean, you could get kind of a lot for 100 bucks. Like a little hand drum. And like, you know, I'm trying to think what else. Like, I mean, I, I like what, what is that called again, Johnny?

[B]

That's called a. I think it's called a kalinga. You get like one of those fish things, those little fish. Yep, yep. You could also do that.

[C]

Oh yeah. Who would have loved those?

[B]

A really cool African instrument. I don't know what it's called, but it's like a gourd that has a, A net of beads around. It's kind of. You can shake it.

[A]

Those are great because those are always.

[C]

A tambourine is always great too.

[B]

Tambourine, Cool.

[A]

Shout out. Joel Guillon, Brian Jonestown master playing tambourine. Friend of the pod.

[C]

I think there's a Stevie of tambourine players.

[A]

Now here's what I want to know because I do know vital seniors quite well. There is a hundred percent chance that Frank will one day come to North Dakota and stay with you for a undetermined amount of time. That could turn into years. This might be okay with that Carly

[B]

going on right now.

[A]

Yeah. You've manifested the burbs. It sounds like you've invited in a Bruce Stern. There's no way. He does not now think of himself as bicoastal with a little place in North Dakota. Are you prepared for him to come up?

[E]

I welcome it.

[A]

Oh, you're awesome. This is why you're on the right pod. You're a glorious weirdo accepting of seniors. Thank you.

[C]

You could probably also leave him some 50 SPF because I'm gear. I bet he does not wear sunscreen. While Frank is probably a, you know, dyed in the wool beach rat. I mean, they can still. They're not sun either.

[A]

I'll bet you money Frank's one of those. No, no, you get the cancer from the sunscreen. The sun's fine. People live in the sun forever. You're baking in those chemicals from Monsanto. That's how you get sick.

[C]

I mean, he's probably right.

[A]

I know this guy. I know I am Frank.

[C]

Frank sounds like a man of science.

[A]

I mean, you are Frank.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No, one day there'll be people calling in about me. Like, this is this guy. I guess he was like a character actor.

[C]

Yeah, he's on. He's on Malibu bugging Don Johnson all the time. Parking for Don Johnson.

[A]

I once bugged him at a. At an elevator when he was getting his parking validated. I really did. I really did. So, Carly, how are you feeling about all this? I feel like we presented you with a dynamic swath of options to truly honor Frank. And we love your love for Frank. What do you think about that? A musical instrument, a special party for him, and maybe, just maybe playing a little bit of matchmaker.

[E]

Well, the area we're in is very limited, but I can go scour the little town first. There's got to be something I can bang my hand against, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

There's some babes out there. There's got to be some babes.

[B]

What about, like a painting of some sort? You know, that's always a nice thing. I don't know if you're artistically inclined in that way, but anytime someone makes something for someone, it's always just. Especially if it doesn't take up a lot of space. It's always. That's always appreciated, I think. Other than that.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I love anything. Anything that's personal like that is just unbelievably nice.

[C]

Yeah, Handmade stuff is the best. It really is. You know, I would also say, like, you could have, like, a last night celebration for him. You know, maybe some fish tacos on the beach. You know, some kind of cabbage slaw. You know, a spiced black bean. Sounds good.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

Maybe some. Maybe some sopa pillas at the end because everyone wants a dessert and sopa pias are really good. But yeah, I think some kind of nice. Like a little banquet for Frank and they can present the instrument to him and then give him the. A new spare set of keys to your places in Bismarck.

[E]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We can leave A key with them, for sure.

[A]

Oh, that would go. Yeah. Yeah. What the hell am I doing here?

[C]

Here? I've been to Bismarck, man.

[B]

I think that Frank's gonna go to Bismarck, North Dakota. I mean, people, there's a reason you've been gone for three months. Okay, I'm from Minnesota, and Minnesota is. It's better than the Dakotas. And even there, I want to get out of there.

[C]

So where in Minnesota?

[B]

I grew up in Rochester. Yeah. Okay.

[C]

I love medicinal.

[B]

It's great. But it's also six months of the year. It's not great.

[C]

It's frigid.

[B]

It's frigid. Wait, does Frank drink or smoke or do anything like that?

[D]

Both.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I mean, of course he does.

[B]

Let's be realistic. You're probably not gonna be able to acquire an instrument. Let's just assume you're not gonna be able to acquire an instrument. But you can always get someone. Like a really nice bottle of tequila is always appreciated. Especially if you like to drink. Or even if he. Wherever he drinks. Like a nice bottle of something. Like a really nice bo. I have a bottle of, like, really nice avion we got at our wedding that I barely touch. Cause it's just so nice. But like, that's like. You know what I mean? Cause I'll never buy that for myself.

[E]

Yeah, I think he drinks exclusively. Tecate, a local beer. So imagine a hundred dollars. A hundred dollars worth of Tecate.

[A]

Or you go 50, 50. You get him 50 bucks worth of Tecate. You get them a nice little bag of weed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Suddenly Frank's a pig. The teacher plant.

[C]

The teacher plant.

[A]

Yeah, teacher plant.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Teacher plant.

[C]

If someone gave me a bag of teacher plant while I was living on the beach, I would be very happy. Also, if he's banging cigs, I guarantee Frank rolls his own. Just a nice big bag of loose leaf, like drum tobacco. I bet he'd be psyched about that. Smokey's back, too.

[A]

So it's so punk rock now. To smoke.

[C]

It's so bad.

[A]

Vaping's bad. It gives you popcorn. Lungs smoking.

[C]

God. Yeah. Have fun.

[A]

Yeah. And can we literally get a picture from this party of you guys with Frank that we can post on the

[C]

website or video of a jam?

[A]

Okay, we're about to see Frank jamming and I'm so excited.

[B]

Thank God.

[C]

I'm nervous. Eric, Eric, just calm yourself down.

[A]

No, I can't. I might just get up air throat in a lather. Oh, what a student.

[B]

Frank doesn't need anything. I just realized It.

[A]

Yeah. No, Frank, he's got it. Frank's won.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Are you kidding?

[B]

I don't know if there's anything you could possibly get that man that he would use other than a bottle of booze and a carton of cigs and maybe. God damn.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Frank's living his best life.

[B]

That's funny.

[C]

We're all, like, now, like, really sorry. I'm really questioning my life decisions because I am doing everything wrong.

[A]

What are we doing with our lives, guys? We need to be down there.

[C]

Is there room on that beach, is what I'm wondering.

[A]

Incredible head of hairy hatches. The tan. The bongo's perfectly in tune. The ladies.

[C]

I bet he's got a catchphrase. Does he have a catchphrase?

[E]

It's jammin. I mean, I hear him all the time.

[C]

That's it.

[E]

I love to jam.

[C]

The language of music.

[A]

Let us take Frank's spirit with us today. Listeners, find a way to bring jammin into your life. Try to channel your inner Frank and Carly, we want to thank you for introducing us to Frank. And we want to hear how you honor this great man who is my new guru. And I may see you down in Cabo before you know it.

[E]

Oh, please.

[C]

And honestly, I think you helped us today. We're now all going to be doing some soul searching and reevaluation of our lifestyles. Mine is definitely being lived wrong and I know that now. So thank you, Curly. Deeply appreciate it.

[E]

Can I just say real quick that Johnny's idea about the painting, what if we had a huge party and also like, invited a ton of people and had a canvas and we all just like, paint the canvas with our hands and our bodies?

[D]

That's it.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That's such a good idea.

[D]

That's it.

[A]

Yes. I love this.

[B]

Get out of here.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, I think that's perfect.

[B]

That sounds really fun, actually.

[C]

It really. I'm. I'm fucking stealing the idea. That is incredible.

[B]

Yeah, I dig it.

[C]

You're helping us. You're helping Frank, you're helping yourself. Look at you. You're a gem of a human being.

[A]

All right, Carly, keep us updated. We want to see the picture. We want to see Frank. We want to see a video of all of you on your last night.

[B]

He's going to love sticking his dick in that paint.

[C]

Yeah, he is definitely going to stick his dick right in that paint. I mean, if I know Frank, three

[B]

o' clock in the morning, sticking that shriveled old hard on in the paint to Sign his name at the bottom right under a pair of tits.

[E]

Okay. I'll have my husband stick his dick in first, but there you go.

[C]

There you go. Don't leave Frank hanging. So to speak.

[A]

So to speak.

[C]

Thank you so much, Carly.

[E]

Hi, guys.

[A]

We really helped today. Johnny, you could not have been a better guest helper. You really spiked the ball there. We want to thank you so much for coming in.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

What do you want to promote? I know you got a ton of stuff coming out. When does your damn one man show come out? I know you're working on editing it,

[B]

but the world needs to see TBD right now.

[A]

But tbd, everybody watch you on Amazon

[B]

there. And you can watch Mermaid on Mermaid. Mermaid comes out May 26th everywhere for rental.

[A]

I'm. I saw Mermaid. It's the best movie I've seen in the theater in forever. It is so incredibly good. Johnny carries the whole damn thing. Also, I will say this an incredible performance from Robert Patrick.

[B]

Amazing. Very good. Incredible.

[A]

But this, this movie, it is the kind of glorious movie we need more of.

[B]

It'll be on VOD starting May 26th.

[A]

Okay, everybody, see Mermaid. Check in with us. There's a reason Johnny was our first guest. He's the best. And you will love Mermaid and everything else he's doing.

[B]

Stop getting colonics if you are getting them.

[A]

All right, I'm done.

[C]

Thanks, Johnny. Thank you.

[A]

Bye, Johnny.

[B]

Bye. We're here to help.

[F]

Fellas, I just gotta. I gotta send you a little voice memo here. I'm listening to the show while I'm doing chores in the woods of eastern Nebraska. Feeding hogs that I raise in the woods. And I got a kick out of the little speedbird playing like a pig in the dirt getting ticks. And thought you guys would find it interesting that pigs actually rarely get ticks. We raise pigs outdoors. And I think one of the reason I'm watching a hog right now do it is they scratch on trees a lot. So they often scratch them off. Usually the only times I find them is they're in a really hidden spot or near their eyes. So, yeah, let Steve Berg go hunt for morel mushrooms. Come on. Love the scale crumbs. Bye. Bye.

[A]

Weird. Here to Help is hosted by Eric Edelstein and Steve Berg. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your [e-mail] that was a headgum podcast.

[E]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[C]

Sterling K. Brown.

[A]

And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was us now on Head Gu.

[E]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[D]

This is us.

[C]

That's right.

[E]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[A]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot.

[C]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that. Was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.