What It Was Like — “Saying Goodbye to My Multiple Personalities”

Host: Julian Morgans
Guest: Vivian Conan
Original Release: December 12, 2025
Theme: An intimate, first-person account of living with (and ultimately integrating) Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder.

Episode Overview

In this deeply introspective and candid episode, host Julian Morgans sits down with Vivian Conan—an 83-year-old New Yorker—to explore her decades-long journey with Dissociative Identity Disorder. The conversation traces Vivian’s childhood, the creation and function of her “parts,” the long process of discovering her diagnosis, and her eventual blending of personalities into a functional, balanced self. Far from typical sensationalized depictions, Vivian offers an honest, empathetic, and sometimes humorous look at what it was like to live with multiple identities—and how she ultimately said goodbye to them.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction to DID and Cultural Context

• Host’s Reflection (03:05): Julian contextualizes DID in pop culture—movies such as Fight Club and Sybil—noting how often the real-life experiences of people with DID are overlooked in favor of dramatic fiction:

  “It's just such a movie staple that honestly, I think I've never stopped to think about what a real world version of this would look like until I came across today's guest.”

2. Vivian’s Childhood: Seeds of Dissociation

• Family Dynamics (06:21): Vivian describes growing up in post-war Brooklyn with an autocratic, survival-obsessed father and an emotionally unpredictable mother.
• Duality of Self (07:59): She was “two ways”—cheerful and outgoing at school, subdued and unhappy at home.
• Creation of “The Atmosphere” (08:48): Vivian invents a comforting, imaginary world populated with benevolent adults, providing constant emotional reassurance:

  “The purpose of the atmosphere was they understood me... and they were with me 24/7. And that's what got me through many, many hard times.”

3. Early Emergence of Alternate Parts

• Appearance of ‘Ellen Willow’ (11:16): At 15, Vivian invents Ellen Willow, a supremely competent, composed alter living a parallel narrative:

  “Ellen Willow became very real for me...she was a 15 year old writer who lives in Nebraska... Ellen Willow was a maid...for a very wealthy family who was very good to her...At first Ellen Willow was only in Nebraska...but little by little, Ellen Willow came to take over my life while I was in Brooklyn.”
  (13:36)

• Seamless Switching (15:04): Switching between personas felt natural, almost unnoticed, but led to parallel realities superimposed over everyday life.

4. Understanding the Disorder: Dissociation Explained

• The Function of Dissociation (18:11): Vivian explains DID as an adaptation to ongoing trauma—walled-off parts of self carrying pain/knowledge to protect the rest of the system.

  “Dissociation is a walling off of parts of your feelings or knowledge so that it doesn't break, bother the rest of you.” (18:11)

• Parts/System Language (17:26): She prefers the term “parts” over “alters,” emphasizing that they are dissociated fragments rather than wholly separate people.

5. Parts with Specific Roles: From Protection to Pain-Bearing

• ‘Lisa’—The Pain-Bearer (25:17): Lisa, age 17, held the pain and suicidal feelings, protecting the rest of the system:

  “Lisa would hold all the pain for us...she would get suicidal...she would also get crazy. So if Lisa is out...I could be very suicidal.” (25:17)

• Lisa’s behaviors (including risky relationships) were deeply connected to unmet needs from childhood.

• Adaptive but Confusing (26:44): The ability to “be fine” at work but not elsewhere creates confusion for outsiders and professionals.

6. Therapy, Misdiagnosis, and the Long Road to Clarity

• Early Therapy Experiences (27:42): Early therapists misunderstood Vivian, failing to grasp what was truly happening.

• Hospitalization & Misdiagnosis (29:25): Vivian is hospitalized, misdiagnosed as schizophrenic, and given unhelpful, even harmful medications.

• Enduring the Mystery (35:54): Vivian spent decades feeling like a puzzle to herself, chalking her suffering up to an unknown, irreparable fault.

7. Epiphany: Discovery of DID

• Revelatory Moment (37:21): Vivian discovers the movie Sybil and recognizes herself in the depiction of multiple personalities:

  “After I watched it, I realized...oh my God, this is what's wrong with me. This is what I am. And at first I was horrified because multiple personality disorder sounded so freakish...” (37:21)

• First Named Parts (38:40): She consciously meets her parts one by one, finally finding psychiatric validation for her diagnosis.

• The Blending Process (41:27, 46:16): With time and effective therapy, the hard boundaries between parts begin to soften—a process Vivian calls “blending”:

  “It's more like an orchestra that everyone is doing the same thing together... they're not making wild noises in cacophony...” (45:12)

8. Everyday Life with DID

• Work and Professional Life (31:43): Dissociation allowed Vivian to function at a high level professionally:

  “I have two careers. I'm a librarian and an IT systems analyst... I was always fine at work. Even during some times when I was in the hospital, they would allow me to go out on pass and go to work.” (31:43)

• “Almost Vivian”—the System Administrator (33:11): One part’s job was to manage day-to-day functioning and avert disruptions at work.

• Personal Relationships (34:17+): Vivian struggled to form intimate bonds; much of her life was spent experiencing the world from a child's perspective.

9. DID in Pop Culture & Stigma

• On Sensational Movie Portrayals (51:02): Vivian decries the stereotype of the “killer with multiple personalities”:

  “If you had cancer and your disease was sensationalized...that would be horrible. It makes you afraid to come out...for people to be afraid of you when you're really a trauma victim who's suffering is really horrible.” (51:02)

10. Recovery, Functional Multiplicity, and Advice

• Current State: The “atmosphere” is gone; most parts have blended, with only a few gentle holdouts.
• Advice for Others (46:56):

  “If you don't feel comfortable with the therapist you are, don't stay...And for people who do dissociate, you're not alone and you're not crazy.”

• Resources: Recommends the community Infinite Minds (aninfinitemind.org) for those living with DID.

11. Legacy & Reflection

• Memoir “Losing the Atmosphere” (52:10):

  “It actually took me 25 years to write, and I was not the same person at the end of those 25 years than I was in the beginning.”

• Key Takeaway (53:32):

  “For people who don't dissociate, don't be afraid of people who do...And for people who do dissociate, you're not alone and you're not crazy. You actually found a very creative way to navigate your life and, you know, like, just feel proud of yourself. You survived this.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I was talking to them and also talking for them that way. It was a two way conversation, but there were different people in the mirror and I was very, very unhappy. But none of the adults in my life understood it.”
  (13:36, Vivian Conan on speaking to/for her mirror personalities)

• “When Lisa was out, I could be very suicidal...when Lisa is out, I could be very suicidal. Lisa was also the most attractive of us...she would go out with men and sleep with them to get someone to hold.”
  (25:17)

• “I could never be the director of a library now, but I was then because everything that didn't support that was totally walled off. I was not a whole person. I was the part of the person that needed to do that job.”
  (41:27)

• “It's more like an orchestra that everyone is doing the same thing together. They're not making wild noises in cacophony or something like that.”
  (45:12, on ‘blending’)

• “If you had cancer and your disease was sensationalized, people were afraid of you, that would be horrible...for people to be afraid of you when you're really a trauma victim who's suffering is really horrible.”
  (51:02)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Vivian describes the “Atmosphere”: 08:48–10:55
• Introduction of ‘Ellen Willow’: 11:16–16:44
• Explaining dissociation and “parts”: 17:26–22:13
• Lisa, the ‘pain holder’: 25:17–27:32
• First hospitalization & misdiagnosis: 27:42–30:03
• Realization watching ‘Sybil’: 37:21–38:40
• Discovery and confirmation of DID: 38:40–41:27
• ‘Almost Vivian’ and workday coping strategies: 33:11–34:04
• Effects on work and relationships: 31:43–35:54
• On inaccurate media portrayals: 51:02–51:57
• Memoir “Losing the Atmosphere”: 52:10–53:16
• Final advice for listeners: 46:56–54:13

Tone & Style

Vivian is direct, self-aware, warm, and candid throughout. Julian approaches the subject with curiosity, compassion, and humor, but always remains sensitive and respectful.

Final Reflections

For anyone struggling with their own sense of self, trauma, or mental health, Vivian’s story is both validating and inspiring. Her journey highlights the resilience of the human mind and underscores that healing is messy but possible—often demanding time, patience, and community.

Key message:

“You’re not crazy. You actually found a very creative way to navigate your life...feel proud of yourself. You survived this.” (53:32, Vivian Conan)