Episode Overview

Title: Am I Hypervigilant? Signs of Hypervigilance & How to Get Better
Podcast: What Your Therapist Thinks
Hosts: Kristie Plantinga & Felicia Keller Boyle
Guest: Haley Thomas, Licensed Psychotherapist
Date: September 10, 2025

This episode dives deep into the concept of hypervigilance—what it feels like, why it develops, its effects on daily life and relationships, and how to start healing. Guest Haley Thomas joins hosts Kristie and Felicia for an unfiltered conversation about surviving trauma, the difference between vigilance and hypervigilance, and actionable advice for listeners seeking to better understand and manage these feelings.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Hypervigilance

• Biology & Survival Roots:
  “Honestly, that’s what our brains are wired to do… As much healing as we do, that’s part of our species makeup.” – Felicia (00:00, 59:08)
• Difference from Vigilance:
  “What would separate hypervigilance from just like, vigilance, is that it doesn’t have an off switch. Right?” – Felicia (05:39)
  “It’s like being stuck on.” – Felicia (05:33)

Quick Definition

• Felicia (08:07): “It’s a two-parter. We’ve got this near constant scanning and then we’ve got sort of like false positives. Right. That combination of, like, your testing material has been damaged… it’s not accurate anymore, but you’re trying to use it constantly.”

2. Personal & Clinical Connections

• Haley’s Story:
  Haley shares personal experience with PTSD and C-PTSD and how hypervigilance colored her life (03:24).
  Quote:
  “When I think about hypervigilance, I always like to go back to… if you’re being chased by a bear… But with hypervigilance, when it’s constant, that’s a problem… now that hypervigilance isn’t helping me. It’s actually creating a brand new problem.” – Haley (03:24)

• Felicia on Fear of Letting Go:
  “A big thing that people fear…is, okay, well, if I’m not this way, then how will I keep myself safe?” – Felicia (05:39)

3. Hypervigilance in Everyday Life

• Social Hypervigilance:
  Kristie relates to body language scanning and people-pleasing in social settings, constantly reading for threat or displeasure (07:00).
  “Always this fear of, like, is someone upset with me? And did I cause this?” – Kristie (07:00)

• Fixation on Planning & Control:
  “Hypervigilance can, can feel like obsessive thinking. It can manifest as an attempt to control every little thing… If I’m hypervigilant… then I’m going to really try to control how that interaction goes.” – Felicia (11:18)

• Lack of Curiosity:
  “Hypervigilance can also show up as a lack of curiosity. Because when we’re curious, we’re really open… But when we’re not curious, we’re making negative assumptions all the time.” – Haley (13:07)

4. Why It Happens and the Role of Validation

• Validating the Source:
  “It’s so unfair that they’ve had experiences that have led them to have to ask this question.” – Haley (18:05)
• Healing Precursor:
  “It’s really hard to let go of hypervigilance if you…haven’t been witnessed in the fact that what happened was actually really harmful.” – Felicia (05:39)

5. Internet Questions: When and How Can I Let Go of Hypervigilance?

[Reddit Q1]: “How do you protect yourself without being hypervigilant?... Where is the line between being normally aware and being naive?”

• Safety Before Letting Go:
  “I think it’s when you’re safe. You can’t give it up when you’re not safe. And it can even happen in very subtle ways—emotional, psychological unsafety.” – Felicia (19:28)
• Dosing Safe Experiences:
  “If this person were talking to me in therapy, I would be talking with them about, like, dosing safe experiences.” – Haley (18:05)
• Somatic Approach:
  “Depending on the severity, we’ve got to be very gentle with folks… Sometimes for people who have been, like, incredibly traumatized, what is safe is very hard to find.” – Felicia (19:28)
• Honoring Hypervigilance Itself:
  “Make a list of, like, the things your hypervigilance is really skilled at, the things that do really, really well…” – Haley (22:03)
• Updating the Job:
  “My clients are used to me talking about it as updating the job description of their parts… It needs training.” – Haley (24:32)

6. Practical Healing Steps

• Dosing Safety Examples:
  Haley describes a small-steps approach:
  “Instead of telling this person, like, why don’t you go for a walk… I asked them, would they be interested in maybe opening up their window and listening to what they could hear…which then turned into, maybe I want to see some of those birds…” (26:00)

• Therapeutic Co-Regulation:
  “Part of what’s so effective when it comes to therapy outcomes is the relationship between the therapist and the client.” – Felicia (33:09)
  “Some of what you are paying for when you see a therapist is to actually borrow from your therapist’s nervous system.” – Haley (31:46)

• On Fit:
  “In therapy, the vibes between you and your therapist do, in fact, need to be immaculate…How you feel toward your therapist is the number one predictor of having successful positive outcomes.” – Haley (34:31)

7. Black and White Thinking & Mistake Anxiety

• No Perfect Line Exists:
  “What if there’s not a line? What if it’s maybe okay to consider the line might not exist? We want there to be a line because if there’s a line, then we can figure out how to be safe.” – Haley (39:51)
• Permission to Make Mistakes:
  “What has not been checked off is…permission to make mistakes. Permission to treat yourself kindly and gently when you make a mistake…” – Haley (41:05)
• Pain Isn’t Proof of Failure:
  “You’re not bad or wrong when it occurs, which I think is the thing that we’re fearing on the bottom of that, is…if I were just the correct type of human, I wouldn’t experience pain.” – Felicia (43:57)

8. Hypervigilance in Relationships

[Reddit Q2]: “Dealing with hypervigilance in a relationship with a safe partner…”

• Celebrate Relationship Steps:
  “The fact that they’re even in a relationship after experiencing so much harm…is major. That’s really worth celebrating.” – Haley (48:25)
• Communication and Asking for Reassurance:
  “One of the best ways for me to get out of hypervigilance is to just ask questions. Notice when I am inferring something about another person and just ask.” – Felicia (50:50)
• Tender Spots:
  “We all have wounds…when you’re in a healthy relationship, part of the role you’re taking on is caring about those tender parts in each other.” – Felicia (50:50)
• Healing Takes Time:
  “Healing takes time. And it is okay to be frustrated and pissed off by how long it can take. That said, it’s also important to acknowledge just how much has changed.” – Haley (55:14)
• Openness & Curiosity:
  “Being vulnerable and being like, are you mad at me? Opens up this, like, why are you doing this? And that’s so scary. It takes so much bravery.” – Kristie (57:16)

9. Reflection and Practical Advice

• Notice Progress:
  “What are the things that you’re doing now that you didn’t think would be possible six months ago or two years ago?” – Haley (62:03)
• Drives, Danger, & Evolution:
  “We’re biologically wired to make what’s not working, what feels uncomfortable… more important in terms of how we spend our attention… That’s our survival strategy.” – Felicia (59:08)
• Curiosity and Hope:
  “Letting yourself…plant some of those seeds…catching some things that are going well that you haven’t given yourself credit for, and then…build some capacity for hope.” – Haley (64:22)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Survival Wiring:
  “If we’re right, like 1% of the time, and that 1% of the time we stay alive because we were right, that’s worth it evolutionarily.” – Felicia (59:45)

• On Feeling Seen:
  “I explain to my clients that…some of what you are paying for when you see a therapist is to borrow from your therapist’s nervous system.” – Haley (31:46)

• Co-regulation in Therapy:
  “It is the relationship that is going to be that top predictor…someone who can model going through a conflict with you…that can be so helpful for people experiencing hypervigilance.” – Haley (34:31)

• Affirmation:
  “You are doing great, sweetie… Part of you is curious. And if you’re wanting to know…what does a therapist think about all of this? I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit for how far you’ve already come… You get to be pissed off.” – Haley (65:11)

Notable Timestamps

• Defining hypervigilance and differentiation from vigilance: 05:33 - 08:07
• Personal/clinical stories on trauma and hypervigilance: 03:24, 05:33, 11:18
• Reddit question 1 – “How do I know when it’s safe to let go?”: 17:05 – 23:38
• Practical healing strategies and dosing safety examples: 24:32 – 29:50
• Therapeutic co-regulation and the importance of therapist fit: 29:50 – 34:31
• On black and white thinking/mistakes and emotional discomfort: 39:51 – 43:57
• Reddit question 2 – Relationships and reassurance: 46:47 – 56:13
• Reflecting on progress and future-casting hope: 62:03 – 64:45
• Parting therapist advice and encouragement: 65:11 – 67:53

Summary Takeaways

• Hypervigilance is a survival mechanism that becomes maladaptive when “stuck on.”
• It’s common and valid, especially after repeated trauma. Healing is a slow, nonlinear process.
• Building safety occurs gradually—through dosing, gentle exposure, self-inquiry, and supportive relationships.
• Therapy is powerful for its regulatory, co-experienced nature, not just the interventions discussed.
• Fit and feeling seen by your therapist are far more important than technique or modality.
• Black and white thinking traps us. Building tolerance for mistakes and emotional discomfort is key.
• Progress might be slow and sometimes invisible—it’s important to reflect and recognize change.
• You are not alone, and you deserve both patience and credit for every step you’re taking.
• “You are doing great, sweetie.”

For more from Haley, visit chicorycounseling.com or follow @ChicoryCounseling on Instagram.