Am I Just “Nice,” Or Am I A People Pleaser? Signs You’re People Pleasing

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "Am I Just 'Nice,' Or Am I A People Pleaser? Signs You’re People Pleasing"

Podcast: What Your Therapist Thinks
Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: Chloe Bean, LMFT
Date: October 29, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the complexities of people pleasing: what it is, why people do it, and how to distinguish people pleasing from being genuinely nice or selfless. Licensed therapists Felicia Keller Boyle, Kristie Plantinga, and guest Chloe Bean dissect the difference between authentic generosity and the habit (not trait!) of people pleasing. They discuss root causes (especially from childhood), the emotional toll and dangers, how it impacts relationships, and ways to foster more authenticity and self-agency. Drawing on Reddit stories, personal anecdotes, and therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS), the conversation is candid, validating, and full of actionable insights.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining People Pleasing

[03:02 - 03:51]

• People pleasing is not an inborn trait, nor an official mental health diagnosis; it's a habit or chronic behavior pattern, often stemming from a learned response to one's environment.
• Chloe Bean: “I tend to think of it as a trauma response … a habit that was learned.” [03:20]
• It can be adaptive initially (a way to survive), but over time becomes maladaptive and exhausting.

2. Signs of People Pleasing & Where It Shows Up

[04:22 - 05:32]

• Saying "yes" to everything at work or in relationships.
• Difficulty saying "no", not being able to hear or identify your own needs.
• Hyper-focusing on what others want at the expense of one's own voice.

Felicia: “Compulsive people pleasing can start to deaden one's ability to actually locate what they want.” [04:52]

3. Dangers & Impact on Relationships

[05:49 - 07:05]

• Loss of sense of self—people pleasers disconnect from their own desires.
• Vulnerability to being manipulated or taken advantage of, particularly by those who are domineering.
• Inauthenticity in relationships: If all energy is spent making another happy, mutuality and honesty suffer.
• Lack of boundaries, increased stress, and fear in social dynamics.

Chloe: “You’re really vulnerable to someone taking advantage of you, of manipulation. … It almost feeds into itself. It gets stronger.” [05:49]

4. Resentment & Burnout

[11:16 - 13:47]

• Suppressed needs eventually surface—often as outbursts, withdrawal, or resentment.
• Setting boundaries feels unnatural at first ("like a baby deer learning to walk"), and can provoke disproportionate emotional reactions.

Felicia: “When people aren’t used to making boundaries, ... it’s like, either I’m going to fly off the handle, or ... making the slightest boundary feels like I am screaming at someone.” [13:08]

5. Is People Pleasing Always Bad?

[09:21 - 10:40]

• Doing things for others isn't inherently unhealthy—context and intention matter.
• Motivation is key: Are you doing it from love and choice or fear and compulsion?

Felicia: “You could have the exact same behavior, but one of them could be people pleasing and one of them could be really empowered and loving ... Are you making the decision to do this, or do you feel trapped, like you have no other choice?” [09:21]

6. Root Causes and Childhood Origins

[18:40 - 21:07]

• Frequently rooted in childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or family expectations.
• Children learn to please as a coping survival skill, securing safety or approval from unstable caregivers.

Chloe: “It’s not a choice, right? ... How do I survive in this system that I’m in?” [19:18]

7. Healing & Re-Patterning People Pleasing

[23:08 - 24:27]

• Therapy modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS)—viewing the people-pleasing part with compassion and curiosity instead of shame.
• Chloe: “[IFS] helps bring curiosity … and really understanding what it’s needing from you and what it has needed. ... We want to get curious about it.” [23:08]
• Increasing options and capacities to respond differently; not just rigidly pleasing, but choosing self-authenticity.

8. Personal Stories & Burnout

[24:27 - 26:07]

• Chloe shares about careers in high-pressure environments where pleasing “helped professionally,” but led to anxiety and disconnect from her own desires.

9. Labels: Trait or Pattern?

[27:39 - 28:41]

• Labels (“people pleaser”, “codependent”) can be helpful when they provide understanding or distance from the behavior, but should not be used rigidly or as self-fulfilling identities.

Felicia: “Whatever helps you see it as changeable ... is the thing you should be doing for yourself.” [28:41]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Felicia: “No one can make you feel a certain way. That's not accurate.” [00:00]
• Chloe, on authenticity: “Am I showing up honestly out of that attempt to have control right over the situation or the outcome?” [08:19]
• Felicia, on boundaries: “When people aren’t used to making boundaries ... it’s like a baby deer learning to walk.” [13:08]
• Chloe: “Usually the response is, ‘therefore, I need to be even better so that they'll then give me what I want’ ... it's a void, you're just grasping.” [44:31]
• Host humor: “Don’t let a five-year-old drive a bus. That’s a great tip.” [53:02]

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Reddit Q&A Highlights (with Timestamps)

1. Is Being 'Too Nice' People Pleasing?

[28:41 - 36:46]

• One user wonders if being “too nice” is bad, since they like making others happy.
• Discussion clarifies: genuine kindness is not people pleasing unless it's compulsive, inauthentic, or self-neglecting.
• Insight: Wanting to be liked is universal and not inherently unhealthy. The difference is whether you can tolerate not being liked, or you become obsessed with earning approval.

2. Resentment From Giving Too Much

[37:17 - 47:30]

• A Redditor from a CPTSD forum describes resenting others for not reciprocating “overthoughtfulness.”
• Key dynamic: Over-giving without expressing needs leads to unmet expectations and burnout.
• Felicia’s lesson: “The magical, lifechanging power of saying what I want out loud.” [42:58]
• Communicating needs explicitly is essential—other people aren’t mind readers!

3. Quitting People Pleasing Without Seeming Rude

[53:06 - 63:43]

• Another Reddit user worries: how to stop people pleasing without becoming “an ice queen.”
• Discussion: It’s about balance; being empowered and authentic, not swinging from excessive niceness to coldness.
• Felicia shares a reflective exercise: “If I were an ice queen, I would…” [61:51], encouraging listeners to explore new behaviors in a low-stakes way.

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Actionable Insights & Therapeutic Tips

• Notice Your Motivation: Are choices driven by authentic desire or anxiety/fear?
• Check In With Yourself: Pause before agreeing to help or giving; ask, “What do I want?”
• Practice Small Boundaries: Start asserting small preferences; it will feel strange at first, but gets easier.
• Explicit Communication: Clearly ask for your needs in relationships instead of assuming others know.
• Reframe People Pleasing: Remember, it was a survival skill—be compassionate to yourself while learning new patterns.
• Use “If I Were…” Exercises: Try Felicia/Kasia Urbaniak’s prompt to connect with desired new behaviors, e.g., “If I were an ice queen, I would...”.
• Labels Are Tools, Not Life Sentences: Use them if they help; let them go if not.

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Final Takeaways

• People pleasing is a habitual, chronic behavior—often rooted in trauma—that’s changeable and not an inherent, unchangeable personality trait.
• Generosity and kindness are beautiful, but when compulsively driven by anxiety or fear of disapproval, they become harmful.
• Healing involves self-compassion, explicit communication about needs, and reclaiming agency.
• “Don’t let a five-year-old drive your bus”—don’t let your inner child’s ingrained coping strategies steer your adult life!
• There’s power in balancing self and others, and in learning to “pause, check in, and move from authenticity.” [63:55]

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Resources

• Chloe Bean, LMFT: chloebeantherapy.com
  Offers a free resource on people pleasing and an upcoming group program ("Healing in Tune") for women who wish to reconnect with their authentic voice.
• BestTherapists.com: Therapist directory that emphasizes fit.
• Prompt Exercise: See Kasia Urbaniak’s work for similar “If I were…” practices.

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Memorable Quotes (by Timestamp)

• Felicia: “No one can make you feel a certain way. That’s not accurate.” [00:00]
• Chloe: “It’s a habit that was learned.” [03:20]
• Felicia: “Compulsive people pleasing can start to deaden one's ability to actually locate what they want.” [04:52]
• Felicia: “When people aren’t used to making boundaries ... it’s like a baby deer learning to walk.” [13:08]
• Chloe: “People pleasing isn’t inherently bad. It’s got a lot of superpower in it if you can harness that and come from a place of curiosity and just have compassion for yourself.” [63:55]

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For anyone struggling with people pleasing, this candid episode offers empathy, humor, and real therapeutic wisdom about how to rediscover your authentic self, set boundaries, and cultivate empowered, reciprocal relationships.

Transcript

[A]

No one can make you feel a certain way. That's not accurate.

[B]

That's not how that works with people pleasing. It comes back to this attachment of the outcome. Like it has to be this way or I'm bad people pleaser.

[C]

This isn't like an official mental health diagnosis. This is like a pattern of behaviors.

[B]

It's a habit.

[C]

This is a chronic thing.

[A]

What if your value as a human being didn't rely entirely upon you constantly being available?

[B]

It's not a choice, right? It's how do I survive in this.

[A]

Space system that I'm in with people pleasing. Like a lot of that can have to do with the Internet loves throwing around words like gaslighting, narcissist and toxic, but most of the time they're getting it wrong.

[C]

In this podcast we unpack the Internet's most asked anonymous mental health questions that.

[A]

You wish you could ask a therapist.

[C]

And by anonymous we mean the Reddit questions you post in the the middle of the night.

[A]

If you're new here, welcome. I'm Felicia Keller Boyle, licensed somatic therapist and clinical [e-mail] and I'm Christy Plantinga.

[C]

Founder of Best Therapists and I've been in a lot of therapy. This show is brought to you by BestTherapist.com a therapist directory that vets therapists so you can focus on fit, not quality. You can find your best [e-mail] it's time to find out what therapists are really thinking. Today we are talking about people pleasing. Are you a people pleaser? What does it look like? Is it good? Is it bad?

[A]

Depends who you ask.

[C]

Depends who you ask. I think for sure is absolutely the answer to that question. We are joined today by Chloe Bean. Chloe Bean, LMFT is a somatic trauma therapist based in Los Angeles who helps high achieving women move beyond survival mode into deeper healing. She specializes in high functioning anxiety codependency, recovery, childhood trauma, burnout and nervous system dysregulation. Drawing from advanced training in emdr, somatic experiencing and internal family systems, Chloe blends trauma informed and body based approaches to help clients reconnect with their true selves. Before becoming a therapist, Chloe worked as a musician, songwriter and creative professional in high pressure industries including tech and startups. Her personal experience with burnout, perfectionism and disconnection informs her down to earth style and deep empathy for clients who look fine on the outside but feel exhausted and are eager for relief on the inside. Chloe, welcome to the show.

[B]

Thank you. It's great to Be here.

[C]

Yeah. Your background really touches on, I think, a lot of what goes into people pleasing and a lot of the different things that maybe bring that up, that trait in people, which we will talk about. And actually I've read that people pleasing is not a trait, it's a habit. And that is one of the things I've told myself. So I don't people please anymore so I can smile.

[A]

Like this isn't some inborn thing about you. It's. And the adaptive trait that you've learned. I mean, maybe at the time that you're starting to call yourself a people pleaser, you're beginning to understand it's maybe not so adaptive anymore. But yeah, you're not like born a people pleaser.

[B]

Yeah. And I tend to think of it as a trauma response for some too. Like you're saying it's a habit that was learned.

[C]

Yeah, definitely. So let's just start with the definitions. I do think people pleasing is one of those terms that is kind of thrown around online, maybe misunderstood. Is it being, you know, too nice or too accommodating? Or is it just this or just that? So. So from your experience, Chloe, how would you define and explain what people pleasing actually is?

[B]

Yeah, I see people pleasing as an attempt. Right. It's like coming from an impulse or a feeling of not having enough or lack of power. So I see it as like trying to create an outcome out of a feeling of not having enough or not having control. So that can be seen in relationships, maybe doing something beyond your capacity or at work, taking on too much, trying to get an outcome as a way to feel some sense of safety or ease in the relationship.

[C]

So what are the ways that people will try to gain that control in a people pleasing way?

[B]

So, for example, seeing it in the context of work, saying yes to everything, I think that's a really big one. And relationships, I see this in friendships, families, partnerships, where really hard to say no and not being able to hear your own voice or your own needs. You're really putting the other one first.

[A]

I love that you mentioned that, Chloe. Like how maybe compulsive people pleasing can start to deaden one's ability to actually locate what they want. Because they're so used to deferring to others and being maybe hyper aware of what they think other people want. Sometimes what people want explicitly, but also sometimes like what they think people want, that they kind of lose the ability to feel into what they want.

[B]

I think that can be dangerous too, for the people pleaser. Right. They lose their Sense of self. And then there's that dynamic now where they're caught into codependency or really losing their direction.

[A]

It can make someone maybe even more susceptible to relationship dynamics that could be really damaging or like you said, dangerous. That's really interesting. So like, when you say this can be dangerous for people, what do you mean by that? Like, do you have any examples of what you mean?

[B]

Yeah. So people pleasing can be dangerous, emotionally speaking. So again, losing your sense of self, what can happen is you're really vulnerable. Vulnerable to someone taking advantage of you, of manipulation. And then if you're already coming with that people pleasing habit or that trait, it almost feeds into itself. It gets stronger.

[A]

Right. Because I imagine when somebody who is people pleasing is paired up with somebody who tends to be domineering or controlling or manipulative, it can become really this vicious cycle. And of course, people can people please in. In much more like benign situations or like, I. I don't think because you're a people pleaser, hopefully you're not surrounded by like the worst of the worst who are just out there trying to manipulate and control you. But it's like, this is maybe one of the more dangerous ways that this sort of a tendency could play out.

[B]

The more extreme.

[A]

Yeah, more extreme, exactly.

[C]

Also the damaging. It damages relationships. So of course, the self and the sense of self, it's like, can you even have a sense of self of all you're doing is thinking about other people, Even though ironically, at the end of the day, it's a way to reinforce yourself. I think it's totally complicated in that way.

[A]

It's like, I'm gonna feel good through doing what I think is going to control how you feel. And it's like this very kind of like, inefficient system of like, at the end of the day, like, I'm actually trying to feel good, but like, my route to doing that is to like, go through you, make sure you are happy, make sure you're okay. So that I can feel okay.

[B]

Yeah, it's exhausting.

[A]

It's so exhausting. Again, not that I know.

[C]

Not that I'm.

[A]

Yeah, I've heard. I don't know, I've heard it might be a little tiring.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. So it sounds like there's obviously that loss of sense of self. You're always just thinking about other people before yourself. And typically, I think in society that's lauded as a good thing. Oh, you're so selfless. You're thinking of other people. But this is to a Point where it's actually not good for the self. But also I think it's kind of inauthentic too, where it's like, can you really have an honest relationship with someone when all you're doing is thinking is like, how can they be happy with me? Because that's not how life is. You know, it's like, of course any, any relationship you have, stuff is going to come up and you're going to have needs that don't necessarily fit with what's going on. So how does it affect relationships?

[B]

Yeah, that's a good question. I think you hit on it too, that is it authentic? Am I showing up honestly out of that attempt to have control Right. Over the situation or the outcome? So is that other person or the other people receiving this, are they actually in a authentic relationship? Right. Do they even know?

[C]

Yeah, and I know, like a lack of boundaries too is a big sign of people pleasing as well.

[A]

Probably a lot of fear and stress in relationships.

[B]

Yeah, well, you know, and what I keep reminding clients too is that, you know, are you coming from a fear based response right now? Are you feeling fear or is this coming from. I have agency. I feel empowered. And if I feel like I need to, you know, do this extra work or I can't say no to them because they're expecting it or they're right, they're gonna get mad and so. Oh, okay, are we in fear right now or are we. How can we shift that to a place of safety and empowerment?

[A]

I love what you just said, Chloe, because I think it really highlights the fact that this isn't really black or white. You know, I think sometimes with the Internet, you know, when things like this do get thrown around, it's like the key to stopping people pleasing is to just like, never ever do anything that you have any inkling that you don't want. And human relationships, like deep ones, do involve sometimes the doing things that are not 100% our preference, but they feel important or worth it for some other reason. And so it's not like you're a people pleaser. If you do something in a relationship that maybe prioritizes someone else above yourself at some points, that can actually be a very generous, loving thing to do. But if that's coming from a place of like, again, generosity, that's very different than if that's coming from a place that is fearful and almost like, don't be mad again. Right. Like what you said, Chloe, where you don't really feel like you have agency so you could have the Exact same behavior. But one of them could be people pleasing and one of them could be really empowered and loving. And it depends on sort of like your own personal experience as you're making that decision. Like, are you making the decision to do this or do you feel kind of like trapped, like you have no other choice.

[B]

And then when we're caught in that, I. Well, I feel trapped. I feel like I don't have any other choice other than to keep doing this. Right. And that's where it gets really tricky is the cycle just keeps going and it gets stronger and the fear gets stronger.

[A]

Right. Because after a while of just like doing this again and again and again in a relationship, like someone just expects you to like always do what you, what they want you to do.

[C]

And then you're their go to gal, you know. Oh, Felicia will do it, you know, she's the best.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Felicia needs the.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

But enough of this.

[B]

Well, on that note too, you know, for a lot of people pleasing tendencies, it comes, you know, we can only do so much. We're going to be hit to at our limit, right. Then there's going to be a breaking point. Or there can be for people pleasing where it gets too much for the one person people pleasing and they have a response or reaction that's really surprising for the people or person on the other end and they're like, what? Who are you? What? Right.

[C]

So that's where going back to the.

[B]

Authenticity of, you know, oh, I've been doing this for so long, how can I do this differently now? Well, sooner than later, right? You're gonna have to.

[A]

The truth's gonna come out somehow or not, right? Like it's not.

[B]

Or not.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Or you just like double down on your people pleasing. Exactly. And you suffer and strange things begin to happen. Maybe you start getting sick, maybe, I don't know, like start to withdraw from relationships. Cause you don't feel like you can be in the relationship and have boundaries and express what you want at the same time. So like, it, it will end up coming out in some way. What you just shared, Chloe, reminded me of a story I heard about somebody who like really didn't assert boundaries that much. And then they were like, okay, I'm gonna start asserting boundaries. And they, there's this person at their job. Yay. We love that person at their job. That like, wasn't a friend. It was just like another person at their place of employment who like always greeted everyone with hugs. And this person, like didn't wanna hug this guy and that's not a hugger.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like, don't try to hug Christy. If you see her on the street. Don't assume she wants a hug. But this person did not want to hug this guy. And they're like, okay, I'm gonna exert my boundaries. And they just were so not used to doing it that when the guys came to hug them the next time, they were like, don't fucking touch me. And like, oh, my God.

[B]

0 to 100.

[A]

Like, 0 to 100. Right? So it's like when people aren't used to making boundaries, like, sometimes it's like a baby deer learning to walk where we're like, I don't really know how to do this. Like, either I'm going to fly off the handle or maybe I'm going to, like, make the slightest boundary or request, but it's going to feel like I am screaming at someone just because I'm so not used to making boundaries.

[B]

You might.

[A]

You might try to attempt a boundary and then you, like, walk away feeling like you're a total monster when in reality you're just doing something very normal. It's like you don't have, like, a clear perspective. It's dysmorphic in a way when it comes to this.

[B]

Yeah. It can feel so unfamiliar and unnatural.

[A]

Totally.

[C]

And selfish.

[A]

Selfish.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I hear therapy clients say that sometimes when they're trying on new things, they're like, well, it doesn't feel like me. Like, well, yeah, it's not gonna feel like you because this is not something you're used to. So it is going to feel strange at first until it becomes your new.

[C]

Normal, you know, again, because people pleasing, people pleaser. This isn't like an official mental health diagnosis. Right. This is like a pattern of behaviors. It's a habit. It's not even a trait, which we've talked about. For it to be helpful for you to maybe consider yourself as a people pleaser, if that helps on your, you know, path to healing from it. This is a chronic thing. It's not just like doing something nice every once in a while or. Yeah, it's like, I don't want pizza, but like, sure, I'll have pizza. It's not like that. It's chronic thing that actually impacts your quality of life and sense of self and relationships.

[A]

That's a great distinction, Kirsty. Yeah.

[C]

I do think it's funny to think about the idea of, like, over boundarizing. If that's a word, it's definitely a word. And if not It'll be in the Miriam woods next year. It's going to be there. You know, that is definitely one of the responses that are shared around online, where it's like, well, you just have to never think about anyone else ever. That's the antidote to this. And it's an interesting thought experiment, I think, to kind of go through. It's like, wow, what if I really didn't think about anyone else? Like, what would my day look like? What would that feel like? But what does that kind of the middle ground look like?

[B]

Yeah, just, you know, coming back to that balance and intention right behind the action that you want to take, or pausing and, you know, having the mindfulness around. Is this, again, coming from that fear? Or I need something to happen, Or I'm doing this because I can, because it's going to feel meaningful and part of my values.

[C]

Or like, I don't mind doing this.

[B]

Right, Right. I don't mind. Yeah, yeah, Like. Like you said with the food choice, it's like, oh, yeah, I don't mind. But if it's really like, oh, I have an allergy to that food, or, gosh, I feel sick when I eat that, or I've had it today already. You know, that balance of speaking up and having a conversation or feeling like an equal. And I think this just comes back to not having that sense of power, feeling like you don't have that value.

[A]

Or you just, like, made something in my brain connect that I don't think was really connected before. I hadn't really thought so much about this and a person's sense of power and equality. But now that you've said it, like, that just makes so much sense. Like, if you don't feel like you have equality with somebody else, if you don't feel like you're very valuable, you feel like you've always got something to prove. It's like with people pleasing, like, a lot of that can have to do with. This is how I'm valued as a person. Like, I am valued because I am helpful, because I'm making other people happy, because I'm the first one somebody calls when they're having a bad day and they need help. And all of these qualities are, like, beautiful qualities to have. Being compassionate, being kind, being thoughtful, all of that is great. And if you have these qualities, we are definitely not saying, get rid of those, stop being that way. But we are saying, like, what if your value as a human being didn't rely entirely upon you constantly being available?

[C]

Well, and how you make people Feel. It's like, your value shouldn't come from how you make other people feel.

[A]

I mean, I think there is such a thing as, like, healthy dependence. And that definitely does include, like, how you make other people feel. But I guess I have a bone to pick with that entire phrase altogether. And this has a bit to do with nonviolent communication and taking, like, radical responsibility for our own feelings and our own thoughts. Like, I can't make either of you feel or think a certain way. I can absolutely have an impact on you. But how you think and feel as a result is not actually something I'm doing to you. I'm not, like, in there controlling your thoughts, making you think and feel a certain way. It doesn't mean I don't have any responsibility. Like, if I behave in a certain way or say certain things that are damaging to you, and there's something for me to take responsibility for that that's, like, super legitimate. But when people say, like, so and so made me feel, blah, blah, blah, like, I'm always like, that's not accurate. Yeah, that's not how that works. Like, no one can make you feel a certain way. And I'm not giving permission to people being shitty to each other. I hope that's very clear.

[C]

It's like, you don't get insulted by my insult. That's on you.

[A]

So, Felicia, on what your therapist thinks, said it was totally fine for me to do this, so that's really your problem. Don't misquote me. I am not saying that.

[C]

I would love to get into some of the causes of people pleasing. What leads people to this pattern of behavior?

[B]

Typically, my thoughts go to childhood trauma. Whenever I see extreme people pleasing. Where did they learn this behavior?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Who did they have to please? What would happen if they didn't please them? Right? So a lot of times it shows up in family dynamics. Emotional abuse, neglect, having a parent who maybe has narcissistic traits.

[A]

It starts really young, right, Chloe? Oh, yeah, it starts.

[B]

It can start really young. Yeah. Like, so it's not a choice, Right. It's sort of, oh, how do I survive in this system that I'm in?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it's actually a really great coping skill in the short term. Like, children are resilient and brilliant, and to come up with this way of coping is really miraculous.

[A]

It's so, like, smart. And when it does start, when you're really young, when you are so dependent on your caregivers and on your environment to keep you safe, you will find ways to, like, protect Yourself in that environment and to keep the people who are responsible for caring for you as like a good person in your own mind's eye.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Right.

[A]

So it's, like, not safe for a little kid to think that their caregiver is not reliable. So, like, even if they're not, you're probably gonna find a way to make it so in your mind. And if that means, like, they're falling apart and you have to figure out how to please them in order to make them, like, stable enough to take care of you, like you're gonna figure out how to do that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And there goes to that control.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Like, I can control something and it's on me. Or this is how. Right. The child will feel a sense of control.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And how they'll often be valued by their caregiver. Right. In a dynamic in which a caregiver is really, really struggling and isn't very stable, there's also a very good chance that they're going to be, like, so, so happy and, like, praise this child for the ways that they're showing up and being helpful.

[B]

Right. Yes.

[A]

And that can lead to that sense of over responsibility and people pleasing.

[B]

Yeah. And there's a lot of parallels there with perfectionism. Right. Like, I have to be good because it's safe. It's how you're gonna be taken care of.

[A]

Absolutely. If I can be good enough, if I can make sure that this person isn't upset, that they're happy, that I'll be taken care of. And that belief can get cemented without us even realizing it. And then that's kind of like one of our, like, core bits of programming that informs everything we're doing. And again, it can make our behaviors not even really feel like their choices, because they're almost like, compulsive. They arise out of this core belief, and then we act on it without really making a conscious choice about what we're doing. So, like, ending people pleasing, like you were saying earlier, Chloe, has so much to do with bringing attention to those moments that we would normally kind of like, glide by and go into our habitual patterns.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And bringing compassion to that part of us. Right. Going back to our childhood, the people pleasing part in terms of ifs. Right. It's a part that has protected you. It's gotten you through a lot of chaos. Right. And to appreciate what it's done.

[A]

Yeah. We don't want to, like, go from people pleasing and seeing this as, like, an adaptive strategy that we have to being like, now I'm Bad and wrong for people pleasing. It's like, no, this made so much sense. This was, like, in many ways necessary to your survival, especially as a little one. If it started then and like, if this started when you're a little kid, I mean, good for you. Like, how else. What else were you going to do? Like, how could you possibly know what your other options are? And so that's the beauty of, like, healing as an adult and engaging in therapy is it allows us to go back to these things that started when we were younger and say, like, oh, is that really necessary today? Is there a way that I can let that part that does this relax and let something new show up? So, yeah. Chloe, you mentioned ifs, and would you say that ifs. And for folks who haven't heard of it, internal family systems. That's what we're talking about. It's a therapy modality. Would you say that that's especially helpful for people pleasing.

[B]

I do. I think IFS is really helpful in, again, creating that sense of compassion and curiosity about the pattern rather than, you know, I just got to stop doing this. What's wrong with me? Right. That helps bring curiosity, even that part that might feel ashamed about it, and then really understanding what it's needing from you and what it has needed. And it can really be driving your. I use the metaphor of driving your car or steering your ship in terms of relationships, like choosing partners, because it's a familiar pattern, and so we really slow it down. We want to get curious about it.

[A]

Yeah. Getting more intimate with this and bringing curiosity to it can really create more options.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think that's what we want. Like, for me, my definition of health is having more capacity and more abilities as you're navigating life. And people pleasing can be so, like, restrictive and that. It's like, we have. This is what we do. This is how we solve problems. This is how we are in relationships. And when you can start to loosen that up, it's like, oh, now I have, like, this whole array of things I can do and I can consider someone else and consider myself. I can. Right. It's like there's just more abilities and more options on the table.

[B]

Yeah. On a personal note, I worked in a variety of careers, whether it was on set doing food styling or in tech. And I was around a lot of people that I had to please to get hired for the next job. And it really served me professionally. But there were points where it was just so anxiety inducing because I would just be. My perfectionism was Just so high. And I like you were saying, Felicia, I didn't feel like I had any other option. And then what it turned out was I didn't even like doing that work. I mean, there were things about it I liked. But the people pleaser was just so focused on getting the response of okay, we're hiring you again, or great job or whatever.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And instead of oh, what do I really want to do? So yeah, that was just like a little personal piece there.

[A]

It sounds like survival was actually really key to those decisions. Like you're talking about your next job, your next paycheck. Right. Money. Right, exactly. So I mean, that just feels like exactly what we've been talking about with these strategies. When you're a little kid, it's like even though you were an adult, you were still like, how do I survive? How do I make money? Like, I'm going to make sure these people like me and have a great experience so that they'll hire me again and again. It's not, that is not a bad thing. That's like really smart. But coming back to, is this coming out of fear or is this coming out of a place of like something that feels genuine, something that feels like you have choice?

[B]

Yeah. And it can be hard to be creative and authentic when we're in fear.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

So myself included and clients and I'm sure everyone can relate to this as we can feel blocked or stuck when we're in that people pleasing. Even though we're supposed to be showing up for a job or a task. Right. Just we can be paralyzed in that.

[C]

Fear or you're just left so tired. That's something that I think about sometimes from like, am I really, really introverted or do people just tire me out? You know, just like, are they okay? Are we okay?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And again, I've gotten better over, over, over the years. But I also think people pleasing just leaves you so exhausted at the end.

[B]

Of the day that it's like, do.

[C]

You have energy to have genuine relationships or hobbies? It's just so draining. I don't know. That's my experience with such a great dream.

[A]

That could be like a title for the episode. Like, am I introverted or am I just a people pleaser? I find people exhausting. Is that normal? It's like, well, you might not actually be an introvert, you might just be a people pleaser.

[C]

It's like if you could, relationships could be easier. They could be, if you didn't do this, fun, light hearted.

[A]

They could be like fulfilling for you. Like you could show up in a relationship and get something out of it instead of showing up in a relationship and just feeling like you're constantly giving.

[B]

Yeah, it's a lot of work being a people please or not. I wouldn't say being a people pleaser. Right. I don't know if we're wanting to label, but just having this people pleasing trait can be exhausting.

[A]

Yeah, that's interesting. I feel like when it comes to labels, I always ask people, like, does this feel helpful to you or not? Right. Because I know that identifying as somebody who's codependent was actually really, really helpful for me because it gave me some distance from what was happening in me. It was like, oh, like that's a part of a pattern that is in place. It really brought a lot of levity to it, to be honest, where I'm like, oh, there's me being codependent again. Like, here she goes. Right. But then I think there are other times in which when you have a label, it feels kind of like permanent and rigid, like you can't change it. Like, I'm a people pleaser and therefore I'm like stuck in people pleasing. So I really want to give permission to listeners to like, identify with it. If it feels helpful and if it feels more like a pattern, like how you said Chloe, that is changeable, then that's great. I think either way it's changeable and whatever helps you see it that way is the thing that you should be doing for yourself.

[C]

Well, I would love to get into some posts from Reddit to get both of your your takes. So this is in the subreddit social skills. What exactly is people pleasing? How do you stop it? Is it not just being nice? I've been told I'm too nice and a people pleaser, but I don't really get the difference between regular people and people pleasers. I know there's the negative stuff. I'm not confrontational, even if it makes me a little upset. I don't have comebacks when someone says insults or is rude to me. Once a bully told me I had to learn how to stand up for myself. I feel bad saying, no, that's so funny.

[A]

Like, in the midst of bullying them.

[B]

They were like.

[A]

You should be saying mean things to me. Okay, back at it. You suck.

[C]

Oh, man. But I'm also told I'm too nice for the wholesome stuff, like waving to everyone I know in the school halls, even to acquaintances, or for passing around candies around holiday times like Christmas or Easter. I Remember a lot of people's birthdays, and I talk to everyone. I admit I wish I were popular and I want to be liked, so that might be a root cause. I'm just used to acting like this so it doesn't feel odd to me. Maybe it's because I wasn't allowed to stand up to my mom growing up. Maybe it's just my sensitive nature. But if being like this is bad, how do I stop?

[A]

Does this person think that what they're doing is bad, or is it just other people telling them? That's sort of my first question. Chloe, what's your read on this?

[B]

These things stood out to me. I want to be liked. Right? So that is, again, are we coming from a place of do I have power or am I feeling anything?

[C]

Not powered?

[B]

And then I'm told I'm sensitive. I wasn't allowed to stand up to my mom. I want to be liked, and I'm told I'm sensitive. These all feel to me. I'm like, oof. I feel like a little helpless here. A little needing some more power. So that always is just the first thing I sense with the people pleasing is, are you in your power?

[C]

We're just getting this, like, little slice into there. So it's so hard to tell. But, you know, based on. Based on their story, it doesn't seem like it's coming from a place of power. Like you said. It kind of seems like it's coming from. They want maybe a certain outcome.

[B]

I mean, that sounds so hard. That's not fair. That's a power imbalance right there. And to be almost raised to not stand up for yourself, to speak up, that's going to be conditioning for people pleasing. I think.

[A]

I definitely think there are some strong indicators here that this could be people pleasing. But I also feel like I need more information because so much of this is seemingly other people telling this person they're a people pleaser.

[C]

Like, I want an interesting aspect of this, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Like you're bullied.

[B]

Bullied for being so. People pleasement.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. So I guess what's missing from this story is, like, what is this person like? What do they enjoy doing? Because if remembering every single person's birthday, if bringing candy to school or to work, I can't tell how old this person is either because I feel like.

[C]

Yeah, that's another thing I'm struggling to.

[A]

Understand growing up with their mom. But then I think they also said, like, bringing candy to school on holidays. It sounds like they are a Person who just, like, appreciates people and remembers them and is generous. And if that's coming from a place where they're like, I genuinely just enjoy doing this, that's fine. I also think it's okay if you want to be liked by people. We all want to be liked by people. This person is just being honest about that. Yeah. But again, if it's like, I can't handle someone not liking me, like, I will become obsessed and try to convince, like, do whatever I can so that that person begins to like me. Like, that's different. Right. So I think we don't have enough information here to say, like, this is or isn't people pleasing, but I really want to know about how this person spends their time, what their internal experience is of this. Do they, like, respond to any of the top comments? Do we hear from them?

[C]

Again, the top commenter just listed out people pleasing tendencies, and the op says, damn, I fit 11 of these. I'm so cooked.

[A]

Okay, so that sounds like we've got our answer.

[C]

It sounds like they have their answer a bit more. Maybe it is just because they're younger. Because I remember when I was in high school, college, even most of my 20s, I was like, one. I'm just a little sweetie, you know, like. And that's kind of what I, like, thought of myself, that I was just like, I'm just super nice, you know.

[B]

And who doesn't want to be liked? I mean, it's true.

[C]

And that's the thing. It's like, especially when I think as you develop as a people pleaser and frankly, you get really good at it, it's kind of scary.

[A]

It can become second nature.

[C]

You know, you go on a date and it's like, I know I can make this person like me, or I know I can make this person my friend or like, that kind of thing. I don't know if any of you got. Maybe I'm just like, super fucking manipulative and terrible. But I got to this point where I was just very confident that I was like, people, you know, I can make people like me. And that is, you know, good, I guess. But also, it's like, not totally.

[A]

I suppose I was making that face because I was like, I don't know that I ever felt that way, but I think I was a. I was a people pleaser, but, like, I was also not very confident. It sounds like you're a people pleaser, but you were like, I've got this, like, I can walk into a room and make sure everyone's happy. Whereas I was like, I can make you happy one on one when you're telling me your deepest, darkest secrets and I will be the shoulder you cry on.

[C]

And Felicia, you became a therapist. I just. Where did that come from?

[A]

I wonder why.

[C]

From where did that.

[B]

It's your superpower now.

[A]

It is my superpower, but, yeah, no, I was not bringing that sort of confidence to dates. Things probably would have been a little different if I was.

[C]

You're like, who knows where I would.

[A]

Who knows where I'd be if I knew how to turn it on like that.

[C]

Yeah. Right. But I guess that's what I'm getting a little bit from OP where it's like a nice thing to like bring candy to people. I love that they just want to be everyone's friend. And like, there's a very sweet, sweet aspect to that. But they're not at the point where it's like this. You don't know why this is bad yet because maybe you haven't really experienced. Because I think there is a cumulative effect to people pleasing, especially if you're still in the environment where you're very much getting rewarded for it. And then you shift to a new environment. It's like, oh, this isn't working the same anymore.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But oddly enough, it doesn't seem like it is totally working for this person because so many people are like, you're people pleasing. Stop. And so.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So it's like if people were really enjoying this, people pleasing, they probably wouldn't be like, hey, stop bringing candy to school. Yeah.

[B]

You know, there's a line with I want to be liked. Right. And then is there an aspect of I'm going to try to be who I think they want me to be?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I'm just, again, we need a more information. But yeah, that can happen too, with people pleasing. And that's, you know, going back to losing sense of self. And I know, Christie, you were saying like middle school, high school, like, who, who, who do I get to be today?

[C]

Right. And, and it does seem like high school to me. This was posted about a year ago, so I think that makes sense that because I know there are some like middle schoolers on Reddit, but I'm guessing maybe high school. And this generation sounds like so amazing because they're like, it sounds like you're people pleasing. You should look into that. You know, like when I was in high school, it was like none of that was going on. None of that self awareness or knowledge about mental health. So it sounds like maybe there's some good people in OP's life that are just kind of looking out for them, saying, hey, you don't have to do that with us, you know. Yeah, they're pretty cool.

[A]

That would be so sweet if that's where it's coming from, from. I hope that's why people are saying that. They're like, hey, we, we like you. We love the candy. Don't get us wrong. But like, don't stop. We just like you. Like, that would be so beautiful. And you know what? We should definitely post this on that thread because if you're still around, we would love to hear from you. We would love to hear where you're at today, how things are going, how is your journey? Where are you at?

[B]

Yeah, very curious.

[C]

I got another one. Different. Very different flavor. So this is from the CPTSD or Complex PTSD subreddit. Was anyone else raised to be a people pleaser? And if so, how did you stop hurting your own feelings? By having this expectation that out in the real world people would be just as considerate of you as you are of them. The whole treat others how you want.

[A]

To be treated dilemma.

[C]

When I care about someone, I consider how they disapprove of almost everything I do for them and my actions go from there. I hurt my own feelings way too often by overdoing nice things for people, things they probably have no clue so much thought could even go into. And then I take it all personally when they do things that make it obvious they didn't consider me or how I'd be affected by it at all. It's really wearing me thin and I just don't know how to really let it go. The expectation, the perceived slight against me, the toxic over thoughtfulness towards others. Any of it. I've been trying and I'm really good at tricking myself into believing I'm not bothered by these things and have truly let it go. But it all comes down to head eventually and I find myself resentful. That leads to my second concern. What criteria is there for deciding what's an overaction on my part or an obvious lack of considerate action that another person has done? When is the anger justified? Because there's always reasons and it's almost always that I'm too sensitive and expect too much. It seems like the dumbest thing to be upset about, being kind, but it's really ruining my life. My connections with friends, family and even my partner. My own concept of self worth. My ability to form and stand by boundaries. This is One major insecurity wrapped up in a people pleasing to others package.

[A]

First of all, so thorough.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, not surprised this person is a people pleaser because it takes so much, like, attention and energy. And even this post is just like, so clear, so thorough. Not a typo in sight. Like, perfect grammar. I'm just like, wow, you are incredibly thoughtful.

[B]

Sounds very overwhelming. Like, they're just. It just sounds so hard. They're so wrapped up in this.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

My heart goes out to them. They're like, it's ruining my life. Ugh.

[C]

I think this is one of the aspects of people pleasing that I would love to get into is radical responsibility. Like Felicia was talking about, I'm responsible for what I do. But then there's the other side of this. When they think through this sort of thing and they kind of try to gauge what actually happened, it sounds like the response from other people are that you're too sensitive. Which I think is like, for the sensitive people out there, not a fun thing to hear when you're told that it's like you're just. It's actually that you're. You're too sensitive, you know? And your reaction is this, so are they expecting too much from their relationships? Are they too sensitive? And obviously, I'm assuming it's very situational. Maybe sometimes. Yes. Yes, there is maybe too much sensitivity. But how much of it is, you know, OP's responsibility versus how much of it is, you know, that they're just. Yeah. Victim to this kind of over niceness that they've developed over the years.

[B]

What kept coming up for me here, is that too much or not enough? Too much or not enough? Like, with people pleasing, it's like, okay, I'm too sensitive. Okay, well, I'm not giving enough.

[A]

Yeah, I definitely don't think they're too sensitive. I don't think there's enough information here to say if they are or aren't. And also I don't know that I would like, actually ever call someone too sensitive. The thing I think is really missing here is that sounds like they're not communicating their wishes to the other people in their own lives. They're not communicating their expectations. But it sounds like what's happening. And Chloe, this is so what we've been talking about, right. Is that they're doing things for other people without, like maybe checking to see if that person even wants that and then expecting that what they want is going to be reciprocated without making any of this explicit. So again, I'm trying to control Someone else's feelings and beliefs about me and their behaviors towards me by being a certain way in my relationship with them. And maybe I want them to do X, Y, Z, but I'm not going to say that I'm going to do a bunch of nice things for them and then hope that they, I get the hint that they're supposed to do nice things for me, but I'm not gonna tell them what those things are. And then I'm mad and hurt. It's so vulnerable to say what we want to another person, especially if there's a risk that they're not going to do it. And so oftentimes people pleasers will, rather than saying what they want, just try to like send signals. Hey, I'm gonna be this amazing person. And this, this leads to resentment, this leads to burnout, this leads to overwhelm. Like this person said, it's ruining their life. They probably love their friends and family members, they want to enjoy them, but they're just going into all of these interactions remembering all the times this other person let them down and they're feeling resentful, they can't enjoy their time with them. And meanwhile that other person is like, what are you talking about? You're being so sensitive. Like, you didn't tell me anything. Like, how would I even know you wanted this? So as someone who used to like do a lot for other people and then just like be very, very hurt when I didn't get what I wanted, I have learned the absolute magical life changing power of saying what I want out loud, y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

I, I remember this years ago when I started doing this and I was like, people are giving me what I want. This is so wild. I've been walking through my life not getting what I want. And then I started saying what I want out loud to people and occasionally they would do it and I was like, like, everyone needs to know this exists.

[C]

This is a secret.

[B]

This is an awesome big secret.

[A]

The secret magical power of asking for what you want.

[B]

And so going to this idea too of communication, it can be really scary and vulnerable. I've seen a lot too this fear of conflict. Conflict can be very scary and uncomfortable. So I think there's that aspect too that keeps the people pleasing, going to avoid conflict or of confrontation or having.

[A]

To deal with it. When somebody you really care about is like, like actually says to you out loud, no, sorry, I'm not going to do that. Then you have to grapple with what does that mean for me? What does it mean for the Relationship. It might feel better to just be mad at them all the time than find out that they don't really want what you want out of this relationship.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That fear of maybe rejection, it can be. What meaning do you make out of their response? Is it. It means something about me or who I am, or is it. Oh, it's just their limitations are that they can't show up the way I need, but it's not about me. Right. But with people pleasing, it comes back to this attachment of the outcome. Like, it has to be this way or I'm bad or I'm not enough.

[A]

Yeah. If they're not giving me what I want, if they're not, like, meeting my expectations, then that means I'm bad. And usually, usually the response is like, therefore, I need to be even better so that they'll then give me what I want and like me the way I want them to like me and show care the way I want them to show care.

[C]

I know.

[A]

Like, we're both like. Yeah. I'm just saying, we're like.

[B]

It's like, oh, my God, it's so much hard. Yeah. It's like a never ending. It's a void. It's just like, grasp, grasp.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It was really good. Again, this show just turns into a therapy session for me once again.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I think one of the signs that you are people pleasing, and it's getting to this point where it's just no longer. You just can't keep doing it. Is the word that she mentions, resentment, or you're starting to resent people in your life for not acting like you do. Again, I think in some cases, like, we don't know anything about OP's background. We're talking about childhood trauma often being, you know, a cause for people pleasing. Developing some of that resentment could be very legitimate where it's like, I'm always doing every. Like, I'm the golden child in my family and I do everything for everyone. No one even thinks about me. And I'm thinking about everyone. Like, of course, of course that's going to hurt and. And sting and get under your skin after a while, you know? But sometimes it's like, if you're not communicating or if you don't ask what you want or, you know, you're giving gifts, but like, your friends, their love language isn't gift giving. It's like, you're gonna be disappointed. You're gonna be resentful so totally.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it might seem so obvious to you to like, well, why would I have to say this out loud, like, I do this and this and this and this. Like, if they be a decent person.

[C]

Just be a decent person.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

If you really cared about this friendship like I did, you would do this thing. And it's. It's so important for us to consider that someone might be not doing that. Not because they don't care or not because they don't like you, but literally because they do not know. And it is possible. It is possible that they don't care and they don't love you as much as you love them. And once you start to say your wishes out loud, you're gonna find out, right? Like that's. You'll find out. But it's also possible that somebody's not doing this because they literally don't know. We need to give them the opportunity to be in relationship with us in a way that works for us rather than assume that they can't. Or the only way to get there is by more people pleasing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It might seem so obvious to you, but remember, other people, they don't live inside your head. They're making decisions in their own way based on their own experiences. So I think it's so important here to give people the benefit of the doubt and really equip them with the information they need to be in a good relationship with you. There's a different kind of responsibility here. You still have a lot of responsibility in relationships, but it's actually in a different place than where you've been putting your attention.

[B]

Yeah. And that mind reading, right. Expecting others to mind read just like you've had to your whole life. Right.

[A]

But the funny thing about us fantasizing we can mind reind is like, we're so often wrong. Like, I'm over here, like, I know exactly what you need. And you're like, felicia, what are you talking about? And you're like, well, I did this, this, this and this for you because you want that. And you're like, I actually don't care that much about that. I would rather have these things.

[B]

It's like, yeah, it can be so shocking too, for the.

[C]

For the people pleaser that thinks they've.

[B]

Known the whole time. And like, no, I've just been letting you give these things to me because I thought that's what you wanted to be doing.

[C]

Right. And it's like for both people pleasing.

[A]

Right. Like, what if we both just told each other what we wanted? And if that works out, it works out. And if it doesn't, it doesn't have to Mean, you're a bad person or I'm a bad person. It just means we want different things and that's fine. What if that's just okay? It doesn't. No one's bad or wrong here.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I think the are you mad at me? Thing for me is like the biggest sign of at least in my life. Like, people pleasing. I have it with my husband all the time. He just like miffed about like, like soccer from the night before. And I'm like, are you mad at me? He's like, no.

[A]

Are you going to divorce me?

[C]

He's like. He's like, what are you talking about? No. Just didn't sleep well last night. Okay. That's like.

[A]

Because I thought maybe it was a thing I said or didn't say earlier and you've been thinking about that and I. Maybe that was like, what are you. I don't even know what you're talking about.

[C]

Are you mad at me?

[B]

Yeah. Am I in trouble? Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Am I going to get in trouble? I don't want to get in trouble.

[B]

That's a big one that we get to in sessions. It's that the part, the people pleasing part is really like, I'm afraid of getting in trouble.

[A]

I don't want to be punished.

[B]

Yeah. And that's where it's like, oh, this is a young part. This is this from childhood. This is a very vulnerable and afraid part. So we try to bring that power.

[A]

Yeah. Deep breaths here. Yeah, yeah. And recognizing that you're an adult. And it's not as if like, being an adult means life is free of danger. Of course there are still ways that we could be harmed. But for me, it's been so important to remind myself, like, I'm not five anymore. Like, those things that happen to me will never, ever happen again. Because like, even if something like that happened, I'm an adult. So I'm equipped with things that are different now than I was equipped with when I was five. And also because I have some different parts now that know how to intervene and protect that little five year old. Like when she gets scared, I can be like, hey, honey, I got you. You don't have to handle this. You don't have to rush in to try to make this person happy because I'm here and I've got you. Yeah, but that took work and that took time, but it does.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I'm an adult now. I'm okay. You're never gonna get hurt that way again.

[B]

It's such an empowering place. To get to with this and also recognizing how people pleasing is a strength. Right. Like what has it helped you 100%? Has it helped you with and how can it still serve you but help it not get over extended and exhausted? Right. Like oh, I'm very generous or oh, I really have so much empathy. I can really sense and read if someone's having a hard time and connect. It helps you connect with people.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But then we just want to also support you so you're not burning yourself out or you're having ruptures in relationships all just because you're trying to connect with them. Right? Yeah.

[A]

Like there's still so many beautiful parts of this part that we get to keep and then we get to unburden it with all of these heavy kind of inappropriate responsibilities that's been carrying around. Right. That's kind of the nature of people pleasing is these parts get set up usually when we're, they emerge usually when we're quite young and they're taking on a lot of responsibility that's not really appropriate for their age and their capacity. And so what we get to do as we engage in healing processes and therapy is we get to kind of free up that part of ourself to do what it's best at and enjoy life and feel vibrant while unburdening it with these really inappropriate responsibilities and turning that over to another part of the self that really is equipped to handle it. And so that's that like conversation between these different parts of ourselves where everybody gets to shine. Like everybody gets to do what they're best at and there's more of that creativity and capacity in the system to make choices. Because like you said earlier, Chloe, when we're in a fearful state, we're not as creative, we're not as flexible, we become rigid and we fall back into our pattern. But when we are not fearful, we have literally more use of our brains and can be more creative and more present in those circumstances.

[C]

I love thinking about the burden being lifted because that's the thing, like you were saying, Chloe, there's so much beauty in having those tendencies. Like the empathy. You can kind of see where people are at and maybe make them feel more comfortable. Like you're the safe person to talk to at a party, like that's, that's a beautiful thing. And then just being able to let that shine, like just the good parts shine, but not letting it handle other things in your life where it's not.

[A]

Don't let a five year old drive a bus, just don't do that. Exactly. Great.

[C]

Five year old drive a bus. That's a great tip.

[B]

That's the one takeaway.

[C]

Don't let a five year old drive a bus. So I want to get to our last post and this is more kind of the solutions oriented. How do you move on from this? How do I quit being a people pleaser without coming across as rude? Which I think is a perfect like you're in flux, you're on the way, you know. And this is in the subreddit Confidence due to my anxiety. I've been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember and it's the main thing I'm trying to change to improve my confidence and sense of self worth and respect. The main people pleaser tendencies I have are the following. Apologizing for things that aren't my fault. Saying thank you way too many times when someone gives me a gift, buys me lunch. Grinning inanely in social situations to the point where it makes me look creepy. It's a habit because I want people to think I'm friendly. I act like a kiss ass. It's embarrassing. This person is hilarious.

[A]

Can you come be on our show? We want to actually talk to you.

[C]

Not sticking up for myself when someone is rude to me. Not being able to say no to plans I don't want to attend. I know for a fact that a lot of people see through these behaviors and I can tell I'm doing it because I'm anxious and my over friendliness is forced. So the last couple of weeks I've been making a real effort to stop or tone down these things. The truth is, on the inside, I don't like people. I dislike a lot of people. I know I'm not a people person at all. I want to embrace my true self more, but I still have that fear of being disliked if I'm not kind enough. I've always idolized women who are ice queens for their ability to be confident without needing validation from others that they're a nice person. I want to be like this. Confident, unapologetic and self assured. But also know I need to be careful that I don't go too far down the opposite end of the scale and end up coming off as being rude too cold and unfeeling.

[A]

This is so interesting. Yeah, again, this one is.

[C]

You sound hilarious.

[A]

Okay, so they, they want people to like them. They don't want to be perceived as rude, but also like they don't actually like people.

[C]

I'm.

[A]

I don't know, like do you really not like people, like, at all?

[C]

This might be like, am I introverted or am I just so used to people exhausting?

[A]

That's what I think.

[C]

I don't like people.

[B]

Like, who are the people that you've been around that you think you don't? Yeah, like, what are they like?

[A]

Yeah, like, maybe you need different friends.

[C]

Yeah. They might be little vampires. Honestly, like, they might love that. You just give them whatever they want and then you're like, I don't like people. It's like, you just need better friends.

[A]

Exactly. I'm open to you just simply not liking people. Like, that's. That's fine. You can not like people. Yeah. Sometimes being with people is complicated. It requires a lot of energy, even when you're not people pleasing. So I'm wondering about that. But I'm not truly convinced that you, like 100% don't like people or. I think you probably wouldn't be asking this question. You'd just be like running off to be a hermit somewhere if you really didn't like people. So I think there's probably some part of you that does want to be in relationship. It just sounds like it needs to be really, really different than it has been so far.

[B]

And I like this ice queen goal or this, you know, you want to be respected like a queen.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And you respect those that are like that. And I'd be curious of how you can maybe take some of those qualities and make them your own. To have a little bit of a balance even. It doesn't have to be so black or white maybe because there is. I want people to like me.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

So there's gonna be people involved then, right? There's gonna be some people.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They are the other part of that equation. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So there are. We have some people around if you want that.

[C]

Right. So.

[B]

But the ice queen, I just was sensing this.

[C]

Ooh.

[B]

There's this wanting to feel some power. Wanting to be in your own power enough to not even think twice about, oh, gosh, they think I'm really cold, or they think I need to change. So there is this aspect of wow. Really wanting to get to the point where you're so in touch with yourself and okay with yourself that nothing else matters about that and you still wanna be liked. So where's that balance?

[C]

Right. Yeah, I think it's the balance thing. And I noticed this. I'm trying to remember the. Oh, this was from our hypervigilance episode, Felicia, where someone was like, how do I not be a total Slob, crazy mess who trips over everything and gets in a bunch of trouble, but then not hyper vigilant. And I feel like this person is kind of playing around maybe with those two extremes where it's like, how can it be a, A, you know, not a stone cold badass, but then also not be such a simp in my life. And it's like trying to bring those. It's like there's maybe, you know, finding that balance. And again, when you're not used to it and you've never tried it, it is very daunting to think, shoot. I mean, again, maybe even part of you, again, does want to be that ice queen, which, you know, I kind.

[A]

Of love that in a way.

[C]

I kind of love it a little bit, to be honest.

[A]

Me too.

[C]

But it's clearly like there's this want for that, but also that fear for that. So if this person were in session with you, what are some things that you would have them try out to be like, okay, how can we maybe channel some of the Ice Queen? What would you say to this person if you're working with them?

[B]

Yeah, well, I'd be very curious. Just some, like, again, the parts work. And the somatic part of first of all, this Ice queen, what kind of posture would she have? You know, what would be different and how?

[C]

I think we're all kind of going like this. I'm like, I want a little ice queen too.

[B]

Then, you know, from a parts perspective of, okay, the part that wants people to like you. Really understandable. We want to validate it. And is that the one that's been running the show and who else is present? Is there a part of you that doesn't like that part? And we just really make some space for your system and again, create options rather than, oh, it's only gotta be this or that.

[A]

Yeah, it kind of sounds like that third part is the one that wrote the post. You know, that's like, is it this or is it this? They're not writing from Ice Queen. They're not writing from People Pleaser. They're writing from the part that's like, which way should I go? They fill that pull of the ice Ice Queen. But they're maybe nervous about going forward with it. It might be easier just to think, well, I just don't actually like people at all, rather than say, what do I want? Because again, there is so much extreme in this. Like, I'm either people pleasing or I'm an ice queen and fuck everybody. Or like, again, if we're Talking about, like, flexibility in the system and creativity. It's not going to come through, like, choosing, I don't know, one course of action, not deviating from it for the rest of your life. It's going to come from, like, taking things scenario by scenario, moment by moment, and asking yourself, like, what do I really want here? And that's. Some days it might feel more like ice queens, Some days it might feel more like the things we associate with being a people pleaser. It's probably not going to be one or the other.

[B]

Yeah. And sometimes that question can be scary to ask, like, what do I really want? Because you've never asked that before.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Or never been asked. So making room for that, too. And this person is really brave for. For posting about it.

[C]

And I'm just noticing.

[B]

Oh, they're curious.

[A]

They're even.

[B]

They're asking and they're. I know, again, it's like, I don't like people or. But I do that. You know, like you said, Felicia, they're enlisting people in this.

[A]

So, yeah, they want some sort of connection.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

For hating people, you sure do seem to be involving people.

[B]

So, yeah, it sounds like they're just tired of this pattern and they really want a new way. They want new options. And sounds like they're on their way there.

[A]

And we want to know, op, where are you today? Are you a hermit? Are you still talking to people? Are you an ice queen? Are you doing this all the time?

[B]

Is that dance?

[C]

That walk? So it sounds like a kind of primary skill to develop when you want to move away from people pleasing. It's just getting in touch with what do I really want, and not anyone else's wants, necessarily, but what do I want in this? And of course, you can kind of gauge, like, was that an appropriate thing to want? Like, I'm going to someone's wedding. I would really love if my boyfriend proposed to me at this wedding. But, like, is that like an appropriate one? You know, like, no, just doing that.

[B]

But so just in this moment, what can I do? What can I control for myself?

[A]

Absolutely. I have a practice that is so helpful for this, and I did not come up with it. Kasia Urbaniak has a fantastic practice for connecting with those parts of ourselves, like the ice queen. So you use this prompt, if I were a blank, I would. So in this case, if I were an ice queen, I would. And then you complete that sentence again and again and again. And you just really let whatever is arising come out. And it doesn't mean you have to do might be like, if I were an ice queen, I would ignore my friend when they call me. If I were an ice queen, I would.

[C]

I would go to Greece for Christmas and not spend with my family because I'm just this ice queen who like does what I want.

[B]

Exactly. I would say no without an ice queen.

[A]

I would say no without caring. Okay. So when you do this practice, you might end up like coming up with things that you're like, oh my God, I would never actually do that. But like, like there's a really good chance that a lot of the things you would actually say out loud, like your. The ways you would complete that sentence, you'd be like, oh, like I actually would do that. I probably should.

[C]

That's not that bad.

[A]

So this is an exercise you can do like on your own so no one has to know about all your evil ice queen plans. Right. You can keep them to yourself and then decide which ones you do want to take action on. But it'll help give you clarity. And you can change up this prompt. Like I already changed up. Kasia's original version is not if I were an I ice queen, but I like choosing different roles. So if I were a bad daughter, if I were a bad therapist, if I were a bad friend, if I was a selfish, cold hearted. If I didn't care what people thought about me. And you just can insert these things and complete that sentence. So if I were an ice queen, I would da da, da, da da.

[C]

So helpful.

[B]

Yeah, it's very. It's fun too.

[A]

It's so fun. So, Chloe, after talking about all of this, what do you really think about people pleasing? What do you want folks to know?

[B]

Well, yeah, I want folks to know that people pleasing isn't inherently bad. And it's got a lot of superpower in it. If you can harness that and come from a place of curiosity and just have compassion for yourself, you know, if people pleasing you can really strengthen your relationships with authenticity. So if you're people pleasing right now, I invite you to slow down, take a beat, Check in. Am I showing up authentically? Is this serving my needs or am I trying to get an outcome and maybe try try something new today? You know, what do I need right now? You can find [e-mail] and my Instagram is chloebeantherapy. I have a free resource on people pleasing on my website. Website.

[A]

Great. And we're also going to make sure that is linked in our show notes so it's easy to find.

[B]

And I'm also starting a program called Healing in Tune in January, so you can definitely find out more about that on my email list. And it's for women who are ready to reconnect with their true voice and their power, who are ready to come together in community and do some deeper healing.

[A]

Oh, I love that. Amazing. Chloe.

[B]

Thank you so much, you guys.

[A]

Thank you for being a guest today.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Fun conversation about something that can be so hard. So yeah, we appreciate bringing some levity to it while getting very real on this topic.

[C]

Thank you so much. This was amazing.

[B]

Thank you guys. This is so great.

[A]

That's all for this week's episode.

[C]

If this conversation resonated with you, the best way to support us is to follow, rate and review the show.

[B]

Wherever you're listening right now.

[C]

Are you watching on YouTube? Subscribe and drop us a comment.

[A]

Have a friend in mind who could use the advice in this episode? Text them the podcast. You can also connect with us on Instagram yttpodcast. We want to hear from you, so slide into our DMs with your mental health questions. They just might be featured on a future episode.

[C]

What yout Therapist Thinks is hosted by me, Christy Plantinga and Felicia Keller Boyle. This show is brought to you by best therapist.com. a therapist directory that vets therapists so you can focus on fit, not quality. You can find your best [e-mail] Our.

[A]

Show is produced by the team at Podvision.

[C]

See you next time.