Podcast Summary: "Am I Just 'Nice,' Or Am I A People Pleaser? Signs You’re People Pleasing"

Podcast: What Your Therapist Thinks
Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: Chloe Bean, LMFT
Date: October 29, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the complexities of people pleasing: what it is, why people do it, and how to distinguish people pleasing from being genuinely nice or selfless. Licensed therapists Felicia Keller Boyle, Kristie Plantinga, and guest Chloe Bean dissect the difference between authentic generosity and the habit (not trait!) of people pleasing. They discuss root causes (especially from childhood), the emotional toll and dangers, how it impacts relationships, and ways to foster more authenticity and self-agency. Drawing on Reddit stories, personal anecdotes, and therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS), the conversation is candid, validating, and full of actionable insights.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining People Pleasing

[03:02 - 03:51]

• People pleasing is not an inborn trait, nor an official mental health diagnosis; it's a habit or chronic behavior pattern, often stemming from a learned response to one's environment.
• Chloe Bean: “I tend to think of it as a trauma response … a habit that was learned.” [03:20]
• It can be adaptive initially (a way to survive), but over time becomes maladaptive and exhausting.

2. Signs of People Pleasing & Where It Shows Up

[04:22 - 05:32]

• Saying "yes" to everything at work or in relationships.
• Difficulty saying "no", not being able to hear or identify your own needs.
• Hyper-focusing on what others want at the expense of one's own voice.

Felicia: “Compulsive people pleasing can start to deaden one's ability to actually locate what they want.” [04:52]

3. Dangers & Impact on Relationships

[05:49 - 07:05]

• Loss of sense of self—people pleasers disconnect from their own desires.
• Vulnerability to being manipulated or taken advantage of, particularly by those who are domineering.
• Inauthenticity in relationships: If all energy is spent making another happy, mutuality and honesty suffer.
• Lack of boundaries, increased stress, and fear in social dynamics.

Chloe: “You’re really vulnerable to someone taking advantage of you, of manipulation. … It almost feeds into itself. It gets stronger.” [05:49]

4. Resentment & Burnout

[11:16 - 13:47]

• Suppressed needs eventually surface—often as outbursts, withdrawal, or resentment.
• Setting boundaries feels unnatural at first ("like a baby deer learning to walk"), and can provoke disproportionate emotional reactions.

Felicia: “When people aren’t used to making boundaries, ... it’s like, either I’m going to fly off the handle, or ... making the slightest boundary feels like I am screaming at someone.” [13:08]

5. Is People Pleasing Always Bad?

[09:21 - 10:40]

• Doing things for others isn't inherently unhealthy—context and intention matter.
• Motivation is key: Are you doing it from love and choice or fear and compulsion?

Felicia: “You could have the exact same behavior, but one of them could be people pleasing and one of them could be really empowered and loving ... Are you making the decision to do this, or do you feel trapped, like you have no other choice?” [09:21]

6. Root Causes and Childhood Origins

[18:40 - 21:07]

• Frequently rooted in childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or family expectations.
• Children learn to please as a coping survival skill, securing safety or approval from unstable caregivers.

Chloe: “It’s not a choice, right? ... How do I survive in this system that I’m in?” [19:18]

7. Healing & Re-Patterning People Pleasing

[23:08 - 24:27]

• Therapy modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS)—viewing the people-pleasing part with compassion and curiosity instead of shame.
• Chloe: “[IFS] helps bring curiosity … and really understanding what it’s needing from you and what it has needed. ... We want to get curious about it.” [23:08]
• Increasing options and capacities to respond differently; not just rigidly pleasing, but choosing self-authenticity.

8. Personal Stories & Burnout

[24:27 - 26:07]

• Chloe shares about careers in high-pressure environments where pleasing “helped professionally,” but led to anxiety and disconnect from her own desires.

9. Labels: Trait or Pattern?

[27:39 - 28:41]

• Labels (“people pleaser”, “codependent”) can be helpful when they provide understanding or distance from the behavior, but should not be used rigidly or as self-fulfilling identities.

Felicia: “Whatever helps you see it as changeable ... is the thing you should be doing for yourself.” [28:41]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Felicia: “No one can make you feel a certain way. That's not accurate.” [00:00]
• Chloe, on authenticity: “Am I showing up honestly out of that attempt to have control right over the situation or the outcome?” [08:19]
• Felicia, on boundaries: “When people aren’t used to making boundaries ... it’s like a baby deer learning to walk.” [13:08]
• Chloe: “Usually the response is, ‘therefore, I need to be even better so that they'll then give me what I want’ ... it's a void, you're just grasping.” [44:31]
• Host humor: “Don’t let a five-year-old drive a bus. That’s a great tip.” [53:02]

Reddit Q&A Highlights (with Timestamps)

1. Is Being 'Too Nice' People Pleasing?

[28:41 - 36:46]

• One user wonders if being “too nice” is bad, since they like making others happy.
• Discussion clarifies: genuine kindness is not people pleasing unless it's compulsive, inauthentic, or self-neglecting.
• Insight: Wanting to be liked is universal and not inherently unhealthy. The difference is whether you can tolerate not being liked, or you become obsessed with earning approval.

2. Resentment From Giving Too Much

[37:17 - 47:30]

• A Redditor from a CPTSD forum describes resenting others for not reciprocating “overthoughtfulness.”
• Key dynamic: Over-giving without expressing needs leads to unmet expectations and burnout.
• Felicia’s lesson: “The magical, lifechanging power of saying what I want out loud.” [42:58]
• Communicating needs explicitly is essential—other people aren’t mind readers!

3. Quitting People Pleasing Without Seeming Rude

[53:06 - 63:43]

• Another Reddit user worries: how to stop people pleasing without becoming “an ice queen.”
• Discussion: It’s about balance; being empowered and authentic, not swinging from excessive niceness to coldness.
• Felicia shares a reflective exercise: “If I were an ice queen, I would…” [61:51], encouraging listeners to explore new behaviors in a low-stakes way.

Actionable Insights & Therapeutic Tips

• Notice Your Motivation: Are choices driven by authentic desire or anxiety/fear?
• Check In With Yourself: Pause before agreeing to help or giving; ask, “What do I want?”
• Practice Small Boundaries: Start asserting small preferences; it will feel strange at first, but gets easier.
• Explicit Communication: Clearly ask for your needs in relationships instead of assuming others know.
• Reframe People Pleasing: Remember, it was a survival skill—be compassionate to yourself while learning new patterns.
• Use “If I Were…” Exercises: Try Felicia/Kasia Urbaniak’s prompt to connect with desired new behaviors, e.g., “If I were an ice queen, I would...”.
• Labels Are Tools, Not Life Sentences: Use them if they help; let them go if not.

Final Takeaways

• People pleasing is a habitual, chronic behavior—often rooted in trauma—that’s changeable and not an inherent, unchangeable personality trait.
• Generosity and kindness are beautiful, but when compulsively driven by anxiety or fear of disapproval, they become harmful.
• Healing involves self-compassion, explicit communication about needs, and reclaiming agency.
• “Don’t let a five-year-old drive your bus”—don’t let your inner child’s ingrained coping strategies steer your adult life!
• There’s power in balancing self and others, and in learning to “pause, check in, and move from authenticity.” [63:55]

Resources

• Chloe Bean, LMFT: chloebeantherapy.com
  Offers a free resource on people pleasing and an upcoming group program ("Healing in Tune") for women who wish to reconnect with their authentic voice.
• BestTherapists.com: Therapist directory that emphasizes fit.
• Prompt Exercise: See Kasia Urbaniak’s work for similar “If I were…” practices.

Memorable Quotes (by Timestamp)

• Felicia: “No one can make you feel a certain way. That’s not accurate.” [00:00]
• Chloe: “It’s a habit that was learned.” [03:20]
• Felicia: “Compulsive people pleasing can start to deaden one's ability to actually locate what they want.” [04:52]
• Felicia: “When people aren’t used to making boundaries ... it’s like a baby deer learning to walk.” [13:08]
• Chloe: “People pleasing isn’t inherently bad. It’s got a lot of superpower in it if you can harness that and come from a place of curiosity and just have compassion for yourself.” [63:55]

For anyone struggling with people pleasing, this candid episode offers empathy, humor, and real therapeutic wisdom about how to rediscover your authentic self, set boundaries, and cultivate empowered, reciprocal relationships.