Podcast Summary: What Your Therapist Thinks

Episode: How Do I Overcome Performance Anxiety? The Fear Behind Performance

Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: Shelly Qualtieri, Owner of Shelly Qualtieri and Associates Counseling and Coaching
Date: November 19, 2025

Episode Overview

This season finale dives deeply into the psychology of performance anxiety—what it is, where it comes from, why it stands in our way, and most importantly, how to manage it. Hosted by Felicia Keller Boyle and Kristie Plantinga, with expert insights from Shelly Qualtieri, the episode breaks down fears around performing—on the stage, in the workplace, in relationships, and more. The therapists discuss common myths, the necessity (and helpfulness) of some anxiety, and therapeutic tools for facing rather than fleeing from fear. They answer real Reddit questions, offering advice for test anxiety, sexual performance, and day-to-day work stress, all while removing the jargon and sharing what they might not always say in a formal session.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Performance Anxiety

• Performance anxiety is described as a fear-based emotion rooted in uncertainty, feeling threatened, and being out of control ([04:11]).
• There are three universal components across any context (sports, work, relationships, intimacy):
  1. Threat: Perceived risk or pressure of the moment.
  2. Perception: The personal story, thoughts, or “what-ifs” built around the event.
  3. Response: Somatic (body) and cognitive (mental) reactions ([05:14]).

2. Common Triggers and Thought Patterns

• Triggers can be:
  • Cognitive: Fortune-telling (“I know I’m going to fail”), all-or-nothing thinking, filtering, or overgeneralizing ([08:05]).
  • Emotional: Past disappointment, overwhelming feelings.
  • Physical: Panic, fight-or-flight, dry mouth, sweating, dizziness ([10:36]).
• Notably: Excitement and anxiety trigger the same physiological response. How you label it matters ([12:44]).

“Physiologically, your body responds exactly the same in excitement as it does in anxiety. But it’s how we cognitively label that that also gets in our way.” — Shelly ([13:03])

3. The Upside of Anxiety: Finding the Sweet Spot

• A low, optimal level of anxiety is necessary for best performance. Total absence of anxiety is not desirable ([11:53]).
• Visualization techniques and externalizing anxiety (giving it a name, like “Bob”) can help reclaim control ([15:37]).

“If you don’t have any anxiety, you actually will not perform at your best… so having no anxiety, one, is not realistic and, two, it’s a natural part of life.” — Shelly ([11:53])

4. Therapeutic Tools and Metaphors

• Externalizing: Picture anxiety as an outside character (“Bob”), have a conversation with it, even “invite it to tea” ([17:58], [20:03]).
• Compassionate Curiosity: Instead of battling anxiety, some can relate to it compassionately—seeing it as a protective part ([18:31]).
• Worry Well: Shift from unconscious worry to an active, structured approach—unpack the facts, ask “Is this true?” ([59:19]).

“Another little strategy that we use… if you’re going to worry and you’re going to what if, let’s worry well and figure out how we can worry well.” — Shelly ([59:19])

5. Debunking Myths and Misconceptions

• Myth: “I’ll never get over this.” Reality: There are tools and skills; avoidance worsens anxiety ([26:18]).
• Myth: Performance anxiety is a fixed personality trait. Reality: It can be addressed, managed, and does not define you ([29:12]).
• Quote:
  “Mental health problems or anxiety does not define who you are. It’s something we experience. For example… you can feel the rain, but you’re not actually the rain.” — Shelly ([29:12]), citing Matt Haig

6. Research Insights: The 93/7 Rule

• 93% of worries never happen; only 7% materialize.
  Use this to challenge negative stories and bring yourself to the present ([34:01]).

7. Reddit Q&A & Real-Life Scenarios

a) Sexual Performance Anxiety

• Question: Fear of “ruining things” after past sexual performance issues ([44:02]).
• Advice: Notice catastrophizing from past to future, and bring yourself back to present reality; consider emotional safety as a factor ([44:42]).

b) Work/Test Anxiety

• Scenario: Engineer with CPTSD overwhelmed despite positive feedback ([50:47]).
• Advice: When anxiety interrupts daily life, therapy (and sometimes medication) is warranted. Exposure therapies and ongoing support recommended ([52:33]).

c) Most Absurd Coping Strategies

• Redditor tips: Dance confidently, practice performances “drunk,” imagine the audience naked, do absurd rituals ([54:07]).
• Panel’s favorites:
  • Combine silly rituals for humor and cognitive shift ([55:28]).
  • “Fear inventory”—take your fear to its absurd, ultimate end (e.g., “If I buy a Roomba I’ll be destitute… is that realistic?”) ([56:24]).

d) Naming & Befriending Anxiety

• Anxiety as “Bob”; positive externalizing makes the experience workable, less overpowering, and even humorous ([20:59], [61:11]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the function of anxiety:
  “Hope is not a plan. And we can hope that we’re going to win millions, but that’s not going to get us very far.” — Shelly ([00:00], [27:37])

• On relabeling emotions:
  “There’s a certain level of anxiety that is helpful…somewhere along that spectrum can actually help us perform better.” — Felicia ([13:40])

• On intrusive anxious thoughts:
  “If you don’t do what I tell you to do, then I can never—I can’t win.” — Felicia, quoting Pema Chödrön’s ‘When Things Fall Apart’ ([31:12])

• On Reddit’s “healthy egotism” tip:
  “If we feel confident in ourselves and we know what we need to be able to perform, we can probably provide our partner with much more of what they’re needing.” — Shelly ([49:08])

• On gaining perspective:
  “Don’t sweat the small stuff. Honestly, is this thing you’re anxious about really going to matter in five weeks, five months, five years?” — Shelly ([62:02])

• The Roomba Analogy:
  In a moment both humorous and revealing, Felicia details her spiral of anxiety over buying a Roomba, illustrating how fear can snowball without facts ([56:03]-[58:44]).

Important Timestamps

• [04:11] – Clear definition of performance anxiety and its three universal components
• [08:05] – Breakdown of anxiety triggers: cognitive, emotional, physical
• [12:44] – Labeling “butterflies in the stomach” vs. anxiety—same body response
• [15:37] – Visualization and “Bob” exercise for externalizing anxiety
• [26:18] – Myths and common mistakes in dealing with performance anxiety
• [34:01] – The 93/7 rule—most worries never come true
• [44:02] – Reddit Q&A: Male sexual performance anxiety
• [50:47] – Reddit Q&A: Test/performance anxiety at work (CPTSD)
• [54:07] – Reddit Q&A: Most absurd coping tips; hosts and Shelly share their own
• [59:19] – “Worry well” technique / bringing conscious awareness to worry
• [62:02] – What Shelly wishes she could say to clients: “Don’t sweat the small stuff”

Tone, Language, and Takeaways

• Warm, compassionate, science-informed, and direct—these therapists “aren’t holding back.”
• Use of humor (“Bob,” “the Roomba,” “worrying well”), candid personal stories, and listener questions keep the episode both relatable and actionable.
• Normalizes anxiety, breaks stigma, and insists that with the right supports, it can be managed.

Bottom Line:
Performance anxiety won’t ever vanish completely—and that’s not only okay, but necessary. By relating to your anxiety with curiosity, facts (not fear), and a hefty dose of humor, you can reclaim energy for what matters. “Don’t sweat the small stuff. Is this really going to matter in five years—or is it just a Roomba?”

For more information, connect with BestTherapists.com or seek out Shelly Qualtieri via the platforms mentioned in the episode ([64:13]).