Podcast Summary: How Do I Regulate My Nervous System?

Podcast: What Your Therapist Thinks
Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: Julie Goldberg (Founder, Third Nature Therapy)
Date: April 8, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Felicia, Kristie, and special guest Julie Goldberg—an experienced somatic therapist—dive deep into the often-misunderstood topic of nervous system regulation. Through candid conversation, vivid metaphors, Reddit posts, and real-world scenarios, the therapists outline what “regulation” really means, why dysregulation happens, and how we can learn to track, soothe, and work with our bodies’ responses to modern stressors. The episode also candidly addresses common misconceptions, social media oversimplifications, and the tremendous challenges of healing relational trauma.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Nervous System Regulation

• Regulation ≠ Constant Calm
  • Julie stresses that a regulated nervous system is “not calm all the time, but it knows how to come back to that state of feeling.” (00:00)
  • Regulation is about flexibility, resilience, and being able to return to a sense of ease and flow.
• The Polyvagal Ladder
  Julie and Felicia reference Deb Dana’s adaptation of Polyvagal Theory, illustrating three main states (05:00-09:00):
  • Ventral Vagal: Regulated, connected, safe, flow (“That’s the 'I’m okay' sigh.”)
  • Sympathetic: Fight or flight, mobilized, anxious, high muscle tone.
  • Dorsal Vagal: Shut down, dissociated, “like lying horizontal on the couch scrolling through your phone.” (05:50)

2. What Dysregulation Looks and Feels Like

• Somatic Markers:
  • Dorsal: Low muscle tone, heaviness, inability to act (08:00-10:00)
  • Sympathetic: High muscle tone, tension, anxiety, readiness to fight/flee (10:00)
  • Felicia uses the motorcycle metaphor: Too much tension vs. being too slack.
• Triggers and the Polyvagal Map:
  • “Everyone’s triggers are different because everyone's different... For me... going into CVS and feeling really overwhelmed.” (13:32 – Julie)
  • Modern life, especially overstimulation, frequent transitions between sympathetic (activation) and dorsal (collapse)—see New York examples and burnout (16:09).

3. Consequences of Chronic Dysregulation

• Burnout Epidemic:
  • More people on “burnout leave” with symptoms of disconnection, substance use, erratic sleep, appetite changes, and isolating behaviors. (17:06)
  • “You’re not really clear on how to take care of yourself outside of the therapy room.” (Julie, 18:25)

4. Practical Regulation Strategies

• Simple, Daily Tools:
  • Safety Check: “Are you safe in this specific moment?” (34:00–35:20)
  • Five Senses: Use your senses to ground in the present. “Yeah, sorry about it. But truly, smell your tea.” (Felicia, 35:39)
  • Move, breathe, and take in your environment—no expensive spa, gadgets, or classes required.
  • External focus (engage with objects, sounds, sensations outside your body) can be safer for trauma survivors or the hyper-aware.
• Realistic Expectations:
  • “You’re not doing anything wrong if you are sometimes dysregulated... These are super adaptive human responses.” (Felicia, 20:35)
  • It's about spending more time regulated and pathologizing less when you move out of regulation. (21:50)

5. Technology & Modern Life’s Impact

• Social Media Doomscrolling:
  “Open your phone and it’s just thing that I’m assuming would activate our sympathetic states just over and over again…” (Kristie, 00:07, 24:16)
  • Chronic exposure to distressing information via phones can create ongoing cycles of spike (sympathetic activation) and collapse (dorsal)—akin to addiction cycles. (26:08)

6. Addressing Pop Psychology and Skepticism

• Polyvagal Theory 'Debunking':
  • Julie: “Do I care if it’s debunked?... It’s really helped me and it’s helped so many of my clients.” (38:51)
  • Both hosts underscore the importance of usefulness and lived experience, not just academic rigor.

7. The Importance of Co-regulation and Real Relationships

• Healing in Relationship:
  • “Our nervous systems are designed to regulate together... a good therapist will often be in a regulated state when they're in the therapy room with you.” (Julie, 43:58)
  • The value of attunement, co-regulation, and repair in relationships—not needing to be perfect, just human. (45:13)
• Therapists, Not Chatbots:
  • “ChatGPT is not a regulated nervous system on the other side.” (Julie, 43:58)

8. Relational Trauma: Real-Life Listener Story

• Profound Reddit Post on Social Trauma (46:55–57:12):
  • Chronic dysregulation around people, despite many therapies.
  • Julie and Felicia normalize how lifelong social trauma may take years to truly shift, especially if it’s rooted in early or complex trauma.
  • Validation: “It's not your fault, but you're in the body that's affected and it then becomes your responsibility to address it or not. And everything about that is so unfair.” (Felicia, 51:48)
  • Practical encouragement: Build on any safe relational experience, shift attention outside the self, and celebrate tiny steps as real progress (54:24, 55:25, 56:47).

9. Therapist Candidness & Real-World Limits

• Felicia and Julie share moments of real talk about therapy’s limits: Real change often requires changing your life or behaviors—not just attending therapy. (57:20+)
  “‘Therapy’s not gonna solve all the other stuff.’” (Julie, 57:30)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “A regulated nervous system is not calm all the time, but it knows how to come back to that state of feeling.” —Julie Goldberg (00:00)
• "You're not doing anything wrong if you are sometimes dysregulated. We don't want you to lose the ability to go into fight or flight..." —Felicia Keller Boyle (20:35)
• "This stuff is so simple and it just takes the willingness to do it. I want to go to the fucking sauna... but, like, no, actually the thing you need to do is just engage with your environment right now." —Felicia (34:44)
• "Do I care if [polyvagal theory]'s debunked? Like, is the Universe debunked?... It's really helped me and my clients." —Julie (38:51)
• “Our nervous systems are designed to regulate together... ChatGPT is not a regulated nervous system on the other side.” —Julie (43:58)
• "It's not your fault, but you're in the body that's affected and it then becomes your responsibility to address it or not. And everything about that is so unfair." —Felicia (51:48)
• "We flow in and out of these states of attunement, disattunement, and repair... the cycle of a nervous system." —Felicia (45:13)
• "I love that you talked about the ways it's currently useful to you and your clients. One of the ways that I started healing myself was engaging in somatic practices that allowed me to be present in my body in a way that felt peaceful, which was a totally foreign experience." —Felicia (40:50)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–03:16 – What is a regulated nervous system?
• 05:00–09:41 – Polyvagal Theory explained; somatic cues of nervous system states
• 13:23–17:06 – Triggers for dysregulation & the burnout epidemic
• 19:10–22:40 – Regulation is dynamic, not static; practical regulation tips
• 24:16–27:39 – Modern life: Phones, social media, and their impact
• 34:00–36:40 – Five senses exercise & realistic tools for regulation
• 38:45–42:48 – Is “nervous system talk” pop-psych? Polyvagal theory debate
• 43:58–46:55 – Value of co-regulation & healing in real relationships
• 46:55–57:12 – Addressing deep relational trauma, real-life listener story
• 57:20–58:50 – Therapists’ “come on!” moments and honest clinical boundaries

Tone & Takeaways

Candid, warm, validating, but also realistic and occasionally blunt. Listeners are reminded that dysregulation is normal and adaptive, that healing takes time and genuine relationship (not just quick-fix hacks), and that even the best theories are only as good as their usefulness.

Practical, daily tools—like checking for immediate safety, using your senses, or noticing safe moments in relationship—can be more powerful than they seem, and should not be overlooked even though they feel “annoyingly simple.” Healing relational trauma is painstaking and slow; progress is incremental, and real regulation is about flexibility, not perfection.

For more resources, worksheets, or to connect with these therapists, go to BestTherapists.com or find Julie Goldberg at Third Nature Therapy.